Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – January 5, 2026

Episode: 01-05-26 – FULL SHOW – MONDAY

Overview: The Most Joyful Day Ever (and a Very Holmberg Return)

On this first show of 2026, John Holmberg and his crew—Brady Bogen, Brett Vesely, and Dick Toledo—return from the holiday break in jubilant moods, primarily fueled by the Ravens’ playoff exit at the hands of John’s beloved Steelers. The episode is packed with raucous NFL banter, conspiracy theories (from Venezuela coups to the moon landing), listener stories, and even some heartfelt (or not-so-heartfelt) moments about life, death, and micropenises. Buckle up for irreverence, sports joy, deep cynicism, and a wild start to the new year in classic HMS fashion.

1. NFL Joy, Schadenfreude, and Ravens Hate

Main thread: Holmberg’s glee about the Steelers knocking the Ravens out of the playoffs.
Tone: Pure unfiltered sports fanaticism, petty joy, and anti-Ravens venom.

[02:11] John Holmberg: “There go the Ravens out of the playoffs and I cannot stop ejaculating… Sad Harp Jackson. It’s the only thing I care about… I know what true joy is.”
The team describes the unmatched euphoria of rival teams’ pain: “Nothing compared to this. My first grandchild? That’s just feces flying out your mouth... until your sports team destroys its rival.”
[04:40] Jokes about “The room”—Toledo is buying Super Bowl tickets for the Steelers; Brady laments his Bengals/Ohio State woes.
[05:41] On Lamar Jackson: “This guy’s really not very bright, is he? I threw the ball up. I like it going.”
[09:06] Holmberg on his own TV commercial fatigue during the dull Cardinals game.
[08:45] Side trip on “unbreakable records”: marveling at the NY Jets achieving zero interceptions for a season.

Memorable Quote:

“Nothing compared to this... when your enemies suffer. When people you don’t like fail. That’s where joy lives.”
– John Holmberg [03:31]

2. Venezuela, World Events, and "Arranged Coups"

Topic: The U.S.-led operation ousting Venezuela’s president
Tone: Sarcastic skepticism, wit, and references to mafia movies & pop culture.

[10:11] John Holmberg: Calls the Venezuela operation “the single most Jussie Smollet military act I’ve ever seen.”
Analysis: Calls it a witness relocation/mob thing, not a real coup, referencing organized crime procedures and Absurdist US foreign policy
[11:31] Brett: “Maduro’s gonna be living out in Santan Valley here in about a year.”
Celebration: “Congratulations, U.S.A. We just picked up more oil than Saudi Arabia and more gold than the world has. I like that we’re Hitlering around the world now, but without killing anybody. That’s awesome.” [10:59]
Fans out the hypothetical: “Imagine waking up and finding some country just flew in and took Trump and Melania away...” [12:16]
[16:51] – Jokes about new 51st state: “Now we own Venezuela. We have 51 states. One doesn’t speak English, but we’ll get them.”
[17:45] Brady: Venezuelan friends in Arizona are happy the old regime is gone.

3. Brady’s Holiday Car Accident Saga

Topic: Brady's run-in with uninsured, undocumented drivers
Tone: Equal parts exhaustion, dark humor, and local Arizona realities

Brady was rear-ended over the break by a man with a Mexican driver’s license, no insurance, a car full of boxes—and a baby.
“That's as good as having, you know, a Quaker Oats box for a license.” [19:17]
This is the third time he’s been hit by an undocumented/uninsured driver.
The police needed a Spanish-speaking officer to manage the scene.
Everyone was (finally) okay, but, as John jokes: “Brady's got, like. He's like Charlie from Charlie's Angels when it comes to illegals. He’s got three.” [35:11]
Plenty of ribbing ensues about the possibility of Brady hiring the guy to do odd jobs.

4. Moon Landings, Black Holes, and the Slippery Slope of YouTube Wormholes (Conspiracy Corner)

Topic: Idle-time YouTube watching turns John into a full-blown skeptic (or at least “moon-landing-curious”)
Tone: Playful, open-minded, paranoid

John details his internet “spiral,” learning about Neil deGrasse Tyson black hole warnings, a possible “no-gravity for six seconds” day in August, and the probability of mass carnage from floating/falling.
- [55:42] “...there’s a chance, it's pretty good chance, but not like a crazy chance, that it'll affect earth. And if in fact that happens, there’s a probability that we will lose gravity for six seconds.”
- The team thinks through “no gravity” scenarios: raining cars, flying bears, squirrels stuck to the ceiling, and mass splatter upon re-entry.
Holmberg gets heavily into moon-landing skepticism:
- Details suspicious NASA tape destruction, Van Allen radiation belt, reliance on filmed TV screens as “footage.”
- [59:26] “Now I no longer believe we went to the moon. It’s based solely on the idea that the new moon mission keeps talking about how we ‘figured out’ how to get men to the moon.”
- The crew has fun with the idea, but John clarifies: “It doesn’t mean I want to be your friend, conspiracy loonies. I’m ashamed to feel this way.” [84:40]

Memorable Quote:

“I now no longer believe we went to the moon... if you ever see my soulmate, dodge her. She looks like she’s gonna die in childbirth.”
– John Holmberg [59:26/50:35]

5. Aging, Funerals, and Bluegrass Bans

Topic: Brady describes a trip back to Ohio for a 90-year-old’s funeral
Tone: Earnest, then quickly irreverent

Old-guy funerals = celebrations, not tragedies (“If it has to be, he’s gone... there’s no reason to be sad at their funeral. Everything was going to get worse. He checked out before it got crazy.” [29:27])
Church refused to host because the family wanted bluegrass music—“It’s not like it’s the devil’s music!”
John proposes: “Crashing 90-year-old funerals—good food, happy people.”

6. Technology, Space, and Micro Penis World Records (Miscellaneous Chaos)

Sidebars include:
- Exploding gift-buying habits from John on Instagram (including “find your soulmate for $29”)
- Fun facts about the tiniest penis ever recorded [138:08], a North Carolina man’s campaign for Guinness World Record status
- [145:00] “If you’re 3.6 inches, you have a huge micro penis... it’s the silver lining.”

7. Listener Interactions and Life Advice (What Would Brady Do?)

Advice for taking your 81-year-old dad to a Bengals game—Cincinnati may be dreadful, but “you go where dad wants.”
Opening a “comfort food” restaurant: make sure you’re ready for nonstop work; don’t pick a name so hipster nobody understands it.
Marriage with no affection for four years—see a counselor, or (everyone jokes) “go get some fresh p*ss.”
Classic HMS: sarcastic, crude, and honest.

8. Cultural Rants and 2026 Observations

Mexican Music Ticketing:

Holmberg: “If I can hear Mexican [tuba] music coming out of your car, that’s $285 fine.” [90:39]

Permanent Holiday Lights:

John laments the take-down of Christmas decorations—“I like when houses are dressed up like prostitutes.”

Moon-landing Group Therapy:

John: “I'm not joining your club... But my rope’s on your side now.”

9. Notable Quotes & Moments

Sports fanaticism: “I looked at my penis last night, right before bed... my urethra was tilted up, it was smiling. Full, unadulterated body joy!” – John Holmberg [39:08]
Conspiracy epiphany: “Idle Hands. You get a little goofy.” – John [63:02]
Brady’s karma: “Twice. You've been hit by two immigrants. Three, technically, but the one had insurance.” – [19:31]
On funerals: “Nobody misses a 90-year-old except maybe other 90-year-olds.” – [29:27]
Moon Landings: “I don't want to be in the mix of people that don't believe in the moon landing. You scare me.” – [65:09]
On the state of Arizona sports: “As long as the Bidwells are there, guys are just going to keep doing this. They're the Jets of the West.” – [38:35]

10. Timestamps for Key Segments

NFL/Ravens schadenfreude: 02:11 – 07:48
Venezuela coup analysis: 10:11 – 18:02
Brady’s accident saga: 19:11 – 26:47
Bluegrass-ban church funeral: 27:06 – 32:40
Moon landing/No gravity conspiracy: 54:48 – 63:21
Listener advice/What Would Brady Do?: 150:38 – 162:46
Micro penis story: 138:08 – 147:13

11. Tone & Language

This is classic HMS: irreverent, unfiltered, deeply sarcastic, and full of inside jokes about Arizona life, cultural trends, aging, relationships, and sports. They rib each other mercilessly but slip in surprisingly honest life observations among all the laughs, griping, and conspiracy detours.

That’s a wrap: Welcome to 2026 with HMS—where your happiness is someone else’s misery, the government is always up to something, and the only thing unbreakable is the Jets’ no-interception record.

Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – January 5, 2026

Episode: 01-05-26 – FULL SHOW – MONDAY

Overview: The Most Joyful Day Ever (and a Very Holmberg Return)

1. NFL Joy, Schadenfreude, and Ravens Hate

Main thread: Holmberg’s glee about the Steelers knocking the Ravens out of the playoffs.
Tone: Pure unfiltered sports fanaticism, petty joy, and anti-Ravens venom.

[02:11] John Holmberg: “There go the Ravens out of the playoffs and I cannot stop ejaculating… Sad Harp Jackson. It’s the only thing I care about… I know what true joy is.”
The team describes the unmatched euphoria of rival teams’ pain: “Nothing compared to this. My first grandchild? That’s just feces flying out your mouth... until your sports team destroys its rival.”
[04:40] Jokes about “The room”—Toledo is buying Super Bowl tickets for the Steelers; Brady laments his Bengals/Ohio State woes.
[05:41] On Lamar Jackson: “This guy’s really not very bright, is he? I threw the ball up. I like it going.”
[09:06] Holmberg on his own TV commercial fatigue during the dull Cardinals game.
[08:45] Side trip on “unbreakable records”: marveling at the NY Jets achieving zero interceptions for a season.

Memorable Quote:

“Nothing compared to this... when your enemies suffer. When people you don’t like fail. That’s where joy lives.”
– John Holmberg [03:31]

2. Venezuela, World Events, and "Arranged Coups"

Topic: The U.S.-led operation ousting Venezuela’s president
Tone: Sarcastic skepticism, wit, and references to mafia movies & pop culture.

[10:11] John Holmberg: Calls the Venezuela operation “the single most Jussie Smollet military act I’ve ever seen.”
Analysis: Calls it a witness relocation/mob thing, not a real coup, referencing organized crime procedures and Absurdist US foreign policy
[11:31] Brett: “Maduro’s gonna be living out in Santan Valley here in about a year.”
Celebration: “Congratulations, U.S.A. We just picked up more oil than Saudi Arabia and more gold than the world has. I like that we’re Hitlering around the world now, but without killing anybody. That’s awesome.” [10:59]
Fans out the hypothetical: “Imagine waking up and finding some country just flew in and took Trump and Melania away...” [12:16]
[16:51] – Jokes about new 51st state: “Now we own Venezuela. We have 51 states. One doesn’t speak English, but we’ll get them.”
[17:45] Brady: Venezuelan friends in Arizona are happy the old regime is gone.

3. Brady’s Holiday Car Accident Saga

Topic: Brady's run-in with uninsured, undocumented drivers
Tone: Equal parts exhaustion, dark humor, and local Arizona realities

Brady was rear-ended over the break by a man with a Mexican driver’s license, no insurance, a car full of boxes—and a baby.
“That's as good as having, you know, a Quaker Oats box for a license.” [19:17]
This is the third time he’s been hit by an undocumented/uninsured driver.
The police needed a Spanish-speaking officer to manage the scene.
Everyone was (finally) okay, but, as John jokes: “Brady's got, like. He's like Charlie from Charlie's Angels when it comes to illegals. He’s got three.” [35:11]
Plenty of ribbing ensues about the possibility of Brady hiring the guy to do odd jobs.

4. Moon Landings, Black Holes, and the Slippery Slope of YouTube Wormholes (Conspiracy Corner)

Topic: Idle-time YouTube watching turns John into a full-blown skeptic (or at least “moon-landing-curious”)
Tone: Playful, open-minded, paranoid

John details his internet “spiral,” learning about Neil deGrasse Tyson black hole warnings, a possible “no-gravity for six seconds” day in August, and the probability of mass carnage from floating/falling.
- [55:42] “...there’s a chance, it's pretty good chance, but not like a crazy chance, that it'll affect earth. And if in fact that happens, there’s a probability that we will lose gravity for six seconds.”
- The team thinks through “no gravity” scenarios: raining cars, flying bears, squirrels stuck to the ceiling, and mass splatter upon re-entry.
Holmberg gets heavily into moon-landing skepticism:
- Details suspicious NASA tape destruction, Van Allen radiation belt, reliance on filmed TV screens as “footage.”
- [59:26] “Now I no longer believe we went to the moon. It’s based solely on the idea that the new moon mission keeps talking about how we ‘figured out’ how to get men to the moon.”
- The crew has fun with the idea, but John clarifies: “It doesn’t mean I want to be your friend, conspiracy loonies. I’m ashamed to feel this way.” [84:40]

Memorable Quote:

“I now no longer believe we went to the moon... if you ever see my soulmate, dodge her. She looks like she’s gonna die in childbirth.”
– John Holmberg [59:26/50:35]

5. Aging, Funerals, and Bluegrass Bans

Topic: Brady describes a trip back to Ohio for a 90-year-old’s funeral
Tone: Earnest, then quickly irreverent

Old-guy funerals = celebrations, not tragedies (“If it has to be, he’s gone... there’s no reason to be sad at their funeral. Everything was going to get worse. He checked out before it got crazy.” [29:27])
Church refused to host because the family wanted bluegrass music—“It’s not like it’s the devil’s music!”
John proposes: “Crashing 90-year-old funerals—good food, happy people.”

6. Technology, Space, and Micro Penis World Records (Miscellaneous Chaos)

Sidebars include:
- Exploding gift-buying habits from John on Instagram (including “find your soulmate for $29”)
- Fun facts about the tiniest penis ever recorded [138:08], a North Carolina man’s campaign for Guinness World Record status
- [145:00] “If you’re 3.6 inches, you have a huge micro penis... it’s the silver lining.”

7. Listener Interactions and Life Advice (What Would Brady Do?)

Advice for taking your 81-year-old dad to a Bengals game—Cincinnati may be dreadful, but “you go where dad wants.”
Opening a “comfort food” restaurant: make sure you’re ready for nonstop work; don’t pick a name so hipster nobody understands it.
Marriage with no affection for four years—see a counselor, or (everyone jokes) “go get some fresh p*ss.”
Classic HMS: sarcastic, crude, and honest.

8. Cultural Rants and 2026 Observations

Mexican Music Ticketing:

Holmberg: “If I can hear Mexican [tuba] music coming out of your car, that’s $285 fine.” [90:39]

Permanent Holiday Lights:

John laments the take-down of Christmas decorations—“I like when houses are dressed up like prostitutes.”

Moon-landing Group Therapy:

John: “I'm not joining your club... But my rope’s on your side now.”

9. Notable Quotes & Moments

Sports fanaticism: “I looked at my penis last night, right before bed... my urethra was tilted up, it was smiling. Full, unadulterated body joy!” – John Holmberg [39:08]
Conspiracy epiphany: “Idle Hands. You get a little goofy.” – John [63:02]
Brady’s karma: “Twice. You've been hit by two immigrants. Three, technically, but the one had insurance.” – [19:31]
On funerals: “Nobody misses a 90-year-old except maybe other 90-year-olds.” – [29:27]
Moon Landings: “I don't want to be in the mix of people that don't believe in the moon landing. You scare me.” – [65:09]
On the state of Arizona sports: “As long as the Bidwells are there, guys are just going to keep doing this. They're the Jets of the West.” – [38:35]

10. Timestamps for Key Segments

NFL/Ravens schadenfreude: 02:11 – 07:48
Venezuela coup analysis: 10:11 – 18:02
Brady’s accident saga: 19:11 – 26:47
Bluegrass-ban church funeral: 27:06 – 32:40
Moon landing/No gravity conspiracy: 54:48 – 63:21
Listener advice/What Would Brady Do?: 150:38 – 162:46
Micro penis story: 138:08 – 147:13

11. Tone & Language

That’s a wrap: Welcome to 2026 with HMS—where your happiness is someone else’s misery, the government is always up to something, and the only thing unbreakable is the Jets’ no-interception record.

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Summary

Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – January 5, 2026

Overview: The Most Joyful Day Ever (and a Very Holmberg Return)

1. NFL Joy, Schadenfreude, and Ravens Hate

2. Venezuela, World Events, and "Arranged Coups"

3. Brady’s Holiday Car Accident Saga

4. Moon Landings, Black Holes, and the Slippery Slope of YouTube Wormholes (Conspiracy Corner)

5. Aging, Funerals, and Bluegrass Bans

6. Technology, Space, and Micro Penis World Records (Miscellaneous Chaos)

7. Listener Interactions and Life Advice (What Would Brady Do?)

8. Cultural Rants and 2026 Observations

9. Notable Quotes & Moments

10. Timestamps for Key Segments

11. Tone & Language

That’s a wrap: Welcome to 2026 with HMS—where your happiness is someone else’s misery, the government is always up to something, and the only thing unbreakable is the Jets’ no-interception record.

Summary

Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – January 5, 2026

Overview: The Most Joyful Day Ever (and a Very Holmberg Return)

1. NFL Joy, Schadenfreude, and Ravens Hate

2. Venezuela, World Events, and "Arranged Coups"

3. Brady’s Holiday Car Accident Saga

4. Moon Landings, Black Holes, and the Slippery Slope of YouTube Wormholes (Conspiracy Corner)

5. Aging, Funerals, and Bluegrass Bans

6. Technology, Space, and Micro Penis World Records (Miscellaneous Chaos)

7. Listener Interactions and Life Advice (What Would Brady Do?)

8. Cultural Rants and 2026 Observations

9. Notable Quotes & Moments

10. Timestamps for Key Segments

11. Tone & Language

That’s a wrap: Welcome to 2026 with HMS—where your happiness is someone else’s misery, the government is always up to something, and the only thing unbreakable is the Jets’ no-interception record.