489: Parenting (w/ Stephanie Drake and Arthur Meyer)

Summary

Podcast Summary: High and Mighty – Episode 489: Parenting (w/ Stephanie Drake and Arthur Meyer)

Release Date: October 24, 2024
Guests: Stephanie Drake & Arthur Meyer

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Introduction

In Episode 489 of High and Mighty, host Johnny Gabris delves into the multifaceted world of parenting with special guests Stephanie Drake and Arthur Meyer. The conversation traverses the complexities of choosing to be an uncle over a parent, the transformative journey of motherhood, disciplinary approaches, the influence of sports and hobbies on children, and the humorous yet insightful creation of the ABC Parenting podcast.

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1. Being an Uncle vs. Being a Parent

Johnny opens the discussion by exploring his contentment with being an uncle rather than a parent. He shares, “Becoming an uncle was revelatory in my decision to not have kids” (03:08). Johnny appreciates the role of an uncle as a supportive figure without the full responsibilities that come with parenthood. Arthur adds, “You kind of can't really fuck up the uncle, nephew, niece relationship. There's no such thing as an absent uncle” (04:00), highlighting the positive impact uncles can have without overstepping boundaries.

2. Stephanie Drake’s Journey into Motherhood

Stephanie candidly discusses her transition into motherhood, admitting, “I was way more fun before I had a kid. Way nicer. Way nicer” (05:44). She reflects on the compromises made to accommodate her husband’s desire for children and acknowledges the challenges that come with parenthood, which sometimes make her feel “not so great” (05:44).

3. Transformative Effects of Parenting on Personality

The conversation shifts to how parenting alters one’s personality and behaviors. Johnny compares the hectic nature of parenting to being on a deadline: “They are having... it feels like being on a deadline” (06:27). Arthur shares personal changes, noting, “I feel like the side of me I didn’t know was there is now popping up” (07:42), illustrating how parenting can unearth new facets of one’s personality.

4. Discipline and Managing Children’s Behavior

Johnny and Arthur delve into disciplinary strategies, discussing the balance between setting boundaries and maintaining a positive relationship with children. Johnny muses, “I could see in the kid's face that they are like, I’m like, dude, you are not” (25:03), emphasizing the importance of guiding children without harsh punishments. Stephanie adds, “We try not to make a big deal about it, and hopefully that prevents them from saying it again” (28:27), advocating for a measured approach to correcting behavior.

5. The Influence of Sports and Hobbies on Children

The guests explore the role of sports and extracurricular activities in child development. Johnny shares his own experiences with various sports, stating, “I played every sport organized as a kid at least one season” (51:24). Stephanie discusses her son’s involvement in gymnastics, highlighting its benefits for proprioception and physical coordination: “They do trampoline, they go on balance beams, they do little obstacle courses” (41:46).

6. ABC Parenting Podcast – Satirical Parenting Advice

Arthur and Stephanie introduce their joint project, the ABC Parenting podcast, which offers intentionally terrible parenting advice to provide humor and a respite from the overwhelming nature of conventional parenting tips. Arthur explains, “None of them [parenting channels] are funny at all. So I was like, oh, I should do one of these” (71:37). The podcast features satirical topics such as “how to fart your baby” and “at what age can your child start drinking espresso,” aiming to entertain parents through absurdity while subtly critiquing the often unrealistic advice found online.

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Notable Quotes

• Johnny Gabris: “Being an uncle was revelatory in my decision to not have kids.” (03:08)

• Stephanie Drake: “I was way more fun before I had a kid. Way nicer. Way nicer.” (05:44)

• Arthur Meyer: “You kind of can't really fuck up the uncle, nephew, niece relationship. There's no such thing as an absent uncle.” (04:00)

• Johnny Gabris: “They are having... it feels like being on a deadline.” (06:27)

• Stephanie Drake: “We try not to make a big deal about it, and hopefully that prevents them from saying it again.” (28:27)

• Arthur Meyer: “I feel like the side of me I didn’t know was there is now popping up.” (07:42)

• Arthur Meyer: “None of them are funny at all. So I was like, oh, I should do one of these.” (71:37)

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Conclusions and Insights

Episode 489 of High and Mighty offers a blend of humor and heartfelt discussion on the realities of parenting. The guests highlight the nuanced decisions between embracing familial roles like being an uncle and the profound changes that parenting brings to one’s identity and behavior. Through sharing personal anecdotes and introducing their satirical podcast, Arthur and Stephanie provide listeners with both relatable experiences and a comedic take on the parenting landscape. The episode underscores the importance of balance, understanding, and humor in navigating the challenges of raising children.

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Notable Timestamps:

• 03:08: Johnny discusses choosing to be an uncle.
• 04:00: Arthur elaborates on the uncle-nephew relationship.
• 05:44: Stephanie reflects on pre-parenthood personality.
• 06:27: Johnny compares parenting to being on a deadline.
• 07:42: Arthur talks about new facets of his personality post-parenting.
• 25:03: Johnny on managing kids' behavior.
• 28:27: Stephanie on non-punitive discipline.
• 41:46: Stephanie on her son's gymnastics activities.
• 51:24: Johnny shares his sports participation as a child.
• 71:37: Arthur introduces the ABC Parenting podcast.

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Note: This summary excludes advertisement segments and focuses solely on the substantive discussions related to parenting, as per the provided transcript and user instructions.

<a name="timestamp-0308"></a> Timestamp Guide:

• 03:08: Johnny discusses being an uncle.
• 04:00: Arthur on the uncle relationship.
• 05:44: Stephanie’s pre-parenthood musings.
• 06:27: Johnny likens parenting to deadlines.
• 07:42: Arthur's personality changes from parenting.
• 25:03: Johnny on disciplining children.
• 28:27: Stephanie on handling kids’ swearing.
• 41:46: Stephanie on son’s gymnastics.
• 51:24: Johnny on childhood sports.
• 71:37: Arthur on creating ABC Parenting podcast.

Transcript

[Johnny Gabris]

This is a headgum podcast. What's up, shitheads? Welcome back to another episode of High and Mighty. It's me a boy. The number one fuckboy, Johnny G. From the south shore of Nassau county, long Island, standing 6 foot 2, 309 pounds. He went camping last night, folks. That means he ate a lot and was is hesitant to shit in the porta potty, so he's carrying a few extra LBs. It's John Gabriel, so all you gotta do is trust me. Jackson Main from A Star Is Born. Abortion is healthcare. Jesus Christ. Thank you. At least that is relevant. But you are not relevant. Stop appearing in the intro. Hey, you keep bringing up your dead dog too. Hey, not cool, man. Also joining me in the high money studio is my nearly silent co host, Arthur Gabris. Arthur is a dog that passed away a month and a half ago, and he is always gonna be. And you know what? He's guaranteed to be silent. He's no longer nearly silent. He's definite silent. He's speaking to me right now and he's saying, get to your fucking guests, man. Joining me in the high and mighty studios virtually from the ABC Zombie Hunting is Arthur Meyer and Stephanie Drake.

[Arthur Meyer]

Thank you. That was incredible.

[Stephanie Drake]

Hi.

[Johnny Gabris]

Hello. My medical handler needs to come in now and administer oxygen and, like, shoot me up with epinephrine or whatever, but I am so ecstatic to be done with that fam. Ah, here we are.

[Arthur Meyer]

Wait, did you find a. You eventually took that shit, right? The one that you had to take?

[Johnny Gabris]

Oh, yeah, I eventually took it. You know, I guess technically post weight post that I'm probably. I'm probably back down, but, you know, I made sausage and peppers in the skillet over the fire. It was a real fucking. I was a real. A chicken. Sausage and peppers. Okay. Dr. Chuku. Mindy. I'm not going to quote my actual doctor's name. My actual cardiologist.

[Arthur Meyer]

Sorry, you don't want to give him a promo?

[Johnny Gabris]

Yeah, I don't know if I should give him a shout out or he'll get, like, canceled because I'm his cardiology patient. Like, what the fuck did you do to this guy? He's on podcasts talking about fucking gaining weight with Jackson, Maine. Enough about me. Y'all are parents. Well, which is Stephanie? I don't know you well beyond, like, the. Oh, I recognize you from this. But Arthur, I've known for a long time, and I don't. Don't take this the wrong way. I'm having a hard time pressing the Arthur I know from when I was 28. To Arthur. That is a dad.

[Arthur Meyer]

Yes. I, too, am having a hard time doing that. I feel like a child raising a child. And I was like. Because it's been a while since you and I spoke, and I was like, I wonder if Gabrius is a dad. But I felt very certain that you most likely were not. Right.

[Johnny Gabris]

No, no, no. I cannot figure that. The vagina. I am in over my head over here.

[Stephanie Drake]

Your wife can help you with that.

[Johnny Gabris]

Oh, yeah, you'd think so. Okay.

[Arthur Meyer]

Are you an uncle?

[Johnny Gabris]

I am an uncle. And I'll tell you what. Becoming an uncle was revelatory in my decision to not have kids.

[Arthur Meyer]

Can you elaborate?

[Johnny Gabris]

I am honored to be an uncle, and it feels like the perfect role for me. I'm the uncle to my wife's side of the family, my side of the family, boys and girls and who knows what else they'll be when they grow up. But I am so stoked to be an uncle. It's like having a roommate with a dog. It's, like, amazing. But you don't have to go to the vet. You know what I mean?

[Arthur Meyer]

You kind of can't really fuck up the uncle, nephew, niece relationship. There's no such thing as an absent uncle. In order to be a bad uncle, you have to, like, actively be doing mean things to the nephew or niece. Like, if you're just there, you're already doing a great job.

[Johnny Gabris]

Already doing more than a lot. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And, like, based on how my uncles and aunts are, like, you know, kind of disassembling the fabric of American society just with their points of view and how they. How they talk, they. You know, I'm not that either, so I'm already, like, a better uncle than that.

[Arthur Meyer]

Are you?

[Stephanie Drake]

Not to bring things down, but I do have an absent uncle.

[Arthur Meyer]

Oh, you do?

[Stephanie Drake]

I do.

[Arthur Meyer]

But was it.

[Stephanie Drake]

We don't need to talk about it. I'm just saying it does happen. It does happen.

[Arthur Meyer]

But what does that mean? It's like you, like, you reached out to the uncle, or the uncle just hasn't been around for your whole life or something.

[Stephanie Drake]

He was around, and then he stopped being around. It's a long story. Oh, it does happen.

[Johnny Gabris]

That makes sense, because I think what. I guess what Arthur's brain probably was going to was, like, the idea of, like, you know, I'm a deadbeat uncle. I never see my nephew. And, like, I had uncles like, that. It, like, you know, from, like, college, I saw my uncles, maybe, you know, some of them, like, once a Year or something like that. It just. It happens that way. It's not like I'm fate. I'm FaceTiming my nephews and, like, talking to them. I don't. Like, I. If I had to call my uncle when I was like eight, it's like, uncle so and so's on the phone. You'd be like, what the. But being part of your life and then no longer. I know we have no follow up Stephanie. None. I am not absolutely rapidly curious about the family drama, but what were. Stephanie, what were you like before becoming a parent? Did you find a change? Did you take to it easily? Were you like, are. Do you have peers that are like, I can't believe Ol SD has a kid. She was what? You know, like, what's your story like with that?

[Stephanie Drake]

Well, I was way more fun before I had a kid. Way nicer. Way nicer. Much more patient. I never wanted kids. I never wanted kids. I thought they were soul crushers. And I never saw myself being a mom, oddly enough. But my husband wanted kids and I was like, okay, I guess we'll have one. That was our compromise that we'd have one. And yeah, I mean, I've become a not so great version of myself at times. It's just one of those things that happens as a mom.

[Johnny Gabris]

You know how, like, not to equate it all to entertainment, but like, when someone's on a deadline or it's like the end of the day and you're like, it's totally okay. It's like they're on a deadline. Like, that behavior that they're showing is like, it is a time crunch. Like, the director is jammed right now. Like, that's how it feels like being a parent, where you're like, cut on some slack. They are having. They had a baby and it's like, yeah, let them just be fucking harried. Like, they have two different shoes on at the supermarket or whatever. It's like just being a pet going on vacation. Like, there was a. I used to go to New Year's Eve with the same group of people. Former guest of the podcast, Justin Tyler, mutual friend between Arthur and I, his wife and another couple. And I remember the. We used to go away every New Year's. Cause we lived on the west coast, live on the east coast. And then on the first one with kids, and I was like, my. On. On, like, the flight back, me and my wife were like, things have changed. Like. Like, this has fundamentally changed our dynamic. Like, we need, like, now that the kids are like five and six, the dynamic has, like, shifted back to, like, we can hang out now a little bit.

[Arthur Meyer]

Yes.

[Johnny Gabris]

But for a while, it was like, y'all are on your. Like, I don't even. Like, I don't want to pay to share an Airbnb with these fucking screaming little freaks.

[Arthur Meyer]

No. It's insane. They bring out, like, all kinds of sides of you that you didn't know were there. Like, the side of me, like, the other day, I got angry about something and I yelled, God bless it. Which I've never said before in my life, but I was like, God bless it. I'm like, why am I saying this? Oh, I didn't know that was in me.

[Johnny Gabris]

Do you. Do you have any behaviors that aren't actually, like, parenting behavior, parental behaviors, but are classic mom or dad behavior that you never had before but now, like, you understand the stereotype, you know what I mean, of, like, do you, like, exhale really hard with your hand on your lower back when you stand up and stuff like that? Like, what do you do now that you're like, I can't. Cause, I mean, I don't even have kids. But I've taken on in my old age some of my, like, mom and dad's traits that we used to roast. And I have, like, old man traits where I'm like, you know, like, I stand a certain way. Like. But I'm just curious if anything has happened to you guys that are like, this is like, I sound like such a fucking dad right now or sound like such a fucking mom.

[Arthur Meyer]

I mean, it's always so hard to tell whether it's just getting older or whether it's a parent thing. But, like, I was at a wedding a couple months ago, and I was on the dance floor for, like, all of 10 minutes and just doing that thing where I'm, like, stepping back and forth and snapping and stuff. Whereas I used to be, like, the first one on the dance floor and would stay there for, like, two hours because I'm like, this is the best. But now, like, every two years, and I don't know, maybe you have this, too. I get, like, a new physical thing that pops up, like plantar fasciitis or, like, a lipoma, which is a benign collection of fatty tissue that's, you know, it's harmless. Do you have that lipoma, Stephanie?

[Johnny Gabris]

My.

[Stephanie Drake]

My Jason. My husband had one removed a couple months ago.

[Arthur Meyer]

Yeah, you could get him removed, but you don't need to. So I just have one.

[Stephanie Drake]

Yeah, you don't need to. His was getting so Big, though. It was like. It's kind of gross.

[Arthur Meyer]

It was gross.

[Johnny Gabris]

You could get them removed, but you don't legally have to. So I got a few that I'm holding on to. Come and take pride for my cold, dead hands, Doc. No, literally, my hands are numb and they're all over my hands.

[Stephanie Drake]

I yell a lot more. I mean, I feel like I was like so sweet and nice before I had a kid.

[Johnny Gabris]

That's the vibe you're putting out now. Just for the record. Let the record stand.

[Stephanie Drake]

I mean, I guess I'm nice. I guess I'm still nice to other people. I'm just not maybe so nice to my kid.

[Arthur Meyer]

You're my child.

[Johnny Gabris]

Well, it's just because you wore down like that the few layers of defense that one would have where you show up at someone else's house and you're like, oh, what is that, a dinosaur? Oh, a dinosaur. Like, oh, a dinosaur. And then. But if it's your kid and it's 4:00pm, you're like, it's a fucking. I know it's a dinosaur. It's technical. It's. It's a fucking pterodactyl. Okay, just put it down. I'm so happy for you.

[Arthur Meyer]

We all know it's a fucking dinosaur.

[Johnny Gabris]

Being around way more kids now, now that I'm in my 40s and my Hollywood elite friends finally have three year olds, unlike every single person I went to high school with who has high school kids and college kids right now.

[Arthur Meyer]

Really?

[Johnny Gabris]

Do a lot of them have like 16 year olds and 20?

[Arthur Meyer]

Do you know any of those kids?

[Johnny Gabris]

No, not well. Not well. Yeah.

[Arthur Meyer]

Where are you from again? Long. Long Island.

[Johnny Gabris]

Long Island. Yeah. I don't have a lot of those friends still. And the friends I stayed with were kids who moved to New York City, which seems to just like push back. Wanting to have kids, like four years.

[Arthur Meyer]

Yes.

[Johnny Gabris]

Like, for some reason there's something about city life where you're like, oh, the subway. I can't fucking do that with a kid. Or like, no, come on. It's like we got dollar beers on Tuesday nights till midnight. We can't do it. And then eventually you're like, what are we doing? We can have a fucking kid. Like, I'm 36 or whatever, you know, like, we can't keep, we can't keep partying. Like there's a part of your brain that goes like, well, having a kid can't be as crazy as this life I'm currently. Like, how much harder can it be? Like, and then you Then you are fucking. We were talking about this earlier. Is that, like, a friend of mine was like, people lie to you. People fucking lie to you to get you into the cult. Like, friends with kids will tell you, like, please cakewalk. We had twins. You're lucky. Bang them two out at once. And then anyone else is like, I almost killed myself every single day that I had twins or whatever. Like, you just know. Like, you just want someone else to be like, can you have a kid, too? So we can have, like, watch football on some days with kids? So you go like, it's the best. And then you, like, when you are at a. My. A great default dad thing is to be at a bachelor party with, like, four dads away from their kids for, like, the first weekend. You know what I mean? And it's like, no one's mean, but you're like, oh, it's not as fucking charming as it seems on Instagram, you guys seem. Some of them were like, I'm just gonna go to the room and sleep for 12 hours. No one wake me up. I will miss dinner. I will miss gambling. I just need to fucking sleep.

[Arthur Meyer]

Yes. That is all completely true. You just. You just. And I. It's like you. You. I dream about those times when I'll have, like, a weekend where I just go away and hang out with my friends. And then when I'm actually there in the moment. Yeah, we get tired at the same hour that we get tired now, which is an earlier hour. When I was doing comedy in New York and like, my 20s and stuff, I would go to bed at, like, 3 or 4 in the morning like, every night.

[Johnny Gabris]

I would do shows that started at 11pm, go up last and then go out and eat after. Like, I would, like. I would have, like. I would have, like, six drinks and a meal at 1:45am and then be like, all right, time to head home. It's a Wednesday after all, and we lost cage match or whatever. Yeah.

[Arthur Meyer]

John, do you like, most of the. Your friends, kids, like, what percent of them would you say you like, just in terms of just personality?

[Johnny Gabris]

Oh, you know, and I think I might be spoiled in this and not to go. Like, a lot of my friends are, you know, interesting people married to other interesting people, so their kids are, like, baseline kind of interesting and would probably make like, you're like a conservative talk show host, go apeshit or something. Like, you know, like. Yeah, we. We don't actually hug her. We. She has to ask for hugs, you know, and, like, it's totally like, it's all stuff that makes sense. And it's like, totally. Oh, yeah, okay. But it is. But, like, so the kids are baseline interesting, so I at least like them. And then, you know, half of them have, like, you know, help and all that. So, like, right. 80 of the kids are charming as, like, on their own. And then, like, you can fake it for a little while, like, with the. With the level of. You know, like, when someone has, like. It's so mean to keep comparing kids to animals, but, like, when someone has, like, an annoying dog and you're at their house and you're not, like, mad at the dog, but when you leave, you're like, thank fucking God. That dog was, like, jumping on me the whole time. It didn't bother you in the moment. But then when you leave, you're like, that was like, picking at a part of my brain. Like, sometimes a kid will be like, he was banging those sticks really fucking loud, right? Like, all of a sudden you're like, yeah. Did they just let him. And then you realize, like, your friends don't hear things the same way you do anymore. It's just like, I'm, like, talking over their kid hitting a spatul against a garbage can. And I'm like, where do you want me to put the white wine? They're like, ah, put it wherever. And the kids, like, clank, clank. And I'm. And I'm like, I'm bugging out. And, like, I can only hear that. And like, that, my friend, is just. It is not even registering in their, like, audio spectrum that that noise has happened. Like, they've learned to not hear that. Do you find it.

[Arthur Meyer]

It's insane. It's insane. When I. When I was a kid, I used to just snap, clap and whistle stomping around the house totally arrhythmically, just because I. I learned to do, you know, I learned to whistle. So I'm just like. And my dad. My dad just goes, will you stop that? And I was like, oh, my God, I'm. I'm so sorry. And then, like, a couple minutes later, I just started doing it again. Like, I didn't even notice. And he goes, will you please stop that?

[Stephanie Drake]

Kids are so annoying.

[Arthur Meyer]

They're so annoying. They're so annoy.

[Johnny Gabris]

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So go to NordVPN.com mighty that's n o r d v p n dot com m I g h t y NordVPN.com mighty I've gone on vacation with my nephews a few times. And that's probably as, like, intense of a time as you can have. Because in my head, being a parent is like, it's really hard to travel on vacation. But once you're on vacation, kids love the pool or the beach. And then it's like you go there with them and you're like, oh, my God, no. It's like, the flight is brutal and getting them there. And like, as an uncle, you're like, I'll meet you at the airport, you know, and it's like. But then you get to a vacation. They're like, now I want to do. And it's like every dinner is like, you can't talk. Like, you can only talk about, like, what the kids will, like, allow to happen. And not like, don't curse. It's just like, no answer. Joey's like, 28 unbroken questions about butter knives, you know, and you're like, all right, brother. And it's like, you're on vacation. I haven't seen my family in like, you know, a full year. And my fucking five year old nephew just runs every dinner with like, whatever he wants to talk about. Clang, clang, bang. Crying as soon as he's done eating. And there's like, he has to sit still for another 10 minutes. Just like, you're like, holy. And then I'm from the generation where we weren't allowed to do that. But I'm also from the generation that has a very complicated relationship with their parents. Cause they were borderline abusive. So you're like, you're kind of like, I would smack this kid. Tell them to shut the fuck up. But I also know that broke me. And so you're just sitting there and you're like, okay, it's like, time to put all our silverware in my water cup. And like, that's what we're doing, you know, this is good.

[Arthur Meyer]

This is good that you're putting the silverware in the water cup.

[Johnny Gabris]

Thank you. Thank you. Don't worry.

[Arthur Meyer]

Good for. Thank you. So smart. Did you get. Did you get spanked as a kid, Gabriel?

[Johnny Gabris]

Yeah, I was just talking about this the other day with someone. Not like, it's time for Your spanking, you know, like, I'm coming after school today. You will get spanked. But it was sort of like a heat of the moment. Let me break up whatever shenanigans these. I was. I'm one of who. Who's.

[Arthur Meyer]

Who's doing. Who was doing scheduled spankings. That was the first one you brought. What was that? A thing? Like, you feel like I'm pulling.

[Johnny Gabris]

I'm pulling that. Maybe I'm pulling that from, like, when your father gets home, he's gonna. You're like, right, right, right. Like, I was never given, like, delayed punishments that fit. That were. That were physical. Like, it wasn't like, Like, I. I heard you act. But if in the moment my dad needed to, like, I mean, I guess in. In hindsight, if I'm being kind to him, it's like his version of squirting water. Like, at a cat. It'll be like, this will just break up whatever they're doing. But it was walking in and hitting. Hitting a kid. Or between one and three kids, depending on who's making the noise and who's crying.

[Arthur Meyer]

What's. What's the idea of the spanking, though? Because it's like, obviously. Is it basically just a way to hit without hitting the face? Because, like, is it just like, why the ass? You know?

[Johnny Gabris]

Well, because I guess it is. Like, it's not going to hurt too bad. I mean, I think it comes from. It's not going to be a place where the teacher or your coworker will see bruises or whatever, unfortunately. But I do think it is kind of like you can spank them on the butt over, like, hey, I am not a parent. I disagree with this totally. The light version that happened in my house has fucked me up for life. So I think I can knock it off people. But I do think people are like, ah, you got to slap them on the ass. Like, you know, some people are, like, rough with dogs, too. And you're like, I don't think you have to do that.

[Stephanie Drake]

Yeah, well, now we've gone, like, way to the other extreme where we don't punish our children at all and they get away with everything.

[Johnny Gabris]

That was something that stood out to me. And that's kind of like anecdotally across, like, just in case anyone in my family's listening, even across friend groups and stuff. It's sort of like you rarely see kids get in trouble and, you know, like. Like, I'll even say, like, I never, like, want to get my nephews or nieces in trouble, but if they do something that is like, potentially dangerous, I'm always like, hey, when you're walking on this side of the. You have to pay, you know, Like, I'll do something like that. That is kind of like not really trouble. But I could see it in the kid's face that they are like, I'm like, dude, you are not. I'm just telling you. And all of a sudden it's like Uncle Nanny said. And I'm like, what the fuck, man? I was telling you to watch out for trucks. Like you. I am a grown up. Like, have to understand. I've been on. I've been in these streets like a little longer than you have, dude.

[Arthur Meyer]

It's so funny when I let them roam.

[Stephanie Drake]

Let them roam. They'll learn.

[Johnny Gabris]

They have to learn themselves. We just have to bury them at the pet cemetery after they get hit by the truck. And then they come back and then they learn.

[Arthur Meyer]

I feel like my whole childhood was spent in fear of getting in trouble. And now that I'm a parent. Yeah, right. Like, that was. Every waking moment was just like, how am I.

[Johnny Gabris]

It guided. It guided 85% of my actions. Like, I'd be in school and be like, I don't know if I could do that. I'll probably get in trouble.

[Arthur Meyer]

Yeah.

[Johnny Gabris]

Teacher will catch me. It'll get back to my parents, and then I get in trouble from them. And that is literally the worst possible thing that can happen. Yeah.

[Arthur Meyer]

And now that I'm. Now that I'm a parent, it feels so strange. The idea of getting someone in trouble, like, it's so contrary to my nature.

[Johnny Gabris]

Sit there.

[Arthur Meyer]

Yes. Dan Klein and I have talked about, We've talked about like, imagine it's like your first day as a police officer and you're like making your first arrest. Like, how awkward. How weird. You're just like, you're under arrest now.

[Johnny Gabris]

And they're like, what?

[Arthur Meyer]

And you're like, sorry, nevermind. That's weird.

[Johnny Gabris]

Well, that is, that is something I think about when I see it. Like other parents, like, like, I'm like, how do you stay mad at him? He's being so charmed. Like he's accidentally being so cute or charming. And you're like, I know, but, like, he has to learn. But Jesus Christ, look at. It is funny when he says suck my dick. You. Like, we got like, it is funny. Like, but we have to tell him it's bad. Like, he has to learn it's bad asap. I, if I was a parent, I would accidentally, like, you know, Check off and like. Or validate the worst behaviors. Because shit would make me laugh so much. That would just be like, you're gonna do that again to make dad laugh, aren't you? Like, that would be. My biggest fear is, like, laughing when my kid just does something that's kind of bad or edgy. And then they're at school doing that shit and they're like. Like, hey, who let him watch Scent of a Woman? You know?

[Arthur Meyer]

I mean, the other couple weeks ago, I, like, I dropped something and I guess I said, God damn it. And my son, who's 2, Theo, he heard that. And then maybe like a week later, he dropped something and he goes, God damn it. And it's so funny to hear 2 year olds say God damn it when they drop something that I just kind of let that one slide because I'm just like, well, I don't know. It's better for the world for this to be a funny moment that is not penalized.

[Johnny Gabris]

Right, right, right.

[Stephanie Drake]

Yeah. I mean, we try not to make a big deal about it, and hopefully that prevents them from saying it again. But it's really hard not to laugh.

[Johnny Gabris]

When they curse or say something that's kind of like over the top and weird or something, you know, like you're like, oh, Jesus.

[Arthur Meyer]

Has he used swear words yet, Stephanie?

[Stephanie Drake]

Yeah, we went bowling a couple weeks ago, and he didn't get as many pins down, I guess, as he wanted to. He walked back and just looked at me and went, damn it. And I was like.

[Arthur Meyer]

It'S so. It's as startling to hear that as, like, the first time you're in school and the first teacher you ever hear swear. It's just that startling.

[Johnny Gabris]

It feels that. It's like the context is just mind blowing that occurs. Yeah, you're not allowed to. You're not allowed to say that. Like, holy. What are you thinking? That's so. That's so fun. My favorite one of these is my friend Amy told me when she got in her car once, her niece was in the car seat in the middle and went, hey, did you forget your juice? And she put her head in her hands and went, oh, shit. Just like that. She was like 4. And she just went, oh, shit. Like, like an old construction worker. And she's like, you sat like. And my friend Amy, who is the aunt, was like. It sounded so much like my sister that I knew she learned it from her mom. Like, just like.

[Arthur Meyer]

That's so funny. It's such an adult react. Like, it's the way you react when you hear that, you're like, good cholesterol is low or something, right?

[Johnny Gabris]

It is only for like, oh no, you got outbid on that house. Like, it is for grown up problems only. Ah.

[Arthur Meyer]

Fuck.

[Johnny Gabris]

All right, the 405 is one lane at this time.

[Arthur Meyer]

That's so funny.

[Johnny Gabris]

My. The last time I went away with my family, my nephew, I was in the pool with my nephews. I'm a lifelong like ocean and pool guy. And my kids, of course, two boys, are of course like obsessed with being in the pool. Me too. So even at 42, they're like, Uncle Nani will go in the pool with you. Don't worry about it. So I'm like always in the pool with these kids. And then.

[Arthur Meyer]

Wait, what do they call you, by the way?

[Johnny Gabris]

They call me Uncle Nani. This is on my side of the family. Because when my youngest cousin was a kid, he couldn't say Johnny. He said Nani. And then it kind of stuck. And then like when they were kids, they were like, oh, that's Uncle Nani. And my brother would always call me Nani as like a bit. And then now it's kind of stuck. And my, my little nephew, my godson, who looks a lot like me and he clearly has like a little of the modern ADHD stuff going on. Cause he's like, he's. He's been told that he can't just interrupt conversations and start. He has to say, excuse me. So he just comes up to you and goes like. He'll be like, arthur, excuse me, guess what? Excuse me, Arthur, guess what? Excuse me, Arthur. Like while you're talk. And just immediately steamrolling, he's like, excuse me, Uncle Nani, guess what? Excuse me, Uncle Nani, guess what? And I'm like, what, dude? And he starts letting it go, like flying 100 miles an hour. But we were in the pool and he was like, I have to pee. And I'm like, pee in the pool, dude. And he was like, what? And I'm like. He's like, mom says we're not allowed. I'm like, you are allowed to pee in the pool. You are not allowed to talk about peeing in the pool.

[Arthur Meyer]

Pool.

[Johnny Gabris]

And him and his brother both looked at me like, wait, what? And I'm like. And I like went around. I'm like, I bet you a bunch of these people in this pool on, on vacation in this hotel are peeing in this pool. But no one can admit to it. No one will talk about it. So as long as we never tell anyone we could pee in the pool. And I'm like, my brother, my nephew goes, I'm gonna pee right now. I'm like, me too. And then my. His little brother, who's even younger is like, I have to go too. I'm like. And I go like, like three amigos making peepos. And I put my hand out. I've never seen them laugh as hard as this in my entire life. So much that six months later, whilst my brother is telling me all they want, they say their favorite part of Puerto Rico is three amigos making people. And I'm like, their favorite part. And so then I come to visit six months later, I show up at my nephew's little league game and the other young one is playing in the sand. And I come over, I'm like, what's up, man? He goes, hey, are we going in grandma's pool? Like immediately? And I'm like, why? He's like, I have to go right now. And I'm like, wait, you have to hold it. You have to hold it. I'm like, we're gonna go. And I'm like, remember we don't talk about it. And my mom, whose grandma goes like, what are you guys talking about? And he looks at her and goes, nothing and smiles. And she's like, oh my God.

[Arthur Meyer]

She's like, you're talking about peeing in the pool, aren't you?

[Johnny Gabris]

With my oldest son. With my 42 year old son, yeah. The two of you guys are planning on pissing in the pool. My pool later. Okay, great.

[Arthur Meyer]

Thank you. I love that. Not only are they talking about peeing in the pool, it sounds like they're like actively seeking out pools that they could pee in.

[Johnny Gabris]

Well, there was a great moment where at my mom's house, my nephew's running to the bathroom. I'm like, hey, where you going? He's like, I have to use the bathroom. Don't worry, I'll save some. And I was like, I was like, just let your whole pee out, man. Like, you don't have to save any for in the pool later with us.

[Arthur Meyer]

Like, that's so funny.

[Stephanie Drake]

You're such a fun uncle.

[Johnny Gabris]

Yeah, that's such an easy thing to be. Like, that is such an easy thing to be.

[Arthur Meyer]

I feel like it just suits you so, so beautifully.

[Johnny Gabris]

You know, I talk about this like a lot because I've accidentally been training for like 20 years to be good at being an uncle. Between obviously improv of just like, yes, that is true. This dumb idea that you have. And I. Ah, yes, I am a human cash register. If that is true, then what else might be true? You know, like, you could fucking do that all day when you're playing with kids. But the other thing I have is like years of partying and being an alcoholic and having conversations with people that are like, you have no idea how to get out of them and they are an absolute fucking nightmare. But you can just go like, yeah, like, you know, you could do that like, disassociation thing where like. Or to bring it back to kids. Like, when you're getting in trouble, you have like the. Or if your. Your spouse is like, on and on, on one about something. And you can like kind of lock into like a neutral flow state, like bringing that energy to with kids where like, you can like get it into almost like neutral on a hill where you're like, they're like, oh. You know, like, ah. And you're. But nothing is like, it's all just washing over you. But they can't tell. Like, y. That skill set is so important to like, they're like, how do you do that for so long? I'm like, I don't even know what the fuck he's talking about the whole time. I can just play, like, I just use context clues. I don't ask any follow ups. I'm just like, yeah, okay, man. Like, I don't have time to, like, dig in on the rules. That. Sorry, I'm all over the place, but that just triggered something. My nephew loves to make up the rules for an imaginary game to the point where you never get to play the game.

[Arthur Meyer]

Yes. Where it's like, the rules, the rules are the point.

[Johnny Gabris]

Well, I get like, actually, I'm 10 guys. And here are my 10 guys. I am Beef King Shark. I am Tiger Man. And he like, rattles off 10 guys. He's like, who are your 10 guys? I'm like, why do I need 10 guys right now? Can't we just have one each and fight? He's like, because all 10 of my guys can beat all 10 of your guys. But I just need to know what order your guys are coming in. I'm like, dude, I am so exhausted. This is like the worst writers room I've ever been part of.

[Arthur Meyer]

Wait now, you were mentioning something. You mentioned, like, Little Leagues before, and I really want to talk about that because I feel like that's a big parenting thing. Can you, as an uncle, like, are you able to coach any little league sports or is that just impossible because you don't have a kid of your Own.

[Johnny Gabris]

I think that would be a little weird. Unless it was like my nephew's team and I had some connection to baseball or something that would be merited. Yeah.

[Arthur Meyer]

When I was in seventh grade, just one year, like, I played, I did basketball. And for just this one season, we had a guy coach our team. He wasn't even an uncle. He wasn't a parent. He was just a man who came in from Chicago to the suburbs of Chicago from his job at a bank. Like, he was like, you know when you go to a bank and there's people in the, like the private rooms, you know?

[Johnny Gabris]

Yeah. The guy who has an office that you're like, I don't think I've seen anyone else go in there.

[Arthur Meyer]

No one ever goes in there. He was that guy. So he would wear a suit. So he would come from his bank job. He looked like a coach. Like he was bald. He had a mustache. I don't know if I'm allowed to say his name, but his name was Doug.

[Stephanie Drake]

Sounds like a coach.

[Arthur Meyer]

Yeah, it totally does. And he would just. He would just coach us like seventh graders. And no one ever really questioned it too much.

[Johnny Gabris]

And whoever was the best got to sleep over his house. That. I'll tell you what, that was one of the crazy. I could write a full standup routine or a fucking pilot, rather, about going to like an upper middle class suburbs little league game. These kids, like the. This is under 8. All of the kids have walk on music. They have like, they have like chains on the outside. They all look like Aaron Judge and like different Yankees. Like, they all have like flat brim hats and neoprene sleeves and shit like that. And like eye black. They have like. And I think because. And I blame, I blame. I don't think anyone's at fault here, but I think that culture has erupted because parents are the art. That generation is the Instagram generation. So the idea of having your kid fully kitted out in a baseball, like, with all the fucking accoutrements and getting that photo is impressive. But also from the kids standpoint, everyone just cosplays as something now where it's like you just pick your identity. I'm like, I'm a baseball influencer. I rock baseball stuff on my TikTok or whatever. So, like, there's this element of like, the kids are like, yeah, I like baseball, but really I like just dressing like a baseball player and hanging out with other kids dressed as. You know what I mean? Like, there's kind of like a vibe element to it all. But when I went, dude, I watched like you could do a time lapse of the garbage can filling up with white claws as like parents are getting like drunk or drunk kids have walk on music and shit like da da da da da da. And they do all the stuff that they. Because you can watch so much shit now. So they, they know like they're doing batting stances of their favorite players and it's like they do all like the grown up stuff like spitting and hitting their cleats. Like they don't even have like the reasoning behind it. They're just like putting on the airs. It's so, it's so fun to watch.

[Arthur Meyer]

That is so funny. I don't think we ever even like, we wouldn't have even had a way to do Walk On Me. Do they play walk on music on just like a speaker that you can just like, like, just like someone's phone is.

[Johnny Gabris]

Yeah. That someone's phone is hooked up to. And then they, someone videotapes the game from behind the home plate and puts it up on a live stream. So parents who are like stuck at work and watch their kids game on the live stream, it's like, wow, it's so funny. It is just so like when I was a kid, it's like my parents didn't even watch games or tournaments. They'd be like, all right, pick you up over here at 4:30. It's like 10am Like I'll see you in six hours. Some parent will be here to make sure you guys like stay alive. Like a coach or something. And now these kids like my, my brother's like at my nephew's practice. Like parents are at their kids practices, not just games and shit. And every coach is like, you got to get, you got to get him a pitching coach. You got to get him private batting tutors. Like everybody's got like private fucking like skill coaches and strength coaches and shit. It's crazy.

[Arthur Meyer]

That is so weird. Is that like an LA thing or do you think that's.

[Johnny Gabris]

I think it's probably an LA thing. It's also a, like, I think it's a Long island thing too, is the reason where I'm coming from it. I think it's a lot of like dads who have the money and we're like, oh man, when. Because I, I know how I feel. Like I wasn't allowed to do a lot of stuff because of money. And it's like, you know, and if I have, if I was a dad, my kid would be like, I want to I want to do. I want to surf. I'd be like, yo, here's a sick wetsuit and surfboard. Like, you'd want to get them good if you could. Right? And I feel like that just like, has created this environment where it's like there's. I'm watching like a team of 8 year olds and there's like $6,000 in baseball equipment on the field.

[Arthur Meyer]

You know, like, that's insane because, like, when I was playing Little League, we. We had the opposite of that. Like, we had. If you were a catcher, you wore the jock strap like you wore the cup. That was like the team's jockstrap.

[Johnny Gabris]

Right, Right. If. Yeah, if not, like the. Both teams shared one catcher's gear.

[Arthur Meyer]

Sometimes that happened.

[Johnny Gabris]

Take it from the other guy and put the mask on. Yeah, that's fucking crazy.

[Arthur Meyer]

It was just completely normal.

[Johnny Gabris]

Stephanie, what about you? Do you see sports or at least hobbies in your kids future? Well, how many kids do you have? What age you have one. That was the compromise.

[Stephanie Drake]

Yeah, just one. And he's three.

[Arthur Meyer]

Yeah.

[Stephanie Drake]

I mean, I think sports is, like, good for kids, like teachers, so hopefully he'll want to do something. We've already tried soccer twice and didn't go over well, but I think he's just too young. But he's currently in gymnastics class.

[Johnny Gabris]

Oh, that's fun.

[Stephanie Drake]

Yeah, and he loves it.

[Arthur Meyer]

What do they do at that age in gymnastics? Do they have the pit filled with the foam? You know, the foam pit? Is that a thing?

[Stephanie Drake]

They do have a foam pit, but they haven't gone in there yet. They do trampoline, they go on balance beams, they do little obstacle courses.

[Johnny Gabris]

They roll around like, it's. That's just so good for, like a kid's proprioception and like, to feel their own body and like running around, like, just playing in a room where everything is soft is probably good for like a kid for like, for one hour. Like a pad. I know that's like, you know, 1950s insane asylum treatment. It's like put them in a padded room for an hour. But now you have to pay like $75 to do it at the DZ at Discovery Zone, where I'm playing beyond my own.

[Stephanie Drake]

But it'll be. It'll be interesting when he does start doing things like that, because I didn't grow up playing any sports.

[Arthur Meyer]

So what did you do? Did you do, like. I did tap dancing? Did you do anything like that?

[Stephanie Drake]

Yeah, I did dance, singing, acting. I tried gymnastics but couldn't figure out how to do A cartwheel. So I quit.

[Arthur Meyer]

I've never known. I've never. It's always. I've never been able to crack the cartwheel.

[Stephanie Drake]

Cartwheels are hard.

[Johnny Gabris]

I think adult gymnastics is in your future, Arthur. I think daddy and me gymnastics classes would be awesome for you and your kid.

[Arthur Meyer]

I'm like, in pain. When I just wake. Just waking up in the morning, I'm in pain. I'm sorry.

[Johnny Gabris]

Maybe lipomas and plantar fasciitis don't pair well with somersaults.

[Arthur Meyer]

No, they don't. Wait, Gabrius, can you do a cartwheel?

[Johnny Gabris]

Yes. But I've always been like, kind of surprisingly agile and flexible and all that stuff. I was a swimmer and I took diving lessons when I was a kid so I could do flips and one and a half. I've lost the bravery to do that. But I still can't.

[Stephanie Drake]

Can.

[Johnny Gabris]

I still can move pretty well. I used to be able to walk on my hands and that was in my like mid-20s. I, I would love to get that back. That was kind of like a fun party trick to be like my size and be able to get like inverted, like, oh, like I'm gonna walk across the living room and then go through like a coffee table or whatever.

[Arthur Meyer]

But when you were doing the, the diving lessons, you would go on like, like you do like the high dive and stuff?

[Johnny Gabris]

No, it was like the, the one meter board, like the three foot one. Like that. Because I was, I was only like, like 13 or maybe even younger because it was at my old. I have, I moved schools when I was like 12. So I can always. It was either from before I was 12 or after I was 12. And this was from before I was 12. Yeah. And I was in taekwondo at the time too. So whenever I would do a, when I was learning to do flips, they give you like a vest to wear so if you land on your back it doesn't hurt. And, or I guess if you get the wind knocked out, if you go unconscious, you float too. But I would do a flip off the dime board and go like, like every time. Like, I would do like the key eye that I learned in taekwondo. And eventually my. Now in hindsight, like, I can like contextualize the moment a little. My, My teacher was like a 68 year old, like fabulous short haired woman, probably a lesbian with like giant Coke bottle glasses and kind of like a chic hippie style in like the 90s. And she was like, honey, you cannot make that noise. And I was like. And now in like, hindsight, like, I realize what that must have been like, but I like, at the time I was like, you got it, Hazel. Like, I'm back out there. I'm gonna make you proud.

[Stephanie Drake]

What sports did you play, Arthur, when you were growing up?

[Arthur Meyer]

Oh, man. I did soccer, I did baseball. I did basketball. I did figure skating for a year.

[Johnny Gabris]

Whoa.

[Arthur Meyer]

I did like a year of gymnastics. And yeah, I did tap dancing for three and a half years, which I don't know if that is. Does that count as a sport?

[Johnny Gabris]

I don't know. I. I don't know if that counts as a sport, but I would put that in this category of stuff.

[Arthur Meyer]

We're talking totally in this category.

[Johnny Gabris]

Yeah. Like, because you just want. You. You want your kid. I'd imagine to you want to give your kid the best crack at whatever. And it's not like you need to play soccer. That would be good for you. It's more like you need to be running around outside with people around your age and, and, and heck, maybe learning the frameworks of a games to try to, to learn how to follow rules the fun way, you know?

[Arthur Meyer]

Yes, totally.

[Johnny Gabris]

It is kind of crazy when you start to like, try to like, analyze what you would want to get out of your kids activities for your. You know what I mean? Like, when you were a kid, you're like, I want to score a goal. And like now, like, as a parent, you're like, I just want to stand outdoors Sunday for one hour and let my kid run around and like, let a coach look at him and me just turn like, you're doing great. Like, but like, in hindsight, like, yeah, no, totally. A buddy of mine signed his kid up for martial arts. He really wanted to do martial arts. And the kid was a little unruly and martial arts, like, gave him discipline. Like, he was like, happy to become, like. And he brought that like, energy home of just like, yes, dad. Like, he like, brought home, like. And my friend was like, I thought, I just wanted, like, I thought he would maybe like, wanting to learn how to kick and punch. And I was like, it'll be good exercise and I'll be around boys and girls his age. And then he's came home and he's like, thank you, dad. And he's like, oh. Like, you know, he's like, his behavior is like, improved wildly. I think he like, he's like a ninja at home. I'm like, oh, that fucking rules. Like, and he's like, I had no, I had no idea that was gonna happen. Now My kid, like, understands respect thanks to Sensei Josh.

[Arthur Meyer]

You know, See, I was, like, certain. I was certain that I was gonna be a professional basketball player because I grew up in Chicago.

[Johnny Gabris]

I was just about to say, if you're telling me you are a 90s kid in Chicago, go. You don't. There. There is nothing else in the world besides the Bulls. That. That. That was true. In New York, we had the Knicks, and all we talked about was the Bulls.

[Arthur Meyer]

It was the most amazing thing. It would be like, one year they were in the championships, and we're driving.

[Johnny Gabris]

Red NBA Jam shirt on right now.

[Arthur Meyer]

Yes, that's true.

[Johnny Gabris]

I have a Chicago Bulls Scotty Pip.

[Arthur Meyer]

And a Horace Grant shirt. No, it was everywhere. It was. I remember driving down the street with my mom, and we passed someone holding up a sign that said, honk for the Bulls. And I'm like, that. And so the next NBA Finals game, I made my sister's hold a sign at the corner that said, honk for the Bulls. And we were getting all these honks, and then suddenly this. This car slows down and this, like, man pokes his head out the window with an Australian accent, and he just goes, who are the Bulls?

[Johnny Gabris]

To be in Chicago in the 90s and not positive about who the Bulls are, no matter where you're from, is for funny. Yeah.

[Arthur Meyer]

He must have just assumed we were, like, asking people to honk for, like, the animal, the bull.

[Johnny Gabris]

Boy, we'd love to see a bull. Bring them on. Bring on the sheilas. And the Bulls might.

[Arthur Meyer]

But no, I was so certain that, like. Because I. I saw the movie Hoop Dreams when I was nine years old.

[Johnny Gabris]

And that'll do it.

[Arthur Meyer]

Yeah.

[Johnny Gabris]

I mean, honestly, I heard Basketball Diaries first. Sorry. Like, I thought you said Hoop Dreams. And I'm thinking, like, Leo Dio doing Harry Heroin. I'm wrong. I saw that when I was nine. I was like, jesus, Arthur.

[Arthur Meyer]

Oh, my God. No, I. Hoop Dreams is like this. It maybe is the best documentary of all time. It's like, an unbelievable story about, like, inner city Chicago kids wanting to be basketball players. And I saw it, and it was so. I was very inspired by it. And I'm walking home with my friend Andrew. I'm like, nine years old, and I go, man, like, I think I'm gonna, like, play in the NBA one day. And I'm like, andrew, do you think I could play in the NBA? And he just goes, no. And I was like, well, why not? And he goes, I don't think that you're good enough. And I was like, no, but I'm like really good at basketball. He's like, you're good, but you're not like NBA good. And I go, well, what about college basketball? And he goes, no. And I'm like, come on, I could totally play college basketball. He goes, no, I really don't think you could. And I go, high school basketball. And he goes, probably not. And he was right about all of that.

[Johnny Gabris]

Yeah, I mean I know you didn't go pro, but I didn't know for sure about the other two. So yeah, didn't do any high school sports. I've always, because I was down to get out of my house as a kid and I never was really good at anything. I like early on got a strong ego that allowed me to like try stuff, stuff that I, that I see like friends, even like as grown ups. But like friends, kids be like, no, I don't want to go out there because it's like I'm spotlighted. Or like what if I'm not good? Or what if I make a mistake? Some superpower I accidentally got as a kid that has helped my life like exponentially is I can walk into somewhere not knowing anything that's going to like with no and be like, I'm not going to die. You know, like, I'm sure I'll figure like. And honestly, since my career has been showing up to a already moving job that has a hundred people working on it already and going, hi, I'm the pizza guy. And they're like, you know, and you're just like, I'm so comfortable. And like that's why I'm able to take adult martial arts. Or like I, I've done like every sport organized as a kid at least one season. Volleyball, roller hockey, gymnastics, water polo, swimming. Like I did every sport. I was like, yeah, I'm down to try it. Always thinking like one of them. I would just be, be very good at out of nowhere and like almost never was this child who is 25 pounds overweight randomly good at something.

[Arthur Meyer]

But that attitude, you're probably good at tug of war, right?

[Johnny Gabris]

I'm pretty good at tug of war. I would imagine. I got a low center of gravity and broad back. But when I went away to college, I got asked to join the rugby team because of my size and whatever about me. And I was like, oh yeah, that sounds fun. And then I joined a club. A sport that everyone else had just learned about, like no one had. Like, and I was like more athletic at 18 than I was at 14. But all those Kids had already, like, been playing football for six years, and I joined and it was all new to me. Now I'm playing a sport where I'm in the best shape of my life at 19 or 18 or whatever, and it's new to everybody, including me. And all of a sudden I slept like, excel and succeed at a sport. Like, no stakes whatsoever. No. But it was like, for the first time ever, I'm like, thank God I tried this one. Rugby, the most esoteric sport to be playing in 2000 in New York. In New York, like, no one I knew played it. I would just, like, be like this. I found my calling and I was like, that's so funny. And I still play it, and I still have connections to all the guys I played with in men's. Lee. I played in my 30s in New York and still stuff. And then it was like, that's like, my biggest sporting takeaway is, like, playing rugby as a grown up.

[Arthur Meyer]

That's incredible, though.

[Johnny Gabris]

I. Yeah, I'm happy with it, but it's just. It is funny to be like, I'm so glad I did that. That's one.

[Arthur Meyer]

That's one of the only sports that I feel like I would maybe be hesitant about allowing my kid to do, but I. I'd be curious if you could convince me otherwise on that. Like, I've always thought, like, football and rugby just seem really scary to imagine, like, my own child doing that. But maybe that's just because I'm a constantly fearful person.

[Johnny Gabris]

Yeah, no, it totally justified based on what you see on. But I think it's safer than American football. Like, yeah, I don't think I'm totally understanding if you're like, my kid can't. Shouldn't play rugby. I'm even more understanding if you're like, my kid shouldn't play American football. Like, my friends who played college football are like, I'm not letting my kid play football. But. And they're like, you know, like, it's. It's. It's tough out there. It has changed so much and has gotten so much safer to play from, like, a young age on. But it was brutal. Like, I don't recommend. I didn't like it. I played high school football. I didn't. I didn't like it. But I think rugby is a. I always. I'll just give the full spiel. Rugby's less dangerous because the person tackling isn't in pads and a helmet either. So they can't, like, do it. They can't do anything. That is too Dangerous because they'll hurt themselves. Yes, of course, like, there's chance for, like, direct skull on skull contact, but you're avoiding that as much as possible.

[Arthur Meyer]

Because I never thought about that.

[Johnny Gabris]

Yeah.

[Arthur Meyer]

Has there ever been talk about rugby players wearing helmets or is that just out of the question?

[Johnny Gabris]

They. There's something called the scrum cap that's kind of like a foam padded helmet that you kind of. You know, when like, little babies need their skull to, like, get a little extra shape or like a karate headgear. They kind of you. Some players wear that. I bet you within, like, 20 years, that'll be mandate. Rugby is such a, like, tradition sport they play, like, so it'll be the hardest one for, like, that to get added. But there's no rules against it. Everyone where, like, you can't wear hard plastic, so you can only wear, like, you know, a foam pad. But people. People wear that. And then like, something like a little vest with, like, some foam padded shoulders is like, usually what all people wearing on the pitch.

[Arthur Meyer]

I guess every sport is dangerous to some degree. Like, I remember in Little League once, some pitcher threw the ball and it bounced. And then next thing you know, the umpire just goes, ow, my penis. And it's just like. I guess, like, no one is safe when you play sports of any kind.

[Johnny Gabris]

Ow, my penis.

[Arthur Meyer]

He said, ow, my penis. And it was one of the funniest things I've ever been a part of.

[Johnny Gabris]

Because getting hit in the penis but not the ball seems so specific.

[Arthur Meyer]

I know.

[Johnny Gabris]

Like, that's a very angled hop there.

[Arthur Meyer]

It is. Yes.

[Johnny Gabris]

Curious for, like, for Stephanie, you. You have a son. Are there any things that he's doing as a boy? Because, like, my. My nephews are the same age gap as me and my brother, and they are like, you know, aggressive little terrors. And he's like, his wife was an only child. And I'm like, does she know, like, what's gonna happen? Like, what these kids are gonna be like? And she's like. He's like, I am, like, holding off on explaining to her how disgusting little kids are for a while. Like, I'm not gonna let her know half the shit you and I were doing. I'm like, all right, good, good. And. But is there anything that you're like. Like, that you. Wait. I know, like, gender is a complicated thing, but when you're like, oh, boys are black. Yeah.

[Stephanie Drake]

Yeah, they're crazy. I mean, I don't know what it is, but I mean, like, we have never watched anything, seen anything played with guns but he already knows what a gun is. I mean it's, I mean he already goes like, like and pretends to like shoot things. Like, I feel like that's just in their DNA. Boys, DNA.

[Johnny Gabris]

I could take a minute to go, go down this path here because trucks and dinosaurs and I think dinosaurs goes across the entire gender spectrum. But I do think there's some power. Like we're genetically coded as like on the X. On the Y chromosome is like you got to keep your eyes out for trucks. They are like, like they seem so important to little boys minds.

[Arthur Meyer]

It's so important.

[Johnny Gabris]

It's so important. It's. And where, like, where, you know, where do they get that from? And it's like if they grew up in the city, in the suburbs, in rural Idaho, trucks impress them. My pet theory is that it's like ingrained in us as like they are monsters. They are giant predators. Like, you know, they're big and loud and make noise and like our genes tell us to like get away from the saber toothed tiger or whatever, get away from the cave bear. So I'm, I'm curious, like, when you see something like where did they get that? Where did they get this love of trucks? Or where did he learn guns? Like, that's. There's gotta be something. There's some sort of weird coding there that. Or, or it's so ingrained in our society that we don't even see it anymore. It's like the kids see the fucking matrix that we can't see.

[Stephanie Drake]

Yeah. I mean, how does he know to already make the pew pew pew sound? Like I don't make that sound. He never hears that.

[Johnny Gabris]

Right? And it's not like, like he's not like he's not running into that. Like it's so. It's not like, oh look, we're at, we're at, we're at the grocery store and on the screen is the outlaw Josie Will. Like, like there's no. Like that, like that's weird to passively learn and, and also, God help us if we like, I, I would not be surprised if like guns are somehow in our DNA as Americans. Like that seems to be not untrue in some way that like we are all. Because I was obsessed, I would literally, I would draw guns. Like, I would be. My behavior I had in like junior high and high school would put me on a watch list now by like, like I would just.

[Arthur Meyer]

You were just drawing guns.

[Johnny Gabris]

I would just draw guys with like sunglasses and cigars and they would have like tons of guns always. And I would like, be like, this dude has these guns. And I would have them on, drawn on the back, like, he's got a shotgun. And I knew too much about guns and shit, like, for a little kid, because I was like, reading and watching like, that kind of those kind of action movies all the time. So I'm like, I would have an. I would have an smg, probably an HPK and five. You know, people are like, what the fuck? Like, I was obsessed. I've never shot someone. I have no desire to do anything like that. I refuse to have one in my house. But I was a kid, I was so like, it. Literally, I always would draw a guy who had like a shotgun, an Uzi, two swords, like, sunglasses, a headband, like, and like, he was always jacked and had like grenades on a belt and shit. And I'd be like, that's me. Like, that's who I am.

[Arthur Meyer]

Of course, you wouldn't even be allowed to go to school now. Like, you would just be. You would have to be home. You would have to be homeschooled legally.

[Johnny Gabris]

Like, he even then five different types of grenades. Grenades? Where does he even know what potato mashers, the World War II Russian grenades. How does he know what those are? Like, I, like, I also was like, something you guys could probably relate to is like, as in the chosen field, like, I was like a sponge. Like, I was so in. I. I was so curious about grown up stuff and like, learning anything I could that seemed grown up, especially back then. Like, you. Like, I would learn grown up stuff and then use it to, like, get grown ups to pay attention to me.

[Arthur Meyer]

Oh, my God, I did. I did that stuff all the time.

[Johnny Gabris]

Like memorizing Eddie Murphy. Like, delirious. Like, all the raunchy shit. And just like, yeah, no, no. My parents would have parties, come out and be like GI Joe swimming underwater, you know, and people would be like, you know, yes, my dad is paying attention to me. Like, I.

[Arthur Meyer]

No, I remember when I was in sixth grade, I used to write fictional stories about the other kids in our class. And I would read them in front of the class. And they were always fun. People generally liked them. But sometimes I would steal jokes from snl, which I was just getting into at the time. And I guess there was some sketch that season where they used the phrase hung like a horse horse. And it got a big. It got like a big laugh on the show. So I was like, oh, I'll put that in one of my stories. So I'm like, In front of the.

[Johnny Gabris]

Class, knowing what it means or anything.

[Arthur Meyer]

Not knowing at all what it means. And I'm just reading a story about. And I'm like. And then Jeff was hung like a horse and my sixth grade teacher just, like, put her hands over her face and I was no longer allowed to, like, read stories ever again.

[Stephanie Drake]

Oh, my God, that's so funny.

[Johnny Gabris]

I've talked about this on other podcasts before, but when I was in first grade, we got a math workbook. And I was like, this is not a brag. I was like this smart at kit in kindergarten, which, like, I evened out at like 11th grade. Everyone caught up with me, but I was like, 11th grade smart. And when I was like, nah. And I was. Everyone's like, this kid is the future. And then it just like hit 11. It was like flowers for Algernon. It was like, oh, yeah. No, no, no. He's just. He's smart as a 17 year old. And now I'm 42 and still a 17 year old brain. But we got this math workbook and I just finished it the first night. I just took it home and finished it the first day of school. It was like 140 pages, but, you know, like six questions per page. Like, I just blew through the whole thing. Math is like something that comes easy to me. And I came back in the class and the teacher's like, you finished the math workbook? He's like, okay, I guess you can have a prize. What would you like to do? And I said, and I don't know what overcame me, but I said, I want to sing Kokomo in front of the whole class. And they're like. Teacher was like, okay, bring your boombox tomorrow. And I am not a singer. I barely know that song. I don't even think I really like it. And now I like, I. I can feel it right now in my chest. The feeling I got when I pressed play. And I was like, I'm in first grade and I can. I feel myself going, what the fuck are you? You are in way. Like, I'm way out on a limb here, like, as I'm like, Aruba Jermaine. And like, no one in the class really cares. And it's like. And I'm like, ooh, I wanna take you, like, dead eyed. Like, I'm not charming at all about it. And then it ends in the class, class is kind of like. Then I'm like, thank you and like, sit down with my poop box teachers. All right, let's keep moving on.

[Arthur Meyer]

I have a question. I mean, I have several questions, but my. I guess my first one is like, how was this introduced to the class? Like, obviously you made this arrangement with your teacher that, like, this is the prize that you're gonna get.

[Johnny Gabris]

I feel like she was like, jonathan wants to sing a song for you guys. Like, it just puts me up there. I remember there was like a stool with the boombox on it, and I pressed play and I just stood there and it's like, you know, like. And I just was like tropical drinks melting in your hand.

[Arthur Meyer]

And were you. Were you dressed up? Were you wearing like a Hawaiian shirt? Probably not, right?

[Johnny Gabris]

Nothing, Nothing. I don't even know if my parents knew I was doing this. You know what I mean? Like, I wasn't like, I don't. Something just overcame me and I was like, this is what, you know, the spirit of Mike Love the Brian Wilson hit me. And I was like, I should sing Kokomo for the class.

[Arthur Meyer]

That's so funny. And it wasn't a karaoke track, Right. Presumably you were singing along.

[Johnny Gabris]

Singing over my own tape, my own single of it. Because it was kind of a big single because the music video had Uncle Jesse from like, yeah, Stamos is drumming in that music video. And the Beach Boys showed up on an episode of Full House. So I think that, like, got into my brain that this was like. And then like when you're a little kid and like a grown up song comes on and like, you know, like, your parents are like, look, he loves let's Get Physical. You know what I mean? Like. Like it's easy to get caught up. And now there is like so much more kids. There was barely kids music when we were kids. It was just like, maybe. Cause I feel like Raffy came around when, like, I learned about Raffy when I was like 14 or 15. Like, I wasn't a thing when I was a kid. And. Yeah, and. But you had these grown up songs that you're like, you know, like Smoke on the Water and you didn't even know what they were. But, like, no, I was.

[Arthur Meyer]

Yeah, I was listening to like Rocky Mountain Way by Joe Walsh. I'm like, how, like, how did this work its way into my life?

[Johnny Gabris]

Yeah, but then, like, you sing a little bit of it or it comes on and like your dad bobs his head to it and you're like. Like, this is what being a grownup is. You know what I mean? Like, Born to raise the red, white and blue. You like singing Credence at like eight, Like Yeah, we got to get our guys out of Vietnam. Like, you have no idea the context.

[Arthur Meyer]

Kokomo is like.

[Stephanie Drake]

No, go ahead. I was just gonna say the pretty. The Pretty Woman soundtrack was my. My go to.

[Arthur Meyer]

That was your on ramp. Your on ramp to adult music. Wait, like, aside from Pretty Woman, what else is on there?

[Stephanie Drake]

That's a good question. There was that song. How does it go?

[Arthur Meyer]

Crocodile Rock?

[Stephanie Drake]

No, I can't think of it. But Pretty Woman soundtrack and the Dirty Dancing soundtrack.

[Johnny Gabris]

Oh, hell, yeah.

[Stephanie Drake]

Those were my jams back then.

[Arthur Meyer]

That's so funny. I was just watching that movie. That is a very good soundtrack.

[Johnny Gabris]

The movie is the sound. Everyone just knows I've had the time of my life, obviously, but that soundtrack is banging. That movie is fun. That movie is more mature than you think it is.

[Stephanie Drake]

I should not have been watching it when I was.

[Johnny Gabris]

Well, we're like. As kids, my mom's like, it's a dancing movie. And it's like, she needs an abortion.

[Arthur Meyer]

Yeah, it's an abortion movie.

[Johnny Gabris]

Yeah. And I'm like, wait a minute. What?

[Arthur Meyer]

It's an abortion movie disguised as a dancing movie.

[Johnny Gabris]

Yeah. There's a whole thing about dropping a watermelon and shit. Like, it's all like. Watermelons are weird. Like, there's a lot of context. Context, subtext throughout this whole thing.

[Arthur Meyer]

Yeah.

[Johnny Gabris]

Oh, wait, I just remembered. Excuse me. An addendum to my nephews peeing in the pool story.

[Arthur Meyer]

Yes.

[Johnny Gabris]

When we finally got. After six months, after Puerto Rico, got to my mom's house this past summer, got in the pool. They. We stood in a circle and we. And I was like, all right, three, two, one. Everyone pee. And then my. One of the nephews goes. And, like, leans in closer to me and I go, okay, two things. You got to keep some distance from each other and shouldn't make noises that make it sound so obviously like your people. And he. And he laughs at himself and he goes, but, Uncle Nani, it feels so good. Feels like you're getting all the juice squeezed out of you. And the way he said it, I've never. His face lit up so hard because I laughed so hard in his face. Like, I'm like. And I just was like, you know what, brother? I think you are right. And it was just like getting the juice squeezed out of you. It's such a crazy thing to say. And it's so, so real. It's like such a.

[Arthur Meyer]

Do you just. I bet. I bet every time you pee now, there's part of you that, like, thinks that. Right? You're like 100.

[Johnny Gabris]

Yeah, I'm getting the juice squeezed out of me like, like a wet, wet towel. Get it all out.

[Arthur Meyer]

Oh, my God. I remember when I was a camp counselor, we. We had like, I was a counselor for like fourth and fifth graders. And there was a nine year old kid, or maybe he was eight, I can't remember. He was like, like, girls have a pajoni and boys have a nut. So I guess that was his understanding of vagina and penis was pajoni and nut. And that has stayed with me for 20 years now.

[Johnny Gabris]

Speaking of things that have stayed with you for 20 years in seventh grade. And this ties guns and genitals. So I'm going to fucking do the ultimate third beat connection island. Here we were on the bus going to seventh grade and someone's like, like, suck my pistol. About like their genitals. And someone else is like, oh, yeah, I got a shotgun. And someone else is like, I got a machine gun. And then this kid Travis is like, I got a nine millimeter. And then someone's like, but wait, isn't that an actual measurement? And someone's like, yeah, and it's like less than a centimeter. And then all of a sudden we were like, Travis has got 9 millimeters. And I was like, this is such a specific thing for boys to be yelling. But we were like saying our. This kid had a centimeter long dick because he chose the wrong gun to compare his dick to in this metaphor.

[Arthur Meyer]

Oh, man.

[Johnny Gabris]

And then that would be like a group game in a. Harold. I would do it like 31.

[Arthur Meyer]

Yes, totally, totally.

[Johnny Gabris]

Tell the shitheads, my listeners, a little bit about where they can find your show and what it's all about. I mean, I've watched, I follow and I watched all the clips. It's been. It's been a fucking treat. But what are you guys doing over. What are you guys doing over there on this? Before anyone goes to you guys to, like, get parenting advice, let's just make sure.

[Arthur Meyer]

Yes, I should. I should say it's all terrible parenting advice. So this is like, it's called ABC parenting and it's on dumbass Instagram and TikTok and YouTube. And we have like about 40 episodes and we have maybe 10 more left. But we have, you know, things like, like how to fart your baby. Like five signs that your wife just gave birth. At what age can your child start drinking espresso? Can your baby start drinking espresso? So we just kind of COVID like every parenting topic with just across the board Terrible advice. And Stephanie and I host it together, and she's the best. Anyone out there who's a fan of Mad Men will. Will recognize Stephanie instantly, and she's so good in the series.

[Johnny Gabris]

What made you specifically want to do bad parenting advice? Is it because there's just so much out there that it's like. It's crazy that. Because I'll see. I'll get served something. I'm like, who actually needs this advice? Like, put cucumber in your water and it tastes good. Like, it feel. You know? I mean, like, they'll put something out there. I'm like, are we. We still need to make shit like this?

[Arthur Meyer]

Like, no, that's. Yeah, it was basically, like, when my wife was pregnant, I would look up videos of, like, how to be a dad. You know, just, like, Google, like, how to be a parent. And yes, there's a million, billion, like, parenting, like, channels out there, and they give all kinds of advice, but they have one thing in common, which is that they're not funny. Like, none of them are funny at all. So I was like, oh, I should do one of these. But try to make it funny just so that there's, like, one version of this that parents can. Can go see.

[Johnny Gabris]

Yeah, no, you have to wait till I saw this thing online. You can't actually give them espresso till they're four. Like, you know, like, someone, like, accidentally, like, is radicalized by what you guys are doing. Dude, I. I saw this TikTok, and I do think my wife just got. Just had a baby because, like, there was, like, the placenta shit from the TikTok that I was reading about. That was. That was there, like. Yeah. That is, like, how people talk about stuff. Like. Yeah, like, the other day. So not here or there, but the other day, my wife's like, did you hear the thing about aluminum foil? I was like, what? I'm like, you need to give me one more detail before I don't use aluminum foil on this meal. And she's like, I don't really remember what it was. I'm like, okay, well, then we're allowed to use aluminum foil. And I'm like, what the fuck? Did you possibly. What if you saw ABC Kitchen and you. And it was a. It was a bit. Babe. What? We can. Don't get rid of us.

[Arthur Meyer]

Yeah, that's true.

[Johnny Gabris]

Yeah.

[Arthur Meyer]

I mean, yeah, a lot of the real parenting advice channels almost feel like they're teetering on. Like, they almost seem so ridiculous that you would think that they're comedy, but There are a lot of insane people giving what they believe is legitimate parenting advice out there.

[Johnny Gabris]

Oh, that's gotta be terrifying.

[Arthur Meyer]

It really is.

[Johnny Gabris]

That's like, the hardest thing about the Internet right now is that, like, forget, like, how to get my baby to latch or, like, potty training a unruly toddler. Forget that. If you, like, Google, like, which one of these wires is like, there's so much slop online that you're, like, just Googling, like, where's the best tire place? By me. It's, like, impossible to find the information now. It's like, sponsored tires. And there's like, 25 different tire companies you click on. It's like a hundred miles away, and it's like, that shit is impossible to use. God help all the bad actors who are like, well, of course our parenting channel, like, somewhere it just says, like, paid for by, you know, Christian Gun Owners association or something.

[Arthur Meyer]

Yes, totally.

[Johnny Gabris]

Fuck. I'm like, I didn't know that. Now my son's screaming 9 millimeter with his pecker hanging out.

[Arthur Meyer]

The crazy thing is there are some people out there who believe that ABC parenting is a legitimate parenting channel. Like, we did a terrifying. We did the. It's terrifying.

[Stephanie Drake]

We did.

[Arthur Meyer]

We did an. We did, like, one episode that's a song called Wacky Zoo. And it's basically just kind of a silly kid song about, like, well, the cow goes ba and the pig goes moo and the chicken goes oing. And that's what you get at the wacky zoo. And then the very next episode is we issue an apology for Wacky Zoo. For, like, we've received lots of blowback and criticism for making a lot of children and in some cases adults believe that animals make sounds that they don't actually make. And so we posted this online as an apology. And I would say about half the comments were like, this is what wokeism has done to the country. Like.

[Johnny Gabris]

That'S the politicization of everything, including parenting is so fucking crazy. It's like I'm raising a liberal child. I mean, God bless. But, like, it seems like. Like, that no son of mine's going to be liberal. And it's like, oh, that. That didn't matter when I was growing up.

[Arthur Meyer]

When I was 8 years old, like, my understanding of politics was like, ross Perot is running for president, and his name sounds like, yeah, Dana Carvey.

[Johnny Gabris]

Dana Carvey does a good impression of him. Yeah.

[Arthur Meyer]

Yeah. That was all I knew about politics and all I should have known at that age.

[Johnny Gabris]

I'm still kind of Tapped out there. That's like, kind of like the limit of by. Well, anything else you guys want to plug? Thank you so much for coming on High and Mighty. I appreciate you guys taking the time and, you know, answering my. Answering my hard, hard hitting parenting questions.

[Arthur Meyer]

No, I believe that's it.

[Stephanie Drake]

That's it. Thanks for having us. This was so fun.

[Johnny Gabris]

No, I had a blast too. Thank you so much for coming on. As for me, shitheads, you can listen to my other podcast, Action Boys, and of course, 101 places to party before you die. Still on HBO Max X as of this record time. Bye, shitheads. That was a hit gun podcast.

[Arthur Meyer]

In.

[Johnny Gabris]

A part of the world where there are no rules. Holy, holy. Guys, I'm so pumped. I definitely have not watched this since I rented it on VHS in 92. Strangers United by the threat of death. We got all the major players, Seagal. Vladimir Putin is a good man. Arnold, you're come give it to me. I need you to cream pie me now, Stallone. People are loving this movie. It's got a lot of immensely irregular now. Somewhere, somehow, someone's going to pay. I would love for my wife to like, see me rip a guy's throat out. But they didn't count on one thing. This movie's insane. It's how you know it's a good movie. You have to do almost all the work yourself to figure it out. Well, there's a fantasy component. There's some sword fighting. There's some lightning. There's a new game in town. You wake up after a few years and then you don't even know you.

[Arthur Meyer]

You are anymore.

[Johnny Gabris]

We're going to be making Terminators. We're going to make a really great deal with the Xenomor. I don't hate him, but I pity a roommate. Yes, I understand. This is now the 20th ending of the movie. I am dark. I'm your dad. Action Boys. Boys will be boys. Subscribe here for bonus content and more free stuff from behind the paywall. To get new episodes, become a patron at Actionboys Biz. Do it. Do it. Come on. Do it now.