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Ben and I are whiskey people. But there's only one that we truly love, and that's Big Nose Kate. Big Nose Kate isn't your average whiskey. Fun fact. It's named after a real life outlaw who is a fighter and a gambler and a true adventurer. And that spirit is alive in every sip. An original blend of rye and single malt. Bold and smooth. Ready for your next adventure? Head over to bignose katewhiskey.com Enter promo code Hildy and get 20% off your first order. And don't forget to follow Kate on Instagram at bignose katewhiskey to stay in touch with her wild side. Big Nose Kate Western Whiskey. Deal me in. Big Nose Kate. We love this whiskey so much. We're not just creepy fans, we're creepy investors. Hi, I'm Rashma Sajani, founder of Girls who Code. Look, I'd consider myself a pretty successful adult woman. I've written books, founded two successful nonprofits, and I'm raising two incredible kids. But here's the thing. I still wake up wondering, is this it? And if the best years are yet to come, when's that gonna start? Join me on my so Called Midlife, my new podcast with Lemonada Media, where we're building a playbook for navigating midlife one episode at a time. Each week, I'll chat with extraordinary guests who've transformed their midlife crisis into opportunities for growth and newfound purpose. At some point, we all ask ourselves, is there more to life? I'm here to discover how to thrive in my second act, right alongside you. My so Called Midlife is out now, wherever you get your podcasts. Lemonade. Hi, this is Glenn Close, and today feels better. I suppose it's. I don't know. It's like when you've had a horrible hangover and the next day you feel renewed. This whole experience has felt like an awful hangover. Not to get too deep into my stuff because, oh, my God, is that boring. But knowing that this is the last episode fills me with such peace and joy. So, for the last time, the Golgoroth alliance is proud to present Hildi the Barback and the Lake of Fire. Wait, what? There are more episodes? Oh, God. Oh, fuck. Oh, well. This present, this presentation is brought to you by Theater of the Mind. Chapter seven, the completion of the Middle of the Ending. The penultimate climactic battle to save Golgorath. This episode is everything that episode four didn't have. We're talking sword fights, dragons, magic, betrayal, and what did episode four give you, I don't know, a centaur? A few songs, an angry dryad? Hacky Hacky Hackersons. Trust me, this is the episode you've been waiting for. My name is Hildy. I am a bar back at a medieval pub with peasants galore and piss on the floor. But I long for something more. We are in Paris from the evil One whose soul desires to turn my shire into a lake of fire. The men folks say they'll protect me, but they would fuck up a cup of coffee. It's got to be me. I must set us all free. It's my destiny. My name is Hildy. And unfortunately we join Hildy and her friends now as they stand bravely on the battlefield, leading a small army of elves, centaurs and giants. Across the battlefield, in front of Ugral's fortress, an enormous horde of evil Morlith soldiers growl menacingly, readying themselves for battle. The soldiers for the cause of good. See the evil before them and their knees tremble, their hearts quicken and their breath smells like trash. By the limbs of Balfoa. Look at the size of her girl's army girdle. It's 10 times the size of ours. That just means more skulls to Warhammer for me, best friend. If we stick to Hildy's plan, we'll get through this. I'm not so sure. They have more soldiers, more weapons, and at least one dragon. Many of us will perish today. Otto speaks the truth. There shall be bodies as far as the eye can see, piled up like sacks of horseshoes. Fennec, can you please stop talking about piles and piles of bodies? You're making the elves nervous. Untrue, Hildia Mervale. We elves don't get nervous. We rarely feel anything in those snow that you would recognize aside from sexual arousal. However, King Freiman, I don't feel sexually aroused at the moment. Isn't that peculiar? As do I. Nod, King Fireman. Very strange. Perhaps this is our version of fear. No boner in sight. The lack of sexual arousal. I'm just gonna pretend I didn't hear any of that. Oh no. I do remember not feeling sexually aroused when looking at you. Hildy, look at our soldiers. Everyone looks nervous. Scared. People of Golgorath. I am Hildy of Merval. Only weeks ago I was just a barback at a small tavern. That job is also known as a bar wench. Shut up, Fennec. I was a barback. But today I am aware. Like you risking my life and the lives of my friends to defend our land from total destruction. Yrgaral, the horned one, believes that he's already won this war. We will defeat evil. We will save our lands. We will be triumphant. Hildy, where in Tanger's tulip did that come from? I don't know. I don't know. I thought I should say something and then I just kind of blacked out. Was it a. Was it all right? Oh, my God, Hildy. It was perfect, mate. I am so incredibly ready to decimate skulls now. People of Golgoroth. I am also from Muir Vale, Phoenix. But I own the tavern in our town, and my sister works for me. Be quiet. That's right. I'm her boss. I'm also a great and powerful warrior. Fennec. Get down or I'll warhammer your ass. Golgorith. Go. Go. Wrath. This is a part where we all chant together, okay? No. Nobody's gonna chant with you, Fennec. Why is anyone chanting? Ow. Why are you pulling off me? Off a horse? This is madness. Make a huge noise for Fennec. Shut up, Fennec. Ow. Moments before this moment. Really? Across the battlefield, Orgraal observes Hildy's rousing speech from atop his fortress wall. Who in the fiery fuck is that? Probably one of my many lovers begging for my sexual parts again, Drael. I told you not to speak, you muscle headed goat's ass. This whole inane war is your fault because you didn't bring me all the pieces of the Dread Ages when they were easily within your grasp. If you had, we'd be balls deep in fire already. Drith. Who's the bossy's trumpet yelling at the elves? Our centaur allies have informed me that she is Hildy Hillsbury of Muirvale. Muirvale? The only thing that comes out of Muirvale is manure and scabies. Such. I got burned. Scabies. It felt good. Is she some sort of soldier or leader? Quite the opposite, your atrociousness. My spies tell me that she is a bar. Oh, great. I fucked a lot of those. Quiet, you donkey. Anai. Did you say an I? I'm assuming that is the plural of anus. You assume correctly. Thank you. So I'm like two donkey anuses. God damn it. That's way worse. Fuck. Well, whoever this woman is, the soldiers are listening to her like she's the queen of Golgoroth. I mean, she does seem to have a very relatable charisma. A hero of the working people quality. I Guess let me know when you're done massaging her lady parts dress. No, I would never. Well, good, because I want to make an announcement immediately. Sire, we must speak through the Horn of Fear. I love using this magically delicious bad boy. Soldiers of Shah Adu Ur Gr, the Horn One demands your docile and worthless attention. Oh, God, that felt good. Whoever brings me the head of Hildy Hillsbury will get three jars of my homemade gillyberry jam as a winter festival gift. Sire. Perhaps a personal note along with the preserves. And a note stating my thanks, but I'm not citing it. Drith, do you want to know the secret ingredient in my gillyberry jam? Is it the blood of your enemies? I didn't ask you. I asked Drith. Okay, well, that was the answer. Right now, you got lucky. Before the Pandemonium really starts, I want to send a message of terror and dread to that hussy and her elf army, but I want it to be original. Ah. I've already loaded up 25 human heads into a catapult, but I feel you want something a little more brazen. You know me so well. I do. How do you feel about human spines? Ooh. Go on. I have 50 fresh human spines loaded into one of my new trebuchets. We could fire those over the wall, and I'm certain they would be horrified. I like it. But they might also be confused. I'm trying to think how I would feel if I saw a human spine flying at me. Hmm. What if we. Now, I'm just spitballing here. Do both. Heads and spines? Yes. Flying in from two different directions. Which head belongs to which spine? It's impossible to know. It will seem like a nightmare come true. What do you think? I don't use the word genius lightly, Drith, but I'm a genius for keeping you on my staff. Heads and spines approved. Delightful. Drael, head to the turret. Your mother awaits you. Your mission will be to des. Wait. Mom's here. Mom? Me? Drael. Hey, Mom. Meanwhile, Hildy looks bravely at the endless army of morliths on the battlefield before her. Come on then, you idiotic horde of evil bastards. Come for us if you dare. If we're going to battle, then let us begin. You'll see that our blades have bite. Release the catapult. Oh, I see something coming our way with my keen elven eyes. Look out. Oh, please do tell me what it is. My horse eyes are not all that great. Ow. Oh, something just hit me in the chest. What is it, Otto? Oh, no. How horrible. It is a human head. It is indeed a deluge of severed human heads. Take cover. Ah. Oh my God. Something just hit me. Something just landed on me. What is it? Is it growth? Should I look? It looks like a very long lizard's tail. What do they have against lizards? The heads are indeed dreadful and terrifying. But I do feel as though I've seen these volleyed in battles before. Yes. I feel unsettled but not terrified. That can't be the effect they were going for. I just don't know why they're sending eel skeletons or whatever. These are over in their volleys as well. I don't get the combo. What you are being terrifyingly pelted with are human spines. What? What are human pines? This is confusing. There's nothing confusing about this at all. You are being pelted with human heads and human spines. Why? Boo. It just feels like a hat on a hat. Think of the pain and the horror that they went through. We removed every single spine while they were still alive. You don't have to keep explaining it. I think they did. I had to explain. No, I mean. But explaining it takes away the punch, I think. Well, agree to disagree. Just leave it. No, I can't leave it be. This was a plan that we both were very excited about. I don't know who this bitch is that thinks they're eel skeleton. That was fun. What kind of Guess in what world the first thing she thought of was an eel skeleton. And who knows if they even have one. Okay. Let the last battle of gold glass begin. Dareth. Why aren't they starting? I have no idea. Maybe they're still wondering what the fuck we're throwing at them. I think there are two kinds of fun. There's the kind of fun that is filled with laughter and great stories. And then there's the kind of fun that makes you want to erase any photo evidence. When I want more of the former kind of fun and less of the latter kind, I reach for hop water. Hop water is a sparkling non alcoholic hop water packed with adaptogens and nootropics that is refreshing and delicious. They have a bunch of flavors to choose from, but blood orange is my favorite. It is vibrant and crisp and has this festive zing that makes it feel special without any of the baggage. Even when everyone else has their cocktails in hand. I don't feel like I'm missing anything when I've got hop water. No bloating feeling, no hangover. Just a delicious feel good beverage that's light and satisfying. Hop water, spelled H, O, P, W, T, R, is made with a unique blend of hops for that bold, citrusy, and piney flavor that I love. And somehow it's also calorie free, carb free and sugar free. I can't get enough of hop water. You need to try it. And they have some amazing deals right now for the holidays. Go to my exclusive URL to get the best discount today. Hopwater.com Hildy don't wait. Order now@hopwtr.com Hildy that's hopwtr.com Hildy Drael, now perched atop his mother dragon. Here's the horn. Blow the call of war. You heard Ergie's horn, Mother. It's time to slay enemies and eat sunflower seeds. And I'm all out of sunflower seeds. Bam. I hate you so much. What's that, Mom? Nothing. All right, then. Let's do this. To battle. One thing, though. They need to go first. What? No, they don't. Let's just. We can go first. Let's just fly down there and fry their asses. Mom, let me remind you, I am the most ancient, vicious dragon in the history of Golgoroth. Driel, if I start a war, it feels tawdry, vulgar. No one will write songs about how Gorwon killed a whole army in one pass while they were still putting on their helmets. Make them go first. If they start the war, I guarantee I'll finish it. Okay. All right. Well. Hey, beer lady, why don't you go ahead and start the war? Heed my warning. Drell. We did not start this war, but we will finish it. Okay? My name is pronounced Draw. Pause L. And just go Start it. Go, go, go, go. Where do you start? You're the one on the fucking dragon. Just start the war. Fire arrows or charge a fortress. Just do something, you stupid bunch of goat testicles. Heard of this? Feels odd, right? Quite odd. You never read in the ancient scrolls about who goes first in these battles? Maybe it's a tactic, Mirabel. They're trying to test our resolve. Or our strategy. Perhaps we should wait them out. Y'all could suck eggs. I'll start this party right now. And with that, Finnick Hillsbury throws a spear that is much too heavy for him to throw. It travels a meager 13ft, but that is all it takes to begin the final battle of Golgorath. You come, you save to the heaven you know you must face the world for now all now. He's come about o'ro Darkness has come. Bloods out the sons of the. This is the point where you stomp handle toys. Skulls will be, spits will be. Throats will be. Slits will be A sandwich you're eating is made out of sugar. We must fight for gold or fight for your freedom. And fight for your life. Mommy. Thrust with your saber and stab with your high shit might. We must be cold and we. We have to betray diarrhea for we are bound for the brave of this bulge. Gold, Karima. We must fight for gold. We are truly. Remember, whoever kills Hildy Hillsberry gets the gillyberry jam. Sire. Does it seem strange that the barmaid is barely doing anything? She's not stabbing or slicing. She's just standing there in the middle of the battlefield, protected by soldiers. Not brave. I had her. Pector's brave. It's probably her first war. People do crazy things in the fray of battle. I once pooped myself. No, it was true. Was 12. A cave troll rushed towards me and a little poop came out. I had poop in my tiny armor the entire battle. I so appreciate you sharing that with me. That's so vulnerable. She really isn't doing much, is she? After that speech, I thought she'd be fighting like a Vantarian devil cat. I don't want to say it's suspicious, but it certainly raises suspicions. For once that Weasley little monster Drith was correct. Hildy was acting suspicious because moments before the battle actually began, Mirabelle had gathered her friends together for a magical switcheroo. Thanks, Mirabelle. I know this trick is a bit beneath you now that you're an all powerful magic master, but you can just say Sorcerer Hildy and it's your plan, so I'm happy to help however I can, mate. And it's true. If you are going to sneak into Urgraal's fortress to steal all the other parts of the Dread Aegis, looking like yourself would be bad. Yeah, especially after your big speech. Great speech by the way, best friend. Urgraal's army will be focusing all of their attention on killing you specifically. But since you shall soon be face swapping with Purta, then they'll be focused on killing me. Wait, why am I agreeing to this? Hildi, I don't think I love your plan anymore. Me and my warhammer won't let anything happen to you, Purta, no matter whose face you are wearing. Just stand in the middle of the battle and no one will get close to you. Okay, so whose face am I swapping with Maybe one of those handsome elves with the long braided hair and those muscles in their neck that flex when they chew food. I'm not swapping your face, Fennec. No one sees you as a threat. Being yourself is the best disguise you could have. That may be true, but do you know what I do have? Please don't say a magical Bag of Holding. Magical Bag of Holding? Yes. We've been through this. That's the only reason you're coming with me. The bag is magical, bound to you and you alone. Only you can put things in the bag and only you can take things out. We get it. Wait, is that how it works? Wha. Yes, mate. You're actually the one who told us how it works. Hildi, once you've found the helm, the boots, the sword and the gauntlet, getting them out of the fortress will be almost impossible. But if you put them all in the Magical Bag of Holding. Aha. Then they can't be used by anyone to complete the Dread Ages. Precisely. You're right. I'm going to check with the Elf Kings, see how much time we have. I'll be back. Remember, the second you're face swapped, move towards the hidden entrance to the castle. And when the battle begins, use the keys to open the door and get inside. You can do this, best friend. You're going to save us all? Sure. It's magic time, Mirabel. Do your thing. May Hildy's face and the face on Purder's face hereby replace. Oh, that's. That feels weird. Wow, Hildy, you really do need to use more conditioner. Does your scalp always feel this itchy? Do you think we could do this at another time? Right. Right. Of course. Our heroes hear the sounds of the Horn of War. As the Morphs charge forth on the battlefield, their heavy footsteps fall like the drums of death. That sounds like the war is starting. I have been very fortunate to call you best friend, Hildy. As have I, dear. Go, my friends. Good luck and Godspeed. When this is over, drinks are on me at the Shady Cockroll. Why is it I get in trouble when I say that? Suck it, Fennec. Then please try to keep yourself alive, Gerd. Keep Purdah safe. War Hammer. Mirabel, don't be shy with those wizard fireballs, okay? Oh, I won't be, mate. I'm going to use every bit of my newfound power and those assholes over there aren't going to like it one bit. That's what I like to hear, Mirabel. Kick a lot of ass. We gotta get into formation. The first wave of mortalists is almost here. Good fortune to us all for Go Guerrero. And with that, the Fellowship parts ways again. Hildy and Finnick are off to infiltrate Ural's fortress to steal the dread Aegis. Meanwhile, everyone else gathers at the battle lines to fight Orgral's Morith army. Listen, I'm Team Hildy on this, but there's no way they're going to pull this off. We have two dogs, Betty and Harper, and having them in the house is the best. They're always happy to see you, they make your blood pressure go down, and they're just hilarious. Watching an 80 pound golden retriever play tug of war with a 40 pound golden retriever is comedy gold. But feeding them, that's no laughing matter. You'd think picking the right food would be easy, but the truth is, a lot of the options on the pet store shelves are filled with things no dog really needs, like ultra processed ingredients, low protein, and more carbs than a donut shop. That's why our household has made the switch to Maeve. Raw food for dogs. Maeve is unlike any other dog food. It's raw, unprocessed, and packed with real human grade ingredients that you've actually heard of. Things like USDA beef, chicken breasts, kale, zucchini, green beans and blueberries. And there's never any fillers or preservatives. No mystery ingredients at all. Just real food that supports real health. And since switching to Maeve, the change in Betty and Harper has been incredible. In just a few weeks, we've seen a real transformation. Their coats are softer, their energy is through the roof, and there is a very, very big improvement in overall breath quality. Sorry, Harper, but it's true. Now I don't have to point their little faces the other way when we want to cuddle with Maeve. I know that I'm giving them exactly what they need to keep their digestion and their mobility and their skin in tip top shape. No more vet recommended kibble. Loaded with unnecessary ingredients. Just the right balance of protein and nutrients to keep them at their best. And Mave is so convenient. No more messy meal prep or thawing ingredients. You just rip open a bag, pour and serve. The food goes straight from the freezer to bowl, and Betty and Harper devour it like it's the first meal they've had in a month. Honestly, it's a joy to see them so excited at mealtime. I know I'm giving them a diet that supports long term health. And that's all I can really ask for. If you've got a picky eater, a dog struggling with shedding, or with weight issues, Maeve is the answer. In fact, most owners see a positive result within 28 days, from improved energy and better digestion to healthier skin and shinier coats. Make the switch to raw today. Right now, Maeve is offering 20% off your first order@meetmave.com Hildy that's spelled M A E V. Go to meetmaeve.com Hildy to receive 20 off your first order. That's meet M E E T M A E V.com Hildy I have to say, making a show like Hildy, the Bar Back and the Lake of Fire is a lot of fun. I mean, I get to work with my husband, my friends, even my two girls, and we're all trying to make each other laugh, which is the best. I mean, that's not a bad day at the office, but it's also a lot of work. And at the end of a day when I want to unwind a little bit, I like another kind of fun mobile games. And in particular, lovetoplay.com lovetoplay.com is like having the biggest casino in the world strangely fit right into your phone. There's a huge selection of games, and the best part, you don't have to play alone. You can jump in with other players or challenge your friends. Sometimes a little competition is the best way to relax. And every time you play, there are exclusive bonuses and rewards waiting for you. So tonight, while you're unwinding, take a look at www.lovetoplay.com. listeners of our show can get your first 50 spins for free using the promo code. Hildy, that's lovelove2p l a y.com find excitement in every day with love to play on the battle line. King Freiman and King Thymond command the Elven army to attack. The Centaurs, led by Queen Knesset and King Bronwyn, charge forward with giant spears. The clash of weapons and armor is intense. And as so happens in war, there is only one true winner, and his name is Death. Warhammer. Warhammer. Warhammer. Gerd, you don't have to shout it every time. I've tried doing it without Warhammer and I don't get the result I'm looking for. Warhammer. Fair enough. Short sword. Short sword. I think I see what you mean. It truly helps. Yes, but you sound annoying when you do it. No. Look to the skies, my friends. It's death from above. These are our final moments in Golgorath. No. Otto is being a little dramatic, of course. But in his defense, a giant ancient dragon, Gorwon the Gruesome, is swooping down from the castle walls and getting ready to incinerate them all on Goron's back. Drael is pumping his hands and having a great time because he's a living, breathing pig. Samus. Let's get those elf bastards. Mama. Clambo. Their stupid pornography ears. It's pronounced flambe trial. This is the last time I'm telling you. Nobody cares. Make them on fire. What the hell? What the hell? Why aren't they running around with flames shooting out of the tops of their heads and at their butts? They should be on fire. There's a magical shield over their entire army. That means they have a sorcerer. What? You're damn right they have a sorcerer. And I'm pretty impressed. I could make that large of a shield. And without even wielding the Helm of Magic. Maybe you should press your luck and roast that big lizard. Good idea. Lightning. Magical lightning shoots from Mirabel's hands towards Gorwon the Gruesome. Uh, mom, there's lightning heading our way. Shut the fuck up. You don't think I can see that? Hold on. Wow. Oh boy. Did your girl ever mention to you that they might have a powerful sorcerer? I don't know, Mom. Look, Uncle Ergie talks a lot. It's so boring and so raspy, but that lightning was intense, huh, Mama? Stop calling me mama. Everyone knows having kids has its challenges, but it's especially challenging when you're a thousand year old dragon and your kid is a muscled up bucket of vomit. Let's leave the field of battle down and join Hildy and Finnick as they sneak and creep their way into the impenetrable fortress. I mean, they have keys to a side door, so I don't know how impenetrable it is. I'm trying to add some tension here. Just cut me some slack, okay? Okay. It's not. No, it's untri. It's not this one. Why are there so many keys? Why didn't P just give me the one key that we need? I feel like a custodian. Yeah, but from the sound of it, PTA earned those extra keys, you know what I'm saying? Ew, no, Fennec, what are you saying? It's just Perta probably like touched the guy's leg or his pants and then after that I don't really know. Just could you try for once to not be grotesque? It's easier to take your advice when you look like Perta. Oh, I got it. Finally. Okay, the rest of the way, you have to shut that big flapping mouth of yours. Don't say another word until we escape or die. Just nod if you understand. I understand. I also know exactly what I'm gonna say when I die. I've had it figured out for a really long time. That's wonderful. Now it really, really is quiet time. Don't you want to know what it is at this exact moment? Brother, I do not care. You will love it. Are you sure you don't want to know? Stop talking. Absolutely. It's really funny, though. I will tell you later. Shut up. Meanwhile, deep within that very same fortress, DH Is rushing through the halls. He has lost track of Orgral and is panicking because if he isn't constantly sucking up to his boss, he really doesn't know what to do with himself. Sire. Your wretchedness. Ur Groll. The horned one. Where art thou? Shut this door. I just oiled it. Why are you interrupting me? Poisoned apples, sire. Where have you been? Well, I'm trying on victory outfits, if you must know. Drift first. I was thinking full armor. You know, the shiny rose gold one with the helmet. But it seemed too theatrical. And rose gold is so last season. So I switched to the black leather bloodstained tunic. Why do you not seem interested at all? Why am I talking when you're not paying attention? I am, your dreadfulness. But we have a dilemma. We are not winning the war in the way in which. I don't want to say this. Just speak the truth. We are losing the war, Molly. What? That's not possible. I planned it all myself. We have a fucking dragon. The entire battlefield should be in flames by now. It's not, sire. They have a sorcerer. A good one. What? Since when? How am I supposed to know? Well, aren't you clairvoyant or telepathic or something? What? Not in the least. I mean, I'm an empath. I mean, I take on people's feelings. I feel too much. I wonder where I got that. Well, I guess now is the time for the centaurs to betray their allies and turn the tides of battle in our direction. A query, your majesty. You went to all the trouble of magically changing the constellations to dupe the centaurs and adjoining you. So why didn't you just have them double cross everyone at the beginning of the battle instead of now? The short answer is That I don't want a bunch of centaurs in my fortress. Their hooves smell like wet shit and King Bronwyn tells the worst stories. And somehow he's always so charming and what the fuck ever. Fuck him. Fuck him to death. Haha. So you were hoping we could win the war without them so you could destroy the centaur's homeland and be done with them? Exactly. Okay. But between you and me, I'm gonna destroy their homeland anyway. Wicked. Sire. Why would I expect anything less? To the fortress walls. Let's settle this war right now. As our villainous duo march up the castle staircase towards the throne room, we join another duo. Hildy and Finnick. They are surreptitiously walking up the same staircase, but numerous flights below. For they're coming from deep in the bowels of the castle. Fennec is breathing hard after walking so many steps in a row. Really, really hard. Oh God. Not so loud, Fennec. Why are there so many steps? It's a castle. Castles have steps. Okay, okay. Just leave me here to die. You go, Hugo. Hugo. Save everyone. You're not gonna die, you bloated bag of gas. I would guess that the throne room will be where they keep the Dread Ages. Throne rooms are towards the top of the castles. Correct. Up. Up, more. More stairs. God, if you didn't have that magic bag of yours, I would toss you down the stairs. And I would relish in every broken bone and shattered hip that I heard. But since that opportunity has not availed itself to me. Get the fuck up and move. Okay, okay. And up those very exhausting stairs, across the throne room and out on the ornate evil balcony, Urgrall and Drif look out upon the death and blood that cover the raging battlefield. Will you look at that Drift? So much blood and mayhem. So much blood. Nummy, nummy, nummy, yummy, yummy, yummy. I know. I know a problem. Well, you do you. And for me, I would give anything to be down there in the middle of that. Stabbing a stupid elf in the face. Oh, I can arrange to get you down there, sire. I was being rhetorical, Drift. Clearly I'm too valuable to our cause to risk being poked in the eye by some shit beards. Lance, send the centaurs the message. And how would you like me to accomplish that? With your telepathy? Just tell Queen Knessa and King Bronwyn to sell out. Double cross. Just like the plan. I do not have telepathy. Your Highness, we just discussed this moments ago. So without telepathy, how Are we signaling the centaurs? I had this banner painted. I thought it might prove useful. This Candace. So unwieldy. Hold on, hold on. Oh, I see it now. I see the top of it. That's nice. The painting of the centaur looks lifelike. Yes, my friend Joshua painted. He's brilliant. A textile artist. So it shows the centaurs, then the constellation that tricked them into treachery, then them attacking elves with their heads cut off. And here's you wearing the Dread Ages. And here's all Golgoroth on fire drift. I feel like a real about what I said to you prior to this banner being unfurled. Oh, it's okay. In fact, you do an acceptable job servicing my needs. Acceptable. That means the world to me, sire. Thank you. Acceptable. Those are the words you always want to hear that you're acceptable. You keep saying it. And after a pause as well. I mean that's. That's like bucket list. I hope to be called acceptable one day, but with a pause like you are. Pause. Acceptable. I think I definitely get your voice. Shall I display this on the battlements? Yes. Let us turn the tides of this war. The banner is unfurled on the castle walls and the centaurs gaze upon its parchment. The results are as immediate as they are tragic. Wait. The centaurs are attacking us? They are supposed to be on our side. Not anymore. King Diamond. Feel the might of my furious hooves. It was always fore cold. I would die by hooves. Oh no. You've killed King Fireburn. Murderous Bronwyn, King of the centaurs. You've killed my love. Now we fight to the death. Feel the sting of elvish rage. I am slain. Nay. At least I have avenged you, my love. Before my life is taken on this battlefield as well as a grief stricken King Freyman sees the impossible odds facing his army. Hildy and Finnick are running out of time. They are at the door to the throne room. They open it quietly as Drith watches the double crossing centaurs turn the tide of the battle from the balcony. Yes, the centaurs have turned on their allies. King Thymon is dead. Kanessa is spraying blood with her traitorous hooves. The elven army is in disarray. The day is ours. Yes, my blood sucking comrade. The elves have learned an important lesson today. Urgrall the horned one. Never lose us. A lesson our two uninvited guests are about to learn. Oh crap. That's as quiet as I can be. Intruders. Oh really? Are there intruders? Truth. Come on, man, you couldn't hear that overstuffed buffalo breathing like he was giving birth to a keg of wine. That is exactly how you sound, Fennec. It actually is. I don't understand, your majesty. Hilda Hillsbury is on that battlefield as we speak. This woman does not look like her, but she speaks with her voice. Oh, shit. I'm guessing her sorcerer friend did a simplistic little face swap, then her and her dumpy meal sack of a friend here snuck up the back stairs to steal our pieces of the Dread Ages. That guy is so good at guessing. I admire the plan, actually. It had a million and one chance of working, but it was bowed. Unfortunately for you both, I keep the sword of power on my person at all times. The sword obeys my will. I summon the fire blade. I don't like the fire blade. Of course you don't, shit sack. And in the next 30 seconds, I'm going to throw your lifeless bodies over the wall and end this so called war of Golgoth. Don't be so sure. We still have a few tricks up our sleeve, you evil pilot dung. Yeah, Are you bluffing, Hildy? Fennec, you never asked a person who's on your side who definitely isn't bluffing. If she's bluffing, she's bluffing. Kill them, sire. Oh man. Sorry, it's got to be me. I must set us all free. It's my destiny. My name is Hildy. And unfortunately, there's a lady Pop Fire. My name is Hildy the Far Back. Why, hello there. This is your pal Sarah Silverman. You know, the standup comic that's not afraid of a diarrhea joke. Oh my God, I'm brave. I hope you're enjoying this podcast that you're listening to. I am just dropping in here to let you know about another podcast I think you'd like. And it's called the Sarah Silverman Podcast. Each week, listeners from all over the world call in and they ask me for advice or they talk about something going on in their life. Anything. Their silliest, grossest, deepest, darkest situations. And then I respond, whether I'm qualified to or not. Go ahead, search for the Sarah Silverman Podcast wherever you get your podcasts. Bye. People love to pretend that there are simple formulas for living your best life. Now eat this and you won't get sick. Manifest it and everything will work out. But there are some things you can choose and some things you can't. And it's okay that life isn't always getting better. I'm Kate Bowler, and on Everything Happens, I speak with kind, smart, funny people about life as it really is. Beautiful, terrible, and everything in between. Let's be human together. Everything Happens is available wherever you get your podcasts.