Patreon Preview #351: Mission to Mars Draft

Summary

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Hey Riddle Riddle: Patreon Preview #351 – Mission to Mars Draft

Host: Headgum
Main Cast: Adal Rifai (Aaron), Erin Keif, John Patrick Coan (JPC)
Date: November 28, 2025

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Episode Overview

This Patreon preview episode, “Mission to Mars Draft,” playfully explores what it would take for the hosts—Adal, Erin, and JPC—to undertake a hypothetical mission to Mars. The trio brings their usual blend of absurd improv and authentic reflection to a draft competition where they each assemble their dream plan for surviving—and thriving—on the Red Planet. The episode is packed with tangents about space travel, the absurdities of billionaires, pop-culture references, and the challenges of interplanetary living, always underscored by the show’s signature irreverent humor.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Would You Go to Space?

Timestamp: 01:41–04:46

• Aaron kicks things off by asking the group if they would personally want to go to space if it became affordable and safe enough:

  • JPC shares nostalgia for “space camp” moments from Nickelodeon shows but admits he's never seriously considered actual space travel.
  • Erin brings up a profound encounter with a real astronaut, quoting her:

    “I had seen clips of it a million times, but nothing prepares you for how beautiful it is. … It looks like [Earth] glows from the inside” (02:39).

  • Erin expresses reluctance about the resources and risks of such trips:

    "I can have an appreciation for space down here … I don't want to put myself in that kind of danger" (02:39–03:19).

• The group compares commercial space travel with air travel, riffing on the idea of uncomfortable “middle seats to Mars” and mundane in-flight experiences (“watching Crazy Rich Asians and drinking ginger ale, just smelling everyone’s farts.” - 05:00).

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2. Elon Musk and Billionaire Critique

Timestamp: 05:08–06:15

• Jokes abound about Elon Musk’s public obsession with Mars colonization:

  • Aaron doesn’t mince words:

    “Elon Musk … is a liar and a con man” (05:15).

  • A story is recounted where Joe Rogan insists Musk has "so much money, that guy doesn't want any more money," which Erin mocks as a misunderstanding of billionaire mentality:

    "It’s like being like, that alcoholic had a drink last night. They don’t want to drink anymore." (05:27)

• JPC quips,

  "You're talking about billionaires. But Elon is about to be a trillionaire" (06:11).

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3. The Martian Reality Check

Timestamp: 11:03–11:57

• Aaron describes the realities of living on Mars versus fixing Earth:

  • “If you ask anyone … who knows anything about space travel … they will tell you, there’s no fucking way. There’s absolutely no way that any human being could, like, live on Mars or build a colony on Mars.” (11:03)
  • He points out the absurdity of making Mars habitable while neglecting Earth's preservation:

    “It would actually take more work to stop destroying the planet you live on” (11:45).

• JPC facetiously ignores reality, joking about destroying the planet while emptying "10 bottles of hairspray into a bin" (11:57).

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4. Setting Up the Mars Draft

Timestamp: 12:03–14:00

• Aaron suspends disbelief for the sake of a game: the Mission to Mars Draft. The hosts must assemble the best possible team/plan for a one-way trip to Mars.

  • “We are going to focus on a future in which we can go to Mars. And not only can we go to Mars, we should go to Mars. And the two of you are going to be basically competing in this draft …” (12:03)
  • JPC jokes, referencing “The Martian,” and there’s back-and-forth over how long it takes to travel between planets:

    “Under ideal circumstances, it would take nine months to a year to get to Mars” (12:48).

• The one-way nature of the trip is established:

  "You guys are going there permanently. This is a one-way trip." (13:55)

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5. The Improbability of Their Podcasting Friendship

Timestamp: 13:30–13:53

• Erin reflects on the astronomical odds that brought the three hosts together:

  “What a miracle this is, that all three of us were born at the same time. … This is crazy. The probability, math wise, that this would happen … This rocks.” (13:30)

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6. Draft Competition and Judging

Timestamp: 14:00–15:06

• The draft's stakes and logistics are set:
  • A guest “Nasty Casey” will act as judge.
  • Playful banter about soundboards, AI sound drops, and personal in-jokes ensue:

    “I love having the soundboard … I’m really gonna miss a lot of [the clips]” (15:06) “Because he took his damn dirty penis out.” (Aaron, 15:44, demonstrating the show’s irreverent sense of humor)

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7. Ending: The Patreon Tease

Timestamp: 15:46–End

• Aaron concludes the preview, inviting listeners to hear the full episode and draft competition by joining their Patreon:

  "Tune in maybe like another month or so and we'll have the 2025 sound all ready to go. But here's your draft … Hey Riddle Riddle's Clue crew, listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free 7 day trial at patreon.com/heyriddleriddle."

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Memorable Quotes

• Erin (on seeing Earth from space):

  "It looks like [Earth] glows from the inside." (02:39)

• Aaron (on Elon Musk):

  "The thing you have to know about him is he is a liar and a con man." (05:15)

• Erin (on billionaires):

  "It’s like being like, that alcoholic had a drink last night. They don’t want to drink anymore." (05:27)

• Aaron (on Mars vs. fixing Earth):

  "It would actually take more work to stop destroying the planet you live on than to turn a cold, dead rock into a planet you could maybe one day [live on]." (11:45)

• Erin (on podcast friendship):

  “What a miracle this is, that all three of us were born at the same time... This rocks.” (13:30)

• Aaron (on soundboard):

  "I'm really gonna miss a lot of the things that were on last year's." (15:11)

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Important Timestamps

• 01:41 — Host question: Would you go to space?
• 02:39 — Erin recounts astronaut encounter
• 05:15 — Aaron’s Musk critique
• 11:03 — Mars reality check
• 12:03 — Mars Draft setup
• 13:30 — Erin reflects on improbable friendship
• 15:06 — Soundboard jokes; draft about to begin

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Tone and Style

The conversation is quick-witted, self-deprecating, and thick with pop-culture references and improv energy. The trio bounces seamlessly between philosophical musings, playful banter, and bombastic sarcasm. Their chemistry and quick-fire riffing ensure that even when discussing serious topics, the overall feel remains light, irreverent, and delightfully silly.

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Summary

In this preview of “Mission to Mars Draft,” Hey Riddle Riddle’s hosts use their trademark comedic chaos to examine what it would mean to leave everything behind and build a new life on Mars—with all the far-fetched logistics and existential absurdities such a mission would entail. The preview builds anticipation for the Patreon-only competition, blending genuine curiosity about space with sharp commentary and plenty of laughs.

For the full draft and hearty laughs, listeners are encouraged to join their Patreon’s Clue Crew.

Transcript

[Aaron]

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[Aaron]

Aaron Adel, JPC I have a question for the two of you. Okay, A very important question. A question that could literally change the trajectory of your life.

[JPC]

Oh, he's getting down on one knee.

[Guest]

I can't wait to say no.

[Aaron]

Sorry, I A bee stung me and it hurts so fucking bad.

[JPC]

Back of the knee.

[Aaron]

Yes, got me in the back of the knee. I'm kind of getting into the fetal position right now.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

Take your time.

[JPC]

Take your time.

[Guest]

Please do your things.

[JPC]

Here, let me get some aloe. Oh, sorry, that's jalapeno juice.

[Guest]

How did you get some lime in that as well?

[Aaron]

Did you think? Ow. Okay. At least make me a spicy bargain.

[JPC]

There we go.

[Guest]

There we go.

[Aaron]

Have either one of you ever wanted to go to space?

[JPC]

Back when Nickelodeon Guts and all those kid game shows were on, I wanted to go to space camp really bad because space camp was always like a prize where they'd be like, you're gonna go to space camp in Texas, wherever. So I want to go to space camp, but I've never thought about going to space.

[Aaron]

Let's say, theoretically, it's not where we are right now, but let's just say in 15 years there have been many advances in space travel and not living in space or living on a colony or whatever, going to the moon, but going up into space would be a thing that was within an acceptable price range for you, and it had a proven track record. It was pretty safe. But you just kind of go up and come back down. You don't really do a lot. Is that something that you think that you would like to do.

[Guest]

Normally? Going to space and doing that feels like such a waste and none of my business. I can have an appreciation for space down here, but when I talked, I met that astronaut on the Joco cruise this year. And she was so kind and patient and let me ask her literally a trillion questions. And I was like, did it surprise you what Earth looked like from space? And she was like, I had seen clips of it a million times, but nothing prepares you for how beautiful it is. And she said that it looks like it glows from the inside. And when she said that, I was like, I would love to see Earth from space, but I don't want to use the resources and I don't want to put myself in that kind of danger.

[Aaron]

Yeah, but it's also. It's kind of like. Isn't it, like, the same, like, going to Spain when you're like, I have no reason to go to Spain, and it's like, yeah, and it takes a bunch of gas. I gotta burn a bunch of gas on a plane to get over to Spain.

[Guest]

It's just way more. And I don't want to risk people's lives going up to space.

[JPC]

I don't know.

[Guest]

I don't know.

[JPC]

I would say, final answer. I would go, but I want to make sure that Katy Perry wasn't on the same ship as me.

[Guest]

Yeah, I'm fucking walking off if she's holding that little flower. I saw that Halloween costume. Someone was Katy Perry, and some. Their girlfriend was the flower. And I was like, yes, it's such a good couple's costume.

[JPC]

Katie, look behind you. It's the most beautiful image you'll ever see, but you're looking at a camera with a little flower.

[Aaron]

I don't think I've ever, like, if I walked onto a plane and saw someone I hated on that plane, I don't think I'm like, I'm walking off this plane. I'm like, I actually need to be on this plane. I actually don't. I don't have a better option than to fly on a plane with a guy I don't like, you know?

[JPC]

Well, from what I've seen in TV and movies, on a plane, we're all facing forward the whole time in space. It feels like you're just kind of all loose and floating around.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[JPC]

So it's a little more.

[Guest]

It's like a soup.

[JPC]

A higher chance. It's like a soup.

[Aaron]

Yeah. And there's probably less people. I think it would have to, like, commercial space travel would have to come a long, long way. They'd have to make it as miserable as a commercial, like, air travel, because that's a fucking nightmare.

[JPC]

I have the middle seat to Mars.

[Aaron]

Oh, you're getting on a. You're getting on a spaceship, and you're like, the exit row has extra leg room. And they're like, no, we changed that. There's no more.

[Guest]

And you're watching fucking crazy rich Asians and drinking ginger ale, just smelling everyone's farts.

[Aaron]

There's, I think, Elon Musk has trumpeted.

[Guest]

On and on our favorite guy.

[Aaron]

He's one of our favorites, about going to Mars and about how he thinks it's like, Elon Musk. The thing you have to know about him is he is a liar and a con man.

[Guest]

No.

[Aaron]

Yeah. But he's convinced that we can make it to Mars.

[Guest]

But, like, can I say something really quick about my favorite Elon Musk moment of all time? He wasn't even there, but it was Joe Rogan talking about Elon Musk to a guy. And the guy was like, yeah, Elon Musk is like. He's. Everything he's doing for is for money. And then Joe Rogan was like, he has so much money. That guy doesn't want any more money. It's the funniest take I've ever seen. It's like being like, that alcoholic had a drink last night. They don't want to drink anymore. That gambling addict just went to Vegas.

[Aaron]

As we all know, with billionaires, they do come to a point where they have had enough money, and then they just kind of stop doing anything. They just kind of, like, float like they're in zero gravity.

[Guest]

Yeah. They feel satisfied and they start to.

[Aaron]

Give back their sims. Money meters all the way full. They. They don't want to give anything back, but they don't need to. The meter's full. They can't keep the bore full.

[JPC]

Gpz. You're talking about billionaires. But Elon is about to be a trillionaire.

[Aaron]

Can't wait.

[JPC]

So that's a whole new set of rules. Ah, nuts. I missed out on getting a worm this morning.

[Guest]

Wait, but you're. You talked all about wanting to be the early bird.

[JPC]

I know. Well, what I say and what I do is two different things. There's quite a discrepancy between the word.

[Aaron]

Until I tell you. You've been practicing the worm all year. You said you were gonna get out of bed, flop down on the floor, and start writhing around.

[Guest]

I know.

[JPC]

I love breakdancing, but I guess I didn't get it. I gotta get up more early. Oh, you know what else I need to do early? Acorns early.

[Aaron]

Ah. Oh, wait. You mean acorns early. The smart debit card and money app that grows kids money skills as they grow up that Acorns Early.

[JPC]

Yeah, when my kids get out of their eggs, out of the nest, I want them to be prepared and set up for success in the world.

[Guest]

That would have changed my life because I was growing up being like, why aren't they teaching us how to handle our finances in school? They're kind of just throwing us to the wolves when we turn 20 and I don't know anything about money. And if I had had Acorns early, this would have been way easier.

[Aaron]

Yeah. With Acorns early you start with the In App Chores tracker and teach your kids the value of a dollar. Then you can let your kids set their own saving goals and start building healthy bunny habits early. Kids can spend what they've earned with their very own customizable debit card giving them that extra sense of independence. But plus, with Acorns early spending limits and real time spin notifications, parents always stay in control.

[JPC]

What do squirrels do with acorns? Are those like their pillows? Is that their money?

[Guest]

These are really good questions.

[Aaron]

They treat them like pillows.

[Guest]

If your kid, I don't know, is starting a winter lemonade stand and you need to help them stretch that dollar, really start their business, Acorns early might be the answer.

[Aaron]

When my kids are old enough because they're not quite old enough yet, I'm definitely going to be using Acorns early to help teach them financial literacy. I've played around with this tool. It's really awesome and it teach a lot of great lessons for younger children to start with good money habits early.

[Guest]

On, ready to teach your kids the smart way to earn, save and spend? Get your first month on us when you head to acornserly.com heyriddle or download the Acorns Early App. That's one month free when you sign up at acornserly.com heYRiddle R I D.

[JPC]

D L E let's all say what kind of bird we are on three. One, two three A pretty Acorns are.

[Aaron]

Their religion for squirrels. Oh Acorns early is issued by Community Federal Savings Bank Member of FDIC pursuant to licensed by MasterCard International. Free trial for new subscribers only. Subscription fee Starting from $5 per month unless canceled Terms [e-mail] Earlyterms Aaron JPC Whoa.

[JPC]

What are you doing? I feel like I just saw you at home. Were you in my home?

[Guest]

Were you thinking you saw a photo of us on your aura frames? I mean we wear these clothes Every day. Like cartoons. So probably seems familiar.

[Aaron]

Yeah, cartoons do this too.

[JPC]

They simply must. I mean, that's how high the quality is on my aura frame that I thought you were actually, I've been talking to you guys for days.

[Guest]

Aww.

[Aaron]

Oh, yeah. You've just been talking to pictures of us. But aura frames fit so seamlessly into your home that you probably thought that we were right there along with you.

[JPC]

That must be it. And I don't know if you know this, but auraframes has unlimited free photos and videos. You can just download the aura app and connect to wi fi. One of my favorite features is also that you can add photos to other people's frames if you've gifted to them and they've given you access, which I think is just delightful.

[Guest]

And you can do little reactions on your aura frames being like, congratulations or that's a funny photo.

[Aaron]

Plus aura frames. If you buy one, the gift box is included, which is a big plus for me, who hates wrapping things. Every frame comes packaged in a premium gift box with no price tag. You can't wrap togetherness, but you can frame it. But I will warn you, they don't tell you this. Aura frames does not tell you this. But do not buy aura frames unless you want to be the number one grandson. I'm telling you, you're gonna be the number one grandson. And it's gonna be really hard if your grandparents have other grandsons because they're not gonna feel like they did their job.

[JPC]

And I will say I've given aura frames as gifts to several family members and it has gone over so well. Everyone I've given it to has been over the moon.

[Guest]

Yeah. And do you really wanna make your loved ones happy? What am I saying?

[Aaron]

For a limited time, visit auraframes.com and get $45 off Aura's best selling Carver Matte frames named number one by Wirecutter by using promo code riddle at checkout. That's a U R A frames.com, promo code RIDDLE. This exclusive black Friday cyber Monday deal is their best of the year, so order now before it ends. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply.

[JPC]

Aaron, I just added a photo to your aura frame. It's sort of a belt buckle. I think it's Ryan Rena.

[Guest]

Oh, I fell for it again. How did I fall for it again?

[Aaron]

Happy Christmas to us all. He seems to think Elon Musk. If you ask him that humans are going to Mars, he's like, yeah, it's an inevitability humans are going to Mars. But if you ask anyone, like any scientist, anyone who knows anything about space travel or space exploration or what it would take to live on Mars, any expert will basically tell you, no, there's no fucking way. There's absolutely no way that any human being could, like, live on Mars or build a colony on Mars. And then the one point which I think is the best point by far is the amount of work that you would have to do to just live on Mars. You live on a perfectly good planet.

[Guest]

Right now that you love to destroy.

[Aaron]

And it would actually take more work to stop destroying the planet you live on, or less work to stop destroying the planet you live on than to go turn a cold, dead rock into a planet that, like, you could maybe one day.

[JPC]

Nah, sorry, couldn't hear what you said. I was emptying 10 bottles of a hairspray into a bin.

[Aaron]

We're putting that reality aside. We're putting that reality completely aside. Sorry, I was too busy flying to Spain to just kind of see what it is. We're putting that reality aside and instead we are going to focus on a future in which we can go to Mars. And not only can we go to Mars, we should go to Mars. And the two of you are going to be basically competing in this draft of the best way to get to Mars.

[JPC]

Wow. Much like the movie with Matt Damon.

[Guest]

That'S called the Martian.

[JPC]

The Martian.

[Aaron]

Oh, I thought you were gonna. The Bourne Supremacy where he had to.

[Guest]

He had to, like, use gravity as, like a, like a momentum thing.

[Aaron]

So that, that is a fun thing about space travel. And with our understanding of how space travel works and how the planets are orbiting the sun, there are certain times where the path from Earth to Mars is way shorter. So under ideal circumstances, which you kind of have to wait for, you just have to wait for the planets to line up. It would take nine months to a year to get to Mars under ideal circumstances. So it's like, it's a pretty long trip out there and then once you're there, you're kind of fucked. Like, it's Mars. It is a cold, dead rock full of fucking razor sand. It's not a good place to set up.

[Guest]

What a miracle this is, that all three of us were born at the same time. And then there's billions of people on the planet. And then we found each other and decided to do this. This is crazy. The probability, math wise, that this would happen and the three of us would all be here. This rocks. This is amazing. Against all odds, against all Odds.

[Aaron]

That is really cool odds. Just.

[Guest]

Anyways, Mars is terrible.

[Aaron]

Mars is terrible and terrifying. But you guys are going there and you guys are going there permanently. This is a one way trip. And you have been commissioned to put together your exploration to get to Mars and to survive on Mars now.

[Guest]

And this is like a space race thing. I want to do a better job than ADOL in my draft.

[Aaron]

Yes. So Casey, at the very end of this, Casey is going to tell us he's going to be the judge and I will be recording what you draft. But Casey's going to be the judge and he is going to tell. Share his opinion on who he thinks put together the better. You know, in chance of. In terms of chances of survival or.

[Guest]

And this is a different Casey. This is like a NASA Casey that you've called in for this.

[Aaron]

Yeah, we'll call him Nasty Casey. Why not?

[Guest]

I like that.

[Aaron]

This will be Nasty Casey.

[Guest]

Perfect.

[JPC]

Isn't Casey too handsome to judge?

[Aaron]

All right.

[Guest]

Oh yeah. Isn't Casey too smart to judge?

[JPC]

Aaron, we just got nominated for a Tony.

[Aaron]

A Casey Tony, which is worth nothing. I do love. Wow, that was such a great setup. Or adol. Did you say that? Or was that part of Casey sound drop?

[JPC]

No, that was a. That was some sort of. Some sort of AI clip.

[Aaron]

Oh God. I love. I love having the soundboard is so fun. It's so fun.

[Guest]

Yeah. Again, a miracle. What are the chances that we'd all three be here with this soundboard? Unbelievable.

[Aaron]

What is going on? I've told myself that I have to stop doing this year's soundboard because I'm getting ready for next year's soundboard. So it's like, it's a bummer. I'm really gonna miss a lot of the. I'll give everybody here handjobs. I don't care. I'm gonna miss a lot of it. I'm miss a lot of the things that were on last year's.

[Guest]

It's mostly me stuff though. Jpc.

[Aaron]

I do use a lot of used stuff. But there's other stuff you use alcohol. Oh, cut that one off. Hold on. I got it. Because he took his damn dirty penis out. See, there's some.

[Guest]

You never use that one though.

[Aaron]

I never.

[JPC]

Do people fuck your boxes.

[Aaron]

So it doesn't matter. Tune in. Tune in maybe like another month or so and we'll have the 2025 sound all ready to go. But here's your draft. Okay? So 1, 2, 3, 4. Hey, Riddle. Riddle's Clue crew, listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free 7 day trial at patreon.com heyriddle riddle.