#417: Two Little Twinkie Boats w/ Katie Rich & Holly Laurent

Summary

Hey Riddle Riddle #417: Two Little Twinkie Boats w/ Katie Rich & Holly Laurent

Release Date: July 15, 2026
Guests: Katie Rich & Holly Laurent
Main Hosts: Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, John Patrick Coan (JPC)
Podcast Theme: Comedic improv and riffing loosely guided by riddles and puzzles.

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Episode Overview

This episode brings together the comedic duo Katie Rich and Holly Laurent, creators of the comedy podcast "Soccer Moms," joining the Hey Riddle Riddle crew for a chaotic riddle-solving session. With the usual blend of off-the-rails improv, Chicago improv nostalgia, pop culture tangents, riddle-solving, and deep-dive bits, the group reflects on friendship, their improv roots, gender, and the absurdities of everyday life.

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Guest Intros & Banter (02:27–10:36)

Katie Rich & Holly Laurent: Friendship & Podcasting

• Origins: Katie and Holly share the history of their friendship, meeting in the Chicago improv scene and forming a deep bond working at Second City as the only two women on mainstage (07:11–08:01).
  • Quote (Katie, 07:42): “We went through all the fights and the things and everything that you would go through in 20 years of friendship… now we're just family.”
• 'Soccer Moms' Podcast: They describe their show—playing fictionalized versions of themselves as suburban moms who divert attention from their kids’ boring youth sports games by recording a podcast in a minivan (08:11–09:07).
  • Quote (Katie, 08:55): “We wanted to do a project…an excuse for us to kind of be together and not have to act too much.”

Improv Nostalgia

• Erin reminisces about how Katie and Holly’s Second City duo inspired her comedy (10:36–11:20).
  • Quote (Erin, 11:10): “I truly, like, in a daze, catatonically on the train the whole ride home was like, something has changed…”

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Key Discussion Segments

Riddle Warm-Ups & Group Dynamics (13:21–29:54)

Listener Submission & Immediate Tangents

• The group attempts riddles submitted by "Kathleen from Calgary," quickly leaping into longform scenes, tangents, and bits before and between answers.

Notable Early Bits:

• Twinkie Boats Scene (16:43–21:41):*
  • The group improvises a melodramatic "parental reveal" scene (Star Wars analogy included) involving Twinkie snacks.
  • Memorable quote (Katie, 17:04): “I know you like to pull your Twinkie into two and make two little Twinkie boats instead of one Twinkie log.”
  • Holly, 22:08: “I never realized sperm and stormtroopers are both little white guys,” leading to a packed analogy/comedy riff.

First Riddle Answers:

• When is your uncle's sister not your aunt?
  • Holly solves instantly: “When she’s your mom” (15:31).
• What is black when new, red when in use, and grey when discarded?
  • Holly: “Charcoal” (23:20).

Comedic Procrastination and Friendship Energy

• Frequent references to planning to “cheat” at riddles, e.g. one distracts while the other Googles, but ultimately play fair (05:20–06:41).
• Constant callback and riffing on how their brains feel “like Homer Simpson’s” when faced with difficult riddles (24:23–24:37).

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Comedic Improv Scenes

Improv breaks are central to the show, inspired either directly by a riddle or a stray comment:

Haunted Bed & Breakfast (29:36–33:40)

• Katie plays a creepy, footless, and possibly spectral innkeeper who greets honeymooners with “breakfast at midnight” and passive references to the afterlife and haunting.
  • Quote (Katie, 30:40): “Breakfast is at midnight... So is marriage.”

Optometrist Analogies Scene (61:44–65:23)

• Holly plays a patient, JPC an optometrist obsessed with animal analogies and “wolf’s eyes,” spiraling into weirdness and romance.
  • Quote (JPC, 62:15): “You have wolf’s eyes…a frame like this is gonna draw attention away from those eyes.”

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Pop Culture & Comedy Tangents

Simpsons Quotes Free-for-All (25:46–27:44)

The cast shares their most-quoted Simpsons bits, using it as an excuse to distract from tackling a tough riddle.

• Katie (26:06): “Nuts to this, I’m going to the movies.”
• Aaron (27:02): “The one I quote the most is ‘I’m in danger.’”

TV & Reality Show Sidebar

• Alone (44:14–46:16): Discussion about reality survival shows, the challenges, and their emotional/physical toll—riffs on prize money vs. suffering, and the strange delight from watching starving contestants on Survivor eat Oreos (46:37).
  • Holly (46:37): “One of my favorite things in the world is to watch...the food challenge...to see them bite into, like, an Oreo...for some reason, it really delights me.”

Gender Swap “Which Celebrity Would You Be?” Game (48:03–56:55)

The cast muses on which celebrity they would be if born the opposite gender:

• Katie: “I’d be Jay Cutler.”—I’d be a dirtbag Chicago bro.
• Holly: “Shia LaBeouf.”—Sensitive artist energy turned brawler if male.
• Erin: “Rivers Cuomo of Weezer.”
• JPC: “I’d just be a woman we don’t know…’Marissa Sullivan’ from Santa Fe.”
• Melissa: “Geena Davis” for JPC.

Reflections on empathy, hormones, and the idea that gender swap should be mandatory for understanding perspectives—a recurring thread that’s thoughtful amidst the comedy.
- Quote (JPC, 54:21): “When my Woke 3.0 agenda hits Congress, I am gonna mandate that people swap genders at least once…there’s an empathy-building tool in there…”

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Riddle Highlights (with Timestamps)

| Riddle | Solution | Solver(s) | Memorable Notes | Timestamp | |------------------------------------------------------------|---------------|--------------------|-----------------------------------------|------------| | When is your uncle's sister not your aunt? | Your mom | Holly | Launches Jack Nicholson/SW tangent | 15:31 | | What is black when new, red when in use, gray discarded? | Charcoal | Holly | | 23:20 | | My first is half of anything, my second in itself complete | Semicircle | Group (prompted) | “Homer’s brain”/Simpsons riff | 28:11 | | Bones nor spine, but carries fire on head? | Candle | Aaron & Melissa | Candle debate → haunted BnB scene | 29:15 | | I can make oil boil—what am I? | The letter B | Holly | “Speaking of Bs”— segues to break | 33:54 | | A word meaning by oneself, subtract 2 letters, still alone | Alone | Katie | “Al” sidebar → Alone TV riff | 42:42–44:00| | I can be quick & deadly, rock/shell/bone medley... | Sand (“Sandman”)| Holly/Katie | “Enter Sandman” musical riff | 60:24 | | Without bridle/saddle, I ride a-straddle, help blind see | Glasses | Aaron | Eyeglasses, prompts optometrist scene | 61:17 |

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On cheating at riddles:
  Katie (05:50): “If there’s anything we’re good at, it’s not doing the job, but working hard to help us not do the job.”

• On post-Covid riddling skills:
  Melissa (14:09): “I started acting like my microphone wasn’t working so that you would think that was why I didn’t ever have any answers.”

• On friendship & creative collaboration:
  Katie (08:11): “We haven’t been able to live in the same city for a while…so we created Soccer Moms so we could be together and not have to act too much.”

• On celebrity gender-swapping by personality:
  Katie (48:17): “If I was a man, I think Shia LaBeouf is perfect—that’s who [Holly] would be.”
  Holly (54:19): “I do think my oddness would become destructive if I were a guy.”

• On empathy and gender:
  Katie (53:38): “Write in, I’ll do it—if you tell me your vibe, I’ll tell you your opposite gender celebrity!”

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Conclusion & Plugs (71:01–72:00)

• Soccer Moms podcast: Cohosted by Katie and Holly, new episodes every Tuesday.
• Follow on Instagram: @bffsoccermoms
• Bonus plug: Season 5 of Harley Quinn (Katie), HBO Max

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Episode Tone & Takeaways

• Vibe: Playful, loose, deeply silly, with unexpected moments of insight on friendship, gender, creativity, and empathy.
• For New Listeners:
  • Don’t expect a lot of actual riddles—expect creative chaos, improv, and camaraderie.
  • The heart of the episode is in its tangents, performances, and the way the hosts and guests play off one another.
  • Riddle fans and newcomers alike will find the comedy deeply interwoven with genuine affection among the cast.
• Most Memorable Moment:
  The “two little Twinkie boats instead of one Twinkie log” scene (17:04–18:20) encapsulates the blend of absurdity, improv, and callback comedy that defines the Hey Riddle Riddle experience.

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Structured and summarized by an expert podcast recapper, maintaining the language, tone, and comedic rhythm of the episode for your reading enjoyment.

Transcript

[Katie]

This is a headgum podcast.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Hey everybody, it's jpc. Are you anything like me? Do you wake up and immediately need a nicotine pouch or a cup of coffee just to feel like a human? Or maybe a little whiff of cat food? Like you just crack the corner of one of those little tins and just smell kind of just what's inside the cat. You don't want it to eat it. We all know you don't eat cat food, but are you like me? Does that happen to you? Well, that's why I want to talk to you today about Ultra pouches. They have been a complete game changer for my folks and energy levels. They are completely nicotine free and completely caffeine free and as far as I know it's not in the copy. But they're also cat food free. If you are one of those people that needs to sniff cat food first thing in the morning and you're probably thinking if they don't have nicotine or caffeine or cat food in them, what exactly is in them? And that is a great question. Ultra has partnered with leading neuroscientists to design these pouches. They use clinically proven nootropics and adaptogens to deliver immediate focus and smooth energy that lasts one to two hours. Hours. So we're talking about things like infinity PX, L theanine, alpha GPC. Kind of sounds like alpha JPC and vitamin B6 and B12. These are truly clean plant powered pouches designed to sharpen your mind and lift your energy. All without caffeine, nicotine, current food or crash. I've tried these. They actually do wonders for your energy levels. It is a great replacement to that first hit of cat food. I mean caffeine in the morning and 90% of users saw significant improvements in their overall focus levels, enhanced memory, smooth energy, mood balance, all with zero nicotine and zero caffeine. Ultra is the ultimate guilt free pouch delivering instant focus and mental clarity without nicotine or caffeine. New customers can use Code Riddle to get 15% [e-mail] that's takeultra.com for 15% off with code RIDDLE. After you purchase they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them. Hey Riddle. Riddle sent ya. The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldfish. It was the cannon of an airplane.

[Holly]

He stabbed him with an ice ray

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

and the horse is named Fright.

[Aaron]

Good news Adol jpc. I need to do one more Episode. And then I've earned my riddle badge.

[Holly]

Oh, Aaron, congratulations.

[Aaron]

Thank you. I got this one for helping an old lady cross the street. I got this one for learning how to climb a tree. And now I just have a spot ready for riddles.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

And then once you get this. Aaron, I'm so sorry. I know I should take more of an interest in your social hobbies, but what is it you become? You become a

[Aaron]

certified witch.

[Holly]

Ooh.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Oh, Aaron, congratulations. You've been searching for that for so long.

[Aaron]

I know. I get to finally put curses on you guys if you wrong me in any sort of way.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Aw.

[Holly]

All right. Oh, Aaron, just to make sure real quick, when you helped an old lady across the street, it wasn't like a Mrs. Doubtfire situation, right?

[Aaron]

What do you mean, you think?

[Holly]

Well, if it wasn't true, if it was like a guy trying to win back his kids, it doesn't count.

[Aaron]

It doesn't count.

[Holly]

Yeah. And then you can never be a witch.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

Okay, what about the me climbing a tree? It was kind of a Mrs. Doubtfire situation when I did that.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Well, I'll just say, aaron, and I don't know your specific situation. It's happened to me a bunch of times. I wouldn't put this on you, but if you climbed a person wearing a tree costume that you thought was a tree, that's not gonna count for much.

[Aaron]

Okay, I'm gonna throw my sash into the garbage. All right, guys, that's fine. I don't even care.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

And we technically don't even do riddles on this podcast. We just do jokes, so it's like you can't really get a riddle badge for this podcast either.

[Aaron]

I don't even care. That's fine.

[Holly]

Me at my desk, seeing Aaron throw her sash in the garbage. One good deed. Something, something. You've done it, Aaron. My. My boy. You've done it.

[Aaron]

No, it's too late.

[Katie]

I don't care.

[Aaron]

I don't care.

[Katie]

Doesn't matter.

[Holly]

Never mind.

[Katie]

Let's do it.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Oh, yeah, let's do an episode. And who better to do an episode with but the soccer moms?

[Katie]

They don't.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

They don't.

[Aaron]

Katie. Rich.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Oh, maybe they're excited.

[Melissa]

Hiya.

[Katie]

We were so excited that our tongues fell out and we had to put them back in. We could really use someone who could help us and get a badge for it, but I guess that won't happen.

[Aaron]

Oh, it's too late.

[Katie]

It's too late.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Aaron already has her tonguing a woman badge.

[Aaron]

I got that in college. Who didn't spinning a cigar.

[Melissa]

The little badge just has, like, a cherry stem with a knot in.

[Aaron]

Guys, thank you for coming to the show. This is a huge honor to have you. We've had you before, but to have you on together is very meaningful to me. I'm very happy to have you on.

[Katie]

We're so happy. Holly and I have gotten to a point where we don't want to do anything not together. So thank you for acknowledging and adhering to that.

[Melissa]

Yeah, we've planned a whole strategy on how to cheat today, so. But it requires both of us. It's kind of like a card counting thing, but it works for riddles.

[Katie]

Unfortunately, there's no visual. But there's some blinking. There's some Morse code blinking. Sort of like the torture guy. We all know the torture guy.

[Aaron]

I feel like you guys are going to be the first to hack the show. We have never had riddle card counters on before, so this is going to be really exciting.

[Katie]

If there's anything that Holly and I are good at, it's not doing the job, but working hard to do the thing to help us not do the job.

[Aaron]

Cutting a corner and it's a longer route. I totally correct.

[Katie]

We would rather walk three miles than the five minutes it takes.

[Holly]

Here's my. And I'm not trying to cast accusations. My guess is that one of you distracts us with a personal anecdote while the other one Googles the answer to the riddle.

[Katie]

Okay, we're gonna have to come up with something else. Yeah. Shoot.

[Melissa]

Wow, that's. Well, he got there. Right? Right in the first try.

[Katie]

Yes. We're gonna play fair for one of the first times in our lives. Although I am using a dog as well to help to distract.

[Melissa]

We have a phone. A dog.

[Katie]

Yeah, we have a phone.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

A dog.

[Katie]

But it's wonderful to be here. We just. We adore you guys, and. Yeah. Thank you.

[Aaron]

If. If people haven't heard your past episodes, could you guys talk about, like, your time in Chicago together and how you met?

[Melissa]

We met through the sacred act of improv. Chicago Improv scene. Through our. Our patron saint, Sharna Halpern.

[Aaron]

I pray to her every night.

[Katie]

Every night. Yeah. Holly and I have known each other for an embarrassingly long time, and then we both got the honor of doing the main stage at Second City together. And we were the only two women. Which never really happens. It was just. We were too much women for. They had two black cast members, and then they were like, well, then we can't have more than, you know, two women.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

And Noah's arc style.

[Katie]

Huh?

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Noah's ark style. Two by two, 1,000%.

[Katie]

And we kind of went through, like, 20 years of friendship in, like, two years. Cause we were just always together in a small space. And like, we went through all the fights and the things and everything that you would go through in 20 years of friendship. And so now we're just kind of the same person.

[Melissa]

Family.

[Katie]

Yeah, now we're just family.

[Melissa]

Now we're just like a real functional family.

[Katie]

Yes.

[Melissa]

Who's ever heard of one of them?

[Katie]

And so we. We haven't been able to live in the same city for a while. And so we wanted to do a project that would be an excuse for us to kind of be together and not have to act too much. And so we created soccer moms where we play fictional versions of ourselves that are very rooted in ourselves that are. We are two best friends. Shocking. Who have children. That's the stretch. Who play in youth sports. And the games are so boring that they've decided to start a podcast in their minivan. And that is the basis of it. And it sort of is two types of. We sometimes do straight interviews with people who are just playing themselves, and we're interviewing them in character. And then most of it is our friends coming on and doing a character that lives in the world with us

[Melissa]

to improvise with us. We're going to make all you do it.

[Aaron]

Yep. Sorry. When that popped up on Instagram, I literally mumbled to myself, I manifested this. I was like, I did this. If you wish hard enough, a podcast exists.

[Holly]

Aw.

[Katie]

Well, we can't wait to have you all on. And yeah, we got some big folks coming up. Big guests. Not in size, but in stature.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Who's your tallest guest?

[Aaron]

That's a great question.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Because we just had Ross Bryant on a different show of ours, and I gotta say, Ross.

[Katie]

I think Ross. God damn it.

[Melissa]

We've had.

[Katie]

Ross is probably the tallest. Ross makes me feel normal sized. Cause I'm very tall.

[Aaron]

How tall are you?

[Katie]

I'm five' ten, but I usually wear something with a little bit of oomph to it. So I'm usually about six feet, five'

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

ten with a cape.

[Katie]

Five ten with a cape?

[Aaron]

Yes, sir.

[Katie]

Yes, sir. I think Ross probably right. That's the tallest guest we've had. That's the tallest person we've ever had.

[Melissa]

I don't know. I don't know.

[Katie]

We just had Ashlyn Harris. I don't. She. How is she? She's like. She's almost six feet tall.

[Aaron]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

The goalkeeper for the women's team. Ashlyn Harris. Woo. Very.

[Aaron]

That's so cool.

[Katie]

Very hot. So, yeah, so it was basically just our excuse to get to be with each other a lot. It's on big Many players network on iHeart, which is will Ferrell's network. And yeah, we have been having such a great time.

[Aaron]

It's the best. I implore people to check it out and we normally do plugs at the end. But I wanted you guys to talk about it right at the beginning because I. People have, like, when I get asked about and I've gushed to you guys about it, so I'm just gonna talk about you like you're not here. But when I get asked about, like, big influences. Katie and Holly have my favorite second city scene of all time. Is it a student and a teacher or a guidance counselor and a teacher? Yeah, it's the best. And then you guys came and did a two person show at I.O. when I was a student. And I truly, like, in a daze, catatonically on the train the whole ride home was like, something has changed. I know who I'm. I know something has happened to me and I know who I'm trying to be.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

That sounds like the beginning of a musical member, Erin.

[Aaron]

Yeah, I made the whole train car sing with me and they were furious.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Yeah, I thought you were gonna say something has changed.

[Katie]

You.

[Melissa]

You got your first period that night.

[Holly]

I did.

[Aaron]

I became a woman that night.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

No, wait, hold on. I actually know when Aaron got her first period, and it's when she saw Tom Brady in a Boston pastry parade.

[Aaron]

Yeah, that is actually. I. Well, I know that's when I became a woman. I felt like I became a woman

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

when he looked at. What am I saying?

[Katie]

So when you look at him now, does your period go back?

[Aaron]

Oh, yeah, it just. It comes out my mouth. I get, like, throwing up blood.

[Katie]

Something definitely comes out my mouth when I see him now.

[Aaron]

I went to the Roast of Tom Brady because my friend was a producer on it and I hadn't seen him since I was in the third grade in person at that Patriots parade. And I went, oh, man, you were handsome once. And now you look like a scary marionette puppet. Oh, no.

[Katie]

It's real tough what he's done to himself. And you know, he's literally. It pains me to say, but he is the greatest of all time. And he still had to do that to himself. So what hope? Remember when Halle Berry got cheated on? I was like, there's no hope for any of us. You just gotta, like, who you are and accept it.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Halle Berry. I don't remember this. Who did that?

[Katie]

David Justice.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Shame. David justice, the ballplayer. And David got him back in chump of the week. That's the thing we do every week.

[Katie]

We have a choice in 1994. Yeah.

[Aaron]

You could get chump of the week for stuff that you did in the 90s, for sure. We're not. Your crimes follow you here on retroactive

[Katie]

chump of the week.

[Aaron]

Right.

[Katie]

It's not a linear thing.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

No.

[Katie]

It exists outside of time, definitely.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Okay. We're all saying the same thing now.

[Katie]

Yes.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

We all agree we're all on the same page. And so let's get even further on the same page by doing some riddles, huh? How does that sound?

[Melissa]

Woo hoo.

[Katie]

Very nervous. Yeah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Katie, Holly, we've had you both on the show before, but separately. Katie, we were looking at this before we started recording. We had you on almost two years ago. And Holly, it's been five years since you've been on the show. So in the last two for Katie, five for Holly, has your relationship with riddles changed at all?

[Katie]

Well, Covid didn't help.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Yep.

[Aaron]

You know, and you came on post Covid already, so. Yeah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

So I believe you came out of 2024, so. But Covid didn't help with that.

[Melissa]

Yeah, Covid didn't do shit for my appearance last time.

[Katie]

And that was like the height of

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

COVID This is 2021, I believe. Yes.

[Melissa]

I will say that I came on feeling like I'm somebody who enj a riddle. I did, I did pretty well when I was reading the Hobbit of what has He Got in Its Pockets? Is I, I, I'm probably gonna be all right. And then what I learned in that postco appearance on hey Riddle Riddle is that I, I started acting like my microphone wasn't working so that you would think that was why I didn't ever have any answers.

[Aaron]

There she strategy that no one had done before.

[Katie]

I mean, there she goes walking across the street.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Well, okay, so that's great news because I think today's riddles are going to kind of just ease you back in. Now, these are submitted by a listener. This is a listener whose name is Kathleen and Kathleen is in Calgary.

[Katie]

Okay.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Kathleen wrote us also a very nice note that said that she started listening to the show when her first child was born. And her first child is seven. And she lets that child listen to it.

[Aaron]

Hang up. Hang up the phone.

[Katie]

I don't want to think about that.

[Aaron]

Hang up.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Just kind of rough stuff.

[Aaron]

Stop it.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Just kind of rough stuff. Okay, so here's your first riddle. This is a riddle from Kathleen. When is your uncle's sister. When is your uncle's sister not your aunt?

[Holly]

When she's your mom, Adam.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

It is when she is your mom. That is correct.

[Holly]

Ooh, I do want to see a scene.

[Katie]

Adel's just a stud.

[Melissa]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Holly]

I do want to see a seed. Is everyone familiar with the Jack Nicholson story?

[Melissa]

No.

[Katie]

There's many of his parentage.

[Holly]

Katie. Totally fair.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

I mean, he got points for being the Joker, right?

[Holly]

Like, he took merch points. Yeah, he made, like, 250 million off Batman. Which is true. He found out at some point that his mom was his sister and his grandma was his mom.

[Katie]

Oh, I think that was very common of his era.

[Holly]

Oh, yeah. Where it's like, we've lost that.

[Katie]

We've lost that tradition, that whimsy of.

[Holly]

Oh, Sarah. Sarah's upstate, and when she comes back, I've had a new kid. So I'd like to see a scene. Let's say that, Holly, you are sitting Aaron down to let her know that you are not her real mom, that Katie is her real mom. And, Katie, you can be whoever you like, darling.

[Melissa]

I went to the Hostess outlet today, so I've got fresh boxes of whatever you like. I got Ho Hos, Twinkies, Ding Dongs. I even got you some.

[Aaron]

Mom, you never let me have dessert like this. What's going on? Do you have bad news? Are you okay?

[Melissa]

No, I just. I couldn't miss a sale. I could not miss a sale. And these are all buy one, get one or half off, which I think is the same thing. But I didn't stick around to do the math. I just started filling up my cart, and for the life of me, I could not remember, what's your favorite? Or is it these of the cherry pies? Is it these?

[Aaron]

I'm a Twinkie gal. The entire dining room is filled. Mom.

[Katie]

Are these. Are these guilt desserts?

[Aaron]

What's going on?

[Melissa]

These are love desserts. Because I love you so much, I want you to have a little pleasure. I know you like to pull your Twinkie into two and make two little Twinkie boats instead of one Twinkie log. So here you go. Here you have one little Twinkie.

[Katie]

Margaret. Is that my cue?

[Melissa]

Come on in. Come on in. Come on in. Diane.

[Aaron]

Oh, hi, Diane.

[Katie]

Oh, hey. Hey, sport.

[Aaron]

Babe.

[Melissa]

Diane. Diane.

[Katie]

Give her a hug.

[Aaron]

Give her a hug. Get in there.

[Katie]

Get in here.

[Melissa]

Get in there.

[Aaron]

Her arms are so strong.

[Melissa]

Doesn't that feel good?

[Katie]

And yours are, too. Yours are, too. More than you think. More than you could ever know.

[Melissa]

Yeah. Yeah. Do you think.

[Aaron]

Is Diane dying?

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Mom?

[Aaron]

Your. Your weird friend Diane. Sorry, I.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Sorry.

[Katie]

Hey, you can editorialize as much as you want, babe. You can, I promise.

[Melissa]

But no, nobody's dying. I mean, I feel like I just want to tell you.

[Katie]

Diane.

[Aaron]

You only see Diane usually on the 4th of July.

[Katie]

Yeah, that was a big day for us.

[Melissa]

That is. That is.

[Katie]

That was a big day for us.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Katie]

And not just because I lost a finger, because I gained something real important that day, too.

[Melissa]

That's right. Someone. Well, you know how. Honey, you know how, when all the. When all the.

[Aaron]

Stop shoving Twinkies in my mouth.

[Katie]

Mom, please.

[Aaron]

I'll eat them at my own pace.

[Melissa]

I want you to know. Do you remember in Star wars when all the Jedi ships, when Luke is racing toward the Death Star and all the stormtrooper ships are following him and he's going towards the Death Star? It's so much like what happens in a woman's reproductive system. These.

[Katie]

These.

[Melissa]

These little. A little fleet of tiny ships are headed toward.

[Katie]

They're little white guys, too.

[Melissa]

Yeah. Toward a big Death Star. And, you know, is this a birds

[Aaron]

and the bees conversation? Because, Mom, I know all of this. I went through posse.

[Katie]

Okay.

[Melissa]

About the sperm fertilizing the egg.

[Aaron]

Yeah, I know. Gross. I don't want to talk in front of weird firework, Diane. Sorry, I'm not. I'm not supposed to.

[Katie]

It's my change my name. You got to call me. What? You know, that's my legal name.

[Melissa]

I just wanted to tell you that, basically, there's never been a fleet of Jedi ships or stormtrooper ships heading toward my Death Star, but Diane has. In fact, just like that one Jedi did get in and blow up the Death Star. Same thing happened to Diane's egg.

[Katie]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

I'm a Boba Fett.

[Katie]

Not anymore, hon. Not anymore. But I was. I was. I got ripped up pretty bad.

[Aaron]

Yeah. Okay.

[Melissa]

Anyway.

[Katie]

Well, you know how it's real hard for you to find hats?

[Aaron]

Yeah, classically, I have a really hard time finding hats.

[Katie]

I know. Yeah. Well, that's not a coincidence. It's correlation and causation. Those two things exist.

[Aaron]

Oh, you're eating Twinkies, too? You have the same favorite as me.

[Katie]

Pull them apart. You gotta.

[Melissa]

She pulls me apart, too. Make two little Twinkie bows. Yeah.

[Katie]

Gotta do both.

[Aaron]

Yeah. Wait a minute.

[Melissa]

And look, you. You both have a dimple in your chin. Look at that.

[Katie]

Mine's from getting hit with a golf club.

[Melissa]

That's true.

[Katie]

That's not necessarily how evolution works. The genetics. But that's how strong it was.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Katie]

Babe. I'm your mom.

[Melissa]

That's your mom.

[Katie]

I'm your mom.

[Melissa]

That's her. She's your mom.

[Katie]

I couldn't. And your friend. I guess you're her friend now. I don't know.

[Aaron]

Yeah.

[Katie]

What?

[Melissa]

We call you My friends Forever. You were chosen family and weird firework.

[Aaron]

Diane's my mom. His dad. My dad.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

I'm still your dad. I'm still your dad.

[Holly]

See? It's just been sitting there the whole time.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Just. Just nodding. Just nodding the entire time. Star Wars. Yes.

[Holly]

Genius. Two things real quick. One. I never realized sperm and stormtroopers are both little white guys.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Holly]

And then also. I really like the idea. I've never heard before. Log or little boats. Like you want your Twinkies. Little boats or log. I think that's phenomenal.

[Melissa]

It's so fun to pull them apart. And then you get the feeling like you got to eat two instead of one.

[Holly]

Yes.

[Melissa]

And all the frosting is out. And so you get to. But you know what was driving me crazy? What are those stormtrooper ships called with the flat sides that. What are those called? TIE fighters.

[Holly]

Oh.

[Melissa]

TIE fighters.

[Katie]

Everyone hears. Had sex.

[Aaron]

Look at all these improvisers. TIE fighters.

[Katie]

TIE fighters. It's a TIE fighter. Yeah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

I hate how when you're having sex and you're about to land the killing blow and then the Millennium Falcon swoops in there and then takes it from you. It's like God every time.

[Katie]

Been there.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Here's your next riddle. What is black when new? Red when in use and gray when discarded.

[Katie]

Oh. When new.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

When new. It is black. It is red when it is in use. And it is gray when discarded.

[Aaron]

Hmm. Did we get a hint?

[Holly]

Charcoal.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

It's charcoal.

[Katie]

Charcoal.

[Melissa]

Stud.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Just like charcoal. Much like charcoal. The man is on fire.

[Melissa]

Man.

[Aaron]

That's all right. Give us another one. My brain's turning on.

[Katie]

We're warming up today. Yeah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Yeah. That one. Okay. Here's another one. This will help warm the rest of your brain completely over. My first is half of anything. My second is in itself complete and so remains until my first and second meet. What am I?

[Holly]

Is that describing the word or the object?

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

My first.

[Katie]

Say it again.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

My first is half of anything. My second is in itself complete and so remains until my first and second meet. What am I? It's kind of describing the word. No. I guess it's more describing the Thing. It's more describing the thing than it is describing the word.

[Melissa]

Is it something like the moon?

[Katie]

I gotta be honest with you. You know when they look into Homer Simpson's brain, and it's just like a panda with symbols in black and white.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Sure.

[Katie]

That's what's going on right now, gang.

[Aaron]

But the symbols are in your brain. Homer Simpson brain. And it's like that.

[Katie]

Yeah, exactly.

[Aaron]

It's a turducken.

[Katie]

It's a turducken of unoriginal comedy thoughts. Which is basically all I am at this point.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Yeah, I'm more Simpsons quote than person.

[Holly]

You don't win friends with salad.

[Katie]

Exactly. Is it like a word?

[Aaron]

It's not the word thing, right?

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

No, no. So my first is half of anything. It's not like half of anything is in. Like, you split that. No, it's describing a word that means half of anything, basically. It's a tough way to put it.

[Holly]

50%.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Not 50%. This is a compound word. I would say the answer to this. So it's like my first is half of anything. My second is in itself complete. That's its own full word. Part

[Aaron]

wedge.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

No, I'm trying to think of. I'm honestly trying to think of a clue to give you. And I'm like, I've got Homer Simpson symbol brain. Trying to think of what clue could get you to this.

[Aaron]

I'm thinking of Katie thinking of Homer thinking.

[Holly]

Just to kind of clear out the cobwebs. What's everyone's favorite Simpsons quote? Just to get it out there.

[Katie]

The one that I say the most.

[Holly]

Yeah.

[Katie]

Well, it has changed now that it's the world cup. So now it's Arriaga, Bariaga, Arriaga ii, Arugula, and Soza. But it's the one I say the most. Is nuts to this. I'm going to the movies.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

The one that sticks with me the most is. I believe it's Chief Wiggum. And I probably will butcher it. Cause I'm not good at exact words, But I think snake is, like, escaping. And he goes, I'd rather watch a thousand guilty men run away than chase after them. I love that.

[Aaron]

That's awesome.

[Holly]

Mine used to be the where Milhouse's dad is like, I have a race car bed. Do you sleep in a race car? I sleep in a big bed. I do a big bed with my wife. That used to be it. But I think my all time favorite might be Lionel Hut's, where I think Marge is walking. And he goes, if you lived here, you'd be home now. Which I think is just great.

[Melissa]

I think that one all the time.

[Aaron]

The one I quote the most is I'm in danger. I think that lasted since childhood.

[Melissa]

What's mine, Katie?

[Katie]

Can I tell you what I think yours is? And I think it's a recent one. I think it's. And here come the pretzels.

[Holly]

Oh, at the free pretzel night.

[Katie]

Free pretzel night.

[Aaron]

Here come the pretzels.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

I was trying to think if any of those words you said would land on an answer here, but none of

[Katie]

you mentioned this, so it was a futile exercise.

[Holly]

Well, not quite, Katie, because I used that little exercise to Google the answer and what I found is. What I found is answer not found.

[Aaron]

No,

[Katie]

you stole Holly and I's little.

[Melissa]

Stole our cheek.

[Katie]

So it's a thing that means half.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Yeah. So the second word is in itself complete. You would say that this comes full.

[Holly]

Fully cooked.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Full circle, Aaron, Circle. So circle. So my first half of anything.

[Katie]

Semicircle.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

It's semicircle.

[Aaron]

Yeah.

[Katie]

I love that.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

We did it together and we did it together.

[Aaron]

Move on to the next one before I get mad and I will say

[Katie]

shout out to all those poor people listening to this who knew it right away and just were screaming Wheel of Fortune style at the.

[Aaron]

At their. And shout out to our rich listeners as well. We care about you. Not just the poor ones, the rich ones matter.

[Holly]

And for our middle class listeners, we're

[Katie]

sorry you're disappearing so quickly. It's tough.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Sorry about the price of eggs and gas. Okay, here's your next one. We'll do one more. This will get you fully warmed up, then we'll take a break, you'll cool the fuck off and we'll be absolutely screwed for the second half of the show. I have neither bones nor spine, yet I can carry fire upon my head. What am I?

[Holly]

Prometheus, my dear sir.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Torch is good. Prometheus is even better. I don't think you got it. It is Prometheus. Nope. Okay. It's not match and it's not torch, but let's see. Okay. Aaron. Yes, It's Candle.

[Melissa]

Yeah, Candle.

[Aaron]

Yes. Nice.

[Katie]

That's an odd riddle.

[Melissa]

Uh huh, yeah, that one was to me.

[Katie]

It's like a collection of facts, like. You know what I mean, that I

[Holly]

do want to see a scene. Oh, sorry, sorry, Go ahead. Aaron, did you call for one?

[Aaron]

Yeah, I bet you if you want.

[Holly]

Please go ahead.

[Aaron]

I would like to see a scene. Katie, you are a bed and breakfast owner and it's a very spooky kind of haunted bed and breakfast. And you greet your guests by like kind of old timey candlelight. And we'll have Adol and Holly be two people who are checking in.

[Holly]

Oh, wow.

[Melissa]

Oh, honey, this is wild. I'm already spooked out. I love being scared.

[Holly]

I know. This is. This is so fun. Fitting for October.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Welcome.

[Katie]

Oh, hi.

[Holly]

My champagne flute exploded.

[Katie]

I know. I'm sorry. I will say I have the thing that RFK Jr. Has, so that's why I have the spasmodic diaphragm issue. So I'm not trying to be creepy. Welcome. Thank you.

[Melissa]

We're the Richard Hudson's. It's our honeymoon.

[Katie]

Oh, what a wonderful choice. Breakfast is at midnight.

[Holly]

Oh, no. That's gonna be an adjustment.

[Katie]

Yes, well, so is marriage.

[Melissa]

That's true. Honey, she doesn't have feet. Look at the bottom of her robe.

[Katie]

No. I'm glad you noticed.

[Melissa]

Oh, sorry.

[Katie]

So this is a shoes all off bed at breakfast.

[Melissa]

Oh, okay. Sorry. Here.

[Holly]

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Tracking down.

[Katie]

There's coffee always available, but never the milk you want.

[Melissa]

Oh, no.

[Holly]

Oh, Daphne. Are you going to be okay?

[Katie]

Yeah, Daphne O.

[Holly]

She's sensitive about it.

[Katie]

What's my mother's name?

[Aaron]

Oh, really? Oh, my God.

[Katie]

Gosh, I never met her.

[Holly]

Oh, I'm sorry. Because you died. Or she died.

[Katie]

Oh, you'll find out when you check out on time at 11.

[Holly]

There's probably some wiggle room, right? Like if I call and say, can you push it back?

[Katie]

It depends on if we have more guests. Will you be consummating the marriage tonight?

[Holly]

I guess that depends on midnight breakfast.

[Melissa]

Yeah. Yeah, if we can. I don't want to get too full, you know, I mean.

[Holly]

Right.

[Katie]

I understand. Well, we also have a pool.

[Melissa]

Oh, wonderful.

[Katie]

Yes. It's not chlorinated.

[Melissa]

Oh, it's salt water. Even better. Wonderful. Well, I hear we have a heat wave coming, so that'll be nice.

[Katie]

Yes, but it never gets hot in here.

[Melissa]

Oh, wow. Earwigs came out when she coughed.

[Aaron]

Welcome to the Maplewood bnb. How can I help you guys? Who are you chatting with? Are you on the phone?

[Katie]

Oh.

[Holly]

Oh, we were just. Wait, where'd she go? Daphne. Where'd she.

[Katie]

I met my daughter.

[Holly]

What time is breakfast?

[Aaron]

Breakfast is at midnight. Checkout is 11am on the dot. There's no flexibility. And we do have a saltwater pool. Will you be consummating your marriage here tonight?

[Holly]

I do love a hotel being like. And will you be consummating your marriage?

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Why did the hotel ask us if we'd be consummating our marriage if they didn't do anything special. Like I said.

[Katie]

Yes, I would think it would be to let housekeeping know.

[Aaron]

Yeah, yeah, let the cleaning crew know. Right.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

They'll need to come check the sheets and make sure.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Check the.

[Katie]

Come check the.

[Aaron]

Yeah, check the cum.

[Katie]

Everyone.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Check the cum.

[Katie]

Always leave a tip for your housekeeper when you go. Even if you didn't get housekeeping services, you have to.

[Aaron]

Even if you don't come.

[Katie]

Even if you don't come all over, even if you don't consummate your marriage, you can still. They still appreciate it.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

Well, should we take a break?

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

No, we shall not take a break because we have one more riddle and we're gonna do this riddle. I think this one's gonna be quick.

[Katie]

Okay.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

I can make oil boil. What am I?

[Holly]

Water the letter B.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Speaking of Bs, we will be right back after this quick break.

[Katie]

I have to charge my computer.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

What that did, was it uncharged? Katie's computer completely drained it of life. Brief segment, drained all the battery out. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Hey, everybody, it's jpc and I want to talk to you about Squarespace. It's the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. And if you're anything like me, you think, man, the Internet is a scary place. There's just so much on it. How do I stand out online and do something that really helps people? Well, maybe you want to start a website. Like, should a human being eat cat food if they're really hungry and there's no other food around dot com. Before you can start something like that, you're going to want to use Squarespace. They got Squarespace Domains. Every dream needs a domain. Squarespace Domains makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all inclusive price. No hidden fees or add ons required. And then every Squarespace domain comes with advanced privacy and security included to ensure your domain remains online and protected. Plus, Squarespace provides everything you need to bring more of your dream to life. Whether that means building a website or adding a professional email service, don't wait to claim your name. Invest in your dream domain today. Someone else might beat you to it. Someone else might have that information about whether or not it's good to eat cat food. And then I know what you're thinking. How are people even going to find my good idea about whether I should eat cat food if I'm really hungry? Well, Squarespace has SEO tools so you can get discovered fast. With integrated Squarespace SEO tools, every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions, an auto generated sitemap, and more. So you show up more often on search engines and bring in more of your ideal customers. These are people who are searching for should they eat cat food if they are hungry. So head to squarespace.com riddle for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[Aaron]

Hey guys. Can't talk long. A very crazy week. I've got about 60 seconds to hang out with you guys. I'm really on the go this time of the year.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Okay, we don't have to talk. I just want to kind of spend our minute hanging out, cuddling, if everyone's cool with that.

[Aaron]

Yeah, I'll be the big spoon, as per usual. You know what's been helping me so much this week, guys? Having my Tempo meals. Tempo delivers fresh chef created dietitian approved meals right to your door.

[Holly]

Well, Aaron, sweetie, that's. And let me just snuggle in between here. That's the thing is with Tempo, each meal is perfectly portioned for lunch or dinner and ready in just two minutes. That means real food, real fast without, you know, like sad podcast studio lunch or like drive through regret.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Mm. Plus with 20 new recipes every week made from nutrient rich ingredients, Tempo keeps things exciting and helps you stay consistent with healthy habits. Hey, speaking of keeping things exciting, why don't I be the tiny sharp fork?

[Holly]

Ow.

[Aaron]

Oh. Okay, we'll try it. No matter what your goals, there's a Tempo meal for you. Protein packed meals with up to 30 grams of protein. Calorie conscious and even GLP1 based meals. I love the filet mignon with creamy mushroom sauce. 30 grams of protein. Gorgeous. Makes your home smell nice. Cozy, cozy meal in your belly. Ugh. The best.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Let me get my tiny fork. And that.

[Holly]

Speaking of the best, even busy athletes like Maria Sharapova.

[Katie]

Wow.

[Holly]

Don't say a word, Maria. But thanks for coming.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Dynamite smile.

[Holly]

Even she swears by Tempo for balanced meals that help them stay on top of their wellness goals. Bye Maria. Thanks for stopping by.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

And for a limited time, Tempo is offering my listeners 60% off your first box. Just go to Tempo meals.com riddle that's tempomeals.com riddle for 60% off your first box tempomeals.com riddle rules and restrictions may apply.

[Holly]

Sharapova, you're snuggling us too. Don't say a word.

[Aaron]

Don't say a word. It's really nice to see you.

[Holly]

Don't say anything.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Hey everybody. JPC here. You know, one thing I love about summer is how easy everything feels. The days are a little more relaxed and I find myself reaching for the same comfortable go anywhere pieces again and again. That is why I Love Quince. Quince's 100% European linen pants and shirts are breathable, easy to throw on, and the summer upgrade your rotation needs starting at just $34. I absolutely love their linen shirts. I wear my Quince linen shirts all summer long. They're light, they're breezy. It's the best feeling in the summertime. Plus, their tees are soft enough to live in all day. And the lightweight cotton sweaters are exactly what you want when the summer nights cool down. Everything at quince is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. And they work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen. So you're paying for exceptional quality, not brand markup. And it's not just clothing. Quint's has home goods. They have sheets. They became a trusted favorite from everything from home to travel to everyday essentials. Plus, I played Peter Quince in Midsummer Night's Dream when I was in high school and maybe one time after that. I think I've been in it twice. So make your summer wardrobe easier. Go to quince.com riddle for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N C-E.com riddle for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com riddle actually, guys, I've said Quince so much I'm now remembering I played Bottom the Weaver. I did not play Peter Quince and Midsummer Night's Dream in high school and one other time after that. Played Bottom of the Weaver twice. Yeah, so anyway, I'm at the restaurant, I'm having a nice meal, and then the guy comes up and he taps the mater d or whatever. He taps me on the shoulder and he says, you have to leave the restaurant. I know that. Those aren't real hands. You can't wear fake hands at the restaurant. I know you're the guy who's been coming into the restaurant to steal salt and ketchup in your fake hands and filling your fake prosthetic hands up with salt and ketchup. So I make a big scene. He's roughing me up. Basically, my hand starts leaking salt and ketchup all over the place.

[Holly]

Oh, sorry. I'm getting a call from Rocket Money.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Yeah, no, take it. Yeah, take it, take it.

[Holly]

Unless. Did you.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

No.

[Aaron]

No.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Sounds like an important call.

[Holly]

Oh, my God.

[Aaron]

Guys, I just got the best follow up from Rocket Money. They just canceled one of my subscriptions, and I didn't even have to do it. They did it for me.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

You guys talk about Rocket Money, the personal finance app that helps you find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills so you can grow your savings, Right? Yeah. Yes. I wish I was using Rocke Money. Wouldn't have to steal some ketchup from restaurants.

[Holly]

Oh, that's. Oh, I'm. I didn't realize. I can lend you money.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Yeah, no, I mean, you don't have to do that. I would appreciate it. I mean, it's been tough times.

[Holly]

Yeah, I'm just a little flush right now because Rocket Money, like we said, can track subscriptions and has the ability to cancel unwanted ones within the app. With a few taps saving users over $880 million in canceled subscriptions.

[Aaron]

Ugh.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

That's a lot.

[Holly]

Not that I have 880 million, but let's just say I'm doing pretty well.

[Aaron]

I've been using Rocket Money way before they were even a sponsor of the show. It is so good for my brain. If you're like me and you're a little disorganized. It's all color coded. You can set up budgets for yourself. You can consolidate checking, savings, loans, and investments into a single dashboard to give yourself a clear view of your financial picture so you don't get surprised by anything. There's no little dark corners in your bank account anymore. You know exactly what's going on and exactly where your money's going.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Well, Rocket Money also lets you use automated savings that grow towards goals with adjustable amounts and frequencies for a set it and forget it approach. So if I wanted 100 pounds of ketchup and 100 pounds of salt by tomorrow, all I have to do is, oh, save that much salt and ketchup. Okay.

[Holly]

Excuse me. It's me, the maitre d. I just wanted to confront you and say, let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. [e-mail] Riddle that's RocketMoney.com Riddle RocketMoney.com Riddle

[Aaron]

JBC stole all this ketchup.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Rocket Money. Leave your prosthetic hands at home, because you won't. You're going to have enough salt and ketchup at home that you don't need prosthetic hands at a restaurant. Rocket. Money. Goodness.

[Holly]

That is better. Myself.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

All right, we're back. And we're back with more riddles. Here's your next one. I am a word that means to be by oneself. And if you subtract two letters from me, I still have no company. What am I?

[Aaron]

I know it. But I'm gonna wait.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Oh, Aaron.

[Aaron]

Because I think people can get it.

[Katie]

So it's a loan.

[Holly]

Yes, it's a loan. Take away two letters. Al. If your name is Al, you're probably divorced.

[Melissa]

Maybe.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Was Al the neighbor on Home Improvement? No, that was Al Borland.

[Holly]

Yeah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Yes.

[Holly]

Right.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

No, Al Borlan was the fuck. He was the other guy. He was the. It doesn't make any sense.

[Katie]

So you guys are straight? Is what that conversation answered.

[Holly]

Katie, if I may. Rah, rah, rah, rah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Did the neighbor. Who's the neighbor without a face? That was on a different Tim Allen vehicle.

[Holly]

Was that still Home Improvement? We're combining two.

[Aaron]

No, that's the volleyball from that Tom

[Katie]

Hanks film and the fish song.

[Aaron]

Okay.

[Katie]

I'm also white. That came.

[Aaron]

Sounds like you're a straight guy.

[Melissa]

I know, right?

[Katie]

I always say it's very. It's a binary thing to say, but I'm. It's. It's a. It's a. The world is better that I was. That I'm a female. Because I would be Jay Cutler if I think. If I've been male, I have all those tendencies.

[Melissa]

But the only thing that keeps me

[Aaron]

from it is, you know, that's a T shirt.

[Holly]

That's a goddamn T shirt. I. I do not know if I get. I. Katie got the A answer, right? Correct. Alone.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Yeah. Alone. Alone.

[Holly]

But what? Two letters? Oh, one. Oh, my God. Okay. I'm a doof.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

No, Al. I thought owl was a perfectly acceptable answer because most owls that I know.

[Katie]

Yeah, that was a much funnier answer.

[Aaron]

Have you guys watched Alone, the TV show?

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

No.

[Katie]

But I have had people tell me that it is compelling.

[Aaron]

I would give it a watch. You really are alone out there. And it's like a true surviving thing. Yeah.

[Katie]

Because it is like. They won't help you.

[Melissa]

No.

[Katie]

Right.

[Holly]

What's the premise? It's a reality show.

[Aaron]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

You're left alone. And whoever can survive the longest wins all the money. But you're left alone in the Arctic Circle. And you have to. You have nothing. You're allowed to bring eight items. You can have a fishing line, something to make fire with, a knife. It's like that.

[Holly]

Are people dying?

[Aaron]

Well, they lose, like, 80 pounds.

[Katie]

The producer, they will intervene, won't they? If it gets to a certain.

[Melissa]

If you're like. If your body fat gets to a certain thing, they pull you. And people have been like. People have been like, no, but you have to, like, build your shelter.

[Holly]

I do love going on and be like, what? Until I hit 135. Do not pull me till I hit 135.

[Katie]

Wait, 135 is also my goal weight.

[Holly]

That's same.

[Melissa]

Me too.

[Katie]

So funny.

[Aaron]

I'm a bridesmaid next month and I'm wearing a yellow dress, so do not

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

pull me until my wife says if I get down to 135, she'll pull me. And I'm very much looking forward to.

[Aaron]

That alone is super stressful because, I mean, they're all survivalists. Like, they train for it forever.

[Katie]

Oh, so they're not just like me, they're like. They actually.

[Melissa]

This is what they're doing.

[Holly]

It's like a Bear Grylls type.

[Katie]

I see.

[Aaron]

They're passionate about it, but what's stressful is they will not tell you how many people are left in the game. So when you're like 80 days in, they're not telling you you have to outlive or outlive, outlast like five people or one person. So you just. You kind of just have to go for.

[Holly]

And what's the prize?

[Melissa]

It's like, not as much money as you would think. I think it's like 100 grand or something. Maybe 200 grand. It's, like, not what you would think for that.

[Holly]

For that amount of.

[Melissa]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

For 80 days of work. That's. I'm sorry, how much do you guys fucking make? That 200 grand isn't worth 80 days of work.

[Aaron]

That's killing a lot of squirrels. JPC.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

That's two and a half months.

[Aaron]

A lot of dead squirrels.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

My God.

[Holly]

No JPC. They get to eat 100 grand when they're done.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Oh, even better. That's what it was.

[Melissa]

And it's delicious by that point.

[Holly]

One of my favorite things in the world is to watch. I watch every season of Survivor, and one of my favorite things is the food challenge. And I don't know what it is, but it's so satisfying to see them eat after they've been starved for, like, 30 days. Yeah, they'll Obviously it's a lot of sponsorship and bullshit, but to see them bite into, like, an Oreo. An Oreo, yes. And be like, oh, my, this is the best thing. And they're gushing for two minutes and you're like, this is. I don't know. For some reason, it really delights me.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

And you said this season they had Mr. Beast on, and he brought Mr. Beast's Feastables and nobody wanted them.

[Holly]

No, I said they had Mr. Bean

[Aaron]

on Mr. Bean's feast, and he brought

[Melissa]

a bunch of beans, and nobody would eat beans.

[Holly]

And his. To the camera alone footage was unusable.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Well, nobody wants Mr. Bean's beans because he's so goddamn wacky. You can't trust that those beans are like, you know, clean beans.

[Katie]

I know this is not an original thought, as nothing is anymore, but Mr. Beast really has. You know when he smiles, how his. The top part of his face doesn't move. And so it's that uncanny. I think he's one of the scariest people out there. And I know he's listening, but I just.

[Melissa]

And you need to hear this, sir. You do need to hear this.

[Aaron]

Let this be a wake up call.

[Katie]

Why doesn't his upper face move? And it's not like a Botox situation.

[Aaron]

He's a mannequin that made a wish.

[Katie]

Oh, yeah, I think so.

[Aaron]

One of those classic situations. Mannequin made a wish, and now if

[Holly]

he was born a woman, he'd be Kim Cattrall.

[Aaron]

I wish I had been born a woman, because I would love to be Kim Cattrall.

[Katie]

Me too.

[Holly]

Katie, you have created my favorite new party game, which is, if you were born the opposite sex, who would you like? The Jay Cutler thing really belongs to me.

[Katie]

It makes sense, doesn't it?

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Katie]

Cause you're like, oh, wow. Katie is a kind person who can function in the world. But if I had been a man, my parents wanted to name me Sean.

[Aaron]

Oh, yeah.

[Katie]

And so, like, Sean Rich.

[Melissa]

Oof.

[Holly]

Oh, yeah. That's a rough.

[Katie]

I would be. I wouldn't even be a cop. Like, I would have failed that. I'd be like a security guard at the Metro or something.

[Aaron]

You'd be punching holes in walls in Wrigleyville.

[Katie]

Yeah, but not as a job.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

It sounds. It sounds like a way to describe your, like, dirt bag friend. Be like, you know, like, sean just bought a Volvo. It's like he has that money now. He's like, sean Rich. But he's not. Like, he doesn't have money. Like,

[Holly]

and to all The Sean Poors listening.

[Katie]

We support you and Sean middle class. We know you don't exist anymore, man.

[Melissa]

This has kind of got me fucked up because I just did the exercise. I played it at home real quick. And honest to God, the thing that came to my mind when I said, if I was a male, who would I be? And the first thing that came to my mind. No shit. Was Shia LaBeouf.

[Holly]

Whoa, Holly, I think you cleared LaBeouf via.

[Melissa]

You can see that.

[Katie]

I can see that. And here's why. Because Holly is so wonderfully like, everything we call her a walking poem. And everything about her is just. The world is hard for her to bear because she's so sensitive and wonderful and such an artist. And I think if she was a straight white male, she wouldn't know where to put all that. Yeah, I would. So she would get in fights outside Walgreens.

[Melissa]

Yeah, it would be.

[Katie]

You know what I mean?

[Aaron]

Like.

[Katie]

Yeah, yeah.

[Melissa]

I feel like I would be this scrappy little, like. Like I'm picking a fight that doesn't need to be picked or something.

[Katie]

If I was a man, I think Shia LaBeouf is perfect. That's who you would be.

[Holly]

You're a little peanut butter falcon.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

There should be, like, a number on billboards that you could call if you feel like you might be Shia LaBeouf. Like, if you feel like you might be a LaBeouf.

[Aaron]

Yeah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

If you're having LaBeouf esque urges, like, you should call a number and have, like, someone talk to you.

[Aaron]

I could be a funny child actor, but things have gone really off the rail.

[Melissa]

I've labeoufed. I've labeoufed.

[Holly]

I've labeoufed also.

[Katie]

That's not, like, that far away from your name. Holly Laurent. Shia LaBeouf.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very French.

[Katie]

And it's so funny cause Holly is not. Holly's, like, from Elgin. Holly's from, like, a dumpster outside Elgin. So it's like. It's so funny that she has the most beautiful, fancy French name.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Holly]

Very eligent. I thought Elgin rhymed more with Elgin, but it doesn't.

[Melissa]

It didn't. It changed it.

[Holly]

Once you say it, it doesn'.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

I think it's fun how you guys think that you would have. You would be like a celebrity if you were born. You know, if I was born a woman, I feel like I would just be like a woman that we don't know.

[Holly]

Yeah, I'd be like a Marissa Sullivan.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

What's her problem?

[Holly]

From Santa Fe. You just have To. This is an exercise in trust. We all have to just trust.

[Katie]

I would like to hear Marissa Sullivan leaving a voicemail right now for. She got her turquoise jewelry came and it was broken. And she's calling the company.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Okay, here we go.

[Holly]

Okay, this is. I know. Your office hours are now so interesting. You're not picking up. This is Marissa Sullivan again, and I will continue to call until my complaint is resolved. I spoke to Thomas at the Brick and Mortar, and I bought what I was told was a handcrafted turquoise tow ring, a ttr. Now my toe fit perfectly into it until the gout kicked in when I had my two boats of Twinkies. And yes, I'm a boats, not a log. Please call me back. I deserve compensation. I will be talking to a lawyer, my dad, if this is not resolved. Thank you for your time.

[Aaron]

Please leave a message after the beat.

[Holly]

Classic Marissa Sullivan.

[Melissa]

Hey, Marissa. Where's my pot pie?

[Aaron]

Um, I. Can I. This is vulnerable, but the impulse I had first of who I would be if I was a man. And this is. Maybe I need to examine this.

[Katie]

Sure.

[Aaron]

I thought Rivers, Cuomo. Is that the guy the Weezer leads there?

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Yeah, he's the guy from Weezer.

[Katie]

Yeah, I could see that.

[Aaron]

I was like, I would be wearing glasses. I'd be in a band.

[Katie]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

Yep, yep, yeah, yep.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Very weird about women. Very into Japanese women. One leg is shorter than the other.

[Aaron]

Why do you know this?

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

I know a lot of guys.

[Holly]

He's a Weezer head.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

I'm a Weezer head. I love that guy.

[Katie]

I do think that that's interesting. Yes. I think that you would be extremely odd.

[Aaron]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Katie]

And like, the things that. The oddness about you now is actually wonderful and works because of the gender that you identify as.

[Aaron]

Incredible. Katie, I think you have a career in this. I think that you could have a side hustle, really, where people reach out to you and they say, if I was the opposite, who would I be? And then you can sort of walk them through.

[Katie]

Please write in, I will do it. I would love to do it because I think it's really interesting. And, you know, a lot of the. For some people. Here's the scary part. They would be better people.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Oh, yeah.

[Katie]

You know what I mean? Not always. But for some people, it's like, you might want to get in touch with that side of yourself, because.

[Aaron]

Can I think the fact that I think I would be worse gives me a little bit of empathy towards men, because I think a lot of the things that would be bad for me is because of society. I would just feel pressure to.

[Katie]

It would be a destructive. The way that you would express the things that you express now would be in a destructive way.

[Aaron]

Yes.

[Holly]

Yeah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

When my Woke 3.0 agenda hits Congress, I am gonna mandate that it's only 3.0. It's 3.0 for now. Yes. Yeah, we're just on 3.0. I'm gonna mandate that people swap genders at least once in their life. Because I do think that there's, like an empathy building tool in there as well. So, I mean, yeah, I think it's. I changed my name when I was 20, and then I've lived, you know, 17 years with a different name. And it does kind of feel like two separate lives. Like you're living like two separate, you know, people. So I do think some mandatory swaps should be that.

[Katie]

Well, you have to also do a year in a service job.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Yes.

[Holly]

Yes. I love it.

[Melissa]

Definitely.

[Katie]

Wait. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let's stop, stop, stop.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Yeah, no, you're right. Wait. We are saying the same thing.

[Aaron]

Yeah.

[Katie]

The riddle is.

[Holly]

No.

[Melissa]

Well, it's sort of happening on smaller scales. I have several friends on hrt, like, in, like, perimenopause stuff where they're on testosterone for the first time in their life. Females who are now taking testosterone and they're like, like, whoa, I am horny, I am ambitious, and I'm like, dumb.

[Aaron]

Like, duh.

[Katie]

Isn't it wild that we're. That's all we are is just a collection of hormones and what gets released when. And like, that's all it is.

[Melissa]

And I'm hearing these women say, like, it gives me more compassion. I feel like I understand men more, like, having more testosterone in my system.

[Katie]

I've never heard the reverse. We can, like, pump Adolf soy milk and see if.

[Aaron]

See what happens. See how many times he call that place the. There's a really great. This American life from like 20 years ago about testosterone. And there's people who are.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Men are poisoned. Women are venom.

[Aaron]

Is that what it's. That's the book that you wrote using mostly AI that came out this week.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

All right, hold on. Let's do another riddle. Let's do another riddle.

[Melissa]

I want to know who Adel's female. Who is the female adult?

[Katie]

It's Melissa Sullivan.

[Holly]

It's Marissa Sullivan from Santa Fe. But I will say I did think about it, and I didn't want to say it because I'm embarrassed to be like, I'm punching way above my weight class. But my first thought was Geena Davis. Who? I mean, if I could just be one tenth of Geena Davis, I think I'd be thrilled.

[Katie]

Yeah, I gotta think about that one. That's interesting.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

If Adol gets to be.

[Katie]

Why you said that.

[Melissa]

I do too.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

If adult gets to be, I want to be Jennifer Coolidge. That's just who I want to be.

[Aaron]

Yeah, right.

[Katie]

But you're not definitely. This isn't who you want to be. It's who you would be. It's the anima and animus of you. It's not just like. Yeah, I mean, I would like to be. There's a lot of guys I'd like to be. But no, Geena Davis is very interesting to me.

[Aaron]

I could picture you in Stuart Little.

[Melissa]

Aw.

[Aaron]

I could picture you in that movie.

[Melissa]

And League of the Ride. There's a vibe to you.

[Katie]

There's a softness to you that also is a softness to her.

[Melissa]

Her dimples. You are her dimples.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

You are her dimples.

[Holly]

Thank you.

[Katie]

But she's like a next level genius,

[Holly]

and she's a badass, which is why I'm like. I'm not like her, but I think I aspire to be her.

[Katie]

I see it.

[Holly]

So that's why. That's why I was saying.

[Aaron]

Yeah, I see it.

[Melissa]

And she's tall like you, Katie.

[Katie]

She's taller than me.

[Melissa]

How tall is she?

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Wow.

[Katie]

I think she's like a legit six feet. She's taller than me.

[Melissa]

My friend Eric Edelston in Los Angeles just shot a movie with her, and she was supposed to, like. She was supposed to. To kick, like, turn sideways and do one of those kind of like, you know, like karate kicks in his face. And she was supposed to kick, you know, within a foot of his face, but not kick his face. And they set up the shot wrong. And she kicked him directly in the face. And.

[Aaron]

And not many men say they've kicked

[Melissa]

in the face by Gina Davis. And Eric Edelson's wife got the frame and framed it. And it's a picture of him, like, with his, like,

[Holly]

Holly. Not only a fantastic story, I'm also dying to know what this movie is. Geena Davis is throwing out sidekicks.

[Katie]

Look it up.

[Melissa]

Geena Davis, Eric Edelson movie. See what it says?

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Face, kick, face, kick, face plus kick plus movie. I'd get into this machine that changes your gender, and I'd, like, come in and then I'd get popped out as, like, Matt LeBlanc.

[Katie]

And I'd be like, oh, no, what does that mean?

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

The machine didn't work. No, it doesn't not work. It always work. Whatever you are, It's. Hey, man, take it up with the guy who made the machine.

[Katie]

Or girl.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Or girl.

[Katie]

Wow.

[Aaron]

The doctor was the mother, famously, on this show.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

All right, wait, hold on now. We have to do another riddle. This is the show. This is the goddamn show.

[Katie]

I'm sorry, okay?

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

No, I'm sorry.

[Holly]

No, I'm sorry.

[Melissa]

No, I'm sorry.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Apology accepted.

[Katie]

You know what? I'm not sorry. Cause Jay Cutler would not be sorry. He would say, I don't care, and he would be like, this sucks.

[Melissa]

Shia not sorry either. Shy and not sorry.

[Holly]

Georgina Davis would try to beat her sister in the women's baseball.

[Aaron]

The thing that really makes me know it's true. Katie, spiritually, you would be married to that woman from the. What's her name? Kristen.

[Katie]

Although they're now divorced.

[Aaron]

See, but that classic you. You would marry and divorce Kristin Cavalieri for sure. I feel that on every timeline, she's your wife and then not your wife.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

That's like a time traveler's. What's the movie with the time traveler situation? It doesn't matter. Here's your next riddle. I can be quick and then I'm deadly. I am a rock, shell and bone medley. If I was made into a man. Hey, how about that?

[Melissa]

Whoa.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Kind of germane to our whole thing here. I'd make people dream I gather in millions by ocean see and stream what am I?

[Holly]

Sandman.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

It's sands.

[Katie]

Sand.

[Holly]

Maybe the best intro to a song of all time. Where it sounds like he's stalling. Where it's like. Like looking around the room, being like, what am I?

[Katie]

I don't know what to sing about.

[Aaron]

Keep it going. Keep it going.

[Holly]

Someone points to an hourglass Sam. Man.

[Aaron]

He brings me a drink.

[Holly]

Did you say Dr. Yeah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Dream.

[Holly]

Yeah. Yeah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Okay, we'll do another. Here's your next one. Without a bridle or a saddle. Across a thing I ride a straddle and those I ride by help of me though almost blind are made to see what am I?

[Holly]

What the fuck?

[Aaron]

Glasses.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

It's glasses. Eyeglasses.

[Holly]

The version. Like it sits across your nose. Yeah, the nose is the. Yeah, okay. The horsemen in the face.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Adol and Aaron are like, oh, I get it. And both Katie and Holly are just. They look upset.

[Aaron]

No, but that's fair. They're having the correct reaction, I think.

[Katie]

Yeah, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be judgmental.

[Holly]

I do want to see a scene.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Why not?

[Katie]

I don't want to.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Okay.

[Holly]

I'd like to see a scene. Holly, you are at the optometrist getting your eyes checked and new pair of glasses. Jpc. You are the optometrist, and you keep using sort of animal or whatever other type of analogies for glasses and eyesight that just don't kind of necessarily get used a lot in these circumstances.

[Melissa]

How about these? Do you like me in a heavier frame, or should I be in something a little more delicate?

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Well, I mean, honestly, the frame is not as important as the prescription.

[Melissa]

That's right.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

The frame is really a you choice. I can obviously give an opinion, but it's not a medical opinion. But I will say you have wolf's eyes, so a frame like this is. It's gonna draw attention away from those eyes.

[Melissa]

It's so wild that you say that, because I was once in a cacao ceremony, drum circle, ecstatic dance night, where a shaman led us through a mental exercise where he said, an animal is walking up to you. And do you know what was walking up to me? A gray wolf.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Oh, wolf.

[Melissa]

And it looked me in the eyes, and I knew somehow that I was the wolf and the wolf was me. And I know everyone would want to be like a mustang, you know, if you have, you know, some kind of, like, animal side of you. But wild horse, Evidently, I'm a wolf. And you saw that. I feel seen, and I see.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Well, I see lots of eyes. It's kind of a. It's. Well, the part where I know what animal's eyes you have is more of a quirk unique to me. It's not really a professional thing, and it's not.

[Melissa]

You are quirky and you smell of eucalyptus. This office smells fresh. I appreciate that.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

I went through a car wash this morning, and all of my windows, I thought that they were up, but I just got them tinted, so it looks the exact same to me. So that could be the smell that you're seeing.

[Melissa]

So you got car washed?

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

I did, yeah. A little bit. Just on the back.

[Katie]

Wow.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Yeah, it was the back windows, so. But yeah, I mean, obviously. And if I'm being quite honest, you don't need glasses.

[Melissa]

Really?

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

You don't need glasses at all. I really. I almost never say this, but you're familiar with the concept of 2020 vision, right?

[Melissa]

Well, sure.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

You see things that are 20ft away as 20ft away.

[Melissa]

Oh, I did not know that's what it meant, but I like it.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

That's what 2020 vision means. Your vision is more like 1 20.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Yes.

[Katie]

Welcome. To the bed and breakfast. Just so you know, our breakfast is at midnight and our checkout time is at 11am we do have a saltwater pool. And will you be consummating the marriage today?

[Melissa]

Yes. My doctor and I are not married. This is an illicit affair. We've run from the office. We've run from the office because what started as a simple prescription for me to just get some progressive lenses has turned to love.

[Aaron]

You look outside and they hit every telephone pole on the way there. Because she definitely needed glasses.

[Katie]

We are going to have to charge you for that. Yeah. So we will need a credit card for incidentals. And by incidentals, I mean the whole facade of the building.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Yeah, we can use my credit card.

[Melissa]

Well, there is going to be a lot of cum on the sheets, but we're going to leave a big tip.

[Katie]

Thank you.

[Melissa]

A lot of cash.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

And I just say you have mustang eyes.

[Katie]

Oh, my father was a Mustang.

[Aaron]

I love that you said thank you to the come and not the money, too. They need to come in the sheets. Thank you. And we're going to leave money for it. Thank you.

[Katie]

Sometimes a callback works and sometimes it doesn't. And that might be one of the times where it didn't. But, you know, I just. It's. You have to try it. You have to have fun with your goddamns and Katie.

[Holly]

Jim Croce. My father was a Mustang. Jim Croce.

[Katie]

The car.

[Aaron]

The car, by the way, not the horse.

[Katie]

I'd actually like to.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Jay. It was a tough game out there. It was a hard game. How do you feel? You know, sometimes you just have to have fun with your friends out there. Sometimes come backwards.

[Katie]

Also, it's tough to play football when your dick's so big. Usually that's what gets in the way. It's my big dick.

[Melissa]

I'm out of balance.

[Holly]

I love Holly's character at a Shaman Circle and staring out in the wilderness and being like, oh, a gray wolf. And it's just like a stump or something like that. Like, clearly just 120 vision network.

[Aaron]

I would like to see another scene, actually. Is that crazy?

[Katie]

Yeah, please.

[Aaron]

Okay. Katie, you are a woman who wears glasses. Holly, I would love for you to play those glasses, but you're getting a little old. Like, the glasses are not working as well. And Katie, you're gonna kind of let your glasses down gently. That you're gonna have to buy a new pair.

[Melissa]

This slot machine. This slot machine seems a little grimy. Is it me?

[Katie]

It might be you. It might be you. Yeah. But I just wanted to. I wanted to say how much I've appreciated all you've done for me and for the world, really. For my world. Yeah, it's been really helpful. Oh, it's nothing. But you know how sometimes they put things out to pasture.

[Melissa]

Yeah. I mean, it always happens. Yeah. That's what happens to women over 40 in Hollywood. I've read all the articles.

[Katie]

Yeah, read. We've read those articles. And. Yeah. And so let's. Let's think of you as a Julianne Moore type in that. You're very pretty. You're very pretty.

[Aaron]

Yeah.

[Katie]

And you have. You will continue to have a purpose, but it's not going to be the same one that it was.

[Melissa]

We liked her in Big Lebowski.

[Katie]

Loved her.

[Melissa]

We. That was fun. That was fun. She's the one who taught us that if you want to get pregnant, you got to put your knees up after sex.

[Katie]

Yep. Yes, she did teach us that.

[Melissa]

Yeah. You kind of. Kind of make it like your vagina is a Runway and on a cliff's face, and, you know, it kind of has to, like, so that the airplane can shoot right up there and land. Julianne Moore has been in a lot of movies.

[Katie]

A lot of movies. We've seen a lot of movies with her. And I think. I think, you know, the thing about you, what you've always helped me do, is not just see what's in front of me, but see what's going on beyond that, you know? And I think you're gonna really help someone else do that. Do you see what I'm saying?

[Melissa]

Oh, like, I'll become some, like, prop glasses, maybe, that get discarded in a green room, you know, get used in multiple sketch shows for years on end.

[Katie]

And how fun would that be?

[Melissa]

That would be really fun. Until the building sells and it becomes, like, a hotel block. And then, you know, what'll become of me?

[Katie]

Well, here's the thing. You're a collective.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Katie]

You're never alone because you're. You're with. You know, your. Your glasses. You're plural. And so no matter where you go, you will have someone with you, which is, I guess, you. I've never talked to the other glass.

[Melissa]

Yeah, well, the other glass has been mute since Inception.

[Katie]

Remember Inception? Since the movie Inception.

[Melissa]

That was a theme.

[Aaron]

Oh, my God. I had a pair of glasses in a sketch show, and then I was watching another sketch show two years later, and I was like.

[Katie]

Like, are those my glasses?

[Melissa]

Those are my glasses.

[Katie]

It's so purple frame. Yeah.

[Melissa]

It's the fate of every green room.

[Holly]

Y. Holly, your vagina is a Runway John Mayer.

[Melissa]

It's right.

[Katie]

That's a.

[Melissa]

That's an old, deep cut bubble gum tongue.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

That's what John Mayer said.

[Katie]

That's what. Where is he? He's been quiet. He's been too quiet.

[Holly]

He's been really quiet.

[Katie]

I don't love that.

[Holly]

Yeah, yeah, check. He gets quiet, we get nervous.

[Katie]

Yeah, right? Yeah.

[Melissa]

And I know he's listening, but I would rather be Shia LaBeouf than John Mayer.

[Katie]

Yeah, say that.

[Melissa]

And that's.

[Aaron]

I agree.

[Katie]

Gpc. Maybe you. If you. You would be a. You would be Jonah Mayer. Like, what's a Joanna Mayer, Jonah?

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

I go into the machine and it gives me the same gender but a knockoff John Mayer. I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with the machine?

[Katie]

Definitely not the right machine.

[Holly]

Yeah, it does seem like. From the creators of Juana, White Girls like Joanna Mayer, sir.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Sometimes the machine malfunctions if people try to have sex with the machine while they're in the machine. Did you try to have sex with the machine in the machine?

[Aaron]

I left a tip.

[Melissa]

That's all that matters.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Katie and Holly, the podcast is Soccer Moms. You can get it anywhere. You get podcasts, I'm assuming.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Katie]

Every Tuesday, there's a new app.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Very fun, Very cool. So, yeah, please do listen to Soccer Moms. Do you two have anything else that you would like to plug at this time?

[Melissa]

Well, you can follow us at bffsoccermoms on the instalk. And yeah, stay tuned because we have some very fun guests coming up. Y' all three being three of them.

[Katie]

Y' all three being three of them. And please don't forget, I know it's been out for a long time, but it won't hurt to watch Harley Quinn Season 5 now streaming on HBO Max. It definitely won't hurt. It won't hurt anything. And maybe write letters and say things on the Internet about how much you like it.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

That can't hurt. Adol, Aaron, anything for you guys to plug.

[Aaron]

I got nothing.

[Holly]

I got nothing.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Yeah, I got nothing.

[Holly]

Soccer moms and Harley Quinn and Kite Man.

[Katie]

Oh, yeah, Kite Man.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

And the idea. And the idea of hot dogs.

[Aaron]

Oh, God, I hate the soundboard. Just me saying hot dogs.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Starring Aaron Koenig and John Patrick Cohen.

[Holly]

Casey.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Tony did the editing. Hey there, Quartz and Pebbles. If you like that, you're gonna love this week's Patreon. It's another edition of Public Access tv. You can listen to that, plus our entire back [e-mail] Heyrendelreddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your 7 day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

[Aaron]

That was a Headgum Podcast hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[Holly]

Sterling K. Brown and I'm Chris Sullivan

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

and we host the podcast that was Us now on Headgum.

[Katie]

Each episode we're gonna go into a

[Aaron]

deep dive from our show.

[Melissa]

This is us.

[Holly]

That's right.

[Katie]

We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[Holly]

Are we gonna cry?

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Yes, a little bit. Are we gonna laugh a lot? A whole lot.

[Holly]

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday on the under $3 menu at McDonald's. A McChicken is $2, because when you're craving a McChicken, you deserve a McChicken. And now that McChicken is just $2. With McValue limited time only, prices and participation may vary.

[JPC (John Patrick Cohen)]

Prices may be higher for delivery.

[Holly]

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