01-09-26 - CONDENSED SHORT SHOW - FRIDAY - Holmbergs Morning Sickness 98 KUPD

Summary

Podcast Summary: Holmberg's Morning Sickness – Condensed Short Show (01-09-26)

Podcast: Holmberg’s Morning Sickness 98KUPD
Hosts: John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Brett Vesely, Dick Toledo
Guests: Rick Glassman, Marlon Wayans
Date: January 9, 2026
Episode Type: Condensed, Comedy & Commentary
Timestamps reflect the MM:SS format.

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Overview

This episode of Holmberg’s Morning Sickness is a fast-paced mix of banter, irreverent humor, and social commentary. The crew, led by John Holmberg with regulars Brady, Brett, and guests Rick Glassman and Marlon Wayans, riff on recent emails from listeners, touch on Broadway musicals & masculinity, gay/straight labels, conspiracy theories, personal anecdotes, and the guests’ stand-up appearances in Phoenix. The entire episode is marked by a candid, playful, and edgy tone with frequent detours into outrageous personal stories and audience emails.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Listener Email Sparks Broadway & Masculinity Debate

(Starts at 01:10)

• A listener, Douglas, sends a homophobic email after John praises "Book of Mormon," equating Holmberg’s appreciation for musicals as “gay”.

• John and the crew dissect and mock the idea that enjoying Broadway is a threat to one’s masculinity.

• Jokes abound about musical theater, personal preferences, and homophobia.

  “The praise of a musical. Automatically gay to the point where the guy just can't possibly fathom it.” – John Holmberg (02:32)

• They swap stories about shows they've loved and critique the notion that liking something associated with gay culture makes you gay.

2. Exploring Boundaries: Is This Gay?

(Extended run from 14:28 on)

• The group debates a listener’s provocative question: If, during an oral encounter, you discover your partner isn’t what you thought, “does that make you gay?”

• The hosts go back and forth, considering hypothetical situations (“If you finish, is that gay?”).

• The conversation gets philosophical, looping in thoughts vs. actions, the reaction afterward, and pop-culture references like The Crying Game.

• The line is blurred, with much laughter, but the consensus becomes: Enjoying or seeking the experience again points to orientation, but accidents or one-off cases don’t necessarily define you.

  “It doesn't make you gay, though. It just makes the act gay. You do not go on now as a homosexual.” – John Holmberg (17:12)

  “If something can make you gay, guess what. You're gay.” – John Holmberg (04:32)

3. The World of Artistic Nudity & School Tales

(09:10–14:28)

• John shares bizarre and humorous school anecdotes about classmates drawing (and hiding) explicit cartoons of teachers and students—skilled enough to be considered “art.”

• They joke about “artistic license” and where the line falls between creative freedom and nerdy perversion.

  “It gave him license to draw naked people because every once in a while, he would draw something, you know, stunning.” – John Holmberg (10:53)

4. Conspiracy Theories: Crisis Actors & the Space Shuttle Challenger

(26:46–36:15)

• The hosts mock the idea of “crisis actors” and conspiracy theories (e.g., 9/11, Challenger astronauts living under new identities).

• Holmberg jokes about wanting in on the action if it means millions to “fake his death” and start over, riffing on the compensation and conditions he’d require.

  “If that's real, if that's a real thing that Alex Jones talks about all the time… I want in. Where do I sign up for this?” – John Holmberg (27:25)

5. Analog Life in 2026: Laughing at ‘Going Off-Grid’

(36:26–39:03)

• The group lampoons trends toward “living analog”—using paper calendars, alarm clocks, and board games.

• They joke about how little such measures last when digital is so convenient, poking fun at people trying to be “old school” for its own sake.

  “That's like saying, I'm gonna live a life without air conditioning. It's better. But don't, you know, don't overdo it and set it to 55 and pay an exorbitant bill.” – John Holmberg (37:11)

6. Grandma’s Plastic on Furniture: Squirting Theory

(39:03–43:01)

• Holmberg posits, semi-seriously, that plastic-covered furniture existed to save it from “squirting grandmothers,” launching the group into a hilariously inappropriate discussion blending sexual education with nostalgia.

• Guest Rick Glassman shares a story of learning about sex from books before actually kissing anyone.

  “I have a theory that plastic on the furniture was that generation's way of keeping the squirting grandmothers from ruining stuff.” – John Holmberg (39:03)

7. Rick Glassman’s First Kiss, Sexual Awkwardness, and Comedy Roots

(41:00–46:12)

• Rick details buying a book (by Kim Cattrall) about sex before his first kiss – both educational and unintentionally comedic.

• Holmberg and the group riff on late bloomers and the oddities of sex ed, leading to Rick promoting his shows and podcast.

  “It's important that not that you make a woman come but that you make her feel safe.” – Rick Glassman (45:37)

8. Marlon Wayans on Diddy Parties, Drugs, Sobriety & YouTube

(46:53–54:00)

• Marlon shares wild stories about never quite seeing the infamous “freak offs” at Diddy's parties—always just missing the action, and being accused of being a “snitch” threat.

• He speaks openly about experimenting with drugs during COVID for “method acting,” flavored cocaine, and stopping after losing friends to fentanyl.

• Marlon plugs his stand-up at Stand Up Live and a new YouTube project.

  “I never saw the freak offs. And that's why part of me is mad at Diddy.” – Marlon Wayans (47:36)

  “You guys are trying to kill black people. You were trying to get me hooked. I see. This is the white man trying to get the black population back on drugs.” – Marlon Wayans (50:50)

9. Interlude: Studio Mascots, Shots, Running Gags

(52:10–54:15)

• Running jokes about a colleague “Thriller” and comedic musical gags fill this segment as the group passes shots around.
• The energy is high, the stories kinetic, and the episode closes out with a toast and banter.

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Notable Quotes, Moments & Timestamps

• On Homophobic Listener Email:
  "You have no idea how much I used to love you until I discovered this morning you're nothing but a penis. Smoking, anal banging, rosebud, homosexual... I'll probably see you on Andy Cohen or on Bravo someday with your new show, Homo." – Douglas’s email, read by John Holmberg (01:28)

• On the Fluidity of “Gay Acts”:
  “It doesn't make you gay, though. It just makes the act gay. You do not go on now as a homosexual.” – John Holmberg (17:12)

• On Conspiracy Theories:
  “...I am begging whoever's in charge of that program to contact me. I will be your martyr and fake die on TV for the money and then the witness.” – John Holmberg (27:25)

• On Generational “Prepping”:
  [On plastic-covered furniture] “I have a theory that plastic on the furniture was that generation's way of keeping the squirting grandmothers from ruining stuff.” – John Holmberg (39:03)

• On Learning About Sex and Kissing:
  “I ended up buying a book to learn how to kiss. And the book was about squirting.” – Rick Glassman (40:45)

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Guest Promotions & Shoutouts

• Rick Glassman:
  Performing at Desert Ridge Improv, host of the "Take Your Shoes Off" podcast—upcoming episodes with Jack Black and Paul Rudd.
• Marlon Wayans:
  Shows at Stand Up Live, promoting his cigars at Fox Cigar, starting a new YouTube project.

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The Tone

The show features fast, unscripted, and edgy humor. No topic is off-limits: sex, drugs, conspiracy, or the absurdity of modern life. The friends roast each other, the news, and their own personal histories with equal delight.

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Anyone unfamiliar with “Holmberg’s Morning Sickness” would find this episode a crash course in boundary-pushing morning radio, Arizona-style: quick, brash, full of vivid stories, and daring comedy.

Transcript

[Brett Vesely]

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[Comedy Announcer]

Podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Get the new year started on the east side of the 10pm improv with Xiao Ying Summers and Sammy Obey performing their sets up north at the Desert Ridge Improv. You got Rick Glassman there all week for you. And downtown at Stand Up Live, it's the one and only Marlon Wayans. For the complete lineups and for tickets, go to standuplive.com desert ridge improv.com and tempyimprov.com.

[John Holmberg]

You'Ve been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. He's evil sitting right here. Come on. No, no, he's not.

[Rick Glassman]

He's not evil.

[John Holmberg]

He's just a bit rude. On the heels of this, me praising yesterday to no end to the Book of Mormon and telling you that it was going to be fantastic.

[Brett Vesely]

Great.

[John Holmberg]

All these people emailed and said, now I've never. I've wanted to see it, but now you're just pushing me over. I think we sold a bunch of tickets. You're welcome, Book of Mormon. If you're welcome, Ticketmaster and Stubhub and all the people who got secondary ones. There was one guy who sent me this. His name was Douglas. Then he says it's official. Holmberg, you eat dicks for breakfast? No, says going in and on. Or probably going on and on. Going on and on about a Broadway musical. This this morning. Wrote it yesterday is proof your fingers have explored the darkest spaces of a man's body. I absolutely know it. You wash poop off yourself pretty regularly. You have no idea how much I used to love you until I discovered this morning you're nothing but a penis. Smoking, anal banging, rosebud, homosexual wow. You should probably start taking puberty blockers now and transition completely into Cher or Liberace. I'm surprised I can even understand you with all those wieners you have in your mouth every morning. I'll probably see you on Andy Cohen or on Bravo someday with your new show, Homo. Signed Douglas. Yep, that's right.

[Brady]

Bring it in the new year.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. Oh, yeah. It could be kissing Anderson Cooper soon. That's right. The praise of a musical. Automatically gay to the point where the guy just can't possibly fathom it.

[Brady]

That was all from the musical.

[John Holmberg]

That was me. Well, yeah, that. Well, what else would it be? Brady, please. Well, how rude. Of course. He said, every day we talk, listen to the. Listen to the email, and focus on what's going on. Yeah, no, this is. He said that praising the Book of Mormon in any musical on Broadway makes you gay, which makes me think that guy's teetering on a very thin razor's edge of heterosexuality.

[Brett Vesely]

Look, I'm not a. I'm not a.

[John Holmberg]

Broadway play kind of guy at all.

[Brett Vesely]

I mean, even yesterday, I'm like, I'm kind of Twinkie. What's going on here? But it's hilarious.

[John Holmberg]

It's too good to.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, it's brilliant.

[John Holmberg]

And it's no different to me, except for the thing that's Twinkie. Theater are the actors. There's a lot of gay in it, right? A lot. Most of them, in fact. I don't know why Broadway is so gay. But it's gay. But when it's good. So what? Gay people are hilarious sometimes. And they come up. Yeah. And they're very flamboyant, which is what you want in a live stage performance. People who are really, you know, you need the gay.

[Brett Vesely]

Like the lead singer from Shinedown. I mean, he's real flamboyant when he's up there. No, I'm not saying that. But he's very flamboyant when he's up there.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Super Broadway.

[Brett Vesely]

I was telling somebody one time, I was like, he is gonna be on Broadway. Broadway. When The Shinedown thing.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

There's no two ways about it. Because he's very animated.

[John Holmberg]

This is like. Yeah, this is.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

If you can't hear a broad. If you can't hear a gay guy sing and not think, if I like this, this is gay, you better turn your radio off, because I got some surprises for you. Like, I like Elton John, but that doesn't make me want to blow people. It makes me want to sing, you know, little Genie and your song and stuff like that. But, my God, how. How crazy are you that you think that if you hear a song that's sung by somebody gay or done by something gay, that you too, are gay? And who knows?

[Brady]

People come out guilty, because I kind of enjoyed that.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I loved it.

[Brady]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

But how am I gay? Yeah. How insecure are you with yourself? If you have to wonder if you're. I better swallow some man juice, because that was pretty entertaining. You are. If something can make you gay, guess what. You're gay. That made me gay. I liked it. To know. Okay, well, if that made me gay, I've been pretty good at it. I'll. I'll keep going with that. I'm sorry. To Douglas, the guy.

[Brady]

It's a gateway activity, Joan.

[John Holmberg]

Is it?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Is it a gateway to gay? All right. You know what else I liked once? You're really gonna love this one. I went to go see M. Butterfly.

[Brett Vesely]

What's that?

[Brady]

Get that letter back.

[John Holmberg]

Spectacular. Yeah. Well, that. Because that's what makes you gay, is liking things gay people do. Because I don't think it makes you, like, bigoted or any. That was. It was unreal. It's a musical about. It's a love between a Vietnam soldier and a Vietnamese woman. And it's spectacular. And it was that damage. And I. Here's another thing. I cried a lot.

[Brett Vesely]

Douglas may be a little bit right. I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

I have emotions for humans, not gay. I didn't immediately go, God, I gotta blow that guy who likes that Asian lady. I didn't want to have sex.

[Brady]

You're crying because you knew what you had to do.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I was crying because I knew it was the death of my heterosexuality. I just loved the performance. It was a spectacular thing. Another thing brought me to the edge of my seat, nearly made me cry. And I've mentioned this several times. That goddamn river dance when Michael Flatley was doing it. Oh, my Lord. You've never seen anything like it. Big fan of Stomp, if you've ever been to Stomp.

[Brady]

Yep, I have.

[John Holmberg]

You're shorting yourself if you don't go to a, you know, a good play. I went and saw your boy Al Pacino on Broadway once with Diane Wiest and the dude who played Fredo. And they did. And Marisa Tomei got naked.

[Brett Vesely]

That is definitely not gay.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I was called Salame, and I didn't know what I was walking into. Everyone in there was gay except for me and Pacino, I think. And then every guy revealed Himself.

[Brady]

Okay, right.

[John Holmberg]

That wasn't very good. It was a reading. They do readings, Broadway readings, where they all sit on the stage. It was kind of strange, but it was, you know, that's some stuff.

[Brett Vesely]

No acting. It's just like voice acting, all acting.

[John Holmberg]

And then occasionally, if it even says in the program it's a reading, they have the scripts in their hands. I don't necessarily need them. And. And then in the. The Dance of the Seven Veils, it's said in the thing just depends on if the Muse strikes Ms. Tomei, whether or not she actually does the dance of seven veils. And if she does, there's potential nudity. And I'm like, oh, she went full out. Nice. Yeah. Marissa stripped that shirt off and danced and Salome. And for days.

[Brady]

It's the one where they said she might not.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah. It says just the muse. Yeah, I just said that the muse will strike her. And maybe she will. She will potentially be nude. And me, Al Pacino and my friend Colin. And at the time, my father in law who was, you know, he's a little twinkie sometimes. I don't know if he liked nudity from a women. He. He's one of those guys that did a lot of drawings and artistic stuff. And sometimes it was like, you know, men naked peepees and stuff. But that was art. Like, you know, the statues. Super gay. Yeah, but he would also draw women naked and then like, and then landscapes of hills and forests and stuff. And then every once in a while, just a weird kind of naked person. And it wasn't, you know, didn't that.

[Brady]

Continue in the family? Didn't the son do that too?

[John Holmberg]

They were very artistic. Yeah, they could draw like crazy. Yeah, they drew. Yeah, he drew a lot of. Of naked ladies, Asian ones. And then he would marry Asian ladies. And I'm like, you realize this isn't art so much as it is you just having a fetish for naked Asian women. And then he drew his girlfriend, who was Asian and had huge natural Asian cans. I mean, you don't see that too often. And I went to his apartment and it on his wall was a giant drawing of her nude. And I recognized it right away because she was Asian. It could have been her, I guess. And I, when I went in there and I looked, I was like, whoa. And he goes, yeah, that's Kim Chang Yee. I don't remember her name. It could have been Susan, but I just, I remember that. And I'm like, whoa. Like, did she pose for that? Or is that from memory. And he didn't laugh. Like, I'm making. Like, if I. Look. If you ever drew a picture of your wife naked on a wall, you're a pervert. Unless you consider yourself artistic. Or if you draw other stuff, you can get away with it. There was a kid in junior high named Haim Sanchez. That was. You remember Jaime went to Rhodes. Super artistic.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, I kind of vaguely do.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Yeah, Great stuff. And he would draw Mrs. Wilkinson, who was a relatively unattractive.

[Brett Vesely]

I don't know why he would do that.

[John Holmberg]

You remember her?

[Marlon Wayans]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And he would put her in sexual situations. It was fantastic. He also drew Rowena Larson, the agriculture teacher. And she had, like, some sort of.

[Brady]

Like a Vargas kind of. Or.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, no, no. These were almost Rockwellian. He was excellent. Like, he had colored pencils with him at all times. I guess you can't call those African American pencils with him all the time. And he. And he would use those. And you'd look. And while we're all taking notes, he'd turn around and go, I'm like, what? And he'd hold his notebook up, and he had drawn Mrs. Wilkinson with her legs wide open and, like, really detailed and excellent. And I'm like, jesus Christ, Hyman. I'd start laughing. He'd flip the page real fast and, like, write down a bunch of fake notes. And he was drawn, everybody. So then we had agriculture together. So the next one of the next times he did a naked lady. It was Mrs. Larson, except for.

[Brett Vesely]

Couldn't choose any better than that.

[John Holmberg]

She. She had a little bit of a shaky voice. I don't know if she had Parkinson's, but her head bobbed just a little. I think she did. She was younger, so I'm not sure, but she had a little bit of that Michael J. Fox thing going. And she was a little shaky. And he drew her as a goat with woman's breasts and a huge woman's vagina. And then gave me the. But because he was so good at it, it wasn't weird. Like, it was excellent art. Because every once in a while, Chaim would get all sorts of credit, like at school for. For drawing a landscape or doing something, you know, beautiful, and then that years.

[Brady]

Later, it's an option at many tattoo parlors.

[John Holmberg]

Sure, sure.

[Brady]

Take that on my cat.

[John Holmberg]

It gave him license to draw naked people because every once in a while, he would draw something, you know, stunning.

[Brett Vesely]

Bob Ross type thing.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. It was just like, jesus, I am. That's. You're so talented. And then turn the pages and there's Christy Greenway and Robin Monroe and Stacy North. And he's drawn them all nude and like at, in 8th, 7th, 8th grade. They were jerk worthy, you know, they were pretty good. But Mrs. Wilkinson, Mrs. Wilkinson was. And also he was very funny.

[Brett Vesely]

Cross between like a 70s hippie and somebody from Little House on the Prairie. Just that plain.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you remember her?

[Brett Vesely]

Oh yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Oh yeah, I have seen her animated nude. I'm sorry. And I died laughing. And I remember there was a kid in class who was a jock and he was dumb as a stuff and he thought Hyam was gay because he drew gay little artist crap and all that stuff because he didn't pay attention to the fact that Hyam was using his, his artistic abilities with stunning landscapes and beautiful structure drawings to get away with drawing naked people. Like my old brother in law did with his wife. Try that. I went. When I went to Toledo for the super bowl, we stayed in Toledo and it was in Detro and it was at Big Dick. Toledo's former. He produced a show for a guy named JR and we stayed at his condo that was empty and I've never seen anything like this before or since. But he had a hot girlfriend and he had photo albums on his coffee table that you go through. And it's all there in Hawaii. They're in. Oh, this is nice. The Grand Canyon. Oh, look at there, at the Empire State Building. Oh, there's her snooch, like up close.

[Brett Vesely]

In the photo album.

[John Holmberg]

In the photo album, like in their vacation pics. It's like if you went home to your parents, like that big secretary of that hutch that they used to keep all the family photos in, you're just going. And then all of a sudden there's your dad's dick. That's what he kept it on. And she's posing and you just, you, you'd flip through the page. Oh, there's like Thanksgiving 97. That's a door. There's. What was that her? It's her mom. They look alike. Turn the page. Oh, there's her snooch. It was like constant and she was hot. And then you go over by the wall when you first walk in and you realize these aren't just. They're close ups of her nipples and they're huge blown up photographs of her boobs, which were super. She. If I recall, this is 2005, when I went back to that super bowl. That was February 2006. She was one of the first people that had like the serious lip injection thing going on. You know, it was a little bit like, new at the time. Pretty great. So, anyway, this one says, let's make it happen, John. The next painting that needs to be up for auction or hangs at the H and H Ranch needs to be you and Brady Eiffel towering that teacher. Yeah, Mrs. Wilkinson.

[Brett Vesely]

Well, I'll call.

[John Holmberg]

Can you get a hold of him? I have to. Hyam. If you're out there, if anybody knows, I mean, there can't be two Higham Sanchez's. There's something. Something out. Hornberg's morning sickness [e-mail] you know, when.

[Comedy Announcer]

You'Re looking for your fix of comedy, here in the Valley, we have three amazing clubs that feature some of the best comedians in the world. Up on the north end of town, you can visit the beautiful Desert Ridge Improv. Downtown in Cityscape, you've got Stand Up Live and Eastside. Right there in the heart of asu, it's the legendary Tempe Improv. Plenty of entertainment for you and your guests, and you can even grab some food and drinks. So see why the Valley is a comedy destination and get your tickets by going to Desert Ridge improv.com standup live.com and Tempe improv.com Hol's Morning Sickness.

[John Holmberg]

This one says. So, John, since you and your junos are gay now, maybe you can solve an argument I'm having with my friends. If it has boobs, is it gay? Well, I have a friend named Anthony who would argue with this. If you're getting orally pleased and realize that it isn't, it's a he. She. If you finish, does that make you gay? Nothing makes you gay. That is an unfortunate blowjob. Right? If you went into it knowing this, not knowing or.

[Brady]

Or knowing.

[John Holmberg]

Well, if you figure it out in the middle, I think sometimes you just have to run to the finish line and then I'm going gay on that. I just die with that. What happened to just dying?

[Rick Glassman]

Finish that.

[John Holmberg]

No, it would be a tough one.

[Brett Vesely]

That's what I'm saying. That's gay.

[John Holmberg]

If you finish, you think you'd finish your gay.

[Rick Glassman]

All right.

[John Holmberg]

I think so. Brett's one vote for finishing gay. Brady, I think you're going to be the same. I don't know.

[Brett Vesely]

I mean, if you're in the middle of it and then all of a sudden. I also work on transmissions.

[John Holmberg]

What's he talking about? You know, the hell's he talking for sure on that? I mean, if I understand what he's saying.

[Brady]

Talking about. But you realize.

[John Holmberg]

Pipe down. When's the last time a woman said, I love floral arrangements? Like, don't tell me your hobbies.

[Brady]

What kind of cars do you have.

[Brett Vesely]

Spitting on it or something? You know?

[John Holmberg]

I mean, you just notice that maybe he needs a little lava soap for his hands. Like, those are filthy when you've been changing oil all day. Yes.

[Brady]

There you go.

[John Holmberg]

Fingernails are all dirty.

[Brett Vesely]

That's gay.

[John Holmberg]

That's gay. If you see dirty fingernails. And then even if it's a girl, that's.

[Brady]

Oh, yeah, the name tag on us. Someone on a shirt says Roger.

[John Holmberg]

Maybe this lady from.

[Brady]

Wait a minute.

[John Holmberg]

This lady from Jiffy Lube isn't a woman? Are you just a fat fella? What'd you say?

[Brady]

I couldn't believe it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

I didn't know right off the bat.

[John Holmberg]

I have a couple friends who found out after they finished and knew in the middle something's different. But it had transitions. And then one friend who got. Well, yeah, but we both have a couple friends who have done it.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And then found out one was impressed.

[Brett Vesely]

How big he was.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah. But it was asked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just. Typically feel like a king to me. That's just. That's. That's just gamesmanship on the other side. Ah, you got me. Nice job. I still. I got. I didn't realize.

[Brett Vesely]

I mean, if you didn't know until after you're done, then you didn't know, you know? Right. But if you found out during.

[John Holmberg]

Man, that's a tough question. That's a.

[Brett Vesely]

It's a clear tough.

[John Holmberg]

It doesn't make you gay, though. It just makes the act gay. You do not go on now as a homosexual. I don't know.

[Brett Vesely]

What if you liked it more?

[John Holmberg]

Well, then you're gay. Yeah, right.

[Marlon Wayans]

There you go.

[John Holmberg]

I feel like there was a clear difference between a man and a woman. And that was better.

[Brett Vesely]

Boy, Steve really gave me a good.

[John Holmberg]

If it makes you. Okay, here's what. Here's how if it makes you want to do. Do that again. Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

No, I think if you finish and in the middle and you know, I couldn't stay. I couldn't stay at attention.

[John Holmberg]

I'm not so sure I could either. But what if. Yeah.

[Brady]

And that was the last time.

[Brett Vesely]

That's just it. Yeah.

[Brady]

You never went back.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. We need Neil DeGrasse Tyson. But he's. He's. I don't think you're. Yeah, if.

[Brady]

What if you all sudden went through all the way and then that was it.

[Brett Vesely]

Well, if you.

[Brady]

Yeah, but if you found out midway through.

[John Holmberg]

But what if it was great, but.

[Brady]

You never went back?

[John Holmberg]

No, it's. But you think about it. What if you never physically went back, but sometimes on a lone pleasure, you think about it. That's gay. That's gay.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Gay thoughts.

[John Holmberg]

That's gay. Those are gay. That's why they call them that. It's interesting anyway. To finish or not to finish. It's wrote against or not to finish.

[Brady]

I disagree. Because if you think about football.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Are you a football player?

[John Holmberg]

Well, that's not. That's not even close to the same argument. Because yes, you can go out and play football. Not necessarily professionally, but I can go play football. It's Schrodinger's gay cat is what we're dealing with here. It's very hard. At what point are you gay? And it's. It's. You're both simultaneously gay and not gay. Oh, it's very difficult, man. Thanks. This is Douglas's fault for emailing in the first place. Things like that.

[Brett Vesely]

Here's a good point here.

[John Holmberg]

Coming up. Oh, boy, oh, boy. I gotta read these. Is it David Vasquez? He makes me nervous. It says doing it to yourself isn't gay. Doing it someone else is gay. Like doing a chick back door. That's not gay, but having it done to you is. Yeah. There's fine lines.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. That's one thing gay guys have over our wives is wives make it a lot tougher to go back there. Those dudes seem to be into it, and it would be a lot better if they had the same mentality about that. Is this a gay conversation? Are we get. Is this. Yeah. I think the rule is if you have to ask, is this gay? It's probably gay. Right? I would say. Interesting. Very difficult time to be alive.

[Brett Vesely]

I think if you're in a gay action and not trying to fight the guy off. It's gay.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Oh, the. The action is gay. Well, you are not.

[Brett Vesely]

I don't know if you're going along with it. You kind of.

[Brady]

Well, you didn't know until.

[John Holmberg]

Well, if you didn't know, that's something different. Like what Brett's saying. Like, if you do figure it out, then the act becomes very gay. But are. You are not gay unless you pursue it from there forward, it's all dependent on your reaction after the fact. You had a gay thing, but that doesn't make you a gay person. Right?

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah. I mean, like if somebody's down there and then you look at the name tag says Steve from New deal.

[Comedy Announcer]

You.

[Brett Vesely]

That's your fault, you know, you're out.

[John Holmberg]

First off, quit picking up salesmen from car lots. And if you do nice work.

[Brady]

And.

[John Holmberg]

If you still can't tell the difference between Steve the salesman and a woman.

[Brett Vesely]

Well, that's what this guy said.

[John Holmberg]

He didn't know.

[Brady]

Well, I didn't see the mustache right away.

[Brett Vesely]

Don't remember Bachelor party when.

[Rick Glassman]

Sure.

[Brett Vesely]

But, you know, it's Tim. I also work on BMW.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's kind of hot. He's in there scrubbing. Anyway. Interesting. Yeah, it's. It's a hard time to be alive.

[Brett Vesely]

Matthew says I was. I was under the impression that you were gay. Only gay if you enjoyed it.

[John Holmberg]

If you. Yeah, but if you enjoy it and you try to want more of it, then, yeah, if you have that Crying Game shower afterwards, that's a good movie. That's a movie that makes you realize, oh, boy, we're all just. And Toledo, I think he's gay because he keeps going back to Ladyboy town like he's waiting for an accident to happen. You know, if you keep walking elbows up through a china shop, you might get away with it three or four times, but eventually it's gonna get you. You're gonna knock something over. Same thing when you go back to Ladyboy Village that Toledo keeps traveling to and making more plans for two, three trips back there. Eventually it's gonna happen.

[Brett Vesely]

He's taking his son along, too.

[John Holmberg]

That's no good.

[Brett Vesely]

No, that's what I'm saying.

[John Holmberg]

We're also worried about it. I'm not. I think it's funny. But I'll tell you, the one time I. I had, in 1999, when I worked at the Zone, the. There was a local publication. I don't remember the name of it was, but I was on the COVID of it.

[Brady]

Echo.

[John Holmberg]

Echo. Echo magazine. I didn't know what it was. It was a gay magazine. I didn't know that. And I was fine with it. And I was like, hey. And there I am on the COVID I'm like, I didn't know I was going to be the COVID boy. And then gay people started to call the station a lot, going, hey, what's going on? We're so happy. Kind of that. And I'm like, I'm thrilled. It actually worked. We got a lot of people from it. So one of the listeners. One of the listeners said, hey, I want to, like. Because I'm like, I'm not gay. I didn't know this was a gay magazine, but back then, I was Like I cared more. Like, what the. Like, I didn't know. And the guy interviewed me, he's like, so what do you think of this? I'm like, I don't care why you asked me all these gay questions. What the hell kind of interview is this? And then they put him like, oh, I see, I'm an advocate. So I was fine with it. And then a guy said, I'm going to take you to a drag show because you've never been. You're going to have the time of your Life. And in 99, it wasn't the same. It was, you know, like, these things are parties for women today. Like, you go up to Copper Blues, Desert Ridge has drag shows, and they do it downtown, too. They have them like every Sunday and it's just chock full of broads. They love it. There's women everywhere. They're having, like bachelorette parties and it's all women. And a couple of gays are in the back, are like, yeah, this is awesome.

[Brett Vesely]

It's like back at the 80s and they go to the Chippendale show now. They go to these.

[John Holmberg]

They go to these mail reviews. And the shows are pretty exciting, loud, they're weird, but I don't get that, like lip sync and other people's stuff and these crazy outfits. But it's all women. Back then when this guy said, let's go, it was all gay guys. It was like this super gay. And it was in an old Taco Bell on Central. And they just, you know, you remember, I mean, it was a converted. It was clearly an old Taco Bell. There's like, you know, the way pizza.

[Brady]

Had the bell front.

[Brett Vesely]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

The ones that are Pizza Pizza Huts, and they're still Pizza Huts. And you can tell they're Pizza Huts, but they're like an Asian garden. Now, this was a Taco Bell and it had no sign or anything else. And they just rented it out and they blacked out the windows. And you go in there and this little Asian one came up and kissed me on the head and left the lipstick prints and stuff. And I gotta be honest with you, if I'd have run into that anywhere but there, I would have been like, she liked me. They told. They told all the performers I was straight. And man, oh, man, did they put on a show. And a couple of the big fat ones, I was like, all right, get your grubby paws off me. And then. But it was 90s. It was okay to say it then and then. But then the, the little Asian one came over Maybe five, three, doing a share song, and then broke into a Sammy Davis Jr. Which I really thought was neat. It was pretty darn good too, but real cans. It was. It was a confusing moment.

[Brett Vesely]

Did you start having appearances at BS west when you're at the.

[John Holmberg]

No, I want to know. I wanted. I wanted to go back to that Taco Bell, though, see if that little fella was in there. Yeah, it's very. It was very strange, but back in the 90s, those things were. That was a super gay thing to do. Now it's women. Now it's a place to pick up chicks. You go on Sunday at like, 11:30 in the morning, and Saturday sometimes, too. They pack that place. Women go crazy for these drag shows. And I talked to the owner of the clubs, and they're like, man, that is a money machine. Like, they drink, they are there. They're there every week. The same ones.

[Brett Vesely]

It's.

[John Holmberg]

It's nuts.

[Brady]

Got to get a reservation a lot of times.

[John Holmberg]

Sometimes, yeah, but a lot of times it's big enough that they don't have to worry about. Like, you can just wander up, and it fills up pretty good. It's crazy. Yeah. Think of it this way. If a gay dude was with a guy and found out she was actually. It was actually a girl, does that make him straight? Interesting twist there, Justin.

[Brady]

Right away would say no.

[John Holmberg]

Right? So it doesn't make you gay if you're on your side. Yeah. All right, so pound away on those things. Doesn't make you gay at all. Not even a little bit. Get something, something. Check out homework's Morning Sickness [e-mail] hey.

[Brett Vesely]

It'S Brett Vesely, and I'm here with Byron from MMP Guns. Look, Byron, I have a friend wanting to sell some guns he inherited. What's the best way for him to do that?

[Brady]

Brett, the last thing you want to do is sell the someone who can't legally own one.

[John Holmberg]

Tell him not to put himself at risk, and come into M and P.

[Brady]

Guns where he'll get a fair offer.

[John Holmberg]

And he can rest easy knowing it's.

[Brady]

Not getting into the wrong hands.

[Brett Vesely]

Okay, but what if he lives out of state?

[John Holmberg]

Easy.

[Brady]

Legalgunbuyer.com and he can do it all online.

[John Holmberg]

It's really that simple.

[Brett Vesely]

There you have it. MMP Guns or legalgunbuyer.com the safe and legal way to sell your firearms.

[John Holmberg]

And then there's people who are emailing in the. I didn't say so I was going to talk about it. Here I go. They're the. The conspiracy theories that it's all drummed up and fake and that, you know, there's going to be the Alex Jones. You know, they made this up so they could cover up all the things that they're doing in Minnesota with the Somalians. And they wanted you to have some sort of a martyr for that. She's a false actor. And then you get that going, and they set this all up and made it look like somebody, and then they give. I am begging if that's true. I am begging whoever's in charge of that program to contact me. I will be your martyr and fake die on TV for the money and then the witness. If that's real, if that's a real thing that Alex Jones talks about all the time. It's not even really dead. Dave Nash always talking about how all Those planes in 911 were empty and they paid off all the people that they said were dead to have new lives somewhere else. I want in. Where do I sign up for this? This sounds. I can get millions of dollars to abandon me and say, oh, you will give you a new identity and a new life somewhere else. Like, there's that whole thing about the space shuttle Challenger where they've all found every one of the astronauts on it.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And they side by side them, and they've all got the same name. And it's like. It's undeniably odd, but I don't know how real it is. But I'm like, okay, where's my offer? Where's my father Dale moment here? Brett? Father Dale avoided me the whole time. Where's the thing that says, hey, we're a big. We're high. We're Conspiracy Inc. And we'd like you to pretend to be dead in a terrible situation socially, and we'll give you new identity and fly you off to Portugal and stuff like, okay, this. This fantastic.

[Brady]

If it ends up being true, then the celebrity dead island, the island of dead celebrities, is real.

[John Holmberg]

Right. And if. Well, maybe, yeah. If we got a bunch of Elvis and Tupac and they want to. Why they do it, I don't know. Things seem to be going well for them. But for me, if Conspiracy Inc. Knocked on my door and said, we need you to pretend to get shot by an ice agent and it's gonna cause this massive fear, but it's a political stunt to be a false flag, I'm like, yep, I'm in. Go. Go on. No more. How much do I get? Are you gonna get a few million dollars? Can I bring her with me? No, just you. I'm like, she's gonna make a great widow. This is gonna be okay. The conspiracy theorists that think that, yeah, that think all this stuff is fake makes some sense. But I want in if it is real.

[Brett Vesely]

That's pretty uncanny.

[John Holmberg]

There's a few of these Challenger astronauts that they've gone out and found the older versions of them. And it gets a little weird. It gets a little bit weird. They almost all have the same name. They're doing the same jobs that would have been done by these engineers and these astronauts after the fact. I don't necessarily believe that the Challenger was an empty vessel that they blew up. But when you go out and you know there's an Asian dude and a black dude, what's the joke? When they're not walking to a box, they walk into the space shuttle Challenger. But I want in on this. I'm taking a different route than whether or not it is. If it's real, I'm your huckleberry. Where is it? Would you do it?

[Brady]

So in general, just looking at that, when Brett put up those pictures of the Challenger astronauts and before, if you, if you went to AI and say, give me an older version of this person, I mean, to create this whole thing.

[John Holmberg]

All right, it's a lot.

[Brady]

It'd be easy. I wouldn't be.

[John Holmberg]

But it's been. It's been going on way before AI.

[Brady]

I know, and there's more to it, but.

[John Holmberg]

And who knows? But all I'm saying is if that does exist, someone out there knows it. Get him in touch with me. I'm all in.

[Brady]

And it comes back to why to shut down the space program. You know, what was the reason someone else wanted the content?

[Rick Glassman]

Money.

[John Holmberg]

Protection.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

You know, it's never a hit. It's always to false flag us, to pay attention to something while other things go on. And then we're all focused in on the space shuttle Challenger and oh my God, the space program is that blah, blah, blah, and then something weird is happening somewhere else. This guy says, john, the reason you've never been contacted as a part of a conspiracy is because you're a loudmouth little. Do you know, Brett's already involved several conspiracies. That dude knows how to zip it for the right price. Consider it zipped.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, I don't know about that.

[John Holmberg]

Nowadays you wouldn't do it.

[Brett Vesely]

They would just kill you. Now, I don't know, the two too much cameras out there, and then the.

[John Holmberg]

Family can sue and stuff like that, you know what I mean? And they're going to give that money out and everything else, but they want, like, if. If the conspiracy theorists are right, you know, and this was all fake and these people agreed to die, and, you know, the 911 planes were empty, and these people.

[Brady]

You're going to dupe your entire families. As long as you're good with that, okay? Create the drama there.

[John Holmberg]

Start over. You get a new name. I'm. I'm now Thomas James, but I don't have the band, and I live where. Yeah, I'd have to make it worth my while. I'd sit down, I'd negotiate, like, look, I'm not gonna live in Baltimore or anywhere near it. I still get to be a Steelers fan. My new name. I have to live somewhere great, and I need some land. I like space. I don't want to be in a condo somewhere in, like, Manhattan beach, you know, fighting the hordes and going to work every day. You're gonna make this easy for me.

[Brady]

A couple of those guys are like, so it gets me out of my marriage and.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Brady]

You're clear to that.

[John Holmberg]

You kidding me?

[Brady]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

I mean, can I get to take Bus and Jack Ham with me? I love my other dogs, too, but those two are.

[Brady]

What about the dogs?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah, I love them. I love them very much. They're in good hands. I know they're in good hands, but that would be a tough one. We'll get you a new bus and Jack Ham. Like, I don't know if you can replace them. And I love Yards and Gordon and Frankie, but they're in good hands. I just know that the scoop up of Bus and Jackhammer when I go on my new life, my. Who do you know, Brett, in this witness relocation, I want in. I want to be witness, and then I want to be relocated. And by the way, it would be great for the station. It would be great. John Holberg murdered in some political thing, but it's fake. I don't want to be. I don't really be a martyr. Don't get me wrong here. Don't. Don't take my words for the. For reality. I don't want to really be martyred. I want to be the one of them pretend ones that conspiracy theorists think happen. If this guy said, I told you the cards in the mail, you'll get your QR code to sign up for which kind of conspiracy you're up to be a part of, would you do it? Brett helps us hide the bodies all the time. Signed, Greg. Yeah, I would And Brett, if I found out, if I showed up at one of the meetings and you're like, hey, what's up? I'm like, you son of a bitch. How long has this been going on? You didn't trust me. I would absolutely get it. So you wouldn't do it. You'd stay. You wouldn't be the martyr. You're a fake martyr. And then live a life?

[Brady]

Yeah, I don't think so.

[John Holmberg]

How much? 20. 20 million.

[Brady]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. See? See, Every man's got a price. You would do it? I.

[Brady]

You know, I just wondered. Probably not what you think. You're like, oh, I'm going to be in this great place.

[John Holmberg]

Negotiation, Brady. It's negotiate. Hey, tell me right now that New Jersey or Scottsdale, they put you in better places. The mob was great. They put you in. They didn't move you over to, like, Hoboken. They got you to a new spot. The government basically said, if you help us out here, you're going to Scottsdale, you're going to go to Vegas, you're going to be a nice. You're leaving, but you're not living, or you're going to go to a better place. If you end up in Toledo, I'm like, no, I won't do this for you. And then you got to give me money to shut up.

[Brady]

Low profile place.

[John Holmberg]

Because once you're in that thing, if you say no, then they're just going to kill you. This guy says, you dummy. Everyone will see you on the kiss Cam at a Steelers super bowl party. Well, at least the Steelers are in the super bowl party. That's worth dying for, too.

[Brett Vesely]

He'll never make it in. Heidi with that shiny head. Juno's all right.

[John Holmberg]

All us balds look alike, for God's sakes. How many times do you people. Shiny head and Juno's send over.

[Brady]

You're gonna end up in Boca.

[John Holmberg]

Look, every time there's a mug shot of a bald guy, it gets sent to me going, hey, Holmberg, I saw you on the news last night.

[Brett Vesely]

How many Brady's do we get exactly Weekly?

[John Holmberg]

Brady'd be a great one. I got my buddy Jim Manley said, I'm on a plane. I'm sitting next to a Brady. Said, I remember you saying on the air that there are tons of these. And I said, what barbecue festival are you flying to? And he started laughing. He goes, nashville. I'm like, yeah, you're going to barbecue? Yeah. If it is a conspiracy, and don't get me started, conspiracy people, because I know what's coming. The Mossad, Israel, all this stuff. The Bilderberg Group, the Rockefellers. I've seen it all. I've read it all. It's a lot. If it is a conspiracy, all I'm saying is I want in. I don't want to be Alex Jones. I don't want to reveal it. I want in on it. If that's the way the world's been working, where's my offer? Because I'm your guy. You're a loud mouth. I don't have to be.

[Brady]

Oh, when something comes up, we'll let you know.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, put me on a list. It's kind of like on Waymo. I'm on the do you want to drive on the freeway list.

[Brady]

You find out like it's a ten year waiting list.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it's real. It's real. Oh, man. Then I'd have a problem keeping it quiet. Like five more years till what? You shut up. You. You'll figure it out. You're not gonna be around if I say goodbye to you a little too much. I think John's gonna kill himself. Like.

[Marlon Wayans]

No.

[John Holmberg]

And then the next thing. That would be the problem. But I martyr me for catch and.

[Brady]

Going on a lot of protests. Yes.

[John Holmberg]

If the conspiracy theorists are right, I want in. Not on uncovering, on continuing the conspiracy. I want to help it. It's something. Something. Check out H's Morning Sickness [e-mail] Holg's Morning Sickness.

[Brady]

Two thousand people were asked to name the top ways they're trying to live a more analog life in 2026.

[John Holmberg]

Dumb.

[Brady]

Couple were using an actual notebook for notes.

[John Holmberg]

Dumb.

[Brady]

Reading books. Not E reading.

[John Holmberg]

Dumb.

[Brady]

Using a paper calendar.

[John Holmberg]

Dumb. We've tried that for three years in a row, and by June, it just sits on June.

[Brady]

It still says January.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's.

[Brett Vesely]

Larry's the only one who sticks with it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, he still uses the paper, but the analog thing. And he does. He takes notes with his hands during meetings. His handwriting's still strong. And I get tired. If I write two sentences, my hand starts to, like, fall off. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with, like, doing your phone less. But don't give up all the creature. That's like saying, I'm gonna live a life without air conditioning. It's better. But don't, you know, don't overdo it and set it to 55. And pay an exorbitant bill playing physical.

[Brady]

Games like board games and puzzles instead of video games.

[John Holmberg]

No, you put those. They make those board games for your tv. Then there's no setup or cleanup, and everybody's got their own controller.

[Brady]

It's just smarter using an alarm clock. Not just the one on your phone.

[Brett Vesely]

Nope.

[John Holmberg]

Things are pointless.

[Brady]

Wearing a watch. Not a smart watch like a regular. A dumb one.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, that's a fashion thing.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I agree.

[Brady]

Yeah, that's what the comments said. Not me.

[John Holmberg]

That's you. Why do you do that? Why do you do that? No one knows where you got it. That's what you said. I didn't write that.

[Brady]

Yeah, it worked.

[John Holmberg]

You know, not sort of. I guess what worked was that you said it was someone else.

[Brady]

The other list. Right.

[John Holmberg]

See? I told you wrong. Yeah, go ahead. You screwed him up. What happened? You just threw that story away.

[Brady]

Japanese insecticide company holds a memorial ceremony for bugs killed by product. I was in another list. I knew it would bore Brett.

[John Holmberg]

Here we go with Crotchety Friday.

[Brady]

Brady, you could edit this before we do the segment. Maybe I did. Okay, gotcha.

[John Holmberg]

Well, he's not wrong.

[Brady]

Thanks for showing it.

[John Holmberg]

God bless you. I will tell you one wrong to throw this out. Hobbies that seem to attract kind people. If ever you have crochet and pottery on a list, Brady, you should edit that out. Bird watching, beekeeping, hiking, woodworking board gaming, gardening, bonsai. There's nothing good in this at all. That was a good one to skip, but you made us curious.

[Brady]

Thanks for covering.

[John Holmberg]

Well, yeah, but you started to read it. You started to read it. You started the story like. Well, that's where the curiosity came from. There's something. Something. Check out Homework's morning sickness [e-mail] Holmberg's Morning Sickness. I have a theory that plastic on the furniture was that generation's way of keeping the squirting grandmothers from ruining stuff. Because that seems to have.

[Rick Glassman]

I just want to make sure that's not a band.

[John Holmberg]

It's not a band.

[Rick Glassman]

You're talking about when. When grandmas have orgasms. Yes.

[John Holmberg]

Yes.

[Rick Glassman]

Then they squirt.

[John Holmberg]

Yes.

[Rick Glassman]

And you think that they were.

[John Holmberg]

I think they were doing that back in the day. And then the furniture got ruined. And it was harder to get furniture back then, so they blamed it on the grandkids, but it was always there, whether grandkids were around or not.

[Rick Glassman]

All right, couple questions.

[John Holmberg]

And I think squirting showed up because, like, we didn't know about that, like, 18 years ago.

[Rick Glassman]

You didn't know about squirting 18 years ago. Why was. Oh, just talk about my grandma's squirting.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but you said the bad One.

[Rick Glassman]

Sorry.

[John Holmberg]

I was being scientific.

[Rick Glassman]

I do apologize.

[John Holmberg]

That's okay.

[Rick Glassman]

I have a question for you.

[John Holmberg]

Yes?

[Rick Glassman]

Why was it so hard to get furniture back then? It just was. Is that a real thing?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

It took a while to make.

[John Holmberg]

Now it's. Well, you have to admit, all things easier now as far as, like, if you wreck a couch, you can get a new couch faster. Or you can just call Wayfair. We'll have a couch to your house in a couple of days.

[Brett Vesely]

You know what I mean?

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah, I guess. I've never bought a couch.

[John Holmberg]

Back then there was like the family couch. They didn't replace them.

[Brady]

Ever. Oh, yeah, you'd pass furniture.

[John Holmberg]

The horrible old couches lasted forever. So I haven't.

[Brady]

Maybe that's why they put the plastic on there too.

[John Holmberg]

So you knew about the, The. That particular act in a woman's life years and years ago.

[Rick Glassman]

I actually talk about it in my. In. In my set. That I didn't have my first kiss until I almost graduated from high school. And I ended up buying a book to learn how to kiss. And the book was about squirting.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Rick Glassman]

I mean, kissing her.

[John Holmberg]

Wrong.

[Rick Glassman]

Orgasms.

[John Holmberg]

No kidding.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah. I learned about you.

[John Holmberg]

The book.

[Rick Glassman]

I bought it.

[John Holmberg]

You went on your own and got.

[Rick Glassman]

I was too embarrassed to ask anybody how to because I. Everybody's been kissing already. So I bought this book from. I bought a few books. The first one was from Kim Cattrall. And it was all about just like the clitoris. And from Sex in the City, I learned that only. Only 14% of women can orgasm penetratively before I ever kissed a woman.

[John Holmberg]

Well, I think we all learned that after the. Well, before you kissed it. Yeah. That's pretty good.

[Rick Glassman]

So I learned this stuff pretty early.

[John Holmberg]

You went in, you were coming in hot with a lot of knowledge. Yeah, a lot of knowledge with what you brought to the party. And did the book help you.

[Rick Glassman]

You.

[John Holmberg]

Know, every time you kiss me.

[Brady]

A 14.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. He had plastic down. Yeah, that is. It's a. It's a weird thing. And Kim Cattrall was the one you leaned on most.

[Rick Glassman]

Well, that was the first book. I, I. The. The. The COVID was a pair of red lips.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Rick Glassman]

Face lips.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Rick Glassman]

And I'm like, oh, this. This must teach me how to kiss. Oh, and I. I learned how to Dougie before that.

[John Holmberg]

Nice.

[Rick Glassman]

You could keep that in. But, you know, if we. If we repost this. Yeah, take that one out.

[John Holmberg]

The. How old were you when you first kissed?

[Rick Glassman]

Was. It was April, three months before I turned 18.

[John Holmberg]

No kidding. Okay, that's pretty good. I think it was around. Well, I had some awkward moments, but, like, a real good one was probably about 16 or 7.

[Rick Glassman]

How old were you when you first had sex? Work.

[Brett Vesely]

Well, geez.

[John Holmberg]

What's that? I still think it's fake. I think it's on tv. On tv? Well, my grandma seemed to enjoy the Cubs game. He's a prepper. He's a prepper.

[Brady]

He's got him. And just in case it happens. But it has yet.

[Marlon Wayans]

I don't.

[Rick Glassman]

What do you think prepper means?

[John Holmberg]

Different definitions.

[Brady]

Putting the plastic on the couch.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that is prepper.

[Brady]

One day.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that might happen.

[Rick Glassman]

People usually, they prep for, like, you know, an earthquake.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. But if you're prepping for squirting. Yeah, that's a lot of.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah, a lot of preparation.

[John Holmberg]

Doesn't seem worth it. Yeah, no, that's not something that I've experienced in person.

[Rick Glassman]

Are we gonna owe money for that swear word?

[John Holmberg]

No, no, you're good. I got it. I hit a button. You're clear. Just stop it. That's right.

[Brady]

Don't do it again.

[John Holmberg]

We do it. We run into this problem quite often. What should we know about Rick Glassman that we don't? We've learned a lot. We've learned an awful lot.

[Rick Glassman]

I think.

[John Holmberg]

Was the girl you kissed the first time also the one that took your flower?

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah. We are each other's first everything. Is that right? But I really don't want to be talking about other. Other. Other women. Want them in Phoenix, because just in the off chance that my. My most recent ex girlfriend's parents who live here are listening, I just want you guys to know that was a long time ago. And I still think about your daughter.

[John Holmberg]

Do you still think about her?

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Is that true? Yeah. Do you want her back? Because we'll call him. Oh, I was.

[Rick Glassman]

I was hoping.

[John Holmberg]

You want to call real quick?

[Rick Glassman]

Don't swear and don't talk about them squirting.

[Brett Vesely]

Okay.

[Rick Glassman]

Can we call my ex's parents to tell them I still think about her? You know, I don't have to be a prepper to say, no, thank you.

[John Holmberg]

Do you still want her back at all or no, you're done.

[Rick Glassman]

To be candid with you, I know I offered this and this. This conversation up, and that's the most. The most I'm going to talk about. Because it was a real thought in.

[John Holmberg]

My head on my way over.

[Rick Glassman]

I'm like, there's no way that I think they're awake. I'm probably. Maybe I actually I know. They're awake.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Rick Glassman]

I was looking through the window on.

[John Holmberg]

The way over here, but.

[Brett Vesely]

Right.

[Brady]

They're awake.

[John Holmberg]

Is that where they're hiding her?

[Rick Glassman]

No.

[Brett Vesely]

She doesn't.

[Rick Glassman]

She doesn't live in Phoenix.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. That's what she told you?

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah. She wouldn't lie to me.

[John Holmberg]

She cares about you.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

She loves you. She's going to tell you where she is at all times.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. There's no. What's your dog's name?

[Rick Glassman]

Alvin.

[John Holmberg]

Alvin. Alvin's adorable. Chihuahua. Mix of something.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah. His. His mom is a chihuahua and his dad is Jewish.

[Brady]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

Is that okay here? Is that okay here? You have to leave. Yeah. We will not use those words. Ice is going to take half of them and the rest is going back to the Mossad.

[Rick Glassman]

I don't know, man. These are jokes that are on your terms, not mine. These are your jokes.

[John Holmberg]

You're the one bringing that devil dog in here. He's a little boy. How old is that?

[Brady]

He's cute.

[John Holmberg]

That's a cute dog.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah. And he wanted me to let you guys know I am at Desert Improv tonight, Saturday and Sunday and the buy ticket soon because I think we have only a thousand tickets left.

[John Holmberg]

Is that right?

[Rick Glassman]

I think I've over the 900.

[John Holmberg]

Over.

[Rick Glassman]

Under. I put it at 950 tickets left.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. Well, we got it. They'll go fast and then that's it. We're not adding.

[Rick Glassman]

I learned from Kim Cattrall you don't always have to go fast.

[John Holmberg]

That's for sure.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

What was the best piece of advice the book gave you?

[Brady]

You.

[Rick Glassman]

To be honest. It's hard to remember what I learned from that and just from my experience of just being connected and strong communication. Do you hear that? My ex parents. But I being present. And it's important that not that you make a woman come but that you make her feel safe.

[John Holmberg]

That was nice. Kim taught you that. All the way from Sex in the City.

[Rick Glassman]

That's Rick Glassman take your shoes off podcast. We'll be right back with Marlon Waynes related to Major Pain.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. Are you. And you're friends with his nephew, right?

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah. He's been on my part a few times. I love Damon.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And what are you doing with your podcast? Just the comedians running around doing crazy stuff together. Yeah.

[Rick Glassman]

We say justice. Little condescending.

[John Holmberg]

It was. I was being.

[Rick Glassman]

But yeah. I actually would love to promote this week. I have Jack Black and Paul Rudd on. I'm really excited about this.

[John Holmberg]

That's fantastic. And Paul Rudd's A huge Steeler fan. An obscene, obscene.

[Rick Glassman]

He's a Kansas City guy.

[John Holmberg]

I thought Steelers to ask him. He does what I do. When I saw what he did with his brain for the Steelers, I'm like, I'm not the only one. If you give me your phone number out loud. Oh, I assign the numbers to the jerseys.

[Rick Glassman]

I saw him do that on Rich.

[John Holmberg]

Eisenhower, and I'm the same. And I. And I always thought that was an odd way to remember everything, but that is exactly what I do. And when I saw him do that, I'm like, oh, my God. And it's the Steelers. It was a weird.

[Rick Glassman]

Are there any combinations that you can't do? Because most numbers are double digits.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but you can work it out with singles, too. You can work singles. You can. Double digit. You can. I have something for everything.

[Brady]

So you.

[Rick Glassman]

You also had your first kiss late in life. You know what? Yeah, I'm gonna stay.

[John Holmberg]

And it was with a girl who looked a lot like Terry Bradshaw. There's something, something. Check out Homework's morning sickness podcast at 98kupd.comberg's Morning Sickness. I have to say, all the stuff that's gone on in the last few months, I've been thinking about you. Yes. Because this weirdness that goes on with the documentary and Puffy and Fitty, who's gone nuts on everything, and you get involved in this and they show pictures. I have to say. And nobody says this out loud. If I'm in the situation to go to Diddy's parties, I'm going just like everyone else did.

[Marlon Wayans]

I was.

[John Holmberg]

What is it from your perspective?

[Marlon Wayans]

Because it's so weird at the parties. And I. I never saw the freak offs. And that's why part of me is mad at Diddy.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you didn't get to play.

[Marlon Wayans]

I never got to see the freak off. You letting people pay people to.

[John Holmberg]

Bump that.

[Marlon Wayans]

Beautiful woman. I would have paid you double.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, let me do it.

[Marlon Wayans]

And I don't care. These guys complain. She gave me an stvd. I want that std.

[John Holmberg]

That's a good.

[Marlon Wayans]

Show it off. See these herpes? You gave me the ass.

[Brady]

Bring it.

[John Holmberg]

Here's the thing. You didn't get to watch because you were a threat.

[Marlon Wayans]

See, I know they knew I would tell.

[John Holmberg]

Or maybe that I would tell on everybody.

[Marlon Wayans]

I'd be like Meek Mill got it. I got a crooked ding, ding. It looks like Candyman's hook. I'm like, DJ Khaled got an inning.

[John Holmberg]

But I love that everybody.

[Marlon Wayans]

I would tell on everybody.

[John Holmberg]

Wait a Second.

[Marlon Wayans]

And here's how I know they want me at the party, huh? Because I went one day and I was like. I went to, like. I've known Puffy since, like, when he was puffy. And I was like, I'mma wait around. I stayed there till 3:30 in the morning, tired. I was like, I'm gonna see this freak off. Nothing happened.

[John Holmberg]

Absolutely nothing.

[Marlon Wayans]

And so I left. And then the next day, everybody came up to me, man, you missed the freak up. I said, what time did it happen? They said, 3:32.

[John Holmberg]

It was two minutes late. Oh, that's terrible.

[Marlon Wayans]

Bastards.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that ain't right. And can I say that? Yes, you can say that. You're fine. I got you.

[Marlon Wayans]

You got me. It's your fault because I heard you throw one out there and I was like, oh, okay.

[John Holmberg]

Which one did I toss?

[Marlon Wayans]

I don't know. Something wild.

[John Holmberg]

I was like. I was happy that every white guy.

[Marlon Wayans]

You don't even know what you say. That's sad.

[John Holmberg]

Plausible deniability. Yeah, I don't know what I said, and I don't believe you're telling the truth.

[Marlon Wayans]

I am telling the truth. And trust me, I do tell the truth. And I have a YouTube channel that I have to promote, so make sure you go check it out. Marlon Wayans on YouTube.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

So I'm starting to do stuff on YouTube.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Okay.

[Marlon Wayans]

I don't know what it is, but I'm just trusting J.D. and he just says, do it. And so you do it.

[John Holmberg]

And he's filming you, like around here doing stuff.

[Marlon Wayans]

He feels really. I don't know what I'm doing.

[John Holmberg]

And you're okay with it?

[Marlon Wayans]

I'm really boring to watch.

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Marlon Wayans]

Are you.

[John Holmberg]

Do you. Are you a boring guy when you're not being Marlon Wayans?

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

Yeah, I really am. Like, when I'm not performing, I'm boring. I sleep. I. I scratch my sack, I write. I do boring stuff.

[Brady]

I don't.

[John Holmberg]

Can you scratch your second ride at the same time? I.

[Marlon Wayans]

And sometimes, yeah, that's too much work.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it is a lot.

[Marlon Wayans]

You missed the fun years back when I did Molly and randomly sniff coke. That was fun years.

[John Holmberg]

Randomly. Randomly. It would just appear just to nullify.

[Marlon Wayans]

The Molly because I was too much and I just need to come down, so.

[John Holmberg]

Really?

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And you're done with that last.

[Marlon Wayans]

Yeah, I did it 50 times. And, you know, I. I stopped. It was during COVID and I stopped my next door neighbor was. Was doing it, and I was like, I never done that. Let me try.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

And I was Doing research for a movie. And I was like, I'm a method actor.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

I was like, let me try that. And I tried it a few times. Like, this is great. He goes, you want to see something cooler? I said, yeah. And he went. And he pulled out some pina colada cocaine. I was like, all right. Amazing.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. The flavor.

[Marlon Wayans]

This is crazy.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

And then he said, I got something better. And he pulled out grape and sour apple and watermelon.

[John Holmberg]

It's like Johnny Ranch.

[Marlon Wayans]

You guys are trying to kill black people. You were trying to get me hooked. I see. This is the white man trying to get the black population back on drugs.

[John Holmberg]

We just got out of this.

[Marlon Wayans]

And so I quit. Yeah, because you lost five friends to. To. To fentanyl.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

In one week. And I was like, I'm never touching anything ever again. I lost a dear friend, Fuquan Johnson. It doesn't sound like a guy with hangwood. I actually hated him. But really, you know, he's black. I gotta rule first.

[John Holmberg]

But even the.

[Marlon Wayans]

Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

Even.

[Marlon Wayans]

Even though he did it again.

[John Holmberg]

That's okay.

[Marlon Wayans]

You gotta press your button.

[John Holmberg]

No, that's a good one.

[Marlon Wayans]

Really?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. When you're talking about black guys. Okay. Here in Arizona, I'll keep you up to date. No. Like, you. Like, you'd support him. Even a jerk.

[Marlon Wayans]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. He was a. You didn't like him.

[Marlon Wayans]

I got to.

[John Holmberg]

And he passed away from Fentanyl because.

[Marlon Wayans]

He was playing him and five other people I knew in one week.

[John Holmberg]

And I was like, oh, my God.

[Marlon Wayans]

And I was like, anything powdered? Any molly, don't do it. I haven't touched stuff. I just. I smoke my cigars. Liga Tridente. You could get them at Fox Cigars, sells my Liga Tridente cigars. Ask them for the Malawian cigar. It's in the humidor. They're great. And I have me some whiskey and I call it a day. Where's your wonderful whiskey you make with your feet? You had some whiskey in here? It was prohibition.

[John Holmberg]

Says Rack that you bought me a bottle after I told you about it. Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

You know what it felt like? It felt like I drank the juice out of her butt after she found the eight ball.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that stuff's powerful. I got it in the office if you want.

[Marlon Wayans]

Oh, my God. Can we all just do a shot.

[John Holmberg]

And see what happens? Toledo. Yeah, we'll bring in the Cesar.

[Marlon Wayans]

All right, let's go, let's go.

[John Holmberg]

Marlon Wayans is here.

[Rick Glassman]

He's a.

[John Holmberg]

Stand up live. And you're gonna. You have to go do TV we.

[Marlon Wayans]

Just want to try some. Says Rack.

[John Holmberg]

Can you pour some shots, all of us, for the guys? Yeah, everybody.

[Marlon Wayans]

Don't pour him a little shot.

[John Holmberg]

Have you met Thriller yet? Our friend Thriller.

[Marlon Wayans]

Hey, what's up?

[John Holmberg]

Do you want to know what we call him? Thriller.

[Marlon Wayans]

What's up, future pedophile?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, he looks like a pedo. I swear to God. Thriller. Walk away. Watch, He's got a thing. Want to see it again? Walk away One more time. Isn't that great? That's one of my favorite things ever. Sorry, Marlon Wayne's at Stand Up Live. Can I borrow him?

[Rick Glassman]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

I know you can't have it, right? I want to borrow him. I need you, Thriller. We have a guest. Please walk away. Walk away again. What's the matter with you? Does it to the beat. Brett noticed that.

[Brady]

Such a mess. It's unbelievable.

[John Holmberg]

When he walked to his car, we would go. And he walks the parking lot. Yeah. So can you do the same thing, but do the. Put. Put the show on. Here we go. Three, two, one, go.

[Marlon Wayans]

Just walk.

[John Holmberg]

Just walk. It's a rhythm. It's. He's only got one thing. We'll work on that for next time. Marlon [e-mail] and whoever says that ain't funny. We don't want you f ball to you.

[Marlon Wayans]

Listen, we can laugh.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, he can laugh. That's what makes me great. Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

Who named him this one?

[John Holmberg]

And. And we were so proud of it. Brett did it. That he was walking to his car. He didn't even know it. Exactly. You got to give him another hug. He's hugging you, Brett. That's. That's it. So we would look out this window out there. Marlin's gone. We would look out this window, and he'd walk to his car.

[Marlon Wayans]

You're not my favorite wife.

[John Holmberg]

We can move Brett to one for that one, because I. I was sitting right there by that window. Thriller walked out to his car, and Brett's in that window. And he just goes. And he just goes, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. And I knew exactly what it was. And then, for probably, no offense, Thriller. Three years, we did that and then finally introduced ourselves to him because we were. I never. I had a hip replacement. So he'd walk towards me in the hall, and I'd walk at him, and I'd have to try real hard to straighten up so it didn't look like I was making fun.

[Marlon Wayans]

And then you walk by, and you'd.

[John Holmberg]

Be like, hey, Dean, Dean, you know.

[Brady]

We'Ve been doing this for three years.

[John Holmberg]

He's very funny.

[Marlon Wayans]

He's a good.

[John Holmberg]

All right.

[Marlon Wayans]

You're gonna have some, too.

[John Holmberg]

My mind's empty. What the hell?

[Brady]

What else?

[Brett Vesely]

There you go.

[John Holmberg]

Mine's empty. Is yours empty? Oh, he's got to pour me.

[Rick Glassman]

You're good.

[John Holmberg]

You're drinking, too.

[Brett Vesely]

Let's get it.

[John Holmberg]

There's cocaine in it.

[Marlon Wayans]

That's a little shot.

[John Holmberg]

That was a baby shot. Brady's not a poor.

[Brett Vesely]

Jeez.

[John Holmberg]

What are you doing? Stop that.

[Marlon Wayans]

Okay, can we get one Thriller and then let. Play the music.

[John Holmberg]

We tried to get. We tried. He just walks straight as an arrow. He becomes a British nobleman. He's into equestrian riding and jogging. It's amazing what happens to him. Hello. How are you? I'm Thriller.

[Brett Vesely]

There you go.

[John Holmberg]

Not anymore.

[Marlon Wayans]

There he is.

[John Holmberg]

Cheers to Thriller and Marlon Wayans for coming tonight. Stand up live. Standuplive.com if you want to go. It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fees. I have heard enough of this.