01-06-26 - The Cardinals Head Coaching Job Is Ranked As The Worst Of The Available Openings In The NFL As We Advocate For Them To Hire Gruden

Summary

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Holmberg's Morning Sickness – Arizona

Episode: “The Cardinals Head Coaching Job Is Ranked As The Worst Of The Available Openings In the NFL As We Advocate For Them To Hire Gruden”

Date: January 6, 2026
Hosts: John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo

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Episode Overview

The hosts dissect the current dismal state of the Arizona Cardinals, recently ranked as the worst available head-coaching job in the NFL following the latest firing. The conversation weaves sharp humor with deep frustration as they analyze why the Cardinals’ position is so undesirable, poke fun at the franchise’s failures, speculate about potential hires, and ultimately champion the controversial idea of bringing Jon Gruden to Arizona. Through cutting banter and irreverence, the show explores the broader malaise around football in Arizona and proposes a wild but passionate solution.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Downfall of the Cardinals Head Coaching Job

• State of Disgrace: The Arizona Cardinals are ranked “the worst job available in the NFL” (04:22), considered even less attractive than typically unstable franchises like the Browns or the Jets.
• Revolving Door: The team has fired “five coaches in the last seven years” (05:21), making it undesirable for anyone seeking career longevity or hope.
• Roster and Prospects: Lack of building blocks or foundational talent, no hope at quarterback, “The word hope kept coming up, as in none” (10:03).

Notable Quote

“No one good’s going to take this job.” – John Holmberg (04:22)

2. Comparison to Other NFL Franchises

• The hosts compare the Cardinals to other jobs (Jets, Raiders, Browns, Giants, Titans, Falcons), frequently noting that even struggling franchises have more upside.
• The Atlanta Falcons job is described as “the job to take” due to their better roster and draft position (06:11).

Notable Quote

"With the Browns in the league, the Cardinals have managed to become the most embarrassing franchise." – John Holmberg (06:22)

3. Issue of Fanbase and Local Support

• Debate over whether the Cardinals have a real fan base, with Brady calling them “the worst fan base” (08:53) in the NFL.
• Jabs at the Cardinals' supporters: comparing the fan base names to “menstruation” ("Red Sea"), questioning if it's more desirable to menstruate once a month than be a Cardinals fan (09:18).

Memorable Banter

“What would you rather have, like a period once a month or be a Cardinal fan once a month?” – John Holmberg (09:18)

4. Ownership and Leadership Critique

• Heavy criticism of team owner Michael Bidwill, including skepticism about his presence at games and competence ("he missed the end of that Titans game because I was with you" – 10:14).
• Franchise leadership accused of failing to build a viable team culture or retain coaching talent.

Notable Quote

"You make me... everybody's like, why don't you support the Cardinals? I don't like them. But you know what? I like this city. So if it makes my fellow citizens have a wonderful time, I'm seeing the Cardinals hurt my fellow citizens." – John Holmberg (16:42)

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5. Who Would Even Take the Job?

• List of underwhelming/recycled possible hires (Raheem Morris, Vance Joseph, Eberflus) with the expectation that “bottom of the barrel” candidates will fill the role (07:16).
• Sarcastic predictions about media and the Cardinals front office floating unattainable big names for PR (Belichick, Tomlin, Harbaugh).

Notable Quotes

“There is nobody good that is going to even be interviewed. Raheem Morris is my pick. ...They'll hire him. Or Vance Joseph, who was here already.” – John Holmberg (07:16)

“Do you think that John Harbaugh is going to come to this dumpster fire?” – John Holmberg (19:36)

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6. Jon Gruden as the “Nuclear Option”

• Passionate Pitch: Holmberg insists Gruden is the only choice that makes “the whole league” pay attention, citing his renegade status, coaching acumen, and media exposure as assets (11:00; 27:53).
• Bold Proposal: Offers a blueprint: “We want the NFL to be mad at us. We want to pay you to be the face of this franchise. We’re going to give you five years. Win, lose or draw.” (11:20)
• Reputational Risk: Even as Gruden’s career has been controversial, the hosts argue that the Cardinals “need to erase the stigma of being the job no one wants” (17:51), casting Gruden as a defiant underdog.

Notable Quotes

"If Jon Gruden isn’t the next coach of the Arizona Cardinals, oh my God, they have failed miserably. Failed miserably because he would take the job. ...You suddenly don’t become the joke." – John Holmberg (11:10)

"Gruden is your answer. End of story." – John Holmberg (27:53)

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7. Cynicism Toward Franchise's Next Steps

• Expectation the team will default to a bland, “safe” hire instead of making a bold statement.
• Satirical suggestions about hiring impersonators (like Frank Caliendo doing a Gruden impression) for half the price (14:00).
• Joking about the franchise being so desperate they might just let anyone (including Holmberg) run things.

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8. Proposals for Fixing the Franchise

• Questions why the franchise doesn’t try outreach to under-served fandom (parallels to hockey’s failure to embrace the local Mexican-American community) and how they should market to energize fans (11:00–12:00).
• Argues for trading valuable assets while they can (“Trade McBride. ...Go get six picks for the guy.” – 18:43), since there’s little hope for building with current pieces.

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9. Recurring Humor and Tone

• The hosts’ tone is irreverently sarcastic, laced with frustrated fandom and local loyalty.
• Running gags about local media personalities (Bickley’s hair – 24:39), the unglamorous nature of the Cardinals’ job, and the city’s undeserved football purgatory.
• Even the Cardinals’ most loyal fans are described as “trauma bonded” (25:18), akin to “pimps and their families.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (w/ Timestamps)

• “No one good’s going to take this job.” – John Holmberg (04:22)
• “With the Browns in the league, the Cardinals have managed to become the most embarrassing franchise.” – John Holmberg (06:22)
• “What would you rather have, like a period once a month or be a Cardinal fan once a month?” – John Holmberg (09:18)
• “If Jon Gruden isn’t the next coach of the Arizona Cardinals, oh my God, they have failed miserably.” – John Holmberg (11:10)
• “You’re boring, you’re unloved, your fans hate you, you’re bad at everything.” – John Holmberg (12:52)
• “Gruden is your answer. End of story.” – John Holmberg (27:53)
• “We are picking last in a dumpster fire of last.” – Brady Bogen (24:20)
• “In the therapy world…I consider Cardinals fans trauma bonded. It’s the same thing with pimps and their families.” – Brett Vesely & John Holmberg (25:18)
• “Arizona is surrounded by beauty…and we have the most embarrassing franchise in football.” – John Holmberg (20:55)

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Key Timestamps

• 04:22 – Worst job ranking and state of team
• 06:11–07:16 – Comparison with other teams, “bottom of the barrel” coach talk
• 09:18 – Flush humor about being a Cardinals fan
• 11:00–12:52 – The Jon Gruden argument for head coach
• 16:42 – Why the hosts still watch the Cardinals
• 17:51 – “Erase the stigma of being the job no one wants in the NFL”
• 18:43 – Discussion about trading assets like McBride
• 19:36–20:55 – On unattainable “big name” hires and organizational self-loathing
• 24:20–25:26 – “Dumpster fire of last” and trauma bond analogies
• 27:53 – Gruden pitch climax

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Conclusion

This episode is a cathartic, comedic airing of grievances about the Arizona Cardinals’ desperate state and the wider pain felt by their fans. The hosts advocate—sincerely but with tongue-in-cheek passion—for Jon Gruden as the only feasible savior, mocking the organization’s history of bland, failed moves while offering themselves as better options. Beneath the wisecracks and exasperation is a real sense that Arizona deserves better—and likely won't get it.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[B]

Brett, the last thing you want to.

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Do is sell the gun to someone who can't legally own one.

[B]

Tell him not to put himself at.

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[A]

There you have it. MMP GU or legalgunbuyer.com the safe and legal way to sell your firearms. Morning sickness. You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. He's evil sitting right here. Come on.

[B]

No, no, he's not.

[A]

He's not evil. He's just a bit rude. I just. I just had a guy send me. This is something I don't think is going to happen ever. I talked about this on the break with somebody. Do you think we'll ever. Because. And this is the Internet's fault. Do you think we'll ever name schools after president again? I think Barack will be the last one. Right. Because he's like sort of the pioneer and he's the first of something and he didn't. I think he'll be the first one back. I don't think in 100 years there'll be Trump Elementary. I don't think there'll be any of that.

[B]

I think it's all going to be like Bear Lake or.

[A]

Yeah. Be named after stuff that's super safe. Yeah. Grass elementary. Like just things that are or people in that town. Yeah. Just like something. A prominent figure.

[B]

I don't know. I don't even think people in the.

[A]

Town it's not worth it anymore because in 100 years you find out that dude was on Epstein island. You can't have that named or he did something terrible to cats. I think we're getting high anytime soon. We're not going to buy in high school. It's not. I don't think we're going to do it anymore unless they pay for it. Well, they'd have to buy the school, but still, I don't think communities will deal with it. This guy emailed me a bunch of quotes, presidential quotes and he said it's hilarious that you said that because he saw that thing that Trump said too because he didn't want to with the United States. And then that goes right there with yesterday, December 7, 1941. A day that will live in infamy. And then Dwight D. Eisenhower's. Every gun that is made, every warship that is launched, every rocket fired signifies in a final sense a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. That's right. And also don't with the United States. Put that on a on a plaque. Eisner. Neither a wise man nor a brave man lies down on the tracks of history to wait for the train of the future to run over him. Mark Kelly is Captain Crunch.

[B]

You that's now in South Dakota in the mountains.

[A]

We put Captain Crunch on it. Simulation is broken. It's funny, it just makes me giggle because I don't think we're going to have I don't know what you teach in school years from now the famous quotes and stuff because there aren't. We hadn't had a good one. That one's one was. Oh yeah. Don't have for the United States is the is the new one. It is the great and that'll be at like Disneyland. President's talk. This is great because I'm 45. I get to say one here and then this weirdo auto pen will talk and then I'll do it again on the 47th president again, Donald Trump. Don't for the United States. Ask not what you do for your country or whatever he said now that's something. He got shot in the head. Don't with me. Anyway, the Cardinals fired their coach yesterday. We all know that there are six available jobs currently in the NFL and currently ranked as the worst job is the Arizona Cardinals.

[B]

I've seen three different stories with that.

[A]

Over the Jets. Yep. Over the Raiders because they have the number one pick.

[B]

The jets didn't Fire a guy the.

[A]

Jets are going to. But the jets is an open job. We all know that. The Giants have a quarterback, the Titans, I guess the Cardinals are by far the worst job available in the NFL. And I saw something the other day. It said it asked Donald Trump if he could do us a favor. And then it showed Michael Bidwell on a plane in gray sweats with a mask on. I could you just storm his house and get him out of here? Just, you know, get this dictator out. How in the world has it happened? The Browns job is better than the Cardinals job according to three different things I've read. The worst available head coaching job in football are your Arizona Cardinals. No one good's going to take this job.

[B]

Two playoff appearances since 2015. Bounce badly both times.

[A]

It doesn't matter when the last time they were halfway decent is. It's what you have to look forward to. And I don't think a coach looks at this roster and thinks, okay, the building blocks are great. And by the way, having fired, what, five coaches in the last seven years, not good either. It is not a place I look at as longevity or as a place that I'm going to be the one that's different. No one. They have a couple guys right now. I mean, that Kevin Stefanski, the Browns, there is no way he's going. Well, I'll just move over to Arizona. That's. That's worse than the job he just left. Somehow the lifestyle. Okay, if you're coming for that, then you're enjoy. Cliff took that up. Enjoy your year and a half in the lifestyle, and then you're gonna end up someplace good.

[B]

And by the way, he's a hot candidate now, too, for everybody but here. Yep, yep.

[A]

Atlanta is the job to take.

[B]

That's what everybody.

[A]

Because they. Bijon Robinson, they got a quarterback that's young and whatever. I'm not so sure he was great. But you got some options. They got some defense. They're good.

[B]

Kirky Cousins coming back is better than anything.

[A]

They won seven or eight games. So that's a job you're like, all right, it didn't work out down in Atlanta. There's some weird folks. They're closer. Yeah, they're bad. But the Cardinals have managed to become. How? With the Browns in the league, the Cardinals have managed to become the most embarrassing franchise. Even the Jets. Yeah, would you take the jets or would you take the Cardinals? Just like if you were for money, the jets, because you're in New York. So if you do halfway decent there, they'll fall in love with you and you'll get endorsements here. Maybe San Tan Ford has you in a commercial. Maybe I haven't seen Jonathan Gannon on one ad.

[B]

But if you're getting, getting. If you want like Cardinals notoriety in your ad, you're going for Larry Fitzgerald.

[A]

You're not getting the coach because he's not going to be here very long. You're wasting your time. They're going to get.

[B]

For old Cardinals.

[A]

Yeah. They're going to get Eber flus. Oh, my God. Wow. And then just burn the building down. If you're a fan, I highly recommend our.

[B]

Because they have to hire somebody.

[A]

Oh, yeah. And he's available now. They just got fired. They got fired in Dallas one year. We're in the. Whatever's left. The Cardinals coaching is the exact same thing as when you used to go to Blockbuster Video and that barrel of doll movies that you just dig through until you find something tolerable. I guess we'll watch this. That's all that's going to be left. There is nobody good that is going to even be interviewed. Raheem Morris is my pick. I think they'll hire Raheem Morris, who just got fired down in Atlanta. And he was bad. And he was bad. Everybody. They'll hire him. Or Vance Joseph, who was here already.

[B]

Too smart for that, isn't he?

[A]

This is a. This is a franchise that won't do anything for another five or six years.

[B]

But you think they'll go another deep again. They'll take whoever's available. But do you think that they'll try for a defensive coach again?

[A]

I don't know what they'll do. It doesn't matter. Whatever they try for won't matter. It's who accepts the job. They're going to get the bottom of the barrel of all of the people unless they get lucky and someone has family or Kenny Dillingham type guy who's like, I'm. I just want to live here. And then you got to keep him here for years whether he's good or not. Because I think Cliff Kingsbury would have loved to have stayed because he was pretty into the Scottsdale thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And man, he was plowing and he.

[B]

Was doing all right.

[A]

He was doing real good. Not necessarily as a football coach, but as the football coach. Man. He was. He was living a life.

[B]

John. To me, of all the open jobs, the Cardinals have the worst fan base. I think that's part of the. Part of it.

[A]

No, they don't.

[B]

At least the Browns have The Dog pound. The Raiders even have the Raiders fans. As bad as they've been. The Cardinals have no fan base.

[A]

Don't you have the Bird's Nest or Bird. Bird gang, Red ties. What's it called? The Red T. The Bird Gang. That's right. It's the Bird Gang.

[B]

Red Sea. Red Sea, Red Sea.

[A]

That's right. They're named after a menstruation. Either way, take the menstruation. I take. Oh, look, I'd much rather deal with somebody heavily, heavily flowing than I would go to any of their games. What would you rather have, like a period once a month or be a Cardinal fan once a month? Yeah, I mean that basically, if I had to menstruate as a man once.

[B]

A month out or watch 17 games.

[A]

Of this or sit through that and pay money four times a month with.

[B]

That and the prices went up three.

[A]

Years in a row. I know I'm out, man. How has it happened? The Browns and Jets are in the league and the Cardinals. The worst opportunity and there's. Nobody likes it. The word hope kept coming up, as in none.

[B]

That's because Bidwill said it in his press conference.

[A]

They have no quarterback. They have no hope for a quarterback.

[B]

Texters are also wanting to let you know. Did you see his press conference? Because he said, I'm at every game.

[A]

Yeah, I know. I saw that you weren't at all of the. Not the whole game. He definitely shows up for a little bit. I saw that you missed the end of that Titans game because I was with you. I didn't know I was going to be, but I was. It's just brutal. Just brutal. And I liked Jonathan Gannon. That's how bad the franchise is. They destroyed a guy who I think might have been okay.

[B]

I think. I think he ends up better off.

[A]

Oh, for sure.

[B]

He's like Stefanski. Stefanski is better off.

[A]

Out of Cleveland, Andrew Fronczyk from sec. He emails and says Cardinals need to match this dumpster fire here and hire Michigan coach Sharon Moore. Oh, man, now we're cooking. Go out and be the new Raiders.

[B]

Go get while you're at it.

[A]

Let me be the voice of reason once again. And I could have fixed the Coyotes. They'd still be here if they listen to me and embrace the Mexican culture. And they never did it because they've moved over the West Valley. They had a. A goalkeeper with a Mexican last name, El Savo. We nicknamed him here. And the guy was breaking records. And I kept saying, make Mexicans love hockey and make this crazy. Go to Telemundo and get him a deal. And they're like, oh, he's. He's Puerto Rican. Like, oh, my God, they fought back. Here's how the Cardinals fix everything. Listen to me. I should call Bickley immediately and tell him if Jon Gruden isn't the next coach of the Arizona Cardinals, oh, my God, they have failed miserably. Failed miserably because he would take the job. I think Jon Gruden to get back in. If you, as Monty Austin Fort, the general manager and Bill or Michael Bidwell. I always called Bill because the same guy. You basically say to him, we want to be the bad boys. We want the NFL to be mad at us. We want to pay you to be the face of this franchise. We're going to give you five years. Win, lose or draw. We're going to help you build whatever you want. You and Monty working. And get the press that comes with Jon Gruden, who is endlessly entertaining and he's a good coach. The Raiders were decent until they got rid of him and then just fell off the face of the planet. He made Derek Carr good. It doesn't matter. People want to play for that guy. And you suddenly don't become the joke. You become the. Oh, man. The Cardinals took this terrible situation and turned the whole league upside down. Be the Jerry Jones, but they're going to hire some assistant from Louisville or something.

[B]

If they do that, at least draft Mendoza or Pavia. Get a Hispanic quarterback.

[A]

Get Pavia. Get that little midget who flips people off on the reg and get him out here and get crazy. Get your base crazy. You're boring, you're unloved, your fans hate you, you're bad at everything. Bring in a guy who A, has the resume, B, is pissed off at the NFL and will do anything to prove that he was wrongly fired. He's got the $60 million lawsuit pending against the league. I don't know what I want him to do more. Come back to coach or beat the NFL into the ground for what he got fired for was egregious. It was horrible. He didn't do it.

[B]

Winston's throwing a shot at you.

[A]

What'd I do?

[B]

Cardinals are going to hire Tomlin after their first round exit.

[A]

Well, they might exit in the first round, but guess what? It's called the playoffs win.

[B]

Right?

[A]

I know you're not familiar with those, but they're pretty, pretty. Pretty lofty achievement for a team that was picked to come in last. The Cardinals were not picked to come in last and went hold my beer. Watch this will not only come in last, we'll have more losses than any other Cardinal team ever. 14 this guy ran says they're not hiring Gruden. They'll tell hire Caliento for half the price to be Gruden out there. Tell you what man, that wouldn't be a bad idea. Something something. Check out Homework's Morning Sickness podcast at 98.

[B]

The NFL playoffs are set and I know my team's in and Underdog is where I'll make watching them the best way to get in on the action. It's Dick Toledo from the Morning Sickness and playing on Underdog is so easy. Just pick if your favorite players will go higher or lower on their stats. My team is on a first round buy but I'll be pulling for Saquon Kittle and Josh Allen to all go higher on their projections. Play the playoffs with me and download the app today and use the promo code HMS to score $75 in bonus entries when you play your first $5. That's promo code underdog make picks win money must be 18 plus, 19 plus in Alabama and Nebraska, 19 plus in Colorado for some games, 21 plus in Arizona, Massachusetts and Virginia and present in a state where Underdog Fantasy operates. Terms apply. See assets.underdogfantasy.com web playand getterms_dfs_.HTML for details. Offer not valid in Maryland, Michigan, New Jersey, New York, Ohio and Pennsylvania. Concerned with your play? Call 1-800-GAMBLER or visit www.ncpgambling.org In New York, call 24. 7, Hope Line at 1-877-8-HOPE NY or text HOPE NY to 467369.

[A]

It's John Holmberg here from the Morning Sickness and I'm abso thrilled to tell you about my new [e-mail] here's the proof that me talking about something on the radio can be trusted because I purchased a 2024 customized Ford Bronco from the gang at Lifted Trucks. That opened my eyes to who and what these guys are all about. They not only have thousands of trucks to choose from, they also have nationwide shipping and they can get anything anywhere. My Bronco's been customized. Countless other pro athletes and celebrities. Now little old me choose Lifted trucks and lifted trucks.com work hard, play hard, drive harder. Holmberg's Morning Sickness that would be what they would do. They get a guy who sounds like impersonator, you pay top dollar and you sit on it and you, You. You. Jon Gruden comes out and is honest, man, I don't have a roster, man. They got me nothing, man. I'm working on it, though. Give me a couple years.

[B]

Send him a box of swag right now.

[A]

Immediately recruit Jon Gruden into the front office. I don't want to hear that Raheem Morris is a candidate. I know you have to interview someone of color. That is offensive to people of color. This Rooney rule is not good because now you have to do it. And you don't even. Not even serious about hiring guys. If Kevin Stefanski is dumb enough to come here, you hire him. But otherwise, you. You turn this thing on its ear and go after Jon Gruden and make it loud and have the NFL call you going, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm running my business, and it's time I did it my way. Don't hire another retread loser. Here I am helping the Cardinals. I hate the Cardinals. I think they stink.

[B]

We all do.

[A]

I hate the Cardinals, but I still watch them because it's the local thing and I want to keep an eye on it. And if they do good, you know, tip of the cap to the people who live here, that's awesome. You got stuff, but they don't. You make me. You know, everybody's like, why don't you support the Cardinals? You're like, I don't like them. But you know what? I like this city. So if it makes my fellow citizens have a wonderful time, I'm seeing the Cardinals hurt my fellow citizens, and they're the same ones that yell at me for not being a fan. You're not happy. Abuse. Why would I want to get in on this? I'm trying to help you get happy. It's terrible. Jon Gruden is the answer for what ails this team, and they won't do it. There's no way Bill Belichick will be something they arrogantly bring up and he ain't coming it up and offer Jordan a job. Yeah, let Jordan coach. Bill can be the consultant, but they'll bring that up. They'll be like, we're talking to Belichick. No, you're not. You know who might be? The Raiders. That's troubling.

[B]

TB12.

[A]

TB12's there, and he's making all the calls. I think he might be, but I don't think they get along as well. But there's some stuff up there. I'm not sure. But Gruden's your answer, and I Don't think there's a Cardinal fan out there that's sitting there going, dude's terrible. What are your options? That's your guy. Jon Gruden's your guy. And at the very least, you erase the stigma of being the job no one wants in the NFL. People want the Browns job because you got Miles Garrett, you got high draft picks. You got a championship defense. They're pretty good on defense. You got building blocks. I don't know if you're going to stick with Shador Sanders, but you got building blocks. What are. There's none here. None. A couple of decent receivers. Your best players at tight end ain't going anywhere with that.

[B]

These trademate.

[A]

I might even consider that after this year.

[B]

Your call has been that. What you. You called for trading Fitzgerald. You called for trading Kyle Murray.

[A]

Where are you going with Trey McBride next year?

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Other than just. Just abuse him for another 120 catches for a five win team. And then with Brissette again, when you could go get six picks for the guy, I'm not sure you get that. But you're going to get something nice for him. You'd get a top three. First three rounds, Gruden is your answer. And then free agents would want to come. I might even keep that Kyler Murray around, man. He's kind of cute. I used to love Webster, man. Making my way through the track of the day. Says Ravens will fire Harbaugh and the Cardinals will pick him up. Do you think that John Harbaugh is going to come to this dumpster fire?

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

There are teams that will fire their coach if Harbaugh gets fired just to get him.

[B]

Oh, absolutely. Better organization.

[A]

Of course they'll pick up Pete Carroll. That would be a move. That would be something they do. That would be a dumb thing.

[B]

And Pete would take it because Pete is all about process.

[A]

Yeah, that like he was up in Vegas when he realized, oh crap, this team stinks. Yeah, they. This. It's just so dumb. But anyway, I don't know how you've done it, but you managed. You've managed to screw this franchise into the ground. And I don't think anybody here really, because we have such a great city. I think in Cleveland, like you look around Cleveland every day of your life and you realize we deserve the Browns. This city deserves something better. This is a good town. Cleveland is Cleveland, for Christ's sake. You wander around Cleveland every day knowing you're in Cleveland. You look at that stadium and go, that's where losers should be. Like that they should live there. Arizona is surrounded by beauty and amazing things and glory and gorgeous weather. And we have the most embarrassing franchise in football. Salt Lake City. You need a football team. They're next.

[B]

San Antonio, take our retreads.

[A]

There you go. And the NFL would be like, we don't blame you. Who do you want? Is Tennessee moving anytime soon? We'll take that one anyway. My two cents. Remember in the old days when I say local media outlets are calling for John Gruden? They won't do that because they don't take us seriously, but we could fix this team. And I think maybe I'm going to call them up and say, you guys hire dumb, make dumb hires, make one more. I want to be in charge of something over there. How bad is the idea of me working there than anybody else they've hired? I don't know. You even want that job? Sure. I'd drive around drunk like Steve Kyle, telling everybody in the operations. Security manager.

[B]

What's that? The new party bus?

[A]

Yeah, we got a new party bus. And this time it means business. And I'm driving it right over to Tampa. And I'm picking up Gruden, man, this is pretty nice. We're road tripping back like Madden, man. And you get to be friends with Frank Caliano. They're good friends. He gets to live with him. We could have Gruden here every Tuesday. He would, and he'd do it. Calienda would talk him into it, would have Frank and him, and it would be great. They what? Man, this franchise sucks, man. He'd be honest about things. There it is. Now it's time for another great presidential quote. If my aunt had a dick, she'd be my uncle.

[B]

Anyway, John, the press conference was actually the part where Bill said he watches every play, not simply that he was at every game. He watches every play.

[A]

Not necessarily from the stadium. Giggle. Yeah, not from the stadium. And not necessarily on game day, evidently, because I was with him in a restaurant while the game was just ending.

[B]

And to give credit, here is one true Cardinal fan. Worry about your own S teams, you sobs.

[A]

Why are you mad at us? We're trying to help you stop being so miserable. What is good about being a Cardinal fan that you can't take advice from somebody else? Well, all right, angry person. Who do you want to coach this team?

[B]

And remember, it takes two. Just because you want Tomlin, you're not getting Tomlin, doesn't mean that Tom's gonna go. Yeah, that's the place I want to be.

[A]

Mike. Tomlin is not going to go. Only option I had was Arizona. If the. If the Steelers got rid of him.

[B]

The quotes would be epic.

[A]

He is not coming here.

[B]

Oh, what about Philip Rivers?

[A]

Good afternoon. I just want to come. I want to be someplace hopeless. Mike Tomlin has all the leverage. If the Steelers decided to part ways with Mike Tomlin, first off, they'd trade him because they still own him for a year. And I know you're not supposed to say that, but that's true. And the Giants would take him or he the Dolphins. There'd be a thousand teams that would say, we'll give you tons of stuff. The Cardinals. No, he'd have a closet. Three places. I do not want to go. Valenzuela, Haiti and Phoenix. Question Cardinal fans, pull your heads out of your asses. You're not getting Mike Tomlin unless the. Unless the Steelers wait till June to fire him. And then. Even still, I think teams would be like, we're getting Tom. Ain't happening. Come here. With no quote Kyler Murray and no hope, morons. We're trying to help you be happy. You just don't listen. You're acting like a bunch of broads.

[B]

God damn it. I hate that. You guys are right. We are picking last in a dumpster fire of last.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. You're the worst at being last, too. That's amazing. Like, you're in last place and teams were worse than you this year. But going forward, at least they've got a little hope. You don't. You got Trey McBride, who's great. Trade him.

[B]

All right, John, since you brought it up, and I'm going to be watching him a lot through this whole process. Is Bickley's hair real?

[A]

I had lunch with Bickley over the break, and I don't know, maybe it's.

[B]

Got a lot of product in it.

[A]

It does have a lot of product. If he was my labradoodle, I'd. I'd shave it. Like, it's like when a lab.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

He's got supposed to so much effort.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like, I would worry that he gets in the pool, it's going to tangle, and then the groomer's going to get mad at me.

[B]

Cold weather, it would break off.

[A]

It looks tight.

[B]

You need special comb.

[A]

Yeah, I wanted to touch it, but I did. I. We're talking and stuff. I'm like, bickley, I gotta touch it.

[B]

John. In the therapy world of which I reside, we consider Cardinals fans to be trauma bonded.

[A]

Trauma bonded. Yep.

[B]

It's the same thing. With pimps and their families.

[A]

Yes, Michael Bidwell is a pimp. That is a fact. Now go get Jon Gruden. Who won't listen to Michael Bidwell. He'll be nice to him. He'll do what I do. It's called neck. Your bosses. Uh huh. Great idea. And then you go do whatever you want. Unless their idea was decent. You have to be open minded enough to go, hey, the idiot in the suit had a decent idea. I'm gonna run with that. But most of the time we're like, here's how things are gonna go. And the Bob's talk and we're gonna try this and we're. That I'm like, hey, great idea. Bob's great job. And it's called neck. You just nod and say that's great. And then you do whatever you want. And then you go back to him. You have to, you have to play this game. Probably have to go back to him. Man, it worked. That singing. I know. You kind of had your own spin on it. Yeah. No, it was great though. Great job. Thanks. That's all the Bob's want is somebody to make them, make them feel like they also think they're good at their job because they're so. Their imposter complex is insane. Gruden would do it. I'll call it right here. Sources tell me Jon Gruden is the next head coach of the Arizona.

[B]

I don't disagree with you. I think that's a great way to go.

[A]

The perfect hire.

[B]

The only thing about that would be great. I don't think Gruden would do it.

[A]

Why? No one else is going to hire him. This is his chance to get back in. And if you promise him we're not going to do what we normally do, I don't know. You got five years guaranteed. Guaranteed. And that means you're going to be here, lose or whatever else. Change the culture of this franchise with your words. It doesn't. What happens on the field will happen. You change. You make people want to come here because you are passionate, you are proven, you're established and you're. And you're fighting back. He's got something to fight for. He's trying to prove to the NFL he got screwed. He's a renegade. He's everything this team's never had.

[B]

But by doing that, isn't that kind of, well, that kind of blackball him from the NFL?

[A]

Gruden? Yeah. No, that's why the Cardinals can go and say, hey, the NFL is trying to blackball you. Let's put you back in here. You can still do that. He hasn't been banned. Unless there's, you know, some proof of it and then you prove collusion.

[B]

There's been some opportunities.

[A]

There's been none. Zero. Nobody's ever. Nobody's ever even reached out.

[B]

And I thought he might. I thought he might dip into college, maybe.

[A]

This is. This is worse than going to college. Take this job and. And just.

[B]

It would be great.

[A]

It would be awesome. Gruden is your answer. End of story.

[B]

What about Jordan and Bill coming here?

[A]

Oh, that's what he said. They'll bring that up as if Bill Belichick would consider it. He ain't coming here. He's got pick of the litter. And he chose Unc because his girlfriend likes it there. Now, if Jordan says, hey, I want to live in Phoenix, there's a chance, but I don't. And if we have an amazing dance team. Look. Yeah, and you'll get a lifeless coach that doesn't care that goes to Palm Squad tournaments. Yeah, during the season. Bill doesn't want to coach.

[B]

It'll be part of the contract.

[A]

Bill did that so his son Steve could have a job guaranteed at nc, which he will probably next year. Either way. Yeah. Make it. Make this terrible relationship valuable for a minute. You'll energize the fan base. People think it matters. He'll. He'll be fiery, he's fun. Give him a show immediately on both radio and television. Promote the hell out of this. Change what people think of the Cardinals because you're. You're the Special Olympics of football. I feel most sorry for, like Dave Pash and the guys that have to go act like this is something they like doing. They're miserable. No wonder Wolfley retired. I'd have quit watching that, too. We got the hot releases coming. I've made my call. Gruden is the next coach of the Cardinals. And if they don't do it, they're stupid. It's 98.

[B]

It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fees.

[A]

I've heard enough of this. Hey, it's Larry McFeely.

[B]

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[A]

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