01-14-26 - FULL SHOW - WEDNESDAY - Holmbergs Morning Sickness 98 KUPD

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness – Full Show Summary

Date: January 14, 2026
Podcast: Holmberg's Morning Sickness (98 KUPD, Arizona)
Host(s): John Holmberg (John), Brady Bogen (Brady), Bret Vesely (Brett), Dick Toledo

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Episode Overview

This episode kicks off with the crew marveling at Arizona’s unseasonably warm January weather and quickly dives into lively discussions about NFL coaching shakeups, surveillance paranoia, the absurdities of sexual assault accusations against elderly celebrities, and a wild, satirical plan to take over Greenland. The signature mix of humor, irreverence, local insight, and morning mayhem runs through segments, with shrewd observations, ongoing bits, and O.G. morning show randomness.

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MAIN SEGMENTS & DISCUSSION POINTS

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1. Arizona Weather & Global Warming

Timestamps: [02:17-04:01]

• Unseasonably warm Arizona winter (“80 degrees outside...ridiculous”), nature blooming early, and John’s confused allergies.
• John jokes about the benefits of global warming for Phoenix: “Geographically strategic to global warming... rooting for the ice caps to melt. Yuma will be...beach will be two and a half hours.”
  Notable quote – John: “I’m not a scientist, but I’m not stupid. If sea levels rise a foot...ocean floods coastal cities...that just makes the oceans closer to us and drops our temperatures in the summer... It’s actually going to work out great for us.” (03:11)

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2. Mike Tomlin Leaving Steelers – NFL Roundup

Timestamps: [04:25-15:09]

• Big NFL news: Mike Tomlin steps down as Steelers head coach; discussion about his possible next steps.
• John rails against sports radio speculation and breaks down the mechanics of how coaching rights, permissions, and compensation or trade picks work.
• Musings on spoiled fan bases, coaching expectations, the “Cardinal trend” of hiring ex-Steelers, and candidates (Harbaugh, Gruden, Flores).
• Emotional reaction to Tomlin’s departure and NFL coaching turnover: “Mike Tomlin has never lost a press conference. He’s awesome.”
• Notable quote – John: “When your team wins 10 games every year, you should be happy. But they're spoiled because...they’re good enough to be a playoff team not good enough to be a real threat.” (10:04)
• Story about John’s daughter texting him Tomlin news from school faster than he found out himself.

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3. Surveillance Paranoia & Tech Riffs

Timestamps: [16:25-24:35]

• John’s wild theory about Samsung TVs “watching” him after a TV comes on while he’s in the room: “Now the TV can see me doing it... Next time you’re whacking it, just know the folks in Korea are watching.” (18:03)
• Classic home tech paranoia stories (microwaves, listening devices, phones for ads).

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4. Julio Iglesias / Celebrity Assault Claims

Timestamps: [25:24-44:44]

• The crew riffs on recent sexual assault accusations against elderly celebrities like Julio Iglesias (82), Smokey Robinson, and the absurdity of such charges: “You cannot be 82 and sexually assault anyone. I cannot feel sorry for you. Can't happen.”
• Extended comedic bit about the logistics and plausibility of senior citizens committing sexual assault—comparing old men, midgets, and apex predators.
• Notable quote – John: “If it's anybody under the age of 70 or, you know, fully capable, she's capable of cleaning a house. She's capable of kicking the shit out of Julio Iglesias, and I don't want to hear it.” (34:30)
• Comparison stories about handsy old men at the country club and the “old dirty bastards” golf league.

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5. Greenland Satire: “Blacks to Greenland” and U.S. Expansion

Timestamps: [48:06-67:18]

• John proposes a tongue-in-cheek plan for passive-aggressively taking over Greenland by incentivizing “undesirable” or marginalized Americans (notably, African Americans, South Chicago, Maryvale, etc.) to move there with cash bonuses and Hellcats (high-end cars).
• Carnival Cruise lines are suggested to ferry people over; playfully details U.S. history of neighborhood “takeover” tactics.
• Absurd brainstorming includes giving exemptions from child support for those moving, changing street names, and riffing on white Nordic “purity” laws.
• Notable quote – John: “We don’t need bombs for Greenland—blacks for Greenland. I say if there’s one thing I know about white people, they're insanely nervous about when their neighborhoods aren’t the same color. Greenland is white. This is an easy win.” (52:19)
• All considered pure satire—the team regularly reminds listeners to “stick to jokes,” while some emailers take the proposed plan literally.

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6. Emailer Feedback and Satire Backlash

Timestamps: [88:41-93:42]

• Heated exchanges with listeners who misinterpret the Greenland plan as real political advocacy.
• John clarifies (with biting sarcasm) it’s a South Park-style bit: “If anybody thought that plan...was something that is going to rally the base, you’re lost...I made plenty of...fart jokes. Julio Iglesias' finger was making tons of fart sounds.” (91:21)

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7. Brady Report & Morning Fun Facts

Timestamps: [95:39-110:01]

• Random facts (dog parks, Dali’s mustache, comet tails), job rankings (nurse practitioner No.1), and America’s fakest cities (Las Vegas, Venice, Nashville).
• Orange “booty holes,” ancient penis pens, and classic Brady silliness.

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8. Viral Videos, Boogers, and Hygiene

Timestamps: [110:07-118:35]

• Sharing of wild internet videos, including a woman catching fire during a backyard game, a knockout punch at a party, staged kick-fighting, an amputee woman, third-world “justice” involving public urination as punishment, and truly gross kink videos.
• Riveting discussion of nose-picking: “If you pick your nose a lot...your dirty fingers and the bacteria...linked directly to Alzheimer’s.” (77:00)
• Gross-out humor and hygiene confessions

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9. Exotic Animals & The St. Louis Monkey Apocalypse

Timestamps: [120:36-134:45]

• Story: Velvet green monkeys loose in St. Louis, not accounted for by any zoo—prompting riffs on Americans keeping wild pets, how “the simulation is broken,” and dreams of a Midwest monkey plague.
• “If you have exotic pets in your backyard, it’s not cute—it’s time to call someone.”
• Digressions on Arizona lovebirds and animal attacks.

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10. Rock Wars (Music Bit)

Timestamps: [134:45-149:07]

• This week’s Rock Wars: each host picks an anthem for the “new state” of Greenland meant to welcome the U.S. invasion.
  • Brett: “Nothing But a G Thang” (Dr. Dre)—as Hellcats and Carnival cruises storm Greenland
  • John: “American Idiot” (Green Day)
  • Brady: “Paradise City” (Guns N' Roses)
• Classic show confusion, penalty “Toledos” (for playing the wrong version or curse words), email votes, and in-show banter over stolen bits.
• Brett wins the week.

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NOTABLE QUOTES & MEMORABLE MOMENTS

• On Surveillance Paranoia:
  “Now the TV can see me doing it... Next time you’re whacking it, just know the folks in Korea are watching.” (18:03, John)

• On Elderly Assault Claims:
  "You cannot be 82 and sexually assault anyone. I cannot feel sorry for you. Can't happen. Even the world's strongest 82 year old man, no match for any woman under the age of 50." (27:10, John)

• On Taking Over Greenland:
  “We don’t need bombs for Greenland—blacks for Greenland. ... Greenland is white. This is an easy win.” (52:19, John)

• Responding to Satire Confusion:
  “If anybody thought that plan...was something that is going to rally the base, you’re lost in your own nonsense and you need to take a step away...I made plenty of fart jokes.” (91:21, John)

• Booger Etiquette:
  “You’re a picker. I’m a picker. We’re all pickers. You can’t help it.” (77:00, John)

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ADDITIONAL TIMESTAMPED HIGHLIGHTS

• Mike Tomlin Stepping Down and Emotional Press Conference:
  [12:15] John: “I watched a press conference after the Ravens game...and he came out, and I told my buddy John...he’s been crying...There’s an emotional end happening here.”

• Samsung TV “Watching” John:
  [16:56] “...I walked by the tv and...It moved. And I’m like, that's weird. And look back, and it was on the home menu, and I'm like, no, no. And I did that to the tv. I actually looked at it, waved my finger like, to Kimberly Mutumbo: ‘No, we're not doing this.’”

• Reacting to E-Mail Pushback: [91:20] John: “He hates these tarts! ... That plan wouldn’t work for MAGA because it involves paying Black people. Right? They wouldn’t do that.”

• Monkey Invasion Commentary:
  [121:33] "If Brady/slash someone has an exotic pet in their backyard, it isn't funny...It's time to call someone and have that put into a facility.”

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OVERALL TONE & STYLE

The show is fast-paced and unapologetically off-the-wall, mixing pop culture, sports, social commentary, and Arizona-local humor with raunchy, irreverent banter. John’s caustic wit and deadpan delivery drive much of the conversation, with the rest of the crew chiming in for punchlines, reminders of ongoing challenges, and a little bit of fact-checking (mixed with plenty of mockery).
While satire and “just jokes” are the backbone, the show occasionally swerves into sharper social commentary—always wrapped in absurd hypotheticals and self-aware defenses.

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SEGMENT GUIDE / QUICK ACCESS

• [02:17] – Weather & Global Warming
• [04:25] – Mike Tomlin and NFL Coaching Drama
• [16:25] – Samsung TV Surveillance Riff
• [25:24] – Julio Iglesias / Smokey Robinson Elder Scandal Bit
• [48:06] – Satirical Greenland Takeover Plan
• [77:00] – Nose Picking, Hygiene & Alzheimer’s
• [120:36] – Velvet Monkeys Take St. Louis
• [134:45] – Rock Wars (Music Parody Segment)
• [149:07] – Entertainment Drill & Show Wrap

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For First-Time Listeners

• Expect unfiltered opinions, dark humor, and little sacred ground.
• Satire sometimes gets mistaken for sincerity—but the show’s big jokes are generally signposted.
• The in-house sports knowledge is real; the social science, less so.
• It’s Arizona-centric, but the topics veer wildly (sports, tech, elder sex scandals, exotic pets, hygiene, and geopolitics).

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SUMMARY

This episode fuses NFL coaching shakeups (Mike Tomlin’s surprise exit), lampoons tech surveillance paranoia, turns sexual assault allegations against octogenarian celebrities into an extended, darkly comic bit, and presents a satirical, over-the-top scheme (complete with Hellcats and carnival cruises) to claim Greenland. Local Arizona shoutouts, hygiene overshares, and the show's reliable “fun facts” segment round out the hour, culminating with a mock musical contest. It’s classic Holmberg’s Morning Sickness: bold, brash, and never predictable.

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Contact Information

Vote for next week’s "Rock Wars:" [e-mail]
Podcast/Song Suggestions: Text 97936

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[End of Summary]

Transcript

[Brett]

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[John Holberg]

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[Brett]

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[Brady]

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[John Holberg]

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[Brady]

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[Brett]

Okay, but what if he lives out of state?

[Brady]

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[John Holberg]

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[Brett]

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[John Holberg]

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[Brett]

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[John Holberg]

Good morning, everybody. Hello there. Welcome to Wednesday. It is 5:45. My name's John. There's Brady, there's Brett, There's Toledo. This is the morning sickness. And off we go for a glorious Wednesday morning. It's like 80 degrees outside. It's. This is ridiculous. I'm. My Brady and I were talking about. The trees are starting to bloom. Like the outside is confused. It's like, huh. Okay. Well now this morning I got in my car, I leaned forward and my nose just started gushing blood. I'm like, no, no, no. This isn't supposed to happen until March. I get my allergies in March.

[Brett]

I was just gonna say my allergies are confused too.

[John Holberg]

So everything's kind of like, what? But it's.

[Brady]

Spring is coming.

[John Holberg]

I'll take it. Phenomenal. 77. Yesterday I was driving around, I'm like, this is just awesome. And I'm one of the few. Yay for global warming. This is amazing. Summers might be a little rough, but.

[Brett]

I was just gonna say, does this mean our summers is gonna.

[John Holberg]

But again, if insane. I'm not a scientist, but I'm not stupid. If they keep saying that the sea levels rise a foot, the assumption is that the ocean would then flood the coastal cities. That just makes the oceans closer to us and drops our temperatures in the summer because we'd be. It's. It's actually going to work out great for us. Anybody over about a thousand feet elevation, you're going to be just fine. You're going to be great. Albuquerque screwed because it's going to get really warm over there. But we're good. We're good.

[Brady]

Who cares?

[John Holberg]

We're in Phoenix. It's geographically strategic to global warming. We're doing great for a few years. We're going to have to tolerate the summer temperatures getting hot. But I'm rooting for the ice caps to melt. Yuma will be. The beach will be two and a half hours.

[Brady]

It's going to be great.

[John Holberg]

It's going to get. All of a sudden they just moved us to Palm Springs and that's us. That place is going to flood. That's. Well, yeah, but they, you know, people would move and make it better.

[Brett]

Hopefully gets better.

[John Holberg]

You put beachfront at Yuma. Even Yuma's good. Got a good McDonald's. Everybody knows the McDonald's in Yuma. It's a great McDonald's loaded up.

[Brett]

It's better than yeah average McDonald's.

[John Holberg]

They know how to get you through a drive through in Yuma better than any other place.

[Brett]

They know you don't want to be.

[John Holberg]

In Yuma because you're in a hurry to get. Nobody's staying in Yuma. Yeah, that's true. I don't even know why they put hotels in Yuma. Like really, we couldn't make it all the way. You got, you got three hours left.

[Brady]

They stand out.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, it's like, wow, somebody must have had some severe car trouble. There's nobody's like booking a room in Yuma. Anyway, I'm all the emails, everybody's talking to me about the Mike Tomlinson thing yesterday. A little bit shocking that he stepped away when he did and how he did it. Mike Tomlin no longer the coach. And I listened to a little local sports radio yesterday and oh my God.

[Brett]

The sources tell you there's some venting.

[John Holberg]

Why wouldn't they throw at why? Why don't you make a pitch for Mike Tomlinson? John Gambit ding dong. I tell you exactly why. Because, well, and you should actually. It isn't wrong the Cardinals being a terrible organization. You have to trade to get Mike Tomlin. Still you have to give up something because the Steelers own his rights. But he stepped away as the head coach and for the next year at the very least, in order to even discuss coaching, you have to ask the Steelers permission and then there'll be compensation for it. If you decide you're going to hire him and I think you get com. I think you have to give up compensation just to speak with him like all right, if you want to talk to our coach, it goes anywhere. This is the price tag. So if I'm the Cardinals, what do they have like the third or fourth pick or something like that in the draft gone. I'd hand that over in a heartbeat to get a coach like that and then guarantee. But he's going to get, he's going to get 25 million from Fox or CBS or whoever's going to hire him to sit at the pregame shows and whatever NFL Network he's. He is a in demand. So if you're willing to throw the money at him and you're dying to have relevance at the head coaching position for the first time, you tell Mike you're going to help us rebuild this organization. We don't care. He's not going to have a winning season next year, but it'll be more competitive. I'll tell you that.

[Brett]

How many years was he still signed for?

[John Holberg]

Another one and then an option year. So yeah, his basically this will be the last owned year the Steelers can. And you know, him stepping away told me that the Steelers weren't exactly prepared for that because they had to come up with, all right, well if you're going to leave, we get to hang on to you because you're kind of blind.

[Brady]

Could approach him and he's saying, I'm interested. And he'd have to get permission from the.

[John Holberg]

The team was. The team would not the. Not Tomlin.

[Brady]

That's what I'm saying. The team would have to get permission from the Steelers. And they say, okay, yeah, you can have them free and clear.

[John Holberg]

No, they have to. Well, let's say the Cardinals call the Steelers and say we want permission like, all right. And I don't know if they would have to compensate him for even saying, all right, you're gonna bother him just for wasting our time. We're gonna give us a fifth rounder just for saying yes to you. And then if they hire him at all, there would have to be a trade. There would have to be like a compensation. A couple picks. You'd have to give a few picks up. You'd have to. If they hire him, you owe the Steelers. You would give up. I don't know what the thing would be that you'd have to give up a pick. And I would say it would be at this point a one or a two. If I'm the Steelers, I'm not letting him jump right back in. I'm not letting him coach. I mean the Ravens. If I'm the Steelers, I'm like, the price is four first round picks. I'm not, I'm not allowing it. The Browns now 10 first round picks. You're not going to be in the division. So they control that for the most part. And he's probably not going to come back. But it was a, you know, the day after boom was less than 12 hours that he decided to say I'm stepping away. So he knew this before. It's a, it's a crazy one. But if you're the Cardinals, take the big swing. Here's your big swing. I wouldn't do it for Harbaugh, but I would do it for Tomlin and I would do it for Gruden and I would do it for guys who actually are going to be the face of your franchise in ways you can't imagine the media. He's never lost a press conference. Mike Tomlin has never lost a press conference. He's awesome. So if you want that.

[Brady]

It's a Cardinal trend, like going after veteran Steeler players.

[John Holberg]

Well, yeah. An old coach.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

Wizen Hunt was a Steelers assistant and brought him on over, so they're not.

[Brett]

Going to pay him.

[John Holberg]

In fact, Wizen Hunt came to the Cardinals because he was the heir apparent to Bill Cower and didn't do well in the interview. Tomlin got the job. So Wizen Hunt came here so it could be that perfect circle because that was the same year they were hiring. You asked Mike Tomlin, how come. How come you're stepping away sucking. Okay, well, that's fair enough, I guess, of that. But you. Yeah, I mean, the dude. The dude never lost a press conference, so. Or had a losing season. So Cardinal fans get on it, but it was weird. It's a weird feeling as a fan to sit and watch that. There's already rumors of Kyler Murray and Mike Tomlin always having a relationship. And I don't see him coaching this year. If he does, he ain't picking this place. If he's got his druthers, there's good, good jobs available. Steelers would give them right to the Giants because the Rooney and Mara families are so close. I mean, there's marriage within those two families. So they would be like, nfc, go have you. Go. Go have a field day over there in New York and win it all. We'll see. But it was weird. It certainly wasn't a normal football day yesterday for anybody, and we'll see who. Who goes where. But now everything's different. Everything's different teams. Now with Coton, you think about it, you got an average coach and a team that's an almost. And Mike Tomlin and John Harbaugh, Kevin Stefanski, and all these coaches are sitting out there staring at you going, really? Kellen Moore, you stick with that, okay? You're gonna. You're gonna regret that in a few years when you're firing your next coach.

[Brady]

You know, from the. The way this season went, it. It didn't surprise me all too much just hearing you, the feedback and other fans of the Steelers that if he would have continued on next year, a coach of the Steelers, it would have been just miserable because people were starting complaining. They're like, I think it's done. I think Tomlins, people that are. Time is done.

[John Holberg]

When Your team wins 10 games every year, you should be happy. But they're spoiled because they're not. They're always almost. They're good enough to be A playoff team not good enough to be a real threat. And that is a spoiled fan base. Big time.

[Brady]

Marvin Lewis.

[John Holberg]

Be careful what you. Yeah. Marvin Lewis was. Never won anything, though. Tom's actually done it. Yeah. Oh, he was. He was not good at that. But again, to me, that's. That's a team that wasn't good enough. Marvin Lewis was. You know, everybody blames him for why the Bengals didn't go further. And maybe he was part of it or not, because nobody since has come in just like, wow, we really took that same thing. They got the super bowl because they got Joe Burrow. Marvin Lewis would have won playoff games if he had Joe Burrow, period. So, yeah, those moments where you're kind of like, I'm just saying.

[Brady]

I'm saying for Tomlin's side of it, I think next year, I mean, and looking at the Ryan Day thing from Ohio State, as far as. For a coach that's on that bubble.

[John Holberg]

It'S just like the expectations are super high.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

So when you don't go to the super bowl, like, look at Bears fans. They're just thrilled to be there. They won a game. And it's just. It's a constant erection. You guys, any further and it's like, oh, my God, you're living.

[Brett]

Bonus.

[John Holberg]

At this point, it's all high. It's all. It's the halcyon. It's. You're thinking of the old 85 team and you're comp. And everything. It's like, oh, there's anniversary. You're so happy. Steelers wouldn't have even been very happy winning this game. Like, all right, finally. So when. When franchises have higher expectations and aren't meeting them, the coaches get blamed. And in this day and age, coaches get fired for losing playoff games. The Bills are about to go through it. They won the game last week, but if they get trounced next week by an upstart, if you lose to Denver, who's like, kind of shouldn't be there, but should be there. And the Bills, who are the team that everybody's like, okay, this is their year. A clear path. No Burrow, no Mahomes, no Lamar. This is their walkthrough and they get beat, they're going to fire their coach. Or think about it. The packers are maybe going to fire their coach. That's ridiculous. You used to make the players. You'd stay like, that's a. You get a couple years because you took this team to play, especially with an average roster. But yeah, it's. NFL is Crazy. It's so weird right now.

[Brett]

You think if they would have won that game that Tomlin would have stayed? Or you think he was.

[John Holberg]

I think he was done anyway. I think he was done. I watched. Regardless. I watched a press conference after the Ravens game because I watch all of them. And he came out, and I told my buddy John, who was standing next to me as we watched, I said, he's been crying. We've watched. I've watched every post game press conference this guy's had. And I'm like, he's been crying like he. What? Whatever. He told the team, there's an emotional end happening here. Something's wrong, or. Because he's never that in the moment. And I'm like, he was very emotional. And I'm like, that's not. I wonder if he told him, this is it. It's my last playoff run. Give it to me. But he was not. You know, anyway, he's like, I can't.

[Brady]

You know, DK came in. I can't take one more look. Artiste. Wide receiver.

[John Holberg]

Well, then he shouldn't be in the NFL, because you can't win without one. Yeah. The weird part is, is that, you know, the general manager of the Steelers should be in a little more hot water because he hasn't put a roster together that can win. And they draft 22nd or 21st every year. You can't get that impact player every time. You're going to strike. You're swing and miss most of the time. Cardinals are the opposite. They have top five pick all the time, and they swing and miss on those, which is nearly impossible not to accidentally hit one out of the yard with a top five pick. And they screwed it up all the time up until recently. The Bears, with Mitch Trubisky as second pick overall, ahead of Patrick Mahomes and Deshaun Watson. Traded up, gave up draft capital for it. Yeah. So anyway, NFL, it dominates our worlds. And I, for one, will love Mike Tomlin. And I miss him already. Can't have it. All Right, well, I understand. Unacceptable. Okay. I won't love on you that much more. Black Jesus is no more. Or plug in a second Black Jesus. Brian Flores from the Vikings. I like him, too. So we'll see. Jesse Minter. There's all sorts of. And evidently, the phone exploded in Pittsburgh. That is a job people want. I bet you that didn't happen in Cleveland. They announced that they were firing Kevin Stefanski, and they're like, how come nobody calls us and says, is the job available?

[Brady]

Our phone lines Are messed up.

[John Holberg]

Something's going on. We must have those digital phones. But it was interesting to say the least. I. I was doing the sports podcast with Hell Australia yesterday, and Steve McCollum comes in and he. He, like, waves his phone. What? Right in the middle of it. And I'm like, huh? And he sent me. I'm like, all right, let me check. I checked my text. It says, tomlin, step down. I'm like, whoa. So right in the middle of it, we were kind of just batting around. Whatever. Yeah. It was breaking news on a recorded podcast. It was crazy. So odd day. And then my phone just went just like everybody things that they're telling me. Like, I'm walking the desert alone, and I have no idea without my friends telling me. I love that. That people will tell you. I have the news. I broke the news to you. I'm the newsbreaker. It's like, it was an hour ago. Yeah, I know. I just found out, though. So it's important for me to tell everybody. I know that.

[Brady]

Just in case. It could be the one.

[John Holberg]

You're not the one.

[Brett]

I saw it coming.

[John Holberg]

I was like, no. Yeah. You think I would have been blind on that one. I know what the guy had for breakfast.

[Brady]

But I got my scoop reporter, too. At sports.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Kirby, your daughter texts you stuff.

[Brady]

You're in school.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Well, doesn't matter.

[Brady]

I'm supposed to be back.

[John Holberg]

And does she think. Did she scoop it to you? Did you not know until she told you.

[Brady]

In the afternoon? No, I didn't know.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

I was gonna say yeah, but within, like, 15 minutes of. I mean, when it first came out.

[John Holberg]

Oh, she. She.

[Brady]

She had it pretty quick.

[John Holberg]

She has her phone on in school.

[Brady]

Must.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, because it happened at, like, 11:30. Yeah, you should talk to her about that. Was right.

[Brady]

At lunch.

[John Holberg]

No. So she went to lunch and found it. So they're allowed to have the phone back at lunch?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

Huh. That's what she tells you. Yeah. Tomlin out.

[Brett]

She actually had lunch.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Was she at lunch back?

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

My dad's gonna think this is great, man.

[Brady]

Hey, dad.

[John Holberg]

Man.

[Brady]

Back to school.

[John Holberg]

I'm over at the Sunday's best.

[Brady]

Man.

[John Holberg]

I can't believe it. I know. Thanks. Curbin herbs.

[Brady]

She did say, do you want anything from the dispensary?

[John Holberg]

Yeah, it's just strange. Well, everybody knows everything. And by the way, I have a breaking news to report about Samsung televisions. There's been some sort of weird update with the Samsung television behind our backs. I went to the rental house yesterday, and it's been on sleep mode, so it's not off. It's just doing that little weird purple lines to keep it moving. And normally you'd have to pick up your remote and hit something. I walked by it, and it went to the home screen.

[Brady]

Come on.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. And I'm like, oh, I see you gave up the game there a little bit. Samsung television. You're watching me, and I can't tell you how many times, just out of boredom, when I'm working around that rental house, I go on that couch and beat it. And now the TV can see me doing it. I know the phone can watch me do it, But I know for a fact now that that TV is knows when I'm around. It went to the home screen of YouTube TV. It wasn't on YouTube last time I was there. It went back.

[Brady]

No, guess before that.

[John Holberg]

No. Nothing for the last five days. I walked by the tv and I'm like. And I. It moved. And I'm like, that's weird. And look back, and it was on the home menu, and I'm like, no, no. And I did that to the tv. I actually looked at it, waved my finger like, to Kimberly Mutumbo. I'm like, no, we're not doing this. It was almost like the TVs like, whoops, he didn't touch the remote yet. I did it too early. It's watching us.

[Brett]

Did the Scooby Doo laugh come out of the.

[John Holberg]

Like, the TV's on to me scoop.

[Brady]

No, I.

[John Holberg]

It was weird because that's not happened before. Normally you have to grab your remote and then it goes off of the. The. The saver screen and jumps into something if you hit a button. This one was just me walking by, and I'm like, how about that? So next time you're whacking it, just know that the folks in Korea are watching, and I'm fine with that. Put on a show and they have to just sit and go, he just got a lay there on a couch with that all over Hitami. Somebody pixelate.

[Brady]

Go.

[John Holberg]

Go wash off your stomach.

[Brady]

I won't do it in the Samsung rooms.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, the. Whoever's a Vizio.

[Brady]

And the other one, I don't know.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, yeah, don't. Yeah, don't jerk off on your Samsung because there's a reason they put dua lipa on the box when you buy us. Like, we know what you're doing. Oh, he going to sleep. It's on. He gonna dry up. He. I got to call in supervisor. This is disgusting. So whoever little Korean guy is monitoring me. Or Chinese or wherever he is. He watches some stuff all afternoon meetings.

[Brady]

They must have like a bait scan. Let's check out today's.

[John Holberg]

Oh, he pick up our videos. He pick up his sock. Oh, he's using his. Oh, he put it on the floor. He go to sleep. What are you doing? I wish he would just watch TV sometime. All he does is jerk off.

[Brady]

They end their meetings with three or four of them. Check these out. You watch this yesterday.

[John Holberg]

He did it again. They have a special Homeburg camp. This guy is relentless. Look, he go to game day, Men's Health. I go too. That guy, he like fountain.

[Brett]

You'd have really freaked out if you walked by a tv. Hello, John.

[John Holberg]

Hi, John. Welcome home. It's been some time.

[Brady]

Hey.

[John Holberg]

Rental tv. Yes. Your last guests were kind. Here's a video of them. Oh, my God. And there's the other thing.

[Brett]

Pornhub or you porn.

[John Holberg]

Your choice. If it would have gone to that. If it would have just connected to my phone. Let's. Let's. Eric, let's do it now. Let's get it out of the way. Madison Ivy or the Orgasm compilation. Okay, the Money Shot compilation. But how do you know a sexa.

[Brady]

Put it on.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, When I'm done jerking off, you and I are gonna have a talk. Yes, sir. Oh, he doing it. The TV don't even care. Look at him go. Yeah, that one got me. Because it's one thing to just know the phone, camera and all that other stuff, but the TV now just knew when I walked by. I don't know that there's a camera. I know it can hear me. I know for a fact that listens and all these things listen to us. And I. Then I learned that the weirdest way ever, when I got Apple TV on, all the TVs in one room and they all show different commercials while watching the same thing. It's. It's because it's like. It's just algorithm into, you know, picking it. And it's stuff that I just bought or was talking about. But that was the. That was crazy. So I don't know about all the. I'm not gonna make any claims about Sony or Vizio or any of the others. I don't know if they're doing it. But Samsung, something's different now. It knows when I'm in the room. Are you going to jerk off or would you like to watch old Letterman reruns? You know what I want to do. All right, let me load that.

[Brett]

Oh, no, it sounds like that David guy.

[John Holberg]

Who?

[Brett]

That. That house hunters guy or whatever.

[John Holberg]

Oh, yeah. No, no, not Dave. No, no, no. Don't ruin that. My John. Are you gonna jerk off to a buffalo ranch? I understand you won the lottery. No, I did. Get out of my house. Are you just gonna leave that on your stomach? Are you gonna. You're going to sleep, aren't you? You go to sleep all the time. He don't care. Wipe off with his sock and put it on a coffee table. He have gas. There's a rental house. What happened to the next group? Oh, he just got a lay. He looking at it. He not there. Why don't you put it on a napkin like Brady? Oh, here's Brady video. Watch this. This Gross.

[Brady]

They didn't have that at the electronics show last week.

[John Holberg]

I didn't tell you about it, but it certainly wasn't. It certainly wasn't a normal move. And it made me think, like, what else in this house knows about me? They used to say. My grandpa used to say that years ago about microwave ovens. He used to. He was convinced that the microwave was something that was like, either breeding your brains or paying attention to you or recording you at all, getting out stuff. He was for sure that that technology was not only just to heat up your food in some sort of new, weird. Think of how crazy that had to be to grandparents in the 70s and 80s that all that work they used to do to cook get done, like a minute, and it just showed up. It wasn't, like, eased into their lives. It's like, this little box will do it. What, take four hours to do that? We'll do it in 20 minutes. And they had to be like, what the hell's in this thing? They're thinking nukes. They're thinking Japs. They're mad at other people. Like, this is a conspiracy. My grandpa thought, microwave ovens, tinfoil hat time. They're on. They're putting stuff in your house. A lot of people.

[Brady]

Yeah. Felt they just weren't healthy. Well, they.

[John Holberg]

They weren't healthy. But that was the least of the concerns of the people who were like. And they've just shown up in our lives too fast. And keep in mind, that's a generation that didn't have things just show up. TVs bled in slowly. Microwaves, Everybody had one. It was like, oh, they're an invention. Everyone's got one. It was very rare to go to somebody's house, and they're like, you don't have a microwave up two years after they showed Up. Everyone had one.

[Brady]

They're a thousand bucks.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, yeah. But that was the other thing. They became so affordable immediately. It's like, oh, this is a. Some of. My grandpa thought there were listening devices in there. And like, nah, you know, you're getting one of those. You're just. You're get. Imagine what they got to be thinking now. And now I know for sure. My tv and I don't care. You can sit and monitor me just hanging out. It's mostly for advertising. But, my God, the things they're looking at. I mean, thumbs and butts and God knows what else I'm doing. I don't even know. Maybe they should send me a game tape of, like, Jesus, I need to really work on that. Why do I do that weird butterfly foot thing with my knees apart? I don't know what I'm doing. That's. I put my feet together and I got this little. I don't know what I'm doing. I need to start straightening it out. I bet you I don't look good. That's for sure. But TV knows. And to Kim Yoon un over there in Korea, who's watching me. Hey, just give me a call sometime, man. It's all right. I'll let you know. Are you gonna start jerking off again?

[Brady]

Oh, no.

[John Holberg]

Is it your job to watch me? Yeah. Everyone at Samsung get a sign of weirdo. You're mine. What? 98. No way. Holmberg's morning sickness.

[Brady]

Porn sites. You notice the butterfly stance?

[John Holberg]

Oh, yeah. No, I'm noticing a lot more stuff with the porn sites, and I just assumed that was me clicking regulars, but it's. It hears me. He relentless. He tried to. He come over to do some work, put some lights up. Next thing you know, he's jerking off. Not even done with lights. He knows everything about me. You don't need a diary. You need a Korean at Samsung. It'll be like, I know everything about your day. You spent a lot of time doing dumb stuff. It's true, but we're being monitored and we're at it again. Remember Smokey Robinson, a few months ago, was beaten and sexually assaulting women? Now it's Julio Iglesias. And I go back to my Smokey Robinson, 82 years old, and his couple people that work for him in the Dominican Republic are saying he was sexually assaulting them. One woman actually said in her charges, she said one of one of Julio's accusers reportedly claimed he would digitally penetrate her anus and her vagina without consent. And she said he used me Almost every night. I felt like an object or a slave at the time. He was 80. No, it didn't happen. You cannot get sexually assaulted by an 80 year old man without a gun. And even then you can, you can fight back. If somebody's fingers in your butt and you turn around and you're like, that dude's 82 years old. I'm gonna wipe the floors with him. No, you're not being sexually assaulted.

[Brady]

Sometimes I think it's his PR team. Hey, we need to get you some more street credit. Look, you got game.

[John Holberg]

The fact of the matter is he didn't pay them properly. That's all. And we'll make it public. If someone puts their finger in your butt and you don't want it there, the best scenario of that is you turn around and it's either a midget or an old man. Because it's. You're gonna. You're gonna win the fight. The fight. Right now. If Tripp came in and goes and went right into my ass, I'm wiping the floors with him. There isn't a woman in this building. And Tripp isn't even in his 80s. It's a mid-70s fella. And he throws a digit in one of these sales ladies downstairs, I can imagine there's going to be blood on the ice. And it's all trips. What happened? And Jill's just kicking the out of him.

[Brady]

Looked like a hamburger helper. Slapped him in the face.

[John Holberg]

Smash after smash. I know. I. I'm sorry. You. You cannot be 82 and sexually assault anyone. I cannot feel sorry for you. Can't happen. Even the world's strongest 82 year old man, no match for any woman under the age of 50.

[Brady]

Legitimate argument.

[John Holberg]

It's a. It is a legit. It is a fact. As this. As this. There is air and there is a son and there is science. That is part of science. You cannot. You cannot tell me he can make you uncomfortable. But the second he penetrates a butthole, no holds. Like you are allowed to polish the floors with Julio Iglesia. You go to a lawyer first. That means you liked it for a while. 82 year old dudes don't finger your butt knowing because they are aware. Julio's like, I better not do this. She's a very strapping lady. He's trusting him to clean the house in the Dominican Republic and the Bahamas. They are very strong. I have to make sure here that, oh, shit. There is no reaction. This is good. And then the next time, hey, I put my finger in Your butt before. You didn't fight me. And she's, you know, probably dusting or something. He just stop. What are you talking about? To all the girls I've raped before. Yeah. You bloody up Julio Iglesias.

[Brady]

That's George Bush senior. Yeah, he was like David Copperfield.

[John Holberg]

He was goosing people from the wheelchair. But again, you can't turn and go. He sexually assaulted me. No, he didn't. You just didn't fight back. You no 82 year old. And plus then you get all his money, you beat him up, you leave him on the ground and go, hey, the reason I beat up international superstar Julio Iglesias is because he just stuffed his finger in my butthole. And oh, but here's another thing. To make sure you get all of his money, here's advice from Johnny Lawyer. I am legal advice counsel. After you beat him up while he's laying there unconscious, take the finger he shoved in your butt, take your pants off and jam it in there one last time and put all the DNA on it that you can. And then when they come, just go investigate his finger. He just shoved it in my ass. And they'd be like, what? It's crazy. Just beat a polio glaciers. I'm like, my God. And fingers covered in dominican feces. Any 82 year old man tries to cop a feel and penetrates. And she says, he used me. Every night she saw him goose on another cleaning room. Well, there were two. There's a couple of them.

[Brady]

Yeah, I thought I was the one.

[John Holberg]

You close up shop on his ass. I gave an old man one time and they're like, hey, Julio, what's with the fingers and the butts? I'm so sorry, I'm very old. All right. It's the last time though, by the way. Let you have one because you're old, I'll give you that. But throw a finger in my butt again and it's gonna be some Julio blood laying around. You hear him whistling. She's bent over again. I'm going to finger the button. That's it. Second time is a. It's a trend. And then putting an end to it.

[Brett]

If it was this kid Enrique, these broads wouldn't be making a stink anything.

[John Holberg]

They walk around with their butts out.

[Brett]

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

[John Holberg]

Like presenting baboons. Yep. Oh, Julio, I forgot to wear my maid's outfit. Thank you. Your dad has done it. And his fingers are slimy and prune like. Yeah. Julio Glazers hasn't sexually assaulted anybody. Not guilty. Next case. Smokey Robinson 88 didn't do it. Next case. Jesus Christ. Fight back. Apex predators fight back. Yeah. The tears of a clown. I'll be there in a second. You can walk away from this. Come back here. Don't you run from me, bitch. If you know what's good, you're already gone. The car's running, you're halfway down the road. He's not even at the door yet. Has anyone seen Frankie Valli from the Four Seasons? Oh, Cliff Richard.

[Brett]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holberg]

If you watch an 80 year old men perform, they can barely pick up the microphone. They're fingering you against your will. Fight back.

[Brady]

They just place Frankie on the stage. Right here's good. Yeah, let's do some songs.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, I'd even rather have. Look, if a midget is like, Brad Williams threw a finger in me and turn him like, ah, this is a fight. I might get a cut, he might get a couple of shots. And he's strong and he's young, but I'm still gonna. Those are the only two good options. A midget and an old man can't sexually assault you. Can't do it. They can try to sexually assault you, but once that line is crossed, then it's up to you to end that.

[Brett]

Be a great story though. If Brad Williams did that to you.

[John Holberg]

Oh, look for this for the next day's show, I'd be, I'd have him on like, hey, Brad, remember yesterday? Oh yeah, I would definitely that would. Because it's a non threat. If Terry Crews shoves a finger in me, it's not necessarily going to be on the next day. I'm going to be kind of scared. And you're not gonna talk about this corner? Something's wrong with John. Hey guys, what's up? You've been working out a lot. Yeah, that's why I limp. That's why. Precisely. Let's not talk about it.

[Brady]

How was lunch with Cruz?

[John Holberg]

And the next thing you hear is, I know what happened. I see it. Terry Crews finger him at home. The Korean guy saw it. The good news is you can call Samsung now and go, did you see Julio Iglesias finger me? We sure did. Why you fight back? He old 82. Even if he stands there and you know, gets into the boxer stance, he goes, you know, Mark is a queensberry. You clean the floors with an 82 year old that fingers your butt. It's not, it's not, it can't be done. I think like, I think, yeah, I think after 77, there's no such thing as sexual Assault from an old man. Unless it's against someone of age. Like, if it's an 80 year old woman, it's like, okay, fair fight. He can sexually assault that. Well, he can't legally. I'm saying he's capable of it. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that did sound bad. But you're not wrong. Yeah, I'm not saying it's fair game. I'm saying, yeah, if it's an 80 year old woman and he starts throwing fingers in her, but now it's a fight she can't really win necessarily. He's. It's, you know, so then he can go to jail for that. But if it's anybody under. If anybody under the age of 70 or, you know, fully capable, she's capable of cleaning a house. She's capable of kicking the shit out of Julio Iglesias, and I don't want to hear it. Oh, he would have fired me. Shut up. The story's better if you go full out Mike Tyson on his ass and then tell the story after. People would believe you more. I don't believe her because she didn't knock him cold. I was afraid for my job. No, you're a maid. What are you afraid for your. You get another job in the Dominican Republic. That's all there are there crazy. Call David Ortiz. He'll let you clean his house. There's tons of baseball players with money. You don't need to be Julio's maid. That's not your only option. You kick the living out of him. And then you call tmz and everybody's like, well, you know, she beat the tar on the guy. He must have done something. And then you'd investigate that middle finger. And if there's any Dominican made poop on it, he did it. That's why you cover your bases. After you knock him out, you sit on that finger a couple of times, make sure that the investigators have the DNA. So annoying to see these things. And poor Julio, who's lived this whole life. If he was going to sec and Julio Iglesias has had enough sex. That dude was in his 50s banging women.

[Brady]

Would you put it past anyone going, I'll do this for 30 days, 90 days maybe, and then turn around and hit him with the loss.

[John Holberg]

I would hit him with money. I would try to ask him like, look, you got to stop fingering my bottom. We're gonna have a problem here. And if he does it again after that, you knock him out again. My point is, I would believe it more if Julio was on 91 1. The man just kicking my ass. Like, what'd you do? I did nothing. It's elderly abuse. I show up in the maid's like, yeah, kick the crap out of the guy fingered my butt.

[Brady]

His butt is a little red.

[John Holberg]

But she's sitting there saying, it's been going on for months. Like, come on, you get two. Everyone gets two after the age of 80. First one is. Oh, boy. Not two digits. Okay, well, I mean, he might be a pro. You might be. Might. And by the way, if it's going in that easy, I call it the Shazam. Because you say it the second it happens. A dry anal exam. You can't help but just scream, shazam. The second it happens, you're not going in there. So you're moving quick. He's. He's lubed up. If it's going right in. And where are your pants? Where are your pants? Are you in a little maid's outfit, bent over? Come on. The story doesn't add up. I support Julio Iglesias and his sexual assault. He didn't do anything wrong.

[Brady]

He gooses everyone.

[John Holberg]

At 82, you're allowed to do it. That's not goosing. Goosing's just a touch. This. He's in you. That's different. And I don't think 82 year old men have the strength to penetrate a dry one. They'd fold. Their fingers would fold up. There's no strong 82 year old man that can get in there on a first shot. Not without a bunch of Vaseline. So you can see that coming too.

[Brady]

Kind of got to be in on it.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. If he's coming at you and his fingers are all glisteny, he's got it. He got an idea. And why would you.

[Brett]

Hot on there?

[John Holberg]

Oh, yeah. Oh, Jesus, that would hurt. Why would you ever turn your back on a guy that's fingered you before? I'm not still dusting that table. If Julio's in the room turning around like, what are you doing? Turn back around and bend over and do more.

[Brady]

Pledge required to wear this certain outfit.

[John Holberg]

No, you have to wear the outfit. And when I'm in the room, don't pay attention to me. Nope, not gonna do it. I'm gonna. I'm gonna watch you walk through. I don't know how old this lady was, but. And Dominican women are big, strong women. I want. I want Smokey Robinson, just. I want him to look like he just finished 10 rounds with Tyson Fury. I want that done. It's your fault, ladies I'm going to say it. I'm victim. Shaming. It's your fault for having a pre lubed anus in front of an 80 year old man and then blaming him. No, it's your fault. Can't be done. No one will not support this either. This. This crosses all political. Even the crazy liberals, the lunatics that scream at everything. Nope. They're probably going to sit back and go, he's right. You can't be. You can't. You just beat up an 82 year old. And it would feel bad punching an 82 year old. I was overpowered like a bag of sand. And you just. Yeah, it's impossible. Like, what are you going to say in court? That the judges even like, wait a minute. He did what? And all Julio has to do in court is have a walker or fall down once. It's like he can't even walk. He fingered you. You were asking for it. Yeah, Enrique, that's a different story. You're absolutely right. And maybe they were using Julio to get to Enrique. Maybe that's why they were hanging around so long through the fingerings. Because Enrique visits a lot.

[Brady]

So you're saying he threw you against the wall?

[John Holberg]

See?

[Brady]

You see?

[John Holberg]

It was a terrible day. He's. I was. I was manhandled. By who? The little old man right there.

[Brady]

See?

[John Holberg]

And you didn't fight back? No, I. I need the job. You're a maid. You can get a job anywhere. But not for Julio Iglesias. Oh, I see. Okay. He fingered my bottom in my vagina for months. She said, that's a relationship. If you ask me. No one can hear your cries. Oh, he's so slow and penetrative.

[Brett]

He just needs to show up to court looking like.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, look at him. That's a picture of him currently. He's a mess. He looks like somebody beat him up before they beat him up. I don't want to hear it. Julio Glacis is innocent. Even if he did it, what did I do wrong? Well, I am Julio Glacis. I've been able to put my finger in bottoms for 82 years. Yeah, most people's reactions have been, he's still alive.

[Brett]

Yeah, I. I didn't know.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Is he playing? You're playing something beautiful.

[Brady]

Constantly playing in the house.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, it's on a loop. It's beautiful. Yeah. Gang bang over here. Willie's there. Dinner. Get her, Julio. Get her. Of all the girls I fluff finger that one. Gather, Willie, get another. Yeah, I don't want to hear it. That One pissed me off. I read that this morning. I'm like, leave Julio alone. You were asking for it. You're Julio's maid. You can fight him and his house in the Bahamas, his house in the doctor. He's got houses all over the place. He sold 400 million copies in Europe alone. You're after his money. If that. You just shut up and let him do it until he dies. Get in the will like a decent woman. Jesus Christ. No way he's still loving on women. It's a fact. 623. And if you're an 82 year old man today, just know I've put the warning out to all the ladies. Mopping the floors with you is the way to go. Now. You're not getting away with that. Used to watch old men do that to Megan when she did the silver sneakers years ago. And they'd all moved back to Iowa. And in March, I head home. Can I get a picture and show everybody who my trainer was? Sure. Not a one of them didn't cup a booze.

[Brett]

I was just gonna say, anybody cup a can.

[John Holberg]

All of them. And I'd say, that guy's grabbing your cans. No, he doesn't know. He's. Look, he's in the shell.

[Brady]

How come he's looking away?

[John Holberg]

He's in the shell of a male body. His brain is still like 26. His body isn't allowing what his brain wants to do. So he's copping feels because he gets away with it. We had our friend Paula and Fred. Fred was in his 80s. We went out for Easter, late 80s. He's like, let's get a picture. Like, all right, Fred. And we all line up for a photo. I put my arm around Paula, beautiful Paula, on her shoulder, like a decent person. No, no. And then I look over and Fred's got his hand just square on her ass, like on Megan's ass. Just. I mean, it isn't even. It's in the picture. It's at an angle where you can just see it's low. It's not even like sitting on the shelf part. It's on the undercarriage. It's on the curve.

[Brett]

He wasn't Keanuing it.

[John Holberg]

He was just feeling her ass.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

And his wife's like, oh, Fred. When the picture came in, like, look at guy. I didn't even know I was doing it. You did too, you mother.

[Brett]

That's good.

[John Holberg]

I'm proud of you. But come on. I tell the girls I love.

[Brady]

The.

[John Holberg]

Only girls I've loved before. I'M sorry my arm doesn't go any higher than the curve of your round buttocks. And I gave him one. I said, do it again, though I didn't know I was doing. I'm like the. You didn't. I talk to old men. They play innocent. Your dad used to do it. He was a monster. I loved it. And he would look at you and wink to the other guys. When he said goodbye to Megan once at our house and she pressed up against him, he goes, hug goodbye. She gives him a hug. This is what, 10, 12 years ago? And gives a hug goodbye. And he goes, hey, how about another hug? And he looks at me and his eyebrows start going. Because I know what he was doing. He was feeling fake hands up against his chest. He's never felt that before. Yeah, he was openly excited about what was up against him. And funny's like, oh, sharp. And walked away. Because she knew deep down in every man's that never stops. Ask any man in his 70s what's the weirdest part about being 70? And they say, I look in the mirror and I see a 70 year old man, but my brain is like 25. So they're looking at women the same with their perverts. Golf. Go to a men's club with old men, golf with them. The conversations are the same as a bunch of 25 year old guys. And it's been 15 years since they've done it and they're still talking about the last time they a woman.

[Brady]

And.

[John Holberg]

I had my tongue on her thigh. You see, Like Jesus Christ. Yeah, those were the days. They're still thinking about it.

[Brett]

Chuck used to do that when you guys are golf.

[John Holberg]

Chuck and his friends were the grossest people I've ever talked to. I've been with, like. And frats can't compete with country club old men. And the conversations they have about young women, they're gross. It's like, even for me, I'm like, guys, enough. And I like hearing it, but enough.

[Brady]

Admiral, I've heard that story before.

[John Holberg]

I take a couple popsicle sticks and tape them onto my wing and get. I'm getting in that. That belongs to me. Cart girls go by. God forbid you're a cart girl with old men around. Because when you leave, I think I can still get her pregnant. Like, Jesus.

[Brady]

The name of his league that he was in was Old Dirty Bastards.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, I told you that. For I'm golfing with Chuck once and I met a guy and he's like, Chuck was the youngest one. Oh, these guys were all in their late 80s. And this guy comes up to me and he goes, you think I'm old and useless, don't you? And I'm like, no, I don't even know your name. You know what I can still do? No. And he puts his fingers in a V up against his lips and goes like, oh, God. Why are you doing that? Because he saw me as a young guy and he was mad at me just because he knows an old man doing is the grossest thing you can ever see. But he was talking about it. He wanted to introduce himself with that. You think I'm useless. I don't. I've never met you before.

[Brady]

When I said the Admiral, that was the guy in the force. When I subbed, Chuck asked me, hey, would you play with these guys? The odb? Yeah. Sub. The Admiral is the one guy in there. And after the first hole, he sinks his putt. And I go there to, you know guys like, 85, 86. I'll go pick up the ball.

[John Holberg]

Sure.

[Brady]

Stop it.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Get out of the way. Yeah, that's my exercise.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. He doesn't need your help.

[Brady]

Sorry, Admiral.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. You're thinking he's useless.

[Brady]

They'll bend over.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, those dudes. Yeah, they're gross. So if you get sexually assaulted by an old man, it's your fault. Period. End of story. Sorry, ladies. I'm not gonna feel sorry for you if you told me, john, I need to talk. I'm like, okay, I got a friend that needs to talk. She wants to go have lunch at Applebee's or something. We sit down. She goes, oh, my God, I've been sexually assaulted. My goats. Terrible. Tell me about it. He's 83.

[Brady]

What?

[John Holberg]

No, I can't feel sorry for you. I'm sorry. It was so scary. Yeah, I can imagine. It was like a prune trying to get inside you.

[Brady]

Imagine the lineup. It's Julio Iglesias and a bunch of other younger perps. And she points to him.

[John Holberg]

He did.

[Brady]

Are you sure?

[John Holberg]

You sure that's the one that raped you? Positive. He jumped out of the bushes. The California Raisin. Which one are you pointing at? Yes. The one next to the young tall man. The little tiny Mexican with the crazy hair?

[Brady]

Yes. So you're saying the walker and that was in the bush?

[John Holberg]

Yeah. And then they just go. You guys are free to go. You have no complaint here. This is your fault. Let's get a wake up song, shall we? 5, 8, 5. 9,800. A good one. We'll scream it together to all the girls. I Fingered before. And you guys don't do that song. We've already done it. It's not yet. It's out of control now. Morning sickness. 90. Yeah, yeah. Feeling good on a Wednesday. All right, here we go. Let's get this thing started. Thank you, Thomas James Band. And ready to roll them out there. Somebody came up with a great idea for the Julio Glacias test. It was if you take an old man who's been accused of sexually penetrating you with his fingers in court, you just have, like, they do baseball. You ever been to a baseball card show, Brett?

[Brett]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holberg]

They take that piece of bread and they try to cut. Cut the bread with your card to see if it's pristine. You ever done that one? That's what you do. The old. The Julio Glacias. If he can get his fingers into a loaf of bread, we'll do a trial. If he can't, it's nothing. Try to poke through the side of a loaf of bread. Otherwise, he didn't do anything wrong. Buckled up. Arthritic fingers. There's no way. Not a thing. And all these people are now emailing me that there's some video out there of how TVs have actually got the capability of watching, recording, and doing that. I'm not. I'm not worried about that. I don't mind it.

[Brady]

Watching about your computer, too.

[John Holberg]

Well, computers, they always say cover the thing with, like, a sticky note.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

Because anything with a camera can be turned on and off, but.

[Brett]

Well, even we've been sitting in here when you start talking about your Mac Weldon's. That. Oh, my God, I've never even heard the term before. And then all of a sudden, I'm getting ads on my phone.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, it's a. It's definitely these lists. Something going on here. Even these computers, I'm not even tied to the ones in front of me. And they do stuff where I'm like, well, we just talked about breast pumps. How come I'm getting ads for that? This computer doesn't even have a link to my phone. It can hear us. Sometimes it lets slip, let you know it's. It's in your system. So there you go. I'm reading about Greenland and stuff and how we're gonna. Brady mentioned off the earlier is, how would you feel if you were living in Greenland? I don't think they should be worried. There's only like 50,000 of them anyway. Nothing would change. They just don't want somebody to say, we're gonna. And then nobody wants that. Nobody wants somebody to say, I'm gonna come in there and beat you up and take this. But I have a plan that would work. We've got countless amounts of operatives, right? American operatives. Like, you have hundreds of thousands of people that do, like, jobs on the sly for the government. Take like, the. I don't know. It's like 56,000 people in Greenland. Take like 20,000Americans and just do like the Mexicans did to us. Just move in. Just go up there and move in and just. Just flood them with Americans and then have some sort of weird vote. And suddenly America just takes it accidentally. Like, you do what it's the way black people used to do in the 60s. They just move into white neighborhoods and everybody be like, what are they doing here? All right, well, that's it. And they'd leave. Like, Greenland will leave if we sent. I don't even know what we'd do if we sent black guys to Greenland. Those people are probably super racist. They've never seen anything like it. But if we just took all the black people willing to do it and gave them $100,000 each, and he's gonna live in Greenland for a couple years until they shape up, they would be like, what is going on here? I don't know how they sound, but they would definitely be. They'd notice. You send up some, it would be tough to get. But Mexicans, we take a bunch of them, we deport them to Greenland. It would freak out the Greenlandians. Like, all right, what do we. There's only 50,000 of them. They'd be like, what do we need to do? You can't even fill State Farm Stadium with all the residents of Greenland. We could win this in a day. We don't need to have a war with Greenland or use military, anything. Just move in, do it. There goes the neighborhood. To Greenland. We send over some. Like a bunch of. We tell a bunch of poor people, hey, you want a better life again? Everybody gets 100 grand. We're not going to pay off student loans. Everybody gets 100 grand. You're broke. We're going to send you up to Greenland. You got to live there for a year or two and kind of annoy them until they. They allow us to have it.

[Brett]

That's Maryville there.

[John Holberg]

Send Maryvale to Greenland. You can't say it out loud.

[Brady]

Why?

[John Holberg]

But you're like, we're gonna. We're gonna send South Chicago and Maryvale. We know what you're doing. Nope, never said it out loud. Just little bits that could be Some whites mixed in.

[Brady]

Cabrini Greenland.

[John Holberg]

You just. You could. Yeah. Cabrini Greenland. I like it. But this is a good plan. Hellcats for everybody. Well, everyone gets a hellcat who moves to you. There'd be a million people son. Die. I made a deal with dodge. It's a good deal. Everybody wants to live in Greenland gets a free hellcat. And I mean the good one too. Like, not that weird purple one. Unless that's what you want. But I don't know. Even I don't want you in Greenland. And you go. There'd be a line around the White House 60 times. I'm here for the free hellcat. Where do I got to live in the city?

[Brett]

In Greenland.

[John Holberg]

We didn't even know the names of the towns. There's a. There's a couple. Can I drive my hellcat to Greenland? I don't know. I didn't even know if it's connected. You can go.

[Brett]

We'll put you on a carnival cruise over there. Put your hellcat on there. We'll get you there.

[John Holberg]

Don't worry about it. And then all of Greenland will be like, why is that? What is happening? It's getting hot in here. So hot. I don't understand. And Denmark will be like, stop. And they'd seem racist to the rest of world. Stop moving black people into Greenland. Oh, I see what's going on here. You don't like blacks. No, you're fooling us. Look at racist Greenland. We should take them over and make them better. I don't know what's wrong with a bunch of black people moving into a white area. I don't know why they're so mad. And we could trick them. It's so much better than military anything. Free hellcats. If you move to Greenland. Carnival cruise for the rest of your life. Free. All you got to do is move to Greenland and vote and it's ours. It makes the most sense saying stuff like he's saying, we're either going to do this the easy way or the hard way. And military intervention. No, we don't need bombs for Greenland. Blacks for Greenland. I say if there's one thing I know about white people, they're insanely nervous about when their neighborhoods aren't. Aren't the same color. Greenland is white. This is an easy win.

[Brady]

It's lovely. Minus 22 right now.

[John Holberg]

Well, you're going to have a hard time with some of those in the south. I don't think there is a north. I think it gets to nothing up there.

[Brett]

The south side of Greenland.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, Southside. And we're gonna get him a football team. You'd have. You'd have hundreds of thousands of people who aren't making it here. Take that hundred grand, move to Greenland and just live. And maybe they'd like it. I don't know what Greenland's got, but it's pretty awesome.

[Brady]

Can see the northern lights.

[John Holberg]

I don't want to hear NATO complain. I don't want politics involved. I want to passive aggressively make Greenland look racist and in turn help however many people we can help here who aren't doing so great. Get a second chance in Greenland. They wouldn't even need jobs for the first few months because they'd have a hundred grand in their pocket now. That would burn fast. And gas up here is crazy. These hellcats are eight miles to the gallon.

[Brady]

That's. These snow hellcats.

[John Holberg]

What the. Is a crooner. That's their money. It's just a dollar with a K. Yeah, just get. Yeah. Snow hellcats. Could you imagine? Dodge is making V8, 800 horsepower snowmobiles. You get one and every once you can call and say, hey, you hold all the cards. Hey, Trump, I blew through that hundred grand a little faster. All right. You got to be more responsible. There's another hundred thousand. Because if we're going to spend a billion dollars fighting them, spend a billion dollars moving people in from here and make them look bad. All the green that we don't want, all these black people, we win the second they say it. How dare you move the blacks to green up. We win. You stepped in it now, dummy. We like to keep it pure. Oh, that's the. We are killing you right now. And you see all those bundled up black people looking like Kenny from South park just shaking. We have the army corps of engineers roll in and build like tons of houses or an apartment building right off the bat. We can do that in a day. Greenland is ours. And it's.

[Brady]

It's.

[John Holberg]

And it's not a new idea. It's exactly what we did to the Indians. You just showed up.

[Brady]

I love the tourism of Greenland. The visit stuff that you can do. Like if you visit there in the spring, the days are very long, March to May. And you can enjoy great outdoor activities like dog sledding.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, it's all snow based. There's nothing but watch the landscape come.

[Brady]

Alive in the summer is whale watching and hiking. It's a little bit warmer. And then you can sail amongst the icebergs.

[John Holberg]

Oh, that's nice. Everything sounds a little chilly. I'm not gonna lie.

[Brady]

And autumn is September through through November. Northern lights come in beautiful.

[Brett]

That's kind of cool.

[John Holberg]

It's gorgeous. And there's a lot of pluses there, but, you know, I'm not. I don't even care. All I'm saying is you place it mentally, you make them look like jackasses right away. And if they start fighting back, then you slaughter them. It's great. Andre, one of our listeners says this sounds better than Alligator Alcatraz. Exactly. Exactly. It's like, this is a good idea. We don't take our criminals or our illegals. You just say, free Hellcats for everybody who wants to go. And it's volunteers, incentive, little bonus to move there. Yeah. 100 grand in a Hellcat if you want. We're not making anybody do it. And there would be a line from D.C. to Philadelphia going to Greenland. You would hear that. I'm. There'd be rap songs going to Greenland. It would be an awesome trip.

[Brady]

Yep.

[John Holberg]

We just make Greenland nervous.

[Brett]

Baltimore would be empty.

[Brady]

There.

[John Holberg]

And that would be the best thing.

[Brett]

Greenland Ravens look.

[John Holberg]

That would be the best. Oh, I gotta go get a towel. You just made me.

[Brady]

One game.

[Brett]

Yep.

[Brady]

One team would have to fly.

[John Holberg]

You just made me goop. No, the best thing can happen to residents of Baltimore is that they. They were moved out of Baltimore and we burned that down. Just show up. What's with all the military talk? They're not fighting back. There's none of them. There's none of them. They're a poor showing for a Cardinal game. That's. The whole country. Can't even fill a stadium. We just show up, maybe 20,000. You don't even need a lot. You need a bad Diamondbacks crowd to just show up, start revving your engines and playing rap music, and they'll step in it. They'll slip up. They'll say something stupid and be like, oh, man, now we're. Now we're racist, too. You can't. You can't avoid it. 56,000 whites who've never lived with black people see 20,000 hellcats in a line like Field of Dreams coming up there. Oh, they're gonna say something, and then they'll be the bad guys. And you can't defend it if you build it. If you rev the engine, they will ease his pain. Yeah. And all you got to do is.

[Brady]

Like, where are you living? I live in Carnival. Greenland.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Shitty.

[John Holberg]

You get Gunna and Travis Scott to put on a show and say free tickets to that once you get there. Good Lord. It's Astro World. Greenland Utopia. And I'm fine. And finally you get. You'd go back and it would be hilarious to watch Greenland. Just the one thing I know about that Nordic whites don't say the loud parts. They live together in groups because they're afraid of colors. I know this from experience. I'm Swedish. My grandparents moved from Sweden to Mount Jewett, Pennsylvania, which might be the only place on the planet colder than Sweden. It was worse. But they found this little place in Pennsylvania that they knew no black people would ever move to. That's the reason they're there. You know where the other ones went? St. Olaf, Minnesota. The other most coldest international falls is wildly Swedish. They know. Well, we had to get that to Sweden. The king was lit bad. But we have to go some place there's no blacks. And they found little places that no black people would ever move to.

[Brett]

There's no Somalians up there?

[John Holberg]

No. Okay, no, no. But no. It is weird white there. Like I'm the darkest one. If I show up to one of our Swedish festivals in August, so tan. I show up like I've been hanging on the equator. And they look at me like all their wallets are unchanged. Just in case they don't trust anyone that looks different than them. That's the Nordic way. Norway had laws up until recently that said you couldn't marry someone who wasn't of Nordic descent. And in their laws of countries, we like it said to keep the race pure. Norway, they like that. Us whites are big on that deep down. Move some Italians up there, they'll get it done. You want a rigged election where all of a sudden it's a 51st state. 20,000 Italians show up and guess what? Hey, my name's Van Oken. Oken Oaks. How you doing? I don't believe you are native. Sure. I don't know that. Look over there. I'm from that snow cap over there. Quiet down. You got any gabagool? That isn't fish. We could take this. I could get this done in an hour. I just have to get Dodge on board. And then you just threaten Dodge.

[Brett]

Trump will do it.

[John Holberg]

Trump could threaten Dodge more than Greenland. I don't know, Dodge. It looks like your steel is about to cost three times more than everyone else. Serifs on Dodge, tariffs on you. Dodge. What if we don't want to? Are you crazy? All I'm ask. I'll give you. And just give them the money. How much is a hundred? A hundred thousand hellcats, they're like 50 grand.

[Brett]

Each other more.

[John Holberg]

Okay, well, we get a deal because we're buying them.

[Brady]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[John Holberg]

We're buying in bulk. I only need one color, so the paint. Safe. Let's go. I'll give you 55 grand. Perfect. Be like $80 million, right? And you throw another hundred thousand on whoever wants to go. So you're up. You're going to be. You're going to be pushing 300 million. We go to war with them.

[Brett]

They're 70 days.

[John Holberg]

A billion dollars I'm saving. I'm Elon Musk. I'm saving 8,900 million dollars with my blacks to Greenland program. And it would be patriotic. And it can't be that bad. It's just cold. I mean, it can't be that bad up there. The food's probably no good. But the one thing I know about that is that Swedes and Norwegians and Dane people, they eat garbage. You bring a little spice up change?

[Brady]

Yeah. A couple indoor grow farms.

[John Holberg]

Sure. Yeah. If you get a weed shop, the Hellcats and a spice rack, like, they're fine. It would be awesome. And we could finally get Greenland to do it. And they would do it willingly. Just put their heads down. And then you tell all the patriots that once Greenland complies and we got the papers signed, another hundred grand, you can come back. If you want to stay, you stay. But we'll give you another hundred thousand for your service. $400 million, this whole thing's over. And we have Greenland and it's ours. And then we do whatever we want with it. And those people are just a good deal. It's a great deal. And they'd have their arms crossed looking at us. You march those black people here and make us do your bathing. No, it would. It's per. It's a perfect plan, but no, we're going to have to attack Greenland and everybody's going to want to fight here. And it'll be political and it's dumb. Cuba's a different story. Cuba's got like, stuff. They'll fight back. They have like, you know, Europe won't be mad at us and all that. If we just beat up Cuba. They'll be quiet. So save all that for Cuba when you try to take them over next. I don't know what's going on in this world, but my plan is good. And it doesn't even have to be black people. Even though that's the easy move, that's for sure. Start moving some of these illegals that were rounding up like mad. Pop them up there real quick. 100,000 of those new America it could be. Look, it's easy. I know how to. I know how to manipulate racist whites. I know how to do it. I'm just going to need some cooperation from the urban community. You know, first thing we do is go up there and change a couple of streets to like Jesse Owens Boulevard or Lebron James Avenue. And they'd be like, what the heck? Drive. Well MLK drives that go to. That's later when they're actually. But you get like. You do a weird one like Lebron or even just like something like they don't even know. Like I don't know, like Vita Blue. Like you just be fix. I'm like, what is that? Kind of slip a couple in their street names change from Orga Dorgadorsk Divided Blue Lane. And they're like, what do change the name to Via Blue. It's happening.

[Brady]

Who? Satchel Page.

[John Holberg]

It's happening. Satchel Page was a brilliant Jackie Robinson Road. And all their stuff gets changed to that. And then sharp don't have. Yeah, they'd lose their minds at first. They'd start screaming like, we got him, Lamar.

[Brett]

Jackson Avenue.

[John Holberg]

Oh, that would be a great one. Then you move in phase two, which is the people. First you change the street names, then the people. And then they start talking crazy and make all the racist comments. And it's ours. It's a trick. It's a trap. Am I the only one thinking around here? Why do we always have to swing at someone? I can.

[Brady]

Guys. Booby. It's so easy.

[John Holberg]

Guys, we got some people want to move up. They love your beautiful country. You're giving them hellcats and Carnival cruise. We know what you're doing. What's the problem there? We don't want them here. Ah, thank you. Could you say that in the mic?

[Brady]

Another attraction. Whale watching.

[John Holberg]

It's huge. My plan is. My plan is right and it saves lives. There's no reason for all this craziness. This is gonna domino down to other things. If we just go attack Greenland beating up a kid who hasn't. You know. The shy nerd in the corner was suddenly taking swings at him. It's beautiful. Look, Brent just pulled up pictures. Look at that. That's gorgeous.

[Brett]

Carnival cruise goes Greenland.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Just break the boat.

[Brady]

Tell you what, you send about two or three thousand big haired blonde girls.

[John Holberg]

Here's the other one. Hey, I don't know what green.

[Brady]

It'll be packed up.

[John Holberg]

Greenland's a lot of blonde women.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

And I don't know if they've got thick asses because they eat a lot of fish. But if we could manage.

[Brady]

That's why we can enhance it.

[John Holberg]

Oh yeah. Well, we can throw a couple. Wisconsin. Wisconsin, Minnesota for those cold nights.

[Brady]

Yep.

[John Holberg]

And get that big blubbery white woman on you. I'm so glad you're here, Lamont. Hey, I like Greenland. And you park two Carnival Cruise boats. And that's the housing for a while.

[Brett]

Man, you got this all figured out.

[John Holberg]

Am I the world's smartest man? I think I might be, yeah. I didn't know Carnival Cruise went to Greenland in Canada. It looks gorgeous. I mean, this is selling me. Heck, I'd consider it.

[Brett]

A 14 day Greenland in Canada cruise from Baltimore.

[John Holberg]

Is that real? Yes, I am on their website.

[Brady]

What a deal.

[Brett]

2500 bucks.

[John Holberg]

We don't need Hellcats. 2,500 bucks a person.

[Brady]

What?

[John Holberg]

98. No way. Holmberg's morning sickness. I just cut the. Brett, you just cut the price down by about $200 million.

[Brady]

You're. I mean, how many on that cruise ship? 3,000.

[John Holberg]

It's 14 days. I think we could get it done in 14 days. Yeah. We get 10 cruises one after another and they just stop.

[Brett]

And you can finance it for 119amonth. Look at this.

[John Holberg]

We'll cover that bill.

[Brett]

No payments for up to six months.

[John Holberg]

Let's attack these racists where it hurts.

[Brady]

You'd need to, you know, barges, tankers to carry the supplies over there.

[John Holberg]

It's fine.

[Brett]

Yeah, ocean views sold out. And the suites are sold out already.

[John Holberg]

Baltimore is buying some trips to Greenland. Well, maybe they just got word of what my plan is and they sold out this morning. And people are saying that's racist. No, it's not. It's racist towards whites because I know how they'll react. They're the racists.

[Brady]

You just got to pick a different date. Brett, that's the 16th of August through the 30th. Sold out.

[Brett]

Well, you know, I mean.

[Brady]

Oh.

[Brett]

Qualify for special rates.

[Brady]

Man, this is.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, it's brilliant. I've got a couple of suggestions I'm not a big fan of, but we could do it. Anyone who moves to Greenland no longer has to pay child support. I think they're getting a huge like you get your choice. Hellcat, Carnival cruise or no. My God, you'd have. That wouldn't even be race based. That's every dude who's got to pay for one of those kids. They love their kids a lot. But if you could skip that bill. I've never Once heard a guy say, I got child support, and I love it. So happy my kid gets covered. Never once. What I do here is three more years, and I don't have to pay that anymore. I always hear that. You cut that off, you'd have a line of everybody, and then you'd see your dad in line.

[Brady]

Dad.

[John Holberg]

What? Oh, hey, Billy.

[Brady]

I'm.

[John Holberg]

You're in line for the no child support, aren't you? No. Daddy's got an important mission in Greenlee. You don't want to pay for me?

[Brett]

No.

[John Holberg]

Okay. It's a world of reality. Of course I don't want to pay for you. I don't want to pay for anybody going to Greenland so I don't have to pay for. Your mom will figure it out.

[Brady]

And.

[John Holberg]

She'S in line behind him. Neither of you. You've both gone. Your father and I are getting back together. Oh, my God. Yeah. It's a plan. There's options, but we're too stupid, and we're basically vikings all of a sudden, moving around, trying to ice other countries out of the way. Anybody has any questions, you can call me. I could solve all these problems. Nobody would like it. It'd be like, this is crazy, because you know why I pick at the scab? That is humanity. And instead of doing dumb like more people would be for a war, which is ironic. More people. No, no. Just go in and attack them than they would my plan. I don't want to do anything like that. That's racist.

[Brady]

You think on Greenland, more people.

[John Holberg]

If I. If you presented one next to the other and they're the only option, and mine was moved, screw it.

[Brady]

Let's just take it over.

[John Holberg]

Mine was move blacks in. And the other option is let's military force people. Like, we can't do that black thing. That's wrong. Will you go kill him? Yeah, we'll probably just point bayonets at him. We won't actually have to shoot. That black thing makes me uncomfortable. But the murders don't. Yeah, yeah, Military. That's why we've got it my way. Should be the one everybody's like, you know what? That's smart. They're probably pretty racist up there. This is a good move if we're gonna do anything. But now 80% of people, if they had the choice, would say, yeah, military intervention before that whole hellcats and black people thing, lose their minds. But I'm right, because no one can hear it and feel okay about themselves because their scab gets picked, too. If they do it to Greenland they can do it to my neighborhood. That's what they'd be thinking, by the way. They think that, oh, Timothy Busfield did it. Period. End of story.

[Brady]

He's.

[John Holberg]

He's a rapist of kids. So yesterday he. They finally came out of hiding. Three days. Nobody knew where he was. The marshals were asking people.

[Brady]

He was on the road, John.

[John Holberg]

Okay.

[Brady]

Drove 2,000 miles.

[John Holberg]

Brady, in this day and age, no one doesn't know anything.

[Brady]

Like, he's old school.

[John Holberg]

No, he's not. He's real old school. He's like. He's before statutory rape law. So he. He disappeared for three days. The US Marshals are like. And. And they weren't just going to question him. He was. He had a warrant for his arrest. That means they've got evidence. That means they've got something to. They wouldn't arrest you if they just were like, these are kind of.

[Brady]

We need to talk to you.

[John Holberg]

They got something because they put an arrest warrant out for him. So they got a little something. He disappears for three days and then comes back with a statement that says, I'm going to fight this. No man who is being accused of kid diddling, who didn't do it. Doesn't. The second that thing is, the accusation is on him. Doesn't say, bring those little motherf ers on. I didn't do anything to those little pricks. Like, you hate the kids immediately. Like, are you kidding me? Those little. I hate those two little. You would hate them out loud. If any kid accused me and I didn't do it, I'd be badmouthing his little ass and I'd be like, bring it on. What do you got? Because I didn't do anything. I wouldn't disappear for three days and come back with a legal statement saying, I, of course I. I will fight this. And I am innocent of all these. Okay. Your lawyer told you what to say. That means you didn't know what to say. You did it. Timothy Busfield did it. I just got emails from people who are white. No child support in Greenland. Where do I sign up? That is the one that's. That is going to be the big unifier. You'd have a million people in Greenland in like a day.

[Brett]

Toledo's dad would be greeting everybody as they came into the port.

[John Holberg]

How are you? Welcome to Toledo Land. I never paid any. Not one. It's the most freeing thing you've ever felt. I threw one of my kids under a school bus. I got rid of all the payments. Yeah. Timothy Busfield's Statements are just, I, I don't believe a thing. Like, this one's more obvious than Jussie Smollett. Like, anybody when I told, even said Brett walked in the room. Like, watch this, Brady. Hey, Brett, Some kids say you tried to have sex with him. Brett goes, what the? Like, immediately angry and like, that didn't happen. Like, but he set up a little place to do his video.

[Brady]

Melissa shut off her social media.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

You know, wants a privacy right now. I get that, but I don't, I don't know about the, the reaction of shutting off your Instagram and stuff like that. That I don't think that looks real good.

[John Holberg]

Look, he's sitting in a scenic picture. Like he framed his shot to say, I didn't do this. I would be wherever I am. Hey, a lot of rumors going around about me, but trust me, these little pricks and their parents are going to jail because I didn't do anything. That's what an innocent man does. And I know people are like, you don't know. I would know that one. There's a lot of things to be like, hey, this lady's accusing you of something. Like, oh geez, what do I get? I would have to think about it. I know for a fact kid diddling did not happen. And you accused me of it. I'm coming out swinging.

[Brady]

Immediately he turned himself in and drove to New Mexico. So that scenic background's there. And he said, you know, I don't have cell service there too.

[John Holberg]

Lies. That's all lies. Everything he's doing is covering. He's, he's protecting his everything. So yeah, there is a background.

[Brady]

They've put the statement out that a 28 year old woman accused him of groping her. But they settled that one.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

And then there's a 17 year old in 1994. That one ended with settlement. The 28 year old later accused him of groping, but there was never prosecuted due to insufficient evidence.

[John Holberg]

It's all allegedly and it's all. But it's my opinion that I feel like this reaction screams guilt. He better have something strong. But if he had something strong, he'd have done it day one. You just don't have to. So all that news coming out about him is gonna, it's going away. And those kids are, this will. There'll be a settlement. I remember when Brian Callan had that happen to him. And it wasn't a kid, it was a lady. And he immediately said this all lies. I had sex with her. Like he said, had I had sex with her. And it was consensual, but all lies. Everything else she's saying is wrong. And when I called him and said that, I'm like, hey, man, if any of this turns out to be bad, I'm not going to support it. But until it does, I'm. I'm in your corner. And we talk for like an hour because I don't know why it's happening, but it's happening. And you know, I. I have the truth on my side and I know that. I'm like, all right, if you're lying to me, that'll come out in the wash, but I believe you. So we're going to move on. But that was his initial reaction was not disappear for a couple days and have a lawyer say, hey, say this, that's bad.

[Brady]

And then, you know, the timing of it, everything too.

[John Holberg]

Cuz. Screw those kids.

[Brady]

The Leah are friends.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, well, he was. He got away with it too. He had a bunch of bad stuff happening. But the way he's acting, just if you're ever accused of it, fight immediately. And again, like we said yesterday, way, don't tickle someone else's kids. Don't touch anyone else's kids.

[Brett]

Run from them.

[John Holberg]

Especially if you've got something to lose. Yeah, just don't let them in your house. Run from them. Yeah, Greenland, it's the safest place. It's too cold. You always have mittens on. And then for all you people driving to work this morning, recent study basically said that 93% of you pick your nose. And I've seen it in your cars. Nobody ever answers that question honestly. But everybody picks their nose. And it now is being linked directly to Alzheimer's. They're saying if you pick. Yeah, if you pick your nose a lot, if you're a frequent nose picker, your dirty fingers and the bacteria to the nose will lead to infections that lead to crusting. I have that. I have crusting in my right nostril from having busted my nose a couple times. I have a little bit of a deviated thing. And my. When you're in there a little. Well, I go in with a napkin every morning and twist and pull the inner lining of this inside out because it's always crusty and then it bleeds. And, and they're saying that, that, you know, your immediate connection, nose to brain connection, is the most crucial for, you know, keeping bacteria out of there. We all stick our fingers in our noses, whether you want to admit it or not. But they're saying that that's the hallmark of Alzheimer's. So it could lead to Alzheimer's. So if you're picking your nose right now, think about it. It's probably going to lead to your brain shutting off. However, if it were true, then like 90% of us would end up with Alzheimer's. Doctors are saying it's not too late. If you've been a picker for years and years, your fingers are kind of now like a penis in the 80s. Wrap it up. We need little finger rubbers for pickers. And that way you can get in there and dig around without your dirty ass fingers going in your nose. It's a fact. You're a picker. I'm a picker. We're all pickers. You can't help it. Sometimes you're sitting in the car and like, Jesus, something in there, you don't realize it. You pull one out, you're like. And everybody's like, yeah, that's great. You're doing it. I. You stop lights. People think they're invisible in their cars. We've all looked over and got, oh, digging for gold over there. I try to keep it casual, but in the morning I go in with. I wrap toilet paper around my finger and I go in there deep. And lately it's been great. This morning was horrible. I had a big nosebleed this morning when I got out of the car. It wasn't from picking, which was. I even said, did I hit something? Nope. But if you've got that crusty nose like I've got, we're all going to be brain dumb when we're old. And that's fine by me.

[Brett]

A lot of them already are.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Yeah, most of them are probably that. But scientists are quick to say that they're linking nose picking to Alzheimer's, but they're also not sure what causes it. Could be anything.

[Brady]

I'm pretty sure there's more studies.

[John Holberg]

They say if you start losing smell early, that's one of the first signs. Alzheimer's first takes your smell a little bit and. And a lot of times that's the. You've been picking and ripping it. You know, the nerve endings, you just numbed them down and they don't smell anymore. So the smell tests are a quick way to go. Oh, we gotta test for Alzheimer's. Because your smell starts to go. And if your parents did it, you know, they're pickers. Everybody's a picker. So in your car right now, if you could just kind of pull back a little bit, get your finger out of there.

[Brady]

The People that have wrap it up blowing their nasal passages, you know, like too much cocaine and stuff. Do they lose their smell?

[John Holberg]

Oh, yeah. Coke people will lose their smells. Yeah. Yeah. If you put your finger in my right nostril and you could fit your fingers in my right nostril. It's massive. You could fit a Hyundai in my right nostril. And you felt that you'd be like, wow. It's like one of those topographical maps. It is not smooth the left one. Smooth the right one. It's like Mars. It's awful in there. That's because I busted my nose three times. So when you break your nose, evidently there's like all sorts of problems with one of your breathing passages. Dries it out. It's like I've got a fan on my nostril the whole time. But don't pick your nose this morning. It's all a little public service announcement to everybody. Did you pick this morning on the way in? I don't think so.

[Brett]

Probably, though, But I blew it in the shower, so.

[John Holberg]

Oh, you're one of those. I find that to be disgusting. My dad used to do that. You'd hear it.

[Brett]

Sometimes when I wake up, the allergies are so bad. It's, you know, I got to get the steam and everything going, throw it.

[John Holberg]

Out in the shower. And then you just kind of kick it around.

[Brett]

I just let the water take down the drain.

[John Holberg]

I'm not better because I usually do it on the walk up to the door here at work.

[Brett]

Just do the farmer blow.

[John Holberg]

A farmer's blow on the sidewalk. Sometimes I look down and it's like a period.

[Brady]

Oh.

[John Holberg]

So if you're one, that's great stuff. Now, I hope somebody listening walks up there and goes, that's. That's John's thing. In fact, my nose was bleeding so bad this morning, I went into the ladies room to get the towels in there, and then I just can't be up there. Yeah. And then I just placed them in the trash like a pig would. So there's just blood and it's gross. But I did it because it's like, now you know how we feel when we see it. But. Yeah, don't pick your nose anymore.

[Brady]

Blow my nose before I go to bed. And then when I. After the shower, when I wake up in the morning.

[John Holberg]

You don't do it in the shower.

[Brady]

No.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. You're a picker. And I know it because whenever we say, hey, Brady, you got something in there, you just reach for it. Everybody, we got to get over this.

[Brady]

There's something in there. I'm getting it.

[John Holberg]

I don't understand why people are so like.

[Brady]

It's. Especially if you can't. If it's. You can't blow it out, right?

[John Holberg]

You got to get it. And it's like. And people can see it. Like the other day I was at the Sun's game and my friend Anthony turns to me and he goes, john, I'm your only friend. I'm like, what? And he goes, you got something on your nostril. I'm like, ah. Which is a horrible fear of mine. I'm like, really? How long's it been there? I'm like, like, I don't know. I just noticed it. And I said, I'm the only person who would tell you. And I'm like, all right. And I, I didn't like go, I've got to go to the bathroom and get a tissue. I went right to it, pulled it off, probably wiped it on my pants. I don't know where it went. But everybody acts all like, oh, it's disgusting because other people's boogers are gross. If Brett's boogers got on me, it would be horrible. Mine, my own, eh? Until every bodily fluid that comes off of you and gets on me is disgusting. My own doesn't bother me at all.

[Brady]

I saw a girl the other day in the car picking away the pinky swirl.

[John Holberg]

Oh, she got.

[Brady]

And then into the mouth.

[John Holberg]

Oh, right now that's one.

[Brady]

Really.

[John Holberg]

That's where the percentage has to drop heavily. Although there are times where you sometimes just go. And you feel it fall down your throat. And I'm like, man, it's going there, you know, I mean, yeah, enjoy your breakfast everyone. But yeah, picking, Alzheimer's and picking are now related. So for those of you who are picking right now, just know that's one IQ point coming off every time you do it. And then I want to get to this. I. You know, this has become a thing. Noel and Dylan have emailed me and says, john, I don't know if you're going to get this, but I want to reach out. We had to call your friends at Happy Endings Pet euthanasia. Today, our 19 year old Chihuahua, Vader. Wow, 19. Let's just hear it for Vader, shall we? Thanks to them, our old fellow was able to go to sleep at home feeling our love before he passed on. And it blows. And I know what you say, this is when we can share that love with the less fortunate dogs and do that. I was hoping that maybe the ghouls would pour one out for Vader this morning and give their pups a little love and treats in honor of 19 year old Vader. And all of them deserve to be spoiled. Much respect. Dylan. Dylan, you got it. Nice job, Dylan. Getting Vader all the way to 19. That is running the whole race and then a little extra. And you sound like great dog people. So I, I just had this talk with Eric Brian from Precision Air and we were chatting. He had to put his dog down a couple weeks ago. And we were talking about. He goes, it's just devastating. He's like three days, I've never felt this bad. He said I had an easier time dealing with his dad dying. And that was crushing to him because he got to say things to him. He got him to understand because this dog just. And he wasn't home. It was rough and we had this long talk and I'm like, Eric, I'm going to tell you this. Even though you're not ready, there's a dog in a shelter that needs that same treatment. There's a dog in a cage right now that needs the life you gave that last dog. They don't last long. And I know it hurts. But that's my advice to everybody. If you can do for another dog what you did for the last one, you keep the cycle of dogs being in good homes alive. Good people need to be pet owners. Good. The 19 year old dog, you guys cared for that thing for two days. That's as long as Mike Tom was a coach of Steelers. You got it done. And they call him a legend. So that's what Vader is, a legend. Take a breath. There's a billion chihuahuas in the Humane Society and all the pounds and earth, go grab another one and give it the same life you gave Vader. Because another one sitting in a, in a cage shaking right now thinking, how come no one wants me? How come Vader got lucky? Do it. Nice job. We will definitely be getting extra cookies in for my five. Plus the cat. Why not throw that in there too? Brett, what do you got on the big board of musical treats this morning?

[Brett]

All right. Tons of wake up songs coming and they're kind of all over the board here. Okay, so, Godsmack, I hate you coffin cats. Way of the road for Tomlin Static X Love Dump for Julio Iglesias. Skid Row I'll remember you for Tomlin Rockwell. Somebody's watching me for John's TV meshuggah, Metallica, Foo Fighters, white limo for Dave Grohl's 57.

[John Holberg]

It's his birthday today. I might have to go with Dave.

[Brett]

Iron Maiden run to the hills for Tomlin if the cardinals go calling.

[John Holberg]

That's true. If Mike. Mike Tomlin, if you are listening, Nick, please, for God's sakes, don't take this job. I can't see you in a cardinal's helmet or hat.

[Brady]

Happy birthday to a Zach Wild, too.

[John Holberg]

Oh, as well. All right.

[Brett]

Body counter goes to neighborhood for Greenland. And in flames, deliver us for Greenland's hellcats.

[John Holberg]

There goes the neighborhood is pretty solid. If we could just put that up in Greenland and watch that. I just love to see that. Just driving right off the carnival cruise out the back. Just one hellcat after another. All right, let's do them both. Screw it. White limo. And there goes the neighborhood. How about that for Dave Grohl? Who deserves it? That's the best. That's such a great song. Such a great rock song. We'll do a little white limo from the foo. And then there goes the neighborhood for my Greenland plan. I bet you if I got in a room with Trump, he'd be like, I like it. That's not bad. Saving your money, sir? Wasting fraud. Let's do it. It's Foo fighters. I absolutely love this one. It's white limo. Happy birthday, Dave. Arizona's most powerful rocket in your stat. It's out of control now. 98. Morning sickness. We're ready to go with the Brady report. That's right now. And it is a flying up. Before we get to that, though, I do have to say that my attempts to remain casual about political opinions because again, as I've told you, I don't care. We don't control a thing. All I'm doing is reading the tea leaves. We're gonna attack Greenland. We're gonna attack him. I didn't say I was Ford or against it. I'm saying if we're gonna do it, here's an idea Kyle has emailed in. Don't pander to the MAGA retards, please. Taking over Greenland would not end well. Stick to the fart jokes. Kind of think my black invasion of Greenland was a fart joke. I'm pretty sure you're the one that's lost your mind here. You thought I was serious through that? I have to explain that to you. You were all for taking over Greenland. Did you hear how Kyle relax.

[Brady]

With.

[John Holberg]

Hellcats and carnival cruises? You're like, he's a right winger. How can I let stick to fun jokes and jokes that I understand? Kyle really I just know you're gonna make those red headed weirdos happy. Right? That's my job, making people smile. But I wasn't smiling. That's what matters most. If you were politically stung by my Hellcats Carnival cruise, raising canes Blacks to Greenland plan and you want to make us think about it, feel free. But also look in the mirror and say what the am I doing with my time?

[Brady]

Maybe he can make him happier by saying we'll turn Greenland into the ICE headquarters.

[John Holberg]

Ah, well, see, no, because that people with red hats are smiling. Did it again. There is. I do firmly believe, although I think it's abused and used too much, that there is a Trump derangement syndrome. That people are so hateful for him. You confuse what I said for a political statement because your brain is all politics now, Kyle. I'm. To be clear, pretty sure my Hellcats to Greenland plan is not going to fly. Let me just say that right off the bat that I'm not going to really go down and petition for it now. If I get a call later today, I'd be like, hey, somebody in the Fed there. I want the. All I'm doing it for at that point is attention. Like all of you with Instagram, it would be hysterical. If I was the face of the carnival and Hellcats to Greenland program and it got taken seriously, I'd run with that forever because it's funnier. Don't tell me to stick to fart jokes when you didn't get it in the first place. Did you hear Homeberg this morning? Maga retarded. What'd he do? Oh, he said we should give hellcats to black people and move them to Greenland to scare all the racist Inuit whites up there. And you took that seriously? Government just might do that. You took that seriously? Well, what about. How am I supposed to take it? Maga retards. Don't say maga retards to me either. Then if it's. If what I said offended you. You can't say maga retards because you're on the side that's not supposed to do that, Deck. I'm the one that gets to say because I don't pick a side. I think there are plenty of margaritards. I also think there's a lot of live tarts. A lot of tards is what I'm saying.

[Brett]

He hates these tarts.

[John Holberg]

Yes. If anybody thought that plan I had was something that is going to rally the base, you're lost in your own nonsense and you need to take a step away I will stick to the fart jokes. I made plenty of them this morning. Julio Iglesias finger was making tons of fart sounds. I've hit my quota. Do I think my blacks to Greenland is a good idea? Yes. Do I think it's realistic? No.

[Brady]

I don't know.

[Brett]

Carnival's going there.

[John Holberg]

Now look, we all know that there's a. Shut up, you Murgat. Yeah. Oh, now look at him. Oh, his hat turned red. Oh, his exact. Got a poster. Melania, how's this happening so fast?

[Brady]

You do.

[John Holberg]

There's a thread of potential reality that's called satire. Oh, I have to explain it all. The Kyle, stick to the fart jokes, Jackass. Enough politics. Like, how was that political? Well, you want to take over Greenland again? Reset. And I knew I told you, Brady, while I was doing it. Like, people will be mad about this. They'd rather have a military war than they would like a satirical crazy plan. It's a South park episode. I just wrote a South park episode. That's all that was. I can't imagine the emails they get. Oh, man, I can't believe you'd support that. It's like, oh my God, how do you run that?

[Brady]

It's a network.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, the crazy can't get out of your own way politically and just take a breath and go. Hey, he. He doesn't just say that. Do you think John means this? Kinda. But let's just be realistic here. It sh. Calm down, Kyle J. You're good. And don't write. Stick to the fart jokes at the end of something you put in. Please. Let's just have an accord here. Although I do love when the nutbag's email. I just absolutely love it. And Aaron said Kyle's an idiot. That plan wouldn't work for MAGA because it involves paying black people. Right? They wouldn't do that. That would be. That would be a really rough sell for them. It's a fun plan. It's probably not real anyway. It's 803. It's time for Brady to give you the real news.

[Brett]

Don't tart it up, Brady.

[John Holberg]

Maga. Oh, you're gonna get all the MAGA retards excited and they're gonna start talking about this like, good. That's hilarious. Little levity. It's time for Brady. Yeah, try not to tarted up either direction, Lib or maga. We got a lot of tards floating around the edges here. We need the guy to come clean the tank a little and get all the algae off the corners. Because the fish in the middle are beautiful. It's time for Brady to give you all the news. It's called the Brady Report. It's brought to you by our friends@allpro. Shade.com. shade. He's talking about it again. What did I miss?

[Advertisement Voice]

I've been on the horn with a bunch of Hellcat dealers.

[John Holberg]

Oh, no. Yeah. If you can get it done, get it done. Because I find that to be the more hysterical thing that if this plan flew, be like they're not disinterested. I'd be like Brewster's Millions. And I just get everybody to vote none of the above. Anyway, it's brought to you by All Pro shade. AllProChade.com is where you go. It's 80 degrees in January. You're gonna need shade later this year. I have a feeling it's gonna be 200 by June moon. It's beautiful right now. Absolutely stunning. I took the top off of my Bronco in November, thinking I got a couple weeks of great weather. I'll put this in the garage and I'll drive the Jeep. I have not driven the Jeep once this winter, except for on days it rained because the weather is spectacular. Nothing better than where we live right now and sitting on your back patio and enjoying your day. But if the sun's in your eyes, it's still annoying. Make it even better. All Pro Shade will take care of that. No glare on the TV you put on your backyard patio. No sun directly in your eyes. And better yet, not squirting through your windows at sunrise or sunset to wreck your kitchen or your living room or wherever you're sitting. They'll cover it all up and they'll do it smart. Motorized shades that go away when the weather gets bad. But we never have that. So it's always like having another room in your house. It's an addition. It's almost extra square footage. And it's all from our friends at All Pro Shade. Check them out. All Pro Shades. Brady reported.

[Brady]

Good Wednesday morning to you, Phoenix. Hello, world. Happy National. Dress up your dog day. Or dress up your pet day. Your sugar glider.

[John Holberg]

If you. If you can dress up a sugar glider, I'm impressed. If you have clothes for that, you're a pervert, too. Why would you have sugar glider out?

[Brady]

Alligator.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, I don't know what's going on with that.

[Brady]

A couple of basis fun facts. The first dog park in America was established in 1979 in Berkeley, California.

[John Holberg]

Huh?

[Brady]

Salvador Dali once conned Yoko Ono into.

[John Holberg]

I like how you say her name. Yeah, like hillbilly says. Oh, and a's in the Midwest.

[Brady]

Sumo wrestler Suma.

[John Holberg]

She conned a sumo wrestler?

[Brady]

No. Salvador Dali conned Yoko ono into paying $10,000 for a blade of grass. Yoko offered to pay that amount for one of his mustache hairs, but he secretly substituted the blade of grass because she thought. He thought that Yoko was a witch. Might be using the hair and a spell.

[John Holberg]

Everyone in the story is insane. What was the blade of grass having to do with anything?

[Brady]

Substituting the mustache hair. He used the blade.

[John Holberg]

She couldn't tell the difference between a blade of grass and his mustache hair.

[Brady]

Yeah, that's how good of an artist he is.

[John Holberg]

Oh, Jesus. It wasn't art. It's a physical thing.

[Brady]

He colored it and.

[John Holberg]

Huh. Okay, it worked.

[Brady]

10 grand.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, she had it.

[Brady]

It's a lovely story.

[Brett]

Morons.

[John Holberg]

Morons. I think I'm gonna go with that. Put it in the moron category. Stick to the fart jokes, Yamaga retard.

[Brady]

Comet tails always point away from the sun because they're created by solar winds.

[John Holberg]

Interesting. I would have never known that because I don't understand any of it.

[Brady]

The U.S. news & World Report did its Best jobs in America list again, and for a third straight year, a nurse practitioner is number one. Typical salary is 129,000 a year. The unemployment rate is less than 1%. They expect 40% more job openings for nurse practitioners over the next.

[John Holberg]

Decade.

[Brady]

Wow. Financial manager number two. $162,000 average. Nice, but less job growth. IT manager number three.

[John Holberg]

171,000. That's starting or.

[Brady]

Average?

[John Holberg]

Average. Okay, Mike, information. Is Mike 170 around here? I don't know. I mean, let's get his ass in here to fix that app, then. Mike. Where is he? We get people emailing all day. Some of you can't get on the app, and you can't hear me. If you can't get on. I don't know how you're doing. But, like, if you're struggling with the app right now, we don't know. Stop emailing me. I have no idea how that works. I'm. I host a radio show. The Bob's made this a 15 element thing. I don't know how apps work. I don't care about the podcast. It all comes back to radio because if the ratings fall, we get in trouble. All the other stuff can go gangbuster. So I don't give a crap about the app and all the other stuff, even though we have to play that game, because the Bob's are idiots. But when it breaks. I know how to fix this. You and I both.

[Brady]

Do.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. We switch mics, we can fix the board. I know how to reach the app. That thing's just floating around in invisible space, so I don't know. We unplugged it and plugged it back in. If it doesn't work, that's all we've got. We got to wait for Mike to get here, and evidently, he's making 170 a year, resting in his comfortable golden.

[Brady]

Bed. Information security.

[John Holberg]

Analyst. Fix.

[Brady]

It. Number 425,000. And then a physician assistant.

[Advertisement Voice]

133,000. The reason why it guys make so much is they don't let you access.

[John Holberg]

Anything. I don't know how it.

[Advertisement Voice]

Works. Yeah.

[John Holberg]

Exactly. What did you do? Remember when they used to sit and you. When you start in radio, and they'd tell. All right, if the. Here's the thing. If you. If you get a. No, I still don't know how this works. If the alert. Emergency alert system goes on, here's what you do. I'm like, should I worry most about the emergency? It never does emergencies. And then you have to learn, like, there's buttons to push. If you hear the emergency. None of us know what to do. BJ Novak, the comedian, had the greatest take on the. That. What do they call.

[Brett]

It? The emergency.

[John Holberg]

Broadcast. Ebs. Yeah. Eas. The Emergency Alert.

[Brady]

System. Was.

[John Holberg]

He. He said we. All through our childhood, all through radio, all through everything, every once in a while, in the middle of, like a cartoon, you're a kid. We interrupted from the ABS test this thing. They tested it and tested it, and in case of a real emergency, you would have been told. Did you on 911 ever hear that? Did we run.

[Brady]

It?

[John Holberg]

No. They tested it for years and never turned it on when we needed it. It.

[Brett]

Ever. You know, the craziest part is their microphones at KDUS down the hall sound better than that national government agency that runs the.

[John Holberg]

EAs. Because it's always like, this is an actual emergency. You'd have been told to run for your.

[Brett]

Life. I don't need to learn how to run it. Because if an actual emergency, I'm.

[John Holberg]

Leaving. I'm leaving, too. I think I.

[Brady]

Care. That's why that message is running. If you hear that message means.

[John Holberg]

Everyone'S off the air, gone. This is not a test of rule. There are nukes in the air there, and it's. The DJ will tell you what to do next. You think I'm not gonna be around to tell you what to do next if the nukes are in the.

[Brady]

Air. A new study from a travel insurance provider looked at into cities and have the cities that earned a reputation for coming off as a tourist traffic, basically the fakest cities in the world. They base that on how often travelers describe their experience as authentic, local or traditional, and not tourist traps or overpriced. And the end they put the list together. 144 global.

[John Holberg]

Cities. Number one, Vegas, New York. Vegas.

[Brett]

Chicago. Number fakest.

[Brady]

Or. Yeah, fake. Number two, Venice, Italy. Number three.

[John Holberg]

Vegas.

[Brady]

Yeah. Number four, Nashville.

[John Holberg]

Tennessee. You, along with about five other people that have been to Venice, all came back and said they didn't like it. It's. I've heard that a.

[Brady]

Lot.

[John Holberg]

It's. It's.

[Brady]

Dirty. It.

[John Holberg]

Smells. It's.

[Brady]

Weird.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. It's just in the summer, just because it looks beautiful. It's like San Francisco from a distance. Yeah. But it's. It's. It's the weirdest thing. In San Francisco from a distance, you're like, that's the prettiest city I've ever seen. And you get in it, and it is the grossest place I've ever been in my life. I hate San.

[Brady]

Francisco. Evidently it's a. You know, I haven't been there in the past couple years. I guess it's gotten.

[John Holberg]

Better. San Francisco. Yeah. It had nowhere to go but up. And San Francisco. Better is still discussed. San Francisco's gross, but it's beautiful. In a postcard or a picture, it photographs.

[Brady]

Well. I think that's, I mean, true with a lot of big cities. I.

[John Holberg]

Mean. Yeah, that one's opening.

[Brady]

Credit.

[John Holberg]

Absolutely. That one is extra though, because it's. It's like two square miles, like New York. Other cities have dirty pockets and stuff, but for the most part, it's like, not all gross. All of San Francisco's gross. It's just. I hate that. I hate that. But everything around it's.

[Brett]

Nice. Looks beautiful in full.

[John Holberg]

House. Oh, my God. Full. Yeah. And then. Yeah. And then you step over the feces and the homeless guy and the needles that are being shot through the air like arrowheads. In the 1800s, didn't you say that even.

[Advertisement Voice]

In. Even at the time, that house was like way overpriced for the tanner.

[John Holberg]

Or whatever Tanner's could have afforded that place. It's on Nob hill. Knob Hill. What? 98. No way. Homeberg's morning sickness. By the way, Kyle has emailed back and I think he's redeemed himself. He goes, thanks for the shout out. They do make all wheel drive hellcats, so it probably would work. And the Carnival cruise I went on last year was mostly Chinese, so those bastards won't even talk to you. All I can say. Oh, and also I can say retard because I banged a downs girl back in the day and I think I might have gotten some of it. He said he thinks. Let me finish. Delete before you start chiming in. Said, all I can say is. I can say. Because I banged a downscroll back in the day and I think I caught some. Kyle, that's redemption right.

[Brady]

There. So that gives you.

[Brett]

The. That gives you the. Yeah, you get safe card when.

[John Holberg]

You. You get the bang one. You got the R word. Pass if you marry or.

[Brett]

Bang. That doesn't.

[John Holberg]

Work. Not for all of them. But Kyle, I appreciate your response. Now calm.

[Brady]

Down. Some guy in Wisconsin got pulled over for a DUI Monday night about six or 50 miles west of Green Bay. Breathalyzer clocked him in at.

[John Holberg]

A.427.

[Brady]

Wow. Five times the legal limit. Point four is seen as potentially fatal. The guy still was managing to drive the car. It was swerving. They finally were able to pull him over without him hitting.

[John Holberg]

Anything. Got that Hellcat pulled.

[Brady]

Over. I know this is gonna surprise you. Three female Asian drivers. Just one driver. Three. Three passengers in the car were enjoying a ski vacation in the country of Andorra. And they're driving and they ended up on the ski slope. The.

[John Holberg]

Car.

[Brady]

Oops. They're following their.

[John Holberg]

Gps. Isn't Andorra like the size of an.

[Brady]

Office? It's a small country. Yeah. You can go through it in four minutes. Where is.

[John Holberg]

It? In between Italy and Switzerland.

[Brady]

Right. In. In Spain.

[John Holberg]

Right. It's just. It's a. It's like a. It's a blip. It's like. No kidding. It's like size of a. I think Brady's right. Like three or four minutes cross. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I think it's the smallest country in the.

[Brady]

World. It.

[John Holberg]

Is.

[Brady]

Yeah. Yeah. I.

[Advertisement Voice]

Motorcycle. The Vatican was the.

[Brady]

Smallest. It's like going through a.

[John Holberg]

Bisbee.

[Brady]

Yeah. I think. I mean, it's a bigger spread. Everybody was just. Yeah. There's a picture of their hired Mercedes car they rented on the.

[John Holberg]

Slopes. Andorra is really little. Toledo. Just France and.

[Brady]

Spain.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Between France and Spain. Tiny. Let's take. Let's. Let's go to war with them. Let's attack.

[Brett]

Andorra. Anything worth.

[John Holberg]

It? I don't.

[Brett]

Know. They're terrible female drivers. We got that.

[John Holberg]

Here. Some ski slopes and a nice slopes. They got a monarchy oh, I'm sorry. Come on. Well, you said it, so I assumed you were being.

[Brady]

Terrible. Archaeologists in Sicily discovered something interesting. An ancient pen dating back from like 689 AD and it was a stylus. It looks like it's a Dionysus, but it has an erect penis on it. It was a penis pen. You can look at the top part.

[John Holberg]

There. Man, they were into dicks back.

[Brady]

Then. They were. It was five inches long. Not the pen is because there's the top of.

[John Holberg]

It. Look at that. They're sure this was a.

[Brady]

Pen? Yeah, I said you dip the tip into ink and just the tip. You're.

[John Holberg]

Right. With it, you get ink all over the.

[Brady]

Place. There's a video that's circulating online where a woman claims she's heard the key to picking the sweetest navel orange is to look at its booty.

[John Holberg]

Hole. Come on.

[Brady]

Brady. She swears she's like you look at the orange and take a look at the navel part. And the.

[John Holberg]

Navel. What is.

[Brady]

That? Should be small and.

[John Holberg]

Tight. Well, yeah. Who's taking a good advice bottom of an orange? That goes for all you think you're revealing new.

[Brady]

Information. She also says the heavier oranges are.

[John Holberg]

Better. Okay. No, he's doing this because it had the word booty. Kirby's still listening. Of course you don't pick an orange with a big hole in the bottom. It all blown out whole prolapse. Oranges are like women. You want them tight, a little juicy in the middle and not fat. And not fat. With big blown out holes. I won't even eat an orange if I pull it off the tree. And too much of the top comes.

[Brett]

Out. Yeah, too much of the booty hole comes.

[John Holberg]

Out. Well, is that the booty hole? I don't know, Brady. Yeah, Brady. Which is the booty hole? The part connected to the tree or the.

[Brady]

Underneath? The.

[John Holberg]

Underneath. Okay, what's the top? The.

[Advertisement Voice]

Skull? The.

[Brady]

Vagine? Maybe it is the other way.

[John Holberg]

Around.

[Brett]

Oh, Should I google booty hole in.

[John Holberg]

Oranges? Yeah, because Brady got cute and now he doesn't.

[Brady]

Know. Yeah, I always thought the top part, where the branch was, was not the booty hole. The.

[John Holberg]

Navel. It's not really the name of it. It doesn't have an A.

[Brady]

Hole. The orange.

[John Holberg]

Anus. He's an idiot. You know what? Kyle's.

[Brady]

Right. It is the opposite end of where it's connected to the.

[John Holberg]

Tree. Okay, so it says it on.

[Brady]

The called the blossom.

[John Holberg]

End. Right. It's not the booty.

[Brett]

Hole. Here's some Booty hole porn for.

[John Holberg]

You.

[Advertisement Voice]

That's. Oh.

[John Holberg]

Man. That's. The thing that came off. Is that the. Is Velma the one that's telling us this?

[Brady]

Probably.

[John Holberg]

No. All.

[Advertisement Voice]

Right. According to AI, a naval orange has an outer rind called the peel with a porous outer layer called the.

[John Holberg]

Flavado.

[Advertisement Voice]

Ooh. An inner white pith. The albedo which surrounds 10 to 12 juicy, seedless segments called the.

[John Holberg]

Carpels. No, it's just an orange. I'm enough with this.

[Brady]

Page. Was the name of.

[John Holberg]

The. No such thing as a orange booty hole. It's.

[Advertisement Voice]

Tight. No, look, he's bringing up Velma because of the.

[John Holberg]

Picture. No, the.

[Brady]

Picture.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. There was a lady that looked like.

[Brady]

Velma. You got a couple of pretty.

[John Holberg]

Videos. You. You store had the word booty hole, and it made a butthole out of an.

[Brady]

Orange. Come.

[John Holberg]

On. Oranges are.

[Brady]

Ass. First one's playing with a little Molotov cocktail. Okay, one looks like a camping.

[John Holberg]

Trip.

[Brady]

Yeah. Oh.

[John Holberg]

Oh. They just chucked it at each other. She was rolling around in the fryer. She didn't see that. She actually stopped, dropped, and rolled in the.

[Brady]

Fire. She's still burning a little.

[John Holberg]

Bit. Well, yeah. She's covered it multiple times. So she stood there. What the hell game was this? Get her out.

[Brady]

Maybe. Maybe.

[Advertisement Voice]

Not. Wind up like you're throwing a fastball with good.

[John Holberg]

Advice. Put her out. This is cracker heaven is what this is. My God. You know what's great about it? Everyone helping her. No one puts their beer.

[Brady]

Down.

[John Holberg]

Nope. No one two hand helps her at all. Get her out. Look at. Look at the. Look at the guy who's gonna help. He's not putting that.

[Brett]

Beer. Pulling up his offer to dump the beer on.

[John Holberg]

Dude. Yeah. He didn't even pour beer on a person on fire. He catch my natty light. He kept his high noon intact.

[Advertisement Voice]

There. Do we give her credit for at least dropping and rolling.

[John Holberg]

Even? She dropped fire in the fire. My booty. All right, will you.

[Brady]

Stop? Okay, the next one's a. A knockout, and you don't need the.

[John Holberg]

Commentary.

[Brady]

Okay? It's too late. Have done this.

[John Holberg]

One. We're done. No, you don't want to do this.

[Advertisement Voice]

One. No, we're good. I.

[John Holberg]

Like. This is a. We can't have commentary because they cuss too.

[Brady]

Much. No, not. Not in the knockout, but the.

[John Holberg]

Afterwards. Okay. Oh, jeez. This girl just levels the other chick right in the. I mean, that is a right cross. She's out cold. She's two a tongue of.

[Advertisement Voice]

Iloa. Look at all that comment you.

[John Holberg]

Don'T need to hear Mokes. All right, let me watch it.

[Brady]

Again. Yeah, you can hear.

[John Holberg]

The. Up until that.

[Brady]

Guy.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. All right, Man. She flattens.

[Brady]

Her. That was.

[John Holberg]

Lit. That's one of the best single punches I've ever.

[Brett]

Seen. That's a night at 59th.

[Brady]

Avenue.

[John Holberg]

Wow. That quinceanero went.

[Advertisement Voice]

Poorly. That's it. Your last one isn't.

[Brady]

Showing. Yeah, it's.

[John Holberg]

Not. Wow. It was a good looking punch, too. Yeah, she. It was from the body. It was hips. It.

[Advertisement Voice]

Wasn'T. She's stepped into.

[John Holberg]

It. Yeah. I believe she's a shoulder turn chola. She's been in fights.

[Advertisement Voice]

Before. Is that the technical.

[John Holberg]

Term? I think so.

[Brady]

So.

[John Holberg]

Okay. They have to get jumped in. That girl knows how to fight. That is a clean.

[Brady]

Punch.

[John Holberg]

Cholo. Men are chol. You didn't know.

[Brady]

That? No, I didn't know.

[John Holberg]

That. It's the gangs, okay? I grew up in New Mexico for a couple years, and we had to worry about that. It was all about your eyes and cholas. Cholas had crazy eye makeup, and that's when they wanted to be in the.

[Brady]

Cholos. Cholas and.

[John Holberg]

Chomos. Well, that was.

[Brett]

Different. Did you ever see.

[John Holberg]

Colors? Come on.

[Brady]

Yeah. Yeah. Come.

[John Holberg]

On.

[Advertisement Voice]

Jesus. Did they call him that in.

[Brett]

Colors? Yeah, I think.

[Advertisement Voice]

So.

[John Holberg]

Really? Cholas and.

[Brett]

Cholas. It's been around forever, Pac.

[Advertisement Voice]

Man. I missed.

[John Holberg]

That. There you go. See? Come.

[Brady]

On. Come on.

[John Holberg]

Poppy. Oh. What do you got there.

[Brett]

Burt? All right, well, you don't want to break into this broad.

[John Holberg]

Scar. Okay. We're down there. It's trying to bust into this lady's car. Two guys. It's not a great looking credit card. Here she comes. Oh, A flying front kick. Turns around. Oh. Kicks the guy in the balls, and oh.

[Brady]

Oh.

[John Holberg]

Whoa. Said Charlize the.

[Brady]

Road.

[John Holberg]

Man. This is fake. That's. She missed that kick. And he pretended. This is all by.

[Brady]

Design. Surprising for.

[John Holberg]

That. All.

[Brett]

Right. Booty.

[John Holberg]

Hole. Yeah. That is a. Unfortunately, that was an attempt to make it seem like a woman could do that. And then that last kick, she missed and the dude still went.

[Brett]

Down. This one sent over for Brady.

[John Holberg]

Staged. Okay. This is a woman who's. Oh.

[Brady]

Gross.

[John Holberg]

Wow. Her legs are cut off at the. At the highest point of the.

[Advertisement Voice]

Pelvis. So she's still got bones in.

[John Holberg]

There. So there's.

[Brady]

No.

[John Holberg]

That's. That's her vagina right there. Brady there. Oh, she's in a Waldo shirt. She's got no legs. Starting right at the vagina. And the two little bones that are still in there that are maybe an inch long are working around by the voice. What voice? The.

[Brady]

Song. Well, maybe I thought someone. I heard someone go, ah, I.

[John Holberg]

Thought that it was.

[Brady]

Us.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Why would that throw you.

[Brady]

Off? Because I thought that was the person saying.

[John Holberg]

It. No, but you still couldn't tell that those weren't.

[Brady]

Legs. I didn't know that was one of you guys. I was looking at the.

[John Holberg]

Screen. But what did it make you think you.

[Brady]

Saw? It sounded like a male voice.

[John Holberg]

Going, oh, I thought that was a fellow. So you're confused. That wasn't a vagina. Let's look at that.

[Brett]

Again. All.

[Brady]

Right. Well, no, I wasn't confused. Well, the other thing is what else was cut off in the injury or.

[John Holberg]

Something? Oh, I think that might have just been a. Yeah, that looks pretty labiaplasty there. You think a guy was going.

[Brady]

To dress up package in the accident too, huh? She's got a booty or born without.

[Brett]

It. But her booty.

[Advertisement Voice]

Shorts. Yeah, that's full on orange.

[John Holberg]

Brick. That is the female.

[Brett]

Anatomy. All right, how about some third world street.

[John Holberg]

Justice? All right. Oh, God. We're in India and a guy is evidently the back of his pants. He has been urinated on by all the townspeople. And right now one of them is peeing right on his head and mouth. This is Africa or India. I can't quite. Africa, I think. And this is his punishment. The whole city gets to watch. Watch people pee on him right in his mouth and he has to take.

[Brett]

It. And then this will go along with. With Brady's story.

[John Holberg]

Earlier. Okay, not that one. Here we.

[Brady]

Go. Every morning felt like a battle.

[John Holberg]

I was losing with my own bed. I was numb. Then one morning I did something different. Oh, God. Booty hole. Right into some lady with her face. Halloween into a guy butt crack. And she is in there. Oh, my Lord. Oh, that's supposed to be done in the dark. That is not supposed to be something people see, that's all. Oh, she is devouring the crack of that.

[Brady]

Man. Wow, that's good.

[John Holberg]

Navel. Sure, everybody enjoys it, but you're not supposed to see it. Yikes. I can't imagine how hard Brady would giggle if that was being done to him or he was doing that. Like the laughter would be childlike, like Elmer. It would be so funny to watch you do.

[Brett]

That. I think he'd be crying if he had to do it, but if he was getting it, he'd.

[Brady]

Be.

[John Holberg]

Tollsberry, just calm down. I can't help it. Booty hole. It tickles. I Can't imagine how hard you'd be giggling if you were bent over the rail of that patio like that guy and someone was doing that to.

[Brady]

You, you would be giggling. Crying. Yeah, all the.

[John Holberg]

Above. You'd be losing it. And the worst part is you might like it. And that's probably why you don't do it. Just in.

[Brady]

Case. Just in.

[John Holberg]

Case. Think about that. You're backing into her, you know, who is watching. Oh, boy, here we go. Just put your face in my butt crack. Oh, Brady, that's nice. That would be awesome. I want to see you after that happens to you. A girl does that to you, and then you have to deal and rectify that with the Lord. Tough. Tough for you. I want to be there for all 24. I want to be the Korean watching through your Samsung. Oh, this will be a good one. I get to hear his prayers. He get to apologize to Jesus. I shouldn't have done that. I promise. I'm human. I make.

[Brady]

Mistakes. I shouldn't have done.

[John Holberg]

That. You shouldn't have done that. But did you like it? That's why I'm talking to you. I loved it. Yeah. If butts were off limits, God shouldn't have put a man's G spot in there. It's his fault, right? Eventually, someone's gonna get curious and go, wait a minute, there's a button in there. Oh, boy, here we.

[Advertisement Voice]

Go. Doctor found yours.

[John Holberg]

Right? Yes, he did. I didn't realize that was supposed to be.

[Brady]

Pleasure. I've seen him for years. Was there a tear for that.

[John Holberg]

One? Oh, no, that one was just. Well, that was a lot of embarrassment and strangeness. It was just in the office, but it's in there. And there you go, everybody. That is your Brady Report. It's 98. Prepare the Sun's most powerful rocket in your station. It's out of control now. Morning sickness and cruising through Wednesday morning. It's a good one, man. Fast 78 degrees and records falling, and who cares? Beautiful, glorious. It's perfect outside, especially in the morning. It's really nice watching people walk around. Everybody said we're still doing it, complaining about everything, and still we managed to live in paradise. It's just getting better and better every day. And we're not in St. Louis, and that's the thing. All right, everybody calm down. The simulation is broken. And I realized it a long time ago, but this is proof of it. There are a bunch of. What are they called? Oh, what's the name of these things? Velvet monkeys, they call them. Or green monkeys. And they're loose in St. Louis. Tons of them, right. So they go to the zoo and they're like, hey, your velvet monkeys, your green monkeys are loose. And the zoo's like, nuh. And they're like, what? And so they went to some other place and they said, oh, you lost your velvet monkeys. We've got them. They're running all over St. Louis. And they're like, all of ours are accounted for. So now St. Louis has a problem, and they don't know where it came from or why it's happening that they're running amok in St. Louis. In the article, it says, this is how dumb America is. The species is native to the sub Saharan Africa, not Missouri like some people. That's one of.

[Brady]

Those.

[John Holberg]

Wow. Those southern Missouri velvet green monkeys. Yeah. So they've got those running around, and that's just proof that we've lost. I started thinking about this in, like, the 1930. If your neighbor had four velvet monkeys in the backyard, you just. You'd put a stop to it. Like, we're way too accommodating for nonsense now. People shouldn't be allowed to have sub Saharan pets that don't belong here. That, by the way, murder people if they're loose. They're like, please don't approach them. They don't know how many there are either. And they don't know where they came from. So there's some dude out there who just, like, went out in his backyard one day, guy, and he's like, where's the monkeys? I ain't saying. And he just cleaned up the cages and like, I want my.

[Advertisement Voice]

House. He got rid of the.

[John Holberg]

Evidence. Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about. Like, your neighbor said you used to have a bunch of them. Oh, he's crazy. My neighbor's.

[Advertisement Voice]

Insane. They were like, that.

[John Holberg]

Guy. But it was important to include in the article that they're not native to Missouri. For those of you walking around going, look, the elusive sub Saharan Missouri.

[Advertisement Voice]

Monkey. Come on, John. What? 150, 200 years of.

[John Holberg]

Schooling. Oh, no.

[Advertisement Voice]

Yeah. Hasn't taught him that monkeys aren't native to.

[John Holberg]

America. It's proof that we have no clue what's going on. And the whole thing's destroyed. This. It's broken. So here's my hope. Fingers crossed. The monkeys become native to Missouri, and we have a massive problem with it. Like, they're everywhere. St. Louis especially, because the cardinals are there and I hate them. And if we could have maybe, I don't know, one of the, like, during a St. Louis Cardinals game, one just rogue flies out of the crowd and attacks the first baseman and just eats him right there on tv. And like, well, that's one of those Missouri ones. Nothing we can do about them. We lost control of that years ago. You got to remember, we. This has happened with the boa constrictors in Florida. And we kind of are like, yeah, that'll happen. Couple other things. We've loaded up in states and they don't belong there. I want to read for the rest of my life about the scourge of the Velvet Monkeys of St. Louis. I know what he do. Look, I'm not talking to him right now. I'm just saying it's a hilarious title for a thousand different reasons. And I want it to be part of humanity. Now St. Louis is closed. And by the way, this is exactly how outbreak.

[Brady]

Began. We might have some here. Wildlife World.

[John Holberg]

Zoo. Well, that's a zoo, Brady. That's okay. If all of a sudden there's one on 57. What are you not following? On 52nd Street. And we go to the zoo and they're like, nope, we've got all ours. Well, where did this come from? No one has an answer. There's no permits, there's nothing. So they're running all over. And I pray to Brady's God, top to bottom, please let there be a massive population boom of velvet green monkeys in Missouri. That makes it uninhabitable for humanity. Please make them violent and hilarious, because that would be amazing. And then you could get to hear some dumb people every once in a while going, you know, they're not supposed to be here. Like, yeah, of course. Anyway, they give you a number. So if you see one, just call this number. And there's the other thing that we're gonna see because everything's on video. You're gonna see some poor. Like, I don't know what office he'd. But it wouldn't be the cops, but maybe a cop just like, hey, there's one in my front yard. And he's got to stand there and like, I gotta. I gotta shoot that thing. And I don't know. What if I miss? It's going to crush me. And that'll be on the news. Got.

[Brady]

One. Yeah, that'd be.

[John Holberg]

Tough. God would be.

[Brady]

Impossible. You're shot. They better off having.

[John Holberg]

The. They don't train for.

[Brady]

That. Tranquilizers. Call them the.

[John Holberg]

Wildlife. You got to get some specialist. That's why I hope it goes insane. Please let this go nuts. The fact that we allowed it. We deserve it. Humans have to take our punches sometimes. When we get cute and go, it's all right. You can have a wild animal in your house. And when it gets loose, don't get mad at the animal. Let it go. We can't. What about us? You weren't thinking when you were being all free and easy with, like, people should be allowed to have wild. No, no. Exotic. Don't belong here. Animals, tigers, koala, all that. No, it stays where it.

[Brady]

Goes. Brady, our lovebirds are.

[John Holberg]

Beautiful. You saw what happened.

[Brady]

There. Good.

[John Holberg]

Point. They're.

[Advertisement Voice]

Everywhere. They're all in your.

[John Holberg]

Neighborhood. No, we chased them.

[Advertisement Voice]

Off. Oh, you.

[John Holberg]

Did? Well, those big hawks showed up, too. All of a sudden, we had those kestrels that were screaming in the backyard. And the next thing you know, you're finding beautiful little heads laying around your backyard. Glorious, orange, pretty little lovebird.

[Advertisement Voice]

Heads. Your dogs must love.

[John Holberg]

That. Well, they don't know. I get to them pretty.

[Brady]

Quick.

[John Holberg]

Okay. I don't know where the bodies are. The dogs might leave the heads for me. But they're like, brett, it is so sad to see something so pretty decapitated. Oh, said O.J. it is true. So all I'm saying is, if you're gonna toy with this idea and you lose a countless amount of velvet monkeys in a major metropolitan area, I root for the monkeys. And I love that the guy who had him isn't saying a word. He didn't even put out a. Like a. He didn't put posters up in the neighborhood like a cat was missing. It's like, anybody see, like, 35 of these? Call this number. He's just like, nope, I.

[Brady]

Don'T. That would be a ballsy.

[John Holberg]

Thing. I don't have any 35 of these. I don't have any more of.

[Advertisement Voice]

These. I lost all.

[John Holberg]

Mine. This guy says, I hate that. I'm laughing with Brett. We all do. It's a funny story by itself. He ruins it. But I'm just hoping there's like a mass exodus of, you know, people of St. Louis have to move because.

[Brady]

They. To.

[John Holberg]

Greenland. They take over. Well, moving to Greenland, they take over. They just take over the whole town. And St. Louis is a ghost town because some idiot let this happen. Brady, it can't be celebr it anymore. The animals that don't belong are in somebody's backyard. And Gilbert, or anything else, because this is how it always ends. It's.

[Brady]

Crazy. My velvet monkey would never.

[John Holberg]

Escape. No, but if you had a lot of them, because one one bigots.

[Brady]

Three.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Next thing you know is like, I got this one pretty much under control, and he needs a friend. You're gonna go get another one because you know where to get him. And then those two are like, we could use a third. The third shows up. Next thing you know, you got 10 of them or they multiply. Can you imagine how adorable little babies would be? I don't think. I'm not getting rid of any of.

[Advertisement Voice]

These. You guys know we're gonna have, like, nine velvet monkeys in Palladio this.

[John Holberg]

Year? Oh, that's a good name. It's a good. The stl. Vms. Either way, Winston says they handled Harambe fine enough. Harambe wasn't doing anything wrong, and they still took him down. Anyway, I found the funny story. Because all of a sudden it's like, oh, my God. I can't believe this. Stop it. Neighbors, this is an important thing. If. If Brady slash someone has an exotic pet in their backyard, it isn't funny and it isn't cute. It's time to call someone and have that put into a facility. Looking at you. I'm looking right at.

[Brady]

You. Ever had.

[John Holberg]

One? If you could, you would. But no. One.

[Brady]

Day. One.

[John Holberg]

Day. No. No. If some dealer came to you and said, how about I get you one for a couple hundred? You'd feel the pinch of that $200 right away because your body doesn't like hearing those.

[Brady]

Words. I've looked into.

[John Holberg]

It. 200?

[Brett]

Yeah. Brady take a.

[John Holberg]

Monkey. Brady would absolutely take for the la. He'd walk it around the neighborhood in a diaper until it rips someone's face off. And then he wouldn't. He would act like it was their fault. People need to take accountability for their stupid actions. It's not the fault of the animal. Take over all of Missouri, please. Nobody wants to go there anyway. It's a dump. All of Missouri can be just a big habitat for primates now. I'm for it. I'm sick of us doing this dumb stuff. And then the news was like, my God, we've got to put a stop to this. Nope. You had your chance. They're loose now. They're yours. And isn't it too cold? Won't they just.

[Brady]

Die? It'd be tough.

[John Holberg]

Winter. They're just gonna fall out of trees and.

[Brady]

Stuff. They need.

[John Holberg]

Warmth. Just walking along and like, what the hell's coming out of that tree? Like a big ice block with arms. Oh, my.

[Brady]

God. Mini.

[John Holberg]

Yeti. Look at them. It's raining. It's raining velvet. You know, they're not native to Missouri. Right Heard. Yeah, I've read that in the news. Thanks for including that in the thing. But anyway, thought I'd throw that out there for everybody. All you people who own the exotic pets. And you think it's fun. Dude. At the Biltmore walking around with snakes and parrots and some sort of weird hawk, tigers, a raptor, wolves and. Yeah, I don't know what the hell you're doing. It's insane and it needs to be stopped. Zoos exist for a reason. So you weirdos can go watch caged animals stand. Keep it that way. Brady likes that over there. He likes to feed pumpkins to things that don't eat pumpkins. It's.

[Brady]

Cute. Nothing better when you bond with a.

[John Holberg]

Badger. Sure there is nothing better than tiger. I can think of a thousand things better, including maybe parts of the holocaust. But you're. You're. You're different than me. Oh, yeah. There's nothing worse than trying to bond with a wild animal. That's the dumbest thing in the world. World. I'll just put it this way. Some people survived the holocaust bonding with badgers. Probably 100% failure.

[Brady]

Rate. It's a tough.

[John Holberg]

One. Yeah, It's a tough one to go. I got out of that one. Clean the.

[Advertisement Voice]

Bank. Looking at your business.

[Brady]

Proposal. I'm going to break this hyena you.

[Advertisement Voice]

Watch. Bonding with badgers. Is that what you're calling the business.

[John Holberg]

Name? It's ridiculous. Stop it. Wild animal lovers. Brady Brady's. I give him credit, though. As tempted as he is. And that's the only reason I.

[Brady]

Go to the zoo for.

[John Holberg]

That. Exactly. As tempted as he.

[Advertisement Voice]

Is. And then what do you do at the.

[John Holberg]

Zoo?

[Advertisement Voice]

No. And then he get in with.

[Brett]

Somebody that you can go and touch him on that. Ronnie puts the X Men. Oh.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. That's probably true. There.

[Brady]

Might. There might have been a reptile or two in the house of Ronnie.

[John Holberg]

That shouldn't have been there.

[Advertisement Voice]

There. Oh, if Ronnie wasn't.

[John Holberg]

There. If Ronnie wasn't there, you would have.

[Brady]

What? Kirby probably would.

[John Holberg]

Have. No.

[Brady]

Brady.

[John Holberg]

Okay. I would let me tell you that maybe if Ronnie wasn't there, Kirby wouldn't be.

[Brady]

There. Well, she. She wouldn't shoot it down. Kirby, who's.

[John Holberg]

Like. No, I'm saying. Oh, you're saying if Ronnie left.

[Brady]

You.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. You assume Kirby would still live with.

[Brady]

You. Oh, yeah. For.

[John Holberg]

Sure. And then you guys would just play with snakes all day. Yeah. So no court is going to allow this. This you get. You get every other weekend with. And then you can play with your snakes all week. Ronnie puts a stop to this. But I give you credit, because as tempted as you are to own something for attention, that way you do it the right way. You go to zoos, and then you walk by that crazy person's house who has the. That's close to your place, which I admire that guy. If it wasn't for that guy's exotic animal exhibit on the Green belt by Brady's, Brady would have died years ago. It's the only exercise he.

[Brady]

Gets. That's a bird guy. Carl's. Carl's Pet Rescue.

[John Holberg]

Farm. That's right. And Brady walks his dogs by it and scares the goats. And I.

[Brady]

Don'T. I don't do it too often.

[John Holberg]

Now. Oh, you know, it's too crowded. Oh, there's too many people there feeding them pumpkins and.

[Brady]

Stuff. Yeah, let the kids. Let the kids enjoy.

[John Holberg]

It. Nothing better, though. Nothing better than. Listen, Christy come in here and talk about the animals and then say how crazy weird you got throwing pumpkins at hippos, which I still.

[Advertisement Voice]

Find. And listening to.

[John Holberg]

It. And then she's like, it's fine. Wow. Yeah, wow. Wow. They just eat the whole.

[Advertisement Voice]

Pumpkin. He got up in.

[John Holberg]

There. Nobody knows what that happened for, but it.

[Brady]

Did. Feeding greenies to rhinos, it's just.

[John Holberg]

Awesome. Keeps their teeth clean. He has these false crazy looney theories about what it needs. Yeah, you. That's what the hippo needs. More of you. It was. It wasn't going to make it without us. Well, now it's not. Yeah, because it's been held captive and it gets pumpkins thrown at its face. It's. It's in. You can imagine if hippos could, like, talk to each other. Like, what the happened? Why? What is going on with the big gourds they chuck at us? We don't eat these. Just eat them. It seems to keep them from losing their minds. Imagine what they'll do to us if we don't eat the pumpkins. They're in some strange fever dreams. Yeah, I was being normal. Just hippoing around and stuff. And the next thing you know, I wake up, it's hot. There's some blonde woman and a fat man throwing pumpkins at.

[Brady]

Me. How about a.

[John Holberg]

Tree? I don't know. What? I don't get food if I don't eat the big orange. I don't want them. But they seem to be entertained heavily by the way I smash them. And if I hear the words one more time. Could you imagine if that was a head I'm gonna kill him. Plus, right through it anyway. And I know what Brett's thinking. Velvet is beautiful. He can't hear that without. I'm proud of you for not doing it. We got Rock wars coming up now. Brady, you were warned last week as the loser of Rock wars, that you should be prepared for today. Today, stories that are off.

[Brady]

Limits.

[John Holberg]

Okay? The monkeys of St.

[Brett]

Louis. Oh, come.

[John Holberg]

On. And anything that happens from now until we ask for what your topic.

[Brady]

Is. Got.

[John Holberg]

It? Okay. Take last place seriously, because you made a stink last week about Rock Wars. Now, we've given you your. This is yours for a reason this week. Because Brett won.

[Brady]

Right? No, you.

[John Holberg]

Did. Oh, I won. That's right. Of course I did. It's.

[Brett]

Rigged. That's.

[John Holberg]

Right. John Gordon, yours. Good luck. Do you have a topic.

[Brady]

Yet?

[John Holberg]

Yeah. What is that? I want to know yet. What is that? Velvet. All right, we'll get to that in a second. Rock wars is right around the corner. It's 98. It's out of control.

[Brett]

Now you're listening to the HMS Podcast, brought to you by mmpguns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition, and.

[John Holberg]

Accessories. It's time now for Brady to give us the topic for this week's Rock Wars. And we're ready to go. Last place is. The new rule gets the topic chosen for this week in order to balance the wins. After all complaining last week that it was rigged. We're giving you this opportunity. And I do believe after. When did we say? After. When are we going to start.

[Brett]

Waiting? Halfway.

[John Holberg]

Point. Halfway point. We start waiting the wins. $10 each week for the win. By the way, I didn't get my 10 from you last week. Got one for Brady. Apple. Pay that over while we're going. Brady, what is the topic this.

[Brady]

Week? It is the state song for our new estate.

[John Holberg]

Greenland. Oh, okay. An anthem. A state song for Greenland. And how we're going to approach attacking and keeping it. My plan earlier today way was to send over people of color and scare the Greenlandians the same way Mexico did. And the same way in the 50s, black people used to take over white neighborhoods just to show them we do it that way and Greenland will bow to us. Plus, they'll say they're racist or military intervention. Either way, from what I'm reading, we're taking Greenland. So a new song for Greenland as a state song or as a welcoming.

[Brady]

Song? A welcoming.

[John Holberg]

Song. Welcome to. All.

[Brady]

Right. What it's like living there. The.

[John Holberg]

Appeal. The appeal of.

[Brady]

Greenland.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. So it's Greenland. You have dead air over.

[Brady]

There. To the new.

[John Holberg]

State. It's a siren song to bring people into Greenland from Greenland, welcoming us, the.

[Advertisement Voice]

Conqueror. Sound of.

[Brady]

Wind.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. The conquerors of. All right. I like Brady's approach here. Greenland is now writing songs for us as we take over. A song for Greenland and whatever the hell's going on up there. Do you have any suggestions, Holmberg, at 98kupd.com or you can text 97936. We'll have Rock wars next. It's 98. What? 98. No way. Holmberg's morning sickness. No. Not.

[Brett]

Happening. No cameras in the.

[John Holberg]

Studio. Mia has. Can we do come up to our studio and just started film. Yes, yes. Obscene gestures. You can't just come in here and point a camera at us. That's not legal. I have to agree to.

[Brett]

This.

[John Holberg]

Unbelievable. How long are you going to point that at me? What is the point of this? What are you doing multiple angles? For.

[Advertisement Voice]

What? I don't.

[John Holberg]

Know. Were they doing facial surgery on me? What is this for? Say it.

[Advertisement Voice]

Again. Oh, no, That's a.

[John Holberg]

Bad. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't agree to this at all. That's a bad idea. The official Hubbard website can suck my d. I don't agree to this at all. No, you gotta ask. You gotta ask me permission, and I don't care it. I'm like a Native American. You know, I'm Native.

[Advertisement Voice]

American. We're united on this.

[John Holberg]

Front. We're all a little Native American. We all took a test, and Hubbard is trying to steal our souls. And they're going against our religious.

[Brady]

Freedoms. Might not show.

[John Holberg]

Up. No employer is allowed. No, no. We'll show up. And that's the worst part. It steals our soul. They're not respecting our religious boundaries. And for that, I will sue. You have that all on tape. All right, Give that to him. No, no, no. And now you're just filming. Brady, this is so.

[Brett]

Weird. This is.

[John Holberg]

Creepy. Get out. Out. You're creeping us.

[Brett]

Out. We're.

[John Holberg]

Working. We'll pretend later. Don't do it now. Yuck. We know you have to go. We're gonna kick me out. Get her out. John, escort this fine young lady out of our room. Right. Film John and say it's me. No one will know. Good.

[Advertisement Voice]

Christ. Insert John for.

[John Holberg]

All. You see how she did that? She just came in here all Jack Ruby style and just started filming. Like, can I. That she pulled the camera out first. Now I know how Sean Penn used to feel punching paparazzi. That Got out of control fast. She's a lovely young lady, but that. You can't do that. John, where were you? At the door? Watch that. Hubbard's official website. No, I get to pose for that or give them pictures that I'd like to give. It's time for Rock Wars. And that means that Brady had the topic because he was in last. Last week he chose the topic of Greenland. A song for Greenland. Currently, whichever side you stand on or however your plan works. A song for Greenland. As we inevitably force our will upon them. And I. You know, I'm fine with that. Greenland's not doing anything. Let's just take. We did it to Hawaii. Nobody's complaining about that. It's the exact same thing. Just show up. And this is ours now. So a song for Greenland. Brady, who would you like to go.

[Brady]

First? Brett. Open it.

[Brett]

Up. All right. You know, to me I'm just figuring the other side of things. And. And you know, the Carnival cruise boats roll in and the gates come down like when they storm Normandy. And here come all the.

[John Holberg]

Hellcats. You're stealing and Dr. Dre nothing.

[Brett]

But a g. Thing's.

[John Holberg]

Plan. This is what they are met with. Yep. This is when we finally invade. That's right. This is what we're invading it with. All based and Carnival Cruise. All based on my plan. You are stealing my plan. 9 volt batteries for the fireplace alarms. A clean.

[Brett]

Version. Got.

[John Holberg]

Toledoed. That makes you $5. Toledo just got you here. The first Toledo of the year. No, don't tell me. You got to tell me from the.

[Advertisement Voice]

Beginning. You and I played it for.

[Brett]

The. But I.

[John Holberg]

Didn'T. You got to go clean version. You know better than tell me. That's an official.

[Brady]

Toledo. Wait a.

[John Holberg]

Minute. No. That. Nope. That's an official. I'm making the call. That is an official Toledo. Brett is only worth $5.

[Brady]

Agreed.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Yeah. You've been Toledo two weeks. It took him to.

[Brett]

Toledo. Get.

[John Holberg]

Decided. This one. It's a Toledo. He gave a thumbs up. He said.

[Advertisement Voice]

Toledo. No.

[John Holberg]

Way. Of all the rules that you. Only you. I understand if it was the wrong spot or whatever, but the only thing you have to control is. Is it arable? That's you.

[Advertisement Voice]

Nope. You got to choose songs that.

[John Holberg]

Are. No, that's. No, you know better. Don't make it so I make you pay because this argument is.

[Brady]

Terrible. Go ahead.

[John Holberg]

John. You're like Julio Glacis made right now. You just. There's nothing. Nothing credible about it. Mine's easy. This is what the Greenlandians will feel and what? It doesn't matter. But it's just. It's Green Day. American idiot. They don't want to be Americans. But you know.

[Brady]

What? So.

[John Holberg]

What? So play this all you want. Hey, can you hear the sound of a stereo? I like this.

[Brett]

One. Join the forces of.

[John Holberg]

Greenland.

[Brady]

Jesus. You got.

[John Holberg]

Two. I got hit, too. I got Toledoed.

[Advertisement Voice]

Too. You knew.

[Brady]

That. I.

[John Holberg]

Didn'T. I'm worth $5 now. Brady has an argument if he's the only $10 guy. If you don't toledo him. Come on, man. Don't shake your head. You just have to own this. You Toledoed both of.

[Advertisement Voice]

Us.

[John Holberg]

Nope. If I have to hit the dump button and eat eight seconds of the song while it plays as I'm doing my presentation, that is terrible. Well, two weeks. He's two out of two out of six, so two to five didn't even hit the six from Brady. Good luck. I don't think Brady's song should be too.

[Brady]

Cursed. No, no, no, no. I don't think so either. But we're going to take over Greenland. Let's turn this into a fantastic town. Put a casino up, get it Americanized. I went with gnr. Paradise City. Gotta sell it. We got people to move.

[John Holberg]

There. You want Greenland to become paradise? Big.

[Brady]

Idea. People realize when they move over.

[John Holberg]

There, you think they'd move before looking into.

[Brady]

It. It's.

[John Holberg]

Cool. Ain't nothing up here is green. All right, There you go. All right. No Toledo wing there. So Brady's the only one worth 10. What are they again? We got the phones. We got. No. No phones. We got the text.

[Brett]

Email. Text.

[John Holberg]

Email. Final call, final call. Trivia, trivia and.

[Brett]

Trivia.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. All right. John Gordon's not allowed to play anymore because Brady fired him. All right, so there you go. If you Want to vote [e-mail], you can vote for Brady's Paradise City. For Greenland, you can vote me American Idiot by Green Day, or you can vote Dr. Dre Hellcats Unite. Yeah, that's right. But keep in mind, some of that wind is mine. Because without my idea, you'd have never come up with.

[Brett]

It. Wait a minute now. You knew where my thoughts were gonna.

[John Holberg]

Go. You didn't know my plan for Greenland until this morning. This would have never come out of your mouth. Oh, stop. Fact. You wouldn't come up with the idea. No, no, no. I wouldn't.

[Brett]

Have. Me, of all.

[Brady]

People.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. It would have been a lot.

[Advertisement Voice]

Different. Toledoing.

[John Holberg]

Yourself. Yeah. You are Toledoing yourself. It's beneath you. This is something Brady would do. Cinnamon.

[Brady]

Rock. I wouldn't even go that.

[John Holberg]

Long. No, no, he wouldn't. He wouldn't do something that.

[Brett]

Stupid. All right, booty.

[John Holberg]

Hole, it's 940. You can vote away. And you can text 97936. Get it to us and we'll find out who wins. Next, it's rock wars. What? 98. No way. Homeberg's morning sickness. All right, the results portion. A song for Greenland. Because of what's going on there, everybody just assumes it's gonna happen. Now, I came up with the glorious, brilliant plan of as an un. Gentrifying a neighborhood. I don't know what you would do. You just move in. A different race of people up in Greenland would prove themselves racist and they'd make it easy for us instead of using military intervention. And Brett stole. It's a stolen valor. And he used Dr.

[Brett]

Dre. Nothing but a G.

[John Holberg]

Thing. But a G thing based on my idea. So technically it's all.

[Brett]

Mine. No, no, no, because your song was already in before I even put mine in. So you could have went down your.

[John Holberg]

Road. I didn already gave that great idea. Exactly. And I. I appreciate that you are honoring me with a choice on my.

[Brett]

Military. You can go with.

[John Holberg]

That. That's fine. He chose a doctor. It's a good song. I chose American Idiot by Green Day. Brady chose Paradise City by Guns n Roses as our. Our new theme song for Greenland. And Michael has emailed in and says when you cry like a, you get no votes. Brady, when you pick Green Day, you get no votes. It's like crying like a. I picked that greasy Italian. Thanks.

[Brady]

Definitely. He sent that to me as.

[John Holberg]

Well. He.

[Brett]

Did. I think he sent.

[John Holberg]

Everybody. No, he sent it to you. It says definitely American Idiot. No, not you. By the way, almost 90% of Greenlanders are Inuit. Yeah, but that's white. That's. That's the ultimate whites. They're so close to the Arctic circle. I mean, we're. We're the dark ones compared to them. This one says, I vote Brady Johnson or Brett. Sorry. John song is second best pop pop distant third, Greenland has no grass or pretty girls. This one says, holy hell, what's going on over there? Second rock wars of the year. And it's plunged into chaos. Stupid Toledo and whatever the hell Brett did. Great choices all around. John, you've got my vote. Paula says I'm voting for Green Day, and I think we all get Toledoed. Every time he opens his whiny.

[Brett]

Mouth. I wonder which Paula that.

[John Holberg]

Is. You Know, I really thought Brady would try harder with money on the line every week, but nope. You made me not like guns n Roses for a minute. You son of a. Also, I say we sent Toledo to Greenland not just to take it over to make our lives better. My vote goes to Brett. That's exactly the song it would be playing at the beginning of saving private Dorian as we take over. That's good, too. Again, I like that solid love that you guys are running with my plan, creating it as if you were part of my plan. I would definitely make Brett part of that cabinet I sent Brady. Ludicrous move for when we roll in and take Greenland's government to go away. And he picks paradise city. He wants to lose this game. Ryan says I'm going with Bert. It was fast. Brett got 10 votes, like, really quickly. I got seven. Brady got one. Toledo, what do you have over.

[Advertisement Voice]

There on the dead heat between Brady and Brett on.

[John Holberg]

Texas. How about that? All right, and then so the topics no longer have John Gordon as that final call is a possibility. So if you want to get in on that just in case it gets drawn. 5, 8 5, 9, 800 you have. Did we do from a hat Names from a.

[Brett]

Hat? No, I didn't do.

[John Holberg]

That. We'll do that next. All right, so get four, email one through four, final call trivia and text. All right, John Gordon, pick a number one through four. Number three, he says. And number three is email, which went to Brett. Brett is this week's winner. All right, $5 io5 youo 10. Toledo is fine. That's how that works. Because see, Toledo people, you're going to cover half that bill. You got to get them stymied up and try to get them to Toledo. You every once in a while, Brady, because I know that stings that you're a ten dollar hit this week.

[Brady]

And still great win.

[Advertisement Voice]

Brett. That makes you the loser this week. So you get to choose next.

[John Holberg]

Week'S. Am I last.

[Advertisement Voice]

Place?

[John Holberg]

Yep. How's that work? Oh, and the thing that got chosen. Yeah, okay, that's fine. I will choose the topic next.

[Brett]

Week. Is that how that works? So if you're. Well, is it whatever category if your last place in who's last in that.

[John Holberg]

Category?

[Brett]

Yeah. Oh, so you were last in.

[John Holberg]

Email. I know Brady was last in emails, but this. Oh, this was email, so yeah. Oh, boy. All right, so he gets next week again. So there it is. All right, we're gonna play it. Do you have the clean.

[Advertisement Voice]

Version? I.

[John Holberg]

Do. Here it goes. Be careful. Hellcats United no problem with.

[Brady]

Us. Are we good on.

[John Holberg]

Spots? Oh, yeah. We don't have any more. I'll play them during the song. Turn down was the most powerful rock. It's out of control now. 98K. You PD's morning sick. Morning sickness. I forgot to say that. That was brought to you by Mo Money Pawn. I should have done that several minutes ago, but I did.

[Brett]

It. But going to get the Byron Birthday.

[John Holberg]

Special. It is the Byron Birthday special. Moment upon 12th Street street at Indian school. I got all excited about the heat of rock wars. Forgot to do my part. Plus that girl was filming us. Still don't like.

[Brett]

It. I don't get that.

[John Holberg]

One. Threw us all off. I don't like that at all. Nobody would like that in their office. Somebody just comes in blazing a camera and running at you like you've done something wrong. Now I know how Timothy Busfield felt. Look how I reacted. Get the hell out of here. I didn't do anything.

[Brady]

Wrong. You tickled.

[John Holberg]

Killer. I'd never touched that woman. Bring on the evidence. I ain't hiding for three days and talking to lawyers. I'll do it myself. Anyway. We'll find out what that video thing was all about. You notice how they came in here sneaking, knowing that I'd say no to.

[Brady]

That?

[John Holberg]

Yeah. I came running in here and doing it anyway. I don't like any of that at all. That's a trap. We'll film ourselves. Thank you very much. That's a trap. It is a trap. Congratulations, Brett. Big win for it's 9:57. It's time now for the entertainment drill. And that's brought to you by by our friends at the Schwartz Laser Eye Center. If you can look at the car in front of you. Good test. I do it all the time. Look at the car in front of you and without squinting or straining or anything else, can you read the license plate clearly? It's a great test to see where your eyes are. And if it's kind of blurry, you're like, whoa, that isn't exactly as clean as I thought. Most of us go through kind of slight little eye sight changes and don't even realize it until you do a little test. Try that one today. Today, if you're clear as a bell. Congratulations. Good on you. If you're doing it through glasses or contacts and you're tired of those, Dr. J. Schwartz and his team can help you there too. They have a complimentary consultation. Roll on up there and check it all out. They're the official eye center. If you're Diamondbacks and your sons. And clearly the Suns are seeing pretty damn well. It's Schwartz Laser Eye Center. Brady. Entertain.

[Brady]

Me. Kiefer Sutherland was arrested early Monday morning for allegedly assaulting his rideshare driver in Hollywood. Police responded to a call around 12:15am Kiefer allegedly entered the vehicle, physically assaulted the driver, then made criminal threats toward him. The driver didn't suffer any injuries, but required that required any medical.

[John Holberg]

Attention. How sideways can things go with the Uber driver that you turn to violence? Like how bad I think he's going to the. Why talk to him about that. Maybe hammered or otherwise. That's the whole point of the Uber.

[Brady]

Driver. They booked him around 4am According to Los Angeles county jail records, he was released on a $50,000.

[Advertisement Voice]

Bond. Is he on the sauce again or is.

[John Holberg]

He. I don't.

[Brady]

Know. That's what I'm.

[John Holberg]

Wondering. But that's the point of ride shares. Most people in them are drunk and you don't hear this. It has to go accelerates at light speed for me to want to fight the driver. I mean, I don't know what he would do. I just wouldn't go pull over before I start taking swings or jumping over seats or climbing in front. It just doesn't add.

[Brady]

Up. He could have turned him down too if he was too drunk. He says, I'm not, I'm.

[John Holberg]

Not. But then he had to get in and start fighting him again. Fine, you got turned down. How does it go that fast? And if you're that together, you're not that drunk. Drunk. If you're so drunk you can't be put in, but you can still rustle up a fifty thousand dollar bail.

[Brady]

Fight. Look, the guy jumped a Christmas Tree back in.

[John Holberg]

2005. I know he's. I know he's got some problems. The abilities, I understand that, but everyone in ride shares is drunk. And you don't hear about this all the time. Something more happened.

[Brett]

Here. If you got keeper money, you rent a.

[John Holberg]

Limo. Yeah, and there's that. You know, how bad does it have to get to fight the.

[Brett]

Driver? If you're Keefer, you're not getting some guy's Hyundai to go.

[John Holberg]

Right? At least he hopefully got the XL or the black one. But I mean, I just don't get it. I can't. I don't think I can accelerate to angry that quickly. I mean, I'm just picturing if.

[Brady]

He got, you know, like I said, got in, sat down and says something. The driver's like, oh, he's too drunk. I'm not gonna drive you. Then maybe he.

[Brett]

Gets. That's.

[Brady]

True. We now. Now he's in the car, but.

[John Holberg]

Then as the driver, you just get out. Like, I'm not going anywhere. Get out of my car. Like, I. Again, I don't see how it jumps to physical altercation that.

[Brady]

Quickly. And he hung around for the.

[John Holberg]

Police.

[Brady]

Yeah. New teaser came out Yesterday for Scream 7. It's giving fans hope that Matthew.

[John Holberg]

Lillard's character finally gets.

[Brady]

Killed. Could be alive. The movie hits the theaters on February 27th. Tonight on the Masked.

[John Holberg]

Singer. Oh.

[Brady]

Boy. Johnny Knoxville guests for Fear Night to give the judges clues that they have to earn by facing their.

[John Holberg]

Fears. Eating bugs and.

[Brady]

Stuff. Because tonight's the season premiere Fear Factor. House of fear on Fox. 14 strangers move into the same.

[John Holberg]

House.

[Brady]

Right. To face their fears and chance to win 200.

[Advertisement Voice]

Grand. They did it after football this past.

[John Holberg]

Weekend. Yep. They're pushing that one pretty.

[Advertisement Voice]

Hard.

[Brady]

Yeah. And also the Price is Right at.

[Advertisement Voice]

Night. Is Drew hosting that.

[Brady]

One? Is.

[John Holberg]

He? So, yeah, they give away some big stuff.

[Brady]

There. Fleetwood Max 1975 hit Landslide debuted on Billboard's Hot 100 chart for the first time. And at number 41, a live version of the song hit the chart back in 1998 because of stranger.

[John Holberg]

Things.

[Brady]

Huh. Fleetwood Mac released the landslide back in 75, but Stranger Things had it. And the season.

[John Holberg]

Finale. Oh, I didn't.

[Advertisement Voice]

Know. With Kate.

[John Holberg]

Bush. Oh, yeah. I didn't know that you were saying that it was on there now.

[Brady]

Now.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. So it. It was on the charts at 41 when it first was this past week. This time. Oh, all right. I thought you're.

[Brady]

Saying. But then in 1998, it went to 51. It was a live version that they did from the.

[John Holberg]

Dance. So it's the third time it's been up.

[Brady]

There.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. In the top 60. Well, I guess that's a thing. And didn't someone else cover it, too? Didn't the Dixie Chicks before they were.

[Brett]

Racist? The Pumpkins did.

[John Holberg]

Too. Pumpkins did a good one. That was really.

[Brady]

Good.

[John Holberg]

Good. Oh, no. Did they.

[Brady]

Do. Was it Faith Hill? I think he's.

[Brett]

Right. I think the.

[John Holberg]

Dixie. I think the former Confederate Dixie Chicks did it. And then suddenly, by changing their name, they didn't have those feelings.

[Brett]

Anymore. Yeah. Now it's the.

[John Holberg]

Chicks. Now it's just the Chicks, which is also kind of a derogatory term towards women. We're not there yet. We just had to get rid of the Dixie part because God forbid, you said. And then you just fixed it by saying. We don't say Dixie anymore. All right, that's better. They're not racist anymore. They used to be. Yesterday they were today. No, it's 1003. That's it for us. What's the.

[Brady]

Matter? ESPN predicts Stefanski will land at.

[John Holberg]

Baltimore. Yeah, there's between Baltimore and Pittsburgh. Baltimore is a good find for him. Yeah, Kevin Stefanski is going to stay in division. It's a good hire. It's a good coach. He was just strapped to Cleveland for a while while a guy made magic in Cleveland twice. That's it. Got Coach of the year. That's how bad Cleveland is. He got coach of the Year just for winning. It wasn't about like Super Bowls or how a powerhouse. It's like, my God, Cleveland has. Do you see what he did and wins. That dude's the most amazing. He's a wizard. That was back when Belichick was still coaching and he got a Coach of the Year award. That's how bad Cleveland is. Well, good luck down there in Baltimore. That's it for us. Larry's coming up next. You guys have yourselves a fantabulous Wednesday and we'll see you tomorrow right here in the morning.

[Brady]

Sickness.

[John Holberg]

Hello. It's out of control now. 98 to you.