Loading summary
Pete
Quick.
Narrator/Announcer
Choose a meal deal with McValue. The $5 McChicken meal deal, the $6 McDouble meal deal, or the new $7 Daily Double meal deal, each with its own small fries, drink, and four piece of McNuggets. There's actually no rush. I'm just excited for McDonald's for a limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Not by Alder McDelivery.
Nicole Byer
Early birds always rise to the occasion for summer vacation planning because early gets you closer to the action. So don't be late. Book your next vacation early on VRBO and save over $530 on week long stays. Average savings, $550. Select homes only, minimum.
Greg (New VP)
All right, let me type up a Slack message here to send to a coworker. Are you getting that file done today? I would like it in my inbox. And send. Hello?
Pete
Hey, man, this is Pete. You just sent me a message.
Greg (New VP)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pete
Oh, yeah, yeah. You're. You're Greg. You're the new vice president, right?
Greg (New VP)
Yeah, that's right. Vp.
Pete
Yeah. Vp. We haven't met officially.
Greg (New VP)
Nice to officially meet you.
Pete
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Greg (New VP)
Usually I say e meet you if it's on an email and everyone.
Pete
Yeah, don't worry about that, Pete.
Greg (New VP)
Nice to e meet you. It's nice to finally e meet you.
Pete
Have you. Have you. And you've had the whole. The full orientation, right. Doug and Linda. And they kind of walked you through.
Greg (New VP)
Everything for the most part. I mean, I was. I was CEO of Folgers before this, so I kind of. I feel like I'm landing on my feet, obviously, Disgrace. From that position. So we don't have to get into that. That's why I'm not president. But I do feel like I. I kind of know the ins and outs of it.
Pete
Yeah, for sure, for sure. Because It's. It's. It's December 26th, you know, like, it's. It's the Friday after Christmas.
Greg (New VP)
Well, Friday after Christmas is still a Friday. Did you hear what happened with Folgers?
Pete
We all. Yeah, heard what happened.
Pete's Wife/Sister
Honey, is that the new VP of your company? Why are you on the phone?
Pete
Yeah. Cause he sent me a. He sent me a Slack message.
Pete's Wife/Sister
Like what?
Pete
Asking for me to. Yeah, exactly.
Pete's Wife/Sister
This is the guy who did the incest ad with the siblings who were in love. He's the one who greenlit it.
Pete
This is the. Yeah, this is the guy. And this is the guy who greenlit the incest version that they ended up not making.
Greg (New VP)
Hello?
Pete
God.
Pete's Wife/Sister
Okay, well, did you tell him that? No, One slacks during this time. This is what, family time?
Narrator/Announcer
Hello?
Pete
Hey, Pete. I'm here with my sister. My wife. I'm here with my wife. Oh, boy.
Greg (New VP)
So I'm guessing you really enjoy my ad.
Pete
Well, no.
Narrator/Announcer
1.
Pete
Technically.
Greg (New VP)
The best part of waking up is seeing your sibling in the bed. They wouldn't use that song. They would not use that song. Unbelievable.
Pete
There's probably a lot of reasons why they'd ever end up using that song. Pete, here at Coffee Mate, we don't. We do things.
Greg (New VP)
Coffee Mate sounds Australian.
Pete
It is Australian. And you, please don't let them catch you downstairs.
Greg (New VP)
I must have missed that I call.
Pete's Wife/Sister
What are you doing?
Pete
Go back to bed. Get the bed warmed up for me, baby.
Pete's Wife/Sister
Okay. I'll call mom first. I'll let her know how we're doing.
Greg (New VP)
Let me do this. Let's meet in a Walmart parking lot, we both bring our laptops, and let's pound this out.
Pete
First of all, the only pounding out that I'm gonna do this weekend.
Greg (New VP)
Careful.
Pete
Is with my wife. I mean, my sister. I mean, Folger's coffee is so good. This is Coffee Mate. This is a different company. We do not do work between Christmas and New Year. It's just not. It's not. The report will not be on your desk until after the New Year.
Greg (New VP)
Oh. I guess I.
Pete
And I thought Doug and Linda would have made that clear when they kind of brought you on board.
Greg (New VP)
Yeah, I guess I thought there were more suggestions than hard and fast rules. Because coming from Folgers, I guess we have.
Pete
That's why you got fired.
Greg (New VP)
Coming from Folgers. Well, I did suggest a hornet coffee, which they poo pooed.
Pete
You also suggested a poo poo coffee, too.
Greg (New VP)
Well, that's most coffees. Diuretics.
Pete
Oh, diuretics. I thought you were.
Pete's Wife/Sister
Give me the phone. Give me the. Excuse me.
Greg (New VP)
Hello?
Pete's Wife/Sister
Yes, this is Peter's wife. I mean, sister. I mean, mom. I mean, best friend.
Penelope
I mean, hold on.
Beck Bennett
Right?
Penelope
Live in girlfriend. I.
Pete's Wife/Sister
Sorry. I don't know if you're new to this or what the policy was at your last company, but this is a sacred time of year. This is a time where time slows down and speeds up, where nothing quite makes sense and the laws of physics do not apply. We don't send an email, if that's even what it's called anymore, a slack message. We don't ping anyone during this time. Do you understand me?
Greg (New VP)
What about circling back?
Pete's Wife/Sister
We do not circle back during this time. By December 26th. Through what?
Pete
Give me the Phone. Give me the phone. Give me the phone.
Pete's Wife/Sister
What? Ow. Ow, Ow.
Greg (New VP)
Kiss and then ow.
Pete
I've got something.
Greg (New VP)
Yeah.
Narrator/Announcer
Coffee Mate. This is the time of the year where we don't circle back, we don't follow up, and we don't answer our phones, slacks or emails. We just put some coffee Mate and a cup of coffee and enjoy time with our families. I mean wife. I mean sister. I mean mother.
Greg (New VP)
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's it. That's it. You cracked it. Okay, you know what? No work today. Set down the phone. Leave it off the receiver. You two have sex, leave the phone off the hook. Put the receiver down so I can hear.
Pete's Wife/Sister
We know what you're putting down and we are picking it up.
Narrator/Announcer
The best part of waking up is your sibling.
Penelope
Folgers Coffee definitely endorses this. They so love this kind of thing.
Narrator/Announcer
Folgers Coffee and Coffee Mate. There hasn't been a better pair since you and your sister.
Greg (New VP)
Coffee Mate. Have coffee, then fuck your mate.
Beck Bennett
Hi, I'm Beck Bennett.
Kyle Mooney
I thought I was Beck Bennett.
Beck Bennett
No, no, no, no. It's all.
Kyle Mooney
You're Kyle Mooney.
Beck Bennett
Sorry about that. Exactly. No, all good. All good.
Narrator/Announcer
Thanks, buddy.
Kyle Mooney
Yeah.
Beck Bennett
And we host the show what's our podcast here on Head Gum.
Kyle Mooney
But we want to make sure you heard about a very special episode with a very special guest that we just released. In the feed.
Beck Bennett
Yeah, it's in the feed. It was sponsored by Squarespace because they were appalled. They were. That we didn't have a website for our show yet. They were like, you don't have a website?
Kyle Mooney
What are you guys, like kindergarteners?
Beck Bennett
They wanted to do something about that. So we built a flawless, beautiful, perfectly designed website live on the pod with our very special guest and very web savvy guest. Should we tell them who it was?
Kyle Mooney
We could play 20 questions.
Beck Bennett
I don't think we have time for that.
Kyle Mooney
Is it Person?
Beck Bennett
No, it's not.
Kyle Mooney
It's Finn Wolfhard. But Finn had a bunch of great ideas for the website. Beck, you had some amazing ideas for the website.
Pete's Wife/Sister
Thanks, Ben.
Beck Bennett
You had some amazing ideas.
Kyle Mooney
Well, I was sort of driving the thing. I was sort of like clicking and.
Beck Bennett
And I was like, let's put a little. Let's put some widgets in there. I was talking about widgets.
Kyle Mooney
You kept on using that phrase, widgets.
Beck Bennett
Yeah, there's all sorts of stuff there. You might want to check out the hippo. Just go check out the website.
Kyle Mooney
Just know that there's a hippo video and know that you're going to Want to watch that? We had a lot of fun making this episode. We had a lot of fun making this website. I think you're going to have a fun time listening to it and maybe watching it. Think of it as our. A little Christmas present to you or.
Beck Bennett
Yeah, yeah. This is a gift for you. Okay. It's just like it's a selfless thing we did for you.
Kyle Mooney
Thanks to Squarespace for making us build a website sponsoring the episode and for supporting creators across the headgum network.
Beck Bennett
Go check out the bonus episode. What's our website from? What's our podcast on YouTube or wherever you listen to podcasts.
Kyle Mooney
Go to squarespace.com beckandkyle for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code beckandkyle.
Beck Bennett
Yes, sir.
Kyle Mooney
To save 10% off your first purchase.
Nicole Byer
Of a website automate.
Narrator/Announcer
Get it, Kyle. It's funny. I'm always thinking about it this time of year, but I'm not as young as I once was. But I care a lot about maintaining my physical and mental wellness. Which means Cornbread Hemp's CBD gummies are a huge piece of my wellness plan.
Pete
It's so funny.
Narrator/Announcer
I have no idea why it gets to be this time of year. And I'm thinking about how I'm not as young as I once was.
Greg (New VP)
Oh, same girl.
Penelope
Same.
Greg (New VP)
But also jpc, your birthday's in December.
Narrator/Announcer
Okay, that makes sense.
Greg (New VP)
Well, jpc, someone left something under the tree called Cornbread Hemp CBD gummies. Have you heard of these? You seen these?
Narrator/Announcer
Uh huh. Yes, I have.
Greg (New VP)
They're made to help you feel better, whether it's stress, discomfort, the encroaching clock.
Penelope
Of aging, or relaxation.
Greg (New VP)
Relaxation. I use Cornbread Hemp CBD and gpc. Let me just say, toss one in my mouth, I chew it, I swallow it, and suddenly I'm at peace. And I'm old as hell.
Penelope
All products are third party lab tested in USDA organic to ensure safety and purity. So you can relax. Relax.
Pete
Okay.
Narrator/Announcer
You guys might be onto something with this comprehensive gummy.
Greg (New VP)
John Travolta.
Penelope
John Travolta cbd. That's awesome.
Narrator/Announcer
And right now. Hey, Riddle. Riddle listeners can save 30% on their first order. Just head to cornbreadhemp.com riddle and use code RIDDLE at checkout. That's cornbreadhemp.com RIDDLE and use code riddle.
Greg (New VP)
Ah. Age is nothing but a number. A number of years I've been on Earth.
Narrator/Announcer
Years are also nothing but physical manifestations of time passing.
Greg (New VP)
I feel okay.
Narrator/Announcer
I feel okay.
Penelope
Hey, Santa.
Narrator/Announcer
Yeah.
Penelope
Santa, we have dinner with the bunnies at like, 5pm tonight, and I really, really, really, really want to get a head start in putting the Christmas decorations away.
Pete's Wife/Sister
Oh.
Penelope
So if you want to run up to the attic, grab the boxes, I'm gonna start on some banana bread for tonight.
Narrator/Announcer
I just opened a course.
Penelope
Can you. Can you remember if they're allergic to nuts? Can you get up, please?
Narrator/Announcer
I worked all day. We can't. We can't do this, like, next week.
Penelope
Yesterday was planned three weeks ago, baby. Santa.
Narrator/Announcer
Come on, baby. Don't I make. I made my plans three centuries ago. I mean, it's every Christmas.
Penelope
Yeah, you work one day a year.
Narrator/Announcer
And it's hard work all day.
Penelope
Come on.
Narrator/Announcer
I'll be good in like. Oh, can I get an hour? I just want to watch 45 minutes. Let me watch one episode of Bones.
Penelope
No. Your doctor said that the reason why your body takes such a beating after this is because you're drinking all of that milk in all of those cookies. You know that parents assume that they have to be the ones to eat that, right? You don't have to be doing that.
Narrator/Announcer
You don't even like the bunnies. You don't even like the bunnies.
Penelope
Don't say that.
Greg (New VP)
Hop, hop.
Penelope
Oh, they're here.
Narrator/Announcer
Oh, my God.
Greg (New VP)
Sorry. The window was open, so I just crawled through.
Narrator/Announcer
Hi.
Penelope
Come on in. Hi, Easter bunny.
Narrator/Announcer
There's a window open. We're at the fucking North Pole. The window open.
Penelope
Thank you so much for coming up here. How was your Christmas?
Greg (New VP)
Thanks for hosting. Next time we. We have to do our hovel. Of course you guys are avoiding it. Christmas was good. Santa, you must be. You must be tuckered out.
Narrator/Announcer
Oh, yeah, well, you know. No.
Penelope
Santa, why don't you make the bunnies? The Easter bunnies a cocktail?
Greg (New VP)
Ooh, that would be great.
Narrator/Announcer
What about having just this open cores I already opened so I don't have to get up off the couch.
Penelope
He's kidding.
Pete's Wife/Sister
He's joking.
Penelope
Get up.
Narrator/Announcer
Yeah, I'll make you.
Pete
What.
Narrator/Announcer
What do you drink? What do you. What's your drink, buddy?
Greg (New VP)
Anything with egg whites. Now, I feel like a lot of people compare us, Santa, but it feels like, you know, I. Year round, I source eggs.
Pete's Wife/Sister
Yeah.
Greg (New VP)
I paint them. Have to get a lot of. No two can look the same.
Pete's Wife/Sister
You're amazing.
Greg (New VP)
No two can look the same. Right. So a real artist, you know, I.
Penelope
Have to make sure you're writing rhyming riddles all year for these Easter bag Easter hunts. This is like.
Greg (New VP)
And do you know how Hard it is to just brainstorm hiding places, Santa?
Narrator/Announcer
Yeah.
Greg (New VP)
I guess.
Narrator/Announcer
I.
Greg (New VP)
Sorry, Penelope.
Nicole Byer
Oh, sorry.
Penelope
He's joking. This is a bit that he's been working on. And it didn't land.
Narrator/Announcer
No, it didn't land.
Kyle Mooney
No.
Narrator/Announcer
Yes. It goes over better with the elves.
Pete
Sorry.
Narrator/Announcer
You said you want an eggnog or.
Greg (New VP)
Eggnog would be great. Did Penelope tell you that we used to date?
Penelope
We used to date back in the day when we were all at mythical creature school. I mean, we all got around, but I in particular got around.
Narrator/Announcer
I didn't know that. No, Mrs. Claus, I didn't. I did not. She never mentioned.
Penelope
Honey, if you want to go back to bed and rest, maybe the three of us can go dancing. Me and the bunnies.
Narrator/Announcer
Thank God. Yes. Yes.
Penelope
Fight for me.
Pete's Wife/Sister
What are you.
Penelope
Me no hunt, Hugh. Well.
Narrator/Announcer
God damn it. God damn it. That little rabbit punched me. Oh, it hurts.
Penelope
That little rabbit is the Easter Bunny. And he doesn't use working one day a year as an excuse to not be there.
Greg (New VP)
Wow. See, Claire, that's how you advocate for someone. Thank you, Penelope.
Penelope
Fuck you.
Greg (New VP)
Oh, Claire. Fuck me.
Penelope
I'll kill you. Oh, my God, I'll kill you. I can hear everything you say. And I can hear all the porn you're watching.
Greg (New VP)
$5,000 a day online shopping habit is killing me.
Penelope
Oh, it doesn't even. That's nickels in comparison to your gambling addiction. You pretend you're in a different state so you can gamble. You've got a problem.
Greg (New VP)
I'll take one of those. Santa. I'll take one of those.
Penelope
Course, yeah, I'll take one, too. You married to the Easter Bunny? What a fucking loser. He's a loser, he wears a bow tie and I hate him.
Greg (New VP)
I think it looks nice.
Penelope
It looks like shit. You're creepy, you're weird. No one wants a picture of you at the mall.
Greg (New VP)
Creepy.
Narrator/Announcer
Hey, hey.
Greg (New VP)
I'm sorry. A six foot three rabbit is creepy?
Narrator/Announcer
Oh, oh, hold on, hold on. Okay, Look, Santa's tired. Everybody seems to, you know, maybe, maybe be at each other's throats a little bit. Why don't we all sit down?
Greg (New VP)
Why?
Pete's Wife/Sister
Did I.
Penelope
Did I. It's the leprechauns. Did we miss our invite?
Greg (New VP)
Turn up the lights.
Penelope
Turn off the lights.
Greg (New VP)
Everyone would be cool.
Penelope
Everyone will Turn up them.
Pete
1, 2, 3, 4.
Narrator/Announcer
Hey, Riddle.
Pete
Riddle's Clue crew.
Narrator/Announcer
Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free seven day trial at patreon.com heyriddle riddle.
Nicole Byer
Hi, I'm Nicole Byer. Hi, I'm Sasheer Zamada. And this is the podcast Best Friends. And we're here at Headgum. So this is just a podcast where we just talk? Yeah, we're best friends. Yeah, we talk. And then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries so audience members can ask questions about friendships, and we can answer them to the best of our abilities. Yes, we are professional friends. We are professional friends. Subscribe to Best Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Cast, or wherever you get your podcasts. And watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday. That's the middle of a work week. I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing.
Penelope
You were.
Nicole Byer
I'm really sorry. I felt the support. I was so okay. I was trying to be supportive.
Narrator/Announcer
Yeah.
Nicole Byer
But I was like, I don't know. Reading seems pretty hard right now. It's a lot.
Narrator/Announcer
I think.
Pete's Wife/Sister
You did good.
Nicole Byer
Thank you so much.
Pete's Wife/Sister
You're welcome.
This holiday Patreon preview episode is a whirlwind of post-Christmas absurdity, where the hosts embody a string of improvised characters to explore the peculiar dynamics of “the week after Christmas.” Through a blend of parody, office satire, and fantastical scenarios, the episode lampoons everything from post-holiday workplace etiquette to the imagined social lives of holiday mascots. As always, riddles take a back seat to playful banter and wild comedic sketches.
Timestamp: 00:32 – 05:54
“The best part of waking up is seeing your sibling in the bed. They wouldn’t use that song.” — Greg (New VP), (03:33)
Timestamp: 05:00 – 07:57
“Coffee Mate. Have coffee, then fuck your mate.” — Greg (New VP), (05:54)
Timestamp: 09:33 – 13:48
“You married to the Easter Bunny? What a fucking loser. He’s a loser, he wears a bow tie and I hate him.” — Penelope, (13:30)
Timestamp: 13:04 – 14:12
Timestamp: 14:15 – End
On Workplace Boundaries:
“We do not circle back during this time. By December 26th.” — Pete’s Wife/Sister (04:44)
On Coffee-Related Scandals:
“I suggested a hornet coffee, which they poo-pooed. …You also suggested a poo-poo coffee, too.” — Greg & Pete, (03:49-03:56)
On Post-Christmas Ennui:
“This is a time where time slows down and speeds up, where nothing quite makes sense and the laws of physics do not apply.” — Pete’s Wife/Sister, (04:17)
| Time | Segment Description | |-----------|-------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:32–05:54 | Pete, Greg, and “wife/sister” lampoon office culture | | 05:00–07:57 | Coffee Mate/Folgers ad parody & Beck/Kyle ad riffs | | 09:33–13:48 | Santa, Mrs. Claus, Easter Bunny & holiday folk domestic | | 13:04–14:12 | Mascot meltdown, insults, meta-commentary | | 14:15–end | Brief riddle reference & Patreon plug |
If you've never heard Hey Riddle Riddle before, this episode perfectly encapsulates the show's chaotic energy: expect more off-the-rails character comedy and parody than actual riddles or puzzle-solving. It’s hilarious, self-aware, and gleefully irreverent about both holidays and podcasting tropes.