Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – Rock Wars: Theme Song For Greenland, Our Soon-to-be 51st State

Air date: January 14, 2026
Episode theme: The crew compete in “Rock Wars” to pick an anthem for Greenland as it becomes America’s 51st state—debating tactics, song choices, and, in classic HMS form, provoking each other along the way.

Episode Overview

This week’s “Rock Wars” segment is driven by a tongue-in-cheek take on U.S. expansion: the team must each select a song to serve as Greenland’s theme as it (hypothetically) becomes the 51st state. Host John Holmberg, with Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo, banter about their song ideas, the ‘plans’ for Greenland’s Americanization, and rib each other with signature irreverence.

The episode is a blend of satirical geo-politics, classic radio comedy, and music nerdery—all underpinned by the HMS tradition of good-natured bickering.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Rock Wars Setup & Greenland Takeover (01:15–03:00)

• Brady, as last week’s loser, picks the topic: a “state song” for Greenland as a newly annexed state.
• Holmberg jokes about “plans” for subduing Greenland, including using cultural gentrification humor:
  • “My plan earlier today was to send over people of color and scare the Greenlandians the same way Mexico did, and the same way in the 50s, black people used to take over white neighborhoods... or military intervention. Either way, we’re taking Greenland.” (01:51–02:23)
• The new anthem should be “a welcoming song,” inviting Americans to Greenland.

2. Greenland: The Satirical Pitch (02:24–02:57)

• The hosts joke about Americanizing Greenland, highlighting casino development and turning it into the “big icy version” of Paradise City.
• Emphasis is on marketing Greenland's appeal in a tongue-in-cheek fashion, though Brady quickly admits, “Ain’t nothing up here is green.” (08:57)

3. Unexpected In-Studio Disruption (03:09–04:34)

• A Hubbard staffer enters the studio with a camera, leading to a rapid-fire, comedic rant:
  • Holmberg: “You can’t just come in here and point a camera at us. That’s not legal. I have to agree to this.” (03:10)
  • Holmberg jokes about “stealing our souls” in reference to Native American beliefs and religious freedoms, escalating the bit: “And for that, I will sue. You have that all on tape. All right, give that to him. No, no, no.” (04:02)

4. Rock Wars Song Selections & Arguments (05:36–09:32)

• Each co-host presents their song for the Greenland anthem, with playful accusations of stealing ideas and habitual “Toledo-ing” (playing unedited songs with cursing):

  Bret’s Pick:

  • Song: Dr. Dre’s “Nuthin But a G Thang”
  • Rationale: Imagines American invaders arriving on Carnival Cruises to the soundtrack of hip-hop, reflecting Holmberg’s earlier “cultural takeover” joke.
    • “This is what they are met with. Yup, this is it. When we finally invade.” (05:55)
  • Gets dinged for not providing a clean edit—“Toledoed,” with mock fines.

  John Holmberg’s Pick:

  • Song: Green Day’s “American Idiot”
  • Rationale: A biting commentary on forced Americanization.
    • “They don’t want to be Americans. But you know what? So what?” (07:07)
  • Also plays a non-clean version and gets “Toledoed.”

  Brady’s Pick:

  • Song: Guns N’ Roses’ “Paradise City”
  • Rationale: Sells the “false paradise” of Greenland post-Americanization.
    • “Let’s turn this into a fantastic town. Put a casino up, get it Americanized.” (08:26)
  • Surprisingly, doesn’t get “Toledoed.”

5. Audience and Internal Voting Chaos (10:00–14:36)

• Listenership and studio staff weigh in, with votes coming via email, text, and trivia.
• Chaos ensues around “Toledoing,” accusations of idea theft, and complaints about song selection rigor.
  • “Second Rock Wars of the year and it’s plunged into chaos. Stupid Toledo and whatever the hell Brett did. Great choices all around.” (12:07)
• Michael emails: “When you cry like a b***h you get no votes. Brady, when you pick Green Day, you get no votes...I picked that greasy Italian.”
• Final vote: Bret wins, but Holmberg demands recognition for the idea behind Bret’s choice.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On colonization strategy:
  • Holmberg: “Just show up and this is ours now. So a song for Greenland.” (04:34)
• On being filmed without consent:
  • Holmberg: “...she just came in here all Jack Ruby style and just started filming...Now I know how Sean Penn used to feel, punching paparazzi. That got out of control fast.” (04:34)
• Mocking song selection mishaps:
  • Holmberg: “Nothing credible about it. Mine’s easy...It’s Green Day. It’s American Idiot. They don’t want to be Americans. But you know what? So what?” (07:07)
  • On “Toledoing”: “If I have to hit the dump button and eat eight seconds of the song...you’re Toledo.” (07:47)
• Listener sass:
  • Michael (Listener, via email): “When you cry like a, you get no votes. Brady, when you pick Green Day, you get no votes. It’s like crying like a bitch. I picked that greasy Italian.” (11:39)
• On the false promise of the “paradise” Greenland offers:
  • Brady: “Let’s turn this into a fantastic town. Put a casino up, get it Americanized. I went with GNR, Paradise City.” (08:26)
  • Holmberg: “Ain’t nothing up here is green.” (08:57)

Important Timestamps

| Time | Segment | |-----------|--------------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:15 | Topic Introduction: Theme song for Greenland | | 01:51 | Holmberg lays out his “colonization” plan with satirical flair | | 03:09 | In-studio camera incident; hosts riff on privacy and soul-stealing | | 05:36 | Rock Wars song picks begin: Bret goes first | | 06:05 | “Toledoing” controversy starts | | 07:07 | Holmberg’s pick and more “Toledoing” | | 08:26 | Brady pitches “Paradise City” | | 10:59 | Voting recap—listeners weigh in | | 13:26 | Vote-tallying, winner announcement | | 14:30 | Show close, play-out with winning song |

Episode Tone & Takeaways

• Tone: Wildly irreverent, unapologetically chaotic, loaded with sarcasm and in-jokes. Hosts openly lampoon themselves and each other, often breaking into lighthearted rants or off-topic tangents.
• Main Takeaway: The Rock Wars segment exemplifies HMS’s unique blend of mock-competition, rapid-fire banter, and irreverent “Arizona morning show” energy. The topic—America taking Greenland—serves as grist for jokes about colonization, invasion soundtracks, and the futility of making Greenland attractive to Americans.