01-15-26 - Kitchen Trolls Reactions/Emails - New Old Lady Love Scam Involves The Promise Of Gold As We Wonder If Brady's Mom Is Dating Yet - Wondering If Silver Alerts Actually Help Find People And Why Women Are Such Small Pct Of Them

Summary

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Episode Overview

Theme:
This episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness is a comedic, wide-ranging roundtable where John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Alex, and others dig into a slew of listener emails, reactions to "kitchen trolls," the latest old lady love scam involving a promise of gold, and speculation about whether Brady’s mom might be dating. The guys riff about why Silver Alerts are almost always for old men, mix savage humor with surprising heart, and drop memorable one-liners throughout. The banter careens between affectionate roasting, disbelief at scammers, and social commentary about aging and relationships.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Listener Reactions to "Kitchen Trolls" and Food Service Romances

[01:30 - 04:15]

• Emails flood in about the phenomenon of unattractive "kitchen trolls" in restaurants romantically punching above their weight with hot hostesses and waitresses.
• John reads out stories confirming the trope: one listener married a hostess he met as a “kitchen troll” and said she only stayed because he could cook ("Food is the secret").
  • Memorable: "Trolls have powers, but those powers linger forever and ever. And those ladies never recover." – John Holmberg ([04:11])
• The group riffs on the majesty (and gross-out factor) of kitchen staff dating dynamics.
• Discussion spirals into joking lore about "troll juice" and its mystical, lingering effects.

2. Latest Old Lady Love Scam: Gold From Abroad

[05:00 - 10:45]

• John details the news of another elderly victim: a Louisiana woman tricked by a scammer posing as a Middle East soldier promising to send "gold, cash, and jewels" and extracting thousands from her.
• The scam escalated with fake diplomats and "customs fees," ultimately causing her to sell her home.
• “She went all in.” – Brady ([06:33])
• The hosts lampoon the "pot of gold" scam, questioning how anyone falls for it:
  • "What are you, Jack Sparrow on the other line?" – John ([05:54])
  • “I’d be like, you know what, I'm gonna rob her too. She’s too dumb to live.” – John ([07:10])
• They joke about how anyone, including realtors or financial advisors, would react if told the true reason for selling a house ("Doug, I have to send the money to a man who's got pots of gold and customs").

3. Affection, Companionship, and Brady's Mom's Romantic Prospects

[12:40 - 16:12]

• The guys pivot to discussing what draws older women into such scams—especially loneliness and need for affection.
• John proposes: regularly check in on older relatives for "scam signs." “If there’s a ‘for sale’ sign... ask Mom where the money’s going!” ([12:35])
• Thoroughly uncomfortable, Brady admits asking his mom (Bunny) about dating and companionship. She replied, “It is nice to have companionship.”
• John pushes further: “She wants to diddle some balls, your mom. Yes, she wants to.” ([13:27])—the statement both cracks up the room and makes Brady squirm.
• “You have to put out, Mom. Yeah, you should tell her that.” – John ([16:41])
• The wider group reflects: aging doesn’t mean stopping romantic or sexual pursuits—even if it’s uncomfortable for their kids.
• John's take: “It’s a beautiful thing when old people... find each other late in life...but if we’re not doing the gross stuff, we’re just hanging out together? Gay. I’m going gay.” ([17:36])

4. Silver Alerts: Why Always Old Men?

[26:09 - 31:42]

• Transitioning, John questions the effectiveness and gender distribution of Silver Alerts (public alerts for missing elderly adults).
• Notable observation: “You never notice. It's never old women. Old women never wander off. Silver alerts are always old men. Always.” ([30:09])
• The group jokes that men have the "explorer gene," and that maybe old men just want out—whereas their wives come to their senses and stay put.
• Stats cited: 72.5% of Silver Alerts are for men. John speculates it’s because older men are likelier to be driving.
• Wild proposals: chipping all people over 85, or creating a “pound for old people” akin to a stray animal shelter ([28:17]).
• Memory: John's family dog went missing, paralleling the discomfort and unresolved sadness of elderly people vanishing without closure.

5. Marches, Political Theater, and Cynicism

[20:50 - 26:09]

• John leans into social commentary, doubting the reality of current protest coverage in Minnesota (cold weather protests over ICE): “Nothing feels real to me anymore. And I don't know why that is. That one, I don't know. That one's crazy. It just feels so everybody distract them. There's nothing going on. And I'm like, I don't buy anything anymore.” ([24:04])
• Amused by the timing of marches (“Marches are weather related”)—he jokes the only useful protests happen in decent weather.
• Group riffs: if it’s too cold, “protest” in shopping malls or ballparks.
• Classic: “Never seen a bad weather march. Actually, never once have I ever seen...” – John ([24:47])

6. Epilogue: “Kitchen Trolls,” Wake-up Song Picks & Legacy

[39:38 - End]

• The show revisits kitchen trolls and their misunderstood powers, referencing a long-time listener who credited John’s advice for her improved romantic standards.
• John proclaims: “I’m a hero of the vagina. I think that's what I should be. Ladies, if you'd like some advice about yours, I'll help.”
• Musical picks for the outro include: Terror’s “You’re Caught,” Skid Row’s “I Remember You,” and others, loosely themed to the episode’s topics.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Trolls have powers, but those powers linger forever and ever. And those ladies never recover."
  – John Holmberg ([04:11])
• “What are you, Jack Sparrow on the other line?”
  – John Holmberg on the scammer’s promise of gold ([05:54])
• "She went all in."
  – Brady (on the scam victim selling her house, [06:33])
• “I'd be like, you know what, I'm gonna rob her too. She’s too dumb to live."
  – John ([07:10])
• “She wants to diddle some balls, your mom. Yes, she wants to.”
  – John, gently torturing Brady ([13:27])
• “It’s a beautiful thing when old people... find each other late in life...but if we’re not doing the gross stuff, we’re just hanging out together? Gay. I’m going gay.”
  – John ([17:36])
• "It's never a woman. It is never a woman. I venture to guess it's 90% men (in Silver Alerts)... The women, it's because they forgot her somewhere. She didn't leave. They forgot her somewhere."
  – John ([31:03])
• "I've kept a lot of vaginas pristine. I've often said that I am like the Native American of penises because I leave it exactly as I found it."
  – John ([40:12])

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Timestamps & Segment Highlights

• Kitchen Trolls & Email Reactions: [01:15–04:30]
• Restaurant/Scammer Story - Old Lady & Gold: [05:00–10:45]
• Checking on the Older Generation & Brady’s Mom: [12:02–17:00]
• Silver Alerts, Men vs. Women, Chipping Discussion: [26:09–31:42]
• Cynicism About News, Weather, Protests: [20:49–26:09]
• Wake-Up Song & Troll Legacy: [39:38–end]

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Tone & Language

As always, the crew blends raunchy observational humor, local Arizona color, and brotherly ribbing. No advertiser content is summarized.

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Takeaway for New Listeners

This episode is a wild mix of gallows humor, social skepticism, and classic barstool debates—unfiltered and usually hilarious, even when touching on tough topics like aging, scams, and mortality. Key: If you’re not afraid of direct talk and jokes about sex, old people, or human gullibility, you’ll find yourself laughing out loud. If you are, consider yourself warned.

Transcript

[Alex]

You're listening to the HMS Podcast, brought to you by MMP Guns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories.

[John Holmberg]

It's John Holmberg here, seeing clear as a bell, thanks to my friends at the Schwartz Laser Eye Center. Well, here we are looking at a brand new year. Can you see yourself in 2026? Can you see it all? I mean, really, maybe in 2026 you should see yourself seeing. Fix those eyes. Vision changes are gradual. You might not even know how bad it's gotten. I know. That was my story. So start the new year by seeing clearly. Visit Dr. Jay Schwartz and his team, Schwartz Laser Eye Center, 480-483-Eyes Schwartz Laser Eye center, the official eye center for your Diamondbacks and sons.

[Michael]

This is Michael with Restore My Civil Rights. It's still over 110 degrees outside and the political climate is just as hot. If you've lost your right to possess a firearm due to a criminal conviction, we can help at Restore My Civil Rights. We help Arizonans restore all of their rights because constitutional rights shouldn't depend on the next election results. To book a free consultation, call 855-gun- rights or visit restoremycivil rights.com today. That's restore my civil rights.com.

[Brady]

Where are the men in this country? Where are the men in this world?

[John Holmberg]

What the hell have we become? They're pregnant. Alex. Yeah, I got a couple of people who have emailed and said, you realize that that argument happened.

[Alex]

No, no, no, no.

[John Holmberg]

I'm not going to read any more of that. I'm not entertaining any more of the can men get pregnant talks. If that makes me politically crazy, I guess it does, but I'm not. I won't. I won't have that discussion. If you're going to try to defend it or say this is why. I don't know why it's happening. We pay like, you know, all your taxes are going to start getting done here in a few weeks. You just got to realize, my God, if you're going to complain about that hours on end, I just don't care anymore. I can't. If you do, you're crazy. Got a lot of emails from trolls, though. Guys who have worked kitchens and remember, trolls were the ones that lived under the bridges that were dirty but had some wizard power. They were like the. They were kind of, I guess, what you call low key wizards, right? They were not wizards, but they were magi. They had some magics, but they could do it. Hot waitresses. That was their main power. This guy Says when I was 21, going to night school, I was the beneficiary of many waitresses troll slumming. I was a cook at Luby's. Is Luby still a thing? They're gone, right? Yeah, Yeah, I think they're gone. Wasn't Luby's the one where the cooks just slopped out massive amounts of food and put it in a line like.

[Alex]

Yeah, I thought it was like a buffet. Yeah, that's it.

[John Holmberg]

Ker eventually ended up marrying one of the hostesses that dirtied themselves with me. I'll just say this. I am definitely punching above my weight class. 35 years later, she still says that if I wasn't such a great cook, she never would have given me the time of day. You're still married to the hostess from Louvies food, John. Food is the secret. I don't know about the Louvy's food.

[Alex]

Only in Texas now, I think.

[John Holmberg]

Luby's food's not a secret. It's a. It should be a secret. It should be kept secret if you ever had any.

[Brady]

Never went to a Looby's.

[John Holmberg]

I could possibly go to a Looby's. That's a crazy talk. You have to get up from your table and wander over where everybody else's hands were at. The Luby's might have been the one that started it. There was a Looby's by on Price in Southern. I remember.

[Alex]

Oh, it was a furs too.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. My friend Mark used to love that place. We'd ride our bikes over there and I just kind of wait the waitress come over.

[Susan]

Can I get you a drink?

[John Holmberg]

The Coke. All right. Food's over there. Like, what's your job to just get me a car now? I do all the work now. This one says John. When I was 17, I got a job as a busboy at La Pinata on 19th Avenue in Osborne. I was there for six months. But the stuff you're saying about hot waitresses and hostesses banging kitchen trolls is spot on. There was one that looked exactly like Beverly d'. Angelo, and all the dudes simped over her. It was a shocker to all of us when the goddamn dishwasher was hitting it. I don't know how they do it, but they managed to get the hot ones. Yeah, trolls have powers, but those powers linger forever and ever. And those ladies never recover.

[Alex]

It's a troll seed. The gift that keeps on giving.

[John Holmberg]

It is. It stays with you forever. Scott Haynes says, congratulations. That story made me realize your Mouth made a girl dry and regrow her hymen. That's hard to do. That is true, I did. But I gave her back to society a little better. And then free of troll juice. Troll juice? You take troll juice. You have to. I think there's like a five year. You can't have sex with anyone else because every time that stimulated the troll juice grows again and starts that five year window over. It's out of the system even. Yeah, it's got to clear the system. It's five years in quarantine. So gross. You know, on the age thing, I also saw last night on the news news that the another fake soldier has wooed an old lady out of all of her money and house and stuff. And I was like, oh, this is tragic. Until I I was told by the news people what his first move was that wooed her and got her which was he said he was going to send her gold to pay her bills. And she waited for that to happen. With the promise of gold. He offered to pay her bills and RV payments which had gotten a little behind. He was gonna send her a package of golden cash and jewels for their future. What are you, Jack Sparrow on the other line says when the package never arrives, Susan received messages from someone claiming to be a US diplomat who needed money to get the package of gold through customs. So she sent him twelve hundred dollars. Gotta get that gold as she goes. It felt real. It felt like he was being honest. I didn't feel like it was fake. Cause you know, offers of gold and frankincense and myrrh, pretty real. Says the request for money continued with repeated claims about customs problems. She eventually convinced, she was convinced to sell her four bedroom house to access more funds to get that gold in the mail.

[Brady]

She went all in.

[John Holmberg]

How about you get in that RV of yours that you're late on payments with and drive to where the gold is?

[Brady]

Easy.

[John Holmberg]

Can't be that far. She sent another 8,000, then 55, then 61. And then realized, hey, this might be a scam. You think she told her financial advisor about her money? That guy's fired. And then he got in on the gold and then he's like, oh yeah, look, if I was a financial advisor and I'm on the up and up.

[Susan]

And a lady goes, I sold my house, John.

[John Holmberg]

For what?

[Susan]

Well, I've got gold coming in and I have to pay for that to get through customs.

[John Holmberg]

I'd be like, you know what, I'm gonna rob her too. She's too dumb to live you're right.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

You know what? I can get that through customs. You give me five grand right now, and I'll get that all buttoned up.

[Alex]

You imagine calling Jeff and telling him.

[John Holmberg]

That, hey, I got a. A lady I'm fairly interested in. She lives in Louisiana. She said she's gonna send me some gold and some jewels, but I can't get that unless custom, so I need to clear up some of my stock investments and fire that over to her. So. And he would be immediately like, no, or he's in on it.

[Alex]

That's true, too.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. It says they create a world that people 100% believe is going to happen. They sell their homes and wire money to someone they've never met. How in the world does this keep happening? And they put it out on the news last night. It's a warning. If you need warnings that somebody's trying to send you a pot of gold, it's a leprechaun. Always just go, you know what? Let me shake hands with you before I sell my house. Let me just. I like to shake hands with someone before I sell my house. I shook hands with the guy at Lifted Trucks. We made a deal. Good on you. Nice to meet you. Before the money got exchanged, we had a handshake. That's a deal I have when I'm dealing with loads and loads of money. Handshakes face to face. I see the product I'm buying.

[Brady]

At least that's still binding in a way.

[John Holmberg]

I don't even care if it's legally binding. I just know that I'm not even going to be in a situation where it's like, well, I should sell my house to this guy I've never met because he's got a bucket of gold. He's a pot of gold. He's. He lives at the bottom of a rainbow, and he's helping me out.

[Alex]

Is he Lucky Charms or what?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Yeah, it's lucky. Never ending supply of cereal and gold. And where is anyone in her life to say, why are you selling your house? The real estate agent, even Doug Hopkins, would go over and go, wait a minute. You want what?

[Susan]

I just need cash for my home.

[John Holmberg]

And he normally is like, whatever you need to do, do it. But if. If she even uttered the words to.

[Susan]

Doug, I have to send the money to a man who's got pots of gold and customs.

[John Holmberg]

Doug would be like, I'm not doing this one. I'm gonna walk away from this. It's just not adding up. But may.

[Brady]

Would.

[John Holmberg]

I would. You know what? She's this dumb. I'm just going to sell her house. You got to be the dumbest person alive for that. No one I don't remember how. Not young.

[Alex]

You know, she took troll seed back in the day.

[John Holmberg]

You know what, Brett? I bet you're right. I bet you're right. I think that's.

[Brady]

That's what lured it in second time.

[John Holmberg]

That's even better for what I did to that poor lady. See, it says mace wanted. She's 69, all right?

[Susan]

I want to only be identified as Susan.

[John Holmberg]

She said on the news she didn't give her real name. The guy was stationed in the Middle east, in the military, and had all this gold he'd found at Saddam's palace. He was gonna fire it over to this lady he'd never met before. That makes sense. And she's like, I'll sell my house.

[Susan]

I'll get it through customs.

[John Holmberg]

And you know what really got her? And this is the sad part, she.

[Brady]

Kept it to herself the whole time.

[John Holmberg]

She sold her house.

[Susan]

No one knew why I got gold coming in.

[John Holmberg]

Like, all right, Mom's lost. She said that what really got her was he would call her, like, babe and honey and sweetie and stuff, and it just touched her heart.

[Susan]

Like, he used love names.

[Brady]

Oh.

[John Holmberg]

And this is the danger, ladies of the. You know, keeping too tight a grip on that thing. And if you're. If you're mad at men and you haven't, like, let loose with it. Not with trolls, but let loose with it every once in a while, if you realize it's like, Jesus, been, like, six years since anybody's even touched it. Go out there and get buried once. What? 98. No way. Holmberg's morning sickness reset. Because your brain fog kicks in when you start. When you wait. There was a girl that was on the news the other day talking about how I actually talked to somebody at the Suns game the other night who's announced I'm celibate to people. And it caught our ear. We're like, what? I've chosen to be celibate. The next man I'm with will be the one. Like, it's way too much pressure.

[Brady]

Like Khloe Kardashian.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's way too much pressure on the vagina and on your emotions, because eventually you're going to start getting desperate. The bar is going to lower. You're going to marry a troll. You're going to be like, I should have just gotten pounded, because you're going to get brain fog. What'd she look like, she was cute, she was decent.

[Alex]

So it was by choice.

[John Holmberg]

She's choosing to not do it. Right.

[Alex]

That's what I'm saying.

[John Holmberg]

She's not celibate. Because, you know, I didn't see any bruises from the ten foot poles the guys were hitting her with to keep her away. Yeah, she. But she said something about it. We're like, huh. I've chosen to do that because I want the next man to be the one. Well, that's too much pressure on the next man. And you. It was weird, but yeah. So if you're. Again, maybe good time to ask Grandma or Mom, whatever. Anybody over the age about 67 that's been living by herself is on the computer a little more than she should be. Hey, mom, what's going on? If there's a for sale sign in the front yard or she sees the Doug Hopkins commercials and goes, that's something I should do. Like, wait a second, where's this money gonna go?

[Susan]

There's a man I met in Saudi Arabia online.

[John Holmberg]

All right, I'm taking your computer privileges away. Mom, that's enough. You're done.

[Susan]

But I love him and he loves me. He calls me sweetheart.

[Brady]

I gotta check in with Bunny today.

[John Holmberg]

Just text Bunny. She's been alone for a couple years.

[Brady]

Are there any suitors in your life?

[John Holmberg]

You got anybody online you're chatting with? Just check in with Mom. It's time to toss mom cell. Not that cell.

[Brady]

I did ask her about it on the.

[John Holmberg]

She's dating.

[Brady]

I said, are you? You know, you want to get back into the dating scene or anything? She's like, no, not really. But it is nice to have companionship.

[John Holmberg]

She wants to diddle some balls, your mom. Yes, she wants to.

[Brady]

I go.

[John Holmberg]

Because if you're gonna ask the questions, you need to accept it.

[Brady]

Going out with someone. But they're just.

[John Holmberg]

No, they're not. It's companionship, Brady.

[Brady]

Because I even talked. Because she was, well, being naive. She's like, I'm.

[John Holmberg]

You don't want to face what's actually happening there. Done that you can get companionship from each other.

[Brady]

I told her it's not going to last long.

[John Holmberg]

Bunny and that woman that's got companionship can get companionship from each other. She wants a man's companionship because everyone so much, she wants to fiddle some balls.

[Brady]

It's different.

[John Holmberg]

It is different.

[Brady]

I wonder if that's what that means.

[John Holmberg]

Of course that's what it means. They don't. Jesus Christ. Take them off. You think the old man's in it for companionship.

[Brady]

No, I don't think so.

[John Holmberg]

He wants a ca. Even though it doesn't work anymore, he wants his balls juggled. Still a man. They invented Viagra for a reason.

[Alex]

Who's that? Who's that? Old brother was with Douglas in Ohio.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, Douglas the caretaker. That's hammering your Alzheimer's friend. That's happening. Your mom wants some companions. Basically. She said it would be nice to juggle these nuts. She didn't say that that way. But that's what all old women want, a man in their life for that. And I talked to a lady who was married for 35 years and got divorced. And one of the things she was real excited about was that she went on her first date in 40 years and made out with the guy in the back of a car. She's like 60 plus. And when I got done throwing up, I'm like, good for you. Good for you. That's great. Then you realize they're after that too. Your mom wants to. And some old man's gonna try to kiss her. If she's wanting companionship, he's not gonna sit there and go, let's just be friends and do crosswords and wordle. Then she should get that. You don't wanna see your mom go out, you know, on a zero streak. But yeah, that's what.

[Brady]

She's very happy. She's really happy.

[John Holmberg]

She's very happy. But she. She threw the first hint at you. She could use some nuts in her life. And you should want that for your mother. She's an adult. Sure would be nice to have some companionship, a woman her age. You know what that means? It's time to get dicked down.

[Susan]

I love to feel that veiny throbbing.

[John Holmberg]

In my hands, but that was the subtext of companionship would be nice. She would love that. And that's not an insult to your father or anyone else. It's just hard for the kids to hear. But I'm not one of the kids. I know what she meant. So keep an eye on her. She might be online getting companionship and waiting for gold chips.

[Brady]

Well, she was talking about. I'm like, that's just teasing the guy. That's not fair to the guy.

[John Holmberg]

You got to put out, mom. Yeah, you should tell her that.

[Alex]

Text her right now.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, she's blue balling an old man who's got, you know, 80 milligrams of Viagra flowing through his. His body. Working hard to keep that thing up. Yeah. Check her computer. Well, I'm proud, Brady. You got really Uncomfortable. The room changed when you said that. But when your mom said she needed. And you believe that your aunt.

[Brady]

She didn't need it.

[John Holmberg]

You think she said it would be nice to have companionship?

[Brady]

Yeah, she thinks about that every now and then.

[John Holmberg]

I bet she does. And her. And her friend, the Luann that you mentioned.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And she's got a sister. She's got a guy. She's dating.

[Brady]

A companion.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. Come on, man. Luann took it. And the guy's not interested for talking. You don't want to. Who wants to talk to an old lady every day?

[Brady]

Oh, they like to hang out.

[John Holmberg]

That's right, they do. See if you can bring this thing back to life, Conjurer. I'll try. It's a. It's a beautiful thing when old people. It's gross to think about, but it's a beautiful thing when they find each other late in life. We don't have sex. You're in it for talking to her. You should have been gay. If I can't get. If I'm 80 and alone and can't get wood anymore and I'm looking for companionship. Gay. I'm going gay. If we're not do. If we're not doing the gross stuff, we're just hanging out together. Why would I want to be with some old lady and all of her problems and she shouldn't want to be with me and mine. I don't want to listen to your opinions. Crazy talk. Couple of dudes watching football together. Look at each other. It's nice having you around Brett. And maybe hold hands with him. But that would be as far as it goes. I can't get wood. Neither can you. This is a perfect relationship. You're a big fan of the Steelers. Who am I?

[Susan]

What's on team? Let's watch something else. You're always about spl.

[John Holmberg]

Jesus Christ. I. What did I do?

[Alex]

If I gotta watch Matlock one more time.

[John Holmberg]

Getting blown. What am I doing? New term. Dry hump. You have no idea what dry humping is until you're with an 80 year old woman. It's like having sex. Big surf beach. I'm sorry, Birdie. I didn't mean to bring this up for you.

[Brady]

This hurts.

[John Holmberg]

It doesn't hurt. I know it doesn't hurt, but it's uncomfortable to realize your mom's yearning. Nobody likes to see their mother yearning. Yearning for a big one probably too, because she's not. She's not thinking small.

[Brady]

Be careful with your scams.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, just be careful online. At least make it real. Said literally. John. This just happened to my mother in law two months ago. She lost her home and is living with us now. Lost her husband two years ago. These old ladies just want a man to love. That's right. Check their computers.

[Alex]

Just rent one for the evening.

[Brady]

Yeah. Hey, how about that?

[John Holmberg]

Rent one of those gigolos. That'll do anything.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And send it over to mom's house. She'll be blown away.

[Alex]

And she'll be blown away.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Oh, she probably will, Says John. I don't care how long it's been since it's been used. No taints worth that. I don't know what that means, but that's gross. Talking about Brady's mother there.

[Brady]

He's.

[John Holmberg]

Son of a. Yeah. I don't want to. I don't want to bring it up for everybody's mom, but it's true. Is it me again? I go back. All these emails coming in about it is we are in the red herring age because I just got another email about the thing in Minnesota where the guy was hitting the ice agent with a shovel. Okay. Does anybody. Am I getting too conspiratorial with everything that I don't even believe this might. This. This may not even be happening. For real. That there's billions of dollars.

[Brady]

Something else is going on.

[John Holmberg]

A week and a half ago, everybody was mad at Minnesota for something else. And now this goes on and now we're all talking about that and nobody knows. But it's all in the same exact spot all the time. I'm gonna turn. Alex Jones. I think you're crisis actors. I think this is happening. And it just so happens that the people that get hurt always have some political agenda before and they've got pictures of them doing something awful. So each side can play the game and there's no real resolution to it. What? 98. No way. Homeberg's morning sickness people.

[Brady]

Well, the resolution for the one side is to just stop ice altogether.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but it's like one degree outside right now in Minnesota. Who's protesting? Why is ice standing outside? There's no Mexicans right now running around out there. They're indoors. They're kids and trolling. Yeah, they're. Yeah, they're doing their gigs. That doesn't make sense to me that they would. That anybody be standing outside. It all seems like both. They're all wearing. It's like a play. It's too cold to protest. Nobody's ever protested. Whoops.

[Brady]

Sorry.

[John Holmberg]

Nobody's ever like you never real. Martin. Luther King was fighting for rights, like real important ones. He did it in the April. It was nice out. Nobody marches in the snow, which potentially could.

[Brady]

Is the diversion for the Somali thing that's going on.

[John Holmberg]

I mean, they have really. They have scandals going all over the place. And suddenly now everybody wants to be in the snow protesting. Both sides are out. Why go in? Everybody goes inside, gets warm, ice, doesn't even need to stand up. Just go inside for a minute. It's like it's too cold. I just, I'm struggling to believe that anybody organized protests in the snow. If it was like in the Mall of America, that big mall in Minnesota. Yeah.

[Brady]

Security way too tight, too cold.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. The mall can stop this. Like you're not coming in here. How come everybody else can't? Nothing feels real to me anymore. And I don't know why that is. That one, I don't know. That one's crazy. It just feels so everybody distract them. There's nothing going on. And I'm like, I don't buy anything anymore. Something's wrong with me. I kind of lost my mind. I know for a fact that when we, remember when we had the. We weren't worried too much about the marches because it was too hot out. They did them at night.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

It was the. The rights were the convenience for the rights of what went on five years ago here. They did all the marches at night because it was too hot. They find a good time for weather. Marches are weather related.

[Alex]

When they ransacked places, they went in.

[John Holmberg]

The mall, they went indoors. It was air conditioned ransack. Nobody, no one cares enough about a topic to march in bad weather. I've never seen it ever. All the marches happen in late spring, early summer in the east. And if they ever happen here, it's. They, the gays don't even celebrate pride month here because it's too hot. They do it in October.

[Brady]

I wonder how many have been called off back a week.

[John Holmberg]

Nobody's coming. You can't tell me any of this is real. When I see this, the landscape of Minnesota right now and it's just snow packed. There's snow everywhere. Everybody's all bundled up. Show your face like you're all in scarves.

[Alex]

That's like you said. I mean they, you know, when they do their pride marches here, Pride weeks in the middle of summer.

[John Holmberg]

They don't do it until October, Matt. They're not that proud of it in June. If you're supposed to like celebrate, it's. It's too hot to be proud of this. We'll do it in October.

[Alex]

I'm not that proud to march in 115 degrees of anything.

[John Holmberg]

Maybe it's anything I don't have in June.

[Brady]

It's in the closet.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, then they should march in the malls in June and like we're going to take over Fashion Square for the day and just have a pro. That makes sense.

[Brady]

A couple of the ballparks.

[John Holmberg]

Bad weather. Never seen a bad weather march. Actually never once have I ever seen like, well, planet. If you even said it, like we're going to have a big rally in December or something bad happens and you're like, ah. You go indoors. You're like, what he did here.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Something might trigger a march, but you're doing it in a mall. Nothing, nothing about it feels right. There's. It's not passing the smell test to me. Something's off and we're all sucked in. I'm sucked in too. Something ain't right. You guys should probably go out. Look at all the people standing outside, protest like, no, it's cold. It would make sense if they had like cocoa or like a. Somebody has to bring us. I would do that if I lived in Minnesota. Man, can you imagine the money you'd make? Set up a little stand on the side of the road, hot chocolate and coffee and sell it for a buck.

[Alex]

You get more than that.

[John Holmberg]

You think you Screw that. A dollar was freezing. Yeah. Surge five bucks. I just don't believe anybody. I don't believe anybody cares about a topic that we can do it again in a couple months. We're going to really get on it in a couple months. I don't think if you care that much to get all dressed up and put the ski cap on and the scarf. It's like, Jesus, if you have to take a scarf off because your. Your message is muffled. I just don't buy it.

[Alex]

When you dress like Randy from A Christmas Story, it's too cold.

[John Holmberg]

Because there's a moment when you're standing in the cold. Even though, even if for a good cause you're gonna look at somebody and go, we gotta go home. Reason. Your chance don't make. It's just crazy. Everything just seems off. I don't think anything's right anymore. And then I see the story. They found Brett. I was thinking about you. They found a body on a construction site over there. McKellipson something. It was a. There's a 91 year old man that's been missing since early January in the area. And I'm like, all right, that's him. And then you start doing like the mortality thoughts of man. He made it to 91 and just wandered off.

[Brady]

You know, the last two.

[John Holmberg]

Months or last year, 13 days.

[Brady]

Thirteen days?

[John Holmberg]

No, like a stray dog just wandered off. And just like a stray dog in the neighborhood, everybody put up posters. Have you seen him? How do you even at 90. He just disappeared. 91. Just wander around for a couple. Where did he go? Somebody had to hang on to him for a day or two. It's like when a dog gets, oh, he's outside, he's all, he's old. And you take him in for a couple days and you, you check online and then, well, we can't keep him and you let him out again. It's like we just. I don't. There's no pound for old men.

[Brady]

Maybe he was only out for a couple hours during the day.

[John Holmberg]

Where's he going?

[Brady]

Found an area. He just would sleep all day.

[John Holmberg]

Where'd he go? And he disappeared. Like it had to be in the dark of night when everyone was asleep because he had to have like a four hour head start. 91 year olds don't get away. He had to have a huge head start.

[Brady]

Gotta be cold.

[John Holmberg]

I have to think he wanted to leave. You know Alzheimer's guys get lost and then they find him a couple days later like on a bus bench or somebody goes, hey, who's, who's this? This old man's been out here for a couple days. Or they talk to someone and they're not making any sense and they're filthy and like, oh, everybody sees it. But then you realize that that could happen to you. You're 91 and then something just jumps into your brain. 11:00 night, you're like, gotta go wandering. And then you just take off and nobody knows when and where. Just horrible.

[Brady]

Yeah. You wouldn't stumble upon anybody. I would say, well, let's check the area if there's any missing reports or.

[John Holmberg]

I mean you're not gonna shuffle for long. It's not like you had, you know, good cardio. He had to stop somewhere. There's that old guy, there's that old man. Wasn't he wearing that yesterday? Yeah. And then if I ever see posters of a 91 year old man missing, it is, it's like a stray dog. Which makes me think we need to have a pound for old people. And people get upset at this idea, but we're losing. We have to get rid of the silver alert. We just have like, you Know, dog catchers have double duty that I don't want to get too involved. If I see an old man scuffling around and be like, hey, there's got to be a hotline, like a 511 or something. You go, there's an old man that's scuffling around up front. I'm not sure I don't want to get involved. And then they come by and they put that hoop over his head and they stuff him in one of the things in the back and take them to the pound. Maybe we should chip old people. We've already got those metalert bracelets. It's not a bad idea because it's so sad to think that you wake up. Can you imagine waking up and pop pop wasn't there anymore? Where'd he go?

[Brady]

85. Mandatory chip.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you get chipped at if you're going to last that long. We got to chip you at 85. Because any minute now, you might just start wandering around getting some car, hop on a bus.

[Brady]

I mean, you know, the phone has done that for a lot. Have helped a lot of people on that.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, sure, track them. But if he just left his phone because he's not thinking, he just scoots away. You got to get a chip. And grandpa don't have a watch on. Yeah, you got to get grandma away from the computer because she's trying to get loads of gold over from Saudi Arabia and grandpa needs a chip. You know what? You never notice. It's never old women. Old women never wander off. Silver alerts are always old men. Always.

[Brady]

We're explorers.

[John Holmberg]

I can't go back to it. Maybe that's it. Maybe that's true. I don't know. It's a weird thing, a silver alert. And I'm like, all right, it's a guy every time, and I think he just wants out.

[Brady]

The hunter gatherer.

[John Holmberg]

Maybe years. There's a certain part of your brain that just says, you need to get the F out of here. Women don't do it. You never have. Old women never wander off. Old men do. Like they remember something they forgot, like, ah, going over to that girl's house. Like, they just start walking. Silver alert today for his name is Kirk Johnson. 88 years old. Never like that. Isabel something or other. Old ladies, they just. They stop. I think they come to their senses even if they're all messed up. But you got to keep an eye on it. That's the future.

[Brady]

Think about it. It's rarely. The silver alerts are rarely.

[John Holmberg]

It's never a woman. It is never a woman. I venture to guess it's 90% men. And in the 1% or 10% that it's women, it's like, oh, that's right, we left her at the Dollar General. She didn't leave. They forgot her somewhere. 98. What? 98. Holmberg's morning sickness. So that's your future, Brady. Gotta watch that. Just wandering off.

[Brady]

I might chip get chipped today.

[John Holmberg]

Would you rather just sit in the house and die or just. Yeah, it's not a bad idea to get chipped. I think that's pretty good. And I know everybody. The government will trace you.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

At least they'll know where I am when I have that moment where I'm like, well, that's it. See you again. Somebody hear a door shut? It's 2 in the morning. You should check on your dad. He's not going anywhere. Oops.

[Brady]

You know, at the same time, maybe at that age when, you know, this guy was like wandering off. Doesn't sound too bad.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's what I think happens. I think, you know the way the.

[Brady]

Ones that just head out to the desert.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

You're talking about, they find them and.

[John Holmberg]

Like they dig dens. It's like when a dog's done. They dig their death den and they just lay in it in the mid.

[Brady]

You know, in the Midwest and there's some homes there they. They find the basement and crawl space.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, they get. They find holes. Old people. The dogs and cats are talking. Not necessarily. Old people don't find your crawl space and get in there.

[Brady]

Somehow they find it accidentally.

[John Holmberg]

I fell in the crawl space. Yeah. It's just that Silver Alert is all men. And it makes me worry as I age that that'll be my fate. All of this life you live and the one thing is like, well, how did he go? I don't know. He wandered off like what? You don't know what happens. We had one dog in my whole life named Clea. And Cleo was crazy. It was my sister's dog. And she got divorced and moved back in with the family and brought Clea, the crazy dog. And Clea got loose and we spent days looking for her. Days and days and days. Still don't know what happened to her. And still sometimes it bothers me because she lived this long life. It wasn't that easy. She wasn't nice. She was my sister's dog. So she took after my sister. It's a real C word of a dog. And I don't say that about any dogs. But I still liked her. And we don't know what happened to her. The ending is unknown. Missing for days. And it's just gone from our lives. Imagine that now as grandpa. What was the last thing? I don't know. We had dinner. He stared at the tv, Said something about the ceiling fan. We picked him up, put him in bed and then he was gone the next week. Abducted. That's what I would say. He was abducted. Aliens are the only one it says. Enough about wandering dads. Toledo's getting sad. That's true, Rand. I'm sorry. Toledo's never going to experience dad wandering off. Well, actually he did very early. Yeah, Toledo's dad went on Walk about 55 years ago. Still haven't found him. Anyway, that was the news last night. Everything was weird. And if anybody puts a silver a lot. The silver alerts ever work. Were good news at the end. We found them, everything's fine. Most of the time it's not good.

[Brady]

I think they follow up most of the time.

[John Holmberg]

I don't think we get good news with silver alert discoveries. Silver alert. He's been gone for four days. Like, ain't coming back. Brace yourselves. Family. And it's sad, but I never want to be a poster that says missing. I think that's my biggest, second biggest fear to burning to death is missing. And then just a picture of my. My dead eyes staring off into space. Nobody's going to look for you. Have you ever looked for a silver alert? Even if it's in your area, like, you might poke your head out the window like, no, I'm not getting out there for this cold.

[Brady]

You know, if they list the type of car every once in a while. Oh, there's one. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

You'll listen.

[Alex]

There's a lot of Oldsmobile or something. It's like, all right, there's plenty of those around me. I'm out.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. The last thing I want to do, I was with William Shatner, for God's sakes. You don't want to touch a person in their 90s. They're fragile. They're like mummy dust. He gets sued if you grab the wrong old person. Go, all right, you're coming with me. What's happening? You're missing, aren't you? No. And then you get in court and like. Well, there was a silver alert. They all look exactly alike. They look like little tiny babies dipped in oil.

[Alex]

Silver alerts, they're usually on the freeway on those signs.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Alex]

How come we got nailed at five in the morning with the turquoise alert, you know, a couple months back. Remember that one?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. When that.

[Alex]

Whenever the phone went off at 5, 4, 5 in the morning.

[John Holmberg]

That was a native girl or something, right? I don't remember how that happened, but some guy sent me to think. 72.5% of Silver Alerts are men compared to 37.9 being women. Now I want to know. Oh, it says the disparity is linked to the fact that missing men are more likely than women to be driving, which is a common factor in Silver Alert activations. That old men drive places and old women don't. Is that real? I guess statistically, that's probably accurate. On foot, where the women walk, a.

[Brady]

Lot of times they run to the desert.

[John Holmberg]

All right. In a weird way. Yeah. That's just a fear of mine. I don't want to have that. I'm gonna keep. I'm gonna. You know, I'm gonna chip trip today. I'm gonna. What are you doing, Tripp? I just wanted to say hi. Are we hugging? Yeah. I'm gonna give you a hug. Oh, well, this is not. Ow. Wow, my neck. Don't worry about it. Did you just plan to trip in me? I did. I care about you. Well, that's good. Thank you. Can you imagine just seeing Tripp walking down the street? My grandpa did it. He had Alzheimer's, and we found out that way. He would leave the house and stand in the road and then look around and be like, what am I doing? I was at Home Depot with him once when he had the early stages, and we aren't we. Nobody was sure. We went to Home Depot and he just turned around and I'm like, bill. And he started walking away. Bill didn't know, just ski daddled. And he's standing in the Home Depot parking lot looking around. He goes, where are we? I'm like, are you okay? And I was too dumb to get him to a doctor or anything.

[Brady]

There's at least four people in our family that have my aunt. Oh. And her mind's not all there. They all have her phone location.

[John Holmberg]

She's the one juggling the nuts right now. Yep, yep. She's okay. She's just getting like.

[Brady]

They check her phone, you know, to see she's at home, but every once in a while, she didn't grab her phone. It's our own little in house Silver Alert.

[John Holmberg]

She's got Luann.

[Alex]

It's not the one with the cans, is it?

[John Holmberg]

Is Luann the cans?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my God. She was the one that showed her Nephews the cans. And now she's getting old lady nuts juggled in her face. And she's got her brain fog. You guys are not nice to a Luanne.

[Brady]

The Lance Living large.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, sounds like it. Getting her face better.

[Brady]

Naples right now.

[John Holmberg]

Walking.

[Brady]

I hope not.

[John Holmberg]

Wait. They're taking brain fog to Naples with her new boyfriend.

[Brady]

No, he's not going.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, he doesn't go with her.

[Brady]

I don't think. I don't think she has a.

[John Holmberg]

You brought it up. You said she's got a companion for. They broke up.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

It was too small. Couldn't get it up. Something bad. Yeah.

[Brady]

Didn't last long.

[John Holmberg]

He got tired of her too.

[Brady]

Premature all the time or.

[John Holmberg]

Can't. Did her cans hold up? Did she. Because you liked them. You said. I remember the grossest phrase about when your aunt showed you her cans. You said she had a nice figure. That stood out in my mind. She had a nice figure. She got in the hot tub with us, took her top off. Oh my God.

[Brady]

Exercised.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Did she keep them together? Did she upgrade them later in life?

[Brady]

I think so.

[John Holmberg]

You know so.

[Brady]

Well while she had to one she had cancer.

[John Holmberg]

So she added a new one. So she's got so those things.

[Brady]

She went 90 unicorn for a little bit, had one lopped off and then had to wait for the part to come in.

[John Holmberg]

You've been. You've been in touch with those breasts your entire life. It's frightening. Anyway, Brett, what do you got on the big board of musical treats for I wander off.

[Alex]

I got nothing. All right. Wake up. Song time. And we got some good ones up here. A lot of it having to do with the kitchen trolls and the 50 year old. 50 year old.

[John Holmberg]

The lady I saved.

[Alex]

Yes. Naughty by nature. OPP for kitchen trolls. Hell yeah. Reckless Eden for Sanjay.

[John Holmberg]

There you go.

[Alex]

Velvet revolver. Motionless and white. Immaculate Misconception. Metallica. Corn Stone Source Chevelle Shined down America Burning Lamb of God. Skid row. I remember you for the troll.

[John Holmberg]

Somebody keeps putting skid rows. I remember you into things. This is like the fourth time in two weeks.

[Alex]

I know.

[John Holmberg]

I remember you. No one wants to hear that.

[Alex]

And then terror. You're caught for the 53 year old that caught the hundred millionaire or whatever that's.

[John Holmberg]

That's an impressive graph. We still haven't seen photos of friends of Brandon but 53 dating a 24 year old family money. We'll do some terror because your caught is right. That's got to be pristine. And it's because of me. According to her, even she's moving to Texas and had to tell me before she moved. You changed my life. I treat my genitals differently because of words you said back in 1994. That's pretty powerful right there. Changing lives. I should have a poster. Some saving vaginas. Since 1994, I've kept a lot of vaginas pristine. I've often said that I am like the Native American of penises because I leave it exactly as I found it. Nothing's gonna get damaged. Nothing changes. Everything stays the same. Can't hurt it. Can't stretch it, can't ruin it. I take memories. I leave only footprints. And you can vacuum those out. It's Terror. I'm a hero of the vagina. I think. I think that's what I should be. Ladies, if you'd like some advice about yours, I'll help. I can fix that RV sandwich for you. It's Terror. You're caught. It's 98 Terror's most powerful rocket station. It's out of control now. 98K, you PD.