Holmberg's Morning Sickness: January 16, 2026 – Full Show Summary

Main Theme & Purpose

This episode of "Holmberg’s Morning Sickness" on 98KUPD delivers a classic mix of irreverent banter, dark humor, and candid discussion among John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo. The crew dives into morality, crime (petty and not-so-petty), youth sports delusions, and social conventions around weddings, all while lacing everything with the razor-sharp, self-deprecating tone that defines their Arizona morning staple. The episode’s touchstone is an anonymous listener confession involving a $120k theft, setting off wide-ranging debates about honesty, justification, and human nature.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Confession Time: Statute of Limitations & Crime Pays?

(00:00 - 08:30)

• John reads an email from a listener (KJ) who proudly admits to having stolen $120,000—now safe by the statute of limitations.
  • John: “Dreams come true and crime does pay. I’ll try to give more details later. I just wanted to get this off my chest.”
• The group breaks down whether it’s admirable, shameful, or just human nature to take what isn’t yours if you can get away with it.
• They check Arizona’s timeline for prosecution and muse on how “getting away with it” may simply be a matter of waiting out the legal clock.
• Notable quote (John, 01:09): "In a way, I’m proud of you. … Crime can pay."

2. Morality in Petty Theft: The $50 Windfall

(02:38 - 15:00)

• Brady tells a story about finding $50 at a pet store during a dog-training session. He and his trainer waited for the owner; no one came, so they split it.
  • Brett: “Turn it into the register? Like they’re gonna… you know they’re just gonna keep that.”
• The group debates whether turning found money into employees is any more "moral" than just keeping it, especially when you assume the employees would pocket it anyway.
• They discuss ethical thresholds—how much would you have to find before you'd try to return it?
  • John: “You’re not a bad man for this. You’re just not a good man either.”
  • The “finders keepers” mindset gets put under the microscope as everyone admits to similar rationalizations.
• Morality flexes with the incentive; everyone agrees they'd behave differently if it was $120,000 instead of $50.
  • Brady (13:01): “I guess that’s my threshold, you know—$50 okay, $100… probably, yeah. But if it was $120 grand on the floor…”

3. Where Did That Money Come From? Hypotheses & Sports Tangent

(08:57 - 16:37)

• The crew hypothesizes how the emailer stole $120k, guessing "club sports" or "charity funds"—both ripe with loose oversight and parents' delusions about their kids’ athletic futures.
• John hits parents' unwavering investments in their kids' activities, even when pro prospects are virtually nonexistent.
  • John: “13% of parents think their kids under 12 will go pro... There have been only 28,000 pro baseball players, ever.”

4. Personal Stories: Wallets, Gasoline, & Rationalization

(16:47 - 32:40)

• John and others share stories of finding wallets, money, and cards—and their varying degrees of honesty in returning them (or not).
  • "Statute of limitations" is jokingly cited for youthful misdeeds.
• John recounts coworkers who swiped credit cards left at restaurants and used them for communal gas.
  • John: “If you left your card at Tony Roma’s, you had 24 hours, then the staff would run gas on it until it was canceled.”

5. Weddings, Elopements, and Relationship Economics

(54:18 - 81:19)

• The show pivots to weddings: the folly of modern wedding spending, how women’s expectations differ from men’s, and the fleeting value given the cost.
• Stories include a woman divorcing her husband days after a "wedding prank," and men’s romanticism versus women's (allegedly more pragmatic) approach.
  • John: "Every woman's 'special day' is the same as every other woman."
  • Brady: "If you can’t afford your own wedding, you shouldn’t get married."
• They riff about the need for “wedding insurance,” given how short some unions last.

6. Dark Humor: The $50 and the Starving Baby

(20:02, 21:09, 23:26, recurring gags)

• John runs a recurring, darkly comic fantasy about the poor soul who “needed that $50 for baby formula” and what might have happened after Brady found it—ending in jokes about babies, guns, and Raising Cane’s.
• John, after a fake baby tragedy: “Way to go, Brady. That man shot a baby. … Not a single baby was harmed in the $50 fantasy I am having. … Extra cane sauce on me!”

7. Australian Dangers, Animals, and Morbidity

(48:18 - 54:18)

• John discusses a "model eaten by a crocodile" and subsequent search algorithm dives into Australian wildlife, box jellyfish, and why he’d never swim there.
• John: “Everything in Australia is trying to kill you. Don’t let anybody tell you it’s just the outback.”

8. Science, Taxes, and AI

(88:59 - 98:34)

• Science news interlude: new instant coffee facts, AI tax help, and a conceptual South Korean spray-on wound sealant.
• John considers using AI for his taxes and legal issues, showing faith in new tech.
• John: “I think I can do this. … If not, the IRS will call me and go, ‘What were you thinking?’”

9. Entertainment: Castings, Baywatch & Becoming Uncancelled

(133:46 - 139:26)

• Entertainment news covers a Baywatch reboot (producers request ‘no overly revealing outfits’—irony noted), and a new E! show where canceled celebrities live together hoping to be "uncanceled."
• Brainstormed "uncanceled" roster: Kevin Spacey, Roseanne, Michael Richards, Jussie Smollett, and more.

10. Guadalupe Squares & Comedy Segments

(147:26 - End)

• The show wraps with a special MLK-themed “Guadalupe Squares” (98KUPD’s local take on Hollywood Squares) with satirical impressions of Obama, Trump, Morgan Freeman, Michelle Obama, and others, riffing on race, Arizona heat, holiday meaning, and morning show tropes.
• This part is an extended comedy improv, filled with offbeat characters and listener participation.
  • Notable impressions:
    • Obama and “Big Mike” Michelle
    • Morgan Freeman’s take on "white" producer Corey
    • Trump’s "the Blacks love me" braggadocio
    • Black Lady Brady joking about the Arizona heat

Memorable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• John (00:49): “Dreams come true and crime does pay.”
• Brady (03:35): “So I go to the dog trainer, Carlos. ... Should I go to the register and turn it in?”
• John (04:12): “Your logic was, I found 50 bucks. I did my part. It’s mine now.”
• John (08:26): “I’m curious what this dude did to steal $120,000. ... The wise thing is, evidently, he stored it.”
• John (13:10): “If I find $120,000, I look around like there’s something...”
• John (20:02): “Brady, if that $50 ... the guy who had it needed that money...”
• John (22:11): “I put one in his leg as a warning, and then I finished it. ... You did the right thing, if only someone would have trusted the losers at the dollar store.”
• John (56:10): “Every woman’s special day is the same as every other woman. Absolutely. It’s remarkably cookie cutter.”
• John (134:45): “AI Baywatch is the future. ... I don’t want to see modern day social issues dealt with by real people on Baywatch.”
• Guadalupe Squares, Big Mike (148:29): “Somebody getting pegged this weekend—that’s me. That’s right. My wife’s going to probably peg me all weekend long in honor of her birthday. She’s like that.”

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Statute of Limitations/Listener Crime Confession: 00:00 – 08:30
• Brady’s $50 and Discussion of Petty Theft: 02:38 – 15:00
• Youth Sports Parental Delusions: 08:57 –16:37
• Personal Wallet/Found Money Stories: 16:47 – 32:40
• Weddings/Economy of Relationships: 54:18 – 81:19
• Australian Animal Tangents: 48:18 – 54:18
• Science, AI, Taxes: 88:59 – 98:34
• Entertainment (Baywatch, Cancelled Celebs): 133:46 – 139:26
• Guadalupe Squares / Comedy Improv: 147:26 – End

Original Tone

The banter is raw, fast, and unfiltered—balancing self-deprecating admissions, deadpan delivery, and low-key Arizona sarcasm. The show’s humor leans dark, often spinning hypotheticals to the absurd or even grotesque, but the crew always circle back to self-awareness, poking fun at their own choices and the audience’s likely moral gray zones.

Conclusion

This episode is an expansive, laugh-heavy ride through the crew’s collective conscience and Arizona’s civic zeitgeist. Grounded by themes of morality, self-justification, and everyday ethical dilemmas, the show remains entertainingly caustic and down-to-earth—skewering everything from petty theft to wedding traditions, all with a healthy serving of irreverence and well-timed, if occasionally controversial, comedic bits. It’s classic Holmberg’s Morning Sickness: unfiltered, unapologetic, and razor-sharp.

For fans or newcomers, this episode is a perfect example of why "Holmberg’s Morning Sickness" remains one of Arizona’s essential morning listens.