The End of the Beginning

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire – Episode: The End of the Beginning"

Presented by Ben Falcone and Steve Mallory

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Introduction

In the thrilling episode titled "The End of the Beginning" from the podcast "Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire," hosts Ben Falcone and Steve Mallory immerse listeners in a fantastical world teeming with humor, adventure, and dragons. This episode propels Hildy, a steadfast barback at a medieval pub, and her eclectic group of friends into a perilous quest to save the land of Golgorath from an impending doom—a lake of fire unleashed by an evil antagonist.

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Plot Overview

The Rising Threat

The episode kicks off with the menacing figure of Dirith, Hildy's advisor, revealing that he has acquired two of the five relics necessary to enact his dark plan: the Sword of Fire and the Gauntlet of Might. His intention is clear—to engulf Golgorath in flames.

Dirith (00:43): "I will turn all of Golgorath into a lake of fire."

However, Dirith's ambitions face resistance from Reshma Sajani, whose character embodies resilience and wit. Reshma challenges Dirith's plans, highlighting the personal and communal stakes involved.

The Assembly of Heroes

In response to Dirith’s threat, Hildy takes it upon herself to prevent the catastrophe. She gathers her companions, including Lag, the silent Large Armored Guard, and pledges to find the remaining relics: the Helm of Magic and the Boots of Destiny. The quest is fraught with challenges, as they must navigate treacherous terrains and confront formidable foes.

Hildy (02:02): "It's got to be me. I must set us all free."

Confrontations and Conflicts

As the group ventures west towards the River Glyph and the Plains of Gargol, they encounter Centaur warriors led by Queen Canessa and Duke Bronwyn. A fierce battle ensues, showcasing Hildy's leadership and combat prowess. The encounter leads to significant character development, especially for Lag, whose backstory reveals a childhood fear of water that he has overcome through relentless training.

Lag (21:14): "I became perhaps the fiercest fighter in all of Thal to overcome my fears."

Despite their valor, the heroes find themselves outnumbered and cornered, prompting a strategic retreat to the Bridge of Destiny. This pivotal moment underscores the high stakes and the dire consequences should they fail in their mission.

Twists and Tribulations

The plot thickens as celestial phenomena signal the intensifying threat posed by Ugrall, hinting at the spread of evil beyond immediate conflicts. The heroes face internal discord and external pressures, testing their unity and resolve.

Queen Canessa (31:53): "Do you think it is difficult for us to so easily embody both physical and spiritual perfection?"

Amidst the chaos, unexpected alliances and betrayals surface, adding layers of complexity to the narrative. The group's dynamics are further strained by personal conflicts and the relentless pursuit of their quest.

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Character Insights

• Hildy: A determined and resourceful protagonist whose commitment to her homeland drives the narrative forward. Her interactions reveal a blend of humor and heroism, making her a relatable and inspiring figure.

• Reshma Sajani: Portrayed with sharp wit, Reshma serves as both a strategist and a moral compass for the group. Her dialogues often infuse humor, balancing the intense moments with levity.

• Dirith: The primary antagonist whose ambition threatens the very existence of Golgorath. His ruthless pursuit of power contrasts sharply with the heroes' altruistic motives.

• Lag (Large Armored Guard): A silent yet formidable presence, Lag's backstory adds depth to his character, highlighting themes of overcoming personal fears and the burdens of leadership.

• Queen Canessa and Duke Bronwyn: Representing the Centaur race, their initial confrontations with the heroes set the stage for potential alliances and conflicts that could shape the unfolding saga.

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Notable Quotes

• Hildy:

  "I must set us all free." ([02:02])

• Dirith:

  "I will turn all of Golgorath into a lake of fire." ([00:43])

• Lag:

  "I became perhaps the fiercest fighter in all of Thal to overcome my fears." ([21:14])

• Queen Canessa:

  "Do you think it is difficult for us to so easily embody both physical and spiritual perfection?" ([31:53])

• Reshma Sajani:

  "I have to tell you, Otto, I didn’t do anything. You're a garbage human being." ([25:49])

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Themes and Insights

"The End of the Beginning" delves into themes of heroism, sacrifice, and the battle between good and evil. The episode masterfully balances intense action sequences with moments of humor and character-driven dialogue, creating an engaging and multifaceted narrative.

• Leadership and Responsibility: Hildy's ascent as a leader underscores the burdens and responsibilities that come with safeguarding one's community.

• Overcoming Personal Demons: Characters like Lag exemplify the journey of confronting and overcoming personal fears, a universal theme that resonates deeply.

• Unity and Diversity: The diverse group of heroes, each with unique backgrounds and skills, highlights the strength found in unity despite differences.

• Moral Ambiguity: The interactions between heroes and antagonists often blur the lines between right and wrong, inviting listeners to ponder the complexities of morality in the face of adversity.

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Conclusion

"The End of the Beginning" serves as a compelling installment in the "Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire" series, setting the stage for epic confrontations and character evolution. Ben Falcone and Steve Mallory skillfully blend humor with high-stakes fantasy, crafting a narrative that is both entertaining and thought-provoking. As Hildy and her companions navigate the treacherous path to save Golgorath, listeners are treated to a rich tapestry of adventure, camaraderie, and the timeless struggle between light and darkness.

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Listeners who haven't tuned in yet will find this episode a captivating blend of fantasy storytelling and comedic elements, making it a must-listen for fans of epic quests and witty dialogue.

Transcript

[Reshma Sajani]

Okay, Ben, true or false? Women's body care products are always much fancier and nicer than men's.

[Ben]

Oh, that is false.

[Reshma Sajani]

Wait, what?

[Ben]

Sorry, Mooch. It's just not true anymore. Because men have the body care brand Jack Plaque. And this episode of Hilde the Barback is sponsored by Jack Black, the grooming brand, not the actor. Jack Black offers a complete line of men's grooming products, from face cleansers to moisturizers to beard care. Whether you've got a hardcore skincare routine or are just starting out, Jack Black makes it easy to look good, feel good, and stay fresh.

[Reshma Sajani]

Oh, is that why you've been smelling like cardamom and cedarwood?

[Ben]

Yes. Yes, it is. That's just my Black Reserve body and hair cleanser.

[Reshma Sajani]

Ooh, Black Reserve. Who's this fancy guy I'm married to?

[Ben]

I'm very fancy.

[Reshma Sajani]

This holiday season, if you want simple, effective products that your significant other will love, you need Jack black head to.

[Ben]

Getjackblack.Com hildy and use code hildy for 10% off your order. Once again, that's getjackblack for 10% off. And make sure you use our promo code Hildy, so they know we sent you.

[Reshma Sajani]

Hi, I'm Reshma Sajani, founder of Girls who Code.

[Ben]

Look, I'd consider myself a pretty successful adult woman.

[Reshma Sajani]

I've written books, founded two successful nonprofits, and I'm raising two incredible kids. But here's the thing. I still wake up wondering, is this it? And if the best years are yet to come, when's that going to start? Join me on my so Called Midlife, my new podcast with Lemonada Media, where.

[Ben]

We'Re building a playbook for navigating midlife one episode at a time.

[Reshma Sajani]

Each week, I'll chat with extraordinary guests who've transformed their midlife crisis into opportunities for growth and newfound purpose. At some point, we all ask ourselves, is there more to life? I'm here to discover how to thrive.

[Ben]

In my second act, right alongside you.

[Reshma Sajani]

My so Called Midlife is out now.

[Ben]

Wherever you get your podcasts.

[Reshma Sajani]

Lemonada. This is Glenn Close. The Golgoroth alliance is proud to present Hildi the Barback and the Lake of Fire. This presentation is brought to you by Theater of the Mind. Oh, wow. Theater of the Mind. Chapter three, the end of the beginning. You should have already listened to chapters one and two. If so, you may never recover from the chills and thrills that you've received from those sacred sacraments. Whilst those chapters will live on in the annals of history. They were also complete frogship when compared to the portion of the tale upon which you are about to feast. My name is Hildy. I am a barback at a medieval pub with peasants galore and piss on the floor. Could I long for something more? We are in peril from the evil one whose soul desires to turn my shire into a lake of fire. The men folks say they'll protect me, but they would fuck up a cup of coffee. Coffee. It's got to be me. I must set us all free. It's my destiny. My name is Hildy. And unfortunately, there's a lady of fire. My name is Hildy. The Barbara in the dark and foreboding land of Shah Adu Ural is in his Dark council chambers with drift his cunning, evil and most loyal servant.

[Ben]

Now I have the first of the five relics of the Dread Ages that I will assemble in my most evil crusade. You know what? You over there, with a sly smile on your face. You've done your job of thievery, wicked elf. You may go now. Very well, my liege. Before I take my leave, I was told that by stealing the Gauntlet of Might for you, I would receive a treasure that no elf would ever dare imagine. And as I squish your pretty head with a gauntlet of might, you will know a fate that no other elf will. Because your chosen elf will now know the sweet pain of death and elf brains all over the floor. Don't worry about the cleanup. I'll take care of it. Sire, may I just say that especially when covered in magical blood, the Gauntlet of Might looks amazing on you. Are you sure you're not just saying that it doesn't make my mighty fist look a little doy? What? No, no, not at all. Very becoming. And slimming as well, thank you. I mean, obviously, you're still strong. You just crushed an elf's skull like a porcelain vase. I've been wondering why you've been looking so trim lately. Because you are looking ti. I see what you're doing, Trith. What? You're just buttering me up. And I say enough. Yes, I know you're filled with rage, most mighty one. But if you choke me much longer, I shall die and shall lose your most trusted advisor. Thank you for sparing me, almighty One. Next time, could you please give me a heads up before choking me almost to my doom? I mean, I'm mad about it. I'm just. You know, it's actually kind of titillating. Just like a heads up Okay, I get that. Now that I have the Sword of Fire and the Gauntlet of Might, I feel my powers surging. I will turn all of Golgoth into a lake of fire. Ah, yeah, about that. What? I could tell you weren't into it. Why would you interrupt my battle cry like that? Hey, no, no, no, no. Hold on. It was a very masculine and very scary battle cry, for certain. At the risk titillation of getting choked again, I have to tell you that I'm not sure about setting all of Golgoroth ablaze. You had better mind your words, mighty lord. I'm your advisor, so I'm advising. Well, stop it. No, I can't stop it. Look, watch. Stopping is easy to do. You just stop. I'm here. I am. I'm walking along. Look at me, I'm walking. I'm in town. I'm going to buy a lollipop. But I just get it. I stopped. No. Yeah, you stopped. You're not going to go get the lollipop. Exactly. You have to just listen to me for one second. No.

[Reshma Sajani]

Yes. Yes.

[Ben]

Hiss. No, I said. And I said hiss. So we're going there? Yes, we're going there. Whoa. Let me put it to you this way. If you set all of Golgoroth ablaze, that includes Elias Bakery, right? Uh, yes. What? What did you just say though? Elias Bakery. It's just Elias Bakery and it will burn. What? What? No, the man is Elias, right? He owns a bakery. So you have to say Elias's Bakery like apostrophe s. You apostrophe s is just Elias Bakery. Okay? No. Agree to disagree. Agree to disagree. Let's not do grammar talk, okay? I'm a man who hisses. So S's are different from me. Okay, I'm just saying it right? I'm gonna say Elias's Bakery and when you hear it, you know it is the bakery of Elias. Okay? The bakery of Elias will burn in the lake of Fire. Then where are we going? To get your fresh baked croissants, my most evil overlord. And your weakened bagels. Oh, and the crullers. I love his crullers like a thick, delicious sock dipped in honey and cream. He makes them Wednesdays. For all of these reasons, Elias Bakery has to be in the safe zone. No flames. And now that I think of it, we'll have to leave a non on fire path from the bakery to the castle. Unless we want to send a raven or a dragon over to pick up the bagels and other goodies. Birds are so dirty. I don't want feathers in my baked goods. And a hard pass on a dragon. Yeah. So a pathway. It must be. Now, there are many more considerations that must be made. Oh, dreadfully egregious one. I don't like the sound of this at all. You have to embrace the challenges. I want the flames. I will kill everyone, sire. Of course you will. You'll slay everyone. And I'll be there cackling and licking the wounds of the recently deceased, just like always. But for now, take a look at this map of Golgoroth and see what kind of solutions we can glean from its parchment. Dirith, I want that lake of fire to cover this entire area, and it's just not. I want the whole place. It must burn with flame. Mine. Of course. Right. All right, great. Let me just make a note of that. All right. Over here is to burn. Ooh, yes. Here is no burn. And you know what? I'm going to color code this whole thing. I'm gonna make it very organized. You know, I'm gonna do my thing, and you're just gonna look at it, and we'll. It'll be all very clear. Yeah, do what you do. I just. I have to tell you truth. I look at your map, and I appreciate the work that you put into it. Oh, my God. But I feel like almost nothing is on fire, Sire. I'm not trying to disappoint you. I'm not saying you're trying to do anything. I'm just disappointed. Your feelings are your feelings, almost, evil one. But look over here. There's a swath of flames over here, right? We're gonna eliminate the Plains of Gargoyle. Huh? Leaving nothing alive. Nothing alive. That's pretty good, I guess you gasp. Look over here. Say goodbye to Merveil and the Kingdom of Thymdal. Huh? That's a big old lake of fire. Yes, flames. And over here, more flames. Now we're cooking. Oh, my gosh. Cooking like flames. Yes, Dirith, you always know what to say. Thank you, Ritzy. We're just two guys laughing. I'm having a good time. I am, Chero.

[Reshma Sajani]

As Drith and Urgal continue screaming about flames, far away across the vast plains of Garul, King Thymond and King Freyman are saying farewell to our heroes.

[Ben]

Farewell, wonderful heroes. Hildi, we'd like to give each member of your party a gift. Perta. Oh, sweet Perta, this is for you. It's the Amulet of Light forged in the eldest light by our greatest craft Elf Lygnecia Fairlight. The Lightmaker who brings light. It's beautiful.

[Reshma Sajani]

How does one make it light up?

[Ben]

It doesn't light up.

[Reshma Sajani]

You really made it sound like a light.

[Ben]

Well, it's not a light. Whosoever wears this amulet would have fresh air when none is available. The ability to breathe underwater or find fresh air on the highest mountain peak could avail you well on your journey. I can't help but see that you look disappointed. That it's not a light? No. Good for you. We have this.

[Reshma Sajani]

My hammer. It is so shiny now.

[Ben]

Yes, it was very dirty and covered with the blood of the Fallen, so we cleaned it. Also, our finest smiths reweighted it. It shall swing more smoothly now and land on your enemy's foreheads with even more devastating power.

[Reshma Sajani]

It is perfect, my weird elf friends. I will destroy my foes mercilessly with it.

[Ben]

Oh, good. And, Mirabel, this gift is for you. It's a potion. When you open its lid, your greatest power will be revealed. But you must wait for the proper time to unlock who you truly are.

[Reshma Sajani]

Firstly, thank you. And secondly, when will that time be, my lord?

[Ben]

Honestly, you know we can't answer that. It's the exact question that we cannot answer. Ah.

[Reshma Sajani]

Okay. Well, thank you anyway for this intensely vague and quite arbitrary gift. I look forward to having no idea of what the moment is that I shall probably miss, as well as continuing to not understand fully who I truly am. Much appreciated.

[Ben]

Large armored God. We're calling him Lag for short, hoping it will catch on. But Lag, protect them well. And also, please start speaking. It's creepy when you refuse to speak. I was always told that if I speak less, my words will have greater impact. Well, I haven't heard you speak in a month, and what you just said had absolutely no impact at all. I've already forgotten it. Understood. And somehow, that was even less interesting than the thing you said before.

[Reshma Sajani]

Ben, can you think of any whiskies that are named after guys?

[Ben]

Oh, okay, a trivia question. You know I like trivia. Let's see, there's Jack, Jim, There's Johnny.

[Reshma Sajani]

Exactly. Now, can you think of it?

[Ben]

There are. I'm sorry, there's also two different Georges. Somebody else is.

[Reshma Sajani]

You're really running with this assignment here?

[Ben]

Oh, Evan and Elijah. And how much time do I have left? How did I do?

[Reshma Sajani]

I'm not actually timing you, but you did great. Now, do you know any whiskies that have women's names?

[Ben]

No. I mean, I didn't think any had a woman's name, but. Oh. Oh, well, of course you and I found Big Nose Kate.

[Reshma Sajani]

And correct me if I'm wrong, it's a really great whiskey.

[Ben]

You're not wrong. It's amazing. It's a favorite in our house.

[Reshma Sajani]

And it's such a favorite that Big Nose Kate is not only the whiskey we drink and that we love, but we've also become investors.

[Ben]

Big Nose Kate is an uncommonly delicious western whiskey whose namesake was a real outlaw on the old frontier. She was known as Doc Holliday's better half, but she was a lot more than that.

[Reshma Sajani]

Kate was a fighter, a successful gambler, and a businesswoman. She was one of those amazing characters that didn't make it into the history books and had all been forgotten until now.

[Ben]

I think that's one of the things we like so much, much about Big Nose Kate. It's a great whiskey, but it's also a tribute to the old West.

[Reshma Sajani]

Absolutely. And Kate spirit lives on in this original blend of rye and single malt. We've tried a lot of whiskies, but there's something different about Big Nose Kate. It's not just delicious, but I like that there's a story behind it.

[Ben]

It really is the perfect whiskey for someone ready to try something new.

[Reshma Sajani]

So move over, Jim, Jack and Johnny. Make some room on the shelf for a lady, will you?

[Ben]

Oh, you forgot the two Georges and Evan.

[Reshma Sajani]

I really didn't. There's just too many dudes.

[Ben]

Ready for your next adventure? Head over to bignose katewhiskey.com Enter the promo code Hildy and get 20% off your first order.

[Reshma Sajani]

And don't forget to follow Kate on Instagram at bignose Katewhiskey to stay in touch with her wild side.

[Ben]

Big Nose Kate, Western whiskey. Deal me in.

[Reshma Sajani]

I have to say, making a show like Hildy, the Barback and the Lake of Fire is a lot of fun. I mean, I get to work with my husband, my friends, even my two girls, and we're all trying to make each other laugh, which is the best. I mean, that's not a bad day at the office, but it's also a lot of work. And at the end of the day when I want to unwind a little bit, I like another kind of fun mobile games. And in particular, lovetoplay.com lovetoplay.com is like having the biggest casino in the world strangely fit right into your phone. There's a huge selection of games. And the best part, you don't have to play alone. You can jump in with other players or challenge your friends. Sometimes a little competition is the best way to relax. And every time you play, there are exclusive bonuses and rewards waiting for you. So tonight, while you're unwinding, take a look at www.lovetoplay.com. listeners of our show can get your first 50 spins for free using the promo code Hildy that's love. L o v e the number two P l a y dot com find excitement in every day with love to play. I have a lot of amazing women in my life. My mom, my sister, both my kids, half the cast of Hildy the Barbacker Women. And I think most of us would agree that being a woman is pretty fantastic. But getting older as a woman can be a little tricky. Of course there's the aches and creaks that weren't there in our 20s. And it can take a second to get going in the morning. And then there's the things we don't talk about enough. Perimenopause and menopause. That's why I like having a company like Happy Mammoth sponsor our show. They are committed to helping women with the insomnia, the hot flashes and all the other symptoms brought on by perimenopause and menopause. That's why I'm excited to try their best selling Hormone Harmony supplement, which is packed with adaptogens and herbs that support a mature woman's hormone balance. With more than 17,000 reviews singing its praises, Hormone Harmony is helping women everywhere get the support they need. For a limited time, you can get 15% off your entire first [e-mail]. just use the code Hildy at checkout.

[Ben]

Otto the Half Centaur Travel well and please give the centaurs our kindest regards. And thank you for making such thunderous love to us last night. Otto. Yes. Centaur fucking is the best. Absolutely. I had a ball.

[Reshma Sajani]

Wait a minute. You engaged in sexual congress with. With a haftar. No offense, but I don't. He doesn't even look like a centaur. He looks completely human to me. I mean, except for the hooves. Or too. What do you call them?

[Ben]

Toves Tovs.

[Reshma Sajani]

Well, whatever. You look like. You're a wonderful lover, Otto.

[Ben]

As are you, my kings.

[Reshma Sajani]

Herta, come on. You also enjoy enjoyed coupling with the beautiful kings. Sorry, Hildy, I got the offer. And you know what? No offense. This is absolute bullshit. Yeah, I'm looking right at all of you.

[Ben]

Well, one person's bullshit is another person having standards. This gift is for you, Hildy.

[Reshma Sajani]

Oh, okay. Well, okay. Thank you. Oh, such a beautiful small decanter. What's inside?

[Ben]

Great lords, it is a leave in conditioner that can really help hair look less dry and scraggly.

[Reshma Sajani]

You've gotta be fucking kidding me.

[Ben]

No, no. Not even verbally would I fuck you. And here's a mint. If you make passage through the Land of Centaurs, the Helm of Magic that you seek lies with the wizards in their island stronghold on the Isle of Magus in the Golgorathian Sea. If you make it past those dangers, which feels unlikely, completely impossible, but if you do make it, then you must get the Boots of Destiny from the Giants in their high mountain land of Kormoran. Which feels impossible. Absolutely. It'll never happen. You have five days to do this. We are assembling our Elven armies and allies and will challenge Urgrall at his very doorstep. Remember, if you fail to retrieve the Elm of Magic and Boots of Destiny and Urgrall gets them instead, then our entire army shall lie hell helpless at the feet of Orgral and all of Gorgorath shall perish in a lake of fire.

[Reshma Sajani]

Mighty kings. Is there not even a speck of hope?

[Ben]

Well, a speck, yes. But this quest shall probably crash and burn, leaving all of us on our knees begging for death. We might also be begging for death if you don't take that mint. Farewell. Farewell. Farewell.

[Reshma Sajani]

Fuck me.

[Ben]

No. Never. Wait, wait. Do I get anything? Do I have to find it for myself? Is this part of the game? Of it?

[Reshma Sajani]

Oh.

[Ben]

Is it a magical apple?

[Reshma Sajani]

Why would it be a magical apple?

[Ben]

Quests need magical apples.

[Reshma Sajani]

Everyone knows that. That's not a thing. Hey, elves are weird. Don't let this get you all beefed up.

[Ben]

Thanks, Gurd. And for your very kind words, I'd be happy to carry your equipment in my enchanted bag of holding.

[Reshma Sajani]

Your what? My enchanted bag. Where in the Seven realms did you get a bag of holdings, much less an enchanted one? Okay, just say it, okay? Say it with your d. Pumpkin face.

[Ben]

Just before he died, dad gave it to me and told me not to tell you specifically because magic relics make females faint with melancholy and hysteria.

[Reshma Sajani]

Oh, my God. I never faint. I have never fainted. You faint all the fucking time. No, like I walk into a room too quickly, you're out. Something falls off a shelf, a pillow tips over gently, you go out like you got a switch on your back.

[Ben]

I'm going to tell you exactly when I faint, okay? I only faint when I get up too quickly or If I sit down fast or sometimes when I have to run. Yes, the pillow thing. Yes, when you come in a room, but you come in too fast.

[Reshma Sajani]

You know what? Okay, everybody, just give your stuff to my mutton head brother. We will travel faster without the extra weight. With that, our heroes begin the march west towards the mighty River Glyph and the Plains of Gargle, the land where the Centaurs reign. Hildy, taking the lead, is joined by the Large Armored Guard, or Lag. Ho, ho, ho there. Large Armored Guard. Now that I know you can actually speak, how did you become the chief guard of the Elven army?

[Ben]

I was a fearful child, so my mother and father taught me how to fight to face my fears. You see, I was deathly afraid of water because I saw my uncle drown after a bloody battle with a werebear.

[Reshma Sajani]

Oh.

[Ben]

So I became perhaps the fiercest fighter in all of Thal to overcome my fears. Wow.

[Reshma Sajani]

Okay. Did your parents ever think about teaching you how to swim?

[Ben]

No, we never got around to that.

[Reshma Sajani]

Oh, well, that just seems like quite an oversight. You know, my large, large friend.

[Ben]

Please. Everyone calls me Large Armored Guard. You and all of you here, my new friends, please call me by my name. I want you all to know me. To know my name.

[Reshma Sajani]

The Large Armored Guard gathers the company and tells the traveler his name. Then, with the day's light fading, our heroes decide to make camp next to the roaring waters of the River Glithkin. As the travelers slumber, Purda is given the first watch. Ho, there. Who approaches? An arrow.

[Ben]

Centaurs.

[Reshma Sajani]

Wake up.

[Ben]

Everyone, wake up.

[Reshma Sajani]

We're under attack. Hilda, wake up. I'm awake. Jerd, arise. Grasp your mighty warhammer. I cannot. My family has a strict set of rules. Number one, do not fit on a dryad. Number two was never murder a horse. I also can do no magic against beasts of this ilk. Their magic is too old, and it's bad luck for a sorceress. You really could have let me know that information before we came to the land of the Centaurs. Grab your things, everyone. We must flee to the bridge. I know you care for the safety of your sister, but. Fennec, stop pushing me from behind. Come on.

[Ben]

I don't want to get hit by an arrow.

[Reshma Sajani]

Oh, my God. And I do. Go. You, a remarkable coward, Big brother.

[Ben]

You there. Face me in battle. I.

[Reshma Sajani]

We have no issue with you, Centaur. Leave us be.

[Ben]

I'll answer simply, nay. This will be the bridge of your death. Prepare to have your eye sockets crushed by my mighty Hooves.

[Reshma Sajani]

Wow, that is specific. I hope your hooves like the taste of my blade.

[Ben]

My hooves. My precious.

[Reshma Sajani]

More Centaurs. Join the fray. And our heroes are hopelessly outnumbered. We are hopelessly outnumbered. Keep moving.

[Ben]

I shall stand and fight. Do not test me. Centaurs. One dead Centaur. Two dead centaurs. Your hooves.

[Reshma Sajani]

The Lord armored guard has been pushed off of the bridge. Just stand up. Lag. Okay, that can't be more than three feet of water. Just even sit up.

[Ben]

Guard, help me. I'm drowning. Large armored guard, I'm throwing you down.

[Reshma Sajani]

The amulet. It will help you breathe in the water. He's not gonna catch it.

[Ben]

I did not catch it. I don't know how to catch. Where did you throw the ambulance? I knew those elves should have made it light up.

[Reshma Sajani]

Just stand up, man. He's been under for a long time.

[Ben]

I've got water in my ears.

[Reshma Sajani]

He's dead. I felt his spirit leave this realm. He died fighting for the cause of goodness. Farewell, good sir. You cannot remember his name either, can you? Was it Lawrence? Lawrence? No. He told us. I remember because he gathered us all in a circle. We all held hands and he said five times. My name is. And then he said. He said a name.

[Ben]

Whoa, whoa.

[Reshma Sajani]

Hey.

[Ben]

Centaurs. We surrender. We surrender. I offer you the lives of all of my compatriots if you grant me, my friend. Oh, no.

[Reshma Sajani]

What the fuck?

[Ben]

You are a turd, Fennec. What?

[Reshma Sajani]

You are absolute garbage. You've always been garbage, mate. You're a garbage human being. You are dung. Non friend, I'm talking about fecal dung from your backdoor bottom hole.

[Ben]

Sorry.

[Reshma Sajani]

I don't know about you, but a chic quality sweater that I can just throw on to do errands kind of makes me feel like I've got my life together. And I've taken Quince's 50100 Mongolian cashmere sweater out to lunch to pick up the kids on a couple of zooms. It's really become my go to kind of sweater. I know what you're thinking, Melissa. 50 for cashmere? Are you bananas? No, I'm not. Because Quince works directly with the best factories and skips the middleman. So you're getting premium quality without the premium price tag. And it's all 50 to 80% less than similar brands. They sent me and Ben some absolutely beautiful sweaters in moss green so we can match. I think he looks great. He tells me I look great. We make our kids tell us how great we look together, because that's just good Parenting. Get cozy in Quince's high quality wardrobe essentials. Go to quince.comhildy for free shipping on your order in 365 day returns. That's Quince Q U I N C E.comhildy to get free shipping and 365 day returns quince.comhildy spark something uncommon this holiday season with incredible handpicked gifts from Uncommon Goods. Is there anything better than giving the perfect gift? Handing somebody a beautifully wrapped box with something in it that you know they are going to love, but then sometimes they take too long to unwrap it and you're like, okay, let's go. Pick up the pace. And then you all start thinking, you know, if they knew that the gift that they were holding was from Uncommon Goods, they would not be dilly dallying. But I digress. Because Uncommon Goods scours the globe for original, handmade and absolutely remarkable things. There might be a book lover's advent calendar in that box or an adorable sweater with a picture of their own dog on it. So chop chop. Okay, rip that paper off that thing already. Best of all, when you shop at Uncommon Goods, you are supporting artists and small independent businesses. And many of their handcrafted products are made in small batches. So they are the perfect gift for the holiday season. To get 15% off your next gift, go to uncommongoods.com Hildy that's uncommongoods.com hildy For 15% off, don't miss out on this limited time offer. Uncommon Goods. We're all out of the ordinary. Surrender our heroes. Must the centaurs refuse Fennec's despicably cowardly offer. And our heroes are made captive and brought to the fire pit of destiny. There they will have their fate decided by Knessa and Bronwyn, the queen and king of the Centaurs.

[Ben]

Enough.

[Reshma Sajani]

You now stand beside the fire pit of destiny. I sense no magic in the fire pit. We didn't want to just call it a fire pit, Weisenheimer. There's nothing wrong with giving a normal thing some pizzazz.

[Ben]

That's exactly right. Kanessa. You now have audience with Queen Canessa and I. Duke Bronwyn, Duke and queen of the centaurs under the Senstars. You can't believe your eyes. The faces of angels with powerful thighs. And you hear our hooves thundering the earth. You never knew angels had so much girth. The best of the world. A boy and a girl and half of a horse. A real tour de force. Then you See us glancing and you start to dance. Our nostrils flaring. You can't stop staring. Horse rose ripple in the shimmering sun. We're Santos, baby, and we've only begun. Sometimes we kill, but tonight we stun. We're Santos, baby. Would you like a ride? Look at these arms. You could call them arm candy. Look at my haunches, are you feeling randy? My staunch haunches can launch the raunch and set off a real boner parade. The music's banging, our loins are hanging down to the ground. Down to the ground. You came here to fight, but you're dancing all night.

[Reshma Sajani]

Around and around, around and around.

[Ben]

Horse goes ripp the shimmery sun. We're Santa's baby and we've only begun. Sometimes we kill, but tonight we stun. We're Santos, baby. Would you like a ride? You foolish humans are so lucky to be in our presence. Drink us in like delicious wine which you could never hope to afford. I'll just have the water. Can you imagine?

[Reshma Sajani]

Is it free?

[Ben]

Silence.

[Reshma Sajani]

Before we decide your fate, dirty travelers, you must answer a query for us.

[Ben]

And do not lie to us. For I, Duke Bronwyn, can smell the rot of untruth which oozes from the human Gabriel.

[Reshma Sajani]

My mouth might be difficult to decipher. I just ate a rancid sandwich. Well, that's gross. But it doesn't matter. Because I, Queen Kinessa, can also see the unseen thoughts which you believe you can hide from me with your mind.

[Ben]

I wasn't sure if that was a laughing moment.

[Reshma Sajani]

If you can indeed do that, mighty queen, then does it matter what we say at all?

[Ben]

It would stand to reason that if you can see inside our minds, that.

[Reshma Sajani]

We might as well not talk at all. Silence. It doesn't work exactly that way. It works a different way. Here is the question, and, yes, you must answer. Do you think it is difficult for us to so easily embody both physical and spiritual perfection? If I may, mighty centaurs, we are getting off track. We are on a deadly quest. There is an evil growing across our land, and we have no time to waste. We beg you for safe passage. Boring. Feel my gaze. Look at my intelligence. You can't look at intelligence.

[Ben]

Maybe you're just not cunning enough to see her mighty intelligence. Silence.

[Reshma Sajani]

How dare you say that?

[Ben]

Only a mighty centaur can yell silence. In a mighty centaur home. I can say silence because I am a centaur. So.

[Reshma Sajani]

Silence.

[Ben]

Sorry, by the way, I didn't want to have to do that.

[Reshma Sajani]

How can you be a centaur you look to be an abnormally beautiful human man wearing no shirt.

[Ben]

There is no horse in you.

[Reshma Sajani]

No horse at all.

[Ben]

How dare you. I am going to remove my very large boots so you can see. Buckle for yourselves. I am Otto Equestus of Clan Equestus, defenders of the rutted glade and first among the silver stable God. Your feet are exquisite.

[Reshma Sajani]

Each horse foot possesses ten toes surrounding a beautiful hoof.

[Ben]

You truly are a fabled Haftor Auto.

[Reshma Sajani]

Equestus, the most legendary centaur of us all. I thought they only existed in legend.

[Ben]

As is my birthright. I demand safe passage from my friends and I across the plains of Gargol.

[Reshma Sajani]

Wonderful.

[Ben]

Wonderful.

[Reshma Sajani]

It seems we must now have a change of plans. Bronwyn, my husband and most noble duke. Wait, I thought you were brother and sister.

[Ben]

Yes, we are. We are also married.

[Reshma Sajani]

Uh, wow.

[Ben]

But lo.

[Reshma Sajani]

Indeed, the stars themselves told us to capture this group.

[Ben]

And the stars themselves led us to.

[Reshma Sajani]

This glorious otter Equestus of myth and legend. And the stars are now telling me that we must let you go on your own. Pa.

[Ben]

I'd love to at least trample that one over there with my mighty hooves. Oh God.

[Reshma Sajani]

It's gonna be you, Fennec.

[Ben]

What?

[Reshma Sajani]

Yeah, I just think it's the way you carry yourself.

[Ben]

That one, the dull looking fellow. It's like his face is a magnet for my hooves. God, why is it always me? I didn't do anything.

[Reshma Sajani]

Okay, Can I just. Can I just. Please, please don't kill my brother. Okay, as much as sometimes I'd love to, but please look to the stars again. I'm sure the stars are saying, you know, don't. Don't do that. Actually, the stars are moving in confusing fashion right now. Indeed they are, Gertie. I've never seen anything like it.

[Ben]

Egad, what are we seeing in the night sky?

[Reshma Sajani]

It's beautiful. But quite frenetic. What can it mean? It is a sign. Ugrel is in motion. And your plan has almost already failed. How is that possible? Unbeknownst to you, Ural has already sent out envoys to the land of the giants and to the wizards of Almagus. You'll never make it to both places in time.

[Ben]

Hope is lost.

[Reshma Sajani]

All of gold. Earth will soon be bathed in flames. Death is coming. Or we could just split up. Half of our party could go to the land of the giants and the other half could go to Wizards Island. Oh, right. That could work too. It's got to be me. I must set us all free. It's my destiny. My name is Hildy and I'm fraudulent as a lake of fire. My name is Hildy the firework. Why, hello there. This is your pal Sarah Silverman. You know, the standup comic that's not afraid of a diarrhea joke. Oh, my God, I'm so brave. I hope you're enjoying this podcast that you're listening to. I am just dropping in here to let you know about another podcast I think you'd like, and it's called the Sarah Silverman podcast. Each week, listeners from all over the world call in and they ask me for advice or they talk about something going on in their life, anything, their silliest, grossest, deepest, darkest situations. And then I respond, whether I'm qualified to or not. Go ahead, search for the Sarah Silverman podcast wherever you get your podcasts. Bye.

[Ben]

I'm Lupita Nyong'o. My new podcast, mind you'd Own, is a storytelling show that navigates what it means to belong all from the African perspective. We're going beyond the headlines to dive into nuanced, intimate stories from Africans around the world. I'm so excited to bring this show to you. Listen to Mind your own on Amazon Music.