01-13-26 - While Getting Gas Late At Night Driver Yelled You Suck At John - Timothy Busfield Missing After Allegations Surface - In Explaining Why Kids Suck John Realizes His Parents Intentionally Made Him Feel Poor

Summary

---

Holmberg’s Morning Sickness - Arizona

Episode: 01-13-26 | Air date: January 13, 2026
Hosts: John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Brett Vesely, Dick Toledo

---

Overview

This episode of “Holmberg’s Morning Sickness” dives into John Holmberg’s post-football-season blues, the unique joys and pains of being publicly recognized, ongoing NFL coach drama, a digressive but hilarious conversation about the masculinity—or lack thereof—of certain cars, a discussion about criminal accusations against actor Timothy Busfield, and an epiphany about why kids “suck” (and maybe, why Holmberg’s childhood diet sucked, too). The crew keeps it raucous, self-deprecating, sharply observational, and heartfelt as they swap stories and riff on their childhoods, sports, and parenting.

---

Key Segments & Discussion Highlights

---

1. Post-Playoff Steelers Pain and a Gas Station “Fan Encounter”

Timestamp: 01:15–03:26

• John’s mood is sour after the Steelers’ playoff loss—not just from the game but a late-night drive to “clear his head” going sideways.
• Memorable Story: While getting gas, a stranger recognizes John and bluntly yells, “The Steelers suck, Holmberg, you suck!” much like a notorious scene from “Being John Malkovich.”
• John marvels at how precisely targeted the heckle is, both for his football loyalty and his personal identity.
  • “Wasn’t like I was wandering around...I was 50ft from the dude and he goes, ‘Ah!’...I’m like, yeah, no arguing that tonight.” (03:01, John)
  • “He hit me in the Steelers and then made it personal by going, ‘And I know who you are too, prick.’...That’s remarkable. It’s just...I think the simulation is complete.” (03:29, John)
• They joke about the simulation and how these moments of random heckling almost feel cosmically personal.

---

2. NFL Coaching Carousel and Steelers Fate

Timestamp: 04:16–06:43

• John and Brady debate Mike Tomlin’s future as Steelers coach—a dry spell of playoff wins may lead to an “amicable” parting.
  • “You’re nine years without a playoff win and you’ve lost seven in the first round. That’s a record you don’t want.” (04:17, John)
  • They riff on the possible movement of NFL coaches: Harbaugh, LaFleur, Arthur Smith.
• Cardinals jokes (“Arthur Smith straight to hell,” “Sounds like a Cardinal to me”) and a suggestion that trading for a coach may be smart NFL business.

---

3. Car Choices & Masculinity (Subaru Outback and Honda Element Tangent)

Timestamp: 07:35–22:44

• Brady reveals he once owned a Subaru Outback, and John leads a prolonged roast on the car’s “lesbian” associations:
  • “He had like, the lesbian package on the back,” (09:43, John)
  • “It was the Navratilova Edition, outdoorsman, lesbian.” (09:48, John)
  • “No man has ever purchased an Outback on purpose. Except Brady.” (13:36, John)
• They riff further on “gayest cars for men,” lesbian stereotypes, and joke about Subarus serving as “portals” to lesbian gatherings.
• John shares a memory of a car salesman smashing a door with a bat, impressing his friend (and making a sale) because the Saturn could “recover” from abuse.
  • “Saturn’s selling point is that it can be vandalized and you’d never know it.” (16:23, John)
• Honda Element and Pontiac Aztec get pilloried as “terrible,” “tent-on-a-car,” “old-man” or “fail-mobile” vehicles.
• Episodic theme: the deep connection between car choice, social perception, and personal self-esteem in the group.

---

4. Timothy Busfield Allegation & Kids-as-Lawsuits Philosophy

Timestamp: 22:44–33:35

• John addresses the news of actor Timothy Busfield being missing after child abuse allegations:
  • “If you disappear for three days on an accusation of that, you did it.” (27:14, John)
• They joke about how the only safe response to any accusation is to never, ever interact with other people’s kids.
  • “Don’t touch any kids ever. Little kids come running up, hi, Uncle John! No, straight foot—boink.” (25:29, John)
  • “All I see is legal papers coming right at me.” (28:01, John)
• The crew reflects on their own avoidance of kids in adult-only spaces and laments parents who take their kids everywhere.
• They share horror stories about kids ruining restaurants, bringing messes and stress, and reiterate: “Nobody likes your kids.”

Notable Quote:

“The fastest way to hate kids is to have them.”
(31:39, Brett)

---

5. Why Kids Suck: Parental Manipulation and Holmberg’s Epiphany

Timestamp: 33:37–47:49

• Main Theme: John has a sudden, emotional realization that his parents intentionally raised him “poor” regarding food and material goods—possibly to manage his expectations, keep family costs low, and prevent him from developing expensive tastes.
  • “My parents chewed me out of meals for 18 years...He owes me some money because I ate plain hot dogs. I had to be like the cheapest ride ever as a kid.” (34:58, John)
• John’s sandwich of choice as a kid: scrambled eggs on Wonder Bread—served every day, which he thought was “high-falutin’ food.”
  • “My lunch...was a scrambled egg with two pieces of Wonder Bread around it in a bag...like we were rationing.” (41:14, John)
• They compare childhood meals, lamenting the lack of restaurant visits, and so-called “poverty food” that hid the parents’ own splurges.
• John questions modern parents who take kids out for sushi, expensive meals, and ruminates on how this spoils them:
  • “You’re creating a palate that you can’t keep up with! And the expectations of what a date would do...” (33:37, John)

Notable Quotes:

“My parents, who had money, were Jewing me on the food. Brett’s right. Noodles, everything—bargain basement ghetto food to keep me from liking good stuff so I’d never ask for it.”
(36:45, John)

“My dad still probably wakes up laughing, ‘I raised two kids, spent one thirty-four the whole time.’”
(40:14, John)

---

6. Show Wrap-Up and Surreal Realizations

Timestamp: 47:14–End

• John closes with the thought that his parents “fooled him,” and that maybe being babysat by Timothy Busfield would have been preferable to enduring a childhood of “egg sandwiches and Fritos.”
  • “I think I’d rather be babysat by Busfield than have to deal with that childhood all over again.” (47:41, John)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “That simulation is complete and solipsism is real.” (03:29, John)
• “If you disappear for three days on an accusation of that, you did it, your lawyers can’t answer—‘he’s just kind of nervous right now.’” (27:14, John)
• “No man has ever purchased an Outback on purpose. Except Brady.” (13:36, John)
• “The fastest way to hate kids is to have them.” (31:39, Brett)
• “I gotta divorce my parents. I think I’d rather be babysat by Busfield than have to deal with that childhood all over again.” (47:41, John)

---

Episode Timeline / Timestamps

• 01:15 — Playoff heartbreak, gas station heckle story
• 03:26 — Jokes about simulation, Cardinal fans, football coaching drama
• 07:39 — Car talk: Outbacks, Elements, masculinity and vehicles
• 16:01 — Car dealership stories: Saturn the “indestructible”
• 22:44 — Timothy Busfield allegations, “never touch kids” philosophy
• 25:29 — Parenting lawsuits; avoiding children in all situations
• 33:37 — John’s food epiphany, “why kids suck” and parenting manipulation
• 41:14 — Egg sandwiches for lunch, bargain food as childhood
• 47:41 — Concluding reflection: being tricked by parents, closing jokes

---

Tone & Language

Comedic, gleefully irreverent, occasionally crass, self-aware, and ultimately heartfelt. The crew balances brutal honesty with loving nostalgia, sometimes skewering themselves and their upbringings as much as the world around them.

---

Useful For:
Listeners interested in sports, parenting, childhood, the hidden class signals in everyday life, and those who appreciate unfiltered, authentic group banter loaded with sharp punchlines and real-life reflection.

---

Transcript

[Brett Vesely]

You're listening to the HMS podcast brought to you by MMP guns.com your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories.

[John Holberg]

It's John Holberg here. Shaylon away for new ac unit.com I've been telling you about the amazing new ac unit.com for about three years. New ac unit.com Put the power back in your hands. Three easy steps online gets you your unit ordered, inspected and installed by the best in the business. And I'm super excited to tell you that new aceunit.com now offers many splits. If you work in a garage, a casita, or even have like a man cave somewhere back in that garage, mini splits can be a must. New AC unit has it now and you can install it. They'll even include the electrical. Save thousands, save time. Buy online new AC unit dot com.

[Brett Vesely]

Hey, it's Brett Vesely and I'm here with Byron from MMP Guns. Look, Byron, I have a friend wanting to sell some guns he inherited. What's the best way for him to do that?

[Byron from MMP Guns]

Brett, the last thing you want to do is sell the gun to someone who can't legally own one. Tell him not to put himself at risk and come into MMP Guns where he'll get a fair offer and he can rest easy knowing it's not getting into the wrong hands.

[Brett Vesely]

Okay, but what if he lives out of state?

[Byron from MMP Guns]

Easy legalgunbuyer.com and he can do it all online. It's really that simple.

[Brett Vesely]

There you have it. Guns or legalgunbuyer.com the safe and legal way to sell your firearms.

[John Holberg]

Good morning everybody. Except for me. Pricks it is. Hi, my name's John. There's Freddy, there's Brett. There's Big Dick. 5:45. Shut up. It's the morning sickness. And to. And this is a pretty special moment. This kind of, you know, what are you going to do? Football's over and I'm more upset at the season being kind of at an end than I am the Steelers losing that games personal problem with the team that you love, you know, crap in the bed and all that. Big deal. They got beat by a better team. You understand?

[Brett Vesely]

I understand.

[John Holberg]

But you get beat by a better team, you just tip your cap, you walk away and you're like, all right, well, that's. That stunk. But I, you know, in my misery, I hopped in the car last night after the game, about an hour after, and I drove to get, you know, just drove around for. I got gas in the car. I knew I needed that for the Morning. So I'm like, I'll just run an errands, kind of.

[Brady]

It's like a Rocky you need.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, my little Rocky drive. My montage. And I go all I had to go over to the rental house and grab something anyway. So I'm like, I'll just make a little errand out of this. So I go over and I get, I get gas on 64th street and McDowell. Do you know remember the movie being John Malkovich and they used to shoot out of portals and they'd end up on the New Jersey Turnpike just on the side of the road. And one time John Malkovich himself shoots out of the hole and unexpectedly, just standing on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike. And the second he kind of appears, a car goes by and throws a milkshake at him and goes, you suck, Malkovich. Like the dudes recognized him immediately. It's one of the funnier scenes in the movie. I'm getting gas. I'm in my Steelers shirt and the guy goes, hey, the Steelers suck, Humberg, you suck. And I'm like, Jesus Christ now really? So to that guy having the eagle eye, all I was doing was getting gas. Wasn't like I was wandering around. I was 50ft from the dude and he, and he goes, ah. I'm like, yeah, no arguing that tonight. And he goes, see you, man. And I'm like, yeah. How did you do that? Salute. How did you do that? That you punched me. Oh, you hit me in the Steelers. That hurt. And then made it personal by actually going, and I know who you are too, you prick. And he hits me over the head with that. So then I started laughing because I'm like, that's remarkable. That's just. I did, I made a last minute decision to go wander around for a little bit and I hit.

[Brady]

Did you think anything of having the jersey on at all?

[John Holberg]

No, I don't care about that. Just that particular gas station at that particular moment in time made me realize the simulation is complete and solopsism is real. I created that moment through my own psyche and my own consciousness. To have that guy hit me personally. It's one thing to just scream, hey, Steelers suck. Yeah, they did. Thanks. See you, buddy. And then to go. And I also know you, you suck too. Like, thanks, thanks a lot for that. I appreciate. Just going to finish getting gas and I'm going to go hang myself. Yeah, it was another good. And see, this is what Cardinal fans. This is why you sit back and you don't interview. You interview. You get your Vance Josephs and your people out of the way. Mike Tomlin's not going to be there. I don't think he's going to stick around. Now the coaching thing gets real interesting. You're probably going to have.

[Brady]

So I was just going to ask. You think he's gone?

[John Holberg]

No. There's no reason to keep this up. You're nine years without a playoff win and you've lost seven in the first round. That's. That's a record. You don't want those kind of records hanging on your neck. So he's there. Matt LaFleur is probably. They're talking about keeping them in Green Bay, but there's an option there. Harbaugh, you've got some coaching candidates floating around that need new. You know, to breathe life into something new and leave the place they were. Doesn't mean it doesn't make them bad. This makes the message lost. I mean, there's some guys out there right now and some of the younger guys, too. So Cardinals quiet down about silly.

[Brady]

Where does Arthur Smith go?

[John Holberg]

He. Straight to hell. You knew that. Well, we've had some bad offensive coordinators and he's the best of the bad, but man, that was just. That was just an egregiously poor plan last night.

[Brett Vesely]

Go hang out with Matt Canada for a while.

[John Holberg]

Well, Matt Canada will never work again. That guy. I don't know how he got the job in the first place. Matt Canada was just awful. But Arthur Smith's better than that. I hope he gets a head coaching job and bury some. His. His scheme is just brutally safe.

[Brett Vesely]

Sounds like a Cardinal to me.

[John Holberg]

He. He would be a hire for that.

[Brady]

He.

[John Holberg]

You know, and. Oh, boy, this says John. Look at it this way. Your Steelers may have lost, but at least you're not a Baltimore fan. Look, I told you last week that that was my season. I. I knew this team wasn't going to go to the super bowl. So this was crazy. We were going to lose eventually in the playoffs, but you know who wasn't going to lose in the playoffs? Teams didn't make it like Baltimore and it was awesome. So that. That I felt good. This one says, I pray to the football gods that the Steelers fire Mike Tomlin and hire John Harbaugh. That would be fun. That would be a fun. A fun soap opera move. If they just swap spots. That would be. That would be a really neat, fun thing. I would. I would not be surprised that Mike's got a year in his contract. So the deal would be that he'd have to walk away. Or the Steelers would trade him and you can trade them. And the Cardinals would be smart to give up a second or first round draft pick to get a coach like that, if you can.

[Brady]

There's a couple of teams, I think that would do that.

[John Holberg]

Oh, there's plenty of teams that would do that. I mean, the Giants are one. But I mean, you've got options now. The leverage there. If he leaves, I think he's going to be done. I think there'll be a, a quiet parting of the ways. It won't be he's fired. It won't be I quit. It'll be mutual agreement that, you know, the time has come that he needs to take a step away and he'll do TV for a year.

[Brady]

Brief trip to Ireland, straighten things.

[John Holberg]

Maybe, maybe. But yeah, the. It's interesting. But yeah, that one was rough. That was a roughy watching that. And just like, all right, Houston's better. That's fine. Let's hope it doesn't get out of hand. And then it gets out of hand and then I just try to get gas. Simply try to enjoy the rest of my day. It had to be 11 o'. Clock. At 10:30 I'm getting gas. And hey. And he knew and it was he and two other people were with him and he had the biggest smile on his face. And I'm just getting gas. I wasn't like, I wasn't like, hi, everybody. I wasn't even being personal. I was hiding. Really. Hey, that's that Holmberg dude. Once he'd yell at him, it's punched me right in the guts. It was a good shot. So to that prick, if you're out there, I would like an email from you and I don't even expect an apology. I'd like another F you from that guy right away. That was very interesting. But yeah, you're fine. And again, I hope the people that don't like me.

[Brady]

That was in the Jeep, right?

[John Holberg]

No, I was in the. The Bronco.

[Brady]

Oh, okay.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Oh, he left one slur out then.

[John Holberg]

No, the Mark wasn't with me. Yeah, no, Mark wasn't with me. That's the again. You can go down that road all you want. It's only Mark. It's not even going to apply to me.

[Brady]

There's an example, right?

[John Holberg]

Perfect. Well, look, every day is an example. The only times anybody's called me the homo effort is when Mark's in the car.

[Brett Vesely]

You need to record this next time.

[John Holberg]

Mark's in the car. If Mark's in the car, I'm putting the phone. I'm getting dash cams.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

And I'm pointing them at. I'm like, I'm. You know what? I'm. I'm going to call Stebbings today and we're going. You and I are going to drive around for a little bit. He's going to be. Why? Where are we going? Nowhere. We're going nowhere. We're just going to drive around in high volume traffic and we're just going to wait for a girl to start singing Cher at you or guys to ask us what gay bar we're going to because it's.

[Brady]

You loop him around and then I want to put him in my rental. Rogue Nissan Rogue with the windows down and see if it happens. That.

[John Holberg]

I don't think that's. I don't think that would work on.

[Brady]

No matter what car.

[John Holberg]

I think the Nissan Rogue with two dudes in it is. That's like lesbians. Like you might think. You guys again. Yeah, that's. I think. Yeah. You can't have two fellas in a Nissan Rogue. That's sort of a family car. You two have adopted a Chinese girl. There's no question. That one is the Rogue nation. It's assumed that inside of that if there's two gentlemen that there's definitely some ass play going on. Just weird though. And Stebbings would do it. And you can't really test that because the Rogue has a. It's weird to see two dudes in a family Truckster. It really is. Like, that's an odd thing. Don't you think? Yeah. Like two guys in an Outback.

[Brett Vesely]

I'll Uber.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

You know, I've lived it.

[John Holberg]

You've been in an Outback? Yeah. And people thought you were the one.

[Brett Vesely]

You owned one didn't.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Two years.

[John Holberg]

No, it wasn't even a good. Yeah, it wasn't even a good one. You had it for longer than two years.

[Brady]

No.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. You had to because we. You had it at the zone and then you had it here for a while.

[Brady]

It was at the tail and you kept it telling you and gave it.

[John Holberg]

To your dad when he was driving when he was out here.

[Brady]

My stages of every two years.

[John Holberg]

That was a rough one. Yeah. And it wasn't even one of the good ones. It was a weird hunter. It was ultra. It had like lesbian package on the back.

[Brady]

Gold package.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, the gold package. What put it over the top. I mean, it was.

[Brady]

What were you doing?

[John Holberg]

It was the Subaru Outback. Yeah. It was the Navratilova Edition, outdoorsman, lesbian. It was Navratilova. It had a tennis racket on the side of it. It was gayest car of all time. If you're a woman. If you're a man, it's just like, oh, what? This is a loner. They wreck your car.

[Brett Vesely]

That it come with free tickets to share. Is just a CD in the deck there.

[John Holberg]

That might be Indigo Girls were. Cher was not. Cher was way too mainstream. This was.

[Brady]

I picked up the Indigo Girls.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, he had to. They just. Well, every time he'd stop, the Indigo Girls would appear and get in the car. It's like, I don't know what's going on. Your car is a portal to our lesbian ways. Yeah, that was the. Literally on the side of it. You know how they have, like, you know, different state. Like the. The Jeeps have the Renegade and all that. On the side it said outback Dyke. It was crazy. It was, like, butch. It was like there were two levels. It was butch, in fact, and Brady had it. That was the first time.

[Brady]

My first sense of pride.

[John Holberg]

It was the first time I ever. Oh, there was pride involved. That was the first time ever I heard Brady go, sweet. We didn't know what that was. I'm sure Double sunrise. I didn't know him.

[Brady]

Look at this.

[John Holberg]

Jim Wilson and I walking in from lunch when he pulled into that and we just started laughing. Check out my new sweet bride. Did you say sweet? What's that mean? Yeah, sweet. Like, okay, he's got a speech. Pride. I'm not going to make fun of him. What happened to your regular car? I traded it in. For what? When he get that car for this. What, did you lose a bet? I got a good deal.

[Brett Vesely]

When you walked in the door.

[John Holberg]

It can't be good when you pull up in your new car and people start like. And you're like, it's my new car. Like, yeah, right.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, really? Where's the.

[John Holberg]

Where's the real car?

[Brady]

It's in the shop.

[John Holberg]

It was weird for two years. Yeah, it was a. That was a good one. But the Outback, that's going to do that. There's nothing you can do about. But a man driving an Outback is just confusing because no man has an Outback.

[Brett Vesely]

What year was that thing? I'll look this up.

[John Holberg]

Oh, it was bad. That'll be 98.

[Brady]

Yeah. Probably right around there.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Yeah. It had to be 98 or 99. Yeah, that one was an odd purchase, but it was funny. I mean, if you were going for laughs, you got them. But A dude driving. I don't think since you. I've seen a man driving an Outback.

[Brett Vesely]

Not on purpose.

[Brady]

I do.

[John Holberg]

No, you don't. You've never seen that. You've seen a man with an Outback.

[Brady]

I kind of chuckle.

[John Holberg]

Oh. Oh. It's hilarious. If you see it, It's a unicorn. What? 98. No way.

[Podcast Announcer]

You know, when you're looking for your fix of comedy here in the Valley, we have three amazing clubs that feature some of the best comedians in the world. Up on the north end of town, you can visit the beautiful Desert Ridge Improv. Downtown in Cityscape, you've got stand Up Live and east side. Right there in the heart of asu, it's the legendary Tempe Improv. Plenty of entertainment for you and your guest, and you can even grab some food and drink. So see why the Valley is a comedy destination and get your tickets by going to Desert Ridge. Improv.com standuplive.com and 10pimpro.comberg's Morning Sickness.

[John Holberg]

I. I've never. I mean, his lesbian sister is loaning him a car. No man has signed the guys that.

[Brady]

Ride the bikes on the. On the weekends. Huh. And the. A lot of bike riders, like trail.

[John Holberg]

Riders that have outbacks. Yeah, no, I ride a lot of.

[Brady]

Bike rack on it.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. For the lesbians so they can go. It's never for a man. You're confused. That's exactly what it looks like. The gold wheels. Yeah, it was bad. Yeah.

[Brady]

I've never seen that scoop on the front hood.

[John Holberg]

Brad, I don't know how many times you and I have been on rides or bike rides or trail rides or anything else. I've never once even seen dudes piling out of an outback. No.

[Brett Vesely]

No, not that weren't grabbing their ass when they got out.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, no man's ever purchased one of those on purpose. Except Brady and then obviously was ridiculed out of it a couple years later. He had to hang on to it. But that was a rough one.

[Brady]

It's my experimental stage.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. You know what you were. Yeah. Experiment with the ladies. Why not? I think I found it with the mean lesbians. That thing just had. It just had big V energy coming off. Like angry vaginas. Like it. Yeah, it was like vaginas with vaginas with mustaches. Like they were angry male vaginas.

[Brett Vesely]

So the gold wheels and everything like.

[John Holberg]

That, it wasn't that ghetto, but it was pretty. That. Oof. Man, that's a car. Anyway.

[Brady]

How is that sweet?

[John Holberg]

Sweet. That's what we thought. He was kidding with us. Like, ah, they gave him a weird loner. We didn't even know at the time that those were for lesbians, but we assumed it because Martina Navratilova was the spokesperson for Subaru back then. We're like, oh, I see the angle. They're. They're tackling that market. That's interesting. And back in the late 90s, everybody thought there were like, four per city. We didn't know how many lesbians there actually were until, you know, Obama. And then. Then they just erupted. Lesbianism was humongous.

[Brady]

One of the good phrases on selling benefits. They're big in Denver. Oh, cool.

[John Holberg]

To be fair, you didn't know that 90s Denver was just a sea of lesbianism. We didn't know that it was liberal lesbianism everywhere.

[Brett Vesely]

Is that your worst car?

[Brady]

Yeah, pretty much.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Visually proud. Okay. I remember I was at a car dealership. My friend Brian, I don't know how they sold you that Outback. I don't know what the linchpin was to go, sweet. Where do I sign? I don't know what. That's. That sales guy. I hope he's in. He's got to be the greatest. He's like, in the hall of fame. I sold a Subaru Outback to a man once, and everybody be like, buy beers for him. How did he do it? I'm at the Saturn dealership, and my friend Brian's like, I was looking at these Saturns. You want to come? I'm like, sure. So I go out with them, and we're there, and this Italian dude is like, they make this out of different stuff. He's the salesman. He goes, they don't. It's not, like, metal. And I don't know what the product was that they made. Saturn. Saturn.

[Brett Vesely]

You could kick him.

[John Holberg]

He took a baseball bat and just smashed the door twice, and it pops back out. And then he kind of banged on it. You do anything to this car? And my buddy Brian's like, I'll take it. Like, it was the greatest. It was the greatest sales pitch I've ever seen.

[Brady]

How many times was he taking the bat to the door?

[John Holberg]

Well, you show people, but, yeah, you'd kick him, but, I mean, he was not comfortable with it yet, the dude. And I'll never forget it. I don't even know why I was with him that day. This dude Italian was. It was like, Brett in the suit. You go, hang on. I'll be right back. He comes back with a bat. And I'm like, oh, no, I've seen this. We're getting in a trunk. He's going to beat us to death. I thought we were going to be. And he just.

[Brady]

How big the trunk is.

[John Holberg]

Smashes a car with like nine miles on it in the. In the parking lot. Just one of his products. Look at that. You can do anything you want to this thing. I'm like, it's indestructible. And he mashed that thing and. And he stood there all proud of himself with the bat. And I'm like, this is Saturn's selling point, is that it can be vandalized and you'd never know it. And all I thought was, I want to beat the crap out of Brian's car on a regular basis when he's asleep and he'll wake up. It'll be just fine. It recovered. It's pretty amazing. But anyway, I hope the people like that dude at the gas station, everybody else found great joy. The ones that hate me in my bad evening with my football team, I'm not that down on it because I didn't expect them to do anything outside of make the playoffs, maybe get a win out of. They couldn't win it. So I was fine. The Ravens are out there in shambles, and I'm fine with whatever happens next, so. Good. I hope you have it. Like, Kevin has emailed me and he goes, I know. I now know what true love is. And John, you're right. You find something to hate and you hate it hard. I just watched the place I used to work, and they fired me because I was going through a lot of things. My dad had died, so I was sad. They pulled me into the office and said, you're too sad to work here. He said, well, I just watched them go out of business now, the people that screwed me for just having a few rough days and all the others that are there are now jobless, some probably homeless, corporate bobs. I am beaming more than I ever, ever thought I could. So much better than the day I had my first child. You're right. Hate is so much stronger than love. Find something to hate and hate it hard. It's a great sentence. Kevin ate it hard. And then when you watch them fall, your joy is. It's immeasurable, it's fantastic. So congratulations. I'm glad that the people that fired you are now looking for work. There's nothing better. Nothing much better. Should have fired Brady that day. It's like, gotta quit telling people you've got a sweet ride we're gonna build a parking cave for you so nobody thinks you have, like, we can't have it.

[Brady]

You did the right thing. Let him go.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, let that. Let that go.

[Brett Vesely]

What was the one with the stadium seating in it?

[John Holberg]

That was a terrible car, too.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

What was that called?

[Brady]

That was a Honda Element.

[John Holberg]

That's right, the Element. Okay.

[Brady]

That was Ronnie. Ronnie wanted that.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

She still misses that.

[John Holberg]

Well, she's wrong, then. She has worse taste than you in cars. That's terrible. Between the Outback and the Element, I'd take the Outback just for the laughs. The Element had no laughs. It was just dumb. The only thing Brady didn't buy that would have been worse is that Pontiac Aztec. That there. There was a guy at the sports station that had that car that turned into a tent, which I still don't understand why people like, the one thing missing from my car is a flimsy kind of back end. That can be a tent if I feel like sleeping in it.

[Brady]

I'm convinced Elon Musk, that was his favorite car.

[John Holberg]

They deal with it because there's a couple of elements. That truck, but the technology. Yeah, but at least he didn't add flimsy tense to it.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

When you're. One of your selling points is, hey, you got a Pontiac Aztec. That means life ain't going to work out for you. So the good news is you can sleep in this. If one of the elements of the car is you live in it, that's bad. Like, you're for good.

[Brady]

That was one of my Christmas presents this year.

[John Holberg]

A tent for your car gave me.

[Brady]

And it was a Hot Wheels Aztec.

[John Holberg]

Oh, that's cool.

[Brady]

Like, where's. Is that.

[John Holberg]

That is actually cool.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

Does it have the tent?

[Brady]

No. Hot Wheels don't really fold out.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. But they have doors, and it's a.

[Brady]

Race version of the Aztec.

[Brett Vesely]

Did you have an Aztec, too, then?

[John Holberg]

No.

[Brady]

No.

[John Holberg]

I was shocked that that didn't happen. But when there was a guy named Don that worked at the sports, I knew better. He pulled in in the Aztec. Don pulled in in the Asset. What you'd learned from the Outback.

[Brady]

No. If I would have been calling on a Pontiac dealership at the time and.

[Brett Vesely]

Advertising camel app, Camelback, Subaru buy from you after buying that Outback or whatever.

[Brady]

It was, was it worth it?

[John Holberg]

But did you get a special Brady's Morning cup off of that? Sure you did. That's why you bought it.

[Brady]

I bought it from the dealer. That was. I bought it from a client.

[John Holberg]

Right. But that was A client.

[Brady]

I. I don't know about special.

[John Holberg]

It was free. You didn't get like a trade. Okay. I don't know if you were scamming the system.

[Brady]

I probably ended up having to pay full retail. You're getting a good deal.

[John Holberg]

I know that when Don drove in in his Aztec, that Brady's head turned like, whoa, sweet. But then he had to temper that because he had to realize that's not sweet. I've learned that is not sweet.

[Brady]

If I was at a Pontiac dealership, it would have been between the Bonneville SSE at the time, back in the day. I like that ride and the gto, but I'd have to find an older one.

[John Holberg]

But instead you got an Outback just for the deal. I hope that Subaru dealerships, I hope they paid for everything through advertising. That was. That is a ride right there that nobody should have. By the way, you wanted this.

[Brady]

Not that one. It's older.

[John Holberg]

Brady's Benjamin Button when it comes to cars. When he was in his 20s and 30s, he wanted cars that 70 year olds liked, or like an 83. That Honda Element was weird. He drove that in and we all climbed in to go to lunch. And when you're in the back seat and you're a foot and a half higher than the driver, you're like, oh, later in that. What am I, what am I sitting in here? It was like, oh, there's stadium seating. I'm like, I'm not in a stadium. There's no need for me to see this.

[Brady]

There it is like that 90.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, you were. You were an 85 year old man in your 30s.

[Brady]

That is kind of like. It's their version of like the. The Taurus.

[John Holberg]

It's their version of the Sacho. That's the Buick Park Avenue is what that is. Yeah. No, when he was younger, it was hilarious to watch. That is an old man's car. Even then. Yeah, that's the Oldsmobile Regency broham of the 90s. Yeah. That wasn't cool at all. That wasn't it. No. We'd have laughed at that too, if you'd have pulled him. Check out my sweet ride. Smells like diapers. Arthritis medicine.

[Brady]

I'm gonna buy it.

[Brett Vesely]

I'll find you one.

[John Holberg]

Did that come with free Voltaren? Because I think it should. You should get arthritis rub for that. Anyway, ssci, by the way, everybody, Timothy Busfield from Revenge of the Nerds and Field of Dreams and everything else. Please call the marshals. He's kind of missing. He. Those kids, period, End of story. Like his reaction to being accused of kid diddling. He them. There's no question. He's. The marshals want to talk to him. They're like, nobody knows where he is. That's the sign.

[Brady]

It's all a misunderstanding.

[John Holberg]

He didn't mean to accuse me right now of diddling kids.

[Brady]

Tell everyone where he was going.

[John Holberg]

Do it. Say, john, I think you had sex with children.

[Brady]

I think you had sex.

[John Holberg]

All right, present the evidence, because there is none. I know deep down in my heart and soul that there is absolutely nothing you have on me. Please. And if he's like, we got some federal marshals downstairs want to talk to you about kid sex. Like, wow, that's shocking. Let's answer those questions because I know for a fact nothing. I did nothing wrong. And because I'm not a kid diddler. It's very easy. I much like when we went through the MeToo movement, and I suggest that everybody at work, women were a little bit crazy for a year or two where you couldn't talk to them or tell them they had nice hair. Remember that? Remember that weirdness? For two years, you couldn't say, hey, that's a very nice shirt, without risking your entire career. Your hair looks nice. Today was a Holy cow. Sexual harassment. Like, it was getting strange. So I came up with the Acknowledge female. When you see a female co worker, you just say acknowledge and you'd walk by. No interaction. No, I like your shoes. Did you cut your hair? Nothing nice at all. And same thing goes with kids that don't belong to you. Do not touch them. Do not have them in your home. Do not talk to them. Don't drive any of them to little League. Don't do any of it. What? 98. No way.

[Podcast Announcer]

All right, HMS Podcast time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Get up north to Desert Ridge and catch Aaron Belial and Zarna Garden making you laugh. Stand up live downtown at City Skate features funny man Akash Singh and Eastside at the Tempe Improv. Lots of entertainment there as you get. Newest kill, Tony regular Dedrick Flynn. Yo. High spotter Mike Goodwin and friend of the show, Kevin Nealon. For the complete lineups and for Tickets, go to standuplive.com Desert Ridge improv.com and.

[John Holberg]

Tempe improv.com Holmberg's Morning Sickness. Your kid and your kid only is allowed in your house for a little while if this is the case. Because if. If what Timothy Busfield is saying is true and parents have started a new thing where they'll accuse you of sexually assaulting their kids just for revenge. And you did.

[Brady]

Have you tickled my kids?

[John Holberg]

Yeah. And he admitted I tickled. Well, there you go. You're done. You're done.

[Brady]

The added tickling. Well, yes, he touched my penis.

[John Holberg]

Well, right. If you tickle and then you tickle and bump a pee pee, and the kid's like, he touched my pee pee. Your whole life. Don't touch any kids ever. Like, little kids can come running up, hi, Uncle John. No straight foot boink. I'd rather get in trouble for knocking one out than ever get accused of touching one because we're having a good time together. No, kids aren't. But Brett, high five. Oh, we have a friend. I won't say his name, but his son. He's got a son. And it's what, eight, six, seven, something like that. And his son has a. A filthy, poor friend that comes over to the house all the time, Stinks up the house, and he has to tell him all the time. This kid stinks, man. He's like, it just pig Pen and he hates him. And he's like, I came in and that wretched little disgusting kid was in my house and he stinks. I'm like, kick him out. He goes, I have to. And he goes, I won't high five this kid. He's so dirty. I'm like, you know what? That's gonna double back on you perfectly. If you never touch someone else's kid, even with a high five, you knock them down. It's a virus coming at you. You might as well think of them as Covid. Because this is a dangerous world if that's what parents are doing, is what Timothy Busfield said. Oh, I. Parents are mad. So they're accusing me of sexually assaulting. No, there's no way you. Those kids. Anybody says, john, did you touch that kid? I'd be like, nope. And you better have some pretty good evidence. I'll answer all the questions. There's not going to be. Does anyone know where John is for three days? Because that's a sign you probably kids. I mean, if I told Brady right now, hey, Brady, I'm pretty sure I have evidence that you had sex with kids and you left and then turned your phone off and got rid of all your social media, I'd be like, oh, my God, I was kidding.

[Brady]

I didn't tell you about the three day retreat.

[John Holberg]

I was just kidding. And I'm pretty sure Brady's reaction tells me he kids there's no question in my mind this Timothy Buster. And the story's like, well, this is a cotton dry. Well, I'm gonna go to court with this. If you disappear for three days on an accusation of that you did it, your lawyers can't answer, like, no, we know where he is. He's just kind of nervous right now. It's like, no, I wouldn't even get nervous. Accusing me of that. Do you know this kid? I'm like, yeah, well, we think you sexually assaulted him. Like, well, let's play the feud, because there's no chance that you're gonna have. You got nothing. I won't. I won't touch a kid. I don't want him around at all. The worst thing you can accuse me of is, yes, I knocked him over when he got too close. I didn't want him anywhere near me. And they're kind of wobbly and funny when they fall anyway. But if you're. And children like me, that's the worst part. When that's. People want. Their kids want to, like, run Magnet. I am. And I knock them down every time they think it's funny. But I will knock your child out. I have no. If it comes running at me, all I see is potential lawsuits. My dad taught me that. Years ago, my dad would come home from work, get these goddamn kids out of here. Never had friends in the house because all my dad said, one of them's gonna fall down and sue us. That's all. He was so afraid of it. Stebbings would come over. Jeff Begley would come over, and I'd open the door. It's like, can we come in? It's hot. Like, nope, nobody's coming in this house. My dad, he's gonna. He thinks out to sue him. He was right. I see a kid, all I see is legal papers coming right at me. I'm like, nope, this one's not. Aid ain't coming in. It has to be at least 22 to be in my house. That's the rules I have. If you bring a. It has to be parentally supervised. On a leash or something. Put it on a leash. Wrap it up. If you brought your dog over to my house, same things apply. If it bites somebody else, I get sued. So. But yeah. Hey, Brett, I think you. I'm pretty sure you touched kids.

[Brett Vesely]

Want to prove it?

[John Holberg]

See, there it is. That's the proper reaction. Prove it. Yeah. You don't go. Brett went to a retreat for a week. No, that's a guy.

[Brett Vesely]

I would go the other way, I.

[John Holberg]

Would go right to the police and go, I don't know what this dude's doing, but I hate kids. There's. It's the last thing I would ever do. I used to say I didn't hate him, but now I'm pretty sure I hate him. I just hate him. Yeah.

[Brady]

I love him. What?

[John Holberg]

Good, honey. Yeah, you don't want to say that. Don't say that. Acknowledge, child. This is my son Kelly, downstairs. She wanted to come over for one of the Steeler games earlier this year. She kept trying to drag her kids along, and one of them's like, 17. Because he's 17. I'm like, he's still a kid.

[Brett Vesely]

No, you didn't let her, did you?

[John Holberg]

No, she came over with somebody else. She tried to bring, like, another. It was the Lions game. She tried to bring a. A friend of hers over that was a Lions fan. I'm like, no, what are you doing? Like, you're not invited. Like, and you're invited. I'm fine. She's a very nice person, but you can't go dragging the opposition in your first day. You show up and show you can behave, and then we'll. We'll let you vouch for other people. That's how it works.

[Brady]

She just didn't know.

[John Holberg]

No, I told her several times, and she kept pushing the issue, and I'm like, now you're not invited. Now you can't come. Can I bring my son? What the. Absolutely. Have you met me? Absolutely not. No, he's good. Like, I don't gonna keep him at your house where he's good. He's not good at my house. Gross.

[Brett Vesely]

And she ought to know better. I know it's not. You know.

[John Holberg]

Come on, We've worked together for years.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

Can I bring my son? I don't want to meet your kids.

[Brett Vesely]

I hate kids.

[John Holberg]

I don't want that there. He's 17. Like, when he's more close, then we're getting up there. But three, four more years, maybe I'll meet your kid.

[Brady]

But go to Brett's bar. I mean.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

She hates kids, too.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, It's a ball almost as much as I do. My house is. I should have a sign that says adults only. All there is little lawsuit machines. I get a lot of sharp edges. I know those little idiots running around, trips over my dog or pisses one of my dogs off. My dog, you know, I've seen that. My. My. Our friend used to work with him, had a Jack Russell terrier, for God's sakes. And the neighbor kid started to play with it and he's like, what are you doing? And the dog kind of knocked him down and then went at him. They had to put the dog down because the parents claimed that the kid got bit.

[Brady]

Oh, I thought you may put the kid down.

[Brett Vesely]

No, that'd be better.

[John Holberg]

Equal. Equal should happen. It was. You know what? The kid started it. So we're putting things down.

[Brett Vesely]

If I sees a kid walking to the bar and she just turns into Clinton.

[John Holberg]

Get out. They. And they have to because they got food. Yeah, yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

Matthew says, I have kids and I hate them.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. The fastest way to hate kids is to have them.

[Brady]

She sees five dollar meal.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Because then. Because that sign outs like kids eat free.

[Brett Vesely]

I would never have.

[John Holberg]

Oh, oh, we did that.

[Brett Vesely]

Kids pay double.

[John Holberg]

Oh, I. I used to suggest that at Tony Roma's kids are extra like that kids men should be like, how come the kids burgers $15? It's like, so you never come back here with those kids eat free. Oh, we tried that for a little bit at Romas and my God, did those cheap bastards take advantage of that party of fix. Two adults, four kids, mother 18.

[Brett Vesely]

And they never tip on they tips.

[John Holberg]

On the 18 bucks and they got grilled cheeses and there was crap all over the place. Nobody likes your kids.

[Brady]

We don't serve Cheerios. Yeah.

[John Holberg]

Oh, yeah. But they were everywhere and they just left them. That's somebody else's life. Yuck. At the Rah Rah room down there at the Suns, some people, Kids in there, Sometimes people. I don't know how they have the nerve. The whole family rolls in there and they bring their children. And I'm like, ugh. Some lady brought her four year old in the table.

[Brady]

Like kids. There's that disgusting shock job.

[John Holberg]

Good, good. Yeah. Teach him to hate me because I. It's mutual, Heath.

[Podcast Announcer]

Gross.

[John Holberg]

I'm like, so's that tickle the kids? Yeah. Then I'm like, hey. Then they disappear for three days in Santa Fe and Marshalls can't find me. I. Those kids, there's no question that point. Rah rah rah.

[Brett Vesely]

Room lets him in there.

[John Holberg]

Well, we all. You hear an audible when one comes in. What's going on?

[Brett Vesely]

A little bag of Cheerios. Throwing them all over the place.

[John Holberg]

And me and Anthony just go, we're getting out of here. You feel bad for all the servers, you know, like, because they wandered around there and you're like, here's your Shirley Temple. Oh, I would just say no. I would put alcohol in it's like, oh, I didn't know children were here. I. Who brings kids to a. This is dumb.

[Brady]

Could he get a chocolate milk?

[John Holberg]

I'm kind of convinced that my parents never gave me good food on purpose because then I would want. I see parents taking their kids to sushi and like, nice. But like, what are you doing? You're creating a palette that you can't keep up with this. Like, they're gonna. And the expectations of, like, what a date would do. Like, Applebee's was pretty good when I was first kind of adulting. Like, this is decent. Like, I. We never got to go for sushi. My parents used to go, ew, it's gross all the time. With everything that could potentially be expensive, they considered gross. And that was a ploy that. Because they went out and ate it.

[Brady]

That was right when you were a kid. I mean, the first time I tried Sushi was like 1991.

[John Holberg]

Oh, it was everywhere. But my parents, like, ugh, no. But then I, like, they'd eat it. It. And my dad like, I love this stuff. I'm like, what? Where did that start? Like, once I was an adult, suddenly mom and dad were at like high end restaurants. And I'm like, have you guys been doing this the whole time? We didn't take your dumbass. Because then you'd expect better food.

[Brady]

I didn't like going to the high end restaurant or the country club brunch or whatever because you had to dress up. And as a kid, you hated putting on.

[John Holberg]

Well, I think that's on purpose, though. Yeah, I think parents.

[Brett Vesely]

No, you don't want to do that.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, I'm still that way.

[Brady]

Where are we going to dinner?

[John Holberg]

You know.

[Brady]

Oh, you need to wear a suit and tie.

[John Holberg]

I got to talk to my dad about this. He owes me some money because I ate plain hot dogs. Like, I. I had to be like the cheapest ride ever as a kid. I was like 8 cents a day because I ate tortilla shells and stuff. I was. Yeah, those kids were eating better than me. I had tortilla shells, sloppy joes. The hell was that? That cost a penny. My mom would make like, here. I'd be like, oh, delicious. Like, it was food. And then like later I noticed that these. These two mother are going out to some pretty nice places. They never took us. You weren't supposed to take your kids to that.

[Brett Vesely]

Like the highest class place Kurt Vesely ever took me was like Black Angus or something like that. And that's. Yeah, that was. And that Was like, nice.

[Brady]

And you thought, you want to go back after that? Or did you have to dress up?

[Brett Vesely]

No, not for that.

[John Holberg]

Black Angus was a thing.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

We knew, though. You can't ask for that. Just shows up once or twice a year. You can't. Kids ask now. It's like, I want to go to. I want to go to the sushi place. Or I want to go to, you know, Capital Grill. Like, what the hell did you do?

[Brady]

It was usually our grandparents that want, you know, like, if it was a someone in town or whatever. And then you go to a nice place.

[John Holberg]

Never eat something called a Coney. Is that like a Coney dog?

[Brett Vesely]

Like a Detroit thing? Isn't it?

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Yeah, basically disgusting. Human vomit, acid reflux in a hot dog bun. It's one of the grossest things you'll ever. My grandpa, that was his specialty.

[Brady]

He loved the Coney dog.

[John Holberg]

Three cents a person, max. I'm realizing as we talk about this, I was getting rotten. Like Timothy Busfield. Kids. All through my childhood on food, I never got good meals. What, 98? No way. Bloomberg's morning sickness.

[Brady]

Your mom cooked.

[Brett Vesely]

They were sticking to your namesake.

[John Holberg]

Them. But they were. I was. They were Jewing me on the food. Brett's right. Noodles, like, everything. We ate some good spaghetti. We ate. Oh, my God. I'm having a real. This is a Katrina. I gotta call Katrina. My parents fed me garbage. Bargain basement ghetto food to keep me from liking good stuffs I never asked for. We ate like. Like Toledo's. I ate like Toledo, for Christ's sake. Salisbury steak. We ate that. That was a big night.

[Brady]

You'd have. Everyone would have the TV dinner.

[John Holberg]

We had TV dinners.

[Brett Vesely]

The old tinfoil Brady.

[John Holberg]

Here's the other thing. We were excited about those. Jesus Christ. My parents chewed me out of meals for 18 years. Next thing I know, I'm with my dad as an adult and all he wants to do is go to high end everywhere. So. And I foot the bill most of the time. This mother owes me thousands of dollars. Housing. Please. You were saving money.

[Brett Vesely]

How to save that money to pay for all your ass.

[Brady]

A lot of baloney.

[John Holberg]

See, that's why I don't understand it when, like, people get divorced and, like, oh, I gotta pay. I gotta pay that broad like 2 grand a month for. I'm like, 2. It cost my dad, like 12 cents a month. To what? To raise me. What are you spending on a kid? Clothes and food. I'm like, clothes and food? 18 bucks a year, max. I don't think my parents Spent more than that. And they're in a house they would have been in with or without me. So it wasn't like they were. We put a roof over your head. Yeah, but it would be there anyway.

[Brett Vesely]

Mac and cheese with hot dogs.

[John Holberg]

And I got. And I loved it.

[Brady]

What a combo.

[John Holberg]

It was thrilling. I come home and smell that cheese.

[Brady]

God damn, it's gold.

[John Holberg]

Come on.

[Brady]

Six.

[John Holberg]

It's six tenths of a century grilled cheese from McDonald's. My dad needs to be a lawyer for men getting divorced and just sit. Your honor, I can raise a kid on 18 a year. I don't know what this guy's got to pay two grand a month for.

[Brett Vesely]

I think Cordell and Cordell's priority. Got his number on speed.

[John Holberg]

Called Dan Homer. He can do this down to about 12 cents a day. Maybe spent 12 cents on me a day.

[Brett Vesely]

Maybe.

[John Holberg]

Maybe never.

[Brady]

You got the private school you got.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. You don't have to do that. That's a Jones soccer league you've got. I look at private schools and public schools the same way. I look at the way water works. When we were kids, you could drink out of the faucet and everything was fine. And now you can't do that. Now you have to have like, a special ionized bottle to put ionized water in. It doubles down and it's like $14 for a thing of water.

[Brady]

My sister still does the Brita stupid jug.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, but school is the same because somewhere along the way, they made public schools like. Like water out of a faucet. And the only way your kids are useful are private schools. And that's just such a scam. It's not different. Brady's is a little different. Well, they want to teach them Jesus. And that's the difference. If you want to teach them Jesus, you got to go to that. Otherwise, public schools are just fine. They'll teach them to be men going.

[Brady]

For the Kool Aid.

[John Holberg]

Even the girls. Yeah. You know, you got the Jesus plan. You want to teach them the Jesus, then you got to go to that private thing. Public schools are just fine. There nothing wrong with them, but we made them tap water. Ew. Your kids go to A. And then all you need, especially in Gilbert, is, oh, they're going to Highland. And now you feel like you failed. But my dad would have been like, yup, and 8 cents a day.

[Brady]

My dad's not going to school with coons.

[John Holberg]

Eight cents a day. My dad still probably wakes up laughing. I raised two kids. I spent one 34 doll.

[Brady]

Whole time yeah, the lunch money bill is a lot different from where it.

[John Holberg]

Wouldn'T be if Dan was raising you. How much is lunch? It's like $83 a week. All right, well, you'll eat when you get home. I wouldn't eat at school if it was expensive. My dad would be like, nope. And we had money. Well, he had money. He kept closed off lunches.

[Brady]

Like, I had open lunch from elementary.

[John Holberg]

School on my brown. Bagged it. I liked it. My mom would make me. You know what I used to eat? Jesus ghetto. I am having a moment. My lunch, and I was thrilled with this pretty much every day was a scrambled egg with two pieces of Wonder Bread around it in a bag, an apple. Maybe some of those, like, baby Fritos. Like, get a couple of Fritos. Like, one wasn't like, a full bag.

[Brady]

The mini bag.

[John Holberg]

Like, she'd reach in with her. No, no, she'd reach into the big bag and put it in a Ziploc. Like, I get like, eight.

[Brady]

Portioned it out.

[John Holberg]

Portion. Like, we were in war with, like, we were rationing. And then, you know, one thing I did, like a Coke, because that was. That was my treat. But I was allowed to have two a day.

[Brett Vesely]

Was it a real Coke?

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

Okay.

[John Holberg]

Two a day. Oh, yeah. She didn't. I will give them credit.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah. Was it Mr. Pibb or.

[John Holberg]

They were brand name people. Oh, my God. Every day, my lunch was a penny. And I was. I was walking around like, hey, guys, what's going on? I'm the richest kid in this class. There's no question. My mom scrambles up some eggs every morning. We were Depression era. I didn't even know it until just till today.

[Brady]

Not even a PB and J because you want the scrambled egg.

[John Holberg]

I like scrambled. I thought it was highfalutin food.

[Brady]

That was your gold.

[John Holberg]

I loved an egg sandwich. How sad is that? And I'd sit there and just hammer a scrambled egg sandwich. Other kids look at him eating real food, going, that guy, his parents are broke. Terrible. Oh, my God. I didn't have a Members Only jacket. I had the Mervyn's version.

[Brett Vesely]

Mervyn's version was still, you know, I mean, better. Like, no, it wasn't pennies or something.

[John Holberg]

And my. You know, Remember those red and black? They were popular for all those Elmer Fudd coats everybody had for a little while. Mine was blue. Everybody had red and black. That was the cool thing. Mine was like your color. Like, it was turquoise and black. And it was like, yours is wrong. Like, immediately. That's not right. I know.

[Brett Vesely]

With the yellow front and bought it or something or.

[John Holberg]

I think she got it. Yeah, she got it. I Marshalls. And it probably had an irregular thing. It probably had a big bleach stain on the back. I didn't even see. Jesus Christ. My parents who had money were me like Timothy Busfield. They should be in hiding for. I might just go back and sue them for a few decent meals. Eggs, sandwich and eight Fritos. What the. Yeah. They never gave me money for lunch. That was.

[Brady]

She probably asked you what? Do you want anything else? No. No egg sandwich.

[John Holberg]

No. Because they had Brady. Because they were geniuses. They had trained me to not want more than a scrambled egg. We had those weird ghetto burgers where my mom just put Wonder Bread around. Meat bleed through. Your meat was pink and the bread started to turn mush. Still crushed it. Tortilla shells. That was a meal to me. I still do it. If there's tortilla shells in the fridge, they're gone. That is a full on 5 star. Awesome.

[Brett Vesely]

Was it the same with your sister too?

[Brady]

Did she give you a 6Pac El Paso for lunch?

[John Holberg]

One time. I remember DJ Lisicki threw a pencil at my bag because. And. And pencil pierced the Coke cannon. Sprayed out all over. Right. So I pulled that out. And I remember that day being grateful because my egg sandwich was in a bag. We're good there. It didn't get ruined. I didn't have a drink anymore. And then the other thing I had was a tiny pudding cup, but it was beans. Well, it wasn't put. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, it was.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. The little can of beans.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, that was it.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

Like refried beans. It was like the size of a quarter with like a mint. It was like a. Like a mint. A bean mint. Yeah. My mom's getting slapped next time I see her. But what a realization. I thought I had a pretty good childhood. That's. But I see people taking their kids out for sushi and. And I was convinced that just didn't exist then. But it did.

[Brady]

Well, there's so many more choices now. Okay. That's what I mean.

[John Holberg]

So my dad would say, oh, we didn't have options back. We didn't have food when you were a child. Like, yes, we did. We lived in San Diego for. They had food. I didn't ever. And it was.

[Brady]

You know, the mindset was, no, not going out.

[John Holberg]

But they didn't feed me anything good. It was all plain. So anything that had flavor, I thought it Was gross. And they probably just. My dad probably got a hand job every night. We fooled them again. The kids eating eggs like, there's no. We don't even need salt anymore.

[Brady]

It hasn't changed all that much as far as the kids. I mean, you see them going out to dinner every now and then. But the kids for the first. I don't know, all the way up.

[John Holberg]

To third or fourth grade, it's Brady. I was 20.

[Brady]

Chicken nuggets, Mac and cheese. It's hard to, you know, break them.

[John Holberg]

That 20 before I found a decent meal. I was 20 before my parents. Like, you want to go out with us to have something here? We're going to show you the secrets. 20. I remember going, it was a nice place. Like, this is delicious. Yeah, we don't have to pay for your meals as much anymore, so. And maybe my dad raised me. I'm thinking maybe shoes, clothes, food, house for. I live there till I was 22. 86 bucks total. Whole time he got. He got out of there for under a dollar a couple of years. Said, remember John? You were laughing at Toledo a couple months ago because he was too good to eat spam when he was growing up. Now John's crying that he was born a poor black child. It's true. Well, I didn't realize it till today. We didn't eat Spam, though. Yeesh. They. My parents, I think, ate. Well, I gotta call them later today and go, what was the deal with the food? Did Kurt do that to you, too? You eat all right. You got money for food when you'd leave the house.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, but it was like. Like in elementary school and stuff. I had the lunch ticket. You know where they did that? And then junior high, they gave me a couple dollars.

[John Holberg]

Do you know why my parents never bought me that lunch ticket? Because at school, they might feed you something and open your eyes that there's other options.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, no, not with that slop you don't want.

[John Holberg]

That's exactly better.

[Brady]

Stop. Shock.

[John Holberg]

I don't know. What if they had something? I was like, hey, you guys ever heard of this pizza thing? I've been seeing a lot of that at school.

[Brett Vesely]

Although the French bread pizzas were pretty. Yeah, those are on point.

[Brady]

Yeah, those are Friday fish day.

[John Holberg]

Brutal. Oh, I didn't. I didn't get any of that because I didn't have the ticket. My mom's like, we pack your lunch.

[Brady]

Well, ever since it was fourth grade on, I'd walk home for lunch.

[John Holberg]

Sure.

[Brady]

Chicken noodle soup, grilled cheese.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, you got you got extra soup out of the can?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

Two cents.

[Brady]

Learned to make. I learned to make it.

[John Holberg]

I bet you did. Did quickly. Yeah, I bet you did. Anyway. Wow, what an epiphany. Man, that guy at that Circle K was right last night. Homebrew does suck. I don't care about the Steelers anymore. I gotta. I gotta divorce my parents anyway. Well, I'm gonna eat. I'm eating right now. Eat good places now. Let's get a wake up song, shall we? 5 8, 5, 9, 800. I just kind of go through this mental nightmare, these gymnastics that I'm doing. My parents fooled me. Me, I think I'd rather be babysat by Busfield than have to deal with that childhood all over again.

[Brady]

Tickle me.

[John Holberg]

At least it tickles me. At least we'd be laughing. You give it to us good and strong, we'll scream it together. It's 98k. It's out of control now. 98 kpd.