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Hildy
Okay, Ben, true or false? Women's body care products are always much fancier and nicer than men's. Oh, that is false. Wait, what? Sorry, Mooch. It's just not true anymore because men have the body care brand Jack Plaque. And this episode of Hildi the Barback is sponsored by Jack Black, the grooming brand, not the actor. Jack Black offers a complete line of men's grooming products, from face cleansers to moisturizers to beard care. Whether you've got a hardcore skincare routine or are just starting out, Jack Black makes it easy to look good, feel good, and stay fresh. Oh, is that why you've been smelling like cardamom and cedarwood? Yes. Yes, it is. That's just my Black Reserve body and hair cleanser. Ooh, Black Reserve. Who's this fancy guy I'm married to? I'm very fancy. This holiday season, if you want simple, effective products that your significant other will love, you need Jack Black head to getjackblack.com hildy and use code hildy for 10% off your order. Once again, that's get jack black for 10% off. And make sure you use our promo code Hildy, so they know we sent you. Hi, I'm Reshma Sajani, founder of Girls who Code. Look, I'd consider myself a pretty successful adult woman. I've written books, founded two successful nonprofits, and I'm raising two incredible kids. But here's the thing. I still wake up wondering, is this it? And if the best years are yet to come, when's that going to start? Join me on my so Called Midlife, my new podcast with Lemonada Media, where we're building a playbook for navigating midlife one episode at a time. Each week, I'll chat with extraordinary guests who've transformed their midlife crisis into opportunities for growth and newfound purpose. At some point, we all ask ourselves, is there more to life? I'm here to discover how to thrive in my second act, right alongside you. My so Called Midlife is out now, wherever you get your podcasts. Lemonade. This is Glenn Close, and I'm fucking phoning it in. The Golgoroth alliance is proud to bring Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire. This presentation is brought to you by Theater of the Vine. Theater, Theater. Theater. Chapter six, A Prelude to the Middle of the Ending. We finally made it to this. The finest, most exciting episode. Haven't I been saying all along that episode six would shatter your mind with its epic storytelling? I'M sure I mentioned it in passing, because episode three was intolerable excrement. We all know that. I'm almost positive it was a money grab. But what's important is that all of the quests, adventures and alliances have led us to this moment. A prelude to the war that will decide the fate of Golgorath. My name is Hildy. I am a bar back at a medieval pub with peasants galore and piss on the floor. Could I long for something more? We are in peril from the evil one who soul desires to turn my shire into a lake of fire. The men folks say they'll protect me, but they would fuck up a cup of coffee. It's got to be me. I must set us all free. It's my destiny. My name is Hildy and I'm forging. My name is Hildi the Barbara. Here in the smoldering dark caverns beneath Sha'adu, Urgral and his minions seek an evil that could be our hero's undoing. The Caves of Death. Listen to the echo, Drael. The Caves of Death. The Caves of Death. Actually, your noxiousness, these are the caverns of King's Hollow. Famously, these caverns. The Caves of Death. Not King's Hollow of Death. The Caves of Death. They were used to store provisions. Like death. Death? No, they were not used to store death. They could have stored bodies. But you can't store the concept of death anyway. Not with that attitude, you can't. Fine, fine. It stored death, stupid. Yes, death. But factually speaking, these particular caves were used to store cheese and wheat and other little sundries and nibbles during the famines or drought. Well, your facts are not worth as much as my feelings. So from now on, these are the Caves of Death. Just change it. So you want me to change all the books, scrolls and maps that have. I'm sorry. For centuries, read the Caverns of King's Hollow and changed them all to the Caves of Death? Yes, I expect you to do so. Trith. So. Data entry. An interesting use of time for your most valuable servant. Such a pleasure to be of service, my lad. We could lose the sarcasm, Trith. Well, it is dripping, so I'm glad you picked it up. Treth, Guess what? What? I killed your mom. Why would you let it go? What a suck ass. No one requires your opinion, Drael. Sire, why are we wandering through the Caves of Death in the first place? Particularly since the filthy elven army marches on our fortress and there are war plans that are simply Screaming for your wicked genius. Drith, let's get real for a minute. The only reason that you want us to rush into war is so you can partake in another one of your blood feasts. Licking blood off dead elves and such untrue side. Oh, what a load of shit. You're looking at the blood on my shirt sleeve even now. It must be placed into my life evil stomach. No. Now Drith has taken a long look into the mirror, and Drift did not like what he saw. So Drith has worked that out. No more blood fees for Drift. Is he allowed to talk about himself like that? Like it's someone else? But it's him because Drael doesn't like it. Hey, Drith. Knock, knock. Who's there? I killed your mom. Oh, my God. Why not a sound? Drift for Gorwan, the greatest of all ur dragons, has been blissfully sleeping for five years. If she were to awake too suddenly, our lives will be. Mommy. Mom. It's your baby boy. She's also Drael's mother. It's kind of weird, I know. Drael, be quiet, my idiot nephew. Be quiet. I love you so much. Drift does not like this one bit. As dragons and questionable family trees reveal themselves below ground, above ground, Hildegard and Finnick prepare for the great war of Golgorath. They stand in a war tent outside of the foreboding castle of Sha'adu, alongside the powerful leaders of the elves, King Freyman and King Thymin. And joining this noble alliance, a platoon of centaur warriors, a snarling pack of she wolves, and three giants. Gerd's cousins on her mother's side. Trog. Prune, little trog. Go sit behind that hill. You're scaring the she wolves. Apologies, King Freyman. Please continue. My thoughts seem to have drifted away like heather upon the golden grasses of Thymdal. You were telling a overly detailed story about the battle of Braemarsh that seems to have little to nothing to do with our current and dire situation. Something about your own heroism. Oh, yes. Thank you for reminding me. There we stood, among them fallen two warriors, unbent and unwavering in the hurricane of death that ebbed and flowed about us. What the fuck? What is that sound? Best friend I know not. I've never heard. It's like before. It has the unmistakable tinge of magic. Ah, so it is a magical portal. Indeed. A magical light and sound gathers in the air, and then an enchanted circular portal opens in front of them, and stepping through it are Purta, Mirabel, and Otto. They Are all reunited on the battlefield. Thank Merlin's maw you're here. Purda. Mirabel Rogert. My name is Otto Fennec. You know that, Mirabelle. Your power must be growing. You've never been able to manage a magic portal before. What if the Helm of Magic. Did you acquire it? Does the Helm of Magic look anything like this? Holy. Yes, that is indeed the Helm of Magic. Look at it shine like gold in the sun. Thank the elven gods who found it. Baby Belle. Mirabel. I missed you terribly. I'm so glad you survived, my sweet warhammering Gertie. Not only did I survive, I have discovered how to channel the deepest magic of the ancients. Such power. The blue flames coming out of your eyes make you even more beautiful. Per. How many times did you almost die? 17. And you? Wow. 12. Oh. But one of those times did require me to stick my sword into a giant urethra. So that was, you know, pretty interesting. Oh, Hildy, not your good sword. Oh, no. My. By the gods. Can you imit? No. My backup sword. Oh. I have to smelt it down. I know. They're still kissing. Yeah. You two. Don't get scared to get a little handsy there, Fennec. Let Gerd and Mirabel celebrate their reunion in peace. Stop staring. I can't. Yes, you can, Or I'm gonna feed you to the she Wolves. But they're kissing. How about we take a walk, you big oaf? You can tell me all about the Land of Giants while everyone works on the battle plan. I say this with great trepidation. But before you go, Fennec, please put the Helm of Magic in your magic bag of holding. It'll be the safest. There. I really wish there were another way to hold all of our most valuable magical objects. The magical bag was bestowed to Fennec and Fennec alone. That's true, and I'm pretty surprised. But I've done pretty good with it so far, right, Hildy? Yeah, actually, you have. Okay, first off road, everything in the Land of Giants is. My name is Otto. Continue. Back in the Caves of Death, formerly known as the Caverns of Kings Hollow, the mother of all ur dragons is awakened by her screaming kid. And she is extremely peeved. Who dares disturb my slumber on this bed of golden coins? Who has the sheer audacity to stir the fire in my loins? Let me guess. Another bunch of dipshits with their armor and swords and shields. Ha. Your stupid boys with their stupid toys dreaming of the battlefield. And you need me to clean up some mess? Some shit show that you made? You Watts can't finish anything you're and unknocks your fucking maid. Well, no more. I'm not for hire. You're not worthy of the fire. I won't waste the precious breath it takes to burn you all to death. You're not worthy of the fire. Of the fire, of the fire. You're not worthy of the. The fire, of the fire, of the fire. I've slain so many armies they sprout up again like weeds. It's such a vicious cycle. With all your spaltic energy. You're not worthy of the fire. There's the door. Please piss off. I would eat you all alive, but you probably taste like shit. So be gone with your tired, idiotic, frat bro warrior crap. It's been the same for centuries. It's so old, a bitch needs a nap. So fuck off. Are you ready to dive into the ultimate pop culture showdown? Join me for Pop Culture Debate Club. I'm your host, Ronald Young Jr. Each week, our panel of trendsetters, critics and fan favorites clash over the latest in movies, music, TV and more. Who's right and who's just plain wrong. That's for me to decide. Check out Pop Culture Debate Club every Thursday, wherever you get your BBC podcasts produced by Lemonada and the BBC. Hi there, it's Julia Louis Dreyfus. This fall, my podcast, Wiser Than Me is back for season three with even more wisdom straight from some legendary old ladies. These chickadees have a lot to teach us. Every word is a lesson in living unapologetically and focusing on the stuff that really matters. From Lemonada Media Wiser than Me, Season 3 out now. Find it wherever you get your podcasts, subscribe to Lemonada Premium in the Apple podcast app and listen to every episode of season three A.D. free. Hey, Mom. It's me, Drael. I'm the light of your life, right? The sun in your sky. Oh, mom, if I hadn't ducked behind that pillar, you would have burn me good. Oh, you're so funny. I miss our games. Driel, where have you been? Why are you here? I've been hanging out with Uncle Ergie here. It's been awesome. We've been planning a war, stealing magic stuff. I've been going to blood feasts. I feel like I'm really growing up, Mom. And there's Uncle Ergie now. I reject that name with venom and fire. Greetings, Gorwan the Gruesome. I trust your dragon sleep was Refreshing. It was. Until some crowed before the sun rose. Sorry about that, Mom. I just got excited when I saw you. Cuz I fucking love you, Mom. I love you so much, I couldn't stop yelling. I love you. Whoa. Okay. You almost killed me with your tail, Mom. But you taught me how to duck. And I did good, right? This explains so much. Great and terrifying Gorwan. I must call upon you as my ancestors. Ancestors have before me. Only your strength and savagery can restore darkness and unending ruination in Golgoroth. I've been asleep less than five years, Dark King. What hath happened to Golgoroth? If I may, your dreadfulness. In the last five years, many of the workers have become merchants and even noblemen. After that, they've been seeking peace and have begun creating alliances with the elves and the giants. Even the centaurs. By the ancient gods, no. I've tried to set everyone on fire, Gorwan. Because I know that's what you would do. Correct. That would have been my very first suggestion. But I do not have all five relics of the Dread Ages. And we cannot turn Golgoroth into a lake of fire without it. You can see my dilemma. So you need my help to get the final pieces of your Dread Aegis. And then you'll set the world on fire? Fire. Yes. Everything goes. Mostly everything. Oh, God damn it. I told him not to burn up the Twin Falls armory, Mama G. Because you were going to give me that shiny shield for my birthday. Do you remember that? Will you get Mommy a pail of water? I'm so very thirsty. You can count on me, Mom. One pail of water coming right up. Motherfucker. I'm done with your kid. Your growl. He's not my kid. He's my brother's kid. My brother, mind you. Who died? You had your brother killed, Sire. What's the difference? He's dead. And then I asked a thousand year old dragon to raise his son. There's nothing uncommon about this situation. If I help you with your Sea of Fire plan, we're saying Lake of Fire around the fortress. People really responded to it. Fine. If I help you with your Lake of Fire, then draw Elvis becomes your problem. I don't want any more surprise visits. No more Mama G nonsense. I'm done. Absolutely. What about the. All right. Yes. Thank you, Driz. One last thing. Gorwan the Gruesome. I told Dr. He could ride on your back one more time. Unacceptable. Let him climb all over you this time. What if we stop saying peas and carrots. Yes. To show our appreciation, the first thing we will do is burn down Twin Falls armory. Fine, but burn that place to the ground and then burn it a second time. What are we burning? Mama G? Should we get more water? As Urgral plots and plans with his dragon, Hildi stays up all through the night, attempting to plan war plans with the elves. I apologize for saying plan so many times. I blame the writers. Now, as day breaks, the planning continues. Seriously, Kenny? You gotta be fucking kidding me. It's just lazy writing. I'm taking my break. We will crash upon the fortress wolves like the northern waves of the Elven ocean. Only a full frontal assault will win the battle for frontal really brings up a mental picture. I don't believe you intended. Also. No offense, King Freyman, but you have said that exact same thing five times now. And then, Purda says, because it stands repeating, no army in history has ever breached the walls of Urgrall's fortress. Ever. Ever. Because they're impenetrable. Well, I'm out of ideas. Come, King Freiman. Let us take a walk around the battleground. This could be our last day together, and let's just sing to each other. Aw, they're sweet. I mean, minus the part where they think we're all about to die. We're not all about to die, are we, Hildy? Perta, I. I just can't come up with anything. I mean, we cannot use one of Mirabella's magical portals because our Elvish spies tell us Ural has enchanted the castle walls against just that possibility. One of my giant cousins could throw someone over the walls, but they would have to land somehow without, you know, going splat. We'll call that a backup plan, Gerd. I'm just gonna pause you there with respect, Hildy, and share that I've been studying the magical scrolls that Kristoff the Great sent away with me. Okay, now you're talking. That's what we need. Mirabel, what have you learned? Can you turn invisible? Or conjure a flood? Or turn wandereth the raven into a mighty elephant? Magical fireballs falling from the sky made. There are many powers that I have gained. Indeed. But my foresight is telling me that none of them can get me into the castle. But show them the cute thing you can do, sweet pea. Oh, Gertie, that's more of a parlor trick. I've done it a zillion times. Come on, sugar. Snappy. Watch this, you guys. All right. Good bird. Is everyone watching? May the face on your Face. And the face on my face hereby replace. Ho ho. Is that not wonderful? I look like Mirabel and Mirabel looks like me. Now you're the best sorcerer ever. Babe, we are well aware of the difficulties of explaining a face swap in a non visual medium. Or at least I am. But to be clear, Gerd now looks like Mirabel and Mirabel looks like Gerd. And you. The listener doesn't know what either one of them looks like in the first place. Damn writers. Oh my God. You literally switched faces. Oh, look at me. I am Mirabel, the most talented and beautiful sorceress. Okay, I guess I will do some magic now. Watch out, everybody. Just kidding, best friend. It is only me. We switched faces. So you're probably a bit confused. Oh God, I do love that trick. You know, I've seen her do the face swap before. You know, even before she became a super wizard. But still isn't going to help us breach the fortress walls. But super fun at a party. I have something salient to present, but I fear you will criticize Perda. Come on, you're our friend. We would never be critical of you. Okay, last night, as you were all in the throes of war planning, I quietly slid off and went to the Three Legged Goat. The Three Legged Goat? Wait a minute. You went to a tavern? But not my tavern. Actually, it's my tavern. You just work there. Oh my God. Throat punch. Ooh, excellent. Throat punch, best friend. Purda. What happened at the Three Legged Goat? Well, there was this guy. So. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Let me get this straight. You were laying with a strange man on the eve of our epic battle? I've had a very difficult week and I wanted to have an eight. Okay, this is why he didn't want to say anything. We are not passing judgment, Purta. I am continue with your story of questionable ethics. Yeah, please do. Ew. Fennec, you're awful. Anyway, this man works at the fortress of Sha'adu as the master of keys and locks. I see it now. Bless your wenching ways, Perturb. He showed me an unknown way to enter. Yeah, he did. Punch, throw, punch. Another dick punch. You know what that is? That's a dick punch sandwich. Cause it's dick punch, throw, punch. Dick punch. Here comes another bite of sandwich. Dick punch, double dick throw, Dick, dick, dick, dick. Throw, dick, dick. Oh, that was a rage combo platter, Best friend. Good work. I have to say, the face swapping is very unsettling. Just for my own sake, which one of your faces is the face that is always usually saying best friend. That would be me, best friend. Okay. Sometimes you get mad at best friend. So maybe this is a learning experience where, you know, it's good that I've been saying all that time, because now you can more easily recognize me, best friend. That's certainly one way of looking at it. Mm. But you look like Mirabel. You know what? I think I have an idea. I like the sound of this. You might not after you hear the plan, because it has probably less than one in a million chance of working. Hi, I'm Emily Deschanel. And I'm Carla Gallo. And we're excited to tell you about Boneheads, our new Bones Rewatch podcast. I played Dr. Temperance Brennan. And I played Daisy Wick. And we are going to watch from the very beginning. We're going to watch the episode, we're gonna reminisce, we're gonna laugh, we're gonna cry, we're gonna tell behind the scenes stories. We're gonna go on tangents. A lot of tangents. So whether you're a seasoned Bones fanatic or a newcomer looking to dip your toes into the wild world of forensic anthropology, this show is for you. Boneheads from Lemonada Media is out now. Wherever you get your pod. I love me some me. And my nipples are touching my gut. Yes, girl. Welcome to the Body Collective podcast. I'm Katie Storino. We're here to change the conversation about weight. We're going to take everything we've learned about shame, unlearn it, and transform it into a source of power. And I'm doing it with some of my greatest girlfriends. I'm Hunter McGrady. Ashley Longshore. My name is Tracy Moore from Lemonada Media and Weight Watchers. The Body Collective is out now. Several hours later, as Balgru, the sun God, nears the finish of his daily journey across the sky, our valiant heroes exit the war tent. Their hopes are renewed by Hildy's bold yet risky new battle strategy. And their spirits are lifted by the sound of singing elves. Listen. That song is so beautiful. I've never heard anything like King Freiman. Why are your elf warriors singing? The elves know the time of war is upon us. This is an ancient song of inspiration and heroism. Could you translate for us? Of course. But pardon my voice. I have not sung the war song. And hundreds of years. Come ye to battle, to battle. Keep peace in your heart. Stab a Morley in the butthole. The butthole. Stab a dragon in the face. Pull the butthole. If you use A mace. Don't be a distrait. Fill their face with your grandfather's mate. To battle. Cut all their dicks off. Their dicks off. Or in the butthole forever. That's a visual. That is a real visual. Man, I love this song. I am going to learn the lyrics. Egad. A dragon. Oh my God. Not just any dragon. She's Gorwon the Gruesome. The most ancient and murderous er, dragon in Golgoroth. And the most powerful Elven soldiers, form a line. Break for battle. She said, have the camp on fire. They're boats of destiny. They're still in the war. 10. I got it. I got it. I will prevail. Is that a human man up there? Someone is riding atop the dragon. Not just somebody, applecheeks. I am Drael, warrior of Sha Adu, the Fist of Yrgral and the son of Gorwon. My mom. I'm riding her right now. Don't drive me into this. I am not with him. Archers, release your arrows. Are you serious? You stupid elf. You think your arrows can hurt a dragon as powerful as Gorwon? What are you, an idiot? Don't you call King Priman an idiot? You're the idiot. You're holding the boots of Destiny right out in the open like a bonehead. You're the biggest bonehead of all. Oh yeah? Well, could a bone head do this? Hi. Yah. Hey. He's bullwhipping the Boots of Destiny. He's pulling them towards him. Fennec, don't you dare let go. Okay, everyone, grab hold of Fennec. Resist. Resist. Ah. You're a weak little bird. You dumb shit. You're the dumb shit. Hold on to it, Fennec. Everyone grab his legs. Come on, Fennec. Fennec, you can do this. But I believe in you. I can't hold on. I Sorry. I got the boots. Yeah. Wow, you guys really suck. Right, Mom? Let's circle back and kill him. Woo. That man on the dragon has the Boots of Destiny. And they're circling back around. We're done for. No mortal weapon can stop such a magical beast. Patrick? Of course, Fetic. Grab your bag of holdings and retrieve the Helm of Magic. My hands hurt. I don't care. Reach your privileged entitled man hands into the magic bag of holding and get the Helm of Magic. Quick. Give it to Mirabel. Maybe if she wears it, it will enhance her powers and she can slow down that dragon. I'm not sure I can control the Helm's power, but I am game to try Friend, the dragon is diving at us. Take cover. Take that dragon. In an epically doltish move, Finnick throws the Helm of Magic at Drael. And surprisingly, it flies far enough for Drael to easily catch it in his evil hands. Balthazar's butthole. You're the stupidest fat head in all of Golgoroth. What did you do, Fennec? I threw the Helm of Magic at him. I just got so mad I wanted to bust his face of Good God. Thank for the Helm of Magic, you idiot. Mommy. Let's go home and show Uncle Ergy that he has everything. Now Golgorath will become a Lake of Fire. Because one dumpy weak fisted dimwit should have had his sister do the thinking for him. Women are stupid. You gave him everything, Fennec. He's going to burn Golgoth to ashes. Sorry Hilda. Doesn't matter. Yrgral has won. Well, I mean, he doesn't have everything. He's right, Hildy. You still have the Scabbard of Fate. This ratty old scabbard? It's the least important relic. It's not even a weapon. It just holds the weapon. It's like a box. Nay, Hildir Mervale. Do not diminish the scabbard's significance. Much as a beautiful butterfly needs the strength of its cocoon to flourish, so too the Sword of Power needs the Scabbard of Fate to grant it limitless power when wielded. The fact remains that Urgraal needs to possess every piece of the Dread Aegis, including the Scabbard of Fate, to receive ultimate power and set us all aflame. Hildy. He's no closer to his Lake of Fire than he was before. And Hildy's plan could still work. Unless it doesn't. I feel good about it. I promise I'll make it up to you, Hildy. I'll make it up to all of you. I'm sorry I let you all down. It's not your fault, Fennec. It. It's Dad's fault for making you believe that you are more capable than you really are. Yeah, well I really appreciate you saying that. Especially wrong because he just assumed that because I'm a woman I'm incapable. If it's any consolation, I told dad the bag of holdings should go to you in the first place. You really did that, Fennec? Of course I did. But he didn't listen to me. Thanks for that. I think you know the bottom line is that dad was just a real dick. He was such a dick. Such a dick. One short dragon flight later, in Ugrel's fortress, a celebration is in full swing. The band plays a lively song as wine is poured and the attendees laugh cruelly and dance evil dances. The large door to the hall swings open and arousing applause meets Drael as he enters. There he is. There he is. My fearsomely dangerous nephew. The champion of Chadu Drael, the dragon rider. Hooray. Everyone loves Tryelle. Now that's wonderful for all parties involved. Thank you, Uncle. Thank you for all that applause. Thank you so much. I deserve it because I was very brave. But also, it was barely even interesting because I'm so confident and strong. And confident. Yes, you're very strong. Now, nephew, present to us the spoils of your blondeur. All right, all right, all right. Well, I did like you said. I got the boots and I got the. No, no, no, no, no, no. Not like that. Do it slowly. Build the suspense. Make us crave your every word. Okay, so like more dramatic. Like, yes, dramatic. Okay. As I flew across the Golgorathian skies on the back of my mom Gorwyn the Gruesome, the setting sun glinted off her shiny scales. Yes, that's it. I spotted the Boots of Destiny in the clutches of a stumpy, pig faced idiot shithead. He called me a bonehead after I called him a bonehead. Then I called him a dumb shit, Then he called me a dumb shit. Okay, now just pick up the pace a little bit. Or allowed. You've interrupted me. Now I have to start over. I spotted the Boots of Destiny and the clutches. Actually, I agree with Drizzt here. We've kind of really bogged down. Okay, then why don't you stop fucking interrupting me? So I took out my demon whip. You know the one, Uncle? It has a silver handle and a leather snap that I can attach to my belt. Come on, Less about the whip. These details are burning into my mind in a bad way. With one whip lash, I pulled the Boots of Destruction out of his tiny baby hands. Even though his friends tried helping him, they all looked so stupid when they fell on the ground. Haha. Better. Better. What happened Next? I steered GAR1 around and was intending to set the entire Elven army on fire with the blast of the Dragon flame. Dragon flame. Wonderful. My favorite kind of flame. But suddenly. Suddenly. Oh yes. The suspense. The same stumpy boy threw the Helm of Magic at me. Wait, he just threw it at you? He totally did. Jesus, I almost didn't have to Catch it? It landed directly in my lap. I see. Well, fortune smiles on the brave in such circumstance, I suppose. But then, my virulent nephew. What happened next? I turned around and flew home. Yes. Wait, what? Then you all applauded as I came through the door, and I said I was brave and confident and strong. And everyone agreed? You have got to be kidding me, Sire. Now, of course you shouldn't just kill him. He is, after all, your mightiest soldier. That said, you might want to slay him just a little bit. Drift. Enough. Drael. What about the Scabbard of Fate? Well, I got the boots and I got the helm, and you got the scabbard. What's a scabbard? It's a sheath for a sword. So why do you call it a scabbard? Did you get the fucking thing? I might have forgotten it. That's basically just like a sword wrapper, right? So not only did you fail to procure the final relic, but you also opted not to incinerate our enemies when you had a chance. I screamed absentities at them. You should have seen it. You weren't there. Okay, just a tiny bit of slain. Seems apropos, my darkest overlord. So I might have lost track of the exact mission at the moment, but you asked for a lot of stuff, okay? That is why Drake tattooed the list on your forearm. It was some of my best work. Oh, there it is. That is a fresh tattoo. Hasn't even healed yet. It has the plastic on top of it. I mean, what the fuck happened, man? Yeah, I remember now. Unfortunately, I was wearing my long sleeve purple tunic under my leather armor, so I couldn't see the forearm. Couldn't see your fucking forearm, Uncle Ergie. The eggplant tunic and my dark red armor make me look incredibly intimidating. Would you not agree, dearth? All right, party is over. Everyone go home. Do not take wine with you. Do not steal the cutlery, or you don't even want to know what I will do to you. Expeditiously, please. You call that moving? Expeditiously? I'm going to slay you. And I'm definitely drinking your blood later because, yes, I am stressed and yes, I deserve a fucking blood feast. Get out. Get out. Uncle Ergie. Don't you ever call me Uncle Urgi again. I deserve that. Sorry I let you down. I didn't bring the. Go to your room. Or wherever it is that people who fail horribly go. All right, all right, Uncle. Okay, I'll go to the caves of. No, no, no, no. Don't go There. I promised your mother a break from that face. You're stupid, terrible face. The last thing I need to do is battle the most powerful dragon in Golgoroth because of your face. Okay, I understand. Again, I'm sorry. Though what you're doing feels like a bit of an overreaction. Overreact? Your face. Look, I said I was sorry, which never happens. Okay, I'm gonna go walk the castle grounds, get my head right. I'm gonna probably buy another tunic, because that one kind of got a stink on it. One question for you. Do you like a tab collar? Get the out of here. I'll give you all and everything you've ever wanted. Just get the out. Where are we on slaying him again? Sire, I can see you're too angry to answer. Give me a battle cry. Very rageful, means I am going to slay Drael. And the lower vengeful rage cry means I am not sure if I'm going to slay Driel yet. So do it now. Okay. Hmm, I can't tell. I mean, I know it's rage, but I cannot quite put my talons on your answer. Keep screaming in rage. I'll get it. Well, I just have to keep screaming and you guess. No. What about now? No, I'm still not getting. I mean, I know it's rage again, but really clearly. Okay, see, I don't know. I mean, I know it's rage forward, but what kind? I mean, specific do you want me to slay or not slay? Dryo. Oh, that just sounds like you're hungry. It's got to be me. I'm a sabotage. It's my destiny. My name is Hildy. And a progeny. Why, hello there. This is your pal, Sarah Silverman. You know, the standup comic that's not afraid of a diarrhea joke. Oh, my God, I'm so brave. I hope you're enjoying this podcast that you're listening to. I am just dropping in here to let you know about another podcast I think you'd like, and it's called the Sarah Silverman Podcast. Each week, listeners from all over the world call in, and they ask me for advice, or they talk about something going on in their life. Anything. Their silliest, grossest, deepest, darkest situations. And then I respond, whether I'm qualified to or not. Go ahead, search for the Sarah Silverman Podcast, wherever you get your podcasts. Bye. Are you in bed by 10? Can you feel your hormones raging? More than ever? Do you wake up every day wondering, is this it? Guess what? You're not alone. Welcome to My so Called Midlife, a weekly podcast hosted by me, Reshma Sajani. On this show, we're going to expose the con we've been sold about middle age. Figure out what the fuck we want from our lives and how to get there. We'll have help from guests like Julia Louis Dreyfus, Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson, and Ilana Glaser. You can listen to My so Called Midlife ad free on Amazon Music.