Patreon Preview #353: Deck the Hallmark

Summary

Hey Riddle Riddle – Patreon Preview #353: Deck the Hallmark

Release Date: December 12, 2025
Hosts: Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, John Patrick Coan
Special Guest(s): Harriet
Main Theme:
A playful, improv-heavy celebration (and gentle roast) of Hallmark Christmas movies, as the crew reimagines the classics with offbeat scenes, banter, and riffs on holiday movie tropes—all while poking fun at the overabundance, formulaic plots, and questionable production values of the Hallmark holiday canon.

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Episode Overview

The “Deck the Hallmark” episode dives into the world of Hallmark Christmas movies. Erin, a self-professed Hallmark fanatic, guides the team through a comedic improv exercise: the group is given actual Hallmark movie titles (some so generic or punny they’re almost parodies themselves), chooses one, and then performs a scene from somewhere within that imaginary movie. Along the way, the hosts gleefully lampoon Hallmark’s relentless output, Canadian filming locations, and the sometimes unintentional hilarity of these seasonal romances—all with their trademark quick wit and high-energy repartee.

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Key Discussion Points & Comedic Improv Highlights

1. Setting the Stage: Hallmark Christmas Madness

• Erin sets up the episode theme, outlining the decades-long, overwhelming volume of Hallmark Christmas movies:
  • "They have been cranking out Christmas movies at a pace never before seen." (00:17)
  • JPC riffs immediately: "Yeah, they Krampus those out." (00:39)
• The rules: Erin reads a list of real Hallmark titles, the group chooses one, and improvises a scene that could happen anywhere in that movie’s plot.

2. Meta Jokes & In-Jokes About Hallmark

• The team jokes about the ethical consumption of (non-union) Hallmark content via improv parody:

  • JPC: "This is the only ethical way to consume the Hallmark content is to listen to us do improv scenes about the movies." (01:22)

• Cobbling together content:

  • "And we'll do this type of episode enough times to where you could cobble together 90 minutes of each title." – Aaron (01:33)

• Ongoing riffing on Canadian filming locations and union-busting:

  • Harriet: "They cobble, cobble, cobble. That is all they're doing is cobbling in a warehouse somewhere in Canada." (01:45)
  • JPC: "If you shoot in Canada in the winter, like the union virus is killed immediately." (01:58)

3. Improv Game: Choose and Perform a Hallmark Movie Scene

Setup (04:16)

• Erin: "Here are your options for actual Hallmark Christmas movie titles..."
  • Operation Christmas
  • The Christmas Cure
  • Finding Father Christmas

JPC Chooses Finding Father Christmas (05:21)

• They clarify the awkwardness of the title, with jokes about how it could be a horror/mystery.

Impromptu Improv Scene: The Hunt for Santa (05:25–10:00)

• JPC launches into a gritty, Law & Order-style monologue:
  • "The man we are hunting has a bushy white beard, a red hat and red suit with white trim... This man killed his wife." – JPC (05:25)
• Harriet jumps in as a no-nonsense agent:
  • "When we find him and we shoot him, are we trying to use him for meat?" (06:04)
• The scene morphs into a darkly comic procedural briefing at the "North Pole," with the task force assigned to bring down an immortal Santa.
• JPC spins Santa into an immortal, dangerous figure with an elaborate (and dark) mythos:
  • "Any wound that Santa suffers, he will live with until it can be healed by the natural means of time that all of us possess." (07:31)
• The team invents lore about why the agents are all irredeemable (and thus safe from Santa’s manipulation), poking fun at “the naughty list” as a concept.
• Highlights the absurd potential of Hallmark titles—what if Santa were actually a wanted fugitive?

4. Bantery Asides and Personal Jokes

• Harriet invents the "callback resignation":
  • "I think I'm done with callbacks from now on. I did my time with callbacks. I did my time with thinking." (03:03)
• “Offer only” actor jokes:
  • "Please don't offer me any roles. I don't want to be in stuff." – Harriet (03:32)
• Friendly digs about why each person might be on the "naughty list":
  • Harriet: "Mine's cause I'm a bad person. Yours is pervert stuff." (04:11)

5. Absurd Escalation: Polar Bear Interruptions and Surreal Tangents

• The “hunt for Santa” improv escalates as agents are picked off by polar bears.
  • Host Aaron: "Another polar bear dragged off an agent." (08:00)
• Deadpan delivery and quick character switches keep the scene chaotic and lively.
  • Harriet: "Sir, if you hurt our feelings and we all need to sort of take a break, could we take five?" (09:18)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Parodying Hallmark Logic
  • JPC: "Operation Christmas, which I think has to be out because there's gotta be like some sort of military industrial complex angle on that one." (04:46)
• Meta-Improvisation
  • JPC: "Santa cannot die, but he also cannot heal. Any wound that Santa suffers, he will live with until it can be healed by the natural means of time that all of us possess." (07:31)
• Callback Fatigue
  • Harriet: "I did my time with callbacks. I did my time with thinking... I'm done." (03:03)
• Offer-Only Comic Persona
  • Harriet: "Please don't offer me any roles. I don't want to be in stuff." (03:32)
• Naughty List Sarcasm
  • Host Aaron: "Let's see. I'm checking my list here... You're both on the naughty list." (03:45)
• Surreal Scene Turns
  • Host Aaron: "Oh, polar bear's got Jeffrey." (10:00)

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Important Segment Timestamps

| Segment | Topic/Activity | Timestamps | |---------|---------------|------------| | Hallmark setup and premise explained | 00:17–01:22 | | Improv rules/game introduced | 01:22–02:29 | | Hallmark title selection (Finding Father Christmas) | 04:16–05:25 | | Main improv scene (Santa as fugitive) | 05:25–10:00 | | Callback/“offer only” banter | 03:03–03:39 | | Naughty list bit evolves | 03:45–04:16; 04:41–05:23 | | Surreal escalation (polar bear attacks) | 08:00–10:00 |

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Tone & Style

The episode is breezy, anarchic, and relentlessly silly—true to Hey Riddle Riddle’s signature improv-driven style. The hosts lean hard into both the satire and absurdism of the Hallmark holiday movie formula, letting each other riff, escalate, and zigzag without restraint. The episode balances quick-fire jokes, meta-commentary on the entertainment industry, and pure improvisational mayhem.

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Summary for New Listeners

If you’ve never listened before, this episode offers a concentrated dose of Hey Riddle Riddle’s formula: playful jabs at pop culture, over-the-top improvisation, and camaraderie among the hosts. You don’t need to know or care about Hallmark movies to enjoy their lampooning of predictable tropes and the absurdity that ensues when comedians are set loose with only a movie title to inspire them.

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Listen to more bonus episodes by joining the Clue Crew at patreon.com/heyriddleriddle.

Transcript

[McDonald's Announcer]

Quick, choose a meal deal with McValue. The $5 McChicken meal deal, the $6 McDouble meal deal or the new $7 Daily Double meal deal. Each with its own small fries, drink and four piece of McNuggets. There's actually no rush.

[JPC]

I'm just excited for McDonald's for a limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Not the algae McDelivery.

[Host Aaron]

Well, I wanted to do something to celebrate Christmas specifically because I'm such a fan of Hallmark and the movies they make. And they've made a lot of Christmas movies starting in the year 2000 all the way up until today. They have been cranking out. They do crank them. Cranking. They've been cranking out Christmas movies at a pace never before seen.

[JPC]

I want to say, yeah, they Krampus those out.

[Host Aaron]

They really krampus those out. So what I want to do is almost like a. Almost like a public access situation. I have a list of some of the best named Christmas Hallmark movies fun from 2000 to 2025. I'm going to read a couple of them off to you. You're going to choose which one you want to see a scene from. And then we are going to see a scene probably that happened in that movie. You can have that scene be up top in the movie, halfway through the movie, maybe the climactic denouement, whatever you want to do. We could see a scene from anywhere in that movie. Does that make sense?

[JPC]

Keep in mind that every one of those Hallmark productions is all non union. They're all scabs. So this is the only ethical way to consume the Hallmark content is to listen to us do improv scenes about the movies.

[Host Aaron]

And we'll do this type of episode enough times to where you could cobble together 90 minutes of each title. I think.

[JPC]

Yeah, they don't cobble together 90 minutes. Right. Hallmark movie. They're lucky.

[Harriet]

Oh, they be cobbling. They cobble, cobble, cobble. That is all they're doing is cobbling in a warehouse somewhere in Canada.

[Host Aaron]

Is Hallmark Canadian?

[Harriet]

No, they just film a lot there, don't they?

[JPC]

You have to shoot in Canada, I think to get around the like the union rules or whatever. I think of unions can't survive below like a certain temperature. And so if you, if you shoot in Canada in the winter, like the union virus is killed immediately.

[Host Aaron]

We'll call this whole production deck the Hallmark.

[Harriet]

Yay.

[Host Aaron]

Because I think that. Thank you. I think that's very.

[JPC]

Why is that a pun?

[Host Aaron]

In line with some of the titles, some of the titles we have here because some are puns.

[JPC]

Deck the Hallmark. Aaron. Is that a pun? It's no Christmas song.

[Harriet]

Deck the Hallmark. You're a dummy.

[JPC]

We're not supposed to know Christmas music this episode. Supposed to think it's Halloween music. Oh.

[Host Aaron]

Oh.

[JPC]

Oh, no. You're fucked.

[Host Aaron]

Rapping in the lab.

[Harriet]

Yeah, I was gonna say they did the hall. They decked the halls last night.

[Host Aaron]

They decked the halls.

[JPC]

Who would. It's only been five minutes. Harriet, you forgot the bit.

[Harriet]

I think I'm done with callbacks from now on. I think they're too much for my little brain. I did my time with callbacks. I did my time with thinking. I was on the side of every improv show for years being like wom. Remembering everyone's names. Everyone's.

[JPC]

Wait, can you do that sound again? That sounds more like the Christmas music.

[Host Aaron]

The sound of the sleigh and I think I'm done.

[Harriet]

I think I'm done.

[Host Aaron]

Aaron. Done with callbacks. Are you offer only?

[Harriet]

Yes.

[Host Aaron]

Okay.

[Harriet]

Please don't offer me any roles. I don't want to be in stuff.

[JPC]

And she'll audition once. She'll do a self tape, but she'll do no callback.

[Host Aaron]

Audition but not a callback.

[Harriet]

I say you get what you get, but you don't get upset. That's what I say.

[Host Aaron]

Let's see. I'm checking my list here. It can't be right. Let me check it again. Okay, you're both on the naughty list. So that makes sense for me maybe. Let's just have. Who's been more egregiously naughty?

[JPC]

Gotta be me.

[Host Aaron]

Yeah. Jpc. Let's have you go first. Are you ready?

[Harriet]

Pervert stuff though, huh?

[Host Aaron]

Jpc.

[JPC]

Shame me for getting on the naughty list the only way I know how. We're both on there.

[Harriet]

Yeah, but mine's cause I'm a bad person like me. Yours is pervert stuff.

[Host Aaron]

Gpc. Here are your options for actual Hallmark Christmas movie titles that we will see a scene from.

[JPC]

Love it.

[Host Aaron]

Your options are Operation Christmas, the Christmas Curer and Finding Father.

[JPC]

Christmas Curer is spelled C U R E R.

[Host Aaron]

C U R E R.

[JPC]

How is it spelled? What is curer?

[Host Aaron]

Oh, sorry. The Christmas Curer.

[JPC]

C U R E. Oh, it's just cure. Okay, that actually makes way more sense because the Christmas Curer is a. It's like rural juror level of like magic. So it's Operation Christmas, which I think has to be out because I feel like there's gotta be like some sort of military industrial complex. Angle on that one.

[Host Aaron]

Or surgery.

[JPC]

Yeah, that's right. It could be surgery. The last one you said was Finding Father Christmas.

[Host Aaron]

Yep. Operation Christmas. The Christmas cure. Finding Father Christmas.

[JPC]

I gotta go. Finding Father Christmas.

[Host Aaron]

All right.

[JPC]

The man we are hunting has a bushy white beard, a red hat and red suit with white trim and shiny black buttons. I know what you're thinking. Wouldn't he have shaved? Wouldn't he have changed his suit? He cannot. He will not. He must not. He must be caught. This man killed his wife.

[Harriet]

And when we find him.

[JPC]

I don't care. Wait, I'm sorry. Hold on. I'm sorry. I was anticipating another question. You have a question, I got a question.

[Harriet]

When we find him and we shoot him, are we trying to use him for meat? Or can we just sort of shoot wherever?

[JPC]

Ha, ha. Big laugh. Big laugh from all the U.S. marshals when we find him.

[Harriet]

This is an immortal we're hunting. He's wearing full hunting gear. He's not in the military at all. Oh, I guess I did need context.

[JPC]

The U.S. the U.S. marshals. Since we are here in the North Pole, the U.S. marshals have contracted some local hunters to help us find this creature. Now, I will say, legend has it that this is an immortal being, so do not worry about killing him when you shoot him. You can only wing this creature through. He cannot die until the United States government says that he can die.

[Host Aaron]

Oh, wow. It's like a wolverine situation.

[JPC]

Who said that? Who said that?

[Host Aaron]

Me. Me.

[JPC]

Sir, this is not a Weapon X from Canada Wolverine situation. Wolverine was made in a lab by William Stryker, A bad man. This creature has existed across the millennia and was invented by the whims of German children's dreams.

[Host Aaron]

Sir, with all respect, it sounds like Santa has a healing factor. Which would be in line with Weapon X's MO we have to assume he has some sort of metallic coating to his bones.

[JPC]

I'm sorry if I misinformed y'. All. Santa cannot die, but he also cannot heal. Any wound that Santa suffers, he will live with until it can be healed by the natural means of time that all of us possess.

[Host Aaron]

Oh, so we just cut them up into little pieces?

[JPC]

Hold on. Now we actually have to find the guy first. Okay. And might I remind you, he killed his wife. That's why we're all hunting him. They don't have any questions about that.

[Host Aaron]

Another polar bear dragged off an agent.

[JPC]

I don't care. Wait. I'm sorry.

[Host Aaron]

Whoa. That was kind of a. I would have thought it'd be a different scream. I guess it seemed I've never been taken by.

[JPC]

Whoa. I know, I know it gets lonely up here for you, man. Up here in the South Pole or the North Pole or wherever it is, we are done.

[Harriet]

Got me.

[JPC]

That was the hunter. That was the hunter from before. I feel like they got an agreement.

[Host Aaron]

Pulling out a bottle of wine.

[JPC]

Hunter slipping off his wedding ring as he starts.

[Harriet]

Are we at any risk of Santa sort of manipulating us? Using details about our life to make it so we don't kill him? Reminding us that we'll be on the naughty list. Letting us know he sees us when he's sleeping and he knows when we're awake?

[JPC]

Absolutely. All of you men were chosen from a specific purpose because none of y' all are redeemable. All of you are naughty to your core. And Santa will not be able to manipulate you because you have nothing. No one. And nothing to come home, too.

[Host Aaron]

Sir, I have chucked every doghouse, every dog house, every dog house, and wink, wink, Every dog house.

[JPC]

Oh, okay. And you still can't find my cell phone. Yeah, I know I put it somewhere. Thank you for interrupting the meeting for that, but just keep looking, I guess.

[Harriet]

Sir, if you hurt our feelings and we all need to sort of take a break, could we take five?

[JPC]

What's your name? What's your name?

[Harriet]

Jeffrey.

[JPC]

Your name's Jeffrey?

[Harriet]

Yeah.

[JPC]

Jeffrey, you just made my naughty list, sir.

[Harriet]

Sorry, sir.

[JPC]

Oh, sorry's not gonna cut it. Jeffrey. You're gonna be on reindeer duty. Now, I know that Santa famously can survive in any conditions, but like any living creature, he needs warmth. So my guess is that he's cutting these motherfuckers open like Tom Toms and. And hiding inside of them.

[Host Aaron]

Oh, polar bear's got Jeffrey.

[Harriet]

Oh, no. What a lie.

[JPC]

I mean, what is it with this polar bear? 1, 2, 3, 4. Hate Riddle. Riddle's Clue crew. Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free 7 day trial at patreon.com heyriddle riddle.

[Nicole Byer]

Hi, I'm Nicole Byer. Hi, I'm Sasheer Zamada, and this is the podcast Best Friends. And we're here at Headgum. So this is just a podcast where we just talk? Yeah, we're best friends. We talk and then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries so audience members can ask questions about friendships and we can answer them to the best of our abilities. Yes, we are professional friends. We are professional friends. Subscribe to Best Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Cast, or wherever you get your podcast and watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday. That's the middle of a work week. I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing.

[JPC]

You are.

[Nicole Byer]

I'm really sorry.

[JPC]

The support.

[Nicole Byer]

I was so okay. I was trying to be supportive.

[Host Aaron]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

But I was like.

[Host Aaron]

Well, no.

[Nicole Byer]

Reading seems pretty hard right now.

[Harriet]

It's a lot.

[JPC]

I think. You did good.

[Host Aaron]

Thank you so much.

[Harriet]

You're welcome.