01-28-25 - Frank Can't Stop Looking At John's Awful Mustache - Jerry Jones On Landman - Chris Hansen Predator Show Is Back And John Loves Immigrant Focus For The Translations - Canceled Episode Of Spongebob

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona: Episode Summary (January 28, 2025)

Hosted by John Holmberg alongside Brady Bogan, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo, Holmberg's Morning Sickness on 98 KUPD delivers a blend of humor, candid discussions, and topical commentary. In this episode, the team delves into lighthearted banter about personal appearances, satirical takes on popular media, and upcoming live events.

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1. Opening Banter: John’s Mustache Gets the Spotlight

The episode kicks off with a humorous exchange focusing on John Holmberg's mustache. Frank Caliendo playfully criticizes John's facial hair, setting a comedic tone for the morning show.

• John Holmberg [00:35]: "Morning sickness."

• Frank Caliendo [00:43]: "The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail."

As the conversation progresses, John defends his mustache, humorously labeling it a "child predator mustache," which becomes a running joke throughout the segment.

• John Holmberg [00:56]: "It's a mustache."

• Frank Caliendo [01:00]: "It is a mustache, ladies and gentlemen. I walked into the studio and. And what did I see? I saw early college days alone in my bedroom. Top 10 things that John Holmberg's mustache reminds you of. Number number 10. A baby butterfly."

The duo continues to riff on the mustache theme, touching upon topics like uncombable hair syndrome and the challenges of maintaining distinctive hairstyles.

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2. Discussion on Uncombable Hair Syndrome

Frank introduces the concept of an "unmanageable hair disease," leading to a light-hearted discussion about hair disorders and personal grooming struggles.

• Frank Caliendo [02:05]: "Pretty sure Google that's going to come up as something different. It's unmanageable hair disease. There is such a thing."

John elaborates on his own hair challenges, blending humor with exaggerated descriptions of his hairstyle antics.

• John Holmberg [02:25]: "He makes El Wapo sing."

The conversation underscores the show's trademark blend of humor and self-deprecation, engaging listeners with relatable content.

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3. Satirical Take on Chris Hansen's Predator Show

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to a satirical discussion about Chris Hansen's return to his Predator Show, with John expressing enthusiasm for the show's new focus on immigrants.

• John Holmberg [10:24]: "Waiting for Chris Hansen to come around the corner. Morning sickness."

Frank elaborates on the premise, mocking the show's methods and highlighting its controversial aspects.

• Frank Caliendo [11:48]: "Are you trying to fix that yesterday?"

John shares his perspective on the show's effectiveness, blending satire with critical commentary.

• John Holmberg [11:55]: "He thinks he's catching bad guys, but it's all flawed from the start."

The segment culminates in a humorous mock-sting operation planned by Frank and John, aimed at catching child predators, showcasing the hosts' knack for edgy humor.

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4. Commentary on Jerry Jones' Acting in "Landman"

The hosts critique Billy Bob Thornton's show "Landman," specifically praising Jerry Jones' acting prowess while lambasting the performances of other cast members.

• Frank Caliendo [06:44]: "You introduced me to an unbelievable acting experience."

• John Holmberg [07:00]: "He has to throw that in there. He just looks like he's got to get to something gassy."

Frank suggests that Jerry Jones could outshine the entire cast, leading to a playful debate about acting quality.

• Frank Caliendo [08:26]: "I have been instructed to give a dissertation on how to be better at this than all of you."

The discussion highlights the hosts' ability to blend pop culture commentary with their unique comedic style.

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5. Upcoming Live Events and Promotions

Transitioning from their on-air conversations, the hosts promote upcoming live events hosted by John at Four Peaks and Frank's performance at Desert Ridge Improv.

• John Holmberg [09:32]: "We'll be there from 6 to 8 tonight over at Four Peaks in Tempe."

• Frank Caliendo [19:29]: "I'm at the Desert Ridge Improv this weekend."

They encourage listeners to attend these events, emphasizing community engagement and entertainment.

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6. Canceled Spongebob Episode: "Midlife Crust"

A humorous segment focuses on a fictional, controversial Spongebob episode titled "Midlife Crust," which was allegedly banned due to its risqué content involving Mr. Krabs.

• Frank Caliendo [14:12]: "I was in it."

• John Holmberg [15:03]: "Mr. Krabs busts into a house to do a panty raid. And he's like, panty raid."

The hosts debate the appropriateness of such content in children's programming, mixing satire with exaggerated storytelling to entertain listeners.

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7. Light-Hearted Interactions and Final Remarks

As the episode nears its end, the hosts engage in playful exchanges about everyday observations, such as encountering multiple individuals resembling "Brady Bogan," and the comedic potential of such scenarios.

• John Holmberg [29:14]: "We had a Brady contest, like a MILF contest, and a bunch of dudes in here."

• Frank Caliendo [30:12]: "I've got to change."

The episode concludes with more promotional mentions of live shows and a teaser for upcoming segments, maintaining the show's engaging and interactive atmosphere.

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Notable Quotes

• John Holmberg [00:35]: "Morning sickness."

• Frank Caliendo [02:05]: "Pretty sure Google that's going to come up as something different. It's unmanageable hair disease."

• Frank Caliendo [11:48]: "Are you trying to fix that yesterday?"

• John Holmberg [14:06]: "How about Mr. Krabs raiding his mother's underpants drawer."

• Frank Caliendo [27:14]: "I'm Billy Corgan."

• John Holmberg [26:07]: "When people say life is short, I'm like, no, it's not."

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Conclusion

This episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness delivers a mix of sharp wit, playful teasing, and satirical takes on contemporary media. Through engaging dialogues and humorous storytelling, John Holmberg and his co-hosts create an entertaining morning experience for their Arizona-based listeners, while also promoting upcoming community events and fostering a sense of camaraderie among their audience.

Transcript

[Dick Toledo]

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[John Holmberg]

Morning sickness.

[Frank Caliendo]

The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail.

[John Holmberg]

While we're sitting here listening to all that lovely music, Frank Caliendo comes rolling in to whore himself for the big shows that are happening this weekend.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Nice job, kid. Take those off.

[Frank Caliendo]

You're looking at my glasses and I'm looking at your upper lip.

[John Holmberg]

My mustache. My.

[Frank Caliendo]

That's what that is.

[John Holmberg]

It's a child predator mustache.

[Frank Caliendo]

It is a mustache, ladies and gentlemen. I walked into the studio and. And what did I see? I saw early college days alone in my bedroom. Top 10 things that John Holmberg's mustache reminds you of. Number number 10. A baby butterfly.

[John Holmberg]

It's a mustache.

[Frank Caliendo]

It is.

[John Holmberg]

It counts.

[Frank Caliendo]

No, no, no.

[John Holmberg]

It's a mustache.

[Frank Caliendo]

It's a caterpillar.

[John Holmberg]

No, it's been there the whole time. I just shaved the goatee part off and left. Just wasn't that thick, it seems like.

[Frank Caliendo]

Oh, really? So what was around. It was just camouflaging slightly.

[John Holmberg]

Was mirroring. How weird. My hair on my face grows forward.

[Frank Caliendo]

Your hair on your head doesn't grow like that.

[John Holmberg]

Oh.

[Frank Caliendo]

Do your eyebrows go Einstein?

[John Holmberg]

Sometimes I want them to.

[Frank Caliendo]

Do you have.

[John Holmberg]

I love that idea.

[Frank Caliendo]

Do you have that crazy hair disease? Where have you ever heard of that? No.

[John Holmberg]

Is that a medical term, crazy hair disease?

[Frank Caliendo]

Pretty sure Google that's going to come up as something different. It's unmanageable hair disease. There is such a thing.

[John Holmberg]

There's some of that. I had a little of that going on. My hair was series of spins and crop circles that were kind of on top of each other. And that isn't what I had. Uncombable hair syndrome. That's not real. That's the restless leg of hair.

[Frank Caliendo]

That's real.

[John Holmberg]

No, there's product.

[Frank Caliendo]

The kids just been a sample. They're showing. No, I know people who have it.

[John Holmberg]

No, you Guess who?

[Frank Caliendo]

I can't.

[John Holmberg]

They would. We would know if we saw them. You're not keeping them.

[Frank Caliendo]

I'm going. I'll tell you later. But that's somebody. In my interface diagram of life.

[John Holmberg]

But how do they mask it?

[Frank Caliendo]

They don't.

[John Holmberg]

They just.

[Frank Caliendo]

They're just like those things with the pen on the top of the.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's. Well, I did have a little of that.

[Frank Caliendo]

Just posed.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Yeah. What's this? Everybody at home Google crazy hair disease now? Okay, right there, that kid. Go back. Brett. The kid in the middle there. If I. There were.

[Brady Bogan]

There were days that could have been him.

[John Holmberg]

There were days that I had to keep it kind of from doing that. Which is just a flunk of seagulls. It was that. And I used to do that kind of stuff, the flock of seagulls thing. I had. No, you didn't. Occasionally Logan Paul hair and Jake Paul hair was what I was dealing with. And then a little bit crazy.

[Frank Caliendo]

And you box. You're a Paul brother.

[John Holmberg]

I am one of the Pauls. Only I didn't have any ambition or attempt to have a good body and that. No, I had very much. When it was there, I had Jake Paul's hair. And back then it was funny. And now it's, like, cool to have Logan or Jake Paul's hair. And their hair's horrible.

[Frank Caliendo]

Like, three quarters of them. They're just rubbing balloons.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's what it looks like. This looks like static electricity hair. Albert Einstein had it.

[Frank Caliendo]

He had it. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And that's what I turned into. You have someone in your inner circle that has uncombable hair syndrome. And we can't talk about it.

[Frank Caliendo]

No. Because I know it's a younger person.

[John Holmberg]

How young?

[Frank Caliendo]

It's not.

[John Holmberg]

Joey.

[Frank Caliendo]

Young enough that they couldn't be around you with that mustache.

[John Holmberg]

All right, fair enough. Because that's what I feel like. I told several. This is how you know you're ugly in life, is that people have no problem telling me that this mustache is a terrible decision. Last night, I was in the Rah Rah room because I like to go there, and one of the servers comes by and she goes, this is new. And I'm like, yeah. And she goes, ugh. And I'm like, man, that's like, what if a guy did that to you? Like, wow, nice makeup on your hair. What a mess. But I told him, I'm like, I'm going through my white van phase. I'm doing a thing where I'm getting ice cream trucks all together. I'm going to start touring neighborhoods. But everybody has. Nobody has a problem saying, it's terrible.

[Frank Caliendo]

Why did you do that?

[John Holmberg]

Right?

[Frank Caliendo]

Are you trying to fix that yesterday?

[John Holmberg]

True.

[Frank Caliendo]

Because, you know they're just putting a band aid on another band aid, right?

[John Holmberg]

You're not getting better. Whatever you put on there, somehow you managed to make this worse.

[Frank Caliendo]

Can you? Eraser, come here.

[John Holmberg]

Trip. Yesterday goes two things. One, the mustache. Good God. Two, I got my new meta glasses. And he starts talking about something he likes, but he had to throw.

[Frank Caliendo]

Well, he came in with good news, bad news.

[John Holmberg]

Good news, bad news. Yeah. I'm like, all right, give me the bad news. We'll work up that mustache. And then. And I also got the new Ray Ban met us. I'm like, just ignore the part about the insult.

[Frank Caliendo]

Hold still for a second. I want to. I want to gauge.

[John Holmberg]

I walk down the stairs at the Suns game, and there's people that I've gotten to know through heaven. Season tickets.

[Frank Caliendo]

Devin Booker.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, Devin and Devin. Kev. I call him Devin. Kevin. And Nurkic isn't talking to me. I don't know what's going on. But I'm walking down the stairs, they're walking up, and the lady goes, lose it. Like, it's nice to see you. Like, how are you?

[Frank Caliendo]

Wow. But I think that's because people know you and know you can take it.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I don't care.

[Frank Caliendo]

Until. You can't.

[John Holmberg]

Until. Until the gun goes in and goes. They'll learn the hard way. And then I'll show you. Yeah.

[Frank Caliendo]

Until you. Warden from Shawshank. I.

[John Holmberg]

That's the warden from Shaw Shank. It is a pretty good band album name. More than a band name. Yeah. So I. I grew the mustache and it's.

[Frank Caliendo]

I want to thank Toledo. Making me feel like if I got here at 6:30, that's when I would start. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

We didn't know that was going. Oh, yeah. Well, I didn't even know you were coming until about 20 minutes before you got here.

[Frank Caliendo]

Best way to do it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it is. It's like. Cuz then. Well, then, cuz I'm trapped.

[Frank Caliendo]

I usually check. You check with.

[John Holmberg]

You didn't.

[Frank Caliendo]

I didn't this time.

[John Holmberg]

You didn't even ask.

[Frank Caliendo]

No, because I want to make sure.

[John Holmberg]

You just showed up. You asked Toledo, and like, he's got to say. And then he popped his head in this morning. Frank's coming in. You know that, right? And I'm like, I do now. Okay. I'm like, good producing. That's the way to get the shot.

[Frank Caliendo]

It worked Out. We got a couple extra stories. We got a jit. We in the off time. We watched Jerry Jones.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Frank Caliendo]

You introduced me to an unbelievable acting experience.

[John Holmberg]

I. I stopped watching Landman with Billy Bob Thornton because the acting was so bad. Outside of Billy Bob Thorton, I mean, it's. To me, it's in the daughter. Well, Halle Lardy is cute when you say that. That's adorable.

[Frank Caliendo]

Are we. Are we butting up against the Brady segment? No. Oh, because he just looks antsy. Like he's got to get to something gassy.

[John Holmberg]

He's got a little gas. Sorry, Just burping. He'll be fine.

[Frank Caliendo]

I gotta pay.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah. And by the way, I got this.

[Frank Caliendo]

Oh, sorry.

[John Holmberg]

That's the most producing that's ever been done in this room, by the way. We gotta move on. We gotta get to Brady's segment.

[Frank Caliendo]

It was antsy. And we got. How we doing on commercial?

[John Holmberg]

That's Brady quote, preparing.

[Frank Caliendo]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

He gets nervous. He's got the reads. But you showed me a video of Jerry Jones on Landman doing a scene. He's going to win an Emmy.

[Frank Caliendo]

I mean, that's.

[John Holmberg]

He's incredible. And that makes me want to watch the show again. Until I watch. It isn't just the girls. Everybody outside of Billy Bob Thornton and Jon Hamm on that show are horrible actors. Like, noticeably high school bad.

[Frank Caliendo]

Do you think they walk around going, do you think we could just play all these parts? What if we just play all of them? I could put on a different. I could put on a different wig.

[John Holmberg]

I think we can do this. Yeah. I love that Jon Hammond him are in there. And they have to look at these high school actors. The dude that stays in the house with Billy Bob Thornton, horrible actor. Like, one of the worst I've ever seen. Oh, Kato Kaelin would have been a nice choice. Is that who that is? I don't know who it is, but the dude can't do it. And the. The son, Billy Bob's son is a terrible. Everybody on the show can't act except those two. And then you bring Jerry Jones to the party and he blows everybody out of the water.

[Frank Caliendo]

I have been instructed to give a dissertation on how to be better at this than all of you. He was studied for years.

[John Holmberg]

Incredible. It's like giving Jerry Jones a guitar with Eric Clapton and saying, can you think I'll give it a try. Let's fly the bumblebee. First day. It's amazing how good he was. So thank you for that. I don't know that I need to See the rest of the show though?

[Frank Caliendo]

No, no, because just that I just wanted you to see that. I thought you'd probably talked about Jerry Jones, you know, being an impression you do, so.

[John Holmberg]

No, I didn't even know he was in it. I quit on the show. Billy Bob's the impression.

[Frank Caliendo]

But it was like news for a bit. So I thought you. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And you're.

[Frank Caliendo]

I've been on the Internet.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I don't, I don't. I don't dabble anymore. It's dangerous over there. I just grow the mustache and wait at bus stops.

[Frank Caliendo]

I think you. I think you're doing it right.

[John Holmberg]

It's the smart thing spending the phrase I always say. And I did it to you and there isn't even an end joke to it. It's like, what are you. Like you'll. You laughed when you saw my, my mustache and I couldn't look at you. By the way, if you want to see my mustache, it'll be on display tonight at Four Peaks when we go out to deliver the homburg bound beer to everybody.

[Frank Caliendo]

Oh, good.

[John Holmberg]

So 6 to 8 o'clock, I'll have it on. But people say that and they go, what are you doing? Or you just started laughing and I'm like, well, it is Girl Scout cookies season. And the second you say that, people are both, oh, he knows. And they're disturbed. Cuz it's a pedophile's mustache. Yeah, it's going to get worse.

[Frank Caliendo]

I actually think ped. Pedophiles would probably run from you. I think they'd be like, he's letting.

[John Holmberg]

Everybody know he's too obvious. Dude, put the kids down. Let's go.

[Frank Caliendo]

He's hiding in plain sight and that's not good for us.

[John Holmberg]

I just want to have a blanket over my shoulder. Holding a bottle, standing in a like looking lost anywhere, like in a safe way. Did you lose your baby?

[Frank Caliendo]

No.

[John Holmberg]

What are you doing? I'm looking for one. Just bait in my hand.

[Frank Caliendo]

But you are constantly eating cookies that have been left out for you.

[John Holmberg]

Waiting for Chris Hansen to come around the corner. Morning sickness.

[Frank Caliendo]

Holmberg's morning sickness.

[John Holmberg]

Have you seen Chris Hansen's new thing?

[Frank Caliendo]

Didn't Trump get him on board? Yes. We're going to use the best. We're going to get the best guy, Chris Hansen. He's going to catch bad guys, immigrants.

[John Holmberg]

This is the best thing I've ever seen. He goes in and goes, how you doing? Como estaustet? He walks in because they don't speak English. And the one dude Just he still gets them to. Because for a while, Catch a Predator, they would fool them into thinking they were talking to a teenager. And then the lawyers all got him to where they're like, well, no, they were talking to somebody of age. None of what they did was illegal, as it turns out. So they were all free to go for real. So there was no arrests. And then a couple people killed themselves. So it became this entrapment thing. They found a loophole to now try to get illegal immigrants to talk to teenagers and show up, because then they can arrest them. So it's like they show up and one guy just takes all his clothes off when the teenage girl leaves the kitchen and just starts sipping on a Coke. And Chris Hansen comes around the corner and goes, buenos dias. And the guy's like, oh, elios mio, this is it. And he's there to, to have sex with an underage kid.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah. What was that for? The $50 was for sexo con chica.

[John Holmberg]

Quincer doesn't speak Spanish. Yeah.

[Frank Caliendo]

And you said you wanted a. From her and we're going to pay her $50. Are you here in this country legally? Do you have U.S. citizenship? But you came here, Marvin, for sexual Conchico quince.

[John Holmberg]

He says that's to all of them, Conchito anos or whatever. Oh, it's so good.

[Frank Caliendo]

Take down with Chris.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that's the ICE agent. So they got him now where he, he takes down illegal aliens trying to have sex with 15 year old girls. And they're, they're using the 20 year old girls to get them, but when they show up, they're really. It's just an ICE sting. It's. It's my favorite thing on tv and it's hard to find because it's on something called True Blue. So you gotta dig for it.

[Frank Caliendo]

Tell you what I would love to see Jerry Jones and Trap. I think we could take the best of what I just did on Landman and funnel it toward these illegal aliens.

[John Holmberg]

How would you do that, Jerry? How would you, how would you stop them?

[Frank Caliendo]

First of all, I would have some good cookies.

[John Holmberg]

What would your, what would your Internet name be to lure these guys in?

[Frank Caliendo]

Emmett Smith. Because he could, he could break through the line and we would see Jerry.

[John Holmberg]

On the computer going, yeah, I'm 12 and I'd love to blow you today for 50American dollars. Do you have American money or are you still spending pesos? I would love that. I think that that show Conchito, there's another thing that I am God To. I didn't know you're coming, but I want to talk about the. Go ahead, Jerry.

[Frank Caliendo]

How about them, cowboy?

[John Holmberg]

He has to throw that in there.

[Frank Caliendo]

And before. Before you go to jail, just say one last thing.

[John Holmberg]

See? See?

[Frank Caliendo]

How about them? It'd be an honor for them.

[John Holmberg]

Am I off the hook, Mr. Jones? Oh, hell no.

[Frank Caliendo]

Say it again.

[John Holmberg]

How about them caballeros? See, A sexo a quanto inos.

[Frank Caliendo]

See, I just said figure three of beagles. My little boy, my little buttercup.

[John Holmberg]

He makes El Wapo sing. You said you were el wapo. 69. I'm doing George Bush. I don't know. There's a Spongebob episode that was banned. Do you know about it?

[Frank Caliendo]

Yes, I was in it.

[John Holmberg]

Were you? You were. That was your episode. I didn't know this, but it's. They're talking about releasing it. Was banned because of. Content was too racy. And Spongebob's very funny, but Mr. Krabs had a midlife crisis.

[Frank Caliendo]

This is real.

[John Holmberg]

This is a real episode, and they're. They're going to release it.

[Frank Caliendo]

Trust.

[John Holmberg]

You telling me anything. I feel like you're the mustache. Well, I'm talking about kids cartoons right now. Yeah, I know. Oh, no.

[Frank Caliendo]

Very natural for you.

[John Holmberg]

It was 2003. Mr. Krabs has a midlife crisis, and SpongeBob and Patrick try to, like, cheer him up and stuff.

[Frank Caliendo]

Well, think about. Think about Mr. Krabs. He just wanted to work with his kids.

[John Holmberg]

The little crab kids. Yeah, the crab kids. And they couldn't air it because part of a way to make Mr. Krabs feel good again and young again is to do a panty raid. And so Mr. Krabs busts into a house to do a panty raid. And he's holding them up, and he's like, panty raid. He's doing a thing. It's his mother's house. It's Mrs. Krabs. It's his mom's panties.

[Frank Caliendo]

Which panties. Crabs.

[John Holmberg]

All terrible things. All bad to put together. And they were gonna air it, and they're like, this is just brilliant. And now, 22 years later, they're like, we should show this to people. It's really good. And so there's a debate on whether or not people can take it. Mr. Krabs raiding his mother's underpants drawer, which I think has to happen today. So I've been trying to find it. You can watch. It's called Midlife Crust, and it's like a very special spongebob. But spongebob And Patrick, helping him out, come up with Panty Raid. And I thought when I read that, oh, that's about, you know, you can't do that to girls. And it's, you know, sexualizing and degrading. Nope. It's because it gets incestuous at the end. And he steals his own mother's underwear, which I would like to watch with my mustache on. Isn't that crazy, though? In 2003, they had that. So they just reran something else and said. And they were talking about getting rid of the whole show. Like, they're like, this can't. I don't know.

[Frank Caliendo]

SpongeBob.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know what you mean.

[Frank Caliendo]

From an unaired episode. We have to get rid of this.

[John Holmberg]

Well, they were talking about, like it was punishment worthy. Like people were gonna lose their jobs.

[Frank Caliendo]

Listen, we're going to bring back the special episode of spongebob, the best. The one where he gets in the Panty Raid and it's his mom's house.

[John Holmberg]

You can fix that.

[Frank Caliendo]

You can fix everything. We could just. We could turn it like a switch. Like turning on the water in California.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And evidently there's a line where he goes, we should have told him, Patrick. And he's in his mom's house. So he's just. He's on a rampage. So he's like a rapist. He can't control himself. I've got to see this episode of television. It would be like, you know, Fred got drunk and. And banged, you know. Betty.

[Frank Caliendo]

Betty.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And he had to explain it to Barney. Hey, what's up, Freddy? Oh, Bon. Rough knife.

[Frank Caliendo]

I got a little bad news for you.

[John Holmberg]

You think you'd tell him? Yeah, but Dabba do.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah, but Dabba don't.

[John Holmberg]

We gotta make a list.

[Frank Caliendo]

Barney, those are my Fruity Pebbles.

[John Holmberg]

Are you a fruit? Yeah, Cartoons, doing adult stuff, the laugh going. And then he walks back into the house and just like. How could you start smacking Betty around? Because he's a caveman. That's what he would do. He would abuse his wife at that point. She had no rights. Those ladies were too loud for my taste. Anyway, Frank Caliento's here to talk about whatever it is you want to talk about. You want to come to the thing tonight, Frank? The beer release. You should come with.

[Frank Caliendo]

No, I might have a dinner I'm planning. No, I might go. I might come.

[John Holmberg]

You're not now.

[Frank Caliendo]

I might because of that. And you trap me, Chris Hansen. No way.

[John Holmberg]

Buenos dias. What is the. How do you say, 15? Oh, my God. Yeah, quinceanos. And he's talking into his phone the whole show because he's translating. But they never show the phone. Read it to the guy you were gonna have sex for $50 with a 15 year old. And then they. And then the guy just goes.

[Frank Caliendo]

You.

[John Holmberg]

Say you're sorry, like they're having the conversation, but neither of them are speaking the same language. So they cut out all the phone translation. It's. It's the best show going that needs to be on a big network because True Blue doesn't show it right. Tonight we'll do some of that ourselves. If you'd like to come down and find a child predator, see if you can spot him when you walk in.

[Frank Caliendo]

I think it's pretty simple.

[John Holmberg]

The guy with a mustache. Homurg Bound beer is available tonight. And I think you can still order six packs. I think the. The commemorative glasses are all gone. 98kupd.com we'll be there from 6 to 8 tonight over at Four Peaks in Tempe. It works out that easily. And all the proceeds go to help the Arizona Humane Society, which is never a bad thing.

[Frank Caliendo]

And I might go.

[John Holmberg]

You're not going.

[Frank Caliendo]

On my way to my sound check at the Desert Ridge Improv for this weekend.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, you're doing that tonight? Yeah.

[Frank Caliendo]

It's not a gratuitous plug or anything? No, I'm at the Desert Ridge Improv this weekend.

[John Holmberg]

I plugged my thing and you stole it and made it about you and that I like.

[Frank Caliendo]

I mean, it's.

[John Holmberg]

No, that's pretty good. Okay, I'm in on that. So you got the sound check after Frank Kelly Ando Mayor man.

[Frank Caliendo]

I might condone your thing. I'm thinking about it.

[John Holmberg]

You can think about it all day.

[Frank Caliendo]

That's why I phrased it that way.

[John Holmberg]

And you can. One hand to think about it all day. And which one's gonna fill up first? I don't know if that's a sentence. It's not a thing. It's Billy Bob just telling you to take crap in your hand. But yeah. So tonight Frank Caliendo joins us at Four Peaks. Guaranteed six to eight o'clock.

[Frank Caliendo]

You can't see me, I'm in the mustache.

[John Holmberg]

It's guaranteed. I caught it while you thinking about it and I thought, you know, what's. What's stopping you. Might as well close that deal as well. Yeah, might as well. If I can get. Where is it?

[Frank Caliendo]

This is becoming a better Four Peaks.

[John Holmberg]

On Tempe or in Tempe?

[Frank Caliendo]

It's even closer.

[John Holmberg]

To my house.

[Brady Bogan]

University of McClintock.

[Frank Caliendo]

It's a little further.

[John Holmberg]

You can put it in GPS. They've got ways to find it out of this.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah, Driving zone.

[John Holmberg]

You'll get there. You could waymo. Have you waymoed yet?

[Frank Caliendo]

Get hammered.

[John Holmberg]

No, you got a Waymo, but it's a game changing machine.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah, everybody says it's great.

[John Holmberg]

So great. No people. You don't. You especially. You especially.

[Frank Caliendo]

Hey Jerry, have you waymoed? I way mode.

[John Holmberg]

Morning sickness.

[Frank Caliendo]

Holmberg's morning sickness.

[John Holmberg]

You don't have to. I still like way more better than.

[Frank Caliendo]

You thought it was going to be Jerry Jones.

[John Holmberg]

Instead it's just Jones and not Seinfeld. And it's the same cast of characters. Except Seinfeld's not in it. I'm the master of my domain.

[Frank Caliendo]

Have you ever. You ever walk? Walking a dog? Walking the dog and the dog takes a dump. If aliens came down and they see you picking that up, who's walking who?

[John Holmberg]

Who's in charge of what? We'll be right back with more Jerry Jones. I would watch a Jerry Jones show instead of Jenny Jones. So many things from the 90s. He could have taken over. Would have been so much better. We could just do parodies of Jerry all day. Jerry's we'd call him. And we would do it all day long. It's too good. And tonight we might do some live at Four Peaks when Frank shows up at about 5:30. He's gonna be early. Sign an autograph and balloons for the kids. So that's how it works. Yeah, everything's coming back. Kids get telling you the mustache changes things. That's all you think about is people's children. Brett, what do you got on the big board of musical treats?

[Brady Bogan]

Wake Up Song brought to you by Action Ride Shop, of course. And the news shop is getting closer and closer. I believe February 8th is when they're gonna be open over there on Power and McDowell right by the Hawes trailhead. But in the meantime, head on over to the hq, the main store over there on Gilbert Road in Southern. Get all the stuff to get up north. Going snowboarding, skiing.

[John Holmberg]

There's snow I know snowed last night. Actually have real snow up there. You can use the Action Ride Shop stuff for real.

[Frank Caliendo]

I made that happen. I brought the snow.

[John Holmberg]

I brought the made winter.

[Frank Caliendo]

Great again.

[John Holmberg]

Winto great. That's what I call that flavor.

[Frank Caliendo]

It's very good and it lasts. It's not like Fruit Stripe scum. It doesn't just go away. It lasts a long, long time.

[John Holmberg]

Frank keeps sending me this progressive video of Melania and Donald walking into the house, of the White House. And behind them is Baron. And it's the real video. Then the next one, Baron, has been enlarged, and then the last one was just his legs coming through. Humongous. And it's the funniest thing I've seen on the Internet in forever. I don't know why it gets me every time you send it. I'm like, you already sent this. And Baron's a little bigger.

[Frank Caliendo]

It's like Ant man in his giant form.

[John Holmberg]

Right. He's just. And you just see the legs. And Melania and Donald are like. It's because it's them in the regular one. But when he's walking behind him, there's no reaction. They're just not surprised at his gigantism. Oh, it's the funniest thing the Internet has right now. That's why I turned the Internet off. And plus, he's a good kid. Is he. How old is he? Young, right?

[Frank Caliendo]

He's like 16 to 18 somewhere in there. But he looks like a hitman. He is like Slender man as a hitman.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Frank Caliendo]

I think he's in college because he got.

[John Holmberg]

Never mind. No longer the mustache and I don't care anymore.

[Frank Caliendo]

Business school.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's enough. All right. What do you got, Brett?

[Frank Caliendo]

All right.

[Brady Bogan]

On the list, Megadeth, Motley Crue, Def Leppard, Offspring, do, stp, Faith no More, ac, dc, Anthrax, Soil, Fear Factory, Stained, and a new one from Scott Sta.

[John Holmberg]

That's my thing. Because I brought up Cracker man yesterday. We're going to play Cracker Man. I can't not hear that song. So we'll do Cracker man as the Wake up song. Other than all the stuff we've not chatted about. Frank, how are you?

[Frank Caliendo]

Great.

[John Holmberg]

Everything's good.

[Frank Caliendo]

Oh, yeah. Everything's fantastic.

[John Holmberg]

Selling out up there at the My.

[Frank Caliendo]

Mark Wahlberg all of a sudden. Did you fix.

[John Holmberg]

I don't believe that it's that good.25 setup.

[Frank Caliendo]

No, it's not. It's horrific. Life is awful.

[John Holmberg]

That's why I'm here.

[Frank Caliendo]

Who else? Why would I.

[John Holmberg]

Why are you.

[Frank Caliendo]

Pick me up?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Are you impressed with the human experience at all?

[Frank Caliendo]

Haven't.

[John Holmberg]

I haven't really been paying attention, like, as humanity. I'm saying it's just in general, when people say how beautiful this all is.

[Frank Caliendo]

No, it's garbage.

[John Holmberg]

I think so, too.

[Frank Caliendo]

Bunch of huge. It's just mistake after mistake after mistake.

[John Holmberg]

It's another kick to the Nuts. Every single day. You gotta overcome.

[Frank Caliendo]

Unbelievable. And I'm doing well.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Frank Caliendo]

In it.

[John Holmberg]

How would it be?

[Frank Caliendo]

I can't stand it. You want to join my club?

[John Holmberg]

I am in this club.

[Frank Caliendo]

You are?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's right. Life, people.

[Frank Caliendo]

I turn into Bill Bark.

[John Holmberg]

What's this? Billy Corgan's not my brother.

[Frank Caliendo]

Shut up. That's fake, right?

[John Holmberg]

That's fake.

[Frank Caliendo]

And now that I look at you, you could be the. Another.

[John Holmberg]

The Corgan verse. Yeah. They. It isn't fake.

[Frank Caliendo]

It's been.

[John Holmberg]

But they don't like talking about it. And they got mad at each other and how else thing. Well, Bill Burgess. Like who. That's.

[Frank Caliendo]

Because how he brought.

[John Holmberg]

We want to talk about this.

[Frank Caliendo]

That's how he brings it up.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know how that happens. Like, Howie Mandel gets that.

[Frank Caliendo]

What's this guy doing here?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Frank Caliendo]

What's this guy?

[John Holmberg]

And he's just. He's sitting on his back.

[Frank Caliendo]

I had dinner with Billy Corrigan one time.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, really?

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah. It was in Vegas at Cafe Moderno.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Frank Caliendo]

In the Rio. And he's. I think he's allergic to cheese. And Moderno's. Doesn't really change anything.

[John Holmberg]

Dairy or.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah, I think it's all dairy.

[John Holmberg]

He's lactose intolerant.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah, I think that's what it was. And they don't change anything in the menu. He's like, but I have. I get sick. I think. I can't. All right. Then they changed.

[John Holmberg]

They did give him cheeseless stuff. He's a rat in a cage with nothing to eat. Because that's all they do is eat cheese. That's interesting. Now it's lyrics. Knowing that he's allergic to cheese and dairy.

[Frank Caliendo]

Or he made it up. Like, maybe he's just a. Maybe. Wait a second. I'm sorry. It was lunch with John Lovitz. And he was just lying the whole time. I'm Billy Corgan.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. That could be ticket. That might be it. That's more reasonable.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

When people say life is short, I'm like, no, it's not.

[Frank Caliendo]

No.

[John Holmberg]

This is a long, long time.

[Frank Caliendo]

And when you have kids, it gets longer. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

There's nothing about. I do think every day's a gift. I'm like, what are you talking.

[Frank Caliendo]

It's like my kids. I. Who are good kids.

[John Holmberg]

I like it.

[Frank Caliendo]

Kids are good kids.

[John Holmberg]

But Joey's fun to hang out with.

[Frank Caliendo]

He is almost too fun.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Frank Caliendo]

He's almost too like. He makes me feel like I. You didn't do everything I could have in life.

[John Holmberg]

No. Yeah. He's ambitious and he's social, and you're the opposite.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah. And Uncle Chris is taking him to Vegas for 21st birthday.

[John Holmberg]

You're not gonna go?

[Frank Caliendo]

I don't think. No, it's a father son. I mean, you with that mustache I think would be perfect for it.

[John Holmberg]

Wait, you're not going to Vegas for your son's 21st birthday? His uncle's taking him.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah, I don't. I don't.

[John Holmberg]

And you don't want to tag along?

[Frank Caliendo]

He wants me to. Not Joey. No.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, Chris does. Joey doesn't want you there. Yeah, no, no, Joey would want me there. We hang out, we have fun.

[Frank Caliendo]

Uncle Chris, for people to know is a bet. If you took the Sopranos and multiplied it by a thousand, that's like. You can tell how Italian he is by the lack of neck. The. The more Italian you get, the higher the shoulders get.

[John Holmberg]

Brett's starting to see that.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah. When the. When the shoulders can actually touch the ears, it's over.

[John Holmberg]

You're officially. You're Italian.

[Frank Caliendo]

You're in. You're in. Huh? It's a meme. Mario.

[John Holmberg]

So he's taking the boy up to Vegas and you're just like. Ah.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah. I don't know. I just feel like you and him.

[John Holmberg]

Go up to Vegas every once. I was with you guys for the.

[Frank Caliendo]

Summer league, all kinds of stuff.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but you don't want to go there.

[Frank Caliendo]

You'll do the Chuck E. Cheese thing with him the night before. Showbiz.

[John Holmberg]

Showbiz. Pizza. Yeah, that's a good idea. On. On the 25th of July.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah, 26th.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I'm the 26th. I thought he was.

[Frank Caliendo]

It's the same day he was birthday. Twins.

[John Holmberg]

I know. We were twins.

[Frank Caliendo]

He's got. He shaved his goatee. He only has a creepy mustache.

[John Holmberg]

Is that true?

[Frank Caliendo]

No. Thank God.

[John Holmberg]

I'll talk to him. I'll text him and say, you know what?

[Frank Caliendo]

He's too old for you.

[John Holmberg]

Mustache. I know he's way too old, but. But he's not too old.

[Frank Caliendo]

Relax. Leonardo DiCreprio.

[John Holmberg]

Is that a line from Mean Girls or something?

[Frank Caliendo]

No, I just made it up. It was freaking brilliant.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it was pretty good. Anyway, so.

[Frank Caliendo]

And I didn't have it until it was coming out of my mouth.

[John Holmberg]

And that's something you've said I didn't have. It came from my mouth.

[Frank Caliendo]

So why am I here? Because I'm at the Desert Ridge Improv this weekend.

[John Holmberg]

Gonna get to that.

[Frank Caliendo]

I know, but I.

[John Holmberg]

Birthday weekend and mention Brady's birthday and Frank gives you a Free joke.

[Frank Caliendo]

I just imagined Brady without the goatee.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it's good stuff there. It's just Andy Reid. Yeah.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah, it is kind of. You've seen me that. Yeah, Yeah, I guess. Twice.

[John Holmberg]

I guess you dressed him up as Andy Reid before.

[Frank Caliendo]

You look different all of a sudden.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah. Brady smiles when people tell him he looks like Andy Reid. I don't think anybody should smile when they say, hey, you look like Andy Reid. It's funny. I know, but isn't that sad?

[Frank Caliendo]

Don't care.

[John Holmberg]

You do a little. Everyone does a little.

[Frank Caliendo]

There should be a website that's people that look like Brady Bogan. That's people that look like Kenny Rogers. And that would get.

[John Holmberg]

We had a Brady contest and just a load of. Because I think it's the most unbelievably similar body shape there is on the planet. There's hundreds. I see 10 or 12 Brady's a day. And people send.

[Frank Caliendo]

We get emails left over, probably 10. Because they're bowling pins.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, one falls, though, you get a set of.

[Frank Caliendo]

That's how we travel.

[John Holmberg]

But it's really odd because they're everywhere. So we had a Brady contest, like a MILF contest, and a bunch of dudes in here. And there was a guy that won.

[Frank Caliendo]

You did this?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Dan Bungarts won it. And I swear to God, you wouldn't know them. They stood in the hallway together and we all just were. Our jaws were dropped, like. Like, if there's a God, that's the laziest he's ever been. He's just like, ah, use the same one as the last guy. Make another one. He made thousands of Brady's.

[Frank Caliendo]

This is like central casting when you show up, you know, for an audition and you see how the world sees you. And there's seven other fat guys that.

[John Holmberg]

Look sort of like you look like. Yeah.

[Frank Caliendo]

Like you're all the same person. Just slightly different stage of life.

[John Holmberg]

Right.

[Frank Caliendo]

And you're looking at each person going, this is what people see when they see me.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. It's a real eye opener.

[Frank Caliendo]

I've got to change.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I got to do something about this.

[Frank Caliendo]

I remember there was like, in. Not in one that I went to, but there was Dane Cook, Harlan Williams, who's the guy from Maine. That sounds like Cliff. Bob Marley.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, Bob Marley.

[Frank Caliendo]

All those, like, they were always all at the same audition.

[John Holmberg]

Same lanky, long guy.

[Frank Caliendo]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And that's how people are. Like catering. Yeah. There's Brady at the airport. What is him. But you wouldn't know if I Sent that to you and said, look, I found Brady at the airport.

[Frank Caliendo]

Wait, I thought that was actually Brady.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, they're everywhere.

[Frank Caliendo]

It's not Brady.

[John Holmberg]

Nope. It's a guy in an Ohio State shirt sleeping.

[Frank Caliendo]

I have sent you a couple fake. That guy's six.

[John Holmberg]

Three there are. And yeah, that's the one thing. His legs are like, so he's rushing.

[Frank Caliendo]

Nesting doll Brady pop off.

[John Holmberg]

The third one is Brady, but you can just break them open. There's Brady's inside them like Cadbury Brady's.

[Frank Caliendo]

And they stop motion, move around like back in Sesame Street.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but that's the most common body.

[Frank Caliendo]

The suitcases was once filled with food.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Just knocked it over.

[Frank Caliendo]

Handed his pants.

[John Holmberg]

Why wouldn't it be?

[Frank Caliendo]

No, you're right.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Frank Caliendo]

If you're thinking about yourself, he's.

[John Holmberg]

He's pretty much. Yeah. Ohio State won the national championship.

[Frank Caliendo]

That's why I thought. That's why I thought Brady, too, was the.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, the Ohio State thing. Yeah. No, that's there. He's everywhere. So we've had content sent me. Yeah. The big Brady off and a guy named Dan Bungarts1. And he won like a. Like a game room or something. I don't know. But we gave him all sorts of stuff for just looking with Ronnie. Yeah. And Ronnie didn't notice, other than it was pleasurable. Yeah. Yeah.

[Frank Caliendo]

Why is it so good?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Why is this, man?

[Frank Caliendo]

Why is this like a man?

[John Holmberg]

There's no crying. This is amazing. From Brady. All right, let's do some Cracker man, here at Stone Temple Pilots. Frank Caleando's gonna be here all day, I guess. And then tonight at Four Peaks and then this weekend at Desert Ridge. You're everywhere around.

[Frank Caliendo]

Do you even know how to get. I don't even know how to get to Desert ridge. Is it desertridgeimprov.com? i still go to cblive.com.

[John Holmberg]

No, it's dead and gone.

[Frank Caliendo]

No, you can go to Desert Ridge. Improv through that.

[John Holmberg]

Stop telling me the reason.

[Frank Caliendo]

I'm telling you that. Yeah, they probably don't want you to know that because they'll get rid of it eventually. But me, for me, it extends the plug.

[John Holmberg]

Like the topic. Let's talk about it.

[Frank Caliendo]

Joe Biden.

[John Holmberg]

Smart. It's Cracker man, everybody. It's your Wake up song. It's 98 Cracker Man.

[Frank Caliendo]

It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee.

[John Holmberg]

I have heard enough of this.