01-09-25 - Eric Schwartz - Tempe Improv - In Studio - Being Bald/Font Comedy And The Anne Frank Sequel

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona: Episode Summary Featuring Eric Schwartz

Release Date: January 9, 2025

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Introduction

In the January 9, 2025 episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness on Arizona's #1 Morning Radio Show, host John Holmberg welcomes comedian Eric Schwartz to the Tempe Improv studio. Joined by co-hosts Dick Toledo, Brady Bogen, and Bret Vesely, the episode promises a blend of entertainment, insightful humor, and unconventional discussions. Eric Schwartz brings a unique flavor to the show with his multifaceted approach to comedy, incorporating elements of music and personal anecdotes.

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Eric Schwartz's Unique Comedy Style

From the outset, Eric Schwartz distinguishes himself with his "multi comedia" style—a fusion of multimedia and traditional stand-up comedy. At [17:03], Eric describes his act: “I call it multimedia comedy. I do visuals. I talk about fonts for all my nerds out there.” This innovative approach sets the tone for an engaging and dynamic conversation.

Dick Toledo highlights Eric’s distinctiveness, stating at [02:04], “The thing you're doing is a little different than most people, which is very musical without like being a guitar folk singer of comedy.” Eric elaborates on his background, sharing, “I started as a DJ, right on the turntables. I spent all my apartments for money on DJ equipment” ([02:14]). This blend of music and comedy not only entertains but also showcases Eric's versatility.

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Embracing Baldness: Personal Journeys and Societal Perceptions

A significant portion of the discussion revolves around baldness—a topic both hosts embrace with humor and candor. Eric, who has been bald since his early 30s, discusses the emotional journey towards acceptance. He reflects, “Any guy who's thinking, like, who's a little patchy, it was the best thing ever. It's marketing, right? Especially if you're trying to impress the ladies” ([09:31]). This perspective underscores the societal pressures men face regarding hair and appearance.

Dick Toledo adds his own experiences, humorously lamenting the daily maintenance associated with hair: “If you get magic pill happen, would you grow it back?” followed by his quip, “I just leave. Which Bret can't do because he's got that beautiful mop on his head” ([26:03]). Their banter emphasizes the absurdity of societal expectations and the liberation found in embracing one's natural state.

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Critique of Hair Growth Solutions: Rogaine, Propecia, and Beyond

The hosts delve into various methods people use to combat baldness, often critiquing them with sharp humor. Eric shares his negative experience with hair growth products: “I spent money on their product, and then I was like, you know, this is messing up my pillows. It stains your stings. Yeah. And it's bad for you” ([11:58]). He further mocks the inefficacy and side effects of these solutions, stating, “It kills your manhood. So what's the point?” ([11:58]).

Dick Toledo reinforces this skepticism, humorously suggesting the futility of battling baldness with ineffective products: “It's like you're trying to stop a tsunami with it” ([12:15]). Their collective stance advocates for self-acceptance over the pursuit of impossible beauty standards.

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Font Comedy: The PT Cruiser of Typography and Comic Sans Conundrum

Shifting gears, Eric introduces a niche yet fascinating topic—fonts. As a self-proclaimed “font savant,” Eric leads a playful yet insightful discussion on typography. He candidly criticizes overused and poorly designed fonts, notably Comic Sans, referring to it as “the PT Cruiser of fonts” ([17:58]). This analogy underscores the font's widespread disapproval in professional settings.

Dick Toledo echoes this sentiment with practical humor: “Would you trust a condom with Comic Sans on the label? No. Good luck” ([18:41]). The conversation highlights how font choices can influence perceptions and credibility, blending technical knowledge with comedic flair.

Eric continues by advising on suitable fonts for various contexts, recommending versatile and professional options like Gotham and Helvetica. He emphasizes restraint in font usage: “Don’t go crazy on your fonts. Just simple” ([20:35]). This segment not only entertains but also educates listeners on the subtle power of typography in communication.

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Humorous Speculations: Anne Frank’s Diary and Fictional Sequels

In a bold and unexpected twist, the conversation veers into speculative humor surrounding Anne Frank's diary. The hosts concoct a fictional sequel titled “The Search for Curly’s Gold,” blending historical references with modern comedic elements. Eric muses, “They found another stash of papers... And it's her TikTok director's cut” ([24:13]), playfully merging past and present cultural phenomena.

Dick Toledo further elaborates, “Imagine if Anne Frank's diary was in Comic Sans. You'd be like. You wouldn't feel bad” ([22:47]). This satirical take serves as a commentary on how presentation can alter the tone and reception of serious content, maintaining respect while pushing comedic boundaries.

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Final Insights and Words of Wisdom

As the episode concludes, Eric imparts a message of self-acceptance and personal confidence: “If you're bald, be happy with yourself. If you're not bald, get bald” ([25:40]). This succinct advice encapsulates the episode’s overarching theme of embracing one’s true self amidst societal pressures.

Dick Toledo wraps up with a humorous twist on a classic motivational quote, stating, “Be the change you want to see in the world. Like my doppelganger Gandhi said” ([26:15]). The blend of humor and genuine advice leaves listeners with both laughter and introspection.

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Conclusion

This episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona masterfully intertwines personal anecdotes, societal commentary, and niche humor. Eric Schwartz’s multifaceted approach to comedy, combined with the hosts’ engaging banter, creates an entertaining and thought-provoking experience. From discussions on baldness and hair growth solutions to the quirky world of fonts and humorous takes on historical topics, the episode offers a rich tapestry of insights and laughs. Notable quotes punctuate the conversation, enhancing its relatability and memorability for listeners both familiar and new to the show.

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Notable Quotes:

• Eric Schwartz at [09:40]: “It's like a billboard. Your statement is comfort with self.”
• Dick Toledo at [17:58]: “Comic Sans is the PT Cruiser of fonts.”
• Eric Schwartz at [25:40]: “If you're bald, be happy with yourself. If you're not bald, get bald.”
• Dick Toledo at [26:15]: “Be the change you want to see in the world. Like my doppelganger Gandhi said.”

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This comprehensive summary encapsulates the essence of the January 9, 2025 episode, highlighting key discussions, humorous exchanges, and insightful commentary that define Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona as a premier morning radio show.

Transcript

[John Holberg]

All right, HMS Podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Get out to the Tempe Improv on the east side to see Paul Versey on Thursday and Beth Stelling Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. The Desert Ridge Improv up north features Sarah Weinschenk this Thursday and Joe Derosa on Friday and Saturday. And downtown at Stand Up Live, check out the very funny Lil Rel performing Friday, Saturday, and Sunday for the complete lineups. And for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com it's John Holberg here for.

[Dick Toledo]

The amazing people at the Core Institute, life can throw you a curveball now and again. One day you're trucking along, feeling great. Next day your dog smashes into your head and knocks you cold. Or like a KUPD listener told me this week, his dog did a sprint across the backyard directly into the side of his wife's leg and blew her knee up. She needed that need to get fixed and fixed right? Two years later, she's running like she used to again. And it's all thanks to the Core Institute. I went through it, too. And you can get rid of your pain and start saying, yes, I can to all the things you want to do.

[Eric Schwartz]

And.

[Dick Toledo]

And all you have to do is trust the experts at the Core Institute head there right now. The Core Institute.com.

[Eric Schwartz]

Sickness.

[Unknown]

You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself.

[Dick Toledo]

He's evil.

[John Holberg]

Sitting right here.

[Dick Toledo]

Come on. No, no, he's not. He's not evil. He's just a bit rude. 98 KUPD. It's 98 KUPD. It's was. It's just a room of handsome bald guys. That's all that's going on right now. Still so left out.

[Eric Schwartz]

He's so at home.

[Dick Toledo]

Look at this, Eric. Look at his hair.

[Eric Schwartz]

How do you feel now? Haired person.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, haired weirdo. You'll feel great. Minority.

[Eric Schwartz]

He can spot her.

[Dick Toledo]

Like. Yeah. He wears a hat. He's got one of those. He wears a hat. I'm not preparing for you clowns every morning. Getting up early for that. It's a good point. Eric Schwartz is here. He's at the Tempe Improv tonight. Are you doing other stuff in town this weekend, too?

[Eric Schwartz]

Just temp?

[Dick Toledo]

Just tonight.

[Eric Schwartz]

Just being bald and Tempe Improv. That's all I'm doing.

[Dick Toledo]

That's the only two things you're doing for us today.

[Eric Schwartz]

That's all I need.

[Dick Toledo]

That's awesome. 7:30 tonight, you want to go to the 10pmprev.com and if you haven't seen Eric Schwartz yet, the YouTube stuff's pretty good. You're unique, I'll say that.

[Eric Schwartz]

It's.

[Dick Toledo]

The thing you're doing is a little different than most people, which is very musical without like being a guitar folk singer of comedy.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah, I've been told I'm a one of one.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, that's right.

[Eric Schwartz]

I like hearing that. But yeah. So like I started as a dj, right on the turntables. I spent all my apartments for money on DJ equipment.

[Dick Toledo]

My parents were like, wait, Schwartz is Jewish?

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

I didn't know that.

[Eric Schwartz]

That's a well known fact.

[Dick Toledo]

I just found that out.

[Eric Schwartz]

Little known fact, we, we drink the Shabbos wine. The Schwartzes circumcised here also.

[Dick Toledo]

Congratulations.

[Eric Schwartz]

Double bald.

[Dick Toledo]

Whole room. I'm bald.

[Eric Schwartz]

Okay, good. Now I'm sure. Now I'm. Now I can accept you.

[Dick Toledo]

Now he's related. I feel accepted now.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah. So my parents are like, you gotta save it for college. I'm like, nah, mom and dad, I gotta rock parties. And so. And so I'm tired of the Beasties.

[Dick Toledo]

That's right.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah, yeah. So like that's so. It just kind of found its way into my comedy. You know, I gotta be myself. And that's like, that's just in me. I want people to have like the most fun they've ever had sitting down. So. So it's stand up at its core. But then I gotta, you know, I gotta rock em.

[Dick Toledo]

And you do the weird thing like. Cause you get like a double mic situation and it's like. I've seen you a couple times do the deal with the like you've got.

[Eric Schwartz]

A little machine, like live looper. Yeah, it's like a looper.

[Dick Toledo]

It's really like almost seamless before I realized what you were doing.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

It was really cool to see. Cause it is different, I'll tell you that.

[Eric Schwartz]

It's different.

[Unknown]

Cause did you start out vinyl?

[Eric Schwartz]

Started out vinyl, yeah. No kidding. Every time I would go, I would do like mobile DJ stuff. It was like moving a house. And now, you know, like now people could just like take their laptop.

[Dick Toledo]

IPhone.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Or a laptop. Yeah, you do. He does it for weddings still. Do you ever do weddings?

[Eric Schwartz]

I did, yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Nightmare.

[Eric Schwartz]

Oh, that was the. Oh, the first time I was so nervous because I didn't want to ruin somebody's day. And the first time I go, I like practiced it so many times. And then when the big announcement came, I choked, and I go. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever, please welcome Mr. And Mrs. Sanchez. Mr. And Mr. Sanchez is what I said.

[Dick Toledo]

A gay Mexican wedding. I've gone to that.

[Eric Schwartz]

It was the first one back then. Back then you were. Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

You're a pioneer.

[Unknown]

What was the reaction?

[Eric Schwartz]

I mean, they looked at me like. And I go, I mean, Mr. And then there was no. I couldn't.

[Dick Toledo]

There's no coming back.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah. But when I really got.

[Dick Toledo]

But the better part would have just looked and goes, it's Mr. And Mrs. That's a woman.

[Eric Schwartz]

I was too creative, like, as a dj, that's how I was. Like, I had to stop doing it because I wanted to be the center of attention. You know what I mean? And I'd be like, hey, like, mixing and scratching and, like, while you're just trying to sing along to your favorite song. Right. So I'll be like, ooh girl, I love you Ooh girl or. Or ooh, girl, ooh, girl, o. Just play the song. You know what I mean?

[Dick Toledo]

Play the goddamn song.

[Unknown]

Cameron Sinatra.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah. One time, this woman, she the bride, got mad because, like, all I did was, like, remix her song. You know, like, when she's just coming down the aisle.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, but she didn't ask for that.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah. I'm like, hey, this is hip hop.

[Dick Toledo]

You know what I mean? You're kind of bored with what she wanted to do.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah, I'm like, here comes the problem. All dressed and want. Somebody say, ho. Don't do that. Don't do that.

[Dick Toledo]

Well, I have to ask because there's no way. This isn't how it went down. A young Jewish boy goes and gets the DJ equipment, skips college only to disappoint his parents. So I have to ask, what kind of doctor was your father?

[Eric Schwartz]

He was a doctor of women's clothing.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, is that right? Oh, okay. So he's a haberdasher.

[Eric Schwartz]

He was a shmata salesman.

[Dick Toledo]

Is that right? And so he sold clothes. The lady had his own store and stuff.

[Eric Schwartz]

He's like an entrepreneur. He's a crafty guy. My dad Lester, Les for short, had a clothing business called Get More From Les. It was a clothing store on wheels. And he would bring it around to all the office buildings. This is before, like, a lot of the proliferation of discount stores within the suburbs. And so people would go. The ladies would come in and shop on their lunch break or whatever. And. And yeah, so he had a women's clothing business.

[Unknown]

It sounds like a tiny thing.

[Dick Toledo]

Felt a truck or something. 1930s.

[Eric Schwartz]

The 90s.

[Unknown]

In the 90s, there was a guy that would come around and sell ties.

[Dick Toledo]

Where?

[Unknown]

Come to our office.

[Dick Toledo]

Really?

[Unknown]

People would buy a lot of ties.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah. He started with men's clothing.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Eric Schwartz]

And then he realized that women buy more.

[Unknown]

I did it once.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah, you did it once.

[Dick Toledo]

See, but they buy mobile clothes.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yep.

[Dick Toledo]

I've never.

[Unknown]

I would have thought, well, they go around with them.

[Dick Toledo]

I would immediately remove that person from the. Yeah. Like this homeless guy's trying to sell me a bunch of used clothes. Well, I assume it's all stolen.

[Eric Schwartz]

No, I don't know. I don't know where my dad. My dad might be a criminal. I never thought about this.

[Dick Toledo]

Where did he get all these clothes? And why couldn't he get a brick and mortar store?

[Eric Schwartz]

Well, because it was the. Well, there was already brick and mortar stores, and he did have a brick and mortar store. And just like, the upkeep and the. And the rent was, like, so high.

[Dick Toledo]

It was easier to just move it around.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah. He would go to downtown LA and get, like, the. You know, he had.

[Unknown]

That was good stuff. I mean.

[Dick Toledo]

All right, you calm down. He's.

[Unknown]

You're just saying the Thai experience.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah, I might. He might still have connections if I. You want to be hooked? I mean, lest it might have been Lester.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. The store down here, Brady, still needing new ties.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

I gave them up years ago.

[Dick Toledo]

I won't eat at, like, food trucks because I don't trust any business that can drive away. Yeah.

[Eric Schwartz]

You know what? I think about that sometimes, and I'm like, this is a. This is a kitchen that can move around.

[Dick Toledo]

If ever a health inspector shows up and you can start the restaurant and run from him, but they're not eating.

[Eric Schwartz]

I think a lot of people, when they go, they go. It has to be dirty for me to like it.

[Dick Toledo]

Good Lord, no.

[Eric Schwartz]

That's a lot of people like.

[Dick Toledo]

No, I like my food to taste like bleach.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Clean, man. I just want it all to be clean.

[Unknown]

Your palate's mess, man.

[Dick Toledo]

I cannot. I can't think of, like, food trucks.

[Eric Schwartz]

Let's go get some tacos, man.

[Dick Toledo]

I'll eat tacos, but I'm going to a place where it's very clean.

[Eric Schwartz]

Okay.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Eric Schwartz]

Some bleach tacos.

[Dick Toledo]

Bleach tacos. That's. That's sounds good, right? Do not Google that here. You're going to be surprised at what you find. Eric Schwartz is at the Tempe Improv. You're a bald man. Very attractive, handsome bald man.

[Eric Schwartz]

Likewise, you guys.

[Dick Toledo]

Thank you. Thank you very much. I've. You know, one of the things that drew me to you initially, as I found out about Eric Schwartz, was, oh, I can get behind this guy. He's one of our survivors, you know.

[Eric Schwartz]

And this is what the. To any bald guy out there. I wanted to let you know, like, be proud of who you are because society wants to bring us down, and they say, you should be ashamed of your baldness. No, no, I am. I'm happy about it. I don't have a lack of hair. What I have is a surplus of face.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, I like that now. That backfired on me. When an insurance claim once did it because I had a lipoma I had to have removed from my head. And they. And because I don't have hair, they considered it plastic surgery for my face because I don't have a hairline. And so it didn't count as, like, a medical thing. So I said, where technically, then insurance company does my face end? And they said, where does your hair start? And I said, there's some at the top of my ass. So technically, my face goes from here all the way down my back to the small tuft that I have just above my ass crack.

[Eric Schwartz]

Wow. You're like, that's a personal question. Mine go to the toes, and there.

[Dick Toledo]

Is a chance that it could have gone to legs because there isn't a lot back. I had to feel. I'm like, that's enough to count. It's like an eyebrow.

[Eric Schwartz]

Wow.

[Dick Toledo]

Above. It's not even really there. Probably even lower. Now you have a huge face. Giant face. But I like that. That's a good thing. Now, how long have you been bald?

[Eric Schwartz]

I've been bald. I probably. I'd say since I was, like, about, like, early 30s.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. How bad was it prior to just going to the razor?

[Eric Schwartz]

Well, let me tell you guys something. Any. Any guy who's thinking, like, who's a little patchy, it was the best thing ever. It's marketing, right? Especially if you're trying to impress the ladies. They don't know. They can't if you're patchy. If you're thinning, they're like, they, hey, I can't figure it out. Are you bald? Are you not bald? What are you trying to say?

[Dick Toledo]

You're hiding something.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah. But then when you shave it and you go, I get your statement.

[Dick Toledo]

Yes.

[Eric Schwartz]

You know what I mean?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Eric Schwartz]

It's like a billboard.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. Your statement is comfort with self.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yes.

[Dick Toledo]

That you have to be. Now, would you want Hair. If you could. If you get magic pill happen, would you grow it back?

[Eric Schwartz]

You know what's crazy is sometimes I'll have dreams and I have hair.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Eric Schwartz]

And I'll wake up a little disappointed.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Eric Schwartz]

So I think in my heart of hearts, that's, like, buried in my dreams.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. Maybe you push it down.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah, I push it.

[Dick Toledo]

Yesterday when the wind was blowing, I was walking in my car and I looked at my shadow, and for some reason, I expected to see hair whipping in the wind.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

For half a second. So it lives in all us balds.

[Eric Schwartz]

Did you think. Did you think for a minute, like, how great, how grateful you were to not have hair in that moment and to not have it messed up?

[Dick Toledo]

I think about it all the time because it takes me a minute and a half to go anywhere.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

If you said right now. If he woke me from the couch and said, all right, let's go get dinner at a nice place. All I have to do is change my shirt.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah. No more bad hair.

[Dick Toledo]

No. I just leave. Which Brett can't do because he's got that beautiful mop on his head. And we're not talking to you right now.

[Unknown]

The curling iron.

[Dick Toledo]

So when you first shaved it, were you. Because you've got to. This is the thing also, though, when people go bald, you have to know that you don't have. You've got a very well rounded, non lumpy, goofy head.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah. You have the same.

[Dick Toledo]

We have nice. Yeah, we've got nice heads, you and.

[Eric Schwartz]

I. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

But. But if it was flat and had the big ditches and, like, weird stuff in it, you'd be upset. But when you shaved it, were you initially upset?

[Eric Schwartz]

It's. It's a little jarring because you feel like it's part of your identity. Right. That's. That's why it's like, we think, oh, no, that's not me. I'm not that. And you look at it, you're like, that's not me. But, like, it really is you. That's your true face. You know what I mean? And then people suggest alternatives, right? There's three alternatives. There's really three alternatives. There's drugs, rugs, and plugs. That's it.

[Dick Toledo]

That's true.

[Eric Schwartz]

And let's examine those drugs. Rogaine, Propecia. I'm living proof that stuff didn't work.

[Dick Toledo]

You tried it?

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah. No, because I had an audition for a Rogaine commercial and I didn't get it because they said I didn't have enough hair.

[Dick Toledo]

Well, that's not right.

[Eric Schwartz]

Like, that's your fault. That's your word. You called me. Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Eric Schwartz]

You called me in.

[Dick Toledo]

Were you fully bald at that point?

[Eric Schwartz]

No, I was, like, thinning.

[Dick Toledo]

And who. Your agent said I got the perfect guy.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, that's just wrong.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah. And I did. They're like, we like him, but he doesn't have enough hair.

[Dick Toledo]

So you. You did that before and after, and it wasn't enough to make a commercial.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Well, that's garbage. That is their fault.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Did you at least get some money for that?

[Eric Schwartz]

No, Nothing. I spent money on their product, and then I was like, you know, this is messing up my pillows. It stains your stings. Yeah. And it's bad for you.

[Dick Toledo]

It's not good.

[Eric Schwartz]

It smells. It kills your manhood. So what's the point?

[Dick Toledo]

Does.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah, it.

[Dick Toledo]

Wasn't it hard while you were using it?

[Eric Schwartz]

No, no, you. I mean, come on. It's me.

[Dick Toledo]

Well, I've just met you, so I assume. I assumed you didn't have Ed. But let's talk about. Wait a minute. It does.

[Eric Schwartz]

It's. It has a risk of being not for you.

[Dick Toledo]

I'm not.

[Eric Schwartz]

Not for me. I mean, like, it's like. It's like you're trying to stop a tsunami with it.

[Dick Toledo]

Right?

[Eric Schwartz]

With. With a. With a. With a.

[Dick Toledo]

A breaker. Yeah. I mean, you overcame. Pardon the pun, the entire situation.

[Eric Schwartz]

I think you hit the nail on the head right there.

[Dick Toledo]

So then you got the drugs, then the rugs.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah, rugs is like a wig, okay? Like, I've been Bald for over 10 years. I'm supposed to just show up tomorrow, have hair, like, hey, guys, look. Hey. Hey. Notice anything different about me? Everyone's gonna be like, yeah, you got a wig.

[Dick Toledo]

Holberg's morning sick. Holberg's morning sickness.

[Unknown]

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[Dick Toledo]

Morning sickness. But isn't that the same as artificial? Like fake boobs? Yeah, Women just show up with boobs and we're not supposed to say anything, but, yeah, that's a hair. They get pointed out.

[Eric Schwartz]

That's plugs. And nobody's. And everyone thinks it's sexy when a woman gets implants, but nobody's looking at a guy with hair plugs. Like, oh, shoot, dog. Yeah.

[Unknown]

I don't know those commercials.

[Eric Schwartz]

I want to put my face in those follicles.

[Dick Toledo]

Like motorboat the follicles. But nobody calls. You're like, yeah. Nobody calls it fake hair, though. They don't call it fake boobs. But nobody goes, oh, he's got fake hair.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

We like whisper that he had a procedure. Like it was, you know. But I don't know. I didn't know that about Mino. It makes your. It makes you softer. It makes a weaker man.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah. That one in Propecia, it had. You run the risk of that.

[Dick Toledo]

No kidding.

[Eric Schwartz]

And you're doing it to impress your mate.

[Dick Toledo]

Right. You're trying to be attractive and now you can't get wood. What's the point? Yeah, develop a personality.

[Eric Schwartz]

Exactly.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Eric Schwartz]

Like, be proud of who you are.

[Dick Toledo]

That's being a fat girl, for God's sake.

[Eric Schwartz]

Wow.

[Dick Toledo]

I mean, they're out there. Jesus, that disappointed me. I didn't know that. That's cruel. I mean, to build a thing that grows hair back because you're not confident enough to be bald, but it takes away your ability to be a.

[Unknown]

It's just a gateway drug.

[Eric Schwartz]

It's a catch 22.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, it's tough.

[Eric Schwartz]

What does it lead to a gateway drug?

[Unknown]

Viagra.

[Dick Toledo]

Viagra, yeah. That would have to.

[Eric Schwartz]

You know, they have a chewable one.

[Dick Toledo]

Now and they have a chewable one that's both hair growth and Viagra.

[Eric Schwartz]

That would be a cure all.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. I saw a commercial for it the other day. It's a minoxidil fenestral thing. That's Viagra and hair growth in a pill. I think it'[e-mail]. it's a real thing. And it looks like. Remember Certs?

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

The retin in it. It's got the little sparkles in there. Juice and hair cream all in one pill.

[Unknown]

And now weight loss.

[Dick Toledo]

So my neighbor. I have gay neighbors, and they always talk about things. They're gay, and the house is fantastic. Since they moved in, it's just property values through the moon. But they. They talk about things too much. And Michael was talking about having taken the. The pill to grow his hair because he's starting to lose his hair. And he said the only thing it's doing is growing more bush. His pubes are through the moon.

[Eric Schwartz]

Wow.

[Dick Toledo]

He can't control.

[Eric Schwartz]

Well, it didn't lie. It says growing hair.

[Dick Toledo]

Never said where.

[Unknown]

But I don't use an ortho down there.

[Eric Schwartz]

What I don't understand, though, is, like, if the chewable ones, if you're old enough to lose your hair, if you're old enough to not to have ed, you should be old enough to swallow a regular damn pill.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, right.

[Eric Schwartz]

Like what? Like, what is it? Like you need a flintstone vitamin.

[Unknown]

The cell on the chewable, they say it goes. It's quicker.

[Dick Toledo]

Man, that's quicker.

[Unknown]

Under the tongue.

[Dick Toledo]

You can swallow a pill. If you can't, nobody's dating.

[Unknown]

I'm saying they just got to break it down.

[Eric Schwartz]

They're saying instant, it becomes. Okay.

[Unknown]

Yeah, pretty close.

[Dick Toledo]

Eric Schwartz is at the Tempe improv tonight at 7:30 Park. If you want to go there, sell me the show. Eric, I don't know how to sell your show. Like, what would you call this?

[Eric Schwartz]

I call it. I call it multi comedia.

[Dick Toledo]

Okay.

[Eric Schwartz]

Oh, wow. Multimedia comedy. I do visuals.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Eric Schwartz]

I talk about fonts for all my nerds out there.

[Dick Toledo]

You have a font?

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah, I'm a font savant. What's your favorite font? I don't know that I could pick between my babies.

[Dick Toledo]

But you have a least favorite font, the neighbor font.

[Eric Schwartz]

Of course. What do you. Okay, I'm gonna poll the room here. What do you think is the top worst font that is always rated the worst font?

[Dick Toledo]

Wingdings.

[Eric Schwartz]

Wingdings. That's a good guess. Anybody else?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, I'll go with that. Yeah, Wingdings. I'll go with that.

[Eric Schwartz]

Well, okay, I'll tell you about wingdings is everyone has it and nobody uses it because we replace hieroglyphics a long time ago.

[Dick Toledo]

It's Egyptian wall art. I don't know what anybody would try. It's like, for. If you're writing a ransom note?

[Unknown]

Are they edible? I didn't even know.

[Dick Toledo]

No, no. You don't know wings and wings. No, he likes wings.

[Eric Schwartz]

I can see what your priorities are.

[Dick Toledo]

It's a coupon for wings.

[Eric Schwartz]

He's like, more wings, please. Ding. More wings. Ding.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. So what is the one that's always on top?

[Eric Schwartz]

Comic Sans.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, no kidding. That one's not terrible.

[Eric Schwartz]

It's the PT Cruiser of fonts to me. And I know there's people out there like, but I use Comic Sans, and I'm a PT Cruiser, and you better be a kindergarten teacher because, like, you can't use. My point is, don't use it to be taken seriously.

[Dick Toledo]

Right. Don't write a letter to tell me how to be better at my job.

[Eric Schwartz]

Right. In Comic San, like, people use it, like, for a letter, like, at work and stuff. Like, don't do that.

[Unknown]

Like, can you pull up the fonts?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, Brady. Brady's. He doesn't know them. Yeah. And you got to look him up at home. This is nerd talk. This is nerd font talk.

[Eric Schwartz]

Comic Sans. Like, okay, for example, you cannot take it seriously. Here's for example. Would you trust a condom with Comic Sans on the label? No. Good luck.

[Dick Toledo]

See you in nine months, because I know what it is.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

There are people. What the f is he talking about? But it's absolutely true. I would not buy. I wouldn't buy a product because it looks like it's like clip art.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Somebody made it at home.

[Eric Schwartz]

Like, what if the presidential symbol was Comic Sans? Nobody would take it seriously.

[Dick Toledo]

No, you're 100% right. Wow.

[Eric Schwartz]

Would you. Okay. If there was an airline with the Comic Sans logo on the side of the plane? Are you getting in that plane? No, you're not.

[Dick Toledo]

So that is so accurately odd. What a strange way to look at the world, because nobody ever thinks of the fonts.

[Unknown]

It's like.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

The way people dress for their profession.

[Eric Schwartz]

It's. Yeah, right, Exactly. It's like moods for letters, you know?

[Dick Toledo]

That's. What's your favorite one?

[Eric Schwartz]

I would say. Okay, the ones that I use a lot. And you guys. You guys can use this one that was very, like. You don't want to, like, go crazy on your font. Gotham is a really good one.

[Dick Toledo]

I like. Yeah. Gotham. See, there they are.

[Eric Schwartz]

Okay. Or you pulled it up.

[Dick Toledo]

Gotham is a cool one.

[Eric Schwartz]

Gotham's a good one. Bay bus. Nui.

[Dick Toledo]

What?

[Eric Schwartz]

Very good.

[Dick Toledo]

You see Brad's nodding. Brad.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah. I'm just like, yes, very common. Bay boss.

[Dick Toledo]

I don't know, be. Is that on there?

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah. Where is it? Oh, it's not in your.

[Dick Toledo]

It's not on your. Oh, you have the poor person one.

[Eric Schwartz]

Oh, this is just.

[Dick Toledo]

He's not paying for the fonts.

[Eric Schwartz]

Plus, I would say the most common one and like, I would say that a lot of fonts are based on is Helvetica. Helvetica is very versatile.

[Dick Toledo]

Were you locked in a room for a long, long time? When someone.

[Eric Schwartz]

Nobody ever tells you, hey, if you want to be a stand up comedian, learn Photoshop, learn how to design your flyers. But I had to do this out of, like. Out of, like, necessity, and I became a font savant. I became like, kind of like an amateur graphic designer.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. Like, because I've always liked the lucida handwriting one that looks sort of cursive Y.

[Eric Schwartz]

Okay.

[Dick Toledo]

That one, I think is good for signatures.

[Eric Schwartz]

That's okay.

[Dick Toledo]

But you don't write the whole thing that way. It's not serious. Do you enjoy the bold font, man?

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah. So don't go. Don't go crazy on your lucida. All right?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. Oh, no, no. Just a. Just a little bit of it.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Exactly. You got the right idea. Yeah, yeah, no, okay, like, just simple. Like, what can you, like, look at that page of all these fonts that you have on your screen?

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Eric Schwartz]

What do you like if you. Which one catches your eye first?

[Dick Toledo]

Which one grabs me?

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah, just like, close your eyes, open it. And which one do you see first?

[Dick Toledo]

Harold.

[Eric Schwartz]

Harold. Okay.

[Dick Toledo]

More of a newspaper one.

[Eric Schwartz]

Impact. Yeah, but that's. That impact's a good one, but it's too much. Overused.

[Dick Toledo]

Yep. It's too much.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

So graph. Only because it's bold.

[Dick Toledo]

How about that? I've never thought about it this much. This is usually what people like on the ID channel do. Like, you were locked in a closet for years with a computer and the only thing you had access to is fonts. So you just made just like what Anne Frank would have done if she had a computer.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

She'd have just played with fonts.

[Eric Schwartz]

Oh, my God, Am I wrong?

[Dick Toledo]

It gets quiet. It's quiet work.

[Eric Schwartz]

And her diary would have been way easier to transcribe. Just cut and paste it.

[Dick Toledo]

I didn't realize there was this many fonts out. Okay, let's get into that. What should Anne Frank have used as.

[Eric Schwartz]

A font as a Jewish person? This is a loaded question.

[Dick Toledo]

Well, you're the expert. I couldn't ask a non Jew. That's cultural appropriation, right?

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah. You've got the Right.

[Unknown]

Media poster.

[Dick Toledo]

You think it's good?

[Eric Schwartz]

That's too fun, I would say. Okay, what's gonna match her mood?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to find. A mood font for Anne Frank's diary.

[Eric Schwartz]

This is gonna be wrong and right at the same time. Here's keep. Keep scrolling down. Scroll up, scroll down. Okay, there's. Got it. There's more fonts out there, but, yeah, this. It would be funny if she used, like, Cooper's.

[Dick Toledo]

What's Cooper's? Fine, Cooper.

[Eric Schwartz]

Coopers is.

[Unknown]

There it is.

[Eric Schwartz]

It would just be. It would just be fun.

[Dick Toledo]

That's copper gloss. That's not Cooper's.

[Eric Schwartz]

It would just take all the depression out of it, though.

[Dick Toledo]

We don't have Coopers. Everything you mentioned, it's like.

[Eric Schwartz]

You know what it is? They're calling it Subway down here. Oh, they're calling it. It's the same font before Subway. Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, that's just good stuff. That's. No, that's too Kathy from newspaper.

[Eric Schwartz]

It's like 80s merch. It's like, hey, I'm in this attic.

[Dick Toledo]

It changes the whole tone.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Of Anne Frank's struggle.

[Eric Schwartz]

Like, imagine if Anne Frank's diary was in Comic Sans. You'd be like. You wouldn't feel bad.

[Dick Toledo]

She was having a good time up there.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. And her taste is relatively questionable.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah. But actually, at her age, she probably would be the. She probably would use.

[Dick Toledo]

Isn't that a fascinating thing, though, to think if you. If she had the opportunity then to write this in a certain font, what she would have chosen?

[Eric Schwartz]

She would have probably been like us. Like that one that P.T. barna.

[Unknown]

That's what I've seen.

[Eric Schwartz]

Like, if you're really going on the nose of, like, being serious, she would have been Times New Roman. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Like, she would have just taken it seriously. But because we're having fun today with Anne Frank.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, it's fun with Anne Frank. BBS show never really took off.

[Eric Schwartz]

Right. The PBS show that ever.

[Dick Toledo]

No, it never really took off.

[Eric Schwartz]

They tried.

[Dick Toledo]

They pitched it about eight times. They never found the right girl. Oh, it's just that. But the font would have changed at all. How about that? Fascinating to even focus.

[Unknown]

Well, how many books did. I mean, she had?

[Dick Toledo]

No, you're thinking of Helen Kelly.

[Eric Schwartz]

There's no sequel to the End Frank book. Dude.

[Dick Toledo]

Spoiler alert.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah, spoiler alert.

[Dick Toledo]

She didn't have a chance to follow up.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah, well, we don't know.

[Unknown]

We don't know.

[Eric Schwartz]

Maybe you should write that.

[Unknown]

I mean, There could have been no. We know a couple other ends.

[Dick Toledo]

Read the last three pages. You know what?

[Eric Schwartz]

The hidden chapters before the hidden chapters.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, the Easter eggs and Anne Frank's diary.

[Eric Schwartz]

They went back to the. You know, you can visit the Amsterdam Museum. And they found another stash of papers.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Eric Schwartz]

And under the floorboards, the Just kidding Files. Yeah. And it's her TikTok director's cut.

[Dick Toledo]

I've known him too long too. Well, that. The second he said that, I'm like, nope, you're thinking of the blind girl. You're thinking of the blind girl.

[Eric Schwartz]

The Anne Frank sequel.

[Dick Toledo]

Anne Frank too Electric Boogaloo. Search for Curly's Gold.

[Eric Schwartz]

The Search for Curly's Gold.

[Dick Toledo]

I mean, it makes sense.

[Eric Schwartz]

That's a great title. The Search for Curly's Gold.

[Dick Toledo]

I'm writing it. Anne Frank 2's happening.

[Eric Schwartz]

I am reporting to ChatGPT to help me.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, no, we're making it happen. I remember Ralphie May's old joke about that was said Anne Frank's new song.

[Eric Schwartz]

Shh. Oh, the Yin Yang Twins did that whisper song.

[Dick Toledo]

That's right. I was gonna have to do that. Well, wow, Eric, what a. What a moment this is.

[Eric Schwartz]

I haven't even done any songs yet.

[Dick Toledo]

I haven't done a thing. And we're out of time. So now I have to go to the show to see you.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah, no, you gotta go to the show.

[Dick Toledo]

It's a great show. Like you're. I haven't seen you live, but I've seen you enough on the Internet and stuff to go. This is fun. I kind of want to go to that. Unfortunately, I can't tonight. Cause you're only doing one night. But hey, well, you know what?

[Eric Schwartz]

If we do well, maybe they'll bring me back for more.

[Dick Toledo]

That's the key.

[Eric Schwartz]

You know what I mean? So make it happen.

[Dick Toledo]

So tonight, 7:30. You want tickets? 10p impromprov.com Eric Schwartz live dot com. You can check out all this stuff. You're great. I've liked this for a while. So when you. When they said you were coming, I'm like, oh, cool.

[Eric Schwartz]

I'm so thankful.

[Dick Toledo]

Eric Schwartz, Tempe Improv. Leave us with words of wisdom, Eric. Something to change. Wow.

[Eric Schwartz]

Pressure.

[Dick Toledo]

New Year's changes.

[Eric Schwartz]

Okay, here's what you're going to do. You're going to be proud of yourself. You can be happy with yourself. You're going to. If you're bald, be happy with yourself. If you're not bald, get bald.

[Dick Toledo]

Because you're not happy until.

[Eric Schwartz]

Yeah, you're not really happy with. You can really see your.

[Dick Toledo]

Depending on how you spell that. If you're not bald, get bald.

[Unknown]

Get bald.

[Dick Toledo]

Yes. Wow. Exactly.

[Eric Schwartz]

If you're not bald, get bald.

[Dick Toledo]

Kind of a beautiful.

[Eric Schwartz]

However you want.

[Dick Toledo]

That's right. That's Brady. You haven't read it. That's the last line of Anne Frank's book.

[Unknown]

Oh, my gosh.

[Dick Toledo]

That's a beautiful thing. Be the change.

[Eric Schwartz]

Be the change you want to see in the world. Like my doppelganger Gandhi said.

[Dick Toledo]

That's right. A little tan, but otherwise, yeah, perfect. Eric Schwartz, everybody. It's 98.

[Eric Schwartz]

It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually.

[Unknown]

No membership fee.

[Dick Toledo]

I have heard enough of Ego P. Day.