Patreon Preview #384: Public Access 16

Summary

Hey Riddle Riddle – Patreon Preview #384: Public Access 16

Release Date: July 17, 2026
Hosts: Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, John Patrick Coan (JPC)
Theme: Improv Chaos with "History of Trees" and Faux Public Access TV

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Episode Overview

This episode is a wild, improvisational foray as the Hey Riddle Riddle crew simulates a chaotic "public access" TV show, blending riddles, spontaneous sketches, and meta-commentary. The trio, joined by in-universe producer characters, tackles the audience suggestion "The History of Trees, Part 1," riffing on dysfunctional production staff, technical difficulties, chat messages, and breaking news (all in-character). The vibe is playful, energetic, and self-consciously absurd, exemplifying the podcast’s detour-heavy, barely-about-riddles humor.

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Key Discussion Points and Moments

1. Opening: Setting Up the Public Access Improv (00:02–00:29)

• The group decides to improvise episodes of fictitious TV shows suggested by a listener named Rachel.
• Choices: "Blueberries Clubhouse," "The History of Trees, Part 1," and "Happy Easter, you bastards."
• JPC selects "The History of Trees, Part 1," launching the main segment.

Quote:
"Over 1,000 years ago, the first tree was born in a cold, dark, uncaring universe." — JPC (00:36)

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2. Technical Difficulties & Production Mayhem (00:29–01:55)

• The in-character dynamic introduces "Brett" and "Terry," playing off bumbling assistant/producer and sibling energy.
• Ongoing issues with missing printouts and broken printers intensify the farcical tone.
• A running gag about "plugs" and Gregorian chant music.

Quote:
"He does Gregorian chant." — Terry (played by a host, 02:05)
"I'm in my post, grad." — Terry (02:08)

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3. The (Very Improvised) History of Trees (01:55–04:53)

• JPC tries to impart factual information in a documentary tone, hampered by interruptions and meta-commentary from Brett and Terry.
• The “chat” (representing a live audience) gives real-time feedback, which Brett reads aloud, creating another layer of parody.
• Skewered attempts to weave in science, evolution, apples, with absurd, tangential asides about union status and living arrangements.

Quote:
"In the universe. Atoms. Traveling great distances, smashing into him." — JPC (02:32)
"You don't have to do it for everything. It could just—you could..." — JPC to the others (03:45)

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4. Skits Spinning Out: Brotherly Dysfunction & Faux Science (04:53–06:55; resumes post-ads at 08:45)

• Banter about whether “Two and a Half Men” featured brothers.
• Character Brett claims brother Terry is better at producing, leading to confusion about shared printers and living situation.
• JPC (as host) expresses disbelief about two adult brothers living together.
• The show veers into a “cuddle minute” that quickly turns into satirical ad reads (Tempo meals and Quince clothing) — skippable as per instructions.

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5. Resuming the Chaos: Bark & Breaking News (08:45–10:47)

• The show dramatically returns to “tree history,” with interruptions dramatizing storms, the chat lighting up, and then fake breaking news.
• An entirely fabricated news alert about Brad Pitt’s (fictional) death, humorously forced to tie back to trees ("Brad Pitt was hung from a tree").
• Hosts revel in the absurdity of needing to integrate the topic of trees with celebrity news.

Quote:
"Breaking news. Brad Pitt was hung from a tree. Come on. This can't be right." — JPC (10:23)
"You told him to. You told Terry—have it relate back to trees." — Brett (10:34)

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6. Sibling Rivalry, Divorce, and Meta-Commentary (10:47–13:26)

• The in-character "you’re jealous I have a brother" thread grows, with a sudden appearance of JPC’s (fictional) brother Jack — who is silent in the room and "going through a divorce."
• JPC gets protective of Jack, while the others roast the premise.
• Brett gives Jack advice—he needs to "grow bark" to survive life’s elements, tying everything back to the tree motif.

Quote:
"You need to grow bark, Jack, to protect yourself from the elements of life." — Brett (12:20)

• The "History of Trees" tries to resume with actual science about proto-trees and extinct species, but the comedy undermines any possibility of seriousness.
• The outro teases the full episode and Patreon subscription.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• JPC (mock dramatic): "Over 1,000 years ago, the first tree was born in a cold, dark, uncaring universe." (00:36)
• Brett (meta): "Thank you for calling me a producer. Because you've been calling me an assistant a lot, and I actually really needed the validation." (01:34)
• Terry (non sequitur): "I'm in my post, grad." (02:08)
• JPC (annoyed): "Don't read the chat. Don't just read the chat." (03:07)
• Brett (live feedback): "The chat. That was the only thumbs up we've gotten so far from that." (02:51)
• Terry (breaking news): "Live from Brad Pitt. He died from a tree. Something like that." (10:15)
• JPC (darkly comic): "Breaking news. Brad Pitt was hung from a tree. Come on. This can't be right." (10:23)
• Adal (tree as metaphor): "Protect yourself from the elements of life." (12:25)

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Noteworthy Segments & Timestamps

• Choosing improv show, launching "History of Trees" – 00:02–00:36
• Botched documentary intro, live chat feedback – 01:29–03:07
• Arguments about production, unions, and living together – 03:54–04:44
• The fake breaking news tangent (Brad Pitt, trees) – 09:00–10:47
• Appearance of host’s “divorcing brother” Jack – 11:19–12:06
• Philosophical wrap-up via nonsensical tree facts – 12:20–13:26

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Tone & Takeaways

The episode is a pitch-perfect lampoon of public access television chaos, with the cast delighting in technical mishaps, inept producers, and surreal segues. The humor is rapid-fire, meta, and steeped in the group’s signature mix of improv weirdness and gentle self-mockery. For listeners expecting straight riddles, it’s a reminder: this podcast “is barely about them,” but always about fun, unpredictable collaboration.

For full access, listeners are prompted to check out Patreon.

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Transcript

[A]

Okay, well, let's calm down and let's just improvise both TV shows. Great, Aaron, because you said that, I'm going to have JPC go first. Jpc, your options from Rachel in Arkansas. Thank you, Rachel. Are.

[B]

Thank you, Rachel.

[A]

Blueberries Clubhouse the History of Trees, Part 1. And Happy Easter, you bastards.

[B]

Adel. I'm going with History of Trees, Part 1.

[A]

Beautiful.

[B]

Over 1,000 years ago, the first tree was born in a cold, dark, uncaring universe.

[C]

So

[B]

Brett was supposed to give me copy for this episode. I don't have copy for this episode, so.

[C]

I told you my printer broke.

[B]

I know, Brett.

[C]

My printer broke.

[B]

But that's not a text that. I need one minute before the show starts. Okay, that's not a text. I need one minute before.

[C]

We'll do it.

[B]

It's fine.

[C]

It's probably a minute and a half before the show.

[B]

It's fine. It's fine. I remember some of it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hey, Brett.

[C]

What?

[B]

You're a producer. Be a producer. Okay, don't tell me. Just talk. That's not helpful with me.

[C]

Thank you for calling me a producer. Because you've been calling me an assistant a lot through this process, and I actually really needed the validation.

[B]

This was your shot. This was. Hey, Terry.

[C]

I hired Terry.

[A]

You can come see the local Gregorian chant, huh?

[C]

No, Terry, it's not time for plugs yet.

[A]

Apologies.

[B]

It's never time for plugs. It's never time for plugs. Terry, you said you were going to hire a guy to do the music. I thought that was a guy in post. I didn't think that was going to be your brother, Terry.

[C]

He does Gregorian chant.

[A]

I'm in my post, grad.

[B]

Oh, well, I'm sorry, Terry. I didn't know that you were a post graduation.

[A]

Why would you say it like that?

[B]

Guys, it's just. We're gonna do the History of Trees.

[C]

Yeah. We're live. Go ahead.

[B]

I know we're live. The big bang. A sudden smack borva. Smack. Terry.

[A]

Shh.

[B]

Okay. Doesn't matter. One more try. In the universe. Adams. Traveling great distances, smashing into him.

[A]

I'm Adam. I'm Adam.

[B]

No, Terry. Unnecessary. Unnecessary. Adam's the chat.

[C]

Really liked that part. The chat. That was the only thumbs up we've gotten so far from that.

[B]

The chat. What do you mean, the chat?

[C]

Yeah, we're getting in real time. Live feedback, people said. I think he started way too far back. If we're talking about trees, why are we talking about the Bing bag? Oh, I loved that Adam part. Terry is a Great addition to the show.

[B]

Don't read the chat. Don't just read the chat.

[C]

And that comes from Terry and Brett's mom, 6,000.

[B]

Why is it Terry and Brett's mom? Brett? I thought you were older.

[C]

I am. She went alphabetically. Wait.

[B]

The roots of the first tree dig into the new soil of a burgeoning universe. Why was that? Apple. Apples. Apples. Apples start to grow.

[A]

Apples.

[B]

It doesn't. You don't have to do it for everything. It could just. You could. What'd you get, Brett? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[A]

I'm union, okay?

[C]

Sorry, Scab.

[B]

What union are you? I thought you were post grad.

[C]

Hey, don't cough, man. This is a professional setting. Don't cough.

[B]

I thought you were post cred.

[A]

I am.

[B]

This is not helpful, Brett.

[A]

This is already graduated, and now I'm in a union.

[B]

Okay, I hate to say this, but, Brett, you're better at it.

[C]

What?

[B]

Terry, maybe you're a better producer. Could you print off? Could you find a way to print off?

[A]

My printer's broken.

[C]

We share a printer.

[B]

You guys live together?

[C]

Yeah, of course we live together. He's my brother. He's my big brother. No, I'm his big brother.

[B]

You're adults. Adult brothers don't necessarily live together.

[C]

Yes, they do.

[A]

Excuse me.

[B]

Bark.

[A]

Two and a Half Men.

[B]

Nature's armor Living. Were they brothers in that show?

[A]

I've never thought.

[C]

I never seen it. Hey, guys. Can't talk long. A very crazy week. I've got about 60 seconds to hang out with you guys. I'm really on the go this time of the year.

[B]

Okay, we don't have to talk. I just want to kind of spend our minute hanging out, cuddling, if everyone's cool with that.

[C]

Yeah, I'll be the big spoon, as per usual. You know what's been helping me so much this week, guys? Having my Tempo meals. Tempo delivers fresh chef created dietitian approved meals right to your door.

[A]

Well, Aaron, sweetie, that's. And let me just snuggle in between here. That's the thing is, with Tempo, each meal is perfectly portioned for lunch or dinner and ready in just two minutes. That means real food, real fast, without, you know, like, sad podcast studio lunch, or like, drive through regret.

[B]

Mm. Plus, with 20 new recipes every week made from nutrient rich ingredients, Tempo keeps things exciting and helps you stay consistent with healthy habits. Hey, speaking of keeping things exciting, why don't I be the tiny, sharp fork?

[A]

Ow.

[C]

Ugh. Okay, we'll try it. No matter what your goals, there's a Tempo meal for you protein packed meals with up to 30 grams of protein, calorie conscious and even GLP1 based meals. I love the filet mignon with creamy mushroom sauce. 30 grams of protein. Gorgeous. Makes your home smell nice. Cozy cozy meal in your belly. Ugh. The best.

[B]

Let me get my tiny fork and that.

[A]

Speaking of the best, even busy athletes like Maria Sharapova.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Don't say a word Maria. But thanks for coming.

[B]

Dynamite smile.

[A]

Even she swears by Tempo for balanced meals that help them stay on top of their wellness goals. Bye Maria. Thanks for stopping by.

[B]

And for a limited time, Tempo is offering my listeners 60% off your first box. Just go to Tempo meals.com riddle that's tempomeals.com riddle for 60% off your first box. Tempomeals.com riddle rules and restrictions may apply.

[A]

Sharapova, you're snuggling us too. Don't say a word.

[C]

Don't say a word. It's really nice to see you.

[A]

Don't say anything.

[B]

Hey everybody. JPC here. You know, one thing I love about summer is how easy everything feels. The days are a little more relaxed and I find myself reaching for the same comfortable go anywhere pieces again and again. That is why I love Love Quince. Quince's 100% European linen pants and shirts are breathable, easy to throw on, and the summer upgrade your rotation needs starting at just $34. I absolutely love their linen shirts. I wear my Quince linen shirts all summer long. They're light, they're breezy. It's the best feeling in the summertime. Plus their tees are soft enough to live in all day and the lightweight cotton sweaters are exactly what you want when the summer nights cool down. Everything at quince is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands and they work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen. So you're paying for exceptional quality, not brand markup. And it's not just clothing. Quint's has home goods. They have sheets. They became a trusted favorite from everything from home to travel to everyday essentials. Plus I played Peter Quince in Midsummer Night's Dream when I was in high school and maybe one time after that. I think I've been in it twice, so make your summer wardrobe easier. Go to quints.com riddle for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com riddle for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com riddle. Actually, guys, I've said quince so much, I'm now remembering I played bottom of the Weaver. I did not play Peter Quince and Midsummer Night's Dream in high school. And one other time after that. Played bottom the Weaver twice. Bark. Nature's armor protecting from the elements that threaten to destroy the noble tree.

[C]

Thunder. Lightning. Thunder. Lightning.

[A]

Oh, the chat's blown up. The chat's blown up.

[C]

What are they saying?

[B]

Stop.

[C]

Don't. Brad Pittime Brad Pittai. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[A]

We gotta respond to this as a producer.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

You have to respond to this.

[B]

What do you mean? We have.

[A]

We have to be. We have an opportunity. We have a huge opportunity to be first to control the news.

[B]

We're hearing about it from someone in our chat.

[C]

This is like the lady at the end of disclosure day who happened to be the one who was on the desk when they found out about the aliens. What?

[B]

Stop, Brett. Stop spoiling newer movies.

[C]

That's not that new.

[B]

This is not the avenue to spoil newer movies. Okay, people.

[C]

What?

[B]

Wait.

[C]

You're gonna wait for part two of the History of Trees to learn how to do breaking news? Come on, break the news.

[B]

This is not a. It's not a breaking news anything. It's just about. It's just about trees, guys. It's just about trees.

[C]

We have a responsibility when we're on live tv.

[B]

Okay, fine. Okay. And Terry, you typed this up. You typed up something about Brad Pitt's death in prison.

[A]

Yeah, Just read it verbatim. It kind of works. So the printer cohesively works. Blends together trees and Brad Pitt.

[B]

Okay, so the printer's working, basically, is what? It doesn't matter. I'll just read it.

[C]

The printer here is working. The printer at our house is broken.

[A]

I can also write it up on giant poster board a la snl.

[B]

No, this is fine.

[C]

Live from Brad Pitt. He died from a tree. Something like that.

[A]

Then saxophone. And then we pump in saxophone.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. Breaking news also. I'll do the voice. Breaking news. Brad Pitt was hung from a tree. Come on. This can't be right. This is what happened.

[C]

You told him to. You told him. You told Terry what? Have it relate back to trees.

[B]

No, I didn't. Terry said it seamlessly relates to trees. I didn't give him that. Oh, God.

[A]

Seamless. If you don't call it out.

[C]

I know what this is. I know what this is. You're jealous that you don't have a brother. I brought my brother to work and we have this whole brother thing happening. It's Terry and Brett. Brett and Terry. You have a whole thing going on and you're jealous.

[A]

You have a whole sort of like scat. It's almost like Scatman, but with Gregorian chants.

[B]

What? I have a brother. You guys have met my brother multiple times.

[C]

I don't think so.

[B]

He's here. He's here today. He's just sitting quietly.

[A]

Where?

[B]

Oh, I'm.

[C]

Oh, that guy.

[B]

Yes, that's my brother Jack. He's here watching because he's going through a divorce and I just can't leave him alone.

[C]

He's blowing up our group chat. He's fucking. He's nothing but complaint.

[B]

What?

[C]

You're an idiot. This is. I would rather go through my divorce again than watch one more second of this. This is brutal stuff.

[B]

Jack, is that. Oh, my God, Jack, is that true? Yeah. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that for my brother who's going through a divorce. Don't do that for him.

[A]

Divorce isn't a tunnel. You're either divorced or you're not.

[C]

You know what you need, Jack?

[B]

It's a process. It could be a long process.

[C]

No, it's like hitting a brick wall. It's just one. What? You never know. It's like the big bang, like you were talking about earlier. Snap. And you're divorced.

[B]

Don't snap into the mic, please. God damn it. Okay, great. And now the episode's gonna get taken off of YouTube because I cursed.

[C]

You need to grow bark, Jack, to protect yourself from the elements of life.

[A]

Protect yourself from the elements of life.

[B]

Don't. Don't start doing the voice, Terry. Brett, do not start. That's my one thing.

[C]

No, you can't do that.

[B]

Why not? Doesn't feel good, does it?

[C]

He's union.

[B]

I. What Union is he?

[C]

400 million years ago, the earliest proto trees and land based forests emerged. Early examples like the extinct Archaeotrepetus were the first woody trees utilizing scores for production.

[B]

What are you giving.

[C]

Give me the pig Deep. My memory.

[B]

Hey, you printed this off your printer's? Not broken your printer's die.

[C]

Choose Jack. Jack.

[A]

No, not Jack.

[C]

Choose me.

[A]

See,

[C]

I learned a lot here today. Yeah.

[B]

1, 2, 3, 4. Hate riddle riddles. Clue Crew, listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free 7 day trial at patreon.com heyriddleriddle

[C]

hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[B]

Sterling K. Brown.

[A]

And I'm Chris Sullivan.

[B]

And we host the podcast that was us now on Headgum.

[C]

Each episode, we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show.

[A]

This is us. That's right.

[C]

We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are we gon.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

A little bit.

[B]

Are we gonna laugh a lot? A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that. Was us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.