Patreon Preview #304: Public Access 13 w/ Janet Varney

Summary

Hey Riddle Riddle Podcast Summary Episode: Patreon Preview #304: Public Access 13 w/ Janet Varney
Release Date: January 3, 2025
Host/Author: Headgum

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Introduction

In this special Patreon Preview episode titled "Public Access 13," the Hey Riddle Riddle team welcomes Janet Varney as a guest. Known for her dynamic roles in television and her engaging personality, Janet brings a unique flavor to the podcast, blending humor with unexpected twists. This episode ventures slightly off the typical riddle-solving path, delving into improvisational comedy set in a local dive bar scenario.

Setting the Scene

The episode opens with Michael humorously asserting he's not drunk while in a dive bar, setting the tone for a playful and chaotic conversation.

• Michael [00:02]: "Hi. Welcome back to. I will knock you. I'm coming to you from the local dive bar where I am gonna get into some fights with people who definitely deserve it. Hold on, hold on. You got the spins. My name is Michael, and I'm not drunk."

Barroom Antics and Character Interactions

As the episode progresses, Michael engages in a humorous altercation with Joel over his weekly show production. The dialogue is lively, filled with witty banter and comedic threats of knocking someone out.

• Michael [00:33]: "Do I? Because I have a show to produce every week. I will knock you. There's a camera. Put the graphic in here."
• Joel [00:31]: "I don't have a problem with you. You do this every week."

Job, another character, tries to mediate the situation by addressing Michael's behavior, attributing it to medication rather than intoxication.

• Job [01:06]: "He's technically not overserved. He's only had one drink. I just think it's a reaction to his medicine."

Escalation and Comedic Fallout

The tension escalates humorously as more characters like Narm and Sasha enter the scene, leading to a series of slapstick moments. Drinks crash, and Michael ends up injured, adding to the comedic chaos.

• Narm [02:20]: "Narm. Narm. Ask Job for an ice pack. Hey, I hurt my shoulder."
• Michael [03:56]: "I'm one of the guys that killed bin Laden."

The absurdity heightens with Michael's over-the-top claims and the ensuing confusion among the characters.

Guest Appearance: Janet Varney as Sasha

Sasha, portrayed by Janet Varney, adds another layer of humor with her quirky questions and interactions about podiatry and existential musings.

• Sasha [05:09]: "This one time, I was talking to my dad, and he said, if you talk and you so many questions, then you should have your own show."

Her interaction with Michael leads to a humorous exchange about foot pain and existential thoughts.

• Sasha [07:34]: "I can't feel one in my legs."
• Michael [10:48]: "I'm feeling really existential and really freaked out. I think I'm gonna go eat Pray Love for a little while."

Highlights and Notable Moments

• Michael's Exaggerations: Michael's claim of being involved in killing bin Laden adds a satirical edge to the conversation, poking fun at over-the-top storytelling.

  • Michael [05:02]: "I'm one of the guys that killed bin Laden."

• Sasha's Podiatry Riddle: The episode takes an unexpected turn into podiatry with Sasha questioning why someone’s foot is bothering them, blending everyday concerns with the show's riddle-solving theme.

  • Sasha [07:09]: "Why are you."

• Comedic Timing and Slapstick: The episode is rich with physical comedy, such as Michael falling asleep on the bar and drinks crashing, enhancing the humorous narrative.

  • Michael [04:06]: "I'll have one drink. It's a reaction to my medicine."

  • Narm [04:11]: "Michael fell asleep again."

Concluding Chaos

The episode wraps up with the hosts deciding to end the chaotic scene as Michael remains asleep, leaving listeners with a blend of unresolved humor and anticipation for future episodes.

• Joel [04:06]: "Okay, everyone, we're gonna go ahead and end this episode because Michael fell asleep again."
• Job [11:12]: "Riddles. Clue crew listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free 7 day trial at patreon.com/heyriddleriddle."

Key Takeaways

• Improvisational Humor: The episode showcases the hosts' improvisational skills, creating a lively and unpredictable narrative.

• Character Dynamics: Interactions between Michael, Joel, Job, Narm, and Sasha highlight the team's chemistry and comedic timing.

• Unexpected Themes: While centered around riddles and puzzles, this episode ventures into improv comedy, offering a refreshing deviation from the norm.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Michael [00:02]: "I will knock you. I'm coming to you from the local dive bar..."

• Job [01:06]: "He's technically not overserved. He's only had one drink. I just think it's a reaction to his medicine."

• Michael [05:02]: "I'm one of the guys that killed bin Laden."

• Sasha [07:34]: "I can't feel one in my legs."

• Job [10:48]: "I'm feeling really existential and really freaked out. I think I'm gonna go eat Pray Love for a little while."

Conclusion

"Public Access 13" offers a comedic departure from Hey Riddle Riddle's typical format, blending improv elements with the show's signature humor. Guest Janet Varney enhances the episode with her engaging performance, making it a memorable addition to the series. Whether you're a fan of riddles or enjoy a good laugh, this episode provides a delightful mix of both.

For more exclusive content and weekly bonus episodes, consider joining the Clue Crew on Patreon.

Transcript

[Michael]

Hi. Welcome back to. I will knock you. I'm coming to you from the local dive bar where I am gonna get into some fights with people who definitely deserve it. Hold on, hold on. You got the spins. My name is Michael, and I'm not drunk. My first guest is the guy sitting next to me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

[Joel]

Hey, come on. Hey, come on. Knock it off. Knock it off.

[Michael]

Excuse me, sir.

[Joel]

Knock it off.

[Michael]

Do you have a freaking problem with me, Michael?

[Joel]

I don't have a problem with you. You do this every week.

[Michael]

Do I? Because I have a show to produce every week. I will knock you. There's a camera. Put the graphic in here. Put the graphic in here.

[Joel]

Graphic of what?

[Michael]

Talking to my line producer. Put the graphic in here.

[Joel]

Okay, let's. Can we cut him off? Can we cut him off, please?

[Michael]

Me? No, from the bar. No, no.

[Joel]

You're overserved. Michael, come on, man. We've known each other. We went to college together. Come on.

[Michael]

I will knock you. Stop having so many faces. So I know which one to punch. Stop it.

[Joel]

I'm a triplet.

[Job]

He's technically not overserved. He's only had one drink. I just think it's a reaction to his medicine.

[Michael]

I'll have one drink. It's a reaction to my medicine.

[Job]

I can only stop after three drinks, so legally, I have to. Joel. If he asks.

[Joel]

Joel. This is not how you run a bar.

[Job]

I told him not to take the.

[Michael]

Another mojito, please. Job.

[Job]

You have two thirds of your mojito, Job.

[Michael]

But I drink fast because I have a straw and I drink faster.

[Job]

I'll make you another mojito.

[Michael]

And guess what? After that, I'm gonna knock you.

[Job]

That's not gonna happen.

[Michael]

To the ground. I'm gonna punch you. I know you were a Marine, Job. Oh, Jobla was a marine. Job has big arms. I'm gonna knock you down, Jobs.

[Narm]

Hey, everybody, it's me, Narm.

[Michael]

Narm. Narm. I will knock you down to the ground. Narm.

[Narm]

Oh, Michael, you old so and so. You still making that show here? What's up, buddy? High five.

[Michael]

Tries to high five. Goes to punch. Falls.

[Narm]

Oh, Michael. Michael. Mike. How much does this guy had?

[Joel]

Everybody tries to slide Narm. A free drink. At the same time, 20 drinks crash right in front of Michael. Fall on his head. All the glass gets in his eyes.

[Michael]

Narm. Narm. Ask Job for an ice pack. Hey, I hurt my shoulder.

[Job]

Oh.

[Narm]

Oh, hey, Joe, buddy. Hey, you got an ice pack floating around out there? Back there? In there?

[Job]

I. I don't. I don't because somebody keeps taking them to me. I don't even think their shoulders are hurt. I think they just keep taking the ice pack. So if you want to give the any ice packs that you already have back and I can refreeze them.

[Michael]

I don't know where they went.

[Job]

I don't know where they went either. I love them back.

[Michael]

Can you.

[Job]

You have one drink left before I can legally start cutting you off.

[Michael]

Are you accusing me of doing this for attention? Are you?

[Job]

No, I don't think so.

[Joel]

Michael, be careful. He was one of the guys that shot bin Laden. We're not supposed to know, but he's. He's.

[Michael]

He brags about it all the time. He's not even subtle about it.

[Job]

No, I brag about. Maybe I was one of the guys who did it. I never said that.

[Michael]

That even is your name. Joel.

[Joel]

It's not. It's Joel.

[Job]

Joel.

[Michael]

Yeah. I knew it. Right? Baker.

[Sasha]

Baker.

[Michael]

I'm gonna knock you.

[Job]

Spelled like the south Korean capital.

[Michael]

I'm going to knock you out. Narm, hold my mojito.

[Sasha]

Hold em.

[Michael]

All right. I'm gonna wind my fists up. Here I come. Job dorit.

[Narm]

If you don't mind, I'm gonna sing a little song to go along with as I thought it could be kind of a fun song for your show. Michael, you were young man took too much medication talking to the guy who shot bin Laden.

[Michael]

I will, I will knock you, knock you, knock you. Michael is sound asleep on top of the bar holding his mojito like a teddy bear.

[Joel]

Okay, everyone, we're gonna go ahead and end this episode because Michael fell asleep again.

[Michael]

I'll knock, I'll knock you.

[Narm]

If you don't mind, while you talk about him being asleep, I'd like to sing a little song. Michael fell asleep at the bar today.

[Michael]

I'm one of the guys that killed bin Laden. No, I'm one of the guys that killed bin Laden.

[Job]

I'm gonna lock up everybody. I'll take Michael home.

[Joel]

You're gonna lock up?

[Job]

No, I'm not gonna lock you up. I'm gonna lock up the bar. Everybody can go and I'll take Michael home, okay? And no, I'm not gonna just put him on a boat, drive up to the middle of the ocean and throw him off the side of the boat. Okay? I won't do that.

[Joel]

Knock the boat ashore.

[Michael]

Hey, hey, hey.

[Narm]

Singing parody songs in the bar is my thing.

[Joel]

Hey, I'll knock you.

[Michael]

I will knock you. I will knock you. I will knock you. I will. Thank you. So much for coming. I. I will knock you. My name is Joel, Army Ranger. See you later, my people.

[Narm]

Who killed Kit?

[Joel]

Killed. Who killed?

[Michael]

Nothing Seen.

[Joel]

Janet, Your options are why are you. Next option is not me. And the last option is Flirt Milk.

[Narm]

Well, I'm going to slide right past the obvious choice of flirt milk and.

[Michael]

Go with and that's subverting expectations. That's incredible.

[Narm]

Why are you.

[Joel]

Why are you.

[Sasha]

Hi, everybody. This is Sasha. Welcome to my show. This one time, I was talking to my dad, and he said, if you talk and you so many questions, then you should have your own show. And I said, okay. And then I contacted Hollywood, and then I got the show. So.

[Michael]

And so you just see the top part of her head because the camera's too high.

[Sasha]

So and so with that, let's get started. Okay. My first guess is the sky. Hello.

[Job]

Hello. I don't necessarily know why I was booked on the show. I'm assuming it's to talk about podiatry.

[Sasha]

No, sorry, I didn't essay this guy. I said the sky. You're dismissed.

[Narm]

Okay.

[Sasha]

My guess is the sky. Hello, Skye.

[Michael]

Hi, Sasha. Thank you for having me.

[Sasha]

Thanks for this one time. My dad said that.

[Michael]

Oh, my podiatrist is here.

[Sasha]

Oh.

[Michael]

What's up, man? What are you doing here?

[Job]

A producer booked me on the show. I assumed. I assumed I was here to talk about podiatry. I didn't. I should actually know what the show is.

[Michael]

Huh.

[Sasha]

Before we take a quick break to my first question is for this sky, not this guy. This guy. Why are you.

[Michael]

I'm having, like, a thing on my foot that is, like, really bothering me. It's like. It feels. Maybe it's like a bone thing to look at it.

[Job]

Yeah, I mean, I'm. I'm here. You also, ma'am, shouldn't be standing on your tippy toes like that. That's. That's gonna do very much long term. I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about the child who's standing on your tippy toes trying to get above the desk.

[Sasha]

I can't. I am. I. Am I even above it? I can't tell.

[Job]

You're not. You're not. But you're ruining your toes. I've seen ballerinas with worse toes. This is. You need to stop. You need to stop immediately. Can we get a booster seat for the child? And the sky is talking to me.

[Michael]

Sorry, Sasha. You had a question. You had a question. I'm sorry.

[Sasha]

Yeah.

[Job]

This guy has a foot.

[Sasha]

Because one time and I had Wanted to ask this tooth fairy, and then she didn't come.

[Michael]

Oh, she's dead.

[Sasha]

I've never lost my baby teeth. What? What?

[Michael]

Sorry, what was your question, Sasha? I keep interrupting you. What was your question?

[Sasha]

Why are you.

[Michael]

Whoa. Why am I?

[Sasha]

Yeah.

[Michael]

Whoa. Why am I. Why am I.

[Job]

Is there an adult I could talk to about what's happening here or why.

[Michael]

Why am. I don't know.

[Sasha]

Yeah.

[Michael]

I don't know. I just sort of like consciousness just sort of happens to you. Right. So, like, it's kind of a mystery, Sasha, isn't it? Right.

[Sasha]

Yeah. It's like what Kant says. Emmanuel Kant? One time my dad was reading me Emmanuel. Why does my foot itch? This guy.

[Michael]

That one can't be for me.

[Job]

That feels pointedly for me.

[Sasha]

This guy. Why is this my foot?

[Job]

It's this guy. I don't know what's going on here, Sasha. Are your parents around? Is there someone watching you? Are you.

[Joel]

This is my camera. Hi.

[Job]

I don't see the camera.

[Michael]

Hi.

[Joel]

Sorry. Let me get up on my tippy toes. Hi.

[Job]

Oh, that's an adult human.

[Joel]

We run small.

[Job]

Yeah. No. Were you the one who booked me? You're the producer.

[Michael]

Okay.

[Job]

Okay, great.

[Michael]

So, yeah, I'm trying to stare out the window existentially at the sky, but I'm here.

[Job]

What is that disembodied voice? Could someone help me with that? Because I don't know where that's coming from. We're indoors, correct? What happened to me?

[Joel]

We'll add it in post and it.

[Job]

Looks like maybe you're. It looks like. Oh, wow. That could be some sort of. Could be some sort of like fungal infection on your foot. Yeah, I mean, we'll actually need to get that samples and we'll have to take that cultures. We'll have to figure out what exactly that is before I can prescribe it, but. How long has this been on your foot?

[Sasha]

Mom, I have a question. Why are you.

[Joel]

Oh, sweetie. Because I have to tell you because.

[Job]

You could lose the foot. We should be taking this more seriously. I've never seen a case this bad.

[Sasha]

I can't feel one in my legs.

[Job]

Oh, my God.

[Michael]

Good God.

[Job]

It's up the ankle.

[Michael]

I'm feeling really existential and really freaked out. I think I'm gonna go eat Pray Love for a little while.

[Job]

What could that mean? What the hell was that? Did the sky just leave?

[Sasha]

Uh, it's really dark out there.

[Job]

It's so dark. Oh, God. I'm a podiatrist. One, two, three, four.

[Michael]

Hate riddle.

[Job]

Riddles. Clue crew listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free 7 day trial at patreon.com heyriddleriddle.