Patreon Preview #362: Summer on Scorn Mountain

Summary

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Hey Riddle Riddle Patreon Preview #362: Summer on Scorn Mountain

Date: February 13, 2026
Hosts: Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, John Patrick Coan
Network: Headgum

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Episode Overview

This episode of Hey Riddle Riddle offers a comedic and improvisational exploration of camp jobs, fire watch stations, and awkward summer experiences, all wrapped in the podcast’s signature riffing, banter, and character-driven sketches. The crew dabbles in parody ads, fictional interviews, and absurd situations, focusing on the experience of "a first summer on Scorn Mountain." Riddle-solving takes a back seat to the cast’s comedic storytelling.

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Key Segments & Insights

1. Mock Ads & Banter (00:00–04:27)

• Hosts Describing Mattress Preferences:
  The episode humorously opens with spoof ad-read banter about Helix Sleep Mattresses, with each host riffing on the supposed benefits, the “Helix Sleep Quiz,” and the quirks of sharing a mattress as a conjoined riddle entity.
• Memorable Quote:
  • “Our bodies have molded into one riddle being—it hurts." – Adal (00:35)
• Absurd Ad Characters:
  • Introduction of "Helix Hamlinkin" and playful improv around mattress satisfaction (02:25).
• Comedic Movie Recommendation:
  Adal raves about the mockumentary "Nirvana, the Band, the Show, the Movie" (03:04), calling it "so fucking good," and the rest riff on press quotes, plot, and whether it’s a must-see.
  • Highlight Quote:
    • "When the twists come in this movie, your jaw will hit the floor in a good way—in a way that makes you say, I have to clean up my jaw now." – Adal (03:13)

2. Improv Sketch: The Scorn Mountain Fire Tower (04:27–11:09)

• Premise:
  A new summer fire watch employee (played by Erin/JPC) meets a grizzled Scorn Mountain veteran (Adal) who explains the job, outlines "do’s and don’ts" (mostly don'ts), and deals with ridiculous questions from the rookie.
• Key Dialogue:
  • On fighting fires:
    • “Under no circumstances do you try to go fight it.” – Adal, dead-serious, shutting down the newbie’s enthusiasm (05:07)
  • On amenities:
    • “There's no TV. You don’t even have electricity up here.” – Adal (06:19)
    • “I brought a battery-operated Sony Vizio…a 62 inch.” – JPC/Erin, bizarrely
  • On supplies and "bear box":
    • “You’ll get your weekly ration dump in the bear box…your food, your nettles, and your, you know, your whatnot.” – Adal (07:08)
• Bear Safety & Isolation Bits:
  • “There are more bear deaths than fire deaths on Scorn Mountain every year.” – Adal (08:45)
  • “Isn’t it smarter for me to leave food out so that my cabin is surrounded by bears?…Can you imagine what a fortress this would be?” – JPC/Erin (09:02)
• Absurd Accumulation:
  The newbie reveals they’ve brought “all these guns…and all this porn” for the summer, mistaking the fire tower for a lawless vacation spot (09:15–09:35).
• Where are you from?:
  • “I thought you were a townie.” —“Nope. I am from San Diego. Spongy grass…”—leads into invented localisms, ‘scornborn’ as the nickname for locals (10:11–10:45).
• Notable Comic Exchanges:
  • On years of service—
    “I’ve been up here for 41 seasons.” – Adal (11:02)
    “What are you, LeBron James?” – JPC/Erin (11:07)

3. Mock Ads Interlude: Cargurus (11:15–13:36)

• The cast lampoons buying a car at a grocery store and runs through the features of the Cargurus app with their characteristic offbeat analogies.
• Quote:
  "It's the smarter way to find the car that fits your life, and the insane amount of bananas you buy at the store." – Adal (12:53)
• The Riddle Mobile requires riddles instead of gas to operate (13:31).

4. Space, Aliens & Rocket Money (13:42–15:50)

• Stargazing & Pleiadian War:
  JPC/Erin wonders about the night sky, leading to improv about aliens, the Pleiadians, and a fictional war—the conversation rapidly tangles into a Rocket Money ad riff (13:44–14:37).
• The hosts parodically relate financial saving tips to preparing for “the war with the Pleiadians.”
• Quote:
  "You’re going to want to save as much money as possible so you and your family can start to buy rocket spaceship parts.” – Erin (14:54)

5. Mrs. Animals Education Sketch (15:55–18:59)

• Premise:
  A teacher, Mrs. Animals (Erin), gives a lesson on owls, but gets pulled into morbid digressions by students (Adal, JPC).
• Standout Quotes:
  • “Oh, I have! Two summers ago, I broke my leg and watched out my parents’ back window with binoculars…saw my neighbor murder his wife.” – Adal (16:41)
  • “He ate her.” – Erin, taking the story in a morbid direction (17:24)
• Recurrent Gag:
  The students keep referencing the teacher’s tan line where her wedding ring used to be, a nod to the show’s running bits (18:43).
• Meta-Commentary:
  “We're contractually obligated to ask that question in every episode where an adult talks to a child or vice versa.” – Adal (18:47)

6. Patreon Call to Action & Outro (19:01–19:16)

• Listeners are prompted to subscribe for the full episode at Patreon.

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• On the Helix Mattress:
  “Our bodies have molded into one riddle being—it hurts.”
  —Adal (00:35)
• On movie plot twists:
  “When the twists come in this movie, your jaw will hit the floor.”
  —Adal (03:13)
• Fire watch instructions:
  “Under no circumstances do you try to go fight it.”
  —Adal (05:07)
• On safety:
  "There are more bear deaths than fire deaths on Scorn Mountain every year."
  —Adal (08:45)
• Existential realization:
  “I brought all these guns. Colin said you can basically do whatever you want up here. So I brought all these guns. I brought all this porn.”
  —JPC/Erin (09:17)
• Townie status:
  “Nope. I am from a little place called San Diego. Spongy grass.”
  —JPC/Erin (10:18)
• Car buying logic:
  “It’s the smarter way to find the car that fits your life, and the insane amount of bananas you buy at the store.”
  —Adal (12:53)
• Alien war budgeting advice:
  “Save as much money as possible so you and your family can start to buy rocket spaceship parts.”
  —Erin (14:54)
• Classroom murder reveal:
  “Saw my neighbor murder his wife.”
  —Adal (16:41)
• Meta-sketch:
  “We're contractually obligated to ask that question in every episode where an adult talks to a child or vice versa.”
  —Adal (18:47)

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Conclusion

This Patreon preview is a perfect showcase of Hey Riddle Riddle’s irreverent, improv-heavy style, blending fictional summer job scenarios, deadpan safety advice, and escalating absurdity with their signature inside jokes and recurring meta-bits. Riddles are sparse; the episode pivots instead towards memorable characters, ridiculous scenarios, and banter that would especially reward longtime fans of the show.

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Transcript

[A]

Oh, man. Guys, great episode today. Great episode. I think we're done recording though. So what's. Does everyone want to hang out or go back to our separate homes and crawl into our Helix mattresses or.

[B]

I'm going to bed. I'm going to bed.

[C]

I'm going to my Helix Sleep mattress to just warm up and get some z's.

[A]

Yeah. Because we all took the Helix sleep quiz which matches us to the perfect mattress based on our personal preferences and sleep needs. Buying a mattress, super easy, super simple. And we all love our Helix Sleep mattress. I love my midnight luxe. It is super so soft. But we unfortunately we're the same guy. We all took the same quiz. We got the same mattress because our bodies have molded into one riddle being it hurts.

[B]

It hurts, but it won't hurt you sleep. I get so many compliments on my mattress. Whenever anyone comes over and watches Lou or I have guest day, everyone, they wake up and they immediately go, what is this mattress? It's a Helix Sleep, baby. It's a Helix Sleep.

[C]

Well, Aaron, it's not just you and your friends feeling like it's a great mattress. A study found that 82% of those involved saw an increase in their deep sleep cycle while sleeping on a Helix mattress. Hey, I'm never going to use another mattress. I'm Helix Sleep till I die, baby.

[A]

Well, why would you? Because they have the Happy with Helix guarantee. You can rest easy with seamless returns and exchanges. The Happy with Helix guarantee offers a risk free customer first experience designed to ensure you're complet satisfied with your new mattress.

[C]

I've had my Helix Sleep midnight Lux since I moved into my house. And I gotta say myself, my wife, our four cats, we all sleep comfortably on a mattress. We feel so safe and secure. It's so warm in these brutal Chicago winters.

[B]

Cozy. I'm gonna go back to bed. I'm gonna go back.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Just thinking about my Helix Sleep mattress makes me so comfortable and sleepy.

[A]

And you should all go back to bed as well. And by that I mean buy a mattress with the President's Day Sale. Best of the Web. This is running from the 2nd to the 25th. It is 27% off site wide and that is exclusive for listeners of hey, riddle. Riddle. So go to helixleep.com Riddle for the President's Day sale. That's helixsleep.com Riddle for the President' Day Sale. Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you helixsleep.com riddle but don't take it from them.

[C]

Take it from me. Helix. Hamlinkin. I cannot tell.

[B]

Asleep at the end. Introducing him at the end.

[C]

I gotta go.

[A]

He looks Ham. Flinkin. Adol. Aaron, I know that the two of you have been so mad that they are not putting comedy movies in theaters anymore. Well, do I have a shocking declaration for the two of you?

[C]

Shock me. Shock.

[A]

Okay, shock you. Let me rub my socks on the carpet. I just saw Nirvana, the Band, the show, the Movie, and it is fucking excellent.

[B]

Hum. In a what?

[A]

Okay. This movie is so funny. It's the first like mockumentary style film that I have seen in a while. That is. That was making me laugh out loud. Plus it's. I will not get into it, but when the twists come in this movie, your jaw will hit the floor in a good way. In a way that makes you say, I have to clean up my jaw now. But I do like that it touched the ground.

[C]

Now. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Is this the movie that Variety called? It's insane that it exists and fandom said gives no fucks. A movie you absolutely must see to believe.

[A]

Yes, you have to see this.

[B]

A comedic miracle says Sunshine State Complex. A comedic miracle. Jpc.

[A]

Yes. So the plot of the movie is they have a plan to book a show at the Rivoli, but something goes horribly wrong. And then Matt and Jay accidentally travel back to the year 2008. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah. You have to watch this movie. It is only in theaters starting February 13th. Nirvana, the band, the show, the Movie. It is so fucking good.

[C]

I'm there. I'm there again.

[A]

Run, do not walk to the theaters February 13th to see Nirvana the Band, the show, the Movie. You do not have to be familiar with the show. Just go see Nirvana, the Band, the show, the movie. You'll get it. It's fucking great.

[C]

Coffee's ready.

[A]

Excellent, Excellent. I know this is your. It's gonna be your first summer out here, so.

[C]

First summer if you have Scorn Mountain. My first summer at Scorn Mountain for sure.

[A]

You know, if you have questions, if things come up, you can always hit the radio. I'm going to be at Hilo east, so you won't be able to see me, obviously, but you know, I'll be available on the radio. Nice, nice, nice.

[C]

Oh, and if I see. If I do see a fire, I just. I contact you or I go. Do I go do something? Do I go try and fight it?

[A]

No. What? No, you do not know. Under no circumstances do you try to go fight it.

[C]

Okay, So I leave the cabin and I try and grab as many animals as possible.

[A]

No, no, you see the fire. You see the fire, you call it in.

[C]

Okay?

[A]

That's. Yeah. The whole job.

[C]

Okay, calm down. Are you mad at me?

[A]

Sorry. No.

[C]

Hey, Colin. My cousin Colin got me this job. I just figured it seemed like an easy. Seemed like an easy sort of peasy.

[A]

Oh, no.

[C]

Well, job.

[A]

No, it's. I'm sorry. Yeah. Because you did orientation, right? Yeah, I was. This is more just kind of me dropping by to make sure you've got everything set up in your tower. Your whole job is you're going to be here all summer, you're probably not going to see another soul, it's going to be pretty lonely, and you're going to be watching for fires, and if you see a fire, you're going to call it in. That's the whole. That's the whole. The whole job.

[C]

Okay. What? Colin tell you stuff, right? Well, he said, do me a favor. We need someone to watch for fires. It'll be the easiest job you ever had. Nothing's gonna happen. Don't even. Don't even worry about it.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

You know what I'm saying? It's like. It's like if I got hired to watch for Superman in the skies. Like, no, it's not gonna happen.

[A]

It's not. No, it's not. Scoring Mountain has fires almost every year. Now, they're not big fires usually, but that's because we catch them. And you mentioned watching tv. There's no. There's no tv. You don't even have electricity up here. Oh, you what?

[C]

I brought a battery operated tv.

[A]

What is that? I've never seen a battery operated Sony Vizio before. What is that?

[C]

It's a Sony vizio.

[A]

It's a 62 inch Sony Vizio.

[C]

Yeah, I had to buy it from South Korea.

[A]

Well, no, I mean, how'd you. How do you even get that up here? You hauled that up all these stairs up into the tower? You can't watch a TV up here.

[C]

Oh, speaking of Amazon prime, do they deliver direct to this cabin or do I have to like, walk down a hill or something?

[A]

There's no. No, I mean, you'll. You'll get your weekly ration dump in the bear box.

[C]

Ration dump?

[A]

Yeah, your, your, your, your food and your nettles and, you know, your, your, your, your whatnot. But there's no Amazon. You can't. You don't even. There's not even phone signal. If you. You have to call in through the radio. There's only radio signal.

[C]

Oh, I got a hot spot.

[A]

You got a what?

[C]

I got a hot spot.

[A]

There's no. There's just no way a hot spot's gonna work. I think Colin Huck Finned you. Colin. I know your cousin Colin. He's. He usually does this tower. He is usually absolutely miserable.

[C]

Fire. There's a fire over there or something. There's. That's. What is that? Oh, it's somebody in an orange shirt. Should I call that in or.

[A]

No, it looks like that's a hiking trail. There's gonna be lots of people hiking on that part of the hiking trail.

[C]

Oh, so there won't be fires on.

[B]

The trails behind them? This entire time, a fire has been slowly building and spreading?

[A]

Oh, no. I mean, the hiking trails are hungry.

[C]

For barbecue for some reason.

[A]

For some reason. Well, it's probably because there's a bunch of barbecue in your bear box. You'll want to get to that fast because the barbecue does not last.

[C]

And a bear box is.

[A]

It's a box to put your food in so the bears can't get to it.

[C]

Oh, yeah. What if I want to feed the bears?

[A]

Oh, boy. Well, you shouldn't, okay? Because if the bears know that there's food here that they can get, they're gonna come keep coming back for it. And bears can climb stairs, so you don't want to have a bear up here at your fire tower. That's the. There are more bear deaths than fire deaths on Scorn Mountain every year.

[C]

Isn't it. Isn't it smarter for me to leave food out so that my cabin is surrounded by bears so no one tries to come up here and with me. Can you imagine what a fortress this would be if it was surrounded by hungry bears?

[A]

Here's what we're going to do. We're going to get in my Jeep and we're just going to drive back to town, and that's. And you're gonna spend. You're gonna spend summer in town. I think town's more your speed.

[C]

I brought all these guns.

[A]

You what?

[C]

I brought all these guns. Colin said that you can basically do whatever the you want up here. No one can hear you or see you. So I brought all these guns. I brought all this porn.

[A]

What are you gonna do with all these guns up here?

[C]

Shoot the guns, watch the porn, eat the food. Shoot the guns, watch the porn, eat the food.

[A]

I mean, that is kind of what we do in these towers. That's normal. Call it the one thing that Colin served you right on. Is the guns and the food of the porn thing. Everybody gains their freshman 15 their first summer out here.

[C]

Oh, nice.

[A]

15 pounds of muscle in their arm. You know what I'm saying?

[C]

I'm gonna get a tuna 15 from all the sushi. I'm gonna order up here. Does sugarfish come up here?

[A]

I don't even think we have sugarfish on the East Coast. I think that's a. I think that's an LA institution.

[C]

No sugar fish.

[A]

I don't think. I don't think there's. I don't think so.

[C]

I mean, unless the point of living here.

[A]

Where are you from? You're not from. I thought you were, like, a townie. You didn't grow up around here?

[C]

Nope. I am from a little place called San Diego. Spongy grass. We got real spongy grass. Yeah. Where are you from? What's your name? I didn't even catch your name.

[A]

My name's Joe and I'm. I'm basically from Scorn Mountain. I mean, this is. I was kind of. I grew up here, you know?

[C]

And is there a term for people born on Scorn Mountain? Scorners or scornborn. Ooh, Scornborn.

[A]

They call it scornborn. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, that's.

[A]

That's something they call us.

[C]

I was gonna say it's too easy not to.

[A]

Yeah, it's too easy not to. I mean, that's. We'd like to get away from it, but it's too easy not to.

[C]

How many fires have you watched?

[A]

Well, I've been up here for, let's see, 41 seasons, so.

[C]

41 seasons. What are you, LeBron James?

[A]

How many seasons has LeBron played?

[C]

21.

[A]

Adult Aaron. I am so fed up with car shopping, I must be doing something wrong. Cause I'll go to the grocery store, I'll buy, you know, some bananas, some apples, a little bit of spinach, and I'll get to the checkout and I'll say, also, I'd like to buy a car. And they say, well, no, not here. And I go, not here. Then where?

[C]

Jpc, you big jpc.

[A]

Tell me what I did. Because what I. What I think I did is right. So what did I do?

[C]

You don't go to a store to buy a car, okay? You use Cargurus app, the new dealership mode. And it's like having a personal cheat sheet in your pocket right there on the lot with you. You can instantly compare the car in front of you to similar options. See? Deal ratings and price History and estimate your final price. That's right, jpc. It's everything you need at your fingertips so you can feel confident you're getting the best deal. And some store workers aren't going to make fun of you for asking for it at checkout.

[B]

With more than 4 million listings, CarGurus has the biggest selection of cars. So it's easier than ever to find the right car at the right deal. And you don't even have to buy a banana.

[A]

Well, I want to buy the banana. Oh, please tell me Cargurus will sell me a banana. You know what?

[B]

No.

[A]

I think what I'll do from now on is I'll get my fruit at the fruit store and I'll get my cars by using Cargurus. You can even use Cargurus Discover, a new search feature where you can look for vehicles based on the way you think, using your own words. No more being boxed in by filters. Whether you want great gas mileage for a road trip or extra trunk space for all of those bananas, simply type it in and Cargurus Discover will give you real shoppable listings that match. It's the smarter way to find the car that fits your life and the insane amount of bananas that you buy at the store. Because bananas are going up, up, up, baby. And they never go bad.

[C]

And I use the Cargurus app to buy us Yanks off sheet a riddle mobile.

[B]

Ooh la loo la loo loo loo.

[C]

It's no wonder Cargurus is the number one most visited car Shopp. According to SimilarWeb's estimated traffic data.

[A]

Buy or sell your next car today with [e-mail]. go to cargurus.com to make sure your big deal is the best deal. That's CarGurus. C-A R G U R U S.com CarGurus.com okay, so it looks like the.

[C]

Riddle Mobile doesn't take gas. We have to answer riddles to make it good.

[A]

Let's just leave it banana space. Oh, yeah, it's mostly for show.

[C]

Hey, jpc. Hey, Aaron.

[A]

What's up?

[B]

Yeah, what's up?

[C]

I was looking up at the night sky and seeing all these things shooting across the night sky. And I was wondering, what all is out there in the night sky?

[B]

Well, stars.

[A]

We're at war with The Palladians. What?

[B]

UFOs?

[C]

Wait, the Pleiadians? Are those some sort of aliens and rockets?

[B]

Which reminds me, this weekend, you guys, I realized that I had been spending so much money on a subscription that I forgot to cancel. I did the whole free trial thing and then I forgot to cancel it.

[C]

I was like, paying for it a.

[B]

Couple months, but Rocket Money reminded me. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, thank you. Please tell me that you're using Rocket Money, the personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

[B]

Oh, big time. Big time.

[A]

And growing your savings is more important now than ever, what with the upcoming war with the Pleiadians on our doorstep.

[B]

Mm.

[C]

Now, Palladians are Paladin aliens, of course, and they come here wanting our, I want to say oxygen. But with Rocket Money, you can set budgets and goals, get personalized insights and regular reports, and receive real time alerts for large transactions, upcoming bills, refunds, and low balances. Because you're going to want to save as much money as possible so you and your family can start to buy rockets, spaceship parts.

[A]

Plus, the app consolidates your checking, your saving, your loans and investments into a single dashboard to give users a clear view of their financial picture. So when you're spending money from the secret checking account that your wife doesn't know that you have to fight the palladium baby is for you. It's all for you. It's for the family. You can see that from your rocketboard dashboard without getting overwhelmed, that your wife is going to find out about your secret Palladian bank account that you're using to fight these guys.

[B]

And if you're saving up to fight the good fight, you can do automated savings that grow towards your goals. You can adjust the amount and the frequency a set it and forget it approach. So let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join RocketMoney.com Riddle that's RocketMoney.com Riddle RocketMoney.com Riddle R I D D L E.

[A]

They look just like us.

[B]

You say joyfully. They look just like us. I want to say oxygen. All right, boys and girls, our next animal is the great tawny owl. Yeah, if you can tell, his head is moving quite a lot.

[C]

Ah, he broke his neck.

[B]

No, no. Owls just don't have the same neck muscles or bone muscles as the rest of us.

[A]

Bone muscles?

[B]

You funny kid. Or bones as the rest of us? Who's ever looked through a pair of binoculars before?

[A]

Oh, I have, I have.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

Two summers ago I broke my leg and I spent the whole summer just watching out of my parents back window with binoculars.

[B]

Oh, like rear window. You saw a murder?

[A]

Yeah, I saw my neighbor murder his Wife.

[B]

Wow. I'm sure that was exciting. To solve that crime and serve justice.

[A]

The tawny owl, they solved it really quick. It was loud. I just saw it. They didn't even need me to testify because there was no question he did it.

[C]

Ms. Animals.

[B]

Yep.

[C]

Don't you want to ask how he murdered his wife?

[B]

I want to talk about how the Tawny owl can see from so far away and dark.

[A]

What?

[C]

He ate her.

[A]

He ate her.

[B]

That's how he killed her. Or he killed her and then. Doesn't matter. I mean, it does matter, but it did matter, right? Right.

[C]

Mrs. Animals says it doesn't matter that a man ate his wife.

[B]

No, no. I'm just saying the Tawny owl is actually.

[A]

What do owls eat?

[B]

I love that question. Well, they eat their food whole because they don't really chew, so they can basically.

[C]

Oh, famous animals.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Earlier when I said, don't you want to know how the man killed his wife? You didn't tell me. I love that question.

[B]

You know what? Because I really don't love that question. If you have a question about the tawny owl, I'd love to to answer it. They eat their food whole and so when they poop it out, that normally gets laughed. There you go.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

It's basically the whole mouse.

[A]

I really couldn't muster have being grossed out by that after some of the things I've seen.

[B]

And you don't have to share any of this. You can keep this to yourself.

[A]

No, my therapist said I shouldn't keep it to myself. They said I should share about it because it helps me get over it.

[B]

Probably with the professional and not in a space.

[A]

I thought you were a professional.

[B]

I am, but I'm trying to teach you about the owl.

[C]

Ms. Animals.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Why is there a big tan line where your wedding ring might be?

[A]

Ms. Animals? We're contractually obligated to ask that question in every episode.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Where an adult talks to a child or vice versa.

[B]

Yeah, I know, I know. And I know it's nothing personal that Xana.

[C]

Nothing personal. It's just 1, 2, 3, 4.

[A]

Hey, Riddle. Riddle's Clue crew, listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free 7 day trial at patreon.com heyriddle riddle.

[D]

Day or night, VRBoCare is here 247 to help make every part of your stay seamless. If anything comes up or you simply need a little guidance, support is ready whenever you reach out. From the moment you book to the moment you head home, we're here to help things run smoothly, because a great trip starts with the right support. And, hey, a good playlist doesn't hurt either.