Patreon Preview #295: Ted 2 Talks

Summary

Podcast Summary: Hey Riddle Riddle - Patreon Preview #295: Ted 2 Talks

Introduction

In the Patreon Preview episode #295 titled "Ted 2 Talks," released on November 1, 2024, the "Hey Riddle Riddle" team from Headgum offers listeners an exclusive glimpse into their creative process and upcoming content. This episode diverges slightly from the typical riddle-solving format, presenting a humorous and improvisational take on a fictional TED Talk delivered by the charismatic Olivia Dubois. The episode is a blend of scripted comedy and interactive banter, showcasing the hosts' improvisational prowess and comedic timing.

Olivia Dubois Takes the Stage

The episode centers around Olivia Dubois, portrayed humorously as a self-proclaimed lifestyle expert renowned for her homeware products and extravagant taste. The sketch begins with Olivia preparing to deliver her TED Talk, encountering various comedic hurdles.

• Opening Chaos (00:03 - 01:39): Olivia's entrance is anything but graceful, marked by a malfunctioning chandelier that shakes and spins ominously. Audience members humorously react to her presence, admiring her product recommendations while subtly teasing her personal life. At [00:28], Olivia remarks, “I always know which fork goes to salad and which fork goes to soup,” highlighting her expertise in homeware with a comedic twist.

The Unraveling Presentation

As Olivia attempts to maintain her composure, her presentation quickly devolves into chaos, revealing her exaggerated flaws and insecurity.

• Question-and-Answer Mishaps (01:23 - 03:48): Olivia engages with the audience through a series of rhetorical questions about social etiquette, such as the appropriate time to arrive at a party ([01:23] “What is the correct time to arrive at a party?”) and tipping customs ([01:42] “How much should you tip when you're getting a haircut?”). Her answers range from "right on time" to absurd suggestions like "no tip at all," delivered with mounting frustration and humorous exasperation.

• Personal Anecdotes and Breakdown (03:01 - 06:54): Olivia's façade begins to crumble as she delves into personal grievances and family drama. At [03:01], she laments about her Manolo Blahniks causing her ankle pain, leading to a series of sarcastic and self-deprecating remarks. The situation escalates when the chandelier ominously crashes down ([06:31] "Chandelier crashes down on her head"), symbolizing her mental breakdown and loss of control.

Humorous Insights and Participant Interactions

Throughout the presentation, Olivia interacts with the audience in a way that blends satire with genuine comedic elements, highlighting the often superficial nature of self-help and lifestyle experts.

• Audience Engagement Fails (05:26 - 07:27): Olivia attempts to answer audience questions, only to receive unhelpful or nonsensical responses, such as, “[05:26] Audience Member 1: A single hand raised.” Her insistence on maintaining professionalism despite the chaos reflects the exaggerated portrayal of a speaker struggling to stay relevant.

• Comedic Climax and Resolution (07:27 - 09:58): The talk reaches its peak as Olivia frantically tries to regain control, leading to more humorous outbursts and physical comedy. At [08:22], after a series of failed attempts to answer questions correctly, Olivia exclaims, “I'm fucked. I'm fucked. Oh, my fuck,” showcasing a perfect comedic breakdown. The episode concludes with Olivia’s final disoriented remarks and the abrupt end of her TED Talk, leaving the audience in laughter and applause.

Conclusion

Patreon Preview #295: "Ted 2 Talks" offers a delightful departure from the usual riddle-centric episodes of "Hey Riddle Riddle." By blending scripted comedy with improvisational elements, the hosts provide an entertaining and insightful look into the world of fictional TED Talks. Olivia Dubois serves as a satirical figure, embodying the quirks and pitfalls of self-proclaimed lifestyle gurus. This episode not only showcases the hosts' comedic talents but also delivers humorous commentary on societal norms and personal insecurities. For fans of "Hey Riddle Riddle" and newcomers alike, this preview promises an engaging and laughter-filled experience.

Notable Quotes

• Olivia Dubois on Punctuality:
  “I know. The correct time to arrive is right on time.” ([01:29])

• Olivia on Tipping Hairdressers:
  “No. No tip at all. They mess up every time you ask for the Rachel, and then they say, who's Rachel?” ([01:45])

• Olivia's Breakdown:
  “I'm fucked. I'm fucked. Oh, my fuck.” ([06:00])

• Final Chaos:
  “Don't take my shoes. My vanilla vlog. Don't take my shoes.” ([09:12])

Final Thoughts

This episode serves as a testament to the creative versatility of the "Hey Riddle Riddle" team, merging humor, satire, and improvisation to deliver a memorable and entertaining preview for Patreon supporters. Whether you're a long-time listener or new to the podcast, "Ted 2 Talks" is sure to leave you amused and eager for more inventive content.

Transcript

[Olivia Dubois]

Look. Ah.

[Audience Member 1]

Look who's at the 8 o'clock slot. It's Olivia Dubois.

[Audience Member 2]

Whoa. They got Dubois. Dubois doing a TED Talk?

[Audience Member 1]

Yes.

[Audience Member 2]

Oh, my God. My wife and I bought our first chandelier based on Olivia Dubois recommendation.

[Audience Member 1]

Same ever since I bought her line of homeware products. I always know which fork goes to salad and which fork goes to soup.

[Audience Member 2]

Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. We have to stay. We have to stay for Dubois. I mean, if I watch her presentation, my wife's out of town all weekend. Not cheating. And it's not a hall pass. She's at her cousin's funeral.

[Audience Member 1]

She's cheating on you.

[Audience Member 2]

No, this is different. And also, even if she is, she still has one.

[Olivia Dubois]

Hold on.

[Audience Member 2]

I did two. One, two, three. I did three. She did two. Or does she do three?

[Audience Member 1]

Who are your hallmarks?

[Audience Member 2]

It's either we're even after this, or I can't remember.

[Olivia Dubois]

The chandelier above them starts to shake.

[Audience Member 2]

What time is it?

[Audience Member 1]

08 8pm sharp.

[Audience Member 2]

It's Dubois time.

[Olivia Dubois]

The chandelier starts to drop from the ceiling and spin. Hello, everyone. I'm Olivia Dubois. Sit up straight. You.

[Audience Member 1]

Me?

[Olivia Dubois]

What is the correct time to arrive at a party?

[Audience Member 1]

Um, 20 minutes late.

[Olivia Dubois]

I know. The correct time to arrive is right on time. Adobo dee da duba do badoo. You over there.

[Audience Member 2]

Me.

[Olivia Dubois]

How much should you tip when you're getting a haircut?

[Audience Member 2]

Uh, 20%.

[Olivia Dubois]

No. No tip at all. They mess up every time you ask for the Rachel, and then they say, who's Rachel? No tip. La da da da da.

[Audience Member 2]

We see. Olivia Dubois has a fucked up haircut.

[Audience Member 1]

And the chandelier just keeps going up and down, up and down and spinning too fast.

[Olivia Dubois]

Uh oh. Uh oh. Uh oh. My nephew Ben. He's in charge of the chandelier. Ben, slow it down and drop it to the ground. Slow. Ben, you over there. If you have to throw up in front of a crowd of people, where should you do it?

[Audience Member 1]

In a bag.

[Olivia Dubois]

What if you don't have a bag?

[Audience Member 1]

In your neighbor's purse.

[Olivia Dubois]

In your neighbor's purse. Is my neighbor Eleanor here? Eleanor, did you make it? I invited you.

[Audience Member 2]

Silence.

[Olivia Dubois]

Oh, Eleanor, I will get you back. I've killed your dog before. I'll kill another one. I'll kill again. Olivia, When I jump off the chandelier. Ha. That was all on purpose.

[Audience Member 1]

And we hear a snap of an ankle.

[Olivia Dubois]

You. You, you, you, me. If you wear an old pair of Manolo blotic shoes and you insist on wearing them, and your husband says, those are the Ones that hurt your ankle, don't they? And then you say, oh, now you're paying attention. Now you're noticing things about me. I got my hair cut last week and you didn't say shit. What if you wear those Manolo Blahniks to your TED Talk and you snap your ankle? What do you do?

[Audience Member 1]

Motorola Bionic.

[Olivia Dubois]

Slaps. My name is Olivia Dubois, and I'm a lifestyle expert. You may know me from my catalog. You may know me from the classes I teach on how to be fancy. You may know me from my chandelier and home line.

[Audience Member 1]

One big applause.

[Olivia Dubois]

Ah, yes. Chandelier, pillows, glassware, fireplaces. We do roofing. We do all sorts of things, but we have one guarantee. It will all be made of crystal. You like crystals, don't you?

[Audience Member 2]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Olivia Dubois]

Now let me ask you this. Am I anyone's hall pass in this room? Is Olivia dupois? Any of yalls hall passes?

[Audience Member 1]

Not a single hand race.

[Audience Member 2]

Not a single hand.

[Audience Member 1]

Not a deafening silence.

[Olivia Dubois]

I'm in my mid-70s. I have a long life. Hey. Hey. Was that a cough? Was that a cough of lust?

[Audience Member 1]

Stands up, leaves big slam at the door.

[Olivia Dubois]

Ah. Well, I bet you're wondering how I got here, huh?

[Audience Member 2]

No.

[Olivia Dubois]

How I got here Today is the same way I got to be one of the most successful businesswomen in the United States of America.

[Audience Member 2]

Oh. Manner of applause. Battery of applause.

[Olivia Dubois]

Ah, yes. And it's by literally walking over the people who helped me get here, I created a human bridge to get into the building. And you know what? I don't feel bad at all.

[Audience Member 1]

She steps over the dead woman who's still on stage.

[Olivia Dubois]

What is this? Who is this? She's prettier than me. Get her out of here. Get her out of here.

[Audience Member 2]

They drag the woman off. They. They do it right. They do EMTs and everything.

[Olivia Dubois]

Wait, she's dead, right? I want who did her haircut. She has the. Rachel. Who's got a question for Olivia Dubois, Huh?

[Audience Member 1]

A single hand raised. The opposite of hands raised.

[Olivia Dubois]

Ah, good question. If you have a cough, what do you do? You, sir, what do you do if you got a cough?

[Audience Member 2]

Mm. Take a lozenge.

[Olivia Dubois]

No, you take a seat.

[Audience Member 1]

He's already sitting.

[Audience Member 2]

He turns to the guy next to him. I do. Take a lozenge. If I have a cough, I do.

[Olivia Dubois]

No, no, no, don't talk. Don't talk. It's my sizzle.

[Audience Member 1]

Olivia Dubois looks up at the clock, and it says, it just turned to 801.

[Olivia Dubois]

Oh, my fuck. Oh, my fuck. Oh, my Fuck. I'm fucked. I'm fucked. Oh, my fuck.

[Audience Member 1]

People, people perking up a little bit now. Oh, okay, some laughs and applause.

[Olivia Dubois]

Fucked. Okay, fork. Okay, well, look at me. Everyone, look at me. Fork, fork, spoon, knife, plate and cup. Fork, Fork, spoon, knife, plate and cup. Fork, fork. No, no, that's not. Wait. Fork, fork, knife. No, fork. No. Fork, fork, plate, spoon, knife.

[Audience Member 1]

Chandelier crashes down on her head.

[Olivia Dubois]

I got other ankles. Fuck you, Ben. Fuck you, Ben. Your mother didn't want you, Ben. Your mother didn't want you, Ben. My stupid sister didn't even want a son. She wanted a dog and her husband suggested having a baby and that's why they're divorced. It's because of you, Ben. It's cuz of you. Fork. Fork.

[Audience Member 2]

No infographic with the correct document. The correct order appears in the projector behind you.

[Olivia Dubois]

Fuck, I fucked it. Okay, little fork, big fork, plate, spoon, knife, cup. How you fold a napkin. Fold it up like this. Everybody look under your chairs. There should be a napkin, pen. Are there napkins? Okay, everybody take off your underwear and fold it. Fold it like a swan. Okay, fine. Fuck me then. I guess 802. 800 fucking 2.

[Audience Member 1]

Nobody wants to fuck you.

[Olivia Dubois]

No, that's not what I'm. No, guess they do. They do. They do. They do. They do. Okay, okay. I got a woman fired from Bloomingdale's this week. Hear me out.

[Audience Member 2]

She was pregnant.

[Olivia Dubois]

Hear me out. She was pregnant, so she was moving too slow and I did them a favor by getting her fired. Okay, you're throwing a party. Okay, what do you serve first? Drinks. No, no, no, that was from earlier. That was from earlier. I already. You answered that question. Drinks or a doves?

[Audience Member 1]

A doves. Like a magician. Doves. I can't understand it.

[Audience Member 2]

Text on the screen behind appears. It just says, aw, doves.

[Audience Member 1]

Aw, doves. Oh, I get it.

[Olivia Dubois]

Oh, no, no. So what's the answer?

[Audience Member 2]

Aw, doves.

[Olivia Dubois]

No, it's drinks. You give your guest a drink first you offer a drink. When you throw a party. You need beer, wine, and then you need a cocktail. A signature cocktail.

[Audience Member 1]

Oh, she just looked at her ankles.

[Olivia Dubois]

A piece of crystal comes out of her mouth. What the hell is this? What is this?

[Audience Member 1]

Huge applause.

[Olivia Dubois]

802.

[Audience Member 2]

Big applause.

[Olivia Dubois]

Ah, okay. Signature cocktails. What's a signature cocktail you can make at your party, sir? You out.

[Audience Member 1]

The Jeff.

[Olivia Dubois]

Yes, the Jeff. What's in the Jeff?

[Audience Member 1]

Me?

[Olivia Dubois]

No, it's a dirty martini. Look at me. Is this a dirty martini? It's a dirty martini. Okay, it is 8:02. Okay, okay, Ben. Call me an Uber. Get me.

[Audience Member 1]

The curtain comes down, but lands directly on top of her head and sort of drapes around her shoulders.

[Olivia Dubois]

Ah, that happened to what's his name, Kid Rock at the Tonys. Ah, it happened to me. I was at that Tony's and I laughed at him. And this is my comeuppance. Ah, okay, okay, okay, okay. Her like leg are sticking out from the bottom like the wicked witch of the East. Ah, don't take my shoes. Don't take my shoes. My vanilla vlog. Don't take my shoes.

[Audience Member 2]

Ladies and gentlemen, please clear the hall. The TED talk is over and we will be right back after a brief intermission.

[Olivia Dubois]

They'll be right back.

[Audience Member 1]

Huh. Did anyone take notes on that one?

[Olivia Dubois]

I did not. That felt so short and so long at the same time.

[Audience Member 1]

Yeah, felt like 100 years. And also one second.

[Audience Member 2]

One, two, three, four. Hate riddle riddles. Clue Crew, listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free seven day [e-mail]. hey, Riddleriddle.