01-06-26 - Mountain Lion Kills Hiker In Colorado Prompting Search And Our Curiosity Again At How Good We Must Taste - Flyers Play By Play Man Caught On Hot Mic Saying While You're Down There

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness – January 6, 2026

Episode Overview

In this engaging episode, John Holmberg and the crew delve into two main topics: the recent fatal mountain lion attack in Colorado (and the recurring human reaction to wild animal attacks), and the fallout from a Philadelphia Flyers play-by-play announcer’s hot mic slip. The discussion spirals into humorous, irreverent speculation about humans as food in the animal kingdom, riffing on cannibalism, zoo practices, and personal anecdotes. There’s also sharp commentary on media apology culture and some signature off-the-cuff banter among the hosts.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Mountain Lion Attack in Colorado: Are Humans Just Tasty Prey?

[03:37–16:04]

• Story Recap:
  The cast discusses a news story where a solo hiker was fatally attacked by mountain lions in Colorado; two of the big cats were killed, and authorities are searching for a third.

  • Evidence included human DNA found on one lion's paws.

• Human Taste Debate:
  The hosts riff on the often-repeated justification that animals "develop a taste for human flesh," which prompts in-depth (and comedic) curiosity about how "good" humans really taste to predators.

  • “How good are we?” – John Holmberg [05:46]
  • “If we have to stuff that takes a bite of us, because simply one bite turns you into a fan…” – John [06:10]

• Generational Learning in Animals:
  Brady raises the point that mountain lions could teach offspring that humans are easy prey.

  • “It could be teaching the offspring…generationally passed down.” – Brady [05:46]

• Who’s to Blame – Human or Animal?
  John critiques the American impulse to immediately kill predatory animals when an attack occurs, instead suggesting:

  • “No, we don’t [kill the animals]. You have to be smarter. When you’re walking around in the woods, you don’t kill the animals.” – John [06:03]
  • “If you love nature, know the risk you’re taking.” – John [06:51]

• Delightful Hypotheticals:
  The group jokes about mountain lions seeing humans as easy, tasty, defenseless prey and how the “taste for man” trope flatters human arrogance.

  • “It's my last meal. That's delicious.” – John as mountain lion [09:21]
  • “We are delightful. And all those stories do is make me curious how good we are.” – John [15:44]

• Cannibal Curiosity & Pop Culture:
  Jokes about cannibal tribes, what humans taste like ("has anyone asked Dahmer?"), and Ricky Gervais' suggestion that humans give their bodies as animal food after death.

  • “Why can't we go to the zoo and let all these corpses be zoo food?” – John [16:24]

Memorable Moment

• “I saw this last night on the news…and the only thing that happens when I see these stories is, man, I want to take a bite of a human being and just see what this is about.” – John [03:22]

2. Animal-Eat-Human Tales and Cannibalism Satire

[16:04–22:29]

• Pet Euthanasia Tributes:
  John shares listener emails about the loss of beloved pets and thanks their euthanasia vet, briefly touching on the difficulty and relief of the process. [01:15–03:16]

• Animals Consuming Deceased Owners:

  • Cats vs. Dogs: Cats will eat their owners almost immediately if left alone, dogs wait longer. [18:01–18:34]
  • Brady tells a story about monitor lizards eating their deceased owner. [19:08–19:57]

• If HMS Staff Were a Buffet:
  Irreverent, dark discussion about which show staffer would be tastiest if they were cannibalized, updated with culinary justifications.

  • “Brady would be so good…you are Wagyu, my man.” – John [17:52]
  • “Of everybody in this building, you're one. And there's a far drop off to how good second would be.” – John [21:13]

3. Critique of Animal Control, Media, and Data

[13:12–15:44]

• Skepticism About Animal Counts & Media Reporting:
  The gang mocks the accuracy of wildlife population tracking (mountain lions, gorillas), referencing CNN’s “suddenly found” gorilla populations.

  • “How in the world do they know we got a census on mountain lions? I don't believe that either.” – John [13:16]
  • “We’re lousy with gorillas.” – John [13:54]

• Double Standards and Apology Culture:
  Ties into the later discussion of sports broadcaster mishaps, with John narrating how public-facing apologies (e.g., sensitivity training) are mostly performative, not substantive.

  • “It’s all lies. Every time you see that stuff…Nobody's ever gone to sensitivity training. No, it's never happened.” – John [26:20]

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4. Flyers Announcer Hot Mic Incident

[24:46–29:57, 34:55–38:53]

• Incident Recap:
  A Philadelphia Flyers play-by-play guy was caught on air saying, “while you’re down there, would you mind blowing me?” between periods, thinking he was off the air.

  • “If you’re gonna go down there, you might as well blow me.” – Flyers Announcer (clip) [34:57]
  • John notes the announcer was suspended for two days.

• Media Overreaction & Real Adult Life:
  John and the crew argue that the producer was at fault for leaving the mics on and that adults should be able to handle such slips in context.

  • “And we can handle that as adults, can't we? Did anyone get hurt by that?” – John [25:28]

• Parallel to Personal Antics:
  John tells a story of being pranked by Brady at a wedding—face in crotch during a solemn moment—emphasizing how off-air banter is full of inappropriate jokes among men.

  • “There is no microphone there” – Brady [26:49]
  • “Should Brady have not come to work for two days because that opportunity arose? Absolutely not. You should have gotten a medal…” – John [29:28]

• Bantering About Sports, Sensitivity, and Philly:
  Jokes about sports fans' sensibility, Philadelphia’s rough-and-tumble image, and broadcasters’ inner lives.

  • “If someone doesn't say, why don't you blow me?...it's on the signs. Welcome to Philadelphia.” – John [30:03]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Cannibal Curiosity:
  “It took us like 18 years to find bin Laden, but within a week we can find a mountain lion.” – John [11:20]

• On Death & Animal Behavior:
  “We're never food for anything else. We take, take, take, take, take.” – John referencing Ricky Gervais [16:05]

• On Broadcaster Culture:
  “That’s the guy turning the mics on and off…he did nothing wrong.” – John [25:38]

  • “It's on the producer.” – John [35:46]

• On Personal Anecdotes:
  “My memory of that is different than everyone else at that wedding. If you talk to anybody else at the Hanson wedding and you say, what's your memory? It's like, ‘oh, that beautiful speech.’ Mine was the smell of Brady's mothballed suit that hadn't been worn in months.” – John [34:01]

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Important Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | Description | |-----------|-----------------------------------------------|--------------------------------------------------------------------| | 03:22 | Cannibal Curiosity Riff | John expresses intense curiosity about the "taste" of humans. | | 05:46 | Mountain Lion Logic | Why do we assume animals are "fans" after a single bite? | | 16:05 | Dahmer & Gervais Reference | Media never reports what cannibals say about human flavor. | | 17:52 | "Brady Would Be Wagyu" | Running joke about eating show members; culinary metafiction. | | 24:46 | Flyers Announcer Story Begins | Transition to Philadelphia Flyers hot mic scandal. | | 29:28 | Wedding Crotch Prank Story | Prank at a solemn wedding; irreverent illustration of male humor. | | 34:57 | Flyers Announcer Actual Hot Mic Audio | Broadcast clip: “while you’re down there, would you mind blowing me” | | 35:46 | “It’s on the producer.” | Emphasis on technical responsibility for on-air gaffes. | | 41:05 | Local News Parody | Satirizing Phoenix radio personalities and workplace banter. |

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Tone & Signature Style

• Language:
  Irreverent, dark, playful; plenty of black humor and free-flowing banter.
• Speaker Dynamics:
  John leads with provocative prompts and satire; Brady plays affable straight man and joins in the riffing; others add to the absurdity.
• Recurring Themes:
  • The absurdity of human arrogance regarding nature and risk.
  • Satire of workplace sensitivity and “apology culture.”
  • Endlessly creative speculation about taboo subjects, anchored in news events.

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Summary Takeaway

This episode is a raucous, boundary-pushing cruise through the aftermath of a mountain lion attack, human-animal relationships, and the politics of public blunders—spiced with personal stories and jokes about cannibalism and media hypocrisy. If you missed it, you missed John & crew at their most unfiltered and entertaining: challenging assumptions, lampooning societal reactions, and finding comedy in the darkest corners of current events.

Transcript

[John Holmberg]

You're listening to the HMS Podcast, brought to you by mmpguns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories.

[Brady]

It's Brady, and I'm here with Christy from the Wildlife World zoo.

[Christy]

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[Brady]

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[Christy]

We're the largest exotic animal collection in Arizona. We're located right off the 303 and Northern Avenue. For information on the park for hours or to book a private encounter with one of our amazing animals, visit wildlifeworld.com.

[John Holmberg]

Hey, it's Brett Vesely and I'm here with Byron from MMP Guns. Look, Byron, I have a friend wanting to sell some guns he inherited. What's the best way for him to do that?

[Byron]

Brett, the last thing you want to do is sell the gun to someone who can't legally own one. Tell him not to put himself at risk and come into M and P Guns where he'll get a fair offer and he can rest easy knowing it's not getting into the wrong hands.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, but what if he lives out of state?

[Byron]

Easy. Legalgunbuyer.com and he can do it all online. It's really that simple.

[John Holmberg]

There you have it. MMP GU or legalgunbuyer.com the safe and legal way to sell your firearms.

[Promo Announcer]

Morning sickness.

[Christy]

You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself.

[John]

He's evil. Sitting right here.

[John Holmberg]

Come on.

[Byron]

No, no, he's not.

[John]

He's not evil. He's just a bit rude. Thank you, Thomas James Band. I'm gonna let you breathe the first few days. I like that. Shorten to the point, that new Wake up song. Our new theme song, the Thomas James Band, will get used to that one. It's quick and it's easy and we're good. Before we get going, I have to say I get these emails and I'm going through all my emails over the break and everything else and the last couple I've read her. Yesterday I got one that says, from Tamara. She's listened for a while. My mom lost her sweet Lily December 28th. She went in her sleep. 15 years old. My parents are devastated, as expected. But holding up. Please, everybody listening. All extra treats for the pups this morning in honor of of Lily Louise. And that's going to happen. We've got to do a lot of treats today because another one came up. Says, I just Wanted to express my gratitude to you, John. We had a visit from Dr. Mike and the gang at Happy Endings Pet Euthanasia today to say goodbye to Charlie, our 17 year old Chihuahua terrier. That's hell of a run. I'm only aware of them because of you in the show. It was a difficult. It was difficult and easy, if that makes sense. That's what I've been saying about Dr. Mike and happy endings for. You just did it two months ago. Right. And we do. That does make sense to everybody who knows. It was difficult and easy. Charlie was my daughter's first dog and the best ever. Thank you. Seriously, we appreciate it. The Bell family. I'm sorry for your loss. The Bell family. But 17 years, hell of a run. So we tip our cookies right into the mouths of the other dogs in honor of our fallen. Our fallen gang or pups and such. I don't like making it that that's part of the show. But you know what? All these people that have dogs and love them, they get it. You understand? If you're a dog person, you get it. Totally and completely get it. I saw this last night on the news and I Again, the only thing that happens when I see these stories is, man, I want to take a bite of a human being and just see what this is about. What is this about? I was with Lovett's this weekend. We had lunch and he told me he filmed a movie once and they went down. I forgot what country it was, but they used to have cannibals. And it was a British movie. And he did it with a band that I'd never heard of, Status Quo. You know Status Quo. They're huge in England.

[John Holmberg]

I know the name, but I couldn't.

[John]

Were huge years ago. And he goes, yeah, Status Quo. They made this movie and they asked him to be part of it. And they went down to like Ghana or something and they used to have Cannibals tribe. Yeah. In that thing. And he said that the director just grabbed a bunch of locals and said, we need you guys to mill around and we'll help you out and give you stuff. And John said. He said, I got close with the one lady that spoke English and she'd joke around. And he said, you used to have cannibals here? And she goes, used to. And she. And he just. And she kind of does her hands like look around. And he's like, you mean all these people here? He just hired her cannibals. She was not all of them. And then she'd joke around your toes look delicious today, Mr. Lovitz. Like she'd joke with him and stuff. So the cannibal thing has always been on my brain. I don't want to kill anyone, but when I see stories like this, I'm like, oh, well, there it is. A mountain lion attacked some people up in Colorado and they say three of them did it. Right. So a solo hiker was fatally attacked. Was it Monday? And authorities killed two of the predators, including the one they found that had DNA, human DNA on its paws. So they knew that that one was standing on the soft belly of the hiker, pulling out hiker guts and eating them. There's still a third one, a victim of a New Year's Day attack, identified as a 46 year old woman from Fort Collins, an hour's drive from an attack that had happened earlier in the Rocky Mountain National Park. So these mountain lions are wandering around where they live and then dumb food comes by called human and they walk through and the mountain lions like, well, it's winter, not gonna see a lot of action out here. There's one and they seem easy and they drop them like a bad habit. So then we go out and hunt the mountain lions. And why, once again, the game warden that they talked to on the news last night said, well, we can't have these animals getting a taste for human flesh. How good are we? And.

[Brady]

Most important thing is that the animal like it. It could be teaching the offspring. You know, they learned to hunt. And so now they're figuring out this is a pretty easy kill that generationally passed down.

[John]

That's not the mountain lions.

[Brady]

That's why they're all sort like, we got to take them out.

[John]

No, we don't. You have to be smarter. When you're walking around in the woods, you don't kill the animals.

[Brady]

Look, how long has that been going on?

[John]

You're. Exactly. So let's put a stop to it or let's start eating each other and find out what the big mystery is. Because if we have to, stuff that takes a bite of us. Because simply one bite turns you into a fan.

[Brady]

I know you like to wash your clothes on the riverbanks, but we have a thousand people getting killed by crocodiles.

[John]

And that's the other thing. We don't have a lot of them. Well, it's because we kill the ones that bite us. We're not that. This is such an arrogant way to think we're so delicious that if anything takes a bite of it, we're all doomed. You're all doomed anyway. A hungry mountain lion sees your doughy, white, defenseless, upright ass that can't run, and he knows, be brave and stand.

[Brady]

Up to that mountain.

[John]

How about this? If you love nature, know the risk you're taking. Yep, I like driving on the road, but if someone kills me with their car, unless they're drunk, they don't get executed for it. It's just the risk we have for what we're doing. If you're a nature lover and you're like, I'm going to take a walk where mountain lions live, I'm a. Did you hear yourself?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John]

Did you hear what you said? We don't kill the mountain lions. And if they start getting a taste for humans, you know, it's going to stop hikes where mountain lions live.

[Brady]

Reason you post, you know, stay on the trail. There are rattlesnakes over on the side.

[John]

Yeah, well, dangers if you get bit by a rattlesnake. I understand you killing it. That makes sense. Like, oh, geez, I got to take this thing out. Or you killing the thing that's about to attack you. That's also the risk the mountain lion runs every day of its life. Anyway, they're going to kill all three of them up there, and they're acting like they're like, you got them. We got all three. I'm like, I thought everybody here loved nature. The whole point of the nature walk was maybe you'll see one. Yeah, but you can't have meat in you. No, that's called the zoo. That's called the zoo. You want to go see the animals, you go to the zoo. They're not going to eat you there. Chances are something has to go pretty wrong. You go wandering around with no. No fences and no stick. Nuh. The mountain lions get a bite of us. All right? That one knows what we taste like. And evidently, we're ambrosia because we have to kill them every time. And yeah, if you're mountain lion, you're like, hey, by the way, I just killed those upright, weird, doughy things. They don't fight. They got no claws. They got no teeth. I don't know what they're doing out here, but there they are. They're smart so they can find stuff and fight back, but they don't fight very hard. Then you teach the offspring, like, there's one of those that's free food.

[Brady]

You can get to their throat easy.

[John]

That is free food. They're fragile. Fragile as f. And then maybe these hippies with sticks and rainbow shirts wandering through the woods would second guess it. Quit killing the mountain lions. It's not their fault. This one said a test revealed that one of the animals, a male, had human DNA on its four paws. Just standing on a dude, ripping them to pieces.

[John Holmberg]

I did that.

[John]

Yeah, yeah. It's my work. Look at my paws. But he went back to the mountain lion cave. Where do they go to the Lions Club. Lions Club, right? That's what those are. Sure. I'm not going in there either. And put his paws up and guys, look at. Look. Human DNA. Got one. You could get killed, bro.

[Brady]

What do you think?

[John]

It's like, trust me, you guys have you look. It's worth it. They're so delicious. I bet you the mountain lions are like. Like, I got a human. They're so good that I don't mind getting killed for it. It's my last meal. That's delicious. They're also known as cougars, pumas, and catamounts. By the way, they weigh up 130 pounds and grow to like 6ft long. And they've got 38 to 4400 mountain lions in Colorado. So the odds of you getting eaten by one are slim because there's many.

[Brady]

Even most of the time when people buy a hunting license for the mountain lion, it's not that expensive because they're really tough to hunt.

[John]

They're. Yeah, crafty. They're hard to find. And if they eat you, it's not their fault. Again, oops. If you're out there saying, oh, I'm gonna go walk where mountain lions live.

[Brady]

With your picnic basket with food.

[John]

Food in your pocket. You get your beef jerky or whatever it is you're toting around, kind of asking for it.

[John Holmberg]

Walk around like Yogi Bear with the.

[John]

With the picnic basket and my picnic basket. Yeah. Geez, Yogi, I don't know. Don't worry about it. They don't need anything that wears a hat and a tie. Yeah. You wander around where mountain lions live in a mountain lion eat you. I am against killing the mountain lion, but they kill. They're gonna kill all three of them. What if the third one just watched? What if he was a cuck?

[Brady]

Sorry, I gotta go.

[John]

I can't do this. Guys. What if the third one was trying to talk him out of it? Dude, I've heard about this.

[Brady]

You're right, it's bad. I don't like it.

[John]

You just get something close and he knocks him out. Get off of that thing. Yeah. What if one didn't like it and he was gonna go report back. Don't eat the tall doughy stuff. They're gross. The really hungry mean one's like, I'll eat anything. Like the Brady of mountain lions is like, I'll try it. And he just eats and he's like, I don't know if I'll do that again. You don't know if we're that delicious. But all that does to me is say we are delightful and now I want to eat one.

[Brady]

Can't you give him like a three strikes program? Like if it happens three times, okay, now they got a taste for it. It just tells me one time we're.

[John]

In some sort of simulation. It took us like 18 years to find bin Laden, but like within a week we can find a mountain lion. How you even tell them apart? You're tranking all of them and just like dragging them up checking for DNA in it.

[Promo Announcer]

There's something, something. Check out Homework's Morning Sickness podcast at.

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[John]

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[Promo Announcer]

Holmberg's morning sickness.

[John]

How in the world do they know we got a census on mountain lions? I don't believe that either. And that comes from the idea that when CNN went down there and said we were out of silverback gorillas and then went over a hill and there were 114,000 that didn't know where they were, and they were all just in a new spot, like, hey, we moved all of us. And Anderson Cooper was there to report on the sadness of the loss of the gorilla and how humans have ruined it. I literally went over a hill with the CNN news crew, and we're like, what the. We're lousy with gorillas. We start hunting these things. You don't hear about it anymore because Anderson found all of them.

[John Holmberg]

They moved to a neighborhood or what?

[John]

Yeah, they just scooted over a hill because they're like, people over here screwing with stuff. And they're like, they got the guerrilla message, got out over this hill. They're not even there.

[Brady]

Stuff is really hard to get to. That sure. Get out into the jungle where the gorillas are.

[John]

I don't think they do that elsewhere. I don't think if a gorilla in gorilla country eats a guy, they go out and kill that gorilla. They kill him for other reasons. They eat the gorillas there. It's fair game. I hate that story. Don't worry about it. Your trails are safe from mountain lions that you actually went on the trail to see. I go out there to see the wildlife, but if it starts to eat me, I want to kill it, man. You don't care about that. I go on my. My bike sometimes, right? And I'll hit Brett. We'll hit the trails. You go on the trails, and sometimes you do something stupid and you tumble off and like, ah, stupid bike. You don't go back to pivot and, like, kill the guy who owns the bike store, like, because you were the idiot who did it.

[Brady]

What's amazing is, I wonder sometimes those animals are, like, you notice it with your dogs every now and then. There's certain people that come by. The dog just does not like that person.

[John]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Don't like that vibe. We go by mountain lions we probably have not even known it. Living in Arizona, if you've been hiking around, maybe the one day that lady goes by or a person, you think.

[John]

It was just a person. So you think you've Drew. You think that you've walked by mountain lions. Like, he seems like a pleasant.

[Brady]

All these people hiking through.

[John]

Yeah, but that's my point. There's only 3,800 lines. They're not all in the same spot. That's in Colorado.

[Brady]

Right. And they're territorial.

[John]

Colorado is huge. 3,800 people would be a really small town.

[Brady]

But there's something.

[John]

It's huge.

[Brady]

That usually draws them in. Easy food.

[John]

We're easy to eat and we're delicious because we kill anything that eats us. And it makes me curious. And all I want to know is what we. What we taste like. Chicken said, I'm this. William says, this bakehouse says, this is a great. He says, 100% sure. Interviewers had to have asked Dahmer what humans taste like.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, you know, they did.

[John]

And I guarantee you, because we don't know from his answers that he said, oh, my God, you've never had anything better in your life ever. And that's why I was like, don't report that back. Because people like John will get curious. I like what Ricky Gervais said in his new special. He said he wanted to get fed to lions at the zoo when he dies. Because we never give anything back. We're humans. We're selfish. We're never food for anything else. We take, take, take, take, take. And we never give back. We're never worms, I guess, maybe, but we never like. Yeah, And I think that's great. Why can't we go to the zoo and let all these corpses be zoo food? Because we're. Again, it's human arrogance to think that we have some special meaning when we die, that our bodies have to be preserved in boxes or something. No give back to the earth. You know who wouldn't allow that? The zoos. They'd be like, well, that's tough.

[Brady]

Feed.

[John]

You know why? Because the guys feeding them would be like, they're gonna start seeing me feeding them stuff that looks like me.

[Brady]

Is that the family over there?

[John]

One of these days he's gonna be like, what do they taste like when they're alive?

[John Holmberg]

Call Christy up, see if we can get this worked out.

[John]

See if we could do that. And one of these days soon, I think I can go out there and chuck you into a hippos mouth instead of a pumpkin. Hippo Hippo would love to eat a person. They kill people than anything else. They're murderers.

[Brady]

Kill them, but they don't.

[John]

They chow down. Oh, please. What do you mean they don't eat us? We're delicious. Haven't you seen the news? Hippo would eat you in a heartbeat, my friend. You taste like that entire rack of candy at the CVS when you're checking out. You would be amazing. You slow. Roasted.

[Brady]

You don't have to do that. You're.

[John]

You are Wagyu, my man. That is. You are just marbled. Oh, I can't imagine how good Brady would be. Oh.

[Brady]

Although it seems it. Cats like old people.

[John]

Cats.

[Brady]

Dogs don't as much.

[John]

Dogs will eat when they'll do it, though.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John]

Cats don't wait long.

[Brady]

Cats.

[John]

A dog will sit with you for a week or two, start to chow on you a little bit. Cats will eat you and they'll tell their friends. That's how most old people who are lonely get found as the neighbors go by and go, why are there so many goddamn cats at the Johnson house now? Because the cats send out some sort of weird alien signal that says, we got a dead old man in here and he is fantastic.

[Brady]

It's a buffet.

[John]

And the cats start chowing down on him. They let each other in. That happened in my old hometown in Indiana. Some old man died and somebody said, there's. Well, newspapers started stacking up and cats were everywhere. We better go check on him. And they went inside and it was just bones, cats everywhere. And the door was open in the back and the cats had let the other cats in. Like, you gotta try some of this, old man.

[Brady]

I'm one of those. When pets attack. I think it was in Cincinnati, Ohio. This person owned a five or six monitor lizards.

[John]

Yeah.

[Brady]

And they had a heart attack.

[John]

The people did.

[Brady]

And the neighbors were like, haven't heard from Ted in a couple days. We did a welfare check.

[John]

The lizards ate them. All right.

[Brady]

Came in there. It says the one. He goes in there. And out of the carcass of the guts, the lizard comes out.

[John]

Oh, he was living in his. In the skeleton. Did they kill the list? Oh, that's awesome.

[John Holmberg]

How big are these lizards?

[Brady]

Five foot?

[John]

Yeah. The big. Why are you having them? Because. And you know what? You own those to get attention.

[John Holmberg]

You're the boa constriction weirdo.

[John]

Lonely, strange person.

[Brady]

So he'd been dead for, you know, a week or two, whatever in there.

[John]

They're not eating.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John]

But they just wandered free through the house.

[Brady]

They got out of the. Yeah, he had some.

[John]

Five of them.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John]

That's 30ft of lizards.

[Brady]

Okay, that's too many.

[John]

Well, one is too many. You shouldn't. They're not for your house.

[Brady]

You don't need a lizard.

[John]

You don't need a five foot monitor lizard. You're an idiot. But you're starved for attention. Right? So you. And you know what's going to happen again? It's always like they act surprised. Did you? Oh, the monitor lizards ate them. Like, do you hear it? Do you hear yourself? Of course they did. This says Colorado is approximately 104,000 square miles. If there are about 3, 800 to 4,000 mountain lions in the state, then each line has 27.3 square miles of territory to itself. It's going to be hard to find one. If one eats you, it's because you got too close. It's your fault. We are delightful. And all those stories do is make me curious how good we are. Oh, baby. And I'm just looking at you like a cartoon dog. You're turning into a pot roaster. A turkey Brady would be so good when you go.

[Brady]

I think I'd be like mutton right now.

[John]

What are you talking about?

[Brady]

Old sold me.

[John]

Oh, no, no, no, no. You're still. The blood flow's still going. It ain't old meat. Old meat is after it. Yeah, you're good. You're good. Of everybody in this building, you're one. And there's a far drop off to how good second would be. I mean, you are Durant. I don't know who I'd go second. Who would be the second person you'd eat here and keep it classy. I don't know. You can't say you'd eat the women because then they get all weird about it. Yeah. Potentially lose your job.

[Brady]

Ed would be a good meal.

[John]

You think Ed would be good?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John]

Moy, Keep the women out of it.

[Brady]

Right?

[John]

Moynihan would be great. No, you can eat one of the women. I don't know. See, for some reason. And maybe Scott the bot, not so.

[Brady]

Much because he's kind of.

[John]

Scott the bot has lost all his weight. He's skin and bones. He's like terrible.

[John Holmberg]

Joseph's too fit.

[John]

Joseph is fit. So he's stringing.

[Brady]

You'd have to really Trip might be pretty low. Slow and low. Trip would be tender.

[John]

Trip would be tender. Trip would be soft. He'd boil like you could boil him. I'd boil.

[Brady]

You could probably do the long Paul trip.

[John]

Oh, that guy At Castle. Hey, probably too smoky. Too many. He's over seasoned with all the wrong things.

[Brady]

Do a lot of trimming.

[John]

The dude from Chachi PT would be good. Yeah, that's a good one. I need him for sure. Yeah. I don't know why. Just like another lady.

[Brady]

Your guy, Nash.

[John]

Oh, Nash would be fantastic. He's got a lot of visceral fat, though. He's got that hard belly fat. Dale would be disgusting.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's what I mean.

[John]

It's all. That would be one of those. You just keep chewing and chewing.

[Brady]

You want them out in the prairie. If you're. If you're looking to cross a river.

[John]

Or something, like I'm saying, you're. I think if you asked everybody this question in the building who G'd first, it would be you, and then second place would be just all over the place. Toledo might not be bad on a girl. He might be a little Salisbury. It may be a little bit of a TV dinner, but it would be edible. I don't think. Brett, I don't think you're edible. I don't think I'm good.

[Brady]

The Italian.

[John]

No, this is not. No, you look like food. You look like if I just cut your head off and go golden brown paper engineer. Oh, maybe. I don't know.

[Brady]

Mike.

[John]

Who's Mike? Which ones? Oh, Mike. You didn't say it right. Now I know who he is. He might be.

[Promo Announcer]

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[Larry McFeely]

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Homburg's Morning sickness.

[John]

I don't know. I look at you like you are the. You are the turkey I choose. Like you're the one. Like, this is a good one. Just soft enough and just hard enough in all the right spots. Oh, about har. No, no. That would taste like male pattern baldness.

[Brady]

Be an okay brisket.

[John]

Like you just find weird hairs still floating around. I don't know. Yeah, it's pretty good. I don't Think I want to eat any of the ladies?

[Brady]

Kosher meat?

[John]

Yeah. You can't say you're gonna eat any of the ladies at your office. I would eat both the Jennifer's, Jill. Like, oh, my God. And then it gets back. And when they play that clip isolated and it's like John talked on the air. He's gonna eat all these. That's not what I meant. I said would, like, cannibalized them, and they're like, oh, that's worse. It's like that dude in Philadelphia over the break. Great story. Philadelphia Flyers Tom Brennaman had to hate every second of this. They go to break, or so they think. And the announcer for the Flyers says, well, if you're gonna go down there, you might as well blow me. And then he laughs. And then a guy goes, we're still on the air. Wait, what are we. Is that real? They suspended him for two days. That's not his fault. That's the producer's fault. That's the guy turning the mics on and off. And we can handle that as adults, can't we? Did anyone get hurt by that? Just kind of privately tell the guy, all right, it's hockey. You do like you do. Look, exactly. You just showed a violent sport. You do like you do. Like, when I get in trouble, I sign a letter that makes me look like a complete prick to the person that's mad. My company lies to them all day through their teeth about how much reprimanding got done. They seem satisfied by it. After their complaint, it all goes away. Most of the time, that's what you do. You put out a public statement, say, yeah, we talked to him. You know, that kind of language isn't acceptable. He's been fined. We're going to take care of this. And then nobody finds anybody, and everything's just fine. That's how it normally is. It's all lies. Every time you see that stuff. Oh, he's been reprimanded. No, he has. Nobody's ever gone to sensitivity training. No, it's never happened. I have been in.

[Brady]

He's in rehab.

[John]

Several letters saying, oh, you went to sensitivity training. And it's lies. And I'm. And I won't sign any more papers ever again that say that I've been to it. Because if it backfires, you're a jerk. I'm not doing it. So, yeah, that's the thing. But this dude in Philadelphia, all he said was, and who. What man hasn't done that? When the guy next to you drops a Pencil. And he goes down. I was at a wedding with Brady, and he smashed my head into his crotch for five seconds while a man who was in his 90s gave his last speech ever.

[Brady]

You can talk about it all you want. There is no microphones there.

[John]

But I don't care if there was. I wish there were cameras. And we got caught. Oh, there's Brady as a turkey, and it looks fantastic. What a great picture. Looks on it. That. Oh, we've got a Photoshop of Brady as a turkey, and it's good. That's exactly what I'd picture, too. Happy little face. He's happy. You're gonna eat him. Either way, though, Brady has smashed my. Even sweet Brady. Brett, you weren't at that wedding. That's one of my favorite things that's ever happened in my life. I've never. Stephen Hawking was stronger than me physically for about 11 seconds as we shared this planet for about 11 seconds. Caleb would have beat me up in a fight. I've never been weakened to that level in my life. I had no bodily function. It's amazing that my sphincter held in anything. Poop should have just tumbled out of me. I should have peed. Because the second Brady smashed his little paw against my bald head as I bent down to pick up a fork, I had dropped and just buried my face into his little baby crotch.

[John Holmberg]

Is there video of this?

[John]

Yes.

[Brady]

No, there's not.

[John]

Yes, there is. Brian. Sounds. No, you can see it in the court. You can't make out the. The fact that you smashed my weakened body into your crotch multiple times. And I don't know how many. I can count 11, I think, would be my guess. It was never ending. My nose and I mean, he didn't care. Just smashing into his soft genitals. Just mashing. And I am laughing so hard. And then later, the people at the wedding. Brian comes back and says, what happened here? And shows us the wedding video, which was like a surveillance video. Keep in mind, while this is going on, a very, very weak dying man was giving a speech about his granddaughter who had just gotten married because he made the wedding he made, and no one expected it. I think he died two days later, and I was still weaker than he was at that moment. No one could hear him. They gave him a microphone. It was turned up all the way. You could hear a pin drop. You could hear.

[Brady]

You could hear a fork drop.

[John]

You could hear a mouse.

[Brady]

And they did.

[John]

You could hear a mouse getting a hard on. It was so quiet. I just love Bree so Much. And I'm so happy I could. His oxygen tank all sorts of stuff wrong with him. And then you hear that ting, ting, ting, ting, ting of a fork, the smack of a fat man's hand on the bald man's head and my face getting buried into a middle.

[Brady]

I thought it was done with the speech.

[John]

You didn't. You didn't. And I laughed so hard. It was painful. Should Brady have not come to work for two days because that opportunity arose? Absolutely not. You should have gotten a medal like the cowardly lion did at the end of wizard of Oz. It was a great moment that you can't let go. No man will let a dude next to him put his face that close to his genitals and not take the opportunity to say something about, oh, if you're gonna go down there, you might as well blow me. Philadelphia Flyers guy did it.

[Brady]

Is that a rule? You get a pass for that?

[John]

Of course you get a pass. But who's mad? You're watching hockey. Is there one person going, well, that is just who's clutching their pearls during a Flyers game. Have you been to Philadelphia? If someone doesn't say, why don't you blow me? I mean, that's like. It's on the signs. Welcome to Philadelphia. Why don't you blow me? It's. It's one of the most, least friendly cities of all time. You're watching a Flyers game and he says it, dude loses, two days is okay.

[Brady]

Or I was going to wonder if it's a two game suspension.

[John]

Two days. I don't think they don't play. They might have just said, just take a couple of days off to this because we're going to pay you. Don't worry about it. He did nothing.

[Brady]

Here's some training he didn't do.

[John]

You have the clip of it. Find the clip of the Flyers guy saying, it's great stuff. I think I might even have it. It's. I mean, it's ridiculous to think that you can't say that stuff. Of course you can. Here it is. I can send it to you, Brad. Right? Because it is just. It's, it's. It's ridiculous that we, we act. So. The Flyers announcer said. And then Tom Brannaman, who said, the British smokes word. Everybody lost their mind for him. He didn't do anything wrong. He said what all of us have said at one point or another. It's time we forgave him. Yeah. This Flyers guy. And it's a great moment. If Brady's little head went into My lap. I'm smacking it down now. I might not have chosen that moment. I think funerals and speeches by dying people is bad. Oh, that wasn't bad. Trust me. It wasn't hilarious.

[John Holmberg]

It was me.

[John]

What it was was brave, my friend. That's why.

[Brady]

Brave.

[John]

That's why I. Compared to the cowardly lion. He got a badge for courage. And yours was very courageous. Brian, the groom in that wedding just text me and said, that never gets old to me. Brian, if you still have the video of your wedding, now they're no longer together. So I'm pretty sure in a fit of tears and rage and screaming, we.

[Brady]

Probably broke up that video that might have cursed.

[John Holmberg]

So in the background, you actually hear the.

[John]

Oh, you hear the. You hear the dropping. You hear the full fork drop. And then me bending down and you hear a hand on my head. And you hear it because everyone was waiting for Pop Pop. Not. Not our Pop Pop. This was before he was Pop Pop. He was a young, thriving, healthy man. The old dude. I love me so much. And we're all trying to make out the words tears. Not a dry eye on the house from the family because they know he's mustering all the strength he can get to say anything nice. I love her so much. And he started to talk about how he raised her because her dad died. Oh, beautiful. The story was beautiful. And then I don't know how it ended because my face was in your dick.

[Brady]

Hey. Two of us that couldn't hear.

[John]

Oh, no. I don't remember any more of that beautiful moment because I was crying with my. My arms broke. They just both went down to like, oh, I'm a marionette now. I didn't know if I was ever going to recover. I thought forever. I was just. From the neck down, I was a marionette. That was it. I was. I've never been weaker in my life because my body knew how incredibly funny that moment was that you took advantage of it. And my body just said, john, just shut down. Shut off. There's nothing you can do. Allow him to allow this man who's been brave enough and strong enough to try this, to smash your face into his genitals as many times as he wants. And I don't know if you felt how weak I was, but you just grabbed the back of my. And it was over. And into your little tiny oversized suit pants.

[Brady]

They're shorts.

[John]

They were. But on you, they were pants. It was unreal. My memory of that is different than everyone else at that wedding. If you talk to anybody else at the Hanson wedding and you say, what's your memory? It's like, oh, that beautiful speech. Mine was the smell of. Of Brady's mothballed suit that hadn't been worn in months. Years.

[John Holmberg]

You hear Brady in the background.

[John]

No, we didn't laugh loud. To our credit, we held it in as best as possible. And then tears rolled down my face so it just looked like we were really touched. But like, way too touched.

[Promo Announcer]

There's something. Something. Check out homework's morning sickness [e-mail] if.

[Larry McFeely]

You'Re looking at new vehicles for the new year, look no further than your Valley Toyota dealers. This is Larry McFeely. And if your New Year's resolution includes a Toyota Tacoma, Tundra, 4Runner, Corolla, Camry, or Grand Highlander, then you're in luck. And here's the best part. Every new Toyota comes with Toyota care. That's no cost maintenance and 24 hour roadside assistance for two years or 25,000 miles. Peace of mind for the road ahead. Exactly how you want to start a new year. Welcome 2026 in style. Visit your Valley Toyota dealers or valleytoyotadealers.com Toyota let's go places.

[Promo Announcer]

Sickness.

[John Holmberg]

I found yours was an article, but I found it.

[John]

Okay. Any time out, we'll take it as well. Seven gone in the third. It's three two, Buffalo on the Philadelphia Flyers broadcast network. While you're down there, would you mind blowing me See, he doesn't know. I think we're still on the air, Tim. I think we're still. No, we're not. Are we? Realization at that moment, the dude gave the clues as an announcer would. Buffalo 3, Philly 2 take a TV timeout.

[John Holmberg]

That's on the producer.

[John]

That's all on everybody but him. Yeah, and once he went, ba ba ba ba ba da da da. Somebody should have gone, hey, we're not off the air. We're still here. Once he started to, you know, dick around, hand signal that, yeah, you could tell them like, hey, jackass, we're rolling.

[Brady]

No, instead I'm gonna hang.

[John]

How many times in this room do I shut all. I turn all the mics down and then shut them off. But I'll miss a button. So there's a blue light on that I don't see. Everyone runs in here, oh, the mics are on. The mics are on because good God, if what we set off the air here. I talked to Tripp yesterday and I said, look, I've changed my mind. I'm willing to do cameras in the studio if you guys want to, but I need some sort of guarantee that the second I shut the mics off, it goes to one of those old test pattern screens, like the 1950s Indian. That will be technical difficulties. We'll be right in one of those signs. We'll be right back. Because I ain't risking Brett having a conversation.

[John Holmberg]

I'd be gone in the first week, first day.

[John]

You'd be like, oh, my God, did Brett just say that about someone's grandmother? I'd be right behind you, brother. You know who'd probably get fired first is this one. Brady. That would be the shockers. You and I would probably be like.

[John Holmberg]

We kind of expected from those two.

[John]

Yeah, yeah, those guys. I was like, yeah, but I think he'd be the first one. Brady, I can't believe you said that about illegal immigrants. They keep ramming into me. Yeah, I know, but you can't call them that. Ah, you don't know anything. We're gonna have to make you sit down for two days, and we'll have to take you sensitivity training and show you what burritos actually look like. I didn't mean it that literally anyway, so, yeah, that poor guy in Philly had to sit out for two days. I gladly. I could. I would be the guy who couldn't wait to come back for the third game because I would be the first one to go. Well, I gotta be careful what I say here, especially when I say stuff about our fastest player blowing by a guy.

[John Holmberg]

I love the announcer voice saying it, too.

[John]

Just kind of like, hey, why don't you blow me while you're down there? Why don't you blow me? All right. Yeah, because, you know, that's what his wife hears. Baby, it's time for a little anal action right after the break. Then every once in a while, he just does an endorsement. Yeah. Taking a look at our backyard turf monsters. Did a great job, honey. And I think, wow. And we're back. Roll over. Anyway, sponsoring things is good. All right, baby, I'm gonna jam it right in your mouth. But before I do, we need to take a little break. You know, the folks over at Games Men. I can't even say game day. Men's health have made this possible today. And I wouldn't be able to shove this right inside it because before, you know, it was flaccid and gross. But I'm an all man man now. All right, we're back while you're down there. Anyway, the guy set out for two days and I would like to have heard his, because I know you probably made him apologize.

[John Holmberg]

I didn't.

[John]

I didn't hear that part. Probably made him come back. When they played. I don't know, they played Carolina again.

[Brady]

It's like, understand there's some things heard.

[John]

Yeah. Understand I said something that was not meant for air. That was offensive to absolutely no one. I wouldn't apologize. I'd have pulled what they did when Charles Barkley said, you got to apologize to the ladies that said San Antonio. And he goes, all right. Then he came back on there and goes, I'm not apologizing for nothing. There's fat ladies in San Antonio. You don't like it, turn it. And the people at TNT are like, he's got us by the balls. We can't fire Charles. This stuff. I say that. I think it's funny that you might not. Big deal. Turn it. Can't go to an edgehead.

[Brady]

He must have finished the game.

[John]

Charles.

[Brady]

No.

[John]

Oh, the Flyers guy.

[Brady]

Because. Because then, you know, if he didn't come back and apologize.

[John]

Well, no, we didn't get that. But, yeah, they probably just said, just ignore it.

[Brady]

We'll deal.

[John]

Let's hope it doesn't go out. It's going. It went out. And then some idiot goes, like. And then he had to come back a couple days later. I'm sure somebody at the end of the game goes, somebody was mad about that. We can't say that stuff. Yeah. And he'd. I'd have been pissed. I'm like, oh, isn't jackass supposed to shut off the mics? I told Kevin Ray and I talked about that, and I'm like, as often as Kevin and I will text awful things during a son's game, and it's mostly me. The awful things. He's very. He's very smart about it. I'm brand liability. He doesn't want to be friends with me. He just can't get enough of me. That's basically how the relationship is. I like you a lot, but God damn it, if people know we're friends, it's bad because we'll do stuff. Like, I actually dry humped him in the rah rah room the other day. And I said, take it, McCoy and people. And he's just like, oh, God, this is why we can't be friends. And stabbings was there, too. Oh, my God, it's back full circle. We tag teamed Kevin Ray, and I'm like, do you think that ever happened to Al McCoy? His buddies and him were out Drinking. And then two guys are like, hey, McCoy, take that.

[Brady]

It's a good chance.

[John]

We're all. Maybe. I think Al McCoy was old man. All right, you bastards, quit acting like you. Me, I've got a reputation. Shazam. If McCoy ever dropped a pencil.

[Brady]

That's where it came from.

[John]

If McCoy ever dropped the pencil and his buddy just smashed McCoy's face into his crotch.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, can you imagine Ladonna and Jim Sharp at a wedding doing that?

[John]

No. Well, no, they're not dating. No. No.

[John Holmberg]

Well, you and Brady.

[John]

Here's what I can imagine. I'm bored, Sharp. Blow me.

[Brady]

I think we're on the air.

[John]

I know. I'm gonna boost our ratings here at Qatar, and I'm gonna tell everybody that Sharp blows me when I ask. Now, why don't you get there in your little homo tight T shirt, extend this thing a little courtesy. That's right, Sharp. I'll do the news. We'll throw it to John Roller for traffic. And I bet you before he's done with the Red Mountain report, Sharp will have a mouthful. Morning. El Mirage.

[Brady]

She does say after every story. Are we clear?

[John]

Are we clear? Jim's like crystal. Good. What kind of circus are you running around here? Yeah. Ladonna Harvey makes Sharp do it every once in a while while Sharp does his little report. I'm gonna prep, I'm gonna get ready for when I read the news. And I think Jimmy's gonna know exactly what to do. Two people are dead in Scott's. Get over your shirt, too. Dead in Scottsdale for not listening to ladonna.

[John Holmberg]

Jim Cross will come back out of retirement just to report that one.

[John]

Yeah. Jim, it looks like you're busy with ladonna's huge crank. I run this show around here now. I love that. That dynamic between the two of them. He is clearly a simp. He's getting whatever she wants at 7:23. What do you got there on the big board of Musical Treats, Bert? All right.

[John Holmberg]

Wake up. Song time. And of course, it's, you know, it starts off with songs for you and Stubbings, so. Throat Goat from Kim Petrus. On the list, the Darkness. I believe in a thing called Love.

[John]

Because it starts off pretty.

[John Holmberg]

Twinkie. Judas Priest Turbo. Obviously supermodel from RuPaul. There goes the neighborhood when you guys come rolling through in your Bronco. Fine Young cannibals. The good thing, yeah. Static X Cannibal eat you alive from Limp Bizkit. Hall and Oats, man eater, Too close to hate. More for the mountain goats from the warning and meat puppets.

[John]

Backwater mountain lions. No one was eaten by mountain goats. That you deserve. If you get eaten by a mountain goat, you deserve it. They might just knock you off the mountain, but if they devour you afterwards, that's a special breed of mountain goat. I would like to. And again, who's killing that? That's just the tip of the ca. That to good old Darwin for figuring out how mountain goats decided to get a taste for human flesh. Backwater's good because you find that dead body. Okay, I like that, but I don't want to do that one. All right. Is eat you alive a good one? I don't know that Limp biscuit song.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I can pull it up.

[John]

Is it good?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's not bad.

[John]

Yeah, you're not. No, no, it's.

[John Holmberg]

It's. Let's see here.

[John]

I don't know that Limp. I don't know. Eat you alive. Was that a hit?

[Brady]

I don't either.

[John Holmberg]

It was off their, like, third album.

[John]

But. Did we play it? Yeah, we did.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Way back. I gotta see if I can find a clean of it, though.

[John]

Oh, yeah, we don't want that.

[Brady]

That's gonna be a tough find.

[John]

Stretch.

[Brady]

Stretch.

[John]

You don't know. Yeah, if you find a clean version. Yeah, the first line has F words in it. Yeah, yeah, we'll just go with something else. Ah, skip that. Get out of there. All right, we'll do throat coat's pretty good.

[John Holmberg]

Static accent.

[John]

Pretty good.

[Brady]

Cannibal.

[John]

All right, we'll go with Cannibal. Static X. I like that one. Static X is solid and played Static X for a while. I'm flying Toledo has put in I believe in a thing called love by the darkness. Should we do it? Ah, screw it. I haven't heard Justin squeal in a while.

[John Holmberg]

Stebbings on lead vocals.

[John]

This one's for Mark. Stebbings. He's saying he's a background vocals on this. All the high notes are. Mark, just listen to the rhythm of my heart. It's the darkness for stabbings. It's 98.

[Brady]

It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee.

[John]

I have heard enough of this.