Holmberg's Morning Sickness – Full Show Summary

Date: January 14, 2026
Podcast: Holmberg's Morning Sickness (98 KUPD, Arizona)
Host(s): John Holmberg (John), Brady Bogen (Brady), Bret Vesely (Brett), Dick Toledo

Episode Overview

This episode kicks off with the crew marveling at Arizona’s unseasonably warm January weather and quickly dives into lively discussions about NFL coaching shakeups, surveillance paranoia, the absurdities of sexual assault accusations against elderly celebrities, and a wild, satirical plan to take over Greenland. The signature mix of humor, irreverence, local insight, and morning mayhem runs through segments, with shrewd observations, ongoing bits, and O.G. morning show randomness.

MAIN SEGMENTS & DISCUSSION POINTS

1. Arizona Weather & Global Warming

Timestamps: [02:17-04:01]

• Unseasonably warm Arizona winter (“80 degrees outside...ridiculous”), nature blooming early, and John’s confused allergies.
• John jokes about the benefits of global warming for Phoenix: “Geographically strategic to global warming... rooting for the ice caps to melt. Yuma will be...beach will be two and a half hours.”
  Notable quote – John: “I’m not a scientist, but I’m not stupid. If sea levels rise a foot...ocean floods coastal cities...that just makes the oceans closer to us and drops our temperatures in the summer... It’s actually going to work out great for us.” (03:11)

2. Mike Tomlin Leaving Steelers – NFL Roundup

Timestamps: [04:25-15:09]

• Big NFL news: Mike Tomlin steps down as Steelers head coach; discussion about his possible next steps.
• John rails against sports radio speculation and breaks down the mechanics of how coaching rights, permissions, and compensation or trade picks work.
• Musings on spoiled fan bases, coaching expectations, the “Cardinal trend” of hiring ex-Steelers, and candidates (Harbaugh, Gruden, Flores).
• Emotional reaction to Tomlin’s departure and NFL coaching turnover: “Mike Tomlin has never lost a press conference. He’s awesome.”
• Notable quote – John: “When your team wins 10 games every year, you should be happy. But they're spoiled because...they’re good enough to be a playoff team not good enough to be a real threat.” (10:04)
• Story about John’s daughter texting him Tomlin news from school faster than he found out himself.

3. Surveillance Paranoia & Tech Riffs

Timestamps: [16:25-24:35]

• John’s wild theory about Samsung TVs “watching” him after a TV comes on while he’s in the room: “Now the TV can see me doing it... Next time you’re whacking it, just know the folks in Korea are watching.” (18:03)
• Classic home tech paranoia stories (microwaves, listening devices, phones for ads).

4. Julio Iglesias / Celebrity Assault Claims

Timestamps: [25:24-44:44]

• The crew riffs on recent sexual assault accusations against elderly celebrities like Julio Iglesias (82), Smokey Robinson, and the absurdity of such charges: “You cannot be 82 and sexually assault anyone. I cannot feel sorry for you. Can't happen.”
• Extended comedic bit about the logistics and plausibility of senior citizens committing sexual assault—comparing old men, midgets, and apex predators.
• Notable quote – John: “If it's anybody under the age of 70 or, you know, fully capable, she's capable of cleaning a house. She's capable of kicking the shit out of Julio Iglesias, and I don't want to hear it.” (34:30)
• Comparison stories about handsy old men at the country club and the “old dirty bastards” golf league.

5. Greenland Satire: “Blacks to Greenland” and U.S. Expansion

Timestamps: [48:06-67:18]

• John proposes a tongue-in-cheek plan for passive-aggressively taking over Greenland by incentivizing “undesirable” or marginalized Americans (notably, African Americans, South Chicago, Maryvale, etc.) to move there with cash bonuses and Hellcats (high-end cars).
• Carnival Cruise lines are suggested to ferry people over; playfully details U.S. history of neighborhood “takeover” tactics.
• Absurd brainstorming includes giving exemptions from child support for those moving, changing street names, and riffing on white Nordic “purity” laws.
• Notable quote – John: “We don’t need bombs for Greenland—blacks for Greenland. I say if there’s one thing I know about white people, they're insanely nervous about when their neighborhoods aren’t the same color. Greenland is white. This is an easy win.” (52:19)
• All considered pure satire—the team regularly reminds listeners to “stick to jokes,” while some emailers take the proposed plan literally.

6. Emailer Feedback and Satire Backlash

Timestamps: [88:41-93:42]

• Heated exchanges with listeners who misinterpret the Greenland plan as real political advocacy.
• John clarifies (with biting sarcasm) it’s a South Park-style bit: “If anybody thought that plan...was something that is going to rally the base, you’re lost...I made plenty of...fart jokes. Julio Iglesias' finger was making tons of fart sounds.” (91:21)

7. Brady Report & Morning Fun Facts

Timestamps: [95:39-110:01]

• Random facts (dog parks, Dali’s mustache, comet tails), job rankings (nurse practitioner No.1), and America’s fakest cities (Las Vegas, Venice, Nashville).
• Orange “booty holes,” ancient penis pens, and classic Brady silliness.

8. Viral Videos, Boogers, and Hygiene

Timestamps: [110:07-118:35]

• Sharing of wild internet videos, including a woman catching fire during a backyard game, a knockout punch at a party, staged kick-fighting, an amputee woman, third-world “justice” involving public urination as punishment, and truly gross kink videos.
• Riveting discussion of nose-picking: “If you pick your nose a lot...your dirty fingers and the bacteria...linked directly to Alzheimer’s.” (77:00)
• Gross-out humor and hygiene confessions

9. Exotic Animals & The St. Louis Monkey Apocalypse

Timestamps: [120:36-134:45]

• Story: Velvet green monkeys loose in St. Louis, not accounted for by any zoo—prompting riffs on Americans keeping wild pets, how “the simulation is broken,” and dreams of a Midwest monkey plague.
• “If you have exotic pets in your backyard, it’s not cute—it’s time to call someone.”
• Digressions on Arizona lovebirds and animal attacks.

10. Rock Wars (Music Bit)

Timestamps: [134:45-149:07]

• This week’s Rock Wars: each host picks an anthem for the “new state” of Greenland meant to welcome the U.S. invasion.
  • Brett: “Nothing But a G Thang” (Dr. Dre)—as Hellcats and Carnival cruises storm Greenland
  • John: “American Idiot” (Green Day)
  • Brady: “Paradise City” (Guns N' Roses)
• Classic show confusion, penalty “Toledos” (for playing the wrong version or curse words), email votes, and in-show banter over stolen bits.
• Brett wins the week.

NOTABLE QUOTES & MEMORABLE MOMENTS

• On Surveillance Paranoia:
  “Now the TV can see me doing it... Next time you’re whacking it, just know the folks in Korea are watching.” (18:03, John)

• On Elderly Assault Claims:
  "You cannot be 82 and sexually assault anyone. I cannot feel sorry for you. Can't happen. Even the world's strongest 82 year old man, no match for any woman under the age of 50." (27:10, John)

• On Taking Over Greenland:
  “We don’t need bombs for Greenland—blacks for Greenland. ... Greenland is white. This is an easy win.” (52:19, John)

• Responding to Satire Confusion:
  “If anybody thought that plan...was something that is going to rally the base, you’re lost in your own nonsense and you need to take a step away...I made plenty of fart jokes.” (91:21, John)

• Booger Etiquette:
  “You’re a picker. I’m a picker. We’re all pickers. You can’t help it.” (77:00, John)

ADDITIONAL TIMESTAMPED HIGHLIGHTS

• Mike Tomlin Stepping Down and Emotional Press Conference:
  [12:15] John: “I watched a press conference after the Ravens game...and he came out, and I told my buddy John...he’s been crying...There’s an emotional end happening here.”

• Samsung TV “Watching” John:
  [16:56] “...I walked by the tv and...It moved. And I’m like, that's weird. And look back, and it was on the home menu, and I'm like, no, no. And I did that to the tv. I actually looked at it, waved my finger like, to Kimberly Mutumbo: ‘No, we're not doing this.’”

• Reacting to E-Mail Pushback: [91:20] John: “He hates these tarts! ... That plan wouldn’t work for MAGA because it involves paying Black people. Right? They wouldn’t do that.”

• Monkey Invasion Commentary:
  [121:33] "If Brady/slash someone has an exotic pet in their backyard, it isn't funny...It's time to call someone and have that put into a facility.”

OVERALL TONE & STYLE

The show is fast-paced and unapologetically off-the-wall, mixing pop culture, sports, social commentary, and Arizona-local humor with raunchy, irreverent banter. John’s caustic wit and deadpan delivery drive much of the conversation, with the rest of the crew chiming in for punchlines, reminders of ongoing challenges, and a little bit of fact-checking (mixed with plenty of mockery).
While satire and “just jokes” are the backbone, the show occasionally swerves into sharper social commentary—always wrapped in absurd hypotheticals and self-aware defenses.

SEGMENT GUIDE / QUICK ACCESS

• [02:17] – Weather & Global Warming
• [04:25] – Mike Tomlin and NFL Coaching Drama
• [16:25] – Samsung TV Surveillance Riff
• [25:24] – Julio Iglesias / Smokey Robinson Elder Scandal Bit
• [48:06] – Satirical Greenland Takeover Plan
• [77:00] – Nose Picking, Hygiene & Alzheimer’s
• [120:36] – Velvet Monkeys Take St. Louis
• [134:45] – Rock Wars (Music Parody Segment)
• [149:07] – Entertainment Drill & Show Wrap

For First-Time Listeners

• Expect unfiltered opinions, dark humor, and little sacred ground.
• Satire sometimes gets mistaken for sincerity—but the show’s big jokes are generally signposted.
• The in-house sports knowledge is real; the social science, less so.
• It’s Arizona-centric, but the topics veer wildly (sports, tech, elder sex scandals, exotic pets, hygiene, and geopolitics).

SUMMARY

This episode fuses NFL coaching shakeups (Mike Tomlin’s surprise exit), lampoons tech surveillance paranoia, turns sexual assault allegations against octogenarian celebrities into an extended, darkly comic bit, and presents a satirical, over-the-top scheme (complete with Hellcats and carnival cruises) to claim Greenland. Local Arizona shoutouts, hygiene overshares, and the show's reliable “fun facts” segment round out the hour, culminating with a mock musical contest. It’s classic Holmberg’s Morning Sickness: bold, brash, and never predictable.

Contact Information

Vote for next week’s "Rock Wars:" holmberg@98kupd.com
Podcast/Song Suggestions: Text 97936

[End of Summary]