Holmberg's Morning Sickness – Arizona

Episode: “The Cardinals Head Coaching Job Is Ranked As The Worst Of The Available Openings In the NFL As We Advocate For Them To Hire Gruden”

Date: January 6, 2026
Hosts: John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo

Episode Overview

The hosts dissect the current dismal state of the Arizona Cardinals, recently ranked as the worst available head-coaching job in the NFL following the latest firing. The conversation weaves sharp humor with deep frustration as they analyze why the Cardinals’ position is so undesirable, poke fun at the franchise’s failures, speculate about potential hires, and ultimately champion the controversial idea of bringing Jon Gruden to Arizona. Through cutting banter and irreverence, the show explores the broader malaise around football in Arizona and proposes a wild but passionate solution.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Downfall of the Cardinals Head Coaching Job

• State of Disgrace: The Arizona Cardinals are ranked “the worst job available in the NFL” (04:22), considered even less attractive than typically unstable franchises like the Browns or the Jets.
• Revolving Door: The team has fired “five coaches in the last seven years” (05:21), making it undesirable for anyone seeking career longevity or hope.
• Roster and Prospects: Lack of building blocks or foundational talent, no hope at quarterback, “The word hope kept coming up, as in none” (10:03).

Notable Quote

“No one good’s going to take this job.” – John Holmberg (04:22)

2. Comparison to Other NFL Franchises

• The hosts compare the Cardinals to other jobs (Jets, Raiders, Browns, Giants, Titans, Falcons), frequently noting that even struggling franchises have more upside.
• The Atlanta Falcons job is described as “the job to take” due to their better roster and draft position (06:11).

Notable Quote

"With the Browns in the league, the Cardinals have managed to become the most embarrassing franchise." – John Holmberg (06:22)

3. Issue of Fanbase and Local Support

• Debate over whether the Cardinals have a real fan base, with Brady calling them “the worst fan base” (08:53) in the NFL.
• Jabs at the Cardinals' supporters: comparing the fan base names to “menstruation” ("Red Sea"), questioning if it's more desirable to menstruate once a month than be a Cardinals fan (09:18).

Memorable Banter

“What would you rather have, like a period once a month or be a Cardinal fan once a month?” – John Holmberg (09:18)

4. Ownership and Leadership Critique

• Heavy criticism of team owner Michael Bidwill, including skepticism about his presence at games and competence ("he missed the end of that Titans game because I was with you" – 10:14).
• Franchise leadership accused of failing to build a viable team culture or retain coaching talent.

Notable Quote

"You make me... everybody's like, why don't you support the Cardinals? I don't like them. But you know what? I like this city. So if it makes my fellow citizens have a wonderful time, I'm seeing the Cardinals hurt my fellow citizens." – John Holmberg (16:42)

5. Who Would Even Take the Job?

• List of underwhelming/recycled possible hires (Raheem Morris, Vance Joseph, Eberflus) with the expectation that “bottom of the barrel” candidates will fill the role (07:16).
• Sarcastic predictions about media and the Cardinals front office floating unattainable big names for PR (Belichick, Tomlin, Harbaugh).

Notable Quotes

“There is nobody good that is going to even be interviewed. Raheem Morris is my pick. ...They'll hire him. Or Vance Joseph, who was here already.” – John Holmberg (07:16)

“Do you think that John Harbaugh is going to come to this dumpster fire?” – John Holmberg (19:36)

6. Jon Gruden as the “Nuclear Option”

• Passionate Pitch: Holmberg insists Gruden is the only choice that makes “the whole league” pay attention, citing his renegade status, coaching acumen, and media exposure as assets (11:00; 27:53).
• Bold Proposal: Offers a blueprint: “We want the NFL to be mad at us. We want to pay you to be the face of this franchise. We’re going to give you five years. Win, lose or draw.” (11:20)
• Reputational Risk: Even as Gruden’s career has been controversial, the hosts argue that the Cardinals “need to erase the stigma of being the job no one wants” (17:51), casting Gruden as a defiant underdog.

Notable Quotes

"If Jon Gruden isn’t the next coach of the Arizona Cardinals, oh my God, they have failed miserably. Failed miserably because he would take the job. ...You suddenly don’t become the joke." – John Holmberg (11:10)

"Gruden is your answer. End of story." – John Holmberg (27:53)

7. Cynicism Toward Franchise's Next Steps

• Expectation the team will default to a bland, “safe” hire instead of making a bold statement.
• Satirical suggestions about hiring impersonators (like Frank Caliendo doing a Gruden impression) for half the price (14:00).
• Joking about the franchise being so desperate they might just let anyone (including Holmberg) run things.

8. Proposals for Fixing the Franchise

• Questions why the franchise doesn’t try outreach to under-served fandom (parallels to hockey’s failure to embrace the local Mexican-American community) and how they should market to energize fans (11:00–12:00).
• Argues for trading valuable assets while they can (“Trade McBride. ...Go get six picks for the guy.” – 18:43), since there’s little hope for building with current pieces.

9. Recurring Humor and Tone

• The hosts’ tone is irreverently sarcastic, laced with frustrated fandom and local loyalty.
• Running gags about local media personalities (Bickley’s hair – 24:39), the unglamorous nature of the Cardinals’ job, and the city’s undeserved football purgatory.
• Even the Cardinals’ most loyal fans are described as “trauma bonded” (25:18), akin to “pimps and their families.”

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (w/ Timestamps)

• “No one good’s going to take this job.” – John Holmberg (04:22)
• “With the Browns in the league, the Cardinals have managed to become the most embarrassing franchise.” – John Holmberg (06:22)
• “What would you rather have, like a period once a month or be a Cardinal fan once a month?” – John Holmberg (09:18)
• “If Jon Gruden isn’t the next coach of the Arizona Cardinals, oh my God, they have failed miserably.” – John Holmberg (11:10)
• “You’re boring, you’re unloved, your fans hate you, you’re bad at everything.” – John Holmberg (12:52)
• “Gruden is your answer. End of story.” – John Holmberg (27:53)
• “We are picking last in a dumpster fire of last.” – Brady Bogen (24:20)
• “In the therapy world…I consider Cardinals fans trauma bonded. It’s the same thing with pimps and their families.” – Brett Vesely & John Holmberg (25:18)
• “Arizona is surrounded by beauty…and we have the most embarrassing franchise in football.” – John Holmberg (20:55)

Key Timestamps

• 04:22 – Worst job ranking and state of team
• 06:11–07:16 – Comparison with other teams, “bottom of the barrel” coach talk
• 09:18 – Flush humor about being a Cardinals fan
• 11:00–12:52 – The Jon Gruden argument for head coach
• 16:42 – Why the hosts still watch the Cardinals
• 17:51 – “Erase the stigma of being the job no one wants in the NFL”
• 18:43 – Discussion about trading assets like McBride
• 19:36–20:55 – On unattainable “big name” hires and organizational self-loathing
• 24:20–25:26 – “Dumpster fire of last” and trauma bond analogies
• 27:53 – Gruden pitch climax

Conclusion

This episode is a cathartic, comedic airing of grievances about the Arizona Cardinals’ desperate state and the wider pain felt by their fans. The hosts advocate—sincerely but with tongue-in-cheek passion—for Jon Gruden as the only feasible savior, mocking the organization’s history of bland, failed moves while offering themselves as better options. Beneath the wisecracks and exasperation is a real sense that Arizona deserves better—and likely won't get it.