← Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona
Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona
01-22-26 - Pelvic Floor Emailer - Eagle Has Landed Period Trips - May 2023-BO
00:13:54
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You're listening to the HMS podcast brought to you by MMP Guns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories. Hey, it's Brett Vesely and I'm here with Byron from MMP Guns. Look, Byron, I have a friend wanting to sell some guns he inherited. What's the best way for him to do that? Brett, the last thing you want to do is sell the gun to someone who can't legally own one. Tell him not to put himself at risk and come into M and P Guns where he'll get a fair offer and he can rest easy knowing it's not getting into the wrong hands. Okay, but what if he lives out of state? Easy legalgunbuyer.com and he can do it online. It really that simple. There you have it. MMP Guns or legalgunbuyer.com the safe and legal way to sell your firearms. It's John Holmberg here seeing clear as a bell. Thanks to my friends at the Schwartz Laser Eye Center. Well, here we are looking at a brand new year. Can you see yourself in 2026? Can you see it all? I mean, really? Maybe in 2026 you should see yourself seeing. Fix those eyes. Vision changes are gradual. You might not even know how bad it's gotten. I know. That was my story. So start the new year by seeing clearly. Visit Dr. Jay Schwartz and his team at the Schwartz laser eye center. 4, 8, 483 eyes Schwartz laser eye center, the official eye center for your Diamondbacks and sons. Here's another best of rerun from the morning sickness. Romy says listening to you guys this morning and your topic about girls take their shirts off. I got the switch out done a couple years ago. Meaning she got new cans put nice Was dating a guy who had awful hillbilly friends and the chick of that couple would wear a sports bra and T shirt in the pool. I'm humble but open. And it drove the girl nuts that my new cans were awesome. My husband vocally enjoyed my enhancement out loud. I didn't even have to try because this chick was so insecure. It drove her crazy. She didn't even look that bad, but she just knew mine were better. So I had to whip them out. Chicks were mean to each other. She saw a lesser than in the chess department. She put in the upgrades and she started flaunting. Oh yeah, oh yeah. Take a look at these. Did you think girls have a lot to talk about at work John that are very uncomfortable because why? It's our turn. I heard a Conversation between a couple of fives in my office about that diva cup you were making me sick with a few seconds ago. One said something about taking it out. A few hours later, she bit her nails. And she said, I remembered I didn't really get it all off, so I thought I tasted some gross. And these are the emails that I have to read to listen to this one. This is what you guys give me. I says, here's a fun topic for you. My wife is a physical therapist. She has two specialties, dry needling, which, if you haven't done, is really cool. Kind of like acupuncture with science. And then two is a pelvic floor therapy. She helps ladies that have trouble holding their pee. And then usually it comes with pain. With sexual. Otherwise known as the undateable. She reaches her hands in there and teaches them how to strengthen their vaginal muscles. She makes a lot of money doing this. Next weekend, she's taking a training course to combine these two specialties. Pelvic floor dry needling, which is where you take the needles and you put them inside the girl's V to release muscle strains. The best part is the students in the class have to practice on each other. She's got to spend three days in a room full of therapists across the country throwing needles in each other's V's. Women's bodies are gross, man. She's not looking forward to having her downstairs repeatedly poked by 3 inch sharp needles for three days in training. Isn't that what that dude who went to jail for like a billion years was doing to the American gym team? Larry Nassar? Yeah. Wasn't that the thing? He was reaching in there, saying, squeeze, strengthen your. Yeah, I think he wanted to injury. He was trying to strengthen the. I talked to a pelvic floor, like one of those real chiropractors, like a real chiropractor, not the guy in the strip mall, but like a real doctor chiropractor that was, you know, sports therapist and all that stuff. And he said there are techniques where you have to actually reach into somebody and make that muscle better. Like, no kidding. He goes, I'm not doing it. Find a new career. Yeah, I'm not doing that. But normally it's like really fit people. You got to get in there. He's like, it's not like you're doing it for pleasure. You got to do it. You know, there's something popped in the pelvis. You got to break this vent. But Larry Nassar was doing it to all of them. But Dry needling. I don't care what my illness is. Needles inside me. If I'm still awake for that, that's not happening. I'm not going. If my butt is broken and I can't hold it anymore. And the doctor said, well, there is one solution. You can lay down, spread your legs open. We can dry needle the inside of your. Nope. Not doing it. And then this meme comes in from Twilight. Yeah. Thanks, Christian. One of the vampires got a. Is that from a woman? Christian. Christian. Okay. One of the vampires has blood all over his hands, and it says when you take out your diva cup. I hate you guys sometimes. That's the disc. The disc spills. Would you. That's the blood drawer. If your butt was. If my butt's leaking, I'm done. And I'm done. I'm not sticking around. And they said the needles. Acupuncture inside there. I've done acupuncture. Do it inside your B hole. Yeah, I'd give that a whirl before I'd shut her down. Who are you? I don't want anything in my B hole. You shouted it on the show once. I think we have a clip. It's a medical procedure. What? It's a. I've had acupuncture before. Not in your butthole. Well, yeah, and because your B hole's leaking too much. Ladies, if that's going on, you're all done. You're all done. Sex hurts and I can't hold in my pee. Get in the box. You're done. This is over. What are you hanging on to? Well, if I just go jam a bunch of needles in it. Yeah, that's. That's gonna help the whole herding part. Bag it. Yeah, bag it up. Let's bag her up. She's done. Field dress this one. And let's not be hypocrites. Quarter it and give it to the Indians. We're gonna let them eat. You can't hold your pee anymore. You're 34. I know, but it's. My children shouldn't have those either. Now. Now you're. You got STDs, too, so. Yeah, that's disgusting. You can't hold your pee, and you're not 75 unless there's some sort of. Only when you sneeze and laugh. Oh, no. Okay, that's worse, because that's when we like you when you're laughing. I've pissed myself. Oh, God. Next. You didn't mention that on Bumble. That should be a requirement. Do you piss yourself when you giggle sometimes. Swine bloom. That one's out. No, it'll put that up there. Of course they wouldn't. Because it's mean. Because, you know, it's. You're the. You're an undateable. I occasionally piss myself. Love long walks on the beach. Like, undateable. Read the first line. You know, my underwear sometimes looks like someone with COVID sneezed in it. Wanna go to dinner with me? Yeah. Good God. I've got a tide pod in there all the time. Oh, boy. F you. I was trying to date again. I've got all this free time. Back on the scene. Whoa, brother. What's a diva cup? You disgusting. They smell, they're sticky. They say things that are horrib. The playoffs are here and Hooters just upgraded your game plan. Our beer of the month went from 14 ounces to a massive 25 ounces. Starting at just $4. That's a bigger beer for every kickoff drive and touchdown. And while you're here, load up on wings, burgers, and all your favorites. Come in for the playoffs. Stay for the food, the cold beer, and non stop football. Plus, every Hooters is giving away an 85 inch smart TV for the big game. Must be present to win. Hooters come for the football stay. Everything else. Holmberg's morning sickness. Yeah, I'm. I'm not playing that. Is that the code for the memorial vacation? The eagle has landed. Eagle has landed. Yeah, that's when they. I gotta tell you, I know we're going on vacation a couple hours, but the Eagles landed. As soon as you click book on your hotel, It's. We're good, right? We're. We're going. Yeah, go ahead, click it. All right, I'm booking it. Here we go. I'm bleeding all over the place. Oh, Christ. Close the blood drawer. I'm done. You can't go. There should be a deal where you go up and go. Hi. Hi. My name's John Holmberg. I booked a couple of tickets here with American Airlines. She started bleeding today, the day we're flying. So I'd like that. Wife ruined everything discount. All right. She can't go now, right? No, she's not going with me. That would be awful. We don't want her on the airplane. Yeah, we don't want her out there either. That's like the old Covid days. You can just blame Covid. Can you do that? She's got vaginal Covid. I don't think you want that. No, absolutely not. Let's get You a full refund. I want to go. You can't go. You're ruined. Walk the outskirts of the city. Read the Bible. Weather should give out. The blood drawer index every day. It's very high. It started with that whole getting to five thing. When they're like, look, there's different sizes and with different shapes and different flows. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. John, the blood drawer is full. From Madea. You want to go to Vegas this weekend? Let's go. Yeah. And you can have a friend take their place. I'd like to transfer the blood drawer ticket to my friend John. He's here now. He's with me, and he can't bleed. He's gonna be more fun than this. We can't go to the pool. Got cramps. Oh, God. Monday Night Football at the Diva cup stadium. Yeah. Oh, God. If they start sponsoring men's stuff. I know. I guess I could try with my hands. Yeah. You know what? I'm gonna go ahead and cancel your part of the trip. I'm going to Italy alone. Brett, you want to go meet your family? Hell, yeah. Good. Just kicking for half because we're getting a menstrual discount. I don't know. I think mentally you guys hate everything about going on vacation with us because, you know, we're whipping it out. You know we're whipping it out. Yeah. I, for one, have got like, I for years. You just turn down vacation sex. You turn it down. Turn it down. Nope. Not interested. Why? Just not interested. I don't want to be that couple that does vacation, birthday, holiday sex only. I don't want you to be excited about this. You have to get excited at home before I can pay for you to. It's basically prostitution. I don't want you to be a prostitute. I paid for this great big vacation, and now you're in her. No, we're done here. I have plenty of friends who say she loves it when you go on vacation. Like. Yeah. Does she do it at home? No, it's pretty dry at home. Yeah. So make it so she's not a prostitute. You're making her a prostitute. You have to pay an exorbitant amount of money to get her interested in you. Don't do it. We should fanduel that our next vacation, See how many. How many hits bleed. They all will. I think they lie about it. I mean, you got a one in four chance they know. We're not going to check. You won't make any money. Mine will be about minus 2000 maybe something like that. Yours is a guarantee. Yeah, I think they're all. Nobody's going. Plus, there's no money making. There's no girl who's been like, gosh, every vacation. I just. It doesn't happen. The worst ones are like, you're like, you got a big trip planned. You're like, oh, this will be fine. Everything's gonna be. I started early. Why? Because you're trying to do this. You're. I saw you grunting in the kitchen. You did this on purpose. As soon as you hear, book it. Now it's done. Once she hears the click, click, then it's just like, all right, open floodgate five. Let's get this thing gushing. Pilot to Megan, what date is the first of the vacation? It's June 3rd. All right, we'll get the blood flowing that day. My app says I'm supposed to be done on Memorial Day and I haven't even started. That's cause you're starting on June 3rd. Nice job. Nice job. Keep the dream alive, sister. I'm broken. New ad campaign for Expedia. The bloodnoid. Yeah, a little blood droplet goes. Hey, have I ruined your vacation the last year? A discount Travelocity should have that. These are the price lines of William. Check. I took her on vacation, but she started bleeding all over the place. Priceline. Get your money back for a bloody. Protect your vacation. Get some bloody insurance with your next ticket. You have to. And I'd like to buy the bloody insurance. Of course, sir. It's an American Airlines trip overseas for $45. We'll. We'll give you half off if she starts bleeding. All we need is a full diva cup at the check in. Oh, trust me, it'll be full. And of course her cage and dismissal papers will be ready. I'm not even supposed to start for two more weeks, but anyway. I love Australia. That was the worst news I've ever gotten on a goddamn United airlines thing on LAX's Runway to Sydney. Sixteen and a half hours. I'm like, well, at least it's vacation. Everybody's going to be happy and free. I get to. Look, I hate to tell you this. What? I got cramps on the plane. Is it something you ate? No. You know what I mean. So today's out. We're going to fly for 20 hours and then tomorrow. How long are you supposed to go? Six and a half of the 14 days were cramps, then light spotting. Nothing was comfortable. Like, how bad is. Is physical activity with me that you're you're willing to fake it for 14 days? We're kayaking. We're. We're. We're hiking mountains. We're swimming in the ocean. Get back to the room. Oh, I couldn't possibly do anything. My stomach. I'm like, wow, you just kayaked four miles. My dick is too much for you to overcome, Sir Edmund Hillary. You just climbed a mountain, but my wang is just out of the question. Man, does this feel funny. It's. I think I've got endometriosis. Just yesterday you caught endometriosis. You can catch that now. That's a catch when it comes to vacation. Yeah, I got it on the plane. I think I catch it every time I get on a plane. Plane flights make my hurt. Okay, I know. At least you got on the plane. I get it right when I hit book. Oh, my God, she can feel it. She's in the kitchen just side eyeing you. We're going. What's wrong? I need my ovaries ripped out, balled up on the floor. Should we not go to San Diego or what? What happened? Oh, the girls want to play tennis, but you couldn't walk a second ago. Yeah, that's because you wanted to have sex with me. I don't understand what's going on. Marriage. Arizona's most powerful, powerful rock radio station. Hey, everybody, it's John Holmberg here from the morning sickness, and I'm hanging out with my friend Shane Orlando from Orlando Auto Body. So many locations, so many places to visit him. He's got you surrounded, and you can check it out@orlandoautobody.com. shane, you were telling me about something. Just tell people what you were talking about. Yeah, I just wanted to share with with our listeners and our customers that we are now OEM certified. What that means is we've been trained by a lot of the OEMs, so we are now OEM certified. Orlando Auto Body, they got you covered in any sort of situation you get into with your car. And also remember, lifetime warranty on all repairs. All you got to do is go to orlandoautobody Dot. All right, HMS Podcast time again. I'll let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Head to the Desert Ridge Improv on the north end of town to catch the comedy of Ron Funches and Joe Mackey, East Siders at the Tempe Improv. You've got David Nyhill and Andy Huggins from agt. And downtown at Stand Up Live, it's the incomparable JB smooth. For the complete lineups and for Tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com.