Patreon Preview #301: Merry Christmas to Mall and to Mall a Good Night!

Summary

Hey Riddle Riddle Podcast Summary Episode: Patreon Preview #301: Merry Christmas to Mall and to Mall a Good Night!
Release Date: December 13, 2024
Host/Author: Headgum
Description:
In this special Patreon preview episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, hosts Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan dive into a festive yet chaotic narrative set in the bustling Milwaukee Greater Mall during the Christmas season. Through a series of improvised dialogues and humorous interactions, the episode explores themes of identity, deception, and the commercialization of holiday traditions—all while maintaining the show’s trademark wit and playful banter.

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1. Introduction to the Mall Mayhem

The episode opens with a seemingly ordinary encounter between a little girl, Addie, and a character portraying Santa Claus. However, the situation quickly escalates into confusion as another “Santa” appears, leading to a comical dispute over identity and authenticity.

• Santa (00:02): “Ho, ho, ho. Hello there, little girl. What's your name? I'm Santa.”
• Addie (00:08): “Um, my name's Addie.”

2. The Double Santa Conundrum

Addie notices irregularities suggesting the presence of two Santas sharing a beard and displaying conflicting behaviors, such as smoking cigarettes—a trait traditionally unassociated with the jolly figure.

• Addie (00:25): “You guys seemed to be sharing a beard.”
• Santa (00:50): “Send the elves. Elves over. We got a code 2, 4.”

This introduces a subplot where the authenticity of Santa is questioned, hinting at underlying tensions and possible imposters within the holiday festivities.

3. Elves and Emergency Codes

Amidst the confusion, the term “code 2, 4” is repeatedly mentioned, signaling an emergency that requires the intervention of elves—another element traditionally linked to Santa’s operations but portrayed here with a twist of chaos.

• Santa (00:50): “Send the elves. Elves over. We got a code 2, 4.”

The urgency adds a layer of mystery and hints at possible disruptions within the typical Christmas narrative.

4. Introduction of Jarnathan and Kimberly

The dialogue shifts focus as Jarnathan, another young character, joins the conversation, bringing in his observations and further complicating the Santa situation.

• Jarnathan (01:19): “I saw you yelling at another Santa in the parking lot.”
• Santa (01:49): “There's only one Santa, and he doesn't drive. He puts a finger to his nose and gives a wink…”

This exchange deepens the plot, introducing potential issues with portrayal and responsibilities of the Santa figure in the mall setting.

5. The Quest for Christmas Pizza

A humorous side plot emerges around the quest for "Christmas pizza," a novelty item in the mall's food court, which becomes a metaphor for the commercialization and absurdity of holiday offerings.

• Addie (07:35): “Do you have, like, a spicy buffalo chicken kind of thing?”
• Jarnathan (08:39): “It's like red and green pizza. It's basically like red and green pizza.”

This segment satirizes the often illogical combination of holiday themes with everyday consumer products, highlighting the exaggerated lengths malls go to cater to seasonal demands.

6. Relationship Drama and "Hand Stuff"

The episode takes an unexpected turn into relationship dynamics as Addie and Jarnathan discuss infidelity, specifically focusing on a term they use euphemistically as "hand stuff." This conversation explores themes of trust, misunderstanding, and communication within relationships.

• Addie (10:04): “No one likes hand stuff. Hand stuff is for people who haven't really had sex yet…”
• Santa (11:02): “Hand on penis, that's fine.”

This dialogue provides comedic relief while also touching on more serious aspects of personal relationships, showcasing the show's ability to balance humor with relatable issues.

7. Climax: Confrontation and Resolution

As tensions rise, the characters confront each other over misunderstandings and broken trust, culminating in a chaotic yet humorous resolution that underscores the episode's themes of confusion and reconciliation during the holiday season.

• Santa (11:23): “Hate Riddle.”
• Jarnathan (11:24): “Riddle's clue crew Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free seven day [e-mail]. hey, Riddle. Riddle.”

This climax wraps up the various plot threads in a way that aligns with the podcast’s signature comedic style, leaving listeners with a mix of laughter and lingering thoughts on the complexities of holiday traditions.

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Notable Quotes

• Santa on Authenticity (01:49): “There's only one Santa, and he doesn't drive. He puts a finger to his nose and gives a wink, and suddenly he appears anywhere.”

• Addie on Commercialization (08:39): “I want pepperoni. It was so hard to not do hand stuff.”

• Santa on Holiday Stress (06:08): “Maybe the pain of everyday life is so severe that the only way to get through it is to dull your mind and your senses daily.”

• Jarnathan on Relationship Dynamics (10:31): “Reggie's Christmas pizza.”

Insights and Themes

This episode cleverly intertwines multiple layers of holiday-themed satire, from questioning the authenticity of Santa Claus to mocking the commercialization of Christmas through products like "Christmas pizza." The interplay between characters adds depth, exploring personal themes such as trust and communication within relationships, all wrapped in the podcast's signature improvisational humor.

Conclusions

Patreon Preview #301: Merry Christmas to Mall and to Mall a Good Night! serves as a festive yet chaotic narrative that reflects the complexities and absurdities of modern holiday celebrations. Through improvised dialogues and character interactions, the episode offers a humorous take on traditional Christmas elements, making it both entertaining and thought-provoking for listeners. Whether you’re a fan of riddles, holiday satire, or simply enjoy witty banter, this episode captures the essence of Hey Riddle Riddle while delivering a unique holiday experience.

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Note: To enjoy the full episode and access exclusive content, consider joining the Clue Crew on Patreon.

Transcript

[Santa]

Ho, ho, ho. Hello there, little girl. What's your name? I'm Santa.

[Addie]

Um, my name's Addie.

[Santa]

Oh, Addie. How do you spell that?

[Addie]

A D, D, Y?

[Santa]

Is that a question or a statement? Kidding.

[Addie]

I just saw you and another Santa switch out.

[Santa]

Oh, that doesn't sound right. How could Santa switch out when there's only one of me to be sure?

[Addie]

Yeah, I thought so, but I saw you and a Santa switch out. You guys seemed to be sharing a beard.

[Santa]

Hmm. No, that's just.

[Addie]

And then you kind of yelled. The other Santa kind of yelled at you because you got. One of you is smoking while you're wearing the beard, and the other one hates the smell of cigarette smoke.

[Santa]

Oh, excuse me for one second. Hey, we've got a problem here. Send. Send the elves. Elves over. We got a code 2, 4. We got a code 2, 4.

[Addie]

Listen, Addie and I just feel like Santa wouldn't smoke cigarettes and there wouldn't be two Santas. It seemed like you two were maybe brothers who didn't get along.

[Jarnathan]

All right, your Christmas turn is over now you're out.

[Addie]

My wrist.

[Santa]

Bye, Addie. What? Hello. What's your name, little boy?

[Jarnathan]

My name is Jarnathan.

[Santa]

Jarnathan. Like, is that like a. I have a question. Is that like Skyrizi? What is.

[Jarnathan]

I saw you yelling at another Santa in the parking lot. No, it seems like you drove together. Because it seemed like he drove and you both got out of the car, and then you were, like, pulling on each other's outfits because, like, there's only one outfit and you both didn't have enough clothes on and you weren't trying to figure out who got to wear the clothes.

[Santa]

Listen, Jardians, there's only one Santa, and he doesn't drive. He puts a finger to his nose and gives a wink, and suddenly he appears anywhere.

[Jarnathan]

Sort of like he wasn't driving. Well, he was. He kind of hit a lot of cars in the parking lot. My mom said he almost hit our car, but it's okay because we have a camera. So if he had hit our car, we wouldn't have had to. You know, the insurance claim would have sorted itself out.

[Santa]

Oh, dash cams are a real problem these days. That's why Santa doesn't give them. What do you want for Christmas, little boy?

[Jarnathan]

Well, I guess I kind of want to know what was going on with you and that other Santa and why. How did you get in the car without having enough clothes on? Because it's like, were you coming from somewhere where you were Naked or like what. What was. What's the exact relationship between you and that other.

[Santa]

Okay, let me let you you in on a little secret. Have you ever seen the movie Prestige with Christian Bale?

[Jarnathan]

I'm six.

[Santa]

Look, we got a problem here. We got a code two, four. Security, we got a code two, four. Elves.

[Addie]

We're the elves and we're here to take you away.

[Jarnathan]

Ow.

[Addie]

From your parents. You'll never see em again.

[Jarnathan]

Hi Zach.

[Santa]

Bye, Jordan. Oh. Oh, hello there. What's your name?

[Jarnathan]

Kimberly.

[Santa]

Kimberly, did you just wake up?

[Addie]

Yeah, I napped. And fine to meet Santa.

[Santa]

Yes, and you have you have met Santa? Kimberly, what a delightful young lady. What can I get for you this year?

[Addie]

I want to know why I saw two Santas fist fighting in the parking lot earlier. My dad said he saw two Santas get really get into it last night at the casino.

[Santa]

Well, that didn't happen. But if it did, maybe it's because we all agreed that you stay on 14. Cause if you have a strategy, then you can clean the house out. Does that make sense? Clean out the house, bring the house down. But if someone hits on 14 and suddenly the strategy is out the fucking window, then that screws everyone at the table. Does that make sense?

[Addie]

Is that why we're paying out the ass for photos with Santa? You're charging double now because you lost all your money at the casino?

[Santa]

No, I'm adjusting for the holiday inspiration. Do you want a photo or not? Because it's already been taken. Here it is. Do you want to buy this?

[Addie]

No.

[Santa]

Well, fuck. Okay, then I guess I'll. I guess I'll try and find someone who looks just like you. What was your name again? Sleeps. Hey, Sleeps. What was your name?

[Addie]

Kimberly.

[Santa]

Kimberly, can I give you some advice?

[Addie]

Okay, Santa.

[Santa]

Okay. You should run away from home. You dad sucks. Sounds like he sucks.

[Addie]

I mean, he won pretty big at the casino last night.

[Santa]

Elves. We got too far. I got a two elves. Elves too far.

[Jarnathan]

It's time for you to go away. We are the elves. It's Christmas day. Excuse me, Santa. Excuse me, Santa.

[Santa]

Oh, hello there. What's your name? What?

[Jarnathan]

My name is Billy.

[Santa]

Oh, Billy, you are so tiny. What? Come up here.

[Jarnathan]

I'm small for my age.

[Santa]

Yes. Billy, what's going on? What can I get you for Christmas?

[Jarnathan]

You can. I could ask you for a Christmas present. And you. You try your your hardest to get me that Christmas present.

[Addie]

Oh, of course.

[Santa]

You just mentioned anything that could be found here in the Milwaukee Greater Mall.

[Jarnathan]

And I'm guessing you, my mom is a public defender, and she says she has this client whose name is Kenny Bostwick, who is a false Santa. And she was defending him in court the other week, and he kept coming to court intoxicated and inebriated. And the judge said that he has. He's on his second strike, and if he gets three strikes, it's 10 years. So I guess for Christmas, I would kind of like Kenny Bostick, wherever he is, to get his life together.

[Santa]

Oh, yeah, easy for you to say. Did you know that? Go ahead.

[Jarnathan]

Maybe have a merry Christmas.

[Santa]

May he have a merry Christmas. Interesting. Did you know that alcohol can sometimes be used as medicine? Maybe the pain of everyday life is so severe that the only way to get through it is to dull your mind and your senses daily. Because the unforgiving, unrelentless march of time and the dead end job you found yourself in, and the wife that ran off with a different mall Santa, that all that compounds and adds up. And everyone's going through something. I'm not saying that. Not saying everyone's not going through something. Okay. But some of us are going through something so insane.

[Jarnathan]

Duplos.

[Santa]

That we. You want diplo? What?

[Jarnathan]

Duplos. Just Duplos.

[Santa]

Two pillows. What do you say?

[Jarnathan]

No duplos. It's like Legos, but they're, like, kind of bigger. For younger kids.

[Santa]

Just say big Legos and get off my lap and tell your mom. Hey. Tell your mom I'm not paying the bills.

[Jarnathan]

She's a public defender.

[Santa]

She can stop sending me pills.

[Jarnathan]

She's a public defender.

[Santa]

Whatever she's sending me in the mail, it can stop. Okay.

[Jarnathan]

Court summons. She said court summons. Hey, welcome to Sbarro. What can I get you?

[Santa]

Do you have, like, a spicy buffalo chicken kind of thing?

[Jarnathan]

No, sorry. And the menu is out of date. It's just all we have is, like, crisp Christmas pizza.

[Addie]

Oh, what's like, 45 minutes? Just pick. Come on.

[Santa]

I know. I just don't. Hey, it's like 14 bucks a slice. I want to get this right. Is it, like, red crust or what's. What's a Christmas pizza?

[Jarnathan]

Yes, Christmas pizza. So it's like. It's red and green. It's basically like red and green pizza.

[Santa]

Okay. Hey, Bev, it's like red and green pizza. It's like maybe pesto and marinara. Is it pesto and marinara? No. Oh, okay. Hey, Bev. Bev.

[Addie]

Hey. We are both at the mall at the same time, but we are not here together. Okay. We are not here together.

[Santa]

Okay, so I'M not buying your slice.

[Addie]

No, you should buy. That's the very least you could do is buy my slice.

[Jarnathan]

Two slices of Christmas pizza.

[Santa]

No, one slice Christmas pizza.

[Addie]

I want pepperoni.

[Jarnathan]

Yeah. So the sign's at a date for the holidays. It's only. All we have left is Christmas pizza.

[Addie]

What is Christmas pizza?

[Jarnathan]

It's like red and green pizza.

[Santa]

Yeah.

[Addie]

What's the green?

[Santa]

What's the green?

[Jarnathan]

So it's like. It's like, you know like how, like, pizza has, like, shredded cheese.

[Santa]

Yes.

[Jarnathan]

It's like shredded lettuce.

[Addie]

Ah, that sounds horrible.

[Jarnathan]

It's cooked. It's cooked. It's not cold.

[Addie]

What?

[Santa]

It's Hot Panda Express.

[Addie]

Um, let's see. No, I wanted a pepperoni from Sbarro Pizza. And I guess I don't really want to have to negotiate anymore or sort of compromise anymore after you cheated on me with our neighbor. So I guess we're gonna wait in this line and be in this line, and then you're also probably gonna buy me a Wetzel's pretzel later. And that's just what I'm thinking is gonna happen.

[Santa]

Let me ask you something, Reggie.

[Jarnathan]

Yeah.

[Santa]

Is hand stuff cheating? Say no, say no. Say no, say no.

[Addie]

Because he did everything except hand stuff. Because he thought that hand stuff was the only thing that was cheating. He thought everything else was okay.

[Jarnathan]

Had you told him hand stuff is cheating?

[Addie]

Yeah, I said hand stuff is cheating, and he thought that meant the only thing is that is cheating is hand stuff.

[Jarnathan]

Dude, that's misleading because I can see how you could say hand stuff.

[Addie]

Reggie, you're joking. Reggie, go back to the cooks.

[Jarnathan]

I'm not on the side. I can just say pepperoni and cheese.

[Addie]

On a fucking pizza for me.

[Jarnathan]

Okay, can I be honest? I don't like to make any of that other pizza. I like to make Reggie's Christmas pizza. That's all I made today.

[Addie]

Reggie, can I tell you something? No one likes hand stuff. Hand stuff is for people who haven't really had sex yet and are in their parents basement and they're just trying stuff out. Hand stuff, as a grownup sort of goes out the window.

[Jarnathan]

Why?

[Addie]

It's not some sort of heroic feat.

[Jarnathan]

Did he ask about hand stuff?

[Addie]

Yes, he said, hey, babe. He went, knock, knock. I was in my office, and he went, hey, babe, is hand stuff cheating? And I went, yes, of course hand stuff is cheating.

[Jarnathan]

I'm back on her side because I thought, you, ma'am, have brought up to him that handset is cheating and had not specified anything else. But if he asked about it and you just responded to it, I'm back on your side.

[Addie]

Thank you, Reggie.

[Jarnathan]

To Reggie's. Two Reggie's Christmas pizzas.

[Santa]

No, nobody wants Reggie's fucking lettuce pizza.

[Jarnathan]

I think if people tried it, they would like it.

[Addie]

After he cheated, he came back into the house and said, but I didn't do hand stuff. And that was so hard to not do hand stuff. And I went, no, no. It's not very easy to not do hand stuff well. Well, Reggie, come on, man.

[Jarnathan]

Was he didn't use his hands at all?

[Addie]

No, he used his hands, but he just didn't do hand stuff.

[Santa]

Yeah. Didn't do hand stuff.

[Jarnathan]

Well, what's the line?

[Santa]

Hand on penis, that's fine. No, that's the line.

[Jarnathan]

That's the line.

[Santa]

Yeah.

[Jarnathan]

Dude, you telling me he didn't touch his own penis the whole time? That's hard.

[Addie]

No, he touched his own penis.

[Santa]

Yeah.

[Jarnathan]

Oh, we didn't touch the other guy's penis.

[Addie]

Yes.

[Jarnathan]

Yes, dude. Okay, I'm back on her side. 1, 2, 3, 4.

[Santa]

Hate Riddle.

[Jarnathan]

Riddle's clue crew Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free seven day [e-mail]. hey, Riddle. Riddle.