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Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona
01-08-25 - Rock Wars - Setting Rules For This Year - Bret's Topic Of A Song To Describe The Smell Of Janis Joplin's Privates
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John Holmberg
All right, HMS Podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Get out to the Tempe Improv on the east side to see Paul Versey on Thursday and Beth Stelling Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The Desert Ridge Improv up North features Sarah Weinschenk this Thursday and Joe DeRosa on Friday and Saturday. And downtown at Stand Up Live, check out the very funny Lil Rel performing Friday, Saturday and Sunday for the complete lineups. And for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com it's John Holberg here. For the amazing people at the Core Institute, life can throw you a curveball now and again. One day you're trucking along, feeling great. Next day your dog smashes into your head and knocks you cold. Or like a KUPD listener told me this week, his dog did a sprint across the backyard directly into the side of his wife's leg and blew her knee up. She needed that need to get fixed and fixed right. Two years later, she's running like she used to again. And it's all thanks to the Core Institute. I went through it, too. And you can get rid of your pain and start saying yes, I can to all the things you want to do. And. And all you have to do is trust the experts at the Core Institute head there right now. The Core Institute dot com. You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. He's evil. Sitting right here. Come on. No, no, he's not. He's not evil. He's just a bit rude. Rock wars is here as well for 2025. And each January we come up with a new rule that is added to Rock wars to make it more trivial and annoying and stupid by year's end. The new rule added this year. Just think when you didn't think we could get more stupid, just and you thought it could be less meaningful, we've added a way to make it even more frivolous in the finals when the great John Gordon shows up and we say, johnny, pick a number between one and we're going to add a number to where the finals can be John Gordon's choice. The. The final phone call, the emails, the texts, and now trivia. Which means if trivia comes up, the three of us. Because Brady, frankly, doesn't have a chance now. And I also understand that the people emailing that I still hear from a lot know that 2023 Brady still owes us a 69 with a sex doll. Here's the good news about us not having done that yet. First off, most likely on the last five years of working here. So pretty soon, we're not gonna give a what anybody says, and we're just gonna do it. Cause what do we care? We just. All right, we skate. So we were told by lawyers that having that sex doll on video would be detrimental to the future of the radio station and kind of scared us off. Now, frankly, don't care. So we'll work Brady 69, with a sex doll. In. Also, in fairness to Brady, we have to let his parents pass before this becomes a thing. There's no possible way, I really want Brady to have to live that he's not very those things. And if funny saw him performing the beast number on stage with what appears to be a very realistic naked lady, all the work she's done to make her feel like her family is normal, right out the window. So we understand that last year's prize was just drawn out of a hat. We haven't done that yet either. But right now, the cool thing about trivia is. And we'll add this rule to the rock wars, that come December, when it's the final one, if trivia is drawn, the whole year goes to the winner. That gives Brady a chance because he only wins, like, two or three times a year. Right? It was a tough year last year. I think he had four wins last year. So in fairness, I mean, we could just keep picking, like, terrible things that Brady's going to have to do this year. You know what we could do? Two of his wins were back to back, by the way, and one was given to him. Wait a minute. Oh, he was the chief, sir. Back to back weeks. You didn't do very well. You had like three or four wins total. How about this with trivia being the. Well, this is pretty good stuff. What I'm about to say, with trivia being the option here, that it could very possibly end on a trivia question completely. Let's have this. The final. The final week. Well, no, can't do that. Because then it wouldn't matter all week long or all year long. We'll still have the value. And then if trivia comes up, it's just, you know, give or take, no holds barred. That's it. One question. Loser. Last place has to get a tattoo of the dude in first place. His name somewhere on their body with a heart around it. We all love each other enough that this is still funny and you can explain it away. No, not not unless there's 3 million. You don't have to worry about coming in third. This is basically for him. Yeah, maybe Brady would have to more than likely your name because I'm perennially in second in this thing, but I'm not gonna. I'm not really at threat to have Brett Vesley with a heart around it on my ass anymore, but Brady is in constant threat of having your name tattooed to his ass. I think that's a pretty. That's a pretty good one, I think. Now, now. Not a horrible idea. If Brady wins the trivia contest at the end, we both have to have Brady's name tattooed to our ass with a heart around it. That's solid. If he beats both of you, you guys shouldn't be. We both. I'll just kill myself. We would not kill yourself if Brady beats me. Come on. Oh, no, Brady beats us. Beats us both at trivia. It's hard, but we'll pick. It will be zoo and food trivia, and you can imagine which. We're done. We're shot to make Brady understand what I just said. Sex trivia. All right, so are our options now? I have text, emails, John Gordon trivia, and the final call. Is there something else to add to that list or. Those are our five choices. Those would be the one through five. Yeah. So final call, Gordon, Facebook, email. Not Facebook, Facebook, whatever. Text, emails, John Gordon trivia and final call. Okay. They're written down. They are codified. Somebody says you guys should get AI involved. Like cards against humanity. Let AI pick a song against you. I don't even know if we could do that. How would we do that? Like, AI just writes a better song for the top. We put the topic in and have pick a song. Well, no, we could have an AI thing. Just do a song and see if it's better than what we've chosen. But then that's going to take forever. No, no, we don't have, like, especially when we're running late. We don't have that kind of time. Although, Johnny, I wrote 10 songs yesterday with AI in about a minute and a half. I just. Ideas. I didn't write a single song. Just gave and I sent one to you, which is DUA Leap of Falling in Love with me on the dance floor. That sounded like a church hymn in church. All I wrote was Dua Lipa falls in love with Bald John Holmberg. And it. It was like, oh, you gotta write me a Margot Robbie song, man. You can do it. All right. You show me the app. All right, we'll do it afterwards. Margot Robbie falls with Brett Festly. A very oily Italian breakfast. And it. It wrote a. It wrote a Mormon. It's like being in church. Can I have a soul song? Do you get to pick what style? Oh, nice. You have country Pops, you know, soul rock, indie. And the app isn't great. It's. It's, you know, it's fun. Five bucks. It's kind of novelty thing. But it's pretty amazing how quick it comes up with something. And it's pretty reasonable. But the song was very emotional. Anyway. All right, so that's our thing. So this one, the tattoo. I think we all are in accord. Good. That's nice to hear. And that this year we're going to actually follow through because lawyers can't get mad at us. To do that, Brady has to tattoo the words Juno's on his ass. You get one that says David, and then Brett can get one that says Brady with hearts around it. I'm fine with that. That doesn't bother me. Or to make it really interesting. And I'll pay for this. For fun. The third place guy gets the plastic surgery of the winner's choice. Like, let's say Brady comes in last and we make him get a nose job. Give him the Humpty Dance nose. No, we wouldn't add to it. Just get him a nose job. It's a good idea. Or breast reduction surgery or something. I don't know. Suck you down to bones. I think we could do that. Anyway, we'll come up with those as we go. But, you know, the sex doll thing? Lawyers actually did get involved and scared, you know, said that they would. The Bobs. The Bob shut us off. And in a way, that makes me happier. But again, if in fact, we have decided this will be the last. The last contract in this building, what do we care what the lawyers say? Shut us down. Big deal. You're lost, sister. All right, Brett, do you have a topic for this week's Rockwell? Sure. All right, what do you got? Big topic of the week so far has been the smell that is coming out of Janis Joplin. That is not the big topic. That is a big topic. It is not this week. So a song that describes the smell and banning. Ooh, that smell. Yeah. Yeah. Come on. No little hanging. Okay. Yeah. Just because we mentioned Janis Joplin and my aversion to such. You said you. Look, it is a big topic. You'd rather go to a 311 concert than. Not only that. Yeah, I'd rather have sex with all the members of 3 11. That's what I'm saying. So that is a big topic. Panties. Like I said yesterday, I would have sex with her corpse today. Dig it up. Before, I would take a time machine back and have sex with her alive. Because I think her corpse probably smells better now than it did then. Janis Joplin, without question, hands down, the most overrated thing in American history. War, music, television, arts, entertainment. She's the most. And also Woodstock a close second. And she was part of that. So it's 1 and 1A romanticizing both of them. Ridiculous. All right. I don't know why this is. This is a thing, but we're kicking off 2025 with a song, a tribute to the aroma of Janis Joplin down south. You're weird. If you want to help out, holbrook@98kupd.com or you can text 97936. Your suggestions will have it for you next. It's 98 Holmberg's Morning Cig. College hoops are here, and there's no better place to catch the action than Hooters. Fuel up with a baller bundle. 10 boneless wings, crispy fries, dressing, and a fountain drink starting at just $9.99. Want to level up your game day experience? Swap the fountain drink for a Beat the Buzzer special featuring your choice of Beatbox or Buzz balls for a low price. This offer is for game days only, so grab your crew, enjoy the action, and feast on the flavors you love. Only at Hooters. The original wing since 1983. Hey, it's Larry McFeely here with Wayne from Amco and Wayne. Now that it's getting warmer, I turned on the AC in my car and the air's blowing. Kind of cool, but it really smells like a basement. What can I do about that, Larry? Your car's AC system should be checked and serviced every year. Plus, replacing the cabin air filter helps the air blow strong and takes away any nasty smell. Nice. Is that a big deal to get done? Not at all. It takes about an hour. And in most cases, we can do it while you wait. That's awesome. I'll say. We're Amco. Google Amco for your nearest location. That's Amco Double A MCO transmissions and a whole lot more. Hi, I'm Diane Fisher from Fisher Tools. From our humble beginnings in 1964 at the Phoenix park and swap to our 4 acre campus located just south of Tempe Marketplace off the 202 and McClintock. Fisher Tools has been building the valley for over 60 years. Come check us out and browse our huge selection of tools and anything you need to do the job right. We carry Milwaukee, Dewalt, Makita, Proto and so much more. We're also online@fishertools.com KUPD listeners will receive 10% off their order when you mention this ad. Fish or tools? If we don't have it, we can't sell it. Hey, everybody, it's John Holmberg from the Morning Sickness talking to Shane Orlando from Orlando Auto Body. Now, Shane, I take great pride in saying I stand with someone when I tell a listener to go to their shop. I know why. You tell me what's different for a KUPD listener to go to Orlando Auto Body than anywhere else. Well, first of all, we've been in Valley here for over 34 years. We do a quality job. We work for you, not the insurance companies. So that we can work together to make sure your listeners are getting the customer service they deserve. If your car's been wrecked and you need that thing fixed the right way, get on over there now. Orlandoautobody.com Holmberg's Morning Sickness. What a strange way to start it. It's time for the weekly battle of musical supremacy now with permanent results, possible plastic surgery or tattoos. Rock War is brought to you by our friends at Mo Money Pond. Shorter long term collateral loans from $10 to over 100,000American dollars. No credit needed, top dollar paid. The entire process just taking several minutes. Mo Money Pawn.com, 12th street and Indian School. Brett mistakenly thought that this week's topic of the week is the smell of Janis Joplin's vagina. Based on my hatred for Janis Joplin. And by the way, thank you to all the emailers who have. It's almost like, like I've set you free to say my God. Thank you for saying what we're all thinking. Janis Joplin is horrible and one of the dirtiest, grossest human beings on the planet. Yuck. I thought when I remember the movie the Fisher king. Yeah, Robin Williams is. I thought that was the Janis Joplin story. The way he was dressed and how he. I thought, oh, he's playing Janis Joplin. He's doing an amazing job. I'm like, oh, it's just coincidence that he looked and smelled and looked and acted just like her. Disgusting, hairy, covered in dirty clothes, living on the streets. Dirty, gross woman. Yuck. Ugh. So Brett has decided to do a theme song in honor of Janis Joplin's Vagina, which was a topic of yesterday, not, what do you expect topic of the week. It is us. Let's not throw us in the. You're the one that brought it up. Well, I brought up my hatred, and then you rolled with it. You make the topic of the week with 311 before going down there. Oh, I would be like a performing circus seal on 3 11, blowing horns like crazy. So who would you like to go first? Go ahead, Brady. All right. I went with the blues legend Buddy Guy with Smell the Funk. Smell the funk. I know this song. Buddy Guy's the man. And you've been Toledo to start the season. Can you smell it, baby? Can you smell? My only argument to this, so no one would ask, can you. You can smell this right now. Can you smell. There's an N in there. Yeah, yeah. He's saying funk people. Yes. You'd like me to go next? Yeah. Well, I just put myself in the bedroom or the room where Janis Joplin's genitals are. I'm pretending to be Janis Joplin's gynecologist. That poor son of a bitch deserves the medal of honor. Like she ever went to a vag doctor to get that thing straightened out. It was as is to a vet herp. And I know the first thought in my mind after I got an eyeball of that thing, let alone the smell of it, there would be only one phrase that comes to mind. I'm coming out. I'm never gonna see a good one again. I'm gay now. I didn't even know it was possible to make me hate vagina. But, boy, did Janis Joplin try Fear of Clam. Yeah, thank God she d before I knew what it was. But, yeah, I'd be immediately a homosexual, like, looking into the eye of Sauron, and I'd be like, where's 311? I gotta do some on top of old smokey on some 311 horns. I would dig up Jim Morrison and blow him before I would consider if I was the last man on earth and Janis Joplin was next to me. We had to repopulate the earth. I would repopulate it with, you know, a primate. I would find the closest ape in the zoo. That was like, we're gonna try so much like us. Yuck. Brett, your last. All right. I don't think anybody said it better than this band. Dick Delicious and the tasty testicles. What? Oh, yeah. This is big stinky peas. Oh, my God. Do I have to edit this air aquarium? My Only question is how did Brady not know about this? Why? It smells like fish. It's a dish. If it smells like. Alone. Leave it alone. Leave. Come on. Hair aquarium. Genius lyrics. You had me at hair aquarium. All right. Here's the wonderful lyrics for the song. Just starts out with tuna taco. Yeah. Tuna tacos. Where it classically kicks off the tune. Hair aquarium. Flounder. Fry flounder. All right. Hair aquarium. I've never heard before. I really. Pot pie. All right. Brady got into that. But he got excited about one of them. Don't wreck pot pie. What if Janis Joplin stood there with her knees east and west going, you have a little bite of this pot pie. I like pot pie. Except for hers is pole pot pie. It killed 7 million Indonesians or whatever. She's kind of praising it more than. Huh? They're kind of price praising it on that song. You ask a woman if that's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Tonight. Whisper that like sweet nothings in her ear. Tonight. Some of that. You have some of that Hair aquarium. I will. You know what? He might. She'd say no if he called it ambrosia. She's not. She's not. If you say that to her tonight and video it. You're out of the penalty for Rockwell. And videotape her going. Absolutely. And then the beginnings of the entire event. Yes. And have Kirby film it like that kid. For only. God. I miss your hair aquarium. Yeah. That's. That's Hallmark. Brady. You're right. That is praising fish taco. Hair aquarium. That trout pot pie. That trout pot pie. That's praying. What are you talking about? Why are you so angry? What a. It's like always. People always say it's like this country's going to hell in a handbag. It's never been worse. Like, have you ever talked to a black guy before? Shut up. All right. Well, damn. It's gonna be a tough win for all of us. Brett's. Brett's off and running. We'll try anyway. Homeburger@98kupd.com. You can vote there. Text 97936. Or you can call us and be the last caller. 585-9800. We'll have the results of Rock wars after this. It's 98. This is Michael with Restore My Civil Rights. I made a lot of poor decisions in my past that had lifelong consequences. After I was released from prison for the last time in 2014, I discovered the process to have my convictions dismissed and all of my rights restored, including my Second Amendment rights. Since achieving this for myself in 2018, our attorney has assisted over 3,000 others in doing the same. If you are still living under the consequences of past mistakes and would like to restore your rights as I have, visit restoremycivilrights.com and book a free consultation. Today. It's John Holmberg from the morning sickness for lifechangeloan.com Let me tell you about Brian and Emily. Brian listens to KUPD loyally. Megan listens to the news. But both of them have heard about Life changerloan for a long time. Both were curious. They never bothered really to look too deep since they felt good about their 20 year loan with a good rate. But they want to remodel their house and add a pool and that's going to cost about $250,000. After visiting Life Changer Loan, they realized they can still pay off the entire thing in about six years. It is not magic, it's math. Life changerloan.com It's Dick Toledo and new customers right now on FanDuel. Get $150 in bonus bets when your first $5 wager wins. Just visit FanDuel.com KUPD to grab $150 in college hoops bonus bets with a winning five dollar bet and prepare for March on FanDuel America's 1 Sportsbook 21 plus in President Arizona first online real money wager only $5. First deposit required. Bonus issued as non withdrawable bonus bets which expire seven days after receipt. Restrictions apply. See terms@sportsbook.fanduel.com gambling problem. Call 1-800-next-step or text next step to Holmberg's morning sickness. Yeah, my unreasonable and irrational and timely hatred of Janice Joplin manifests in this week's Rock Horse. Yes, a song that defines her smell. Now you have run away with the vote with this unknown brilliance that brought us the phrase hair aquarium. You mean dick delicious in the tasty testicles? Come on. I mean, how have they not become famous? It says, Sean Rockefeller, our blind listener says, I dated a girl out here in Ohio. Keep in mind, he's blind. Oh, you have to be especially clean as a lady. Oh man. And he goes, I really liked her. But that smell. How bad would it be that some dude that can't even look you in the eye cause he doesn't know where yours are is breaking up with you because you stink too much. I bet you blind guys break up with people a lot because he smells like it was like a dumpster behind a Japanese restaurant that had been lit on fire. Brett for the win this week, though the new term hare aquarium must stay. I agree. This is Brady stayed on topic, but his song was a little vanilla jewburg. You had me with your song until Brett's song came on. Hair aquarium. Come on. I'm glad I had my earbuds in. That would have been tough to explain to my co workers, but it's tough enough to explain why I'm giggling so hard. So Brett's got pretty much all the votes. Yeah, it seems so. So it's John Gordon now. That can change the game because trivia's in the mix now. John, pick a number between one and five. Number five it is. And five this week is final call. Oh, that changes everything. We can only assume that it's going to be the hair aquarium fan club or flounder fry. Or maybe it's a lady who just can't stand that you did it. 585-9800. Will will open the phones up and get a final call here for the rock wars once again, dick delicious and the tasty teas. I think I was close. Brady chose buddy guy and I chose Diana ross. I'm coming out. Final call belongs to. Hello, Are you there? I am here. What is your name? My name is sean. Sean, go right ahead and make the final call. You are this week's determining factor. There can only be one. Yeah, it is the super jew. Me. Wait a minute. I want. Come on. Yes. You don't want to hear that. Thank you so much. Stolen from dick delicious and the tasty testicles Diana Ross neighbors got in rock and roll hall of fame. You're the only one that means me. Phenomenal. Thank you very much, supporter. I love it. Well, all right. We'll get a little. I'm coming out when larry's show starts. In fact, that should start Larry's show every day. I think. It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee. I have heard enough of this.