01-09-26 - FULL SHOW - FRIDAY - Holmbergs Morning Sickness 98 KUPD

Summary

Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – Arizona’s #1 Morning Radio Show

Episode: 01-09-26 - FULL SHOW - FRIDAY (January 9, 2026)

Host: John Holmberg
Co-hosts: Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo
Guests: Rick Glassman, Marlon Wayans

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Episode Overview

This Friday episode blends the show’s signature irreverent humor, banter about Arizona life, sports talk, bathroom confessions, and lengthy riffs on musicals, art, and sexuality, while welcoming guests Rick Glassman and Marlon Wayans. The show covers local comedy events, controversial listener emails, conspiracy theories, generational quirks, and the importance of humor and empathy in dark times—with no subject off-limits.

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Key Discussion Points and Highlights

1. Local Comedy Rundown & Opening Banter

Timestamps: 00:38 – 01:45

• John promotes upcoming comedy shows across Arizona:
  • Xiao Ying Summers, Sammy Obey at Tempe Improv
  • Rick Glassman at Desert Ridge Improv
  • Marlon Wayans at Stand Up Live
• Technical mishaps during show open spark jokes about producer skills and timing the music precisely.
• Playful exchange about the song “Piss Ball Pete” and its role in show timing.

Memorable moment:
John: “You are magnificent at it. This morning…just swung and missed.” (02:39)

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2. Bathroom Etiquette & Over-Share

Timestamps: 03:09 – 05:51

• John shares detailed stories about his intense aversion to public work bathrooms, preferring to return home (or even to an empty rental) for comfort, and shunning the subpar work shower.
• Anecdotes lead to a discussion of acceptable bathroom conduct, “airing out” workplace facilities, and various methods of cleansing.

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3. College Football Playoffs & Arizona Sports Climate

Timestamps: 05:51 – 08:06

• Recap of the Miami vs. Ole Miss game in Arizona.
• Touches on college playoff drama and pass interference calls ("Hail Mary? All bets off!").
• Observations about fan presence in the city and local dining spots as college sports invade town.

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4. The Book of Mormon Musical: A Spirited Review

Timestamps: 08:06 – 13:52

• Brett saw "The Book of Mormon" musical and raves about it in graphic, comedic detail.
• John and Brett trade favorite moments, songs, and their affection for edgy satire.
• The conversation tackles why musical theater is often perceived as “gay” and delights in how the show harnesses both irreverence and brilliant, pointed uses of profanity.

Notable Quotes:

John (08:16): "They say the C-word in the most perfect way I ever heard in my life…"
Brett (08:58): "It’s brilliant. It’s truly brilliant."

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5. Responding to Hateful Listener Mail: On Musicals, Masculinity & Insecurity

Timestamps: 13:09 – 15:40

• John reads a particularly vicious and homophobic email from a listener ("Douglas") triggered by praise for "Book of Mormon."
• The team dissects the fragile masculinity behind equating musicals with homosexuality and spins out hilarious tangents about Broadway, drawing, and self-acceptance.

Notable Quotes:

John (14:00): "If something can make you gay, guess what? You're gay."
Brady (15:46): "It's a gateway activity, John!"

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6. Artsy Kids, Drawing Nudes, and "Pervert or Artist?"

Timestamps: 16:03 – 22:50

• Hilarious reminiscences about schoolmates who drew elaborate nude or sexual caricatures of teachers and students.
• John argues that anyone who routinely paints or draws nudes—especially loved ones—is "more pervert than artist," which devolves into brief discussions about Titanic, art, and masculine posturing.

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7. More Listener Mail & the Gay Panic Hypotheticals

Timestamps: 51:02 – 56:59

• The show unpacks a listener’s question about unintended sexual encounters: "If you discover mid-blowjob it’s not a woman, but finish—are you gay?"
• The guys trade answers ranging from philosophical to absurd, landing on: You’re only gay if you want to do it again.
• Many references to "Schrodinger’s gay cat" and whether thoughts or acts make a person gay.

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8. Conspiracies, False Flags, and Witness Protection Fantasies

Timestamps: 62:32 – 86:50

• The show tackles the viral Minnesota ICE shooting, expressing skepticism toward both sides. John pleads for empathy and rationality rather than tribal politics.
• Playful, extended riffs about being "recruited" for government conspiracies, faked deaths (Challenger, 9/11), and living new lives in witness protection.
• The team weighs the perks of sudden wealth or staged martyrdom for a payoff.

Notable Quote:

John (71:05): "...if that does exist, someone out there knows it. Get him in touch with me. I’m all in."

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9. Sports: Fandom, Merchandise, and Changing Loyalties

Timestamps: 44:54 – 50:58

• Gentle mockery of "wearing another man’s name on your shirt" as a kind of modern “man-friendly gayness.”
• Detour into Titanic and Fifty Shades of Grey as examples of women’s problematic definitions of “romance.”
• Jokes about Steelers coach Mike Tomlin, Bill Belichick, and the intersection of sports, money, and transactional relationships.

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10. The "Beretti Report"—News, Science, and Bizarre Facts

Timestamps: 90:54 – 104:01

• Brady’s news segment with random oddities:
  • Theodore Roosevelt’s daughter’s pet snake
  • Ancient Egyptian proctologists: “shepherds of the anus”
  • MTV's ill-fated “Dude, This Sucks” pilot (literal poop spraying incident)
  • Lawsuit over meat price-fixing
  • Survey claims soccer is now America’s #3 sport
• Science news includes poisoned arrowheads and robot swarms

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11. Extreme Videos, Taboo Jokes, and Audience Discretion

Timestamps: 104:01 – 112:35

• Brady and Brett share a series of increasingly disturbing, “NSFW” viral videos (e.g., sexual stunts, injuries, AI fakes).
• The hosts react with laughter and horror—classic “Morning Sickness” unpredictability.

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Guest Spotlights

Rick Glassman

Timestamps: 116:38 – 138:53

• Arrives late, riffs self-deprecatingly about setting alarms, family, and being a Cleveland Browns fan.
• Shares a heartfelt, funny story about realizing—through a basketball league—he wasn’t as well-liked/socially integrated as he’d believed. This leads to broader advice on asking questions rather than making assumptions.
• Explains how deep curiosity and direct communication changed his understanding of self, social circles, and the world.
• Talks about learning to kiss from a Kim Cattrall book, awkward first times, and integrates standup bits about scientific sexuality.

Standout Moment:

Rick (130:08): "I think if I were to go bigger... I don’t think people know how often they don’t know something... It’s important to ask questions."

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Marlon Wayans

Timestamps: 139:13 – end

• Proclaims the hosts his “favorite whites” in typical Marlon fashion, sparking playful racial banter (“Cracker Love”).
• Engages in a rollicking Steelers vs. Ravens football discussion, delighting in sports rivalry, hatred of the Ravens, and joy of watching young fans get their hearts broken.
• Speaks candidly (and humorously) about never being invited to the infamous “freak-off” afterparties at Diddy’s mansions (“I was there till 3:30am, nothing happened. They said: you missed it! 3:32!”).
• Jokes about his own foray into drugs during COVID, the dangers of fentanyl, and quitting after multiple friends died.
• Discusses performing, YouTube, and being boring off-stage (prefers writing, sleeping, cigars, and whiskey).
• Shares his struggles learning to throw a football for a movie role, being replaced by a stunt double, and thoughts on the pleasures of shrooms, Star Wars, and trippy sexual experiences.
• Promotes his upcoming special about his child’s gender transition—not just their journey, but his own journey of denial to acceptance.

Notable Quotes:

Marlon (170:10): “…when I pulled my meat out my pants, it went VVVWOM! Like a lightsaber.”
Marlon (159:06): "Live every day like it’s your last. Tomorrow’s not promised. Laugh at all that is dark…"
Marlon (182:19): "I have a new special…about my trans child…not their transition, my transition…going from denial to acceptance..."

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Memorable Quotes / Moments

• John (14:00): “If something can make you gay, guess what? You’re gay.”
• Brett (08:58): “It’s brilliant. It’s truly brilliant.” (on Book of Mormon)
• Marlon (139:47): “Whites that I love. We represent whites that we blacks fight for.”
• Rick (130:19): “Those little moments of filling in the blanks calibrate how you see people and the world.”
• John (62:51): “I’m probably going to comply with the guy with the gun more often than not. But I’m going home.”
• Marlon (159:06): “Live every day like it’s your last…laugh at all that’s dark…life gets darker and darker.”
• Marlon (182:19): “...the transition, not their transition—my transition. Going from denial to acceptance…”

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Key Timestamps for Segments

| Time | Segment/Content | |------------|------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:38 | Comedy events promo | | 01:45 | Show formal start—banter | | 03:09 | “Piss Ball Pete,” morning habits, bathroom rant | | 08:06 | Book of Mormon musical review | | 13:09 | Homophobic email & masculinity riff | | 16:03 | Drawing nudes/art vs. perversion | | 44:54 | Sports fan gear = “manly gay,” Titanic/Fifty Shades romance talk | | 51:02 | Listener Q: accidental gay encounter—what does it mean? | | 62:32 | ICE shooting, conspiracy theories, false flag chat | | 86:50 | Witness Protection/alter ego brainstorming | | 90:54 | Beretti Report: weird news, science, fun facts | | 104:01 | Video reactions—gross-out segment | | 116:38 | Rick Glassman guest segment | | 139:13 | Marlon Wayans guest segment | | 159:06 | Marlon’s life advice/words of wisdom | | 175:46 | Entertainment drill: Tom Cruise, Jackass, angry comedy | | 182:08 | Marlon: transitioning (his child’s and his own) |

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Episode Tone & Style

• Raw, unscripted, near-the-edge: Holmberg and crew shine when taking unexpected left turns and giving taboo topics a heartfelt or comedic twist.
• Authentically “Arizona”: Local in-jokes, sports references, and personality-driven commentary.
• Inclusive, provocative, unfiltered: Topics range from scatological to sentimental—but always with wit and an ear for hyping up the audience or guests.
• Guests are welcomed as trusted friends, resulting in candid, insightful exchanges that move smoothly from raunchy to real.

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Summary Takeaway

Today’s episode of Holmberg’s Morning Sickness is a wild, wide-ranging romp through sports, theater, art, sexuality, politics, social awareness, and the stupid things guys do when left unsupervised. Rick Glassman and Marlon Wayans keep the laughs fresh, intelligent, and heartfelt—with Wayans particularly delivering moments of genuine vulnerability and wisdom amidst the chaos. Whether they’re debating what makes someone “gay,” pondering conspiracy theories, or just roasting one another’s bathroom habits, the crew delivers top-shelf Arizona morning radio: abrasive, often inappropriate, but surprisingly earnest beneath the bombast.

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For comedy listings, tune-in info, or more about the show, visit 98kupd.com.

"Live every day like it's your last. Laugh at all that is dark... life gets darker and darker."
— Marlon Wayans, (159:06)

Transcript

[Brett Vesely]

You're listening to the HMS Podcast, brought to you by MMP Guns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories. It's Brett Vesely from the morning sickness, and I want to let you guys know about my friends over at Divine Design Landscaping. These guys have been great. They've been taking care of my house, and you guys have heard that I've had a lot of stuff going on lately. It's been great to take something off my plate. These guys handle everything. Lawn care, irrigation, tree work, low voltage lighting, 3D designs, patios. You name it, they can do it. So start the new year off right and get a free quote at divine design lawn care.com and ask for the HMS friends and family rate. That's DivineDesign lawn care.com all right, HMS.

[John Holmberg]

Podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Get the new year started on the east side of the 10pm improv with Xiao Ying Summers and Sammy Obey performing their sets up north at the Desert Ridge Improv. You got Rick Glassman there all week for you. And downtown at Stand Up Live, it's the one and only Marlon Wayans. For the complete lineups and for Tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com hey.

[Brett Vesely]

It'S Brett Vesely and I'm here with Byron from MMP Guns. Look, Byron, I have a friend wanting to sell some guns he inherited. What's the best way for him to do that?

[Brady]

Brett, the last thing you want to do is sell the gun to someone who can't legally own one.

[John Holmberg]

Tell him not to put himself at risk and come into M and P.

[Brady]

Guns where he'll get a fair offer.

[John Holmberg]

And he can rest easy knowing it's.

[Brady]

Not getting into the wrong hands.

[Brett Vesely]

Okay, but what if he lives out of state?

[John Holmberg]

Easy.

[Brady]

Legalgunbuyer.com and he can do it all online.

[Rick Glassman]

It's really that simple.

[Brett Vesely]

There you have it. MMP Guns or legalgunbuyer.com the SAF and Legal Way to sell your firearms.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, he's not. He's not evil. He's just a bit rude. We'll explain. Good morning, everybody. Hello there. Welcome to Friday. It is 5:45. Yes, the morning sickness. My name's John. There's Brady, there's Brett, there's Big Dick Toledo. And we'll get to why Piss Ball Pete just played for 17 seconds. Is because a lot of you don't know this. But when Brett gets here, his first job of the day is to make sure that this computer is running right at 5, 45, and 00 seconds. So he rearranges all the songs and then usually picks a song right before we go in the air that has the perfect time to get us to 5 4, 5, 00. And you are magnificent at it. Yeah. This morning. Walks in and says we can either be a minute 30 over or 27 short. I'm like, what?

[Brady]

How'd you.

[John Holmberg]

He just didn't get it done today. Well, just swung and missed.

[Brett Vesely]

I played in the Mormons.

[John Holmberg]

Well, you were up late and. Yes. Mormon stuff.

[Marlon Wayans]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

The.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

So the idea Brady had was minimum wage by they Might Be Giants, which is a pretty great little quickie. Hilarious to try to get us as close to 5, 45, and 00. And then you said Piss Ball Pete from Palladio.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And I mean, any chance we get to throw Piss Ball Pete in there for time? So thank you. One star night.

[Brady]

Good member bearings for that, too.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Pistol Pete just got us right on zeros, which is money, excellent work, and emails are. Piss Ball Pete. What's going on? Oh, my God. Thank you. I sing that in my head all the time. James McCarthy says, yeah, I know you can't help it, especially if you. If you accidentally pee on your balls a little bit. It's a thing. I had a good start to the morning. I realized about a third of the way here that I was going to have to use the facilities. And you know me at this point, I turn around, turn around and go back. And I went to. Actually went right back to that rental house nobody's in right now and took care of business and hopped in the shower and cleansed as, and I was about six minutes, seven minutes later than I would have been. And I did not sully a bathroom at work or ruin someone else's day by dropping bombs in there. And it wasn't a. Wasn't a historic effort. No one would have known had I done it, but I was pretty proud of myself to go, you know what, gonna keep going, head over here, take a nice shower there, and took care of business. It was very nice. Otherwise, had it not been for that, had that been Airbnb, I'd have driven all the way back and I'd have been just arriving as Piss Ball Pete finished their song. So I'm fine with how that went.

[Brett Vesely]

But good thing we're not still in the guad. You'd have had a like.

[John Holmberg]

And I turned around you'd have to.

[Brett Vesely]

Buy like a Section 8 type housing for a total bathroom there.

[John Holmberg]

I'd have probably gone for the Wayans.

[Brady]

Challenge, too, in case.

[John Holmberg]

No, there's none of that. No. I just had to go to the bathroom and I thought, you know what this is? This might be one that lingers all day and just makes me uncomfortable. So I'm just gonna unleash it. I had the capabilities of hanging on to it if I wanted to. I didn't want to. I had an opportunity. If we were still in Guadalupe, I'd have taken 11 or 12 and gone over to that Guadalupe Best Western. Probably gone in there and cleansed up a room. Yeah, I need one room, please. For how long? It doesn't matter. Just a room. And then I'd have gone crazy in there and used one of their disgusting Guadalupe showers and moved on from that. But that would have been tough.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know what's worse. Well, I'll tell you. Not showering is worse. So for all those people that argue, sometimes you just can't. If you can't hold it, your sphincter's broken. You were built to. And if you can't hold it to the point where it's gonna. You're sick, go home.

[Brett Vesely]

We got the shower downstairs.

[John Holmberg]

You could have used that. Have you seen that thing? Go turn that on later today. Go turn that shower downstairs on. It is a remarkable. Like the Bellagio has less activity. There is water shooting out of stuff that doesn't even exist. It's going everywhere but forward. And. Yeah, you don't. You can't use that shower. There's none of that. I had to do it that one time. I made an accident here and I went down there. It was a disaster. It's cold. There's no hot water. We don't pay for hot water, by the way, so. Yeah, of course. So. It's right now. Brutal.

[Marlon Wayans]

Oh, man.

[Brett Vesely]

I know.

[Brady]

Extra chilly.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. It would not be good. So coming out of those places. So this shower down here. Pointless. Yeah. So I did it. And you're welcome, co workers. Quite welcome. Had a hell of a football game here last night in town. And all the folks From Miami and Ms. Sip, enjoy your trip home. Goodbye. Sorry the weather wasn't very good. This place is almost always bad. It's miserable. It's just a terrible spot to be. You should all go home now. And they are all heading to the airport, which is fine.

[Brady]

And it sounded like there's a little more Ole Miss crowd in the. When they Brought.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I couldn't tell that.

[Brady]

Just a little bit.

[John Holmberg]

Seemed like it was popping pretty good for Red. And yeah, the red was what got me. I'm like, man, there's a. I went to lunch with my financial guy, Jeff yesterday and we. We sat down and had a chat and noticed that we were at the Windsor and there was a couple. There was a family with Ole Miss everything. Pins and hats and, you know, sweatshirts and stuff. There was an old misrepresentation at two or three tables. Didn't see any Miami. And there was. And I'm like, wow, Ole Misses was showing up here in the middle of the day. So I kind of was wondering if it was going to be. It wasn't lopsided, but that was a hell of a game. That was a. I don't like college football that much, but I like the playoff because usually it's finally evenly matched teams that can't pick their opponent, which is what college usually is. Just pick your teams and then go beat the tar out of them. Call yourself great. It's like boxing when you know you don't fight anybody good. You occasionally have a decent fight, but you get to pick it. Playoffs are great. Miami and Ole Miss, that was. That was tight. And the game ends with a clear pass interference. But Hail Mary's, you don't get those. I mean, it's just dudes tackling each other trying to get a football. And like if that was in the third quarter and they threw that ball, I mean, clearly going to be flags. I don't know why they just say at the end of the game, we're not going to. You're allowed to do whatever you want, man. Those. Both of them, both guys were just beating the tar out of each other. But you can't complain about one call in a game. You have to say you were in that situation the entire time because of what you did. It was a great game, an excellent game. But the real thing that happened last night is sitting to my right and Brett, you went to the Book of Mormon Damage and told me yesterday about this time that it was here in town, which I did not know. And I am still considering a trip to the Book of Mormons. Get my times right. Was I right?

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, absolutely.

[John Holmberg]

100 didn't overhype it?

[Brett Vesely]

No, not at all.

[John Holmberg]

I don't think it's possible it may.

[Brett Vesely]

Have been underhyped as a matter of fact, because some of the stuff I was just like.

[Brady]

What the.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, the part where they mentioned. Well, they say the C word in the most perfect way I ever heard in my life. Because that's where you get to kick God. And I was dying when they did it, because I'm like, this is. And it's satirical. It's not just for the sake of the shock.

[Brett Vesely]

Right?

[John Holmberg]

There's, like, real meaning behind the story, behind it.

[Brett Vesely]

I mean, it's.

[John Holmberg]

And I know for a fact when somebody says. Because I read reviews of it yesterday, just to joke, like, what. What are people who don't like it say? And though. And they're usually very religious and they say it's sophomoric, and it's. Oh, you're just not smart enough to understand it. That's all that is, is, like, you can't. Brilliant. You can't hear a dirty word and think, oh, it's just for the sake of blue. No, their dirty words are, like, pointed. It's the best satire I've ever seen.

[Brett Vesely]

It's brilliant. It's truly brilliant.

[John Holmberg]

Damn it, Brett. I'm jealous.

[Brett Vesely]

When they. When they went to hell.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, Spooky Mormon Hell Dream.

[Brett Vesely]

And Dahmer's back.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, Hitler, Hitler. Johnny Cochran's my favorite. He comes shooting through.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, I was dying.

[John Holmberg]

He lied about a donut. Oh, it's great. And then he had some hot coffee or tea. Oh, it was so good.

[Brady]

I forgot. I. I found a picture. I took a picture with Joseph Smith after the performance.

[John Holmberg]

You know him?

[Brady]

You could. You could meet.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, the guy, the actor. Oh, okay. I thought you're holding the book with him. Yeah. I didn't know that they did that. I probably wouldn't have done that, because gay.

[Brett Vesely]

Well, I know.

[John Holmberg]

You said they're all gay.

[Brett Vesely]

I know. Yesterday you said you're a little worried that, you know, it may not be as good as the first time. You said. Because, you know, the. The actors, because it's a different crew and stuff like that. They were great.

[John Holmberg]

There was.

[Brett Vesely]

There was no.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, because that's what you said. You said you're going to see it. And my brain keeps saying, much like when I saw AC DC for the last time that I saw them, I. And. And Aerosmith. And there are times when I've said, I cannot see this band better than what I just saw. So I don't want to see them again. I just shut the door on Aerosmith. Played the God. I remember. I was like, 1990. I was just a kid, and I.

[Brett Vesely]

Was like, man, like pump or prone to vacation there.

[John Holmberg]

That's it. I never need to see them again. That might have been perfect. And if I see them again and they're a little off, it will taint my memory of this. This is perfect. I'm going to walk away. It's the Curly from City Slickers. She could have been the one. I mean, what is.

[Brady]

She is.

[John Holmberg]

She'll always be. Because he didn't pursue what he had already seen as perfection. I'd done that with a couple of bands. I feel the same way about the Book of Mormon. They might have had a perfect night. When I went, it was for me and any slip ups or goofs or whatever, or if it wasn't, you know, on time, I'd be like, oh, so I have a level of seeing it that can't be negated. I loved it.

[Brett Vesely]

I thought it was brilliant. I mean, I can't see anything wrong with it. Like if it was better, if it was any better than what I seen last night, I'd be surprised.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it was that good. All right.

[Brett Vesely]

And our friends that we went with with Batman and his wife, they, they, this is their third time seeing it.

[John Holmberg]

And they like, yes.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

So I want to go again, but just on the chance that somebody. Or it just isn't. It isn't. I'm like, oh, this guy's off tonight. Or there's something missing or say I, I just don't want it to be flawed.

[Brett Vesely]

Not from where I was at.

[John Holmberg]

All right. Damn it.

[Brett Vesely]

I'll probably sold out on a Thursday night.

[John Holmberg]

I know because it's that good now as much as I've praised it. And then I'm glad you had a great time.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And Hasadiga Eboy, by the way, now he's laughing and now he gets it. I know when you were doing it.

[Brett Vesely]

Yesterday, I'm like, this is jerk off.

[John Holmberg]

Talking about, what are you doing? He text me when he got there at Gambit yesterday and I said, you're going to have a great time, Hasadiga. And I know you're like, I have no idea what that is. And then once you know, yeah. Oh, it's great. Changes your life.

[Brett Vesely]

The, the great part was my wife was, you know, she's from Salt Lake. She's not, she's not a Mormon, but I mean she's from Salt Lake. So she, she was dying because she knew all the little innuendos and stuff. Stuff that I was even like, what's so funny? Oh yeah, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

No, they hit everything. And it's great. On the heels of this, me praising yesterday to no end the Book of Mormon and telling you that it was going to be fantastic.

[Rick Glassman]

Right?

[John Holmberg]

All these people emailed and said, now I've never. I've wanted to see it, but now you're just pushing me over. I think we sold a bunch of tickets. You're welcome, Book of Mormon. If you're welcome, Ticketmaster and StubHub and all the people who got secondary ones. There was one guy who sent me this. His name was Douglas. Then he says it's official. Holmberg, you eat dicks for breakfast?

[Brady]

No.

[John Holmberg]

Says going in and on or so. Probably not. Going on and on. Going on and on about a Broadway musical.

[Brady]

This.

[John Holmberg]

This morning. Wrote it yesterday. Is proof your fingers have explored the darkest spaces of a man's body. I absolutely know it. You wash poop off yourself pretty regularly. You have no idea how much I used to love you until I discovered this morning you're nothing but a penis. Smoking, anal banging, rosebud homosexual.

[Brett Vesely]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

You should probably start taking puberty blockers now and transition completely into Cher or Liberace. I'm surprised I can even understand you with all those wieners you have in your mouth every morning. I'll probably see you on Andy Cohen or on Bravo someday with your new show, Homo. Signed, Douglas. Yep.

[Brady]

Bring it in. The new year.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. Oh, yeah. It could be kissing Anderson Cooper soon. That's right. The praise of a musical automatically gay to the point where the guy just can't possibly fathom it.

[Brady]

That was all from the musical.

[John Holmberg]

That was me. Well, yeah, that. Well, what else would it be? Pretty please. Well, how rude. Of course. He said, every day we talk, listen to the. Listen to the email and focus on what's going on. Yeah, no, this is. He said that praising the Book of Mormon in any musical on Broadway makes you gay, which makes me think that guy's teetering on a very thin razor's edge of heterosexuality.

[Brett Vesely]

Look, I'm not a. I'm not a.

[John Holmberg]

Broadway play kind of guy at all.

[Brett Vesely]

I mean, even yesterday, I'm like, kind of Twinkie. What's going on here? But it's hilarious.

[John Holmberg]

It's too good to. Yeah, it's brilliant. And it's no different to me. Except for the thing that's Twinkie in theater are the actors. There's a lot of gay in it, right? A lot. Most of them, in fact. I don't know why Broadway is so gay. But it's gay. But when it's good. So what? Gay people are hilarious sometimes. And they come up. Yeah. And they're very flamboyant, which is what you want in A live stage performance is people who are really, you know, you need the gate.

[Brett Vesely]

Like the lead singer from Shinedown. I mean, he's real flamboyant.

[John Holmberg]

Is he gay?

[Brett Vesely]

No, I'm not saying that, but he's very flamboyant when he's up there.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Super Broadway.

[Brett Vesely]

I was telling somebody one time, I was like, he is gonna be on Broadway when The Shinedown thing.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

There's no two ways about it, because he's very animated.

[John Holmberg]

This is like. Yeah, this is. Yeah. If you can't hear a broad. If you can't hear a gay guy sing and not think, if I like this, this is gay, you better turn your radio off, because I got some surprises for you. Like, I like Elton John, but that doesn't make me want to blow people. It makes me want to sing, you know, Little Genie and your song and stuff like that. But, my God, how. How crazy are you that you think that if you hear a song that's sung by somebody gay or done by something gay, that you two are gay? And who knows?

[Brady]

People come out guilty because I. I kind of enjoyed that.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I loved it.

[Brady]

Oh, God.

[John Holmberg]

But how.

[Brady]

How am I gay?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. How insecure are you with yourself? If you have to wonder if you're. I better swallow some man juice, because that was pretty entertaining. You are. If something can make you gay, guess what. You're gay. That made me gay. I liked it. To know. Okay, well, if that made me gay, I've been pretty good at it. I'll keep going with that. I'm sorry. To Douglas, the guy.

[Brady]

It's a gateway activity, Joan.

[John Holmberg]

Is it?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Is it a gateway to gay? All right. You know what else I liked once? You're really gonna love this one. I went to go see M. Butterfly.

[Brett Vesely]

What's that?

[John Holmberg]

It's a.

[Brady]

Get that letter back.

[John Holmberg]

Spectacular. Yeah.

[Brady]

Well, that.

[John Holmberg]

Because that's what makes you gay, is liking things gay people do. Because I don't think it makes you, like, bigoted or anything. That was. It was unreal. It's a musical about. It's a love between a Vietnam soldier and a Vietnamese woman. And it's spectacular. And it was that Gammage and I. Here's another thing. I cried a lot.

[Brett Vesely]

Douglas may be a little bit right.

[John Holmberg]

No, I have emotions for humans, not gay. I didn't immediately go, God, I got to blow that guy who likes that Asian lady. I didn't want to have crying because.

[Brady]

You knew what you had to do.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I was crying because I knew it was the death of My heterosexuality. I just loved the performance. It was a spectacular thing. Another thing brought me to the edge of my seat, nearly made me cry. And I've mentioned this several times. That goddamn river dance when Michael Flatley was doing it. Oh, my Lord. You've never seen anything like it. Big fan of Stomp, if you've ever been to Stomp.

[Brady]

Yep, I am.

[John Holmberg]

You're shorting yourself if you don't go to a, you know, a good play. I went and saw your boy Al Pacino on Broadway once with Diane Wiest and the dude who played Fredo, and they did. And Marisa Tomei got naked.

[Brett Vesely]

That is definitely not gay.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I was called Salome and I didn't know what I was walking into. Everyone in there was gay except for me and Pacino, I think. And then every guy revealed himself.

[Brady]

Okay, right.

[John Holmberg]

That wasn't very good. It was a reading. They do readings, Broadway readings where they all sit on a stage. It was kind of strange, but it was, you know, that's some star.

[Brett Vesely]

No acting. It's just like voice acting.

[John Holmberg]

All acting. And then occasionally, if it even says in the program it's a reading, they have the scripts in their hands. I don't necessarily need them. And. And then in the Dance of the Seven Veils, it said in the thing just depends on if the Muse strikes Ms. Tomei, whether or not she actually does the dance of seven veils. And if she does, there's potential nudity. And I'm like, oh, she went full out. Yeah. Marissa stripped that shirt off and danced. And Salome and for days.

[Brady]

Was that the one where they said she might not?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it says just the muse. Yeah, I just said that the muse strike her and maybe she will. She will potentially be nude. And me, Al Pacino and my friend Colin. And at the time, my father in law who was, you know, he's a little Twinkie sometimes. I don't know if he liked nudity from a women. He. He's one of those guys that did a lot of drawings and artistic stuff. And sometimes it was like, you know, men naked, pee pees and stuff. But that was art. Like, you know, that's kind of gay statues. Super gay.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

But he would also draw women naked and then like. And then landscapes of hills and forests and stuff. And then every once in a while, just a weird kind of naked person. And it wasn't, you know, didn't that.

[Brady]

Continue in the family? Didn't the son do that too?

[John Holmberg]

They were very artistic. Yeah. They could draw like crazy. They drew yeah, he drew a lot of naked ladies, Asian ones. And then he would marry Asian ladies. And I'm like, you realize this isn't art so much as it is you just having a fetish for naked Asian women. And then he drew his girlfriend, who was Asian and had huge natural Asian cans. I mean, you don't see that too often. And I went to his apartment, and it on his wall was a giant drawing of her nude. And I recognized it right away because she was Asian. It could have been her, I guess. And I. When I went in there and I looked, I was like, whoa. And he goes, yeah, that's Kim Chang Yee. I don't remember her name. It could have been Susan, but I just. I remember that. And I'm like, whoa. Like, did she pose for that? Or is that from memory? And he didn't laugh. Like, I'm making. Like, if I. Look. If you ever drew a picture of your wife naked on a wall, you're a pervert. Unless you consider yourself artistic. Or if you draw other stuff, you can get away with it. There was a kid in junior high named Hyam Sanchez.

[Brady]

That was.

[John Holmberg]

You remember Hyam? He went to Rhodes. Super artistic.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, I kind of vaguely do.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Great stuff. And he would draw Mrs. Wilkinson, who was a relatively unattractive socialist.

[Brett Vesely]

I don't know why he would do that.

[John Holmberg]

You remember her? And he would put her in sexual situations. It was fantastic. He also drew Rowena Larson, the agriculture teacher. And she had, like, some sort like.

[Brady]

A Vargas kind of. Or a.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, no, no. These were almost Rockwellian. He was excellent. Like, he had colored pencils with him at all times. I guess you can't call those African American pencils with him all the time. And he. And he would use those, and you'd look, and while we're all taking notes, he'd turn around and go, I'm like, what? And he'd hold his notebook up, and he had drawn Mrs. Wilkinson with her legs wide open and, like, really detailed and excellent. And I'm like, jesus Christ, Chaim. And I'd start laughing. He'd flip the page real fast and, like, write down a bunch of fake notes. And he was drawing everybody. So then we had agriculture together. So the next one of the next times he did a naked lady, it was Mrs. Larson, except for.

[Brett Vesely]

Couldn't choose any better than that.

[John Holmberg]

She. She had a little bit of a shaky voice. I don't know if she had Parkinson's, but her head bobbed just a little. I think she did. She was younger so I'm not sure, but she had a little bit of that Michael J. Fox thing going and she was a little shaky and he drew her as a goat with woman's breasts and a huge woman's vagina and then gave me the. But because he was so good at it, it wasn't weird. Like it was excellent art because every once in a while Chaim would get all sorts of credit, like at school for, for drawing a landscape or doing something, you know, beautiful. And then that years later, it's an.

[Brady]

Option at many tattoo parlors.

[John Holmberg]

Sure, sure. It gave him license to draw naked people because every once in a while he would draw something, you know, Bob Ross type thing. Yeah. It was like, Jesus, I'm. That's. You're so talented. And then turn the pages and there's Christy Greenway and Robin Monroe and Stacy north. And he's drawn them all nude. And like at 8th, 7th, 8th grade they were jerk worthy, you know, they were pretty good. But Mrs. Wilkinson, Mrs. Wilkinson was. And also he was very funny.

[Brett Vesely]

Cross between like a 70s hippie and somebody from Little House on the Prairie. Just that plain.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

You remember her?

[Brett Vesely]

Oh yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Oh yeah. I have seen her animated nude.

[Brett Vesely]

I'm sorry.

[John Holmberg]

And I died laughing. There's something, something. Check out homework's morning sickness [e-mail] you know, when you're looking for your fix.

[Brett Vesely]

Of comedy here in the Valley, we.

[John Holmberg]

Have three amazing clubs that feature some of the best comedians in the world. Up on the north end of town, you can visit the beautiful Desert Ridge Improv. Downtown in Cityscape, you've got Stand Up Live and Eastside. Right there in the heart of asu, it's the legendary Tempe Improv. Plenty of entertainment for you and your.

[Brett Vesely]

Guests and you can even grab some food and drink. So see why the Valley is a.

[John Holmberg]

Comedy destination and get your tickets by going to desertridgeimprov.com standuplive.com and tempe. Improv.com Holmberg's Morning Sickness. And I remember there was a kid in class who was a jock and he was dumb as a stump and he thought Haim was gay because he drew okay little artist crap and all that stuff because he didn't pay attention to the fact that Chaim was using his, his artistic abilities with stunning landscapes and beautiful structure drawings to get away with drawing naked people. Like my old brother in law did with his wife. Try that. I went when I went to Toledo for the super bowl, we stayed in Toledo and it was in Detroit. And it was at Big Dick Toledo's former. He produced a show for a guy named JR and we stayed at his condo that was empty. And I've never seen anything like this before or since. But he had a hot girlfriend and he had photo albums on his coffee table that you go through. And it's all there in Hawaii. They're in. Oh, this is nice. The Grand Canyon. Oh, look at there, at the Empire State Building. Oh, there's a snooch, like, up close.

[Brett Vesely]

In the photo album.

[John Holmberg]

In the photo album, like in their vacation pics. It's like if you went home to your parents, like that big secretary of that hutch that they used to keep all the family photos in. You're just going. And then all of a sudden, there's your dad's dad, Dick. That's what he kept it on. And she's posing and you just, you, you'd flip through the page and oh, there's like Thanksgiving 97. That's a door. There's. What was that? It's her mom. They look alike. Turn the page. Oh, there's her snooch. It was like, constant. And she was hot. And then you go over by the wall when you first walk in and you realize these aren't just. They're close ups of her nipples and they're huge blown up photographs of her boobs, which were super. She. If I recall, this is 2005, when I went back to that super bowl. That was February 2006. She was one of the first people that had, like, the serious lip injection thing going on. You know, it was a little bit, like, new at the time. Pretty great. So anyway, this one says, let's make it happen, John. The next painting that needs to be up for auction or hangs at the HH Ranch needs to be you and Brady Eiffel towering that teacher. Yeah, Mrs. Wilkinson. Well, I'll call. I, I. Can you get a hold of him if you're out there? If anybody knows? I mean, there can't be two Higham Sanchez's. I always remember he made me laugh all the time because his timing was ridiculous. With David Whitlatch sat next to me. He listens if you know where Haim is. It was ridiculous that he would, like, in the most poignant moments of class, you'd hear, oh, God, and he'd show you something that, you know, you could not, not laugh at. Like he'd drawn something horrific. The sheep.

[Brady]

Could he produce them pretty quick, like during class seconds?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it didn't. Yeah, there was no, like, the. The muse got him. And he would draw Mrs. Wilkinson as a sex sheep, and you'd never seen anything like it in your life, and you knew exactly what it was. And then he put these little, like, lines around her head to simulate their. Or that was the. The. The shaken lady. Roanna Larson. The shaken lady's head. And. But then she.

[Brady]

Pen and Charlie Brown on her back.

[John Holmberg]

With, like, dust symbolizing. Yeah, like you knew. But. But at least that was in. But when. Yeah, when Pig Pen's drawn, you see the piles around him. Her head was bobbing around, and then he. And with color, like. It took him, like, 15 minutes to fire off what he'd been thinking about with the agriculture teacher with a sheep's body and human breasts and a vagina.

[Brady]

Never got in trouble.

[John Holmberg]

I don't think so. If he did, I didn't look. I probably got in trouble because I was in tears sometimes at the things he drew. Matt Sullivan was the kid next to him that thought he was stupid and gay for the art thing. And he would draw Matt Sullivan, like, being a. Just an absolute idiot gorilla doing. And I don't remember details, but he would go. And I'm looking like, jesus Christ, he's right next to you. And he was huge. And I'd start laughing because Sullivan would be, like, eating a brick and, like, confused. We watched Matt drop a. An MM on the floor once, and his head started like cocker spaniel, like, turning, like, how am I ever gonna get to that? And he's reaching for it over the closed side of the desk, and his hand's, like, three feet from it. And he reached, and then he'd stop, and then he'd try the exact same thing again. And Haim and I were dying.

[Brady]

He's.

[John Holmberg]

That's the dumbest person I think I've ever seen. And then Hyen would draw him doing something ridiculous.

[Brady]

I pictured brick. I could see that.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Oh, no, you could. Like, if he was a talented young man. I hope he's doing well. Hi. If you're out there, I hope you're doing very well. You made me laugh a lot in seventh and eighth grade, but. Yeah. You knew Mrs. Wilkinson?

[Brady]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

He used to draw her detailed nude. I do not have artistic ability at all. I try to draw something. It's ridiculous, and it usually looks terrible.

[Brady]

It's like our buddy John Hoffman.

[John Holmberg]

Hoffman can do it in seconds, but he's got the excuse, too. He can draw naked people, and it's art. I do it, and it's perversion. Because you know where I'm coming from. But it's them too. There isn't an ounce of that moment in Titanic where Jack's painting her. That's beautiful. And then when you found out that James Cameron, director of Titanic, is the one who actually drew Kate Winslet naked. Pervert. And that's all that was. Everybody wanted to touch Kate Winslet at that time. She was hot and she got naked a lot. And Cameron charcoal arted her and then got credit for being such a talent. I'm like, that dude's a pervert. All he wanted to do was take a picture of her, and she wouldn't let it. So this way, she posed for him.

[Brady]

He got to stay in a room.

[John Holmberg]

With Kate Winslet for however long. She'd lay there longer. Then he included it in the movie. That thing got drawn way before that scene. He added that scene. So he did look. It was all a cover for his weird perversion to see her nude he had a crush on. It was weird. Completely and utter. If anybody's ever drawn you naked, they're weirdos. End of story. I posed nude for an artist. Like, yeah, the guy wanted to bang you. No, he's an artist. Come on. Would you pose nude for me? I'm an artist. You're a pervert. Yeah, you can see it. You can see it. If I wanted to be naked in a room with you, there'd be a reason. Idiots. Art is not. Oh, it's sexuality. Well, then stop throwing everybody naked, you weirdos. How come it's constant then, if it's not sexualized? It's just the human body and it's. Yeah, that's what we said about Playboy. And it's perversion. We know what it is.

[Brett Vesely]

Just him.

[John Holmberg]

Geez, is that high? I'm saying. Oh, that's Matt Sullivan. No, there's no way that's Matt Sullivan.

[Brett Vesely]

Maybe he's friends with Linkus and that's him.

[John Holmberg]

Geez, I hope he makes his next AA meeting. He's drinking water and coffee. That's definitely.

[Rick Glassman]

That dude.

[John Holmberg]

Looks like a guy who's confused about Eminem. What's that Eminem look, right? I'm related to Doug. You found him. That's the glory of social media now. It's like you've mentioned a guy and you can find him. Okay, okay. Didn't see that coming. There he is. All right. There's Matt Sullivan. How about that? He's the same size he was in Seventh World Travel.

[Brady]

Oh, really?

[John Holmberg]

Interesting. What?

[Brady]

He's got that.

[John Holmberg]

Where's My Eminem face still. Nice guy. I liked him a lot, but a couple times he did that thing about M M's, and I'm like, this is.

[Brett Vesely]

Confusing, and went to Dobson.

[John Holmberg]

That's him. There he is.

[Brady]

Hey.

[John Holmberg]

Looks pretty good, though, you know, he's not in the best shape ever, but good for you. There you go. Try to find Haim Sanchez. I don't know. J A. Yeah, I m e. It's Jaime, but I am. He called himself Higham, but it was kind of Jaime. I don't know. That kid was hilarious. We all remember those guys, but every. Isn't it weird how every school had the naked kid drawn kid, And a lot of them turned out to be the ones who were into, you know, like, Dio and stuff. And they would draw album covers with nude girls.

[Brady]

Dave Bull was. It was writing like a Conan the Barbarian.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

So everyone.

[John Holmberg]

That kind of stuff. Yeah, but that's common for the art guys that. Well, that heim used to do that, too.

[Brady]

He could draw a caricature, but he could do it of, like, if he drew you or a certain person, like, had another guy, our friend Andy Wilburger, and he could draw them in, like, five lines.

[John Holmberg]

Didn't take anything because it was Fred Flintstone. Yeah. He would make them very cartoonishly large. He man. He man big. And Iam did that, too. All the women had, you know, they were ripped. I had not seen enough. Like, I didn't know how he knew the details of a woman's vagina to draw it because he was in seventh or eighth grade. Right. So he didn't see him and have a memorized, but he could draw one. And at least from my perspective, it was pretty accurate.

[Brady]

Now imagine Michelangelo chiseling a marble penis.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Dude's into body.

[John Holmberg]

You're into it. You can't do that and not be into it. I know, I know. It's art. You're supposed to remove yourself from it. But come on. There's no possible way. Everybody had that friend that could draw the weird peepees and stuff. Did you find him? No.

[Brett Vesely]

I don't know how to spell it.

[John Holmberg]

That's a smart. That's the best part of it. You can't trace his perversion because his name's too hard to spell.

[Brett Vesely]

Man, you're pissing Douglas off this morning. First you start talking about musicals, now art.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Another letter on the way.

[John Holmberg]

Hey. When I was 15, I thought I had grown enough to get my own in my mouth, so I threw myself up in a. You know, a ball Douglas.

[Brett Vesely]

Typical twink.

[Marlon Wayans]

Gay.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. All right there at 758 Monty Circle. My bedroom TV going God knows, give me a break was probably on. Who knows? I was watching Nelson number one, Nell Carter. That was the first time I tried it and succeeded. Not the first time I tried it to Nell Carter. It wasn't to anything. I think I was smart enough to know if. Give me a break, son. Nobody's going to think I'm doing anything in there. Sun was kind of going down so probably about 4:35 o'clock and I just whipped over the edge of the Little Lawrence was in that. Whoa, give me a break I'm sure I deserve. And I threw it through the legs over the head and gave myself a try. And that was the first time I'm like, houston, we have contact. Like, yes. We're just a few short days away. And then I just kind of sat there like. But there is no possibility of momentum. I was close, Douglas. I was close to never having to worry about outsourcing that. And I'm telling you, man, if that day had gone 2 inches different.

[Brady]

Showtime.

[John Holmberg]

It would have been a whole. No, no, it wouldn't have been gay. There she is. This. This might. This might make me hard.

[Brett Vesely]

The older daughter was kind of hot, wasn't she?

[John Holmberg]

A couple of the dogs. The. Even the young daughter was a little bit okay and now was doing. Yeah, that was the hot one. Carrie Michaels. Not that one. Lori Hendler was not hot but that one, I kind of had a thing for her. The midd. That was Howard the Cop. Yeah. So yeah, that. Maybe it was that because that was. That was on from 4 until 5 o' clock on Channel 5 pretty much every day. And I would. I threw up. I threw my legs up over my head was Give me a break on and nobody would ever bust into a kid's room and give me a break song. My dad especially, like he's not jerking off for that. Maybe Matt Sullivan was, but I. Not me. Anyway, so if you're drawing wieners and you're drawing boobs, I'm on to you. You're not an artist. You're a pervert like everybody else. You know Bob Ross's house has a whole wing.

[Brady]

Draw the pirate and send your sketch in.

[John Holmberg]

Exactly. Has a whole scholarship. Bob Ross has a room of like artistic booby drawings because it's tough to get chicks when all you do is draw. Like you creep them out. That's Titanic.

[Brady]

They loved him too.

[John Holmberg]

That. Yeah. But they never got girls. The artist guys in high school and Junior high. They weren't getting no time tail. Yeah, Bob Ross never got chicks either. He got a girl and she was probably a hippie weirdo. You never got the hot girls. Mrs. Wilkinson would have married that. I, that's if I was match.com. those two are perfect for each other.

[Brady]

He got unlimited PBS tale.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, good. That's gross.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, think about the PBS audience.

[John Holmberg]

PBS tale. Yuck. Good band name, but yuck. Ted Simons here in town, probably getting a lot of PBS tail. A lot of those ladies in their late 30s that somehow have a lot of gray hair. They look like they've got horse manes for hair, big glasses. Talking about Ms. Wilkinson. Exactly. Yeah. So right now draw pictures of nudity. Like Todd Himes, the guy that does the paintings that I ask him. He's a pervert deep down. He said, you see the stuff this guy sends me for memes and things like that. He's crazy, he's funny. There's nothing about his very talented artist. Come on. And James Cameron got away with murder with that Titanic thing because that was just him wanting to bone Kate Winslet and getting away with doing dirty stuff. And wives of artists let them get away with that too. In fact, my ex, my ex wife's dad, my ex father in law drew his, his in laws, but he drew that Asian girl naked a couple of times. She posed for him and it was family, okay, because they're artists. He beat it to that in a big way. He was a bit of a perv anyway. But come on, you can't do that. I wish I could draw. That's all I do.

[Brady]

James Cameron did it because it saved money rather than hiring an artist.

[John Holmberg]

Sure.

[Brady]

Tight budget.

[John Holmberg]

Sure, that's.

[Brady]

I'll do it.

[John Holmberg]

That's it. And plus he had it drawn. He said, I've, I've been thinking about this. So I drew this of you and I'd like to include it in the movie. So they had wardrobe recreate what she had on and make it a. Make it a beautiful scene. Women find that. Look how that scene was so romantic. If it do. Think of what happened in Titanic that women considered romantic and then place it in reality. Imagine if you and Matthiah on one of your first dates, you're like, take your top off, I'm gonna draw you on the setting. And then she sprawls out on it and then you bone her in somebody's car. The women are like, oh my God, that was the most romantic thing I've ever seen. That's love Romantic. He drew her and then he. In the back of a car. Oh, my God. That was the most amazing. Nothing in Titanic was romantic. It was all bad. It was all, you know, dude was boning some rich girl like crazy and. And she's on the side the whole time. Women found that romantic. Reverse the roles of that. And it was a dude with some poor chick on the Titanic.

[Brady]

You're in first class. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And behind. Behind his wife's back he goes, finds some poor lady, draws her naked and in the back of a Model T. And women wouldn't have been thought, that's so romantic. Nuh. He's an asshole. I hope he drowns first. But Kate Winslet does it because it's Leo. All of a sudden they're swooning, there's tears. And all they did was fog up the inside of that Model T to know that he is just drilling her in there. Romantic. You people are nuts.

[Brady]

True love, bro.

[Brett Vesely]

True love.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Brett Vesely]

We've seen what happened at the end. Selfish broad. Wouldn't even let him on the damn door.

[Brady]

She set him up.

[John Holmberg]

Go home today. Go home today. After what, 100 years of being married? And just say, I've been quietly taking art classes and I wanted to surprise you with something romantic. Walk into the garage, set up an easel. Make her ask her. Take your shirt off and lay down. First off, that ain't happening. No woman is gonna do that for their husband at all. And we're trying to do some recreation of romance. See, here's my plan. I'm gonna draw a beautiful charcoal sketch of you topless. And then I'm gonna try to. In the back of the Lincoln. You're gonna get. She's not gonna talk to you for three days.

[Brady]

Are you doing that in Kingsford?

[John Holmberg]

In charcoal? Yes, I'm good at it. Of course, that's your medium. You are a Kingsford guy. But just tell her I want to create. I want to recreate the Titanic scene where you lay nude. I draw you and then I you in a car and feel romantic. They think it is then crazily perverted. It's the only great scene in Titanic. Except for when it's. No offense, Brett. When that Italian annoying kid gets hit by the smokestack. My favorite part of this. I love that. Oh, I hated that guy. The whole movie. I hated that guy. And then when that. And I was so satisfied when he took it. Luigi right on top of them bug gunk just got clunked by it. It was great. Was so happy when that guy died like Raven's happy. Oh, and speaking of, I thought I was kind of walked out when that happened.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Did you leave? Yeah. Yeah. We all could have walked out of Titanic before. We all know the ending. And then when it started to show me how much has changed, when I watch women crying and swooning at the car scene, I'm like, this was in Valley Girl and nobody cried yesterday. I thought I was kind of. I thought the. The Ravens hate love combination. My floating around after destroying the Ravens franchise had waned a little. And then I found. I sent it to you guys. I found someone filmed an eight year old boy watching the final kick of the game. And he breaks down in tears. And I'm telling you, I almost had to.

[Brady]

How it just had to register too. It's amazing.

[John Holmberg]

Amazing to watch an eight year old boy, emotionally damaged maybe for a year at least, standing there watching that kick sail right, knowing. I loved that. The joy in watching an 8 year old's life rumble. His little. 8 years had never seen that yet. That was. It was such a. It's like man on the moon kind of stuff. He had never. This was the first time he'd ever experienced that kind of heartbreak. And it's. And it's a lifetime now. That was the first one. He's gonna feel that a lot if he's a true sports fan or he's gonna quit on it. But that was.

[Marlon Wayans]

So where'd he go?

[Brady]

Ran to his mom.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, he ran right to his mom. And she coddled him. No dad in the room.

[Brett Vesely]

Started drawing.

[Brady]

It would have been the other way around. It would have been anger.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Brady]

With dad.

[John Holmberg]

Dad and him would have been tipping stuff over breaking TVs. He learned cuss words that day. But instead he stood in the center of the room. Mommy was filming it live, streaming it to go. This is gonna be my son's first experience with sports. Brilliant. Joy is gonna be so euphoric. And the kick goes right? And mom in the back goes, what the. And then the kid just. It was such a slow breakdown of his psyche as he just kind of realized he missed it. And then you just hear that first little and you're like, oh, it's gonna happen. The dam's breaking. And then like this. I don't think. And in a Lamar Jackson jersey. He's gonna need therapy.

[Brady]

It might seem crazy.

[John Holmberg]

Kids are sad. There's nothing better than a crying Ravens kid under the age of 10. No empathy.

[Brady]

I knew that was his dad holding the camera. You know why?

[John Holmberg]

Because it might as well been wearing a Nazi uniform. It's the same thing. I like to watch Raven's kids cry. Oh, I still have it. I still have it. It'll never die. Oh, the only thing it was not if he'd have hurt himself or something. I'd have been even happier. If you're like self harmed right there on. Oh, that would have been great. Just flipped out. Or maybe even just had like an eight year old cardiac arrest. That would have been even better. Like, and they got it. And then EMTs come in and have to defibrillate with my, you know, play school's my first little defibrillator.

[Brady]

Clear.

[John Holmberg]

It's got Mickey Mouse on it, you hear? Clear.

[Brady]

Aha.

[John Holmberg]

And it just zaps him. Oh, it was great. That little Ravens boy in his Raven's Nazi outfit standing there crying like, this is. This is better than D day.

[Brady]

What just happened?

[John Holmberg]

No, it was so good. Oh, that little boy crying. Oh. Anyway, I just brought it back again. Nudity and stuff. Let's get a Wake up song. It's Friday morning. Very busy Friday today. Let's get right to it and get the hell towards the weekend, shall we? 5 8, 5, 9, 800. You give us the Wake up song, we scream it together. It's 98 KUPD. Wake up. It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually.

[Brady]

No membership fee.

[John Holmberg]

I have heard enough of this for you. P.D. hornberg's morning sickness. You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. He's evil. Sitting right here. Come on. No, no, he's not. He's not evil. He's just a bit rude. Thank you, Thomas James Band, it's time to go. Friday morning. Time to get her going. And a lot of emails coming in about Douglas telling me that because I like Book of Mormons so much that I like all musicals and that makes me a homosexual. And he mentioned that. He said you probably wash all the feces off of your hands and your body. And Matt says. Sorry to take it back to Douglas's email, but just a quick question pertaining to something he said. He went on about how gay you are because you wash feces off of yourself. So in turn, that means that as long as you're covered in feces, you can't be gay. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. You're not gay if you. If you keep the feces on you, you're straight as an arrow. That might be it. Yeah, that's a good point. I'm not real sure how it all Works but says ask Douglas if he watches wwe. There's some truth to that being pretty gay. Like I've always said, there's a lot of. There's a lot of homoerotic stuff in that. Greasy, incredibly fit men smashing into each other all oiled up with her hair.

[Brady]

Speedo to speed up.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, Just tights. I could be gay. Another thing that's really gay that we don't like to talk about as straight men, and I'm guilty of it. I'm doing it today, is wearing shirts with dudes names on them. Like, I'm in a T.J. watts sweatshirt today. Like, I'm a big. Like, I have a closet full of other dudes clothes. Like, their names on it, not mine. That's kind of gay. But in the best possible acceptance. It's a manly gay. It's my team. It's my boys. So there's nothing you can do about that. Again, if something makes you gay, you're on a fine line. Also, people emailing about Titanic and how it's the least romantic thing ever, because it is, but women love it. This guy says 50 shades of gray is another one. John. Women loved that. They considered it romantic and amazing because it was rich. But now take the money out of it. And that dude's doing that stuff to Dakota Johnson in a trailer park. All that is is an episode of 48 Hours. That's very true. If you take the money out.

[Brady]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

50 shades of gray, basically, to me and a lot of young or older women like that, like, moms thought that was hot. Like, 50 Shades of Gray became mom porn. They made three movies out of it of this. And all it was was, if I have enough money, I can sexually abuse you to no end. And if we're not married, you're screwed. So the whole. The whole feminist true story. Oh, yeah. The whole feminist aspect of it. It's the most realistic thing ever. Feminist aspect was, is she marries Christian Grey and then takes him for half. That's the third one. But the first one, he just sexually abuses her over and over. And chicks liked it. It was theirs. But it was because he was a billionaire. You're allowed to do that with enough. Basically, the women were saying, if you had enough money, you're allowed. And to that, I applaud you because I agree again, I'd bone Oprah. It's not because I'm attracted to her. I get the money thing. I always understand that when you see some dude. And what do we. First thing, you. You never see a dude you know, that looks. Let's say Tripp comes in here and he goes, this is my new gal.

[Marlon Wayans]

My name's Julie.

[John Holmberg]

Julie, how old are you? 23. Oh, they're in love. It's love. You know what? They immediately think, wow, she's smart. And he's getting a nice kill trip. Good job. Needs are being met on both ends here. She's boning him. He's paying for it. The transaction is complete. It's very real. Yeah, I like that kind of stuff. I like those movies that had that. What people think is romantic until you look deeper into it, that Titanic is about as bad as it gets. As about as bad as it gets. And then you start, you know, try even singing that or saying that. So if you're telling a story about if any woman sat at a table and said, how'd you two meet? Oh, I was cheating on my husband with a homeless guy on a boat that sunk, and we fell in love and stuff. And then my husband, who had a ton of money, I hated him.

[Brady]

She's telling the tale after the fact. Yes, he saved her life.

[John Holmberg]

Well, no, we met 24 hours. And then in 24 hours, I was. I was having.

[Brady]

I knew he was the one.

[John Holmberg]

A sexual affair on a boat with a dirty, dirty homeless who scammed his way on onto this Royal Caribbean. I thought that was cool. And so I'd sneak out of the room with my husband. I'd start boning him on the side and everyone at the table swooning because this romantic story is so beautiful. When as Alex child emails him. So she's used to whore in a boat that sunk and survived. She didn't get on a lifeboat. Even think of that. She never even got on a lifeboat. She got a door now.

[Brett Vesely]

And she didn't give him any of the door either.

[John Holmberg]

All men watch that. All men watch that.

[Brady]

Selfish.

[John Holmberg]

There was a scientific where they break.

[Brady]

Down whether she could float.

[John Holmberg]

There would have been plenty of room. Scientific study on the doors on the Titanic that said, could Rose have lifted Jack onto that door and saved him? And the answer is yes. Now, how long nada survived bobbing in that cold night is. But he definitely had no chance with his chest being underwater the entire time. She could have saved him, but no, it's typical. That's exactly right. They won't save those things. Hate us. It's truth anyway. So that's why you always see that kind of stuff and you believe. Oh, I see. You get to that certain age where it's like, all right, I don't need this. It's time for transactions. Where is she? Hi, Julie.

[Brady]

Hi, Trip.

[John Holmberg]

I love you.

[Brady]

I like.

[John Holmberg]

I like. Okay, say it back.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And then she's got.

[Brady]

You're out on golf this weekend, trip? Yeah, I got a dance competition.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, look.

[Brady]

Cheer.

[John Holmberg]

The one thing I never described Bill Belichick as, through his coaching career, was happy. But for the last couple of years, every time I see him, I'm like, he seems joyous. And, I don't know. I'm not gonna place the elixir of the cheerleader he's dating on it, but I'm pretty sure she has something to do with it.

[Brett Vesely]

It's love.

[John Holmberg]

It's love. I'm not necessarily pulling back, going, that's the only reason. But, man, for about 30 years, I watched Bill Belichick not be happy. They called him the leader of the evil empire. The hoodie never had a smile on his face. Only time he did is when something bad happened. Like, he took joy in the misery of like. Like that jets thing. When he finally cracked a smile. When he found a loophole in clock management and killed the jets by making penalties and the clock would run, and he just did that weird, wry smile, and everybody's like, he got us now. It's like he's at a cheer competition. He's grinning. He's on Pat McAfee's show, Just Laughing. And I'm like, what's different in his life? He still coaches football. Doesn't seem angry anymore.

[Brady]

NFL's wigging out. He gets hired back.

[John Holmberg]

What a lady.

[Brady]

Got her on the sidelines.

[John Holmberg]

This one says, so, John, since you and your junos are gay now, maybe you can solve an argument I'm having with my friends. If it has boobs, is it gay? Well, I have a friend named Anthony who would argue with this. If you're getting orally pleased and realize that it isn't. It's a he, she. If you finish, does that make you gay? Nothing makes you gay. That is an unfortunate blowjob, Right? If you went into it knowing this.

[Brady]

Not knowing or knowing.

[John Holmberg]

Well, if you figure it out in the middle, I think sometimes you just have to run to the finish line, and then I'm going gay on that. They just die with that. What happened to just dying?

[Brett Vesely]

Finish that.

[John Holmberg]

No, it would be a tough one.

[Brett Vesely]

That's what I'm saying. That's gay.

[John Holmberg]

If you finish, you think you finish, you're gay.

[Rick Glassman]

All right.

[Brett Vesely]

I think so.

[John Holmberg]

Brett's one vote for finishing gay. Brady, I think you're Going to be the same. I don't know.

[Brett Vesely]

I mean, if you're in the middle of it and then all of a sudden. I also work on transmissions.

[John Holmberg]

What's he talking about? The hell's he talking for?

[Brady]

Sure, on that.

[John Holmberg]

I mean, if I understand what he's.

[Brady]

Saying, there's no talking. But you realize.

[John Holmberg]

Pipe down. When's the last time a woman said, I love floral orange? Right in the middle. Like, don't tell me your hobbies.

[Brady]

What kind of cars do you have.

[Brett Vesely]

Spitting on it or something? You know, I mean, you just notice.

[John Holmberg]

That maybe he needs a little lava soap for his hands. Like, those are filthy when you've been changing oil all day. Yes, there you go. Fingernails are all dirty.

[Brett Vesely]

That's gay.

[John Holmberg]

That's gay. If you see dirty fingernails. And then even if it's a girl, that's.

[Brady]

Oh, yeah, the name tag on us. Someone on his shirt says Roger.

[John Holmberg]

Maybe this lady from.

[Brady]

Wait a minute.

[John Holmberg]

This lady from Jiffy Lube isn't a woman. Are you just a fat fella? What'd you say?

[Brady]

I couldn't believe it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

I didn't know right off the bat.

[John Holmberg]

I have a couple friends who found out after they finished and knew in the middle, something's different, but it had transitions. And then one friend who got. Well, yeah, but we both have a couple friends who have done it.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And then found out one was impressed.

[Brett Vesely]

How big he was.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah. But it was after. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just typically. I feel like a king to me. That's just. That's. That's just gamesmanship on the other side.

[Brady]

You got me.

[John Holmberg]

Nice job. I still. I got.

[Brady]

Good days.

[John Holmberg]

I didn't realize.

[Brett Vesely]

I mean, if you didn't know until after you're done, then you didn't know. You know?

[John Holmberg]

Right.

[Brett Vesely]

But if you found out during.

[John Holmberg]

Man, that's a tough question. It's a.

[Brett Vesely]

It's a queer tough.

[John Holmberg]

It doesn't make you gay, though. It just makes the act gay. You do not go on now as a homosexual.

[Brett Vesely]

No, no, no. What if you liked it more?

[John Holmberg]

Well, then you're gay. Yeah, right.

[Marlon Wayans]

There you go.

[John Holmberg]

If you're like. That was a clear difference between a.

[Brett Vesely]

Man and a woman.

[John Holmberg]

And that was better.

[Brett Vesely]

Boy, Steve really gave me a good.

[John Holmberg]

If it makes you. Okay, here's what. Here's how you know if it makes you want to do that again.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, No, I think if you finish in the middle and, you know, I couldn't stay. I couldn't stay at attention.

[John Holmberg]

I'm not so Sure, I could either. But what if. Yeah, and that was the last.

[Brett Vesely]

That's just it. Yeah.

[Brady]

You never went back.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, we need Neil Degrasse Tyson. But he's. I don't think you're.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, if.

[Brady]

What if you all sudden went through all the way and then that was it?

[John Holmberg]

Well, if you.

[Brady]

Yeah, but if you found out midway through.

[John Holmberg]

But what if it was great, but.

[Brady]

You never went back?

[John Holmberg]

No, it's. But you think about it. What if you never physically went back, but sometimes on a lone pleasure, you think about it.

[Brady]

That's gay.

[John Holmberg]

That's gay.

[Brady]

Yeah. Gay thoughts.

[John Holmberg]

That's gay. Those are gay. That's why they call them that. Anyway, it's interesting. Anyway. To finish or not to finish.

[Rick Glassman]

It's rot.

[John Holmberg]

Finish or not to finish.

[Brady]

I disagree. Because if you think about football. Are you a football player?

[John Holmberg]

Well, that's not. That's not even close to the same argument. Because yes, you can go out and play football. Not necessarily professionally, but I can go play football. It's Schrodinger's gay cat is what we're dealing with here. That's very hard. At what point are you gay? And it's. It's. You're both simultaneously gay and not gay. Oh, it's very difficult.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

Thanks.

[John Holmberg]

This is Douglas's fault for emailing in the first place. Things like that.

[Brett Vesely]

Here's a good point here, coming up.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, boy, oh, boy. I gotta read these. Is it David Vasquez? He makes me nervous. It says doing it to yourself isn't gay. Doing it someone else is gay. Like doing a chick back door. That's not gay, but having it done to you is. Yeah, there's fine lines.

[Brady]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. That's one thing gay guys have over our wives is wives make it a lot tougher to go back there. Those dudes seem to be into it and it would be a lot better if they had the same mentality about that. Is this a gay conversation? Are we. Is this. Yeah, I think the rule is if you have to ask, is this gay? It's probably gay, right?

[Brett Vesely]

I would say.

[John Holmberg]

Interesting. Very difficult time to be alive.

[Brett Vesely]

I think if you're in a gay action and not trying to fight the guy off, it's gay.

[John Holmberg]

Well, the action is gay. Well, you are not.

[Brett Vesely]

I don't know if you're going along with it. You kind of.

[Brady]

Well, you didn't know until.

[John Holmberg]

Well, if you didn't know, that's something like what Brett's saying. Like, if you do figure it out, then the act becomes very Gay. But are. You are not gay unless you pursue it. From there forward, it's all dependent on your reaction after the fact. You had a gay thing, but that doesn't make you a gay person. Right?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

I mean, like if somebody's down there and then you look at the name tag, says Steve from New Deal User.

[John Holmberg]

That's your fault.

[Brett Vesely]

Then, you know, you're out.

[John Holmberg]

First off, quit picking up salesmen from car lots. And if you do nice work and if you still can't tell the difference between Steve the salesman and a woman.

[Brett Vesely]

Well, that's what this guy said.

[John Holmberg]

I didn't know.

[Brady]

Well, I didn't see the mustache right away.

[Brett Vesely]

Don't remember Bachelor Party when.

[Brady]

Sure.

[Brett Vesely]

But it's Tim. I also work on BMW.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's kind of hot. He's in there scrubbing. Anyway. Interesting. Yeah, it's. It's a hard time to be alive.

[Brett Vesely]

Matthew says I was. I was under the impression that you were gay. Only gay if you enjoyed it.

[John Holmberg]

If you. Yeah, but if you enjoy it and you try to want more of it, then, yeah, if you have that Crying Game shower after, afterwards, that's a good movie. That's a movie that makes you realize, oh, boy, we're all just. And Toledo, I think he's gay because he keeps going back to Ladyboy town like he's waiting for an accident to happen. You know, if you keep walking elbows up through a china shop, you might get away with it three or four times. But eventually it's gonna get you. You're gonna knock something over. Same thing when you go back to Ladyboy village that Toledo keeps traveling to and making more plans for two, three trips back there. Eventually it's gonna happen.

[Brett Vesely]

He's taking his son along too.

[John Holmberg]

That's no good.

[Brett Vesely]

No, that's what I'm saying.

[John Holmberg]

We're also worried about it. I'm not. I think it's funny. But I'll tell you the one time I had in 1999, when I worked at the Zone, the. There was a local publication. I don't remember what the name of it was, but I was on the COVID of it.

[Brady]

Echo.

[John Holmberg]

Echo. Echo magazine. I didn't know what it was. It was a gay magazine. I didn't know that. And I was fine with it. I was like, hey. And there I am on the COVID I'm like, I didn't know I was going to be the COVID boy. And then gay people started to call the station a lot, going, hey, what's going on? We're so happy. Kind of that. And I'm like, I'm thrilled it actually worked. We got a lot of people from it. So one of the listeners. One of the listeners said, hey, I want to, like, because I'm like, I'm not gay. I didn't know this was a gay magazine, but back then it was like I cared more. Like, what the. Like, I didn't know. And the guy interviewed me. He's like, so what do you think of this? I'm like, I don't care why you asked me all these gay questions. What the hell kind of interview is this? And then they put him like, oh, I see. I'm an advocate. So I was fine with it. And then a guy said, I'm going to take you to a drag show because you've never been. You're going to have the time of your Life. And in 99, it wasn't the same. It was, you know, like, these things are parties for women today. Like, you go up Copper Blues, Desert Ridge has drag shows, and they do it downtown, too. They have, like, every Sunday, and it's just chock full of broads. They love it. There's women everywhere. They're having, like, bachelorette parties and it's all women. And a couple of gays are in the back. Like, yeah, this is awesome.

[Brett Vesely]

Like back at the 80s and go to the Chippendale show. Now they go to these.

[John Holmberg]

They go to the male review. And the shows are pretty exciting. Loud and they're weird, but I don't get that, like, lip sync and other people's stuff in these crazy outfits. But it's all women. Back then, when this guy said, let's go, it was all gay guys. It was like this super gay. And it was in an old Taco Bell on Central. And they just, you know, you remember, I mean, it was a converted. It was clearly an old Taco Bell. There's like, you know the way pizza.

[Brady]

Had the bell front.

[John Holmberg]

Yes. The ones that are Pizza Pizza Huts, and they're still Pizza Huts, and you can tell they're Pizza Huts, but they're like an Asian garden.

[Brady]

Now.

[John Holmberg]

This was a Taco Bell, and it had no sign or anything else. And they just rented it out and they blacked out the windows. And you go in there and this little Asian one came up and kissed me on the head and left the lipstick prints and stuff. And I got to be honest with you, if I'd have run into that anywhere but there, I would have been like, she liked me. They told. They told all the performers I was straight. And man, oh, man, did they put on a show. And a couple of the big fat ones. I was like, all right, get your grubby paws off me at home. And then. But it was 90s. It was okay to say it then and then. But then the. The little Asian one came over, maybe five, three, doing a share song, and then broke into a Sammy Davis Jr. Which I really thought was neat. It was pretty darn good, too, but real cans, it was. It was a confusing moment.

[Brett Vesely]

Did you start having appearances at BS west when you're at the.

[John Holmberg]

No, I want to know. I wanted. I wanted to go back to that Taco Bell, though, see if that little fella was in there. Yeah, it's very. It was very strange, but back in the 90s, those things were. That was a super gay thing to do. Now it's women now. It's a place to pick up chicks. You go on Sunday at like 11:30 in the morning and Saturday sometimes, too. They pack that place. Women go crazy for these drag shows.

[Rick Glassman]

They.

[John Holmberg]

And I talked to the owner of the clubs, and they're like, man, that is a money machine. Like, they drink, they are there. They're there every week. The same ones. It's. It's nuts.

[Brady]

Gotta get a reservation a lot of times.

[John Holmberg]

Sometimes, yeah. But a lot of times it's big enough that they don't have to worry about. Like, you can just wander up and it fills up pretty good. It's crazy. Yeah. Think of it this way. If a gay dude was with a guy and found out she was actually. It was actually a girl, does that make him straight? Interesting twist there, Justin.

[Brady]

Most people right away would say no, right?

[John Holmberg]

So it doesn't make you gay if you're on your side.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

All right, so pound away on those things doesn't make you gay at all. Not even a little bit. And then this guy emails in about that Minnesota Ice shooting. I'm dodging this one like nobody's business. First off, I'm going to give you my unpopular opinion. I saw the wife of the person, the victim, that was shot in this Minnesota thing, and she went on camera and was talking, and I don't know how real it was, but, man, it just. It made me feel very Jussie Smollet about it. When she started to, in Minnesota, chant out, I can't breathe. I can't breathe. And I'm like, oh, those are trigger words. Up there in Minneapolis. That is going to be a beast of a thing. And whichever side you're on, I am on the Idea of listening to law enforcement, no matter how much you agree or disagree with them. So if you try to hit them with a car, you're wrong. And I also think that there was, you know, a little bit of an overreaction and possibly antagonistic behavior. But what I will say before I get into any of it is I watched a lot of stuff on the Internet yesterday of the various. And I did this on purpose. People that were screaming that this is, you know, murder, and this was horrible, and the woman wasn't going to hurt that guy and all that. I'm like, maybe you might be right. But then I went back on two occasions into that person's Instagram feed and just happened to venture back around Charlie Kirk's time to watch that same person talk about, well, if you. If you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes. And there were people who actually said, and I'm not like, on either side of this. I think both things can be true. But I'm looking at somebody who said, oh, if you're going to antagonize people, expect to get killed. You can't switch up just because your side's on the wrong end. I think. I think anybody getting killed in any situation that could have been avoided is bad. That's just where I stand. If I'm the empathetic human in this, you've got a problem. If you're sitting there siding with it because it's political tribalism, then you have to check yourself. I think you can look at this and say, that lady lost her control and lost her cool in a situation that could end up bad with a guy with guns. And you don't know that dude, he might be crazy. He might have been really bad at being an ICE agent. And then she did dumb stuff, at least from the video I saw, and then she overreacted and did something stupid. Then he overreacted, did something really stupid, and unfortunately, somebody died. I don't want to look at this as political. I want to look at it as, everybody calm down. Because this is going to. This is going to get. This is going to get dumb. Going to get real dumb. So I'm getting emails from people asking me. I just tell them, like, look, I think. I think again, once again, nobody likes that opinion. Nobody likes when I say that, when I think, like, woof, she didn't do it right, and he didn't do it right. And unfortunately, she died for it, and nobody deserves it. It's bad. But if you're one of those people that said, oh, Charlie, Kirk is trying to get people. They celebrated that. Just because this lady was doing stuff that might have been questionable doesn't mean she deserved it for sure. But she, you know, again, I'm a big one for sitting back going, the dude with the gun, I'm probably going to comply with him more often than not. And then later I'll complain like, these dudes shouldn't be here, and then I'll have my opinion, but I'm going home. I'm going to make sure I get home. I can disagree with why I'm being pulled over, why those people exist, what's going on, but I'm going home. So if he says, get out of the car, I'm like, ugh, all right. And if they frame me, they frame me. I don't think that's going to happen. But for the most part, I'm complying until. Because they're the ones with the weapons. But just kind of remember how you felt when the other side of the tribe had their thing going on, and then they overreacted and celebrated that thing like it was some sort of a, like they went, they, they politicized it all. It's going to get politicized.

[Brady]

And then more happens.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's going to Portland. Oh, yeah. No, it's not. It's going to be another. It's going to be another couple months of marches and crazy and God knows what the false flag is here. But I, I, I tightly close my eyes and just breathe out.

[Brett Vesely]

Ugh.

[John Holmberg]

Because it seems like it's so gray. It's something. Something. Check out homework's morning sickness [e-mail] Holmberg's Morning Sickness. It gave one side an argument and another side an argument. And if you stand in the middle, you're an idiot. And I stand in the middle. I'll take the idiot arrows all day long.

[Brady]

Well, let's all enjoy national law enforcement. Appreciate.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, exactly. That's a good. It's a good day to enjoy that cop. Yeah. Hug a cop today. I'm just, look, call me a coward, call me an idiot, but if, if I'm being, if a dude is sitting there telling me, hey, I need you to answer a couple questions, and he's like, full on iced up. I'm like, all right, I may not like it, but I'm going home. I'm going to make sure I'm going home, and then I'll. And cry about it all day long. You're not going to believe what happened to me. This is terrible. Blah. But you know what? I'm telling the story. And then there's people who are emailing in the. I didn't say. I said I was going to talk about it. Here I go. They're the. The conspiracy theories that it's all drummed up and fake and that, you know, there's going to be the Alex Jones. You know, they made this up so they could cover up all the things that they're doing in Minnesota with the Somalians. And they wanted you to have some sort of a martyr for that. She's a false actor. Then you get that going and they set this all up and made it look like somebody, and then they give. I am begging if that's true. I am begging whoever's in charge of that program to contact me. I will be your martyr and fake die on TV for the money. And then the witness. If that's real, if that's a real thing that Alex Jones talks about all the time, it's not even really dead. Dave Nash always talking about how all the. All Those planes in 911 were empty and they paid off all the people that they said were dead to have new lives somewhere else. I want in. Where do I sign up for this? This sounds. I can get millions of dollars to abandon me and say, oh, you will give you a new identity and a new life somewhere else. Like, there's that whole thing about the space shuttle Challenger where they've all found every one of the astronauts on it.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And they side by side them, and they've all got the same name. And it's like. It's undeniably odd, but I don't know how real it is. But I'm like, okay, where's my offer? Where's my Father Dale moment here? Brett Father Dale avoided me the whole time. Where's the thing that says, hey, we're a big. We're high. We're Conspiracy Inc. And we'd like you to pretend to be dead in a terrible situation socially, and we'll give you new identity and fly you off to Portugal and stuff like, okay, this. This fantastic.

[Brady]

If it ends up being true, then the celebrity dead island, the island of dead celebrities, is real.

[John Holmberg]

Right. And if. Well, maybe, yeah, if we got a bunch of Elvis and Tupac and they want. Why they do it? I don't know. Things seem to be going well for them. But for me, if Conspiracy Inc. Knocked on my door and said, we need you to pretend to get shot by an ice agent and it's going to cause this massive fear, but it's a political stunt to be a false flag. I'm like, yep, I'm in. Go. Go on. No more. How much do I get? Are you gonna get a million dollars? Can I bring her with me? No, just you. I'm like, she's gonna make a great widow. This is gonna be okay. The conspiracy theorists that think that, yeah, that think all this stuff is fake makes some sense. But I want in if it is real.

[Brett Vesely]

That's pretty uncanny.

[John Holmberg]

There's a few of these Challenger astronauts that they've gone out and found the older versions of them. And it gets a little weird. It gets a little bit where they almost all have the same name. They're doing the same jobs that would have been done by these engineers and these astronauts after the fact. I don't necessarily believe that the Challenger was an empty vessel that they blew up, but when you go out and find, you know, there's an Asian dude and a black dude, what's the joke on when they're walking to a bomb, they walk into the space shuttle Challenger. But I want in on this. I'm taking a different route than whether or not it is. If it's real, I'm your huckleberry. Where is it?

[Brett Vesely]

Would you do it?

[Brady]

So in general, just looking at that, when Brett put up those pictures of the Challenger astronauts and before, if you. If you went to AI and say, give me an older version of this person, well, you have to create this whole thing.

[John Holmberg]

All right? It's a lot easy.

[Brady]

I wouldn't be.

[John Holmberg]

But it's been. It's been going on way before AI.

[Brady]

I know, and there's more to it.

[John Holmberg]

And who knows? But all I'm saying is, if that does exist, someone out there knows it. Get him in touch with me. I'm all in.

[Brady]

And it comes back to why to shut down the space program. You know, what was the reason someone else wanted the money?

[John Holmberg]

Protection. Yeah. No, it's never a hit. It's always to false flag us to pay attention to something while other things go on. And then we're all focused in on the space shuttle Challenger and, oh, my God, the space program is that blah, blah, blah. And then something weird is happening somewhere else. This guy says, john, the reason you've never been contacted as a part of a conspiracy is because you're a loudmouth. Little do you know, Brett's already involved several conspiracies. That dude knows how to zip it for the right price. Consider it zipped.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, I don't know about that.

[John Holmberg]

Nowadays, you wouldn't do it.

[Brett Vesely]

They would just kill you.

[John Holmberg]

Now, I don't know, the.

[Brett Vesely]

Too much cameras out there, and then.

[John Holmberg]

The family can sue and stuff like that. You know what I mean? And they're going to give that money out and everything else, but they want, like, if the conspiracy theorists are right, you know, and this was all fake and these people agreed to die and, you know, the 911 planes were empty, and these people.

[Brady]

You're going to dupe your entire families. As long as you're good with that.

[John Holmberg]

Okay?

[Brady]

Create that drama there.

[John Holmberg]

Start over. You get a new name. I'm. I'm now Thomas James, but I don't have the band. And I live where. Yeah, I'd have to make it worth my while. I'd sit down, I'd negotiate. Like, look, I'm not gonna live in Baltimore or anywhere near it. I still get to be a Steelers fan. My new name. I have to live somewhere great. And I need some land. I like space. I don't want to be in a condo somewhere in, like, Manhattan beach, you know, fighting the hordes and going to work every day. You're gonna make this easy for me.

[Brady]

A couple of those guys are like, so it gets me out of my marriage and.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Brady]

You're clear to that.

[John Holmberg]

You kidding me?

[Brady]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

I mean. And I get to take bus and Jack Ham with me. I love my other dogs, too, but those two are.

[Brady]

What about the dogs?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I love them very much. They're in good hands. I know they're in good hands, but that would be a tough one. We'll get you a new bus and Jack Ham. Like, I don't know if you can replace them. And I love Yards and Gordon and Frankie, but they're in good hands. I just know that the scoop up of Bus and Jack Hammer when I go on my new life, my. Who do you know, Brett, in this witness relocation. I want in. I want to be Witness, and then I want to be relocated. And by the way, it would be great for the station. It would be great. John Holmberg murdered in some political thing, but it's fake. I don't want to be. I don't really be a martyr. Don't get me wrong here. Don't. Don't take my words for the. For reality. I don't really want to be martyred. I want to be the one of them pretend ones that conspiracy theorists think happen. If this guy said, I told you the cards in the mail. You'll get your QR code to sign up for which kind of Conspiracy you're up to be a part of. Would you do it? Brett helps us hide the bodies all the time. Signed, Greg. Yeah, I would. And Brett, I, I, if I found out, if I showed up at one of the meetings and you're like, hey, what's up? I'm like, you son of a bitch. How long has this been going on? You didn't trust me. I would absolutely get it. So you wouldn't do it. You'd stay. You wouldn't be the martyr, the fake martyr and then live a life?

[Brady]

Yeah, I don't think so.

[John Holmberg]

How much? 20. 20 million.

[Brady]

Okay. Yes.

[John Holmberg]

He's either. Every man's got a price. You would do it?

[Brady]

I, you know, wondering probably not what you think. You're like, oh, I'm going to be in this great place.

[John Holmberg]

Negotiation, Brady. It's negotiate. Hey, tell me right now that New Jersey or Scottsdale, they put you in better places. The mob was great. They put you in. They didn't move you over to, like, Hoboken. They got you to a new spot. The government basically said, if you help us out here, you're going to Scottsdale, you're going to go to Vegas, you're going to be a nice. You're leaving, but you're not living or you're going to go to a better place. If you end up in Toledo, I'm like, no, I won't do this for you. And then you got to give me money to shut up a low profile place. Because once you're in that thing, if you say no, then they're just going to kill you. This guy says, you dummy. Everyone will see you on the kiss cam at a Steelers super bowl party. Well, at least the Steelers are in the super bowl party. That's worth dying for, too.

[Brett Vesely]

He'll never make it in Heidi with that shiny head and Juno's.

[John Holmberg]

All right, all us balds look alike, for God's sakes. How many times do you people shiny head and Juno's send over.

[Brady]

You're gonna end up in Boca.

[John Holmberg]

Look, every time there's a mug shot of a bald guy, it gets sent to me going, hey, Hornberg, I saw you on the news last night.

[Brett Vesely]

How many Brady's do we get?

[John Holmberg]

Eggs. Exactly. Brady'd be a great one. I got my buddy Jim Manley said, I'm on a plane. I'm sitting next to a Brady said, I remember you saying on the air that there are tons of these. And I said, what, what barbecue festival are you flying to? And he started laughing. He goes, nashville I'm like, yeah, yeah, you're going to a barbecue. Yeah. If it is a conspiracy, and don't get me started, conspiracy people. Because I know what's coming. The Mossad, Israel, all this stuff, you know, the Bilderberg Group, the Rockefellers. I've seen it all. I've read it all. It's a lot. If it is a conspiracy, all I'm saying is I want in. I don't want to be Alex Jones. I don't want to reveal it. I want in on it. If that's the way the world's been working, where's my offer? Because I'm your guy. You're a loud mouth. I don't have to be.

[Brady]

Oh, when something comes up, we'll let you know.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, put me on a list. It's kind of like on Waymo. I'm on the do you want to drive on the freeway list.

[Brady]

You find out like it's a ten year waiting list.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it's real. It's real. Oh, man. Then I'd have a problem keeping it quiet. Like five more years. Till what? You shut up. You. You'll figure it out. You're not gonna be around if I say goodbye to you a little too much. I think John's gonna kill himself. Like, no. And then the next thing. That would be the problem. But I martyr me for that.

[Brady]

John's been going on a lot of protests, folks.

[John Holmberg]

If the conspiracy theorists are right, I want in. Not on uncovering, on continuing the conspiracy. I want to help it. This is. I wonder what Brett's first life was like. How lucky he was that he was placed in Phoenix with a job on the radio. They really tried to hide him by putting on overnights for 12 years. That is weird when you think about Brett's life. Nobody in radio, nobody body.

[Brady]

What's this?

[Marlon Wayans]

Nobody?

[John Holmberg]

Nobody. Yeah, he's got a scar. And I said nobody in radio happens ever has agreed to a dozen years of overnights.

[Brady]

Who's checking on overnights?

[John Holmberg]

No one. Everyone who's ever done overnights and rain Tripp said that to me a long time ago. What's the deal with Brett Vesley? I'm like, overnight guy. Good dude, great guy. Like him a lot. How come he doesn't want to move away? And my brain broke? I don't know. I think he just loves CUPD and Phoenix. No one. And he said the greatest phrase. No one loves overnights that much. What's his story like? You got me. I don't know. He. He in the daytime. I think he works on RVs. This was back. I wasn't sure you were still doing that. What? What? Why doesn't he try to move out of that position? And my dumb Pollyanna ass was like. Well, Brett loves.

[Brady]

He loves RVs.

[John Holmberg]

He loves KUPD so much that he's willing to. No one. No one. Does he have any ambition at all, Like, I don't know. Never thought of it. I guess you're right. Like, no one likes to do that. Find anybody in radio who's done overnights for longer than you did, you might have the record.

[Brady]

There's only one. The one guy in Milwaukee at this country music station.

[John Holmberg]

Overnights.

[Brady]

Overnights. And he was into it. And that's. And you're not that guy. This guy was just.

[John Holmberg]

But how long he was around.

[Brady]

I mean, 13, 14.

[Brett Vesely]

I was 13 years.

[John Holmberg]

That's nice. God, it is weird when you think.

[Brady]

And he didn't want to go out. This is perfect. I love Mark Stack.

[John Holmberg]

How you doing?

[Brett Vesely]

How you doing?

[John Holmberg]

Interesting. Well, I think that you're in the. You're on the short list of record holders for.

[Brett Vesely]

I gotta be.

[Brady]

It's gotta be up there. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And never once did you send a resume to, like, Houston or Charlotte or anything.

[Brett Vesely]

I don't want to be one of those radio gypsies.

[John Holmberg]

You'd rather do overnights?

[Brett Vesely]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

This is a witness relocation. Hey, get me in.

[Brett Vesely]

Because. No, because then you wind up in, like, Tucson.

[John Holmberg]

Right, right. No, I know. It sucks.

[Brett Vesely]

Pigs Knuckle, Arkansas, or something like that.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you'd love pigs. Yeah, you meet a bunch of your own. Okay, it's Brett Fesley on W. Pig's Knuckle. We. We got some shinedown coming up to complain about things. Hey, give me a call on the Pig's Knuckle hotline. And then the phones are like, how you doing? What are you doing here in Little Italy? Brett's phone line. We're doing Tireless. Oh, I heard you on the air today here in Pigs Knuckle. How you liking it? I'm. I was born here. Well, you. So was I. Yeah, that's what I figured. Anyway, what day were you born? Last Tuesday. Yeah, it was last Friday. Anyway, welcome the Italian American center at Pigs knuckle. There's about 6,000 people in it. You'd be thrilled to go to that kind of stuff. You are in. And all I'm asking, I want you to reveal it. Rub your nose like. Rub your nose like those people do. If I can get in on this, I want in. I watched the Sopranos Brett.

[Brady]

Shout out to the earner of the week.

[Marlon Wayans]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

They wouldn't be that obvious. They'd keep it much quieter than that. See, that's the key.

[Brady]

Doing great.

[John Holmberg]

They had the Jew and Sopranos that helped out Tony. Hesh.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah. You gonna be my hash?

[John Holmberg]

Let me be Hesh. Let me in. If Sammy the Bull's out there, and I know he is, I want in. I want it. Can I turn state's evidence even though I don't know anything? All I want is a chance. If these conspiracy. The conspiracy theorists think that they're figuring the world out. I'm on the other side. I want in on the conspiracy side. I want to be one of the conspirators, not one of the unravelers. That's dumb. You're going to get shot. I'm going to get money. Everybody's thinking of it wrong. Alex Jones is right. Joe Rogan's got this figured out. The government's against us.

[Brady]

Okay?

[John Holmberg]

I want in. We're not going to beat him. What's the old saying? Can't beat him. Join them. I'm in. If you. If somewhere out there there's a meeting at like 10. I'll leave early if there's a meeting. As we have a big conspiracy we're drumming up here. We'd like some. I'm in now.

[Brett Vesely]

It's where all the other morning shows are going after.

[John Holmberg]

Maybe that day. Maybe that's where these idiots go. If they travel around with shows in St. George, Utah, nobody. What the hell?

[Brady]

Is that actually in the studio?

[John Holmberg]

No, sometimes they're not. I'm gonna go talk to them today and say I want him. I'll pretend to be a NASA astronaut. And there he is, the first media member going into space and just be waving. I'm going into the Challenger. And then the problem would be I'd giggle. Do you drink and tell stories? I'm pretty good at drinking, not telling stories. I'm good. I'm good. Fit him for an astronaut suit. Let's get him up there. Blow me up. On the way to the moon. I'll play pretend that I would have a hard time. Not like Colin Brady and. Or like haunting him and stuff. And they're like poking my head up in his window at night. And I saw John again last night. I would giggle my ass off.

[Brady]

He's alive. I'm terrified.

[John Holmberg]

And then you go nuts trying to unravel the conspiracy that I got paid well for. You're on the wrong side of that. My man cave in. I'm already willing to bow down to AI as our new overlords and they're not even close yet. But I am prepping for it. I am not going to fight it. I'm not Metallica. I'm Napster. The better idea is getting my attention and that conspiracy world, but that's what that is. The emails that I'm getting that are most troubling to me are the people who think that thing that happened in Minnesota was all a false flag. And it makes sense if you rationally think about it. But if you've tribalized it politically, the middle wins because now you're just going to be distracted and everything around you will go crazy. Keep a level head is what I'm saying. That lady was wrong for going crazy and paid a way too high a price for doing it. That's really all we need to say. But everybody wants to say I shouldn't have been there. Maybe you're right, but they were. It's kind of like saying weed should have never been illegal, but when it was, you knew it. You shouldn't have had it in your pocket. It's just rational thinking. Sometimes it makes you feel weak. But I want in there. I want in. And I just don't give the government enough credit to put up false flags that cleanly this often. Conspiracy theorists seem to think it's happening all the time. Meanwhile, they can't get anything done. Everything they're doing is a conspiracy. And they're that clean about it. I went in on that, too. Why am I climbing this ice mountain every day to try to get to the top if they've got it figured out and all they have to do is fake us out every day and do it cleanly. I don't think it's happening. I just don't. Would you do it? What they say? You want to be a fake astronaut or you want to get shot by ice? We'll give you some money and get you out of here. Just can't see anybody again.

[Brett Vesely]

I'd want. I'd want the. The travel itinerary.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I want some assurances. Yeah. Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

You know, I'm not gonna end up.

[John Holmberg]

In Ohio or anything. Yeah, I've been there. Brady says he wouldn't. And why wouldn't you?

[Brady]

Because I don't think it's what you. As good as you think it is. I don't think it's a actually. Well, because you're. There's too many people in my life that would. That would be affected and especially for me. I'm not ready to, like, say I'm done with everybody, you know.

[John Holmberg]

You know, you can still keep an eye on them and stuff.

[Brady]

It's a reset. I'm not. You know, there's parts are like.

[John Holmberg]

Well, you know, what they do for witness relocation people, though, is, like, when their family or their parents, like, start having illnesses. You get to go see him one last time. And under, like, cloak and dagger.

[Brady]

You.

[John Holmberg]

Can do that kind of stuff.

[Brett Vesely]

I look at it as like, if I won the Powerball.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

I'm gone. I'm changing my phone number. Nobody's ever gonna hear from me again. Family, friends, goodbye.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Cause you don't hang around with us. Poor broke bitch. Yeah.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

If you make $1 billion, peace out. If you make more than 25 grand a year, you're not hanging out with any of the promo kids anymore. They're brutal.

[Brady]

You're finding a whole new batch that's equally yoked close.

[John Holmberg]

Get a new batch. Challenge yourself. I went in on this. Conspiracy theorists. I hope you're right. I don't want to be on your team. I want to be against it. I want to keep propagating conspiracy. I think they're great. And if that's fake, that's even better news. That that lady's still alive and this never really actually happened. It's just for us to go crazy. I'm happier that way. That seems like a better world. But if you're in on it, Conspiracy, Inc. If you're out there, 585-9-800, I'm your guy. And it's not even. It's not even gonna be like, a long meeting. I won't waste your time. Tell me what you need me to do. I'll give you a couple of locations. I wouldn't mind living in Vegas. You want to put me in Florida, South Carolina, Hawaii. I'd even go to, like, Spain. Portugal, something like that. England. I'm all in, fired up. Let's get it together. You know, and you create. You know, you create victims back here who are sad that you're gone, but they'll get over it. I'm not that important to anybody. I really am.

[Brady]

Well, and that's why most of the time, they look for candidates that like, okay, what would be an easier person to step away?

[John Holmberg]

The nihilist in me knows none of us are that important. Everybody will get over it if you disappear. It's sad. You're gonna leave a hole in a lot of people's lives. We'll be all right.

[Brady]

They'll get over it.

[John Holmberg]

We'll be all right. Plus, you know, you start taking all that, you know, sorrow, poon and stuff like that on pity poon starts rolling your way.

[Brady]

But you hear about ones that were like, we're in it as far as the witness relocation or something. Yeah, like Frank's uncle.

[John Holmberg]

Well, Frank's uncle.

[Brady]

I'm done with this.

[John Holmberg]

Quit. Yeah, he was dummy, but he wasn't a big name. They just kind of. They needed him to stay away for a while. And as that turns out later, Frank's Uncle Phil, who went into witness relocation and kind of came back, the dude that was going to get him went away so he felt safe to do it. Sammy the Bull's the real brave one. Yeah, he just. And Henry Hill was the other one. They just didn't care anymore. Anyway, Brett's another one.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about.

[John Holmberg]

Brett Vaseli, we call it Vesley amongst the people. What do you got on the big board of Musical Treats over there, Burt?

[Brett Vesely]

Wake up. Song is coming at you right now, and I got a ton of stuff here. The warning. More Jimmy Page turns 82 years old. So somebody requested Zeppelin, Ozzy, on the list. Rammstein, Mammoth, Van Halen, Hot for teacher, for Mrs. Wilkinson.

[John Holmberg]

Full beat.

[Brett Vesely]

Motley Crue, Shout out to Devil for the Book of Mormon, Pantera, Metallica, I Prevail, Suicide Silence and Disturbed.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

No Dave Matthews. No.

[Brett Vesely]

The Hippies are still sleeping.

[John Holmberg]

Is it his birthday?

[Brady]

It is on Saturday.

[John Holmberg]

All right. Not interested. Man, that's a tough one to say that Jimmy Page is 82. That means we have to do cashmere. That is a. A legend of music that must be acknowledged on his 82nd birthday, because God knows how many more of those.

[Brady]

Boy, the.

[John Holmberg]

The argument that you're not going to live very long if you do drugs and live a life like that sure is going out the window. Look at Aerosmith and Zeppelin and the Stones. And these dudes are living way past an expiration date of what we all thought and keep. And they're healthy like Jimmy Page and Mick Jagger are healthy. How old is Robert Plant? He's got to be right behind him.

[Brett Vesely]

I'll put it in.

[John Holmberg]

Geez Louise. 80.

[Brady]

I think he's younger than Jimmy Page, but he's close.

[Brett Vesely]

77.

[John Holmberg]

He's 77? Yeah. Anyway, it's Led Zeppelin. I love this one.

[Brady]

Also. Let's see if you guys. Phil Lewis. He's 69 today. All right.

[Brett Vesely]

Wait, I know that name.

[Brady]

La Gun singer.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, no, that doesn't count.

[Brett Vesely]

Never mind. I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

It doesn't count. Absolutely doesn't count. And also, Puff Daddy took this, so it's a double tribute. And that Godzilla movie, Remember that? Actually kind of a cool cover. It's Led Zeppelin for Jimmy Page's 82nd birthday. Yikes. It's cashmere. 98. It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually.

[Brady]

No membership fee.

[Marlon Wayans]

I have heard enough of this.

[John Holmberg]

Morning sickness. You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. He's evil. Sitting right here.

[Marlon Wayans]

Come on.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, he's not evil. He's just a bit rude. 98, can you. We're ready to go. Brady's about to give you all that news that only Brady knows. We call this the Beretti Report, and it's brought to you by our [e-mail] the Shade well, look, those skies are blue again. We have two days of rain and then it comes back and everything's clear. You're going to want to sit outside in this glorious weather, maybe start one of those outdoor fires again. I told you yesterday I was reading about a real estate thing. Talking to Hopkins about it, too. The number one thing people want when they're looking for a house now on their buying list is outdoor living space. And that basically means they want, in Arizona, a room they can be comfortable in outside. If you've got a great patio and it's not getting utilized properly, you can add value to your place by calling allprochade.com it's basically like adding on a room to your house without actually going through all that expense. It's incredibly affordable and the work is awesome. It's also retractable. Those motorized things are unbelievable. Get the blinds, get the glare off your TV. Make an outdoor space perfect with all pro shade.com Brady reported.

[Brady]

Good Friday morning to Phoenix.

[Brett Vesely]

Hello world.

[Brady]

We've made it.

[John Holmberg]

Hi again.

[Brady]

Happy National Law Enforcement Appreciation Day and happy Quitters Day.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, this is the weekend for people bailing on the reservoir.

[Brady]

2% of 20, 26. This is a good time to quit.

[John Holmberg]

Your workout, your diet, your resolutions. Go until 10, 12 days in. They said this is the weekend that everybody screws it all up.

[Brady]

The second Friday.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's hard. You're back to work. You're kind of like in the old thing.

[Brett Vesely]

I got a buddy, it's a big gym guy and he doesn't go to the gym for the first month of January. He's like, no, I'm not going. Yeah, let all the idiots get out of there. And then I'm back.

[Rick Glassman]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. February, middle of February, they all disappear again. For sure. You've lost all of them by now. You're losing little bits, but. And maybe a few kind of hang on and make a new lifestyle. But it is rare, right?

[Brady]

A couple of basis fun facts. Theodore Roosevelt's daughter Alice had a pet snake named Emily Spinach. Because it was as green as spinach and as thin as her aunt Emily.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, wonderful. That's why I make resolutions, Brett, that I know if I can't keep up with them, it's no big deal. Like this year my resolution is to litter more. So far I've been doing good. Threw a couple of wrappers out the window yesterday. Feeling pretty good about it. Threw a Coke can out driving down McDowell. Fantastic feeling, by the way. It's like almost having Tourette's. It's like a release valve. I'm not littering a lot, but I'm littering more than I've ever littered. And that's my resolution. If it fails, probably a good thing. I'm not gonna say I'm gonna work out. I'm gonna gain 14 pounds of muscle by December. That's not gonna happen. But this littering thing, instant, it's. And the gratification is amazing.

[Brady]

In 2001, MTV taped a pilot called dude this Sucks where two 13 year old girls were sprayed with poop.

[John Holmberg]

Yuck.

[Brady]

There was a lawsuit. The pilot never aired. They weren't part of the show, that they were standing up by the stage where it was being taped.

[John Holmberg]

Two performers pooped on friendly fire. You went to a show where people pooped and you got poop on you and you complained. Did they know there was going to be poop? Did they give them a. I'm not.

[Brady]

Sure that on this pilot, I'm not sure the dude this sucks.

[John Holmberg]

Did they get a Gallagher plastic protective sheet?

[Brady]

Well, two different shows. This was a one that was a separate pilot called Dudes that Sucks. Yeah, the other one they're talking about, it wasn't part of that one.

[John Holmberg]

What are we talking about dude, this sucks for?

[Brady]

Because the two girls were sprayed with poop. It was a different occasion.

[John Holmberg]

Then why did we even bring up the first show?

[Brady]

Because they wanted to say they weren't part of the show. That they were standing.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that. No, no, they were part of the show. They weren't on the stage. They were in the audience of dude, this sucks.

[Brady]

Gotcha. Okay. I thought it was two different shows.

[John Holmberg]

No, we gotcha. We're covering It.

[Brett Vesely]

I'm sticking with last year. Four day work weeks. Four day work weeks.

[John Holmberg]

That's your resolution? You're going to fight tooth and nail to make sure Brady doesn't have to work through a Friday.

[Brady]

The ancient Egyptians had proctologists.

[John Holmberg]

Sure they did.

[Brady]

The ancient Egyptian word for proctologist translates to shepherd of the anus.

[John Holmberg]

Yep, they sure were. There's the band name. Shepherd of the Anus. If I don't see you on a marquee over. If I'm driving down the 202 by that river Robbery marquee theater and I don't see that up there. Shepherd of the anus in between. How often Christy Kriski 6 is there and I don't know how it was Christopher Shane there again this weekend?

[Brett Vesely]

I think so, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And then the. The. The Flock of Seagulls cover band that's there every once in a while. Shepherd of the Anus. I would be front row or back row, as it were.

[Brady]

2000 people were asked to name the top ways they're trying to live a more analog life in 2026. Dumb couple were using an actual notebook for notes.

[John Holmberg]

Dumb.

[Brady]

Reading books. Not E reading.

[John Holmberg]

Dumb.

[Brady]

Using a paper calendar.

[John Holmberg]

Dumb. We've tried that for three years in a row. And by June, it just sits on June.

[Brady]

It still says January.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's Larry's the only one that sticks with it. Yeah. He still uses the paper, but the analog thing. And he does. He takes notes with his hands during meetings.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

His handwriting's still strong. And I get tired. If I write two sentences, my hand starts to, like, fall off.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

There's nothing wrong with, like, doing your phone last. But don't give up all the creature curve. That's like saying, I'm gonna live a life without air conditioning. It's better. But don't, you know, don't overdo it and set it to 55. And pay an exorbitant bill playing physical.

[Brady]

Games like board games and puzzles instead of video games.

[John Holmberg]

No, you put those. They make those board games for your tv. Then there's no setup or cleanup and everybody's got their own controller.

[Brady]

It's just smarter using an alarm clock. Not just the one on your phone.

[Brett Vesely]

Nope.

[John Holmberg]

Things are pointless.

[Brady]

Wearing a watch. Not a smart watch like a regular. A dumb one.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

That's a fashion thing.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I agree.

[Brady]

Yeah, that's what the comments said. Not me.

[John Holmberg]

That's you. Why do you do that? Why do you do that? No one knows where you got it. That's what you said. I didn't write that.

[Marlon Wayans]

Yeah.

[Brady]

It worked.

[John Holmberg]

You know, not sort of. I guess what worked was that you said it was someone else.

[Brady]

The other list. Right.

[Rick Glassman]

See?

[John Holmberg]

I told you wrong. Yeah, go ahead. You screwed him up. What happened? You just threw that story away.

[Brady]

Japanese insecticide company holds a memorial ceremony for bugs killed by product. I was in another list. I knew it would bore Brett.

[John Holmberg]

Here we go with crotchety Friday.

[Brady]

Brady, you could edit this before we do the segment. Maybe I did.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Brady]

Gotcha.

[John Holmberg]

Well, he's not wrong.

[Brady]

Thanks for showing it.

[John Holmberg]

God bless you. I will tell you one wrong to throw this out. Hobbies that seem to attract kind people. If ever you have crochet and pottery on a list, Brady, you should edit that out. Bird watching, beekeeping, hiking, woodworking board gaming, gardening, bonsai. There's nothing good in this at all. That was a good one to skip. But you made us curious.

[Brady]

Thanks for cover.

[John Holmberg]

Well, yeah, but you started to read it. You started to read it. You started the story like. Well, that's where the curiosity came from.

[Brady]

So this insectic insecticide company in Japan has drawn global attention after holding memorial service for insects that died during product testing. They started this company in 1892, and out of respect for all the insects that they wipe out using their product, they. They do a memorial every day.

[John Holmberg]

They tip a little out for the homies. That sounds like a very Japanese thing. That's very nice. I don't know why you made it racist, but I thought it was a. A clever marketing.

[Brady]

How did I make it race?

[John Holmberg]

Not you. Him. Calm down. It's trouble at home.

[Brett Vesely]

Fires.

[John Holmberg]

So fired up for.

[Brady]

You know what? I'm fired up because it's time for some science news.

[John Holmberg]

Good cover. Wow. I didn't say you made it racist. Toledo chimed in. No one likes that anyway. Especially when he gets racist about it. You're bringing it.

[Brady]

Hello, my friends. Professor Brady Bogan here with your science news. Four astronauts on the space station are coming home a month early after one of them had a. Some sort of serious medical issue. NASA hasn't given a ton of details because of privacy. Privacy concerns. They say the astronaut's stable. It's the first evacuation in the space station's 25 year history.

[John Holmberg]

I wonder what Nash is going to say about that. Wait, they have to come home because something went wrong.

[Brady]

One of them's sick.

[John Holmberg]

So bringing four back.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Mm. That is a. That's an std. That is an std. And guess what? Let's say the four of us are floating around in the space station, right? And Sounds kinda gay. It is a little guy. And then Brady goes, I gotta go back. Like why? I think I got the hep C. Hey guys, I think I gave him the hep circle. And then you two go, we have to go back too. That means either I'm banging them or Brady's banging. They all started having four way sex, which is inevitable up there in that thing.

[Brady]

Or someone's quarantined.

[John Holmberg]

No, you don't get four of them gone over a cold. That has to be something that they spread socially.

[Brady]

Space aids.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Space age. Possibly social diseases that are bringing them home. Because that basically. And then they started fighting, going, I didn't know you were banging Toledo too.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, got caddy, huh?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

That's what I think of you. Put broads in space, it's inevitable.

[Brady]

A study on dogs found that some are smart enough to learn words just by eavesdropping on their owners.

[John Holmberg]

If it leads to food, dogs pick it up.

[Brett Vesely]

Yep.

[Brady]

Scientists built the tiniest robot ever. Smaller than a grain of sand, it's autonomous and powered by light. They programmed a bunch of them to detect temperature changes and work together in groups.

[John Holmberg]

We're doomed.

[Brady]

In Utah, they're letting AI refill. Refill prescriptions. It can write prescriptions for 190 different meds.

[John Holmberg]

I just go to call on doc.com that's awesome. You write your own script.

[Brady]

It's on your doorstep.

[John Holmberg]

Even before that, if you just have a basic cold, have it delivered to the pharmacy that day. Call on doc.com's awesome.

[Brady]

Researchers in South Africa found a bunch of poisoned arrowheads that date back 60,000 years. They were laced with tumbleweed poison, which would have tired animals out while they were being tracked. They're the oldest poisoned arrows ever discovered.

[John Holmberg]

Do you believe it?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

You think 60,000 years is.

[Brady]

Give or take 10, 20,000.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

That's a big portion.

[John Holmberg]

They're not giving that, but they would have in that 60,000 is pretty. They're pretty easy for science to guess that you don't buy. When they say millions and millions though.

[Brady]

It'S a tough one to. Tough pill to swallow sometimes.

[John Holmberg]

How come?

[Brady]

I. I mean I find it as accurate as the biblical statement of, you know, the 5000. Yeah, 5000. 10,000. If you bought some meat in the past years, basically from 2014 to 2019.

[Brett Vesely]

Which is everybody, Jeez.

[John Holmberg]

That we've expired in Arizona and about 12 other states.

[Brady]

There's a lawsuit that's being settled. 87 and a half million dollar set settle over antitrust lawsuit. Because these companies Tyson Meat and Cargill all colluded and raising prices on beef.

[John Holmberg]

So we'll get our meats. Buck 79. You gotta apply.

[Brady]

You gotta tell June 30th.

[John Holmberg]

Not worth it.

[Brady]

Tyson had to pay 55 million. Cargo 32 and a half.

[John Holmberg]

Are you gonna put your. You paid a lot of meat. You had a restaurant in that time. You were buying meat like crazy. You should look into that.

[Brady]

I might.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You get a few hundred bucks back and ironically, buy lots of meat with that. That's probably what you'd get with your bounty.

[Brady]

They did a sports survey about America's favorite sport, and soccer is now the third most popular sport in the U.S. fake news.

[John Holmberg]

Football.

[Brady]

American football is clear favorite. 36% of us identify that as a favorite sport. Basketball, 17%. 10% prefer soccer. Baseball got 9%.

[John Holmberg]

That's done.

[Brady]

Hockey's 4%, followed by tennis, boxing, MMA all got 3%. And golf got 2%.

[John Holmberg]

Baseball's at 9%. I don't buy it.

[Brady]

Wonder what the decline has been in the last.

[John Holmberg]

For baseball.

[Brady]

Yeah, for baseball.

[John Holmberg]

Insane is what it's been.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, it's all local.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, it's beyond local. Nobody cares locally if your team's not great. You quit in June, and most of them aren't. Yeah, yeah. You only get, like, five, six great teams a year. So five or six markets matter, and they don't get national exposure to the point that you just don't care.

[Brett Vesely]

Well, then you get, like, the World Series with, like, the Rangers and the D backs. I mean, like, other than in that area and here, nobody cared.

[John Holmberg]

Nobody watched it. Yeah, baseball's in trouble.

[Brady]

That's your science news. All right, I got a couple of radio videos.

[John Holmberg]

All right. I got some gems, too. Oh, boy. Good.

[Brady]

First one's a mom with her kid.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, that's it. You don't want to give any more?

[Brady]

Yeah, I don't want to spoil.

[John Holmberg]

All right, don't spoil it, then. Don't. All right, load it up, Richard. A mom and a kid. And I'll do the play by play on this. Oh, it's a very filtered moment and a weird little crippled kid, because Brady's into those videos.

[Brady]

I don't think it's crippled.

[John Holmberg]

It looks pretty screwed up. Is that a wig? Like Jasmine in a wig? Yeah, it looks. Kind of. Looks like maybe there's some therapy that's going on and the kid has to wear fake hair. All right, here's the click, click, click play. Okay. Oh, Jesus. She goes to give mom a little smooch and Then the sick crippled one throws up in Mom's mouth. I don't think that's real. That's not real. That's AI.

[Brett Vesely]

I don't care.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, high five to you, too. That's not real. Actually, it's real because it's got it in.

[Brady]

In the hair, so. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but the AI would do that, too. It's. She doesn't not really have a proper reaction to a gallon of milk pouring out of that very common. Happens any. That kid hasn't eaten that much food its whole life, let alone puked it out. That little malnourished body is not throwing up anything.

[Marlon Wayans]

All right, we're gonna have to.

[Rick Glassman]

We're gonna have to stop the video segment. Everything's becoming AI.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I know. It's getting weird. Yeah. All right, we'll get to you in a second.

[Brady]

Next one, shrunken Indian Head. Indian Tom Green.

[John Holmberg]

All right, if this is just a visual. Again, you didn't learn your lesson from yesterday. Yeah, it's just a crib. I'm just an ugly person.

[Brady]

You can do play by play on this one.

[John Holmberg]

Something has to happen. It can't just be a visual joke. That dude is hideous looking. All right, turn him off.

[Brady]

Can't even pronounce his name to send people there to find him.

[Brett Vesely]

So.

[John Holmberg]

How do you spell it?

[Brett Vesely]

K, H, A, A, R, E, J, I.

[Brady]

He kind of reminds me of Tom Green.

[John Holmberg]

He looks a little like Tom. That's enough.

[Brady]

Oh, is that.

[John Holmberg]

He's in a Pittsburgh Steelers shirt. It's one of yours. That's right. We'll take him. I knew I liked that kid.

[Brady]

Curry fukas.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, that's right. What do you got here?

[Brady]

You can do play by play.

[John Holmberg]

All right, this is an action. There's an action here. It's a girl in a nightgown standing next to a bed holding a sheet.

[Brady]

Looks like a dorm room maybe.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know. Doesn't matter. Go ahead. We get the.

[Brett Vesely]

It's play.

[John Holmberg]

She holds the thing to make herself disappear, throws it up in the air, and then she starts twerking. But has a penis. All right, Brady, you're banned from the Internet.

[Brady]

Just to warm bread up.

[John Holmberg]

To warm bread up. Yeah, that was simply.

[Brett Vesely]

That's my opening act.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Come on, you gotta. You gotta a high bar to get to. Canceled. Yeah, I'll see a lady dancing and a pee pee falls out of her dress. We need action.

[Brett Vesely]

All right, here's some action for you.

[John Holmberg]

All right.

[Brett Vesely]

How about some air guitar?

[John Holmberg]

It's a lady doing some air Guitar. She's naked and playing her labia. That's like Stainwood. Jesus Christmas. She's shredding, John. She is.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

The art of shredding. This is masturbating to the beat as if she was a guitar player. Look at that. She's the Eddie Van Halen of the clitoris.

[Brady]

Man.

[John Holmberg]

I like the finger tap. She does a good job. Fingertip. Her form is excellent. Yeah. All right, all right, let's.

[Brett Vesely]

Let's just go here.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my God. What is that? Oh, my God.

[Brady]

Whoa.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, we'll start over. Brett.

[Marlon Wayans]

There you go.

[John Holmberg]

That's.

[Brady]

AI. Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

The sound is.

[John Holmberg]

All right, cool. Call a plumber. This is a woman pulling a. She's pulling. She's pulling a massive sex toy out of her behind. Play it one more time and when it loses her butt.

[Brady]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, God.

[Brady]

I like. It's a custom video.

[John Holmberg]

Oh. And then like pudding comes out. All right, turn it. As my dad used to say constantly to me, turn it. All right, next one. Good God.

[Brett Vesely]

All right, we'll get away from the sexual stuff.

[John Holmberg]

There's blood on a wooden floor and a guy standing there. He's cutting his wrists right there in like some sort of public farm. God, don't make it stop. Oh, he's just cutting himself and bleeding all over the place. Oh, my God. He's just chopping himself to bits right there and then. Oh, okay, turn that off.

[Brady]

Turn it off.

[John Holmberg]

Turn it off. I'm gonna go with Freddy. I hope that was a. But I know it's not. Oh, my God.

[Brett Vesely]

I'm gonna save that one.

[John Holmberg]

All right, for home use. Here's an extra.

[Brett Vesely]

Here's one for Brady. Sent this over for Brady.

[John Holmberg]

Crippled Indian sitting next to his mom. And this dude is a ball of bones and a head. And they put a shirt on it. Oh, she's jerking him off. Oh, my God. She reached over to his little pile of bones and she's giving him a little left, left. Left handed. Old fashioned. He looks so happy. He is literally if you drop a baby and just the pile that he is, they're in the park together in India on a dirty blanket. And I mean dirty. It's about to get worse. And this full grown Indian woman in her regular Indian clothes is watching a very crippled man pleasure himself. His. His feet go three directions. They go the direction they're supposed to. Then they make a right turn and then they make another left turn. Those are more flippers. And now she's giving him a two fingered Indian old fashioned. And he can't get wood. She's not good at it. Does he finish, Pret?

[Brady]

No.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, thank God. Oh, God. That is. That's the arranged marriage you just pray against down there. You are going to marry my daughter. Oh, no. He's a pile of bones.

[Brett Vesely]

Put your seat belts on.

[John Holmberg]

All right, this is a penis and balls put through a wooden cutting board and being hit with a judge's mallet.

[Brett Vesely]

And he's finishing, too.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, he is. He's enjoying it to the point where there's actual.

[Brady]

Where do you find that board, John?

[John Holmberg]

I think you don't have one. You don't have. Yeah, you gotta get. I'm unfamiliar woodworker.

[Brett Vesely]

You can create one of those.

[John Holmberg]

You take the spinning part off a lazy Susan, and you just take the.

[Brady]

There you go.

[John Holmberg]

The shelf part. Okay, here's a girl. Class act for her. Three large sex toys going into a woman's mouth. Can she get the third one in there? Yes, she can. And she listens to great music in the background. She's one of. She's a keeper. She's got those poor people bathrooms for a fourth one. And it's five. It's in four. She's twisting number four. She has four giant sex toys in her mouth at once. I am useless to this woman. I am literally the tic Tac in this. And she's smacking herself in the face. I'm impressed. And I shouldn't be, but I am.

[Brett Vesely]

Just a good end of the pit.

[John Holmberg]

She's got Marcus Meng on in the background. And you still a woman will not shut up. Even with four of them in her mouth trying to have a conversation, she's still trying to tell you about her day. We saw that.

[Brett Vesely]

Okay, here, we'll finish off with this one.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, here's a exposed anus. Looks like there's a burn on it. And she's hurt herself in the past. She's making it, maybe.

[Brady]

It's probably.

[John Holmberg]

Man, that thing's got. Oh, it's just wet hair or whatever. It looks like it's a burn, but it's not. Oh, God. How'd you miss?

[Brady]

Popped an apple or something. Wow.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it's a billiard ball. Oh, she's shooting billiard balls out of it one after another. And that had good disc. That was about a fourth. All right. That was a good one. It's really good. They're deep in there, right? Jesus. Christmas lady. How do you learn to do this? And she's just pushing and pushing. There's that. That first one's going to the Three ball. The three ball comes out, and then she starts six, comes out next, then the four. All solids, by the way, also in order. No, she went three, six. She might be playing nine ball. It might have been a couple of. Might have been combos. Yeah, well, it's. It's.

[Brady]

It was a combo. You're right.

[John Holmberg]

Well, the second one is ball in hand because she shot a six before the four, so. Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

All right, we'll finish. That's it.

[John Holmberg]

That's good for me. Thanks, Brett. Hey, no problem. It's Friday.

[Brett Vesely]

We need the.

[John Holmberg]

Good God. I'd been more impressed if she was actually one of the pockets in pool and then had to shoot him back onto the table. That would be a real surprise at a party. Bailey, get on that video playing some pool, and you're like, hey, that last hole keeps shooting balls back onto the table. Oof. How do you give me that one more time? How do you learn you can shoot a pool? I wouldn't have the confidence to say, watch this. Even alone, something.

[Brady]

Do you think something accidentally happened and.

[John Holmberg]

She went, hey, I don't think she has many. Well, look at.

[Brett Vesely]

Look at all the equipment she has.

[John Holmberg]

Around her, though, too.

[Brady]

You ever played rumper pool?

[John Holmberg]

It's like a Rubbermaid thing. But then that first noise, like, I'm thinking, doctor's visit after some of this. Like, if I can do that, I'm going to the doctor. Like, she can just force that noise.

[Brady]

Oh, that armpit.

[John Holmberg]

She doesn't shave much. She's got a lot of her money. First that three ball comes out. I did. If this was 3D, I'd about to jump in the theater. That comes flying out. Action you gotta have. Okay, why is Slow Mo. Show me that again. I want to hear that. I want to hear it pop out again. Go back to where it pops out. I know. I know you're eating, but when it pops out. Here we go. Here it comes. There goes another rubber treat plant. What was that song they sang in big. Oh, Lollipop. Okay, that's enough. He gets too much out of it. Those aren't farts either. Isn't it weird that people email asking my opinion on national tragedies, and then that happens like, eight minutes later? What is going on around. You know the guy who said that he sees logic, Logic and rationale. When he was talking about the thing in Minnesota, it was like, you know, we need to get more of that. And then. And then he played billiard balls flying out of a horse. But anyway, happy National Law Enforcement Day. And Quitters day. So quit that. That's my. Definitely an activity to quit Some ass pool. Stop that. It's 818. Who's coming in first?

[Brady]

Rick Glassman.

[John Holmberg]

Rick Glassman is going to be here today. And then right after that, Marlon Wayans is coming in. Right?

[Brett Vesely]

It's gonna be an easy day for us.

[John Holmberg]

Doubling down. Yep, this is easy. We don't have to do anything for the next two hours. Tell Corey, cancel the squares. Okay, this is easy.

[Brett Vesely]

All right.

[John Holmberg]

And then we'll give you another one next week. We'll give you double down. We'll talk to rick next. It's 98. There goes your Brady report. It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually.

[Brady]

No membership fees.

[Marlon Wayans]

I've heard enough of this.

[John Holmberg]

Morning sickness. You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. He's evil sitting right here. Come on. No, no, he's not. He's not evil. He's just a bit rude. Oh, Rick Glassman is tardy, but he's pulling into the parking lot now. This can get exciting, everybody. He's got to race up the stairs and then fly into the studio. And we'll have Rick in here in just a second. Rick Glassman, Desert Ridge Improv. Desert Ridge Improv this week, if you want to go see him. Oh, he woke up a little late. He's been speeding in. We got Marlon Wayans coming in right behind him. Logistically, a disaster for us to try to get both people in on time. And Rick is fed into the parking.

[Brady]

Lot in ways he's gonna have to do an overnight.

[John Holmberg]

Look, if you're gonna react, you're gonna. Exactly. You're gonna risk your life. If you're gonna risk your life to be on this show, we will. We will not bump you. That was an impressive pull in that car was leaning on two wheels, like speed buggy. I want to see some hustle in this hallway. If he's loafing, he's out.

[Brady]

I hear some.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, look at him. He's speed this. I like it. I like it. He picked up a dog on the way up, a dog on his way. And ladies, Ladies and gentlemen, the very speedy and a tad tardy Rick Glassman. Welcome, sir. My God, I'm impressed. That drive in was. What happened? Were you sleep?

[Rick Glassman]

I set the alarm when I was in la.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it's an hour difference. Yeah, dummy. Hey, buddy. Well, welcome. It's Rick Glassman.

[Rick Glassman]

I mean, I got. I got in the car after getting four hours of sleep, and they're like they canceled. I said call him back. Give me five minutes.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, we were. We were trying, but then it got Just be. It wasn't you. It was just the logistics of you being any more late, it makes our whole world end.

[Rick Glassman]

I understand.

[John Holmberg]

That's right.

[Rick Glassman]

So when you say it wasn't you, and then say, but if you were any more late, it does feel a little. It does feel a little pointed.

[John Holmberg]

It is a little you. Okay, you're right.

[Rick Glassman]

But, you guys, thanks for having me. It was nice to meet you guys.

[Brady]

Thanks for coming in.

[John Holmberg]

You did oversleep. So it is you.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah.

[Brady]

But then.

[Rick Glassman]

Wait, listen, it's not your fault. We just want to let you know, nobody here likes you. You just made that sound, you know.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, I'll give you that. That's a little bit pointed. But when I see somebody speed into a parking lot just to be on the show.

[Brady]

Show.

[Rick Glassman]

What you didn't see was me going like this.

[John Holmberg]

Go, go, go, go, go. That's true. That is very true. That's Brady. Brady, Rick. That's Brett. My name's John, and it's a pleasure. Well, good. Relax. For God's sakes. You're here now.

[Rick Glassman]

Thanks for having.

[John Holmberg]

You know what's really weird about. You know what's really weird today is that Your birthday is July 23rd. Marlin's is July 23rd, and he's coming in right behind you.

[Rick Glassman]

Is that Mar.

[Brady]

No.

[John Holmberg]

Marlon Wayans.

[Rick Glassman]

I thought that was Marlon.

[John Holmberg]

That is. That's Marlon Wayans. Even that's Brett, often confused for Marlon.

[Rick Glassman]

So I knew Marlon was coming on, and I thought he was maybe here. And I was calling Damon Wayne's Jr. Because I don't know Marlon.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Rick Glassman]

I'm friends with his nephew. I was like, will you just call Marlon?

[Brady]

Just.

[Rick Glassman]

Just plug. Plug my show. Just plug my show.

[John Holmberg]

We were going to give you plenty of them. That's good. Where are you from?

[Rick Glassman]

Cleveland.

[John Holmberg]

Cleveland, Ohio. Okay, you can go.

[Brady]

Shake.

[John Holmberg]

As a Steelers fan, I think you can just go now.

[Rick Glassman]

I understand. I understand. I don't. I don't subscribe to the. To the sport, to be honest.

[John Holmberg]

Good thinking. Especially from Cleveland. If I was a Clevelander, I would not subscribe.

[Rick Glassman]

Oh, my whole family is. My grandma's on the Rich Eisen show once a month.

[John Holmberg]

Is that true?

[Rick Glassman]

I went on once. I was a little late, and we promote something and we call my grandma, and she became a regular on it now. And she calls in. They call her. It's really cool.

[Marlon Wayans]

Really?

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah. And she's a huge Browns fan.

[John Holmberg]

Oh. And it's just miserable. Lived a miserable life. She lives.

[Rick Glassman]

She watches the games in the closet.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I can't imagine.

[Rick Glassman]

I'm not being hyperbolic. She goes in the closet. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

For. Just to get away from everybody.

[Rick Glassman]

She won't let. Watching games with anybody. She's just in the closet.

[John Holmberg]

It.

[Brady]

It's too much like anxiety if she's.

[John Holmberg]

Watching and she'll hurt people. It's an embarrassing behavior.

[Rick Glassman]

Well, I. Listen, you could bully me, but she. She doesn't embarrass people. She doesn't hurt people. She just over drinks and she embarrasses people. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Did you ever see grandma watch a Browns game?

[Rick Glassman]

Once on my podcast. I forced her and I filmed. We did a podcast.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Rick Glassman]

During a Browns game.

[John Holmberg]

Wow.

[Rick Glassman]

And wouldn't it be odd if she.

[John Holmberg]

Just went in there to pleasure herself and used it as an excuse?

[Rick Glassman]

Hold on one second.

[John Holmberg]

You're gonna throw up. I'm sorry. What have I done?

[Rick Glassman]

Take my headphones off here. It is loud. No, but she. She left for half the podcast and she was just in. In. In the.

[John Holmberg]

In the closet. And that's so strange. Yeah. Does she have plastic on the furniture?

[Rick Glassman]

No.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. I have a theory about grandparents with plastic on the furniture.

[Rick Glassman]

Listen, I don't know what your audience is and what. What we talk about, but it's very cultural related there.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Rick Glassman]

There are certain religions and races that put plastic on furniture.

[John Holmberg]

Is that true? Cleveland is very. It's race based on. On who?

[Rick Glassman]

I don't think it's based just on Cleveland.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, is it because my. Because my hillbilly grandparents had plastic on there? Oh, you're saying it's them. I thought you were saying it was like a people of color. Well, I think white people do it most.

[Rick Glassman]

There are. There are certain black people that do it. There are certain white people that do it.

[John Holmberg]

And when you say.

[Rick Glassman]

I'm pretty sure it's only those two certain. Yes.

[John Holmberg]

What does that mean?

[Rick Glassman]

Well, hillbilly white people.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Rick Glassman]

And. And grandmothers who have lots of grandchildren.

[John Holmberg]

Ah, I see.

[Rick Glassman]

And I say black people just because I've just. Just when I was growing up, I just. That was like the first time and second time and maybe third time I ever saw that was in a movie where it was a black grandma who had plastic on her furniture.

[John Holmberg]

It's weird. And your grandpa. Your grandmother doesn't. My grandma did.

[Brady]

And I remember the grandma had definitely the. The plastic carpet.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. The runners and stuff like that. We had that when I was a Kid. But that's it. You have a. You have a hat.

[Rick Glassman]

Shout out to Marshall Rug Gallery in Northeast Ohio.

[John Holmberg]

You are the only person currently on the planet wearing a Marshall Rug Gallery hat.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah, because they don't have any customers.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, okay. Well, they need help.

[Rick Glassman]

Well, everyone, there's family. We'll be right back.

[John Holmberg]

I like that. Yeah. I have a theory that. Because, you know, and if we're free to talk here.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Rick Glassman]

I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

Comfortable? Oh, we're good. You and I.

[Rick Glassman]

Do we have another minute?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, we're plenty. I'm not talking about time. I'm saying, you know, I have a theory. That plastic on the furniture was that generation's way of keeping the squirting grandmothers from ruining stuff. Because that seems to have.

[Rick Glassman]

I just want to make sure it's not a band.

[John Holmberg]

It's not a band.

[Rick Glassman]

You're talking about when. When grandmas have orgasms.

[John Holmberg]

Yes.

[Rick Glassman]

Yes. Then they squirt.

[Marlon Wayans]

Yes.

[Rick Glassman]

And you think that they were.

[John Holmberg]

I think they were doing that back in the day. And then the furniture got ruined. And it was harder to get furniture back then, so they blamed it on the grandkids, but it was always there, whether grandkids were around or not.

[Rick Glassman]

All right, couple questions.

[John Holmberg]

And I think squirting showed up.

[Brady]

Up.

[John Holmberg]

Because, like, we didn't know about that. Like, 18 years ago.

[Rick Glassman]

You didn't know about squirting 18 years ago.

[John Holmberg]

Loser.

[Rick Glassman]

Sorry about that.

[John Holmberg]

Wait a minute. Don't come. Why.

[Rick Glassman]

Why was. Oh, but just talk about my grandma squirting.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but you said the bad one.

[Rick Glassman]

Sorry.

[John Holmberg]

I was being scientific.

[Rick Glassman]

I do apologize.

[John Holmberg]

That's okay.

[Rick Glassman]

I have a question for you.

[Marlon Wayans]

Yes?

[Rick Glassman]

Why was it so hard to get furniture back then?

[John Holmberg]

It just was.

[Rick Glassman]

Is that a real thing?

[Brady]

Yeah, it took a while to make.

[John Holmberg]

Now it's. Well, you have to admit, all things easier now. As far as, like, if you wreck a couch, you can get. Get a new couch faster. Wayfair will have a couch to your house in a couple of days. You know what I mean?

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah, I guess. I've never bought a couch.

[John Holmberg]

Back then there was, like, the family couch. They didn't replace them ever.

[Brady]

Oh, yeah, you'd pass furniture.

[John Holmberg]

The horrible old couches lasted forever, so I haven't.

[Brady]

Maybe that's why they put the plastic on there, too.

[John Holmberg]

So you knew about the.

[Brady]

The.

[John Holmberg]

That particular act in a woman's life years and years ago.

[Rick Glassman]

I actually talk about it in my. In. In my set. That I didn't have my first kiss until I almost graduated from high school. And I ended up buying a book to learn how to kiss. And the book was about squirting. Yeah. I mean, kissing her.

[Brady]

Wrong.

[Rick Glassman]

Orgasms.

[John Holmberg]

No kidding.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah. I learned.

[John Holmberg]

Who bought you the book?

[Rick Glassman]

I bought it.

[John Holmberg]

You went on your own and got.

[Rick Glassman]

I was too embarrassed to ask anybody how to. Because everybody's been kissing already. So I bought this book from. I bought a few books. The first one was from Kim Cattrall, and it was all about just like, the clitoris. And from Sex and the City, I learned that only. Only 14% of women can orgasm penetratively before I ever kissed a woman as well.

[John Holmberg]

I think we all learned that after the. Well, before you kissed it. Yeah. That's pretty good.

[Rick Glassman]

So I learned this stuff pretty early.

[John Holmberg]

You went in.

[Brady]

You.

[John Holmberg]

You were coming in hot with a lot of knowledge. Yeah.

[Brady]

Science took science to it.

[John Holmberg]

A lot of knowledge with what you brought to the party. And did the book help you.

[Rick Glassman]

You.

[John Holmberg]

Know, every time you kiss me.

[Brady]

A fourteener.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. He had plastic down. Yeah, that is. It's a. It's a weird thing. And Kim Cattrall was the one you leaned on most?

[Rick Glassman]

Well, that was the first book I. The.

[Brady]

The.

[Rick Glassman]

The COVID was a pair of red lips.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Rick Glassman]

Face lips.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Rick Glassman]

And I'm like, oh, this. This must teach me how to kiss. Oh, and I learned how to Dougie before that.

[Brady]

Nice.

[Rick Glassman]

You could keep that in. But, you know, if we. If we repost this one.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. How old were you when.

[Rick Glassman]

When you first kissed was. It was April, three months before I turned 18.

[John Holmberg]

No kidding. Okay. That's pretty good. I think I was around. Well, I had some awkward moments, but, like, a real good one was probably about 16 or 7.

[Rick Glassman]

How old were you when you first had sex work?

[John Holmberg]

Well, geez. What's that? I still think it's fake. I think it's on tv. On tv? Well, my grandma seemed to enjoy the Cubs game.

[Brady]

He's a prepper. He's a prepper. He's got him just in case it happens. But it has. Hasn't yet.

[Marlon Wayans]

I don't.

[Rick Glassman]

What do you think prepper means?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, different definitions.

[Brady]

Putting the plastic on the couch.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that is prepper.

[Brady]

One day.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that might happen.

[Rick Glassman]

People usually, they prep for, like, you know, an earthquake.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Yeah. But if you're prepping for squirting. Yeah, That's a lot of.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah, a lot of preparation.

[John Holmberg]

Doesn't seem worth it. Yeah. No, that's not something that I've experienced in person.

[Rick Glassman]

Are we gonna owe money for that swear word?

[John Holmberg]

No, no. You're Good. I got it. I hit a button. You're clear. Just stop it. That's right.

[Brady]

Don't do it again.

[John Holmberg]

We do it. We run into this problem quite often. What should we know about Rick Glassman that we don't? We've learned a lot. We've learned an awful lot.

[Rick Glassman]

I think.

[John Holmberg]

Was the girl you kissed the first time also the one that took your flower?

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah. We are each other's first everything. Is that right? But I really don't want to be talking about other. Other. Other women. Want them in Phoenix because just in the off chance that my. My most recent ex. Girlfriend's parents who live here are listening, I just want you guys to know that was a long time ago. And I still think about your daughter.

[John Holmberg]

Do you still think about her?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Is that true? Yeah. Do you want her back? Because we'll call him. Oh, I was.

[Rick Glassman]

I was hoping.

[John Holmberg]

You want to call real quick?

[Rick Glassman]

Don't swear and don't talk about them squirting.

[Brady]

Okay.

[Rick Glassman]

Can we call my ex's parents to tell them I still think about her? You know, I don't have to be a prepper to say, no, thank you.

[John Holmberg]

Do you still want her back at all, or no, you're done.

[Rick Glassman]

To be candid with you, I know I offered this and this. This conversation up, and that's the most. The most I'm gonna talk about because it was a real thought in my head on my way over, I'm like, there's no way that I think they're awake. And probably. Maybe. Actually, I know they're awake.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Rick Glassman]

I was looking through their window on.

[John Holmberg]

The way over here. But for her, right?

[Brady]

They're awake.

[John Holmberg]

Is that where they're hiding her?

[Rick Glassman]

No, she doesn't. She doesn't live in Phoenix.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. That's what she told you?

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah. She wouldn't lie to me.

[John Holmberg]

She cares about you.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

She loves you. She's gonna tell you where she is at all times.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

There's no. What's your dog's name?

[Rick Glassman]

Alvin.

[John Holmberg]

Alvin. Alvin's adorable Chihuahua. Mix of something.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah, His. His mom is a Chihuahua, and his dad is Jewish.

[Brady]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

Is that okay here? Is that okay here? No. You have to leave. Yeah, we will not use those words. Ice is going to take half of them, and the rest is going back to the Mossad.

[Rick Glassman]

I don't know, man. These are jokes that are on your terms, not mine.

[John Holmberg]

These are your jokes. You're the one bringing that devil dog in here.

[Marlon Wayans]

He's a little boy.

[John Holmberg]

How old is that?

[Brett Vesely]

He's Cute.

[John Holmberg]

That's a cute dog.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah. And he wanted me to let you guys know I am at Desert Ridge Improv tonight, Saturday and Sunday. And the buy tickets soon because I think we have only a thousand tickets left.

[John Holmberg]

Is that right?

[Rick Glassman]

I think over to 900. Over, under. I put it at 900. 50 tickets left.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. Well, we got it. They'll go fast and then that's it. We're not adding.

[Rick Glassman]

I learned from Kim Cattrall you don't always have to go fast.

[John Holmberg]

That's for sure.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

What was the best piece of advice the book gave you?

[Rick Glassman]

To be honest, it's hard to remember what I learned from that and just from my experience of just being connected and strong communication. Do you hear that? My ex's parents. But I. Being present. And it's important that. Not that you make a woman come, but that you make her feel safe.

[John Holmberg]

That was nice. Kim taught you that. All the way from Sex in the City.

[Rick Glassman]

That's Rick Glassman. Take your shoes off podcast. We'll be right back with Marlon Waynes related to Major Pain.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. Are you and your friends with his nephew?

[Brady]

Few.

[Rick Glassman]

Right? Yeah. He's been on my pod a few times. I love Damon.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And what are you doing with your podcast? You're just the comedians running around doing crazy stuff together.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah. When you say justice.

[Brady]

A little.

[Rick Glassman]

Kind of sending.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it is. It was. It was. I was being.

[Rick Glassman]

But yeah. I actually would love to promote this week. I have Jack Black and Paul Rudd on. I'm really excited about this.

[John Holmberg]

That's fantastic. And Paul Rudd's a huge Steeler fan. An obscene. Obscene.

[Rick Glassman]

He's a Kansas City guy.

[John Holmberg]

I thought Steelers. To ask him. He. He does what I do. When I saw what he did with his brain for the Steelers, I'm like, I'm not the only one. If you give me your phone number out loud.

[Rick Glassman]

Oh.

[John Holmberg]

I assign the numbers to the jerseys.

[Rick Glassman]

I saw him do that on Ridge Eisenhower.

[John Holmberg]

And I'm the same. And I. And I always thought that was an odd way to remember everything, but that is exactly what I do. And when I saw him do that, I'm like, oh, my God. And it's the Steelers. It was a weird.

[Rick Glassman]

Are there any combinations that you can't do? Because most numbers are double digits.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. But you can work it out with singles too. You can work singles. You can double digit. You can. I have something for everything.

[Brady]

So you.

[Rick Glassman]

You also had your first kiss late in life.

[Brady]

You know what?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Rick Glassman]

I'm gonna stay.

[John Holmberg]

And it was with A girl who looked a lot like Terry Bradshaw. In fact, it was Terry Bradshaw.

[Rick Glassman]

But see, Terry Bradshaw, I think I just saw him on. On Family. A clip of him from Family Feud. Was that Terry Bradshaw? Yeah, and his daughter. He has his daughters and. And one of them. I think that was Terry Bradshaw and one of the daughters. There's three daughters maybe.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Rick Glassman]

Two of them are married and one of them was dating somebody new. And the dating. Somebody knew that guy was in the audience and he was busting his balls with Steve Harvey during. It's a really funny clip.

[John Holmberg]

Really? With.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah, that's it.

[John Holmberg]

Wow. Yeah, I've not seen that. But his daughters are kind of hot and he's parading them around.

[Rick Glassman]

Well, I mean, the only beauty I see is. Is. Is in the way they communicate in their soul. And then also the face and the body and stuff.

[John Holmberg]

And then you get into the hair, face and shape. Yeah. None of them are big either. Yeah. Terry's done all right for himself. Yeah. But Paul Rudd's a huge Steeler fan. He will. It's amazing because I didn't. I felt such a connection to that. It was so weird. I always thought that was a weird thing for me to do.

[Rick Glassman]

Also the chances of them doing. From football numbers. But also the same team.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Rick Glassman]

Or the chances. One in 30.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, 32. That's true.

[Rick Glassman]

Oh, right. Forgot zero and double zero.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. It's. It's like a roulette table. Yeah, I have it there. Rick, you are. You're charged to save the world with one idea. We're asking you to give us that. What one thing you would change if you were in charge of planet Earth. Anything. What's a. It can be selfish.

[Rick Glassman]

You know, I think if I were to go bigger and I thought about this in my personal life a little bit. So just with. For everybody. For. I don't think people know how often they don't know something.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Rick Glassman]

And they not necessarily assume something, but they fill in the blank with poor critical thinking. Yeah. If this. Then it must be this.

[John Holmberg]

Right.

[Rick Glassman]

And that kind of defines the way they. Those little moments of filling in the blanks, I think kind of calibrate how you see people and the world. And I've spent the last 10 years trying to recognize how often I've been doing that. Long story short, I talk about this in my act, but it's. I came to some self awareness about eight years ago and I became aware of how important it is to ask questions. Oh, huge answers are relatively easy if you know, if you. If you Have a curiosity to ask the question because if, even if you don't get an answer, you know that, oh, this is information I don't yet have.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Instead of assuming something, were you raised to not question?

[Rick Glassman]

No, I actually just call my chemical makeup and the way I was raised, I guess. But I think more so the former. I took a lot of things at face value.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Rick Glassman]

Oh, this is this. So they said this. This person says this.

[Brady]

You assume that.

[Rick Glassman]

You know, it happened. It happened for me a lot in with like just like in my social life where I was never bullied.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Rick Glassman]

Really Once at camp. But doesn't matter. I was. That wasn't really bullied much. I just wasn't ever really included and I never knew it. Like, like people I would. People were nice to me and it wasn't until I was in my 30s that I grew up and I realized I didn't really have any friends growing up. I just thought everybody was busy all the time, you know. And like they just said, sorry, I can't. Sorry, I can't. And like, oh, if you just told me that I had a booger in my nose, we could all be uncomfortable for a second. I could get rid of this booger.

[Brady]

Yes.

[Rick Glassman]

So I think not filling in the blanks and being comfortable.

[John Holmberg]

What was the catalyst moment to go. I believed all this stuff. Why didn't I question that?

[Rick Glassman]

My first job was this TV show with the show creator Bill Lawrence, who, who's now he's. Does Ted Lasso. He's shrinking. He's big, big showrunner now. And I say this because you moved to Los Angeles. I play basketball. I got in this basketball game with these comedy writers. This is a great in. Yeah. And I was in that game for five years and Bill had to send me an email and he said, hey, some of the guys that have been this game for a long time don't want, don't come when you're here. They don't want to play with you anymore. Do with that information what you want. I just feel like maybe you don't even know this. I thought I was the best. I'm picked first. Turns out guys don't even want to play with me. You know, I'm very intense and some of these guys are, you know, 50 year old comedy writers.

[Brady]

Fouls like crazy.

[Rick Glassman]

No, just giving them.

[John Holmberg]

You were Draymond Green of comedy writer basketball.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Rick Glassman]

I took it. In my world, the value comes from winning so you don't have to sit. And in their world, the value comes from getting away from the family and having a nice time and getting your heart rate up.

[John Holmberg]

Ruining that.

[Rick Glassman]

I was playing different.

[Brady]

You're the hacker.

[Rick Glassman]

I actually. I made a video. I have it on YouTube. It's called I am phenomenal because I thought I was until I found out nobody liked me. But Joel McHale plays the Bill Lawrence who sent me the email, and his script is the email that Bill sent me. It was a really cathartic thing because Bill saw this. He liked it. We were actually talking about maybe trying to turn it into something, but it was based on the story of me getting kicked out now getting kicked out of something. The reason that was the inciting incident was just the timing in my life, I guess, and just connecting patterns that before then I didn't really know. And it ultimately led me to. Again, I don't want to. It's a long story, but it led me into this information about myself that really changed my life for the better and taught me that and to communicate directly.

[Brady]

Hooping.

[John Holmberg]

Are you still shooting around, by the way?

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah, I'm not going to co sign that.

[John Holmberg]

I want to co sign.

[Rick Glassman]

I. I call picks when I'm picking them. Like, if I'm gonna send a pick for you, I'm gonna say right side.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, you warned the guy you're gonna lay out.

[Rick Glassman]

I'm just gonna let you. I'm not lay out again.

[John Holmberg]

There's no reason. There's no reason for the warning.

[Rick Glassman]

Letting them know it's coming.

[John Holmberg]

Yes, that's a. That's a warning. You're gonna get laid out.

[Rick Glassman]

I learned from Kim Cattral. Always let him know when you're coming again. That's Rick Glassman having me.

[John Holmberg]

I'm not done. Are you. Are you setting difficult? Are you good, or. You have the base pick? Because I'm good at those.

[Rick Glassman]

Why don't you pull up? I am phenomenal.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, see, now you got. Now you've got video evidence.

[Rick Glassman]

I'm a good basketball player.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, that's great. That's good. See, now I've learned the basketball is one game that I. I get mad at myself. And for a while, people thought I. Because I can relate to this. They thought I was yelling at them. I would do something, and I'd be like, you dumb mother.

[Rick Glassman]

Watch your language. Language.

[John Holmberg]

I said I would do that. You dumb mother effer.

[Rick Glassman]

Oh, and they get it together.

[John Holmberg]

C word. Oh, and they thought I was yelling at them.

[Rick Glassman]

So. So if. So if we're on the same team.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Rick Glassman]

And you bricked a three pointer.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Rick Glassman]

And you started Yelling. You think I would then think, is he talking to me?

[John Holmberg]

Well, it's not about brick and threes. It's about, you know. Ah, come on. One of those deals.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah, but wouldn't you only do that.

[John Holmberg]

After something I did? But it wouldn't be like an egregious come on. Or like if the ball every once in a while if everything we bang into each other or something. Come on.

[Rick Glassman]

How did you discover that people thought that's what you were doing?

[John Holmberg]

I found that I was playing basketball alone a lot. Yeah, I was out there shooting around a lot. Gosh, everybody was going to show up. And now I have basketball court in my backyard and I've invented. And I realized this was really. When I realized it, I have probably a handful of games I've invented to play alone.

[Rick Glassman]

Hey, man, you're. You're in here with two of your friends.

[John Holmberg]

That's right.

[Rick Glassman]

In a room by yourself to talk to a lot of people.

[John Holmberg]

I get it. Is this you in the. Oh, this is you screaming. I am phenomenal.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah, this is, this is the music video of it. There's a, there's an actual short. Other times.

[John Holmberg]

And this is you. You made a song about you not being likable on a basketball court.

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah. A friend of mine has a studio, so I went in and I freestyled it for a little bit.

[John Holmberg]

Great.

[Rick Glassman]

And then it's really fun. It's something I'm happy with because it was a big moment.

[John Holmberg]

Left handed. Ouch.

[Rick Glassman]

Ambidextrous.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, you do both. You can shoot from both sides. From distance.

[Rick Glassman]

Well, to be honest with you, that one, we just mirrored that shot because we were cross dissolving on something on the left side.

[John Holmberg]

So you just flipped yourself.

[Rick Glassman]

But you could tell because the armband was on the other end.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, I see. And the 1974 in your shirt was backwards. I get it. It's all right. Okay. We were still playing the game and you're bouncing off a bunch of 50 year old dudes feeling great about yourself. Do you ever go down and just beat up kids?

[Rick Glassman]

It's funny that you bring that up. I, I, I got a 90 second story if you got time.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, go.

[Rick Glassman]

So I was coaching. Coaching. Yeah. So in high school, when I, when I didn't play much, by the way. Yeah, we, we, the varsity team coached this Cavaliers basketball camp and Zydrunas Alaskas came and, and it was for 10 year olds or whatever grade that 10 year olds are. And we're in the gym and in my head, as a joke not saying it's okay. Not saying it's not okay. But as a joke, I thought it might be funny. While the kids were running around the lap the court, if I threw a basketball, you know, I don't need to tell the story.

[Brady]

No, go.

[Rick Glassman]

I just said, yeah, you know, if you're run. When you're running, if. While they're running, if you could hit the basketball between the two legs, they would. They would trip. Now, again, drop them in my head. This is one of those courts that.

[John Holmberg]

Has a rubber floor.

[Rick Glassman]

They're not going to get hurt.

[John Holmberg]

He's fine.

[Rick Glassman]

I'm having. I'm having. Having fun.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Chucking basketball.

[Rick Glassman]

So I threw the basketball, and as I threw the basketball, this didn't even cross my mind until I let go of the ball. I thought, what if this hurts this kid? It wasn't. I don't think it will. There was no chance because you would. We would do this with each other. This is fun. We're adults.

[John Holmberg]

Nukes are in the air.

[Rick Glassman]

So I. Unfortunately, my shot is fire, and it hits him and he flies. And while he's in the air, I'm like, oh, no. And I don't know if you guys know this, but before a kid cried. The kids cry for two reasons. One, one, for no reason and two, because they think they're supposed to cry.

[John Holmberg]

Exactly.

[Rick Glassman]

You don't know which one it is.

[John Holmberg]

It's never from injury or reality or emotional either.

[Rick Glassman]

Injury or they think it's an injury.

[Brady]

Exactly.

[Rick Glassman]

This kid's not getting injured. I know that fine. So I run over them. Because, you know when. If a kid is about to cry, if you tell them to punch you in the stomach or call you a swear word or something, then they'll do it. And they laugh, right? And like, oh, they forgot I was hurt, right? So I went over there. I'm like, hey, you know, you want to hit me in the stomach? You want to, you know, call me a swear word or whatever? And he got excited for a second. He goes, well, you just signed my shoes. And I threw this ball at this kid. I threw this ball at this kid because we saw my shoes. And now I'm on here saying, I didn't have any friends when I was growing up, and people don't want to play basketball with me.

[Marlon Wayans]

I've grown.

[Rick Glassman]

And if you want to learn how you can the Hangar Ridge improv tonight, Saturday and Sunday, and you're signing Kim.

[John Holmberg]

Cattrall's book at the end, right?

[Brady]

You should be selling those.

[John Holmberg]

Those would be nice.

[Rick Glassman]

That's actually great merch. A bit of my act is talking about all the things I learned how to do before I knew how to kiss. And. And I have. Yeah, that actually would. I should write a book on how to get an ex girlfriend back. Maybe. But I'm not sure if we're really compatible, to be honest with you. But I still care about it.

[John Holmberg]

Still do it, you know? Yeah. Then sign a shoe and then throw it from there. Just throw it as far as you can. Rick Glassman. A pleasure. I'm glad you rolled out of the.

[Rick Glassman]

Glad. I'm glad that you guys still let me come in because, yeah, we've heard.

[John Holmberg]

About you, and we weren't gonna let you in, but now. You know what? You've changed. Yeah, I appreciate that. It's Rick Glassman at the Desert Ridge improv. Desert Ridge. Improv.com. that's where you want to go. Thank you, sir. Pleasure. Thank you. Kupd. It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually.

[Brady]

No membership fees.

[Marlon Wayans]

I have heard enough of this.

[John Holmberg]

Morning sickness. You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. He's evil sitting right here. Come on. No, no, he's not. He's not evil. He's just a bit rude. Rick Glassby comes in. He shows up for 30 minutes, and then the brilliance of Marlon Wayne's comes wandering in the room. And we love when Marlin's here. Welcome, Marlon.

[Marlon Wayans]

Welcome. Hey, good to be here. My favorite white guys.

[John Holmberg]

Is that true? Are we your favorite whites?

[Marlon Wayans]

I named this show my favorite whites. Whites only.

[John Holmberg]

Who were your favorite whites before you guys? You never had favorite whites.

[Marlon Wayans]

I hated white People talk about you guys.

[John Holmberg]

We're a new category.

[Marlon Wayans]

New category.

[John Holmberg]

My God.

[Marlon Wayans]

Whites that I love. We represent whites that we blacks fight for.

[John Holmberg]

I think maybe I would love that role.

[Marlon Wayans]

I like what you do.

[Rick Glassman]

Thank you.

[Marlon Wayans]

We call it Cracker Love.

[John Holmberg]

Thank you. No cheese on us. That's awesome. Well, thank you for making us your favorite white.

[Marlon Wayans]

You got it, man.

[John Holmberg]

I can't say you're my favorite blacks because it sounds terrible. It does sound.

[Marlon Wayans]

It sounds like I'm. I'm like, he's one of the good.

[John Holmberg]

Less lashes. He sure is one of my favorite.

[Brady]

He sure is.

[John Holmberg]

Well, I'll let him in the house at all.

[Marlon Wayans]

I'll make him lemonade.

[Brady]

How about that?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I. I'm not. I don't think I've ever had to say, you're my favorite white person. I don't think it's ever happened.

[Brady]

Really?

[John Holmberg]

No, I don't Think so.

[Marlon Wayans]

I thought that was. That's.

[John Holmberg]

You think? I'm probably in a lot of lists of people being their favorite. Me and Lil.

[Marlon Wayans]

Damon talked about it. You that true? Me and L. Damon's favorite white guy list.

[John Holmberg]

Is that true?

[Marlon Wayans]

A tissue? Yes.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, he needs tissues. He's crying. He loves me so much. It's like getting emotion. Oh, you're gumming your hand.

[Marlon Wayans]

I was sticking on your dad.

[John Holmberg]

He would have eaten it. He'll eat it anything.

[Marlon Wayans]

Yeah, but you have been.

[John Holmberg]

I gotta get in there. Yeah. You and I.

[Marlon Wayans]

Those Steelers, by the way.

[John Holmberg]

I know it. Isn't it awesome?

[Marlon Wayans]

You know what I'm saying?

[Brady]

Yes.

[Marlon Wayans]

Let's win this week.

[John Holmberg]

We could just win. But you know what? We dismantled the Ravens. And I don't know if you've been on the same page as me.

[Marlon Wayans]

That last kick look a little suspect.

[John Holmberg]

Who cares? It look.

[Brett Vesely]

It looks.

[John Holmberg]

I'm gonna play it because this is what my body paid well. This has been on a loop in my head since Sunday night. That kick went right. Yesterday. I watched. Watched a video on Instagram, an eight year old Bill in a Lamar Jackson crying. And it brought me so much joy.

[Marlon Wayans]

I used to get so much joy. Like, as a hater. Right. I understand. Yeah. Your heart works.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

I'm a Laker hater, right?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

And I live in la and all my friends that moved to LA once Kobe and Shaq teamed up, they were like, lakers, go Lakers. And so I decided that I'm just gonna hate the Lakers. They're like, who's your favorite team? I said, I don't have a favorite team. Anybody that beats the Laker is my favorite team.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

And I used to wait for the playoffs for them to get in.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

And then to get knocked out. Oh, and I take pictures of the TV screen with Kobe crying, and it would make Marlon.

[John Holmberg]

There we go.

[Marlon Wayans]

He's hurting.

[John Holmberg]

I had AI.

[Marlon Wayans]

All my friends are crying too. And I'm just like, this is.

[John Holmberg]

I had AI create Lamar Jackson tears and made it my screen saver.

[Marlon Wayans]

I have multiple photos of him crying Lamar Jackson with George Jordan's face. Oh, and keep that as you do the AI.

[John Holmberg]

I made T shirts of Lamar Jackson.

[Marlon Wayans]

But do the crying Jordan on his face.

[John Holmberg]

That sounds.

[Marlon Wayans]

Was he really crying?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. So he cried. And a while ago I took that shot. And then I made a.

[Marlon Wayans]

You know why he was crying?

[John Holmberg]

Because he's. Go ahead.

[Marlon Wayans]

He's like, I'm gonna fire my coach.

[John Holmberg]

I got my coach, man. And then my new thing is they.

[Marlon Wayans]

Should have kept him, by the way, he got probably unfair shake. You know, we started. They started the season with Lamar being hurt and they just never recovered. It's very hard to try.

[John Holmberg]

My prediction Sunday of Derrick Henry. Surprised when the kick went sideways.

[Marlon Wayans]

There you go.

[Brett Vesely]

It's been done.

[John Holmberg]

There it is. The crying Jordan on Lamar. Okay, I'm making shirts. I'm making shirts. Oh, my God.

[Marlon Wayans]

That's a T shirt right there.

[John Holmberg]

I can't help it. I've been floating since Sunday. I hate the Ravens so much more than I like the Steelers. Why?

[Marlon Wayans]

I love the Steelers, but I don't hate the Ravens.

[John Holmberg]

You must. The joy is unbelievable.

[Marlon Wayans]

It's really hard to hate black quarterbacks. There wasn't enough of us, but now there's plenty.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, Shiloh, whoever, he's black.

[Marlon Wayans]

I got a roof okay here. Ever since Doug Williams, I'm like, come on, I gotta love my people.

[John Holmberg]

But let's just as your favorite.

[Marlon Wayans]

Only one I hate is Geno Smith. Get rid of him. I smile every time he gets.

[John Holmberg]

I think he's Dominican. I'm gonna go with Dominican1.

[Marlon Wayans]

I'll let you have that with the name Gino.

[John Holmberg]

Gino is Dominican. There's no way. Yeah, but there's now there as your favorite white. Let me just say there's plenty of black quarterbacks. There's room for hate again, don't you think? Yeah, oh, yeah. Before I understood like back in the 80s and no, no Doug Williams and more Moon Culpepper. Like, you know what, I understand that. But now, culturally, now there's a few. Look, there are probably a few of them that are. Yeah, but you know, you gotta hate Lamar.

[Marlon Wayans]

No, I like Lamar.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, no.

[Marlon Wayans]

I, I like him. He's weird.

[Brady]

He's different.

[Marlon Wayans]

You know, he worked. I've never seen somebody run like him.

[John Holmberg]

No, me neither.

[Marlon Wayans]

I, I, I, it's like somebody said, listen, he, like he was a slave. And somebody said, okay, 10 yards up is your freedom. And he said, I'm going for 20 balls. I want to free. I want to free my children too.

[John Holmberg]

He doubled the offer. He bargained 10 to freedom and he took 20.

[Marlon Wayans]

That's getting children free and they're not even born yet.

[John Holmberg]

You know, how about that at the Jacksons. Free with 20 yards. I'd watch that anything.

[Marlon Wayans]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And he, I just hate him with a passion.

[Marlon Wayans]

He says, I don't hate him.

[John Holmberg]

And it's not race based. It's just his ugly ass face. I just hate it.

[Marlon Wayans]

It's just a great.

[John Holmberg]

But there's a bigger Reason why I hate him is because he's really good. I hated magic.

[Marlon Wayans]

You hate him? Well, I, I. I hate magic. See, he's out the Jersey, and I still.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

And I gotta shake his hand because I like him as a human now. Sure.

[John Holmberg]

But.

[Marlon Wayans]

But when he was in that Laker Jersey. Oh, God.

[John Holmberg]

Just awful.

[Marlon Wayans]

You know, I. I prayers and some.

[John Holmberg]

And I. Yeah, I'm.

[Marlon Wayans]

I hate some of this is my fault.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you think?

[Brady]

Don't hold back.

[John Holmberg]

Tell us some of. We're not going to get into which ones, but I think I know what you're talking about.

[Marlon Wayans]

It's my fault. My bad.

[Brady]

How bad was it?

[Marlon Wayans]

I prayed too hard. I. I prayed too hard. I didn't know God was listening.

[John Holmberg]

Wait, you think God's like, I got to shut Marlon up. Drop that. Drop that bird.

[Marlon Wayans]

No, he's like, you got to get on my side. You got to believe me. See, I realized I didn't believe I'm real. You didn't believe I resurrected Jesus? You didn't believe this.

[John Holmberg]

Watch this. So you know what? That would make me feel happy. I'd smile. I'd be like, all right, I did that. I might have did that.

[Marlon Wayans]

So watch your prayers. Something happens to Lamar Jackson, it's him.

[John Holmberg]

I have to be super serious that I. Because I hate Lamar Jackson so much. I hate all of Baltimore, and I actually hate Baltimore so much. And Baltimore.

[Marlon Wayans]

Baltimore hates. But they have the best crab. Oh, my God. You have been to Jimmy's.

[John Holmberg]

No, I wouldn't go to Baltimore. I was happy when that boat hit the bridge.

[Marlon Wayans]

No, that's gone saying this earlier this.

[John Holmberg]

Week, I was like, you know what? I was the only one going. I was like, that's terrible. What a horrible thing. It's like, oh, my God. Now people can't get to Baltimore. That's trash.

[Marlon Wayans]

Think it was dark.

[John Holmberg]

You were both being dark. Let's.

[Brady]

Yeah, okay.

[Marlon Wayans]

Let's be true.

[Brady]

You say most of people.

[Marlon Wayans]

That's why you're my favorite white guy.

[John Holmberg]

Let's see we relate to this.

[Marlon Wayans]

One of the three.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's right. Rank us. Me number one. Okay. Brady. No. Maybe it's tough.

[Marlon Wayans]

They're tired for seconds.

[Brady]

Okay.

[Marlon Wayans]

But your father died, so thank you.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, well, his father died, too, but it's been a little bit longer.

[Marlon Wayans]

No. Well, then I'm gonna go with him.

[John Holmberg]

All right. Yeah.

[Brady]

Yes.

[Marlon Wayans]

How about your mom?

[Brett Vesely]

Nope.

[John Holmberg]

All right, we have a winner. Everybody tell him what he wins.

[Marlon Wayans]

Boy, is he hurting.

[Brady]

I just got a text. My mom died.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, no.

[Marlon Wayans]

It's too Late. I'm sorry.

[John Holmberg]

She was killed by Lamar Jackson. I knew that son of a. Was no good. Anyway, I hate the Ravens. I hate them with a passion and I get so much joy.

[Marlon Wayans]

I. Listen, I love the Steelers, man, I do. But I hate when they play the Ravens because I actually like the Ravens.

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Marlon Wayans]

And I know they're. They're rivals, but I hate when they play. But I'm. I think. I don't think the coach should have got fired, but I do think that Mike Tomlin is probably the greatest coach, like one of the greatest coaches in history to keep consistently making the playoffs with nobody. With nobody.

[John Holmberg]

I mean, quarterbacks are. But the problem is Aaron Rodgers.

[Marlon Wayans]

And he's like 65.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, exactly.

[Marlon Wayans]

Yeah. He doesn't even have an arm anymore. He's in a wheelchair.

[John Holmberg]

It's like Stephen Hawking.

[Marlon Wayans]

He has to change his diaper between plays.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And keep. Keep in mind, he's the best thing we've had in six years.

[Brett Vesely]

Years.

[John Holmberg]

And that's saying something. 42 year old. Something's wrong with you.

[Marlon Wayans]

They should have got. I was like, I don't know why I didn't go get Shador.

[John Holmberg]

Shador Sanders. He's not ready.

[Marlon Wayans]

But I wouldn't have picked to come underneath Aaron Rodgers.

[John Holmberg]

Great.

[Brady]

You got the Kalin Metcalf. But he punches people.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And that's dk. I like.

[Marlon Wayans]

I like dk.

[John Holmberg]

No problem.

[Marlon Wayans]

Let's watch our mouth.

[John Holmberg]

What's that?

[Marlon Wayans]

We should get Derrick Henry. He's not.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my God. Everybody down in Baltimore is unhappy.

[Marlon Wayans]

They're unhappy. So we should get Derrick Henry and then we should get Lamar. And this way you don't hate him and you can take him off your hateful prayers.

[John Holmberg]

I could. I could. But. But the reason.

[Marlon Wayans]

Would you hate him in the. In the.

[Brady]

No.

[John Holmberg]

I'd like him in a Steelers uniform. He's still ugly, but I don't care.

[Marlon Wayans]

You'd blow him.

[John Holmberg]

Come on. Oh, yeah.

[Brady]

Let's be honest.

[John Holmberg]

That's probably true. You shoot pool.

[Brady]

Pool.

[Marlon Wayans]

Billiard balls out your butt for him.

[John Holmberg]

I'm thinking about doing that anyway. I'm just curious if that's something I can do.

[Marlon Wayans]

First of all, how do you get him in there?

[John Holmberg]

That's the question. Question. Was it a. Was it a pool game gone arai that you learned? Oh, my God. That's in my ass.

[Marlon Wayans]

I need chalk.

[Brady]

Chalk.

[Marlon Wayans]

My balls keep going off the table into her butt.

[Brady]

That was a scratch.

[John Holmberg]

I like that. They were all solids, too. Like, the dude was shooting just his balls. No stripes. Went in the other guy couldn't get it.

[Marlon Wayans]

She's still searching for the eight balls somewhere.

[John Holmberg]

I have to say, all the stuff that's gone on in the last few months, I've been thinking about you.

[Marlon Wayans]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

Because this weirdness that goes on, on with the documentary and Puffy and Fitty, who's gone nuts on everything. And you get involved in this and they show pictures. I have to say, and nobody says this out loud. If I'm in the situation to go to Diddy's parties, I'm going just like everyone else did.

[Marlon Wayans]

I was.

[John Holmberg]

What is it from your perspective?

[Marlon Wayans]

Because it's so weird at the parties and I. I never saw the freak offs. And that's why part of me is mad at Diddy.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you didn't get to play.

[Marlon Wayans]

I never got to see the freak off. You letting people pay, people have.

[John Holmberg]

All right, bump that bang.

[Marlon Wayans]

That beautiful woman. I would have paid you double.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, let me do it.

[Marlon Wayans]

And I don't care. These guys complain. She gave me a std. I want that std.

[John Holmberg]

That's a good. Show it off.

[Marlon Wayans]

See these herpes? You gave me the ass.

[John Holmberg]

Here's the thing. You didn't get to watch cuz you were a threat. See, I.

[Marlon Wayans]

No, they knew I would tell.

[John Holmberg]

Or maybe that I would tell on everybody.

[Marlon Wayans]

I'd be like, like Meek Mill got a. Got a crooked ding, ding. It looks like Candyman's hook. I'm like, DJ Khaled got an innie.

[John Holmberg]

But I love that everybody.

[Marlon Wayans]

I would tell on everybody.

[John Holmberg]

Wait a second.

[Marlon Wayans]

And here's how I know they want me at the party. Because I went one day and I was like. I went to like. I've known Puffy since like when he was puffy. And I was like, I'mma wait around. I stayed there till 3:30 in the morning.

[Rick Glassman]

Morning.

[Marlon Wayans]

I'm tired. I was like, I'm gonna see this freak off. Nothing happened.

[John Holmberg]

Absolutely nothing.

[Marlon Wayans]

And then so I left. And then next day, everybody came up to me, man, you missed a freak off. I said, what time did it happen? They said, 3:32.

[John Holmberg]

It was two minutes late. Oh, that's terrible.

[Marlon Wayans]

Bastards.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that ain't right.

[Marlon Wayans]

Can I say that?

[John Holmberg]

Yes, you can say that. You're fine. I got you.

[Marlon Wayans]

You got me.

[John Holmberg]

It's your fault.

[Marlon Wayans]

I heard you throw one out there. And I was like, oh, okay.

[John Holmberg]

Which one did I toss?

[Marlon Wayans]

I don't know. Something wild.

[John Holmberg]

I was like, I was happy that every white guy.

[Marlon Wayans]

You don't even.

[John Holmberg]

You say it.

[Marlon Wayans]

That's sad.

[John Holmberg]

Plausible. Deniability.

[Marlon Wayans]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know what I said, and I don't believe you're telling the truth.

[Marlon Wayans]

I am telling the truth, and trust me, I do tell the truth. And I have a YouTube channel that I have to promote, so make sure you go check it out. Marlon Wayans on YouTube.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

So I'm. I'm starting to do stuff on YouTube.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Okay.

[Marlon Wayans]

I don't know what it is, but I'm just trusting J.D. and he just says, do it, and so I. I do it.

[John Holmberg]

And he's filming you, like, around here doing stuff.

[Marlon Wayans]

I don't know what I'm doing.

[John Holmberg]

And you're okay with it?

[Marlon Wayans]

I'm really boring to watch.

[John Holmberg]

No. Are you. Do you. Are you a boring guy when you're not being Marlon Wayans?

[Marlon Wayans]

Yeah, I really am. Like, when I'm not performing, I'm boring. I sleep. I. I scratch my sack. I write. I do boring stuff.

[Brady]

I don't.

[John Holmberg]

Can you scratch your sack and write at the same time?

[Marlon Wayans]

I. And sometimes, but that's too much work.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it is a lot.

[Marlon Wayans]

You missed the fun years back when I did Molly and. And randomly sniff coke. That was fun years.

[John Holmberg]

Randomly.

[Marlon Wayans]

Randomly.

[John Holmberg]

It would just appear just to nullify.

[Marlon Wayans]

The molly because I was too much, and I just need to come down, so.

[John Holmberg]

Really?

[Marlon Wayans]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And you're done with that last.

[Marlon Wayans]

Yeah, I did it 50 times. And, you know, I stopped. It was during COVID and I stopped. My next door neighbor was doing it, and I was like, I never done that. Let me try.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

And I was doing research for a movie, and I was like, I'm a method actor.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

I was like, let me try that. And I tried it a few times. Like, this is great. He goes, you want to see something cooler? I said, yeah. And he went. And he pulled out some pina colada. Cocaine. I was like, all right. Amazing.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. The flavored stuff.

[Marlon Wayans]

This is crazy.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

And then he said, I got something better. And he pulled out grape and sour apple and watermelon.

[John Holmberg]

It's like Jolly Ranch.

[Marlon Wayans]

You guys are trying to kill black people. You were trying to get me hooked. I see. This is the white man trying to get the black population back on drugs.

[Brady]

Drugs.

[Marlon Wayans]

We just got out of this. And so I quit. Yeah, because you lost five friends to. To fentanyl.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

In one week. And I was like, I'm never touching anything ever again. Dear friend Fuquan Johnson. It doesn't sound like a guy with. Hang with it. I actually hated him, but.

[John Holmberg]

Really?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

You know he's black. I got A room first.

[John Holmberg]

But even the.

[Marlon Wayans]

Yeah, even. Even though he did it again.

[John Holmberg]

That's okay.

[Marlon Wayans]

You got to press your button.

[John Holmberg]

No, that's a good one.

[Marlon Wayans]

Really?

[Rick Glassman]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

When you're talking about black guys.

[Brady]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

Here in Arizona, I'll keep you up to date. No, like you. Like, you'd support him, even a jerk. Yeah. Yeah. He was a. You didn't like him.

[Marlon Wayans]

I got you.

[John Holmberg]

And he passed away from Fentanyl because.

[Marlon Wayans]

He was playing him and five other people I knew in one week. And I was like, oh, my God. And I was like, anything powdered? Any Molly, don't do it. I haven't touched stuff. I just. I smoked my cigars. Liga Tridente. You could get them at Fox Cigar sells my Liga Tridente cigars. Ask them for the Mulloway and cigar. It's in the humidor. They're great. And I have me some whiskey, and I call it a day. Where's your wonderful whiskey you make with your feet? You had some whiskey in here?

[John Holmberg]

It was prohibition, says Rack. That says, like, you bought me a bottle after I told you about it.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

You know what it felt like? It felt like I drank the juice out of her butt after she found the eight ball.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's. That stuff's powerful. I got it in the office if you want.

[Marlon Wayans]

Oh, my God. Can we all just do a shot.

[John Holmberg]

And see what happens? Toledo. Yeah, we'll bring in the Cesar.

[Marlon Wayans]

All right, let's go.

[John Holmberg]

Let's go. Marlon Wayans is here. He's at Stand Up Live. And you're gonna. You have to go do tv.

[Marlon Wayans]

We just want to try some Cesrack.

[John Holmberg]

Can you pour some shots? All of us for the guys? Yeah, everybody.

[Marlon Wayans]

Don't pour him a little shot.

[John Holmberg]

Have you met Thriller yet? Our friend Thriller?

[Marlon Wayans]

Hey, what's up?

[John Holmberg]

Do you want to know what we call him? Thriller.

[Marlon Wayans]

What's up, future pedophile? He looks like a pedo. I swear to God.

[John Holmberg]

Thriller. Walk away. Watch. He's got a thing. Want to see it again?

[Brady]

Walk away.

[John Holmberg]

Isn't that great? That's one of my favorite things ever. Sorry, Marlon. Wayne said, stand up Live. Can I borrow him?

[Brady]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

I know. You can't ever, right? I want to borrow him. I need you, Thriller. We have a guest. Please walk away. Walk away again. What's the matter with you? Does it to the beat. Brett noticed that such a match.

[Brady]

It's unbelievable.

[John Holmberg]

When he walked to his car, we would go. And he walks to the beat. The parking lot. Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

Can you do the same thing but do the hats.

[John Holmberg]

Put the show on. Here we go. One, two, one, go.

[Brady]

Just walk.

[John Holmberg]

Just walk like it's a rhythm. It's. He's only got one thing. We'll work on that for next time. Marlon, way that standuplive.com and whoever says that ain't funny. We don't want you f ball to you.

[Marlon Wayans]

Listen, we can laugh.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, he can laugh. That's what makes me great.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

Who named him this one?

[John Holmberg]

And we were so proud of it. Brett did it. That he was walking to his car. He didn't even know it. Exactly. You got to give him another hug. He's hugging you, Brett.

[Brady]

That's.

[John Holmberg]

That's it. So we would look out this window out there. Marlin's gone. We would look out this window, and he'd walk to his car.

[Marlon Wayans]

Parents in that one.

[John Holmberg]

That's you moving up.

[Marlon Wayans]

You're not my favorite.

[John Holmberg]

Number seven. We can move Brett to one for that one. Cuz I. I was sitting right there by that window. Thriller walked out to his car, and Brett's in that window. And he just goes. And he just goes. And I knew exactly what it was. And then, for probably, no offense, Thriller. Three years, we did that. And then finally introduced ourselves to him because we were. I. I had a hip replacement. So he'd walk towards me in the hall, and I'd walk at him, and I'd have to try real hard to straighten up so it didn't look like I was making fun.

[Marlon Wayans]

And then you walk by and you.

[John Holmberg]

Like, hey.

[Brady]

You know, we've been doing this for three years.

[Marlon Wayans]

Oh, my God.

[John Holmberg]

To me, he's very funny. He's a good guy. All right.

[Marlon Wayans]

You're gonna have some, too.

[John Holmberg]

Mine's empty. What the hell?

[Brady]

What? There you go.

[John Holmberg]

Mine's empty. Is yours empty? Oh, he's got to pour me. Man, you're good. You're drinking, too. Let's get it. There's cocaine in it.

[Marlon Wayans]

That's a little shot.

[John Holmberg]

That was a baby shot.

[Brady]

Stop.

[John Holmberg]

That's Thriller.

[Marlon Wayans]

And then let. Play the music.

[John Holmberg]

Music we tried to get. We tried Each walk straight as an arrow. He becomes a British nobleman. He's into equestrian riding and jogging. It's amazing what happens to him.

[Marlon Wayans]

Polo.

[John Holmberg]

Hello. How are you? I'm Thriller.

[Brett Vesely]

There you go.

[John Holmberg]

Not anymore. Cheers to Thriller and Marlon Wayans for coming tonight. Stand up live. Standuplive.com if you want to go. Here we go. Shooting says Rack. Oh, man, I just smelled it. First big mosquito loot. Smooth. That's good stuff. It's really good, though. But it lives with you all day. There it is. You have shirt on. You have a shirt with your own family.

[Marlon Wayans]

Yeah, I got my own shirt. My own family.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

The way brother shirt.

[Marlon Wayans]

Let me stop letting the white man pimp me.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, you got the hat, too. Stop pimping myself.

[Marlon Wayans]

Honorary Wayans, go get your Wayne's brother's merch on marlon wayans.com.

[John Holmberg]

All right. I could wear. I could wear that hat.

[Brady]

Hat.

[John Holmberg]

I don't think I.

[Brady]

You could.

[John Holmberg]

You think?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I would look crazy.

[Marlon Wayans]

No, you wouldn't. You would look like you love me.

[John Holmberg]

That's probably.

[Marlon Wayans]

You would look like I'm your favorite black guy.

[John Holmberg]

That could be.

[Marlon Wayans]

And I. I want to be your second favorite black.

[John Holmberg]

I'm going to go ahead.

[Marlon Wayans]

I don't want to be your first favorite black, cuz.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

He runs 20 yards.

[John Holmberg]

For all the right reasons.

[Marlon Wayans]

I could do it, boss.

[John Holmberg]

Marlon way.

[Marlon Wayans]

What about my wife, too? After you're done with her, sir.

[Brady]

Of course.

[John Holmberg]

Can she run? She's gonna show me some speed. Or else it's standup live tonight and tomorrow. If you wanna go standuplive.com marlonwans.com is where you go for that. Leave us with words of wisdom. Marlon. Help us out.

[Marlon Wayans]

Oh, man. Live every day like it's your last. Tomorrow's not. Promise. So make sure you do one thing. Laugh at all that is dark. Because as life goes on, it gets darker and darker. And you start losing parents and loved ones. And you start figuring out why God made people like Thriller. Because you can always laugh at the worst. Situation.

[John Holmberg]

Situation.

[Marlon Wayans]

One time.

[John Holmberg]

Have it right there. And the reason there he's walking. Off he goes again. He fell out of his mom two months early. And this. And his brother did, too.

[Brady]

Did you?

[John Holmberg]

Were you early? You want to race him?

[Marlon Wayans]

One more shot of sad and he'll win.

[John Holmberg]

Always a pleasure, Mom. It's good to see you, Marlon Wayans. Everybody, everybody. It's 98. There's something. Something. Check out Homework's Morning Sickness podcast at 98kupd.com Homburg's Morning Sickness. We're on the air now.

[Marlon Wayans]

Stop that.

[John Holmberg]

Marlin didn't leave. We're fine with that. Marlon Wayans is still here because he.

[Marlon Wayans]

Give a brother some dark liquor in the morning. I was like, tv, Forget those white folks. I'mma stay with my favorite.

[John Holmberg]

That's it. What do they ask you on the TV shows, too? So I understand you do comedy. Like, that's not a question. Why do you do that?

[Brady]

Do you barbecue a lot with your Family.

[Marlon Wayans]

What is it like having all the growing up in the Wayans household?

[John Holmberg]

I came from a large family of four.

[Marlon Wayans]

Oh, really?

[John Holmberg]

What was that like for you to have 40 or 50?

[Marlon Wayans]

I was like, did all them molest you as well?

[John Holmberg]

Wouldn't it hit you?

[Brady]

Take a look at weather.

[John Holmberg]

Wouldn't it hit you like a ton of bricks if one of them weather.

[Marlon Wayans]

Damon's a squirter. He sure makes it rain.

[John Holmberg]

Thanks for coming in so bad. Now, I would do that like, on my last day as a newsman. Marlon Land's here today. I understand Damon molested you.

[Marlon Wayans]

I just did like what I like only twice.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I want to get and just run with it. Yes.

[Marlon Wayans]

The first one, I forgot about the last one. I was 35 when it happened.

[John Holmberg]

The repressed one. That's repressed one. The next one is still fresh. Still some stains. I had to get a new couch. Are you a conspiracy guy?

[Marlon Wayans]

Not at all.

[Rick Glassman]

Not at all.

[John Holmberg]

Not even a little bit.

[Marlon Wayans]

I don't know. Those look like two planes that crash into the building.

[John Holmberg]

Well, I think that. Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

Anybody says, bro, you see the explosions while that happens? Planes into buildings right next to each other, bro.

[John Holmberg]

Because I get like, everything that had. We were talking about earlier this morning. Everything that happened, happens in the. On the planet. There's always guys who email me the next day going, oh, there's a false flag, this and that. And maybe there's truth to it, maybe there isn't. But I. I don't ever meet anybody who know, like, I want in on the other side. I don't want to solve the conspiracy. I want to be part of it. So if they offer one in particular.

[Brady]

Talking about the Challenger.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, the space shuttle Challenger. They say that it was an empty vessel and that they found the astronauts. That they say. And they always pretty, like, convincing pictures of the people. But I want in on that. If somebody told you I think it's fake, you think that's fake, too?

[Marlon Wayans]

No black man going to space. Jeff Bezos could have paid me. He could have gave me a free seat on that plane with all those rich people like, y' all white folks go, my black ass is right here.

[John Holmberg]

Who would have to be on the spaceship for you to go, all right, Jesus.

[Marlon Wayans]

Because if this blows up, I know in three days we'll be back.

[John Holmberg]

You think Jesus wants a ride on his face?

[Brady]

The only one that can survive.

[Marlon Wayans]

He's the only one that's going to come back. It all goes to hell. We coming back, standing next to Jesus.

[John Holmberg]

Going, hey, Marlon, can't wait to get up there like you invented it. What are you talking about? What are you doing here? Why are you on the. Why did you get a seat? That's a waste. Tell me what to look for. That's. That's all. I can't wait to see what it's like off those. Jesus is the one. There wouldn't be one white person on there. Like, they're not crashing this. I'll sit next to him. Jesus.

[Marlon Wayans]

I'd go on all kinds of stuff. That little challenge, that little thing that went to the bottom of the sea that was for sure gonna crush. I'm with Jesus.

[John Holmberg]

We talked about that. That's submersible. That little submarine.

[Marlon Wayans]

It looked like a can.

[John Holmberg]

It was a can. But we thought of something that nobody talked about. What is that? It was.

[Marlon Wayans]

There was no black people.

[John Holmberg]

Well, there was that, too. That's not a surprise. There was.

[Marlon Wayans]

Titanic was a tragedy because there was all white folks on the Titanic. It was not a Negro on that boat. Didn't even. We wasn't even servants on that boat.

[Brady]

Like. No, I'm good.

[Marlon Wayans]

Sounds like a trap to me.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Yeah. You know what?

[Marlon Wayans]

You're right.

[John Holmberg]

I never thought of that. The.

[Brady]

They left out of Ireland.

[John Holmberg]

The minority was Irish. The whitest of whites.

[Marlon Wayans]

Go watch the movie. It wasn't a black extra.

[Brett Vesely]

There was.

[John Holmberg]

There was no black parts of the movie.

[Brady]

And then who built it? It was white star lines, wasn't it?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

Black person part. None of that.

[John Holmberg]

You're 100% right.

[Marlon Wayans]

Movie, no black people.

[John Holmberg]

Well, we. We were talking about that. It was like, if you were on that. And this is bad, but it's true. If you were like. Let's say you, me, Brett, and the other people were getting on that thing, and Brett is. Brett's the worst of all of us. They had a. A Pakistani and a Saudi Arabian on there.

[Brady]

Son, look.

[John Holmberg]

Have you ever been in a cat of hair and a lot to go underwater. Water in a New York cab that after about 20 minutes, you're like, oh, this is a terrible error.

[Brady]

Coconut.

[John Holmberg]

Smell the coconut. The. My mayonnaise.

[Marlon Wayans]

It'd be a little weird.

[John Holmberg]

The smell in that little tiny can.

[Marlon Wayans]

It'd be a little weird.

[John Holmberg]

I'd be praying for that thing to.

[Marlon Wayans]

Implode by the time the thing exploded. You know, the father that was trying to spend time with his son, his son was just like, great. Spending time with your dad.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

You call this quality time?

[John Holmberg]

You hear those first couple.

[Marlon Wayans]

You should have just let me play my Xbox.

[John Holmberg]

Well, this is Backfiring. But at least we don't have to smell that curry anymore. Brutal. I would have popped a hole in the side just so it blew. The only way to get out of this is. Do you think that the white people. Wait a minute. We'll get to him in a second. We'll punctuate. But do you think that at any point the. The white guy.

[Marlon Wayans]

Come closer. We need you closer. We need a long walk out.

[John Holmberg]

I'll do it. I'll do it on the punchline. But the white guy and his dad watch the other people get on. He goes, oh, great. We should have gotten first class. Now we got to sit with them. Perfect timing.

[Marlon Wayans]

For every joke.

[John Holmberg]

Everything kills.

[Marlon Wayans]

Put on pump. That kills. Put them pumped.

[John Holmberg]

You need to talk soon?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Cory can be the next picture of.

[Marlon Wayans]

Him on Fallon and one of those jokes bomb.

[John Holmberg]

And it's just like, cue it. Have him walk across the sand. There he goes. We'll be right back. Ryder's gonna get fired for that. Yeah, Thriller is a good. I told you we had puppets.

[Marlon Wayans]

Oh, my God.

[John Holmberg]

What do you do with your free time, Marlon?

[Marlon Wayans]

I don't have none.

[John Holmberg]

You don't have any free time? You're doing movies and I did a movie last year.

[Marlon Wayans]

Right. I work. I don't have free time. I golf.

[John Holmberg]

You golf?

[Marlon Wayans]

I started golfing. I said, I gotta start carving out some free time. Yeah, I golf and I.

[Brady]

How's that going?

[Marlon Wayans]

Terrible.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's horrible. It's a horrible.

[Marlon Wayans]

Tiger woods is definitely an anomaly. I definitely grew up in a white neighborhood. This is not a brother sport. Yeah, it's just not. I don't know, it goes against everything. And I see like 65 year old out of shape, white guys, dudes that look like you're 365 yards consistent.

[John Holmberg]

He's really good at going.

[Marlon Wayans]

And mine is like tear. I'm going left, Pierre. I'm going right. And they're just like. And I'm just like, I hate this. Yeah, I hate.

[John Holmberg]

But you, you're an athlete. Probably.

[Marlon Wayans]

No, I wasn't.

[John Holmberg]

You weren't an athlete? No.

[Marlon Wayans]

And I'm. It even. It shows in my golf. I'm terrible.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you have an athletic shape. You're an athletic. You like work out and you played out.

[Marlon Wayans]

But that told me last year. That was a lie. My stuntman played in the football movie. You didn't do any of the football drama. No.

[John Holmberg]

No kidding.

[Marlon Wayans]

I'm 53.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, so am I. But I can throw a football.

[Marlon Wayans]

No, you can't. Oh, not over and over again.

[John Holmberg]

That's probably true.

[Marlon Wayans]

50 yards.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, no, I'm not throwing a 12 hour day. No, that's true.

[Marlon Wayans]

You ain't doing that.

[John Holmberg]

But you're in great shape for the movie though.

[Marlon Wayans]

I got into shape. I was learning how to throw a football.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

I was doing all this work and here's what's crazy. I went to Carson Palmer's brother, Jordan Palmer has a.

[John Holmberg]

I was a quarterback.

[Marlon Wayans]

Quarterback.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

So I go to the camp, me and the guy, Tyreek, 20 something year old kid who used to play college football. So he's there and he's throwing the football and he's training. So I come in and you know, Tyreek is training and they're running all these drills and he's hitting outs and hitting a guy on a five yard drop. And you know he's doing all these quarterback drills. I'm like, all right, let me see you throw the ball. So I threw the ball and they looked at me and they said, okay, Tyreek, you keep running those drills. What's up? He goes, we're gonna teach you to walk again.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

So I was Thriller, basically.

[John Holmberg]

They had to walk you through it.

[Marlon Wayans]

They taught me how to walk again.

[John Holmberg]

Did you get better?

[Marlon Wayans]

I never went back to that camp. Really F you for this. I am not wasting my time. Y' all teach me how to walk.

[John Holmberg]

Leave me alone.

[Marlon Wayans]

I'm pigeon toed. I was born that way.

[John Holmberg]

But Jordan Peele cast a 52 year old man at the camp.

[Marlon Wayans]

And when I got to set my director, Justin Tim dipping, I go to throw the ball, he goes, what are you doing? So I'm about to go in there and throw the ball. He goes, no. You see that guy right there with that weird hairdo? So, yeah, hairdo looks just like yours, right? So, yeah, he looks just like you.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

Watch him throw this football. He threw it like 50 rope and just zipped it. A bomb.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

And he goes, he's gonna throw the football. We didn't bring you here for that.

[John Holmberg]

Really. So you just get busy acting to.

[Marlon Wayans]

Do what you do. So go be Marlon West.

[John Holmberg]

And there was like buzz. There was Oscar buzz.

[Brady]

Buzz.

[Marlon Wayans]

There was.

[John Holmberg]

There was Oscar.

[Marlon Wayans]

Boss, it ain't buzzing no more.

[John Holmberg]

What happened?

[Marlon Wayans]

It's buzzing like a Tesla. I don't know. I don't think the movie was successful enough to get enough buzz. But yeah, you know, I did you.

[John Holmberg]

At the end, like how it was because you. I remember you came into something doing this. Jordan Peele.

[Marlon Wayans]

I love the movie, man. I think the director's amazing. Justin Tipping.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

And I think he just made a cult classic. And I think years from now, people are going to look at that movie and go, yo, that movie. Movie was so dope.

[John Holmberg]

That's what I thought of it. I thought it was too much thinking.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

The problem is that people don't like to go to movies and work. And it made you.

[Brady]

I think they had an idea going in, like seeing the trailer. Sometimes the trailers throw you off. Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

I like a movie that makes me feel something.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

It make me a good movie. Makes me feel high. And I didn't even, like, do anything. I felt watching that movie, I felt like I just microdosed shrooms. And I was like, this is the greatest.

[John Holmberg]

There's a lot going on.

[Marlon Wayans]

It was like anywhere, everywhere, all at once.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

You ever do watch that movie? That's a great shroom movie.

[John Holmberg]

You ever gonna do shrooms?

[Brady]

Okay.

[Marlon Wayans]

Do it with that one and do it. I did shrooms watching Star Wars. Whoa.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

And then I had sex. And my. I swear to you, this really happened. And when I pulled my meat out my pants, it went.

[Brady]

Like a lightsaber.

[Marlon Wayans]

And then when I was having sex, I felt like I was in the Millennial Falcon. And. And I kept hearing he'd use the false Luke. Cause I was trying to get her to orgasm. And then bow. When I busted. She busted.

[Brady]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

Like the death star.

[Marlon Wayans]

And I swear to you, this happened.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

I'm gonna put it in a movie.

[John Holmberg]

Did you. When you were finished and you were like, you are. All right. I am your father. I was gonna say you are my father. That's the Cesar. You are my father, bitch. I screwed it up. I'm sorry. I'll get back to it another time. Your insubordinates is unexpected. Acceptable. Forget. Cut. Try again. I am your father.

[Marlon Wayans]

As I'm reading the Bible right now.

[John Holmberg]

Right now, while we're on. That's impressive.

[Marlon Wayans]

I'm listening.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, okay.

[Marlon Wayans]

Right. So I got James Earl Jones read the Bible. And all I can think is Darth Raider reading. Reading the Bible right now.

[John Holmberg]

In the beginning, listen closer and better galaxy far, far away. In a galaxy far, far away. His name was Yahweh. That's interesting. James Earl Jones read the whole Bible. AI could have done that, but it's so dope. Oh, it's got it.

[Marlon Wayans]

Because when he talks.

[John Holmberg]

Oh. It means more thou.

[Marlon Wayans]

Thus say thou. Jesus said, now it's a great. Listen. He does all the work.

[John Holmberg]

Jesus would hire him.

[Brady]

Is it just. Is it him the whole time.

[Marlon Wayans]

Him?

[John Holmberg]

The Whole time.

[Brady]

Yeah. Okay.

[John Holmberg]

And you can hear when they punch.

[Brady]

Him in Caviezel about, I don't know, 15 years ago. Did one and he used all the celebrities to do the different.

[Marlon Wayans]

No, that's weird. Now you're making a play.

[John Holmberg]

That's what he wanted.

[Marlon Wayans]

One voice in James Earl Jones. Only one else I want to hear do to the Bible is three people. I want to hear Morgan Freeman. Morgan Freeman.

[John Holmberg]

Morgan Freeman.

[Marlon Wayans]

I want to hear Morgan Freeman reads the Bible. And then I want to hear Snoop Dogg reads the Bible. I think that'd be great revelation.

[John Holmberg]

Snoop Dogg would be pretty great. Sizzle, desolate beginning.

[Marlon Wayans]

And then Dave Chappelle reads the B. Those are the three. I want it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I had a couple jokes in. Did you know the movie Airplane? I just found this out.

[Marlon Wayans]

Yes. I love that movie.

[John Holmberg]

Do you know about what it is? No. It is a shot for shot recreation of a 1957 movie called Zero Hour. And they added jokes.

[Marlon Wayans]

You're lying.

[John Holmberg]

No, it's. Are you serious?

[Marlon Wayans]

Just watched it and I love that. I love that movie. Airplane, to me is. That's the movie that made me want to do parodies.

[John Holmberg]

So the Zucker Brothers who did it.

[Marlon Wayans]

Brilliant.

[John Holmberg]

Thought people knew.

[Marlon Wayans]

Knew really?

[John Holmberg]

They kept coming up to him, go, what a creative story. He's like, creative story is done for us.

[Marlon Wayans]

I'm gonna go watch it. What's the name of that movie?

[John Holmberg]

Zero Hour. Hey, it is unreal to watch all drunk.

[Marlon Wayans]

Some Steve.

[John Holmberg]

You don't know any of your friends down?

[Marlon Wayans]

Steve aged like 10 years. He looks like Uncle Ben right now. You got more gray. Your eyebrows are nice.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, he came in here, didn't have a beard. How long have you guys been here?

[Brett Vesely]

Here's some of the shot for shots.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, look at this. Watch. This is zero Loud. This is the movie Zero. The lead actor's name is Ted Stryker. Like, it's all the same. They kept the music. They did like all sorts of similar timings. Crazy. It's the exact same thing. And then they added jokes and like psych gags. I just found this out. See the cockpit, dad. Joey, I think the too busy flying.

[Brady]

The plane for that.

[John Holmberg]

How'd you like to go up in a cockpit, Joe? Isn't that crazy? And when the little boy goes it. Little boys.

[Marlon Wayans]

And he's a pedo.

[John Holmberg]

No, they added that. Joy, here's something we give our special visitors.

[Brady]

Look at how big that toy was.

[John Holmberg]

Thank you. Thanks a lot. You ever been in the cockpit before? That's the real movie before. Have you ever seen a Grown man naked.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

See the crazy part, I didn't know that. And I found out over Christmas break. I'm watching this thing in the middle.

[Marlon Wayans]

Of the night, and I think. I think that's brilliant because that's what you do, right? When we do parody, what you do is you gotta find the story first.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I'm so lazy.

[Marlon Wayans]

In a good parody, you find the story and you find. Like, when we did Scary Movie, we found the right horror movie that was going to be the baseline for our movie. So when we did the new Scary Movie, we use Scream 5 and Scream 6 as our baseline for the movie.

[John Holmberg]

It's brilliant.

[Marlon Wayans]

And then we put the jokes and the characters within.

[John Holmberg]

It nuances better. I'm so late. All right, we're gonna take a break.

[Marlon Wayans]

Scary Movies 6 coming out June 12th, 12th this summer.

[John Holmberg]

They are doing it.

[Marlon Wayans]

Yes. And I'd have known. Can I use Thriller? Thriller. You want to be in the movie?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, you haven't filmed it yet.

[Marlon Wayans]

I'm just. I filmed most of it, but I'm gonna do reshoots. And I may have to put you in there.

[John Holmberg]

Yes.

[Marlon Wayans]

Hit it. One time.

[John Holmberg]

Audition, he said, well, there's. Hold on the wrong button there. There we go. Hit it. All right, we're gonna take a break. Marlon Wayans is hanging out with us. He's got standuplive.com. it's 98. It's not weird. Pretty cool, actually.

[Brady]

No membership fee.

[Marlon Wayans]

I have heard enough of this.

[John Holmberg]

Morning sickness. You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. He's evil sitting right here.

[Brett Vesely]

Come on.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, he's not. He's not evil. He's just a bit rude. All right, this has been fun. Marlon, thanks for hanging out with us today.

[Marlon Wayans]

I appreciate you. I'm drunk as hell.

[John Holmberg]

Ed says, will get you. Let's do some smart. Well, we're not done.

[Marlon Wayans]

We're all going to walk out of here. Like Thriller.

[John Holmberg]

Like Thriller. Thriller. We got him drunk on was it your birthday?

[Brady]

We.

[John Holmberg]

We drank a little bit, and he normalized a little bit. I'm like, might be the future, brother. We do a thing called the entertainment drill, starting now. Marlon, you mind helping us out with us? That'd be great. It's the entertainment drill. It's Mo Brady just entertained us. Let's get out of here. Hurry up.

[Brady]

Well, this goes along the lines of your Star wars experience. Tom Cruise basically pop by the set. Of course, he came in by helicopter. And Shawn Levy's doing a movie, and he asked Tom to help him Film a scene, a lightsaber fight. Tom Cruise, like, yeah, I'll do it. Grabs the camera, films the whole thing, doesn't change. He's. It's a mud scene. So he's.

[John Holmberg]

Huh.

[Brady]

He's shin high in mud filming the scene. Yeah. They said he had really expensive shoes. Shoes on stuff.

[John Holmberg]

Isn't that crazy? What people pay attention to?

[Marlon Wayans]

That's weird.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Tom Cruise had shoes on when he got in the mud. What a man.

[Brett Vesely]

I think he can afford it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

He can do no wrong.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

And by the way, if they pay me what he gets paid, you could attach my black ass to the back of a plane and I would do those things. He makes, like, $100 million a movie. He owns planes for a plane. You could. I'll fly on the back of a plane to Europe.

[John Holmberg]

All right. We're not gonna go crazy. Let's not do stops.

[Marlon Wayans]

Hey, is he gonna give me that plate afterward? Let's do it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. That stuff to me. I'm the same like you. Give it to me. I'll do it.

[Marlon Wayans]

I'll do anything. I'll sell out.

[John Holmberg]

Look, Al Qaeda starts handing me cash, I'm gonna start thinking.

[Marlon Wayans]

I'll show you that.

[Brady]

Johnny Knoxville announced a new Jackass movie. I hope the theaters in June.

[Marlon Wayans]

Ain't they too old to be doing it?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. It's gonna end in a day.

[Marlon Wayans]

They got gray hair, somebody dying.

[John Holmberg]

You know what I mean?

[Brady]

Back in the mix.

[John Holmberg]

He shouldn't even be out in public. He's got to clean up his own thing.

[Marlon Wayans]

Steve O's put more things in his butt than that lady that put the eight balls.

[Brady]

I always.

[John Holmberg]

Look, Jackass is like playing ball in the house. So long as everything's still good, it's good. But eventually something horrible happens and we never do it again.

[Marlon Wayans]

But, you know, I will say, I really like the Jackass movies.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, they're great.

[Marlon Wayans]

And I'm not just saying that because they're coming out two weeks after us, and they're all so. Also on Paramount. But I'm saying it because I really. I love Johnny Knoxville and I love. With the brand, with those guys, scary.

[Brady]

Movies, guys like Stevo. I mean, they're just. That's all he thinks about.

[John Holmberg]

No, it is.

[Brady]

What can I do to my body?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

You know, even though I've hit.

[Marlon Wayans]

How many things can I put in my butt?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it'll fit.

[Brady]

Hot sauce.

[Marlon Wayans]

How much stuff can I. How can. Many times I could slam my penis in the door.

[John Holmberg]

Stevo should do hot ones only with his Ass. Well, he did interview. He did.

[Brady]

When?

[John Holmberg]

I. I didn't know he did it.

[Brady]

Podcast with him. I had the hot sauce. My hot sauce is like, hey, I want to put it in his butt.

[John Holmberg]

You sound like, yeah, but if you do it while he's putting it in his ass and he's interviewing you, he would do it. I know he would. You get, like, would we get you to do it?

[Marlon Wayans]

We. I wouldn't do it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, no. Put a chicken wing of heat in your ass. I'm not doing it either.

[Brady]

Oh, you're saying wing it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. The guest would do it, too.

[Marlon Wayans]

If you give me a plane. See everything. We all got a price.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, everybody's got a price.

[Brett Vesely]

Everybody's got a price.

[John Holmberg]

I'll you show. Shove a hot sauce in my ass for a plane. That's easy.

[Marlon Wayans]

Which hot sauce?

[John Holmberg]

Doesn't matter.

[Marlon Wayans]

We're not talking franks. We're talking ghost pepper. Okay, okay.

[John Holmberg]

Okie dokie. I'll be crying. Who's flying this thing? We're going to Paris.

[Brady]

Last thing, Kono. Brian was on a podcast, and he was talking about how he thinks comedians are letting their anger at President Trump ruin their comedy. Comedy, because he says, you. You put down your best weapon as being funny. When you've all said it just turned into more anger than anything.

[Marlon Wayans]

I think that comedians are being shifted into a different zone of comedy. And I think in order to get there, this. You know, there's the five stages of grief that you got to lose yourself in, and one of the phases is anger. I think anger is good for comedy. It's great because anger protects you and makes you defensive and makes you. You go, I don't give a F. And so when you're trying to take down establishments or the popular vote or whatever it is the popular word as a comedian, when you go against it, you know, you immediately get the ooze. You're mini, and you want to just toughen your skin. So I'm not mad at angry comics. I think a lot of great comedians were birthed from anger. Paul Mooney was one of the most angry comedians ever. He would never make you guys his favorite white people because he didn't have favorite white people, but he was brilliant. His favorite white people would have been slaves, but he was brilliant. Let me tell you something about anger. Anger works in comedy.

[John Holmberg]

It works in music.

[Brady]

It does.

[Marlon Wayans]

It doesn't work on tv. It works in music.

[John Holmberg]

It works in music.

[Marlon Wayans]

Pain works in music. You know, you got to put it all. Vulnerability, like, you got to put it all on. You got to speak your truth on the stage, man. And if you're angry, then be angry. There's nothing wrong with that. You know Conan. I love Conan. He's dark, too. He's just not angry about me being dark. He's happy and dark.

[John Holmberg]

But I think with people assign is angry is often like their thing. Like you say something dark and they think you're mad about it.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, he's just angry and he changes it up.

[Marlon Wayans]

They thought Sam Ken was well on.

[John Holmberg]

He wasn't angry. He was coping.

[Marlon Wayans]

He was crazy. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Funny. And he was coping.

[Marlon Wayans]

He didn't find his funny until he.

[John Holmberg]

Started scrapping out the body.

[Marlon Wayans]

I was there. My brother. I should go watch my brothers do stand up. And I was like 12 years old. And so I watched Sam Kinison go on night after night, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb. And then one day he got pissed off and he just started screaming at the audience.

[John Holmberg]

It was brilliant.

[Marlon Wayans]

And he killed.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

And it was.

[John Holmberg]

And because we all want that release valve. So we went through him.

[Marlon Wayans]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. It's brilliant. Yeah. I think the tragedy plus time is funny.

[Brady]

Cocaine helped too.

[John Holmberg]

That's it. Well, that didn't hurt.

[Marlon Wayans]

Back then when. When it was good coke before. Before it killed food. I tell you this. There's a conspiracy. When they started making watermelon, sour apple and grape. I think he was telling me they're making fried chicken flavor. I was like, they come.

[John Holmberg]

I'll tell you this.

[Brady]

What's the number that they called fat back?

[John Holmberg]

I'll believe you because they have not made ranch flavored cocaine yet. If they want to kill fat white.

[Brady]

They'Re gonna wipe out. That's gonna call American blue cheese.

[Marlon Wayans]

Coming for us.

[John Holmberg]

Mayonnaise would be. All those people. They coming for us here in Arkansas. What kind of world we living in? They got mayonnaise flavored cocaine. I know what they're doing.

[Brady]

Doing.

[John Holmberg]

I'm with you on that. Until they make mayonnaise cocaine, it isn't for everybody.

[Marlon Wayans]

You got a lot of voices.

[John Holmberg]

I do a couple. I got a couple. This lady named Janice says tell Marlon his Netflix show was amazing. I cried like a. Hugs and prayers.

[Marlon Wayans]

Thank you so much.

[John Holmberg]

That's pretty great.

[Marlon Wayans]

I don't know if you're going to hear that as a comedy.

[John Holmberg]

I cried.

[Marlon Wayans]

But you know why you cry?

[Brady]

They'll be doing it live tonight.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

No, because my shows sometimes make you cry. Laughing and also cry because I talk about real stuff.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

My. I. I did a special called Good Grief and it was about my Parents. Parents and dealing with their death. But it was the funniest special I did. And now I have a new special that I'm working on called. I don't know what it's called. Probably Somewhere under the Rainbow. And I have a trans child. And it's about. I didn't know that the transition not.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I guess I did know.

[Marlon Wayans]

Not their transition. My transition. Going from denial to acceptance and the five stages of grief that I went through to get there. And it's a brilliant hour. And I really feel like.

[John Holmberg]

And that's a whole hour I want to talk to you about now.

[Brady]

Oh, yeah.

[Marlon Wayans]

Come to the show. You'll see.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that's awesome, Marlon. That's great.

[Marlon Wayans]

A great show.

[John Holmberg]

You're. You're the best man. Thank you for hanging out with us. Marlon Wayans at Stand up Live. Standup live.com. if you want to head over there this weekend.

[Brady]

That's it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it was a fine transition into this transition. We're all transitioning into Larry's show because we're getting.

[Marlon Wayans]

No, we're all transitioning and speaking of transition here one time.

[John Holmberg]

We'll transition right out of here. Larry's next thriller. Get the hell out of here. We're done. We'll catch you guys Monday right here in the morning. Sigma sellouts. Hey, it's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually.

[Brady]

No membership fee.

[Marlon Wayans]

I have heard enough of this.