01-23-25 - BR - THU - Story On Spider Weight Sparks Discussion Of The Weight Of People In Africa Vs US - Avg Person Hasn't Changed Pizza Order In 2yrs - Velveeta Coming Out w/To Go Size Travel Packs

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona
Episode Summary: January 23, 2025
Host: John Holmberg
Co-Hosts: Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo
Release Date: January 23, 2025

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1. The Weight Debate: America vs. Africa

The episode kicks off with a humorous yet thought-provoking debate on whether the total weight of the American population surpasses that of the entire African continent. The hosts engage in a light-hearted discussion, calculating and challenging each other's numbers.

• Brady: "What do you think weighs more, America or all of Africa?" [06:43]
• Toledo: "The entire continent, 1.373 billion." [07:16]
• Brady: "African average weight is 63 pounds. Average American 365. Pretty sure we got them." [07:45]
• Toledo: "It's America that outweighs Africa with our larger population." [09:04]

Despite the comedic approach, the segment highlights the vast differences in population sizes and average weights, ultimately leaning towards America having a greater total weight due to its population density and average body weight.

2. Pizza Preferences: Stagnant Tastes in America

Shifting gears, the hosts delve into the topic of pizza, revealing that the average American hasn't changed their pizza order in two years. They explore regional preferences, with a spotlight on Arizona's penchant for meat lover's pizzas and the surprising inclusion of pineapple as a topping.

• Josh Wolf: "The average person hasn't changed their pizza order in two years." [16:26]
• Brady: "Arizona's number one is the meat lovers. I'd throw pineapple on half for myself." [17:02]
• Toledo: "Pepperoni and pineapple is way better than Hawaiian." [17:40]

This segment underscores the resistance to change in food preferences, while also celebrating the adventurous spirit of some listeners who embrace unconventional toppings.

3. Velveeta's Innovative "Vel to Go" Cheese Wallets

In a spotlight on food product innovations, the hosts discuss Velveeta's latest release: single-serving packets of Velveeta cheese designed as a portable condiment solution. Dubbed "Vel to Go," these packets are compared to a "cheese wallet," allowing consumers to carry cheese conveniently for spontaneous snacking.

• Josh Wolf: "Velveeta is coming out with a new product, limited edition. It's Vel to go, single serving packets of Velveeta cheese that you can carry around as a condiment." [19:18]
• Ralphie May: "Like a stick of gum. You guys want some cheese? I got like a Wrigley's pack of 20." [19:46]
• Brady: "A cheese wallet. My brain doesn't." [23:35]

The segment playfully critiques the practicality of the product while acknowledging its novelty, sparking laughter and banter among the hosts.

4. Spiders vs. Humans: A Surprising Comparison

Josh Wolf presents startling statistics about spiders, claiming that the total biomass of spiders could theoretically consume all humans in a year. The hosts humorously debate the accuracy and implications of these figures.

• Josh Wolf: "There are 25 million tons worth of spiders on the earth right now. They could eat every single human on the planet in one year." [05:56]
• Brady: "Wow. I'm going to take your word for that." [06:30]
• Toledo: "According to a new report in Fortune Magazine..." [06:43]

While the data may be exaggerated for comedic effect, the discussion invites listeners to ponder the ecological impact of spider populations.

5. The Grossest Foods Globally: From Silkworms to Blood Pancakes

The hosts explore the "Taste Atlas" ranking of the 100 grossest foods in the world, sharing and reacting to some of the most unusual and unappealing delicacies.

• Josh Wolf: "Deep fried silkworms seasoned with salt and pepper from Thailand." [17:26]
• Brady: "Jellied eels in England, dating back to the 1700s. The flavor is unique and unpleasant." [18:57]
• Toledo: "Black pudding made with reindeer blood in Scotland." [18:54]

This segment provides a mix of fascination and disgust, highlighting cultural differences in culinary practices and challenging listeners to broaden their gastronomic horizons.

6. Personal Anecdotes: Brady's Embarrassing School Incident

Brady shares a deeply personal and humorous story from his school days involving an unfortunate incident where he accidentally soiled his sweatpants during basketball practice. The tale is recounted with vivid detail, eliciting sympathy and amusement from both hosts and listeners.

• Brady: "I was dumping my pooed sweats out and had to hide in the bathroom, crying because the soccer team stopped practice early." [28:05]
• Toledo: "You didn't make your mom wash those, did you? You threw them away." [27:32]
• Brady: "I had to take them because I didn't have clothes with me. I was covered in feces." [28:05]

The story not only serves as a comedic highlight but also fosters a sense of relatability and camaraderie among the hosts.

7. Current Events and Local News

The episode also touches on recent news stories, including an assault at a wedding and a surviving tortoise named Rocky from a California fire. These topical discussions are interspersed with the hosts' characteristic humor.

• Josh Wolf: "Clifton Eugene Greenfield stabbed a relative over a television remote argument at a wedding. He's now on the run." [13:07]
• Brady: "There's a tortoise, Rocky, who survived a fire by retreating to his burrow." [12:26]

These snippets provide a mix of serious news and lighthearted updates, maintaining the show's balance between information and entertainment.

8. Closing Remarks: Maintaining the Show's Energy

As the episode wraps up, the hosts continue their playful exchanges, sharing video clips and preparing for future segments while maintaining their signature lively and humorous atmosphere.

• Brady: "That's enough. We'll just keep it classy." [31:33]
• Josh Wolf: "Josh Wolf was here to see that. He's going to join us in just a little bit." [32:17]

The closing underscores the dynamic and engaging nature of the show, leaving listeners eagerly anticipating future episodes.

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Conclusion:
This episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness masterfully blends humor, personal stories, and intriguing discussions on diverse topics ranging from population weight statistics to innovative food products. The hosts' chemistry and witty banter create an entertaining and engaging listening experience, ensuring that both regular listeners and newcomers find value and amusement in tuning in.

Transcript

[John Holmberg]

All right, HMS Podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Get out to the Tempe Improv on the east side to see Paul Versey on Thursday and Beth Stelling Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. The Desert Ridge Improv up north features Sarah Weinschenk this Thursday and Joe Derosa on Friday and Saturday. And downtown at Stand Up Live, check out the very funny Lil Rel performing Friday, Saturday and Sunday for the complete lineups. And for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com it's John Holberg here for.

[Brady]

The amazing people at the Core Institute, life can throw you a curveball now and again. One day you're trucking along, feeling great. Next day your dog smashes into your head and knocks you cold. Or like a KUPD listener told me this week, his dog did a sprint across the backyard directly into the side of his wife's leg and blew her knee up. She needed that need to get fixed and fixed right? Two years later, she's running like she used to again. And it's all thanks to the Core Institute. I went through it, too. And you can get rid of your pain and start saying, yes, I can to all the things you want to do. And. And all you have to do is trust the experts at the Core Institute head there right now. The Core Institute dot com.

[Toledo]

You thought that was funny?

[Brady]

You were laughing like a hyena when he said it.

[Brett]

What the hell is wrong with you?

[Brady]

I just got an email from a guy who introduced me to something called bare nuts. B A R E nuts. And it's like Nair for your downstairs. And then there's another one for your bottom. Clean out that area. And I just ordered both. 71 bucks, I think I got.

[Dick]

We expect a full report.

[Brady]

I'll give you one, I think, and maybe some photos before and after. Hey, what.

[Josh Wolf]

What's this?

[Brady]

Is this Bin Laden upside down? And now it's. What the hell?

[Dick]

Is that Telly Savalas now?

[Brady]

Yeah, now I got Kojak down.

[Toledo]

Bin Laden upside down.

[Brady]

So it was 71 bucks. I don't know if I ordered one. I have a problem with quantities, and I always. I think I did it right, so. But 71 bucks seemed a little heavy. Bear nuts.

[Toledo]

Huh?

[Brady]

B A R E nuts. And then at the end it says, you want the ass stuff, too? And I'm like, well, I'm down there.

[Toledo]

Why wouldn't I?

[Brady]

Why can't use one on the other they're two different.

[Josh Wolf]

That's what I'm wondering.

[Brady]

I'm not taking any chances. They say there's a chemical. My butt doesn't like that. My balls do. I'm going to believe them. They're the scientists. So this Brady report is brought to you by Bear Nuts. That's how we'll run it today. Brady reported.

[Josh Wolf]

Good Thursday morning, Chief Phoenix. Hello, world. Happy National Handwriting Day.

[Brady]

Oh, God. I'm sorry, Brady. It's tough day. And Brett, this is like the Holocaust for you. It's like you don't want to remember any of that. Yeah, Brett too. Brett's is awful. Somehow or another one. Brett types. It's bad. His handwriting's so bad it doesn't even print well on a computer. Bleeds over into his typing.

[Josh Wolf]

The reason why it's on January 23rd.

[Brady]

Easiest to write.

[Josh Wolf]

It's John Hancock's birthday.

[Brady]

Oh.

[Josh Wolf]

Probably is the most well known term for. Put your old John Hancock on that.

[Dick]

That's been 70s. Give me the old John.

[Josh Wolf]

It's amazing. That's in the 70s or whatever. How long is it?

[Brady]

Well, it's been longer. It's been longer since the 70s.

[Josh Wolf]

I don't know of anyone else's name.

[Toledo]

He meant this because that's what it means.

[Brady]

Oh, 1770s.

[Toledo]

Yeah, he meant 1770s, but.

[Josh Wolf]

But the term, like Brett was saying.

[Brady]

It was already established because of him.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah.

[Brady]

When he crammed his name all over the declaration, like, Jesus, Hancock, leave room for someone else, jackass. Everybody had to scribble around it like he took up the whole page.

[Dick]

It was like when Trump was signing his executive orders.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Toledo]

Just huge.

[Brady]

In fact, that's the rumors that after he signed it, the next guy said, all right, nice job, Hancock. And then he goes, all right, who wants to put their Hancock on this? And that's how it started.

[Josh Wolf]

A couple other baseless fun facts. The oldest known living land animal is Jonathan. Seychelles giant tortoise.

[Brady]

Careful.

[Josh Wolf]

It lives in St Helena, a British island in the South Atlantic. Jonathan is thought to be 192 years old with a hatching date of no later than 1832.

[Brady]

Wow.

[Josh Wolf]

Video Jonathan. People in Costa Rica only allowed to drive six days a week to cut down on traffic and pollution. The last digit on your license plate dictates what day you're allowed on the road.

[Brady]

You're only allowed which day you're not allowed. Okay. I was gonna say that would be very confusing when.

[Josh Wolf]

Years ago. That was in the 80s. 80s when I was in Greece. It was two days out of the Week that you were not allowed on the road. So many cars in the city of Athens. Not a single NBA player has ever had the jersey number 69.

[Toledo]

All right, so the visuals on the box of your hair cream.

[Brady]

Hold on. I need to hear more of this thing. We'll get to the bare nuts in a second. Brady Stats about 69 in the NBA. Why?

[Josh Wolf]

Don't know.

[Brady]

Children, that's why. Because you're all children.

[Josh Wolf]

Is it too hard to call out the foul like it was.

[Brady]

No, no.

[Josh Wolf]

For the. To put the hand.

[Brady]

No referees, because you'd act like a child if everybody else was number 7, 10, 23. And then 69 went out there like, I know what he's doing.

[Josh Wolf]

Well, they got it in football.

[Brady]

Football is from zero to 99. There's tons of 60s. It's like, it's not unusual to see a number 60 something in football. In baseball and in basketball, you'd be.

[Toledo]

Like, come on, 53 on an active roster and another 12 on the practice.

[Brady]

Yeah, but that doesn't mean. But the numbers go all the way from 0 to 100. In basketball, they don't. If you were in the 60s, you'd be doing it on purpose to be a dick. So they had to stop them because everybody acts like an immature baby. That's why.

[Josh Wolf]

If you need a new nightmare fodder. There are 25 million tons worth of spiders on the earth right now. That's based. And based on the amount that they eat, in theory, they could eat every single human on the planet in one year.

[Brady]

Nice.

[Josh Wolf]

Spiders in the world consume somewhere between 400 million and 800 million tons of prey every year, while the. All the humans on earth weigh around 300 million tons.

[Brady]

Wow. I'm going to take your word for that.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah, we got to be over that now.

[Brady]

There's a. Like in Helsinki, there's a number that Earth scales like, Jesus, America. Knock it off.

[Toledo]

Somebody comes into the country, the scale goes up.

[Josh Wolf]

According to a new report in Fortune.

[Brady]

Magazine, What do you think weighs more, America or all of Africa? America, you think?

[Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady]

How many people are in the continent of Africa?

[Toledo]

All right, hang on.

[Brady]

I wonder if we outweigh Africa. Is there a Google search of what does Africa weigh? What are the people of Africa weigh? It would just give you an average per person.

[Josh Wolf]

You'd have to come.

[Brady]

Oh, how many people live in Africa? It's got to be a billionaire.

[Toledo]

The entire continent, 1.373 billion.

[Josh Wolf]

I'm going to Africa.

[Brady]

No, I think we outweigh them.

[Toledo]

I. I'm Kind of.

[Brady]

Because there's like nine countries where nobody weighs more than 25 pounds.

[Toledo]

All right, do some math.

[Brady]

So if you do know, on average the average African weighs 63 pounds. I've seen that on TV. Okay, we'll go with average American 365. Pretty sure we got them.

[Toledo]

I'm sorry, what was the weight for the africans again?

[Brady]

About 65 pounds.

[Toledo]

65 pounds. Okay, 65, give or take.

[Brady]

High, low. I'm gonna put it at 65.

[Toledo]

It gives us.

[Brady]

And that's. And people are laughing. Children, you know, you start looking at right now what the weight currently is and babies. And of the one point, some billion. Bunch of them are old, bunch of them are babies. Loads of them are starving. So you got probably on average weights about 75 pounds.

[Toledo]

Okay, so couch this one away at 65 pounds. The entire continent of Africa weighs 89,245,000,000 pounds. Okay, so stock that one away and then how many. What's the population of us?

[Brady]

We'll say 370.

[Toledo]

370. Okay, and what was the average weight? You said average?

[Brady]

Looking around the room? 525.

[Josh Wolf]

If you're serious.

[Brady]

No, pretty. You think I'm serious? No.

[Ralphie May]

Recalculate.

[Josh Wolf]

Well, no, I'm curious.

[Brady]

No, I would say the average. Average weight of Americans, 112 pounds.

[Josh Wolf]

So that's.

[Toledo]

I think it's higher, Bob, but we'll go 112.

[Brady]

I don't think 12.

[Dick]

It's got to be higher than that.

[Brady]

Well, kids, old people.

[Josh Wolf]

So you're saying that the. You're saying that it's doubled what, Africa? Yes, because you're averaging.

[Brady]

Because you know why?

[Toledo]

We've got 25% of their population. We've got half of their weight.

[Brady]

I'll tell you this. There's no show on African tlc. Of my thousand pound sisters, we're the only place brewing that. So on the reg. And there's no show of. The doctor didn't have any of those. Probably, but not like we do. We have. We have a whole. There's a doctor who's got a series of. Taking care of.

[Toledo]

That guy's just little.

[Brady]

He's done Iranian, dude. He's great.

[Toledo]

Well, he's just so frank.

[Brady]

He's perfect, but every day he sees a new thousand pound person and none of them have an accent.

[Toledo]

You're going to die.

[Ralphie May]

You keep it up, you're going to die. What are you doing?

[Josh Wolf]

Oh, what it come out to if.

[Brady]

It was at half?

[Toledo]

Yeah. £470 billion or £47 billion.

[Brady]

Pretty good.

[Toledo]

So we're half of their weight, but.

[Brady]

We'Re a quarter of their population. Half of their weight. That's terrible. Hit the treadmill.

[Josh Wolf]

U.S. a site called Wed Society asked thousands of vendors across the U.S. to predict the top wedding trends of 2025. Number one, wedding content creator.

[Brady]

Wow.

[Josh Wolf]

So not only are you getting a photographer.

[Brady]

Content creator.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah. They're both basically posting your pictures, doing all the social.

[Brady]

That's dumb.

[Toledo]

You made me think of it, John. But how many grams of protein are in a cat?

[Brady]

You think in a cat?

[Dick]

I'm not going there.

[Brady]

I'm standing around Africa. That's not right. Reggie texts me, he goes, dude, we've doubled up Africa. I said, even the kids here are beanbags now.

[Dick]

That's what I'm saying.

[Brady]

Yeah. It's gonna be tough to find the average kid to be under 100 pounds by fifth grade.

[Dick]

They don't have Fortnite and PlayStations over there.

[Brady]

They're running from animals. Right.

[Toledo]

You know what I've never seen, John? The African version of cake. Or fake.

[Brady]

You know what else they don't have in Africa? Kids cook off. They do, but they're cooking kids. Homebirds.

[Toledo]

Morning sickness.

[Josh Wolf]

Disgusting.

[Brady]

They say things that are horrible.

[Brett]

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[Toledo]

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[Josh Wolf]

A little another tortoise story. I don't know if you heard about this. But from the fire in Altadena, California, this tortoise, Rocky survived. The people had him in the backyard. He's over a hundred pounds. And he went to his burrow which was three feet below the ground. The fire took shelled up and everything. And it survived.

[Brady]

The went subterranean. Yep, that's the answer. Smart little turtle. Basement. They went back and he's in there going, what the. Oh geez, my button.

[Josh Wolf]

The police in Brian's Road, Maryland are looking for a guy. The whereabouts. The guy's name is Clifton Eugene Greenfield. He's 50 years old. He has an active warrant charging him with first degree assault. On January 10th, Greenfield stabbed a relative in the head and neck after an argument over the use of the television remote. The victim was transported to the hospital by another relative and treated for severe injuries. He's going to survive. But they can't find Clifton. They're looking for one armed man, about 6 foot 220 pounds.

[Brady]

Search every hour.

[Josh Wolf]

Missing his left arm.

[Brady]

Mrs. Left Arm. Got Harrison Ford on the job. Clifton average foot speed of the American man is three miles an hour. Research every doghouse, outhouse, handhouse. What are you waiting for? Is this that. We were looking for him.

[Josh Wolf]

He is, yeah, it's on the lamb.

[Toledo]

Oh, somebody's trumped our research.

[Brady]

Yeah, I got that guy.

[Toledo]

According to Google, the average weight.

[Brady]

Did you get that in the USA? 176 pounds.

[Toledo]

Well, this guy says 132, but he says recalculate.

[Brady]

You need to add 20. 32 is Africa. Africa's average weight is 132 pounds. America's 176.

[Toledo]

Oh, this guy has it backwards. Then he says American is 132 pounds.

[Brady]

No, we're fat.

[Toledo]

And all the textures. Yeah, we're factoring in the crank size.

[Brady]

We're fat. That's all there is to it.

[Josh Wolf]

52 year old mark Rohrer was at a wedding at a country club in Florida last Saturday. When he's waiting in line for some prime rib. Man in front of him allowed his young daughter and another girl to join him in the line. Mark was furious because they were caught cutting in front of him. So Mark started shouting at the other man who ignored him. Didn't stop there. He walked over to the guy and hit him over the head with a plate.

[Brady]

Jeez.

[Josh Wolf]

Plate shattered. Then it started a scuffle with multiple guests. Someone called the police. Mark was arrested and charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon. In the police report, one witness confirmed that he saw the large bald man Strike the slimmer man on the head with a plate. For the record, it was a dry wedding, so it wasn't like nobody was drunk.

[Brady]

Well, he.

[Josh Wolf]

Was not getting the prime rib. Here's his mug shot.

[Brady]

I got drunk at a dry wedding, which is. This dude is a human thumb. He's just a face on a thumb. Nice triple neck.

[Toledo]

Were you looked down upon for drinking.

[Brady]

At the dry wedding or nobody knew?

[Toledo]

Oh, nice.

[Brady]

Had a flask. Me and about eight other people.

[Toledo]

Hot dog head.

[Brady]

He's got definite hot dog head. By the way, Africa's number one show I just got that is called Guys Grocery Squid games. Find the apple. You have one.

[Toledo]

Another one said, john, isn't everything in Africa the worst cooks?

[Brady]

Oh, yeah. Worst cooks ever. Dirt stew and a root make something.

[Josh Wolf]

The average person hasn't changed their pizza order in two years. I pulled a bunch of Americans on that and found a. Most likely. Midwesterners have a reputation of being the least experimental with food of all the 50 states. Michigan is the state least likely to spice up their pizza order.

[Brady]

Why would you.

[Josh Wolf]

You know what you like?

[Brady]

Yeah. You like a certain pizza. Why would you.

[Josh Wolf]

Arizona's number one is the meat lovers. According to this, my pizza is always.

[Dick]

The same, but if there's something else, I'll try it, but I'm not ordering.

[Brady]

If I go to your house and you order the pizza, you like to be like, what do you got on there? And you'd be like, anchovies and sadness. Because it's an Italian pizza. I don't know what you get on it. What do you get on yours?

[Dick]

Sausage, green peppers.

[Brady]

I'd eat that. You.

[Josh Wolf]

I'm all right with that. Usually pepperoni, mushroom.

[Brady]

Yeah. It's pretty much where I go. I'll throw pineapple on half for myself.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah, I like pineapple. Pepperoni.

[Toledo]

Pepperoni. And pineapple is a solid, solid grab.

[Brady]

Yep. I'd eat it all here. And that's the only reason I know I like pineapple on pizza. I was at somebody else's house, and let's try it. I'm like, okay. And it was like, jesus, this is great. But I don't. Why mix up your pizza order? I don't know. You're just gonna be disappointed if you're wrong that you didn't get the one you liked.

[Toledo]

To me, pepperoni and pineapple is way better than Hawaiian.

[Brady]

What's just hams?

[Toledo]

Yes.

[Josh Wolf]

A little more spice to it. Yeah.

[Brady]

I just. I'll eat either of those.

[Josh Wolf]

The site taste Atlas ranked the 100 grossest foods in the world based on tourist reviews. Someone that made the list. Toledo. You might have had this. Deep fried silkworms?

[Toledo]

Nope.

[Josh Wolf]

Seasoned with salt and pepper.

[Toledo]

Nope.

[Josh Wolf]

Thailand.

[Toledo]

I've. I've seen it on street food though.

[Brady]

But silkworms?

[Toledo]

Yeah.

[Josh Wolf]

Speed.

[Brady]

Is that my people?

[Dick]

What is that?

[Josh Wolf]

Just half a sheep's head boiled and served with mashed potatoes in Iceland.

[Brady]

Oh, Iceland or Scotland.

[Toledo]

So they banned your people made the list.

[Brady]

Yeah, of course we did. Our food's the worst. The Swedes are the worst.

[Toledo]

What do you call it?

[Brady]

The Pukakorv? Luke Fisk.

[Josh Wolf]

Well, there's all awful blood pulpit. It's dumplings with reindeer blood. That's in Sweden and Finland. Then there's the number one is blood pancakes. Those are pancakes made with onions, spices and reindeer blood.

[Toledo]

What's the blood thing? In Scotland, don't they make something out of blood?

[Josh Wolf]

That's blood. Black pudding.

[Brady]

Black pudding.

[Josh Wolf]

Jellied eels. It's an old school street food in England dating back to the 1700s. The flavor is described as unique and unpleasant.

[Brady]

Give me more of that. Is that on the menu? Unique and unpleasant?

[Josh Wolf]

Sour curry made with fish entrails.

[Brady]

All right, that's enough.

[Josh Wolf]

Another one in Thailand.

[Brady]

People are eating.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah, people are. Let's. Let's get them back on track here. Velveeta is gonna. They're coming out with a new product, limited edition. It's Vel to go, which are single serving packets of Velveeta cheese that you can carry around as a condiment. It's like a sliced cheese wallet.

[Dick]

That weight number we came up with.

[Brady]

To push that up to 205. Thanks.

[Ralphie May]

Hi, Brady. What's up? Ralphie May here just let you know I was tired of you talking about silkworms and crack and blood and all that. Now we're cooking you just little Velveeta slices in every pocket of your suit in case a sandwich breaks out. You don't have enough cheese, Pull out a single.

[Josh Wolf]

Like a stick of gum.

[Ralphie May]

That's right, Freddie. Like a stick of gum. You guys want some cheese? I got like. Like a Wrigley's pack of 20.

[Josh Wolf]

Yep.

[Ralphie May]

Oh, that's good stuff. That's hot garbage. To think you would walk around this earth without that for this many years.

[Toledo]

Ralphie. That phrase. In case a sandwich breaks.

[Ralphie May]

In case a sandwich breaks out. Too late. You don't understand.

[Toledo]

Pretty solid.

[Ralphie May]

You never know what happens. The sandwich just shows up like, God damn. Where's my cheese at? Oh, it's in my pocket. I carry around lasagna Ingredients just in case.

[Toledo]

Is that a sandwich over there?

[Ralphie May]

Brady understands. He's got a. That whole. Whatever that cacophony of clothes he has on this morning. He's hiding cheese in them. Them leaves is hiding cheese.

[Josh Wolf]

You can get [e-mail] for $5.91. It's limited.

[Ralphie May]

I gotta ask you something about that sweatshirt, though. Brady is the one black guy in your neighborhood have a garage sale? What happened?

[Josh Wolf]

That's who I bought it from.

[Toledo]

Well, I thought it was camouflage. It's not even.

[Ralphie May]

No, it's not. It's like some sort of African jungle. If I don't. If I think. If you read the tag, it says bell Biv to hell no. All right, I gotta get.

[Josh Wolf]

See you later.

[Ralphie May]

See you guys.

[Brady]

Anyway, you got videos?

[Josh Wolf]

I got a couple of pretty videos.

[Brady]

Knock them out right now.

[Josh Wolf]

There we go.

[Brady]

There we go.

[Josh Wolf]

This is the halftime performance at a Mexican event. I'm not sure if it's rodeo.

[Brady]

Halftime of Mexico. Yeah, Mexico. Mexico. It's like it's entered the halfway. Oh, geez. They're just shooting a flamethrower at people. Pretty much.

[Toledo]

It's hard. They're not shooting a flamethrower.

[Brady]

Oh, and the guy just jumps through the fire for no reason. He's burning to death. He's on fire. This is how you got to get across the border now. Leap our wall of fire.

[Josh Wolf]

We make it, though.

[Brady]

We want you. Oh, my God. What kind of squid games are they doing down there in Mexico?

[Toledo]

Dios mio is right.

[Ralphie May]

Adios mio.

[Brady]

Disgusting. They say things that are Horrib Holmberg's. Morning sickness and squiggamas. I don't know how to say games in Spanish. I made that up.

[Josh Wolf]

Next one. I mean, man, this is in Texas, I pretty sure, because there's the. The state of Texas on the fence.

[Brady]

Yep. Not the whole state. Just a picture of it.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah. Yeah. But I don't know why they do this. This is the. We've seen numerous bull riding videos. This one, you're. You're tied down. You can't get off the bull.

[Brady]

He's got a concussion. He got off the bull all right.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah.

[Brady]

And now he's on the ground, totally passed out. And. Yes, spinal injury. Let's. Let's move him around as much as we can. Hastily grab him by the spine and drag him to the side. That's great. Martinez Bucking bulls is what. If you want to look that up, you can rent Martinez Bucking Bull. I don't understand why people do that.

[Toledo]

Still It's a living.

[Brady]

Couldn't you take Velveeta cheese singlets and put them in your pocket for years? Why did you have to be told that there's a. Now, are they cutting them in half so they slide easier?

[Josh Wolf]

They. They said they come in little packets of four. The four slices in a package. Yeah, it's like a wallet. It's like a cheese wallet.

[Brady]

I understand that. Honestly, to me, I don't. I still don't understand. It's like a cheese wallet. My brain doesn't. John.

[Josh Wolf]

I don't take Kevin. I don't take cheese on the road.

[Brady]

What's a cheese wallet?

[Josh Wolf]

A cheese wallet. Well, the size of it is.

[Brady]

So it's the size of a wallet.

[Josh Wolf]

And what they. What I saw was a picture. They gave an example. I put it in the back pocket.

[Brady]

Cheese in your back pocket.

[Josh Wolf]

Four slices, ready to go.

[Brady]

Kill yourself. You are.

[Dick]

Slowly.

[Brady]

Oh, no. Do it fast. A cheese wallet.

[Toledo]

Here's the image search.

[Brady]

And you said that smiling like this was a. Like somebody just told you about television for the Philo Farnsworth's.

[Ralphie May]

Little kid down the street made tv.

[Brady]

No big deal.

[Ralphie May]

This other guy invented the cheese wallet. And keep my money in it and eat it later.

[Josh Wolf]

Is that it? Right? Oh, no, that's a different.

[Brady]

It says cheese wallet on that. Yeah, but that's. I think, a real wallet that looks of cheese. This is just pathetic.

[Dick]

Just hang yourself.

[Brady]

Just kill yourself. That's enough. All right, Brett, what do you got?

[Josh Wolf]

All right, it's no sauce moto.

[Brady]

No sauce moto. Serve a purpose. Carrying cheese in your pocket in case you need cheese.

[Toledo]

How we doing with the sauce?

[Brady]

It's not like it helps diabetes or anything. Like, sometimes they have to carry around, like, a snack in case their sugar gets low. Cheese wallets, just fat guy going, I gotta eat cheese now.

[Toledo]

You think a diabetic could serve with some cheese at the ready?

[Brady]

No, I don't think that helps them. I think they have to have, like, honey on their gums or something. They have to have sugar. Wanting cheese that badly, to have it close to your back, and it's in Velveeta.

[Josh Wolf]

Let me tell you something.

[Brady]

Anytime you reach into your pocket and eat, you got some problems.

[Toledo]

I know one thing for sure, John. That's how we overtake Africa.

[Brady]

We're gonna lay down. We are the. We just have a cheese wallet. Like, instead of the SEAL team.

[Toledo]

We'll catch them in that weight.

[Brady]

Yeah, but if you're, like, starting your day and you're like, you know what? You never know when something bad's gonna happen today when I don't have any cheese. So I just store one of these in my back pocket for a rainy cheese day. Anyway, sorry, Brett, it just doesn't make sense.

[Josh Wolf]

That's all right.

[Dick]

We'll start with this one. This one's basically, like going for a pass.

[Brady]

Oh, there's a butt. And like a. Like a sex birth shot out of there right into the soft hands of Julian Edelman. Oh, my God, what a catch.

[Josh Wolf]

Butt baby.

[Toledo]

What was with the forest?

[Brady]

Wow.

[Dick]

That was another video that was just.

[Brady]

Yeah, look at that. It's a fake infant just came firing out of a gay man's behind.

[Toledo]

W. Wow.

[Dick]

And this one. This one goes back to your story from back in the day when you're wearing the gray sweatpants.

[Brady]

Oh, yeah. Oh, God, the ones where I pooped in them? Yeah. That was an eighth grade basketball. This fat guy taking a dump in his sweatpants.

[Dick]

I guarantee he's got a cheese wallet.

[Brady]

And it's falling down the legs. I'm guessing, like, happened to me. Oh, he's aiming this butt at the camera while.

[Toledo]

What's he doing? Trying to press it through.

[Brady]

Here it comes. See the imprint on the gray sweet sweats of the little finger poking out is where poop maybe. Here it comes. We know. Is he watching the game? What's on tv?

[Toledo]

He's not.

[Josh Wolf]

I think that's in that.

[Brady]

Bill's Ravens. What's he watching? Oh, he's touching. He's touched. Just go to the bathroom. This is what people. Oh, it's a. He's got it all mashed in there now. Good plan with that. It's just a.

[Dick]

There it goes, folks.

[Brady]

It's okay. It's dropping. He's so fat, though. He looks like an elephant in his gray sweatpants. And it tumbles down the legs.

[Dick]

Yeah, that's basically it.

[Brady]

Yeah. Okay.

[Toledo]

Did you have that much weight?

[Brady]

Yes.

[Toledo]

Really?

[Brady]

It was very sick. I thought I was going to fart, and a four pound log exited my body and shot down. Thank God I had elastic bands on the bottom of my. My sweatpants that caught the. The overflow. This thing was huge.

[Josh Wolf]

I thought it was more like diarrhea.

[Brady]

No, it was a full. It was poo. It was a lot. Who knows? No, it mashed into the underwear, but it just was hitting so hard that it started to tumble out of the sides like dumplings. And when I took my sweats off, I'm like, it's all the way to the feet. And I had to Pour them out into the toilet.

[Toledo]

You didn't make your mom wash those, did you? You threw them away.

[Brady]

I put them in a bag, and I hid in the Rhodes Junior High bathroom, crying because the soccer team stopped practice early. And they all came in. I was the only one in there. I was getting away with it.

[Toledo]

Oh, you had to change clothes?

[Brady]

No. Well, it was P.E. oh, it was. It was basketball practice post. It was after. And so I was dumping my. My pooed in sweats out. And I'm like, I'm gonna get away with this. And I was gonna throw them out. I didn't bring clothes with me. They were at my locker. So I was gonna run back to my. But I was covered in feces. And so I had this. And I sat there, and I heard the door open. And the kid that came in, his name was Chad. And I heard him say something first, like, that's Chad. He's cool. I can't. And somebody came and goes, whoa. Because I could smell it. And then the whole soccer team came in there and made a mockery of the deal. And I toweled off as best I could. I put the sweats back on. I had to. I couldn't walk through naked with poop all over my thighs and stuff. Then I walked back to my locker, grabbed my bag of coke. Like, wouldn't give you a towel. He wasn't in there yet. And I had to take. Because I had the poo underpants wadded up in my hands. Put that in my bag. She throws away.

[Ralphie May]

Because I didn't know it, because I couldn't.

[Brady]

So I ran. I wasn't pooing, Brady. That was a terrible incident. And I ran out, tears in my eyes, and ran all the way to where my mom was supposed to pick.

[Josh Wolf]

Me up and sat down in the car. She's like, whoa.

[Brady]

She told me what happened. I'm like, I'm very sick. Yeah. Everybody knew the kid that I had to leave basketball practice with, named Brian, and he goes, are you farting or something? And I'm like, dude, it's bad. And he's like, yeah, it's terrible. As we were walking, he had the coach made him walk me back because I was so, like, ill. Like, I was tipped over. Oh, and a kid named Kane was my partner, and he didn't want to be my partner because I pooped my pants and I tried to get through practice.

[Josh Wolf]

Kane didn't want to be your partner?

[Brady]

All the people involved have passed away. All of them, no joke. Car accidents. One guy died in A small plane crash. Another kid.

[Josh Wolf]

Cursed. Poo.

[Brady]

You want to tell my story? No, let me do it.

[Dick]

Black widow over here.

[Brady]

Yeah. Anyway, brown widow. Really?

[Dick]

Yeah. All right. And. Well, you were sick. Could have been black widow.

[Brady]

It was dark.

[Dick]

There's a accident in the auto shop.

[Brady]

All right. Oh, he's got the lift. He's moved. Oh, here comes the car.

[Dick]

But wait, there's more.

[Brady]

It's like he's at the Jiffy Lube. Second camera angle. Throws his head into the hood of the car. Right into the toolbox. Toolbox, yeah. Oh, it smashed his face.

[Josh Wolf]

It looked like it did. Oh, yeah.

[Brady]

That's all right.

[Toledo]

Wow.

[Brady]

Yeah. That's not good. Yikes.

[Dick]

And let's just.

[Brady]

Why is that guy coming in so hot at the discount tire?

[Dick]

I don't know. Maybe the brakes were out and that's what he was fixing.

[Brady]

Going about 20. If the brakes came in hot, you'd push it. And if the brakes are out, there's some way. I'm gonna try to land this one.

[Dick]

How about some gummy bears?

[Brady]

Oh, not again. All right. Oh, she's.

[Toledo]

Whoa. We saw him give birth to that earlier.

[Brady]

This is a massive gummy bear. Five pound gummy bear toy. And this very attractive blonde is shoving it in her butt. I feel terrible for the gummy bear. And since that works out. It was so cute a second ago. And now its head is in a.

[Toledo]

Woman'S head next to her.

[Brady]

Oh, she's not done.

[Toledo]

She worked her way up.

[Brady]

All right, that's enough. That's not. All right.

[Dick]

Then we'll end with this. This. We'll just keep it classy.

[Brady]

All right.

[Toledo]

Classier than that one.

[Brady]

Thank you.

[Josh Wolf]

Thank you.

[Brady]

We have a standard. We have to. Yeah, Standard is the standard. Oh, she's got something in her. Pumping it up. It's a pump. Oh, she's got a hand pump and it's in her butt and she's expanding it while listening to some terrible K pop. What is that thing? It's a basketball. She had a basketball in her ass like a tetherball. I just.

[Toledo]

Wow.

[Brady]

I'm sure he's commenting. I just turned him down. You can get a basketball in your butt. How about that? There you go. Josh Wolf was here to see that.

[Toledo]

Well, we'll show him.

[Brady]

Josh Wolf is here. He's going to join us in just a little bit.

[Toledo]

He's not gonna be shocked by anything.

[Brady]

No, he likes that stuff. He's probably in a few of these videos. This. This was some of the stuff he was doing for Shark After Dark. Josh Wolf is gonna join us in just moments. He's at the improv this weekend. There goes your Brady Report. It's 98, Arizona's most powerful, powerful rock radio.