01-05-26 - Euphoria For Holmberg As Steelers Beat Ravens To Go To Playoffs - We Think The Capture Of Venezuelan President Has Some Smullett Vibes - Brady's Break Saw Him Get TBoned And Go To A Funeral For a 90yo Fam Friend

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness (01-05-26): Steelers Euphoria, Venezuelan Coup Scepticism, Brady's Car Accident, and Funeral Tales

Date: January 5, 2026
Hosts: John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo
Theme: An exuberant post-holiday return revolved around Holmberg’s glee over the Steelers’ playoff-clinching win (and the Ravens’ misery), wild theories about the sudden capture of Venezuela's president, Brady’s unlucky car accident, and darkly comic reflections on funerals.

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Episode Overview

This lively episode opens 2026 on a high note for John Holmberg, who’s riding a wave of uncontainable joy as his beloved Steelers knock their rivals, the Ravens, out of the NFL playoffs. The team then pivots between sports elation, international intrigue surrounding Venezuela’s regime change (“Smollett vibes”), and a cascade of personal stories, including Brady’s harrowing run-in with a rear-end collision and attending a funeral for a 90-year-old family friend.

True to form, the hosts weave sports fanaticism, dark humor, and razor-sharp banter, offering an irreverent Arizona morning show take on current events and personal hijinks.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Steelers Beat the Ravens: Pure, Unfiltered Joy

• Holmberg’s Sports Euphoria (01:16–05:16, 32:58–37:18)

  • John is in a state of near delirium from the Steelers' victory:

    “I cannot stop ejaculating. Clap alone if you feel like a room without a roof. Harbaugh’s sad, Lamar chokes... It's the only thing I care about on this planet.” (01:31)

  • Riffs on how the deepest joy comes from your sports rivals’ pain, not life milestones:

    “Birth of my first child… nothing compared to this. My first grandchild? That's just feces flying out your mouth until your sports team destroys its rival.” (02:44)

  • Holmberg mocks the Ravens’ coach and quarterback in postgame interviews, relishing their confusion and defeat.

• Sports Trivia and Records (05:16–08:14)

  • The crew laughs at the Jets’ “unbreakable” record for zero defensive interceptions all season, likening it to baseball’s legendary Cy Young win record.

The “Jussie Smollett” Venezuelan Coup Theory

• Holmberg’s Scepticism & Mob Parallels (09:05–16:26)

  • The hosts peel into the spectacle of the Venezuelan president’s removal, theorizing the whole event was staged:

    “That is the single most Jussie Smollett military act I’ve ever seen. The presidential palace opens up, no fight, they just grab the president and wife.” (09:06)
    “We just picked up more oil than Saudi Arabia’s got and more gold than the entire world. Nice job! We’re Hitlering around the world now, doing it without killing anybody.” (10:28)

  • Extended mafia analogies, comparing the operation to “witness relocation” and “Sopranos” storylines:

    “That is a superbly mob thing we just pulled off. And anybody who thinks different is fooling themselves.” (14:30)

  • Saw the regime change as prearranged and effortless, doubting the authenticity of the coup news cycle.

• Mocking American Reactions (11:45–13:13)

  • Imagine if other countries extracted an American president in the same style, joking about oblivious citizens waking up to surreal news headlines.

Brady’s Car Accident: The (Un)Lucky Streak Continues

• The Recap (19:31–24:12)

  • Brady details being rear-ended by another undocumented, uninsured driver—the third time in his Arizona tenure.

    “You’ve been hit three times by illegals…” (20:26)

  • Storytime includes police language barriers, an unexpected baby in the back seat, and the lingering fallout.

    “His car was loaded with boxes… There was a baby back there in the boxes.” (21:56)

• Humorous Fallout & Cultural Barbs

  • The group teases Brady about offering landscaping work to his assailant and imagines the family squatting at his house.
  • Running bit about Brady’s “three illegals” being like Charlie’s Angels, ready to be dispatched to cause chaos (35:22–36:22).

Funerals for 90-Year-Olds: Party or Mourning?

• Toledo’s Ohio Travelogue (27:18–31:19)
  • Story of traveling back to Ohio for the funeral of a 90-year-old family friend becomes comic fodder:

    “90-year-old funerals are the best. They’re like a wedding reception… No one misses a 90-year-old, except for maybe other 90-year-olds.” (29:00)

  • The architect deceased wasn’t permitted to have his funeral at a church he designed due to planned bluegrass music, which sparks a debate about church rules and music taste.

Cardinals Fans, the Futility of Hope & Football Woes

• Mocking Arizona Football Fandom (37:18–39:18)
  • Holmberg rebukes Cardinal fans for their loyalty, comparing them to public school teachers who complain but never quit, and likening the Cardinals to the “Jets of the West.”

    “Just quit... There’s so many other options. As long as Bidwells are there, guys are just going to keep doing this.” (38:23)

  • Advises fans to cancel season tickets and embrace watching good football elsewhere.

Irreverent Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Holmberg on Rivalry Joy:

  “When your enemies suffer, when people you don’t like fail, that’s where joy lives. Everybody lies...” (02:44)

• On the “Mob” Vibe of Venezuela’s Regime Change:

  “If that was on the Sopranos, you’d be like—man, Tony’s the boss. That’s exactly what just happened.” (17:58)

• On Funeral Etiquette:

  “If you ever get a chance to go to, like, old [person’s funeral], just crash those. They have good food. Like, everything’s fun about it.” (29:19)

• On the Steelers Win:

  “I looked at my penis last night... my urethra was tilted up, it was smiling. This is pure, full, unadulterated body joy.” (39:15)

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Notable Timestamps

• 01:16–05:16: Steelers’ victory, sports euphoria, multiple hosts reliving their NFL fandom joys
• 09:05–16:26: Deep dive into the Venezuelan coup and reasons for skepticism, Smollett vibes, mafia analogies
• 19:31–24:12: Brady’s accident recap, immigrant drivers, police language mishaps, “three illegals” running joke
• 27:18–31:19: Funeral for a family friend, the upside of 90-year-old deaths, and odd church rules
• 37:18–39:18: Advice to suffering Cardinals fans, futility of hope, and biting team analysis

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Tone & Personality

• Signature: Playful, irreverent, with rapid-fire banter and a heavy dose of self-deprecating and dark humor
• Energy: High, especially from Holmberg, whose Steelers-led bliss sets the morning’s raucous mood
• Cultural Edge: Jokes and perspectives are edgy, in-the-room, sometimes politically incorrect, but always aiming for the comic punch

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For New Listeners

If you missed the episode and want the essentials:

• Holmberg’s in sports heaven, deliriously mocking the Ravens’ playoff loss and spinning every topic back to his Steelers
• The show lampoons the sudden and bloodless upheaval in Venezuela, likening it to a mob movie
• Brady endures another car accident saga with illegal drivers, fueling a string of sitcom-worthy immigrant gags
• Reflections on funerals turn morbidly comic, treating a nonagenarian’s send-off as a celebration rather than a loss
• No subject is sacred; everything is fodder for jokes, from politics to religion, football to funerals

“We own Venezuela. I’ve never been happier in my life. The birth of my child is stupid. I’d punt that. This is true joy.” — John Holmberg (39:15)

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For full, local, and uncensored Arizona morning radio, HMS gives you the raucous ride you didn’t know your 2026 needed.

Transcript

[Brett Vesely]

You're listening to the HMS Podcast, brought to you by mmpguns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories.

[Larry McFeely]

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[John Holmberg]

Hey everybody, it's John Holmberg here from the morning sickness and you hear me all the time talking about my friends at Lost Our home pet rescue. We do the pick of the litter and it's brought to you by our [e-mail] Every week I head over to Lost Our Home Pet rescue and I meet a brand new beautiful animal that needs a home. The work they do at losterhome is unbelievable. Not just your average pet shelter, that is for sure. They help people in a lot of situations. Look him up online lostorhome.org and check out everything we do at 98kupd.com in the pick of the litter section. Hol's morning sickness. You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. He's evil sitting right here.

[Brett Vesely]

Come on.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, he's not. He's not evil. He's just a bit rude. 98, can you please. That good? Hold it. The kick is no good. It is wide rate. And the Steelers are the champions of the. It might seem crazy. We're back. Good morning, everybody. Hello there and welcome to 2026 is Holmberg's Morning Sickness. My name's John. There's Brady. There's Brett. There's Toledo. And there go the Ravens out of the playoffs. And I cannot stop ejaculating. Clap alone if you feel like a room without a roof. Harbos sad Lamarch actions. It's the only thing I care about on this planet. I don't realize it until I see it in person. And when I see it, I know what true joy is. And I got it twice this year. I have not stopped fiddling with my junk since 9. 41 last night. Outrageous. So much fun. And I don't want to hear from the trolls gonna get killed by the Texans. Maybe. But you who won't get killed by the Texans, Lamar Jackson and the Ravens because they'll be watching.

[Dick Toledo]

Play ball.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my joy comes from hating them. And, man, do I hate them. Sorry. Happy New Year, you guys. Yes, sir. Yeah, I didn't get this kind of joy at, like, New Year's Eve. Like, happy New Year, everybody. Good night. This is what happy is. This is what happy looks like. When your enemies suffer, when people you don't like fail. That's where joy lives. Everybody lies. I went through this about eight weeks ago. Birth of my first child when I saw my daughter graduate from college. Nothing compared to this. Nothing. My first grandchild. That's just feces flying out of your mouth until your sports team destroys its rival. Oh, you had it a couple weeks ago. Oh, yeah. Beating the packers with the Bears. Come on.

[Brett Vesely]

That was. That was my super bowl right there.

[Dick Toledo]

I'm good.

[John Holmberg]

Birdie. Back in, like, 1980, you had it. The Seahawks. Look at this. Toledo's already bought tickets to the Super Bowl. This is just. It's a good room. Outside of what Brady's been through. I'm not even going to talk about it. We'll just ignore it. That's. But still. Poor little fella. Yeah, well, he had a rough one. He's a Bengals fan. And then Ohio State went and crapped a bit.

[Dick Toledo]

Been a year.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And people in Michigan took that like it was the greatest thing ever. They still have it. It's just joy. Joy. Pure joy. Starting 2026. Pure joy. Do I want the Steelers to win the money? Yes, of course I do. But if they don't, I'm fine. Because yesterday, it's become better to beat the Ravens than it is to do anything else. I just. It's amazing. Oh, my God. And watch that sad, insanely ugly man after the game in that stupid only he wears it hat with his little tiny half a face sticking out. Yeah, that's my opportunity, man. I can't blame no kick. I think I see sleepy time. Great answer, Lamar. What did he say? Nobody knows. What the hell did he say? This guy's really not very bright, is he? I threw the ball over a likely corner, and then we had to tell a little Miguel out. He missed the kick. We always gone five, but we could have done better. You think your coach is coming back next year? I don't know. Well, thanks for. Let's just think that. Yeah, it's. It's awesome. It's just awesome. It's great.

[Dick Toledo]

See the sack record? Saw that.

[John Holmberg]

So who cares? Nobody cares. Although I will Say, you know, Miles Garrett getting the sack record yesterday. Yay. Good for you. Your team won five games, and you're. And he's sitting there getting carried off the field. I'm like, well, let me see what they care about. They just don't care about winning. The fun part of it is, you know how they have that Cy. Like baseball. They have the unbreakable records. Like, you look at and you're like, will anyone ever touch Cy Young's 525 wins as a pitcher in baseball? Will anyone touch it? That's 25 wins a year for 25 years. It can't. How. It can never be touched. Right. Joe DiMaggio's consecutive game streak. Can it be touched? The jets did something that guarantees their record can never be broken. Zero interceptions in a season. You cannot break that record. They will forever be.

[Dick Toledo]

You can only buy it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, they're always the closest anyone's ever come. 2018, the 49ers had two, which I still. That's. How did you do that? Like, a ball gets tipped. You accidentally. People have like three in a game.

[Dick Toledo]

I guess the only. I mean, the only way will be broken is if it's two years in.

[John Holmberg]

A row still, though, the single season record.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

If a team. If look and, you know, there's two years.

[Dick Toledo]

I guess that's the way it's broke.

[John Holmberg]

The jets are on it. Maybe they can set that record because nobody's. Nobody can go two years in a row next year. So zero is like, that's the current record for. And when I. When my buddy Sharpnick last night that we're watching the Steelers game and, man, my house went insane last night. It was crazy. Sharpen said, you see the jets set that? I'm like, I've never thought of that. That's the only someone could potentially break Cy Young's record, which I think is the most unbreakable record in sports until now.

[Dick Toledo]

And that's all the way back to when they started passing the ball. Like, yeah, when majority.

[John Holmberg]

Once they started doing stats, it's probably just the modern era, but still, once they started keeping intercept interception statistics, every team's gotten one. It happens accidentally. I mean, last night, Hayward or Highsmith taps the ball and it bounces into TJ's arms. It's an interception. It's like, you can't. You accidentally do that? The jets didn't. And TV's Doug Hopkins is a huge jets fan. And he. He was trolling me last night because I said. I said, is that a real thing? He goes, yeah, they're terrible. And then he started with me. I'm like, calm down. Your team is the unbreakable wreck. And, boy, I'm sorry for everybody yesterday. Evidently, there was zero advertising buys for the Cardinals game because I had that on. I saw that commercial with me and Hopkins about six times. Doug. Doug only pulls up for one.

[Brett Vesely]

Gonna say, how many freebies did he.

[John Holmberg]

Get in that one? Oh, my God. I know. There were back to backs. I'm sitting at the house, and I'm. I'm sick of this guy. It was me. Saw myself on TV too much. I don't like looking at myself in the mirror. I don't need it popping up unexpectedly. It's like somebody just jams a mirror, and you're like, God damn it. There's my big, ugly face. It's weird. Surprised.

[Brett Vesely]

Doug didn't complain.

[Dick Toledo]

All right, come on.

[Brett Vesely]

There's another.

[Dick Toledo]

Come on.

[John Holmberg]

Really? He actually. We were talking. He goes. We were back to back. I'm like, I know. And then I go back inside after we're on the phone, and there I am again. I'm like, get me off of this thing. I don't even get in that commercial. What am I doing? Oh, but you know what? I don't care. It doesn't bother me. Everything's great. A war with Venezuela. Oh, well, what war?

[Dick Toledo]

That.

[John Holmberg]

We'll get into that in a second. I got nothing about that. That's the most. We'll get into that. Now. That is the single most Jussie Smollet military act I've ever seen. I think I ever will. See, Brett, to your people and everything that they've taught Trump. Excellent work. Because if you. If you've ever paid attention to the witness relocation program, you just witnessed it. They had this set up months ago. You're telling me that the presidential palace of Venezuela. Who? This dude's been screaming, come and get me, you cowards.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Forever. Just open the doors and say, there's his wife. His wife's over there. He grab her. And when. Since when do we take wives? They're going into witness relocation. There's gonna be a fake death or something weird. They took those two. His son's missing. Oh, I wonder where he is.

[Brett Vesely]

Henry and Karen Hill went into witness protection. So come on. You know you've seen this before, and.

[John Holmberg]

Trump just had to be like, we're gonna fly it. We're gonna make it look huge. Do whatever it takes. Just get me the hell out. They're going to kill me. The cartel was Going to kill this guy.

[Dick Toledo]

150 planes.

[John Holmberg]

He couldn't stand up to anybody because all the generals from the cartels and stuff would have shot him dead. Bullets would have flown through his head right on tv. If there was even a risk he was gonna stand up to getting caught, he agreed to all of it.

[Dick Toledo]

Heading to New York court today at noon.

[John Holmberg]

Try going into your neighbor's house with the army and getting somebody out. It ain't happening. There's gonna be a fight. This dude didn't fight. This was an arrangement and I love it. And now congratulations, US Of A. Like it, don't like it, don't care. We just picked up more oil than Saudi Arabia's got and more gold than the entire world has because that's Venezuela. Nice job. We're never gonna not have anything. I like that we're Hitlering around the world now, doing it without killing anybody. That's pretty awesome.

[Brett Vesely]

Maduro's gonna be living out in Santan Valley here in about a year.

[John Holmberg]

Chandler, location. You know my buddy Shane o' Grady who runs Life Change Alone's, got a house way too far away. And I assume his new neighbor's gon.

[Brett Vesely]

Hello, my friend.

[John Holmberg]

Hola. Wait a minute, what's going on next door? Don't call ice. I'm legit. My name is Bob Sanders. Oh, sure it is, sure. This is my wife, Melissa. I love it. That was cool though. I showed all those. And people in Venezuela are celebrating, so I'm gonna celebrate too. I know, I know. We shouldn't probably do that. And if you could. If you could imagine waking up to the news that somebody just flew in and took Trump and Melania away. Huh?

[Dick Toledo]

Right.

[John Holmberg]

What does that mean? Can you imagine? Imagine being one of those oblivious people. Like, you know, sometimes you go to bed and you didn't watch the news, you didn't pay attention your phone or anything, and you just wake up, you're like, oh. Huh? They did what? Yeah, some country just came in and landed some planes all over, dropped a couple bombs on some places and then just stole the president. Where is he? Brooklyn. Really? Yeah, his wife's with him too.

[Dick Toledo]

How the.

[John Holmberg]

Well, how'd they do that? I don't know. We didn't even fight back.

[Brett Vesely]

Hey, in Brooklyn.

[John Holmberg]

Calm down. Yeah, exactly. Well, how's them over here in Brooklyn? We got that Maduro. Hey, by the way, I love your beer. That's Modelo. I don't care. It's good. Hey, Modelo's good. I like good people. You make good cocaine, you make decent beer. That was. It was an interesting time. So, yeah, so now we have it.

[Dick Toledo]

So quick that it was like 20.

[John Holmberg]

Minutes, which I'm watching that. I'm like, anybody believes this was a surprise is the dumbest person on the planet. There's nothing about that that didn't look like an absolute arrangement. I'm watching the news. Can you believe it? I'm like, yeah, because it was too easy. I believe that this was set up for the last two months. They negotiated how the act was going to look. We're going to fly in like it was the beginning of Apocalypse Now. 30 helicopters. We get to drop a couple bombs on some stuff they wanted torn down anyway. And then we walk right in and take them out. Not one guard shot back. Not one dude put a bullet in.

[Dick Toledo]

Precision.

[John Holmberg]

Nobody fought precision. You still have to walk through the door. Check out Homework's morning sickness [e-mail] if.

[Larry McFeely]

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[Brett Vesely]

Hey, it's Brett Vesely and I'm here with Byron from MMP Guns. Look, Byron, I have a friend wanting to sell some guns he inherited. What's the best way for him to do that?

[Byron from MMP Guns]

Bre, the last thing you want to do is sell the gun to someone who can't legally own one. Tell him not to put himself at risk and come into M and P Guns where he'll get a fair offer and he can rest easy knowing it's not getting into the wrong hands.

[Brett Vesely]

Okay, but what if he lives out of state?

[Byron from MMP Guns]

Easy. Legalgunbuyer.com and he can do it all online. It's really that simple.

[Brett Vesely]

There you have it. MMP Guns or legalgunbuyer.com the safe and legal way to sell your firearms.

[John Holmberg]

It was all, we crashed a helicopter trying to get to bin Laden in the middle of the night. And that was. Come on. Nobody made an. No one goofed and no one said what's going on? No. Dogs started barking. Come on. Somebody had to wake up the dudes in gray sweats and puts his sunglasses on just like, we're good. He's on the plane. He's not even wrestling with anybody. He's just like, this is a. He's in. You're right. San Tan Valley. Brett's people are taking care of this. That is a superbly mob thing we just pulled off. And anybody who thinks different is fooling themselves.

[Brett Vesely]

I was like, when Epstein committed suicide. Well, you know, the guys went on break. They were, you know, in the lunchroom.

[John Holmberg]

And yeah, you have a new Jewish looking friend named Richard Davis living out there in Santana as well. And his wife, Ghislain, she kept it.

[Dick Toledo]

And that's interesting. At noon.

[John Holmberg]

Nothing's gonna be interesting about this. He's gonna. He's. He'll go out and give a little fiery, A quick yell and get out of here. The courtroom, it'll be a little bit tense. It's not. He's not. He's nothing. This was. He's happy to be here. He's happier than I am, probably. He's away from all the trouble. That was a cool move, though. And then they started to show all the people in Caracas with their cameras. And again, the other thing. We live in a world of nothing but iPhones and cameras, even in Venezuela. And you're telling me that like, this didn't get, you know, like nothing goofy happened where somebody saw it coming with a camera and warned someone else and like, at least shoot at him? Nothing. Everybody knew the drill. And now we've got more oil and more gold than anywhere else on the planet. And no wonder. We're like, we'll take care of this for a little bit. I thought it was cool. And now he's getting a little weird about Greenland again, so. And he challenged Mexico to a fight.

[Dick Toledo]

Brother in law said he goes, I wonder what the people of Greenland are feeling now.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, well, that, that, that would be easy.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I mean, you could just walk in and start kicking stuff. In Greenland, they're gonna surrender, but yeah, I'm not sure. I'm like, you know, temperate. Take one. I'm fine with that. But this is pretty awesome. And I know I'm gonna get emails from people about it, but I don't see. You don't understand. Today you can't bring me down. I'm fine with blowing pink. Other countries can explode. I'm fine with that. Wish it's very close. Maybe that's Brady's got. I Think maybe that could be a Brady's Got. Could Venezuela fight back, starting in Baltimore? Maybe. Few bombs. Bombs on that one. That would be all right. We'll give up Baltimore for a Venezuela attack. Just one of the last thing I hear on, like, a tape is, oh, no, and that's Lamar running. And you get that on tape. Anyway, nice little break. Nice little. I mean, it went fast, though. The holiday break is now over. Here we are in 2026. We have 51 states. We started with 50 in 2025. Now I got 51. One doesn't speak English, but we'll get them.

[Brett Vesely]

We got a couple states that don't speak English.

[John Holmberg]

Well, that's a good point. That's a strong. Not for long, Brett. Now we own Venezuela. We'll send them back to the state that they sound like. See? Now we own Venezuela. So all these ice people need to go home and, like, you're still in the States, just a little further away than you wanted.

[Brett Vesely]

Just put them in Tucson. Be about the same thing.

[John Holmberg]

That's what I said. Yeah, but still. Yeah, they're going to Tucson. They feel like it's the same as Venezuela down there.

[Brett Vesely]

I feel right at home.

[John Holmberg]

He might take over. Good.

[Brett Vesely]

Then he can have it.

[John Holmberg]

This place reminds me of home anyway. Yeah, I'm fine. That was neat, though. I watched that, and I'm like, wow, this is. They're not even hiding the fact that they just. I mean, if that was on the Sopranos, you'd be like, man, Tony's the boss. That's exactly what just happened. He took a family out. I'm not super thrilled with the idea of, you know, running around stealing presidents, but it is cool. And I'm a movie guy, and if that was in a movie, we'd all be like, awesome.

[Dick Toledo]

My sister had a source. Her. The lady that cleans her house is from Venezuela. And when that whole thing was going down, she calls a couple things. How do they feel? You know, cold. She talked to her relatives over there, and, like, they're happy.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

They didn't like him. They're not crazy about, yeah, what are you gonna do? Yeah, but I'm like, that would be wild.

[John Holmberg]

Your whole regime just goes away.

[Dick Toledo]

Goes away.

[John Holmberg]

And quietly. Yeah, that was. He knew he was gonna get iced. Who knows? We'll see what happens next. But our gas is going to be cheaper. And if I know this world, at least this country, if we're paying a buck 30 for gas and we keep in mind Venezuela, when everybody was losing their minds here, was like, 19 cents a gallon. And everybody's like, in Colombia and Venezuela, they paid more of it than anything. It was inevitable that we turned our noses that way and went, what are they doing different than us? Oh, they got it all. So once you start paying 19 cents a gallon, you're gonna be all right with it. Even two bucks a gallon. Be like, all right, how'd we get this done? Oh, we had to go in and catch or.

[Dick Toledo]

You're welcome.

[John Holmberg]

I think I told you guys. Vroom, vroom. Take that Tesla. Actually cheaper now to do the gas it. Yeah, I was pretty blown away anyway. Pretty good. Brady got blown up himself in a car. Is it you got. What happened? He text me a little thing that basically said, you got t boned or rear ended?

[Dick Toledo]

Rear ended.

[John Holmberg]

Rear ended by an undocumented.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, he had a driver's license. Mexican driver's license.

[John Holmberg]

I don't count. Yeah, that's as good as having, you know, a Quaker oats box.

[Dick Toledo]

And whether or not, you know, I took a picture of it.

[John Holmberg]

You took. He showed it to you and you took a picture.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, just to have. Because I didn't know what else to do because he doesn't. He doesn't have insurance either.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, so that's twice.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

You've been hit by two immigrants. Two times. Undocumented, uninsured.

[Dick Toledo]

Uninsured. The three, technically, but the one had insurance.

[John Holmberg]

You've been hit three times by illegals.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, when I first moved here.

[John Holmberg]

No kidding.

[Dick Toledo]

At Texas Grill. Well, guy backed out of there and then.

[John Holmberg]

But you were.

[Dick Toledo]

He gives me the insurance info, and I called the insurance agency. Like, he hasn't had a policy for two years.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, geez.

[Brett Vesely]

Probably wasn't even his.

[John Holmberg]

But Brady was a Texas. Brady was a Texas girl. So when he was pulling out, like, I don't care what happens next. It might seem crazy. We got that chicken fried sink. Ah, I got hit.

[Dick Toledo]

That worked out well for that guy, the state farm agent. He's like, who do you insure with? Well, I just moved here from Wisconsin. You need insurance? He became my agent.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, no kidding.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, for about 15 years.

[John Holmberg]

Getting crashed out by an illegal got you an insurance relationship. How about that? That's pretty great. Well, good for you. This guy hit you. Did he speak English? No, None.

[Dick Toledo]

So the first police that came to the scene was female from Gilbert.

[John Holmberg]

That's not.

[Dick Toledo]

She didn't know any English or she didn't know Spanish.

[John Holmberg]

I didn't speak English.

[Dick Toledo]

So she had to call another officer to come in there to interpret. I could Understand a little bit.

[John Holmberg]

Because I was asking him translate on your phone. That apps amazing.

[Dick Toledo]

You know, I was just talking with him. Didn't get to that, but that. I was like, were you texting? See, I mean, because he just smashed India, but his car was loaded with boxes.

[John Holmberg]

And you're thinking, yeah, it's all drugs because you're a bigot. And there was a baby back there in the boxes.

[Dick Toledo]

The whole thing was loaded.

[John Holmberg]

It was trafficking. What are you doing?

[Dick Toledo]

A baby in the box. It was just. I didn't know that for like 15 minutes. And the police officer goes over there because it's. His wife is in the front seat or girlfriend.

[John Holmberg]

Right.

[Dick Toledo]

And she's, you know, crying and.

[John Holmberg]

Sure.

[Dick Toledo]

They finally go over to the car and like, oh, there's a baby back there. Is everything okay? You know, because they hit pretty hard.

[John Holmberg]

Was it 70s baby, or was it strapped up in a car seat?

[Dick Toledo]

I didn't see the baby.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, well, how'd you know there's a baby?

[John Holmberg]

Somebody just screamed out because the officer.

[Dick Toledo]

Came over because they, you know, they separated to get the stories of both crowd. I wanted to hear him. His version of it, but nothing. He's like, we are. He will be. He's written up for not registering in Arizona. He came to Arizona? Sure. And he's. He started to work. He was moving into a apartment in Chandler.

[John Holmberg]

So he's kind of almost legal. He had a visa, I think. So you don't know. You don't know anything. You didn't ask any questions.

[Dick Toledo]

Everybody can't find out.

[John Holmberg]

Sure you can. Are you legal? See? Okay. He says yes. That's it. Or just. Just say ice. Should I call ICE and if he gets.

[Dick Toledo]

He's new in town.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's very new in town.

[Dick Toledo]

He was. Because his license was a temporary Sonoran Mexican.

[John Holmberg]

It's temporary from Mexico.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, it was a 2012 Jeep Renegade.

[John Holmberg]

I think that's what. Yeah, the little one's right for him. Yeah, a little. They're relatively. You know.

[Brett Vesely]

Come on.

[John Holmberg]

But for an illegal alien that's running into Brady, Sure. Sure. That.

[Brett Vesely]

Did he offer to trim your palm trees and stuff, too?

[John Holmberg]

I wonder if Brady got a guy gets tires for like, a buck and a half.

[Dick Toledo]

He's. They're living at the place. At my place right now.

[John Holmberg]

I bet they are. That's pretty great.

[Dick Toledo]

My mom is like, I feel so bad for him.

[John Holmberg]

Was she in the car?

[Dick Toledo]

Yes, she was with you and Kirby. Were.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my goodness. Well, Kirby's old enough that I'm not worried about her forehead on the. On the back seat. You're in the back seat. Everything's fine. Those are cushy. But your mom's good.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And she got jarred pretty good. Yeah. And your car's. Maybe no one done.

[Dick Toledo]

No, the. I mean, it'll need a back bumper, muffler on the one side.

[John Holmberg]

No. Just kind of crunched up the back.

[Dick Toledo]

End and the tailgate. Tailgate.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. It's gonna need a whole new gate.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Job.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. Well, he said he was working.

[Brett Vesely]

We can get him a job as a truck driver like the other guy that came to your house.

[John Holmberg]

That's right, man.

[Dick Toledo]

Still haven't found him a job yet.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, we're working on that, man. Go get there. What happened to job placement? Come on. Brady's gonna have Maduro as his neighbor. Hey, you can call me Nicholas. You said your name was Bob. My prefer Nicholas. Okay, I got no questions for you. I like living next to Brady. He's question free all times.

[Dick Toledo]

Really nice. He gave me a gold bar.

[John Holmberg]

Here's the bar of gold. Valenzuela. Do you know him? What are you talking about, Fernando? This is Venezuela on it. It is not Valenzuela.

[Brett Vesely]

And a box of baking soda, too.

[John Holmberg]

I watched the guy they interviewed on the Internet who said he was kind of not articulate, but a little bit like. He seemed like he knew what he was talking about, but he kept calling it Valenzuela. And I'm like, stop. Just stop the interview with this guy and somebody fix that because Sounds like retarded.

[Dick Toledo]

You can't.

[John Holmberg]

You can't speak about the country we invaded if you keep calling it Valenzuela. Then we flew in. In Caracas. Valenzuela. It's like, no, he's off. Off. He's off the news. And he was. Yeah. This is ridiculous. Anyway, that was a weird one. Brett, you do anything good?

[Brett Vesely]

Was Vin Scully doing that interview, by the way?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that would have been great. What a great day to intervene in huge affairs. Maduro didn't put up a fight at all. Much like the Dodgers in 77 against the Yankees. Yeah, I. Fernando, get something. Something. Check out homework's Morning Sickness [e-mail] the.

[Dick Toledo]

NFL playoffs are set and I know my team's. And underdog is where I'll make watching them the best way to get in on the action. It's Dick Toledo from the morning sickness. And playing on underdog is so easy. Just pick if your favorite players will go higher or lower on their stats. My team is on a first round buy, but I'll be pulling for Saquon Kittle and Josh Allen to all go higher on their projections. Play the playoffs with me and download the app today and use the promo code HMS to score $75 in bonus entries when you play your first $5. That's promo code HMS Underdog Make Picks win money must be 18 plus, 19 plus in Alabama and Nebraska, 19 plus in Colorado for some games, 21 plus in Arizona, Massachusetts and Virginia and present in a state where underdog fantasy operates. Terms apply. See assets.underdogfantasy.com web playand getterms_dfs_html for details. Offer not valid in Maryland, Michigan, New Jersey, New York, Ohio and Pennsylvania. Concerned with your play? Call 1-800-GAMBLER or visit www.ncpgambling.org. in New York, call 24. 7, Hope Line at 1-87-7-8, Hope NY or text Hopeny to 467-369- Holmberg's.

[Brett Vesely]

Morning.

[Dick Toledo]

I. I went back to the frozen tundra this past weekend to Columbus, Ohio.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, did you?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

For what?

[Dick Toledo]

Family friend, A funeral.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, geez.

[Dick Toledo]

There's spontaneous.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You had a great break.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Mashed by Mexicans. You go jealous. People are dying. Yeah. And you know what? You can't bring me down, buddy, with all your negativity. I'm fine. It might seem crazy. Was a person that passed away named Lamar? No. Oh, well, it was worth a shot.

[Dick Toledo]

Tandy Markwood.

[John Holmberg]

What happened to him?

[Dick Toledo]

He was a friend of.

[John Holmberg]

Friend of the family, one of the old guys.

[Dick Toledo]

Close friend.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

A year younger than my dad.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, Jesus. Like architect. Yeah. You went back to his funeral?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Just say hi to everybody or.

[Dick Toledo]

Well, yeah, we were close. We grew up together. Families were really close and felt like 90. Well, my mom was out here and he kind of, he, he, you know, was at the tail end and he passed away while my mom was out here and I'm like, I should probably go back for this. But then looking at tickets and stuff.

[John Holmberg]

Sure. Yeah. You got a lot on your plate. Right.

[Dick Toledo]

Went for it.

[John Holmberg]

And it was fun. Going back to Ohio. Four degrees trying to 16. That's miserable. Miserable again. I don't love anybody.

[Dick Toledo]

It had a bite.

[John Holmberg]

Oh sure. A little stingy.

[Dick Toledo]

It'd been a while.

[John Holmberg]

Was the funeral fun?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, it really was. He had he.

[John Holmberg]

90 year old funerals are the best band. Yeah, they're the best because everybody. Oh yeah. When 90 year olds die, they have bands and like it's, it's like a. It's like a wedding reception. It's totally different than regular funerals because.

[Brett Vesely]

Everybody'S gonna do an old person funeral then.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Because they're waiting for him to die. It's like years of planning. It's.

[Dick Toledo]

And you got the Soggy Bottom Boys playing.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

It was inspiring.

[John Holmberg]

Well, it was.

[Dick Toledo]

As far as the songs they're doing. You thought, oh, boy, I. And I didn't know he was.

[John Holmberg]

I.

[Dick Toledo]

He grew up in Tennessee and then full went to Princeton and the Mountain Dew guy. Architect.

[John Holmberg]

And. Sure. But still, 90 year old funerals are the best. If you get. If you ever get a chance to go to, like, old, just crash those. They're. They're fun. They have good food. Like, everything's fun about it. Like, Nobody misses a 90 year old, except for like maybe other 90 year olds. Outside of that, everybody.

[Dick Toledo]

It was a celebration.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. If it has to be, he's gone. Like there. You're thrilled about it. 90. It's. It's time. And nobody ever takes that call and breaks down and screams like, no, no, no. You just have to, you know, Mr. Simpson's gone. Oh, yeah. All right. When's the service? Nobody ever has that breakdown like in good times when Florida lost it, when James got in the car. Damn, damn, damn. Nobody ever has any sort of like, oh, I can't believe this. So then just start Planning a party. Does 90s. Getting it done all the way around. You know, anybody lives to be 90, there's no reason to be sad. At their funeral. Everything was going to get worse. Every day was a little worse than the one before. So they checked out before it got crazy. Now I want to go to one. We'll look them up. You know what? I used to look at the obituaries and see, like the oldest person and try to check out the funeral.

[Dick Toledo]

The thing that was sad about the funeral is he designed a lot of churches and he was gonna ask to do. The family wanted to do the church. The funeral at a church that he designed. And the church was like, okay. And then he said they're gonna have a bluegrass band. No, you can't have it there at the church because of the bluegrass.

[John Holmberg]

Black magic.

[Dick Toledo]

Don't know. Weird.

[Larry McFeely]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

It's not like that's the devil's music.

[John Holmberg]

They just.

[Brett Vesely]

Bluegrass.

[John Holmberg]

They just didn't like the guy. That's somebody playing or something.

[Brett Vesely]

I mean, or Cannibal Corpse.

[John Holmberg]

And why can't you have that?

[Dick Toledo]

That's true. I mean, that's.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

You'd think you'd let the architect have his funeral place that he designed for the church.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Unless they didn't like him.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Somebody.

[Dick Toledo]

Well, they paid him. He had some churches that never paid him.

[John Holmberg]

Then the deal's over. At that point, they owe you nothing. If there's a royalties deal where you still. You pay a man also, you get your funeral there. That is kind of a cruddy move. But still. Maybe they didn't like the design. Maybe it's like our building here. If the guy who died, who designed this place.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Came in and said, I want to be honored in this building. We're like, this place is falling apart. It's 10 years old. Kidding me.

[Brett Vesely]

Toilets are already backed up.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, toilets don't work. The door frames come off. Sometimes you open a door in this building, and sometimes the whole frame comes off. Was on my fault. Yes, it is.

[Larry McFeely]

You're not.

[John Holmberg]

Nobody's honoring you here. Move on. Go to one of your good buildings. But we'd tell him, I'm so sorry. He's gone. But, yeah, we're busy that week, and we can't do a funeral here. Now, this guy says, john, you have to acknowledge the higher power. Did you not see that? Last night before the game, a priest was blessing the Steelers end zone with holy water. You have to believe now. Come on. What more do you need? A little more than that. I need a little more than that. But, hey, whatever works.

[Dick Toledo]

Bring them back next week.

[John Holmberg]

Had the. Had the priest gone up and, like, poured holy water down on one of the uprights, and then the one that went past, like. Like sailed past or the balls heading towards it, and then it, like, just stopped and made a direct right that I would then be like, oh, geez, there's something. Yeah, they showed that priest chucking holy water in the end zone. And I think they've done that a few times, and they've lost. So. Same as flipping a coin.

[Brett Vesely]

It's got a bottle of Dasani out there.

[John Holmberg]

Whatever works. Yeah. I don't even understand how you use.

[Dick Toledo]

They lose the footage of the ones you lose.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah. You don't. You don't show the priest doing that because it's like, you know, Pazuzu showed up or something. Oh, man. Oh, man. What a start to the year. Just awesome. So worried last night, too. So right as they're lining up for that kick, I'm like, I just had two and a half weeks off. I gotta figure out how to go back tomorrow miserable if this prick hits this kick. And you know what's even better, Brady? U of A. He sucks twice. Ah, that was great. Oh, I was pooping. I text somebody last night, right? And I got. By the way, at 9:41, I got 144 text messages because it was just such an unbelievable finish to the. My phone just went. I'm like, whoa. But I was texting Steeler friends who weren't at my house that it's been a nice run. I've enjoyed my time, and I'm gonna kill myself. This is it. I'm done. There's nothing about this that's enjoyable about life anymore. And catch was amazing by Isaiah. Like, I'm like, that's it. I just. So. I'm so. Hey. Brief or lengthy, however it's been, I've enjoyed my time with you, and it's been good, but I'm out. It's been fun. And only Steeler fans would have understood that and said, yeah, John's gonna kill himself. It makes sense. They wouldn't have even been upset. But then afterwards, I rescinded all my suicide notes, and I. And my phone erupted. It was so good. And the Cardinal fans. I'm sorry, but you guys, it's. There's time. You. You. I can't imagine carnival fans have never felt this. Like, they don't feel joy ever, Ever. And they're gonna fire everybody today. Everybody over there's getting fired, and they're just gonna walk into next year with no hope, no quarterback, no nothing. And some new. New guy. Maybe John Harbaugh will come here. Oh, wouldn't that be great if I could hate him in the same city. Oh, man. And maybe you think Baltimore. Yeah. Oh, I hope so. And then maybe one of Brady's illegals will go smashing into John Harbaugh, and I'd have, like, the greatest day ever. It might seem crazy. And watch him go into one of them Stephen Hawking wheelchairs. They're gonna coach the Cardinals next year. Like, they can't fire him after that. That'll be the head coach on the sideline coaching. Harbaugh's wheeling himself around because one of Brady's illegals crushed him. Brady's got, like. He's like Charlie from Charlie's Angels when it comes to illegals. He's got three.

[Dick Toledo]

Struck by lightning.

[Brett Vesely]

Damn.

[John Holmberg]

Did you cuss in the car? What the.

[Byron from MMP Guns]

Come on.

[John Holmberg]

What the.

[Dick Toledo]

Going on? No, it was up. You're hearing the wheels screeching, and you're looking in the rearview mirror. Here he is sliding. So I take my foot off the gas. I only have about 20ft in front of the car in front of me to kind of inch up a little bit, But I don't want him to, you know? I'm hoping he doesn't hit Buddy.

[John Holmberg]

He did.

[Dick Toledo]

It didn't put me into the other car in front of me, though. It was good.

[John Holmberg]

No, it's good you kept foot strong on the brake. Did he hitch a maga? Did you immediately go, like, right wing, get him out of here kind of feeling did you go. So unreasonable. Speak America. Yeah, but did you become an unreasonable American?

[Dick Toledo]

No.

[John Holmberg]

Once you realized he wasn't for. I would have my. My bigotry.

[Dick Toledo]

No, but it would totally look you. It could look that way.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, sure, sure. Well, it's okay. And it's reasonable because you were right. He shouldn't. Well, if he shouldn't be here, he shouldn't be here, but. Yeah. You can't help it when you get hit by somebody, immediately hate them and their family.

[Dick Toledo]

Well, you should have insurance.

[John Holmberg]

Sure.

[Dick Toledo]

That's the thing.

[John Holmberg]

That's a rule. Yeah. Yeah. It's a good one too. Joshua says, John, I went to bed absolutely elated knowing I would wake up and hear you talk about this game, and it's better than I thought. F. Lamar Jackson. If today was a wiener, Lamar would be eating it. Great day for the show to be back. Couldn't agree more. Josh. Josh Haley, if I sent you a suicide note last night, please resend it. It's fine. I'm good again. It's all good. And we own Valenzuela, so it's an awesome day. Lamar, he's crying his eyes out. And we own Valenzuela. That's the best. What a great. What a great break. Christmas.

[Brett Vesely]

Christmas is great.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's exactly right. John Harbaugh sad. He's probably gonna get fired. Oh, could it be better? I. I may get arrested for indecent exposure today if I have, like, John Harbaugh got fired up. Hey, you can't do that here. I'm like. I'm sorry. You shouldn't have said that out loud.

[Dick Toledo]

Hey, you.

[John Holmberg]

Hey. This guy's jerking off at the amp. I'm sorry. News broke. Ah. Anyway, so happy New Year to all of you. And we got our new Wake up song coming, too. Just seconds away from our brand new Wake up song. We'll see if it's worth a crap or not. The Thomas Jane band, right?

[Brett Vesely]

I saw them this.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, you did? How are they?

[Brett Vesely]

They're good.

[John Holmberg]

Did they play the song? No. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

They played out in Thighs bar.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I had a lot going on over the break. I have no idea. I have no memory of it. After last night, I don't care. Everything got. Everything got washed away by last evening. It was great. Oh, and Cardinal Finch just quit. Just quit. You're like, I'm gonna start that now. I listened to another thing on the news this morning about teachers. If I actually have to buy my own supplies, that means I'm making less than $10. Who can live on that? Get another job. I've never heard a waitress complain that she's not making enough tips and not realize there's other jobs. You get crap. I got $28,000 a year. What am I supposed to do with that? I don't know. Get a job making more somewhere else.

[Brett Vesely]

Go over electrical.

[John Holmberg]

Just quit. So I'm going to tell Cardinal fans the exact same thing I've been telling public school teachers for years. Quit. There's so many other options and there's no hope. As long as Bidwells are there, guys are just going to keep doing this. You know who might break that zero interceptions record? To the left. To the left. They're the jets of the West.

[Dick Toledo]

Still.

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Dick Toledo]

No matter what. No, they're excited when the football starts.

[John Holmberg]

No, they're excited, but just because football's back up so they can watch good Sunday, Monday night games, they're never on it.

[Dick Toledo]

Just quit.

[John Holmberg]

Today's the day. Today's the day to tell the Bidwells, I'm done. Cancel your season tickets. Go buy that YouTube package.

[Brett Vesely]

No. In the Cardinals. They'll hire the DC from the jets.

[John Holmberg]

To come here too.

[Brett Vesely]

I mean, they're so stupid.

[John Holmberg]

Aaron Glenn comes here. Be great. Oh, my God. I'm just.

[Dick Toledo]

The fact that they hired the ticket prices, too.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I. I looked at my penis last night, like right before bed. Oh, okay. Yeah. And my. I swear to you, I'm not kidding. My urethra was like the edges of it were tilted up. It was smiling. Not kidding. I looked at it. I said, this is. This is pure, full, unadulterated body joy. My dick had a grin and there's teeth in it. Like I didn't know that. They look good. He's taking care of it. Big toothy smile. It was beautiful. At 6:21. Let's get a wake up song. We own Valenzuela. I've never been happier in my life. The birth of my child is stupid. I'd punt that. This is. This is true joy. You give us a wake up song. 5, 8, 5, 9, 800 and we'll get this thing started off proper. It's 98 KUPD. Wake up. Hey, it's not weird.

[Dick Toledo]

It's pretty cool actually. No membership fee.

[John Holmberg]

I have heard enough of this.

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