Patreon Preview #379: Planet Thickness

Summary

Hey Riddle Riddle – Patreon Preview #379: "Planet Thickness"

Release Date: June 12, 2026
Hosts/Performers: Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, John Patrick Coan (with improv characters)
Podcast Theme: Comedic improv, riddles, and puzzles

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Episode Overview

This Patreon preview dives hilariously into gym culture through fully improvised scenes, loosely disguised as a gym orientation at "Planet Thickness." While the stated topic is riddles and puzzles, the cast instead embarks on tangents about gym membership politics, awkward personal dynamics, arson investigations, and even a breakup call—all filtered through rapid-fire character work and absurd banter. As always, the riddle premise is mostly a backdrop for improvised comedy.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. Gym Orientation Gone Awry (00:03–07:18)

• Premise:
  A "Gym Member" brings his reluctant "Brother" to a gym (Planet Thickness) as a plus-one, met by the overzealous and vaguely suspicious "Jim Guy."

• Characters:

  • Jim Guy: Pushy, slightly off-kilter gym employee with a penchant for rule enforcement and obscure personal trauma.
  • Gym Member: Earnest, trying to secure a sweet deal and impress brother.
  • Brother/Personal Trainer: Not a gym person, socially awkward, literal-minded.

• Comedic Beats:

  • Confusion over membership policies and discounts.
  • The "Brother" declares intent to work out for "10 hours"—met with comic dismay (01:27).
  • Clothing debacle: Brother's crop top is policed by Jim, leading to awkward stomach pinching (01:48).
  • Recurring gags about bureaucracy and "decorum policy."
  • Quote (Jim Guy):
    “You can stay and work out here today for one hour, and that is me being nice. This is the nicest you’ll ever see me.” (02:15)
  • Gym deals are denied, based on pseudo-legalistic reasoning (03:36).

• Absurd Personal Details Introduced:

  • Jim Guy shares a possibly incriminating story about a Bob Evans restaurant arson involving "someone who looks just like me" after being denied infinite pancakes (04:28).

2. Gym Policies, Bob Evans, and Legal Loopholes (04:28–07:18)

• Negotiations Escalate:
  Gym deals and personal grievances start to intermingle; absurdist details blur the line between gym lore and criminal confession.

  • Quote (Jim Guy):
    “If something says something on a website like infinite pancakes or deal on gym memberships, people should honor that, right?” (04:56)

• Resolving the Member Dispute:

  • After some hilarious “clever girl/Velociraptor” ribbing regarding policy loopholes (04:58), the reluctant brother is granted extreme discounts, and a suspiciously large “bulk” payment is suggested ($6,200) (05:38).
  • Still more arson jokes and paranoia:
    "Why is the whole gym pointing and laughing like those bastards at Bob Evans?" (05:49)

• Investigator Reveal:

  • The Brother is suddenly retconned as an arson investigator (06:02), jokingly linking him to the Bob Evans incident, twisting the plot into even more bizarre territory.
  • Jim Guy nervously composes himself: "Well, looks like your two years is free." (06:11)

3. Personal Training & The Breakup Call (07:18–10:11)

• A Shift to Life Advice:
  As they leave the front desk, the Gym Member praises their "Brother" (who doubles as a personal trainer) for inspiration, and asks for unusual help:

  • Quote (Gym Member):
    “You promised you would do anything to sort of make my life better. Can you break up with my boyfriend on the phone for me?” (07:58)

• Breakup via Phone–with a Twist:

  • The Brother/Personal Trainer makes the call, addressing the boyfriend comically as "Lettuce" (formerly "Lattice" in the transcription).
  • The breakup dialogue devolves into wordplay ("lettuce tell you why you’re not in a relationship anymore") and confused miscommunication, including improv callbacks and tragic news delivery.
  • Gym Member instructs how to convey reasons (including “terminal illness” and “tragedies that have befallen you this year”), resulting in absurd emotional whiplash for "Lettuce."
  • Quote (Jim Guy as Lettuce):
    “My. What specific. I haven’t opened my doctor’s note yet.” (09:34)
  • Ends with Lettuce’s apparent rap aspirations (“My rap career is just about to take off.”) and a send-off rap:
    “Lattice, lattice, lattice, lattice, hate riddle. Riddles. Cl..." (10:02)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Gym Operations:
  "Nobody starts off a gym guy. Nobody starts off a gym guy." — Jim Guy (00:33)

• Comic Bureaucracy:
  "That could be a problem. No, just kidding. ... I was just doing like a joke about ... No, it's fine. Yeah." — Jim Guy (00:59)

• Personal Trauma Tied to Policy:
  "There’s just this huge arson investigation going on in my personal life." — Jim Guy (04:22)

• Meta-Improv Humor:
  "Clever girl. Velociraptor. Tearing me. Absolutely ripping me. Velociraptor." — Jim Guy, referencing Jurassic Park (04:58)

• The Absurd Breakup:
  “You deserve better. You deserve the world. And I. I’m a moon.” — Brother/Personal Trainer (09:27)
  “It's not because of your terminal illness.” — Brother/Personal Trainer (09:29)
  "You have two weeks to live." — Brother/Personal Trainer (09:53)

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Timestamp Guide to Key Moments

• 00:03–02:32: Gym check-in, initial confusion, crop top incident.
• 02:33–04:28: Membership disputes, personal issues surface (arson/burnt pancakes).
• 04:28–07:18: Escalating negotiation and Bob Evans saga; arson investigation reveal.
• 07:18–10:11: Post-check-in; personal trainer roleplay; handling romantic breakup call.
• 10:12 onward: (Ends core content; promos and unrelated ads begin.)

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Summary Tone & Delivery

The entire episode is steeped in Hey Riddle Riddle’s trademark mix of off-the-cuff improv, rapid banter, and world-building absurdity. The cast's chemistry shines through non-sequiturs, running jokes, deliberate misunderstandings, and self-aware callbacks (like the Jurassic Park “clever girl” moment). Even the most mundane premise (signing up at a gym) becomes a springboard for weird, unpredictable comedy that rewards listeners who enjoy character-driven chaos.

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This summary covers the comedic core of the Patreon preview episode "Planet Thickness." It spotlights the most entertaining and story-driven moments, both for fans of riddles and the improv-averse alike.

Transcript

[Jim Guy]

Hey, guys. Welcome to Planet Thickness. Just go ahead and scan your membership up here. Assuming you're both members, I'm gonna use

[Gym Member]

my monthly plus one. This is my brother. I'm just bringing him around to try to convince him. Oh.

[Jim Guy]

Oh, awesome. You have a brother. That's so cool.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

I'm not a muscle man. I'm not a. I'm not a lifter. I'm not a workout y.

[Gym Member]

He's not really a gym guy, but I'm trying to convert him.

[Jim Guy]

Yeah, that's totally fine. Yeah. I mean, nobody starts off a gym guy. Nobody starts off a gym guy.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Pisses my stomach.

[Gym Member]

And I see you sort of looking through my paperwork. I did mention I had a brother when I signed up.

[Jim Guy]

Yes. I am not seeing that. But I can very easily put it into the system that. That you do have a brother.

[Gym Member]

Thank you.

[Jim Guy]

Great. Same last name.

[Gym Member]

Yes, same last name.

[Jim Guy]

Uh. Oh, that could be a problem. No, just kidding. That's. If I was being difficult, that would. I was just doing like a. Just a joke about. But no, it's fine. Yeah. Okay, great. So. And then how long were you going to work out today?

[Gym Member]

I think maybe like.

[Jim Guy]

I'm not talking to you. I'm not talking to you. I'm just talking to the brother. You can stay as long as you want and work out as long as you want. I'm talking to the brother.

[Gym Member]

Oh, great.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Oh. How long will I be working out?

[Jim Guy]

How long will you be working out?

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

I've never been. Put me down. What do we say, 10 hours or.

[Gym Member]

That's way too much.

[Jim Guy]

That is way too much.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

I don't know how this works.

[Jim Guy]

10 hours.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

I don't know how this works.

[Gym Member]

Put him down for three.

[Jim Guy]

Can I talk to you over here for a second?

[Gym Member]

Me?

[Jim Guy]

No, the brother.

[Gym Member]

Great.

[Jim Guy]

10 hours.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Pinching my stomach.

[Jim Guy]

What?

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Can you stop pinching my stomach?

[Jim Guy]

Your shirt is riding up. This is a gem. We have a decorum policy. Your shirt is riding up. I'm trying to pinch it back down. I'm just trying to pinch it back down.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

I actually cut off. I made, like, a crop top. Because I've seen. How would you say, since the 80s.

[Jim Guy]

I wish I hadn't heard that. I wish I hadn't heard that. Please pinch, pinch, pinch, pinch, pinch how.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Please stop.

[Jim Guy]

You can stay and work out here today for one hour, and that is me being nice. This is the nicest you'll ever see me.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Thank you.

[Jim Guy]

Okay, sir.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Thank you.

[Jim Guy]

Yeah. Okay. God damn. Fuck. Where were we? Okay, so.

[Gym Member]

Fuck.

[Jim Guy]

Where were we?

[Gym Member]

I scanned My thing. And then, like, I just want to give him, like, a little tour and show them how I work out. And then if he likes it, he's open to signing up today. If you have any fun signing bonuses or.

[Jim Guy]

Great. Keep an open mind.

[Gym Member]

Keep an open mind.

[Jim Guy]

Keep an open mind. Okay, well, we will send one of our very aggressive gym helpers to kind of help you. I'm kind of pawing at you.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

This guy's calling someone else aggressive. That scares me, kid.

[Jim Guy]

He's super aggressive. He does not take no for an answer. And he can't legally.

[Gym Member]

He's the nicest guy at the gym. Yeah. Yeah. You're so sweet. Big fan. Big fan.

[Jim Guy]

I heard that.

[Gym Member]

Are there any signing bonuses today? Like, is it, like, only $300 for the first couple months if he signs up today, or does he get a referral code from me? What are. What are some of the good deals we can get?

[Jim Guy]

Yeah. No, sorry. No.

[Gym Member]

If I had note, it says online.

[Jim Guy]

Yes. Okay. Okay. So, yes, you saw online, if he wasn't your brother and he was a complete stranger and we had never met before. Yes, those deals are available to you, but he's already been in the gym once, so he's already kind of seen our secrets.

[Gym Member]

No, this is sort of the first time he's here. Can you just say that?

[Jim Guy]

Oh, this doesn't count. Oh, this doesn't count. I don't matter.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

I did look in the gym, so I did see a lot of the machines and their inner workings. So it seems fair.

[Jim Guy]

This seems fair.

[Gym Member]

No, come on. This is his first time here.

[Jim Guy]

That they don't matter. It's fucked up to look at me and say I don't matter. Do you know what I mean?

[Gym Member]

That's not what I meant. That's not what I meant. Can I talk to you for a second?

[Jim Guy]

I was erased.

[Gym Member]

Me? No, the gym guy.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Okay.

[Jim Guy]

What's up?

[Gym Member]

Sorry, can you.

[Jim Guy]

I'm sorry. I'm having a horrible day.

[Gym Member]

I know. I can totally tell. It's totally fine. Hey, thank you so much for pinching my stomach. My shirt was riding off.

[Jim Guy]

Sorry, Your shirt was riding off? There's just this huge arson investigation going on in my personal life.

[Gym Member]

What? What happened?

[Jim Guy]

Well, somebody who looks a lot like me burnt down a place. Place. A Bob Evans, where he ordered infinite pancakes and was, well, let's just say not given infinite pancakes. And it wasn't me. But I do feel for the guy, I think. You know, he's obviously, like a friend of mine, and it just sucks that it Just sucks that it's happening to him.

[Gym Member]

Hey, we're aligned here. I'm so on your side because obviously if something says something on a website like Infinite Pancakes or deal on gym memberships.

[Jim Guy]

Yes.

[Gym Member]

People should honor that, right?

[Jim Guy]

Oh, fuck. Okay. Fuck. Okay. I see what you did. Clever girl. Velociraptor. Tearing me. Absolutely ripping me. Velociraptor.

[Gym Member]

No, I wouldn't call myself that.

[Jim Guy]

Okay, brother, come over here. You're in. You're in. I'm opening the gates for you. You can get the discount. I'm going to give you every discount. I'm going to give you every opportunity. You're going to be a big feature at this gen.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

When you open the doors, were you making like a heaven. Is that like a heaven sound?

[Jim Guy]

Yeah. So it was. Thank you. Wow. Thank you for noticing.

[Gym Member]

So you pay in two year bulk. So it's going to be like $6,000 or $6,200.

[Jim Guy]

Well, with the discount it'll be 6,200. You guys are going to love it here.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

I assume if I want to kind of stop going. It's just like a one click process. What?

[Jim Guy]

Why is everyone.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Why is the whole gym pointing and

[Jim Guy]

laughing with those bastards at Bob Evans? They got a one click process. Click on my Bic.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Oh, I heard one just burned out that one on that one on Prairie. Trish, you hear about that? That Bob Evans.

[Gym Member]

Yeah, that my brother is investigating that. He is an arson investigator.

[Jim Guy]

Investigator. Okay. Well, let's see. Oh, you know what? It looks like your two years is free.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Oh. Oh my gosh. What would you say your name was again?

[Jim Guy]

My name, Jim Guy is Jim Guy.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Jim Guy. J I M, no G. Oh, that is.

[Gym Member]

Your actual name is Jim.

[Jim Guy]

It's Jim. Like Jim.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

J Y M. J Y M. Okay, Jim. Yeah. Thank you. So I just. Sorry. I have my little guy investigator note.

[Jim Guy]

J H E I Y Wait, why

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

do I have this name already written down in my little investigator prep. Encircled with a question mark.

[Jim Guy]

That's it. Sometimes it's a mistake. I've seen books like that before and it's usually a big mistake.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Hmm.

[Jim Guy]

When it's.

[Gym Member]

Can we get two towels? Before I forget to ask.

[Jim Guy]

Yes, yes. Let me just see where have I placed the towels? You know what?

[Gym Member]

There's burnt towels over there. I can see a pile of sort of burnt towels.

[Jim Guy]

Yeah, that's what those are. That's what those are. Burnt towels.

[Gym Member]

You know what, we're just gonna. I'm gonna give them. We're gonna do a lap around the gym, and we'll come back and we'll fill out the rest of the paperwork,

[Jim Guy]

do a lap in the pool, right? Yeah. Yeah.

[Gym Member]

All right. Thank you, Jim.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Thank you. Thank you, Jim. You're off the hook.

[Jim Guy]

You guys are off the hook. You guys are off the chain.

[Gym Member]

You're kissing my little belly. Okay, here we go. Thank you, Jim. Hey, Mark.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Yeah.

[Gym Member]

You've been a great personal trainer. Like, I love working out with you. My back is getting stronger. You know how you said you were going to help me sort of reach my goals and.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Yes. I trained Oksana Biol for the Olympics, and look at what she did. So I have, you know, I have the experience. I have the credentials, and I think you have what it takes to really. To really, you know, make a name for yourself.

[Gym Member]

Thank you so much. You did promise you would do anything to sort of make my life better. Can you break up with my boyfriend on the phone for me?

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Huh? Can I ask, like, what are the causes? Like, why? What's. What's led up to this?

[Gym Member]

I don't really like him anymore.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

[Gym Member]

His face is kind of annoying to me.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Sure, sure, sure.

[Gym Member]

But like, you. You. You're just such a positive person. I thought, like, your great kind of coach energy would really help let him down.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Here's what I'll do.

[Gym Member]

I'm dialing, and I'm handing you the phone.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

All right. Here. Okay. Thank you.

[Jim Guy]

Go for lettuce.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Hey, is this lettuce?

[Jim Guy]

Yep. Yeah.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Lettuce tell. Maybe lettuce tell you why you're not in a relationship anymore. Click. Oh, sorry. I. I hit redial.

[Gym Member]

Yeah. You're calling him again.

[Jim Guy]

Go for lettuce.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Hey, lettuce.

[Gym Member]

Hey.

[Jim Guy]

You dropped off, baby. What's up? You sound different. You got a cold?

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Yes. He thinks I'm you.

[Jim Guy]

Who said that?

[Gym Member]

Let him down easy.

[Jim Guy]

But who said that?

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

You need to go get your stuff and move out. I love you. I'll never stop loving you. But our love is not meant for this world.

[Jim Guy]

What do you. Hello? What do you mean, I. Baby, what is this?

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

You deserve better. You deserve the world. And I. I'm a moon.

[Gym Member]

Tell him it's not because of his terminal illness.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

It's not because of your terminal illness

[Gym Member]

or all the tragedies that have fallen

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

apart or all the tragedies that have befallen you this year.

[Jim Guy]

My. What specific. I haven't opened my doctor's note yet.

[Gym Member]

Oh, shoot. I forgot.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Oh, shoot, I forgot. I was supposed to tell.

[Gym Member]

Don't Repeat everything I'm saying.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Don't repeat everything I say. What does he have? What does he have?

[Jim Guy]

Hello?

[Gym Member]

Tell him that you're going through a tunnel.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

I'm going through a tunnel.

[Jim Guy]

Don't. Nope.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

You have two weeks to live.

[Jim Guy]

Oh, okay, Great. Good. My rap career is just about to take off.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Ooh, can I hear some?

[Johnny Knoxville]

Oh, great.

[Gym Member]

Oh, no, no, no.

[Jim Guy]

Lattice, lattice, lattice, lattice, lattice, lattice, lattice, lattice, lattice, lattice, lattice.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

I think he's going through a tunnel.

[Jim Guy]

No, I'm not. I'm here. 1, 2, 3, 4. Hate riddle. Riddles. Cl Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free 7 day trial at patreon.com heyriddle riddle

[Gym Member]

hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that was us now on Headgum.

[Gym Member]

Each episode we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show. This is us.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

That's right.

[Jim Guy]

We're gonna go episode by episode.

[Gym Member]

We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Yeah. Are we go?

[Jim Guy]

Yes, a little bit. Are we going to laugh a lot? A whole lot.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.

[Johnny Knoxville]

Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

And I'm Jeff Tremaine.

[Johnny Knoxville]

Welcome to Jackass the Podcast, A new show coming to.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Coming to. That's what it is.

[Johnny Knoxville]

Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

And I'm Jeff Tremaine.

[Johnny Knoxville]

Welcome to Jackass the Podcast, a new show coming to head gum soon.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Woohoo. I've learned a Jackass movie has to be really 90 minutes. Every minute over is a minute to go.

[Johnny Knoxville]

Apparently there's only so much butthole you can take. We're gonna take you behind the scenes of our entire history. All the best bits, bad behavior and even worse decisions.

[Jim Guy]

All of it.

[Johnny Knoxville]

Sometimes we don't make the right decisions. Jeff.

[Jim Guy]

I noticed that every.

[Johnny Knoxville]

Every so often with guests like Spike Jones.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

I think let's commit to Jackass the podcast.

[Jim Guy]

What was it going to be called?

[Johnny Knoxville]

The Jackass Podcast Podcast.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Without you, the IQ drops significantly.

[Johnny Knoxville]

Steve O. There's a strong chance that were it not for Jackass, that I would be in clown makeup right this minute. Chris Pontius, that shot of your butt

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

just cruising up, I'm like, yeah, I got that on tv. God bless us.

[Johnny Knoxville]

Dave England.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Yeah. When you come in and you're being really nice, like, damn it, something bad's

[Jim Guy]

gonna happen to me.

[Johnny Knoxville]

Wee Man. Jeff grabbed me from the back of the head and threw a punch.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

The whole bar just stopped and wanted to kill me.

[Jim Guy]

Like ah.

[Johnny Knoxville]

And some of the crew that's been with us from the beginning.

[Jim Guy]

I had to share a room with this guy.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

I left a nice surprise in the

[Johnny Knoxville]

toilet for him every time. Apparently he hates to flush. Subscribe to Jackass the Podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcast, Podcast, Pocket Cast, or wherever the hell you get podcasts.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Our new episodes drop on June 18th.

[Jim Guy]

Woo.

[Brother / Personal Trainer]

Look out for new episodes in your feed every Thursday.

[Johnny Knoxville]

Watch video episodes on YouTube and follow along with us on Instagram and Tik Tok at Jackass the Podcast, what were we just talking about?

[Jim Guy]

Probably buttholes.