Hey Riddle Riddle – UNLOCKED Clue Crew #301: Merry Christmas to Mall and to Mall a Good Night!

Release Date: December 1, 2025
Hosts: Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, John Patrick Coan
Theme: Improvised holiday mall hijinks, sketches, and the absurdist chaos of last-minute Christmas shopping.

Episode Overview

In this riotous holiday special, the Hey Riddle Riddle crew brings listeners to the chaotic, alternate-universe Milwaukee Greater Mall just before Christmas. Instead of straightforward riddles, the episode unfolds through intertwining scenes of improvised characters: frazzled mall employees, dysfunctional couples, weird Santas, and desperate shoppers. The hosts bounce between locations—Victoria’s Secret, Macy’s perfume counter, Santa’s Village, Sbarro, GameStop, LEGO lines—creating a tapestry of escalating, darkly funny Christmas chaos. The whole episode is less about solving riddles and more about riffing, fast-paced character work, and reveling in the absurdity of mall culture and holiday pressures.

Key Discussion Points & Comic Set Pieces

1. Holiday Shopping Awkwardness at Victoria’s Secret

00:37–04:33

• Ken, a nervous shopper in an $89.99 Ross suit, enters Victoria’s Secret for a last-minute gift.
• Hilarity as the sales associate insists he’s shopping for himself ("Private. Anonymous." – 02:24), leading to a running joke about buying lingerie for oneself.
• A “pervert” (the hosts’ recurring mall weirdo character) keeps interfering, with the Mall Manager lamenting their inability to hire anyone decent:
  • Quote: “That man was very helpful. What is it that he does? Maybe just...give him a shot.” (03:27, Ken)
  • CEO/Undercover Boss/Secret Shopper confusion (04:11–04:19).

Memorable Moment:

• Mall Weirdness: The pervert’s fate is debated as Ken—convinced he's now the CEO—initiates a fake “Secret Shopper” scenario, perfectly lampooning retail paranoia.

2. Macy’s Perfume Counter: Ineptitude vs. Sales Triumph

04:57–12:09

• Ken and Lisa, polar-opposite perfume sales associates: Lisa excels, Ken fails spectacularly.
• Mall Manager instructs: “Make sure you’re not spraying in their ears, mouth, eyes, any sort of hole or orifice.” (05:00)
• Roleplay training devolves rapidly:
  • Ken: Attempts to sell perfume from the bathroom, citing “I feel like I can be myself in there.” (11:12)
  • Lisa (exasperated): “The fact that we have to give a job to the dumbest son of Charles Macy. This guy’s an idiot.” (11:38)
• Running gags: Ken eating a several-days-old Subway tuna sandwich and googling words like “idiot.”

Memorable Moment:

• Ken’s confusion about consent:
  • “Whisper consent into their ears.” (05:57)

3. Santa’s Village: Doubling Santas and Dismayed Kids

12:09–19:14

• Children (all played by the hosts) confront two bickering Santas in mismatched, shared costumes.
  • Santa’s retort about “Prestige” (14:44) when asked how two Santas can exist: “I’m six.” (Ken)
• Parents and children suspiciously dissect Santa’s relationship status and vices (“Why were there two Santas fighting at the casino?”)
• Dark, hilarious explanation for mall Santa’s drinking:
  • Santa: “Maybe...the pain of everyday life is so severe that the only way to get through it is to dull your mind and your senses daily..." (18:16)

Memorable Moment:

• Santa tells Kimberly (kid): “You should run away from home. Your dad sucks.” (16:37)

4. Food Court Feuds – Christmas Pizza & Domestic Drama

19:18–25:01

• Sbarro only serves “Christmas pizza” (red and green, actually "shredded lettuce" on pizza, hot), inciting disgust.
• Domestic spat about "hand stuff" as cheating after infidelity, peppered with rapid-fire logic debates about pizza bites, crust, and refunds.
  • Quote: “Hand stuff, as a grownup, sort of goes out the window.” (22:14)
  • Running argument: What exactly constitutes “cheating” (21:22–24:00).

5. Kiosk Mayhem – Aggressive Sales and Kitsch Galore

41:00–45:10

• Ken attempts to walk through the mall, harassed by a gauntlet of kiosk workers hawking everything from Post Malone/Utah Jazz t-shirts ($120) to GoPro condoms and edible soap.
• Surreal escalation:
  • “Lay down for this kiosk massage where everyone passing by can see you and it’ll both hurt like hell and feel like nothing at the same time.” (43:49)

6. GameStop Trade-in Debacle

31:32–35:33

• After trading in 46 games worth (allegedly) $400, Ken is offered just $8 in store credit.
  • Quote (sarcastic lawyer): “Do you think it’s fair to bring in, I don’t know, something like $400 worth of video games… and be handed $8 back? …He should be put to death for his crimes.” (33:33)
• Ridiculous escalation to a mock trial inside the store.

7. Christmas Sweaters and Grandma the Devil

35:58–40:31

• Cameron, a child, rebels against a forced tradition of wearing an itchy sweater for his monstrous, possibly demonic grandmother.
  • “Every Christmas is her last Christmas, mom. She’s the devil!” (36:41)
• Philosophical, existential exchange about Ben Affleck vs. Christian Bale as Batman, hiding family dysfunction under holiday traditions.

8. LEGO Line: Nude Frasier Set and Sad Songs

45:10–50:27

• Riot breaks out for a limited-edition LEGO set (“Lego’s first ever nudity porno set”...Frasier-themed).
• Line order is assigned randomly; suspicion about staff’s “biases” runs rampant.
• Each shopper sings a sad song to justify getting to the front:
  • Tom: “I’ve never had sex and I need this bad… Need these Legos.” (48:31)

9. Holiday Parking & Final Mall Showdown

50:26–53:00

• The mall parking lot is a warzone: drivers argue over claimed spaces, puppets mistaken for children, and a pair plotting to pee in the mall wishing well to swap bodies (“Freaky Friday”–style).
  • “Let’s leave both cars here, walk to the wishing well fountain in the mall, start to pee into it, get hit by lightning. Switch places. Have sex.” (52:23)

10. Mall Closes: News Report Wrap-Up

53:05–57:00

• “Two local weirdos found dead in a fountain…” News crews interview desperate shoppers and mall staff, rounding off with a failed pickup artist who visits malls at Christmas for “desperate” hookups.
  • Quote: “I’m a pickup artist who likes to come to the mall on Christmas so I can try to sleep with those people, sexually speaking.” (55:22)

Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• Ken’s Defensive Logic at Victoria’s Secret:
  “A man with no wedding ring and a $3,000 suit comes into a Victoria Secret five days before Christmas. I'm obviously picking out stuff for me to wear.” (02:46)
• Ken’s eternal struggle:
  “I'm writing down all the words, but I don't, like, have the formal definitions of the words in front of me, so I'm, like, looking up all the words later, and then I'm, like, trying to, like, put them into my notes, but I'm, like, Not getting every even word.” (05:34)
• Mall Santa, on why there are two Santas:
  “Have you ever seen the movie Prestige with Christian Bale?”
  “I’m six.” (14:44)
• On "hand stuff" in relationships:
  “Hand stuff, as a grownup, sort of goes out the window. Why do you tell people it's not some sort of heroic feat?” (22:14)
• Kiosk sales struggle:
  “Can I interest you in a GoPro for condoms?” (41:47)
• GameStop Trade-In Mock Trial:
  “He should be put to death for his crimes… to take advantage of a sweet guy that's just trying to get a little bit of cash before Christmas so he can buy his baby… a present.” (33:33)
• Cameron's Christmas dread:
  “She's the devil. …She acts a lot like the devil, Mom.” (36:41)
• LEGO line musical plea:
  “My name is Tom, and I've never had sex and I need this bad… I need these Legos.” (48:31)
• Holiday parking madness and existential challenge:
  “Let’s leave both cars here, walk to the wishing well fountain in the mall, start to pee into it, get hit by lightning. Switch places, have sex. See what it's like to have sex with ourselves from a different angle.” (52:36)
• News crew wrap-up:
  “I'm a pickup artist who likes to come to the mall on Christmas so I can try to sleep with those people, sexually speaking.” (55:22)

Overall Tone & Style

The episode is a relentless, quick-talking, layered improvisational farce. Every scene is brimming with meta jokes, character callbacks, surreal mall commentary, and a darkly funny undercurrent about dysfunctional holiday rituals and late-capitalist malaise. The language is colloquial, irreverent, and often delightfully unhinged.

For New Listeners

Even with zero context or familiarity with Hey Riddle Riddle's usual format, this episode is a wild comedy sketch ride through the mall at Christmas. Expect little in the way of actual riddles, and much in the way of bizarre twists, lovable losers, and rapid-fire bits that lampoon everything from mall Santas to retail hell, dysfunctional families, and the pain of awkward Christmas traditions.

Highlight Segments & Timestamps:

• Victoria’s Secret confusion (00:37–04:33)
• Perfume counter meltdown (05:22–12:09)
• Santa’s Village double act (12:09–19:14)
• Sbarro/cheating debate (19:43–25:06)
• Kiosk gauntlet (41:00–45:10)
• GameStop trade-in trial (31:32–35:33)
• Grim Christmas sweater drama (35:58–40:31)
• LEGO line musical contest (45:10–50:27)
• Holiday parking Freaky Friday (50:26–53:00)
• Mall wrap-up news report (53:05–57:00)

Hey Riddle Riddle’s Christmas mall special is the audio equivalent of being lost in a mall on Christmas Eve with only weirdos, perverts, and emotionally fraught relatives for company—and laughing the whole way.