01-26-26 - Crappy AFC Champ Game Had John Following Flashing Girl On IG - Minnesota Protests Have Us Feeling Again That Protests Never Work - Asian Woman Is Dating Identical Twins And Has No Regrets Despite What It Makes Us Think

Summary

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Holmberg's Morning Sickness – January 26, 2026

Episode Overview

On this Monday episode of Holmberg’s Morning Sickness, John Holmberg and co-hosts Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo cover a range of raucous and irreverent topics. From John’s miserable, sickly weekend spent doomscrolling and creeping Instagram, to deeply unserious takes on the AFC Championship game, Minnesota protests, and the hilariously weird topic of an Asian woman dating identical twins—this episode is classic HMS: crass, candid, offbeat, and consistently focused on fun over depth.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. John’s Sick Weekend and AFC Championship Game Disappointment

• John’s Recap: John spends much of the weekend sick, medicated, and housebound. Being forced to “veg out” puts him deep in weird thought spirals and odd distractions.

  • “I've been mired in my own yuck since Friday morning… Thursday felt like garbage. Thought I kicked it. Man, oh man, the whole weekend was just... it's living inside me. Yuck.” (01:01)

• Football Talk: With the Seahawks facing the Patriots in a rematch Super Bowl, John and the crew reminisce on the infamous Marshawn Lynch non-handoff moment and poke fun at the ten-year cycle for the Seahawks.

  • “The Seahawks go to the Super Bowl every 10 years, like when a pope is elected.” (03:26)

• AFC Championship Game Critique: The guys hammer the quality of play, describing it as “JV football” and a snooze fest compared to the NFC matchup.

  • “That AFC game was horrible… JV football compared to what I watched last night.” (04:12)
  • The boredom drives John to "full pervert mode"—turning away from the game to browse Instagram models and play a homemade game of freeze-frame "vag fishing".

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2. Instagram Distraction: ‘Vag Fishing’ and Creeper Confessions

• Escaping Boredom: John describes chasing fleeting glimpses of nudity on an Instagram account, taking thousands of screenshots of a Spanish-speaking dancer/influencer (“Only Ju.Retos”). The segment is a meta-comedy on modern internet creepiness.

  • “Thousands of pictures. I can't even tell you how many… she sneaks like through reflections shots of her ass and stuff.” (05:20–05:40)
  • “I'm addicted to vag fishing. I’m calling it. It's like sudoku for perverts.” (15:03, 15:43)

• Mystery vs. Explicitness: John muses that the thrill of the tease has overtaken straightforward porn for some, generating authentic excitement and nostalgia for “the mystery.”

  • “We're tired of porn. No, no, we want it, we want it available, but we're tired of it. The fun of mystery still exists.” (09:01)

• Social Proof: Listeners admit to the same behavior, some using screen recorders for more precision—a technique John laughingly describes as lazy.

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3. Minnesota Protests and the Futility of Outrage

• Protest Critique: The team pivots to the protests in Minnesota, expressing skepticism about their effectiveness, especially in bitterly cold weather.
  • “Nothing would ever bother me so much to go protest in negative zero weather… Being a martyr sucks because you don't get to celebrate any of it.” (16:07)
  • “If ICE is my biggest enemy... the last thing I'm going to do is fight them.” (16:44)
• Cynicism about Outrage: John expresses suspicion that such protests are used as societal distractions from bigger scandals or issues, bemoaning how “choreographed” and predictable culture war moments can feel.
  • “It all seems so choreographed to keep us busy arguing while something else goes on… To me, this seems like, oh geez, let's not tell them we steal all their money constantly. Let's get into race relations.” (17:34)

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4. Need for Humor and Absurdity: The Downfall of Fun Morning Radio

• Radio as Pressure Valve: Holmberg waxes on the importance of irreverent, fun morning radio as an antidote to societal frustration, blaming radio executives for ruining “fun” in cities like Minnesota.
  • “Nobody wakes up in most cities having fun anymore. Like a morning zoo. Doesn't happen... We don't have strife here. The weather and us. I'm putting it on us and Beth and... Bickley and Marata. They're fun. It's light, it's easy.” (23:35)
  • “If they had something fun in the mornings talking about Siamese twins getting thigh pounded, it wouldn't be so angry over there.” (39:05)

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5. Weird News: Asian Woman Dating Identical Twins (“Twin Towers”)

• Story Setup: The crew discusses a viral news story about an Asian woman in Thailand openly dating and sleeping with identical twin brothers, commenting on the memes and jokes it has inspired.
  • “This woman is dating identical twin brothers. And I loved it. Because she's like, look, I'm attracted to one of them. That means I'm attracted to both.” (24:14)
  • “Is this still called the Eiffel Tower or is this now called the Twin Towers?... The south tower has fallen—temporarily needs rehydration!” (24:23)
• Running Jokes: The segment devolves gleefully into crude twin/double entendre humor with 9/11 “Twin Towers” jokes, “triple income household” schemes, and speculation on whether the twins synchronize climaxes.
  • “They finish each other’s sentences—so why not just finish on me?” (29:20)
  • “My favorite 9/11 joke... the South Tower just blasted all over my back.” (29:10)

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6. Twins, Freak Shows, and Conjoined Siblings—Taking Absurdity Further

• Shared Spouses and Twinning Antics: The guys riff on the concept of twins switching partners and fooling spouses, referencing known twins and inventing elaborate twin pranks.
  • “If I had a twin, that's all we'd do… Just go home with no words and start working… They have no idea. I bet all twins do it!” (28:00)
• Conjoined Twin Relationships: The conversation escalates to the moral and practical quandaries of conjoined (“Siamese”) twin marriage and reproduction, with darkly comic asides about animal kingdom “errors,” zoo policies, and eugenics.
  • “I'll go so far as to say... maybe it's funny to bone one, but like getting in a relationship with a Siamese twin? You're the weird one.” (34:47)
  • “That should be like pedophilia... unless you are one. They should only be allowed to mate with each other.” (38:11)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On ‘Vag Fishing’:
  • “I'm addicted to vag fishing. I’m calling it. It’s like sudoku for perverts.” — John Holmberg (15:43)
• On Modern Outrage:
  • “It all seems so choreographed to keep us busy arguing while something else goes on.” — John Holmberg (17:34)
• On Twin Relationships:
  • “They finish each other’s sentences—so why not just finish on me?” — John Holmberg (29:20)
  • “My favorite 9/11 joke now—the South Tower just blasted all over my back.” — John Holmberg (29:10)
• On Radio’s Role:
  • “Nobody wakes up in most cities having fun anymore. Like a morning zoo... If they had something fun in the mornings talking about Siamese twins getting thigh pounded, it wouldn't be so angry over there.” — John Holmberg (39:05)
• On Protest Futility:
  • “Being a martyr sucks because you don't get to celebrate any of it.” — John Holmberg (16:07)
• On Ethics of Conjoined Twin Romance:
  • “If you have a thing for Siamese twins, that should be a jailable offense unless you are one...” — John Holmberg (38:11)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• [01:01] – John’s sick weekend and first NFL discussion
• [03:26] – Seahawks’ 10-year Super Bowl cycle & Pope comparison
• [05:20] – Instagram “vag fishing” as AFC game distraction
• [15:43] – “Sudoku for perverts” philosophy
• [16:07–17:34] – Minnesota protests, martyrdom, and outrage critique
• [23:35] – Blame on radio execs for morning strife
• [24:14–29:20] – Woman dating identical twins, “Twin Towers” jokes
• [34:47–39:05] – Conjoined twins, freak shows, eugenics humor

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Tone & Style

The tone throughout is deeply irreverent, often crude, and intentionally unserious—poking fun at everything from sports and social media obsession to societal outrage and sexual taboos. Holmberg’s comedic style is sarcastic, gleefully inappropriate, and quick to chase bizarre riffs down rabbit holes. The loose, morning-radio banter fosters a sense of camaraderie between the hosts and listeners.

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This summary captures the episode’s high points, outlandish humor, and water-cooler-worthy quotes, perfect for both HMS fans and any new listener seeking the show’s unique blend of comedy, cynicism, and chaos.

Transcript

[John Holmberg]

You're listening to the HMS Podcast, brought to you by MMP Guns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories. Hey, it's Brett Vesely and I'm here with Byron from MMP Guns. Look, Byron, I have a friend wanting to sell some guns he inherited. What's the best way for him to do that? Brett, the last thing you want to do is sell the gun to someone who can't legally own one. Tell him not to put himself at risk and come into M and P.

[Brett Vesely]

Guns where he'll get a fair offer.

[John Holmberg]

And he can rest easy knowing it's.

[Brett Vesely]

Not getting into the wrong hands.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, but what if he lives out of state? Easy. Legalgunbuyer.com and he can do it. It's really that simple. There you have it. MMP Guns or legalgunbuyer.com the safe and legal way to sell your firearms. The playoffs are here, and Hooters just upgraded your game plan. Our beer of the month went from 14 ounces to a massive 25 ounces. Starting at just $4. That's a bigger beer for every kickoff drive and touchdown. And while you're here, load up on wings, burgers and all your favorites. Come in for the playoffs. Stay for the food, the cold beer and non stop football. Plus, every Hooters is giving away an 85 inch smart TV for the big game. Must present to win. Hooters. Come for the football. Stay for everything else. Holmberg's morning sickness. The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail. Good morning, everybody. Hello there. Welcome to Monday. It is 5:45. My name's John. How are you? There's Brady, there's Brett. There's big Dick Toledo. Let's move on, shall we? Have been mired in my own yuck since Friday morning. Trying to, you know. Thursday felt like garbage. Thought I kicked it. Man, oh man, the whole weekend was just. It's living inside me. Yuck. But the good news was I got to lay in a puddle of my own sick for the entire weekend and kind of veg out completely in my own brain. And too much time on your hands, man. It's like when you're sick and you can't, like, get up without hacking up a lung. All you do is think about nonsense the whole time. Dive into everything. Don't turn on the news. If you get the thing I've got. Oh, you start making me feel so much better on anyway. No, no, that's true, too. Brett's right. You start arguing with the tv, you start yelling back at people like, what am I doing? I had that going on. It's beautiful outside. Every time I stood up and tried to take. Oh, oh, oh. I rallied up for dinner on Saturday night and I made it through. And then like within 10 seconds of getting home, I'm lungs just all night. Don't get this thing. It's gross. I'm all medicated up. I got the prednisone. I'm crapping like a goose. It's brutal. Anyway, that's my weekend. It was a great time, but not as good as Mr. Toledo. How about that? The Seattle Seahawks. And good Christ, the New England Patriots are back. The super bowl. That was 10 years ago that that game happened here when Malcolm Butler stole the game away from Pete Carroll and the terrible don't give it to Marshawn lynch call. They have a chance in a decade to redeem themselves. And it's weird. That is a weird thing. 2005 Seahawks, Super Bowl, 2015 Seahawks, Super Bowl, 2025 Seahawks, Super Bowl. That's pretty darn good. So every 10 years, these guys decide.

[Brett Vesely]

When a pope is elected, they're going to.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, and there's that thing too that's floating around on the Internet that every time we get a new Pope, it's been every 10 years so far. I don't know which one it is. The Seahawks go to the super bowl and a new Pope. Usually before, but congrats. And Toledo's beaming. What a great year for sports for Seattle. I mean, Toledo screwed up the whole World Series thing by jinxing it, but they were there. Pretty outrageous. And just by watching, just passing the eye test of football, Seattle should mop up New England. That AFC game was horrible. And I know it was weather related and whatever, I don't, I don't. That was just. That was JV football compared to what I watched last night.

[Brett Vesely]

That feels that way going into it, sure.

[John Holmberg]

The Rams and Seahawks are just much more. I don't know, it looked. It looked professional to college on the level of whatever the hell that thing was I was trying to sit through. And in fact, and AFC Championship game got so boring that I went right back to my new habit of trying to take photos of those quick, hot girl dances. I got to show you guys. I found one girl, I forgot her name.

[Brett Vesely]

Flashing the camera.

[John Holmberg]

The camera flash.

[Brett Vesely]

Just before that, on. On the game.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

Did you feel like with that fourth and four, you kicked a field goal?

[John Holmberg]

It does. One point down, it's seven and nothing and your defense has been doing the job.

[Brett Vesely]

Got a bunch of questions on that.

[John Holmberg]

That's Monday morning quarterback stuff. Yeah, they asked him if he regretted it and all that. It's. Look, your defense has been getting it done. You lost by three and everybody's going to go, why didn't you go for it? It's like, well, we run like the five yard line. We get ahead of this thing. We're not giving up points. It's debatable. Now look at this. This is all my deleted shots. I need a bigger iPhone. It never ended. This was during the AFC championship game.

[Brett Vesely]

Thousands.

[John Holmberg]

Thousands of pictures. I can't even tell you how many. And I. Her name is. You go to onlyju.retos. and she does. Oh, she's amazing because she doesn't do like the quick glimpse shots. She sneaks like through reflections shots of her ass and stuff. And it's killer, man. It's a time filling machine when you can't move. And every time you try to get off the couch, you start hacking up along. I turned into the world's creepiest photographer for the entire weekend and I got some. She's, you know, and it's the weirdest thing. Like sometimes there's just a reflection of her junk. Like she'll squat over like she's got a long man's shirt on. And she. And she goes. She speaks Spanish. I don't know what she's saying. And. And she just like does the thing and then you realize, oh, it's in the. It's in the wood floor. So then you try to find. And it's like, there it is. Like the perfect. Oh, it's. It's perverted beyond perversion. But that's how bad that game was yesterday. I. I'm serious. Look at this breath. It never ends. There's. There's well over 3,000 attempts. It just doesn't stop. It's hilarious. They go to her page. It's great stuff. Oh, some of them are. Yeah. I don't. I bet you I'm over 5,000 on the grounds, right? Yeah. Yep. There's just hundreds and hundred. That's what I was doing my time. What's her name? Oh, geez, you can make me look. That's right. It was. Where is she? Only J u.r e t O S. Don't get into this. And then there's some of them. And then you realize some of it's stupid. Like she'll just. Like you're trying to find the reflective surface because she'll Be in her bathroom, and she goes, like, mira attentione. And I'm paying attention. And then you're looking for, like, little mirrors somewhere that'll be. And she'll, like, move a lipstick, and the top of it is reflective. And then you get a. Like, I don't know, for lack of a better term, a shot of her beef. Better get on it, because she just posted a new one 16 minutes ago. What? 16 minutes ago. Brand new one. We'll be right back. And she's stunning, which is the worst part. Yeah, no, I went full pervert for the AFC Championship game. And then that good game came on, and I didn't do it at all. But.

[Brett Vesely]

See, the. The halves change in that first game, the Bronco game.

[John Holmberg]

I'm not listening to you. I don't care about what you say right now. Us. Well, you know what's crazy about it? Some of her videos you can click on, and it translates her Spanish to English. Oh, really? But her mouth moves. English, US. Well, maybe I've already done it. Yeah, she got that mirror behind her, so you gotta find. There it is. It's right off the bat. Oh, man, I missed. Oh, it's an impossible photo. And then you're like. Most time you're disappointed, but you're just proud. It's fishing. There it is. Yeah, you're gonna miss it. Yeah. Yeah, you're gonna do it. It's. She's quick. She's beautiful, though. And then she does these somersaults on her bed and soccer jerseys and then. Missed it. Yeah, you missed it. I mean, that one's right off the bat. Some of them. She goes right off the bat. Yeah, you're gonna. Yeah. And then you get teased, and then sometimes you're, like, looking. Yeah, you know you missed it. What's the thousands of times you're gonna see? It's addictive. Yep. Yeah. She's outrageous. Yeah, I could do this for. In fact, I did do this for a full day. However long that Denver Patriots game was after. It was seven nothing. And I'm like, this game sucks. Go to the phone for a second. She's the first video. And I'm like, yep, I'm gonna spit. Oh, that one's. The ass is in the mirror behind her when she moves her hair. Boom. Right there. I know that one. Oh, this is where it gets tough because she does reflective surfaces. It's gonna whip fast to the left. You think you're looking in this perfume thing. And then it goes whoop, whoop, like there. And that's it. It's her reflection in the. In the. In the glass. I liked being sick. I liked being sick. This guy says, john, I want to thank you. I thought I was the only one trying to snapshot those kind of pics. I'm not an animal. No, you are not. You are. Look. Look at the views on her pages and stuff. And then she's not the only one. Thousands of dudes trying to get the glimpse. And it's so weird. You know what's funny about it? You know what? It tells me that. And I know this is weird. We're tired of porn. No, no, we want it. We want it available, but we're tired of it. Like, the fun of mystery still exists. Like, getting the. The glimpse is as. Oh, my God. Is so exciting. Compared to. To other stuff. This is a tough one. Yeah, I like her. Now watch this. That one, there's a quick flash right there that she just takes her naked body and leans it into the curtain. I know all of her videos. I think I did all of them. That's a toughie. That's a tough. Oh, good lord. I could listen to her talk for days, too. It's got to be in that compact mirror. Yeah, I don't know. I don't remember that one. And it's a dudes right there. Yeah, yeah, it's the little mirror. Yeah, yeah, it's. Yeah, she's got two mirrors on her counter. Yeah. Oh, that's fun. That's just damn fun. She always says this one thing too.

[Brett Vesely]

In her Deadpool get up.

[John Holmberg]

Well, it's okay, dudes who ask her to do it too. Let's see what I can come up with. How do they do that? Because she's not AI. I'm running out of ideas. Leave me ideas in the comments if you want. They make that like they met a change her. Oh, yeah, there's good stuff in that one. Oh, I want to go. I'm going to go lay on the couch again. This is all. This is my buddy. You guys want to come over and. You guys want to come over and take snapshots real quick? Oh, this is a good one. Does she. She's in a sweater that barely covers her junk. And then she just does like a real quick lift up, if I'm not mistaken on this one. Oh, no, that was the quick flash. It's already over. Oh, you missed it. When she starts talking about the plants in her apartment, she's already done it. Listen to that hold the letter play. She does that one all the time. I don't know what that means. Somebody. And somebody please tell me in Spanish what valet means. That's what I think it means. Oh, that's a great one. So this was the one where she. This is. She's hot. That's why. Poor comfort. How are they doing? Open it. Quick flashes. And you get a shot of it now of her junk. Pay close attention because I can't repeat it much. So good. Did you catch that one? Oh, yeah. I think I got almost all. Oh, no, no. What's. What you see in my phone? All my failures. Oh, okay. Yeah. All my failures. But it is. Yeah. I am addicted to vag fishing. I'm calling it. Find one where she's in a soccer jersey. That watch. Watch this. She puts on some guy's soccer kit and then she gets off the bed and does a somersault. You gotta time it just right. Tres, dos, uno. Here we go. Watch back. You gotta stop it. And then. Yeah, you missed it. Something, something. Check out homework's morning sickness [e-mail] you.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[John Holmberg]

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[Brett Vesely]

Good times.

[John Holmberg]

It was pretty good. It Looks like good times. He's as good as I've seen, for sure. Anybody can post pictures of their cans and make me work for it. Not emotionally. Just say, look, I'm gonna show you my boobs. It's just whether or not you catch it. That's a fantastic girl. We both have the same agenda here. Yeah, she's hot. All right. Brett's gonna see. Brett's on it. Now. You're. You're gone. We lost him. He gone. Y. There's a few of those that are just frustrating, like the lipstick caps and things like that. All right, turn it off, Brad. I'll do this for days.

[Brett Vesely]

That's a good one.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Oh, they're all good ones. I didn't see any. I'm like, what a disappointment. Yeah. This guy says, you've made me realize I've been down a rabbit hole and I've learned to screen record. Go back to the photos and you can go frame by frame. That's lazy. Yeah, he's max. It's lazy. Try to get. Come on, let's. It's like, almost like it's good for Alzheimer's, I think. I think it keeps away, like, brain. It keeps brain working. It's like sudoku for perverts. I love it. And that's what the Internet has become, and I have no issues with that. But then, you know, Then you know, it's a good distraction, too, because over the week, Look, I don't know what's going on in Minnesota. First off, nothing would ever bother me so much to go protest in negative zero weather. I. I'm never mad. I'm never, ever going to be that upset about anything. Like, I could be. It's cold and stuff. But, I mean, I'm waiting for spring second again. I'm going home. I don't understand this. I don't understand these people that I don't know. Being a martyr sucks because you know what? You don't get to celebrate any of it. I don't. I don't get it. I don't get, like. I get you hate ice, and I get if you think ice is trigger happy and shooty, the last thing I'm doing is fighting that guy. I don't get it. Like, it just escapes my brain to say, look, if. If ice is my biggest enemy and ice scares me to death, that they're shooty and they're violent, the last thing I'm going to do is fight them. I don't get. Doesn't add up. Being a martyr, stupid. If A guy from ICE tackles me, he wins. That's it. I'm just gonna roll around and put my arms behind my back, especially if I'm a citizen, because they're not gonna just throw me away. If they do, then there's a bigger problem. And I. But I don't see that smuggled out of the country. Right. I'm just not. I'm not doing what. I'm not doing what these people are doing. And it's always. It's just there, like, it doesn't. So I'm watching that.

[Brett Vesely]

It is frustrating someone to say like, okay, yeah, you have a right to bear arms and stuff on this.

[John Holmberg]

Absolutely.

[Brett Vesely]

But you're going to go and protest with a gun. I don't think that's a. Yeah, that's.

[John Holmberg]

A good little no. And I understand. No, I understand that you can and that you should. But also when somebody else with a gun and five or six other dudes with a gun, I'm just going to be like, okay, I lose. You just got to pick your battles. That doesn't seem like one. I'm going to start wrestling with one of those dudes. I'm just going to lay down and go, I'll be a martyr. Who goes home, dude, it doesn't make any sense to me what's going on there. And also let them have it. Since when does, you know, just pull them out of there and then defund them. Just stop giving them federal. If Trump wants to do this. It just seems so. It all seems so fake to me. It all seems so choreographed to keep us busy arguing while something else goes on. It just happens to be in a state with $9 billion scandal on top of it, and a week later we're yelling at each other over, that doesn't make sense. It's the playbook. I'm not trying to be a nut job, but I don't see this as real at all. To me, this seems like, oh, geez, let's not tell them we steal all their money constantly. Let's get into race relations. It doesn't add up. None of it adds up to me. I got a very Jussie Smollett situation again. Same thing with Jussie. Smollett was 23 below zero when he had a story. I'm like, nobody's out trying to fight you at 20. Who's doing this? 23 below zero. And someone recognized your bundled up ass from the show Empire or whatever it was called. Was that right? I didn't know. Two in the morning, you're getting a subway. And there's no way you didn't have a scarf on, huh? I know one thing.

[Brett Vesely]

They were wearing MAGA hats.

[John Holmberg]

Remember Maga hats? And had nooses. And they're like, there's that from Empire. Like, what.

[Commercial Announcer]

I'm.

[John Holmberg]

To be honest with you, in the Jussie Smollett story, I'm most impressed with the MAGA guys that they were. Most MAGA guys would say they all look alike. Like that they recognized him in a blip in 23 below. 23 below zero. And they go to Minnesota and it's like 10 below with wind chill, and there's people outside mad. And like, I can't be mad in that. I can't. I'd be at home unplugging all my electronics just in case there's a power surge. When the power comes back and I'm putting. I'm putting all the stuff in the freezer. I'm shutting the freezer. You can't open the freezer for days. I'm not that angry at anything. Maybe I should be. I don't know. That doesn't add up. All I like doing is taking quick snapshots of Spanish broads. That seems right. My way seems better. That's all I'm saying. My life seems like a lot better than that.

[Brett Vesely]

You know, Vikings get that team together if you're in the playoffs.

[John Holmberg]

That's so true. If they had it, you know, if it was a little deeper, if the T Wolves could pull themselves out of seventh or eighth right now. Come on.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Give me something up there.

[Brett Vesely]

I said yesterday, I go, how much of a change would that be if the Vikings were in? Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

They'd be all these things. They'd be all clapping over the head skull, and they wouldn't care who's doing what. It just seems. It seems to me. Call me crazy. Incredibly choreographed and fake for us to yell at each other outside of Minnesota and make some big stink out of it. We got the Internet. I mean, it's the best time to be fraud. Yeah. No, I get it. I get hate. Nice. I get. I understand why people don't like what's going on. But I just know this. I might not like it if a dude with an AR15 is fighting me. I'm laying down. I'm going home. I ain't pushing back. I might not like it.

[Brett Vesely]

I'm sorry for the inconvenience. All the people that have to pick up their cleaning lady and drive her to the house to get it clean. I have I can't tell you how.

[John Holmberg]

Many I've heard over the last that they're afraid here.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, I had to go pick up. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Here.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Nah, I know.

[Brett Vesely]

That's what I said.

[John Holmberg]

Gloria.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, no. We picked her up and we brought. Brought over here.

[John Holmberg]

My lady goes back and forth to Mexico all the time. She doesn't seem. I'm not sure, to be honest with you. I haven't checked if Gloria's legit or not, but she's. Who cares? She does a good job. I got to go back to Mexico. Yeah, she's there too long, but she's awesome and like, okay, Gloria, I go to Mexico. I can't come. Like, okay, I come another time. Yeah, that's great. Mexico. You're gonna make it back. I'll be back. All right. That's all I care about. I'm not gonna get all upset if you're doing this wrong and get busted. Don't talk about me. Do you have any relatives that do quick shot videos on the Instagram before you go? And just give me a couple names. That's all I care about. Well, need to just relax a little bit. But I understand getting all fired up about it. I get it. And you can yell at me all you want that I'm not, you know, involved, and I'm not. I don't want to be. It seems stupid to get wrestled down to it. If I'm mad at somebody with a huge gun and there's, like nine of his buddies right there, they're gonna win that. That fight. They win, and then I'm gonna lay down, get handcuffed, and later I'll be on. I'll be on Anderson Cooper show going, can't believe it, can't believe. But I'll be talking, that's for sure. I know how to get out of this. I know. One thing I'm not gonna do is try to piss him off, especially if I'm scared to death of them and they're. You know, that's the whole reason I'm marching, is because they're violent shooters. Okay? I ain't gonna get all fired up about it. The violent shooters are gonna win. It's a better world laying on your couch taking pictures of foreign broads. It just is. It's just an easier way to go. And it doesn't mean you don't care, but it sure does mean that you're not gonna waste all your days flipping the F out over this stuff, because I'm not. I like funny stuff. People need to laugh. More. You know what it is? Maybe I'm gonna blame this. You know who I blame this on? Radio executives. Oh. The Bob's did this. The Bob's did this. You know why? Why? Because nobody wakes up in most cities having fun anymore. Like a morning zoo. Doesn't happen in Phoenix. You're welcome. We don't have strife here. The weather and us. I'm putting it on us and Beth and. And I'll even give it over there to Bickley and Marata. They're fun. It's light, it's easy. You start your day with a little bit of goofing and you move on. I don't think they've got fun shows in Minnesota. It doesn't look like a fun place. Everybody looks angry. It's because goddamn radio executives have screwed up radio so bad in every major metropolitan area that nobody has any fun morning shows. Choices of fun morning shows. The only thing you got now is Joe Rogan. Everybody listens to that. And that's gonna get you going. And if not that, some liberal version of that.

[Brett Vesely]

And that's not always fun.

[John Holmberg]

No, it's hardly fun. Usually it's some sort of weird thing that makes you think the world's coming to an end. I like stuff like this. I saw a story that said this woman is dating identical twin brothers. And I loved it. I loved every second of it. Because she's like, look, I'm attracted to one of them. That means I'm attracted to both. They're very similar. And then I started laughing because the comments immediately were, is this still called the Eiffel Tower or is this now called the Twin Towers? And I started to giggle at that. And then it says, the south tower has fallen. Temporarily needs rehydration. North tower must keep going. Then another comment says, sir, the second tower just blasted all over my back. I'm like, see? This is the world I want to live in. And then people are like, never forget, we're now making 911 jokes about a lady who's dating twins. And that's where I want to live. Yeah, she. She decided that. She's like, look, there's no question that if I'm attracted to you, I'm attracted to your brother. And so why not just make it so we can both you guys tag me? I won't even know which one you are. I'll be honest with you. Gary and Terry, you can have at it. They're Asian too. So, I mean, it's be pixelated anyway. And by the way, she's Moderately attractive, these two dudes. Oh, she's doing it all Gross.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

But why?

[Brett Vesely]

Would you like to be interviewed about it? Yes.

[John Holmberg]

Swinging for the. You know what, though? She's 24. She's in Thailand. Not a lady boy. Maybe. Maybe. But she's got a bro. And again, I've never understood that. Like, they have that twin thing. Ever see twins and they marry twins? Yeah, you gotta dabble in that. You're the one that's grossed out by all that kind of stuff. Not with dudes together, but banging the same girl separately. If you're twins. Oh, you're okay with that? Yeah. All right. Like, if you and I were twins. Brett. Okay. And Matthias. Like, I'm into Brett and she's into me. Well, not necessarily. I'm like, I'm gonna make it, so. You are. We're pretty close. I know what he does. I know how to make this work. And the next thing. And we would do it too. Like, see if she knows the difference. There's something. Something. Check out Homework's morning sickness [e-mail] all.

[Commercial Announcer]

Right, HMS podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Head to the Desert Ridge Improv on the north end of town to catch the comedy of Ron Funches and Joe Mackey. East Siders at the Tempe Improv, you've got David Hill and Andy Huggins from agt. And downtown at Stand Up Live, it's the incomparable JB Smooth. For the complete lineups and for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com for 60 years, Fisher Tools has been the Valley's trusted source for quality, precision and power. Family owned and operated for three generations, we're proud to be a local Tempe business offering the best tools and supplies for every construction job. With the largest selection of power tools in the Valley. From Milwaukee to Makita to Dewalt, we've got. You need to get the job done right. We're known for having everything in stock because our slogan is, if we don't have it, we can't sell it. See why we've been the Valley's go to for tools for over 60 years. Visit Fisher Tools today in store or [e-mail] Morning sickness.

[Brett Vesely]

I think about Corey and Corey and.

[John Holmberg]

Chad, the Smash brothers. Just swapping out constant laughing. Like this one's wife.

[Brett Vesely]

Divorce papers. The other one did.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

And serviced her in the Process.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Yeah, he boned. Was it his brother's wife? Yes, his brother's wife. He said, hey, you know, Corey wants out, gives her divorce papers. And then she's like, well, you're pretty much the exact same things. Looks it's like a rental car. Like, Brady, your car's been in the shop since it got in the wreck. And they give you a reasonable replica. Same thing. I don't get this twin anymore, but there's another rep. There's an exact replica of. I like this model, so I'm gonna get that one. Jesus. The Bidens weren't even twins. And the lady's like, well, Bo's dad, what are you doing? And she started nailing a close representation of that. That's her type. I'd never. If I had a twin, that's all we'd do. I'd be hammering Matthias, be all over Megan. We'd be just slutting it up on a reg. And then.

[Brett Vesely]

Just like your brother. But he loves cocaine.

[John Holmberg]

There's no possible way. If that went, you know, Brady, But Brett and I together as twins would be like. Like, let's just do this. Don't get mad at me, and I won't get mad at you. You hammer mine, I'll hammer yours. Don't tell them. Just go. Just go home with no words and start working. And she'll be like, oh, my God, you're all over me. And I'll do the same, and we'll hammer them, and we'll come back and go, that was awesome. They have no idea. We would all twins do it. All twins do it. Now, where I find it disgusting is when they're in the same room and when. Dude do two cranks in a room. Two cranks in a room's weird. But even worse.

[Brett Vesely]

The Twin Towers.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, the Twin Towers. You can't have that. And then what's weirder is the. The two girls. And then dudes expect the twin girls to start touching each other. I know. That's gross. They're sisters. That's yuck. But yeah, the Twin Towers. The South Tower just blasted all over my back. Is my favorite 9, 11 joke, I think starting now. But I got to give her credit, because she's like, look, they're hard to tell apart. They're pretty much the same. They finished each other's sentences, so why not just finish on me? Her name is Nong fa. Their laugh. Yeah, the same. She said. And everybody's like, ew, that's weird. I'm like, that's Been going on for ages. Ages. I'd venture to guess if you're married to a twin, you don't even know it. You've been railed by the other one almost. They're dudes if they're fun twins. Unless they're, like, religious. Probably even worse if they're religious because they hide it better. They're good at hiding things. They definitely getting all over that. And I wish I had a twin at this point. That would be awesome. But there's no way if Brady had a twin. You're telling me that. That you jokesters wouldn't be like you two Andy Reeves.

[Brett Vesely]

Pranks all the time.

[John Holmberg]

Pranking around all the time. See if you can just get a hand job started and then go to the bathroom and switch out. That's all I'd think about it. Like, all right, you stand in the bathroom. I'll get a hand job started. I'm like, oh, my go. I do not believe is. I gotta go pee. I'll come into the bathroom, we'll change clothes or whatever. I'll change it and come back out and then see if she finishes you off.

[Brett Vesely]

That was great.

[John Holmberg]

Grady and Brady back at it. Did I just jerk your brother off? And God dang it, guys. That was great stuff. You're not done, sister. One of us is wanting. Yes. It's weird, but it's. You know, it's that one of the. My first girlfriend, the Bryan Adams girl that wrote the song, you know, I have to bring that up. One of her stories was that she's dating a twin, and they got drunk and screwed around and stuff, and she woke up and they were both in the room. And I'm like. I said, do you think? And she goes, oh, I know. So he called his brother in. Yeah. She goes, I think I was with the brother when I was drunk and didn't know it, and then the other one came in and. And I'm like, wow, lot. And I was like, you need. I need to date you for a while. I don't have a brother, so page 12, we'll notice a difference. If some other dude's doing that to you, it listens. Yeah, no, that was the one I wrote. I. I probably wrote something about, you know, double hole in her. I don't know. In the Vagina Monologues that I had written. Yeah, the South Tower has blasted on my back. It's just fun and people are, you know, that's what we need more of. More fun stuff. Less of this craziness. This one says, remember Finger Cuffs. I think that's her new name. That's a good question. One of the comments says, do you think that when they finish, it's in harmony? Yeah. Yeah. I wonder if there's like a nice harmonization of that.

[Brett Vesely]

That's what I was saying. Like, you find out. You'd hear a laugh at the same time from a wall over.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

What's going on?

[John Holmberg]

Pretty great. This, and then one guy who's like me. His comment is, triple income household. I'm a stay at home dad and I'm jealous. Yeah. You got two earners in that house. Even if one of them loses a job, you're still two thirds of earning. That's. It's the future, if you ask me. Three way income, no kids, twinks. Yeah. And then dual income with the brother switching days at work. That's true. And then you'd save on childcare. So the twins pretend to be the same guy at work, have the same job, and one works Monday and Tuesday, the other works Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and you got somebody at home. All this is a glorious situation. This lady's smart, he's genius. The world could be a lot better. Nope. We got to sit and stare at each other and scream about immigration raids and people fighting and two below zero and ain't happening. It's.

[Brett Vesely]

You think it happened more often. I'm sure it does. But you think about the other ones hitting throughout history, the Siamese twins with it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

Ended up having kids.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. That's just a fetish. I don't know how you do that. Married the. The one of them. Yeah. That don't make sense.

[Brett Vesely]

And they had four kids.

[John Holmberg]

Which one had it? You know, that's the. That's just gross.

[Brett Vesely]

Look away, King.

[John Holmberg]

They're what I guess what Brady would call one of God's errors. And you shouldn't. They shouldn't reproduce. They should be. The Siamese twins shouldn't have, like, rights for that kind of stuff. Like, you can bang them. Like, they have to have their. They have to be sterilized. We can't perpetuate. Oh, you have to. That's not right.

[Brett Vesely]

Because I saw the one that. There's one of those fun fight fact things where they're given the bio of these Soames twins that they went on the road to, you know, traveling circus, and both of them get married. Both of them have kids.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Well, I don't know what that means. Not really. Because, I mean, if you. It depends. They're two different brides, but they have four legs. And two different ovaries.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, it was. There were two. They're boys.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, the boys had two wieners.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And then they got girls pregnant on the side. But they each had one leg. So one was righty, one was lefty. They swapped out and again, there's something wrong with you for. For. All right, I'll go so far as to say that maybe it's funny to bone one, but like getting in a relationship with a Siamese twin. You're the weird one. I love her. Look. Which one? The left. God, what's wrong with the right? Look at her. Deformed, like beyond belief.

[Brett Vesely]

About days like the kids at school, you know, for like show and tell. My daddy's in a freak show.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't make babies with those in the animal kingdom, like at the zoo, Christie would immediately slaughter one of those. If it came out. Like.

[Brett Vesely]

No, if it was a snake or something.

[John Holmberg]

San Diego?

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, San Diego Zoo. If it's a multiple series have had it.

[John Holmberg]

And what do they do with it? They jar it up and they keep.

[Brett Vesely]

It away from like, you know, a wildebeest with two heads.

[John Holmberg]

They're cutting that thing into pieces the second it comes out. Come on, you know, Pop in this morning. Oh, yeah, should be here at night. There's no way that happens. And they're like, oh, Jesus. Because they can't have that press that. They're running some sort of, you know, mutant factory over there in the west valley. You got to kill that immediately. Kill it. Just say it was stillborn. Nobody talks about it. Double headed animals. At the very least, you make it so it can't reproduce. That's awful. It's a freak show, snakes. They always do. They put them in that jar.

[Brett Vesely]

They seem to live for a while.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, they formaldehyde them up too. And then they keep them around for ages after they're dead just to show it. Two headed snakes. They're creepy. You gotta be careful with them because they can just make their own. All I'm saying is if you're. If you're currently out there boning a Siamese twin, it's on you that you're the weirdo. Especially like the ones that are connected by the eyes and they got that weird pot sticker.

[Brett Vesely]

You see those, you know, you see snakes, cattle. I've never seen like a two headed bird. Bird with three wings.

[John Holmberg]

Like the mother, like kicks it out of the nest immediately. Like, this thing's a mess.

[Brett Vesely]

But even hatched, I guess. So you couldn't find it because they.

[John Holmberg]

They'D eat it immediately. Like, all right. Nope.

[Brett Vesely]

Imagine a two headed eagle.

[John Holmberg]

You're smart enough to know this thing's gonna be nothing but trouble. Where are you coming up with these? Yeah, because he's, he's an idiot. You can't bring up the animal side. Two headed eagle. As a baby, the mother would look down in the nest and go, what the.

[Brett Vesely]

Boom.

[John Holmberg]

Kill it. Because all she knows is like, it's going to be a hindrance to everything that happens. It's going to get eaten so fast. Slow ass eagle. Look in two directions. Flies right into poles. Yeah. Come on. That thing's not going to make it. Darwin will handle that. You can't mate with one of those. Keep it alive, put it on shows, you know, that's what the daytime talk show is missing. Like Jennifer Hudson and Kelly Clarkson don't do freak shows. We need one of those back. That way they get a little attention. Like Lori and Dory. You always have some wacky story where one hates country music and the other one wants to sing. If you're boning that you're a pervert. That should be illegal.

[Brett Vesely]

Like kids.

[John Holmberg]

That should be like pedophilia if you like. If you have a thing for Siamese twins, that should be a jailable offense unless you are one. Like, they should only. I'm gonna go ahead and say like some sort of Hitler like, eugenics thing. They should only be allowed to mate with each other. That's it. If they're not attracted, then the nerve on them. I'm not attracted to Siamese twins. That's all you get. You. You think you're in the dating pool. You narrowed it. It's like, my Asian friend Jim doesn't like Asian women. I'm like, you better get on the ball, son. That makes the sense. But yeah, if you're boning a Siamese twin right now, don't wake the other one, but break up with the one you're with. Is that dude still married to those Siamese twins? Probably because he's a perv. And where else is he going to get that action? And what if they break up with you? Like, that's, that's the lowest of all lows. If the Siamese twins sit there and then the one quietly looks away and then she's like, we've been talking. What? Yeah, this isn't working out. You bet. You think you're going to do better than me? Yeah, we think we can.

[Brett Vesely]

Well, what if one.

[John Holmberg]

The other one doesn't?

[Brett Vesely]

I think that's Happened.

[John Holmberg]

No, that's happened. Yeah. One kind of turns her head. Look away.

[Brett Vesely]

Had to. Just tears all the time. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Just sobbing. While her. While her sister. While she gets hit in the face with the front of his thigh. While her sister gets. He's just getting choked to death by this dude's hog. Just taking it like a punching bag. Get a nut in the eye. Yeah. Come on. Come on with the friendly. You got to put a bag overhead with a breathing hole while that happens. Like a Gallagher show. Sorry about that. Yeah, we hate each other. It's fine. I gotta smell your nuts all day and then it breaks up with you and you gotta try to go back to bumble. Tell me about your last relationship. I'd rather not. See, this is what the Bob screwed up in Minnesota. If they had something fun in the mornings talking about Siamese twins getting thigh pounded, it wouldn't be so angry over there. Let's get a wake up song, shall we? 6:22. You tell us what you want to hear next. 585. 9800. We'll scream it together. It's 98 KUPD. Wake up. It's not weird.

[Brett Vesely]

It's pretty cool, actually.

[John Holmberg]

No membership fee. I've heard enough of this. It's John Holmberg here from the morning sickness and I'm absolutely thrilled to tell you about my new [e-mail]. here's the proof that me talking about something on the radio can be trusted because I purchased a 2024 customized Ford Bronco from the gang at Lifted trucks. That opened my eyes to who and what these guys are all about. They not only have thousands of trucks to choose from, they also have nationwide shipping and they can get anything anywhere. My Bronco's been customized countless other pro athletes and celebrities. Now little old me choose lifted trucks and lifted trucks. Dot com. Work hard, play hard, drive harder. It's John Holberg here from the morning sickness and it's time to talk about TVs Doug Hopkins of My Home Group and Doug Hopkins dot com. Have you ever thought to yourself, I'm going to sell my house? Of course you have. And one reason or another you just didn't do. Probably because it's a hassle when you try to make a real estate deal. What if I could say, you can sell that house the day after you say the words, I want to sell my house. Doug's been at this for over 25 years, and that's why he's still on top of the Hill. TVs Doug Hopkins can handle everything won't move the price or you get $5,000. What do you do? Start to process right now@doug hopkins.com or grab the phone and sing.