#414: Splenda Man

Summary

Hey Riddle Riddle #414: Splenda Man

Date: June 24, 2026
Hosts: Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, John Patrick (JPC) Coan
Main Theme:
This episode of Hey Riddle Riddle is a classic blend of quick-witted improv, offbeat riddles, and bizarre character bits, anchored by the trio’s trademark playful chemistry. With the running gag of “Splenda Man,” a parade of surreal animal facts, and improvised scenes that escalate into absurdity, Adal, Erin, and JPC flex their improv muscles while occasionally answering actual riddles. The episode’s loose structure is held together by conversational tangents, mock-serious debates, and detours into personal life and pop culture.

---

Key Discussion Points & Segments

Opening & Banter: Animal News and “RatFK” (03:16 – 08:32)

• Personal News Setup:
  Adal teases "big news" but the punchline is small: he's drinking coffee and eating watermelon—a combination new to him but leading to playful riffing.
• Mouse News:
  Jokes about "cheese is banned" and cheese causing “fibromyalgia” in mice, which spirals into a mock-news segment.
  • Erin (04:46): “We had to ban the cheese from the mice because it was causing too much fibromyalgia.”
• RatFK Improv:
  Introduction of the character “RatFK” (a rat/Kennedy hybrid) offering unsolicited medical advice.
  • Adal (05:01): “RatFK, why are you so horrible?”
  • JPC (05:05, as RatFK): “That is subjective, but it probably has something to do with the fact that I’m a rat and also a Kennedy.”

Memorable Moment:

Loose, banter-y opening with character bits that set a casual, comedic tone.

---

Animal Trivia & Improv Scenes (08:44 – 18:00)

• Animal Trivia Lightning Round:

  • Q: “A dog sweats through which part of its body?”
    A: Paws.
    JPC (09:44): “But why is the butthole always so wet?”
  • Q: “Which animal’s poop is cube-shaped?”
    A: Wombat.
  • Q: “Which animal can move its eyes independently?”
    A: Chameleon.
  • Q: “Why might you see a frog dancing?”
    A: To impress a mate.

• Frog Wedding scene:
  Erin and JPC give toasts at a frog couple’s wedding, riffing on the absurdity of a human marrying a frog and language barriers.

  • JPC (14:04): “Ribbit. Ribite.”
  • Adal (14:25): “And we hope that their future will be un-froggettable.”
  • Scene peaks with “frog fucker” jokes and, ultimately, a heartfelt speech about acceptance.

• Kittens Trivia & “Kindle of Kittens” Scene:

  • A group of kittens = a “kindle.”
  • Erin and JPC improvise as kittens vying to be the cutest for adoption.

---

First Official Riddle & Traffic Jam Improv (18:33 – 23:00)

• Riddle:
  “Sometimes I crawl, sometimes I fly. You can get stuck in me, which is usually when I start to honk. What am I?”
  Answer: Traffic.

• Scene:
  JPC and Erin play two angry drivers in a traffic jam whose aggressive confrontation turns flirtatious.

  • JPC (21:12): “Where did you go to driving school—beauty academy?”
  • Erin (21:44): “I want my kids to have a father with soft eyes like you and who uses his directional.”

• Both drivers have spouses waiting in the car, unnoticed as the scene goes off the rails.

---

Riddle Sequences, Tangents, and Improv

More Riddles (23:09 – 32:33):

• Riddle: “I usually come out in the dark, but when I’m out it’s not dark. What am I?”

  • Answer: Flashlight (or light).
  • Improv:
    The group camps in the woods, afraid to turn on a flashlight and encounter the Slender Man (28:06).
    • JPC confesses to hanging out with Slender Man post-breakup, leading to playful jealousy and escalation (28:43–30:00).

• Riddle: “I live underground and almost never move, but when I do, you feel it. And that’s my fault.”

  • Answer: Earthquake (or tectonic plates).

• Riddle: “Everyone uses me to keep warm. I have a match, but don’t start fires. I cover you and you cover me. What am I?”

  • Answer: A sock.
  • Improv:
    Estranged socks (one faithful, one promiscuous, one now paired with a dress sock) reunite after a long separation, their melodrama set to “In the Arms of an Angel” (33:06–36:13).

---

More Riddles & Hardware Store Scene (46:30 – 54:00)

• Riddle: “I have a toilet, shower, and sink but I am not a bathroom. What am I?”
  • Answer: A hardware store (with fixtures on display).
  • Improv:
    JPC’s character uses a display toilet and tries to buy it, leading to a meltdown with an empathetic employee (52:07).
    • JPC (53:21): “You’ve never seen a naked man violently ill, sir?”

---

Medical Tanks and Bloody Tanks (57:41 – 63:57)

• Riddle: “I’m a tank, but I never go to war. I’m always bloody. What am I?”
  • Answer (eventually): Fish tank full of piranhas.
  • Improv:
    Brief moment as “Thomas the Tank Engine,” who relishes the adrenaline after a (darkly comic) accident and heads to Vegas for a wild bender (58:29 – 61:33).

---

Listener Voicemail & Travel Conversation (65:27–67:36)

• Voicemail: Lily asks, “If you could move to any country, where would you go?”
  • Erin: New Zealand (“the energy is so good!”) or Denmark.
  • Adal: Ireland, Japan, or Iceland.
  • JPC (on expired Benadryl, running gag): “Nebraska or Rhode Island.”

---

Notable Quotes

• Adal (04:10): “I have to unplug from the news sometimes because it’s so stressful. ... Wake up and find out cheese is banned.”
• JPC (07:14): “Why did I launch into an impression nobody asked for, nobody wants?”
• Adal as frog dad (13:06): “Sorry to interrupt your dinner. We are the parents of the groom and we just wanted to thank you all...”
• JPC (21:42): “As if I want my kids to have a mom who’s strong and bold and willing to stand up for herself. As if that’s something I’m looking for!”
• Adal (33:54): “But right now, just emotionally, I can’t...this is just a lot. If you’re going to the drawer, maybe I’ll meet you in the drawer.”
• JPC as display toilet user (52:21): “I’d like to buy this toilet. I’ll pay cash and I’ll take it.”

---

Extended Improvised Tangents

• Splenda Man / Slender Man:
  • Recurring gags tying back to Slender Man as a weird ex and the idea of “Splenda Man” as the low-calorie, off-brand version.
• Wink Wet Game Show Host:
  JPC introduces his Benadryl-fueled character “Wink Wet,” host of “The $54 Diamond,” in a tongue-in-cheek parody of game show tropes.
• Live Commercial Parodies:
  The hosts riff on fake and real ads with the same absurd, offhand approach as the rest of the episode.

---

Timestamps for Standout Segments

• Animal news, RatFK begins: 03:16
• Frog Wedding Scene: 12:57–16:40
• Kitten Adoption Scene: 18:00–19:23
• Flirtatious Traffic Jam Scene: 20:41–22:46
• Slender Man breakup/camping bit: 28:06–30:00
• Reunited socks melodrama: 33:06–36:13
• Hardware Store/Display Toilet Scene: 52:07–54:00
• Feral Thomas the Tank Engine in Vegas: 58:29–61:33
• Move Anywhere in the World (Voicemail): 65:27–67:36

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Tone & Style

• Chaotic, improvisational, and irreverent—the humor is “barely about riddles” by design, with frequent detours into parody, absurd character bits (RatFK, Slender Man, Wink Wet), and personal banter.
• Self-aware: The trio acknowledges and lampoons their own improvisational excesses, with recurring jokes about the meta-structure of the podcast.

---

Quick Recap

• Opening news parodies segue into animal trivia and “mouse news.”
• Riddles serve as jumping-off points for outrageously improvised scenes.
• “Splenda Man” and “RatFK” establish running gags.
• Listener voicemails inspire real world and outright silly travel dreams.
• The episode finishes on a high-energy note, loaded with callbacks and meta-jokes about podcasting itself.

---

For fans of anarchic improv, in-jokes, and surreal comedy, “Splenda Man” delivers the full Hey Riddle Riddle experience—where the riddles are both the point and beside the point.

Transcript

[A]

This is a headgum podcast.

[B]

Hey, Adol. Hey, Aaron. Have you guys ever woken up and immediately needed a nicotine pouch and. Or a cup of coffee just to feel like a human big time? Well, if so, I've got the perfect thing for you guys. It's called coffetine. It's called JPC 18 JPC.

[A]

Okay, your notes are. They're burnt on the edges and they're covered in.

[B]

I had to eat my notes.

[C]

It's just your finger and a cup of coffee.

[A]

Ugh. There's gotta be an easier way.

[B]

Well, I tricked you guys, because there is an easier way. Ultra pouches. They've been a complete game changer for my focus and energy levels. First off, these pouches are completely nicotine free and caffeine free. And so you're probably thinking, if they don't have nicotine or caffeine in them, what exactly is in them?

[A]

Well, that's what exactly is in them.

[B]

Yeah. Thank you, Aaron. You're just a little small on that. But Ultra partnered with leading neuroscientists to design these pouches. They use clinically proven nootropics and adaptogens to deliver immediate focus and smooth energy that lasts one to two hours.

[C]

Hmm. So it sounds like what you're saying is if you're fasting or on a diet, Ultra pouches actually help quiet cravings and suppress appetite, keeping you locked in to achieve your goals. Which is for us, 10 episodes today,

[A]

and all without caffeine, nicotine, or a crash. I don't love that crash out. But with this, you don't have to do that nose dive after two cups of coffee. That is a day ruiner.

[B]

Plus, they're trusted by top athletes, entrepreneurs, and engineers around the world. And one person who is all three of those things, and I won't say who, but we all know who it is.

[A]

And they have five insanely good flavors. Cool mint, wintergreen, tropical watermelon, and Blue razz. Isn't that right, Blue Raz? Yeah. Okay.

[B]

Ultra is the ultimate guilt free pouch, delivering instant focus and mental clarity without nicotine or caffeine. New customers can use Code Riddle to get 15% [e-mail] that's takeultra.com for 15% off with code RIDDLE. After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them, hey, Riddle. Riddle sent you.

[C]

Isn't that right, Blue Raz?

[A]

That's right. I'll see you later. I love you.

[B]

Love you too, Blue Raz seems like

[C]

a Different little guy.

[B]

Hey, sweetie.

[C]

Your mother showed me this Carvana thing

[B]

for selling the car. I'm gonna give it a try. Wish me luck.

[A]

Me again.

[B]

I put in the license plate. It gave me an offer. Unbelievable. Okay, I accepted the offer. They're picking it up Tuesday from the driveway. I haven't even left my chair. It's done. The car is gone. I'm holding a check anyway. Carvana, give it a whirl. Love ya.

[A]

So good you'll want to leave a voicemail about it. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up. Fees may apply.

[B]

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldfish. Was the cannon of an airplane. He stabbed him with an ice. Friday,

[C]

Aaron. Jpc. I have some big news.

[A]

Okay, exciting. I'm gonna get all settled and ready to hear the big news.

[B]

Is it size big or importance big?

[C]

Oh, great. You know what? Nobody asked that question. It is. It's important, I guess, to me.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's very small and very important.

[C]

Yeah, I think so.

[A]

Like teeny tiny hold in my hand important.

[B]

Is it commiserate? Does the teeny tininess of the news correlate with the importance of the news?

[C]

I don't think so.

[B]

Okay, so it just happens to be itty bitty, teeny tiny mouse news that is very important to you personally.

[C]

Oh, are you guys following mouse news? Did you hear?

[B]

Oh, my God. Yes.

[C]

Cheese is banned.

[A]

Oh, my God. See, I have to unplug from the news sometimes because it's so stressful. Do you know what I mean? I just can't do that to my nervous system every morning to find out. Wake up and find out. Cheese is banned.

[B]

But this is the opposite, Aaron, because this is good news. This is good news. Unlike cheese, cheese was horrible for mice.

[C]

You know, cheese is causing fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia.

[B]

Fibromyalgia.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Bye.

[B]

No, he had to ban. We had to ban the cheese from the mice because it was causing too much fibromyalgia.

[C]

Oh, Aaron.

[B]

So we had to ban the cheese from the mice.

[A]

What rat is this? Rat.

[C]

I hope you guys don't mind. I did invite ratfk. Ratfk on the podcast. I thought it'd be fun to have just a different perspective.

[A]

Oh, good. Can I ask him some medical advice?

[C]

Please?

[A]

Ratfk. Why are you so horrible?

[B]

Well, you know, that is subjective, but it has probably something to do with the fact that I'm a rat and also a Kennedy.

[A]

Okay, thanks for coming.

[B]

Two horrible things.

[A]

Okay, you know how like, chocolate and

[B]

peanut butter is good.

[A]

Shove, shove, shove, shove, shove. Outdoor adol. What is your news?

[C]

Okay.

[B]

I'm like poison oak in a car.

[A]

Oh, my God, he got back in. Oh, my God, he got back in. Is he gone?

[C]

I think he's.

[B]

Yeah. What do you think? He's gone. Do you think people want more rat FK on the show? What's the news?

[C]

The news is I'm drinking coffee and eating watermelon. That's it.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[C]

It's a combination I never had.

[A]

Adol, that is. You set that up perfectly. It feels like small news, but it is. That's great. Yeah, those flavors work together.

[B]

Coffee. Watermelon. Feels like something redfk would probably endorse, right?

[C]

Yeah, it's pretty bad.

[B]

But the watermelon, I feel like, hydrates you while the coffee kind of dehydrates you. Right?

[C]

There's something there, and there's a nice. It's. I'm eating watermelon. A watermelon feta cheese and tomato mint salad that I made last night.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

So the sort of sweetness and saltiness of that plus the bitterness of the coffee is really. It's a real war in my mouth.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Adel, I'm looking this up, and ratfk says, ooh, that watermelon coffee together. Cause ADHD in preschoolers.

[C]

Oh, well, I'm an adult.

[A]

Better be safe.

[C]

And I already have adhd.

[A]

Maybe we'll undo it. That's how science works now, I guess.

[B]

Now you know how you got it, dumbass.

[C]

So am I gonna be an X Men now?

[A]

I don't know. Let's ask ratfk. Come back in.

[B]

I am realizing now that I told you guys before recording, I was like, yeah, I slept like shit last night. I have a head cold. And I'm like. And then, unprompted, I decided to do Rhett fk. Like, my throat is on fire. And I'm like, why don't I just go? Why did I launch into an impression nobody asked for, nobody wants?

[A]

Brad FK actually said that that voice is good for your vocal cords and good to do while you have a cold.

[B]

Yeah. I would take any advice that that man had about vocal cords.

[A]

You had to pause before you say.

[B]

Well, I was like, do we do the pretense of rat? Do I say, it's a rat? We are. We are. We are talking about. We are talking about ratfk here. No, he's a bad guy, and he got a funny little voice on him.

[C]

Well, here's the thing. It's so interesting that ratfk popped Up. Because I did want to start with something kind of rat related, which is. Oh, ratfk is at the window. He's tapping a beat. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba

[B]

ba ba ba ba ba ba. Can't do it. Can't do it, guys. Can't do it.

[A]

A rat with medical advice,

[C]

A polar bear with a list.

[B]

A hamster with autism,

[A]

a fox with a French horn,

[C]

A sea lion with eyesight issues,

[B]

a giraffe who took Tylenol.

[C]

Okay, let's get him out of here.

[B]

Let's get him out of here. Get out of here.

[C]

Wait. He's dragging a big bag of animal parts. What is that? He has a giraffe neck. He has a whale penis.

[A]

Whatever he's doing, it's not scaring his kids.

[C]

Instead of going from animal parade into an animal article or an animal riddle, I thought what we would do is, much like Red FK wants us to do, I want to educate us on animals. So I have some questions about sort of rat, some trivia about sort of. Not rat, about animal little tidbits. So we're just gonna go through these pretty quickly. I'll ask you some questions. If you don't know them, I'm not gonna draw it out because it is trivia, not riddles. So if you don't know it, you don't know it.

[B]

Got it? You're not gonna make us feel, like, stupid about it if we don't know it.

[C]

I'll make you feel stupid. I'll think it. Here's the first one, because, hey, guys, animals are humans too, and I feel like we should know more about them.

[A]

You're right.

[C]

A dog sweats through which part of its body now? You're both dog owners.

[A]

Don't guess buttholes.

[B]

And it's not. And it's not butthole. I know that, but why is the butthole always so wet?

[C]

So wet.

[A]

What about tummy? What about ears?

[B]

It's mouth, right? It's mouth. They pant. That's why they pant.

[C]

What I have here says paws.

[B]

Is that right?

[A]

Isn't that the same as people?

[B]

Yeah, we definitely sweat through our bows.

[A]

Sweaty hand.

[C]

Which animal's poop is known to take the shape of cubes? Dude shitting bricks.

[B]

I feel like I. I feel like I learned this at the zoo at one point, but now I cannot for the life of me think of which. But this. This is Picasso.

[C]

A cubist poop.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[C]

Everyone's staring at the poop with, like. Like, sort of stroking their chin, going,

[A]

mm, I get it. I get it.

[B]

Is the answer Bebop or Rocksteady? Because I feel like with what went on with them and the ooze, they might shit cubes.

[C]

I don't think any two comic book characters have ever been better named than Bebop and Rocksteady. Just fucking phenomenal.

[B]

Absolutely phenomenal. All timers love Bebop and Rocksteady.

[C]

This is an animal we don't really talk about or think about much. Aaron, you. Is it cause of somebody else may have touched one? It's something they did. They're kind of out of fashion.

[A]

A dead pigeon?

[C]

A wombat.

[A]

A wombat.

[B]

Yes, it is a wombat. I knew it was an Australian animal. God damn it.

[A]

Interesting. Okay, I am learning. I'm learning. It hurts, but I'm learning which animal

[C]

can move its eyes independently. And it's not like a strong woman. Beaver. It's not like I can move my eyes when I want.

[A]

It's on a girl boss beaver.

[C]

Damn, that's a shirt. What'd you say, jbz?

[B]

I said, my beaver's up here because we were talking about eyes.

[C]

Damn, my beaver's up here.

[B]

Move its eyes independently. Yeah.

[A]

I'm guessing a bird.

[B]

I was thinking flying animal as well.

[C]

Both are incorrect. And here's what I'll say. There could be birds or flying animals that do this, but I'm going purely off the sheet I have in front of me. And that is a chameleon.

[A]

Oh, of course.

[B]

Oh, that makes sense. Yep. Yes. I feel like now I know that for sure.

[C]

Okay, this is an interesting one. It says, why might you see a frog dancing? And that does sound like a riddle. But I guess it's a fun little animal tidbit, isn't it?

[A]

Trying to, like, figure out the weather. Like, I'm picturing a. I'm turning my camera back on for it. But you know when frogs go like this.

[C]

Okay. Because it just got married.

[A]

I'm going to turn my camera back on.

[C]

Now. Everyone. It says, guys, we got a dissipation. It says when it's trying to impress a mate.

[B]

Okay, that makes sense. A little mating dance. I feel like mating song. Mating dance. Those are things that we know about.

[C]

Let's do one more. Actually, I do want to see a scene.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

JPC and Aaron, you are giving toasts to a frog couple who just got married. And this is that moment.

[A]

Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit, ribbit, ribbit, ribbit, ribbit. Hi, everybody. Sorry to interrupt your dinner. We are the parents of the groom, and we just wanted to thank you all so much for coming down to the pond and say a few words.

[B]

Now, I know a lot of you must be thinking as a human man and his frog wife. I am not Mr. Puddles birth father, but I am the dad who stepped up, if you know what I'm saying. And I couldn't be. And I never learned frog. So apologies. I apologize if I get some of this wrong. But my wife has been helping me these past few months. And I'd like to say something from the bottom of my heart about my son. Ribbit. Ribbit. Ribbit. Ribbit. Ribite.

[C]

Ribbit.

[B]

Ribbit.

[C]

Disgusting.

[B]

Ribbit.

[A]

Honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey.

[B]

Ribbit.

[A]

What my husband meant to say.

[B]

No, please, it's important I do this.

[A]

Please, it's important I do this to our target.

[B]

I've been practicing for months. No, no, no. Let me say it, please.

[A]

And we hope that their future will be un. Unfroggettable.

[B]

Madam Slimship.

[C]

Please.

[B]

Madam Slimsham. Please, let me say it.

[C]

Honey.

[A]

But you're saying some pretty offensive things, so just be really careful about your pronunciation.

[B]

Trying my best. Ribbit. Ribbit. Ribbit.

[A]

Slow down.

[B]

Ribbit. Ribbit. Ribbit. Ribbit. Ribbit. Ribbit. Ribbit.

[A]

Ribbit.

[B]

Ribbit, ribbit.

[C]

Fucking believable. Ribbit, ribbit. Ribbit, ribbit.

[A]

You're being tadpolarizing.

[C]

We like that.

[B]

What did he say? What did that frog say? I'm trying my best, buddy.

[C]

Hey, I think you gotta get out of here.

[B]

What do you mean, hey, my son.

[A]

They're gonna beat you up. They're gonna beat you up.

[C]

They're gonna beat you up.

[B]

Well, it's a slim sham. I mean, they're frogs.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I'm not. I'm not.

[A]

You're drunk. I'm sorry. Everybody, we're sorry. Sorry. Get it? Honey, go sober up.

[B]

Everybody's drunk. It's a wedding.

[A]

You're human drunk, not frog drunk. That's different.

[B]

How?

[A]

You can really.

[B]

You know what? You know what? I have something to say, and I'm gonna say it in human. Because I've been. I've heard. I've heard the rebels. And I think a lot of you frogs speak what I speak. I think a lot of you frogs speak of human. When I married 31 years ago, a widowed frog, I was excised by the human community. They didn't want anything to do with me. I got called awful names, Frog fucker, et cetera. But you all embraced me. You all made me part of your society. And I finally am doing the work to fit in with you. And I can't get a little grace, a little understanding.

[C]

All the frogs taking out handkerchiefs, stabbing their eyes.

[B]

Sorry.

[C]

We understand now.

[A]

We understand Frog fucker.

[C]

Everything except for X size.

[B]

Okay, yeah. That was Frog fucker. A toast to my frog son. To his frog life. Ribbit, ribbit. Let's dance.

[C]

Frog bibble.

[B]

Let's see two hops right now. Two more hops. Get another couple hops.

[C]

Bop bop.

[A]

Was that uncomfortable to do because it's so autobiographical?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Was that too close to home because you have sex with frogs?

[B]

I changed subtle parts of that character to match what the scene was supposed to be about. But wise eared listeners will know that there are similarities. Certain similarities.

[C]

You're a frog fucker. Let's do one more. What is a group of kittens called? And this is something that might be in each of your homes.

[B]

Now I know Kitty Pryde is a X Men. End of me talking.

[C]

Do you know the name of her little dragon?

[B]

Kitty Pryde's little dragon must be called Tiny Kitty.

[A]

A basket.

[C]

But that is a great guess. It is called a Kindle. Oh, Kindle of kittens.

[B]

A kindle of kittens. Wow.

[C]

Fun.

[B]

Which came first?

[C]

I assume the kittens.

[A]

I would like to see a scene.

[C]

I'm son only been around for so many years.

[A]

You guys are two kittens and you're the last two to be adopted. And you're trying to figure out like how to be cute. You're in competition with each other. You're trying to out cute each other.

[C]

Okay, I think I get it. I think I get it. Make my eyes bigger. Make my eyes bigger.

[B]

Trying to make my eyes as big as possible. But I feel like all both of our eyes are like equally big. So like we need to do something to like really differentiate.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I'm showing like my whole belly. Like I'm just going to like it's just going to be all belly. I'm going to try to do like just belly and eyes basically.

[C]

That's good.

[B]

Maybe that.

[C]

Yeah, that's good maybe. Oh, I'm going to. I'm going to poof out my fur.

[B]

That's so smart.

[C]

Yeah, I look adorable. And I'm going to like, I'm going to stumble, walk like me.

[B]

You know how our tails are not prehensile?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I found some double sided tape. I'm gonna tape my tail around this cat tower and it's gonna look like I'm a cat with a prehensile tail. It's gonna look like I'm like an amazing. You know, I have a preternatural cat ability that most cats don't.

[A]

What?

[C]

Oh, little socks. I'm gonna put on little socks.

[B]

Fuck me. Little socks is such a smart call.

[C]

God damn it. Little hat or something like a little sailor hat. That's it. Socks and a sailor hat.

[B]

Socks and a sailor hat.

[C]

All right, bitch, I'll see you. I'm getting picked up. I'm getting picked up.

[B]

We'll take that one for the Navy.

[A]

Yay.

[C]

A submarine was shot down today. Can a submarine be shot down? Well, let's get into submarine.

[A]

Well, if you were lower in the

[B]

ocean, we were going down anyway. You can't hurt us. You can't do anything to us that we couldn't do to ourselves.

[C]

All right, here's our first riddle. Sometimes I crawl, sometimes I fly. You can get stuck in me, which is usually when I start to honk. What am I?

[A]

Okay, everybody, let's take it easy. No one say vagina. It's probably not that.

[B]

Is it a sneaking goose?

[C]

Aaron, I do have to ask. Does your vagina honk? And there's no wrong answer here.

[A]

I would like to call my lawyer so he can tell you yes, if

[B]

I'm passing a group of protesters or something.

[A]

Yeah, that's so fucking funny. That rocks. Sneaky. Can you read it again?

[C]

Sneakiness. I do. Like, sometimes I crawl, sometimes I fly. You can get stuck in me, which is usually when I start to honk. What am I. And traffic. It's traffic.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

I do want to say something.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Gpc. You're in a car behind Aaron. Just like a traffic jam, and you are kind of road raging out, and you both get out of your cars to. To confront each other.

[A]

This fucking guy. Hey, you know what?

[B]

This.

[A]

This.

[B]

This. Do you know how to. Do you know how to merge?

[A]

Do you know how to get out of my car? Oh, I'm getting.

[B]

Oh, I'm getting out of my car. Hmm. Oh, hey, brainiac. Where did you go to driving school? Fucking beauty academy.

[A]

Hey, handsome. Where did you learn how to be a jerk? Behind me at the Handsome factory.

[B]

Oh, that's just great. Everybody give it up for the most beautiful driving woman I have ever, ever seen in my life.

[A]

Oh. Oh, that is rich coming from someone who is. Is this your car? I'm looking at your license plate. Is this registered to you? If I wanted to find you later.

[B]

Oh, you think that's rich? I'm rich, and I could give you a good life.

[A]

Wow. Wow. Of course I would.

[B]

If you give me a chance. If you give a guy like me a shot.

[A]

Yeah. Because I want my kids to have a father that looks. Has soft eyes like you. Has soft eyes like you and uses his directional. Oh, yeah. As if. Classic.

[B]

As if I want my kids to have a mom who's strong and bold and willing to stand up for herself. As if that's something I'm looking for. Oh, traffic's moving. Why don't we just pull off into this Ruth Chris steakhouse and I buy you a dinner?

[A]

Oh, wow. Maybe we get a bottle of wine to share and. You know what? Let me preemptively give you my phone number in case we get into a car accident or in case I. We have a really nice time.

[B]

Oh, good. I'll just put this into my phone contacts, and I'll save your contact name as Hot Woman Angry.

[A]

Oh, wow, that is so funny. And I'll put you in as future husband. Isn't that interesting?

[B]

Wow. You know what? This has been nice.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I hope we have sex at a Red Roof Inn later.

[A]

I completely agree. Both of their spouses are at the passenger seat to be like, what is.

[C]

What's going on out there, honey? What were you yelling about?

[B]

I have no idea. I lost my shit completely at that woman.

[A]

Insane.

[C]

That's how more traffic fights need to go.

[A]

Yeah. People all over the world join hands.

[B]

Everybody has ice cold Coca Cola. They just have a nice traffic interaction.

[C]

Kendall Jenner puts a flower in a gun. I usually come out in the dark, but when I'm out, it's not dark. What am I?

[B]

Hmm?

[A]

Hi. Are you gay? The sun. Happy Pride month, everybody. It's July.

[C]

It's not a gay sun. I usually come out in the dark, but when I'm out, it's not dark. Would I.

[B]

It's not a gay sun, but if it was, I would embrace him just. What a sec.

[A]

It's not the moon. It's not the sun. It's not a planet. It's on a star.

[C]

The moon is not the sun.

[B]

Is it a pizza? Is it a frozen pizza?

[C]

It's not DiGiorno's. I usually.

[A]

Is it delivery?

[C]

I usually. You don't hear the other way around much. I usually come out in the dark, but when I'm out, it's not dark. What am I?

[B]

I usually come out in the dark, but when I'm out, it's not dark.

[C]

You're on the right path of light.

[A]

Is it a light?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

What about like a sword in a

[C]

scabbard oh, you're thinking of Sting, yo. I'm always thinking little sword that.

[B]

Oh, my God. Stinger's approaching the ring. Oh, my God, the humanity.

[C]

Can you imagine?

[B]

Stingers hit Hollywood. Hulk Hogan with a chair. Oh, my God.

[A]

Oh, God.

[C]

He's in the rafters. Can you imagine if Frodo just played the police for that giant spider?

[A]

Okay, how does that happen?

[C]

And the spider was like. The spider was like, you know what? Why are we fighting?

[B]

Roxanne, you don't have to fill me up with your poison.

[A]

A fun thing not to talk about, Zorp out of Nowhere, but a fun thing about dating Zorp is he is a very good Zorp out of Nowhere,

[B]

by the way, Sounds like a Disney Channel show.

[A]

It really does. Coming next week on Zorp out of Nowhere.

[C]

Joey Lawrence is Zorp out of Nowhere.

[A]

And it's just a kid that shows up where he's not supposed to be. Oh, Zorp. This is a. The back of a funeral home. You can't be in here, buddy.

[C]

Whoa. Zorp. This is the Million Man March. How'd you travel in time?

[A]

Zorp is very good at impressions. It's not something he does for work or he just vocally can just do things. And he has an ear for not the biggest quotable lines and things. And so when he'll quote Lord of the Rings, it makes me laugh so hard because I've never heard someone do an impression of Aragorn. And he does the. And I shall die as one of them. And I was like, that's exactly how he sounds. I didn't realize how much he sounds like Bane in that movie. I Shall Die is one of them. I love it. I love it.

[B]

Obscure quotes, obscure quotes is a great game because it's like only a slim percentage of people will know what the fuck you're talking about. And that's perfect.

[A]

We'll play a game while we're walking or in the car, which maybe we should. Maybe we can play on a Patreon or something where you name like, a famous movie or IP or TV show or something, and then you have to guess what the other person. The quote from it that the other person picked. Like, the thing that they quote the most. So I'd be like, second Lord of the Rings movie or like Little Mermaid or whatever, like Star Wars. And then you have to guess what the other person would quote the most from.

[C]

It looks like meat's back on the menu, boys.

[A]

See, I would have guessed that for you.

[B]

Future. Future. Also, future game that we could play maybe on a future Patreon, is we take super obscure quotes from movies up to the quote from the movie that is the most well known and say them one at a time and the first person to buzz in with the movie name wins.

[C]

Oh, fun.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, I love it. Okay, we'll do that.

[C]

Almost like a Doug loves movies.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

IMDb. From the most obscure to the.

[B]

We'll just turn this into a Doug loves movie esque podcast. That's on the new games. That's in the new games workshop.

[C]

One day, I usually come out in the dark, but when I'm out, it's not dark.

[B]

What am I. Oh, is it like a headlight?

[C]

Very close. It is very much like a headlight. Street light, one might say a portable headlight or streetlight flashlight.

[B]

A cell phone.

[C]

It's a flashlight. Or a cell phone with a flashlight.

[B]

Yes. My cell phone has my flashlight on it.

[A]

I'd like to see a scene.

[B]

My flashlight takes calls.

[A]

We are three people who are camping, easy, and it's really dark. And we're trying to figure out if it's too scary to turn a flashlight on because we don't. We're scared of what we might see.

[C]

Did you hear that?

[B]

Yeah, I heard it. It sounded like, like nails scratching, you know, on a chalkboard from a distance away.

[A]

That's.

[B]

Did everybody else hear that as well? Aaron.

[C]

Aaron, wake up. Aaron, wake up. There's nails outside. There's nails outside.

[A]

Hey, guys. Oh, my God.

[B]

Whatever we do, we're just, you know, we're psyching ourselves out. Let's not turn on another. A flashlight again because of kind of what happened last time.

[C]

I'm sorry. I said I'm sorry.

[B]

Well, it's not your fault. It's just that we turned it on and there was a Slender man in here, so. Yeah, but then we turned it off and felt around and no Slender man, so.

[C]

And Aaron, I just want to apologize. Yeah, what? Your dating life is your dating life. I didn't. I didn't mean to poke your spot.

[A]

You guys were right to discourage me from dating him. It really blew up in my face. He's weird. He's weird.

[B]

Guys.

[A]

He turned out weird. And you were right. I'm sorry. I didn't.

[C]

Listen, I heard him say, when you guys went on your first date, you split the check, but you split it 70, 30.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

That is weird. That is weird.

[A]

It is weird. And I was like, okay, I'm paying 70%. I'd rather pay all of it. So. So it feels like I took you out to dinner. I'm paying 70%. And I'm like, he also killed a bunch of people.

[B]

And, like, I feel like you guys know. So I'm just gonna say it because I feel like you guys know. Me and the Slender man have been hanging out as friends. Aaron, you introduced him to us. I was doing my best to give him a chance. We click on so many levels. And I have been hanging out with him as a friend. If you do not want me to hang out with him, I don't want you to.

[A]

I don't want you to. That's a betrayal.

[B]

Of what?

[A]

He broke up with me. You can't hang out with him now.

[B]

I didn't know that because we don't talk about you. See, that seems weird, but I will. Hey, guess what. Guess what. I will stop hanging out with him.

[A]

This is a power play for him. He's trying to mess with my head.

[B]

Oh, fuck you. I'm an interesting, cool person. People love hanging out with me.

[A]

That's what I mean. You know that's not what I mean.

[B]

The way that you said it was. Oh, a Slender man would never find you interesting, jpc.

[A]

No, I don't.

[B]

A Slender man would have nothing to say to you.

[A]

I think that he's taking advantage of how kind and interesting you are. I don't know.

[B]

Well, I hope that's not true. Well, I hope. I sent you.

[C]

I don't want to add sort of wood to the fire, but I adopted Slenderman. You guys know I'm coaching that youth basketball team, and I found out that Slenderman is technically only 13 years old.

[A]

So this is clearly you using him. No, he's not, because I dated him. This is clearly you using him.

[C]

Do you know how much I have to spend on clothes? It's all custom. It's $800 a shirt. The pants. Forget about it. I usually use Saran Wrap.

[A]

I wish we had not been lazy and we actually made the tent because there's nowhere for me to storm off to. You guys, you suck. That sucks. We're all supposed to be on the same team. That sucks. This sucks.

[C]

What sucks?

[B]

Guys, what are we doing? Okay, let's focus on what this weekend is supposed to be about. We came out to the woods to bury Casey's body because we accidentally hit him so hard at the neck, he spun around and just cracked in half.

[C]

So sleep o forever.

[B]

Yeah. Sleep into his eternal sleep. Okay, so we are here to bury Casey.

[C]

Okay. To die. To Sleep O no more to sleep

[A]

O no more to dweem Perhaps

[B]

to

[C]

dweeb sucks how much I was laughing at Casey's funeral.

[A]

Sorry, Kosher.

[B]

A funeral? More like a.

[C]

Should we. Should we tell everybody Casey died?

[A]

Yeah, probably.

[B]

That's why I'm so fucking confused. Good for you, Casey. Hey, Casey. Good for you.

[C]

I live underground and almost never move, but when I do, you feel it. And that's my fault. What am I?

[A]

Tectonic plates.

[C]

Tectonic plates.

[B]

Tectonic plates.

[C]

It is an earthquake. Yep.

[A]

Let's dance like tectonic plates.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Run into each other and cause confusion. What?

[B]

Good on you for knowing the science name for earthquake.

[A]

Ah, I don't think that's the science name for earthquake. I just think the tectonic plates sort of hit each other.

[B]

It's the science name for earthquake. It's like, you know, if you're like, calling a dog, like Canaanicus vulpus or something like that. You're pretty smart, Aaron. You're pretty smart.

[A]

I know, I'm dumb.

[C]

Tectonic blade sounds like an imagine Dragon song. Um, let's do one more before break here. Everyone uses me to keep warm. I have a match, but I don't start fires. I cover you and you cover me. What am I?

[A]

Live in my house, I'll be your shelter, that's all. Cover you from rent?

[B]

Yeah. Remember, I gotta match your face and my ass. I mean my face and your ass.

[A]

No, I mean ass to ass.

[B]

I gotta match your stats.

[C]

Everyone use. Yep, Everyone uses me to keep warm. I have a match, but I don't start fires. I cover you and you cover me. What am I? And don't say Val Kilmer in Heat. Aaron, what'd you say?

[B]

A sock, Aaron. Sock.

[C]

They have socks.

[A]

I would like to see a socks

[C]

get used to keep warm. They have a match. They don't start fires, they cover you, and then you cover them with your pants. Probably

[A]

Adeline. Jpc. I'd like to see a scene. You guys are a pair of socks and it's been like over a year since you've seen each other. You had the classic sock displacement that will happen in a house. And one of you was exclusive and waited, and one of you was sort of paired up with other socks for a while.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

Oh, my God. Left.

[B]

Oh, my right. Holy shit.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, my God. I honestly thought, because I remember that you were wearing kind of thin in the heel and I thought that you.

[C]

I lost weight.

[B]

I thought, yeah, a little I took the shot. I just thought you. I thought you died.

[C]

I thought you. You look haggard. Are you okay? Were you outside? Did you get left on a field trip?

[B]

I've just been on the top of the dresser. I've left exposed to the elements.

[C]

Dust, dog hair, the big two.

[B]

Yeah, you know. Oh, boy.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

It's so good to see you.

[C]

It's so good to see you.

[B]

But right now, just emotionally, I can't kind of like. Cause I'm so. You know, this is just a lot. And I could use, like, kind of a moment if you. If you don't mind. If you're going to the drawer, maybe I'll meet you in the drawer.

[C]

Oh, okay. Sorry. Who is this? Like a dress. A dress sock behind you. Who's that?

[A]

Hey, baby, our reservations are at 6. Are you gonna make it? Oh, who's this?

[B]

Goo Goo Gaga? Yeah, it's so funny. This is a dress Sock. Yeah, that's a dress. Oh, my God. Dress sock.

[A]

This is.

[B]

Right, this is.

[C]

Hi.

[B]

I've mentioned. I've mentioned.

[C]

I'm left match.

[A]

Oh, yeah, you guys did. You started together. You obviously didn't end up together.

[C]

Have three red stripes on the. Am I. Am I missing something? Am I a fucking idiot?

[B]

You did nothing wrong. Dress sock.

[A]

What's up, baby?

[B]

That I mentioned dress sock. As though is a widow. Is a widow.

[A]

Yeah, I lost my other half, but, you know, that's just what happens. Gary's a mess, man. He can't keep track of anything in this house. You know, the fact that he's wearing one dress shot sock and one regular sock to work out is bleak. That breakup really hit him like a freight train. Anyway, so nice to meet you. Right. We should all get dinner sometime. Would love to hear about my. The love of my life sex. All right, baby. I'll be waiting over here.

[B]

Okay. Yes, that's.

[C]

Turn around. Do you have a hole in your heel? What's that for?

[B]

Um, no, this is. That's just like a.

[C]

What's the hole in your heel for?

[B]

You probably have one too. I mean, everybody has. Everybody has different holes and, you know, it's just another way someone can put a foot in. It's not. It's for. Not. It's for. Okay, can I be honest?

[C]

For one year, I thought you were dead. I kept a constant visual for you. I lit candles every night.

[B]

So long.

[A]

For you, we cut to a sock lighting candles, playing in the arms of an angel, weeping, trying to hold itself

[C]

on the foot of an angel. Pharaoh, please. Sock God.

[B]

If you're up there, please, camera pans to the top of the dresser.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. There's a hole in the back of this sock.

[B]

I'm about to lint.

[A]

Wowee.

[B]

Woah. I'm about to lent. That's a lot of lint.

[C]

What is that up there? Rain.

[A]

And we can definitely cut that.

[C]

Oh well, I have to take off my socks and never wear socks again.

[A]

Yeah, it sounds gross.

[C]

And we'll be right back.

[B]

Hey, Adeline. Aaron. You know how I was saying that I want to stay in shape as I get older? I finally settled on the shape.

[A]

Oh, which one? Hectagon, Octagon Circle?

[C]

Walrus?

[B]

No, I'm doing normal human man. That's what I'm doing. Yeah.

[C]

Yes, Interesting.

[B]

And I love a good dad bod. But with summer starting, I've been thinking about getting into better shape. And by that I mean like normal human man shape.

[A]

Yeah, you need support for that. Mars Men is a natural supplement designed to support healthy testosterone levels which can help your body burn fat more efficiently and build lean muscles. Balancing your hormones is so, so important.

[C]

Yeah, I'll say is we men get up in age, our bodies start to what I call squirrelify, which means that they start to store more fat and nuts and we lose muscle faster. The main reason for that obviously is testosterone, not a pasta. It's actually a thing in your body. And most men's testosterone does sound like a pasta. They start dropping in their bodies as early as as in their 30s GPC. That's why you're feeling this.

[B]

And with a 90 day money back guarantee, Marsman has no risk. So worst case, you don't absolutely love it and get your money back. But over 91% of users report higher energy levels. Thousands of guys are feeling incredible results. Just check out the reviews on the website to see for yourself. For a limited time, our listeners get 50% off for life plus free shipping and three free [e-mail] that's mingotomars.com for 50% off and three free gifts when you check out. After you purchase they will ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them our show sent you.

[C]

Take us to your leaders. Ooh, nice body. We're Martians.

[A]

Okay, Mars. Okay. All right. Okay. Hey guys, can't talk long. A very crazy week. I've got about 60 seconds to hang out with you guys. I'm really on the go this time of the year.

[B]

Okay, we don't have to talk. I just want to kind of spend our minute hanging out cuddling. If everyone's cool with that.

[A]

Yeah, I'll be the big spoon. As per usual. You know what's been helping me so much this week, guys? Having my Tempo meals. Tempo delivers fresh chef created dietitian approved meals right to your door.

[C]

Well, Aaron, sweetie, that's. And let me just snuggle in between here. That's the thing is with Tempo, each meal is perfectly portioned for lunch or dinner and ready in just two minutes. That means real food, real fast, without, you know, like sad podcast studio lunch or like drive through regret plus.

[B]

With 20 new recipes every week. Made from nutrient rich ingredients, Tempo keeps things exciting and helps you stay consistent with healthy habits. Hey, speaking of keeping things exciting, why don't I be the tiny sharp fork?

[C]

Ow.

[A]

Ugh. Okay, we'll try it. No matter what your goals, there's a Tempo meal for you. Protein packed meals with up to 30 grams of protein, calorie conscious and even GLP1 based meals. I love the filet mignon with creamy mushroom sauce. 30 grams of protein. Gorgeous. Makes your home smell nice. Cozy, cozy meal in your belly. Ugh. The best.

[B]

Let me get my tiny fork and that.

[C]

Speaking of the best, even busy athletes like Maria Sharapova.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Don't say a word, Maria. But thanks for coming.

[B]

Dynamite smile.

[C]

Even she swears by Tempo for balanced meals that help them stay on top of their wellness goals. Bye, Maria. Thanks for stopping by.

[B]

And for a limited time, Tempo is offering my listeners 60% off your first box. Just go to Tempo meals.com riddle that's tempomeals.com riddle for 60% off your first box. Tempomeals.com riddle rules and restrictions may apply.

[C]

Sharapova, you're snuggling us too. Don't say a word.

[A]

Don't say a word. It's really nice to see you.

[C]

Don't say anything.

[A]

This sweater's so hot. Why am I wearing a sweater during the summer?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Aaron pulls on sunglasses. Aaron, baby, get with the times. It's all right.

[A]

Cool vibe.

[C]

It's summer.

[A]

Ish.

[C]

Perhaps. And you have to go to Quint's to get some lightweight, breathable quints. Wearables.

[A]

Oh, that sounds so nice. I love quints.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Everything at quints is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. And they work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middleman. So you're paying for quality, not brand markup.

[A]

Aaron, Quint's goes way beyond clothing. They have custom upholstered sofas, ceramic cookware, premium bedding it's the kind of brand you end up recommending to everyone for everything. I'm moving this summer and I have so many things favorited from Quint. I want curtains from there. I want some of their kitchen stuff. Their rugs are unbelievable and priced so fairly. And I'm so excited that Quints exists. Perfect timing, Quince. Thank you.

[C]

Gemma got a 100% European linen fit and flare midi dress from Quints that she is obsessed with. Looks great on her and they also have stuff for babies. So we've put little crumpet in some beautiful, adorable, little breathable summertime cotton onesies.

[A]

Oh, cute.

[B]

You gotta elevate your summer wardrobe. Go to quince.com riddle for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's quince.com q u I n c e.com riddle for free shipping and 365 day returns.

[C]

Quince.com riddle Erin, I'm grilling up some pants.

[A]

Yum. Wait, what?

[C]

Summer baby.

[A]

And this is Lou wearing a funny top hat. And here's a picture of Lou and she's just laying in the sun. She's so cute. And here's Lou. Look how gray her snoot is getting. She's just so precious. I'm so obsessed with my dog Aaron.

[B]

Aaron, you said you had something really important to talk to us about and this is that.

[A]

Oh, yes. Yes. 91% of dog parents say their pup is an important member of the family. And 40% would even save their dog over a human stranger. Safe to say people are obsessed and I'm one of them. And that's why I give my dog Ollie. Ollie's fresh recipes are developed by real chefs and backed by vet nutritionists. They're obsessed with making the best meals with the highest quality ingredients. Yeah.

[B]

Plus, from the moment you start your subscription to Ollie, everything is tailored to your pup. The meals are perfectly portioned, and you get a puptainer and scoop for easy storing and serving. My dog spaghetti absolutely loves Ollie food. Around four o' clock every day, she starts snapping at me because it's like. I'm like, yeah, it's kind of almost dinner time. But she is so excited for dinner time since we switched to Ollie.

[C]

Oh, look, Lou's getting near the microphone. What is it, Louis? Ollie. Ollie.

[A]

Now that's not her voice. I'm obsessed with her. I can tell you what her voice is. This is her voice. With Ollie, you don't just get food through their app. You can actually check on your dog's health with real vets, just by uploading a picture, their team can check up on your dog's weight, digestion, teeth, and coat because they're obsessed with making sure your pup is as healthy as can be. And that's me, Lou. And this is my voice.

[C]

Get ready for both you and your pup to be obsessed. Head to ollie.com riddle, tell them all about your dog and use code riddle to get 70% off your welcome kit when you subscribe today. Plus they offer an obsession guarantee. If you're not completely obsessed, you'll get your money back. That's o l l I-e.com riddle and enter code RIDDLE to get 70% off your first box. Ollie, feed the obsession.

[B]

Is that right? Spaghetti? Yeah, that's right. Only dog food. It's good dog food.

[A]

That's her voice.

[B]

That's her voice.

[C]

That's John Travolta in a dog suit.

[B]

No, it's.

[A]

That's John Travolta.

[C]

Look at the beret.

[B]

Guys. I wish it weren't true, but it's her voice. You guys, full disclosure because I think it's ethical for me to disclose this. Up top. If I'm going to be engaging in the rest of this episode during the break. I did take a Benadryl that expired in 2024, so I'm going to be going to be impaired during this episode. My guess is that it's gonna hit me immediately. And I just want you guys to know that anything else that I say in this episode, I don't endorse.

[A]

And jpc. When you stay exactly the same, I want you to take this as a brutal wake up call of how you need to change when everything stays exactly the same.

[B]

If you want a brutal wake up call, you try waking up with a whale's head in your bed.

[A]

Adult get the broom. Adol.

[C]

Okay. Sweeping away. Oh, you know what, Aaron? I thought I grabbed a broom. I grabbed Sunderman. I am so sorry, son.

[A]

Hey, how. How are you? You look good. I like your tall top hat.

[C]

I forgot you guys used to.

[A]

No, no. It's good to see you. Have a good one. Oh, my God. I was so embarrassed.

[C]

I've never heard him talk.

[B]

I've never heard him talk either. I technically didn't. Did anyone hear it? Maybe you guys.

[A]

It beams into your jaw muscles. The sound of his voice. It rattles around your head like a marble.

[B]

Like those headphones. Those like, like around the neck headphones.

[C]

Temple headphones.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Binding beats Splendor Man's A real Splenda man.

[B]

Splenda man.

[C]

Splenda man's a real riddle. But we have.

[B]

It's free. Splenda. Splenda. It's free. You can use Splenda man. You can sell your fake sugar or whatever with him.

[C]

Sweet. And Loman. I have a toilet, a shower, and a sink, but I am not a. A bathroom. What am I?

[B]

Boat.

[C]

Okay, you're saying a bathroom on a boat.

[B]

No, I have a poop deck.

[C]

You know, I have a toilet, a shower, and a sink, but I am not a bathroom.

[B]

Are you a restroom?

[A]

A jail cell.

[B]

It's not a restroom.

[C]

It's not a jail cell.

[B]

Is this like, one of those, like, a lab that has, like, an eyewash station? Ooh.

[C]

No, but.

[B]

Cause let's talk about it.

[A]

I love the labs that have a toilet right in the middle so all the scientists can watch each other.

[B]

What is a toilet? You know, hole in the ground, basically. Hole in the ground, connected to some pipes. You can pee anywhere. You can pee in anything that's a toilet. What is a shower? Hole in the ceiling.

[C]

You know

[B]

what?

[A]

Okay. I'm gonna airlift your wife out of your house. We gotta get her out of there.

[C]

Airlift?

[A]

I'm sending a helicopter today. She deserves.

[B]

An Uber would suffice. An Uber would be fine.

[A]

No, no. We gotta get her out of there.

[B]

A toilet, a sink, and a shower.

[C]

And a shower, but I am not a bathroom. What am I?

[A]

I gotta say, the top of my car. According to birds.

[B]

I was really Jimbalushy.

[C]

According to birds. Yep.

[B]

I love Jim Belluchies according to birds. I was really hoping that an expired Benadryl was gonna give me, like, riddle superpowers. Ooh.

[C]

Like, you can slow down time. Or like.

[B]

Yeah, time's feeling slower. I'll tell you that much. It's. That part's definitely happening. But the part where I'm, like, really good at sussing out the answer to riddles is not really kicking in.

[A]

Oh, dpc, can you do earmuffs really quick? Just cover your ears. Adel and I just have quick business and.

[B]

Sure, I can. Let's just plug these up.

[A]

Adol, this is a really good opportunity to gaslight the shit out of jpc. Maybe he's going crazy. Should we just talk in nonsense words the rest of the episode? Talk real slow. What do you think we should do?

[C]

Okay, let's tell him that he is actually JP Riddles and that JPC is a character that JP Riddles plays.

[A]

Love it. Okay, perfect.

[C]

Okay, you can take earmuffs. Off.

[B]

And guys, I heard Slenderman. That's for the first time I heard the voice. It's so pleasant.

[A]

Ah, it's because you could focus.

[B]

Yeah, it's so pleasant.

[A]

Jpc, we were just talking about how we're going to buy you a really nice gift, so expect that any day now. I panicked.

[B]

Now, you guys know that my love language is not giving and receiving gifts. My love language is lick, lick, lick, lick you from your head to your toes. So I expect my gift to be very Wink wet.

[C]

Wink wet, the game show host.

[B]

Guys, I almost launched into Wink wet.

[C]

Oh, please.

[A]

Oh, we get here a Benadryl inspired Wink wet.

[B]

It's the worst day. It's the worst. I've done rat fk too much this episode. It's the worst. And it's me. Wink wet.

[A]

Yay.

[C]

Yay.

[B]

Let's play the $54 diamond.

[A]

It's Benadryl. JPC. Everyone's favorite kind of JPC. Benadryl. JPC robs banks. Benadryl. Jpc is not suitable for children. Benadryl. J.P.C. is a weird kind of guy.

[B]

It's me, Wink Wet, reminding you to have all of your pets stuffed and mounted

[C]

in that order.

[A]

Wait till they die. Wait till they die.

[C]

Now, I've heard rumor that the $54 diamond is the most profitable game show in game show history because the payout is $54 and not everyone.

[B]

And they've never paid out the top prize They've never paid out the top prize in the history of the show.

[C]

Do you think there's ever been a game show where the contestants are in the hole, I guess with flights and stuff, if people fly to LA to be on prices right or something?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

I just know. I've heard not horror stories, but inconvenience stories of people being on, like, Price is Right, and it's like, oh, they want a car, but then if they want to keep it, they have to pay taxes and ship whatever it might be. Like, it just sounds like a whole logistical nightmare.

[B]

Ken Jennings taking you into the back room, and it's like, so you have 48 hours to come up with our money.

[C]

A hammer. You're breaking your own fingers.

[A]

Ken, Ken, let's just calm down. Let's just slow down.

[C]

I was roommates with Brandon Sanderson.

[A]

I know, Ken. I know. You went to BYU together. I know. Let's just.

[C]

Why hasn't he written me into the books?

[B]

Why am I not in the cosmere didn't frame it. The. You have to put it as A question. Why am I breaking my own fingers? What the fuck am I doing?

[C]

Why was I roommates in college with Brandon Sanderson? I have a toilet, a shower and a sink, but I am not a bathroom.

[A]

This one I got. I fucking forgot. We're in the middle of the. Can we have a hint? Adol you? Toilet.

[B]

Shower, sink.

[C]

So think about where a toilet, a shower and a sink might be, but maybe they're not all next to each other.

[B]

A toilet and a shower and a sink. But it's not a bathroom and they're all not next to each other.

[A]

Oh, is it like a Lowe's? Like a store?

[C]

It's a hardware store. Yes, it's like a Lowe's or like a store.

[A]

I would like to see a scene. Jpc, you're a guy who just went to the bathroom in a toilet in a hardware store. And Natalie, you're the employee.

[C]

Are we playing characters, though?

[A]

Yeah, let's go ahead and play characters.

[B]

Hi, I'd like to buy this toilet. Hi, excuse me. I'd like to buy this toilet.

[C]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[B]

I like to buy this toilet. I'll pay cash and I'll take it.

[C]

Can you flush? Wait, don't. I actually don't. That's on the floor now.

[B]

Hey, man, don't make a big scene. I'd just like to buy this toilet right now and I'd like to make a big scene. Hey, man.

[C]

Shit. In our display toilet.

[B]

How about a little grace for someone who's obviously going through something? Do they not teach you empathy?

[C]

Actually, we do. We take a three month training course in Sarasota every year for empathy. That's why we shut down. That's why we shut down for three months every year so that we can be as empathetic as possible.

[B]

I love Christian businesses. I love Christian. I love businesses. I that are run on Christian values.

[C]

We are not a Christian business, sir.

[B]

Sure. Wink wet.

[C]

Wink wet. Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave and I do need to. Well, I was going to say I need to take a picture so we can keep it behind the registers so as not to allow you back in, but I don't want to take a picture of you with your current situation.

[B]

My current situation?

[C]

Yeah, so. I'm sorry, what?

[B]

You've never seen a naked man violently ill? You've never seen a naked man violently ill, sir.

[C]

I've seen myself in the mirror after an old country buffet, so.

[B]

Wow, that empathy course really is doing something. See, that's Three months. That's three months of here.

[C]

But for the grace of God go I. And I know what you're thinking. There. But for the grace of God. Christian. But we're not a Christian business. Wink wet.

[B]

Of course. Wink wet. Look, I apologize for what I did. Obviously, I need to start. I need to be coming back here, okay? This is the only place that sells the refrigerators I like, and I go through those things. Wear and tear.

[C]

What are you doing that you're going through refrigerators?

[B]

Are you some sort of taking the fucking doors off the things? I'm so hungry.

[A]

Excuse me. I have to buy the chandelier. I need to. I would like to buy the chandelier. I would like to buy the chandelier. Please. Just point me in the direction of how I buy the chandelier, please.

[C]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[B]

My God.

[A]

I'm your wife. We're both. We have horrible food poisoning. I don't know why you wanted to run this errand today. Can I please buy this chandelier? My husband would like to buy this toilet, please.

[B]

We keep getting food poisoning because my goddamn refrigerators are ruined. I keep yanking the doors off the damn things and the food goes bad immediately.

[A]

It goes bad immediately.

[C]

Oh, wait a minute. I know you. You have that YouTube channel where you eat smart, spoiled food.

[B]

No, that's not the point of the channel. The point of it. We're urban foragers. Like, I caught a whole wolf and I salted it and I put it in the fridge and it went a little bit bad. Okay? But it's not a Spoiled Food YouTube channel.

[A]

The point of the YouTube channel is to have fun and make friends and eat spoiled food.

[B]

We're swinging. We are swingers.

[A]

We're swingers. Catch.

[B]

Wink wet.

[C]

Oh, chandelier. I get it.

[A]

We're naked, we're sick. We're trying to buy this toilet and this chandelier. Thank you.

[C]

Can you say that again? We're naked. We're sick.

[B]

We're we're tried to buy this chandelier.

[C]

Sorry. I slip knot. I want to write this down. We're naked.

[B]

We're wet, and we couldn't help.

[A]

We're sick.

[B]

We saw you from across the store. We love your vibe.

[A]

I have a cold sweat.

[C]

I'll just call it the sickness Is that us that's disturbed.

[B]

I think it is disturbed.

[C]

That's disturbed. Yes. That was so.

[B]

I bet Casey knows a slipknot song. Casey strikes me as the type of guy who maybe listened to a little bit of Slipknot back in the day.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Nope. Sorry, Creed.

[B]

Wow. Casey, don't let anyone from Toledo hear you say that. Shit. Weezer man after my own heart. Casey, have you heard the new Weezer track? New album coming?

[C]

No, I haven't yet.

[B]

New album coming, Casey. It's pretty good. It's pretty good.

[C]

Casey, you're supposed to be dead.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Oh, fuck. You died.

[C]

Oh, shit.

[B]

God damn it, Casey.

[C]

I'm from the grave.

[B]

I just had no continuity with Casey.

[C]

So when we talk about now, slipknot is like 12 men from Iowa and they're all wearing heavy latex, right?

[B]

Sure. Yeah.

[A]

I don't know anything about them. Is that the vibe?

[C]

I think they're from Iowa. I think there's a bunch of them. I think their drummer's supposed to be, like, a world class drummer. Here's the thing with, like, Gwar, with Slipknot, I assume with others, I'm hot recording in this studio right now, and I'm wearing half a shirt and rolled up pants. If you're performing on stage for two hours in Gwar costumes or like Slipknot masks, aren't you, like, losing £80 a night?

[B]

Yeah. You must be sweating buckets under all that shit.

[C]

How do they then wear those suits the next day?

[A]

If that's someone's job, someone's there with a blow dryer going, fucking. Fucking hate my life. I love this music, but I fucking hate my life. Sorry. And I feel worth it every single day.

[C]

Fan of the band three years ago said, I'd do anything.

[B]

If you've ever been, like, camping for, like, a few days, you start, you just. You're just like, this is it. What I am is the vibe, you know, it's like, hey, hey, everybody. We're all on the same page here. When we're camping, if you're in Gwar or Slipknot, I think everybody's on the same page. Everybody's gonna be like, let's nobody bring it up. We all know what's happening.

[C]

For a minute there, for a minute there, when you said, if you. I thought you were gonna do. You might be a Slipknot.

[B]

You might be a Slipknot if you

[C]

wear a clown mask on stage. All right, let's do another riddle here. I'm a tank, but I never go to war, Yet I'm always bloody Thomas the Tank Engine.

[B]

Hold on, I didn't hear. I heard a lot.

[C]

I heard a lot. I heard a lot.

[B]

Hold on, I didn't hear the second part. I shot it with something.

[A]

Thomas the Tank Engine.

[C]

Achoo. The train that sneezes so much.

[B]

The tank engine. I want to see a seat.

[A]

The train that sneezes. We're all doing three different things at once.

[B]

Aaron, I want to see a seed. You are Thomas the Tank Engine. And you just. You just hit a person who was crossing the tracks. And they are. They're dead. They're very dead.

[A]

Fuck, man. Let me in. Let me in. Let me in, man. Fucking let me in.

[C]

Station. Thomas.

[A]

Fuck me.

[C]

Oh no.

[A]

I'm so fucking fucked. Oh my.

[C]

Thomas. Is that raspberry jam?

[A]

Shut up. Up. Look at me. Shut the up.

[C]

What did you do?

[A]

I didn't do anything. I can't stop. Oh man. I feel awesome. I feel there's so much adrenaline in my body. Okay, I'm. I need you to get a hose.

[C]

Thomas, you're rock hard cop.

[B]

What are you doing?

[A]

Yeah, get a hose, Mr. Station. Come on.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Holy. I feel like I could climb a mountain. Jeez.

[B]

I'm scared.

[C]

I don't like what I'm seeing.

[A]

I feel like a little engine. Engine that can. I can just go. And I just want to. I just want to kiss someone right now. Holy. I'm alive, man. We're both alive, man.

[C]

Thomas, please. I need you to get this cargo over to Milwaukee.

[A]

Cargo? Milwaukee. You think I'm gonna be the most alive I've ever felt And I'm going to Milwaukee? You that. I'm going to Vegas right now, man. Chugga chugga, chuga. Vegas 21. Yeah, hit me.

[C]

22.

[A]

Hit me.

[C]

23.

[A]

Okay, where's that? Where's that? With the martini. Send her back over here. Oh my ass. Yeah, that's what I thought. Can I get another martini, toots?

[B]

Thomas the Spank Engine over here.

[A]

I like that. I like that kind of joke. That's my joke now. I made that joke.

[B]

No, it's my joke. I Rodney Dangerfield.

[A]

Someone take care of this guy.

[B]

Hey, what's the big idea? Oh, I get no respect.

[C]

Wakes up in bed in between pen and Teller. That was magic.

[A]

Yeah, it's not gonna happen again though. Don't fall in love with me, fellas. Not even you. Quiet one.

[C]

Thomas in the bathroom, snorting blow.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to hit the buffet. I'm going to get crab legs. I'm gonna go to the buffet. I'm gonna get crab legs. Cuz you only live once. And they're coming to get me. I just know it.

[C]

Thomas. Front row with Magic Mike.

[B]

Jump On.

[A]

Yeah. I'm hard for you.

[B]

Before we melt this train down into hard slag, do you have anything to say to the people of Happytime Junction?

[A]

I want to say, fuck you all, y'. All. That was the best week of my life. Hippie.

[B]

It was 40 minutes.

[A]

What? What?

[C]

I'm a tank, but I never go to war, yet I'm always bloody. What am I?

[B]

I was trying to say Thomas the Crank Engine. And I was like, where can I work in Thomas the Crank Engine? And then Aaron slapped that waitress's ass. And it just goes together so naturally.

[C]

I think my favorite part of that scene was you smacking the witcher's ass. And I, as the witcher said, oh, my ass. And Aaron, you said, that's what I thought.

[A]

Yeah. I tried to guess where your ass was. And I guessed right.

[C]

Yeah, that's what I thought. I guess you're a train. Yeah.

[A]

I don't know about asses. I'm a train. I have a caboose.

[B]

You're dead.

[A]

I have a question about your riddle.

[B]

Yeah?

[A]

The tank, is it some sort of like, medical tank? Like what? It's like a tank that holds back a tank? Yeah. Not a tank. Like, what is like a tank? Oh, go ahead.

[B]

The bacta tank is the tank that Luke Skywalker was in on Hoth with his little diaper.

[C]

With the walls closing in.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no. The healing tank that he's in. And all the jelly to heal. Right? That's on Hoth, right? Isn't he in that tank on Hoth?

[C]

I think so.

[B]

Right before he kisses his sister.

[C]

Some like it Hoth.

[B]

Some like it Hoth.

[C]

I'm a tank. They need to bring this tank, the blue milk in the tanks. That's why we see Star wars films. Bring them back. And Sebulba. I'm a tank, but I never go to war, yet I'm always bloody. What am I? You're right to think whoever Aaron, I think he maybe said medical tank. Was that you? It's right to think along those lines. Where it's not.

[B]

Is this tank Dozer's brother at the end of the Matrix after he gets absolutely shredded by that energy weapon.

[C]

Jbc. No.

[B]

Yes. This is my day. This is the day your life will surely change. When I woke up in the morning cause I couldn't go to bed. I was watching the words of my

[A]

eyes to REDFK in 24 hours. When you realized that Adel and I weren't here on this recording with you. And you just sat down at your computer and started talking to the mic. How surprised are you going to be

[B]

when I wake up tomorrow and I feel shittier than I do today? I'm going to be like, what did I do yesterday that could possibly have worn me out in a way that made me. I'm honestly the dumbest bitch in school.

[A]

And that was your superlative, I think.

[B]

Yes, it was.

[C]

I'm a tank, but I never go to war, yet I'm always bloody. What am I now? Think. Think around.

[B]

Medical tank was right.

[C]

Medical tank was not correct. But along those lines of like, it's not. It's not a military tank and it's

[B]

not a toilet tank. Because that's disgusting.

[C]

That's disgusting. I would say think along the lines of like, this is something.

[B]

Ooh, is this a piranha tank?

[C]

Jpc. It is a fish tank full of piranhas.

[B]

Is it really?

[C]

It is.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Wow. Benadryl paid off. 2 year expired Benadryl paid off. Instead of any more riddles, why don't we do this? Why don't we have you, the listeners, riddle us with a voicemail? Casey, can you play us a voicemail?

[B]

Yay. What's the deal with voicemail? Is it a voice or is it a mail? Where do they come from?

[A]

Tiny people inside the phone.

[B]

Who are these people? I love the. Oh, no. I love it.

[C]

Oh, it's so weird. It was just dead air. Jpc, what'd you hear?

[B]

Nothing. Yeah, I heard nothing. It was just the Slender man whispering his little secrets into my brain again.

[C]

That was incredible. That was from Chris Finke.

[B]

Yeah. Chris Finke said listening to 100 isolated clips of the three of you laughing could make even the grumpy old men crack a smile. And he capitalized the grumpy old men,

[C]

as is proper to do Jack Lemmon, Walter Matthau. And it sounds like that was called. Hey, Giggle giggle. Thank you so much, Chris Finke. That was outstanding. Let's hear a voicemail.

[A]

Hi, Aaron, Adel and jpc.

[B]

My name is Lily. I'm going to be headed to New Zealand in a few months and I'm very excited.

[A]

So much so that kind of feel like I don't really want to return

[B]

to the US So if you guys

[A]

can move to another country, which country would it be?

[B]

Okay, have a good one. Bye, Lily.

[C]

Thank you so much. Aaron, did you go to New Zealand when you were in Australia?

[A]

I did. I loved it so much. That would probably be my number one choice. The south island in New Zealand is so beautiful and I just. The Energy is so good that, that, that or Denmark, I think.

[B]

Isn't New Zealand the place that all the billionaires are also like, buying? Oh, like, yeah.

[A]

Which is so crazy because it's like so frustrating that I'm like, oh, you love it there because it's like socialism.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they like take care of the environment. It's just so fucking annoying.

[B]

The climate refuge. I think I would go to New Zealand and be like, go there as a billionaire hunter. Just, you know, crawling through the vents.

[C]

Die hard.

[A]

I love that. I would love to live in Ireland.

[C]

Oh yeah, the west coast of Ireland is unbelievable. I would say either Japan, which is just incredible, or Iceland. If I'm looking for more of a. I mean, do you. Wildly different the bookends of like population. But yeah, those would be my 2.

[B]

Anywhere outside of the U.S. i would go Nebraska or Rhode Island.

[A]

Benadryl. Benadryl. APCs on Benadryl.

[C]

Oh, Nebraska. Like an island time.

[B]

Summer. Summer in Nebraska and then like winter and Rhode Island. Yeah, for sure. For sure. That's the way to do it. That's the way to do it.

[C]

Well, Lily, I hope that helped. Have a wonderful time on your trip. Unless you already took it.

[B]

And then fuck your time. If it's already spent, you wasted it.

[A]

Okay, Mr. Benadryl, time to lay down.

[B]

Oh, thank God.

[A]

Anything to plug?

[C]

Yeah, I want to plug. Taking medication that's not expired, of course. Also check out Gumshoes and Dragons podcast that the three of us do with the wonderful Anthony Burch. It's a rollicking good time, Erin. Anything to plug or promote.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Check out quality time on Instagram. And if you're in la, I would love if you dropped in to see one of our shows. Jpc. Do you want to read a review or talk about your little Ben and drill in your head or read a review?

[B]

I would love to read a review. This is a 5 star review sent to us by Stobbert87. This review is titled Fart 3 Exclamation Points. Never mind. IJPC decided not to read a 5 star review. Instead, I wanted to say something that's been on my mind recently. Fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart. And of course, fart.

[C]

Aaron, he's gone.

[B]

I was never really here.

[A]

He closed his eyes while he was reading that.

[C]

We're on the same page.

[A]

Well, hot dogs.

[B]

Fart, fart, fart, fart for you, but you'll fart to your fart.

[C]

Who would have fart farty?

[B]

Chris Fardacris. I'm part of Chris Far Bitch. Get out the park.

[C]

I've got parts in different area.

[B]

Hey there. Jams and candles. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's improv from a farmer's market. You can listen to that plus our entire back [e-mail] heyfordlefertile by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your 7 day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

[A]

That was a Headgum Podcast. Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[C]

Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that was us now on Headgum.

[A]

Each episode we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show. This is us.

[C]

That's right.

[A]

We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[C]

Are we gonna cry?

[B]

Yes, a little bit.

[C]

Are we gonna laugh a lot?

[B]

A whole lot.

[C]

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify.

[B]

New episodes every Tuesday. Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville.

[C]

And I'm Jeff Tremaine.

[B]

Welcome to Jackass the Podcast, a new show coming to, coming to.

[C]

That's what it is.

[B]

Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville.

[C]

And I'm Jeff Tremaine.

[B]

Welcome to Jackass the Podcast, a new show now on Headgum.

[C]

Woohoo. I've learned a Jackass movie has to be really 90 minutes. Every minute over is a minute too long.

[B]

Apparently there's only so much butthole you can take. We're going to take you behind the scenes of our entire history. All the best spits, bad behavior, and even worse decisions. All of it. Sometimes we don't make the right decisions. Jeff. I've noticed that every every so often with guests like Spike Jones.

[C]

I think let's commit to Jackass the podcast.

[B]

What was it going to be called? The Jackass Podcast. Jackass Podcast.

[C]

Without you, the IQ drops significantly.

[B]

Steve O. There's a strong chance that were it not for Jackass, that I would be in clown makeup right this minute. Chris Pontius, that shot of your butt

[C]

just cruising up, I'm like, yeah, I got that on tv. God bless us.

[B]

Dave England. Yeah.

[C]

When you come in and you're being really nice, I'm like, Damn it, something bad's gonna happen to me.

[B]

We may Jeff grabbed me from the back of the head and threw a punch.

[C]

The whole bar just stopped and wanted

[B]

to kill me and some of the crew that's been with us from the beginning. I had to share a room with this guy. I left a nice surprise in the toilet for him every time. Apparently he hates to flush. Subscribe to Jackass, the podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcast, Pocket Cast, or wherever the hell you get podcasts.

[C]

Our new episodes drop on June 18th.

[B]

Woo.

[C]

Look out for new episodes in your feed every Thursday.

[B]

Watch video episodes on YouTube and follow along with us on Instagram and tik tok@jackassthepodcast. What were we just talking about? Probably buttholes. You're listening to this podcast, so I know you've got a curious mind. Here's a helpful fact you might not know. Drivers who switch and save with Progressive save over $900 on average. Pop over to progressive.com, answer some questions and you'll get a quick quote with discounts that are easy to come by. In fact, 99% of their auto customers earn at least one discount. Visit progressive.com and see if you can enjoy a little cash back. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates national averaged 12 month savings of $946 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2024 and May 2025. Potential savings will vary.