*UNLOCKED* Clue Crew #301: Merry Christmas to Mall and to Mall a Good Night!

Summary

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Hey Riddle Riddle – UNLOCKED Clue Crew #301: Merry Christmas to Mall and to Mall a Good Night!

Release Date: December 1, 2025
Hosts: Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, John Patrick Coan
Theme: Improvised holiday mall hijinks, sketches, and the absurdist chaos of last-minute Christmas shopping.

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Episode Overview

In this riotous holiday special, the Hey Riddle Riddle crew brings listeners to the chaotic, alternate-universe Milwaukee Greater Mall just before Christmas. Instead of straightforward riddles, the episode unfolds through intertwining scenes of improvised characters: frazzled mall employees, dysfunctional couples, weird Santas, and desperate shoppers. The hosts bounce between locations—Victoria’s Secret, Macy’s perfume counter, Santa’s Village, Sbarro, GameStop, LEGO lines—creating a tapestry of escalating, darkly funny Christmas chaos. The whole episode is less about solving riddles and more about riffing, fast-paced character work, and reveling in the absurdity of mall culture and holiday pressures.

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Key Discussion Points & Comic Set Pieces

1. Holiday Shopping Awkwardness at Victoria’s Secret

00:37–04:33

• Ken, a nervous shopper in an $89.99 Ross suit, enters Victoria’s Secret for a last-minute gift.
• Hilarity as the sales associate insists he’s shopping for himself ("Private. Anonymous." – 02:24), leading to a running joke about buying lingerie for oneself.
• A “pervert” (the hosts’ recurring mall weirdo character) keeps interfering, with the Mall Manager lamenting their inability to hire anyone decent:
  • Quote: “That man was very helpful. What is it that he does? Maybe just...give him a shot.” (03:27, Ken)
  • CEO/Undercover Boss/Secret Shopper confusion (04:11–04:19).

Memorable Moment:

• Mall Weirdness: The pervert’s fate is debated as Ken—convinced he's now the CEO—initiates a fake “Secret Shopper” scenario, perfectly lampooning retail paranoia.

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2. Macy’s Perfume Counter: Ineptitude vs. Sales Triumph

04:57–12:09

• Ken and Lisa, polar-opposite perfume sales associates: Lisa excels, Ken fails spectacularly.
• Mall Manager instructs: “Make sure you’re not spraying in their ears, mouth, eyes, any sort of hole or orifice.” (05:00)
• Roleplay training devolves rapidly:
  • Ken: Attempts to sell perfume from the bathroom, citing “I feel like I can be myself in there.” (11:12)
  • Lisa (exasperated): “The fact that we have to give a job to the dumbest son of Charles Macy. This guy’s an idiot.” (11:38)
• Running gags: Ken eating a several-days-old Subway tuna sandwich and googling words like “idiot.”

Memorable Moment:

• Ken’s confusion about consent:
  • “Whisper consent into their ears.” (05:57)

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3. Santa’s Village: Doubling Santas and Dismayed Kids

12:09–19:14

• Children (all played by the hosts) confront two bickering Santas in mismatched, shared costumes.
  • Santa’s retort about “Prestige” (14:44) when asked how two Santas can exist: “I’m six.” (Ken)
• Parents and children suspiciously dissect Santa’s relationship status and vices (“Why were there two Santas fighting at the casino?”)
• Dark, hilarious explanation for mall Santa’s drinking:
  • Santa: “Maybe...the pain of everyday life is so severe that the only way to get through it is to dull your mind and your senses daily..." (18:16)

Memorable Moment:

• Santa tells Kimberly (kid): “You should run away from home. Your dad sucks.” (16:37)

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4. Food Court Feuds – Christmas Pizza & Domestic Drama

19:18–25:01

• Sbarro only serves “Christmas pizza” (red and green, actually "shredded lettuce" on pizza, hot), inciting disgust.
• Domestic spat about "hand stuff" as cheating after infidelity, peppered with rapid-fire logic debates about pizza bites, crust, and refunds.
  • Quote: “Hand stuff, as a grownup, sort of goes out the window.” (22:14)
  • Running argument: What exactly constitutes “cheating” (21:22–24:00).

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5. Kiosk Mayhem – Aggressive Sales and Kitsch Galore

41:00–45:10

• Ken attempts to walk through the mall, harassed by a gauntlet of kiosk workers hawking everything from Post Malone/Utah Jazz t-shirts ($120) to GoPro condoms and edible soap.
• Surreal escalation:
  • “Lay down for this kiosk massage where everyone passing by can see you and it’ll both hurt like hell and feel like nothing at the same time.” (43:49)

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6. GameStop Trade-in Debacle

31:32–35:33

• After trading in 46 games worth (allegedly) $400, Ken is offered just $8 in store credit.
  • Quote (sarcastic lawyer): “Do you think it’s fair to bring in, I don’t know, something like $400 worth of video games… and be handed $8 back? …He should be put to death for his crimes.” (33:33)
• Ridiculous escalation to a mock trial inside the store.

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7. Christmas Sweaters and Grandma the Devil

35:58–40:31

• Cameron, a child, rebels against a forced tradition of wearing an itchy sweater for his monstrous, possibly demonic grandmother.
  • “Every Christmas is her last Christmas, mom. She’s the devil!” (36:41)
• Philosophical, existential exchange about Ben Affleck vs. Christian Bale as Batman, hiding family dysfunction under holiday traditions.

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8. LEGO Line: Nude Frasier Set and Sad Songs

45:10–50:27

• Riot breaks out for a limited-edition LEGO set (“Lego’s first ever nudity porno set”...Frasier-themed).
• Line order is assigned randomly; suspicion about staff’s “biases” runs rampant.
• Each shopper sings a sad song to justify getting to the front:
  • Tom: “I’ve never had sex and I need this bad… Need these Legos.” (48:31)

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9. Holiday Parking & Final Mall Showdown

50:26–53:00

• The mall parking lot is a warzone: drivers argue over claimed spaces, puppets mistaken for children, and a pair plotting to pee in the mall wishing well to swap bodies (“Freaky Friday”–style).
  • “Let’s leave both cars here, walk to the wishing well fountain in the mall, start to pee into it, get hit by lightning. Switch places. Have sex.” (52:23)

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10. Mall Closes: News Report Wrap-Up

53:05–57:00

• “Two local weirdos found dead in a fountain…” News crews interview desperate shoppers and mall staff, rounding off with a failed pickup artist who visits malls at Christmas for “desperate” hookups.
  • Quote: “I’m a pickup artist who likes to come to the mall on Christmas so I can try to sleep with those people, sexually speaking.” (55:22)

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• Ken’s Defensive Logic at Victoria’s Secret:
  “A man with no wedding ring and a $3,000 suit comes into a Victoria Secret five days before Christmas. I'm obviously picking out stuff for me to wear.” (02:46)
• Ken’s eternal struggle:
  “I'm writing down all the words, but I don't, like, have the formal definitions of the words in front of me, so I'm, like, looking up all the words later, and then I'm, like, trying to, like, put them into my notes, but I'm, like, Not getting every even word.” (05:34)
• Mall Santa, on why there are two Santas:
  “Have you ever seen the movie Prestige with Christian Bale?”
  “I’m six.” (14:44)
• On "hand stuff" in relationships:
  “Hand stuff, as a grownup, sort of goes out the window. Why do you tell people it's not some sort of heroic feat?” (22:14)
• Kiosk sales struggle:
  “Can I interest you in a GoPro for condoms?” (41:47)
• GameStop Trade-In Mock Trial:
  “He should be put to death for his crimes… to take advantage of a sweet guy that's just trying to get a little bit of cash before Christmas so he can buy his baby… a present.” (33:33)
• Cameron's Christmas dread:
  “She's the devil. …She acts a lot like the devil, Mom.” (36:41)
• LEGO line musical plea:
  “My name is Tom, and I've never had sex and I need this bad… I need these Legos.” (48:31)
• Holiday parking madness and existential challenge:
  “Let’s leave both cars here, walk to the wishing well fountain in the mall, start to pee into it, get hit by lightning. Switch places, have sex. See what it's like to have sex with ourselves from a different angle.” (52:36)
• News crew wrap-up:
  “I'm a pickup artist who likes to come to the mall on Christmas so I can try to sleep with those people, sexually speaking.” (55:22)

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Overall Tone & Style

The episode is a relentless, quick-talking, layered improvisational farce. Every scene is brimming with meta jokes, character callbacks, surreal mall commentary, and a darkly funny undercurrent about dysfunctional holiday rituals and late-capitalist malaise. The language is colloquial, irreverent, and often delightfully unhinged.

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For New Listeners

Even with zero context or familiarity with Hey Riddle Riddle's usual format, this episode is a wild comedy sketch ride through the mall at Christmas. Expect little in the way of actual riddles, and much in the way of bizarre twists, lovable losers, and rapid-fire bits that lampoon everything from mall Santas to retail hell, dysfunctional families, and the pain of awkward Christmas traditions.

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Highlight Segments & Timestamps:

• Victoria’s Secret confusion (00:37–04:33)
• Perfume counter meltdown (05:22–12:09)
• Santa’s Village double act (12:09–19:14)
• Sbarro/cheating debate (19:43–25:06)
• Kiosk gauntlet (41:00–45:10)
• GameStop trade-in trial (31:32–35:33)
• Grim Christmas sweater drama (35:58–40:31)
• LEGO line musical contest (45:10–50:27)
• Holiday parking Freaky Friday (50:26–53:00)
• Mall wrap-up news report (53:05–57:00)

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Hey Riddle Riddle’s Christmas mall special is the audio equivalent of being lost in a mall on Christmas Eve with only weirdos, perverts, and emotionally fraught relatives for company—and laughing the whole way.

Transcript

[Mall Manager]

Sam.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Hello, sir. Welcome to Victoria's Secret. Can I help you? Doing some last minute shopping?

[Ken]

Yeah, sorry. Yeah, yeah. You. I'm sorry, do you. Do you approach everybody who walks in or do I have a vibe? I'm just asking because, you know, you walk. You walked right up to me and said, hello, sir. Did your.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Sure. Well, it's a week before Christmas and a lot of men come in to do some very last minute shopping. And of course, when men do shopping, it's typically something to sort of, you know, feed into their ego or their wants. So they buy a woman lingerie.

[Ken]

Oh. Oh, okay, great. No, yeah, I actually didn't have any ideas. So does that. And that's a good gift. Lingerie or.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Yeah, I mean, it can be.

[Ken]

Can be.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

And, sir, you can calm down. Those are just mannequins.

[Ken]

Okay. I'm sorry. I see you glazing over his eyeballing me and I'm like, you know, I.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

See you getting very nervous. Those aren't real women. Those are mannequins.

[Ken]

Okay. No, yeah, sure. I just. It's just a lot of people looking at me. You know, you walk into a place and there's a lot of people looking at you. So.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

So I do have a. We just kind of have a cheat sheet. Just in December, we here at vs, we try. That's short for Victoria's Secret. We try and help people out. So I do have a little card here that will help you out. Three words to describe your wife.

[Ken]

Oh, I am.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Or girlfriend.

[Ken]

I'm not. Yeah, I'm not married.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Okay. Three words to describe your girlfriend.

[Ken]

I'm not currently. I'm not currently seeing any.

[Santa/Elves]

Okay.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Three words to describe the recipient of this gift.

[Ken]

Okay. Private.

[Santa/Elves]

Okay.

[Ken]

Anonymous.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

It's you. You're gonna wear it.

[Ken]

Well.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Sorry, that's on the card. That's the next.

[Ken]

The next thing is if I say two of my three words.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

It'S you. You're gonna wear it, question mark. Is that a yes or no? Should I take that off?

[Ken]

Yes, I'm gonna wear it. Obviously, I'm gonna wear it.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

No judgment here.

[Ken]

Exactly.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Okay. And what?

[Ken]

A man with no wedding ring and a $3,000 suit comes into a Victoria Secret five days before Christmas. I'm obviously picking on stuff for me to wear.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

I see the tag on the suit has a little tag here that says $3,000. And then there's a Ross Dress for Less sticker over it that says $89.99. I think they inflate those prices sometimes.

[Ken]

I still think it's a $3,000 suit. Just because I got a good deal doesn't make it not a $3,000 suit.

[Mall Manager]

Wait. Hey, hey, hey. Oh, wait. You can't be in here. Sorry. This guy keeps pretending he works here. Get out of here, man. Get out of here.

[Santa/Elves]

Pervert grabs mannequins.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

You'll never catch us.

[Ken]

Wait a second.

[Mall Manager]

I'm so sorry about that.

[Ken]

That man was very helpful. What is it that he does? Maybe just give him a shot.

[Mall Manager]

No. We keep trying to hire him.

[Ken]

You're obviously short staffed.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Slinks back within earshot.

[Mall Manager]

No, hey, hey.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

You'll never catch me.

[Mall Manager]

He would be a great employee, but he's doing weird stuff to the mannequins.

[Ken]

It seems like he'd work for mannequins. Maybe pay him. Maybe pay him in mannequins. Sounds like a great deal.

[Mall Manager]

All right, I'll run it by my manager.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Pumping mannequins full of soup.

[Mall Manager]

Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.

[Ken]

You don't need to run it by your manager because. Because you just ran it by the CEO of Victoria's Secret.

[Mall Manager]

Secret Shopper. Secret Shopper. Secret Shopper.

[Ken]

Secret Shopper.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Undercover Boss.

[Mall Manager]

Secret Shopper. Secret Shopper.

[Ken]

Not Undercover Boss. It is Secret Shopper.

[Mall Manager]

Undercover Boss. Secret Shopper.

[Ken]

No. Who's that? Undercover Boss.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

First, does anyone.

[Ken]

Sorry, I was at that show.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

I'm with Undercover Boss. I'm the cameraman and producer. And that man who you chased out of the store was the C. CEO Oh.

[Ken]

Remind me one, one time what that stands for. C. CEO you'll never catch.

[Mall Manager]

I just want to. I know this week is high stress, so I just want to run through some of our policies again. Just as a refresher, when you spray the perfume, make sure you're getting consent from the customer, and make sure you're not spraying in their ears, mouth, eyes, any sort of hole or orifice. Ken, can you make eye contact with me right now? Sorry. This is.

[Ken]

I'm writing this down.

[Mall Manager]

Okay, because this is.

[Ken]

I'm not texting. I just. I take notes on my phone.

[Mall Manager]

Okay. But we're having this meeting because of what happened last night, so just make sure you're paying attention.

[Ken]

I think. I think the problem is I'm writing down all the words, but I don't, like, have the formal definitions of the words in front of me, so I'm, like, looking up all the words later, and then I'm, like, trying to, like, put them into my notes, but I'm, like, Not getting every even word.

[Mall Manager]

So, Ken, I think. I think you're. You're not. I think you're overthinking this. I think you need to breathe.

[Ken]

Okay.

[Mall Manager]

What did I just say? What did I just say?

[Ken]

Whisper consent into their ears.

[Mall Manager]

No.

[Ken]

Spray the mouth.

[Mall Manager]

No.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

You wrote it down. Sorry. Can we keep going with it? I feel like a lot of our meetings get sort of stymied by Ken's ineptitude and Lisa.

[Mall Manager]

I know, and I know.

[Ken]

How do you spell ineptitude? Tell Lisa to stop using words I can't spell.

[Mall Manager]

You don't need to write down stuff that Lisa says. Lisa, you're an exemplary. Exemplary. You're an incredible employee, Lisa.

[Ken]

Okay, that's not like, a smaller word. Exemplary and incredible are, like, the same size word.

[Mall Manager]

Lisa, you have been doing great. You obviously have the highest commission rate this season. You're gonna. Your next paycheck's gonna be huge. And I'm really, really happy for you, and I'm so sure you have to sit through these meetings, but technically, everyone has to be there. Ken, Ken, Ken. I can see you playing Candy Crush on your phone.

[Ken]

I thought we were on a break from the meeting.

[Mall Manager]

No, we are not on a break from the meeting.

[Ken]

You were talking directly to Lisa. It felt like a one on one.

[Mall Manager]

No, it's not a one on one. You work at the perfume counter at Macy's. That's a baseline we can all agree on.

[Ken]

Could I get moved? Could we just. Because it's like, I know I'm not getting this. I know I'm not doing right. I know Lisa's so much better than me. Could I just get moved to, like, a different desk even?

[Mall Manager]

You've been moved to too many times. This is sort of our last hope for you here, Ken.

[Ken]

Can I do toilets? I do toilets.

[Mall Manager]

There is no toilet department at Macy's. And it makes people nervous that you think there's a bathroom here. Are you trying to sell people things in the bathroom, Ken?

[Ken]

I would if that's something I could do, because I feel like if that's maybe, like, the best place for me.

[Mall Manager]

Ken, you said you were passionate about fragrances. When we move you to this counter.

[Ken]

Which is why I think the bathroom is kind of like, the ideal place for me.

[Mall Manager]

No. What happened to that passion you said I love perfume. And we all know.

[Ken]

I just don't know. Like, Lisa's obviously so good at it, and I just don't know that I'll ever be that. It's, like, so intimidating to work with Lisa. Because Lisa's so good at it.

[Mall Manager]

Well, Lisa, how about you? I'll be a customer and we can give Ken a demonstration of what you do and how you perfect. Really classily sell to a customer. Okay?

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Okay.

[Ken]

Perfect.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Hi, ma'.

[Mall Manager]

Am.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

How's your day going today?

[Mall Manager]

Pretty good. I'm really behind on all my gift buying. I don't know what to get my mother in law.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Well, I'm sure your mother in law deserves the perfect gift. But you know what? You deserve something too. Have you ever heard Ken, are you.

[Mall Manager]

Eating a Subway sandwich? That's the loudest anyone's ever unwrapped a sandwich.

[Ken]

I thought this was a one on one.

[Mall Manager]

No, you're supposed to be paying attention.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

That bread sounds stale. Subway bread shouldn't crunch.

[Ken]

It's from a couple days ago.

[Mall Manager]

It's tuna.

[Ken]

No, the tuna's fresh. But I asked him if I can get a couple days ago bread so I could get a couple bucks off. My commissions aren't going well at work, so I have to get a couple days ago bread.

[Mall Manager]

Okay. Where were we? Pay attention. Okay.

[Ken]

Okay. Go ahead.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Are you familiar with Kinleiko's indulgence? May I spray in front of you?

[Mall Manager]

I've never heard of that. Yeah, I'll smell that.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

May I spray in front of you? I need a verbal yes or no.

[Mall Manager]

You may. Yes.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Great. You can't just say, I'll smell that.

[Mall Manager]

Lisa.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

What? This is how I am with customers.

[Mall Manager]

Okay, well then if it works, it works. Okay?

[Sales Associate Lisa]

I lean into my intimidation. I'm six.

[Santa/Elves]

Seven.

[Mall Manager]

I know. And Lisa. I know.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Okay. And walk through.

[Mall Manager]

Wow. That's quite delightful. I'll take two bottles.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Just two. What's that gonna get you?

[Santa/Elves]

Three bottles?

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Four? What do you. Four bottles?

[Mall Manager]

Ten.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

You know what? You know what? It's not even worth it.

[Mall Manager]

10. Please.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Don't waste my fucking time.

[Mall Manager]

I'll take 12 bottles.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

You'll take 12? You'll take all we have in stock?

[Mall Manager]

I'll take all you have in stock.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

On your fucking neck.

[Mall Manager]

And scene. Do you see how well that went? She just sold out our entire stock?

[Ken]

I think so. I mean, I just don't, I guess. Could I try one?

[Mall Manager]

Yeah. Try to sell me this bottle of Lefume perfume. It's one of our best sellers. Okay.

[Ken]

And then you said, don't.

[Mall Manager]

No, don't drink it. What are you doing? What are you doing?

[Ken]

Taste it. I'm tasting.

[Mall Manager]

No, no, no.

[Ken]

You said I was supposed to put it in my mouth.

[Mall Manager]

No, I said don't spray it in the Customer's mouth.

[Ken]

Okay, okay, okay. Let's. Okay.

[Mall Manager]

Lefume perfume.

[Ken]

Okay.

[Mall Manager]

Sell it to me, Ken.

[Ken]

Okay.

[Mall Manager]

And go.

[Ken]

Excuse me, ma', am, can I talk to you in the bathroom?

[Sales Associate Lisa]

I'm Lisa.

[Ken]

Excuse me, Lisa, can I talk to you in the bathroom?

[Mall Manager]

No, no, Ken, start over. Talk to me.

[Ken]

Okay.

[Mall Manager]

Okay.

[Ken]

Excuse me, ma', am, can I talk to you in the bathroom?

[Mall Manager]

No. I'm just trying to shop for my mother in law. I'm not sure what to get her.

[Ken]

I work here. I sell perfume.

[Mall Manager]

Oh, great. I was actually considering getting my mother in law some perfume. Anything to recommend?

[Ken]

I'm actually only supposed to talk to you in the bathroom.

[Mall Manager]

Ken, time out. Time out. Ken, time out.

[Ken]

Hold up. Excuse me, ma'. Am. Pardon me for. Pardon. Pardon moi for one moment.

[Mall Manager]

Ken, stop trying to get people in the bathroom. It's scary.

[Ken]

Could we start in the bathroom? Because if I can start in the bathroom, I feel like I'm really going to be in my element.

[Mall Manager]

Why do you feel way more comfortable in the bathroom?

[Ken]

I feel like I can be myself in there. Like, there's no judgments in there. But like, everyone out here, it's just like everyone wants me to be this fancy guy. This like, tight vest fancy guy. But like in the bathroom, it's like zero inhibitions.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

I can't. I quit. I can't do this anymore.

[Mall Manager]

No, Lisa, please. You're the only reason why this counter is still successful.

[Ken]

If Lisa goes, I go.

[Mall Manager]

No. Oh, my God.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

The fact that we have to give a job to the dumbest son of Charles Macy. This guy's an idiot.

[Mall Manager]

Lisa, I get it. But please, it's the week before Christmas. Idiot.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

He's googling idiot. And he spelled it wrong.

[Mall Manager]

Ho, ho, ho.

[Santa/Elves]

Hello there, little girl. What's your name? I'm Santa.

[Mall Manager]

Um, my name's Addy.

[Santa/Elves]

Oh, Addie. How do you spell that?

[Mall Manager]

A D, D, Y?

[Santa/Elves]

Is that a question or a statement? Kidding.

[Mall Manager]

I just saw you and another Santa switch out.

[Santa/Elves]

Oh, that doesn't sound right. How could Santa switch out when there's only one of me to be sure.

[Mall Manager]

Yeah, I thought so. But I saw you and a Santa switch out. You guys seem to be sharing a beard.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Hmm.

[Santa/Elves]

No, that's.

[Mall Manager]

And then you kind of yelled. The other Santa kind of yelled at you because you got. One of you is smoking while you're wearing the beard, and the other one hates the smell of cigarette smoke.

[Santa/Elves]

Oh, excuse me for one second. Hey, we've got a problem here.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Send.

[Santa/Elves]

Send the elves. Elves over. We got a code two, four we got a code two, four.

[Mall Manager]

Listen, Addie and I just feel like Santa wouldn't smoke cigarettes and there wouldn't be two Santas. It seemed like you two were maybe brothers who didn't get along.

[Ken]

All right, your Christmas turn is over. Now you're going away.

[Mall Manager]

Ow.

[Santa/Elves]

Bye, Hattie. What?

[Mall Manager]

Hello.

[Santa/Elves]

What's your name, little boy?

[Ken]

My name is Jarnathan.

[Santa/Elves]

Jarnathan.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Like, is that like a. I have a question. Is that like Skyrizi?

[Santa/Elves]

What is.

[Ken]

I saw you yelling at another Santa in the parking lot. No, it seems like you drove together because I. It seemed like he drove and you both got out of the car and then you were, like, pulling on each other's outfits because, like, there's only one outfit and you both didn't have enough clothes on and you were trying to figure out who get to wear the clothes.

[Santa/Elves]

Listen, Jardiance, there's only one Santa and he doesn't drive. He puts a finger to his nose and gives a wink and suddenly he appears anywhere.

[Ken]

Sort of like he wasn't driving. Well, he was. He kind of hit a lot of cars in the parking lot. My mom said he almost hit our car, but it's okay because we have a camera. So if he had hit our car, we wouldn't have had to. The insurance claim would have sorted itself out.

[Santa/Elves]

Oh, dash cams are a real problem these days. That's why Santa doesn't give them. What do you want for Christmas, little boy?

[Ken]

Well, I guess I kind of want to know what was going on with you and that other Santa and why? How did you get in the car without having enough clothes on? Because it's like, were you coming from somewhere where you were naked or like, what. What was. What's the exact relationship between you and that other Santa?

[Santa/Elves]

Okay, let me let you know a little secret. Have you ever seen the movie Prestige with Christian Bale?

[Ken]

I'm six.

[Santa/Elves]

Okay, we got a problem here. We got a code two, four. Security. We got a code two, four. Elves.

[Mall Manager]

Hey, we're the elves. And we're here to take you away from your parents. You'll never see them again.

[Ken]

Hi, Jack.

[Santa/Elves]

Bye, Jonathan. Oh, hello there. What's your name?

[Mall Manager]

Kimberly.

[Santa/Elves]

Kimberly, did you just wake up?

[Mall Manager]

Yeah, I napped and wanted to meet Santa.

[Santa/Elves]

Yes, and you have. You have met Santa? Kimberly, what a delightful young lady. What can I get for you this year?

[Mall Manager]

I want to know why I saw two Santas fist fighting in the parking lot earlier. My dad said he saw two Santas get really get into it last night at the casino.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Well, that didn't happen.

[Santa/Elves]

But if it did, maybe it's because we all agreed that you stay on 14. Cause if you have a strategy, then you can clean the house out. Does that make sense? Clean out the house, Bring the house down. But if someone hits on 14 and suddenly the strategy is out the fucking window, then that screws everyone at the table.

[Mall Manager]

Is that why we're paying out the ass for photos with Santa? You're charging double now because you lost all your money at the casino?

[Santa/Elves]

No, I'm adjusting for the holiday inspiration. Do you want a photo or not? Cuz it's already been taken. Here it is. Do you want to buy this?

[Mall Manager]

No.

[Santa/Elves]

Well, fuck. Okay then I guess I'll.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

I guess I'll try and find someone.

[Santa/Elves]

Who looks just like you. What was your name again? Sleeps. Hey, Sleeps. What was your name?

[Mall Manager]

Kimberly.

[Santa/Elves]

Kimberly, can I give you some advice?

[Mall Manager]

Okay, Santa?

[Santa/Elves]

Okay. You should run away from home. You dad sucks. Sounds like he sucks.

[Mall Manager]

I mean, he won pretty big at the casino last night.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Elves.

[Santa/Elves]

We got too far. We got too far. Elves. Too far.

[Ken]

It's time for you to go away. We are the elves. It's Christmas dinner. Excuse me, Santa. Excuse me, Santa.

[Mall Manager]

Oh, hello there.

[Santa/Elves]

What's your name? What?

[Ken]

My name is Billy.

[Santa/Elves]

Oh, Billy, you are so tiny. What?

[Ken]

Come up here. I'm small for my age.

[Santa/Elves]

Yes. Billy, what's going on? What can I get you for Christmas?

[Ken]

You can. I could ask you for a Christmas present. And you'd try your your hardest to get me that Christmas present.

[Santa/Elves]

Of course. You just mentioned anything that could be found here in the Milwaukee Greater Mall. And I'm guessing. Yeah.

[Ken]

My mom is a public defender and she says she has this client, his name is Kenny Bostwick, who is a fall Santa and she was defending him in court the other week and he kept coming to court intoxicated and inebriated. And the judge said that he has. He's on his second strike and if he gets three strikes it's 10 years.

[Mall Manager]

Ho ho ho ho.

[Ken]

So I guess for Christmas I would kind of like Kenny Bosto, wherever he is, to get his life together.

[Santa/Elves]

Oh yeah, easy for you to say. Did you know that? Go ahead.

[Ken]

Maybe. Have a merry Christmas.

[Santa/Elves]

May he have a merry Christmas. Interesting. Did you know that alcohol can sometimes be used as medicine? Maybe. The pain of everyday life is so severe that the only way to get through it is to dull your mind and your senses daily. Because the unforgiving, unrelentless march of time and the dead end job you found yourself in. And the wife that ran off with a different mall Santa. That all that compounds and adds up, and everyone's going through something. I'm not saying that. I'm not saying everyone's not going through something, okay? But some of us are going through something so insane.

[Ken]

Duplos.

[Santa/Elves]

That we. You want diplo? What?

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Duplos.

[Ken]

Just duplos.

[Santa/Elves]

Duplos. What do you say?

[Ken]

No duplos. It's like Legos, but they're, like, kind of bigger for younger kids.

[Santa/Elves]

Just say big Legos and get off my fucking lap and tell your mom.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Hey.

[Santa/Elves]

Tell your mom I'm not paying the bills.

[Ken]

She's a public defender.

[Santa/Elves]

She can stop sending me bills.

[Ken]

She's a public defender.

[Santa/Elves]

Whatever she's sending me in the mail, it can stop.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Okay.

[Ken]

Court summons. She said court summons. Hey, welcome to Sbaro. What can I get you?

[Sales Associate Lisa]

See here? Let's see, let's see. Do you have, like, a spicy buffalo chicken kind of thing?

[Ken]

No, sorry. And the menu is out of date. It's just all we have is, like, Chris, Christmas pizza.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Oh, what's.

[Mall Manager]

Dude, we've been in line for, like, 45 minutes. Just pick. Come on.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

I know. I just don't. Hey, it's, like, 14 bucks a slice. I want to get this right. Is it, like, red crust or. What's a Christmas pizza?

[Ken]

Yes, Christmas pizza. So it's like. It's red and green. It's basically, like, red and green pizza.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Okay. Hey, Bev. It's like, red and green pizza. It's like, maybe pesto and marinara. Is it pesto and marinara? Oh, okay. Hey, Bev. Bev.

[Mall Manager]

Hey. We are both at the mall at the same time, but we are not here together. Okay? We are not here together.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Okay. So I'm not buying your slice.

[Mall Manager]

No, you should buy. That's the very least you could do is buy my slice.

[Ken]

Two slices of Christmas pizza.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

No, one slice. Christmas.

[Mall Manager]

I want pepperoni.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Yeah.

[Ken]

So the sign's at a date for the holidays. It's only. All we have left is Christmas pizza.

[Mall Manager]

What is Christmas pizza?

[Ken]

It's like, red and green pizza.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Yeah.

[Mall Manager]

What's the green?

[Sales Associate Lisa]

What's the green?

[Ken]

So it's like. It's like. You know like how, like, pizza has, like, shredded cheese?

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Yes.

[Ken]

It's like shredded lettuce.

[Mall Manager]

Ah, that sounds horrible.

[Ken]

It's cooked. It's cooked. It's not cold.

[Mall Manager]

What?

[Ken]

It's Hot.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Panda Express.

[Mall Manager]

Let's see. No, I wanted pepperoni from Sbarro pizza, and I guess I don't really want to have to negotiate anymore or sort of compromise anymore after you cheated on me with our neighbor. So I guess we're gonna wait in this line and be in this line, and then you're also probably gonna buy me a Wetzel's pretzel later. And that's just what I'm thinking is gonna happen.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Reggie. Let me ask you something, Reggie. Is hand stuff cheating? Say no. Say no. Say no, say no.

[Mall Manager]

Because he did everything except hand stuff. Cause he thought that hand stuff was the only thing that was cheating. He thought everything else was.

[Ken]

Okay, had you told him hand stuff is.

[Mall Manager]

Yeah, I said hand stuff is cheating, and he thought that meant the only thing is that is cheating is hand stuff.

[Ken]

Dude, that's misleading because I can see how you could say hand stuff.

[Mall Manager]

Reggie, you're joking. Reggie, go back to the.

[Ken]

I'm not on his side. I can just say pepperoni and cheese.

[Mall Manager]

On a fucking pizza for me.

[Ken]

Okay, Can I be honest? I don't like to make any of that other pizza. I like to make Reggie's Christmas pizza. That's all I made today.

[Mall Manager]

Yeah, but can you make me a pepperoni pizza, please?

[Ken]

Because, man, I can. But, like, I think Reggie's pizza, Christmas pizza is good, and I think more people should be trying it.

[Mall Manager]

Reggie, can I tell you something? No one likes hand stuff, okay? Hand stuff is for people who haven't really had sex yet and are in their parents basement and they're just trying stuff out. Hand stuff, as a grownup, sort of goes out the window. Why do you tell people it's not some sort of heroic feat?

[Ken]

Did he ask about hand stuff?

[Mall Manager]

Yes, he said, hey, babe. He went, knock, knock. I was in my office and he went, hey, babe, is hand stuff cheating? And I went, yes, of course hand stuff is cheating.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Oh, interesting. Now, sitting in the pantry is your office. Interesting.

[Ken]

I'm back on her side because I thought you, ma', am, have brought up to him that hand stuff is cheating and had not specified anything else. But if he asked about it and you just responded to it, I'm back on your side.

[Mall Manager]

Thank you, Reggie.

[Ken]

Two Reggies, two Reggie's Christmas.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

No. Nobody wants Reggie's fucking lettuce.

[Ken]

I think if people tried it, they would like it.

[Mall Manager]

After he cheated, he came back into the house and said, but I didn't do hand stuff. And that was so hard to not do hand stuff. And I went, no, no, it's not. It's very easy to not do hand stuff.

[Ken]

Well.

[Mall Manager]

Well, Reggie, come on, man.

[Ken]

Was. He didn't use his hands at all?

[Mall Manager]

No, he used his hands, but he just didn't do hand stuff.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Yeah, what's the line?

[Ken]

What's the line?

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Hand on penis.

[Ken]

That's fine.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

No, that's the line.

[Ken]

That's the line.

[Santa/Elves]

Yeah.

[Ken]

Dude, you telling me he didn't touch his own penis the whole time? That's.

[Mall Manager]

No, he touched his own penis.

[Ken]

Oh, we didn't touch the other guy's penis.

[Mall Manager]

Yes.

[Ken]

Yes, dude. Okay, I'm back on her side.

[Mall Manager]

Thank you, Reggie.

[Ken]

You know what, ma', am, you've been wronged.

[Mall Manager]

I. I know.

[Ken]

Reggie's Sabara Accorded pizza. I award you one slice of original Reggie Christmas pizza.

[Mall Manager]

No.

[Ken]

Would you please try it?

[Mall Manager]

No.

[Ken]

Please, would you just try it and give me your honest opinion? Because no one can.

[Mall Manager]

I have it for free.

[Ken]

Then I'll give it to you for free. One bite. Okay. But if you like it, if you like it, you buy the rest of the slice.

[Mall Manager]

Okay?

[Ken]

Okay. Hot or cold or.

[Mall Manager]

What do you mean hot or cold?

[Ken]

Reggie, it's cooked pizza. But do you want me to warm it up? Basically, of course. Okay. Okay.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Well that's also a terrible deal. Cuz once she takes a bite of it for free, to buy the rest to pay full price for a slice that has a bite out of it. That's insane.

[Mall Manager]

Yeah, gross.

[Ken]

But you took the bite.

[Mall Manager]

We're not sure. How do I know? How can I quality check that?

[Ken]

Just don't go anywhere with it. Just eat it in front of me.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

But things should reset once you take a bite. Now I want a full slice of pizza and I'll pay the full slice price. But to pay full price for a slice that has a bite of it, that's insane.

[Mall Manager]

Honey, that is a really good point. That is a good point.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. So it sounds like not guilty because no hands die.

[Mall Manager]

No, no, no. You definitely are guilty. Okay, you were inside of someone.

[Ken]

Okay, so I have the slice. So here's so one free bite from the front, not from the back.

[Mall Manager]

Oh wait, no. I want a crust bite. Are you kidding? I want. Of course I want a crust bite. I don't eat the lettuce.

[Ken]

Normal pizza.

[Mall Manager]

I know, that's quite. That's why I want to eat it.

[Ken]

And you won't even know if you like it.

[Mall Manager]

Don't you want me to have a part of the pizza that I like? So I end up buying the full slice Because I just need to like the bite that I take.

[Ken]

I have to this all day because then you'll Say, hey, then I turned the pizza around, ate the part I didn't like, and I want a refund, but I'm not giving any more refunds.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Is this like Undercover Boss or something where, like, we go to punch you, and then you take off your dumb hat and you're like, I'm actually the owner. And that was a trick.

[Mall Manager]

But why would he be tricking us? Honey, that makes no sense. We don't work.

[Santa/Elves]

I don't know.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

This guy sucks so fucking bad, I can't tell what's going on.

[Ken]

What? I suck so fucking bad. You're the one who sucked. Seems like you sucked and now you're down bad.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

I suck well, my dude.

[Mall Manager]

Ugh. Don't remind me. Oh, my God.

[Ken]

Whatever.

[Mall Manager]

Okay, okay. We'll take two slices.

[Ken]

One bite from the back, one bite from the front. If you like it, he pays for your slice.

[Mall Manager]

Okay. What?

[Ken]

All right. Here you go. Ah, shit, I forgot the lettuce. Ah, nuts.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

I missed out on getting the worm this morning.

[Mall Manager]

Wait, but you're. You talked all about wanting to be the early bird.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

I know. Well, what I say and what I do is two different things. There's quite a discrepancy.

[Ken]

You've been practicing the worm all year. You said you were gonna get out of bed, flop down on the floor, and start writhing around.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

I know. I love breakdancing, but I guess I didn't get it. I gotta get up more early. Oh, you know what else I need to do early? Acorns Early.

[Ken]

Ah. Oh, wait. You mean Acorns early, the smart debit card and money app that grows kids money skills as they grow up that acorns early. Yeah.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

When my kids get out of their eggs, out of the nest, out of, I want them to be prepared and set up for success in the world.

[Mall Manager]

That would have changed my life because I was growing up being like, why aren't they teaching us how to handle our finances in school? They're kind of just throwing us to the wolves when we turn 20, and I don't know anything about money. And if I had had acorns early, this would have been way easier.

[Ken]

Yeah, with Acorns early, you start with the in app Chores tracker and teach your kids the value of a dollar. Then you can let your kids set their own saving goals and start building healthy bunny habits early. Kids can spend what they've earned with their very own customizable debit card, giving them that extra sense of independence. Plus, with acorn's early spending limits and real time spend notifications Parents always stay in control.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

What do squirrels do with acorns? Are those like their pillows? Is that their money?

[Mall Manager]

These are really good questions.

[Ken]

They treat them like pillows.

[Mall Manager]

If your kid, I don't know, is starting a winter lemonade stand and you need to help them stretch that dollar, really start their business, Acorns early might be the answer.

[Ken]

When my kids are old enough, because they're not quite old enough yet, I'm definitely going to be using Acorns early to help teach them financial literacy. I've played around with this tool. It's really awesome and it teaches a lot of great lessons for younger children to start with good money habits early on.

[Mall Manager]

Ready to teach your kids the smart way to earn, save and spend? Get your first month on us when you head to acornserly.com heyriddle or download the Acorns Early App. That's one month free when you sign up at acornsearly.com heyriddle R I D.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

D L E let's all say what kind of bird we are on three. One, two, three A pretty bird.

[Ken]

Acorns are their religion for squirrels. Oh Acorns early is issued by Community Federal Savings bank member FDIC pursuant to licensed by MasterCard International. Free trial for new subscribers only. Subscription fee starting from $5 per month unless cancelled term [e-mail] earlyterms Aaron GPC Whoa.

[Santa/Elves]

What are you doing?

[Sales Associate Lisa]

I feel like I just saw you at home. Were you in my home?

[Mall Manager]

Were you thinking you saw a photo of us on your aura frames? I mean, we wear these clothes every day, like cartoons, so probably seems familiar.

[Ken]

Cartoons do this too.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

They simply must. I mean, that's how high the quality is on my aura frame that I thought you were actually, I've been talking to you guys for days.

[Mall Manager]

Aww.

[Ken]

Oh yeah, you've just been talking to pictures of us. But Aura Frames fit so seamlessly into your home that you probably thought that we were right there with you.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

That must be it. And I don't know if you know this, but Aura Frames has unlimited free photos and videos. You can just download the Aura app and connect to Wi Fi. One of my favorite features is also that you can add photos to other people's frames if you've gifted to them and they've given you access, which I think is just delightful.

[Mall Manager]

And you can do little reactions on your aura frames being like, congratulations or that's a funny photo.

[Ken]

Plus Aura Frames. If you buy one, the gift box is included, which is a big plus for me, who hates Wrapping things. Every frame comes packaged in a premium gift box with no price tag. You can't wrap togetherness, but you can frame it. But I will warn you, they don't tell you this. Aura Frames does not tell you this. But do not buy Aura Frames unless you want to be the number one grandson. I'm telling you, you're gonna be the number one grandson. And it's gonna be really hard if your grandparents have other grandsons because they're not gonna feel like they did their job.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

And I will say I've given Aura Frames as gifts to several family members and it has gone over so well. Everyone given it to has been over the moon.

[Mall Manager]

Yeah. And do you really want to make your loved ones happy? What am I saying?

[Ken]

For a limited time, visit auraframes.com and get $45 off Aura's best selling Carver Matte frames named number one by Wirecutter by using promo code riddle at checkout. That's a U R A frames.com promo code RIDDLE. This exclusive black Friday Cyber Monday deal is their best of the year. So order now before it ends. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Aaron, I just added a photo to your aura frame. It's sort of a belt buckle. I think it's Ryan. Rena.

[Mall Manager]

Oh, I fell for it again. How did I fall for it again?

[Ken]

Happy Christmas to us all.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Okay, and just put those up on the counter. Let's see what we have here. We have God of War, Ragnarok mid. Okay. We have A Breath of the wild. All right. This is a loose Mario party cartridge. Okay. The one. Your trade in value for GameStop would be $8.78.

[Ken]

What? I'm so conf. Wait, hold on. I'm so confused.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Your trade in value from the 46 games you brought in here, I've won over all of it. And your trade in value is $8. And what did I say? We'll just say $8 even.

[Ken]

So you're gonna give me $8 in trade value? Okay. In trade value?

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Yeah. Eight GameStop dollars.

[Ken]

And then you. You keep all of these?

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Yeah, I mean, I guess we'll find a way to, I don't know, sell them or something. But yeah, I mean, you're really getting a deal because we're doing a lot of work here.

[Ken]

Can I confer with my.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

No. It's a three second offer. Three.

[Ken]

Take it, Take it, take it, take it, take it.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

All right.

[Ken]

Okay. And I get this like a gift.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Card or it's store credit and it expires in five minutes. Who is your friend there with you?

[Ken]

My buddy Matt.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

He looks like a lawyer.

[Ken]

Oh, Matt, would you like to tell why you look like a lawyer?

[Mall Manager]

Cause I'm a lawyer.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Oh, okay.

[Ken]

He's a lawyer.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

All right. Well, just so you know, that was a good deal. That was a fair deal. And it's already been. It's already done. We have a verbal. A verbal agreement, and we do.

[Mall Manager]

Ladies and gentlemen of.

[Santa/Elves]

Mostly gentlemen in here.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Mostly gentlemen.

[Mall Manager]

Couple ladies. Let's not. Let's not totally. Well, I'm just saying right now there's currently no ladies, but there could be. Yeah.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Usually better. Just buying it online or something versus spending it. Yeah. Go ahead.

[Mall Manager]

Gentlemen of the gamestop, do you think it's fair to bring in, I don't know, something like $400 worth of video games into a GameStop as a trade in and be handed $8 back? Because this gentleman right here thinks that that is fair, and I think he should be put to death for his crimes.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Hey, come on.

[Mall Manager]

To take advantage of a sweet guy that's just trying to get a little bit of cash before Christmas so he can buy his baby that he's neglected the entire year to play video games a present.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Oh, I. I didn't know it was for your baby.

[Mall Manager]

Oh, you didn't know it was for a baby? It's because. Why everyone. And everyone's nodding and saying, because he didn't ask.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

You know what? I feel bad. Here is a QR code for some free DLR for the most recent Resident Evil dlr.

[Mall Manager]

We don't know what that means. So we actually want $40 in store credit.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

No, DLR is like DLC, but it's the R is for really bad. We would give away dlc.

[Ken]

Okay, so, Matt, did you give me my. Did he get the $40 or. He said no. Where does that kind of leave us?

[Mall Manager]

Can we have $30?

[Sales Associate Lisa]

H. I'll give you $8 in store credit.

[Mall Manager]

It's a pretty good deal.

[Ken]

That's what he offers. The first offer.

[Mall Manager]

Oh, shoot. Oh, yeah.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Are your suspenders Velcroed on? Lawyer? Are your suspenders Velcroed on?

[Mall Manager]

No.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Because every time you put your thumb.

[Mall Manager]

That's hard. Hurts. Hurts my thumbs. Ow.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Okay, what do you want to use this $8 credit towards? You have four minutes more games. Wait, that's just the kids.

[Mall Manager]

Mom, this doesn't fit. And scratchy. The sweater is scratchy. It's itchy.

[Ken]

All of your cousins are going to be wearing this sweater.

[Mall Manager]

I don't care poor please. Grandma's going to die no matter what I wear.

[Ken]

Everyone's going to die no matter what. That's not the point. The point is what we do with the time that we have.

[Mall Manager]

I'm so tired of it being like it's grandma's last Christmas. It's grandma's last Christmas. Cuz you guys have been saying that for 10 years and she's a monster and she's still alive. She makes us wear matching sweaters and I hate it, Mom. I hate it.

[Ken]

Cameron. Cameron. It's one thing that you have to do for your grandma. As far as we know, it is her last Christmas. Every Christmas is her last Christmas, Mom.

[Mall Manager]

She's the devil.

[Ken]

What?

[Mall Manager]

She's the devil.

[Ken]

We don't know that.

[Mall Manager]

She acts a lot like the devil, Mom.

[Ken]

We. We don't. But we don't know that she is. Someone can act like something, like. Like Ben Affleck. He can act like Batman, but he's not Batman.

[Mall Manager]

Christian Bale is Batman.

[Ken]

Christian Bale is Batman. In our household, Christian Bale is Batman.

[Mall Manager]

Or Robert Pattinson.

[Ken]

No, it's Bale Keaton.

[Mall Manager]

Okay, what about Clooney?

[Ken]

Clooney? You could see his nipples.

[Mall Manager]

Yeah, you love that, Mom. You love that. Okay, I see Google George Clooney nipples all the time. We share.

[Ken]

You're trying to get me to talk about George Clooney's nipples instead of putting on that sweatshirt. Cameron, it's the last one we have. The last one the store has. Just wear the sweatshirt, okay?

[Mall Manager]

Everyone else in the world talks about how wonderful Christmas time is and how great Christmas time is. And I go. We go to my grandmother's house in Maine and it's a labyrinth of terrors the whole time. It's a nightmare week.

[Ken]

Yes, I. Cameron, I agree with you. It is not. I never told you that Christmas was wonderful or that Christmas was, you know, a good time or festive or full of cheer and love. Christmas is a nightmare. But it's our nightmare, Cameron. It's the one that we live through together. Okay?

[Mall Manager]

I hope it's her last Christmas.

[Ken]

I do too. Everyone does. But we wear this sweat.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Attention Milwaukee Greater Mall shoppers.

[Santa/Elves]

We've had a report of someone saying George Clooney's nipples.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Please, for the comfort of all shoppers.

[Santa/Elves]

This holiday season, please do not say George Clooney's nipples.

[Ken]

Cameron. Did you turn me in? Did you turn me in?

[Mall Manager]

Well, I knew you already had two strikes, so I thought. Can we try get. You kicked us out before we buy this stupid scratchy sweater.

[Ken]

You have to just get through this, okay? You have to get through this. We have to fly to Maine. We have to do Christmas at your grandmother's. Nobody's going to have a good time, but we're all going to pretend. Because if we don't, Cameron, we don't get any of the inheritance. When and if she eventually dies, I.

[Mall Manager]

Think it's a lie. I think it's a lie that she uses to Marion at her kids.

[Ken]

It's the only thing we have, okay? Whether or not it's a lie, it's all we have. We have everything riding on this camera. Do you want to go to college?

[Mall Manager]

No, not really. Fuck. Sounds like a lot of work and. You know what I mean. I. I know. I know for a fact that Grandma killed her last husband. I know for a fact. I saw it. And then she walked up to me and she went, no one's gonna believe you, Cameron. Good luck trying to get to get people to believe you, Cameron. And then she poured eggnog all over my head.

[Ken]

Good. Did you say thank you?

[Mall Manager]

Yes. Good. Terrified.

[Ken]

Yes, of course. Of course she killed her last husband. She kills all the husbands. She kills everyone, Cameron. $80 million.

[Mall Manager]

I don't think she has a penny to her name.

[Ken]

Oh, Cameron. She has a penny. We sit through a presentation from her law team about how much her wealth has increased every year.

[Mall Manager]

Anyone can pretend to be a lawyer. I saw two kids earlier at a GameStop who had slicked back their hair with water from the sink and they were dressed like lawyers. They're trying to get one over on them.

[Ken]

Okay, fine, Cameron. We just won't go to Maine. We won't go to Maine. We won't go to Christmas.

[Mall Manager]

Yeah. Amazing. We can have Christmas, just us. It will be so cozy.

[Ken]

Oh, yeah, it'll be cozy in our one bedroom apartment where we have no furniture. Because we're waiting for that $80 million to come in.

[Mall Manager]

What if we worked, Bob?

[Ken]

No. We're Vanderbilts. We do not work. We wait.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Hey. Hey, playa. Can I talk to you for a second, player? Excuse me.

[Santa/Elves]

Hi.

[Ken]

Oh, sorry.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Don't make me chase you down.

[Ken]

No, I'm good. I'm good.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Hey.

[Mall Manager]

Sorry.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

I saw you walk right by my kiosk. I know.

[Ken]

Yeah.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Did you want to buy a black shirt with Post Malone's face next to a Utah Jazz logo?

[Ken]

Hey, man, I get that you're just trying to sell, you know, stuff from the kiosk, but I'm good. I don't.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Crap. No one Said no one said crap.

[Ken]

I didn't say crap.

[Santa/Elves]

Good.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Well, yeah, because it's not crap.

[Ken]

Hey.

[Mall Manager]

Hey. Hey. Hi. You're cutting near my kiosk. Do you want to buy iridescent wind chimes?

[Ken]

No, I. Yeah, do you want to.

[Mall Manager]

Buy iridescent wind chimes?

[Ken]

I didn't place the Kia. I'm just trying to walk through the mall.

[Mall Manager]

Oh, yeah, but you're in my zone.

[Ken]

Now, so why don't you guys talk to each other?

[Mall Manager]

$80. $80. $80.

[Ken]

I'm good.

[Mall Manager]

Wind chimes.

[Ken]

Stop saying $80. Whoa. Whoa.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Excuse me, buddy. You backed right up into my kiosk. Can I interest you in a GoPro for condoms?

[Ken]

What? This isn't a kiosk. What is this? This looks like three moving boxes.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

This is three moving boxes full of GoPros for condoms. And I'm letting them go for dude. Huh?

[Ken]

Nobody wants that. I don't even know how that would work. And I don't want to know how that works. I'm just trying. I'm trying to get.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

I can show you how it works. Can I meet you in the bathroom?

[Mall Manager]

Seems like you stumbled across my kiosk. I sell little dogs that are electronic and they scream.

[Ken]

You're dangling on wires from the ceiling. I think towards your Kia.

[Mall Manager]

I also sell little, like, helicopter things that I can remote control. Come on.

[Ken]

I'm not. Hey. Get off of me. Okay. Don't touch me. I know. You're not allowed to touch me.

[Mall Manager]

Hi.

[Ken]

You're allowed.

[Mall Manager]

Do you want any sweet soap? Soap you could eat?

[Santa/Elves]

Yeah, soap you can eat. My wife and I make it in the.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Not our bathtub.

[Mall Manager]

Not the bathtub. We make it in the. Not bathtub.

[Ken]

Honey, there's a picture of you. It's a big picture of you making it. Soap in a bathtub. It looks like you're making soap in the bathtub in this case.

[Santa/Elves]

Well, that's a painting and it's fictitious.

[Mall Manager]

CDC says no.

[Ken]

There's paint on it. There's paint on it.

[Mall Manager]

The health department says no, we don't make it in the bathtub. How many bars of soap could we put you down for?

[Ken]

What did you paint? You put some paint on a picture?

[Mall Manager]

Chocolate Soap.

[Ken]

Chocolate stuff. I don't want. I'm not Heman.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Hey, man. Hey. Hey, What's. What kind of phone do you have there? That's a cool phone.

[Ken]

Through my pocket.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Yeah, I can see the outline. Unless that's your weird dick. Is that your weird dick or a phone man?

[Ken]

Relax. Okay? I'm just I don't want any of this.

[Mall Manager]

Fucking disgusting. Can I straighten it? Your hair looks so gross and disgusting. I can fix that for you. I can straighten it. Little rat hair. Rat hair. Straighten your hair. Come here. Come here. It's a hot tool. It's a hot tool. Come here.

[Ken]

I have, like, half an inch of hair.

[Santa/Elves]

Oh, Shh.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Hey, calm down, buddy. Why don't you lay down for this kiosk massage where everyone passing by can see you and it'll both hurt like hell and feel like nothing at the same time.

[Ken]

Lay down.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Hey, lay down.

[Ken]

I don't have a chair. Just put them down on the ground at the mall.

[Mall Manager]

Lay down.

[Ken]

No, I'm not gonna lay down. I'm not gonna lay down on the ground at the mall.

[Mall Manager]

The Fine.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Hey, it's already started. It's already started.

[Ken]

You know, I know.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

You're not allowed to touch her.

[Mall Manager]

Like hell it feel like nothing.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

$80Aminute.

[Ken]

I know you're not allowed to.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

A minute.

[Ken]

Stop saying $80. None of this is worth $80.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Hey, player. Hey, player. Hey, player. Oh, you again.

[Ken]

The first guy.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Yeah, I got more than one kiosk. Hey, you want to buy a T shirt with Post Malone's face on it next to Utah Jazz? Well, I'm reasonable. I'm reasonable. $120.

[Ken]

I'm $120 for that.

[Santa/Elves]

Yeah.

[Ken]

That's Post Malone's face.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

That's Post Malone's face next to the Utah Jazz logo.

[Ken]

They have, like, tattoos on his face.

[Mall Manager]

Like, $80 wind chimes. $80 wind chimes.

[Ken]

How is it possible that I'm back here?

[Mall Manager]

Okay. Okay, everybody. The limited edition Lego sets are we. We still have six left. Okay. And I know.

[Ken]

Oh, my God.

[Santa/Elves]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Mall Manager]

It's right before Christmas and tension is high. Emotions are running high. We decided, even though you have been waiting out here in line, that we are going to give everyone a random note number and then you can come in in six. No, I'm going to give you a one.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

One. I should have said one.

[Mall Manager]

We're going to hand you a number out of a bowl, everyone. That is your assigned number. And you will come in in that order, one at a time, so there is no violence.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Bowl made out of Legos.

[Santa/Elves]

Bowl made.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

How much for the bowl?

[Ken]

How much for the bowl? The bowl for sale?

[Mall Manager]

The bowl is not for sale. We use it for sort of employee raffles and stuff.

[Ken]

Do I have a job here?

[Mall Manager]

We're not currently hiring. We're a little overstaffed because it's the holidays.

[Ken]

And then I bet you hire on some people that are gonna try to steal that bowl. Hire me on the security. I'll protect it.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

The first lady who you handed the bowl to, she ran off with it.

[Mall Manager]

Okay?

[Sales Associate Lisa]

She's gone.

[Mall Manager]

I'm just gonna point to random people and give you numbers. 1.

[Ken]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You cannot just point to random people and give them numbers. We do not know your biases.

[Mall Manager]

Okay?

[Ken]

Have. Has any race ever wronged you? Don't say white. Don't say white. Don't say white. Don't say white.

[Mall Manager]

Say mostly white people. No. Yes.

[Ken]

You have biases.

[Santa/Elves]

Yes.

[Ken]

You're definitely not gonna point to me.

[Mall Manager]

White people with, like, blonde, curly hair. Door in line.

[Ken]

I'll shave it off. I'll change it.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

You're mostly describing that guy from Brian Philippe.

[Mall Manager]

So you know Ryan Philippe. Cruel intentions indeed. Cruel intentions indeed. Ryan. Look, don't blame Ryan Philippe.

[Ken]

Don't blame the rest of us guys out here for what Ryan Philippe did with him. We disavow.

[Mall Manager]

You look just like Ryan Philippe. I think you might be him. I think he might be him. And that's why your number is million. Hope you like being million.

[Ken]

This is why the biases. This is why I said about the biases.

[Mall Manager]

Hope you even get one single LEGO brick that you can give to your kid or whatever the fuck.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Why don't we go around the line and we each. Because some of us are here for the limited edition that only has a few less. But. But some of us are here for other sets, so let's maybe go around and each say what set we're looking to grab.

[Mall Manager]

Okay. I feel like you're all here for the same set. Lego's first ever nudity porno set.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

That's what I'm here for.

[Mall Manager]

Yeah, everyone's nodding.

[Ken]

I'm actually here for Frasier Lego. So if I could go to the front of the line.

[Mall Manager]

Yeah, that is the same set, sir.

[Ken]

Damn it.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

It's Miles Crane, full nude, holding the dog next to the dad in the chair.

[Ken]

Okay, here's an idea. I know a lot of us probably have different circumstances that have led us to want to buy that Lego. What if we each kind of sing, like, a sad song that kind of tells our story?

[Mall Manager]

Okay, I'll allow that.

[Ken]

And whichever song you think speaks to you more is like a person who kind of gets to go to the front of the line.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Well, my name is Tom, and I've Never had sex and I've never had sex and I need this bad.

[Santa/Elves]

Need this bad.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

I need these Legos.

[Santa/Elves]

Please, please, please. I need these Legos.

[Mall Manager]

Tom, right to the front. Okay, that is the one to beat.

[Ken]

Okay. I'm a lonely man and I live alone.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

That's free falling.

[Mall Manager]

Back of the line. Ryan Phillippe, back of the line. Come on.

[Ken]

Hold on, hold on.

[Mall Manager]

Ryan Phillippe, back of the line.

[Ken]

Tubbs was.

[Mall Manager]

Goddamn Tensions in. Indeed, tubbs was.

[Ken]

God Damn it. By Blake. 182. I didn't want to say anything.

[Mall Manager]

No, it wasn't.

[Ken]

It absolutely.

[Mall Manager]

No, it wasn't. Think back.

[Ken]

Absolutely.

[Mall Manager]

Think back.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

No, there goes. There's goes. And mine goes.

[Mall Manager]

His goes, and that one goes.

[Ken]

Fine, fine. I'll leave Olive.

[Mall Manager]

Back of the line.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

He's going to his friend alive.

[Mall Manager]

Hey, hey, hey.

[Ken]

This is.

[Mall Manager]

Don't make me punch you.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

This is the front.

[Ken]

This is the front. I thought this was the back.

[Mall Manager]

No, she didn't.

[Ken]

Philip.

[Mall Manager]

I thought this was the back. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. Philippine.

[Ken]

I thought this was the back.

[Mall Manager]

Is that the song that's in Cruel Intentions?

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Oh, I thought someone was doing the sad song contest, but they were just doing an instrumental, and I was like, that's brilliant.

[Mall Manager]

I was. Sorry, it's me, an orphan in the back, trying to get the Frasier porto.

[Ken]

Set for Christmas forever. No way. That's an orphan.

[Mall Manager]

Hey. Sorry. I was actually gonna get into this parking spot that's. Actually, I've been looking for parking, and I saw this spot first, and I just wanted to pull in and take the spot. Thank you so much. You just move your Nissan.

[Ken]

Interesting. You saw this first?

[Mall Manager]

Yes, I saw this spot first, sir, so.

[Ken]

Oh, but did you see me? Because I was kind of. I've been waiting for this spot, and.

[Mall Manager]

You kind of like, oh, I saw your car sort of pull up after I found the spot, and, well, you.

[Ken]

Kind of sort of raced around from the other side.

[Mall Manager]

Well, I had just been in this, and I just had been looping around because I saw a person get in their car, and so I went and I looped.

[Santa/Elves]

Oh, Jordan, there you are. I need the suit, buddy. I need the suit right now.

[Ken]

Please, for my dead body. You need the suit.

[Santa/Elves]

Give me the.

[Ken]

I have to use the suit.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

My shit. My shift starts in five.

[Santa/Elves]

My shit. What? I'm near the Nordstrom Rack.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Where are you?

[Ken]

I'm on the other side of the mall.

[Santa/Elves]

I'm at the suit.

[Mall Manager]

Sir, move your Nissan back, please.

[Ken]

Hey, I'm not talking to you anymore. I've moved on with my life. I'm happy to just leave the Nissan here. I don't give a shit about this car.

[Mall Manager]

Okay, then get. Leave your Nissan, Move it back a little bit and I'm not moving it.

[Ken]

I'm not moving it.

[Mall Manager]

Sir, I am tired. I got two kids in the back and I'm willing to destroy. Destroy your car.

[Santa/Elves]

There's no kids back here.

[Ken]

Those are puppets. Guaranteed puppets.

[Mall Manager]

Love is love is love is love is love. And I love these puppets.

[Santa/Elves]

I can't quote Lin Manuel Miranda.

[Mall Manager]

And I love these puppets like they're my own kids.

[Ken]

Hey, ma', am, you're actually fighting right now with a half naked Santa Claus with a beat to niece on it.

[Mall Manager]

Is the Saturday before Christmas. You think I haven't seen weirder shit today already? Everyone's fighting for their fucking lives out here.

[Ken]

What do I have to lose? Nothing.

[Mall Manager]

I've got nothing to lose. I'm a lady with two puppets in the back. You got a Nissan.

[Santa/Elves]

Okay, let's all be calm.

[Mall Manager]

You got a 2019 Nissan. You're doing just fine.

[Ken]

Oh, you think my life's so great. Why don't we do this? You and me, right now. Leave both cars here, walk to the wishing well fountain in the mall, start to pee into it, Hit by lightning.

[Mall Manager]

Switch places, have sex. See what it's like to have sex.

[Ken]

With ourselves from a different angle. How about that?

[Mall Manager]

Merry Christmas.

[Ken]

Let's go.

[Mall Manager]

Let's go. They get out of their cars, walk into the mall.

[Ken]

Two local weirdos found dead in a fountain at the mall.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Thanks, Jeremy. I'm here on site at the mall where we're also talking to. I mean, obviously that's very tragic, But I'm also talking to holiday shoppers who are doing their shopping at the last minute. Hi, ma', am. What's your name?

[Mall Manager]

My name is Linda.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Linda, why are you here and what are you getting?

[Mall Manager]

I have procrastinated on my list and I came here today and I tried to do all my list real quick and I don't have any of the things that are on my list anymore. And so I'm having to just sort of figure it out and think about what my loved ones might want on the fly.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

That's right. A lot of shoppers are saying that what they're searching for is sold out. We've heard. Ma', Am, you can. You can shuffle along. We've heard reports that the Frasier.

[Mall Manager]

Please, can I stay with you?

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Oh, no.

[Mall Manager]

Pulls on little newscaster jacket. Please can I stay with you. Please.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Please don't Tug.

[Mall Manager]

Please.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

We've heard reports that the Frasier Niles Crane nudity set has already caused. Has already caused. Oh, boy. Fuck. Has already caused quite a commotion.

[Mall Manager]

You get fired, you can live with me.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

No, thank you. Hard pass. Now we go to our reporter on the scene who's actually at Santa's Village in the mall. Jordan, how's Santa's Village?

[Ken]

Santa's Village, this is Jordan Piper reporting from Santa's Village. Something terrible, something has happened here. There are no signs of Santa, no signs of elves, no signs of children. Just parents left in a confused stupor as to what has been going on at Santa's Village. There have been reports that real elves, 2 to 3ft tall with razor sharp teeth have been taking the children and chucking them into the abyss.

[Mall Manager]

Don't tell our secrets. You're gonna be next. Don't tell our secrets. We'll cut off your neck.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Thanks, Jordan. Back to me. Hi. Who are you shopping for and what have you bought?

[Ken]

I'm actually not shopping at all at the mall today.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Okay, so what are you doing here?

[Ken]

So Christmas time. See, there's a lot of people and they're desperate and they're frustrated and they have a lot of emotions and they waited to the last minute. And I'm a pickup artist who likes to come to the mall on Christmas so I can try to sleep with those people, sexually speaking.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Interesting. Samantha. We're here at the mall from seemingly. That guy from Abbott elementary and she. Hulk, I forget his name. He's also in the other two.

[Ken]

Tatiana Masla. No relation.

[Mall Manager]

Sir. We are going to be closing for Christmas in about two minutes. So just wrap up whatever shopping you need to do and we can send you on your way. We'll check you out quick, wrap it for you and then you can get home to your family.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Oh, two minutes, he said.

[Mall Manager]

Yeah, we're closing. Two minutes for Christmas.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

I think that'll be fine. Just taking a few things off my list. Wink.

[Mall Manager]

Huh. Did anyone ever tell you that you look like Santa Claus?

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Me? No. My name is Nicholas. That's Santa's name over shoulder. No, Santa's name is Santa. My name is Nicholas.

[Mall Manager]

Oh. Well, is there anything I can help you find off your list, Mr. Nicholas?

[Santa/Elves]

Let's see.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

I guess there's only one item left and that's a date for Tonight's dinner at 7:30pm at Cortez Steakhouse.

[Mall Manager]

I guess I'm free. But if you were really Santa, you wouldn't be free because you gotta go deliver gifts, huh?

[Santa/Elves]

Hmm.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Yeah, I guess if I was Santa, that would be the case. Or maybe if I was Santa, I would have got with the times and figured out some sort of new technology that takes care of the gifts so that Santa can get his.

[Mall Manager]

Oh, I guess I am free after all.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Oh, what's this? Sorry for this form fitting, tight red suit. I have this little satchel around my. Wait, let me. Oh, what's this in my satchel? Oh, some lingerie.

[Mall Manager]

Oh, okay, that's interesting. Also, a ton of condoms just sort of fell out. You did that like used condoms? That's fine.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Interesting. Yeah, guess I've been naughty.

[Ken]

Is this the guy? Thanks for stalling him.

[Mall Manager]

Is this the guy? Yeah, this is the guy. Hey.

[Santa/Elves]

What?

[Ken]

Sir, you've been saying George Clooney's nipples in this mall all day.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

I've been thinking it.

[Ken]

You're out of here.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Thinking it.

[Ken]

I've been thinking.

[Sales Associate Lisa]

Kill him.

[Ken]

Hold on.

[Santa/Elves]

Kill him.

[Mall Manager]

Intentions indeed. Neptune. Sa.