Patreon Preview #318: The Ball Is The Egg - A PBL Documentary

Summary

Hey Riddle Riddle Podcast Episode Summary Episode: Patreon Preview #318: The Ball Is The Egg - A PBL Documentary
Release Date: April 11, 2025
Host/Authors: Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, John Patrick Coan
Podcast Description: Riddles! Puzzles! WhoDunnits! Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan, three of Chicago's most overrated improvisers, are on the case to solve every riddle, puzzle, brain-teaser, and head-scratcher known to humanity. Some riddles are almost impossible, some are absolutely improbable, and some simply have not aged well. And if you don't like riddles, don't worry! This podcast is barely about them!

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1. Supreme Court Declares All Birds Eligible for Penguin Baseball League

The episode kicks off with a humorous mock Supreme Court session where John Roberts presides as the Chief Justice. He delivers a groundbreaking ruling that opens the Penguin Baseball League (PBL) to all birds, humorously clarifying, “It is this court and today it is the opinion of this court that all birds, not the shoes, from nape to nail, feather to fecal sack and cape to cloaca, were created in the glorious image of great God to play baseball” (00:17).

Notable Quote:

John Roberts: "it is this court and today it is the opinion of this court that all birds, not the shoes are now eligible to play ball." (00:17)

2. Media Reacts to the Ruling

Following the ruling, various fictional news anchors respond to the announcement, highlighting the absurdity and comedic elements of birds participating in baseball.

Notable Quotes:

Jennifer Vagina: "That's crazy. Birds can't play." (01:54)
Tom Sanduski: "Honorable John Roberts has declared that all birds, not the shoes are now eligible to play ball." (02:05)
Jennifer Vagina: "All birds, not the shoes, are able to. Baseball now. More at 11." (02:21)

3. Introducing Owl Borland: A Dreamer in the PBL Draft

The narrative shifts to Owl Borland, a barn owl from St. Louis with aspirations to join the PBL. The segment delves into his personal life, his relationship with his single mother, and his hopes for the upcoming draft.

Notable Quotes:

Owl Borland: "Mom, it's not a sure thing. I mean, I'm eligible for the draft and hopefully. Hopefully someone saw something." (04:55)
Jennifer Vagina: "I can't believe my baby's gonna be playing in the Penguin Baseball League." (04:39)

4. Family Dynamics and the Draft's High Stakes

Owl Borland's family comes together to support his dream, showcasing comedic interactions and the pressure of the draft. The segment humorously portrays the family's over-the-top enthusiasm and the anxiety of not knowing whether Owl will be selected.

Notable Quotes:

Jennifer Vagina: "We bought you a big cake that said congratulations on definitely getting into the league." (05:11)
Owl Borland: "Mom, please don't. Chickens before they're hatched. Mom, I haven't been drafted yet." (05:22)

5. The Draft Event and Unexpected Outcomes

During the draft, it becomes evident that there has been a mix-up. Owl Borland is accidentally drafted into the Tampa Bay Shrimp Shredders instead of the PBL, leading to confusion and a frantic attempt to rectify the mistake.

Notable Quotes:

Tom Sanduski: "I didn't get drafted, but all shocks did." (06:36)
Owl Borland: "The Owls are desperate. They will do anything to protect their young." (07:28)

6. Attempting to Correct the Draft Mistake

Owl Borland and his mother attempt to contact John Patrick Cohen, the owner of the Shrimp Shredders, to address the drafting error. The conversation humorously highlights miscommunication and the chaos that ensues when trying to correct such a high-profile mistake.

Notable Quotes:

Jennifer Vagina: "This is a concerned mother. My baby was the absolute best of the best at his owl High school, at Penguin baseball." (09:27)
John Patrick Cohen: "I thought Owls were joining the Penguin Baseball League." (07:01)
Jennifer Vagina: "Al Bro. Al Borland, sir." (10:01)
John Patrick Cohen: "I really do wish we had a room for him on the team. I really do." (10:23)

7. Conclusion and Cliffhanger

The episode wraps up with unresolved tensions and comedic misunderstandings, leaving listeners eager for more. The team hints at further developments and encourages listeners to subscribe for the full experience.

Notable Quote:

John Roberts: "Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free 7 day trial at patreon.com heyriddleriddle." (10:52)

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Key Themes and Insights:

• Absurdity and Humor: The episode leverages absurd scenarios, such as birds playing baseball and a mock Supreme Court ruling, to create humor.
• Character Dynamics: Interactions between characters like Owl Borland, his mother, and news anchors add depth and comedic value.
• Satire of Media and Bureaucracy: The portrayal of news media and the legal system satirizes real-world institutions in a lighthearted manner.
• Family and Ambition: Owl Borland's efforts to join the PBL reflect themes of family support and personal ambition, albeit in a whimsical context.

Conclusion: "Patreon Preview #318: The Ball Is The Egg - A PBL Documentary" offers a comedic and imaginative take on the intersection of sports, media, and animal characters. Through its engaging dialogue and humorous plot twists, the episode captivates listeners, setting the stage for more entertaining adventures in the Penguin Baseball League universe.

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Timestamps Reference

• 00:17 - John Roberts' Supreme Court Declaration
• 01:54 - Jennifer Vagina's initial reaction
• 02:05 - Tom Sanduski reports the ruling
• 02:21 - Jennifer Vagina continues coverage
• 04:39 - Jennifer discusses Owl Borland's potential
• 04:55 - Owl expresses his uncertainties
• 05:11 - Family interaction about the draft
• 05:22 - Owl seeks reassurance from his mother
• 06:36 - Post-draft confusion
• 07:01 - John Patrick Cohen's misunderstanding
• 07:28 - Owl's determination to fix the mistake
• 09:27 - Jennifer's call to John Patrick Cohen
• 10:01 - Clarification of Al Borland's identity
• 10:23 - John Patrick Cohen's wish for Owl Borland
• 10:52 - Episode conclusion and call to action

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Note: This summary is based on the provided transcript excerpt and aims to encapsulate the key points, discussions, and humor presented in the episode.

Transcript

[John Roberts]

Order.

[Tom Sanduski]

Order. Please come to order. We hear now. No more rabbles, please. We hear now from the Chief justice of the Supreme Court, the Honorable John Roberts. No, Roberts.

[John Roberts]

As Chief justice and representative of the Supreme Court of these United States of America, I have the pleasure, nay, the duty of today righting one of the historic wrongs of this great nation heretofore hence with as if whatever the so called Penguin Baseball League shall not discriminate on the basis of plumage, barbs, beaks, bellies or breasts. For it is neither waddle nor wingspan that gives a bird the authority to engage in our pastime. It is this court and today it is the opinion of this court that all birds, not the shoes, from nape to nail, feather to fecal sack and cape to cloaca, were created in the glorious image of great God to play baseball. To all those assembled here and all those listening henceforth, with B4 out across whatever, let it be now known, Penguin Baseball League is open to all birds. Again, not the shoes. And to all birds. Really not the shoes. I say play ball and the egg is the ball.

[Jennifer Vagina]

That's crazy. Birds can't play.

[Tom Sanduski]

Tom Sanducci with CNN News, you heard it here first. Honorable John Roberts has declared that all birds, not the shoes are now eligible to play ball.

[Jennifer Vagina]

Jennifer Vagina breaking in here with some breaking news. All birds, not the shoes, are able to. Baseball now. More at 11.

[John Roberts]

Jeff Steak here. NBSNCMA BDDBZ. Sorry, I don't know what happened. We have a producer that has a taser and he's been hitting us under the desk with the taser as we. It doesn't matter. All birds.

[Tom Sanduski]

Tom Sanduski with cnn. Some news anchors are being tased is what I'm hearing in my earpiece. An investigation is ongoing.

[Jennifer Vagina]

Hi, I'm Jennifer Vagina with Fox News here to say I'm the only newscaster left after all of them have been tased. More at 11.

[John Roberts]

Hi, I'm Derek. I'm an intern at MSNBC. All the newscasters are gone, so I have to be the one to say this, but as we all know, April of the Penguins is big. It's huge. It's the biggest event in sports and shock, shock, shock. They can still tase us. All that to say the Penguin Baseball League draft was a huge hit. But there are some who didn't make the cut. We take you now to one of their stories.

[Jennifer Vagina]

Taze.

[John Roberts]

Ow.

[Owl Borland]

Observe here, the North American barn owl. This owl's name is Owl Borlan. A play on Al Borlan I assume from Home Improvement, a sitcom which I am currently making my way through season one, is delectable. Hilarious. The mother's quite gorgeous. I dare say I have a crush on her. But this is not her story. This is Owl Borland's. Born in Missouri in the small town of St. Louis, Al Borland was raised by a single owl. We see here with our camera crews, Al Borland talking to his mother about the upcoming Penguin Baseball League draft.

[Jennifer Vagina]

Let me just fix your hair real quick. I can't believe my baby's gonna be playing in the Penguin Baseball League.

[Owl Borland]

Mom, it's not a sure thing. I mean, I'm eligible for the draft and hopefully. Hopefully someone saw something.

[Jennifer Vagina]

Of course they did. Your dad and you have been practicing Penguin Baseball as long as I can remember. He's going to be so proud of you.

[Owl Borland]

Yeah, yeah, my dad and I have been practicing. I mean, I've been throwing the ball up in the air on his grave, if that's what you mean.

[Jennifer Vagina]

Mom, I mean, he's still going to be proud. We all. We bought you a big cake that said congratulations on definitely getting into the league.

[Owl Borland]

Mom, please don't. Chickens before they're hatched. Mom, I haven't been drafted yet. I mean, I'm. I. Hopefully I will be. I mean, the odds are likely, I guess.

[Jennifer Vagina]

Here's the whole family. Come on in, everybody.

[Owl Borland]

Fly in Uncle Darryl, Cousin Susie.

[Jennifer Vagina]

I can't believe you're all awake during the day. For this, we're making a special exception for our favorite little owl.

[John Roberts]

I can't believe I had to fly all the way here from Florida, where I retired to.

[Tom Sanduski]

You're a snowbird.

[John Roberts]

How dare you, you impotent.

[Jennifer Vagina]

Well, maybe our owl here will be a shrimp shredder and you can go see the games live, huh?

[John Roberts]

Baham Owl.

[Owl Borland]

Oh, oh, wait.

[Tom Sanduski]

Here comes.

[Owl Borland]

The draft is on.

[Tom Sanduski]

Here it comes.

[Jennifer Vagina]

All right, everybody, quiet down. My baby's about to be drafted into the Penguin Baseball League.

[John Roberts]

And that's it for the 2025 Penguin Baseball League draft. Congratulations to all the beautiful birds who are joining the league this year. And better luck next time. To all the names that weren't picked. And boy, there were a lot of them.

[Jennifer Vagina]

No, there. There must be some kind of mistake. Those five clowns wouldn't forget about you.

[Tom Sanduski]

Well, I didn't get drafted, but all shocks did.

[Jennifer Vagina]

Oh, shah, that makes no sense. Baby, there's been a huge mistake. Okay, hold on, hold on. Maybe it's because home improvement is not top of mind. So when people were reading through the list. They didn't understand the reference.

[Tom Sanduski]

Why did you give me this name?

[Jennifer Vagina]

Mother.

[John Roberts]

Wait, what's going on? I flew all the way from Florida. I thought Owls were joining the Penguin Baseball League.

[Jennifer Vagina]

They are. A bunch of them made it, didn't you see? We can fix this, right? We can call someone. You know what? A friend of a friend went to college with jpc. I can get his number. We can give him a call and we can try to convince him, tell him that there's been some sort of mistake.

[Owl Borland]

The Owls are desperate. They will do anything to protect their young. But sometimes an owl needs to learn on its own. A quick call to a JPC couldn't hurt, though.

[Jennifer Vagina]

Pick up, pick up, pick up. Everybody be quiet.

[Owl Borland]

Pick up, pick up.

[Jennifer Vagina]

It's ringing.

[John Patrick Cohen]

Hello, you've reached the offices of the Tampa Bay Shrimp Shredders. How may I direct your call?

[Jennifer Vagina]

Oh, I thought this would be right to him. Excuse me, I'm looking to talk to your owner, John Patrick Cohen.

[John Patrick Cohen]

Oh, yeah, this is him. Sorry, I do that voice. I screen my calls. Ah, shit. Forgot to ask who was calling. Too late now.

[Jennifer Vagina]

Do you answer every phone call like that? I feel. Is this your personal phone number?

[John Patrick Cohen]

Yeah.

[Jennifer Vagina]

What?

[John Patrick Cohen]

Do I have two phone numbers?

[John Roberts]

What?

[John Patrick Cohen]

I. Fuck.

[Jennifer Vagina]

Oh, no, I just was assumed that you. That weren't just shrimp shredder related.

[John Patrick Cohen]

That's how I screen my calls. Because then if people like. I can like, screen my. Trump does this.

[Jennifer Vagina]

You're not a drug dealer anymore. You were in college, though, right? Sorry.

[John Patrick Cohen]

Trump does this, Right? Am I crazy that he does this? I feel like he had, like a Persona that he would like.

[Owl Borland]

After a meandering 52 minutes, the call continues.

[John Patrick Cohen]

Okay, so I think.

[Jennifer Vagina]

Yeah, I think I may be misremembering something. Elon Musk is the one who.

[John Patrick Cohen]

There's another guy that sounds like him and he goes.

[Jennifer Vagina]

And they're like, is this Elon Musk defending himself? And he goes, absolutely not. Yeah, but he is so hot and handsome, isn't he?

[John Patrick Cohen]

It's just like a weird guy in Germany who like, kind of is just an Elon Musk fan. It's just like a crazy thing that he's got.

[Jennifer Vagina]

Yeah, sure.

[John Roberts]

Anyway, any hoodle.

[John Patrick Cohen]

I've been talking your ear off.

[John Roberts]

Probably let you go.

[Jennifer Vagina]

Oh, no, sorry. I had a reason for.

[John Patrick Cohen]

Say what so funny?

[Jennifer Vagina]

I had a reason for my call.

[John Patrick Cohen]

Who is this?

[Jennifer Vagina]

This is a concerned mother. My baby was the absolute best of the best at his owl High school, at Penguin baseball. And when we found out there'd be a professional league. Right as he was graduating, we couldn't believe our luck.

[John Patrick Cohen]

Okay, thank God. Bullet dodged, unconcerned mother phone calls. And it's about this.

[Jennifer Vagina]

Oh, you thought it was going to.

[John Patrick Cohen]

Be like a paternity, but it's not necessarily going to what I thought it was and what it's absolutely probably not. And I didn't do anything. And if I did, prove it in fucking court. Yeah, look, who is your child?

[Jennifer Vagina]

Al Bro. Al Borland, sir.

[Owl Borland]

Oh, did you say Al my name?

[Jennifer Vagina]

No, sorry.

[John Patrick Cohen]

Did you say Al Brolin?

[Jennifer Vagina]

Homoprofen is not top of mind. It is not in the zeitgeist. Because we sort of had. We turned on Tim Allen.

[John Patrick Cohen]

I thought we traded full for Owl Brolin. He's the Josh Brolin, but an owl.

[Jennifer Vagina]

No, sorry. Owl Borland.

[John Patrick Cohen]

Oh, Al Borland. Oh, you know what? Great player. Yeah, I watched, I watched his combine. Yeah, no, he's, he's awesome.

[John Roberts]

I.

[John Patrick Cohen]

You know, I wish we had. I wish we had a room for him on the team. I really do.

[Jennifer Vagina]

But you know, better get rid of Osama bin Robin and put Hal Borland on the team.

[John Patrick Cohen]

1, 2, 3, 4. Hey, riddle riddles. Clue crew.

[John Roberts]

Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free 7 day trial at patreon.com heyriddleriddle.