#421: Jill Listener

Summary

Hey Riddle Riddle #421: Jill Listener (August 12, 2026) — Summary

Episode Overview

This episode brings classic Hey Riddle Riddle energy: comedic improvisation, absurd games, and digressions that highlight the chemistry between Chicago improvisers Adal Rifai, Erin Keefe, and John Patrick Coan (JPC). In person once again and weaving between riff-heavy banter, scenes, and listener-submitted riddles ("Hink Pinks" from a "tired dad"), the episode balances silly improv premises, group in-jokes, and meta-commentary on podcasting and pop culture.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Live In-Person Recording Banter (00:50–04:50)

• Hosts revel in being together physically for the first time in a while, joking about recording remotely due to a "great poking war" rather than COVID.
• Erin: "If I sneeze, you would feel it." (03:10)
• JPC quips about being forced to record remotely as a timeout for Adal's over-affection (03:21).

2. Literary Parodies & Archetypes (04:53–06:40)

• The trio riffs on what "classic literature" their show would be (e.g., "Absolute Jugs Magazine", "Necronomicon," and a trippy "Where the Wild Things Are").
• They discuss literary/romantic tropes:
  • Erin: "In media, I'm an enemies to lovers kind of guy. I love when they don't like each other at first." (05:32)
  • JPC longs for an "enemies to enemies" story, questioning why audiences root for rivals to fall in love (05:43).

3. Jack Reacher & Gendered Protagonists (06:41–08:59)

• JPC’s reading habits and fanfic aspirations for Jack Reacher lead to a gender-trope riff:
  • JPC: "I'm writing a Reacher in his prime. When I write my Reacher, he's old, but he's not that old." (07:55)
  • They coin "Jill Listener" as the female equivalent: over-prepared, giant purse, always ready.
  • Erin draws parallels to "Jessica Fletcher" from Murder, She Wrote: "She's my Jack Reacher." (09:14)

4. The Jack Reacher TV Show & Physicality Crushes (11:00–12:32)

• Erin unexpectedly likes the Reacher TV show’s over-the-top silliness: "I wouldn't mind him picking me up...throwing me over his shoulder." (11:16)
• Group play-acts being "tossed," referencing Lord of the Rings and the Gímli/Legolas dynamic.

5. Wormtongue Fantasies, Popes, & J.D. Vance (12:41–15:52)

• Hypothetical scenarios of being "Wormtongue" (whisper-advisor) to public figures:
  • Erin: "Wormtongue on the Pope. Can that be new merch?" (13:29)
  • Satirical asides at J.D. Vance's charisma, with political disdain mingled with disbelief at his image as a "sex symbol."

6. Podcast Paranoia & Parasociality (16:16–19:34)

• Erin forbids her partner Riley from listening, worried about parasocial knowledge and drained real-life connection:
  • "That's for our listeners...I would rather Riley not be tired of me." (17:09)
• Tangent about celebrity interviews and faux ignorance as power-play.

7. Playing Characters on Podcasts (19:32–20:12)

• Erin insists her show persona is a bit: "I'm actually very intelligent and not accident-prone in real life...Very fancy." (19:34)
• The hosts fantasize about wedding vows and interpretive dance, leading to an impromptu "rap" by Erin, full of goofs. (20:31)

8. Listener Riddle Segment: Hink Pinks from a "Tired Dad" (28:14–38:44)

• Erin introduces riddles by Will Parsons, a "self-described tired dad," with rhyming answers known as "Hink Pinks":
  • E.g. "Frozen treasure" ⇒ "Ice chest" (31:41), "Gangster Crustacean" ⇒ "Lobster mobster" (32:00)
• These riddles ignite improvised mobster lobster scenes and running animal jokes.
• Adal as a mob-lobster boss: "Hey, Shelby, give me a tiny hammer." (33:13)

9. Scenes, Parodies & Parrot Antics (38:08–48:44)

• Improv scenes spinoff from riddles:
  • JPC’s noisy parrot overshares about guests and cheating boyfriends.
  • Ghoul School scene: JPC as a “piss-ghost” mummy; Erin as an under-the-bed monster with a “Karen” mother.
  • Running joke: unwanted birds, old pets living forever ("that is a generational commitment." 42:13).

10. Return to Hink Pinks, Sex Ed & Meta-Merch (51:20–57:20)

• More wordplay riddles ensue:
  • "Fashionable sheep" ⇒ "Glam ram" (52:10)
  • "Piercing crossroads" ⇒ "Puncture juncture" (53:27)
  • "Agreeable ribbing" ⇒ "Pleasing teasing" leads to an improv scene in an 1800s gentlemen's club, plus a long riff on "Hey Riddle Riddle" branded condoms (56:00+).
  • "Yeah, a riddle in every condom...It doesn't show up unless it has cum in it—it's like invisible ink." — Erin (57:12)

11. Poker Scenes, Blushing Tell-Alls, and JPC's Kid Stories (64:05–66:47)

• “Ruddy buddy”—a rare, rhyming answer—leads to stories of friends' poker "tells" and JPC's childhood friend Mike epically failing at Battlestar Galactica (64:21).
• Frequent returns to personal stories and playful status inversions.

12. Final Hink Pinks, Dinosaurs & Outlandish Bits (69:28–73:58)

• Riddles continue, including:
  • "Prepared pasta" ⇒ "Ready spaghetti" (69:52)
  • "Dinosaur kidnapper" ⇒ "Raptor captor" (71:38)
• Improv: Adal as a would-be dino-kidnapper at the Canadian border, Erin as an overly honest guard: "Thank you for your honesty. People lie to me all day..." (73:26)

13. Wrap-Up, More Improv/Jokes, Chicago Improv Shoutout (74:01–75:57)

• Final riddle: "Bosom adventure" — group devolves into breast/condom puns and joke names like "Boobs Rince."
• Erin shouts out the Chicago improv team Sand: "It was so fearless and cool...go out of your way to try to see a show." (75:29)
• Adal plugs "Hello from the Magic Tavern"'s new season.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "In media, I'm an enemies to lovers kind of guy... Nom nom nom." — Erin (05:32)
• "I'm writing Reacher in his prime. When I write my Reacher, he's old, but he's not that old." — JPC (07:55)
• "Jill Listener is awesome. Travels with everything...biggest fucking purse you've ever seen." — Adal (08:54)
• "Wormtongue on the Pope. Can that be new merch?" — Erin (13:29)
• "I'm actually very intelligent and not accident prone in real life...I'm very fancy." — Erin (19:34)
• "A riddle in every condom...it doesn't show up unless it has cum in it—it's like invisible ink." — Erin (57:12)
• "Can we get...a duck with a chocolate glaze?" — Adal (65:36)
• "Her name is Breast Jones and she's being...007 will return in 'Breasts of Fresh Air.'" — JPC (67:23/67:41)
• "That is a generational commitment." (regarding tortoises as pets) — Adal (42:13)
• "It started as a joke and now it's real. To get Lou to sort of go after someone, I've been saying Dracarys." — Erin (43:42)
• "I'm actually a monster haircut." — Erin (47:18)
• "Thank you for your honesty. People lie to me all day..." — Erin as Canadian border guard (73:26)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:50–04:50: In-person banter; physicality jokes
• 05:00–06:40: Lit riffs; romance tropes debate
• 06:41–08:59: Jack Reacher & "Jill Listener"
• 11:00–12:32: Reacher TV & physical attraction talk
• 12:41–15:52: Wormtongue fantasy segment, political riffing
• 16:16–19:34: Podcast parasociality, friends/family listening
• 19:32–20:12: Podcast personas & wedding improvisation
• 28:14–38:44: Hink Pink riddle segment (Will Parsons)
• 38:08–48:44: Parrot scenes; "Ghoul School" improv
• 51:20–57:20: More Hink Pinks; condom riddle riff
• 64:05–66:47: Poker improv/personal tells
• 69:28–73:58: Last riddles, dinosaur scene
• 75:29–76:04: Improv team "Sand" shoutout
• 75:57+ : Final plugs and wrap-up improv

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Overall Tone

A fast-paced juggle of quick-witted, irreverent banter, deep-dive improvisation, and meta-winks to their core audience. The trio’s contrasting comic energies turn the most mundane prompts—riddles, word games, personal trivia—into extended riffs that spiral outward but always land with a sense of ensemble trust and playfulness. The tone is silly, often veering into crude or absurd, but underpinned by genuine creative camaraderie.

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This summary should be comprehensive for anyone who missed the episode, preserving the spirit, running gags, and structure of #421: Jill Listener without spoilers for future episodes.

Transcript

[Erin Keefe]

This is a headgun podcast.

[JPC]

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldfish. He was the cat in of an airplane. He stabbed him with an ice away. And the horses ain't Friday. Okay, you are caller number nine. Caller, tell us your name and what song you want to hear.

[Erin Keefe]

Okay. First time caller, long time listener.

[JPC]

Thank you so much.

[Erin Keefe]

I would love to come on, please, please.

[Adil Rafai]

Ask for it. Ask for it.

[Erin Keefe]

I'm on the. I'm on the phone call.

[JPC]

You're live. What's your name and what song do you want to hear?

[Adil Rafai]

People in the house? Lmfao. Ask for lmfao.

[Erin Keefe]

You know I Love by lmfao.

[JPC]

I'm sorry, can you say that again? Call.

[Erin Keefe]

Um, sorry, give me one second.

[Adil Rafai]

Denise. Are you fucking kidding me? I love that song.

[Erin Keefe]

Whoa.

[JPC]

Let's watch the language.

[Erin Keefe]

I fell in to this for four months to request happy birthday for myself on my birthday because I know no one else.

[JPC]

What do you mean we don't have any other callers? Dale's just. There's not a single other caller we can switch to. It's birthday.

[Adil Rafai]

Didn't you just have a birthday?

[Erin Keefe]

It's today.

[Adil Rafai]

Okay, okay, I got you. Lmfaos.

[JPC]

Please don't let them request that. We just don't. That's the one song we don't have. Caller number nine, you are live on the air.

[Erin Keefe]

I need that name, song listener.

[JPC]

We have established that. I need to know your name now.

[Erin Keefe]

My name is Denise, I think, and I would like to say it's my birthday and I would love to hear

[Adil Rafai]

party anthem or whatever.

[Erin Keefe]

I would love to hear lmf. Laughing my fucking ass off.

[JPC]

Oh, Denise, you are party rock. You said the phrase that pays. Denise, you have just won two tickets to see lmfao's funeral tonight. Denise.

[Adil Rafai]

Oh, my brother.

[JPC]

That's four tickets. That's four tickets, you guys.

[Erin Keefe]

Oh, my God.

[JPC]

Keep saying the phrase that pays. You are going to an uncle and a nephew's funeral tonight.

[Erin Keefe]

Laughing my fucking ass off. Died.

[JPC]

They both died. It was a Don't say murder suicide. Don't say murder suicide. Don't say murder explosion.

[Erin Keefe]

I'm gonna change this radio station to. Hey, Riddler.

[JPC]

Riddle. This is not a radio station. This is your cousin Jeff.

[Adil Rafai]

You know that new funeral you were looking for?

[JPC]

You called me in the hospital because no one else in the family will talk to me.

[Erin Keefe]

Welcome to hey, Riddle. Riddle. I'm Erin Keefe. That's jpc, that's Adil Rafai. Over there, and that's Casey, Tony, who we'll maybe hop on mic. If we beg and beg and beg.

[JPC]

If we beg and plead, and we're all in the same room together, recording live and in person. Isn't that fun?

[Adil Rafai]

That is fun. It feels so weird to just be like, oh, I could touch you both and you shouldn't.

[Erin Keefe]

Okay, if I sneeze, you would feel it.

[JPC]

Or it's back to the computer with you.

[Adil Rafai]

We should say we went to computers. Not because of COVID Because that whole.

[Erin Keefe]

To end the great poking war.

[Adil Rafai]

I have sort of. Doctors say I have Lenny Dise where I love the bunnies and I squeeze them too hard.

[JPC]

Yeah. Timeout was.

[Erin Keefe]

Your friends are a little shorter than you.

[JPC]

Timeout was not effective enough for us anymore. We had to go to computer timeout.

[Adil Rafai]

It was either that or have me look off in the distance, stand behind me and.

[JPC]

Oh, people. Do people think that Aaron really moved to la? Did they not get that? That was a joke, sweetie.

[Adil Rafai]

You thought we were serious.

[Erin Keefe]

Oh, sweetie.

[Adil Rafai]

Oh, sweetie, sweetie.

[Erin Keefe]

If we were a bit of classic literature, what book would we be?

[JPC]

Ooh, Skin Mag, Hustler, Absolute Jug Magazine.

[Adil Rafai]

Absolute Jugs.

[JPC]

Absolute Jugs Magazine.

[Adil Rafai]

So that's like, what the jugs are like.

[Erin Keefe]

Absolut vodka.

[Adil Rafai]

Unrealistic. Like they're like seven foot three. And I'm thinking of absolute vodka.

[JPC]

001% of jugs. This is the platonic ideal of jugs.

[Adil Rafai]

Two G's.

[JPC]

What? Yeah, what. What magazine?

[Adil Rafai]

Slaughterhouse Five.

[JPC]

What magazine or magazine? Yeah, what?

[Adil Rafai]

Necronomicon.

[JPC]

Necronomicon would be a good classic. That's on every. I remember when that popped up on the summer reading list. I was like, oh, wow. Can't wait to get Scholastic book credit for reading the Necronomicon.

[Adil Rafai]

We are probably YA or a children's book.

[JPC]

Oh, yeah.

[Adil Rafai]

Our show, where the Wild Things Are. But, like, if you dropped it in a vat of LSD or something with

[JPC]

that Jugs magazine riff up top.

[Adil Rafai]

You got Jugs in my. Maurice Sendak. You got Marie Sendak in my jugs.

[JPC]

It's so nice to be in person. So you can see Erin on her phone in person.

[Erin Keefe]

I'm looking at books that are.

[JPC]

You're reading a book. Two men just say you're reading a book. Oh, yeah.

[Erin Keefe]

And there are a lot of love triangles, which I don't feel like. Is our vibe necessary?

[JPC]

Not really.

[Erin Keefe]

I wouldn't say we're like Wuthering Heights or Anna Karenina.

[JPC]

No.

[Adil Rafai]

I think we're a little Bit like Anna Karenina.

[Erin Keefe]

Oh, come on, Aaron.

[JPC]

How do you feel about Friends to Lovers as an archetype?

[Erin Keefe]

Well, in real life, it's sort of the only way I do it, but.

[JPC]

That's right.

[Erin Keefe]

In media, I'm an enemies to Lovers kind of guy.

[JPC]

You're an enemies to lovers.

[Erin Keefe]

I love an enemy. Like season two of Bridgerton. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Pacey and Joey and Dawson's Creek. Nom, nom, nom, nom nom. I love it. I love when they don't like each other at first.

[JPC]

I think. I guess I don't really mind an enemies to lovers thing, but I think what I would love to see even more was something that was set up like an enemies to Lovers where they just never. It's just enemies to enemies, like, remain enemies, send help. We'll put them in all these intimate moments together where they have the opportunity. But it's like, no, they hate each other. Let's just let them hate each other. They don't get along.

[Adil Rafai]

Why would they fall in love? They hate each other.

[JPC]

They hate each other. I wasn't fucking with you. They weren't wrong. They know that. They don't like each other. They don't like each other. What do you want? Why are you trying to make this happen, weirdo? I'm reading a book right now where I'm not a big fan of the archetype. And so I'm reading a book right now where I can. That's just where it's going. I can see it going there the whole time. And.

[Erin Keefe]

Friends to lovers or enemies to lovers?

[JPC]

Enemies to lovers. And I'm like, really ready for them to. Fuck. Fucking twist the knife. No, I want them to twist the knife and go the other way that I know they're not gonna do. I know, because, like, so much stuff I feel like is enemies to lovers. Like, that's just like. I think it's very popular right now.

[Adil Rafai]

And is this like, Reacher and Nagle or.

[JPC]

Who's the I. Dude, I'm so mad that I'm done reading reachers.

[Adil Rafai]

You finished it?

[JPC]

I finished them. I'm all done with reachers. Yeah.

[Adil Rafai]

When are you gonna write your fanfic?

[Erin Keefe]

I have. I have.

[Adil Rafai]

You have.

[JPC]

I know it's not done, so. No, I will. It's. It's one of those things where it's like, whenever you're working on a project, I don't even like talking about it until it's, like. Until it's, you know, ready ready for public consumption. But I've got a little bit of it written and it's gonna. There's going to be some rewriting processes. Yeah.

[Adil Rafai]

Okay, well, piece of paper. Philology. Piece of pocket arms like eggs in Saran wrap.

[JPC]

Can I tell you, that's the most exciting part of the entire project. Physical description is the physical description of creature. Yeah, but I'm also doing a.

[Erin Keefe]

If you die before it comes out, we're going to say we found it on your desk and that you wrote it in earnest.

[JPC]

Yes.

[Adil Rafai]

We'll let Brandon Sanderson finish it.

[JPC]

I will say that I have a lot of decisions that I had to make about that Reacher fanfic that I'm writing. And one of the most ones is that I am writing Jack reacher from the 90s. I'm not writing Old Man Jack Reacher, which is what they do now. And it's very weird because he would be like 65 years old and it's like, hey man, this guy's not beating people up. He's 65 years old. I'm writing a reacher in his prime. When I write my Reacher, is old

[Adil Rafai]

Reacher still hooking up with.

[JPC]

Yes.

[Adil Rafai]

Casey.

[JPC]

I can't even get into it because it's not even written by the guy anymore, it's written by his brother. And it's like it's both set in the modern time, but then they kind of back off of anything about Reacher's age. But they'll also be like, reacher doesn't know how to use a cell phone. You're like, you can't at this point. Cell phones have been around for 35 years. You can't not have cell phones, Reacher. You need to know this stuff. So it's a mix. It's a weird mix.

[Adil Rafai]

Aaron, what's the female equivalent of Reacher that scratches that. What's the um.

[Erin Keefe]

Let's see.

[Adil Rafai]

We're like. For guys, it's like a big guy,

[JPC]

Jill Listener, who just.

[Erin Keefe]

What's the name?

[Adil Rafai]

A woman who just wants to. Yeah.

[JPC]

And she asks questions with like, with, you know, you say something to her and she has follow up questions.

[Erin Keefe]

Jill Listener is awesome.

[Adil Rafai]

She travels with everything.

[Erin Keefe]

She's in a monogamous relationship.

[JPC]

The biggest fucking purse you've ever seen on Jill Listener.

[Adil Rafai]

Her arms aren't big.

[Erin Keefe]

Her purse is big. She's got snacks.

[Adil Rafai]

She gets arrested and they're like, Chief, we found 40 forms of ID, 10 pieces of mail.

[Erin Keefe]

She's prepared, I think. What's Angela Landsberg's character in Murder She Wrote?

[Adil Rafai]

I thought her name was like Jessica Murder.

[Erin Keefe]

Yeah, that's her. She's my Jack Reacher.

[JPC]

Jessica Murder, isn't it?

[Adil Rafai]

Jessica something. No, that sounds right. What is her name?

[Erin Keefe]

We watched an episode of this.

[JPC]

No, we didn't.

[Erin Keefe]

Yes, we did.

[Adil Rafai]

We watched. We did?

[JPC]

When? In 2016?

[Adil Rafai]

Five years ago?

[Erin Keefe]

Yeah, pre show.

[JPC]

I don't remember it. I don't remember that at all.

[Erin Keefe]

Well, you don't want me Googling.

[Adil Rafai]

I remember there was, like, a woman jogging.

[JPC]

Aaron said that with the disdain of like. Yeah, I don't want you on your phone.

[Erin Keefe]

Yes, I want. But why can't I Google books? I'll Google it.

[JPC]

I'll go, why can't I just be Googling books here?

[Adil Rafai]

There's like a woman jogging. I remember in the episode we watched. And then there's. I believe there's some sort of murder.

[JPC]

It must have been back when we were doing review crew, when I was just telling you guys I was watching this shit and I.

[Erin Keefe]

You're the worst. Oh, I should have spit out all of the food today like you did with the orange soda.

[Adil Rafai]

Reacherton. Is that anything? Reacherton?

[JPC]

Could Reacherton be anything where they all

[Adil Rafai]

just fight each other for each other's hands?

[Erin Keefe]

Give me four days. Lock me in a room for four days with a typewriter.

[Adil Rafai]

There's an enormous bodybuilder type guy in the 1800s folding someone in half and stuffing them in the back of a horse.

[JPC]

Hey, I'll tell you, the back of a horse, that's the butt you're talking about. A butt.

[Erin Keefe]

Not how I do it.

[Adil Rafai]

I'm sorry, sir. In the 1800s, we say back of a horse.

[Erin Keefe]

Not how I do it.

[Adil Rafai]

Not.

[JPC]

Oh, you say stuff at somebody. The back of a horse. Only one mental image comes to mind, and it ain't pretty.

[Adil Rafai]

Jessica Fletcher. Jessica Fletcher.

[JPC]

Fletcher.

[Adil Rafai]

I was close.

[JPC]

They were close together. Honestly, there was an E in there. Yeah.

[Adil Rafai]

Aaron, what parts of Jack Reacher appeal to your brain and your soul?

[Erin Keefe]

I was actually shocked how much I loved the TV show. It was so over the top and silly and just so for dads to watch that it really made me laugh. But I wouldn't mind him picking me up like a firefighter and throwing me over his shoulder. That part of it appeals to me, I guess.

[JPC]

Yeah. Even if, like, I hate to bother a celebrity, they're just out there living their lives. But if I ever ran into Alan Ritchson, I'd be like, hey, could you pick me up?

[Erin Keefe]

Yeah, I'd want him to. Maybe I'd ask him to maybe scoop me.

[JPC]

I would. I Would say, hey, take a look at that lady over there. She's obviously very sick.

[Adil Rafai]

Could you just.

[Erin Keefe]

Could you. Are you talking about me?

[JPC]

No, I said lady.

[Erin Keefe]

Lady. Okay. All right. But you're not talking about me.

[JPC]

No, no, no, no.

[Adil Rafai]

If I saw him, I'd run out in the middle of the street and go, you need to sleep.

[JPC]

Oh, yeah. I'd push him. I'd push him right in the chest.

[Adil Rafai]

And I'd be like, are you tough

[JPC]

in front of your boys, Bitch.

[Erin Keefe]

I'm a Republican, bitch.

[Adil Rafai]

He'd punch me so hard my eyes change colored and I go, okay, hey, what are we doing?

[JPC]

It's a draw. It's a draw, I guess.

[Erin Keefe]

No, I would do a tie.

[JPC]

Jack Reacher to fight.

[Erin Keefe]

I would have him toss me for sure.

[Adil Rafai]

Would you say it like Gimli?

[Erin Keefe]

Yeah, I'd say, toss me.

[JPC]

Toss me.

[Erin Keefe]

Yeah. Men love when you say stuff like that.

[JPC]

Men love when you say, tell me what your elf eyes see.

[Erin Keefe]

Yeah, they love stuff like that.

[JPC]

You getting hit by Jack Reacher, your eyes changing color, and me saying, adel, tell me what you're adelaides seeing. Men love everything.

[Erin Keefe]

You say nothing and I shall die as one of them.

[Adil Rafai]

Looks like love is back on the menu. See, that's a happy compromise. I feel like.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Erin Keefe]

Yeah.

[JPC]

If you could be a wormtongue for any one person in the world, who would you be? Worm tongue. Because by the way, every time I see that man or every time I watch that movie and wormtongue comes on, I'm like, I know he's a bad guy. I know he's eventually gonna lose. But God, is he having the fucking time of his life.

[Adil Rafai]

He's the best at what he does. Please never say, who would you. Worm tongue Again, but whisper it real slow.

[JPC]

If you never had to take a shower and get in your entire life and you could instead just whisper it to someone's ear. That would be the dream.

[Erin Keefe]

Who do I want to sit next to? Is ultimately what it is.

[JPC]

Yeah. Like. And who would you want to like? Because not only is he getting everything he wants, but he's fucking up someone's life to do it too, right? He's draining Theoden King.

[Adil Rafai]

Yeah.

[JPC]

The Pope. Oh, yeah. Aaron to famously hate the Pope.

[Adil Rafai]

Worm tongue on the Pope. Can that be new merch? Like a bumper sticker? I'd say maybe Malkovich.

[JPC]

I would. Worm tongue. J.D. vance. I would love to see like, J.D. vance drained of all the likes.

[Erin Keefe]

Isn't that kind of a hat on a hat?

[Adil Rafai]

Whatever makes sense.

[Erin Keefe]

Ask him how long he's worked in

[Adil Rafai]

this donut shop, he said 14 years. Say, very good.

[JPC]

A wise choice, my liege.

[Erin Keefe]

I think big tech kind of beat you to the punch to Wormtongue.

[Adil Rafai]

J.D.

[Erin Keefe]

vance. I think there's several very normal kind of guys.

[JPC]

Do a jump and try to make an X with your body. My lord.

[Adil Rafai]

My lord. You are excited. Give a normal scream. Yes, very good, Howard Dean, my lord.

[Erin Keefe]

Show everyone that charisma you're known for. Yes, very good, Mr. Van Lord.

[JPC]

This is just a normal person at work. Carry a sink in as you walk in and then say, let that sink in, my lord. More. You should beg Jeffrey Epstein to let you join the party, my liege.

[Erin Keefe]

They didn't invite you.

[Adil Rafai]

They doubt you, my liege.

[JPC]

They don't believe you're as big of a pedophile as them. You should become a Catholic, my liege. I know you're 35, but as you've married an Indian woman, but become a Catholic and talk about it all the time.

[Adil Rafai]

Little cell, little sir.

[Erin Keefe]

Kill the Pope by me.

[Adil Rafai]

Touch him on the hand. Very good. Much like Dennis Hayspert did in the second season of 24. You have some sort of invisible glove on that infiltrates the bloodstream.

[Erin Keefe]

Be such a bummer that you kill the Pope, Mr. Vance. Very good.

[JPC]

The problem with J.D. vance, and there's only one truly, my big problem with JD Vance is that I'm not scared of him even a little bit. And I know I should be. Like, I know everything that he represents is, like, evil and will end up destroying the world. But like, him as a man, as a person, it's just so hard to take him seriously at all. And I hope it's one of those things where it's like after Trump dies and JD Is like, I'm the heir apparent. Like, there's one week and then all the gas drains out of it, and people are like, no, I'm sorry. Looking at you now, Trump has it. Say what you will about him, he's. He's fucking awful. But, like, he's got that, like, old Queenie New York, like, Riz quoi. He just. He does. And Vance.

[Erin Keefe]

JD Vance is obviously like a sex symbol, and that's really nice.

[JPC]

He's so hot. He's a sex symbol. Yeah.

[Adil Rafai]

He's wearing makeup.

[JPC]

Yeah. I mean, yeah. Look, I don't want to kink shame anybody, but I can't imagine the type of person that finds J.D. vance attractive.

[Adil Rafai]

I don't want to kink shame anyone. Lola mid song.

[Erin Keefe]

Wow, that's awesome.

[Adil Rafai]

Take that, Ray Davies.

[Erin Keefe]

So everybody. Okay, hold on, let me ask. I forbade Riley to listen to Hay Riddle Riddle. He's not allowed to.

[JPC]

What? Why?

[Erin Keefe]

What the fuck? For several different reasons.

[JPC]

Is it because it's too parasocial? Like you don't want him getting a peek into all the things going on inside of your mind that you let you know unfiltered onto the podcast?

[Erin Keefe]

Yeah, that's for our listeners. Do you know what I mean? That's not.

[Adil Rafai]

But also, you use too much dirty language.

[Erin Keefe]

That's true. I don't want him to know, I swear. I have some very sweet friends that listen to the show and I do think that they reach out and talk to me less because. Because of the show, they are getting their fill of time with me and I'm not getting to hang out with them.

[JPC]

Oh, yeah.

[Erin Keefe]

And so. And then also if I see friends, they're like, I already know about that. I already know about that. Like these life events that I'm like, I would rather Riley not be tired of me.

[JPC]

Got it.

[Erin Keefe]

When he sees me, I feel like

[Adil Rafai]

Instagram did that too. Where someone posts a bunch about vacation and then you're just like, well, I know about their vacation.

[JPC]

What else do you do? Yeah, I don't have to. Don't have to talk to them about it. That makes sense.

[Erin Keefe]

But he, before we did our recording, he was like, are you Mr. Riddles today? He guessed four different things for Old Man Puzzles. And I was like, oh, that shows

[JPC]

also that he is interested, but he obviously respects the fact that he's not allowed to listen. Or Riley's a fucking genius where he's like, I listen every week. Obviously I can't let her know I listen every week. So I have to call it like Mr. Puzzles or some shit. So she thinks that move 40 chess on Riley.

[Adil Rafai]

Okay, I've seen. I can't remember who it was. I can't remember if it was years ago watching one episode of Bill Maher or something where it was a host. I don't usually watch because I don't enjoy them, but they had some who's name, like the biggest celebrity you can think of.

[JPC]

Jerry Seinfeld.

[Adil Rafai]

Jerry Seinfeld. So it'd be like he was interviewing Jerry Seinfeld and he's like, so you're. You have that show Seinfeld or what's it. What is like? Boy, you could tell the gears of like, let me fuck up the title of it. Yeah. Just to let you know. Right.

[JPC]

I'm not familiar with.

[Adil Rafai]

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Adil Rafai]

So it could be a genius move. Not in the negative way, but in a way of like, I listen and I love the show, but let me be like, what is it, Mr. Riddle?

[Erin Keefe]

This is a really good point.

[Adil Rafai]

Yeah, yeah.

[JPC]

I'm imagining going home and being like, hey, Mariah, I think I'm going to forbid you from listening to hey, Riddle. Riddle. She'd be like, what?

[Erin Keefe]

Like the forbidding. The Forbidding.

[JPC]

The show that I listened to three episodes of in 2017. That's the one I can't listen to anymore. Oh, no.

[Adil Rafai]

Also, it's just hitting my brain. Did we just say the biggest celebrity on earth that we could think of is Seinfeld?

[Erin Keefe]

Yeah, the GBC said that. I was about to say Tom Cruise, which makes way more sense.

[JPC]

Tom Cruise is interesting. I've never heard of him. What does he do? Where's he from?

[Adil Rafai]

He's a pretty small B movie, I think.

[Erin Keefe]

Mission Impeaceable. Mission Impeachable.

[JPC]

Bigger than Seinfeld.

[Adil Rafai]

Bigger than Seinfeld.

[Erin Keefe]

I think when Riley and I first started seeing each other, he was listening to some episodes. And then that freaked me out because I was like, no, I'm weird on there. I want you to like me. Get out of there.

[JPC]

I'm weird on there. Do you feel like you play a character?

[Erin Keefe]

Yes.

[JPC]

On the show, Aaron?

[Erin Keefe]

Yes. I think I'm actually very intelligent and not accident prone in real life. And this is sort of. This is how I talk in real life. And I'm very fancy, and I am to the things. And here I'm like, oh, my God, I can't get my shit together now.

[Adil Rafai]

Aaron, you have said canonically, if you ever get married, you would wrap your vows.

[Erin Keefe]

Yeah, I will. I'll wrap them in wrapping paper, and then I will unwrap them, and then I will read them. And they will not rhyme.

[JPC]

And they will not rhyme.

[Erin Keefe]

No, I actually. If I do get married, I either have to do my vows in private, or I'm gonna have to ask you guys to turn off your camera. Can everybody please close your eyes?

[Adil Rafai]

Interpretive dance to your vows.

[Erin Keefe]

I actually don't know if you guys can go to my wedding. I think that I would. You. I would immediately have the giggles watching you, like, sit there politely. That's way too fast.

[Adil Rafai]

We'd have to bring recording equipment. It has any content. Do you want to practice it right now?

[Erin Keefe]

My vows?

[Adil Rafai]

Yeah.

[Erin Keefe]

Yeah. Okay, everybody turn off your cameras. Wait, we're in person.

[JPC]

Casey's trying to play the rap beat right now.

[Erin Keefe]

So loud. I never thought I'D object at my own wedding. But wait where I'm just wedding. Hold on. Okay, wait. Bow. Okay, okay, here we go. I'm gonna start reading my vows. I'm gonna start reading them nows. I forget who I'm marrying and I'm burying them with the shovel. I'mma kill them. I'm gon them with these valves. They're going to be way better than yours.

[JPC]

Riley's parents turn to each other like what?

[Erin Keefe]

Turn it up. Turn it off. Enough.

[JPC]

What is he talking about?

[Adil Rafai]

I just wanted to prove that you're not safe even here in person.

[Erin Keefe]

No, I'm not safe anywhere, okay?

[JPC]

I've never felt safe in my entire life. That's my secret. Cap.

[Adil Rafai]

Hey everybody, Adol here. Don't panic. I'm trying not to. The three of us were at the Cook County Pie factory. I'm still here on a self guided tour of course. And JPC and Aaron leaned over a bit too far and fell into the pie vat. So they've been baked into pies. I'm trying to run around eating through the pies to find them. No such luck so far. But I do want to let you know this is stressful, of course, but one of the most stressful things we have to deal with after a busy day of recording riddles is what are we going to have for dinner? JPC of course, always suggests. I've got a bone to pick with you and Aaron's all we should have a bottle of camchata. 45 minutes later, 2/3 of us are baked into pies. This all could have been avoided with Tempo. The meals are already prepared, ready in two minutes and make it a whole lot easier to eat fresh, balanced meals during the week. With over 20 recipes every week made from nutrient rich ingredients, Tempo keeps things exciting and helps you stay consistent with healthy habits. And no matter your goals, there's a Tempo meal for you. Protein packed meals with over 30 grams of protein, fiber, rich calorie, conscious gut Support and even GLP1 smart meals. GLP1, I guess is maybe how you pronounce it. Personally, I've recently had some favorites from Tempo, including the Barbecue pulled pork sweet potato Skillet, the Fiesta Grilled chicken and rice, and the most fun to say, the lean and clean Rotini Bolognese with garlicky broccoli. Yum, yum yum. For a limited time, Tempo is offering our listeners 60% off your first box. Go to tempomeals.com riddle that's Tempo meals.com riddle for 60% off your first box tempomeals.com riddle rules and restrictions may apply. Oh, oh, I bit into a pie. It's Aaron. Oh, nope, that's a blackbird.

[Erin Keefe]

Hmm.

[Adil Rafai]

Maybe Aaron. Oh, it is. Erin, you're free. She just flew out the window. Classic Aaron.

[JPC]

Hey, everybody. JPC here, and I want to tell you about a traumatic experience that I had recently. Now, if you listen to the show, you know I'm a big foodie. I love restaurants. I love restaurateur ing. I love going out to eat. Um, but a lot of times, because of how I am, it's hard to get a group of people to want to dine with me. So I go to a lot of restaurants solo. Now, classically, I like to go to restaurants. I don't like to dress up. I don't like to put on airs. So I do eat at a lot of restaurants wearing a potato sack with armholes cut out and not really leg holes cut out because it's just the bottom of the sack. I guess there is a head hole for me to stick my head out of the sack, if I remember. But recently I was eating in a restaurant and they kicked me out because they didn't like the potato sack that I was wearing. I'm sorry. It's hard for me to talk about this, so I went to Quint's because Quint's is all about fewer, better pieces. Their clothes are made with premium materials, built to last, and designed to become the ones you reach for day after day. And they will not scratch you like a potato sack. They will not hurt you like a potato sack. And they, for the most part, do not smell like potatoes. Quint specializes in everyday staples that work harder, like their ultra soft organic cotton tees and premium Mongolian cashmere sweaters. They're versatile, timeless, and transition seamlessly from casual workday to dinner out. I love my Mongolian cashmere sweater that I got at Quint's. I wear it whenever I have the opportunity. I am so excited for fall because I will do fall back into that sweater. Summer's been really hard for me because I have been wearing so many potato sacks and they are scratchy and uncomfortable and you cannot buy them at Quince. Everything at Quint's is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen. So you're paying for high quality, not brand markup. And it's not just clothing. Quince has become my go to for everything from hotel quality bedding and bath essentials to premium cookware and Travel must haves. Now I know I said they have premium cookware. Potato sacks are not cookware. I know it's because you cook and you wear it. But potato sacks are not something you will not find potato sacks at quints do not even look. So upgrade your everyday. Download the Quint's app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com riddle get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com riddle and do not mention that you used to wear potato sacks to anyone ever.

[Erin Keefe]

You guys, I have a real life example about how good Helix sleep is.

[JPC]

Okay Erin, you had me at you had a real life. I am so happy for you.

[Erin Keefe]

My dear friend texted me saying what brand is your mattress again? I love your mattress. And I said it's Helix Sleep baby. I got the midnight Luxe. And then she said can you send me a code? She's about to move and she needs a new mattress and she's about to have a luxurious Helix sleep mattress. I'm very excited for her cause also when I go to Chicago I stay with her. And now I don't have to be too far from a midnight luxe at any given moment.

[JPC]

Aaron, that is money in the bank. Never being too far from a midnight Lux. I have one of those trackers that I got installed like what you put in pets that dings every time I'm close to a midnight Lux so that I could just kind of hop on and have a little sleep.

[Erin Keefe]

Huh.

[JPC]

Helix doesn't sell that guys. That's third party.

[Adil Rafai]

But what Helix does do is they offer free shipping and seamless delivery. Helix delivers your mattress right to your door with free shipping in the US

[JPC]

plus they have 120 night sleep trial and limited lifetime warranty. And the Happy with Helix guarantee you can rest easy with seamless returns and exchanges. And the Happy with Helix guarantee offers a risk free customer first experience designers who ensure that you're completely satisfied with your new mattress.

[Erin Keefe]

Helix is the most awarded mattress brand tested and reviewed by experts like Forbes and Wired. And me, Erin Keefe who loves my Helix sleep mattress mattress.

[JPC]

And right now you can get a Helix sleep mattress just like Aaron's. And I'm doing big air quotes friend. That definitely exists.

[Erin Keefe]

Shelby. Her name's Shelby. She's real.

[JPC]

Sure, I can make up names too.

[Adil Rafai]

Shelby with an angle.

[JPC]

Go to helixsleep.com riddle for the Labor Day early access sale that is 20% off site wide. That's helixsleep.com riddle for the Labor Day early access sale that is running until August 2013th. 20% off site wide. Helixsleep.com Redall Schnelby.

[Adil Rafai]

Ah, it's me, Schnelby.

[JPC]

Schnelby, come to bed. Schnelby.

[Erin Keefe]

Just Schnelby with an n. I have some warm up riddles.

[JPC]

Okay.

[Erin Keefe]

These are from Will Parsons.

[JPC]

Thank you, Will.

[Erin Keefe]

Who is a self described tired dad. So these are some Hank Pinks from a tired dad's brain. And I thought that maybe would speak to you.

[JPC]

Yeah, I have one of those brains. Constantly tired. Constantly.

[Adil Rafai]

Dad, I have one of those brains. Can you milk me? I 100% thought you were gonna say that.

[JPC]

I should have.

[Erin Keefe]

That's a classic tired dad thing to say.

[JPC]

Hey, I got a question for you. Before we get into Will person's riddles or whatever, do you think that that line is going to be in Fokker in Law. What's it called? Focker in Law.

[Adil Rafai]

Falker damn near killed her. I think it will be.

[JPC]

Can someone. Aaron, can you look this up? While you're Googling shit, can you look up.

[Erin Keefe]

I'm not Googling shit. I pulled up riddles.

[Adil Rafai]

I think it will be. I think it will be, but I think it will be Ariana Grande's character. And I think she'll say something akin to that, where she'll be like, I have something like. She'll say something very similar to that. And then De Niro's character will be like, I like her. Yeah, I like her.

[JPC]

Yeah, I saw the preview.

[Erin Keefe]

I'm not familiar with that. Who is that?

[Adil Rafai]

Robert Dinero.

[JPC]

I saw the preview for the new. For the new Focker movie. It feels like it's been 20 years since the last Focker movie.

[Adil Rafai]

It's been a minute.

[JPC]

And it just felt like I was just wondering, like, who's the nostalgia hit of this four? Because I'm like, I think I was the right age when Meet the Parents came out, that I was like, oh, this is a. And Meet the Parents, I think, is a fun movie. It's got some fun gags in it. Yes. But they're like, how do we refresh this thing? We gotta get Ariana Grande in there. We gotta get Ariana Grande in there. It doesn't feel right to me.

[Adil Rafai]

Yes. Yeah. It just feels like. I mean, at this point, I hate to say it, I'd almost prefer a remake. Yeah, just remake it.

[JPC]

Yeah, just remake it.

[Adil Rafai]

Or have it be like Stiller's now the dad and his kids or whatever that is.

[JPC]

Which is kind of what it is. But it's like. It's still. It's still Robert De Niro and it's. Yeah, it seems strange.

[Adil Rafai]

Jason Hoffman and Bette Midler.

[JPC]

Those.

[Adil Rafai]

How are they getting these people?

[JPC]

No, those were in the other one. Right. Because those are his parents, not her parents. The Focker universe. I mean, we really. We got to dig into it one day because it's delightful.

[Erin Keefe]

I want them to start doing, like, timeline shifts, like Avengers. Like, I want the rules of the Focker mutuals.

[Adil Rafai]

But Earth, 30, 45. Yeah.

[JPC]

Thor to show up 45 minutes into Focker In Law and just change now that.

[Erin Keefe]

And the crowd cheers.

[JPC]

Honestly. And it just changes what the movie's about. It's not about family squabbles anymore. That's not important because there's, like, a Kree invasion. And now Thor's just there being like. It's still about them, but they're just like. All they're dealing with is like, Yeah, I guess there's Kree everywhere.

[Adil Rafai]

It's like the Raid. It's Meet the Fockers, but the Snap happened, so half of them were disintegrated.

[JPC]

Yeah. If 50 minutes to Focker In Law, why would it just feed the.

[Erin Keefe]

Someone needs to do that.

[JPC]

Yes. Some video effects house just recut these movies. But the dust De Niro out of it. 15 minutes in. Just let the rest of the movie.

[Adil Rafai]

Stillers holding him like Iron man holds Spider Man. It's like, I don't. I don't want to go.

[JPC]

I don't want to go.

[Erin Keefe]

I love listening to those hey, Riddle Riddle episodes post Snap. Because I'm gone. And it's, like, nice to hear what the dynamic is with just the two of you.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Erin Keefe]

Okay.

[JPC]

Aaron comes back, and we're somehow 30 years older, and we're like.

[Erin Keefe]

And I look incredible.

[Adil Rafai]

Erin, you're still in high school.

[JPC]

How did that happen?

[Erin Keefe]

These are from Will Parsons. These are Hank Pinks. These are Warm Ups. And here we go.

[JPC]

Okay.

[Adil Rafai]

Hell, yeah.

[Erin Keefe]

Frozen treasure.

[JPC]

I have frozen treasure.

[Adil Rafai]

Greg, Ice chest. No, these are rhyming Frozen treasure. Hink Pink.

[JPC]

Frozen treasure.

[Adil Rafai]

Ice. Ice cold gold.

[Erin Keefe]

Ice cold ice.

[JPC]

These are my favorite type of pretzels.

[Erin Keefe]

Crustacean. Gangster.

[Adil Rafai]

Crab.

[JPC]

Crab. Rabbi. Aaron. Aaron.

[Adil Rafai]

You gotta get married by a crab eye.

[Erin Keefe]

Okay.

[JPC]

Life moves sideways.

[Adil Rafai]

If you can find one.

[Erin Keefe]

Life move sideways is awesome.

[Adil Rafai]

Crab.

[Erin Keefe]

Gangster Crustacean.

[Adil Rafai]

Gangster Crustacean. Lobster. Lobster.

[Erin Keefe]

Yes. I would like to Say, Cristian, please be quiet. You are a lobster in one of those tanks at, like, the grocery store or a restaurant, and you're like a mob boss, and you're throwing your weight around the tank.

[Adil Rafai]

What do we got? Who we got left? Who we got left? Oh, Timmy tiny legs. Hey, Timmy, tiny legs. Come here, come here, come here.

[JPC]

Come on, boss, we all got tiny legs.

[Adil Rafai]

We barely need them. But you got much smaller. You got much smaller legs. Timmy tiny legs. Hey, you got my. You got my money?

[JPC]

You mean just hand dollars?

[Adil Rafai]

Yeah, my sand dollars. And don't forget, the vig was 15%.

[JPC]

15%? I can't crack a sand dollar. I got tiny legs.

[Adil Rafai]

Oh, it's a shame. I'm gonna have to break these tiny legs. Hey, here we go. Hey, Shelby, give me. Give me a tiny hammer.

[Erin Keefe]

Yeah, okay, I'll get you a tiny hammer. Are you gonna do it to make this lobster sleep with the fishes?

[Adil Rafai]

Well, no. He's gonna awake with the humans on

[Erin Keefe]

a plate in a row.

[Adil Rafai]

I bet that's right.

[JPC]

How are you banging a waitress here?

[Erin Keefe]

I'll be back with that Hammond, boss.

[Adil Rafai]

Thank you, toots. She puts her butt in the water, I smack it.

[Erin Keefe]

Oh, a pinch. I love that kind of thing.

[JPC]

How'd you teach you how to speak crab, boss? She speaks crap like I never heard no humans speak crab before.

[Adil Rafai]

Would it blow your mind to know she. She did before she met me?

[JPC]

Oh, boss, that's. That's a red flag. That means you're not the first crab she's been with.

[Adil Rafai]

What?

[JPC]

That means you're not the first crab she's been with.

[Adil Rafai]

Oh, no.

[Erin Keefe]

Oh, baby. I got a boiling pot of water just for you. Just say the word, and I'll put him in it. And then I'll listen to him scream,

[Adil Rafai]

Shelby, I met you through my dad. You and my dad never.

[Erin Keefe]

Oh, the more powerful lobster before you. We never what?

[Adil Rafai]

Never. You know, you and him never rolled in the wet hay. Slam in the wet hay.

[Erin Keefe]

Listen, when you're a woman like me, you're attracted to the most powerful lobster in the room.

[Adil Rafai]

Yeah.

[Erin Keefe]

Human men are bad and getting worse. Take what you can get. A lobster that can pinch. Yeah.

[JPC]

Shelby girl, you have to set me up with one of these lobsters from your work. There are no good men left in New York City.

[Erin Keefe]

You're telling me about it. They're fully eating lobsters.

[Adil Rafai]

Scene. Cracking and sucking lobster while talking about them.

[Erin Keefe]

Oh, brother. Call us hbo. We have no good ideas. Verbose.

[JPC]

If that showed up on HBO like a show that was just that in, like, three years, what would we even do? We'd have no recourse. We'd be like, yeah, yeah, I guess

[Adil Rafai]

I text everyone I know and go, you gotta watch this.

[Erin Keefe]

I would be a fan. It would be hard. It would be a hard thing to swallow, but I would be a fan.

[JPC]

Yeah, I would.

[Adil Rafai]

It's like when the rehearsal showed up on hbo. That's hbo, right?

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Adil Rafai]

Where I was just like, this is the weirdest, most fun thing I've ever seen. And I was just like, everyone needs to watch this. I don't know what it is or how to describe it, but everyone should watch this.

[Erin Keefe]

Oh, it's so good.

[JPC]

I thought you were saying that, like, we had done something on the show that was like the rehearsal. And I'm like, I don't think we have. Did we do a scene that was the rehearsal.

[Adil Rafai]

But the rehearsal, the chair company, like, all those shows were just like, I don't know what this is, but I'm on board for it.

[JPC]

Yeah. Women dating lobsters.

[Adil Rafai]

You've done a lot of scenes as pilots. Like the second season.

[JPC]

We have done a lot of scenes as pilots.

[Adil Rafai]

Pilots, Santa. We have a. We have a type of.

[JPC]

If there was any way that we had done a scene that was something like what happens in episode six of Sugar season one, I would be.

[Erin Keefe]

Stop it.

[JPC]

I would be on cloud.

[Erin Keefe]

You are not allowed to talk about it.

[Adil Rafai]

I just briefly want to say I did send. I asked JPC over a text. I said, are you watching the new season of Sugar? And he goes, no, I just watched the first two minutes of the first episode of season two. And I sent him a screenshot from episode five of season two. And it's just Colin Farrell in a tuxedo shrugging. And literally the subtitle, because it's. What he said is, I've never had a cheeseburger. And I'm like, this is where they're at, story wise.

[Erin Keefe]

Yeah.

[JPC]

The fact that, guys, there's a plot point.

[Adil Rafai]

A plot point of Sugar season two is he's never had a cheeseburger.

[JPC]

I did text adult too, because I was starting to watch a little bit of Sugar season two. Aaron and I watched episode two or something, and I was like, holy shit, episode two. What an ending. I'm in on Sugar now. I've only seen two episodes. I only watch it once every three weeks. But when I watch an episode of Sugar, I'm in. I'm in love.

[Erin Keefe]

Absolutely not.

[JPC]

Aaron. Aaron wants no part in us talking about Sugar.

[Erin Keefe]

Men Are bad and getting worse.

[JPC]

But Aaron Sugar's not even a man. I won't say anymore.

[Erin Keefe]

Oh, my God.

[JPC]

I won't say anymore.

[Erin Keefe]

Verbose avian.

[Adil Rafai]

Verbose avian.

[JPC]

Wordy Birdie.

[Adil Rafai]

Wordy Birdie.

[Erin Keefe]

Wordy birdie. Shark. Sharp shooting Force user.

[Adil Rafai]

A Jedi. Sharp eye.

[JPC]

Dead eye. Jedi.

[Erin Keefe]

Jedi. Dead eye.

[JPC]

Jedi.

[Erin Keefe]

Hungry Whittling.

[Adil Rafai]

Not gonna say that, Jeff.

[JPC]

Hungry whittling. Like the thing you do with, like, a starve.

[Adil Rafai]

Carve. Starved carve.

[Erin Keefe]

Yeah. Starving Carving.

[JPC]

Starving carving. Starver Carver.

[Erin Keefe]

Comedic currency.

[Adil Rafai]

Funny money.

[JPC]

Funny money. Wow, that's nice. These are good. They get my brain going. They get the brain juices moving.

[Adil Rafai]

It's like watching Celebrity Jeopardy. Where you're like, I know all these

[Erin Keefe]

answers I'd actually like. I'm gonna go back a few. Is that crazy?

[JPC]

Could I possibly be smarter than Colin Quinn? In my whole life, I've never thought that.

[Erin Keefe]

But today, let's climb back down the ladder of the episode. We're gonna go back to Wordy Birdie. Yeah. And Adol. We're gonna have you play GBC's parrot. And JPC, I'm gonna be a guest at your house, and you are getting annoyed at how much your bird is talking and telling me about you.

[JPC]

Got it? Yeah. So this whole closet is just toiletries. Anything else, like towels, obviously. But if you forgot, like, toothbrush or something, These bins don't.

[Erin Keefe]

There. Thank you so much for letting me stay.

[Adil Rafai]

Cleaned it up before you got here. Scrambled to clean.

[Erin Keefe]

I forgot you had a bird. That is so fun.

[JPC]

Well, it's not really even mine. It's my. Cause they live forever, so. Yeah, when my. When my dad passed, I kind of got his parrot. So it's not.

[Adil Rafai]

He didn't pass. Moved away. Won't talk to him.

[JPC]

That's not.

[Adil Rafai]

That was because of his porn.

[JPC]

That was true for a certain porn.

[Erin Keefe]

Yours or his?

[JPC]

My dad's porn?

[Adil Rafai]

His porn.

[JPC]

It's my porn. Yes, that was true. To a certain time. But he did. He did pass it.

[Erin Keefe]

I'm telling on you.

[JPC]

He is a little bit. Yeah.

[Erin Keefe]

Cherry trees are in here. And then I just would, like, love to take a shower. And then. Yeah. Again, thank you so much for letting me stay at such short notice.

[JPC]

This is honestly your whole situation with Doug. It's so fucked up. But please, and thank you for being

[Erin Keefe]

on my side for that. I just really appreciate everyone sort of turning on Doug making a move.

[Adil Rafai]

He's been waiting, waiting, biding his time. He loves How I Met yout Mother. Feels it similar.

[JPC]

Who doesn't Love How I Met yout Mother, Right?

[Erin Keefe]

You love.

[JPC]

No, that was. Yes, I do.

[Erin Keefe]

Doug loves it.

[JPC]

Doug loves how I met your mother. Every man does.

[Erin Keefe]

Have you talked to Doug? Have you seen Doug?

[JPC]

Oh, I haven't talked to Doug in, like, it must be months that I haven't talked to Doug.

[Adil Rafai]

Earlier today.

[JPC]

So today I did have a call with him. Doug, in person meeting. So. To arrange an in person meeting. Yes.

[Erin Keefe]

So you saw Doug this morning?

[JPC]

I did.

[Erin Keefe]

Is he here?

[JPC]

Doug is not here. Doug just left. Doug left a little bit ago.

[Adil Rafai]

If you ran, you could catch him.

[JPC]

Doug was dropping off some of your stuff that I said. Doug, I think she needs the stuff,

[Erin Keefe]

but I don't think he knows I'm here.

[JPC]

Are you here? No. He does know you're here. Yes. He does know you're here.

[Erin Keefe]

He does know you're here. He's the one that cheated. I don't understand why anyone would take his side. Like, why are we humoring him? Come on.

[JPC]

I'm not humoring him and I'm not taking his side.

[Adil Rafai]

He's a cheater. Laugh the whole time.

[JPC]

He is a comedian. You know this. Doug's still funny. He cheated, but that doesn't make him not funny anymore.

[Erin Keefe]

He's a tale as old as time. Cheating comedian. Yes. Okay. Very cool. Very fun. He's funny. So we. Forget it.

[JPC]

I. I do not forgive Doug. I would never forgive him.

[Adil Rafai]

Literally said, I forgive you.

[JPC]

That was laminated card in context.

[Erin Keefe]

You wrote him a card saying you forgave him.

[JPC]

I was giving out laminated cards as part of my sobriety journey.

[Adil Rafai]

Still drinking.

[JPC]

And I am still drinking. And I wanted. It's a journey, not a destination. My destination is I'm not sober.

[Erin Keefe]

I can't even believe it. Like, if you and Doug are so close, I should get the apartment and he should have to stay here.

[JPC]

Fine, don't stay here. But, like, please, I've set this whole thing up. You at least take a shower here. Cuz, you know, I want you to. I want you to be able to go out clean into the world.

[Adil Rafai]

Like dog in the shower earlier.

[JPC]

So what happened in the shower?

[Erin Keefe]

Awesome.

[Adil Rafai]

The immediate pivot to justify.

[JPC]

To be like, listen, there's so. It's also so funny to be so far into that and not deal with the bird at all. Not try to silence the bird. Just be like. Like, look, I. I can't with this bird. Whatever he says, I'm gonna have to respond to, but I can't. What am I gonna do? Hit a bird?

[Erin Keefe]

It's like the Odd Couple, but a bird. I'm trying.

[JPC]

It is crazy that those parrots live so long.

[Erin Keefe]

Yeah.

[JPC]

I have a. I have a friend who has parents that have a bird, and they have talked about the anxiety of, like, if something. Their parents are older. If their parents die before the bird dies, they're like, I guess I'll have to be a guy who owns a bird, and I don't want to own a bird. And I'm like, yeah, like, they just live forever.

[Adil Rafai]

Like, especially parrots, I think, like, Amazon grays and stuff. I feel like live quite a while. Parrots and, like, tortoises. I'm like, you buy a tortoise, that is. That is a generational commitment. Yeah.

[JPC]

There's also a thing, you know, I don't want to be ageist, but when you see a tortoise.

[Erin Keefe]

Here we go. Here we go.

[JPC]

I will be, and I have to be. I see it all the time walking. There's a guy in my neighborhood, a very old man, who just lets his dog out off leash in front of his house, and his dog is not well trained. And this is an old man with mobility issues. And I just don't understand why he has a dog. I don't understand. Like, in my mind, I'm like, okay, well, maybe someone. He inherited this dog. Maybe he didn't want this dog. Maybe it's just like someone else couldn't take care of it and he had a house or something. But the dog comes at my dog. Sometimes when we're walking, we have to cross the street.

[Erin Keefe]

I'm playing a montage in my head of how much they mean to each other, him and this dog. I'm having a hard time.

[JPC]

It doesn't feel. It doesn't feel like they mean a lot to each other, but it's just like, I don't. I don't love seeing when a very old person has an animal that they can't take care of. I'm like, it's. It feels like a weird decision to be like, I'm 78. What about a puppy?

[Adil Rafai]

Yeah.

[JPC]

I'm like, are you sure you got

[Adil Rafai]

the energy for that, Chief?

[Erin Keefe]

Well, in our ideal world, we'd be walking dogs for the elderly so they can have the animal companionship.

[JPC]

In my ideal world, the dogs. I would be turning the dogs on the elderly. I'd be taking the collar off, and I'd be like, schnell. You know, like, go feast.

[Adil Rafai]

Did you just watch Kick Ass 2?

[Erin Keefe]

You know what I've been doing that. It actually ended Up Working. It's funny. It's a classic dog training stuff. It started as a joke and now it's real. To get Lou to sort of go after someone. I've been saying dracarys, and now she will go and start, like, licking them and go and jump on them, which is the opposite of what I've been training her to do her whole life is to not do that to people. But every once in a while, it's just funny to do that to Riley. If she's near Riley and he'll be like, don't. I'll be like, dracarys.

[JPC]

Sometimes it is funny to teach your dog a thing that you shouldn't teach them. Unfortunately, it can be really funny to do that.

[Adil Rafai]

What's the. Is it Stand By Me Sick balls? Is that. There's some. Oh, yeah, there's some junkyard dog where it's like. Like, we heard that old man Willikers taught him to sic balls or whatever. We don't have to dive into this.

[JPC]

Did you ever see Green Room, the horror film Green Room, the best winning picture?

[Adil Rafai]

No, that's. That's.

[JPC]

I honestly got Green Book and Green Room. Green Book and Green Book so much. You like, talk to people and you're like, oh, my God, Green Room. Green Book was so good. And people like, Green Book was so good. I'm like, yeah, Patrick Stewart, Nazis driving

[Adil Rafai]

a musician around the South.

[JPC]

Green Room is good, but they have, like, scary Nazi dogs that attack people. That's right. Yeah.

[Adil Rafai]

That is a good movie.

[JPC]

Yeah. Green Room. Watch Green Room.

[Erin Keefe]

Right? Comedic currency.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Adil Rafai]

Funny money.

[JPC]

No, we didn't do it. I just got it really fast.

[Erin Keefe]

Monster Academy.

[Adil Rafai]

Well, that's where Monster University, of course, was.

[JPC]

Canonic School.

[Adil Rafai]

Is it Ghoul School?

[Erin Keefe]

Ghoul School.

[Adil Rafai]

I do want to see a scene.

[JPC]

I said bool school, which is nothing.

[Erin Keefe]

It makes no sense.

[Adil Rafai]

I was saying Ghoul School. I'd like to see a scene. Aaron and jpc, this is your freshman. Your first day as a freshman at Ghoul School. And the two of you are moving into your dorms first, kind of meeting each other as roommates.

[Erin Keefe]

Yeah. So anyways, my dad is an under the bed monster and my mom's a Karen. So I really have, like, I think a lot of natural skill.

[JPC]

Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah, that's really cool.

[Erin Keefe]

What's your background?

[JPC]

You know, like, we're.

[Erin Keefe]

What?

[JPC]

We're mummies. We're mummies. Like my family's mummy.

[Adil Rafai]

Piss ghost. He's a piss ghost.

[JPC]

No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Who said that? Who said that?

[Erin Keefe]

This is a bird monster.

[JPC]

That's a bird monster.

[Adil Rafai]

Can't lie, always tells the truth.

[JPC]

So what did I say? Piss ghost. Yeah, so my family's piss ghosts.

[Erin Keefe]

Wait, are you one of those mummies where it's used? It's used toilet paper.

[JPC]

Yeah. So that's. People don't know this, but a lot of mummies is toilet paper in the modern age. It used to be mummies were just like, bandages obviously, but. Yeah. Yeah. So I. I am a mummy, but,

[Erin Keefe]

like, you're a toilet monster.

[JPC]

Well, my toilet monster. Yeah. But that could be, like, kind of the scariest type of monster too. Like, you're the most vulnerable when.

[Erin Keefe]

Man, we're gonna get along great.

[JPC]

Hey, that bird really shut the up, huh?

[Erin Keefe]

I'm gonna be a good roommate or whatever. Yeah, the bird flew away.

[JPC]

Oh, good. Okay.

[Erin Keefe]

Yeah, but I'm. I can't really protect you. Like, at school, you're kind of on your own. I'm probably going to be, like, really popular and to have, like a little monster.

[JPC]

Yeah. So no ghost, but it's just mummy now because kind of a college is an opportunity to reinvent yourself. Right? So it's like.

[Erin Keefe]

Yeah, I can't help with that, though. Like, when you see me around campus, like, I can't acknowledge you for sure.

[Adil Rafai]

We cut to the second day. Whoa, biscuits. You're fucking amazing. You're like a mummy, but with toilet paper. You honestly, me and every sorority on campus and fraternity.

[JPC]

Okay.

[Adil Rafai]

You voted king of the school.

[Erin Keefe]

That's actually my roommate.

[Adil Rafai]

Huh?

[Erin Keefe]

That's my roommate.

[JPC]

Okay.

[Erin Keefe]

I'm. I'm a. I'm a monster haircut.

[Adil Rafai]

Yeah, the badass.

[JPC]

I don't. I don't know this fugly ass monster. Honestly. Looks like. Looks like a under the bed monster. You know what? Honestly. Chug blood. Chug Chug blood. Chug blood.

[Erin Keefe]

Chug where there's no keg. Chug blood. Chug blood.

[JPC]

That bird's gonna show up at every Z I do.

[Adil Rafai]

Huh?

[JPC]

Well, every Z I'm.

[Erin Keefe]

Welcome to Jamba Juice. How can I help you?

[Adil Rafai]

Not a Jamba Juice text.

[Erin Keefe]

Just a trump bird. It's not a Jamba Juice, Obama.

[Adil Rafai]

A lot of people are saying, like you've never seen.

[JPC]

I will.

[Adil Rafai]

In my defense, as JPC was starting his seed, his character was floundering to come up with what he was. And he looked at me and I was like, I think he might be asking for the bird.

[JPC]

I think he might be asking for the Bird.

[Adil Rafai]

So I was like, let me do it once or twice and then immediately back off.

[Erin Keefe]

If he was asking for the bird, he'd go, ah, ah, ah. And put his finger out like a Disney princess. Um, okay.

[JPC]

To a hammer, the whole world looks like a nail. Oh, I know what this guy needs. He needs the bird. My guy can't go without the bird.

[Erin Keefe]

Is that a saying?

[JPC]

Oh, the world. Yeah, yeah.

[Erin Keefe]

Oh, okay.

[Adil Rafai]

And there's cruder versions.

[Erin Keefe]

Let's take a break and then we're gonna come back with some more of Will Parsons, Hank Pinks, and then we're gonna do something else.

[JPC]

Okay.

[Adil Rafai]

Same thing. We're not gonna change.

[JPC]

Hi, I'm Beck Bennett. I thought I was Beck Bennett.

[Erin Keefe]

No, no, no, no. It's all.

[JPC]

You're Kyle Mooney. Yeah, sorry about that. Exactly. No, all good. All good. Thanks, buddy. Yeah. And we host the show what's our podcast here on Headgum. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and make you look like a kick ass person online. Like you're skateboarding through the Internet or you like you're surfing through the web. Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. I like that it's all in one place.

[Adil Rafai]

I don't.

[JPC]

I like that I don't have to go around, you know, like different stores or something. It's just all. It's like, oh, do I need to go to like a. Do I need another type of website to, like, find the right pictures or to like another type of website to upload? You know, it's all in one place. The video or the audio or like. No, I want it makes it easy. Make it easy on me, please.

[Adil Rafai]

Yes.

[JPC]

And you can do all those things. Photos, videos, changing fonts, you know, I mean, the designs are amazing. They're catering to all your different needs. They're SEO tools, which. I know what those are. And their custom domains. Oh, let's come up with a domain right now. Let's see. I wanted for it exactly exists www.friendsmeetingfriends friendsmeetingfriends.com that's an original thing that we came up with. Friends meeting friends. Anyway, so check out squarespace.comedgum for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code HEADGUM. Save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell, sounds easy.

[Erin Keefe]

Anybody could do it RingCentral's AI receptionist uses Voice AI to answer on the first ring so you'll never miss a call again. In just a few minutes, you can personalize your own AI receptionist to answer questions, route calls, schedule appointments, and even send texts in multiple languages. Plus, it's easy to scale. Create unlimited AI receptionists across any phone system. It's all powered by one reliable platform for effortless AI communications. See for yourself at ringcentral.com ringcentral Voice of your business,

[JPC]

take break.

[Erin Keefe]

All right. We are back from break. We drowned that bird in the bath. It took a while.

[JPC]

I kind of do miss the bird. I wasn't asking for it, but maybe now I'm thinking I was.

[Erin Keefe]

All right, I'll reanimate the bird because I need it. Here are more of Will's Hank pinks.

[JPC]

More of these. Goddamn Will.

[Erin Keefe]

And he has his tired dad brain.

[JPC]

Will is using his tired dad brain for something good. I don't believe that I've put my tired dad brain to like a good use yet. Like writing a Hank Pink. I guess I've been writing a Jack Reacher novella. So maybe. Maybe it's all just shades of gray.

[Erin Keefe]

Maybe it's all just shades of gray.

[JPC]

But this is a great use of your dad brain. Thank you. Thank you. Well, well.

[Erin Keefe]

Fashionable sheep.

[JPC]

Fashionable sheep. Coo you.

[Erin Keefe]

Okay, I'll accept it.

[JPC]

Okay.

[Erin Keefe]

That's not correct.

[JPC]

Sounds like cool school. You jam. Ram.

[Erin Keefe]

Close.

[JPC]

Is it fashionable? Glam ram.

[Erin Keefe]

Yeah. Glam ram.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Erin Keefe]

Piercing. Crossroads.

[JPC]

Piercing. Crossroads. Crossroads. Britney Spears.

[Adil Rafai]

Robert Johnson. Piercing. Crossroads. Is that like piercing like a shriek

[Erin Keefe]

or like an earring?

[JPC]

Like a shark. Okay, so prick, Pierced. Stick. What's crossroads? What's another word for crossroads?

[Adil Rafai]

Intersection. But that's a big ass.

[Erin Keefe]

Roar Street.

[JPC]

It's a two syllable.

[Erin Keefe]

Both of them are two syll.

[JPC]

Crossroads. Interception. Crossing. Guy. Can I get a hint on crossroads?

[Erin Keefe]

Like think of when you're. This is a hint for the first word.

[JPC]

Okay, that's not what I asked for.

[Erin Keefe]

I know, but this is the one I can think of.

[JPC]

Okay.

[Erin Keefe]

Think of like medically something sharp.

[Adil Rafai]

Needle.

[Erin Keefe]

But what would you call needle?

[Adil Rafai]

Strudel.

[JPC]

Oh, the freaking jab.

[Erin Keefe]

No, like. Yeah, but like what that. The act. Like, what is that? Shot.

[JPC]

It's a syringe. Vaccine.

[Adil Rafai]

Puncture.

[JPC]

Puncture.

[Adil Rafai]

Puncture. Conjuncture. Puncture.

[JPC]

Juncture. Puncture. Juncture.

[Adil Rafai]

What's your function?

[Erin Keefe]

Yeah, you guys got it.

[JPC]

Puncture, juncture.

[Erin Keefe]

Agreeable. Ribbing.

[JPC]

Agreeable ribbing. Condom flam.

[Erin Keefe]

Condom flandum. Condom flandum.

[Adil Rafai]

What's in this?

[JPC]

I'M eating a what?

[Erin Keefe]

A cooked condom.

[Adil Rafai]

Agreeable.

[JPC]

Have you heard of baked Alaska? It's that, but with a condom. It's baked Alaska.

[Adil Rafai]

Roast. No. Agreeable. Ribbing.

[JPC]

I'd love to tell you about tonight's specials. Tonight's special is a condom. It is flambe. It is absolutely horrible to eat.

[Erin Keefe]

Babe, what do you think? I have a second stomach. I could do dessert or we could walk and get ice cream.

[JPC]

Oh, we have ice cream. Are you familiar with gelato?

[Erin Keefe]

Yes.

[JPC]

Gelato is ice cream with a higher percentage of milk fat. What we have is a wet condom.

[Adil Rafai]

Why describe gelato?

[JPC]

Higher percentage of milk fat.

[Adil Rafai]

You got my mouth ready for gelato.

[Erin Keefe]

Well, since your mouth is ready, can I interest you in a loose, dry condom?

[JPC]

If everyone's done with dinner, it's maybe kind of a. I want to say aperitif. What's the. What's the opposite of aperitif?

[Adil Rafai]

Digestif.

[JPC]

As a digestif, we have an espresso machine and a full espresso bar. I can present to you a long black, which is like an Americano, but with an Americano. It's water on top. And with a long black. It is a wet condom full of espresso beans pushed through a regular Folgers coffee mix called a long black.

[Erin Keefe]

Do you have anything with alcohol, like in a.

[JPC]

Yes, of course. I might have a lot of that.

[Erin Keefe]

Like a Bailey's and coffee or something.

[JPC]

We have a bottle of Dan Aykroyd's Crystal Skull condom that has been triple filtered through a dingy condom.

[Erin Keefe]

Dingy is crazy.

[Adil Rafai]

Isn't that a rubber on a rubber?

[Erin Keefe]

Oh, my God.

[Adil Rafai]

Dan Rakworth's Crystal Skull Vodka. I saw he was like, touring with that and I was like, this is a bit. Surely he's a comedian. And then I was like, oh, no, no, it's.

[JPC]

I mean, it's. I think there is no marker of success more in this world than having a vanity alcohol brand. Sure, that's. There's. I mean, you tell me someone with a vanity alcohol brand that's not successful. No way.

[Erin Keefe]

Dingy condom. New NA beer from JPC coming to shelves near you.

[JPC]

I've had Tom Holland's in a beer. It's called Beero B E R O. And it's very funny because Tom Holland doing like a lot of press for like, the Odyssey, but also, like, shilling his, like, in it. Because you never. You constantly. It's like the rock. You have to constantly be shilling your, like, whatever liquor brand. But it's like, I'm so excited to bring you the Odyssey on the big screen. And then also I have the alcoholic beer that I sell. It's just like what a weird, like shoehorn he made.

[Erin Keefe]

Hay Riddle Riddle brand condoms.

[JPC]

Yes, the condoms that are guaranteed to break. For all the tired dads out there, you're about to be a lot more tired. My bad.

[Adil Rafai]

Hey, Ribble, Ribble, Ribble.

[Erin Keefe]

Come on, Cookie Adol.

[Adil Rafai]

You got it, Andrews. I'm dead.

[Erin Keefe]

Come on, Adel, please.

[Adil Rafai]

Hey, Ribbit breaks my leg on the landing.

[JPC]

Hey, Ribble, ribble. I love it. Yeah, ribbled for your pleasure.

[Adil Rafai]

And there's. It's almost like a pleasure. Oh yeah, it's like the old good humor sticks where it's like when you eat the ice cream bar, there's a joke on there or whatever. There's a riddle on the.

[JPC]

They're rib to the inside here. You think you're wearing the condom inside out, but the ribs feel great.

[Erin Keefe]

Okay. Yeah. So there's a riddle in every condom.

[Adil Rafai]

So when.

[Erin Keefe]

Yeah, but it doesn't show up unless it has come in it. It's like invisible ink. It's like everyone dove away from their mic.

[JPC]

It's like invisible ink.

[Erin Keefe]

All of a sudden I start talking about cum and condoms and I. I'm insane over here. Hey, Aaron, he's been serving us condoms for like 45 minutes. He's the worst waiter I've ever heard.

[Adil Rafai]

Wait, what?

[JPC]

I'm going to get the scientists back at home quarters to like start whipping it up. It's invisible ink, but it only works for cum. We have that.

[Adil Rafai]

We've just never. Technology for years we were just embarrassed to show it.

[JPC]

We never had a use for it until now. I honestly thought, I honestly thought from like, I don't know, like 90s stand up or just like, like 90s 90s 2000s movies that like buying condoms would be like a more embarrassing, you know, it's like, can we get a price check on the condoms? You know, but it's like, you know, every time I've ever purchased condoms, which it's been a while but you know, you just, you go. And then you buy the condoms and

[Adil Rafai]

you know, buddy, I'm sorry.

[JPC]

Yeah, I know.

[Erin Keefe]

I think I've only bought condoms.

[JPC]

It sucks.

[Adil Rafai]

Oh, you're married. That's right.

[Erin Keefe]

Like eight times in my life. And each time I was quite nervous. Yeah, I was like, oh, I'm sorry.

[Adil Rafai]

Because for women, they're like, how are you gonna use this?

[Erin Keefe]

Yeah, they sneeze, they go slut. Whenever you. How are you gonna use this? Are you gonna use it to make your house a home? Make a sandwich thing where you had to.

[JPC]

You had to buy other things with the condoms. You're like, yeah, some of that rope and, like, a knife and they're like.

[Erin Keefe]

And a condom breaker.

[JPC]

Condoms as well, my good man. What are these Condoms? I'll try one of those. And a hostess. One of these Hostess cakes. And a condom.

[Erin Keefe]

No, I go up and I go up to the guy and I go, do these work on super tight pussies. And then I wink with both my hats.

[JPC]

I blink. I blink.

[Erin Keefe]

Oh, fuck. I blink. Fuck. That's why they don't get it. Oh, man. Aw, man.

[JPC]

I'll have a box of your smallest condoms. You know what?

[Erin Keefe]

Double it and give it to the next guy.

[JPC]

And give it to the next guy. Hey, I want to pay it forward.

[Adil Rafai]

So medium size. No, no, two boxes. The smallest.

[JPC]

Two of the smallest and the biggest.

[Erin Keefe]

Your biggest tampon. Smallest condom.

[JPC]

An extra small would be great if you have to stay. Do you guys do dynamic condoms?

[Erin Keefe]

What were we talking about?

[JPC]

Condoms.

[Erin Keefe]

Agreeable ribbing.

[JPC]

Oh, yeah, that's right. Agreeable ribbing.

[Adil Rafai]

Jibe Vibe. Jibe.

[JPC]

Oh, I love that.

[Erin Keefe]

What should this episode be called? Condom condemnation.

[JPC]

Blondom condemnation.

[Adil Rafai]

Kind of fun ribbing. I think of, like, roast or like

[JPC]

a. Yeah, ribbing is like making fun of someone. Making fun.

[Erin Keefe]

You're close. Fun ribbing, but another way of saying cheese. Yeah.

[Adil Rafai]

Oh, what was the first part? Agreeable. Agreeable, please. Tease.

[Erin Keefe]

Pleasing. Teasing.

[JPC]

Pleasing teasing.

[Erin Keefe]

I'd like to see a scene.

[JPC]

I love pleasing teasing. That's fun.

[Erin Keefe]

You guys are, like, at a fancy 1800s gentlemen's club, and you are starting to tease each other, and you're actually finding it quite funny to have someone sort of joke about you.

[JPC]

Oh, my, my, my. Was the pantaloon maker asleep when he made this get up?

[Adil Rafai]

Oh, what is this? You've become quite mischievous.

[JPC]

Oh, yes. I've had two shandies, and so I feel

[Adil Rafai]

carlisle. I do feel like the horse that you rode in today, I feel like that horse had a hide that should stay hidden.

[JPC]

Ride a horse? Rode a donkey. I rode a donkey. Whose parrot is that today? This is. There's a loose parrot was let in here.

[Adil Rafai]

A loose parrot, if you could believe it. Yes. Sounds like the whole something about fucking.

[Erin Keefe]

I'm not the one who said that. He said it with his own voice.

[JPC]

So I did say it. And the pair. It's been very funny, and I wanted to get in on it because it's been kind of riding around roasting people. Which is what gave me, Montgomery, the

[Adil Rafai]

idea to give you a little bit about my pantaloon.

[JPC]

Pantaloon roast, yes. Oh, speaking of, that shirt has so many ruffles, I thought it was made by. By the Frito Lay Corporation. What the fuck am I doing?

[Adil Rafai]

A brand new corporation. A brand new corporation.

[Erin Keefe]

Lyle's not actually rich. He stole an ID card to get in here.

[Adil Rafai]

I.

[JPC]

Yes, I did steal an ID card to get in.

[Adil Rafai]

As a local mortician, that seems a little scandalous, I guess. But also, speaking of scandalous, that cravat, we should drop in a cravat of acid.

[Erin Keefe]

Montgomery is two kids stacked on top of each other.

[Adil Rafai]

We are not.

[Erin Keefe]

Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.

[JPC]

We are not kids.

[Adil Rafai]

Please do not remove our coat.

[Erin Keefe]

What were we fucking talking about?

[JPC]

Condoms.

[Erin Keefe]

Condoms. Come on. Blushing friend.

[JPC]

Blushing friend.

[Adil Rafai]

Shy guy. Shy.

[JPC]

Rosie. Josie, if you have her name. Josie. Yeah, you have to.

[Erin Keefe]

It has a histamine intolerance.

[JPC]

Get red blushing frames. Pal. Pal. No, not pal. Amigo.

[Adil Rafai]

Friend. Bud.

[Erin Keefe]

Oh, you're getting Pal.

[JPC]

Buddy.

[Erin Keefe]

Longer Buddy.

[Adil Rafai]

Buddy.

[JPC]

Oh, my God. I had a Ready Buddy in the 80s. Did anyone else have one of those? The Ready Buddy peanut butter? Yeah, it was the. It was a doll covered in peanut butter. Dogs loved it. Do. You can't get. You could not order a Ready Buddy if you also had a child in the house. A child and a dog.

[Adil Rafai]

Just a mess. Matted hair everywhere.

[JPC]

Ruddy buddy.

[Adil Rafai]

Ruddy's not a word I feel like anyone uses anymore.

[Erin Keefe]

No.

[JPC]

Yeah, I think for good reason. Yeah, it feels good.

[Erin Keefe]

I could not get that one. When I was scrolling through these and, like, testing myself on them before I read them out loud. That one escaped me.

[JPC]

Ruddy buddy.

[Erin Keefe]

Yeah, Ruddy buddy.

[JPC]

That's what. Hold on, I'll have it. That's what. Jon Hamm has a ruddy buddy. Him and Paul Rudd are pretty close friends, I think because they're from Kansas.

[Adil Rafai]

They met each other in college.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Erin Keefe]

As someone who blushes, it is the worst to have your cheeks give you away. I just also have a face that I can't hide anything on. I just. It's very. Everything I'm feeling shows. But I hate blushing. It's the worst.

[JPC]

I'll tell you. I had a friend that I grew up with. His name was Mike. And we used to play this game that. I don't know if we've played it together, but we've definitely both played it. The Battlestar Galactica game. The board game. So in that game in the middle of the game or at the beginning of the game, Cylon cards are dealt out. If you're a Cylon, you're trying to sabotage the whole game. And in the middle of the game, more cards are dealt out. So you could become a Cylon in the middle of the game.

[Adil Rafai]

Like an activated agent.

[JPC]

Yeah. And it's a deceit and bluffing game. We played this game probably 50 times. Mike never got to be a silent. He was always a human. And one time we were playing, we dealt out the loyalty cards. In the second round, Mike looked at his loyalty card, and then he turned bright red.

[Erin Keefe]

Oh, no.

[Adil Rafai]

That sucks.

[JPC]

Red like a thousand suns. And we were all like, mike, that's so sad. We're like, mike, buddy. Buddy, you go in the airlock like we put you in the airlock. And he's like, I'm not. And we're like.

[Adil Rafai]

Like, you've given it all away.

[JPC]

You're dead. You're a robot. You're trying to kill us. We got to put you in the air.

[Adil Rafai]

It's like playing poker with someone who licks their lips when they have a good hand. And it's like, buddy, I felt so bad for.

[JPC]

He just had never had the opportunity. So he had. No. Everyone else had all the time in

[Erin Keefe]

the world to practice good cards.

[Adil Rafai]

Is that what it is?

[JPC]

I want to see a scene. I want to see a scene. Come on. Aaron and Adel, you guys are playing poker. It's like a high stakes, you know, high stakes poker game. But both of you just got dealt delicious hands, and you. You just want to eat your cards.

[Adil Rafai]

All right, blowfield. I raise you 20 grand.

[Erin Keefe]

I raise you.

[Adil Rafai]

I'm thinking about 100 grand. Oh, wait. 100 grand. Chocolate nougat.

[Erin Keefe]

I raise you three musketeers. No. I raise you.

[Adil Rafai]

Oh, my God.

[Erin Keefe]

Can you imagine chocolate cake with like. Like a warm glaze?

[Adil Rafai]

Yes. Oh, like.

[JPC]

Oh, gentlemen, you must. You must actually with your money in this.

[Adil Rafai]

Oh, and you're French. The. We are the people known for the best chocolate.

[Erin Keefe]

Oh, I would love like, a duck. Like a.

[Adil Rafai]

Like a duck. Duck with, like a duck with, like, a chocolate glaze.

[JPC]

I'm just running this game at the table. I'm not awake.

[Adil Rafai]

You're wearing the hat.

[Erin Keefe]

You're wearing the hat.

[JPC]

My nephew gave me this duck chef hat. He told me he wanted me to wear there to work because he misunderstood what I do for work.

[Erin Keefe]

Okay, My cards are good. My cards are my cards.

[Adil Rafai]

My cards are so good. I have a.

[Erin Keefe]

It does a. It cuts them 20 minutes ago when they're smoking a pole outside together. Cuts back.

[Adil Rafai]

I have a queen with a three, which is like a queen with a tray. Like a waiter.

[JPC]

Do not say what columns you have.

[Adil Rafai]

Oh, it's fine. It's a full house.

[JPC]

It's very bad to do in Pokemon.

[Erin Keefe]

What? Why?

[Adil Rafai]

Why? We're all just thinking.

[Erin Keefe]

I have. All of mine are like the royal cards and olives. Olives and a martini. Oh my God, that sounds so good. But they're all hearts and all the royal ones.

[JPC]

Do you want to maybe order Mr. Band a signature martini,

[Erin Keefe]

One of those like Valentine's boxes, box of chocolates and then share.

[Adil Rafai]

Oh, my God. First name of Blofield. Absolutely.

[Erin Keefe]

Oh, I love it. Oh my.

[Adil Rafai]

Can we get and then. Okay, so let's do. And honestly, I think I'm Old fashioned martinis. I'm getting so tired of them because they're so cold.

[JPC]

Please.

[Adil Rafai]

They're so cold.

[JPC]

They're very cold. Yes.

[Erin Keefe]

Maybe like a warm cider with like a whiskey in it.

[JPC]

What was that?

[Adil Rafai]

Remember that high C? That was like slimer. Like the slimer from Ghostbusters where it was like. It was like electro. What was that called?

[Erin Keefe]

Cheesecake. Squeeze it. We're going to go to Cheesecake Factory. Bring that girl that you're seeing. She's got a pussy name.

[Adil Rafai]

What is her name? Double pussy. What is her name? Double O.

[JPC]

Her name is Breast Jones and she's being.

[Adil Rafai]

I was way off. Breast Jones.

[JPC]

Just breasts of fresh air

[Adil Rafai]

007 will

[JPC]

return in Breasts of Fresh Air.

[Adil Rafai]

Ian Fleming phoning it in. I don't know. Breast Mackenzie.

[JPC]

That's a breast.

[Erin Keefe]

To be for success at one of the comedy Bang Bang live shows. I did Will Hines, who's the best. He's so sweet and so funny. He played his noir detective who gets really great acting jobs in order to solve mysteries.

[JPC]

Boobs Rince.

[Erin Keefe]

Boobs Rince is his name, which is such a fucking funny fake name. But anytime one of us said it, he would laugh out loud. He laughed out loud like he forgot the name. Like he would like. So we'd be like pop. Diamonds would be like, so Boobs, what do you think? And he's like,

[JPC]

oh, my goodness.

[Erin Keefe]

Everyone's saying Boobs Rings Delightful.

[JPC]

It seems like what Scott does to Will Hines, which it doesn't seem like he really does to anyone else, is no matter what premise Will Hines brings in, Scott does not let him get to it at all. He'll just like, he'll take. Just make up something else about him and focus on that, like, Will Hines will bring in a premise, but it just. He won't let him do it. He won't let him live in the premise. I don't know where boobs. I can't remember where boobs rinse came from, but it's very much that thing of like, good luck. You know, it's like when one of us calls a scene, we're like, we're basically calling that scene, but it's going to be something else. It's going to be whatever you want to be.

[Erin Keefe]

Before the main live show, Scott completely forgot to tell us the order in which we were all going out. We had no idea who was going when. And I was fully dressed like Criss angel. Backstage panic, trying to set up my magic tricks because I thought I was later in the show, I was first and Will Hines told him a different character that he was doing. And then Will panicked backstage and was like, the fog machine's broken. I'm gonna be something. I'm gonna make it all about the fog. And it was so funny. But Scott was like, will, you gotta

[JPC]

tailor it, Tailor it to the live show experience. Do we have more?

[Erin Keefe]

We do. We have a few more.

[JPC]

Let's do a couple more.

[Erin Keefe]

Prepared pasta. Pasta.

[JPC]

Prepared pasta.

[Adil Rafai]

Pasta. Cooked noodle. Pasta. Penne. This could be Okie Gnoki. Already joking.

[JPC]

Prepared. Prepared pasta.

[Adil Rafai]

Prepared. Served. Plated.

[Erin Keefe]

No. I don't know how you haven't gotten this yet. Jbc

[JPC]

spaghetti. That's ready. Ready. Spaghetti. Spaghetti.

[Erin Keefe]

Dinosaur. Kidnapper.

[JPC]

Dinosaur. Oh, can I tell you something fun that my kid does? So sometimes we'll go out and we'll be like in like a store or something, checking out at a grocery store. And people will ask my kid a question and they without fail always start to tell them about spaghetti, which is our dog, but they'll just pick spaghetti, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they'll be like, oh, spaghetti. And I have to be like, the dogs, the dog's name is spaghetti.

[Adil Rafai]

But I do love like I played with spaghetti today. And I'm like, uh huh.

[JPC]

Or a lot of times they're like, spaghetti burped.

[Adil Rafai]

Yeah.

[JPC]

And it's like, what is that? What the fuck could that possibly mean?

[Adil Rafai]

Is this kid blaming their burps on their food? I guess we all do that.

[Erin Keefe]

Spaghetti burped inside my body and then I just let burp out.

[JPC]

And I'm a passerby in my life.

[Erin Keefe]

Nothing is my fault.

[JPC]

I'm not getting kicked out of this restaurant. That's happening to some other guy.

[Erin Keefe]

That really is Your kid?

[JPC]

Yeah, yeah.

[Erin Keefe]

Just dodging accountability.

[JPC]

Spaghetti.

[Adil Rafai]

Burked Spaghetti on the couch. Okay,

[Erin Keefe]

you know what I think about all the time? Is your kid throwing up and being so confused.

[JPC]

What happened to my grapes and my blueberries?

[Adil Rafai]

Blueberries.

[JPC]

What happened to my grapes and my blueberries?

[Erin Keefe]

Oh, it's so sad. Dinosaur kidnapper.

[Adil Rafai]

Stegosaurus. Get my kid back.

[JPC]

Dinosaur kidnapper.

[Adil Rafai]

T. Rex. Velociraptor.

[Erin Keefe]

When I find you, I will kill you. I have a very particular set of skills.

[Adil Rafai]

It's taken, but it's capital T hyphen.

[JPC]

Is this a specific type of dinosaur?

[Adil Rafai]

Did he not have the right one just then?

[Erin Keefe]

What did you say? I was blacking out.

[Adil Rafai]

I don't know what I said. Velociraptor.

[Erin Keefe]

Oh, that. You're close.

[JPC]

Oh, Raptor.

[Adil Rafai]

Catapult. Raptor Captor.

[Erin Keefe]

I'd like to see a scene.

[JPC]

Okay,

[Erin Keefe]

Adol will have you be a kidnapper.

[Adil Rafai]

Okay. Be careful because raptors are birds.

[Erin Keefe]

Okay, well be very careful.

[Adil Rafai]

It did drown my character.

[Erin Keefe]

You're gonna be a kidnapper. And jpc, you're going to be a dinosaur in the back of a car trying to figure out like if you're being like why, why you're getting.

[Adil Rafai]

Got it.

[JPC]

And I'm a dinosaur cat.

[Erin Keefe]

Yeah. And you're trying to like appeal to his human side. All right, all right.

[Adil Rafai]

Stay down, Stay low, stay low.

[JPC]

Oh, it's hard to do. I'm like six and a half feet tall.

[Adil Rafai]

Yeah, yeah, we all are, buddy. We all are. No, your dad's got money, right?

[JPC]

You're saying you're six and a half feet tall?

[Adil Rafai]

Yeah, sure. Somewhere up there.

[JPC]

Okay. You must slouch.

[Adil Rafai]

Okay, I'm five'11 soaking wet. But listen, your dad's got money, right?

[JPC]

No, I mean, not really.

[Adil Rafai]

No.

[JPC]

I thought he's a dinosaur. What would he need money for?

[Adil Rafai]

I don't know. I thought dinosaurs, you know, wealthy creatures. You've been around for so long.

[JPC]

Wealthy creature. Oh yeah.

[Adil Rafai]

Your bones go for so much.

[JPC]

No, no, I'm a lab grown dinosaur.

[Adil Rafai]

What? Yeah, like a cubic zirconia.

[JPC]

No, that's a real. Right, that's a real rock. It's just not a diamond.

[Adil Rafai]

It's like a lab grow diamond.

[JPC]

Right.

[Erin Keefe]

We're at the checkpoint here in Canada. Canada. If you're gonna cross the border, we're gonna have to look in your car.

[JPC]

Oh.

[Adil Rafai]

Puts on hat and sunglasses. Me and my nephew.

[Erin Keefe]

What are you soaking Wet? Are you 5 11?

[Adil Rafai]

What is this? Yeah, I'd say 6 1.

[Erin Keefe]

But why are you so wet?

[JPC]

Oh, we were just. We were just at a pool. Pool hall.

[Adil Rafai]

You and your nephew, a la Color of Mo.

[Erin Keefe]

Thank you for your honesty. People lie to me all day, every day, and it just starts to wear on us.

[Adil Rafai]

All right, well. Human goodbye.

[JPC]

Human goodbye.

[Erin Keefe]

Human goodbye. Hey, hey. Yeah. Human goodbye.

[Adil Rafai]

We really connected with this guy.

[JPC]

See?

[Erin Keefe]

Thank you for meeting you.

[Adil Rafai]

I love trying to breeze past something and the person's like, you made my day. They're like, finally someone is.

[JPC]

Someone's treating me like a.

[Erin Keefe]

You're gonna break his trust in people forever.

[JPC]

Forever.

[Erin Keefe]

Forever. There's one more from Will, and then we'll call it a day.

[JPC]

Okay, let's do it.

[Erin Keefe]

Will. Bosom Adventure.

[JPC]

Breast Condom.

[Erin Keefe]

All right, that's it. Anything to plug. All right.

[Adil Rafai]

Breast Condom. I know you're.

[Erin Keefe]

Condom.

[Adil Rafai]

Adele has to sing Breast Condom. Can I sit this one out? We signed on for three movies.

[JPC]

We need you to sing Breast Condom out there. I.

[Erin Keefe]

You know what I saw last night that was so good, and I don't know where you can see it, but I'm sure it's somewhere.

[JPC]

A condom for a breast. Titillating.

[Erin Keefe]

That's.

[Adil Rafai]

They brought back condoms.

[JPC]

Can we just spend some time doing that? Just a little?

[Erin Keefe]

You're the one who said we're running out of time. Oh, my God. If we'd started with that, we could have done a whole episode of that. And now it's too late. There's a dead bird in the tub. Horrifying. We've run out of time to do anything fun.

[Adil Rafai]

I'm so Fucking tub too.

[Erin Keefe]

Yeah.

[JPC]

I have to say that was the best condom I've ever had.

[Erin Keefe]

Who are other people who played James Bond?

[Adil Rafai]

Pierce Brosnan, Craig something. Lazenby.

[JPC]

George Lazenby, Timothy Dalton, Roger Moore.

[Adil Rafai]

Soon to be.

[JPC]

We don't know.

[Erin Keefe]

We're breaking the news here on Neighbor the riddle. Oh, you know what I saw last night that was so good is sand the improv team.

[JPC]

Oh, I love sand.

[Erin Keefe]

Mike Brunleib was on the show recently. Yeah, Patreon episode Sand is. And I know that it's just the best improv team and we talk about them all the time and Adol you coach them. But, like, I just. I hadn't seen a sand show in so long and it was so fearless and cool and creative and if you are an improviser in Chicago, I would go out of your way to try to see a show. I think you'd find it very nice. Inspiring. Adol. Anything to plug or promote

[Adil Rafai]

right around now. I think the new season of hello from the Magic Tavern is out. So please check that out.

[Erin Keefe]

And how does it compare to Sugar Season 2?

[Adil Rafai]

I would say that's a bad question.

[JPC]

So unfair.

[Adil Rafai]

Just as many humans featured, if that makes sense.

[Erin Keefe]

And it's a lot about how Chun hasn't had a cheeseburger.

[JPC]

Interesting.

[Erin Keefe]

You should make that a whole season for Chunk.

[Adil Rafai]

It's my season arc. Yeah. Gpc.

[JPC]

Anything to plug or promote a breast condom. Lucky I brought my hot dog chicken penis content.

[Erin Keefe]

I can. I can cut them off. I can cut them off. Hot dogs breast condom.

[JPC]

Chicken penis Conte.

[Erin Keefe]

Ugh. What are you trying to say?

[JPC]

Chicken penis kante.

[Erin Keefe]

That can't be what you're trying to say.

[JPC]

Surely that man didn't say chicken penis Kante. Created by emily cardamus and emily naporus. Hey there, ones and percents. If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. Our buddy Harrison Lott stops by to take you to a billionaire retreat. You can listen to that plus our entire back [e-mail]. hey, Riddle Rock by joining the clue crew for $5 a month. Or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

[Erin Keefe]

That was a Hitgum podcast.

[JPC]

What's up, everybody? I'm Kyle Mooney. And what's up, everybody? I'm Beck Banner. And man. Ooh.

[Erin Keefe]

I got.

[JPC]

We got something to tell you. Oh, yeah, we definitely do. Yes. It's a brand new podcast on Headgum. That's right. And it's called what's our Podcast? Yep. And that's because we don't have a single idea what our podcast should be about. Yeah, we don't. So we actually have guests come on and they tell us what they think our podcast should be about and then we try it. Yep. Guests like Mark Marin, Jack Black, Brittany Broski, Kate Berlan, Bobby Moynihan, Meg Stalter and Tim Balt. LANDON Axler, Joanie McGre and Dender. And Dender. New episodes release every Wednesday day, so subscribe to what's our podcast on YouTube or any of your favorite podcast platforms. Yeah, I'm going to go do it right now.