Pete (1:43)

Yeah, for sure, for sure. Because It's. It's. It's December 26th, you know, like, it's. It's the Friday after Christmas.

Greg (New VP) (1:52)

Well, Friday after Christmas is still a Friday. Did you hear what happened with Folgers?

Pete (1:56)

We all. Yeah, heard what happened.

Pete's Wife/Sister (1:58)

Honey, is that the new VP of your company? Why are you on the phone?

Pete (2:01)

Yeah. Cause he sent me a. He sent me a Slack message.

Pete's Wife/Sister (2:03)

Like what?

Pete (2:05)

Asking for me to. Yeah, exactly.

Pete's Wife/Sister (2:07)

This is the guy who did the incest ad with the siblings who were in love. He's the one who greenlit it.

Pete (2:12)

This is the. Yeah, this is the guy. And this is the guy who greenlit the incest version that they ended up not making.

Greg (New VP) (2:17)

Hello?

Pete (2:17)

God.

Pete's Wife/Sister (2:18)

Okay, well, did you tell him that? No, One slacks during this time. This is what, family time?

Narrator/Announcer (2:22)

Hello?

Pete (2:22)

Hey, Pete. I'm here with my sister. My wife. I'm here with my wife. Oh, boy.

Greg (New VP) (2:28)

So I'm guessing you really enjoy my ad.

Pete (2:32)

Well, no.

Narrator/Announcer (2:33)

1.

Pete (2:33)

Technically.

Greg (New VP) (2:33)

The best part of waking up is seeing your sibling in the bed. They wouldn't use that song. They would not use that song. Unbelievable.

Pete (2:44)

There's probably a lot of reasons why they'd ever end up using that song. Pete, here at Coffee Mate, we don't. We do things.

Greg (New VP) (2:52)

Coffee Mate sounds Australian.

Pete (2:54)

It is Australian. And you, please don't let them catch you downstairs.

Greg (New VP) (2:57)

I must have missed that I call.

Pete's Wife/Sister (2:59)

What are you doing?

Pete (3:01)

Go back to bed. Get the bed warmed up for me, baby.

Pete's Wife/Sister (3:03)

Okay. I'll call mom first. I'll let her know how we're doing.

Greg (New VP) (3:07)

Let me do this. Let's meet in a Walmart parking lot, we both bring our laptops, and let's pound this out.

Pete (3:12)

First of all, the only pounding out that I'm gonna do this weekend.

Greg (New VP) (3:17)

Careful.

Pete (3:17)

Is with my wife. I mean, my sister. I mean, Folger's coffee is so good. This is Coffee Mate. This is a different company. We do not do work between Christmas and New Year. It's just not. It's not. The report will not be on your desk until after the New Year.

Greg (New VP) (3:34)

Oh. I guess I.

Pete (3:35)

And I thought Doug and Linda would have made that clear when they kind of brought you on board.

Greg (New VP) (3:40)

Yeah, I guess I thought there were more suggestions than hard and fast rules. Because coming from Folgers, I guess we have.

Pete (3:47)

That's why you got fired.

Greg (New VP) (3:49)

Coming from Folgers. Well, I did suggest a hornet coffee, which they poo pooed.

Pete (3:56)

You also suggested a poo poo coffee, too.

Greg (New VP) (3:58)

Well, that's most coffees. Diuretics.

Pete (4:01)

Oh, diuretics. I thought you were.

Pete's Wife/Sister (4:03)

Give me the phone. Give me the. Excuse me.

Greg (New VP) (4:06)

Hello?

Pete's Wife/Sister (4:07)

Yes, this is Peter's wife. I mean, sister. I mean, mom. I mean, best friend.

Penelope (4:12)

I mean, hold on.

Beck Bennett (4:13)

Right?

Penelope (4:14)

Live in girlfriend. I.

Pete's Wife/Sister (4:17)

Sorry. I don't know if you're new to this or what the policy was at your last company, but this is a sacred time of year. This is a time where time slows down and speeds up, where nothing quite makes sense and the laws of physics do not apply. We don't send an email, if that's even what it's called anymore, a slack message. We don't ping anyone during this time. Do you understand me?

Greg (New VP) (4:42)

What about circling back?

Pete's Wife/Sister (4:44)

We do not circle back during this time. By December 26th. Through what?

Pete (4:52)

Give me the Phone. Give me the phone. Give me the phone.

Pete's Wife/Sister (4:53)

What? Ow. Ow, Ow.

Greg (New VP) (4:56)

Kiss and then ow.

Pete (4:57)

I've got something.

Greg (New VP) (4:58)

Yeah.

Narrator/Announcer (5:00)

Coffee Mate. This is the time of the year where we don't circle back, we don't follow up, and we don't answer our phones, slacks or emails. We just put some coffee Mate and a cup of coffee and enjoy time with our families. I mean wife. I mean sister. I mean mother.

Greg (New VP) (5:22)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's it. That's it. You cracked it. Okay, you know what? No work today. Set down the phone. Leave it off the receiver. You two have sex, leave the phone off the hook. Put the receiver down so I can hear.

Pete's Wife/Sister (5:34)

We know what you're putting down and we are picking it up.

Narrator/Announcer (5:37)

The best part of waking up is your sibling.

Penelope (5:44)

Folgers Coffee definitely endorses this. They so love this kind of thing.

Narrator/Announcer (5:49)

Folgers Coffee and Coffee Mate. There hasn't been a better pair since you and your sister.

Greg (New VP) (5:54)

Coffee Mate. Have coffee, then fuck your mate.

Beck Bennett (6:00)

Hi, I'm Beck Bennett.

Kyle Mooney (6:01)

I thought I was Beck Bennett.

Beck Bennett (6:02)

No, no, no, no. It's all.

Kyle Mooney (6:03)

You're Kyle Mooney.

Beck Bennett (6:04)

Sorry about that. Exactly. No, all good. All good.

Narrator/Announcer (6:06)

Thanks, buddy.

Kyle Mooney (6:06)

Yeah.

Beck Bennett (6:07)

And we host the show what's our podcast here on Head Gum.

Kyle Mooney (6:10)

But we want to make sure you heard about a very special episode with a very special guest that we just released. In the feed.

Beck Bennett (6:14)

Yeah, it's in the feed. It was sponsored by Squarespace because they were appalled. They were. That we didn't have a website for our show yet. They were like, you don't have a website?

Kyle Mooney (6:22)

What are you guys, like kindergarteners?

Beck Bennett (6:24)

They wanted to do something about that. So we built a flawless, beautiful, perfectly designed website live on the pod with our very special guest and very web savvy guest. Should we tell them who it was?

Kyle Mooney (6:35)

We could play 20 questions.

Beck Bennett (6:37)

I don't think we have time for that.

Kyle Mooney (6:38)

Is it Person?

Beck Bennett (6:39)

No, it's not.

Kyle Mooney (6:41)

It's Finn Wolfhard. But Finn had a bunch of great ideas for the website. Beck, you had some amazing ideas for the website.

Pete's Wife/Sister (6:46)

Thanks, Ben.

Beck Bennett (6:46)

You had some amazing ideas.

Kyle Mooney (6:47)

Well, I was sort of driving the thing. I was sort of like clicking and.

Beck Bennett (6:50)

And I was like, let's put a little. Let's put some widgets in there. I was talking about widgets.

Kyle Mooney (6:53)

You kept on using that phrase, widgets.

Beck Bennett (6:55)

Yeah, there's all sorts of stuff there. You might want to check out the hippo. Just go check out the website.

Kyle Mooney (7:00)

Just know that there's a hippo video and know that you're going to Want to watch that? We had a lot of fun making this episode. We had a lot of fun making this website. I think you're going to have a fun time listening to it and maybe watching it. Think of it as our. A little Christmas present to you or.

Beck Bennett (7:13)

Yeah, yeah. This is a gift for you. Okay. It's just like it's a selfless thing we did for you.

Kyle Mooney (7:18)

Thanks to Squarespace for making us build a website sponsoring the episode and for supporting creators across the headgum network.

Beck Bennett (7:23)

Go check out the bonus episode. What's our website from? What's our podcast on YouTube or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Kyle Mooney (7:30)

Go to squarespace.com beckandkyle for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code beckandkyle.

Beck Bennett (7:38)

Yes, sir.

Kyle Mooney (7:38)

To save 10% off your first purchase.

Nicole Byer (7:41)

Of a website automate.

Narrator/Announcer (7:42)

Get it, Kyle. It's funny. I'm always thinking about it this time of year, but I'm not as young as I once was. But I care a lot about maintaining my physical and mental wellness. Which means Cornbread Hemp's CBD gummies are a huge piece of my wellness plan.

Pete (7:57)

It's so funny.

Narrator/Announcer (7:57)

I have no idea why it gets to be this time of year. And I'm thinking about how I'm not as young as I once was.

Greg (New VP) (8:04)

Oh, same girl.

Penelope (8:05)

Same.

Greg (New VP) (8:05)

But also jpc, your birthday's in December.

Narrator/Announcer (8:07)

Okay, that makes sense.

Greg (New VP) (8:08)

Well, jpc, someone left something under the tree called Cornbread Hemp CBD gummies. Have you heard of these? You seen these?

Narrator/Announcer (8:17)

Uh huh. Yes, I have.

Greg (New VP) (8:19)

They're made to help you feel better, whether it's stress, discomfort, the encroaching clock.

Penelope (8:26)

Of aging, or relaxation.

Greg (New VP) (8:28)

Relaxation. I use Cornbread Hemp CBD and gpc. Let me just say, toss one in my mouth, I chew it, I swallow it, and suddenly I'm at peace. And I'm old as hell.

Penelope (8:41)

All products are third party lab tested in USDA organic to ensure safety and purity. So you can relax. Relax.

Pete (8:49)

Okay.

Narrator/Announcer (8:49)

You guys might be onto something with this comprehensive gummy.

Greg (New VP) (8:53)

John Travolta.

Penelope (8:55)

John Travolta cbd. That's awesome.

Narrator/Announcer (8:59)

And right now. Hey, Riddle. Riddle listeners can save 30% on their first order. Just head to cornbreadhemp.com riddle and use code RIDDLE at checkout. That's cornbreadhemp.com RIDDLE and use code riddle.

Greg (New VP) (9:12)

Ah. Age is nothing but a number. A number of years I've been on Earth.

Narrator/Announcer (9:17)

Years are also nothing but physical manifestations of time passing.

Greg (New VP) (9:22)

I feel okay.

Narrator/Announcer (9:23)

I feel okay.

Penelope (9:33)

Hey, Santa.

Narrator/Announcer (9:34)

Yeah.

Penelope (9:35)

Santa, we have dinner with the bunnies at like, 5pm tonight, and I really, really, really, really want to get a head start in putting the Christmas decorations away.

Pete's Wife/Sister (9:47)

Oh.

Penelope (9:48)

So if you want to run up to the attic, grab the boxes, I'm gonna start on some banana bread for tonight.

Narrator/Announcer (9:54)

I just opened a course.

Penelope (9:57)

Can you. Can you remember if they're allergic to nuts? Can you get up, please?

Narrator/Announcer (10:01)

I worked all day. We can't. We can't do this, like, next week.

Penelope (10:07)

Yesterday was planned three weeks ago, baby. Santa.

Narrator/Announcer (10:10)

Come on, baby. Don't I make. I made my plans three centuries ago. I mean, it's every Christmas.

Penelope (10:16)

Yeah, you work one day a year.

Narrator/Announcer (10:19)

And it's hard work all day.

Penelope (10:21)

Come on.

Narrator/Announcer (10:22)

I'll be good in like. Oh, can I get an hour? I just want to watch 45 minutes. Let me watch one episode of Bones.

Penelope (10:30)

No. Your doctor said that the reason why your body takes such a beating after this is because you're drinking all of that milk in all of those cookies. You know that parents assume that they have to be the ones to eat that, right? You don't have to be doing that.

Narrator/Announcer (10:43)

You don't even like the bunnies. You don't even like the bunnies.

Penelope (10:45)

Don't say that.

Greg (New VP) (10:46)

Hop, hop.

Penelope (10:47)

Oh, they're here.

Narrator/Announcer (10:48)

Oh, my God.

Greg (New VP) (10:49)

Sorry. The window was open, so I just crawled through.

Narrator/Announcer (10:51)

Hi.

Penelope (10:52)

Come on in. Hi, Easter bunny.

Narrator/Announcer (10:54)

There's a window open. We're at the fucking North Pole. The window open.

Penelope (10:58)

Thank you so much for coming up here. How was your Christmas?

Greg (New VP) (11:01)

Thanks for hosting. Next time we. We have to do our hovel. Of course you guys are avoiding it. Christmas was good. Santa, you must be. You must be tuckered out.

Narrator/Announcer (11:14)

Oh, yeah, well, you know. No.

Penelope (11:19)

Santa, why don't you make the bunnies? The Easter bunnies a cocktail?

Greg (New VP) (11:22)

Ooh, that would be great.

Narrator/Announcer (11:24)

What about having just this open cores I already opened so I don't have to get up off the couch.

Penelope (11:27)

He's kidding.

Pete's Wife/Sister (11:28)

He's joking.

Penelope (11:28)

Get up.

Narrator/Announcer (11:29)

Yeah, I'll make you.

Pete (11:30)

What.

Narrator/Announcer (11:31)

What do you drink? What do you. What's your drink, buddy?

Greg (New VP) (11:33)

Anything with egg whites. Now, I feel like a lot of people compare us, Santa, but it feels like, you know, I. Year round, I source eggs.

Pete's Wife/Sister (11:44)

Yeah.

Greg (New VP) (11:45)

I paint them. Have to get a lot of. No two can look the same.

Pete's Wife/Sister (11:48)

You're amazing.

Greg (New VP) (11:49)

No two can look the same. Right. So a real artist, you know, I.

Penelope (11:52)

Have to make sure you're writing rhyming riddles all year for these Easter bag Easter hunts. This is like.

Greg (New VP) (11:58)

And do you know how Hard it is to just brainstorm hiding places, Santa?

Narrator/Announcer (12:02)

Yeah.

Greg (New VP) (12:04)

I guess.

Narrator/Announcer (12:05)

I.

Greg (New VP) (12:05)

Sorry, Penelope.

Nicole Byer (12:07)

Oh, sorry.

Penelope (12:09)

He's joking. This is a bit that he's been working on. And it didn't land.

Narrator/Announcer (12:13)

No, it didn't land.

Kyle Mooney (12:15)

No.

Narrator/Announcer (12:15)

Yes. It goes over better with the elves.

Pete (12:18)

Sorry.

Narrator/Announcer (12:18)

You said you want an eggnog or.

Greg (New VP) (12:20)

Eggnog would be great. Did Penelope tell you that we used to date?

Penelope (12:24)

We used to date back in the day when we were all at mythical creature school. I mean, we all got around, but I in particular got around.

Narrator/Announcer (12:32)

I didn't know that. No, Mrs. Claus, I didn't. I did not. She never mentioned.

Penelope (12:38)

Honey, if you want to go back to bed and rest, maybe the three of us can go dancing. Me and the bunnies.

Narrator/Announcer (12:43)

Thank God. Yes. Yes.

Penelope (12:45)

Fight for me.

Pete's Wife/Sister (12:47)

What are you.

Penelope (12:47)

Me no hunt, Hugh. Well.

Narrator/Announcer (12:51)

God damn it. God damn it. That little rabbit punched me. Oh, it hurts.

Penelope (12:56)

That little rabbit is the Easter Bunny. And he doesn't use working one day a year as an excuse to not be there.

Greg (New VP) (13:04)

Wow. See, Claire, that's how you advocate for someone. Thank you, Penelope.

Penelope (13:08)

Fuck you.

Greg (New VP) (13:09)

Oh, Claire. Fuck me.

Penelope (13:10)

I'll kill you. Oh, my God, I'll kill you. I can hear everything you say. And I can hear all the porn you're watching.

Greg (New VP) (13:16)

$5,000 a day online shopping habit is killing me.

Penelope (13:19)

Oh, it doesn't even. That's nickels in comparison to your gambling addiction. You pretend you're in a different state so you can gamble. You've got a problem.

Greg (New VP) (13:27)

I'll take one of those. Santa. I'll take one of those.

Penelope (13:30)

Course, yeah, I'll take one, too. You married to the Easter Bunny? What a fucking loser. He's a loser, he wears a bow tie and I hate him.

Greg (New VP) (13:39)

I think it looks nice.

Penelope (13:41)

It looks like shit. You're creepy, you're weird. No one wants a picture of you at the mall.

Greg (New VP) (13:46)

Creepy.

Narrator/Announcer (13:48)

Hey, hey.

Greg (New VP) (13:48)

I'm sorry. A six foot three rabbit is creepy?

Narrator/Announcer (13:51)

Oh, oh, hold on, hold on. Okay, Look, Santa's tired. Everybody seems to, you know, maybe, maybe be at each other's throats a little bit. Why don't we all sit down?

Greg (New VP) (14:06)

Why?

Pete's Wife/Sister (14:06)

Did I.

Penelope (14:07)

Did I. It's the leprechauns. Did we miss our invite?

Greg (New VP) (14:10)

Turn up the lights.

Penelope (14:11)

Turn off the lights.

Greg (New VP) (14:12)

Everyone would be cool.

Penelope (14:12)

Everyone will Turn up them.

Pete (14:14)

1, 2, 3, 4.

Narrator/Announcer (14:15)

Hey, Riddle.

Pete (14:16)

Riddle's Clue crew.

Narrator/Announcer (14:21)

Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free seven day trial at patreon.com heyriddle riddle.

Nicole Byer (14:30)

Hi, I'm Nicole Byer. Hi, I'm Sasheer Zamada. And this is the podcast Best Friends. And we're here at Headgum. So this is just a podcast where we just talk? Yeah, we're best friends. Yeah, we talk. And then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries so audience members can ask questions about friendships, and we can answer them to the best of our abilities. Yes, we are professional friends. We are professional friends. Subscribe to Best Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Cast, or wherever you get your podcasts. And watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday. That's the middle of a work week. I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing.

Penelope (15:17)

You were.

Nicole Byer (15:18)

I'm really sorry. I felt the support. I was so okay. I was trying to be supportive.

Narrator/Announcer (15:23)

Yeah.

Nicole Byer (15:23)

But I was like, I don't know. Reading seems pretty hard right now. It's a lot.

Narrator/Announcer (15:26)

I think.

Pete's Wife/Sister (15:27)

You did good.

Nicole Byer (15:27)

Thank you so much.

Pete's Wife/Sister (15:28)

You're welcome.