01-16-26 - Emailer Admits Statute Of Limitations Is Up Today On The 120k He Stole - The Money Parents Spend On Kids' Sports Hoping They'll Go Pro

Summary

Podcast Summary: Holmberg's Morning Sickness (Arizona)

Episode Title: 01-16-26 - Emailer Admits Statute Of Limitations Is Up Today On The 120k He Stole - The Money Parents Spend On Kids' Sports Hoping They'll Go Pro
Air Date: January 16, 2026
Hosts: John Holmberg (A), Brady Bogen (B), Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo

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Episode Overview

The episode dives into themes of morality, theft, and self-justification, triggered by an email confession from a listener who admits to stealing $120,000 and now being in the clear due to the statute of limitations. From this revelation, the crew debates the ethics of “found money”, shares personal stories of moral gray areas, and discusses the staggering costs – and dreams – surrounding youth sports as parents hope for future professional stardom for their kids. The tone is humorous, sharply observational, a little raw, and full of banter, with the hosts frequently poking fun at themselves and others.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Listener Confession: Statute of Limitations on a Major Theft

• [00:00–02:38]
• Holmberg shares an email from “K.J.” who, now beyond the statute of limitations, confesses to stealing $120,000, claiming, “Dreams come true and crime does pay. I’ll try to give more details later. I just wanted to get this off my chest.”
  • Quote: "God damn, that's right. I have stored the money in a very safe place and can now brag that I got away with it." – (K.J./read by John Holmberg, 00:38)
• The crew jokes about the identity of K.J. (Kevin Johnson?) and muses on state statutes, with Holmberg noting, “if it's 11 years like he says, he got away with it. So congratulations. In a way, I'm proud of you.”
• They debate the wisdom (or recklessness) of now bragging about the crime.

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2. Personal Stories: Justifying ‘Found’ Money

• [02:38–14:55]
• Brady confesses finding $50 cash during a dog training at a retail store. After discussion with the trainer (Carlos), he kept it, feeling it unjust to hand it to staff he deemed untrustworthy.
• The hosts dissect Brady's logic, pointing out how easy it is to rationalize such behavior:
  • Quote: “You did an immoral finders keepers weighs on you a little bit. Because it's wrong. You should have turned it in. But more than likely, you looked at the employees of the Petco that Brett said you were in and said, these losers are just going to keep this anyway.” – John Holmberg (04:12)
  • Brady, reflecting: “I feel good about it.” (08:14)
• Holmberg admits he’s done similar things, ultimately concluding, “You're not a bad man for this. You're just not a good man either.”
• Ethical dilemmas: Would the outcome be different for larger sums? “If I find $120,000, I look around like there's something…” – Brady (13:19), with John joking about pocketing as much as possible while toying with ‘reporting’ it if caught.

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3. The Grey Area of Morality

• [14:55–18:28]
• The team riffs on scenarios about who is more deserving: finder, staff, or the unknown loser. Brady’s tale expands into imaginary, guilt-inducing situations (losing parent, hungry baby), evoking mock melodrama and dark comedy.
• They joke about laundering the money through the dog and concocting elaborate justifications for keeping it.

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4. Costs, Delusions, and Scams in Kids’ Sports

• [08:57, 09:22–11:45, 16:11–18:28]
• The conversation swings to parents’ financial investment in youth sports.
  • Holmberg reveals staggering statistics: only 28,000 people have ever played professional baseball; just over half a major league stadium. Yet, 13–17% of parents believe their kid will go pro.
  • Quote: “You couldn't currently fill a baseball stadium with every player that's ever played pro ball... In 150 something years.” – John Holmberg (10:36)
• Club sports are cited as “scams” – with outrageously successful league admins living large off parental hopes, leading the team to suspect where K.J.’s stolen funds may have come from.
• Quote: “They're scamming because there's so much money that comes in for people blindly handing money over because they think their kids are going to go pro.” – John Holmberg (09:22)

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5. Other Tales of Dubious Morality

• [16:46–34:00]
• Listeners write in with their own confessions or moral compromises (returning wallets but keeping the cash).
• John tells of finding a wallet with multiple suspicious IDs, deciding to keep the cash thinking the owner was a crook: “I think I stopped a crime rather than kept his money.” (17:57)
• The group debates “what’s your threshold?” At what dollar amount does one feel compelled to turn cash in?
  • John, joking: “I’m always keeping it. Doesn’t matter. Dollar, hundred dollars.” (18:50)
• Restaurant job stories: systemic minor theft like scrounging lost cash from booths, staff using found credit cards for gas until canceled.
  • “Restaurants are a…you know, you get in the booth…get all the crumbs out of there. And you – You’d swipe out 10 bucks. You didn’t go chase. Even if they were still in the lobby, you didn’t go chase them. What a bunch of jerks.” – John Holmberg (32:49)

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6. Media, Guilt and Social Judgment

• [23:55–25:14]
• The team jokes about reality shows like "What Would You Do?" and “Taxicab Confessions” that catch people on hidden camera making questionable choices, noting most embarrassing content only airs if you sign a release.
• Social media’s role in rapidly amplifying or canceling someone for such decisions is discussed.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• KJ’s Confession: “I have stored the money in a very safe place and can now brag that I got away with it…crime does pay.” (John/K.J., 00:38)
• Holmberg challenges Brady’s logic: “You did exactly what you accused them of being dirty for.” (John, 04:14)
• Brady admits partial guilt: “I feel good about it.” (08:14)
• On parenting and sports dreams: “There have only been…I think the numbers, 28,000 professional baseball players. You couldn't currently fill a baseball stadium with every player that's ever played pro ball.” (John, 10:36)
• On the moral nature of people: “Deep down, we're all dicks.” (John, 30:45)
• Listener letter, echoing the theme: “I stood there with a wad of her cash in my pocket.” (Listener Jim, 28:43)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00–02:38 | K.J.’s confession and statute of limitations
• 02:38–14:55 | “Found money”: Brady’s $50 and the finders keepers debate
• 09:22–11:45 | Youth sports, stats, and the financial delusion of parents
• 13:10–14:55 | What if it was $120k? Ethics at scale
• 16:11–18:28 | Listeners’ “found wallet” stories; moral thresholds
• 23:55–25:14 | TV reality shows and the optics of getting caught
• 30:45–34:00 | Restaurant industry casual theft stories

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Conclusion

This episode explores the sometimes blurry lines between right and wrong, exposing how easy it is to justify “small” lapses in morality through humor, self-reflection, and rationalization. Both listener and host stories highlight how commonplace such moments truly are – from found cash and suspicious wallets to ambitious (and expensive) dreams about children’s futures. The tone is lively, unapologetically real, and never misses an opportunity for a laugh, no matter how dark or self-deprecating.

Transcript

[A]

You're listening to the HMS Podcast, brought to you by MMP guns.com your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories. Good morning, everybody. Hello there. Welcome to Friday. Looking at a three day weekend. We've earned it. We've been at work for almost a week and a half now. Come on. The holidays broke us down. We get a week and a half back, we get a three day weekend. That's the way it should work. My name's John. There's Brady. There's Brett. There's Big Dick Toledo. This is the morning sickness. And we are off and running for another perfect day here in paradise. And I start today with an email I'm pretty proud that I got again two days in a row. Yesterday we changed a girl's life. Today this guy changes ours if we take his advice. Good morning, boys. It starts. I just wanted to say out loud for the first time that the statute of limitations is now beyond the 10 years from the time I stole $120,000. God damn, that's right. I have stored the money in a very safe place and can now brag that I got away with it. I'm not ready to name names or states or places. I do not live in Arizona anymore. And I will say that the money has never left the place that originally started it. But it is mine now because dreams come true and crime does pay. I'll try to give more details later. I just wanted to get this off my chest. You guys are my favorite show. Huge weekend for me. Signed K.J.

[B]

Kevin Johnson.

[A]

Kevin Johnson. The Phoenix Suns has stolen 120,000American dollars. My guess is that's not even the right amount. He probably lied. It's probably more. But I looked. And if it's 10 years, because I looked when I read this, it's seven years in Arizona for felony theft of massive amounts of money. But it depends on how you stole it. So you can't go up to 10. But if it's 11 years like he says, he got away with it. So congratulations. In a way, I'm proud of you. Brent would know you guys keep it together for a certain amount of time and then you can start like, I don't know nothing, but I know it's mine. He's running his mouth now. He's running his mouth mouth, though. There's the dangerous thing. And I knew Brett would say something along those lines. I didn't realize it was going to be running his mouth. Well, you know, he's singing, he's got some words to say. He's been bottled up for. That's pretty good, though, Sammy. The bulls running his mouth, you know, 11 years, but he didn't say. He's got 120k sitting somewhere. That's. He didn't see. That's true, but bull's not anything.

[B]

I guess I shouldn't feel bad about the. The quandary I had yesterday.

[A]

What's that? I was stat your limitations up on something. You did.

[B]

I. I don't think so. Because it's not like.

[A]

Well, a couple extra fingers.

[B]

What would you do? So I was having a dog lesson with catch.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And the lesson took place at a retail store.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

To get them acclimated.

[A]

Petsmart Public.

[B]

No, I won't say the name. That's gone until you.

[A]

That's what I think.

[B]

Nope. And anyway, we're teaching him. We're in this one aisle, and we've been in this aisle the whole time doing stuff, different drills. And I would have him sit, leave, go around the corner, wait a couple seconds, come back, and he still.

[A]

He maintains the sit. Stay.

[B]

Yeah. So all of a sudden, I look to the side, and on the floor is cash folded up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, it looked like. Look like trash.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

50 bucks.

[A]

Nice job.

[B]

So I go to the dog trainer, Carlos. I'm like, hey, what do you think? Should I go to the register and turn it in? He's like. And we're like. Like they're gonna. You know what we'll do is we'll wait here. And the. I will. Because we still got about 45 minutes. Yes. And that's what we did. No one came back on the parking lot. He's like.

[A]

I go, what would you do with Carlos?

[B]

Split it with Carlos.

[A]

All right. Well, see, finders keepers is a different.

[B]

Situation because I came down my. My logic on it was, well, if I had dropped 50 bucks shopping. I'm chalking up. And I didn't go logic.

[A]

Your logic was, I found 50 bucks. I did my part. It's mine now. Radiocean. That's right. It's finders keepers. You did an immoral finders keepers weighs on you a little bit. Because it's wrong. You should have turned it in. But more than likely, you looked at the employees of the Petco that Brett said you were in and said, these losers are just going to keep this anyway. You assessed the situation by looking at the employees of the place and said, well, they're gonna keep it anyway. And then you did exactly what you accused them of being dirty for.

[B]

You know, I didn't Mention the place.

[A]

I know why.

[B]

Just in case the guy's like, hey.

[A]

I lost 50 bucks. Yeah, you can't. Everybody's gonna say that. Yeah, exactly. So now it's yours. But the odd thing. And I've done this. You're not a bad man for this. You're just not a good man either. It's. You looked at the people and said, they're not trustworthy. They'll just keep it, more or less. Yeah. And then you did exactly that.

[B]

Who. Who deserves it?

[A]

Well, nobody deserves it. If you don't deserve it, who does? That's exactly right. If they're gonna go down those roads. Maybe that's what that douche was talking about. All right, buddy. If you don't deserve it, who does? Yeah, I've. I've been in that same quandary where you. I found a hundred bucks once, and I looked at the people at the place that had lost, and, like, these deadbeats will just pocket this money. And then I did that. So maybe they weren't deadbeats, but I certainly was. And I walked away feeling like I'd made the right choice because I knew if I'd have given it to someone else, they'd have just kept it. At least I thought about not keeping it. And that was where my justification rolled in. Did you spend it on anything yet? Did you have, like, a. Your little windfall turn into an extra raising canes?

[B]

I got coffee this morning.

[A]

Okay. And you didn't buy anything at the. At the store for the dog?

[B]

Not yet.

[A]

Good job for catch.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I find those things, those moments where you don't really think about your immorality because you. You made a choice and justified it with something ridiculous. I've done that. The hundred bucks that I found was a very hard one. And I got so judgmental of who I would leave it with because they wouldn't do the right thing. And then I just kept it.

[B]

Which would you feel better about turning it into the register? Say, hey, if someone comes by, said they dropped a hundred bucks.

[A]

Yeah. Now you're in out of sight, out of mind mode, because now you're like, I've done the right thing, and you just forget it. And now that guy's probably like, nobody's coming in for that. What an idiot. Into my pocket. And then you feel morally superior. But the problem is, our moral superiority is usually just our thoughts justifying what someone else would do that we would never do. And in turn, we don't even realize we're doing the exact Same thing. Nice job, Brady. And it's only 50 bucks. I mean, that's a nice. That's a chunk of change to find. That's a nice one. That's a good. Was it all in a ball or was it.

[B]

It was folded. Yeah.

[A]

Two twenties and a ten kind of thing.

[B]

Yeah. It looked old.

[A]

Well, I mean, like, it's been there for a minute.

[B]

Yeah. Because it had to been. You know, it might not have been there for a minute.

[A]

The way you're describing the losers at this facility you were at, they. They just scooped that right up. Maybe the loser. You know what? Maybe the losers at the store you were at were like, someone dropped this, and I'm not going to move it because if they come back, they'll know where they were and I'll leave it in their path. And you were like, hey, hey. And I like that Carlos is your partner, which also lessened your moral guilt.

[B]

Yeah, I consulted him.

[A]

Yet another guy.

[B]

I don't think it really will do much. I don't. I think they'll look at you weird.

[A]

Like, hey, here's. Why would they look at the register?

[B]

Like, yeah, we'll take care of that.

[A]

Why would they look at you weird, though?

[B]

Because. What's this idiot doing?

[A]

No, no, that's not what it is. No. So you can blame the Mexican with it. That's exactly right. That's right. You had a Mexican you made. That's right. And then you. You took some guilt off of you because you didn't take the whole 50. And some other guy was in on it, too. And he'll take the heat because he's a Mexican guy in Gilbert. Raul told me. My name is Carlos, you son of a bitch. He's been.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So, yeah. That's a good move, though.

[B]

I feel good about it.

[A]

But if you're asking questions and you want to break it down, the breakdown is that you were as big a loser as the people you were pointing your finger at. And there's nothing wrong with that.

[B]

I wasn't trying to point the finger.

[A]

Yeah, you were. You didn'.

[B]

Maybe a little.

[A]

You did point the finger, though you may not have been trying.

[B]

Yeah, you did.

[A]

Most certainly. It's human nature. It ain't 120 grand. And I'm curious, more so on what this dude did to steal 120. And the wise thing, evidently, is he stored was a savings account for 10 years. Now, he couldn't put it in a bank, so it got no interest. So when he stole it, it was worth more than it Is today, but it's still. And I, Yeah, I looked.

[B]

It's.

[A]

It's seven years for that. That's not too bad. I remember we used to steal.

[B]

It's probably onto a new church now.

[A]

That could be. That's what I'm wondering if it was like a. I, I, the first thing I thought was like a fundraiser or Little League came to mind for some reason. Like those club leagues and they, they are always skimming off the top of that stuff. There's no way. I know people who run. We know people who run a. Softball charities. No, not even a charity. Like a kid softball league.

[B]

Yeah, those loose youth soccer leagues.

[A]

Mansions. No, it's a club league. It's like beautiful homes. Just amazing. Like toy haulers. Toy haulers. Vacations every week. And I'm like, wife doesn't work. What the hell? What are we doing wrong? They're scamming because there's so much money that comes in for people blindly handing money over because they think their kids are going to go pro. I thought I saw a story the other day about how, what was it? 13% of parents think that their kids under the age of 12 will go professional in sports. And it jumps up to 17 for people with kids in high school sports. And then you have to tell them, do you realize, here's a stat that will blow your mind. Baseball was essentially kind of invented in the stadium age in the 1870s. Really older than that. But the 1860s and 70s, when we actually had stadiums. Right. From that day to today. Parks, Parks. Right. But from that day to today, there have only been, I think, the numbers. 28,000 professional baseball players. You couldn't currently fill a baseball stadium with every player that's ever played pro ball.

[B]

How about that?

[A]

Yeah. In 150 something years. Yeah. It's half. In the Chase Field right downtown. Here's 50,000. So you'd be a little over half. It would look like a regular Pirates game with the Diamondbacks. That stat blows my mind. Right. Blows my mind.

[B]

How many people would attempt or dreamt about being in the.

[A]

You get into the fact that at any given time there's like, what's the number? It's like I forgot what it was. It was like 164,000 kids playing little league sports in the. I think that was right. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. But it makes the point. 98. What? 98. No way. Holmberg's morning sickness. And a percentage of which ones would go Pro is below 0.03. Thirteen percent of parents have this pipe dream that think their kid's gonna go pro. They think they're in high school once they're in high. And the percentage of them playing low level College Baseball is 2.7 from all the kids that play in, you know, youth sports. Yeah, it's incredible.

[B]

Imagine, I wonder, that number of, you know, the double A and aaa.

[A]

Oh, the percentage of getting into professional baseball beyond not even the big bigs, like just paid for playing baseball is so low. But parents throw money at this stuff. And that's what I thought, my first thought, because I've just got some ties to people who run, you know, club sports. And they're like, oh, yeah, the hockey. Club, sports, hockey. Hundreds of thousands of dollars to run a club sport. And it's because parents are like, if I invest in this kid and he is special, I don't want to be the one that didn't give, you know, and they do it. The equipment's incredibly expensive. They travel, all this stuff. So that was my first thought, that KJ stole from one of those things. Charity was second. Charity was another because it's easy. Look, you got to think of, if you get 120k, that's probably because there was about seven or 800,000 donated. And he's nibbling at that 700. Because nobody's gonna say we raised $500,000 and go, where's the other 120? He can nibble at it over a year, put it in like a safe in his house and just lock it up. But crime can pay. There's plenty. I wonder how many people we run into, like Brady every day who are crooked thieves. And you don't even know that. They just swipe money right out and don't even care about the poor family that needed.

[B]

I guess that's my threshold, you know, 50 bucks. Okay, 100 bucks, probably, yeah. But like, if it was 120 grand on the floor.

[A]

That's where you and I are different. If I find $120,000, I look around like there's something.

[B]

I don't know. It's got to be watching this.

[A]

If it's cash, yeah. I pick it up and I take my chances and say, I was going to report this to the FBI the second I get caught. And if I can, if I can return all 120,000, you're pretty good if they, you know, once they get you out of it. But if it's 50 bucks, I'd probably turn it in to one of the, as Brady called them, losers. At the facility that he didn't like, give it to. I give it to one of them because I'd be like, yeah, if they keep it, they've got a menial job. They probably deserve it more than I do. But if it was 120,000, I'd go.

[B]

To the front counter and go, I found $50,000.

[A]

Exactly. Yeah, if it was, I would maybe go, Hey, 20 grand over. But then, then you get in trouble. So I keep the whole thing. The bigger the amount, the more I'm probably gonna keep it. The less, the more I'm probably gonna hand it over to one of Brady's loser people that works at those little crappy jobs that he looks down on. He had an accomplice with him. He had somebody to blame. Hola. Blame the brown guy. Carlos, look what I found. It's a pretty good haul. I hope it's not a single mother with babies that need the milk. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, give you 25 to keep your trap shut. You got it, Brady. Because we both know that these deadbeats here would just spend it on drugs. Yeah, that's what I think. Now, does catch eat money? Because we could funnel it through him and launder it and then dig it out of his feces. Good idea. 50 bucks.

[B]

Catch learned to make tamales yesterday.

[A]

He got his new little company started. Or you can rob people for that too. How much for the tamale? $5. That's worse than finding $50 or taking it right out of my pocket. Five bucks for a tamale? Those things are worth a penny. Ordered some doordash the other day from a Mexican place and they screwed up and gave us someone else's order. And the third box had tamales in it. And I'm like, you know what? I've been pretty rough on the tamale for a while. I make fun of the fact that nobody ever gets them outside of, you know, Christmas. So I took a bite worse than I remember. Terrible mush ball of nothing with nothing. And you know what was worse? I didn't even know they made these. It was a meat free one. It was cheese. It's more mush than you could ever. There's nothing in that. Terrible. What kind of self respecting Mexican is a vegetarian? Come on. Exactly. Put a pepper in it or something. I bit it and I'm like, where's the meat? And I peeled the mush off the top layer of wet sock that they call masa. And I. And I goop that dough up and I'm like, what the hell? There's nothing in here. It was just cheese. And it wasn't even like a. It's the same as when they put meat in a tamale. It's a thin, tiny. We're saving all the cheese in the world. You're not getting much cheese. Cheese.

[B]

You're dumb. You know, you don't know how to eat tamales. You open it up, peel off, and then put food on top of it.

[A]

Yeah. And then pile real delicious food. So when you're eating it like, it's good until you get to the bottom where the wet sock is. That's a tamale. Like, you People are ruining food with tamales. This person says, my teenage daughter did dance for two years. We're paying $1,000 a month on lessons and outfits. I love her to death, but she's not Paula Abdul. I finally told her mom that unless she's gonna be a pro dancer and make money, spending that kind of dough for her to have a hobby is ridiculous. Oh, cheerleading.

[B]

That's a big thing about it. You know, kids still in the. The league. I don't think. I think majority of them are like, well, the. He likes playing or she likes playing it. Let's continue.

[A]

You are in a sunk cost relationship with their future. You've already poured in 10 grand. They're okay. But if I throw in another 10, maybe that. Maybe it'll spark. This one says John. I found a wallet on the floor at Walmart yesterday. I returned the wallet to the person after I rewarded myself all the cash in it, because that's a good move. That's kind of what Brady would have done. I found a wallet in the parking lot of a. When I. When I did the Night of the Singing Dead a couple years ago that we did the makeup in a hotel across the street from the club. And when I went back to my car, there was a wallet. Here's my justification of it. I think I told the story. I looked at him like, there's a wallet right next to my car and no car parked next to me. And I'm like, huh? And I opened it, and I'm like, in my brain, I'm like, this is my chance to be a good citizen. And I open it, and there was an ID in there. And there was like. I was like, I don't remember how much. Like 117 bucks. I'm like, I don't remember even if that's. It was that high. And I see the id and then there was a woman's id, Then another woman's id Then Another of this guy's ID that had different names. And I'm like this crooked son of a. I'm keeping all of this and I didn't take it back in at all. And I, I, because I thought he's a criminal. Why would you have multiple IDs? He's a 48 year old man with like multiple IDs. He's different names and then he's got a woman's ID in there a couple of times. Like he's got loads of different identifications and the, all the male ones were his picture. So I'm like, well, I think I stopped a crime rather than kept his money.

[B]

For sure.

[A]

I still have the wallet. I was, yeah, but I think that that's a couple years ago. That's not stealing, that's finding. That's different. Hey, the 50 bucks that that guy like took out of the wallet and turned in. Yeah, that's worth it. Not having to go get new credit cards and new id. Hey, yeah, that's on you. Your issue. Yeah. What's your limit? What do you pick up? When do you, when do you say, I'll give it to the losers that Brady wouldn't talk to before. What like, what is your like now? I'm keeping this. We all have that number. I'm always keeping it. Yeah, it doesn't dollar. Yeah, $100. Doesn't matter. Threw it on the floor, right? Yeah. It's a lesson my dad would have taught me. If you want to leave stuff laying around, it's for everybody to pick up. It's like me, I mean, pairs of shoes I lost from dogs and stuff like that because, well, it's my fault. I left it around. And I admit it, I have a puppy and I left stuff on the ground. That stuff goes away. You can't be upset about it. My dad used to get mad at me when I would put something of value in the center of my car, like a dollar. And he goes, people look in there and they see that you got a buck in there, they probably think you got more money laying around. You're going to get your windows busted and somebody's going to break. And he hated when I had CDs in the car. He hated it. It's just a target. I'm like, nobody's going to do that. And he goes, you'll see. And then of course, in our driveway, somebody cut the top off my jeep and God damn it. Stole that book of poems about vaginas. The Vagina Diaries. The Vagina Diaries. I don't even know if they got money. They got my speakers and all that.

[B]

That one you turn back in.

[A]

I mean, yeah, you leave the Vagina Diaries back to the kid who wrote the Vagina Diaries. Anyway, congratulations to KJ And Brady for their giant thieving halls yesterday. Nice job. And if you're down 50 bucks, wouldn't it. Wouldn't it be just the worst? Brady, if. If that 50. Here's a scenario for you. The guy who had the $50, like, needed that money, and he's like, this is the best. I've got $20 right now for my dog. I'm gonna go get him some food at the dog store. And he went and did that, and he dropped the 50 bucks where you're trading. Catch gets the dog food. His dogs haven't eaten in days. He's like, Now I've got $50 to go get formula for my baby for the first time to take care of all this and make these. Make my family just whole. We can get a hotel room and get showers tonight. It's gonna be great. And then he reaches in his pocket and he's like, the money. And right after you and Ramon, you know, bang champagne glasses and like, what a day. You're leaving. He's going in. Sliding door serendipity. And he goes in, and he looks at every aisle he was in. He's like, I can't. Somebody picked it up. Son of a.

[B]

If. If that's the case, that story's real. That person calls in today, and then he. 50 bucks back.

[A]

Everybody call.

[B]

Yeah, good luck.

[A]

He comes home starving. Baby unzips the tent they've been staying in. Honey, I lost the $50. You need to do the right thing. I probably should have done that to myself, but we didn't need that baby anyway. He shot a baby because you and Ramon. Way to go. Way to go, Brady. That man shot a baby. Do you like how I silen crying? Oh, I'm going to pay for this one. I'm going to do it again. Get your checkbook out. Yeah, it sounded a little like this. Brady, I love you so much. I know you're hungry, but your daddy is careless with money. I did, too, just in case. 98. What? 98. No way. Hberg's morning sickness.

[B]

50 bucks.

[A]

I ended his life. Just in case. I put one in his leg as a warning. And then I finished it. You have done the right thing. If only someone would have trusted the losers at the dollar store. I could have asked one of the patrons. Did you see $50. I. I know a dead baby to clean up. Hey, Ramon, you want to get some raising canes? Heck yeah, Brady, this is great. At least no babies were harmed in the $50 fantasy that I am having. Me too. Not a single baby was hurt. Extra cane sauce on me. Yeah, get the extra if you want. What was that? I know. I'm just a baby. I thought it was still moving. Need a pen look up. Yeah, I just get my checkbook. I thought the bab. It jiggled a little. You saw it. Hey, I gotta go get another batch of canes. We got some money left over. Ramon, I'm going to the Walgreens and I'm going to grab a bottle of mums. We're going to live high tonight. What was that?

[B]

Well, thank you for making me feel good about the situation.

[A]

Thanks for sharing. I woke up and I thought the baby was. I thought it was a trap. Put you in the crib. Brady nestled his little head in, slapped that CPAP on last night. What a day.

[B]

Little bonus, nothing bad happened.

[A]

What was that? Guy's just firing wildly. Yeah, I'm gonna like hearing about that one. That's fun for me. But hey, what are you gonna do? Anyway, good for you, Brady. I'm glad you still have any of it in your pocket. Yeah, yeah. My brain. Because I always wonder, like, if it's. And I would keep a bigger amount. I always wonder if it's like a test, if that John quinones guy from 2020 is going to come around the corner. And what would you do? Remember that show? And people would just put you in terrible scenarios, and it was like Candid Camera, only for being an asshole. And then you roll in and he's standing there going, hi, I'm John. Ken yonez from 2020. I'm like, crap. I kept it. They just watched me. I just start running. Screw you. And then I would. You know what? The funny thing about that? What would you do? Show is you have to agree afterwards. Well, no, afterwards. Yeah, because you have to agree to ABC airing that.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And they're like, but you committed a crime. So then it also becomes like, a thing. Well, you didn't necessarily commit a crime. Not in all of them. You did something, you know, socially unacceptable. I would just tell him, like, you absolutely do not have permission to use my voice, my face, my body. You can blur me out like crazy. That won't bother me at all. But. No, but people agree to it.

[B]

When did that happen? Like, how long ago?

[A]

What. What would you do? Show. Yeah, it pops up now and again. They still show it on one of those crime shows, but it was probably eight years ago. Maybe they would run in that. Pretty heavy.

[B]

Is it? With the way social media and everything works now, I think some of those people will be like, you're saying canceled.

[A]

Oh, sure.

[B]

Like if. Why find out. You know, one thing happens.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like the person that mocked the president got suspended.

[A]

Oh, the guy. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he was just, he was chanting some horrible things. And yeah. It's at work. If, if our boss decided to have Trump walk through.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And we lost our minds. Our boss could go, hey, this is a pretty big deal for the company and we got jackasses. Like, you're done and you just, you can keep, you got to keep that to yourself. It hurts sometimes. Or just say, I, you know, I respectfully decline work that day because this goes against everything. But that's fine too. But yeah, I remember Taxicab Confessions at the end, they would sometimes show people, like with the producers going, you told a lot of like bad stories about yourself. You. This is a TV show. Like, oh, great. Immediately get. Because they got paid. They'd sign the papers and they're like, we'll give you like $200 or whatever the fee is like 1200 bucks to be on TV. It's like a fee. No, here you go. And people would suck that up. And like, you. Do you realize what you just told that cab driver is going to go on HBO now? But at the end of the show, they're signing the releases going, you can use everything, all of it. That's great. And I would have been like, absolutely not. And first off, I'm not telling a cabbie all my dirty secrets. Dirty. Dirty enough in that cab. So, you know, but we get it a lot. You know, the email from KJ this morning is, we're an outlet. We're a safe place that he doesn't know us. We don't know him. Although I have a feeling at a concert in the future. Okay. Remember that. That's me. All right, DB Cooper, keep it down. Give me half or I'm tattling. You can't. Statute limitations is up. By the way, this email came in from David Vasquez says, trust me, if that was a cheese tamale, it was made by a Chinaman or something. No self respecting beater makes cheese tamales. That is from David Vasquez. I didn't say those words, Honey. The $50 is really weighing on my head that we had to eliminate our baby. I know, but it was the right thing to do. You're not exactly cheap. I. How did I afford all these bullets?

[B]

Yeah, he spent more.

[A]

Yeah, he spent more firing into the. I was a little. Well, again, I'm bad with money. I. It falls out of my pocket. I just buy weaponry. Well, I'm on my own now anyway. And then he turns the radio on this morning. I found 50 bucks yesterday and had a hell of a day. It was good stuff. He is my next. He is. He's next. You never know what road that's going to take. But if it was more, I'd. I'm telling you right now, my friend, I'd have done the same thing. And the best part of it is, I don't know if you looked at any of the employees before you made the judgment. I think you probably did.

[B]

No, we are too deep in the aisle. You couldn't see.

[A]

Yeah, but you. You peeked around, like. And then you remembered the one you saw when you came in and.

[B]

Oh, when I left the store, I looked around, sure.

[A]

Yeah. And none of these people are any good. I'm better than you think. It was a good move. Very smart. Very smart. This one says I was about nine years old, crawling through the tubes at Discovery Zone like a. Remember Discovery Zones? It's a dirty disease. I think Covid started there. We blame the Chinese, but pretty sure it was one of those fun ballparks. Your kids playing while you eat. Says it was like being a Chuck E. Cheese. I came across a purse. First thing I do is look for cash. Found 60 bucks. And then I found the lady it belonged to and returned it to her. And she thanked me profusely. And I stood there with a wad of her cash in my pocket. Jim. Well, I can retell the story of the worst one I ever saw when it realized I'll never be as immoral as another man named Jim that I used to know. When he gave me a ride from Tony Romas to my house, and I looked in the back seat of his car and there were several purses. And I said, what do you got going on back there? And he just started laughing. And that girl. There was a girl named Deidre who had, like, after parties at Tony Roma's all the time. Is he a troll? No, he knew the trolls. Okay.

[B]

Front of the house.

[A]

I think he ended up working there later, but I don't. Yeah, he was a front house. He was a busser, I think. I don't know if I worked at the same time here, but I knew him through all the. And he says he was funny. I remember him being very funny. And I said, what's that getting? He said, oh, you know, like, the party's after when our friends from other restaurants show up. And I'm like, yeah. And he goes, at the end of the night, I take the fattest one, and I give her all the attention. A lot of times, I close that deal, and then I get up and I steal their purses. Like, what? And he goes, they're grateful. It cost him a purse to have somebody give him some attention. He goes, because they're pigs. And I'm like, well, that's. You're a real humanitarian. There might have been seven purses there. And you know what I did? This isn't better. One of the girls had a Discover card, if I remember right. And we got gas. It was a different time.

[B]

Statue of limitations.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, that's way up. I can talk. We used to get gas if you left your credit card at Tony Roma's. We'd give you 24 hours to come looking for it. And then the whole staff would run gas on it. Everybody'd come back with it till somebody canceled the card. And they'd call and be like, did you find a. You find an American Express? Nope. It's the last time I remember him. Nope. And then just. And then, of course, that was the smart thing to do, because the paper trail on that. We'd always have to go to a different gas station. It looks like somebody swiped their card and just used it until it was canceled. Yeah. Usually at 48 hours, but we did that a lot. Statute limitations on that. I never was the first one in on that, but I definitely participated. But we'd probably fill up the Jeep, come back, hand it over. My buddy Adam. Adam would drive his car, go get gas, take that car home, go get his mom's car and fill that up, too, on the way back and just use his mom's car for the day. So we were. Every credit card probably got hit for about seven to 10 full tanks of gas before we're like, it's not working anymore. It was good stuff. Deep down, we're all dicks. Well, he ruined the credit of some pigs out there. Ah, man. Oh, Jim wrecked some. Those poor pigs. I felt so bad for the pigs. But, you know, when you're getting a free tank of gas, your brain kind of says, you know, no one was going to have sex with that pig. Jim did a service to that lady. And he would tell me the girls that he was doing and you'd look at. We'd look at their IDs. He was doing some. He was doing some work, guys. This was. This was. This was for the benefit of man. These girls weren't getting attention otherwise. I mean, we're talking some bad looking ladies. And he managed to make them feel good for a day. And all it cost him was a purse and an ID and whatever was in that purse. And the one that had the Discover card. I apologize. Her name was Kim. I remember that from her ID. And she was probably pushing about 210, 215, which back in 1992, 3. That's a big girl. Nowadays it's pretty normal, but back then that was rare.

[B]

She's average.

[A]

Yeah. Now she's an average girl. I was like, how dare you? 210 pound. She was my size, except for she might have been like five. Two. Oh, yeah, Christola. Well, Jim stole her Discover card. I just used it. But I was the Ramon in this story where I'm like, yes. And then Jim's like, John used it too. So it was. Yeah, I think there were about seven purses back there. And the idea. I laughed and I felt terrible all the same. I didn't want to be in the car anymore until the free gas. I don't know if I've ever told the free gas part of that, but we used to get a lot of free gas. Yeah, Roma's. All the time. People would drop their wallets, they'd leave money. Restaurants are a. You know, you get in the booth and you're like, hey, in the crease of the booth. And you teach the bus boys. Get in there, get all the crumbs out of there. And you. You'd swipe out 10 bucks. You didn't go chase. Even if they were still in the lobby, you didn't go chase them. What a bunch of jerks. Well, at least that baby doesn't have to live in squalor anymore. Brady. He's in a better place because you didn't. Cuz you didn't give that money back just in case, he said.

[B]

I feel much better now.

[A]

Yeah, I thought his little eye opened. It was dark. I loved every second of it, by the way. Go ahead, make all your calls. Can go directly to Larry McFeely. I'm fine with that. Oh, he's losing. It's hilarious. 619. Let's get a Wake up song. 5, 8, 5, 9. 800. A good one. We'll scream it together. It's 98 KPD. Wake Up. It's out of control now. 88 k u pd.