Patreon Preview #367: A Night at a Museum

Summary

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Hey Riddle Riddle – Patreon Preview #367: A Night at a Museum

Podcast: Hey Riddle Riddle
Hosts: Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan
Episode Release: March 20, 2026
Episode Theme: A Lock-In Adventure at the "Museum of All Things"
Patreon Preview

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Overview

In this lively, improvisation-driven bonus episode, the Hey Riddle Riddle crew channels a group of eccentric museum staff, chaperones, and teens gathered for the annual Oswego School lock-in at the "Museum of All Things" (a.k.a. Moat). The night promises wild riddles, viral video references, and chaotic roleplay, with objects rumored to come alive after dark. As with all Hey Riddle Riddle episodes, the riddles are mostly an excuse for comic tangents, off-kilter banter, and absurd character work.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. The Museum Lock-In Setup (00:37–03:57)

• Museum Director (Adal): Welcomes Oswego seniors, gives the rundown of the "Museum of All Things," and explains that within museum staff, "docent" is a fancy word for "guide."
• Natalie (Erin): Jumps in with irreverent questions about the museum coming alive at night.
• Felix (JPC): The only 11th grader present; serves as the Museum Director's somewhat bumbling assistant (“dosistant”).
• Prize Hunt Setup: “We have hidden little prizes around the museum. So, sort of like Amazing Race...” (Museum Director, 03:15)

Notable Quotes:

• Natalie: “Is it true that stuff comes alive at night?” (01:04)
• Felix: “What is a docent?” (02:01)
• Museum Director: “A docent is sort of like... it’s like a fancy way to say guide.” (02:09)
• Natalie: “My aunt died on Amazing Race.” (03:34)

2. Viral Video Relatives Run Wild (03:57–08:01)

• Characters riff on their theoretical connections to viral video memes:
  • Felix claims to be “Damn Daniel” (04:15) and “Charlie bit my finger.”
  • Natalie claims to be from the “Apparently” kid video.
  • References to the “Grape Stomp lady,” “Numa Numa guy,” and more.
• Tangent about internet virality in family histories.

Memorable Moments:

• Felix: “I’m damn Daniel.” (04:18)
• Felix and group: Various references to YouTube/viral video lore.

3. Museum Rules and Absurdities (10:44–14:32)

• Housekeeping: Don't touch anything that's behind glass or roped off.
• A debate erupts about whether museum “treasures” are meant to be touched, leading to purposely confused logic and misdirection.
• Hilarious rules for the lock-in, including a stern warning against “sex in the museum,” resulting in a riff about “sex-activated” security cameras and museum definitions of what constitutes sex:
  • Felix: “Is it only for penetrative sex or is it for, like, digital or oral sex?” (11:57)
  • Museum Director: “Digital is penetrative sex. So is oral.” (12:03)
• Museum’s “famous toilets,” the mythical “Toilet Horse,” and the story where Paul Giamatti shouts “toilet horse” while suffering a stroke:
  • Museum Director: “That made international news. I'm a bit of a viral sensation myself…” (13:13)
  • Felix: “He was trying to say get me a tourniquet and get me to my house and it came out toilet horse.” (13:21)

Notable Quotes:

• Museum Director: “No sex in the museum.” (11:35)
• Felix: “Is the hand getting penetrated? Oh, interesting. In a way. Yeah, I guess.” (12:14)
• Museum Director: “He kept calling me ‘a toilet horse’—it’s really stuck.” (13:15)

4. Recurring Riffing: Viral Internet Fame & Family Mishaps (13:43–14:41)

• More jokes connecting outlandish viral news moments and family. Natalie’s stepmom is a beauty pageant contestant; the Museum Director’s ex-wife was a confused news anchor.
• Ongoing lampooning of internet-age misunderstandings, e.g., “gay blindness” as a fake disease.

Memorable Moments:

• Museum Director: “My ex-wife, she confused gay and blind quite a bit.” (14:18)

5. Underlying Riddles & Whodunnit Elements

• Ostensibly, the episode is framed around riddles and a scavenger hunt, but true to the podcast’s style, these quickly become vehicles for improvisation and tangents.

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Notable Quotes—Attribution & Timestamps

• Natalie: “Is it true that stuff comes alive at night?” (01:04)
• Museum Director: “We do have a bit of a night at the museum. Night of the museum. Night of the living museum.” (01:13)
• Felix: “What is a docent?” (02:01)
• Museum Director: “A docent is sort of like... it’s like a fancy way to say guide.” (02:09)
• Natalie: “My aunt died on Amazing Race.” (03:34)
• Felix: “I’m damn Daniel.” (04:18)
• Museum Director: “No sex in the museum.” (11:35)
• Felix: “Is it only for penetrative sex or is it for, like, digital or oral sex?” (11:57)
• Museum Director: “He kept calling me ‘a toilet horse’—it’s really stuck.” (13:15)
• Museum Director: “My ex-wife, she confused gay and blind quite a bit.” (14:18)

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Tone, Language, and Style

• The dialogue is rapid-fire, absurd, and distinctly improvisational—reminiscent of Chicago long-form improv.
• Much of the humor is in deliberate misunderstandings, layered pop culture references, and circuitous riffing.
• The group’s dynamic oscillates between mock earnestness and deadpan absurdity, with jokes layered inside running bits (“docent” vs. “dosistant,” “Toilet Horse,” viral video family trees).

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:37 – Museum Lock-In Setup
• 03:15 – Riffing on Viral Video Lineage
• 10:44 – Museum Rules (Do Not Touch, Sex-Activated Cameras)
• 11:57 – Debate Over Sex Definitions in Museum Context
• 13:13 – Origin of “Toilet Horse”
• 14:18 – Ex-wife’s “Gay Blindness” Mix-up

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Summary

This Patreon preview is a quintessential Hey Riddle Riddle experience: while “riddles” are nominally what brings the characters together, the heart of the show is the hosts’ uninhibited, relentless banter and roleplaying. The episode’s structure provides thin scaffolding for a mounting series of riffs on meme culture, museum quirks, and outlandish family histories—functioning as a freewheeling improv jam more than a traditional puzzle podcast. Anyone seeking referential, character-driven, quick-witted comedy will enjoy the chaos at the “Museum of All Things.”

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Transcript

[Narrator]

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[Museum Director]

We are so excited to have your class here for the yearly Oswego Lock in. Welcome to Chicago and welcome specifically to the Museum of All Things. We call it Moat around here. So if any of the docents or any of the chaperones call it moat, that's what's. What's going on. I am the director of the Museum of All Things, and, yeah, I just want to let you know. Feel free to explore any of the exhibits. Yes.

[Natalie]

Question, Devin, super senior, holding my sleeping bag here. Is it true that stuff comes alive at night?

[Museum Director]

Yes, we do have a bit of a night at the museum. Night of the museum. Night of the museum. Night of the living museum.

[Natalie]

Night of museum.

[Felix]

It's night of the Living Dead or night at the museum or night in or around the museum.

[Museum Director]

Hey, Felix. Don't talk down to me the way you talk down to the seniors. I'm your boss.

[Felix]

Okay. I was whispering. I thought I was.

[Natalie]

Felix, there's kind of an echo in here. It's a real museum vibe where you can hear.

[Museum Director]

Yeah, no, this is. I'm standing on a spot that is a perfect theatrical standpoint. Sort of like in Greece. If you go to Athens, there's a spot you can stand in. One of the first theaters ever built.

[Felix]

Todd Rolfe, grade 11. What is a docent?

[Museum Director]

Todd Rolfe.

[Felix]

Todd Rolf.

[Museum Director]

A docent is sort of like. It's like a fancy way to say guide.

[Felix]

Okay. Just a guide.

[Museum Director]

Well, no, they're docents.

[Felix]

Well, we know. What if we see one?

[Museum Director]

You should. They'll be the ones sort of explaining things. And just so you know, this year we've decided. Felix and I have brainstormed and we've come up with something. And I'll introduce Felix later, if at all.

[Natalie]

Is he a docent?

[Museum Director]

No.

[Felix]

What? I'm not.

[Museum Director]

Well, I feel like you're more than a. You're more of my, like, assistant. Right. You're maybe a dosistant.

[Natalie]

Oh, good.

[Felix]

I just. I didn't know if. I'm not a docent. I just don't know what I'll do tonight.

[Museum Director]

Calm down. You say this every night.

[Natalie]

Also, he's the only 11th grader that was allowed to come. They pick a name out of a hat and they happen to pick the biggest loser in all of the 11th grade. Supposed to just be seniors.

[Felix]

I'm in mostly senior classes.

[Museum Director]

I don't care. Anyway, we have. Felix and I have brainstormed something special this year. Oswego seniors. Which is we have hidden little prizes around the museum. So sort of like Amazing Race. If you see a little stand with a card or might be like a wrapped gift, just know that my aunt

[Natalie]

died on Amazing Race.

[Museum Director]

Oh, is she the lady with the watermelon slingshot?

[Natalie]

Yeah.

[Museum Director]

You ever see that?

[Natalie]

Yeah. Sorry, that's insensitive to your body. It's my aunt. They played at her funeral.

[Museum Director]

Oh, man.

[Natalie]

And then they shot her body into the woods using a slingshot. Did you ask? Sorry, it's just a lot of trauma. I was pretty young when it happened.

[Museum Director]

No, I asked. Yeah. That's the worst video I've ever seen.

[Natalie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Felix]

One of my older cousins was the Grape Stomp lady.

[Museum Director]

Oh, my gosh. Do we have any other viral sort of viral offspring? Yeah, in the back.

[Felix]

Yeah. I'm damn Daniel.

[Museum Director]

You are damn Daniel.

[Felix]

I'm damn Daniel.

[Natalie]

How old are you? I mean, he's our teacher.

[Felix]

I'm a teacher, so I'm 31, I should say.

[Museum Director]

Speaking of back at it with the white vans. If you see a white van, please know that. Not with the museum.

[Felix]

I didn't say that stuff. I'm damn Daniel. It was. It was all said about me.

[Museum Director]

Oh, you were wearing the white vans.

[Felix]

Yeah, I guess. Do you. I always get this. Maybe I'm saying it wrong. If I say I'm damn Daniel, I feel like I would say, is damn Daniel the guy who is Daniel, or the guy who would say damn Daniel?

[Museum Director]

I would think the guy who says damn Daniel, his name was Rick. Well, regardless, please know that there are official employees here, and then there are people who might be lingering because we do sort of overlap with the time of the lock in with the closing of the museum. So just know there's some people that might be filing out slowly and please don't interact with them.

[Natalie]

Well, tell them to not try to sleep over at the museum. I feel like that's more likely the thing that's gonna happen.

[Museum Director]

We don't have to tell them. They should know.

[Natalie]

My mom had a fling with the Numa Numa guy, remember?

[Museum Director]

Oh, yeah,

[Natalie]

Yeah. You know, man, you're a good docent.

[Museum Director]

Well, speaking of docents, did you know Felix likes turtles? Felix, do the thing. What? You like the turtle kid, right?

[Felix]

What?

[Museum Director]

You were the kid who's like.

[Natalie]

You're the I like turtles kid. I like turtles.

[Felix]

No, I'm. I'm Charlie bit. I'm Charlie bit my finger.

[Museum Director]

You're Charlie bit my finger. So does that mean you said that or you are Charlie. Your name's Felix for Charlie bit my finger.

[Felix]

It's the same thing. And the kid was high.

[Museum Director]

Well, you just created a million trolley Bit my fingers.

[Felix]

So

[Natalie]

apparently, I'm the kid from the apparently video. I have an age today.

[Museum Director]

A lot of upward inflection with that kid.

[Felix]

And I guess, technically, the chocolate rain guy is paying for most of our college.

[Natalie]

Yeah, that's true. No, it's for. He hit a bunch of court orders by accident.

[Felix]

Have you ever seen NBC's the Slap?

[Museum Director]

No.

[Felix]

How to explain.

[Natalie]

Walk over to Chalkboard. It has been zero days since Hay Roto has mentioned the slap.

[Museum Director]

Hey, don't. Oh, don't. Oh, my God.

[Natalie]

What?

[Museum Director]

That's the chalkboard Einstein wrote his theory of relativity on.

[Natalie]

You just probably had a picture of it or something, right?

[Felix]

Oh, my God.

[Museum Director]

Hey, Aaron. Hey, gpc. Can you guys help me figure something out?

[Felix]

Oh, sure.

[Natalie]

Always.

[Museum Director]

I have this charge. I pull up my bank account here. I have this charge that says JPC tax $5,000. It's like a monthly deduction.

[Natalie]

Oh, I. Yes. No, no. I go to your Rocket Money app and have them cancel that for you.

[Museum Director]

Thank God.

[Natalie]

We signed up for the free trial, like, three months ago, and then we forgot about it. And I noticed it. I got, like, a ping from Rocket Money in, and they let me know that I'd been paying for.

[Felix]

Lost another one to Rocket Money. Oh, man. Yeah. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Unless you're me with the GPC tax, and then your savings are dwindling. With Rocket Money, you can do automatic transaction categorization across your accounts, plus customizable categories and tags to reveal spending patterns and add context. Also, if you have, like, in a big event coming up, like something that. Like a wedding or some monumental expense, it helps you plan and save for something like that.

[Natalie]

The app consolidates checking, savings, loans, and investments into a single dashboard to give users a clear view of their financial picture. I've been using Rocket Money for years and years, way before they were ever a sponsor. And I love how easy it is to read and how intuitive it is.

[Museum Director]

Yeah, I love Rocket Money. But Aaron, I do hate that voice. Was that jpc? It sounded like a Rumpelstiltskin type voice. Did you hear that?

[Natalie]

Yeah.

[Felix]

No. So that's just like. That's a voice alert I have on my phone every time someone unsubscribes to the JPC tax. I don't know where it's from or how to turn it off.

[Natalie]

That's kind of scary. We'll deal with that later.

[Felix]

Yeah.

[Museum Director]

Well, let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. [e-mail] Riddle that's RocketMoney.com Riddle RocketMoney.com Riddle

[Felix]

lost another one to Rocket Money.

[Natalie]

Yeah. That's not even coming from your phone.

[Felix]

Yeah.

[Museum Director]

Is that coming from inside of our heads? Maybe.

[Felix]

Yeah. Like heaven maybe.

[Natalie]

Yoicks Blakes JPC it's that time of the year where all of my goals have kind of gone out the window. Cause I am busy, busy, busy, busy, busy. And it is hard to figure out like when to cook and when to go grocery shopping and meal planning. I'm exhausted.

[Felix]

Aaron, my friend, you look it. But have I told you about Tempo? Tempo delivers fresh chef crafted dietitian proof meals right to your door. Plus each meal is perfectly portioned for lunch or dinner and ready in just two minutes. That means real food real fast without the sad desk lunch or drive through regret. Adel, I know you love Tempo.

[Museum Director]

Oh yes, I don't often. I love the word scrumptious. I don't get to use it often. These options are scrumptious and healthy. I've been enjoying the five spice glazed chicken thighs, the chili shrimp rice bowl and one of my favorites, the picante carnitas pork rice bowl. Nom nom, nom nom nom nom.

[Natalie]

And no matter what your goals, there's a Tempo meal for you. Protein packed meals with up to 30 grams of protein, calorie conscious and even GLP1 balanced meals. It's convenient but also flexible enough to fit the way you want to eat. I look it. I look tired.

[Felix]

Look Erin, for a limited time and that might be all you have, Tempo is offering my listeners 60% off your first box. Just go to tempomeals.com riddle that's tempomeals.com riddle rid for 60% off your first box. Templemeels.com riddle rules and restrictions may apply.

[Natalie]

I look it. I look it.

[Museum Director]

You're standing in front of a Mirror.

[Natalie]

I look it.

[Museum Director]

They do exist. Please don't go. If there's anything that is roped off or behind glass, please do not touch it.

[Natalie]

But we can touch any sort of painting.

[Felix]

You said there's treasures that we should go find. You can't change the rules now.

[Museum Director]

They're marked.

[Natalie]

Yeah, with, like, little plaques next to them with when they were made. Right. That's how we'll know to touch them.

[Museum Director]

Okay, everyone, go ahead and split up now and we'll meet back at.

[Felix]

Split up?

[Museum Director]

Yeah, you shouldn't just walk in one big group.

[Felix]

It's part of it that we split up. I thought we were all getting locked in and, like, sleeping in the same room. Weren't you supposed to go camp out?

[Museum Director]

We were sleeping in the museum, but now's the time before bed to run. The whole point is to run around a museum and explore and. No, and I'm gonna say this right now, no sex in the museum.

[Natalie]

Are there cameras? Or is this an honor system kind of thing?

[Museum Director]

We have sex activated cameras. So there are cameras that will only turn on.

[Charlie]

Whoa.

[Museum Director]

If they sense engorgement of private parts. Now, I don't want to get into the technology that that uses.

[Felix]

Is it only for penetrative sex or is it for, like, digital or oral sex?

[Museum Director]

Well, digital is penetrative sex. So is oral.

[Felix]

Not necessarily.

[Museum Director]

You're doing it wrong.

[Felix]

Like, if I'm getting a hand job, nothing's being penetrated.

[Natalie]

Not the hand.

[Felix]

Is the hand getting penetrated? Oh, interesting. In a way. Yeah, I guess.

[Natalie]

Hey, students, can we not be going splitting hairs on this? We're a little short on chaperones, so just listen to the docent. You have to, I think, go to school for, like, 12 years to be a docent. Right?

[Museum Director]

Or it can't be right. Felix, did you go to school for 12 years?

[Felix]

Everyone goes to school for 12 years.

[Museum Director]

10.

[Felix]

Most of these students have gone to school for 12 years. I mean, technically, you don't really need a high school degree to be a docent, but it doesn't heard.

[Natalie]

I know you have some famous toilets here. Are those. Are we allowed to use those as we have?

[Museum Director]

Well, here's the thing. We have some famous toilets, and we also have. It's the only one in the world, the famous Toilet Horse. Now, Toilet Horse, of course, is a insult that Paul Giamatti screamed at me when he visited the museum. That made international news. I'm a bit of a viral sensation, my. Myself, Paul Giamatti screaming.

[Felix]

You call Giamani Toilet Horse guy?

[Museum Director]

He kept calling me A toilet horse. It's really stuck. We do sell toilet horse T shirts in the gift shop, but we have.

[Felix]

Didn't it turn out that he was having a stroke and that's why he was saying toilet horse so much?

[Museum Director]

Yes, he was trying to say get me a tourniquet and get me to my house and it came out toilet horse. Now.

[Felix]

He was pretty bad at that video. Did he die?

[Museum Director]

He did die. Obviously I slapped a dead corpse. Dead corpse is redundant. Obviously.

[Natalie]

My new stepmom is such as beauty pageant contestant.

[Museum Director]

Oh, I'm unfamiliar. Oh, that's the. Such as the America.

[Natalie]

Yeah.

[Museum Director]

Iraq or whatever.

[Natalie]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Felix]

Such as the Iraq.

[Museum Director]

My ex wife was the news anchor who said a man climbed to Mount Everest. The top of Mount Everest. But would you believe he's gay?

[Felix]

Gay.

[Museum Director]

I mean blind.

[Natalie]

One of the best things to ever happen to humanity. Not just the Internet.

[Museum Director]

Truly one of the better newspapers.

[Natalie]

I'm sorry, he's blind.

[Museum Director]

My ex wife, she confused gay and blind quite a bit. She would show up to gay pride.

[Natalie]

Does she have gay woman?

[Felix]

She had gay blindness. A lot of people say they do, but I don't think they really do.

[Museum Director]

Yeah, she had the opposite. So I have gaydar, which is also something. We have an exhibit in the museum for gaydar and my wife was gay. Blind.

[Natalie]

Sorry, can we go back to my original question? Things in the museum are coming alive at night.

[Felix]

You sort of mentioned actually an acronym like radar.

[Natalie]

Uh oh, we're getting away from my original question again and I'm not going to get a straight answer.

[Museum Director]

Just like my ex wife. Well, go ahead and explore, kids.

[Felix]

1, 2, 3, 4. Hate riddle. Riddles. Clue Crew. Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free seven day trial at patreon.com heyriddle riddle.

[Natalie]

Hey everyone, this is Natalie and this is Charlie. We're from the podcast Exploration Live. It's really funny. It's really good. It's really, really very good. And now we have a YouTube CH to go with it.

[Charlie]

That's exactly right, Natalie. You can watch full video episodes of our podcast exploration [e-mail]t. that means that in addition to the audio component, you're also getting a video component component. Exactly where you're seeing our reactions, what kind of clothes we're wearing, you know, and there's a whole suite of dynamics and physical expressions that you can really only get from a full video.

[Natalie]

Body language experts to the front.

[Charlie]

Exactly.

[Felix]

So.

[Charlie]

So come check out Exploration Live, either audio or video.