Holmberg’s Morning Sickness - Arizona

Episode: 01-13-26 | Air date: January 13, 2026
Hosts: John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Brett Vesely, Dick Toledo

Overview

This episode of “Holmberg’s Morning Sickness” dives into John Holmberg’s post-football-season blues, the unique joys and pains of being publicly recognized, ongoing NFL coach drama, a digressive but hilarious conversation about the masculinity—or lack thereof—of certain cars, a discussion about criminal accusations against actor Timothy Busfield, and an epiphany about why kids “suck” (and maybe, why Holmberg’s childhood diet sucked, too). The crew keeps it raucous, self-deprecating, sharply observational, and heartfelt as they swap stories and riff on their childhoods, sports, and parenting.

Key Segments & Discussion Highlights

1. Post-Playoff Steelers Pain and a Gas Station “Fan Encounter”

Timestamp: 01:15–03:26

• John’s mood is sour after the Steelers’ playoff loss—not just from the game but a late-night drive to “clear his head” going sideways.
• Memorable Story: While getting gas, a stranger recognizes John and bluntly yells, “The Steelers suck, Holmberg, you suck!” much like a notorious scene from “Being John Malkovich.”
• John marvels at how precisely targeted the heckle is, both for his football loyalty and his personal identity.
  • “Wasn’t like I was wandering around...I was 50ft from the dude and he goes, ‘Ah!’...I’m like, yeah, no arguing that tonight.” (03:01, John)
  • “He hit me in the Steelers and then made it personal by going, ‘And I know who you are too, prick.’...That’s remarkable. It’s just...I think the simulation is complete.” (03:29, John)
• They joke about the simulation and how these moments of random heckling almost feel cosmically personal.

2. NFL Coaching Carousel and Steelers Fate

Timestamp: 04:16–06:43

• John and Brady debate Mike Tomlin’s future as Steelers coach—a dry spell of playoff wins may lead to an “amicable” parting.
  • “You’re nine years without a playoff win and you’ve lost seven in the first round. That’s a record you don’t want.” (04:17, John)
  • They riff on the possible movement of NFL coaches: Harbaugh, LaFleur, Arthur Smith.
• Cardinals jokes (“Arthur Smith straight to hell,” “Sounds like a Cardinal to me”) and a suggestion that trading for a coach may be smart NFL business.

3. Car Choices & Masculinity (Subaru Outback and Honda Element Tangent)

Timestamp: 07:35–22:44

• Brady reveals he once owned a Subaru Outback, and John leads a prolonged roast on the car’s “lesbian” associations:
  • “He had like, the lesbian package on the back,” (09:43, John)
  • “It was the Navratilova Edition, outdoorsman, lesbian.” (09:48, John)
  • “No man has ever purchased an Outback on purpose. Except Brady.” (13:36, John)
• They riff further on “gayest cars for men,” lesbian stereotypes, and joke about Subarus serving as “portals” to lesbian gatherings.
• John shares a memory of a car salesman smashing a door with a bat, impressing his friend (and making a sale) because the Saturn could “recover” from abuse.
  • “Saturn’s selling point is that it can be vandalized and you’d never know it.” (16:23, John)
• Honda Element and Pontiac Aztec get pilloried as “terrible,” “tent-on-a-car,” “old-man” or “fail-mobile” vehicles.
• Episodic theme: the deep connection between car choice, social perception, and personal self-esteem in the group.

4. Timothy Busfield Allegation & Kids-as-Lawsuits Philosophy

Timestamp: 22:44–33:35

• John addresses the news of actor Timothy Busfield being missing after child abuse allegations:
  • “If you disappear for three days on an accusation of that, you did it.” (27:14, John)
• They joke about how the only safe response to any accusation is to never, ever interact with other people’s kids.
  • “Don’t touch any kids ever. Little kids come running up, hi, Uncle John! No, straight foot—boink.” (25:29, John)
  • “All I see is legal papers coming right at me.” (28:01, John)
• The crew reflects on their own avoidance of kids in adult-only spaces and laments parents who take their kids everywhere.
• They share horror stories about kids ruining restaurants, bringing messes and stress, and reiterate: “Nobody likes your kids.”

Notable Quote:

“The fastest way to hate kids is to have them.”
(31:39, Brett)

5. Why Kids Suck: Parental Manipulation and Holmberg’s Epiphany

Timestamp: 33:37–47:49

• Main Theme: John has a sudden, emotional realization that his parents intentionally raised him “poor” regarding food and material goods—possibly to manage his expectations, keep family costs low, and prevent him from developing expensive tastes.
  • “My parents chewed me out of meals for 18 years...He owes me some money because I ate plain hot dogs. I had to be like the cheapest ride ever as a kid.” (34:58, John)
• John’s sandwich of choice as a kid: scrambled eggs on Wonder Bread—served every day, which he thought was “high-falutin’ food.”
  • “My lunch...was a scrambled egg with two pieces of Wonder Bread around it in a bag...like we were rationing.” (41:14, John)
• They compare childhood meals, lamenting the lack of restaurant visits, and so-called “poverty food” that hid the parents’ own splurges.
• John questions modern parents who take kids out for sushi, expensive meals, and ruminates on how this spoils them:
  • “You’re creating a palate that you can’t keep up with! And the expectations of what a date would do...” (33:37, John)

Notable Quotes:

“My parents, who had money, were Jewing me on the food. Brett’s right. Noodles, everything—bargain basement ghetto food to keep me from liking good stuff so I’d never ask for it.”
(36:45, John)

“My dad still probably wakes up laughing, ‘I raised two kids, spent one thirty-four the whole time.’”
(40:14, John)

6. Show Wrap-Up and Surreal Realizations

Timestamp: 47:14–End

• John closes with the thought that his parents “fooled him,” and that maybe being babysat by Timothy Busfield would have been preferable to enduring a childhood of “egg sandwiches and Fritos.”
  • “I think I’d rather be babysat by Busfield than have to deal with that childhood all over again.” (47:41, John)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “That simulation is complete and solipsism is real.” (03:29, John)
• “If you disappear for three days on an accusation of that, you did it, your lawyers can’t answer—‘he’s just kind of nervous right now.’” (27:14, John)
• “No man has ever purchased an Outback on purpose. Except Brady.” (13:36, John)
• “The fastest way to hate kids is to have them.” (31:39, Brett)
• “I gotta divorce my parents. I think I’d rather be babysat by Busfield than have to deal with that childhood all over again.” (47:41, John)

Episode Timeline / Timestamps

• 01:15 — Playoff heartbreak, gas station heckle story
• 03:26 — Jokes about simulation, Cardinal fans, football coaching drama
• 07:39 — Car talk: Outbacks, Elements, masculinity and vehicles
• 16:01 — Car dealership stories: Saturn the “indestructible”
• 22:44 — Timothy Busfield allegations, “never touch kids” philosophy
• 25:29 — Parenting lawsuits; avoiding children in all situations
• 33:37 — John’s food epiphany, “why kids suck” and parenting manipulation
• 41:14 — Egg sandwiches for lunch, bargain food as childhood
• 47:41 — Concluding reflection: being tricked by parents, closing jokes

Tone & Language

Comedic, gleefully irreverent, occasionally crass, self-aware, and ultimately heartfelt. The crew balances brutal honesty with loving nostalgia, sometimes skewering themselves and their upbringings as much as the world around them.

Useful For:
Listeners interested in sports, parenting, childhood, the hidden class signals in everyday life, and those who appreciate unfiltered, authentic group banter loaded with sharp punchlines and real-life reflection.