Mitra Jouhari, Our Big Tension Friend

Summary

Hollywood Handbook: "Mitra Jouhari, Our Big Tension Friend"

Podcast: Hollywood Handbook
Date: August 4, 2026
Guest: Mitra Jouhari
Hosts: Hayes Davenport, Sean Clements (with “alternate persona” as Richie), Producer Chef Kevin

Episode Overview

This episode of Hollywood Handbook welcomes back comedian, writer, and performer Mitra Jouhari for a raucous and meta send-up of podcasting, group dynamics, and existential showbiz frustration. The hosts playfully interrogate Mitra about her multiple previous appearances, her role as a guest, and recurring “tensions” in the recording, leaning into running gags about podcasts as dysfunctional families, mascot roles, and the physical and emotional tolls of podcast guesting. The signature Hollywood Handbook surreal banter and layered characters are in full force, blending earnest confession with layered sarcasm, high-energy riffing, and plenty of inside jokes for longtime listeners.

---

Key Discussion Points & Moments

1. Meta-Podcasting and Show Dynamics

• Hayes adopts an "observer" persona:

  • Early in the episode, Hayes sets up a conceit where he's merely observing the show’s dynamics as if auditing the other participants, prompting Mitra to perform without his usual interventions.
  • "For all intents and purposes, I'm not here…Do the survey with Hayes. Like everyone does." (01:33)

• Podcast as Body and Promise

  • The group discusses the longevity of the show and how “your body makes a promise” to the listener when starting a podcast — you can’t break it.
  • "When you start a podcast, your body makes a promise. And the listener, you honor their promise by you never stop doing the podcast." – Hayes (11:58)

• Roles and “Three Body Problem”

  • They liken their dynamic to the Chinese sci-fi concept, discussing “three body problems” and how tension between hosts, guests, and producer Kevin drives the show’s energy.

2. Mitra’s "Thing" & Show Lore

• Running joke: “What is Mitra’s thing?”

  • Mitra insists she used to sing on the show; the hosts gaslight her about it, treating her main contribution as "song" and digging deep into this bit.
  • "You say you sang songs on it? … We made up songs?" – Hayes (27:23)

• Songs about Teeth & “Gas Teethra”

  • Repeated callbacks to a previous episode where Kevin (the producer) supposedly sang a song about Mitra’s teeth (and her allegedly bad breath), culminating in an improvised bit where they beg Kevin to remember and reprise it.
  • "Kevin sang a song about my teeth. That's what I remember… this is gaslighting. This is gas teethra, Kevin." – Mitra (27:34)

3. Comedy-as-Therapy and Family Roles

• Dysfunctional Podcast Family:

  • Explores the idea of podcast hosts and guests adopting familial roles—mascot, announcer, relief pitcher—mirroring therapy-speak about family systems.
  • "In my family dynamic, it's like almost like I was sort of a mascot figure. He's the mascot where, you know, the release that would be created the tension dissipating." – Sean (26:14)

• The Mascot and Emotional Labor:

  • Mitra asks if they’re “recreating our family” as adults, leading to real talk about comedy as a coping strategy for dysfunctional environments.
  • "On this podcast, we find ways to recreate these roles as adults, don't we?" – Sean (40:06)

• Comedy as a substitute for therapy:

  • Honest reflection on the risks and rewards of using stand-up or podcasting as a way to process pain:
  • "It can be a little dangerous, making the crowd your therapist… you take a wound, right? And you open it up so it bleeds right in front of everyone, right? And they clap and cheer…" – Hayes (39:02)

4. Personal Bits & Recurring Gags

• Mitra’s “Viral Moment”

  • Mitra shares that she once made a TikTok of herself singing, “I am ugly and no one else is,” which she quickly deleted due to embarrassment and lack of engagement (19:38–20:21).

• Owl Tamer and Deep Cuts

  • Mitra reveals she once ran a surrealist “Owl Tamer” account where she sang Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep” to photos of owls spinning into frame.
  • "It was like Owl Singer or something…Oh, no, it's called Owl Tamer." – Mitra (21:27, 22:07)

• Grape Leaves Metaphor:

  • When asked about her role in the “arena” of a family, Mitra claims she’d be the “snack giver,” distributing grape leaves to thousands. Hayes riffs, “This is starting to make me think of the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding” (48:07–49:24).

• Plastic Surgery Jokes

  • Multiple riffs about Mitra’s supposed Hathaway facelift, “bluff” (blepharoplasty), and the metaphysics of tugging your face around your skull.
  • "I bluffing parts that people didn't even know you could bluff on a body. Want to guess?" – Mitra (16:58)

5. Classic Handbook Physical and Emotional Comedy

• Visual Gags & Cumulative Chaos

  • Running references to the studio’s (possibly imaginary) “purple room,” make-up being smeared on the ME camera lens, and Hayes’ foot supposedly inches from Mitra’s face.

• Producer Chef Kevin’s Dinner Struggle:

  • Kevin is “muted” and “not visible today,” dealing with a “big dindin” and surreptitiously contributing from the dinner table, to the group’s frustration and jokes.
  • "If you think he's tucking into just the most massive plate of spaghetti you've ever seen, get that out of your mind." – Hayes (03:13)

• Final Song:

  • After a build-up, Kevin and the group improvise a Beastie Boys-style “teeth song” about Mitra’s dental hygiene, drawing out the running joke to its comedic/awkward extreme:
  • "You gotta brush your teeth and party. Okay, the top teeth look they pretty good, but those bottom teeth look like a piece of wood. Oh no." – Dental Advertiser "Kevin" (51:05)

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Podcasting as Promise:
  • "When you start a podcast, your body makes a promise. And the listener, you honor their promise by you never stop doing the podcast." – Hayes (11:58)
• Roles as Survival Mechanism:
  • "I never realized how well named you are. But me. Me Mitra. It's always me…" – Sean (13:26)
• Comedy as Therapy:
  • "It can be a little dangerous, making the crowd your therapist … you take a wound, right? And you open it up so it bleeds right in front of everyone …" – Hayes (39:02)
• On “Owl Tamer”:
  • "I would be singing Rolling in the Deep, and then an edit of a bunch of photos of owls ... Oh, no, it's called Owl Tamer." – Mitra (21:37, 22:07)
• Classic Absurdism:
  • "I got the Hathaway facelift" ... "I bluffing parts that people didn't even know you could bluff on a body. Want to guess?" – Mitra (15:07, 16:58)
• The Final Awkward Song:
  • "You ask your mom, please, but she still says brush your teeth again. You missed two classes just cause you didn't brush your teeth. But your teacher preaches class like you really need to brush your teeth. You gotta brush your teeth and party …" – Kevin (51:03)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Meta-Podcast Setup & Purple Room Debate: 01:27–05:00
• Guest Lore & Song Bit: 05:47–07:00, 27:23–28:20
• Camp Songs/Mitra's Ohio Backstory: 06:36–07:53
• Comedy as Therapy & Family Dynamics: 25:54–27:10, 37:11–40:28
• Teeth Song Setup/Execution: 34:36–36:06, 51:03 onward
• Owl Tamer/Online Virality: 21:27–22:20
• Grape Leaves/Greek Wedding riff: 47:00–49:24

---

Memorable/Meta Moments

• Repeated gaslighting of Mitra by the hosts about whether she sings on the show.
• Richie/Sean’s “mascot” confessions about family comedy roles and their shadow side.
• Deliberate, escalating chaos: Visual gags about dinner, the color of the studio, and unreconciled complaints about each other’s appearances, roles, or jobs.
• Producer Chef Kevin’s running subplot about negotiating dinner with his mysterious offscreen family.

---

In Summary

This episode is a tour-de-force of Hollywood Handbook’s signature layered meta-comedy—equal parts absurdist bit, inside-joke callback, and genuine interrogation of why people do what they do (on podcasts, on stage, in families). Mitra Jouhari’s playful repartee and willingness to lean into the show’s recurring weirdness provides ample fuel for Hayes and Sean’s parade of roles. The episode spirals through a surreal matrix of podcast, song, mascot, and snack-giving metaphors, closing (of course) with a ridiculous Beastie Boys tribute about dental hygiene.

For listeners—old and new—the episode is a riotous, oddly sincere meditation on what it means to be a part of a creative family, even (especially) when you’re all just trying to keep the show going another week.

Transcript

[Mitra]

This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.

[Hayes]

I love my phone, but not my carrier.

[Danielle Fishel]

What do I do?

[T-Mobile Advertiser]

Well, there are 250 reasons to join T Mobile.

Like what?

You can keep your phone and your number and T Mobile helps pay it off. Up to $800 per line.

[Hayes]

So I wouldn't have to buy a new phone?

[T-Mobile Advertiser]

Yep. Plus your plan price stays the same for 5 years on experience plans.

[Mitra]

Nice.

[T-Mobile Advertiser]

Find your reason@t mobile.com

via virtual prepaid guard card. Typically takes 15 days after rebate. Submission price guarantee on TalkText to 5G. Data exclusions like taxes and fees apply.

[Hayes]

Amazon Health AI presents painful thoughts.

[Mitra]

Why did I search the Internet for answers to my cold sore problem? Now I'm stuck down a rabbit hole filled with images of alarmingly graphic sores in various stages of ooze. I can clear my search history, but

[Hulu Advertiser]

I can never unsee that.

[Hayes]

Don't go down the rabbit hole. Amazon Health AI gets you the right care fast. Healthcare just got less painful. Nothing to promote.

[Mitra]

Absolutely nothing to promote. Couldn't have less to promote.

[Hayes]

And you walked here?

[Mitra]

Bus, but walking. First 25 minute walk to the bus stop.

[Danielle Fishel]

Okay.

[Hulu Advertiser]

Hollywood.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

I see you looking over at me sometimes. Mitra. I'm only here to observe today.

[Mitra]

Oh, amazing.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

I'm. I was curious what the show is like when I'm. I'm not always there for the show. What happens when I'm not there?

[Mitra]

Yeah.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

So I just want to kind of get a sense of that. So, you know, for all intents and purposes, I'm not here. Do the survey with Hayes. Like everyone does.

[T-Mobile Advertiser]

Great.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

And then at the end of that, you know, maybe I'll throw a couple different scenarios at you guys, show type scenarios for you to kind of walk through and demonstrate so that I can kind of see what's working and what's not.

[Mitra]

Yeah.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Just get some unpaid labor with a sort of.

[Hayes]

But we are getting paid stand on the whole guest.

[Mitra]

You are?

[Hayes]

Yeah.

[Mitra]

Okay. That's great that you guys are.

[Hayes]

New studio. We're getting paid.

[Mitra]

New studio.

[Dental Advertiser]

That's awesome.

[Hayes]

We're getting pissed.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

We get paid. Yeah.

[Mitra]

No, it's so cool, the purple.

[Hayes]

And you see us in this environment and you are frustrated by our success or nourished by it.

[Mitra]

Nourished. Because I know you guys need that pretty bad.

[Hayes]

Okay. We're nourished by it as well.

[Mitra]

I'm happy to hear it.

[Hayes]

Because we are eating.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

I'm slaked.

[Mitra]

Are you hydrated?

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

I know I said I was just gonna observe. I'm slaked.

[Mitra]

You're Slaked. Your slake. Sloth.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Slake.

[Mitra]

Queen slay. Queen boots.

[Hayes]

And Kevin is here as well. Kevin is muted, and he is not visible today. You know our producer, Chef Kevin.

[Mitra]

Of course. And why is he hiding?

[Hayes]

That's not. Because he has a big dindon. He needs to eat. He did not text us before saying he has a very big den. Den to eat tonight.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

He's. If you think he's tucking into just the most massive plate of spaghetti you've ever seen, get that out of your mind. Get that image out of your mind. He's not doing that.

[Mitra]

Kevin, promise me you've got vino.

[Kevin (Producer)]

I promise. Mitra.

[Mitra]

Thank you.

[Hulu Advertiser]

Slaked.

[Hayes]

It's a big ham.

[Mitra]

Big ham. Veno says getty. Big ham.

[Hayes]

Veno says getty.

[Mitra]

Oh, and a side of pie. No doubt.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Ham and wine.

[Hayes]

Um, what did we do before?

[Mitra]

With me?

[Hayes]

Yeah.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Do we have something with you? Is there.

[Hayes]

Is there, like, a thing with you?

[Mitra]

Long ago, we sang many songs. That was. That was what, like, 40 studios ago for you guys?

[Hayes]

Okay. You were one of the song singer. Was. I remember some of our song singer guests. Don't remember you being one of them.

[Mitra]

No, that's okay.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

I had some musicians that we did songs with. I don't recall just randomly doing songs.

[Hayes]

Don't think of you that way.

[Mitra]

You should as a musician, as someone who could. As someone who has potential.

[Hayes]

Okay.

[Mitra]

To make music.

[Hayes]

Okay.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

I myself have no formal training. I am naturally musical.

[Mitra]

That's awful. You seem like it. Even just the. Mm.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Right. The timber.

[Mitra]

The Tumber.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

The Timber.

[Hayes]

Timberland Tumber.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

The Jeffrey Tambor.

[Mitra]

Oh. Back at wetter than ever, I hope.

[Hayes]

I noticed your emotional support collaborators aren't here today.

[Mitra]

Sandy and Alyssa.

[Hayes]

Sandy and Alyssa.

[Mitra]

Yeah. You didn't. You. What? It was two last minute. You couldn't get it together. Three people. You had to go. Just one.

[Hayes]

We didn't invite them.

[Mitra]

Mm. Mm. I got the call last night.

[T-Mobile Advertiser]

Very late.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

That's Kevin. That's an oversight.

[Mitra]

I got the call very last. Late. Last. Late last night. Of an inappropriate time.

[Hayes]

Inappropriate time.

[Mitra]

Kevin.

[Hayes]

Kevin. Also, it was a FaceTime. Part of the bigness of his din din tonight was, sources say, a refusal to finish his din din last night and sort of.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

So that's why he was up so late. He was having a staring contest with the plate and saying, I'm not gonna break this plate will break before I will.

[Mitra]

And now Kevin loses to plate.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

So then he wasn't allowed to have his phone. He couldn't text. And you got A text late last night. And I know you like singing songs. It's reminding me a little bit of sort of a camp song that we used to hear sometimes. Hayes, let me know if you know this one. Late last night, when we were all in bed, Kevin producer, he called me up and said, this could be a podcast at the I Heart Tonight. And then you'd be like, mitra, Mitra, Mitra.

[Kevin (Producer)]

Right.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Do you know this one, Mrs. O'? Leary?

[Hayes]

I could have answered in advance. If it's a camp song, I know it. So I could have said. You said, let me know if you know this one. The answer is yes, I know it because it's from camp.

[Kevin (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Hayes]

I listen to camp songs. I don't go.

[Mitra]

Right. But you love the music of camp.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

I didn't really go either. My sister would bring the songs home to me and we would enjoy them.

[Mitra]

When I lived in Ohio, I went to Artventure camp for a week at the Blue Ash Rec center, and we just played in the woods the whole week. I think.

[Hayes]

I think you should say, when I hear you say, when I lived in Ohio, I'm thinking, she is going to live in Ohio again. So I. What I would say is the last time I lived in Ohio.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Yeah, totally.

[Hayes]

Because it's inevitable the way you say it is. If it's like, it's just behind you. When. Like, as soon as tomorrow.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

What about back home in Ohio?

[Mitra]

Over yonder back?

[Hayes]

Because then it could be like you're just visiting here. Yes.

[Mitra]

I wish.

[Hayes]

Your wish is granted, sweetie.

[Mitra]

I can go home.

[Hulu Advertiser]

You.

[Hayes]

You have to pack up the bags. You have to go back to Ohio. That's what I'm getting. That's just what I'm picking up. You will be back in Ohio very soon. Maybe not in the part of Ohio that you're even from, though. So maybe this is the back home in Ohio that's a problem. You might end up in just a completely different part of Ohio.

[Mitra]

Shivering by the lake.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Yeah.

[Hayes]

Yes.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

In the part of Ohio I grew up in, I used to go to Art Venture. But in. But now in the part of Ohio that I live in today.

[Mitra]

And will. Will die.

[Hayes]

Yes.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

And that. Yes. Where I will die?

[Mitra]

And when do you think I'll die?

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

So this is something we were talking about before you came in, and it's really interesting because we're a little bit split. We agree that it's soon.

[Mitra]

Oh, okay.

[Hayes]

But we don't know how old you are right now.

[Mitra]

How old do you think?

[Hayes]

I think you're 199 years old. And I think you're gonna live. And I think you're gonna live to be 200 years old.

[Danielle Fishel]

Whoa.

[Dental Advertiser]

No.

[Hayes]

I said no way.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

I said she's not 199. I said you're being actually absurd. Yeah, I peg you around

[Dental Advertiser]

80.

[Mitra]

Close. You're both really close.

[Hayes]

Okay.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

199 is like comedically large. Guess.

[Mitra]

Yeah, but 80.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

You know what I mean?

[Mitra]

But 80, I would say 80 and 199 are both incredibly close. The number that's closest to both of those.

[Hayes]

The number that's closest to both of those.

[Mitra]

Yeah,

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

closest to both of those.

[Mitra]

Sorry. Oh, yeah. I always forget that you guys didn't go to college.

[Hayes]

Did not end up going to college. And in a way, school was my college. You know what I mean?

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

High school was college, man. I learned so what a lot of people learn at college. I actually learned it at high school.

[Mitra]

Whoa.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

We were going to classes. We were reading books. I mean, that's what school was back then, you know? So it was an incredible experience. And when I did. I wouldn't say I didn't go to college, but when I did stop by, they said, you're good.

[Mitra]

You know it.

[Hayes]

Keep walking.

[Mitra]

Keep on walking.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

You could be out now.

[Mitra]

Out where? Out just in the world.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Don't gotta tell me twice. Out in the world.

[Mitra]

Out here, Los Angeles.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Out here auditing the iHeart studios, you know, observing the. The purple interplay between a. What is it?

[Hayes]

The purple view. I don't even see the purple. This is the second time you've brought it up. That's not purple.

[Mitra]

Maroon. What is it?

[Hayes]

I mean, I guess, yeah, maroon. It's definitely not purple.

[Mitra]

Fine.

[Hayes]

It's just that you brought up twice.

[Mitra]

Okay, fine, it's purple.

[Hayes]

No one ever would say that.

[Hulu Advertiser]

Purple.

[Mitra]

No big deal. You get your way on your.

[Hayes]

On your collaborators, where I think the listeners will just be interested in like a check in.

[Mitra]

Yeah, I mean, Alyssa is on the moon and Sandy is in the ocean,

[Hayes]

and so that's why.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

So they're. They're in contact, huh?

[Mitra]

Yes. One controls the other, but I can't say who.

[Hayes]

Yes, hello. Oh, this is Richie.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Totally normal way to enter a room, and everyone's feeling comfortable as hell.

[Hayes]

He's never done this before.

[Mitra]

The ME camera seems to be moving, which is always a good sign.

[Hayes]

The you camera. Well, he's never decided before. I need to get in there right now.

[Mitra]

Something really bad is happening to the viewer.

[Hayes]

He's really. He's opening up the back panel of the U Camera smoking. And he's got out a welder's mask.

[Mitra]

Maybe make. Oh, he's putting on a makeup filter.

[Hayes]

He is actually smearing makeup on the lens.

[Mitra]

Yassify filter.

[Hayes]

Wow.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Turn the camera around to point it at himself. And now he is.

[Hayes]

Wow, he's shaking.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Shooting it at himself like a gun.

[Hayes]

He looked at the. He did shake his head and leave. And he did look at his watch as if to establish time of death for the podcast.

[Mitra]

I think I would love to be the reason it stops after all these dozens of years that you guys have been doing podcasts.

[Hayes]

I think it's good. I think it's good to be consistent and to do something for a long time. And you make a promise.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Nobody does that anymore.

[Hayes]

When you start a podcast, your body makes a promise. And the listener, you honor their promise by you never stop doing the podcast.

[Mitra]

You. Your body makes promise. My body keeps a score of doing Hollywood handbook four times.

[Hayes]

And I was going to ask is it has actually been four times, but that would not be honoring your body. I actually don't know which is. It's keeping the score. But it might not be right.

[Mitra]

No, but it's keeping a score.

[Hayes]

Okay.

[Mitra]

Of what I have endured by entering into the millions of studios.

[Hayes]

So fucking go there.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

May I tell you. May I tell you what we.

[Hayes]

So why don't you just fucking leave then?

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

May I tell you what we have right now in this episode, huh? A three body problem. We have a three body problem, don't we?

[Mitra]

We do.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

One's keeping the score. Two have made a promise. Takes two bodies to make a promise.

[Hayes]

And this is what he does. Like, he, like, he's a diffuser.

[Danielle Fishel]

Right?

[Hayes]

And he uses comedy that way.

[Mitra]

Yeah.

[Hayes]

And referential comedy for, like, shows and movies that are popular now in family counseling.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Mitra. I would be known as the mascot of the family. And so I feel the conflict.

[Mitra]

Right?

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

You know, so that are fighting.

[Mitra]

So, like, when he screams at me, acting out when he screams at me so much like, we can see the spit flying across the ME camera. Like, what role is that? The, like, perpetrator.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

I will say I never realized how well named you are. But me. Me Mitra. It's always me. The me camera should be Mitra Mihari because it's just that I never have heard any guests talk about themselves so much. We are trying to talk about the podcast as a living, breathing organism. And once again, it's Mimi. Mimi, Mimi, Mitra. And it's just your parents did a good job. Or is it. I don't know which came first. I know you never know. They destined you for this, but, yeah,

[Hayes]

I have found that anger for me is a healthy, transitional, honest motion. You'll notice I'm not screaming right now.

[Mitra]

But you were.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

It's a safe feeling to feel.

[Mitra]

A safe feeling to feel for the two men. One looming on a screen that is even bigger than the wall of this room and the other one over seven feet tall in the purple room.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Hey, I don't make the screens, honey. I just loom on them, you know?

[Mitra]

And y' all have been kicked out of every studio that you have been a part of. No, because what is this, the 17th studio in four episodes?

[Hayes]

We have actually kicked ourselves out of every studio. And as we're resignation and as we're kicking, their foot is kind of kicking too. And so the force of our different kicks is like shooting us backward.

[Mitra]

I just like, can you stop looking at me, please? And the viewers at home who are watching this on, like, I don't know, Instagram Live or whatever are seeing Hay's foot approaching me inches away from my face. And at fresh after facial reconstructive surgery. By the way, I got the Hathaway facelift.

[Hayes]

And I was not going to say anything about it because last time, I Now remember, this is your thing. You say you look at my body

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

too much, accuses us of discussing her body.

[Hayes]

Yes.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

And now it's. And now we're coming up.

[Hayes]

My entire.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Bringing up her own face and my

[Hayes]

entire thing before you came on the show and decided I needed a different thing was that I look, I check it out, I say what I see. That was my thing on the show. And it kind of worked for a long time until, oh, that was a.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

That was something that listeners loved. Something they cherished about the experience of listening was getting Hayes take, which is sometimes could be surprising on. On what he was seeing of women or all. It doesn't matter. They want to hear his perspective on

[Mitra]

the shape they're being paid for.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Hayes's opin. And so whether it's a woman's body or whether it's a woman's face, you

[Hayes]

know what I'm saying? Anything, shape, size, color, anything.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

And he shoots from the hip. You know what I mean? No filter. That's what made it so thrilling to hear. Yeah. Now, you mentioned that you got a facelift. You also slandered a woman who. I don't think we can necessarily prove what work she's been done.

[Mitra]

Right.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

But I've been hearing a lot about this sort of upper blood surgery that people get. But you are the first person that I know of who also went middle and lower.

[Kal Penn]

Bleph.

[Mitra]

Yes, I got said.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Can we get every bless.

[Mitra]

I bluffed every part of my face.

[Hayes]

Bluff your heart. I got the full blast behind left this Beth.

[Mitra]

I bluffing parts that people didn't even know you could bluff on a body. Want to guess?

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Oh, well, I. You know, this seems like a trap.

[Mitra]

No.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

By the way, this isn't even the part of the show I do.

[Mitra]

Okay.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

What I do is I diffuse Hayes infuriates someone. He talks about their body. They become enraged.

[Mitra]

Right.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

He then starts prodding them more.

[Mitra]

But what about his age?

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

I'm sort of the mascot. You know where I say, hey, look over here, and I'm doing some silly thing. I don't know what it is.

[Hayes]

But like you say, you absorb the conflict and then it builds. It builds up. And he. And you. You think everything's okay with him, but he's actually even crazier angrier than me

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

because I'm in the most pain. I don't know how to express my anger. It's not a safe feeling for me to feel right. I don't know what's going to happen once I take the cork out of that bottle.

[Hayes]

For me, when it's mama and it looks like he paused there, it could be really. That's the kind of thing that happens when he gets a little too real. And for me, I.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Hotel Internet, right?

[Hayes]

Oh, hi.

[Mitra]

You're back.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Yeah. I felt myself getting angry, and so I went ahead and froze the Internet.

[Mitra]

You have that power.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

I broke the Internet as we often do with our viral clips. Do you have an idea for a clip you'd like to have shared from the episode? Because we do try to get. I know a lot of this will be us talking, but we do try to get a moment we can use to sort of promote the show.

[Hayes]

What's your most viral moment online ever? Whoa.

[Mitra]

Can't think of any.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Did you slag someone off?

[Mitra]

I assume at some point I was slagging something.

[Hayes]

You can't think of a. And I didn't say it had to be like hugely viral. Just what's the most viral one? And I actually think you did think of it and you just didn't want to say it.

[Mitra]

No, I really can't think of anything, but I know that I have. In the days of Twitter, I was going viral.

[Hayes]

You never did front facing.

[Mitra]

I. I did do one tik tok and I deleted after about an Hour. Because it. I. I made myself sick when I saw myself. I was like, hate her. I. I was singing a song that I made up and I remember the lyrics.

[Hayes]

Okay.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Was it a parody of Mrs. O', Leary, the old camp song?

[Mitra]

Well, I tried that, but I saw

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

that about the Chicago Fire. Yeah.

[Mitra]

Some other people had already gone viral for that, so I wanted to at least respect that.

[Hayes]

What. What's the song? This one.

[Mitra]

So the song was something that I was humming to myself, which is I am ugly and no one else is. And I was like, that's kind of funny. Horrible like thing to think of. Put it on the Internet.

[Hayes]

And it was. And it was. Was it doing. Was it doing too well? Do you remember some of the early reactions?

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Any comments?

[Hulu Advertiser]

It was.

[Mitra]

It was actually worse. What is that? It just didn't light up anything.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

No one watched it. I was like, not a single view.

[Hayes]

There's no good option, really. You don't want a video like that to be doing out or.

[Mitra]

That's true. And yeah, it's like you want. You. It either needs to just like kind of get, you know, like 10,000 views or something or it needs to. I don't know. I deleted it very quickly.

[Hayes]

And this is 2020. 2020.

[Mitra]

This was like when it was all beginning in there.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mitra]

And I was like, maybe I could be young enough to do that.

[Hayes]

But now you.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

I'm going to wait till it's over. I'm going to start Tik Tok next year when it's done with Caleb, etc,

[Hayes]

with Kayla and Ava.

[Mitra]

I don't have the goods, but they do.

[Hayes]

You don't think like you. And I know when you say you don't have the goods, you actually think that you do.

[Mitra]

I don't. I try.

[Hayes]

I agree. You don't.

[Mitra]

I know I don't. There's evidence that I don't. Well, it's been deleted. It's been scrubbed. So the evidence. Oh, actually I had a page I was maintaining for a while that I'm just remembering.

[Hayes]

Maintaining a page. It was edit.

[Mitra]

It was edits of me covering songs like Rolling in the Deep using only photos of owls.

[Hayes]

And you would sing along with a

[Mitra]

song I would be singing Rolling in the Deep, and then an edit of a bunch of photos of owls and

[Hayes]

you were maintaining the page.

[Mitra]

It was like Owl Singer or something. And then I deleted that as well, so.

[Hayes]

Oh, and you didn't want to be too vulnerable and say like, this is by Mitra. You would just be Owl Singer. And if it. If it does. Well, then maybe at some point you can, like, pop out and say, it

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

would actually be Mitra.

[Mitra]

The whole time I was having the time of my life, it was like, owl, like, spinning into frame.

[Kevin (Producer)]

It would go.

[Mitra]

We could have had it up. And then it spins into frame, and then it goes out of frame. And I had, like, hundreds of photos of owls. Oh, no, it's called Owl Tamer.

[Hayes]

Owl Tamer.

[Mitra]

So I probably think about, like, part

[Hayes]

of the concept is that these owls are performing to the song and they're spinning into frame because you have tamed

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

them, You've trained them to do that. Yes, it's owl tamement.

[Mitra]

Yes, exactly.

[Hayes]

I think taming owl. I mean, you like taming. They usually talk about with, like, a lion, for example, or something that, like, could really, like, hurt you really bad. Yeah, but Sean has a movie.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

I mean, unfortunately, there is a name already for what you were purporting to do, which is falconry. But it doesn't have owl in the title. Right, but it applies to all those raptors, you know?

[Mitra]

Well, I just wanted it to be accessible to people who didn't, like, you know, grow up, like, with owls and falconry as part of their media diet.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Oh, okay.

[Hayes]

I saw two birds today, and you

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

got one big stone.

[Hayes]

They were.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

You said, this is the moment

[Hayes]

they were being trained. One was, like, the trainee bird, and they were, like, big. Like those, like, kind of big crazy birds. And someone passing by was, like, saying to his kid, like, look, there's two falcons. And they walk by and they get pretty far away. And I see one of the bird people, like, think about it for a long time, and he turns and goes, they're Paris Hawks. But they were already way too far away. So he said. He. He said it to me.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

He was like, I can't exist unless I say this out loud. I don't actually want the engagement to come from it.

[Hayes]

Paris Hawks.

[Mitra]

Did you acknowledge?

[Hayes]

Oh, I said, like, oh, big birds. You want your voice to be heard.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Hayes was saying actually that he saw two birds today that he was able to take out with one stone. One was, we have to release a Hollywood Handbook episode. And the second was to end Meetra's career.

[Mitra]

Oh, do it.

[Hayes]

So my headphones unplugged for a second. Can you tell me what he said? I know. It's a list of two things.

[Mitra]

Yeah. He said, kill two birds with one stone. One of them is that there's movie that you have to put out in the mo in the future. And then the other one Is that this girl's on fire.

[Hayes]

This girl's on fire. Like.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Well, that. That must remind you of a song.

[Hayes]

A song. And you like to sing the song.

[Danielle Fishel]

No.

[Hayes]

You really wanted to be dragged out

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

the show is sing.

[Mitra]

No, I've already. I've already done that on this show. I'm looking to show people that I can do so much more than that.

[Hayes]

You said what you do on the show is sing. Even though that we sing songs. It's not.

[Mitra]

But I would say that was like. That was like. That's have.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

And then everything you song.

[Hayes]

Did you sing on the show before? You always come on this show and lie.

[Kevin (Producer)]

We.

[Mitra]

We did songs.

[Hayes]

That's your thing on this show.

[Mitra]

You need to stop yelling.

[Kevin (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

That's what you do.

[Mitra]

I want to throw something. This is too important to me.

[Hayes]

I promised myself I wouldn't let you up the show again.

[Mitra]

I dare you to hit me.

[Hayes]

She dared me.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Have you heard it or dare him?

[Hayes]

She dared me.

[Mitra]

I dare you.

[Hayes]

Richard. You heard it.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Daring is a sacred code that supersedes the law.

[Hayes]

Richie said he heard it.

[Hulu Advertiser]

I.

[Mitra]

Here's what I actually think. I think you and I would have a really funny fight.

[Hayes]

Like, I mean, that's what we did. Like, whether or not we're meaning to do. There's a reason we got into this. You know what I mean? There's a reason we do what we do. People start.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Are we.

[Hayes]

People just started laughing and we were

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

like, oh, clowns, aren't we?

[Hayes]

I like the way that feels. And whether or not, like we're meaning to do it or what, like, this is what we do.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

In my family dynamic, it's like almost like I was sort of a mascot figure. He's the mascot where, you know, the release that would be created the tension dissipating.

[Kevin (Producer)]

Right.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

You know, that was really the desired result, whether that lead to, you know, me getting paid a couple bucks or whatever. You know that. Now get up on stage or get on a microphone. You know, that that wasn't necessarily the goal, but, you know, I've noticed addicted to it. Don't you meet?

[Hayes]

I bet you're going to tell us

[Mitra]

comedy is therapy to many.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

And that is interesting. I guess I'm expressing some stuff here, some pretty painful stuff.

[Mitra]

Yeah. And it's like so many people, like, don't know how to get that out, but you figure out a way to do it on stage and give people a couple of laughs along the way. And I think that you really can't put a price tag on that. But I hope Netflix puts billion.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Well, Mitra, your songs, some of your songs that you do actually are therapy as well. I know that you consider that to be your primary contribution is singing.

[Mitra]

So you really don't remember my first episode?

[Hayes]

So you say you sang songs on it?

[Mitra]

We made up songs.

[Hayes]

Okay. What were some of the songs? And I know if it was our show, they were based on top 40 hits from that time.

[Mitra]

Kevin sang a song about my teeth. That's what I remember.

[Hayes]

Kevin sang a song about your teeth?

[Mitra]

Okay, so this is gaslighting. This is gas teethra, Kevin. This is gaslighting.

[Hayes]

Kevin.

[Mitra]

I'm shivering. Kevin, I actually. My teeth are chattering. You can probably hear it on the mic, but my teeth are chattering.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

That's giving Kevin an idea for a song.

[Hayes]

Kevin, I think this is just what I'm saying right now. I think so you. So this doesn't become a problem for you. I think you need to remember the song that you sang about Mitra's teeth and sing it. Because otherwise I think this could end up being a problem for you. She has already established that her body keeps perfect score.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

I'm. I kind of remember now, but. Kevin, you do it.

[Kevin (Producer)]

You guys see this sign?

[Mitra]

Yeah.

[Hayes]

The ocean fixes everything.

[Mitra]

Do you agree?

[Kevin (Producer)]

It's been very helpful for me.

[Mitra]

You have an Apple Watcher.

[Hayes]

We should take you out to the middle of it to drop you in with Sandy. With Sandy, also aptly named 20,000 Leagues under the Sea.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Pretty safe down there. I got a safe space for you,

[Hayes]

Kevin. Watery grave Kevin. I hear there's other people in the room monitoring your Dindon situation.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

So he pointed at the sign. And I think that what really what the sign said was, I haven't been listening. Which is okay. Like, he's got this dinner, you know, he got in trouble. Like, he's already been fighting about whether he's gonna eat dinner or not. And like now sort of gotta take the L eventually just to be allowed to sleep in his bed and not sitting up in a chair at the kitchen table.

[Mitra]

Right. The table with the maximum amount of food on it. Hollywood handbook.

[T-Mobile Advertiser]

This summer, there are 250 reasons to join T mobile girls.

[Mitra]

Trip booked and switching to T mobile. Help make it happen with experience beyond

[T-Mobile Advertiser]

switch and get $100 back plus $650 in value in built in plan benefits. That's $750 in your first year, guaranteed.

[Mitra]

And honestly, that hundred dollars back, I'm putting it towards the zipline now.

[T-Mobile Advertiser]

That's how you do summer.

[Mitra]

Exactly. Best switch I ever made.

[T-Mobile Advertiser]

This is just one reason to join T Mobile this summer. There are 250 reasons find yours

Savings based on the value of benefits included with experience beyond like entertainment and one year of AAA Classic and DashPass on us. Benefits may require activation C Plan for details get $100 via virtual prepaid MasterCard with eligible ported, no cash access and expires in six months. Issued by Sunrise Back and a member FDIC. Allow eight weeks

[Kal Penn]

hey everyone, it's Kal Penn, the host of Earsay, the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club. This week I'm sitting down with author Matt Dinnaman and narrator Jeff Hayes to talk about dungeon crawler Carl. Matt had one line in a notebook from middle school Alien game show. It took him until 2019 to finally write it, but what came out was an out of this world audiobook phenomenon. We talked about that origin talking cat with a charisma stat that breaks the game and what it takes to voice an entire world.

[Matt Dinnaman]

Fiction is bull, so you gotta trick me into caring about what you're talking about. And that's always what I have thought of as my job. So as a narrator, I always want to keep you engaged by making you feel as if I care as a narrator. And when I do dialogue, I don't want to tell you what the characters are saying I want you to hear firsthand.

[Kal Penn]

Listen to Earsay, the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club on the iHeartradio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Danielle Fishel]

This is Danielle Fishel from POD Meets World. Summer is winding down and you know what that means. Back to school shopping. But don't worry, this year I'm here to help with Famous Footwear. They make it easy to get great shoes at great prices with brands like Jordan, Nike, Adidas, Birkenstock, New Balance, Skechers and more. They have what your kids want without breaking the bank. Which, considering how fast these kids grow, is important. You don't want to waste money on sneakers they'll constantly outgrow. And let's be honest here, these kids have specific style requests you must fulfill. Famous Footwear has the massive selection to make sure those standards are met. And with 800 stores, a famous Footwear is always nearby. Right now it's Bogo. Buy one pair, get one half off at Famous Footwear. Shop in store to get $10 to spend this fall. Some exclusions apply. Plus join famous rewards to get their best benefits, including free shipping.

[T-Mobile Advertiser]

Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. Now I was looking for fun ways to Tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited Premium Wireless for $15 a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made $15 bills, but it turns out that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment

[Mitra]

of $45 for three months, $90 for six months or $180 for a 12 month plan. Required $15 per month equivalent taxes and fees. Extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. Me slow when network is busy. See terms Hollywood Hampton back.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

The was. The song was Kevin was singing was maybe about you. And I hate to. If I'm wrong, I'm going to hate bringing this up. Was it about you having like stinky breath?

[Kevin (Producer)]

That's. That sounds right.

[Hayes]

I can't.

[Kevin (Producer)]

I can't open the door. Oh, okay.

[Matt Dinnaman]

Okay.

[Kevin (Producer)]

I was locked in.

[Mitra]

Does that sound right, Kevin?

[Kevin (Producer)]

That sounds right.

[Hayes]

He just said. Actually maybe you didn't hear it. He did just say it sounds right.

[Mitra]

I didn't. I didn't hear it.

[Hayes]

Oh, yeah. It was the first thing he said. He said he heard the idea of you having stinky breath. And he said that sounds right. And you'll notice I do just want to point something out. Since it came up. Since it came up, you'll notice that there's only one other person in the studio this week.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Well, Richie, who was always inside was like, let me go ahead and just do most of this one from out in the other. Yeah.

[Mitra]

I am noticing there are a lot of curtains between us.

[Hayes]

And these other guys. They're normally here for every episode, are actually in different states. Completely.

[Mitra]

Yeah.

[Hayes]

Because my thing is I gotta look. Of course. Or it was. And their thing is they gotta smell

[Mitra]

and they don't like it.

[Hayes]

I mean, that's your thing on the show. I'm just remembering now.

[Mitra]

They. My. My thing is stinky.

[Hayes]

I'm a stinky breath.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

And I get why it took you so long to say you. We were like, what's your thing? You're like making up songs and it's like, what's the song about? I think it's about my teeth. And it's like, well, close. Yeah, I mean, they're part of it. They're a character in the song.

[Mitra]

Yeah, they're part of the tapestry of stink.

[Hayes]

Kevin, do you remember the song?

[Kevin (Producer)]

Hi.

[Hayes]

What is going on for you over there? What did you tell you?

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

One thing the ocean can't fix, which is Kevin's contribution to this episode.

[Hayes]

What did you Go out to the patio for some peace and quiet.

[Kevin (Producer)]

When I started talking, everyone stopped and looked over their shoulder when I said, do you see the sign?

[Hayes]

Because you were sitting at the dinner table with your computer, and you started talking to your computer.

[Kevin (Producer)]

They weren't sure who I was talking to.

[Hayes]

Everyone.

[Kevin (Producer)]

And you.

[Hayes]

And you were looking at your computer the whole time. And then you started your computer, and then you're. And everyone started looking at you. Too much vino, not enough Dino.

[Mitra]

Purple teeth.

[Kevin (Producer)]

I don't know. I don't. Zach's gonna look it up for me. I can't find it, but it's real. Something about your chin. You said, what's wrong with your chin? And I chime in from the engineer booth. That's another song.

[Mitra]

Whoa.

[Kevin (Producer)]

But the teeth one, A standby for teeth.

[Mitra]

I did get a bluff there, so hopefully things are looking different. At least you would hope that something was looking different after he got a bluff.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

On the list is put a bluff anywhere.

[Mitra]

I know. That's the whole point. I got a full body bluff.

[Hayes]

I bet at some point when it's full body, it kind of just like shoves all the way back around.

[Mitra]

Well, you're just, like, tugging it all. So it's like. Yes. Like, you could theoretically tug it all the way back around, but right now it's just a two inch tug.

[Hayes]

But it's like if you tug the two inches one direction. And then I used to print under that name.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Should we just wait for the song now? Got a marinade in the 2 inch tug. That's a haze joke that I've decided to steal.

[Hayes]

Well, I stole it from someone else.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Yeah, of course, of course.

[Hayes]

But I do like that it's public property.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

It's what we call a street joke in the business, Mitra.

[Mitra]

Oh, what business?

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

It's out there. You just. Anybody could come pick it up. What business? Hedge fund management.

[Hayes]

Cool.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Now do I have your attention?

[Mitra]

Yeah,

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

you just love to pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, huh?

[Mitra]

I do.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

I think I'm talking about the business of comedy. I was like a mascot in my family. You know what I mean? Like, when there was something wrong, like, I just couldn't take it, you know, it was so thick in the air. What can I do? I put my pajama pants on my head or something. I go out, I do a little routine, I make up one, you know, song, like you said, or something sounds. No, no, focus on me. We're talking about me. You know, they can't feel those Feelings anymore. It didn't make it go away. It didn't fix it, but it just. It kept us calm. You think of the family unit as a mobile, like what hangs over a child's crib. Yes. And when one is out of balance, everything else has to adjust to that side, you know? And so then you try to kind of pull it down your way with whatever tools you have. For me, it was comedy. I was a mascot. And so I pull down on that. That tries to kind of balance it. But then, oh, now sis is acting up. You know, she's on a whack. She's shaving her head or going goth. You know what I mean?

[Mitra]

Can I say something?

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Dyeing something a different color, I guess.

[Mitra]

I hope you transcribe all of this verbatim. Do it a stand up, don't add a single joke.

[Hayes]

Can be a little dangerous, making the crowd your therapist.

[Mitra]

But I think for some, it could be so healing. Some of the most funny of all are basically not telling someone.

[Hayes]

It can be for a minute, but then you take a wound, right? And you open it up so it bleeds right in front of everyone, right? And they clap and cheer more, more. We love the wound. And you start to think that the pain actually feels good.

[Mitra]

Right.

[Hayes]

Because you want them. If they're happy, everything must be going okay. Right. They're trying new things in the back there again, that's never gone off before. They're saying, let's just try turning this light off.

[Mitra]

Yeah. Cause people can see the scars from the bluff. Probably.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Speaking of turning things off, I might jump soon

[Mitra]

out the window.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

I want to see what happens with the teeth song and everything, but I might have to hop on everyone. I mean, did you have any questions for me?

[Mitra]

Mitra, I guess in your current family unit, do you consider yourself mascot, or are you kind of reigning with terror the way you do?

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

On this podcast, we find ways to recreate these roles as adults, don't we?

[Mitra]

Right?

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Don't we find ways to recreate these same dynamics and roles as adults without even realizing we're doing it?

[Mitra]

That's true.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Suddenly, yes, it all snaps into place and the. The curtains pulled back and the puppeteer is revealed. Your past.

[Kevin (Producer)]

Whoa.

[Mitra]

You could. You should cut the strings. You ever think about that?

[Hayes]

The mascot strings?

[Mitra]

Yeah, Cut the puppeteer strings on the mascot of you.

[Hayes]

They do an amazing job limping. Like, I just want to say, like the arena puppeteers, like, what they could do with those strings on the mascot, how they can make those guys flip and dunk. And even, like, pretend to kiss someone

[Mitra]

in the crowd, like, who's up there?

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

And get, like, a humanoid creature.

[Hayes]

Yes, right. That's right.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

It's. It's. It's nearly humanoid.

[Danielle Fishel]

Yeah.

[Mitra]

You'd think there's someone doing it.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

You would. You would. But I might split time to be heat, as they say. Just. I got my own stuff going on and.

[Mitra]

Right. Because it's night where you are, you probably want to go to bed.

[Danielle Fishel]

Night.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

It's not night.

[Mitra]

Just a dark room by choice. You like that?

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Well, would you like me to open the curtain?

[Hayes]

It's dark in here. It's like all the curtains are closed here, too. I mean, like, it doesn't mean it's nighttime.

[Mitra]

You can tell it's day here based on, like, behavior.

[Kevin (Producer)]

Whereas you gotta fight for your right to party.

[Hayes]

That's what we say.

[Kevin (Producer)]

I remember I. I went Mitra when it started.

[Hayes]

Wow. You were doing a lot at that time, huh? That was on her first episode. What happened to you, Kevin? You were really. You were. You were chiming in and, like, really doing a lot of stuff.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

You were wild, man.

[Kevin (Producer)]

Dude, I try to pick my choices a little more clearly now.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Try to pick my choices a little more clearly.

[Kevin (Producer)]

Stay in my lane.

[Mitra]

You need to get out of your life. It was nice.

[Kevin (Producer)]

You guys want to see the ocean?

[Mitra]

Yeah.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Get out of your comfort zone. Yeah, sure. It fixes everything. All right. You want to see a lake?

[Kevin (Producer)]

Yes.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Hang on. Let's see. Since she thinks it's night. It's not night. Let's see if we can get.

[Mitra]

All right. Looks like about 10pm over there. Wow, that is nice.

[Kevin (Producer)]

That's beautiful.

[Hayes]

Which one are you and your family.

[Mitra]

What else is there but mascot?

[Hayes]

Well, Sean is the mascot. There's all different. There's the leading scorer. There's the relief pitcher.

[Mitra]

Is this a real thing?

[Hayes]

There's the. Oh, yeah. Like, everyone has their role that they play in the family, and this is all like. Yeah, everyone plays their way.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

By the way, you look around the family and you can't spot the mascot. It's probably you. Probably you.

[Hayes]

And you. I was thinking, like, you have, like. Sorry, I'm not allowed to look.

[Mitra]

No, no, check it out.

[Hayes]

No, sorry. It's, like, illegal for me to. No, I'm to, like, see anything.

[Mitra]

Well, now it's been years.

[Hayes]

Sorry. It's, like, not allowed for me to, like, have my eyes open and, like, even glance at somebody. That's, like, against the rule. Sorry. I just almost did it again. I'm so sorry.

[Mitra]

No, it's okay.

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

Physically existing in a space as a living being.

[Hayes]

If I were to commit the. The sin of observation, I might say that you have huge, puffy muscles that are for me. All right, so he la. And he's mad a little bit, too, because, like, he calls himself the mascot. But, like, he. And he wants that to be because he has these, like, huge, puffy muscles.

[Danielle Fishel]

Right.

[Hayes]

You know?

[Mitra]

Yeah.

[Hayes]

But I mean, for him to say that in front of you is, like, crazy to me.

[Mitra]

Because I have the bigger, huge, puffy muzzles. Yeah.

[Hayes]

You know?

[Mitra]

Yeah.

[Hayes]

Very, like, super defined. Like big bicep.

[Mitra]

Yes. Like people can't see under, like, T shirt.

[Hayes]

Big ab.

[Mitra]

Yeah.

[Hayes]

One Got the rest Bluffed off, huh?

[Mitra]

Well, sanded.

[Hayes]

Okay.

[Mitra]

Sanded. So.

[Hayes]

And so what am I allowed to do on this show? And you didn't say what role you play in your family? I don't say. And Richie didn't say what role he played.

[Mitra]

Well, because I don't even know how to know that.

[Hayes]

Okay, so I'm an arena announcer.

[Mitra]

You're just saying what people are up to.

[Hayes]

I say when they walk in mop, I say, from Bucknell University, my mommy. And that. And just, like, when, you know, if they. And I say what they're up to and if they do something wrong. What about the right There isn't really a pro. Like, also, we'd be here all day

[Mitra]

if you said what they do right.

[Hayes]

My family is always doing things that are right. And so it's too big a job to just be listing off all the wonderful things my family is doing.

[Mitra]

That's nice.

[Hayes]

And so you think highly of them. Well,

[Hayes (alternate persona or role)]

it's.

[Hayes]

It can be nice. Unless it's your job to, like, find the things that are wrong.

[Mitra]

And it's your job.

[Hayes]

And that's my job by choice. I'm the in. Arena announcer.

[Mitra]

Yeah, I think I'm snack it.

[Hayes]

Snack it.

[Mitra]

Snack giver.

[Hayes]

Snack giver.

[Mitra]

Yes. Snack.

[Hayes]

So you're the person, like, so say this is like a metaphor, is like a basketball game, which is kind of what the other ones are.

[Danielle Fishel]

Right.

[Hayes]

You are someone who has brought snacks. You brought food for everyone. Everyone at the game. Professional NBA basketball game.

[Mitra]

And I give it.

[Hayes]

You gave it to everybody who wants. And so you offer it a little bit first. You stand at the end of the aisle and do a. Like a. I'm on the court. You're offering it to everyone from the court.

[Mitra]

I'm going out there.

[Hayes]

And people are getting to say if they want it or not in the crowd. Each person gets to say whether they want it or not.

[Mitra]

One by one.

[Hayes]

I'm going by one.

[Mitra]

I've got a huge backpack, insulated backpack full of grape leaves, dolmas. Okay, Let me know if you want.

[Hayes]

You have enough dolmas, which you said the backpack is insulated.

[Mitra]

Mm.

[Hayes]

And these have to be.

[Mitra]

So they don't refrigerated.

[Hayes]

And you made them?

[Mitra]

Purchased.

[Hayes]

You bought them.

[Mitra]

I'm the snack giver, not the snack maker. That's a different job in the arena. Okay, Underneath the arena, the snacks are made. Milk, milk, lemonade. Under the arena, the snacks are made.

[Hayes]

So you bought the grape leaves from under the arena?

[Mitra]

I brought them. I didn't buy them, I just brought them.

[Hayes]

You said you purchased them.

[Mitra]

No, you're not listening. So I went down to. Under the arena.

[Hayes]

Uh huh.

[Mitra]

Where the milk, milk, lemonade, down the corner, we were made. And then I get the grape leaves, I put them in my insulated backpack.

[Hayes]

Okay.

[Mitra]

Huge. And then I go up to the court and just like in between place like I'm not being disruptive.

[Hayes]

And here I think. But that's so. That's way too many people to have grape leaves for everyone. But the truth is, people probably mostly don't want them.

[Mitra]

Mostly people don't want them.

[Hayes]

So you. You found you don't actually have to bring that many grape leaves.

[Mitra]

One backpack full of grape leaves.

[Hayes]

It's a big backpack.

[Mitra]

It's a big backp.

[Hayes]

There's still hundreds out of the, say like 12,000 people in at an NBA game. How many of them are having grape leaves?

[Mitra]

It's like not that many. It's just like 11,000.

[Hayes]

11,000 of them are having grape leaves. So to me, that's a lot.

[Mitra]

Well, to you.

[Hayes]

To me, out of 12,000, that's a lot.

[Mitra]

But see, I have a huge extended family, so I'm used to that kind of stuff. So maybe it's cultural.

[Hayes]

Okay, so this is all. This is starting to make me think of the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding because of the grape leaves? Because of you talking about your huge extended family feeding everyone grape leaves. That's kind of.

[Mitra]

It's an interesting connection for you to

[Hayes]

kind of like the thing that happens in that movie. You think that's wrong? You think that was unfair of me to think about My Big Fat Greek Wedding?

[Mitra]

I was saying it's an interesting connection for you to make.

[Hayes]

Okay.

[Kevin (Producer)]

Did Sean leave?

[Hayes]

Sean did leave. Sean left right when the going got tough. Yeah, he left about maybe five minutes ago. What did you do in that time?

[Kevin (Producer)]

What's your guys favorite dessert.

[Hayes]

Can we see? Can you just take us into the room with your whole family, please? Kevin,

[Kevin (Producer)]

I went to a different. They're upstairs. They're on the eighth floor.

[Mitra]

Whoa, what floor are you on?

[Hayes]

I just saw someone behind you. I literally just saw someone go beside you. You're such a liar. I can't believe everyone's lying on this show.

[Kevin (Producer)]

No one's supposed to be here.

[Hayes]

Just go show you just. She just lied and she said that she didn't buy the dolmas.

[Mitra]

I've never lied.

[Hayes]

Go.

[Mitra]

You were listening. But you know I've never lied.

[Hayes]

Wait, Kevin. We were just talking about huge families. Go show everyone. Go show us your huge family.

[Kevin (Producer)]

Okay, here they all are.

[Hayes]

Oppa. Bye,

[Dental Advertiser]

Mitra. You wake up late for school and you don't brush your teeth.

[Hayes]

Oh my God, this is brutal.

[Dental Advertiser]

You ask your mom, please, but she still says brush your teeth again. You missed two classes just cause you didn't brush your teeth. But your teacher preaches class like you really need to brush your teeth. You gotta brush your teeth and party. Okay, the top teeth look they pretty good, but those bottom teeth look like a piece of wood. Oh no.

[Hayes]

Come on, Devin.

[Dental Advertiser]

Living at home is such a problem. Cause your teeth need a little work in the bottom area. It's a problem

[Hayes]

bus.

[Dental Advertiser]

You gotta brush your teeth. Specifically the bottom area.

[Matt Dinnaman]

That's it.

[Dental Advertiser]

Thank you.

[Hayes]

I need something better to go out on. Kevin, you have to keep going. Sorry.

[Dental Advertiser]

You got a brush.

[Hayes]

So you have some, some real time to think about it. But I really need like a, like a really either super mean or like just a really good line to get out on.

[Dental Advertiser]

You have a cavity and we didn't discuss it. But I'm here and. Sorry, Mitra, it's gonna hurt.

[Hayes]

Okay, still not there.

[Dental Advertiser]

I'm gonna rip it out. That's right. Doctor's in. And on the second song, we're gonna attack that chin. Whoa, she didn't offer that. You gotta brush your teeth and address the cavity.

[Mitra]

What's wrong with my chin?

[Hayes]

Oh no.

[Dental Advertiser]

Kevin, you gotta brush your teeth and floss the bottom ones.

[Hayes]

Okay, let's think.

[Dental Advertiser]

Gums are bleeding. We need to talk about that too.

[Hayes]

It's okay. We're not gonna get it.

[Mitra]

Bye. Hollywood Handbook.

[Hayes]

I love my phone, but not my carrier.

[Danielle Fishel]

What do I do?

[T-Mobile Advertiser]

Well, there are 250 reasons to join T Mobile.

Like what?

You can keep your phone and your number and T Mobile helps pay it off. Up to $800 per line so I

[Hayes]

wouldn't have to buy a new phone?

[T-Mobile Advertiser]

Yep. Plus your plan price stays the same for 5 years on experience plans.

[Mitra]

Nice.

[T-Mobile Advertiser]

Find your reason@t mobile.com

via virtual prebait guard card typically takes 15 days after rebate submission price guarantee on TalkText and 5G data exclusions like Texas and fees apply.

[Hulu Advertiser]

The Hulu Original Series Furious is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney. Starring Emmy Rossam as Alice Black, Furious follows a rookie FBI agent on the hunt for Catherine, played by Lola Petticrew, a mysterious and calculating female serial killer. While Alice upholds justice, Catherine kills for it, terrorizing the rich and powerful men of New York in her pursuit of vengeance. With secrets that change everything, Alice discovers there's a thin line between hunter and prey. Watch the Hulu Original Series Furious, now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

[Danielle Fishel]

This is Danielle Fishel from Pod Meets World. Back to school Shopping used to be so simple. And then my kids developed opinions. Apparently not just any shoe will do. Luckily, Famous Footwear makes that part easy because they carry all the brands they actually want like Nike, Adidas, New Balance, Jordan and more. Everyone gets the shoes they want. I get great prices. And we can cross one more thing off the back to school list. That's a parenting win in my book. Right now it's Bogo. Buy one pair, get one half off at Famous Footwear Shop in store to get $10 to spend this fall. Some exclusions apply. Plus join famous rewards to get their best benefits, including free shipping.

[Hulu Advertiser]

This is a stunning story based on the hit true crime podcast Betrayal. He was a tall, handsome police officer.

[Mitra]

Officer.

[Hulu Advertiser]

The man of her dreams. Caroline knew right away he was the man she would spend her life with. But then she got a text that changed everything. The man she loved was a severe sex addict, having affair after affair with so many different women in his cop car while on duty. I implore you to watch Dirty Secrets now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney.

[Mitra]

This is an I heart podcast. Guaranteed human.