01-28-25 - Details On Tonight's Holmberg Bound Release - Asking Frank Why All Guys Hork Loogeys Into The Urinal - Asking Frank The 1000 Women Of His Peers In A Room Question

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona: Episode Summary (January 28, 2025)

Host and Crew:

• John Holmberg (Host)
• Frank Caliendo
• Brady Bogen
• Bret Vesely
• Dick Toledo

---

1. Holmberg Bound Release & Frank’s First Beer

The episode kicks off with John Holmberg announcing the promotion of the "Holmberg Bound" release, encouraging listeners to join Frank Caliendo for his first beer-drinking experience at Four Peaks in Tempe.

• John Holmberg (00:33): "We're just going to promote away, Frank. If you're going to do it, we're going to do it tonight."
• Frank Caliendo (00:50): "I'm starting tonight."

The crew emphasizes the charitable aspect, stating that proceeds benefit the Humane Society. They invite listeners to pre-order and attend the event between 6 to 8 PM.

• John Holmberg (00:51): "Every time you get one Humane Society benefits because we're giving the money to the Humane Society."

2. Recounting Past Appearances and Events

The conversation shifts to reminiscing about previous events involving Frank, such as hosting a firefighter and police-related event during COVID and participating in a golf tournament with sponsor complications.

• Frank Caliendo (05:09): "Right."
• John Holmberg (05:19): "But we never did that. So that wasn't a favor used."

They humorously discuss the challenges of coordinating appearances and the unexpected situations that arose, highlighting Frank's unpredictable nature.

3. The Urinal Spitting Phenomenon

A significant portion of the episode delves into the quirky topic of men spitting while urinating, a behavior that has puzzled John Holmberg. The hosts engage in a lively debate about its prevalence, reasons, and whether women partake in the same habit.

• John Holmberg (06:57): "This bothered me last night and it's on my mind..."
• Frank Caliendo (07:34): "I've seen that. You've seen it two places, and it's just awesome."

They explore possible psychological explanations, such as territorial marking or subconscious behaviors, while sharing personal anecdotes.

• John Holmberg (09:02): "You just do."
• Brady (09:02): "I don't."

The discussion remains light-hearted, filled with jokes and playful jabs at each other’s habits.

4. Attractiveness Study: How Many Women Find You Attractive?

Transitioning to a more introspective topic, John Holmberg brings up a study questioning how many women would find a man attractive upon entering a room. The humorous debate centers around each host’s self-assessed attractiveness.

• John Holmberg (14:19): "They're familiar with the traditional handsome Brad Pitt man..."
• Frank Caliendo (15:07): "What have they seen in the past?"

The hosts humorously critique each other's looks, referencing celebrities like Chris Hemsworth and poking fun at their own perceived lack of allure.

• Frank Caliendo (16:01): "I've stood next to Chris Hemsworth and women fainted when they saw."
• John Holmberg (18:07): "I get zero. Five to ten out of a thousand."

This segment underscores the camaraderie and playful teasing among the hosts.

5. Promoting Upcoming Shows and Events

The episode circles back to promoting Frank’s upcoming performances at Desert Ridge Improv. John Holmberg invites listeners to attend, highlighting the comedic stories and interactions they can expect.

• John Holmberg (24:36): "Frank's at the Desert Ridge Improv this weekend if you want to go Friday and Saturday."
• Frank Caliendo (24:35): "I'm gonna be there tonight."

They discuss logistical details, such as the venue's location and the timing of the events, ensuring listeners have all the necessary information to attend.

6. Closing Remarks

As the episode nears its end, the hosts continue their light-hearted banter, addressing Frank’s commitment to attending the event and sharing final jokes.

• Frank Caliendo (25:56): "I have no idea how brilliant."
• John Holmberg (27:54): "Thank you, Frank. It was fun to have you."

The episode concludes with encouragement for listeners to participate in the upcoming events and engage with the show’s community.

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Notable Quotes:

• John Holmberg (00:33): "We're just going to promote away, Frank."
• Frank Caliendo (05:09): "Right."
• John Holmberg (07:34): "Why do we do that?"
• Frank Caliendo (15:07): "What have they seen in the past?"
• John Holmberg (18:07): "I get zero. Five to ten out of a thousand."
• Frank Caliendo (24:35): "I'm gonna be there tonight."
• John Holmberg (27:54): "Thank you, Frank. It was fun to have you."

---

Conclusion:

This episode of "Holmberg's Morning Sickness" delivered its trademark blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and engaging discussions. From promoting charitable events and recounting past experiences to dissecting quirky restroom behaviors and debating personal attractiveness, the hosts maintained a lively and entertaining atmosphere. The episode concluded with enthusiastic promotion of upcoming shows, ensuring listeners remained connected and engaged with the show's vibrant community.

Transcript

[Dick Toledo]

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[John Holmberg]

Morning sickness. The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail. And I just let you know we're just going to promote away, Frank. If you're going to do it, we're going to do it tonight. You said you don't drink beer, do you? You're not a beer.

[Frank Caliendo]

I'm starting tonight.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, beautiful. Watch Frank drink his first beer. Holmberg bound will be the way. You go and put Homburg in your mouth tonight, Frank. And you get that together tonight at Four Peaks over there in Tempe. Go to 98kupd.com order up your last bits of the six packs. They're not going to be forever. So the six packs are going out. They're on tap all the time. And you're like, well, that's great, John. That's beer. Big deal. Well, I tell you, every time you get one Humane Society benefits because we're giving the money to the Humane Society. So that's a good thing. Homburg bound tonight with our friends at Four Peaks over there in Tempe, six to eight o'clock and come grab your order. If you pre ordered already, you're going to want to come down and grab that and then help out the puppies. Humane Society will be there, probably bring a couple of puppies, which will be a, a beautiful thing as well and a perfect day. It rained a little bit, a nice day. And then, you know, we'll all talk about Frank when he shows up tonight.

[Frank Caliendo]

I'm going to be there.

[John Holmberg]

Are you coming tonight? Yes.

[Brady]

No way.

[John Holmberg]

Or maybe no way. What are the. Give me a percentage out of 50.

[Frank Caliendo]

50 at this point actually. Okay, it's actually maybe 60.

[John Holmberg]

You get in the car because of.

[Frank Caliendo]

The face you made.

[John Holmberg]

You get back into your house, it's going to go down 30. Oh yeah. And then plus 10 or 5 o'clock.

[Frank Caliendo]

Rolls around to plan on going.

[John Holmberg]

That doesn't mean a thing.

[Frank Caliendo]

No.

[John Holmberg]

I've known you for a while.

[Frank Caliendo]

I'm honestly, this is what's going through my head. I'm planning. I. I thought at the beginning I was. I. There was no way. Which is not going to happen. And then, I don't know, 30 minutes ago, I was like, I think I'm going to go just to. In spite. Just to spite you.

[John Holmberg]

I can never again ask you to do something because I've burned that favor one time in the biggest way ever. When during COVID Brad Williams and Adam Ray wanted to come over to my house and bring people. And then I wasn't sure if anyone was coming, but Brad Williams showed up and he kept saying, is Frank coming? And I think so. I don't know. And you had told him maybe. So he was kind of excited about it. So I kept texting him, like, get your ass over here. Like, this is your fault. This is happening. All these people are. They're not coming here to see me. And then you showed up.

[Frank Caliendo]

Why would people want to. Why would people care?

[John Holmberg]

They did. And so then you. And then you and Brad just sat in my.

[Frank Caliendo]

Some people think I'm way more important than I am.

[John Holmberg]

I think that might be true.

[Frank Caliendo]

You know the truth. Yeah, everybody in this studio knows the truth.

[John Holmberg]

But you made the drive and you came in and like, I can never ask Frank again to do. To do us an appearance because that was a big burn. That was.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah, there. There. There were. There was one that. Another one that we'll talk about off the air.

[John Holmberg]

What? When I made you go to something.

[Frank Caliendo]

You didn't make me, but we'll talk about that.

[John Holmberg]

Should I be worried?

[Frank Caliendo]

No, no, no.

[John Holmberg]

Why can't we talk about it? Unless we're an open girl.

[Frank Caliendo]

You'll understand why afterwards.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah. Nothing dirty.

[John Holmberg]

Just so we don't have to leave. Is it something we did with him? Is it the potato museum invite?

[Frank Caliendo]

Could be.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. That's a thing. All right, all right, we'll talk about it off there. I'm very curious, as is everyone now.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah, well, that's the way I want it.

[John Holmberg]

And then to the listeners, I'm going.

[Frank Caliendo]

To be telling the story at the desert ridge improv on Friday.

[John Holmberg]

I think it's available for this mystery stories on Friday.

[Frank Caliendo]

There's one show and two shows on Saturday, but tickets are going pretty quickly.

[John Holmberg]

Desertridgeimprov.com For Frank's mystery stories, he reve us the big story of how I. I got him the second Time. I don't remember the second one. Did we do a charity thing or something?

[Frank Caliendo]

You're in. You're getting closer. The chat, actually, thing we did for the police was. I think it was police and it.

[John Holmberg]

Was the firefighter fire. You showed up to that. That is true. That was huge. Okay, I forgot about that.

[Frank Caliendo]

That was good, because people. Those guys were great.

[John Holmberg]

They were asking for you before, and I just said, could you. You actually said yes to that pretty fast. I didn't have to beg you to do that one.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah. Because I figured I would use up the yes, but then I made you.

[John Holmberg]

Do the Brad Williams.

[Frank Caliendo]

My world is.

[John Holmberg]

No, there was another one.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Did we go? Because I remember one we had. That's fine. Yeah, we can talk about that. That's not bad.

[Frank Caliendo]

Oh, really?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah. That was the. That was when Lerner and Roe had their golf tournament and you had a flight. It wasn't a bad thing.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah, well, no, I just didn't know if you. Because of advertisers.

[John Holmberg]

They're the sponsor of the studio. Be careful.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah, that's why.

[John Holmberg]

No, I'm just kidding. Yeah, no, they're fine. Because that was.

[Frank Caliendo]

What are they gonna do, sue me?

[John Holmberg]

Right. But they. You were right about that.

[Frank Caliendo]

It's a bit. Come on. Come on, Nobod. Did I say something wrong?

[Brady]

They're lawyers.

[Dick Toledo]

It's like a Brady throw in.

[John Holmberg]

Real quiet.

[Frank Caliendo]

It was worse than that Nazi video.

[John Holmberg]

Because that was the thing. They had their golf tournament, and then they wanted you and I to host it, and they asked us to host it. And then you said, I'll do it, like, begrudgingly. But you had to leave.

[Frank Caliendo]

Right.

[John Holmberg]

So it was supposed to start at 3:30. And then they called and said, 4, 4:35. And I'm like, neither of us can do it. I couldn't go either.

[Frank Caliendo]

I couldn't remember the details, but that was it. It kept going. Getting moved back. Well, yeah, it's gonna be at like five. That. It was six. I. I got to get on a flight.

[John Holmberg]

Right. I was going to host the whole thing. You were going to be there for a little bit, make it better. And then. Right. And then just kind of launch me to the masses and say, all right, that's all I've got.

[Frank Caliendo]

Like, Brad Williams.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Pushed me out and. Yeah, that's right. But we never did that. So that wasn't a favor used. Because it was. We were.

[Frank Caliendo]

It took a lot of my time. The whole day I had to worry about how bad it was going to be.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Cuz.

[Frank Caliendo]

We both thought golfers at the end of their day.

[John Holmberg]

Drunk golfers in a room eating. And you and I are supposed to talk to him. And I'm like, I don't know how this is gonna go. But they did. They corralled you too. I don't remember how you did. I don't remember doing it.

[Frank Caliendo]

Because we didn't do it.

[John Holmberg]

No. I don't remember saying. I don't remember making you. You just brought up.

[Frank Caliendo]

Because it was good for it.

[John Holmberg]

I think you needed a lawyer. Certain things you were trying to get in.

[Frank Caliendo]

That was later learner.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that is better.

[Frank Caliendo]

You did actually get help from Kevin.

[John Holmberg]

So it worked out. You're welcome.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. That's how it works. All right. That was so glad it worked out. And the worst part is we ruined the big reveal for your show at the Desert Ridge Improv this Friday and Saturday night. Because now they know the story. But there's more.

[Frank Caliendo]

There's another one.

[John Holmberg]

There's a whole nother one. Or had us too, for a little bit. We ended up under a blanket together doing. Remember that? We had to lay under a blanket and do voices for this so we could record without echo. And we were under a blanket and Frank looked at me and he goes, is goddamn ridiculous. I agree. They just played clips of us weird.

[Frank Caliendo]

And then we had the AI kissing.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Then we AI kissed for half hour. I want to talk about something like. This bothered me last night and it's on my mind, so I'm bringing it up now. I was at the Suns game last night in the urinals for the bathrooms. Right? And everybody's. It's a thing. There's protocol. There's all that. Do women. And you may know this, but do women feel the need? There were five urinals last night on the wall. All five were taken. Now, first off, the new thing they do with urinals is to put mirrors. Penis level. And I don't know why. There's a reflective surface so you can look at your sad, shriveled up white dick right there in that mirror while you pee. And I don't know when that started, but I've noticed it with all the urinals that there's a little tiny mirror now on the.

[Brady]

I haven't.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah, you will.

[Frank Caliendo]

I've seen that. You've seen it two places, and it's just awesome.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, for some people. Some people, it's just a reminder of how life isn't working.

[Brady]

They don't magnify the mirror at all.

[Frank Caliendo]

No, it's a fun house.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. For you. Yeah. No, actually, they'll make it thinner for you. Yeah. Yours does the. Yeah. When Rocky Dennis was normal. Yeah. In Mask. It's dick mask. So they got the mirrors on there. And I was talking to my friend who was two urinals over. I'm like, the mirrors, they're everywhere now. And he goes, I just noticed that guy at the end goes, the mirrors are. They're just. Man. And I'm like, all right, calm down. He was, like, angry. And then I was like, we know about you now. Like, there's a reason you're upset about the mirror. But all five guys at one point or another went, do women do that? Is that a peeing thing, or is it just us? The women go pee and then, like, slip back up, stand back up and spit. No, I don't have to stand up. They just open her up. I mean, a fat lady would have to stand up, but a lady whose thighs don't touch, or what I like to call a good woman, she can just, you know, spread them and spit down into the.

[Brady]

They don't.

[John Holmberg]

Why do we.

[Frank Caliendo]

Just emptying out.

[John Holmberg]

Everything must go.

[Frank Caliendo]

Just gotta get it all out from everywhere.

[John Holmberg]

When all five guys. All five guys. And they spit while they pee. And I did it, too.

[Dick Toledo]

I was gonna say, did you do it?

[John Holmberg]

And I'm like, why do we do that? I don't think that's a peeing.

[Dick Toledo]

I think it's, like, yawning. I think it's contagious.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know. Because I do it when nobody's around, too. Yeah. Yeah. You spit when you pee. You just do.

[Brady]

I don't.

[John Holmberg]

You don't spit when you pee?

[Brady]

No.

[John Holmberg]

Ever?

[Brady]

No.

[John Holmberg]

Really?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

That's your rare one.

[Frank Caliendo]

I have, but not constantly. I don't think I do it all the time.

[John Holmberg]

I do it most of the time. Brett, you do it. Yeah, I've done it. But, yeah, I mean, it's not every.

[Frank Caliendo]

Now.

[John Holmberg]

You don't really think about it.

[Frank Caliendo]

You just.

[John Holmberg]

That's what I'm saying. Why is it. Why is this happening?

[Dick Toledo]

Throw it, Oyster.

[John Holmberg]

Women don't do it. You don't. Yeah. Every dude. And it wasn't contagious. It was going to happen no matter what. I think we all spit when we.

[Frank Caliendo]

Pee in different tones. And then there was a song.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. It was like blowing seals, blowing horns. I was thinking that exact same thing. Yep. Because when we're at urinals, we like to think of blowing stuff. That's what we do. That's what the mirror's for. But I don't know. I can't imagine that it's like why? Because women don't do it. So it's not a pee thing. It's a guy thing. And maybe it is just a clear it out territorial spit pee. Put your scent on everything. Is it some sort of throwback to the way Wayback Machine when we did this.

[Frank Caliendo]

I'm giving you this. I'm gonna give you this.

[John Holmberg]

Wow. We're giving it to the urinal. Wow.

[Brady]

Take it.

[John Holmberg]

Wow. But I. I will push back a little on the everything must go because there's still some stuff there that it's.

[Frank Caliendo]

Not for some guys.

[John Holmberg]

Oh the farting thing too. They'll throw those up. I do too. That they'll just openly gas one out while they're standing next to you. Yeah. I think that's strange too. But urinal behavior has its protein. You don't spit when you pee ever.

[Brady]

I don't.

[John Holmberg]

Huh.

[Frank Caliendo]

Are you.

[Brady]

I think.

[Frank Caliendo]

Are you a boy?

[John Holmberg]

You do?

[Brady]

Yeah. Do you never seen it when they. I mean you go to a urinal.

[John Holmberg]

And no somebody's clean.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah but you've never cleared your throat.

[Brady]

Even at home like I've done in the sink before.

[John Holmberg]

Oh that. See that?

[Frank Caliendo]

Come on over.

[John Holmberg]

You spit in your sink. Loogies bathrooms regularly.

[Brady]

But if I'm gonna do a loogie, I'll do it in the sink. Right.

[John Holmberg]

The. The full bathroom. If I do the. It's going in the toilet. I will not put that on the side.

[Frank Caliendo]

Here's your clogging toilet, Dexter.

[Dick Toledo]

Says John. I've never understood the urinal spit thing. My nose is clear. I can breathe. I have not felt compelled to do that in the men's bathroom ever.

[John Holmberg]

A constant going to have.

[Dick Toledo]

But is it a science thing?

[John Holmberg]

I don't necessarily even do that.

[Dick Toledo]

Like for me I've just throw toasters.

[Frank Caliendo]

Every day sometimes it's gonna happen. People are just looking for another sound.

[John Holmberg]

Maybe that's some people.

[Frank Caliendo]

Like if there's a. There's some cover up other sounds. Yeah, there's some of those.

[John Holmberg]

Can you imagine me with this mustache pulling up next to you at the urinal starting to whistle. It's like a horror movie. What are you doing? Nothing. Peeing and you know, killing some dead air. Killing some dead air. Killing some dead air here. Getting rid of everything.

[Frank Caliendo]

Little Bridge over the River Quan.

[John Holmberg]

Then everybody would start whistling. But I thought that was weird.

[Frank Caliendo]

Following with the schlongs now.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. We turned into seven dwarves. I Just thought it was weird because I don't think women do it.

[Frank Caliendo]

That one's Sneezy John Truck driver here.

[Dick Toledo]

Spitting in the urinal. Isn't that disgusting? Compared to what men do in the restroom, for instance. Blowing their nose in the sink. Got a couple weird arguments over that. Nasty crap.

[John Holmberg]

But that's not a constant. That's a. That's a. That's an outlier one off. Yeah. People aren't doing that regularly in the sink. Like we do spit when we pee. And I don't understand that. It's been 52 years and I've watched it happen. I've heard it happen. And yesterday it bugged me.

[Frank Caliendo]

Are you Googling that spit when you pee?

[Dick Toledo]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

What's the percentage, I wonder? It's got to be all of us. And eventually you got us.

[Frank Caliendo]

Except minus.

[Dick Toledo]

Except for Brady and the other dude.

[Brady]

That.

[Frank Caliendo]

98.

[Dick Toledo]

Four out of five minutes.

[John Holmberg]

98 out of a hundred. Split with 19. The Big Red radio wants you to spit while you go. Yeah. This. This guy says I do it to get the taste of the public bathroom out of my body. Maybe. I don't know. But I don't think ladies do it unless they do.

[Frank Caliendo]

I think ladies spit less than completely. I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's. I don't know. Anyway. It's a thing that I.

[Frank Caliendo]

Have you ever seen like a lady? Like. And.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but then. But that's the last time I'm looking. Yeah. She's not gonna ever be in a room with me again. If she' throws a. And she's not sick. She's just spitting. And girls spit bad anyway. It always hangs off their lip. They don't know how to do it. Ladies should all swallow. That's what I say.

[Brady]

That's what they're taught.

[John Holmberg]

That's what they're taught. Spitting is bad for you, lady. Anyway, sort of throw it. A little public observation.

[Frank Caliendo]

I think it's great.

[John Holmberg]

It is great, Frank. It's really good.

[Dick Toledo]

I'd like to thank Brady for texting in. John, Everybody farts when they pee in a urinal. You can't have a little rain without the thunder.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, God. All right. Kirby. Kirby. Go to school, Kirby. We made Kirby Bill Walton now, because Brady. We think that she's a stoner and Brady doesn't know it. She dresses like a stoner. She kind of looks.

[Frank Caliendo]

She working at the record shop.

[John Holmberg]

And she hasn't gotten a job since. Right, right. Or even looked. It was record shop or bust. It's the summer she took Brady to The Bob Marley movie. He didn't want to go, but she had to see it.

[Frank Caliendo]

I know how this ends.

[John Holmberg]

So she went from Andre the Giant into Bill Walton, now Kirby Walton, which. It just gets high. I'm not gonna do it. But it was very strange. We're convinced of that. Holmberg's morning sickness. Holberg's morning sickness. Holmberg's morning sickness. The other thing I wanted to ask you is the question that we've been asking for the last week because Brady was wildly delusional. They did a study of men and said if you walked into a room of 2,000 people, women your age, how many of them would turn and say, wow, that's an attractive man. Out of 2000. 2000. 2000. We can even go a thousand. It was a thousand. It was a thousand. 2000. 1000 women your age, which is what can. Happy belated. 51 years old. 51 year old women look at you and go, wow, that's a good looking man.

[Frank Caliendo]

What have they seen in the past?

[John Holmberg]

Nothing. First blush. You walk in a room.

[Frank Caliendo]

No, no, no. They've never seen a man before?

[John Holmberg]

No, they haven't seen a man before. They're familiar.

[Frank Caliendo]

I was at a thousand names.

[John Holmberg]

Let me say this. They're familiar with the traditional handsome Brad Pitt man, and they're familiar with the non traditional ugly booger from the movie.

[Frank Caliendo]

There's gotta be some weirdos. Nine.

[John Holmberg]

Nine is your number. Okay. Brady said 25. I told him he's nuts at zero. Maybe nine for you. You have a particularly proportionate face. Like you don't have any odd. And you're. You're short, though. I maybe lean more towards three or four. Yeah.

[Frank Caliendo]

I mean, there's.

[John Holmberg]

I'm a Z, but it isn't. There wouldn't be fetish right off the bat. Yeah. And you don't. What do you represent? Fetish style? What is your. What is the thing that you're like. Oh, that's my thing.

[Frank Caliendo]

Chubby cheeks.

[John Holmberg]

So women who love babies.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

You think that that would make you like, you think you've walked in a room and turned heads.

[Frank Caliendo]

I've stood next to Chris Hemsworth and women fainted when they saw.

[John Holmberg]

So that is.

[Brady]

It was amazing.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, so at least two or three, like, women.

[Frank Caliendo]

Actually, I was standing there with Chris Hemsworth and women were coming through the line and they like they were losing consciousness when they saw us.

[John Holmberg]

That's amazing.

[Frank Caliendo]

I turned to him and was like, oh, must be you.

[John Holmberg]

Must be you. Frank, of course. Certainly is me. I didn't even Comb my hair this morning. Clearly you didn't either.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Let's take a picture together. Let's take photos together. Get on your tiptoes.

[Frank Caliendo]

The funniest thing about him is he doesn't even walk. He glides.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Frank Caliendo]

Like, it's just.

[John Holmberg]

He's different. Humans really.

[Frank Caliendo]

So it's okay.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, he's all in one.

[Brady]

So smooth.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah. It's like his feet don't actually touch the ground and he walks with bent legs. You know those. The kind of guys that walk like, it's just. It's a hover. Yeah, it's like kind of like Dracula.

[John Holmberg]

Like just kind of scooch across.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

You don't really see movement.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah, it's just.

[John Holmberg]

But that guy says to me, out of a thousand, probably seven hundred and maybe even more, and I'd be like, that's accurate. You say nine and I think you're a little high.

[Frank Caliendo]

I don't.

[John Holmberg]

Brady tried 25. And we all laugh.

[Frank Caliendo]

Am I in current shape or could I get into shape Just today you.

[John Holmberg]

Walk in the room today.

[Brady]

51 year old women over.

[Frank Caliendo]

Under is 7.5.

[John Holmberg]

It's like a Cardinals season on wins seven and a half. Okay, I'll give you that. I think I can go with that. I think Brett, we've talked about it goes in in the mid-20s, but then gives off that, that goomba vibe and immediately it drops. Like the second he starts talking, it's over. Second you start going, it's going to go up. He drops back. Yeah, maybe. But then we went to gay bar side and Brady's higher up on the list. Gay bar is way up there because Brady's a fetish there. Brady doesn't have woman fetish Unless she's like totally into elderly downs patients.

[Brady]

25. 25.

[John Holmberg]

No, there is no 25 on that. None. And I'm the same way. I'm zero also.

[Frank Caliendo]

I don't think you're zero.

[John Holmberg]

I walk into the room, there are zero heads turning.

[Frank Caliendo]

How many? Zero is the mustache.

[John Holmberg]

The current mustache doesn't matter.

[Frank Caliendo]

37.

[John Holmberg]

Maybe the mustache makes a few girls go. Something about him reminds me of that uncle I don't talk about. And then she has a thing that's fetishy. But I don't turn heads. I've never walked in a room and had a woman stop talking and just lean and go, whoa, it's not a thing. So it's zero. My number zero. I will live on that.

[Frank Caliendo]

I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

A thousand fifty two year old.

[Frank Caliendo]

Weird.

[John Holmberg]

No, they're Not. Yeah, they're all the same.

[Frank Caliendo]

No.

[John Holmberg]

Yep. And you know how. And we've talked about this. They all talk about wanting a guy with a sense of humor, but never have you had people and your, your agents never called and said, hey, there's a company that wants to make a bunch of posters for you for teen girls walls. Funny is not what they want. But Chris Hemsworth posters exist. They know what attractive is and they have a standard.

[Frank Caliendo]

Okay. There's his walk, the movie twist.

[Dick Toledo]

Trying to find it too.

[John Holmberg]

There's Hemsworth walking around. It's just annoying. It's perfect. It's a perfect walk. Now that guy walks in a room.

[Brady]

Is that a real human?

[John Holmberg]

900 people turn their heads and go, look at this guy.

[Frank Caliendo]

Come on.

[John Holmberg]

He just whipped his hair out. He's in Thor's boots and pants that are ridiculously tight. It's just weird. He's just, he's just, he's so attractive. It's sick. It's sickening. What a dick. Anyway, cuz Dale, I think you met Dale here before. He said 500. Remember Dale? He's former, long for the cowboys. He's been call him Frankendale. Oh, and he thought 500. It's just such a delusional thing. I've been asking everybody this question because I'm always knocked out at what people think.

[Brady]

Now I give you, in the survey that they did, 42% said 25, right? Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

It's just not a thing. 25 women are not going to find guy if you're just basically saying, yeah.

[Frank Caliendo]

I was thinking about that the other day. People with giant egos that don't deserve them.

[John Holmberg]

Exactly.

[Frank Caliendo]

Like, I don't understand. But they get somewhere in life. Like they see themselves.

[John Holmberg]

They convince other people that they must be on to something. I don't see it. But he's so confident in it. Like, there's Dale. Five hundred of a thousand women he says would find that attractive.

[Brady]

That's a good picture of Dale.

[John Holmberg]

And that is one of his better Pictures. That's 40 years old. That's him at SMU. And that's him with buffalo. Yeah. It's just weird. So he comes in here on Thursdays.

[Frank Caliendo]

I think he still sees himself from 30 years ago.

[John Holmberg]

He still has that. And he carries ego.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah, but he's also 6 5. There was a picture there where, when he was young.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, look at that. You're on the Internet.

[John Holmberg]

Well, I'm not in that picture at all.

[Dick Toledo]

Hey, you Are you.

[John Holmberg]

No, I am not. That is not me. Me That's John Sharp Knight. Prove that I'm in that.

[Frank Caliendo]

Oh, you're.

[Dick Toledo]

That's right. You're behind the top.

[John Holmberg]

Dale. At my house with the super bowl trophy at one of my Steeler events. And I was not in that photo. Cannot be proven that I'm in that. But anyway, yeah, it's just a weird thing that people are doing. I just don't. And there are certain, like Toledo. I even give him. I'm like, you'd probably be in the mid-20s just on first blush because they're symmetrical. You have a. Yeah, I don't know.

[Dick Toledo]

If I'd go even that high to a decent face. I think now today it's probably under 10 if I get that many.

[John Holmberg]

You'd get some though.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, I get some.

[John Holmberg]

I get zero. Frank.

[Brady]

Thousand.

[John Holmberg]

I get zero. Five. Five to ten out of a thousand.

[Dick Toledo]

50 women under ten, 56 year old women.

[John Holmberg]

Six. You get. Yours is height. Like. You're simply as height. Like again, it's just a matter of walking in a room and turning heads. It's never happened.

[Dick Toledo]

But in three days you're 60.

[Brady]

So 60 year old women, they, they start shrinking up.

[John Holmberg]

Then you got to wait for them to come to you.

[Frank Caliendo]

I mean, what if you walk in.

[Brady]

Like coming down to my level.

[Frank Caliendo]

Oh, yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

If you put on a show.

[John Holmberg]

Well, that's different. That's not.

[Brady]

Just walk into the room, you know.

[John Holmberg]

Every single room and step on a ring.

[Brady]

Then it goes up.

[Frank Caliendo]

You ever see the wooden man with arms and swing? Tap the board underneath my belt.

[John Holmberg]

See the number just dropping baseline.

[Frank Caliendo]

Anyway, who invited the Muppet?

[John Holmberg]

I just wanted to ask that because we've been asking it and I'm fascinated by that study because people, I think it tells a lot about who they are. It's like, oh, 500.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah. Because I probably first off would have gone negative number.

[John Holmberg]

You think they would have told friends not to. Like you weren't even there.

[Frank Caliendo]

Don't, don't, don't.

[John Holmberg]

But you're. You're a decent looking person. There's nothing I look at pictures of.

[Frank Caliendo]

When I was younger and go, why did I let myself go to where I, you know, especially I have pictures of me next to Tom Cruise where it looks like I'm gonna eat Tom Cruise. I was massive.

[John Holmberg]

I remember.

[Frank Caliendo]

No idea.

[John Holmberg]

On your fridge you kept a picture of yourself when you were fat and.

[Frank Caliendo]

It couldn't even fit on the fridge.

[John Holmberg]

The fridge was tilted. It was being pulled down into the earth. Yeah. I just find it to be a thing that has a lot of arrogance. And certain people you can see because 1% of the population is good looking.

[Brady]

But you do. I mean, I wonder how much of a factor.

[Dick Toledo]

Okay, you're right.

[Brady]

That Dale always says six five.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's the six five. Six five is what they're looking at.

[Frank Caliendo]

That's a fat picture.

[Dick Toledo]

You are big there. I didn't realize you'd gotten that big.

[John Holmberg]

What's your biggest weight? That is huge.

[Frank Caliendo]

Know I stopped looking at like 2:35 or something and I'm 5:6.

[John Holmberg]

Look at that. You have the nerve to call me chubby. Look at you about to eat Tom Cruise.

[Dick Toledo]

Are you guys the same height?

[Brady]

Look at the Top Gun.

[John Holmberg]

Top Gun and Top Chef.

[Frank Caliendo]

He. I think he was taller than me, but he might have had lifts.

[John Holmberg]

Wow.

[Dick Toledo]

So you were like a 10 there.

[John Holmberg]

You're. That's the biggest you've. I. I don't remember you being that big. Big?

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah, I don't remember.

[Dick Toledo]

Did you ever come in here that big?

[John Holmberg]

He had.

[Frank Caliendo]

I mean it must have.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Talked about his Tom Cruise thing. They are begging him for food. That's farley size there.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And good for you, Frank. My name is Frank Caliendo. Anyway, I just wanted to throw that at you while you're here just chatting away.

[Frank Caliendo]

There's like. I judge how fat I am by how much of my nose you can see.

[John Holmberg]

Like your face eats your face.

[Dick Toledo]

My face starts to eat that horrible still by the way.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's true, it does actually. That one's not bad. That looks like Joey if he was fat.

[Brady]

That's about 30 women. Probably a thousand 30 ladies would like.

[Frank Caliendo]

Never, never comb my hair for TV.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know, I just don't see it. Not you. It's fine. We'll see you tonight though. You can maybe turn some heads.

[Frank Caliendo]

What's it, six to eight?

[John Holmberg]

Six to eight? You're already not going, so stop.

[Frank Caliendo]

No.

[John Holmberg]

He's putting a memo on his phone to remind him to knock down. Remember to see. Yeah. Six to 8 o'clock tonight. Homeward at Four Peaks in Gothard. Grab the homebird bound, Put homburg juice in your mouth and enjoy your evening for the puppies.

[Frank Caliendo]

I'm gonna be there tonight.

[John Holmberg]

You are not coming. There's no way.

[Frank Caliendo]

Where is it?

[John Holmberg]

Four Peaks, six to eight.

[Frank Caliendo]

I'll probably be there. Closer to six.

[John Holmberg]

Less. Less.

[Frank Caliendo]

You'll be there the whole time?

[John Holmberg]

Six to eight. That's what we say, six to eight. That's what that means.

[Frank Caliendo]

Is that in? Will you be there before setting up or.

[John Holmberg]

I Don't do any of that. We have people. Yeah, I'm not doing any of that.

[Frank Caliendo]

All right. I'm going to. I'm going to. I'm going to bounce. That's what they say. Leave. Yeah, I'm going to head out now.

[John Holmberg]

Right now?

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. You're going to be there at 6.

[Frank Caliendo]

I was going to leave at 9, but we'll be gone, so. But I'm coming back for the Squares Friday. Friday.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Frank Caliendo]

You doing the Squares on Friday?

[John Holmberg]

Yes, we will.

[Frank Caliendo]

This week.

[John Holmberg]

Yes, we will.

[Frank Caliendo]

Or should I come super bowl week or both?

[John Holmberg]

You do both. You just keep coming as often as you want.

[Frank Caliendo]

Hopefully I have what shows to do.

[John Holmberg]

Promote something.

[Frank Caliendo]

I hate when I come in here with nothing and I do it for fun. And I think to myself, what a. I got up. I'm coming in here for fun while everybody else in the room's getting paid. That's true.

[John Holmberg]

That's an it. Various row.

[Dick Toledo]

But you'd have to host something.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you could host them. We'll see if they'll pay you.

[Frank Caliendo]

No, no, no. I don't want to get. I don't want to do anything.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, we'll keep you out of things. And then if you want to show up.

[Frank Caliendo]

I'm coming tonight to the show.

[John Holmberg]

I don't think so.

[Frank Caliendo]

I'm gonna be there. So that. Not the show. The.

[John Holmberg]

It's just the thing. Just hanging around, drinking.

[Brady]

I don't know why you're doing.

[Frank Caliendo]

I won't drink. I'll just watch people drink. Is it in. Is it in a plaza or anything like.

[John Holmberg]

It's in a restaurant. Bar.

[Dick Toledo]

It's outdoor. Outdoor, Indoor.

[Frank Caliendo]

Four Peaks. But I mean, is it.

[John Holmberg]

That's where it is.

[Frank Caliendo]

Standalone.

[Brady]

It's standalone.

[Frank Caliendo]

It's standalone, yeah. There's no other restaurant.

[John Holmberg]

When he said. I know Four Peaks, then you don't.

[Frank Caliendo]

I know what it is. I've never.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I see. Okay.

[Frank Caliendo]

There's more than one, isn't there?

[John Holmberg]

Not anymore. It's just a restaurant.

[Frank Caliendo]

I'm going to the one you're going to.

[John Holmberg]

The one that. You know, the leftover V4. This was. This is the original place. You'll like it.

[Brady]

It's haunted.

[John Holmberg]

Well, let's not go there.

[Frank Caliendo]

There we go. And where. It's on.

[John Holmberg]

Here we go. I'm with you. Six to eight. They're about you. Your GPS will get you there. Six to eight tonight. I'm putting it in now, see if GPS can. Well, you need some time. It's not showing up. Your GPS doesn't.

[Frank Caliendo]

I'm gonna be. I'm gonna think you will. I'm going to plan on it.

[John Holmberg]

Perhaps a celebrity side.

[Frank Caliendo]

Listen, in fact. Okay. Because I have the shows this weekend.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Frank Caliendo]

That greatly ups the chance of me going. Because then tomorrow, when I'm not here in the studio, you guys, we'll talk about you. I am that much of a whore. There is plan that out.

[John Holmberg]

There's pictures of it on the Internet.

[Frank Caliendo]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I'll keep you. So we'll be right around there.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be there.

[John Holmberg]

We'll save you a spot to park.

[Frank Caliendo]

I'm gonna be.

[John Holmberg]

That's true. You show up and we'll end up going. And then Frank took his pants off and be like. And you can see that at Desert Ridge Improv this weekend.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah, I'm gonna be there tonight.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Frank Caliendo]

Earlier. Because bedtime is, like, seven now, so. Okay. It's Tuesday, right?

[John Holmberg]

It is Tuesday. That's right. You're getting it. Boy, this is hard just asking somebody to do.

[Frank Caliendo]

You sure you want to ask me to go and do this?

[John Holmberg]

We'll talk later.

[Frank Caliendo]

Listen, I'm gonna be there now. And the reason is just the story. And a lot of times they don't want to be the story.

[John Holmberg]

It could be that you won't be. You're just an observer to a story. And then your reaction.

[Frank Caliendo]

I want to be part of it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Frank Caliendo]

I'm part of what?

[John Holmberg]

Frank's gonna be part of it. He said so. If he doesn't, it'll still be a story. See what you did? You don't show up, we'll still talk about, like, how Frank said he mastermind. Yeah. This is brilliant.

[Frank Caliendo]

I have no idea how brilliant.

[John Holmberg]

You have puppeteered this entire event.

[Frank Caliendo]

Call me Jerry.

[John Holmberg]

That's it.

[Frank Caliendo]

I have been.

[John Holmberg]

Frank, are you leaving now?

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah, I'm gonna go.

[John Holmberg]

All right. Frank's leaving. Thank you, Frank. Frank's at the Desert Ridge Improv this weekend if you want to go Friday and Saturday. Tickets [e-mail]. that's easy. All done. Thanks for coming in. It was fun to have you.

[Frank Caliendo]

See you tonight.

[John Holmberg]

All right. Grand toma. Man, it's 98. Hey.

[Dick Toledo]

It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee.

[John Holmberg]

I have heard enough of this for you, pt.