*UNLOCKED* Clue Crew #250: Melancholy and the Infinite Santas

Summary

Hey Riddle Riddle - UNLOCKED Clue Crew #250: Melancholy and the Infinite Santas

Host: Headgum
Release Date: December 1, 2024

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Overview

In episode #250 of Hey Riddle Riddle titled "UNLOCKED Clue Crew: Melancholy and the Infinite Santas," listeners are immersed in a whimsical and chaotic narrative centered around multiple incarnations of Santa Claus. This installment diverges from the show's typical focus on riddles and puzzles, instead presenting an elaborate, improv-style storyline filled with humor, tension, and surreal interactions among various Santa personas. The episode explores themes of tradition, retirement, identity, and the darkly comedic notion of maintaining the Santa mythos through increasingly absurd means.

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I. The Infinite Santa Conundrum

The episode opens with Fort Wayne Santa delivering a monologue that sets the stage for the central mystery: How does Santa manage to deliver presents to every child on Earth despite the ever-growing population? His musings delve into the logistics and paradoxes of Santa's seemingly impossible task, hinting at deeper implications behind Santa's eternal existence.

[00:02] Fort Wayne Santa: "How could this be? Man has pondered for ages... But I witnessed a scene that you must hear about at the North Pole this Christmas."

This introduction serves as both a humorous take on the logistical impossibility and a segue into the unfolding drama among the Santas.

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II. The Retirement Rift

The narrative tension arises when Fort Wayne Santa confronts Old Santa about retirement. Old Santa, who vehemently refuses to retire, embodies the resistance to change and clings to the traditional role of Santa Claus.

[03:43] Fort Wayne Santa: "Cause it's like this is our last moment of chill before, like, Christmas gonna start in earnest."

[06:01] Old Santa: "Part number one, old Santa's got a bit of a gambling problem... Part number two, I don't think there is a retirement."

The dialogue highlights Old Santa's reluctance and introduces a system where Santas must retire, with rumors suggesting brutal consequences for those who refuse.

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III. Introduction of Diverse Santa Personas

As the episode progresses, various Santa characters enter the scene, each with unique traits and quirks:

• Father Christmas: The refined counterpart to Old Santa, contrasting traditional and modern Santa tropes.

  [03:06] Father Christmas: "Well done, old chap. Very good."

• Sexy Santa: A more flamboyant and irreverent version of Santa, bringing a playful and edgy dynamic to the group.

  [08:21] Father Christmas: "Is that Lionel Richie Santa?"

• Science Santa: A Santa focused on logical explanations and scientific approaches to Santa-related phenomena.

  [12:08] Old Santa: "Science Santa, could you come over here."

These introductions add layers of complexity and humor, reflecting the myriad ways Santa can be interpreted in popular culture.

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IV. Comedy Santa's Failed Performance

A pivotal moment features Comedy Santa attempting stand-up, only to be panned by the audience. Jake Santa, another version of Santa, exacerbates the situation with his lackluster jokes, leading to boos and frustration among the Santas.

[29:40] Old Santa: "What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party? Boo."

[30:44] Fort Wayne Santa: "Well, Comedy Santa, that backfired. Who knew Jake Santa would be so goddamn funny?"

This segment satirizes the challenges of maintaining Santa's image in diverse settings, poking fun at the commercialization and fragmentation of the Santa archetype.

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V. The Dark Turn: Santas Consuming Their Own

The narrative takes a darkly comedic twist when it's revealed that to sustain the Santa myth, older or non-compliant Santas are systematically killed and consumed by their peers. This grotesque revelation underscores the lengths to which the Santas go to preserve the illusion of Santa Claus.

[44:54] Fort Wayne Santa: "Kill and eat him first."

[45:15] Old Santa: "We start as petulant teens and we turn into bloodthirsty monsters."

The absurdity and dark humor in this plot point highlight the absurd lengths of myth perpetuation, wrapped in a Santa-themed carnage.

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VI. Fort Wayne Santa: The Reluctant Hero

Amid the chaos, Fort Wayne Santa emerges as the protagonist attempting to thwart the Santas' macabre plan. His resistance embodies hope and the desire to preserve the true spirit of Christmas without the underlying violence.

[47:21] Fort Wayne Santa: "I just watched you guys kill and eat. Original Santa. Yes. I love it. No, nothing that works for me."

[48:22] Fort Wayne Santa: "All three are strip clubs."

Fort Wayne's efforts to maintain peace and reject the violent tradition position him as a beacon of sanity and compassion amidst the madness.

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VII. Climactic Confrontation and Resolution

The episode culminates in a confrontation where Fort Wayne Santa confronts Old Santa and the other Santas about their destructive practices. Despite initial resistance, Fort Wayne's genuine love for his role and community begins to influence the other Santas.

[48:07] Old Santa: "Yeah, right. Loving Fort Wayne."

[48:10] Fort Wayne Santa: "No, I do. It's genuinely."

The resolution hints at a potential transformation within the Santas, suggesting that unity and genuine goodwill could override the dark traditions they uphold.

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VIII. Conclusion and Reflections

"Melancholy and the Infinite Santas" serves as a satirical exploration of tradition, identity, and the commercialization of cultural myths. Through its ensemble of diverse Santa characters, the episode humorously critiques the fragmentation of iconic figures in contemporary society. The underlying message advocates for preserving the true spirit of roles like Santa Claus, emphasizing authenticity over the perpetuation of damaging traditions.

Notable throughout the episode are recurring jokes and humorous exchanges that maintain a light-hearted tone despite the darker themes. The use of multiple Santas with distinct personalities allows for rich comedic interplay, keeping listeners entertained while subtly inviting reflection on the roles we assign to legendary figures.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Fort Wayne Santa on Santa's Impossibility:

  [00:02] "How could this be? Man has pondered for ages... But I witnessed a scene that you must hear about at the North Pole this Christmas."

• Old Santa's Defiance:

  [06:03] "There is no retirement. I think they take you out and they shoot you in the back of the head."

• Comedy Santa's Joke:

  [29:40] "What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party? Boo."

• Fort Wayne Santa Confronts Violence:

  [44:55] "Kill and eat him first."

• Final Appeal for Authenticity:

  [48:10] "I do. It's genuinely."

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Final Thoughts

This episode of Hey Riddle Riddle diverges into a unique storytelling format, blending improvisational comedy with dark humor to present a multifaceted portrayal of Santa Claus. "Melancholy and the Infinite Santas" offers listeners a fresh and entertaining perspective on a beloved figure, wrapped in layers of satire and imaginative narrative. Whether dissecting the logistical impossibilities of Santa's global gift-giving or navigating the interpersonal dynamics among countless Santa variants, the episode remains a memorable addition to the Hey Riddle Riddle series.

Transcript

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Oh, Christmas time comes but once a year, with Santa Claus spreading presents and cheer. He flies through the sky, gifts piled high in his sleigh for the children to open upon Christmas Day. And while this act brings both joy and elation, should we not consider his deeds implication? How does Santa, that jolly old gnome, have time to visit every child's home? As Earth's population continues to grow, his time stays consistent, and so that ratio should theoretically spiral out of control. And yet, not once has he failed his Christmas goal. How could this be? Man has pondered for ages, yet doctors, philosophers, druids, and sages have all come up short in their explanation, until. Well, that is, for this humble narration. Who am I? Not important. I'd rather not say. But I have a perversion that involves Christmas Day. Peeping Tom. Looky Lou. A voyeur if you're French. I gaze into windows while cranking my wrench. Look, I know I'm a monster, but please hear me out, for I witnessed a scene that you must hear about at the North Pole this Christmas, all covered in snow, there's me pants pulled down, pressed to the window. And when I gazed in, what did I see but a room full of Santas staring back at me? Man, they beat my ass. I know I deserved it. I am, after all, an old Christmas pervert. And if you call me a liar, well, that would be a shame. For I tell you this, truly, when they beat me, I came.

[Old Santa]

What was that?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Oh, just another Christmas pervert. I. I chased him off. Don't worry about it.

[Old Santa]

Okay.

[Father Christmas]

Well done, old chap. Very good. As I say my classic phrase, pip, pip, pip. I know that's. You all say, ho, ho, ho. But me, Father Christmas, I'm a little bit more refined.

[Old Santa]

If Father Christmas ever tell you about the time that I. What was I saying? Yes.

[Father Christmas]

Out with a chap. Haven't got all days. Thatcher wants me home by midnight.

[Old Santa]

Oh, is it midnight? What month is it?

[Father Christmas]

That's December, old boy.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

It's Christmas eve. It's the 24th. We all have to go to work at midnight.

[Father Christmas]

Yes.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Hey, can I ask you guys a favor? Could you. Can we just not with this right now? Cause it's like this is our last moment of chill before, like, Christmas gonna start in earnest. And all the Santas, we have to go out and. Could you just. Could we not.

[Old Santa]

I'm too young to retire. Stop trying to push me out of here. I push you back. Ow. You heard me when I pushed you.

[Father Christmas]

Oh, dear, you forgot your spectacles. Every year with this one I mean, eventually, all the Santas have to go. At some point, there's just too many. And of course, new Santas will arise and appear organically on Earth somewhere buried under rubble. To take the place of the retired.

[Old Santa]

Santas, you will have to drag old Santa out of here. Because this is my dream job, and I got another thousand years than me.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Come on. Come on, Santa. I mean, obviously, you're. You're like. You're old. You're very old.

[Old Santa]

Quiz me, Test me. Do whatever you gotta do.

[Father Christmas]

You didn't know what month it was?

[Old Santa]

What day's Christmas?

[Father Christmas]

Yeah, sure.

[Old Santa]

Sometimes I think it's Tuesdays, right?

[Father Christmas]

This is turning into a cave Santa issue all over again. Remember cave Santa? The very first Santa ever. How we let him work for too long, and by the end, it was just really bad?

[Old Santa]

Yeah, but that's not gonna happen with me. I'm young, I'm nimble, see? And I kick up my heels.

[Father Christmas]

Oh, broke your leg?

[Old Santa]

Yep.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Old Santa. Can I ask you a question? I know. Look, I know I'm just a little regional Santa. Okay? I'm like. I'm Fort Wayne Santa. So I'm like. I'm small potatoes.

[Old Santa]

You work your way up, kid. No. Get your peace.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

I don't have ambitions. I love where I am. I love what I do. I'm Fort Wayne Santa, and that's just what I'll be. I gotta ask you a question. Why don't you just take the retirement? Tell me that it's not that you believe the rumors, how there is no retirement. It's just the original Santa taking you out behind the Santa shed to have you gaze off into the distance and saying, there, the retirement train is coming. As he, like, blasts you in the head.

[Old Santa]

Fort Wayne said, come sit on my lap. I'll tell you a little story about why I'm not going to retire.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Your bones are so brittle. I'm not going to.

[Father Christmas]

Avian bones. Avian bones.

[Old Santa]

2. Two parts of the kill. Get on my lap. Two parts of this story.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

I heard a crunch.

[Old Santa]

Part number one, old Santa's got a bit of a gambling problem. From January through April, every year, I go to Vegas and I gamble with most of my money. Don't have much of a retirement fund. It's. And then part number two, I don't think there is a retirement. I think they take you out and they shoot you in the back of the head.

[Father Christmas]

I've seen your bets. This old Santa bets on the Sacramento Kings to win the Super Bowl.

[Old Santa]

The Sacramento Kings should win the Super Bowl. They're playing the Celtics in the Super Bowl. They're both favored to win in February. Yeah, yeah.

[Father Christmas]

Listen, I don't know if it's true, the rumor that, you know, Santa takes you out behind, you know, but I hear we have a good pension. Oops, sorry, said that wrong. We have good venison for the rest of our days. Or the deer you can eat.

[Old Santa]

I don't eat the deer. Because there and.

[Father Christmas]

Yeah. Old Santa, wake up. Tip, Tip. Hey, you know that these aren't the original reindeer, right? You know that every year we cook and eat them and then we have new ones and we rename them the same names to keep the illusion alive.

[Old Santa]

Father Christmas, let me tell you something good. You tell him. I know you talking to me like I don't. You're so condescending. You went to Oxford and you think. Yes, you're just. Cause your suit is nicer than our shoot.

[Father Christmas]

Oh, Oxford boys, we never forget anything. We ace all our tests and we are bringin. We love our moms and dads and we all bow to the queen. Old Oxford boys now becoming Oxford teens.

[Old Santa]

Fort way sandal. I'm gonna fight em. I'm gonna fight him.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

No, look. Hey, look. Puget, see, can we just not. Can we just calm down, okay? We're all Santas here. Let's just relax, okay? Let's enjoy this. This is our last. Our last moment to just like, be before the fucking.

[Old Santa]

Did somebody say let's enjoy this?

[Father Christmas]

Is that Lionel Richie Santa? What is.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Carolyn.

[Old Santa]

Sexy Santa? Sorry, it's just drip.

[Father Christmas]

Lionel Richie's just standing next to him.

[Old Santa]

Water. What's up?

[Father Christmas]

Hey, sexy Santa. Oh, I see you got me a teddy bear. Bear spelled B A R E. Yeah.

[Old Santa]

I'm just getting ready for Christmas Eve. You know how it is, baby. You guys relaxing? Getting nimble before the big night?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Sexy Santa, could you put a shirt on?

[Old Santa]

Mm, I could, but my arms are so tired from arm day, baby. Hurts to lift them over my head. Baby, don't.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

You know what this is? Bad vibes. I'm going to go outside. I'm going to try to cool off.

[Father Christmas]

Of course, Sexy Santa. We were just talking about the reindeer. I don't know if you know or have noticed, but I myself, Father Christmas, of course, ride ponies. I ride horses around on my sleigh. Of course old Santa uses reindeer. What does sexy Santa use for his sleigh?

[Old Santa]

Oh, that's easy. I ride gym equipment through the sky.

[Father Christmas]

Oh. Oh, a bow flex. I see apropos, there's a bow on it. Yes.

[Old Santa]

And if that's not working, I ride my water bed all the way to the roofs of all the hot single ladies. I go down their chimneys. Wink. Leave them a couple of gifts. Wink. And I do my thing. Yeah, I do the same thing. I go to the ladies houses or leave gifts. And that's what I do too. Old Santa.

[Father Christmas]

Oh, very good. Well, sexy Santa, it's great to see you. I mean, famously one of the most coveted and written to Santas. We have some of your letters here from some of the single women. Shall I read them?

[Old Santa]

Read em to me. Lays down on couch, eats an apple.

[Father Christmas]

Oh, that's old Santa. That's not a couch.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Oh.

[Old Santa]

Whoa. Sorry, old man. That's okay. Santa used to people sitting on my lap. I'm a Santa.

[Father Christmas]

Dear sexy Santa. Please, oh please, oh please. Come again. Wink. Smiley face, Eggplant drawing. Uh, let's see here.

[Old Santa]

Boring. I get those all the time. Did you know that Santa Baby was written about me?

[Father Christmas]

Hmm. Well, I thought it was written about baby Santa. Baby Santa.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Yes.

[Old Santa]

Gaga. Goo goo ho ho.

[Father Christmas]

Baby Santa. Are you. Are you going out this year?

[Old Santa]

Yeah.

[Father Christmas]

Going out this year.

[Old Santa]

Gaga.

[Father Christmas]

Very good, Very good.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

I just wanted to let everyone know the chili is ready. They do exist.

[Father Christmas]

Oh, no. Oh, whoops. Catches him before he falls and clacks his head.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Oh, I almost fainted.

[Old Santa]

Eminem Commercial Santa, is that you?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

It's me. And I just wanted to let everyone know the chili's ready. The Santa chili, it's got everything. Beans, meat to tomato. It does exist. Oh.

[Father Christmas]

He'S painting quite a bit. Did someone say commercial Santas? Ho ho ho. I'm hungry.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

He does exist.

[Old Santa]

Guys, guys, guys. We're sort of in here right now, okay? We're just trying to relax before the big night. Me Sexy Santa. I'm just saying, like, maybe we slow down the amount of people coming in this room. The pace that we're going at. I can't write this fast.

[Father Christmas]

Well, I think we all have two.

[Old Santa]

I don't know. I think you got three. Science Santa, could you come over here.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

One moment, one moment. I've almost got it. Dasher. A bit of blessing. Okay. Yes. What was it? Santa's assistant.

[Old Santa]

Well, sir, I don't know how to tell you this. I know it's Christmas Eve and all, but we fucked up one of the reindeer's noses and it's glowing and we don't know from what.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Put a dollar in the Santa jar.

[Old Santa]

Sorry. Ah, sorry.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

That goes to Santas who need help. A little more Santa Assistance for the holidays right after.

[Father Christmas]

And you kill me.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Oh, no. What have you done to the Rudolph clone?

[Old Santa]

We'll kill it, sir.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Right, yes, of course. Well, we won't kill it, but we'll let original Santa take it to a Santa retirement home specifically for Rudolph's. And it's right behind the big barn.

[Old Santa]

Wink. Yeah, I know that all the reindeer.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

What are you winking at before?

[Old Santa]

Oh, sorry, yeah. Nothing. I know that all the reindeer are sort of uniform, but this one, sir, we can't get it right. It's. It's the red nose again.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

It's the red nose again. I fear that we're getting too far away from the original clone. The molecular breakdown is starting to affect it too much. Ah. Think, think, Science Center. Use your science powers. Okay, okay, yes. Send this one off. Send this Rudolph. Listen to me. Behind the barn goes to the original Santa. He'll set you up on a nice train to the Rudolph farm. You'll love it very much.

[Father Christmas]

Sweet release.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Oh, no, no. It'll all be okay, Fred. Okay, okay. Starting again. Here's the original Rudolph.

[Old Santa]

Oh, my God. Santa must have run out of bullets. I think he's doing it with his hand. Bullets nothing.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

What do you mean, bullets?

[Old Santa]

Nothing? Doesn't matter. Science Santa. What were you saying?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Okay, so we have the original vial of Rudolph. Oh, yeah. This is nasty.

[Old Santa]

Have we been refrigerated, sir?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Okay, no worries. Just take a little nip.

[Old Santa]

Oh, my gosh. It's less than 50 minutes until they start going on the sleighs. We need a Rudolph.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

You try a little. Try a little. Tastes weird.

[Old Santa]

Oh, man. Why would you. Who? I hate people who do that.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

For science.

[Old Santa]

People who eat or smell something bad, and their impulse is to make someone else eat it or smell it.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Don't be Scientist Santa. Do you want to be a science Santa when I retire and go to the awesome farm for all the other science Santas?

[Old Santa]

Uh, yes, sir.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Then take a little nip of the spoiled Rudolph and try to figure out what the fucking problem is. Put a dollar in the Santa jar.

[Father Christmas]

Hey, I was just coming in here to see if I could get a reindeer so I could head out. Maybe like a lowrider Reindeer. It's me. I'm giving out the presents. I'm giving out the toys I'm making. Merry Christmas for the girls and boys. Santeria.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Santeria, we have your lowrider. It's in the shop. Go, go. We're doing science here.

[Father Christmas]

Thank you.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Ah.

[Father Christmas]

Short legs. Sweet.

[Old Santa]

Santa, call me crazy, but there's Just an insistent talking here. What if we kept the glowing red nose on Rudolph so he could. And I'm just spitballing here. Guide the sleigh tonight if there's a storm or something.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

It's a terrible idea.

[Old Santa]

Oh, okay.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

You almost got yourself fired. You almost lost your job tonight.

[Old Santa]

Oh, I'm so sorry, sir.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

But I have an idea that makes me think of an idea. What if the degenerated Rudolph that we're using right now, we actually keep it this way, and he uses that big, glowing red nose of his to guide all the other Santa sleighs tonight?

[Old Santa]

Whoa. Sorry. I'm just getting a phone call from original Santa. Wow, that's amazing. I'll tell him right now.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Did he see me? Did he see my name? Original Sandra. Did he see my name?

[Old Santa]

It's time for you to retire.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Oh, goody.

[Old Santa]

All right, your number's been called.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Okay. So much to do, so many people to thank. You know where everything is in the lab. You're the science Santa now. Good luck making the reindeer. Oh, I have to pack a bag and get my fishing hat. I heard there's fishing at the Santa Science Farm.

[Old Santa]

I feel bad. I feel bad.

[Father Christmas]

Hello. Step into my office. It's that time of year again for your review.

[Old Santa]

Hey, I know that Sneezy Santa is supposed to be next, but they sent me Mall Santa in yes instead. Is that okay?

[Father Christmas]

Yes, of course. Come on in. Let's see here. Let's get you. Okay. All your information. Ho, ho, ho.

[Old Santa]

I'm nervous.

[Father Christmas]

Nervous, huh?

[Old Santa]

Nothing. Go ahead.

[Father Christmas]

So it seems like this year, once again, you are phoning it in to where people think you're just a guy playing Santa and not an actual Santa, which you are.

[Old Santa]

Sir. I gotta tell you, it's been really rough down there this year. I freak kids out.

[Father Christmas]

Yes.

[Old Santa]

People will put their babies on my lap, or they'll hand me their kids and their kids will, like, sort of look and something will feel off. They'll read right through me, sir. They think I'm a phony.

[Father Christmas]

Yes, well, I guess you have to sell it more. I've provided you with ample elves to photograph all your moments so you can.

[Old Santa]

All petulant teens, though, sir? Yes, they all hate their jobs. Please send nicer elves down.

[Father Christmas]

Well, you know that elves are eternally petulant teens. Not a lot of elves really mature. And the ones that do or don't want to be elves anymore. Ho, ho, ho. What about. Could we move you to another sector?

[Old Santa]

Yeah, sure, sir. I'm open to it. I can't eat any more mall food. It's absolutely destroying my stomach.

[Father Christmas]

Yes, it seems like you've. You haven't put on weight. Of course, we're all Santas. We all have our own ups and downs. But it seems like your skin is terrible.

[Old Santa]

Yeah, it's just. Yeah, I'm drinking like Orange Julius every day.

[Father Christmas]

Oh, shit. Yikes. Well, we did have to. I just. Right before you came in. I don't know if you saw him storm off. I did have to let Krampus go because.

[Old Santa]

No, not Krampus.

[Father Christmas]

Yes, Krampus, because I don't know if you've noticed, but it'll be a thing where, like, I put a present under a tree and then he'll come down the chimney once I leave and he'll take away a present. He's sort of like an anti Santa. Like, he kind of negates, you know, what we do.

[Old Santa]

Cool. So is the Krampus position open? Can I sort of be like that, kind of naughty anti Christmas Santa?

[Father Christmas]

Well, I was trying to do away with any naughtiness or anti Santa ness, but if you pitch full Auntie Anne's pretzel.

[Old Santa]

Yeah. And a full unshewed anti Anne's pretzel. My break is like 30 seconds.

[Father Christmas]

Do you swallow it like a duck?

[Old Santa]

Yeah, I do that, like, back my neck going back thing.

[Father Christmas]

No, I know what a duck swallowing looks like.

[Old Santa]

Please transfer me, sir. I can't be there anymore. Please, sir.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Hey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've been waiting out here for like two hours and, you know, we are getting closer to time to leave. I just have a quick thing and I just. Can I just. I'm sorry I had to take your time, but I need a transfer. I just have to have a transfer.

[Old Santa]

Oh, no, I'm asking for a transfer.

[Father Christmas]

Okay.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Oh, you're asking for a transfer. This is perfect, right? We can do a transfer.

[Old Santa]

I'll do a transfer. Yeah, let's do it.

[Father Christmas]

Okay, you can swap in which. Sorry, my eyes failed me. Which Santa are you sorry?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Yeah, I'm new. You've probably never seen me before. This is my actual first year being a Santa and I just got my Santa assignment and it looks like. It looks like I have to let Tim Allen kill me on a roof.

[Father Christmas]

Oh, yes.

[Old Santa]

Send me back to the mall. Send me back to the mall, please, sir.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

No, bro, I'll go to the mall.

[Father Christmas]

I'll go to the mall.

[Old Santa]

I'll go to the mall.

[Father Christmas]

Sorry, the magic's already. My eye is Already twinkled with a wink. So the magic has happened. You two have swapped positions. So why don't you go on head down, let Tim Allen kill you. And it's.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

It is Mall of America. That mall has everything.

[Old Santa]

Oh, I took it for granted. I loved that mall. What was I thinking? Please. Begging you about my knees.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

I know that this is my first year being Santa, but I think that I'm gonna like being a mall Santa. Hey, and good luck to you getting killed by Tim Allen on a roof.

[Old Santa]

Uh, no. No. Please. No. No. Take me with you.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

No.

[Old Santa]

Okay, if you are in this room, that means you had a poor performance review. Someone in this room. Someone in this room tonight will be going to Florida. I know everyone wants to skip Florida. Every Santa doesn't want to go, but one of y'all is gonna have to go.

[Father Christmas]

Okay, Can I ask a question? Sorority Santa?

[Old Santa]

Yes. But also, just so you know, you are absolutely. Your outfit is not up to code. It is not what we believe in, and it's not who we are. Okay.

[Father Christmas]

Oh, I'm Thrift store Santa. This is cool. This is, like my thing. It's a Tasmanian Devil T shirt with, like, acid wash, baggy jeans, air walks. So my question was, does Florida need Santas? Because I know when I get at least my naughty lists, it seems like Florida is, like, really a really thick part of the binder.

[Old Santa]

Yes, it is 57% naughty. Okay, but that there are people who are stuck there and we have to go there anyway.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Okay, can I just say. Can I just say it's bullshit that I'm here? Just because I'm Beach Santa doesn't mean I should be in Florida. There are plenty of places in the world with beach that are not Florida.

[Father Christmas]

Oh, I wish that dog would stop biting and pulling down the back of your shorts. That's not me.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

I like who I am.

[Old Santa]

Yeah, Beach Santa. It's not just that you're Beach Santa. You're also, like, a fucking weirdo, man. If I can be honest, you're sort of weird.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Okay, look, we all got to be Santa the same way. A child drew us one time and we became part of the imagination. It's not my fault that the child who happened to draw me Beach Santa, kind of like a copper toned Santa with my underwear getting pulled down by a little dog, happened to go on to be, like, a mass murderer or whatever and be, like, a really bad evil dude. I was drawn by the mind of a child. We're all the same.

[Old Santa]

Yeah, we're all the same. So why Even bring it up. Okay, I have to read this full disclosure before one of you volunteers to go to Florida. Yes. The last six Santas who have done Florida Christmas have gotten eaten by alligators. Yes.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Can I just say. Can I just say. I just don't. Can I just. I don't think I can go to Florida because I'm dietary restriction Santa, and it's just like, a lot of the food there just, like, it doesn't actually agree with me.

[Old Santa]

So you are on the top of the list. You just shot right to the top of the list.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

No, please. I have to take a shot at Instagram.

[Old Santa]

You can have Butterbeer at Harry Potter World. You can figure it out.

[Father Christmas]

Ooh, how about this? A compromise. We email everyone in Florida. We email them Wawa gift cards for Christmas.

[Old Santa]

That way we don't have to go in 2013, and it made Florida worse. Okay. If we're gonna make the state better, if we are gonna turn things around, we can't leave behind. To the good people of Florida. Yes. Is it only a couple of them? Sure, of course. Are you probably gonna get eaten by an alligator when you go? Obviously, yes. Or someone's gonna shoot a firework right into you. That's what they do in Florida.

[Father Christmas]

Excuse me, I have a question.

[Old Santa]

Yes.

[Father Christmas]

Yeah, Wild West Santa here.

[Old Santa]

Yes. Wild West Sorority Santa.

[Father Christmas]

Is it true that you're married to one of the Coca Cola polar bears?

[Old Santa]

We are separated currently. He caught me with the Charmin Bear, so we are just trying to work things out. Downgrade.

[Father Christmas]

Yeah, it's a real steak to hamburger situation.

[Old Santa]

Okay, Wild West Santa. Yeehaw. Horny Santa, anything to add? Do you want to volunteer? Unbelievable. Okay, Horny Santa it is. You are headed to Florida. Stamp, stamp. And next assignment.

[Father Christmas]

Hey, I don't know. You know, we're on our way down to the world to deliver presents, but I just want to let you know that after this delivery, Action Hero Santa's gonna retire. I think. I think I've delivered enough presents, and I want you, my sidekick, to know. What do you say? Sidekick Santa, you ready to wait?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Really? Action Hero Santa?

[Father Christmas]

That's right.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

What? Sidekick Santa without Action Hero Santa?

[Father Christmas]

Well, I'm letting you know that once I go, I'm gonna give you my gun and give you my suit and my sunglasses.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

I don't know if I can handle the recoil or the re. Cool from the sunglasses.

[Father Christmas]

You're gonna have to work on that.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

See, I don't have it. I just don't have it.

[Father Christmas]

You know, it's like you Deliver a present to a school, right? You drop all the gifts during, you know, first period, while they're in school. And then as they open it, you. You show up and you say, everybody present. And then you take. You whip off your sunglasses, give a big wink, and then jump out the window. Stuff like that. That's how Action Hero Santa rolls.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Okay, okay, give me another scenario. Action Hero Santa. Let me try it.

[Father Christmas]

Okay, so you're at a. You just delivered a bunch of presents to a Cracker Barrel, and then somebody catches you. What do you say?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Okay, I've just delivered a bunch of Cracker Barrel. I'm exiting through the Cracker Barrel.

[Father Christmas]

Hold on. You haven't delivered a bunch of Cracker Barrel. That's Cracker Barrel's job. You've delivered a bunch of presents to Cracker Barrel.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Presents to the Cracker Barrel. I'm in the gift shop, I'm browsing. I'm looking at some of the lollipops and the stick candy, the hard rock candy. And someone comes up to me and says, hey, table for two? And I say, no, I'm here alone. My mentor retired. He's not here right now.

[Father Christmas]

No, it's not cool. Snappy. Quick, a catchphrase.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Okay, okay. And then I say, I'll have a table for one. I'm dining alone. My mentor retired.

[Father Christmas]

God damn it. Psychic Santa. Let's go with something.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

I don't have it. I don't have the juice like you have Action Hero Santa.

[Father Christmas]

Let's go to something a little more simple. Maybe you go to like. Oh, you're like, yeah.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

I feel like you were starting me out of, like the hardest question on the SATs.

[Father Christmas]

Okay, so let's say that you go to, like, you go to a granite quarry, right?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Oh, yeah.

[Father Christmas]

A mineral deposit, right?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Sure, yeah.

[Father Christmas]

You deliver presents to the people working at the quarry. You hand them the presents and you.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Say, does anyone know where the bathroom is? It took me forever to find this place. And also, you guys work on Christmas.

[Father Christmas]

Of course they work on Christmas. Mineral deposits is a year round occupation. Okay, even simpler. You go to a high school prom, right?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Good, perfect.

[Father Christmas]

You deliver presents to the high school prom. It's just about midnight on Christmas Eve. Classic prom time. You give everyone a present and then.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

You say, if you dump blood on me, I'll come back here and kill every one of you. That's better. That's closer. Right.

[Father Christmas]

I'm making a stop here. Why don't you hop out and see Original Santa just behind that dumpster over there.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Original Santa behind the dumpster. I don't have. I have another 50 years before my retirement. Yeah, that's the only reason anyone goes to see Original Santa.

[Father Christmas]

No. Yeah, he wanted to talk to you about that because we're trying to get ahead of, like, Social Security and everything, just so you know. More Santa.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Got it.

[Father Christmas]

Yeah.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Have a financial future.

[Father Christmas]

And of course, you know, Original Santa, that, you know, having Original Santa leads to the hypothesis that a Extra Crispy Santa exists. I don't know if anybody's seen them.

[Old Santa]

But are my ears burning?

[Father Christmas]

Oh, yeah, they are. They are.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Wow.

[Father Christmas]

I've never seen an Extra Crispy Santa.

[Old Santa]

Hey, everybody, I'm Comedy Santa. I'm here to warm you up before you get in your sleighs and head out for the night. Can I get a ho, ho, ho from the audience?

[Father Christmas]

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

[Old Santa]

All right, I'm gonna start you off with some jokes. Okay? Who wants to hear some Christmas jokes?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Yeah, Christmas jokes.

[Old Santa]

What is green covered in Christmas lights and Christmas bulbs and goes ribbit.

[Father Christmas]

What?

[Old Santa]

A mistletoad.

[Father Christmas]

Santa's really in his bag.

[Old Santa]

What is every parent's favorite Christmas song?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

I don't know. What?

[Old Santa]

Silent Night. You get it because people don't like it when their kids speak. What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

[Father Christmas]

Something about Eve.

[Old Santa]

It's Christmas Eve.

[Father Christmas]

I got ahead of that one.

[Old Santa]

No, no, you didn't.

[Father Christmas]

My laughs.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Good one, Jake.

[Old Santa]

Thank you, Jake Santa, don't. Okay.

[Father Christmas]

What? This is all I have. I have nothing else.

[Old Santa]

Oh, we got someone trying to be funny in the crowd tonight. Okay, Jake Santa, you tell a Christmas joke, Mike's in your face.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Well, Comedy Santa, that backfired. Who knew Jake Santa would be so goddamn funny?

[Old Santa]

Yeah. Let's go back in time and hear some of the jokes he told. Look, Santa, I want Whoosh.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

You should have written him down. You should have written them down. Whoosh.

[Old Santa]

Back. We can. Whoosh. We're magic. Whoosh.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

I'm club promoter Santa, and I gotta say, they're just not calling this year.

[Old Santa]

Okay, no, listen to me.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

You don't have it anymore.

[Old Santa]

We can woosh back to the memory. You will see what happened. He did not do as good as you say. And stop. I'm holding on to the door handles, trying to get into the memory.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Let me go back. Jake Santa killed. He had the Santas in stitches. They said boo to you, Comedy Santa. They booed you off the stage.

[Old Santa]

I think I have a video of it on my phone. Presses play.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Get off the stage.

[Father Christmas]

Boo.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

We want Jake Santa. We want Jake Santa.

[Old Santa]

It's a long video. You get to hear at least four of Jake Santa's jokes.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

That was the end of it. You must have. You must have clicked that. You must have clicked in.

[Old Santa]

Why are you doing this? You're not even the one who has to do it. I'm club promoter Santa side here. That's what we fucking do here. You are promoting me.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

You don't get it. You're done. Comedy Santa. I have to cut you. I have to cut you.

[Old Santa]

I'm fine with that as long as. Let's go. If he's performing at the club tonight, I want to hear Jake Santa tell some of his jokes. Good.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Well, I just happen to have two tickets to hear Jake Santa at a sold out Christmas Eve show tonight.

[Old Santa]

I'm ready to hear it. Let's go. Starting there.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

I'm not taking you. You're old news. I'm taking one of my perspective Comedy Santas. A real up and comer. Blue Humor Santa. Isn't that right, Blue Humor Santa?

[Father Christmas]

Suck my dick.

[Old Santa]

Okay, well, we still can go see that scene. We just follow you now, huh?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Follow me now? Why don't you follow you to the unemployment line and go see Social Security Santa and pick up your check.

[Old Santa]

Whatever, man. One more thing before I go.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Okay.

[Old Santa]

What is a vegan's favorite Christmas carol?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Uh, Silent Night, Soy to the World.

[Old Santa]

Punch Slap my Wall.

[Father Christmas]

Debbie, I just want to say this is a fantastic dinner. Thank you so much for making this. And I know this is a weird tradition, but I every year just want to stay up, have a nice 11:30pm dinner and try and catch Santa delivering toys. Ever since I was a kid, it's been a dream of mine to catch. To catch Santa. Is that crazy?

[Old Santa]

I know, I know. And that's why I planned this whole thing out. I mean, he should be here any second, right?

[Father Christmas]

Thank you. And thank you for the Red Bull cocktails. This has really helped me sort of stay alert.

[Old Santa]

Of course. We're grown ups. We can do whatever we want.

[Father Christmas]

Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely. Oh.

[Old Santa]

Oh.

[Father Christmas]

Did you hear that sound? Like a bang on the roof.

[Old Santa]

Okay, let's hide.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

There's a knock at the door.

[Old Santa]

Oh, okay, I'll get it.

[Father Christmas]

Sorry.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Wasn't a bang on the roof, knock at the door.

[Old Santa]

I'll get it. I'll get it. Um, Hello?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Hey. Ho ho ho. May I come in? It's pretty cold out here.

[Old Santa]

Are you Santa?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

In a matter of speaking, yeah. I am Santa. Can I come in, please? It's again.

[Old Santa]

We were waiting for you. Sort of as a cute romantic joke. You don't exist.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Again. I'd love to explain. It's pretty cold out here. I would love to come inside.

[Old Santa]

Hey, if you were real Santa, you would have come down the chimney.

[Father Christmas]

Honey, who's there?

[Old Santa]

One second.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Um. Look, I'll be honest with you. I'm not here for you. I'm here for him.

[Old Santa]

What do you mean, here for him?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

I'm Bad News Santa. I am the Santa that goes to little children all across the world to let them know in person that they're too old for Santa and they have to move on.

[Old Santa]

Oh, he's not a kid.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Oh, I know. He's. He's. Let's see. His name is Doug Sanderson. He's 37 years old, and he's celebrating Santa. He's celebrating Christmas tonight. Yeah. Your boyfriend. This is your first date, right? You could. You could be honest. This is your first date. Not a lot of action on the apps.

[Old Santa]

Yeah. He's been talking online, though, for a while.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

12 hours. Not a while.

[Old Santa]

How do you know this?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

I'm Bad News Santa. We have a dossier on all of the people that we're doing bad news. To. Again, I'm not here for you.

[Father Christmas]

Sorry, I had to come over. Usually at 11:59pm there's not a lot of people. Oh. Oh, my God. Are you. Are you Santa?

[Old Santa]

Don't get excited.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

In a matter of speaking, I'm Santa. Yes.

[Father Christmas]

I knew it. I had this theory. Debbie, back me up. I had this theory that there's a whole Santa verse. There's multiple types. There's diabetic Santa, which can't eat milk and cookies. Well, that's really the only one I thought about.

[Old Santa]

Are you talking about your drawings?

[Father Christmas]

Yes.

[Old Santa]

He draws Santas for fun.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

We. We are aware. We are aware. You draw. And this is just me saying this. Some of the worst Santas that I've ever seen.

[Old Santa]

What?

[Father Christmas]

Teenage Mutant Ninja Santa is bad.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Teenage Mutant Ninja Santa is one of the oldest Santas we've ever had to put down. He was in horrible pain.

[Father Christmas]

Snake Santa. You're telling me that's a bad idea?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

You gotta start drawing internal organs when you draw.

[Father Christmas]

Draw internal organs.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Anyway. Look, I don't wanna ruin anyone's Christmas.

[Old Santa]

Don't tell him. Don't tell him.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Don't tell him.

[Father Christmas]

Don't tell me what? What's going on? Don't tell me what?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

You're not on my list, so technically I can't ruin your Christmas. They don't tell you that. You won The Christmas lottery.

[Father Christmas]

I knew. I knew it. I knew it. This is the year it pays to stay up. Just keep constant vigilance. Just keep staying up and one day you'll be rewarded. What's.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

You get to ride in the sleigh. You get to ride in the sleigh.

[Father Christmas]

Oh, my God. Oh, this is a dream. This is my wiener mobile.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

This is my wheel in my sleigh. It's a 2008 Volkswagen Jetta.

[Father Christmas]

Oh, it's. Oh, that one over here.

[Old Santa]

Pretty beat up.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Yeah. No, yeah, that's not that one. I don't know whose that is. Mine is right down there. It's. It's really beat up.

[Father Christmas]

Oh, it's a Volkswagen. Well, that. I had a drawing when I was 17, which was a German soda Santa. It was Fanta Santa and I had a whole song. Want a Santa, don't you? Don't you want a Santa? So it. Does he exist?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Yep.

[Father Christmas]

What does he drive?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

He's actually awesome. He drives a. It's like a Coke freestyle machine, but it's only Fanta.

[Father Christmas]

I knew it.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Wow. He's. He's one of the best.

[Father Christmas]

This is incredible.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

He's one of the best. That's why you're 37 and you're just meeting me now because you have had a couple of really good ideas for Santas.

[Father Christmas]

Woo. Okay. Am I passenger seat or I didn't get to drive or.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Anyway, is it Debbie? Was it Debbie?

[Old Santa]

Yeah.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

You have a great rest of your night.

[Old Santa]

Okay, well, there's probably another Santa that's gonna come here, right? And leave presents for me under my tree.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Yeah, of course. There's a sad woman in her 30s, single Santa.

[Old Santa]

Shut up. I'm fine. I'm so rich.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Debbie.

[Old Santa]

What?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

I have a dossier.

[Old Santa]

I'm rich in friends, in hobby, Debbie in credit card debt. I'm rich.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Okay, you know what? Again, I'm not here for you. But I am looking. You work at a candle store that closed two years ago.

[Old Santa]

I'm fine, you weirdo. Bad news, Santa. You're kind of a fucking dick. Are you dick Santa?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

I just read the dossier. I mean, that's.

[Old Santa]

Ugh, whatever.

[Father Christmas]

Spoil this for me. I really want to drive in this Volkswagen jet.

[Old Santa]

I'm going to bed. Slam.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

She went to bed in your house? I think she might be in between places. It doesn't matter. Are you ready to take a ride in the Jedi?

[Father Christmas]

Yes. Woo. This is amazing. Let me.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Hey, how would you like to visit the farm where the Santas go when they retire?

[Father Christmas]

Wow. Absolutely. Is there, like, pig Santa and chicken Santa and all that?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Hey, why don't we listen to the radio the way.

[Father Christmas]

Sure. Oh, it's hard to talk over this.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Yeah, pretty hard to talk over this.

[Father Christmas]

But I'll make it work. What else? What else is there? An assassin Santa? Like, does he have one list? And it's just like.

[Old Santa]

Okay, I am safety Santa. I am here to check out the safety of your sleigh and your reindeer. Before you take off, can you lift your arms above your head for me?

[Father Christmas]

Yeah, of course.

[Old Santa]

Pull on your seat belt. Seat belt seems to be working. Describe what kind of Santa you are and what your sleigh is today.

[Father Christmas]

Sure. I am apathetic Santa. My sleigh is. It's just sort of like a wooden. It's sort of like. Just like a wooden crate.

[Old Santa]

And you're planning on going through the motions tonight, sir?

[Father Christmas]

Yeah, just whatever can kind of get me by.

[Old Santa]

Have a. Whatever Christmas, sir. This seems safe. Kicking the reindeer's legs, making sure that they're all filled up.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Hey, can we hurry us up? Can we hurry us up?

[Old Santa]

All right, coming in next. Hi, sir. I am safety Santa, here to check the safety of your sleigh and your reindeer. What kind of Santa are you, and what sleigh are you driving tonight?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

This is my sleigh. I am good to drive, Santa. I'm absolutely good to drive tonight. And this is my sleigh and. Oh, boy, where did I put the thing? Oh, I'm in it. I'm sitting in it.

[Old Santa]

Okay. Good to drive Santa. It says here on my clipboard that you did not get to leave last year. Cause you blew. Holy shit, 50 times over the legal limit.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

No, no, I'm good at driving. I'm good at driving it.

[Old Santa]

You are. This is my.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Give me the thing. Give me the thing. I'll blow in the thing.

[Old Santa]

Good to drive. Santa. This is not. Look at what you're sitting on. Does that look like a mode of transportation to you?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

I don't know. It looks very blurry. It looks very blurry.

[Old Santa]

It's a goat. You have a goat being led by eight reindeer. It's gonna absolutely explode. Its limbs are gonna come flying off.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

The goat's good to go. The goat's good to drive. I'm good to drive, Santa. Give me the thing. I'm blowing the thing. I'll blow into the thing. I'll blow in anything you want.

[Old Santa]

Okay, but if you. I'm. You're gonna blow in. And you're volunteering to do this. And if you blow low, above the legal limit. You are not free to go. Okay?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

I promise. I would never drive unsafe. I'm good to drive, Xander. I promise. Okay. All right, bro, just blow into this.

[Father Christmas]

In goat 100.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Goat. No. Go. Give me your breath. Give me your breath. Go, goat.

[Old Santa]

Are you the goat?

[Father Christmas]

Meh.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Give me your breath.

[Old Santa]

I can see you trying to get the goat's breath.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

I'm sorry.

[Old Santa]

The goat looks drunk as a skunk too. You're barking up the wrong goat.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

This goat's good to go. He's good to go.

[Old Santa]

All right, I'm gonna make the goat do the drunk test. DRO Goat, can you walk in a straight line for me, please? Can you say the Alphabet backwards for me, please?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

See? See?

[Old Santa]

Okay. You both seem pretty drunk. I'm gonna be fine.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Fine. I guess you're happy. I guess you're happy with a bunch of really divorced dads not getting their grimy present in you. I guess you're happy with that.

[Old Santa]

I mean, I think golf dad. I think weaponized. Or I think weaponized incompetent Santa will probably figure that out for them.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

So is nobody going to deliver any presents to any of the frat houses at all Christmas tonight?

[Old Santa]

No, they're home with their families. Who is still at a frat on Christmas Eve?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

The people who are asleep. The people who forgot.

[Old Santa]

Speaking of sleep, I think it's time that you go lay down. Sober up. Good to drive, Santa. Sober up.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

I can. Good to drive, Santa. I can't sober up.

[Father Christmas]

Hey, are you gonna check my sleigh? I wanna get things going.

[Old Santa]

Howard Dean Santa, as I live and breathe, you're good to go. Slaps the ass of your sleigh.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Well, I'm just like a Santa under the moon. It's the same as the slave Hannah.

[Old Santa]

Santa, you're here. Slapsy ass of your sliding head out.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Hold on, hold on.

[Father Christmas]

Featuring Rob, Tom and Santa.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

I'm Rob Thomas. Santa.

[Old Santa]

Who's next in my line here?

[Father Christmas]

Down here.

[Old Santa]

Whoa.

[Father Christmas]

Hello.

[Old Santa]

Say what kind of Santa you are and what sleigh you're driving tonight.

[Father Christmas]

Of course I'm driving this sleigh that was passed down to me from my dad. Nepotism Santa.

[Old Santa]

Oh, okay. And who do you serve on Christmas Eve? What houses are you going to?

[Father Christmas]

I'm going to my family's houses, of course.

[Old Santa]

All right.

[Father Christmas]

Well, cherry picked the best gifts for all my family.

[Old Santa]

I just got a Venmo of $5,000. Even though nothing that you're driving is up to code. I've been bought out sue me.

[Father Christmas]

My first name is Skylar.

[Old Santa]

Okay, Skyler. Santa. Get the hell out of here.

[Father Christmas]

Okay, we come from.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

All right, my elves. My precious elves. As you know, one of the hardest things about our job, our sacred duty being the original Santa and the original elves, is retiring all the Santas that can't make it another Christmas. Yes.

[Father Christmas]

Yes, Santa. Yes.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Yes.

[Old Santa]

Yes.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Yes. Yes.

[Father Christmas]

Looks like Santa's back on the menu.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

All right, calm yourselves. Calm yourselves. We have to present a demeanor of strength and resilience. What we do here tonight, boys? Well, I hope God can't see.

[Old Santa]

I saw that. Old Santa is getting very old. Let's kill and eat him first.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Yes.

[Father Christmas]

Kill and eat him first.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Kill and eat him yourself. My elves, when I created you in my Santa lab all those years ago, how could I have known that the degenerative bloodlust would build inside you until every year we had to kill all the Santas and eat them who couldn't make the cut?

[Old Santa]

We start as petulant teens and we turn into bloodthirsty monsters.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Yes. What am I to do? I could press this big red button. I could blow the North Pole off the face of the map. I could end all the miserable Santa lives herein. But then children wouldn't get presents. People would be unhappy all over the world. Isn't it better that instead we kill thousands of Santas every year, eat them, steal their strength and perpetuate this whole lie? Yes.

[Old Santa]

Wait, are you guys thinking what I'm thinking? Original Santa's looking pretty old and pretty delicious.

[Father Christmas]

Mutton. Mutton Santa. Yum, yum, yum.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

No, no, no, no, no. What do you mean I'm original Santa? I taste like ash and sin.

[Old Santa]

Do you need to call your kid in order to use your Roku?

[Father Christmas]

Answer the question, Original Santa. Do you need to walk with a candy cane?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

No, no, I'll just watch. I'll just watch whatever's on and I'll just sit here and my Lazy Boy I mean, Peloton bike.

[Father Christmas]

Name one K Pop Band. Anyone?

[Old Santa]

Anyone will do K Pop.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Isn't that something that you get at a Cracker Barrel store?

[Father Christmas]

Oh, he's old.

[Old Santa]

I'm looking at your Google search history and the last thing you googled is what is my password? What is your password to what? And why would Google know that he's so old.

[Father Christmas]

And before that, it was how to not make porn show up in your Google search history.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It's giving Santa, right? It's giving Santa.

[Old Santa]

Nothing has ever sounded older Honey.

[Father Christmas]

No.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

No.

[Old Santa]

Kill him. Kill him.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

No.

[Father Christmas]

Kill him.

[Old Santa]

Eat him.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Yes, please. I have one more year. You can't do this without me. You won't be able to restrain yourself. You'll kill all the Santas into the North Pole.

[Old Santa]

That doesn't sound so bad.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Yes sounds like a no. Please, my flesh. Hey, excuse me. I don't want to mess with anyone's thing here. I'm Fort Wayne Santa. I'm happy where I am. I love where I am. I just watched you guys kill and eat. Original Santa. Yes. I love it. No, nothing that works for me. I'm into it. I don't want anything else for my. I just want the people of Fort Wayne to have Christmas. But I'm here to help you guys get away with whatever it is you need to get away from.

[Old Santa]

Good plan for upward mobility in this company. It seems like you really want to get ahead.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

No, no. Not a straight shooter. Not trying to get ahead. Just really love Fort Wayne. I'm just telling you that I don't want to blow this whole thing up.

[Old Santa]

Yeah, right. Loving Fort Wayne.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

No, I do. It's genuinely. It's. You know, it's not.

[Old Santa]

It's what?

[Father Christmas]

Oh, are you Sarcasm Santa?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

No, I'm Fort Wayne Santa.

[Father Christmas]

Name three things you love about Fort Wayne.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

All three are strip clubs.

[Old Santa]

Did you say strip club?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

God, I forgot. I forgot what summons you. Sexy Santa.

[Old Santa]

Yeah, pretty good. Whoa. You guys eat an original Santa. That's pretty sexy of you, huh?

[Father Christmas]

Hey, everybody. Welcome into Fort Wayne's own North Poles. Coming up next to the stage, we have a special guest who comes once a year and probably more. Am I right? Please welcome to the stage Sexy Santa.

[Old Santa]

Any hot single moms in the audience tonight?

[Fort Wayne Santa]

No, it's Christmas.

[Father Christmas]

No, it's Christmas.

[Old Santa]

You're welcome.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Why would a mom be here on Christmas?

[Father Christmas]

Folks, don't give him cash. He doesn't need it. Can't spend it. He wants Cole's cash.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Tell a joke.

[Father Christmas]

Yeah, tell a joke, Sexy Santa.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Do some comedy.

[Old Santa]

Uh, what? What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party? Boo.

[Father Christmas]

You're not Jake Santa.

[Old Santa]

Oh. But coming up to the stage next is Jake Santa. Yay.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

I don't know what to tell you, Sexy Santa. You just don't have it. You're sexy, but you're not funny. Do you get it?

[Old Santa]

Aaron reaches through the screen. It actually starts choking. JPZ Neptune.

[Fort Wayne Santa]

Merry Christmas.

[Father Christmas]

Merry Christmas. I don't give out lots of presents. I don't give out lots of toys. I'm wishing Merry Christmas to the of the girls and boys.