01-29-26 - FULL SHOW - THURSDAY - Holmbergs Morning Sickness 98 KUPD

Summary

Podcast Summary: Holmberg's Morning Sickness – FULL SHOW – Thursday, 01-29-26

Podcast: Holmberg's Morning Sickness – 98 KUPD
Date: January 29, 2026
Hosts: John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo, Dale Hellestrae
Guest: Adam Ferrara (comedian, Desert Ridge Improv)

---

Episode Overview

This episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness covers the usual blend of local Arizona culture, listener emails, sports talk, comedic banter, and biting commentary on national issues. The crew (led by John Holmberg) navigates topics from listener interactions and spring training invites, to deep dives on conspiracy theories, reflections on AI and reading culture, the state of local sports franchises, and more. Adam Ferrara joins in the final segment, sharing stories about family, therapy, and the entertainment industry.

---

Main Themes and Discussions

1. Starting the Day with Listener Love and Emails (01:00–06:39)

• John opens with a positive email from Roy, a listener who invites him and the crew to a VIP lounge at the Cubs/Giants spring training opener. John is delighted, jokingly calling himself "the fabric of this market."
• Contrasts this with “typical” angry emails accusing him of failing to condemn murder as terrorism, reflecting on the polarized state of society, pressuring everyone to “pick a side.”
• Holmberg pushes back:

  "I'm not taking a side until I'm sure. Everything in the world to me right now is like your first day in prison: you gotta pick a side or else. I'm not doing that." (07:00)

2. Media, Scandal, and The Nuance of Taking Sides (06:39–16:12)

• The team discusses how society reacts instantly to controversy – referencing police shootings, old media moments (Rodney King, O.J., Matt Lauer’s rape allegations, Bill Cosby’s admissions), and how the truth is rarely simple.
• Holmberg expresses reluctance to immediately believe any single narrative, noting both the need for due process and the way power structures manipulate outcomes.

  "You don't know the whole story unless you were part of it. And she's telling her side of it... if you go back a bunch, you're starting to put yourself in a situation where you're like, are you trying to get raped so you can recreate the blood stains and then say, look what he did, or is it going stop?" (12:04)

• Commentary on how political bias affects comedy appreciation—audiences might reject a comedian's jokes if politically misaligned.

3. Restaurants, Immigration, and “Human Trafficking” Stories (16:12–38:52)

• John recounts his days managing Arizona kitchens and unintentionally facilitating labor trafficking, referencing widespread undocumented employment (the legendary "Chris Valenzuela" network), joking,

  "I, John Holmberg, proud human trafficker, without knowing it, my apologies. We didn't harm any families, though. We weren't doing anything terrible... Just full bellies and smiling whites." (25:51)

• The crew discusses the Zips scandal (local news on kitchen staff documentation), recalling their own complicity in similar arrangements.
• Anecdotes about “Valenzuela Training Centers” and the secret to fast, consistent food service in Arizona chain restaurants.

4. Conspiracy Deep-Dive: “Baron Trump,” Time Travel, and the Simulation Theory (41:02–62:32)

• John leads a lengthy detour through the “Adventures of Baron Trump” books (from 1890s), their weird overlaps with real Trump family names/events, connections to Nikola Tesla, John Trump (Donald’s uncle), and Wernher von Braun’s “Elon” in a Mars society.
• Reflects on simulation theory, solipsism, and explores what it means to only “know” what you experience.

  "You have to know something to deny it. If I don't know... I assume he existed, but I don't know anything about him, so he doesn't exist to me. But because I know you, I can place that there." (54:30)

• Endlessly jokes about his hatred for reading, advocating for gleaning knowledge from “people who read and tell you the good parts.”

Notable Quote:

"All I'm saying is it's an interesting topic. Everybody can poo poo... I'm not saying everything is real... I didn't say everything is real and..." (70:39)

5. On Reading, Books vs. Movies, and Generational Gaps (62:32–83:35)

• Extended riffs on why reading books is overrated, the rise of audiobooks, and how people now prefer short-form, digestible media.
• Playful mocking:

  "Reading is dumb. You gotta learn to read. But you don't have to learn to read books. If it's a good book, it'll be a good movie; if it's not a good book it'll be a bad movie." (64:37)

• The crew discusses how book-lovers resent when film/TV adaptations let “lazy” people skip the heavy lifting.

6. Adam Ferrara In-Studio: Comedy, Therapy, Mushrooms, and Family (119:15–151:54)

• Adam recounts his experience with psychedelics (“mushroom journey”) and the importance of “surrendering expectations,” leading to insight:

  "I will surrender my expectations… that’s the message." (125:54)

• Stories of being in showbiz, family support, Italian-American upbringing, his mother as “original Twitter,” and the intersection of therapy, Catholic confession, and dark thoughts.
• Reflections on parental advice, childhood, and the expectations vs. results in adult life.

7. Local Sports and Arizona Cardinals’ Dysfunction (155:19–181:54)

• Dale Hellestrae and John dissect the miserable state of the Arizona Cardinals, failed coaching searches, and what makes a doomed franchise.
• Analysis of the Pro Bowl’s declining significance (“Shador Sanders would rank 692nd out of 696 with 20 snaps or more in NFL—yet he’s a Pro Bowler!”), flagged as a sign of the NFL scraping the bottom of the barrel.
• Holmberg’s Manifesto: Arizona is a great sports town afflicted with the nation’s worst ownership, and public/media should “shame Bidwell” until the team is sold.
• Dale’s story: NBA tapes, time zone confusion, and thinking he’d time-traveled by seeing himself on TV after an overseas flight.

8. Entertainment Drill, News, One-Liners, and Wrap-up (187:45–end)

• Bits on Bruce Willis’ dementia (“doesn’t know he has dementia, which makes him happy”), Kid Rock’s festival controversies, Bruce Springsteen’s new song (“Streets of Minneapolis”), and playful banter about bucket popcorn at the movies.
• John riffs:

  "The day we lost focus is the day men stopped wanting to have sex with women because of their political views… If you don't think Melania Trump would be a good roll because she's [Republican]... you didn't live a proper life." (192:42)

• Closing out with jokes about generational dating, intelligence in relationships, and high-fives for “nailing a socialist.”

---

Memorable Quotes & Timestamps

• "That's just the start of spring training this year."
  – Brady, on baseball in Arizona (05:01)

• "If you traffic them, keep them happy."
  – Holmberg, on unintentional labor trafficking in 1990s Arizona kitchens (27:54)

• "You don't know the whole story unless you were part of it."
  – Holmberg, Matt Lauer and Bill Cosby discussion (13:07)

• "Reading is dumb. If it's good, it'll be a movie."
  – Holmberg, on modern culture’s decline in book reading (64:37)

• "The trumps obtained time travel knowledge."
  – Holmberg, reciting Baron Trump time travel conspiracy rabbit hole (51:00)

• "I will surrender my expectations — that’s the message."
  – Adam Ferrara, recounting psychedelic revelation (125:52)

• "Five years without a playoff appearance, you have to get relegated out!"
  – Holmberg, on fixing NFL franchise ownership (172:46)

---

Notable Segment Timestamps

• Listener Email & Spring Training: 01:00–06:39
• Hot-Button Emails, Nuance & Society Polarization: 06:39–16:12
• Restaurant War Stories, Human Trafficking Satire: 16:12–38:52
• Baron Trump, Tesla, Simulation Theories: 41:02–62:32
• Reading, Media, Bookworms v. Skimmers: 62:32–83:35
• Interview: Adam Ferrara: 119:15–151:54
• Sports Hour: Cardinals Meltdown: 155:19–181:54
• Entertainment Drill, Closing Bits:187:45–end

---

Tone and Language

The episode is a mix of irreverence, sarcasm, and sharp social commentary. The banter is quick, sometimes politically incorrect, and the hosts frequently lampoon themselves, their industry, and the world at large. They shift between serious topics (local labor issues, national news, sports) and slapstick, often meta-comedy, poking fun at their own position in the Valley and media as a whole.

---

For New Listeners

This episode is a classic slice of "HMS"—tuning in offers a blend of Arizona pop culture, sports, national weirdness, and a window into how comedy can be used to skirt (and diffuse) the stress and absurdity of modern life. You'll also find strong personalities, frequent switches from deep dives to fart jokes, and a healthy skepticism for people who take themselves too seriously.

---

Bullet-Point Takeaways

• Listener engagement: From heartfelt invitations to hostile critics, the show’s relationship with its audience is intense and bidirectional.
• Nuanced views: Holmberg frequently resists pressure to “pick a side” on current events, urging listeners to wait for full stories.
• Restaurant life: The show reflected candidly and humorously on labor practices in local restaurants—equal parts social commentary and nostalgia.
• Conspiracy culture: The “Baron Trump” story illustrated how strange, sprawling, and appealing internet conspiracy narratives have become.
• The cult of “Not Reading”: Extended debate on why reading is overrated in the era of movies, audiobooks, and AI—satire, but with a generational message.
• Arizona sports woes: A deep, sometimes painful assessment of the Cardinals, local sports culture, and the impact of ownership on civic pride.
• Adam Ferrara: Standout guest for his open discussion of therapy, family, and the strange journey of adulthood.
• Closing: Spoofing modern dating, the show ended with blurring lines between the political, ridiculous, and carnal.

---

Final Thoughts

If you want an episode that captures the spirit of "Holmberg's Morning Sickness"—fearless, unfettered, and endlessly talkative—this Thursday show fit the bill. It's for fans of cynical wit, behind-the-scenes Arizona, and those who appreciate biting humor as a way to explore real issues.

---

Key:

• [HH:MM] = Timestamps
• Speaker attribution is within the summary per bullet/quote
• This summary skips ad reads, intros, and non-content sections as requested

Transcript

[John Holmberg]

You're listening to the HMS podcast brought to you by MMP Guns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories.

It's John Holmberg here from the morning sickness and I'm absolutely thrilled to tell you about my new [e-mail] here's the proof that me talking about something on the radio can be trusted. Because I purchased a 2024 customized Ford Bronco from the gang at Lifted Trucks. That opened my eyes to who and what these guys are all about. They not only have thousands of trucks to choose from, they also have nationwide shipping and they can get anything anywhere. My Bronco's been custom countless other pro athletes and celebrities. Now little old me. Choose lifted trucks and liftedtrucks.com work hard, play hard, drive harder.

[Brady]

You know.

[John Holmberg]

When you're looking for your fix of.

Comedy here in the Valley, we have.

Three amazing clubs that feature some of the best comedians in the world. Up on the north end of town, you can visit the beautiful Desert Ridge Improv. Downtown in Cityscape, you've got stand up live and Eastside. Right there in the heart of asu, it's the legendary Tempe Improv.

Plenty of entertainment for you and your.

Guests and you can even grab some food and drink.

So see why the Valley is a.

Comedy destination and get your tickets by going to desertridgeimprov.com standuplive.com and tempeimprov.com sickness. The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail. Good morning everybody. Hello there. Welcome to Thursday. It's 5:45. My name's John. There's Brady, there's Brett, there's Toledo. This is the morning sickness. And we're off and running, closing up the week a little bit. Thursday and Friday and we're out of here. And that's another perfect day here in paradise. Just be happy you're here. What a guy. Did everyone else start their day off with an email like this? My God, this is fantastic. Says, hey John, my name's Roy. I'm a member of the Scottsdale Charos. I would like to invite you and three guests.

One, two, three.

There's four of us in here right now. To the Charles Lounge at Scottsdale Stadium for the opening day of spring training. Cubs and Giants. It's a private, all inclusive VIP space inside the stadium. Great sight lines, food, drinks room full of people who love the game and community as much as John does. There really isn't a better ticket in spring Training my personal seasonal table. I'd love for John to be a guest and experience the phenomenal day at the park because I know he's a big Cubs fan. Well, that's taking a couple of shots. Like, yeah, no, I'm huge. And entertaining me every morning for the past 16 years. Here's the part that most people don't start their day with. John is a part of the fabric of this market, and I'd be honored to host him. Well, I can't argue with this guy at all about anything he says. He seems to be on point, no strings attached, which I always love. And he wants to utilize the tickets. I can easily send them over in the MLB app, blah, blah, blah. If his schedule allows, I'd lock this in and take a memorable opening day for a lifelong Cubs fan. Opening day is a few short weeks away, so please let me know. I'm letting you know right now, Roy. You got yourself a deal, buddy. Clear your schedule. This guy is the type of person I want to hang out with. Someone who likes me a lot, someone who calls me the fabric of something. And it usually. That usually ends with, he's the fabric of the downfall of society. I've gotten a few of those, but that not him. This is fantabulous. Thanks, Roy. That's an awesome way to kick off the day. That's great. It's better than how I ended yesterday.

[Dale]

Yeah, that Charo setup is sweet.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I've been down there once before. I've never, like, stayed the whole time, but I've been down in there. It's pretty neat. The Charo lounge is awesome. Thank you, Roy.

It's a great stadium. I never been in a Charlotte lounge, though.

Yeah, Scottsdale's a good one. Spring training right around course. Scottsdale's a blast. And then the hidden gem to me is surprise. It's just too far away. Yeah, that. That is a. That's a beautiful, great park to watch spring training in. I even like Tempe. That's a good spot, if you like. Yeah, it's not good for anything but baseball, but if you got a good game. And the sight lines in there are awesome.

[Dale]

What is opening day coming up?

[John Holmberg]

Well, we got two weeks till pitchers and catchers, like, the end of February.

It looks like February if it's the right game. Cubs, Giants, 22nd, which is a Sunday.

These are starting early. Do we have the baseball classic this year?

I don't know.

That's an early start to spring.

[Dale]

I saw. I think the baseball classic is maybe a Day or two.

[John Holmberg]

Are they doing that though?

[Dale]

Well, it was on the marquee going.

[John Holmberg]

Up World Baseball Classic. That thing's awesome too. All right, well, anyway, thanks, man. We'll hit it.

[Dale]

Maybe there's just one. Would they do one game like a warm up, but one team playing the team usa?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I have no idea.

[Brady]

I don't know how.

[John Holmberg]

I don't even know if it's going to happen or. I don't know. I don't know the schedule on that. I just know when it happens. It's pretty great. But yeah, who knows? That's a full tournament. That's a two week tournament.

Yeah. So it looks like it's right here, this 22nd.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Sweet. That's just the start of spring training this year.

Pictures and catches are February 11th. They report.

Yeah. All right, well, I'm in. Thanks, man. That's cool. And anybody else that wants to call me. The fabric of the market. That's great. That's a lot better than the big nose liberal cuck Howard Stern. It's up there. I mean if you're going to get called anything in an email, that big nose Jew, liberal cuck Howard Stern wannabe versus fabric of the market. I mean there's an easy choice for me here. Which would you choose if you were you. Thank you. And then of course my brain automatically just, it's a trap. He thinks you're a big nose liberal cuck Jew. I don't know. Thank you, man. Then I got the one yesterday at the end that says, this is how I usually get emails, says, I understand you're immediately not condemning the murders as an act of terrorism. Like, oh boy, here we go. And I don't know when I said that. He says, I can tolerate differences of opinion, but I'm surprised. I don't want these ideas coming from my favorite radio show ever. You're going to be on the wrong side of cold blooded murder and masked so called agents who don't have body cams and insignias. I'm against murder. When have I ever sent them for murder? Well, that's probably. There's been occasions they're sorry, this guy's not wrong, but there's been times where I'm like, he should just murder him. That's probably situation. But yeah, I mean it's all just. It's usually in the heat of the moment. I don't really mean it. But yeah, yeah, no, I think that.

[Dale]

Happens most of the time.

[John Holmberg]

That's hard for me to. Hard for me to say. I haven't So I won't anyway. And they're talking, and he talks about the. The pretty shooting up there in Minnesota and all I said to. And he says, john, it's not about. Oh, they. This is when he says that somebody. Somebody must be pulling your strings. This is not about advertising. It's not about your radio station. It's about your integrity as a US Citizen. And you witnessed, like all of us, a man gunned down with his camera in hand, trying to help a woman. Shame on you for being on the wrong side of this. I don't know that I'm on the wrong side of it. I haven't chosen a side yet. I know it was horrible, but I don't know what happened. And that's what I keep telling people that email, this kind of stuff. That's my day ended yesterday. I'm like, I don't. I'm not taking a side until I'm sure. And. And for some reason, everything in the world to me right now is like, what you hear about your first day in prison. You got to pick a side or else. I'm not doing that. I.

[Dale]

Well, sometimes you do and sometimes you don't. I mean. I mean, everyone ends up picking a side in jail.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, in life, yeah.

[Dale]

Like certain situations.

[John Holmberg]

But you don't have to do it the first day story.

[Dale]

I'm like, oh, this.

[John Holmberg]

But you don't have to do it the first day. And usually you're influenced by whichever friend you have that's the most passionate because you don't want them to get pissed off. I don't have a side yet. I think it's terrible what happened. I also don't know what happened. I know the end of it. I know how it ended. I don't know what led up to it. I don't know any of it. So, yeah, I think I'm just trying to be smart.

[Dale]

I think it goes all the way back to, you know, remember when the. The Rodney King thing came out?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. But again, I mean, that's kind of.

[Dale]

When it started on the media side a little bit.

[John Holmberg]

But, I mean, O.J. and all. We've had those moments where this, you know, society's divided and the video has changed things. But, yep, for the most part, I. Yeah, you sit back and you're like, I don't know what happened. I wasn't. I wasn't privy to all of the information. I've seen something terrible. I recognize that. And that could go a horrible way. I'm not on the wrong side of anything. I'M not on a side yet. I just know for sure I don't want to be one of these lunatics that's angry like crazy and I am on the wrong side and I've pissed friends off and I've gone, I don't want to do that. I feel like my way is a more normal way than just going up. I've seen all I need to see. That's not what trials are about. Trials have the beginning, middle and end, not just what you think you heard and stuff. Like, for instance, the Matt Lauer thing, that's out right now. Have you seen that? No. One of his accusers? Well, no, no. She finally laid out all the details. Remember Matt Lauer from the Today show, evidently supposedly raped a girl in the Sochi Olympics. One of his workers who was basically, she was a cleanup lady. She was there to get information and then clean it up for the staff and, like, help them get through a day going, oh, Matt's going to do it. Like, she was the personal assistant almost. And so she was in Sochi, Russia, with him for the Olympics. Went up to his room, she gives, like, all the details, and they had some vodka, and she's like, this is Matt LAUER. He's like $25 million a year, guys. The highest paid employee at NBC. He's. Everything he says is, you know, solid gold. And so he's talking with her and stuff, and the next thing you know, they're messing around and he forces her to go back door. She's like, I really didn't want to, but they know I felt totally off. And everything was, what's happening? I couldn't force him off me. I couldn't. I couldn't fight him. I didn't know what. I'm in Russia. She goes, do I call the police in Russia? She goes, I didn't know what to do. She goes, there was blood everywhere. Oh, yeah. And she goes, and I just didn't know how to handle it. She said, and if it was anybody else had done it to me, I'd have called the kgb. She goes, but it was this dude was everything to the industry. So she freaked out. And then she called him and said, we need to talk and whatever. And he goes, when we get back to New York, we'll talk. So he invites her over to the. She gave all the details, invites her, nobody knew this part. Invites her over to the apartment afterwards and says, sorry I missed your emails and stuff. She goes, I just really want to talk to you, and I'm feeling terrible. For her. Because I've read all the stories about, oh, he did this, he did that. He did all these things. She goes to his apartment. He hands her a vodka and kind of winks at her like, remember that night he put towels on the bed? Like, huh? Remember? Because you bleed. He didn't say that, but that's why he put a bunch of towels down. She goes. It was like he was trying to recreate that night. And she goes. And he didn't realize that I had. I couldn't walk, I couldn't sit. Like, he did some damage, man. So I had heard that part. Her news story comes out. She goes back to his apartment. She goes, and then, you know, we're having vodka. I told him I didn't really want vodka. He wasn't drinking it. And he was looking at me like, you know, he's administering medicine. She was. Next thing you know, we're having sex again. And I'm like, oh, my gosh. Wait a minute. Seems like, okay, that's not.

[Dale]

Can't stop that.

[John Holmberg]

And then she said, and then it happened four more times.

[Dale]

Oh, geez.

[John Holmberg]

And I'm like, well, you had me after the first half of the story. And then you went back for four more sexual encounters. And it's a. Yeah.

[Dale]

You think it's a pretty easy ghost.

[John Holmberg]

I kind of had that.

[Dale]

Right. Like, after the first one. Well, if you're bleeding, I'm never see, you know, unless it's sure. At work, I have to be face to face, but I got nothing to do with that person.

[John Holmberg]

Right. But also, if it's like he raped you and stuff.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And you went back and he, you.

Know, went back four times.

You went back four times. So the story has a different nuance to it now. It's like, and she had sex job four more times.

[Dale]

So the job. Keeping the job.

[John Holmberg]

The job was more important.

[Dale]

Yeah. Than everything else.

[John Holmberg]

And she's going to blame the power structure, but it's like you kind of enforced the power structure by not saying anything. So I didn't know the whole story. I still think Matt Lauer is probably a jerk because he had that button at his desk that locked people in his office. He was not great. But both things can be true. Matt Lauer probably did some terrible stuff and used his power poorly. And you went back four times. That's crazy. So, yeah. You don't know the whole story unless you were part of it. And she's telling her side of it, and it's still, you know, you can't victim shame you're not supposed to, but if you go back a bunch, you're starting to put yourself in a situation where you're like, are you trying to get raped so you can recreate the blood stains and then say, look what he did. Or is it going stop? Is it going pretty well the next three times? You're like, well, that was just decent sex. I can't. Can't complain about that one. It sounds terrible, but it's true. Yeah. So I don't know the full stories of what went on, so you can yell at me if you want to.

[Dale]

It's new stuff on Bill Cosby as well. I saw that not Is not going as well as.

[John Holmberg]

No, Bill actually finally admitted it. Like, really admitted it. He goes, yeah, I used to get Quaaludes from a gynecologist and he played.

[Dale]

Poker with him that his medical license was yanked.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that dude was a crooked gynecologist and he ripped his med. And Bill had to say under deposition, you see, I used to get it from a friend at a poker game. Like, what? And he named names. I think that guy's probably dead now. Maybe not, but. So he gave the doctor up basically saying that dude was writing him scripts for Quaaludes with the intention of having sex with ladies. Jesus.

[Dale]

What does he got?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, seven different prescriptions.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

So he was going through bottles of Quaaludes. You see, it's time for another poker game at the Cosby house. It doesn't matter if we win or lose. Cuz I always come out with some pills. Your bill is. Yeah, so again, you don't know the whole story. You just make up your mind based on little bits of it. But I want you to keep thinking we're a fun show. I got another guy that said, I noticed that you. Two emails yesterday. It was hilarious. I noticed that you lean pretty right on this whole thing. And I'm like, all right, maybe. And then another one's like, you know, the left things. Like you're so liberal about, you know, if they pepper spray a hippie inside. But I'm like, I'm liberal, but I laugh. And I thought that was a funny. Yeah, but you're against. When I says. I'm like, no, I'm not. And then I get the back and forth. I just, I always email back. I'm like, are the dumb fart jokes or impressions and silliness that go on here not funny if I'm not politically aligned with you? Like, is the dumb stuff still.

[Dale]

Yeah, it probably goes away a Little.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I think it does. I kind of think it does. I don't think people will laugh at someone. Like, if Robert De Niro told a great joke, I think about, like, if. If there was a funny. Like a legitimately funny moment on the View, I don't think that I think the right would laugh at him now.

[Brady]

Nope.

[John Holmberg]

I just don't. Even if it was just like, look.

[Dale]

At this guy trying to be, like, funny.

[John Holmberg]

Letterman in the Velcro suit funny. If Whoopi Goldberg put on a Velcro suit, jumped on a trampoline and bounced into a wall and stuck, I'm not.

Sure that'd be funny.

It would be hilarious. But. But the jokes would start being about, you know, I don't know. They'd make it political.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I don't think we can do that anymore. I don't think we can get away, so.

[Dale]

Need to put the suit on.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They would do that. They would make it. That is.

[Adam Ferrara]

That.

[John Holmberg]

See, that would. And if she could do that, even funnier. But y. So I'm trying to be. I'm trying to be normal. I'm just trying to normalize my own brain so I don't jump.

[Dale]

Those are great moments when that happens.

[John Holmberg]

When Whoopi smashes into water. That would be awesome.

[Dale]

I'd watch that, like. But when someone, you know, brings levity to them and you. You are able to laugh at it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dale]

It breaks down barriers, the whole point. Sometimes part of what comedy does.

[John Holmberg]

Well, that's the point of it.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Pain plus time is comedy.

But.

Yeah. You know, I don't understand it when people get all mad when you're not on their side. Then. I'm not on anybody's side. I don't know what's going on at Zips. I know. Here's what I know about Zips, because everything eventually will come back to me in my brain. I am officially a human trafficker. I have been a human trafficker. I'm reading the details about the whole Zips thing. This deal was the. They have been all over these people for years. And guess what, Brett? I know we talked about it before. Seventy employees at the Zips were using the same documents. The Chris Valenzuelas that I talk about all the time have not stopped. And we. I was. I was in on it. I hired several people with the same documents. I didn't do the hiring. But you're an og.

[Dale]

I'm one of the peeps that you saw it.

[John Holmberg]

And part of the rules of the trafficking or the was to call your family back in Mexico and say, hey, they'll hire you here. And we would. They'd just come up and not even hire them. They'd just be part of the Valenzuela bunch. It was awesome. I know there were guys that just showed up to cook. They might have been running.

[Dale]

And they did it. Like, they picked it up.

[John Holmberg]

I'd be like, who the hell is that? I'm like, oh, that's Chris's uncle Ed. Like, when did he get here? He's like, we don't care. He somehow knows the whole menu. Like, it's first day there. He knew how to cook everything. Not a question. No training. Never set foot in the restaurant. Shows up in the white suit. I'm like, who the hell are you, Chris? Oh, you're one of them. Okay. And I never questioned it. And Chris, the. The lead Chris, when the first. The OG Chris would always come to me, a dude named Tony. And another guy goes, hey, I got the two guys. We went to calm tomorrow. Yeah, yeah. Do they know the menu? Yes. He like, is that what you guys do at your house? You do training? You should work. You should have Tony Roma's training facilities in the Playa Palms.

[Dale]

So I think I understand how, like, the trafficking. That the lead, Chris.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dale]

Is basically the guy who starts the job off.

[John Holmberg]

See, I don't know that.

[Dale]

And then I wonder. The trafficking part is those guys come in, he gets a piece of.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, Brady. They also worked. They worked at other restaurants.

[Dale]

Right. And so they rotate around.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, whoever was available. Like, you go to Bennegan's, you go to La Pinata, and we go to Romas. And, like, four new ones would show up.

Area corridor today.

[Dale]

Yep. Okay.

[John Holmberg]

Fridays got hula ham, a piece of that fig.

I go to Fridays. And every kitchen was everywhere you ate from. In my experience, from 1987 to 1994, it was the same cooks. All of them were the Chris Valance Waylist. Now, that's not true, because from 87 to about 90, we had fairly legitimate staff.

[Dale]

I wonder if there's a ceremony where they, like, knighted them. I knighted you?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dale]

Chris Valenzuela.

[John Holmberg]

Well, I think he had to pass their training thing at the apartments on. On Country Club. Okay. Welcome to Tony Roma's, Bennett's, TGI Fridays, and Applebee's train.

[Dale]

Is that why like, sometimes the apartments say, you know, there'd be bus. There'll be, like, 27 people. Yeah, it's a training.

[John Holmberg]

It's a training facility. Yeah. And then they got Real smart. Had that one in Arcadia where they had, like, 131 people sleeping in that house. And the neighbors were looking in the backyard and their sleeping bags. That. There's like a thousand people to the next level.

[Dale]

That was resort training, cooking. You're greeted out front.

[John Holmberg]

Welcome to the gold standard of Chris Venezuela's. These dudes were everywhere, and I facilitated it. I'm not proud of it, but I didn't know that that's human trafficking. I was a human trafficker. And let me tell you this. It's easy now. It wasn't sex trafficking, and I wasn't bringing families over sewn up in suits and like. Like, you know, chairs and Honda Accords. Wasn't making them upholstery. But, you know, they'd ask me, I got two guys who come. He come tomorrow. Yeah, you're more than welcome. Do you want to talk to them?

[Dale]

Why.

[John Holmberg]

Why did you train them? Okay. Yeah. Are they. Are they ready? Oh, they've been through the silver standard, though. Platinum. We have got them going. They have got their own place at Playa Palms. We are considering making them, you know, official trainers.

[Adam Ferrara]

Like.

[John Holmberg]

No kidding. Yeah, bring them in. These dudes showed up and cooked everything on the menu. Santa Fe salad, which always baffled me to this day, gives me nightmares when someone would order that because I'm like, I don't know what that is. Nobody ordered it. There's a big taco shell. Huge. And it was stuffed with all sorts of different stuff. And then you had to have meat, and the cooks would have to do the ground beef and all that. And I. The servers would grab these. These shells that just sat on a shelf for. Without breaking them for days. So it's a tortilla shell in a deep fryer. Takes two seconds. Something, something.

[Brady]

Check out homework's morning sickness [e-mail]'s Morning Sickness.

[John Holmberg]

But we. We pre. Made, like, hundreds of them. They were. If you ever ordered that. That thing you were eating out of a shell that was. Could have been years old. I don't know. They were sitting up and they're just collecting dust. Not in a box or anything. Just grab it by your hand, put it on the thing, and then fill it with lettuce and stuff and then give it to the cooks. And I never knew what was in that, but the people who ordered it always effing knew what was in the goddamn Santa Fe salad. That's a variation of it. Oh, that's the. That's when they changed it from the bowl. To the L shaped taco.

[Dale]

Yeah, Bigger tortilla. Folded.

[John Holmberg]

They folded it because it was easier because they were cracking like crazy. But every goddamn person who ordered it knew everything that was supposed to be on it and I didn't. These dudes would show up from platforms. They knew everybody never got a complaint when the Valenzuela started to do it.

Maybe you should have went there for training.

I should have. That wouldn't have been a bad idea. Well, I was too busy running the border, I think I didn't even know it muddled fruit. So I'm looking at the borders, I was, I'm looking at the one dude. I'm looking at this, this zips thing and I'm like, I was doing that. I mean we had five restaurants.

[Dale]

Im restaurant. I mean it's still.

[John Holmberg]

We were running 30 valenzuelas easy. Between the five, if you, you know.

[Brady]

Sure.

[Dale]

There's a lot of places that you're running a restaurant and all of a sudden you're down a cook. Oh, I've got a, I've got a cousin that can.

[John Holmberg]

We were never down.

[Dale]

Bring them in. Let's interview him.

[John Holmberg]

If a dude. There were four guys on the cook line and four dudes were there every night. Sometimes it was dudes you've never seen before. You know, they've. But they showed up and they, and it was. And people confused that for Mexicans work harder. No, what they did was know your p's and q's so you don't raise any red flags. Get the job done. Because if people start going, who the hell is this guy? It's all going to crumble. So you showed up, you, check goes.

[Dale]

To the one guy and he distributes the. Distribute some money maybe.

[Brady]

No, no, no.

[John Holmberg]

They all got checks. I still don't know how it worked.

[Adam Ferrara]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

Everybody was getting paid. There were multiple Chris Valens, whales.

[Dale]

They would pick up the check. But who knows?

[John Holmberg]

No, no, no. Like we had four dudes on our, on our Chris Valenzuela payroll. I don't know how, but nine dudes were Chris Valenzuela. Yeah, they divvied it up at home. But we. Not just one check, because that would have been another huge red flag. Why is Chris Valenzuela making $144,000 a year?

Making more.

[Brady]

Right?

[John Holmberg]

Like everyone here isn't making that. But it never. I, I understood the football term next man up through my Valenzuelas because it's like we're down two. We're down two Chris's and Then the new chrises would show up and then every once in a while we'd have our white cooks on schedule. Grant and Aaron and these guys. And they loved the Valenzuelas. But Grant and Aaron were like, these dudes are machines. It was great. So to zips and know what you're doing. You got sloppy. This is easy. You needed a. If you needed a consultant. I've been. I've been bragging about this for years. Not knowing that it was the most illegal thing I've ever done in my life. I have to wonder if the statute of limitations is up. There's the Tony Roman shirt. I had plenty of those. The old baseball tees. Yeah. Oh, I was running. I was running hot on the trafficking. I had no idea. Me, Tony, my boss, Peter Tottenham and his twin John.

Was Bill Osborne there then?

Oh, Bill was the king of it. Yeah, Bill was there. Yes. I don't know who these little guys are, but I'd take 15 or 20 of them to get the job done. Hey, Bill, who's that? Who knows? But he's in a white coat, so he knows the drill.

[Dale]

I'll get busy. Yellow hand.

[John Holmberg]

And they'd walk in and it's like they knew the. Like they had schematics at their apartment to know exactly. They never walked in and said, where do I go? They walked right in.

[Dale]

Hi.

[John Holmberg]

Through the bar, back to the kitchen. Like, how do you do this?

They knew where all the pots and pans were already.

Thing they had. I think they rebuilt their apartment, apply a palms to look just like the kitchen and just ran drills, 11 at a time, simulate crazy. So I, John Holmberg, proud human trafficker, without knowing it, my apologies. We didn't harm any families, though. We weren't doing anything terrible. But the Chris Valenzuelas, that was my. I dabbled in it. I dabbled in it. I can't help it. But it's very true. He says, I'm telling you, you're right, John. I've dealt with some of these Mexicans criminally. And those dudes from Mexico are definitely smart and know how to get around everything. And that's what these guys did. I don't know. I can't tell you with any certainty that some of these dudes weren't murderers and terrible people. I haven't. We didn't look into it.

They got the food out.

[Dale]

Still working out.

[John Holmberg]

Still needed work, by the way, when I was running that place. Not running, but one of the managers of me, another 20 year old and Bill Osborne and like this crew of idiots. The highest numbers that place ever had. We had our illegal kitchen staff. We had. We were. We were stealing cash, like churning money. They were making millions. We left. They went legit. They were out of business in a year and a half. It's the. The whole place shut down. The owners, like, ran away and started Aribas. He took the money from what we did, and Ariba's started off of that.

[Dale]

So he got out of the room. Was franchise.

[John Holmberg]

Yes. Because it wasn't making any money the way it was when. When the. When the college boys were running. He had. I was 21. I was 20 and 21. My friend Adam was 20, and we were basically running the show. There was a general manager was like 30, but he was just there to do scheduling, and he didn't. He just saw that we were killing the nights. He was running daytime, setting things up, and at nighttime, that place turned into. It was a. It was a. It was the most criminal. It was probably the biggest criminal enterprise in Phoenix, and we were crushing it. Praised constantly. Why is Mesa doing so well? Well, the Mesa store is killing it. They moved a couple of our idiot morons over to the Camelback store, and the same thing started happen. We brought the Valenzuelas over. It was. We killed it. The Camelback store is now where Ariba's is on Camelback and 18th Street. That used to be a. Tony Romas, the owner took it, and he's like, well, I don't make any money since they fired all the idiots. So went legit. Off it went. I could write a book about human trafficking with experience. That is cool. I think I really didn't see a downside to it. I was a.

[Dale]

But you really didn't know.

[John Holmberg]

Right? Because it was going so well. Brady, the positive side of human trafficking I can help you with. I don't know anything about the negative because I kept my. I kept my traffic to people happy. That's, I think, the key. If you traffic them, keep them happy. I partied with them. I'd go to their silly, weird apartment and we'd drink with the balance of, like, hundreds of people. And nobody in the apartment complex seemed upset.

You went to the training center?

Oh, yeah. I've been in there. And like I said, it was a couch, a table, and, like, 44 sleeping bags.

[Dale]

Five bartenders came out of that trainer.

[John Holmberg]

There were no beds. You go back to go to the bath. Bathroom was spotless, by the way. Immaculate. Fabuloso, I called it. Wow. Because that's where I learned what fabuloso was like, what's this stuff fabuloso like?

Man, that stuff works, though.

It is awesome. And so I. Yeah, fabuloso is the one you go with. And then you go by the bedrooms and you look and there's just rows of sleeping bags. No beds. Like, I don't know what's going on here, but you guys seem to be getting it. No women.

[Dale]

Three amazing bar backs.

[John Holmberg]

We didn't need bar bags. We had. We had Dobson High bus and fed them alcohol like nobody's business. The whole thing was just. It was the biggest criminal enterprise in all of Arizona. Sammy the Bull would have gone, jesus, what are you guys doing? It's like we were. It was a crooked operation and we destroyed it. And I'm proud of it. I have no idea if there's a statute of limitations on it, but I can't answer any questions now. Outside. Oh, yeah, there were a lot of Chris Valenzuelas and I turned a blind eye to it. I didn't think it was wrong and Maybe in the 90s it wasn't. That's what Bill Cosby's excuse was. I didn't know. Did you enjoy your meal? That's all I'd ask. I mean, did you? Because you have a lot of us to thank for that.

[Dale]

There were some happy customers.

[John Holmberg]

Everyone was happy. The old people come in with their. They were all happy. Turn and burn, man, we were churning it. Let's get these tables turned over. You know, we're literally like a 77 table restaurant. Like 450 covers a night. We were just clobbering was a crushing thing. I didn't know what I was doing. I just knew it was working.

Yeah, the Valens Wells, you didn't need to know.

I was trained by the people who started. Am I going with this? But to the zips. They had all the details. And zips make like. I know people are reading it going, my God, yeah, these Mexicans in there and there's hundreds of them and all of them are illegal and stuff. Yeah, I did that. I didn't care. They were cool. They were actually really fun.

[Dale]

They must have won the lottery of investigations because imagine how many restaurants evidently they warned.

[John Holmberg]

They evidently warned him a while ago going, hey, we got. We got our eyes on you. We know something's going to get it together. And they made it worse.

Are you serious? I didn't. I didn't read that part of it.

I'll tell you right now, if Homeland Security or FBI came rolling in and said, we know what you're doing. My eyes would have fallen on my head, and they wouldn't have been able to catch me because I'd have been Usain Bolt. I'd run out of there, come and get me. Copies I was not good at. I'd have also turned everyone in. I'm a victim. Yeah, Main Chris was the best one. He was so fun. He spoke all the English, and I don't know what he was translating back to them, because I'd say something to Main Chris and he go. And the rest of them go, whoa. And I'm like, I think you made that funnier than I did, because that was just a little laugh. But you guys took that to.

You didn't hear pinch a John?

I heard pinch a John a lot. Okay, picture John. So I always got along with those guys. I thought for a year, I thought my name was the F word.

[Dale]

What's up?

[John Holmberg]

That.

And then it translated right over to my workers on the house remodel. They did the exact. They were the Valenzuelas, too, I think. Wouldn't it be weird to find out if it's still. If it's still. If I want to look now at the zips files and see if it's Chris Valenzuela's and it's been going on.

[Dale]

It could have just. It could have just been one that was working on that construction job. Like, I work for this guy.

[John Holmberg]

I know this dude.

[Dale]

Spread the word to the other guy.

[John Holmberg]

He doesn't recognize. I didn't care. It was great. Anyway, so the zip story gets a little weirder for me because as I read it, I'm like, oh, yeah, that's standard practice. I don't. You kept the paperwork. Idiots.

[Dale]

Well, I believe Camelback's open today.

[John Holmberg]

Be opened yesterday. Okay, I read that.

Yeah. Good. All right. And the cooks are the. The. Evidently the. The. The kitchen managers are the ones that were running this thing. They knew more than the owners. But if you have boxes of document. We didn't have that. I would have never known if Homeland Security came in and said, all right, let's see the documents of your employees. I'm like, yeah, let's. If you find them, you're going to know where they are before I do, because I have no idea what that. Do we have a file cabinet on our employees? I don't know. That can't be in this building, because if it is, we threw it out. There's no reason for that. You didn't keep any of the papers. I'M like, if these guys are here for the first time tonight, I don't know who they are. So sorry about that too, everyone. But if you enjoyed your ribs there is that you frequented the place and you can't sit back. And then if you go back to zips, you're basically like, we're fine with what you were doing. The golden wings are so good. And the zipperitas were flowing.

I gotta try these golden wings that.

Everybody keeps talking to.

[Dale]

Lunch today?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, let's do it. We'll head on over. They're open today at Tempe. Yeah. And we'll roll over and get the golden wings and we'll see if the new Valenzuelas are any good. If you hear from the kitchen, I.

[Brady]

Don'T know what I'm doing.

[John Holmberg]

The wings are going to be terrible because there's whites back there and that's. They're not built for this.

If your accordions and tubas playing out.

Of there, then we're about that.

[Dale]

Golden wings just have French's mustard.

[John Holmberg]

This is just gold. I think these have pee on them. You wanted a golden one.

That's what I know.

[Brady]

My girlfriend's in, bro.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, bro.

[Brady]

I'm not a five star chef, bro.

[John Holmberg]

Low key. I don't know what these wings do. Yeah.

[Brady]

I don't want it.

[John Holmberg]

I don't want that. I want to hear that weird, strange love music from the Spanish station coming out of every kitchen. Italian or everywhere. But sushi. I want Japanese people doing my sushi. I don't like what Mexican sound. Dress up like ninjas and do sushi. That just makes me feel like that's just weird. That looks terrible. But I want.

You don't want Jose Yakimoto?

No, no. I like to walk in and hear that. That thing, the Japanese. I don't like to hear Pincha John. Like. No. I like my chefs to have some authenticity. Anyway, what are you gonna do? Sorry. Zips and maybe. Yeah. Scott. Scott Haynes is like. Right. He said, you know what? Maybe this is what it. That guy meant when he said you're the fabric of the market.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I did a little building of this place back there with the Chris Valenzuela's and I was trafficking before it was cool.

This what you want to hear in your kitchen?

Yes. Especially like a barbecue place or a.

[Dale]

Rib production is happening.

[John Holmberg]

You, you're going to get your food and quick. Now, in high end restaurants, I don't want to hear this, but when I wander into one of those mid level, like delicious but quick to the point. Applebee's, you know, Fridays. I don't know if Chili's are still around. If this ain't coming out of the bag. We're waiting for our food.

[Dale]

You see that nice square transistor radio with a giant antenna?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. When will they say corazon? They can't not say it. I don't know. He will say corazon. They always say corazon. Every song. Yeah. And it's weird because you'll like when you hear this coming out of the kitchen. Never complain. Could they turn down the goddamn kitchen musical? No, they work faster the louder it is. You will order, like, I'll have the. The red rub and double bubble or whatever they have on their menu. Endless fries, please. And before you can start a next sentence with whoever you're sitting with, the foods on the way out, like, wow, I count how many times you're in Applebee's, where people at the table go, we just ordered that. They know. Did y' all hear this at Tony Romas? This is where I learned what corazon is. I'm like, I hear corazon. That's the only word I pick up every song. What is it? He goes, this is what they listen to. And I'm like, is this love music or this is motivational to you guys? See the worst stuff I've ever heard in my life.

[Dale]

It's a guy who tried to leave cartel.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And then my buddy Grant would show up and you just hear this, and he'd turn it to Soundgarden or something, and. And we. And you know, the distribution of wings slowed. The Mexicans couldn't. That's there. It's like, powers them while they're. While they're firing ribs. And you'd walk back there. I don't know, Maybe it's just cheat codes to how to cook faster.

[Dale]

Oh, wait a minute.

[John Holmberg]

Here we go.

[Dale]

Most construction going on, like additions to your house roofing.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You get this going, you're gonna. This one is. You're gonna be hammering attempt to pronounce it. This one here. This might kill him. Yeah, they were just ribs. You know what? There's probably dudes accidentally just adjacent to somebody listening to the station right now who just went to a grill. Immediately, somebody out there goes, oh, this is Ramona Vala. Yeah. See, I like his stuff. You know what you never see in the Mexican community concert T shirts. Never once have I seen, like, one of those dudes walking around in a.

[Dale]

Ramona sold out tour. They'll wear, like, with the back with the Cities listed.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, like, Pablo Cruz. They wear, like, stuff they got. That's our shows. They never wear the Ramona Valas. Pablo Cruz. I don't know what they're wearing. The Judds. Anyway, it's crazy. Yeah, this is. I have a question for you. Miguel says, how the hell did Brett have Corridor de Chito ready to go? That song does not say corazon. What's that one about? Miguel, help us out.

No kidding. I don't know.

All of them have corazone in them.

Eventually, I found one with corazon in it.

Yeah, that's in the title. They all eventually say the word cortisone. It's like the cue to cook more ribs, I think. Anyway, I human trafficked, and I'm proud of it. Zero deaths, zero bodies hurt. Just full bellies and smiling whites. We made more smiling whites with my human trafficking than ever in the history of man. Look at him go. Hey, John, I have four more people I could bring tomorrow. Yeah, they're trained. Yeah. Oh, see? Okay, Chris. What do we call them? Chris, Chris, Chris and Chris. Okay. Just keep it on the DL. It's discreet. All right.

It's like.

[Dale]

And we don't need to train? No, they're good.

[John Holmberg]

They have all the training they need. On the drive up. I send them manuals. All right. What do you mean by that? Is that a guy's manual? A guy? No, the paperwork, you dick. Oh, I see. There it was. Yep. Right off the bat, they can't avoid the word Corsa. So it's 6. 23. There you go. So, to zips. I did it, too. So I can't love the zips. Can't be too upset at you, but unfortunately, you're gonna have to hire a bunch of deadbeat community college kids, and your product's gonna suffer for a while. So hopefully they can get around this. Come on, bro.

[Dale]

On a rotation every month.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, they last about.

[Dale]

Oh, this is hard work.

[John Holmberg]

Dylan Braden. We're gonna do a walkout. I can't tell you how many times white cooks walked out on us because conditions aren't fair. Like, dude, you're making minimum wage. What do you want more?

[Dale]

Just cook. Cook.

[John Holmberg]

We'll give you a quarter more an hour. Come on. I need a full day. Yeah, yeah. I'm not coming in Friday. My girlfriend's birthday. Chris's never have girlfriends birthdays. Mental health kid me. My wife is giving birth right now. I have more ribs. I give cookie ribs. Hey, Chr. What is it? Your wife just tell us she have two babies? Congratulations. Okay. Keep cooking. They never stop for a girlfriend. I got to take her over to Falcon Field.

She likes that restaurant in there.

It's Italian. So we're going to take the. I don't. I don't care. Are you not coming to work? No. Do you have a cousin that knows everything? No, the Chris's do.

[Dale]

First of all, it's not fair. This is three days in a row.

[John Holmberg]

Dude, BS is my fifth day. I have date night with Angela. You're taking work off for date night? Bro, low key. She's leaving me.

[Dale]

Could I get an advance?

[John Holmberg]

Why do you keep calling me Loki? I don't. I just throw the word Loki in a lot. Let's get a wake up song, shall we? A good American. 1-58-59800. For my human trafficking history. It's 98. KUPD. Wake up.

[Dale]

Hey, it's not weird. It's pretty cool actually. No membership fee.

[John Holmberg]

I have heard enough of this. Morning sickness. The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail. Is this Holmberg Walker told me I had aids. All right, let's get her going here. In the morning sickness and cruising along. I'm trying to stay occupied with other things. Everybody yelling on the emails, by the way. I'm gonna get into this. I don't know if you guys have been down this road. I. I remember it popping up a while ago and you know the here's and the theirs of whatever this is. But the the Adventures of Barron Trump book that came out in 1900 and then I started to look into. I talked about a little bit a couple weeks ago and I'm like, well, I didn't know about the Elon connection and there's a load of weird stuff in it. So if you don't know it's came.

[Dale]

Up with the name Baron.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's an author called Ingersoll Lockwood and he wrote a thing called Baron Trump's Marvelous Underground Journey and another book called the Last President and it's Barron Trump. It's spelled differently than the giant Barron Trump that's now crime fighter in London. I don't know if you saw that either he called 9 or whatever 911 is in London and stopped a criminal and then said my actions put your ass in jail. And that was his quote. Like, that's pretty. That's pretty cool. So Baron is the story of Ingersoll Lockwood's book, which is really weird. And then. So I didn't know this. This is what I'm Digging into. And I'm getting into this hole I don't know that I really want to get into. He was an occultist, the author, and often times back in the day, they thought he was dabbling with black magic and could see the future and like all this stuff. So he writes this book where Barron Trump is this mischievous, kind of Dennis the Menace type, but he grew up in New York and he was super wealthy and he was guided by someone named Don, and Don guided Barron. And he lived in a place that he renamed Castle Trump. And they're in New York City, right? They're one of the biggest buildings in New York. And he called it Castle Trump. And Baron went on and on about that. I have not. I'm about to read books. This is how intrigued I am. I don't do that. I. I don't read and I don't know if it's any good. But it basically. Then it goes on to a book called. Oh, and by the way, it was a Fifth Avenue apartment building. They named it, right. Where Trump Towers. So it's the Last President is the other book. And it's a chaotic election in New York City where Trump gets elected, and then it's the downfall of American society and he appoints a man named Pence to his cabinet. So that's. I remember the first time Trump was president. This started in. Here's the weird parts, is that the US government in 19. This is where I'm going to start sounding crazy. In 1943, the government, after Nikola Tesla died, had. He had something that he was working on called a death ray, right? And they were worried about that because Nikola. Nikola Tesla had come up with some stuff. John Trump was the one that Nikola Tesla kind of gave the information to. Then he had knowledge and everything else about the death ray. John Trump is Donald Trump's uncle. Tesla, of course, is the connection back to Elon. And then there's Werner von Braun's book. So they think that maybe the Trump family has connections with. Has the death ray thing and Elon is the new thing and he's. Then the Tesla combo is in there. And then there's another thing of the Project Mars is a book that Werner von Braun wrote, and it describes a future Martian society led by a person whose title was Elon. And he made his life's work to colonize Mars, as has Elon Musk, SpaceX and all that stuff. So they're saying it's a. It's a future execution thing. And the Tesla modernization. Eli or Elon named his car company after Tesla to kind of give the clue that he's in on the death ray thing that I think the Trump family's got, which is why everybody blows back so hard on this thing, is that it goes from the books to actual real life of. Of Tesla inventing death rays, and the Trump family being the ones that got the documents for it. The US Government was trying to get. And now he's like, the biggest outside. And that was the thing about the last president. It is so weird how many coincidences are in this and also conspiratorial and theoretical and all that nonsense, but it's making me want to read, so that's wild.

[Dale]

The one book is called the Last American President.

[John Holmberg]

It's the Last President or the Last President. Yeah. And the other one is called yeah.

[Dale]

Because there is a Last American President.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's this one's.

[Dale]

That one's in 2025.

[John Holmberg]

No, that's not it. Yeah. Yeah, that would be not it. This is Baron Trump's marvelous underground journey.

[Dale]

Just.

[John Holmberg]

Just Google Ingersoll.

[Dale]

I remember seeing that particular book.

[John Holmberg]

Ingersoll Lockwood is the one that. He's the author. And when you start reading about it, you're like, damn it, I can't. I can barely read, and I'm. Now I'm looking at it, and I'm gonna be disappointed. It's not. It's probably a dumb book by some weird occultist, but the ties are. So, you know, it's that Lincoln Kennedy connection where it feels like the simulation broke and they started. You ever. Brett, you've done this when you get, like, MLB, the baseball game on. On PlayStation.

Yeah.

And then you blow through whatever season is. You got MLB 24. You blow through that one, and you're like, all right. And then you create your own guy. Usually it's Brett Vesley right field or Chicago White Sox. You go through the farm system, whatever. The next thing you know, you've done four seasons post 24, and so now it's 2029, 2030, and you're playing the game fully NFL. Madden does the same thing, and you're drafting players that don't really exist, but there's names. And then you start to recognize that the simulation is just taking, like, Barry Sanders and turning it into Emmett Sanders. Like, it's just using other names and making new people out of it. So it's like, well, that's a coincidence. And they're. Oh, no. You know, that makes sense. Like Ben Rivers and, you know, Brett Manning and those. Those. Those Players find. Then there's a bunch of made up names like, you know, and they. And it cycles through and you can go as many years as you want and it'll. Eventually everyone currently playing in the NFL will have retired and you'll have a whole fictional league going. I've done that when I used to be in the Madden years ago. I would play 20, 25 seasons on that thing. Blow through them so fast. And next thing you're just playing with people that don't exist, but it's made up names and they go back. That's what this feels like. Because that is a simulation. Like that is the original. The game is simulating what you would play and it's crazy made up names and you realize who's great in the league and they have, they are recycling. Yeah. And they don't really recycle fully, but it's just close enough to where the simulation's like, man borrowing. That's what this feels like. The Lincoln Kennedy thing where the secretary was named Lincoln and his secretary was named Kennedy and they were both elected 100 years exactly apart and they died for. And it was just weird. And that's what this is. And I don't. So I'm asking before I start reading, if one of you smart listeners have already done this, if you could. Cliff's notes this for me and tell me whether it's worth my time because I'm into it right now. I'm doing research on the Internet, which is never good, but I'm reading about it and it's getting me more interested in this. Like I don't want to read. I reiterate if there's kids listening. Biggest waste of time in my life has been reading. Although I did meet with a guy named Tommy Mellow yesterday and he's a wild success story, runs A1 Garage and he has billions. He's legitimate. Like I went in, in his office yesterday and it's nothing but books. And my brain's like, my brain got mad at me. Like, see, that is how you learn. And I'm like, no, it's not how you learn. You meet people who read all those books and then they tell you the good parts and you absorb that. They do the heavy lifting. You do the learning.

You need to quit doing. This other podcast, Nash, is that this.

Has nothing to do with Nash. Nothing to do with Nash.

[Dale]

Started lit the fuse.

[John Holmberg]

Matthew's right. No, it didn't. Because all the stuff he talks about, I either argue with him and I don't necessarily agree, but the movie.

[Dale]

A lot of as he talked about.

[John Holmberg]

This, but no, not once. Not at all. No. I knew. I knew about this in the first Trump thing, and I thought it was silly. And then I started to look in. I'm like, there are some strange coincidences. And then you start getting into that death ray thing and you're like, I don't know how true that is, but that's why I want to read. But I need someone who's already done it. My life has gotten me where I am by gleaning information off of smart people. I'm not smart. I'm smart enough to know, listen to the smart ones and steal and taking.

[Dale]

The nuggets and coming up with your own conclusions.

[John Holmberg]

Yes, steal from the wise who actually read the books. I don't read books. I hate reading. Matthew Smith goes, hey, golden asshole, what's this crazy talk about reading? You're not wrong. The golden asshole does not like reading. The golden asshole. The golden asshole has spoken. If you can find one of those idiots who likes books, make friends with them, and then ask him questions about books, they'll tell you the good parts. You can skip all the reading. They can't wait to talk about what they read because otherwise it's a giant waste of time for them. Yesterday, Tommy, I'm sitting in his office, started rattling off. I'm like, I can't keep up. Rattling off quotes from books and things that he'd read. And this. I've read 10 of these books about that. I'm like, oh, my God, I gotta hang out with this guy. He's gonna make it seem like I read. I don't. And I hate.

I'll have him read the book and then just give you the clip.

That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm asking. I'm asking him or someone else to do it. This guy says, I got down that same rabbit hole too. There's so many coincidences. So it kept me reading Kelly fire over some info. Give me some bullet points on this, and then I can. I can actually do it. Rather than be the guy who hears something for the very first time and then picks up my phone and acts like I'm in the conversation. I can't. I am doing some looking into, but I'm not reading these books. But I'm so close. I'm so close to reading this. And it's weird. Like there's just a they, they, they. The big theory on it is that the trumps obtained time travel knowledge. Now I'm not into that. But they've got some weird technology from all the early 40s, stuff that Tesla was doing. And John Trump, Uncle John has papers from Tesla and has used them to navigate through modern politics. So that's where they think it's like time travel or information based on things that can make you. Again, the occultist part.

Do you just get in your Cybertruck, do 88 miles an hour and you're fine, or.

I like your approach here, Brett, which is complete cynicism and disdain. And I. That's me deep down. But you start looking into this and you're like, are we. Are we diving into some sort of strange simulation where it's all. Everything's so connected? They always say that. Religion always says that.

[Dale]

Seems to be cyclical.

[John Holmberg]

It's cyclical, but it's different. Cyclical doesn't mean. Wait a minute, that's cyclical is. Oh, we're re experiencing something similar. This is. This is tied to that. And these names were predicted. Like, Caesar didn't say O Trumpus for Donaldus and Baroness. Like, you. Like the names are the same. So you're like, this is a bigger coincidence than just, oh, we're repeating history. Like, oh, we're bound to repeat it if we don't learn it. You don't have the same name. That from a fictional novel.

[Dale]

Well, going back to names.

[John Holmberg]

Well, I'm not going back in names. Don't confuse the two. Because I'm saying a fictional book. Yeah. Has all the people we have today. That's weird.

You should call Madame Cleo.

I might, because this is all some psychic crap. I agree with you.

[Dale]

But if you would write a book today, you know, and use some of the names that are out there.

[John Holmberg]

Look, if you and I were sitting back, put it in perspective that you and I would pay attention to, and in 1961, some occultist wrote a book that said Luis Robert would be traded from the White Sox before his prime. You'd be like, wow, that's weird. And that's what's going on then.

You believe in a higher power then?

No, I don't.

Where's all this coming from? There's gotta be some kind of power that's doing it.

I'm not denying that There could be a power. Sure. I don't. Put that aside. I don't have any evidence of it, so I'm not gonna believe in it blindly. But maybe. Maybe something's out there pushing buttons. I don't know. And the higher power could be the matrix type thing. Where the higher powers were all plugged into a simulation. And this is just all fantasy. I've talked to you about solopsism before. Where I make this up in my own head. And this is all my own consciousness. And this whole world exists off of what I know. Because what I've. Look, Solapsism's basic theory that comes back to, you know, the best way to explain it is if I don't know something that's happened in history, it hasn't happened for me.

[Dale]

And that's really like denial.

[John Holmberg]

No, it's not. That's my consciousness. It's not denial. You have to know something to deny it. If I don't know. If I don't know what your great grandfather did for a living, he didn't. I. I assume he existed, but I don't know anything about him, so he doesn't exist to me. But because I know you, I can place that there.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Otherwise, if I never met you, you don't exist to me.

[Dale]

Sure. Okay.

[John Holmberg]

You know, that's the Lopson. What's in your consciousness is your only world. And it's true. There's so much that's happened in history that you don't have an inkling of. You don't know any of the players, you know any of the parts. You don't know what country it is. You never heard of it. And until you hear of it, it doesn't exist.

[Dale]

And when you hear of it, whether or not it's true or not, well, that doesn't matter.

[John Holmberg]

It's in your consciousness. It doesn't. Once you hear of it, it becomes real. Until you do, it doesn't exist. That's consciousness. That's like your own built in. Like, this is my world, so I don't know tons of things. And if they happen and I never know about it, did they happen? Right. Until it's brought to my attention, it never existed. And that's the basis of solopsism. People always get confused, like. Well, that's just denying this. No, you have to know about something to say I don't believe that happened. You can make up your. It doesn't mean you believe everything that comes your way. You can then make assessments on what's been presented to you. But until it's presented, it doesn't exist. It just doesn't. And that's fact for you and your consciousness. Other people have different ones. And then again, you get into the weirdness of solipsism, which is this. I am in my own simulation. My own Creation. And you would feel the same way, like, this is yours. When I go home, you don't know if I exist or not. You just don't. You don't know if I disappear from view, that I just don't dissipate when.

[Dale]

Yeah, when you go.

[John Holmberg]

Because I'm out of your consciousness.

[Dale]

Just assuming you're going home, then I couch.

[John Holmberg]

I come back and tell you what I did.

[Dale]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

There is absolutely no proof of that. That's just being presented to you.

[Dale]

And people try to get away with that.

[John Holmberg]

Well, it isn't. No, that's not lying. It's just saying I come to you and say, I now present you with evidence of my existence. So you take that for face value, even though you never.

[Dale]

What he did.

[John Holmberg]

You did not experience that. You're just. It's being presented to you. So it gets weird like that. So, yeah, there's all sorts of, like, maybe there's a power, maybe there's a matrix, maybe there's a plug in. Maybe there's something else. Maybe it's nothing. But this is weird. And I don't want to read. That's the basis of this.

You're lucky because don't want to read on Spotify. You can do the book. You can.

It can read it to me.

Audiobook.

See? And that's an awful lot, too. How many pages is it? That's a bigger thing.

I don't know. But Andon Gunderson said Spotify is the books on audio, so you don't have to read.

Travis says you advocate for men to try their own yum yum sauce. And now you're starting to edge yourself with books. You Jews are weird, man. Travis, I find it weird myself. I don't want to do it. This guy says, my companion and I are coming to your house later today. We're going to discuss our favorite book with you. It's called Revelations, and it will blow your mind. Elders? No, thank you. I've looked into that one. That one's got no coincidences.

Why do you believe in this book and not like the book of Revelations?

Oh, I don't believe in the book. Look, it's presented some interesting things, and I have been interested in the Bible. I've read more of the Bible than most religious people, and I've taken it in going, wow, this thing's a mess. This is probably a mess, too. But it's coincidental if the Bible had names.

[Dale]

But what got you curious was the backstory behind the book, too.

[John Holmberg]

Well, that's when I started really getting it.

[Dale]

And that's where people, you know, like, you flat out just read the Bible.

[John Holmberg]

Unless you know that nobody's ever read it. And the backstory is another thing. You don't even get into the Bible with us because there were 15 stories that were the exact same thing. The Bible stole before. That's a different topic.

[Dale]

Which is fascinating.

[John Holmberg]

But if the Bible said it isn't really, it's theft, but Book of Mormon. The Book of Mormon's another one. Like, you just. You got to realize this is. It's, you know, it's not built to scam you into being afraid of something punishing you. This is just a coincidence. This is a fictional weirdo. I'm not saying the occultist got it right. I'm saying it's a fictional weirdo who threw out all these names that happen to be happening. You know, if the Bible said, oh, here's a dude you're going to want to look out for, and here's his son's name, and this is a guy they're tied to. And then real people from our time are also tied to it. You're like, whoa, that. That stepped out of the fiction.

[Dale]

The winner gets to continue with the story or modify it in history.

[John Holmberg]

This isn't about a historical document. This is a fictional piece of work that has names of people. Yeah, but then it. Then the fictional people became like, now, like, they're not fictional now. What is this? It was before everybody was born. It's just interesting. It's a weird thing.

John, how much weed did you smoke this morning before you came to work?

Not weed. And then it's reading. I. I'm gonna have to smoke weed.

And then Big Easy. Barbe just text in. It's too early for this. S. John.

All right, all right. I'm talking to a bunch of people who can't keep up. I'm sorry. Yeah, everybody wants to apply biblical stuff. I don't know what the hell that has anything to do with. It has nothing to do with religion. It's just a very strange coincidence.

What about Nostradamus stuff? Then you believe in all that.

Look, for a while there, that started making sense, and then I think it got taken advantage of for profit. And there's a little while there we were like this stuff. But the quatrains then when you start looking into it were subject to interpretation.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And just like, very hard to read. But when you're. When you're presented what he was doing and what someone had interpreted their four line quatrains and when they would come to you and there's like, this is what this means. You'd be like, holy cow, this guy's smarter than me. He's done a lot of it. And then, you know, he nailed a couple of. The Hisler thing was awfully strange. And there's a couple guesses, but what you find out later about Nostradamus is dude wrote down everything and eventually like, blind squirreled it. You know, he found a couple nuts and, you know, he hit a couple. But I mean, he might have known a dude back then with a similar name and just. You don't know. He wrote 10 million quatrains. Like, he was right. That's all he was doing. He's just. Just shoving them out one after another. And people, some lunatic went through and found a couple that worked and made him a genius.

[Dale]

They say that about the stock market as well. The guy that nails the one stock.

[John Holmberg]

No, he's forever gonna know. Yeah, but he's missed a billion times. Yeah. This isn't about predictions. It's just a weird coincidence. I don't know that the dude was predicting anything. I don't know anything about it, but it is kind of strange. And I wonder if we have a death ray. If we've got a death ray, I'm interested. That's neat. This one says, typical Jew wants to know about a book without reading it. Figure out a way to make money off of it. How in the world are you people constantly bashing Judaism that. I'm not. We're not talk. Talking about that.

John, were you smoking out with Kirby this morning?

The golden has spoken.

[Brady]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

Man. I was just thinking about. What is it, Kirbs? You know what we're talking about, man, like consciousness, man. Look, it's just something that's interesting. You don't have to add extra meaning. Just take it for face value that there's a lot of coincidences in this stuff. And again, there's an entire. And Trump, to his own admission, didn't name Barron after the book. It's. He spelled it different too. It's wildly coincidental he didn't name him after Barron. Trump's marvelous underground journey. His Uncle John was tied to the other stuff through, like, happenstance. And it just all went back to this, like, what in the world? And there just happens to be a book called the Last President and his name is Trump, and one of his first 10 men was. Was pence to start off that. It's just weird. But I don't want to read something. Something.

[Brady]

Check out Homework's morning sickness [e-mail] Holmberg's Morning Sickness.

[John Holmberg]

There's the danger of it.

[Dale]

There's the fight at something that you know.

[John Holmberg]

Yes.

[Dale]

Like I've always heard. My mom has always said that you read.

[John Holmberg]

Ah, she's from an age before teen.

[Dale]

I know that generation. The more you read, the more that's.

[John Holmberg]

The old people always say that the same way we say these kids should get out and touch grass. They're just on these screens. It's the same thing. It's our way is better to us than kids today. But their way is better to them. Like them old people telling you you should read is because that's all they knew. And this is all new and confusing to them. It's the same as us going, these kids don't do anything. You know, there's that lady that was on the news the other day saying, I'm taking the phones away from my kids and I'm gonna make them watch VCR tapes and. Cause that's the better way. That's what made me know that was your way. You're killing these kids. If you take away all this technology. That's their future. That's their current way of communicating. Your way seems better. Cause it's better for you. Old people telling you to read. It's because all this new stuff seems hard. Reading is dumb. Doesn't have. It's so dumb. You gotta learn to read. But you don't have to learn to read books. They're forever. They make good movies now. That's when people get so mad. When I say that, it's like if it's a good book, it'll be a good movie. And if it's not a good book, it'll be a bad movie. Because you can't, you know, there's not enough pieces to make it a good movie. Oh, the book is always better. No, you wasted a week and a half reading it. You got to justify your time. Stop making us think back to dick and fart jokes. I don't tune in for thinking dance monkey not making it. See, this. This is why we all get along so well. None of us want to read or be smart at all, ever. No. It's just really hard. Yeah.

[Dale]

I wish I would have read more earlier.

[John Holmberg]

Why?

[Dale]

At a younger age. Why the end results have been the Brady Report. But then I guess that's what you.

[John Holmberg]

Read more than you know. I don't know if that would have changed. I think that's Just who you are. I think your reading skills have ceilinged out and they would have found you just found it earlier. Especially out loud. You know, you don't have an interest in it. It's okay. Nothing wrong with that. Don't either. But it's the way you absorb reading versus presenting.

[Dale]

You made me think about that is how many people like read a book and all sudden their picture of what a villain or a character looks like could be completely different from everyone else. And that's amazing that a book though will tie it together.

[John Holmberg]

Well, that's the beauty of your imagination more than it is. Yeah.

[Dale]

And I think that's what's helpful in reading books.

[John Holmberg]

Dumb. You. You can't. You can't be a book advocate. Don't be a book advocate. I'm not going to listen.

[Dale]

I can't be. Because I don't read.

[John Holmberg]

Right. So you can't say that's what's great about what I've.

[Dale]

You know, like I said, you meet a person that does a lot of reading and you let them tell you know what it's. It's pretty impressive.

[John Holmberg]

But no. Tell me, Brady, how many people in your life that you know have read a lot of books that you're like, I'm going to start. None have influenced you to want to read. It's too dumb.

[Dale]

Well, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Reading.

[Dale]

Not enough to dive in, put the.

[John Holmberg]

Books down, done it once or twice. Synopsis. Yeah, I've read books. Yeah.

[Dale]

Well, I dove into one.

[John Holmberg]

I never forced to.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

That's the only reason.

The ones I haven't been forced to have been more like, you know, Christopher Hitchens and like they're not storybooks. They're like I went in about halfway.

[Dale]

That probably the last one I dove into years ago. Undaunted Courage. It was the story of Lewis and Clark.

[John Holmberg]

I got about half reading that.

[Dale]

I was just.

[John Holmberg]

And you probably were like, that's enough. I like what I know about this. I don't need details. I don't need their conversations like pelt trading. Enough. Cut to the cut. It's like going to a concert and like here's our new stuff. Oh, no time for a beer. All I want is the hits.

[Dale]

But then I went to Montana and I got a 45 minute musical version of Lewis and Clark. That's all I needed.

[John Holmberg]

You know why? Because visuals are better than books.

That's how I was when see the Book of Mormon. I've read it, done.

I know everything's about. And it's pretty good. Absolutely. They broke down all the parts you need to know, and you can basically have a pretty intelligent conversation about it based on the Book of Mormon.

There's the Cliff Notes. You don't have to read now with that one.

Oh, this one here. Supposedly the author of that book lived in the same building as Tesla. I've read that too. And the theory is that Tesla was working on time travel at the time of his death, and Trump's uncle was part of the team of government agents that came and took it all from Tesla. That's what. Yeah, I didn't know if the Agen gave it to him, though. I already said all that. Like, John Trump got all the information, and they think the Trump family is privy to stuff that no one else knows or that they've got this information and that they've been manipulating.

[Dale]

And that's his cause down the family line.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's his uncle. His dad's brother.

[Dale]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

What were you thinking? Uncle down the fan? What else could he be as an uncle?

[Dale]

Well, no, because you said there that one part of a book mentioned to Trump that was. It just happened to use that name.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, no, no.

[Dale]

But this part of the story is really.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Like John Trump. No, no, other Trump. That was. Don Trump was guiding Baron Trump. That's the book. John Trump was involved in the government stuff with Tesla.

It's like Don Swayze.

Yeah, Don Swayze or Donna. Larry. It's always better to see Jaws. Take that boat, man. Use your imagination. That's dumb. Yeah, the movie was amazing. It was a boat book. Jaws was a book first.

Oh, yeah.

What? Who would have wasted their time with that?

[Dale]

And just like anything else, a lot of people, you know, saw the movie. Like, the book was way better.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. Because they already read it because they.

Wasted so much time.

They had us, and then all of us are like, jaws is awesome. They're like, you guys didn't even take. Like. They're mad because they. They spent days when we just went for two hours and then knew everything they knew. It pisses people off when you do a year's worth of re. That's why AI pisses everyone off. Lawyers are mad. I went to school for six years, and you could do everything I can get in 15 minutes. Yeah, you just. If you was good, if you were more patient, you could be an AI lawyer like me. I don't need you anymore. Well, you're not gonna get the same. Huh? Damn it. It just makes people mad when you spend a lot of time doing Something. Then somebody comes up and does it. Like a second. You're like, God damn it. That's what we really get pissed off about. Books. Don't check them out. You know what I noticed that when the Internet popped up, libraries stopped being important. All these book people don't go. Libraries are still around. We fund them. Nobody goes to. A lot of homeless people go and try to jerk off to their Internet. The libraries even admitted it. They put Internet in the library. We know you hate these things. What's the first thing that closed down when Internet got popular? Bookstores. They were everywhere. And then they're gone. And who goes in there now? I prefer a tangible book and the smell of the page. What are you, a hundred?

[Dale]

Yeah, just used bookstores and some Barnes and Nobles.

[John Holmberg]

Radio's no different. Radio is a bunch of dummies. We have a thing. That radio is amazing. It really is. And what did we do? We put computers in the third. We. We tied ourselves to what we considered the thing that was destroying us. Us. We made us part of it. Like apps, podcast. Isn't that the thing we're trying to, like, prove we're better than. It's like, you know, Ford putting Chevys in there because they're out selling them. It's dumb. Tap that up. I like this one. Says, good morning and welcome to the Golden Book Club. I'm your host, John. The big news. Stop calling me a Jim. Yeah, this is. There's some interesting stuff. And all I'm saying is an interesting thing. It's an interesting topic. Everybody can poo poo.

So if this is true, why didn't Donald Trump become president years earlier?

No, No, I have not made. See, this is where talking to dumb people. This is where talking. I didn't say everything is real and.

[Brady]

We'Re on this path.

[John Holmberg]

How do you guys listen to Rogan? Do you yell at the radio? He comes up with theories and things like that.

[Brady]

John said he believes this.

[John Holmberg]

No, I didn't. I said it's interesting. Yeah, but you want it. No. Calm down. The golden asshole has spoken.

So the bullet.

[Dale]

Something to look into if you want.

[John Holmberg]

It's just interesting.

So the bullet actually hit and killed Trump. Then someone went back in the cyber truck, had him turn his head, and he keeps dodging the bad stuff.

What they're doing over there is fan fiction. And if you ever end a text with, huh, you're a dick.

[Dale]

Just the fact that there's a death ray out there, that's hilarious.

[John Holmberg]

I think it's awesome. And we have Them. I talked to that guy who worked for the Department of Defense. He goes, we've got laser death rays we could use tomorrow. They're just too hard to manufacture.

[Dale]

Those laser beams will kill a person.

[John Holmberg]

And he even said, we don't even need propulsion for rockets anymore. He tried to explain laser triangulation and how it causes launch because we don't need it for rockets anymore. It's just insanely expensive and incredibly difficult to get right. He said, but the triangulation of laser. He bought it because the Department of Defense gave up on the program because, like, this thing's gonna take forever and it's too costly. We're never actually gonna use it. And so he bought the technology and he used it to do tree trimming. He built a little machine. This dude was the smartest human being I've ever been in a room with.

His name is Chris Valenzuela.

Yeah, he built a little machine. Well, he was putting Mexicans out of work, which is father. But he built this little Mach would climb palm trees and they were laser triangulation underneath. He could do it with these little light lasers that pushed this thing up and it pre read the palm tree trunk as it climbed. And it had a little saw on the end of it and it would come and trim the edge and why? Because his friend fell out of a palm tree trimming it and broke his back. And he immediately invented something. See, see, that's what inventors do. He had stats about how many people in the Middle east fall out of palm trees. It's constant over the there.

[Dale]

Well, it seems like it hasn't rolled out quite yet, but it's getting there. It's still an R D, maybe.

[John Holmberg]

What, the laser?

[Dale]

Yeah, the whole contraption that more people would use it.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, no. Well, again, it was too expensive. Yeah. He even said that. He goes, I'm going to. He wanted a hundred thousand dollars for me to help him get a prototype built.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And he said. And I said, what's it going to cost? He goes, just to get the prototype planned, it's going to be about a million and a half. I'm like, what's the thing costing? It's going to be 5, 6 million. I'm like, nobody's going to buy one of these. There's no way anybody's going to spend that money. When you got a Mexican doing it for $50, there's no way. And he goes, yeah, but it saves lives. People don't care about that. Convenience will trump life. Saving things all day long.

[Dale]

And Then what happens when it needs to be worked on?

[John Holmberg]

Right? Yeah, exactly. So there was nothing about this that was better than a Mexican climbing your tree. There was absolutely zero benefits. So. But except for the incredibly kind thinking of, we don't have to have people get hurt in anymore. It's a dangerous job. He tried to come up with something good, but.

[Dale]

And I've seen the power of lasers and Real Genius, the movie.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. And you got it not from books. You got it from terrible B level movies that you still think are good.

[Dale]

Yeah, Real Genius is a classic.

[John Holmberg]

About all that popcorn they made at.

The end, though, man. Yeah, Brady was interested. This guy says, I don't want to hear Brady trying to extol books. This guy yells out sidewalk eggs randomly.

[Dale]

Sidewalk eggs?

[John Holmberg]

He can't read books. Sorry. Not sorry, Brady.

[Dale]

Exactly what I was saying.

[John Holmberg]

Sure. Reading menus. Yeah, but you did start to come across like you're like, well, that's what the goodness of books. You don't.

[Dale]

I'm impressed if I did came across that one.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, that's why I stopped you. Because you started to say, well, that's what's good about books. Like, nope, not you. That would be like me saying, this is the great part about reading. Like, shut up, John. Don't you got to be on this side of it. Reading is dumb. Stay there.

The hell's going on around here? Why is John trying to be Beth today? Flaming out, bro.

Flaming out. The Beth wouldn't be this interesting about this. Dummies. This guy says, effing retards everywhere. You can't simply say you find something interesting without people said. You claimed it's a fact. I sent something I found interesting about pyramids to my asshole stepdad a few weeks ago and he fires back all the things he think was wrong about the way I believe. He insulted me. Says he feels sorry for people like me that believe this. All I did was say, hey, isn't this interesting? You can't do that anymore. People immediately go, that's a bunch of crap. And they lose their minds like you just tried to send them facts or.

[Dale]

Power of the pyramid.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know what the pyramids are. They're neat, but find it interesting to think, wow, was this alien? You can't even say that. Is this an alien thing?

[Dale]

Well, not just the fact that there is a belief that there's power of the maybe.

[John Holmberg]

It's interesting when somebody brings a fact to it, not just a claim. I've talked to people about solopsism. Stuff before because I find it interesting. And people who don't get it start getting frustrated and then just go, so.

[Brady]

This is what you believe?

[John Holmberg]

No, but I didn't invent. Was around way before I read about, because I found it interesting. What an interesting concept. What a philosophy.

[Brady]

Look.

[John Holmberg]

What that word, look, it means philosophical.

John, take off your tinfoil hat.

I have not made one claim that I said, boy, I believe this, but nobody's smart enough to understand it.

[Dale]

There's a vineyard in Canada that I went to, and they had. They would store their wine, and they had two facilities. One was a regular, you know, square warehouse facility, and the other, the owner built a pyramid out of wood, and they stored the wine there. The wine throughout the years that's been stored under the pyramid gets a higher rating than the one same wine.

[John Holmberg]

So you believe that? You think that's true?

[Dale]

I don't know what it is.

[John Holmberg]

A decent human being would listen to Brady's thing and go, wow, that's fascinating. I wonder if that's real. And make their own mind up instead of. You think pyramids have powers now? Is that what. Okay, take off your hat, dumbass. This guy.

[Dale]

People don't have, like, well, I don't care, as long as this is good wine coming out of here.

[John Holmberg]

People don't have the ability to have conversations anymore without thinking. Everything you said is some sort of an attack on their belief system. This guy Vincent says, so. People in the Middle east are more concerned with not falling out of trees, but cleaning their crap water and wiping their asses with their hands is okay, Whatever. How in the world did that happen? Nobody said they were more concerned about one rather than the other. People are nuts.

This guy says. Cameron says, what pisses book people off is when you say, oh, they made.

A book out of that?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, they get fear.

[Brady]

Son of a.

[John Holmberg]

Remember when Game of Thrones was going heavy and. And Rosy Cheek Brett was in here? Not you. Different Brett. Rosy Cheeks would come in here and we'd talk about, like, the last episode, and he goes, oh, and he spent a year reading those books.

[Dale]

Charlie was the same way.

[John Holmberg]

Not knowing that they were gonna make this series and it. And Charlie was, like, indignant about, like, hating the series because it's just not like, no, you wasted your time, and now dummies like us are bruising through this like, you spent a year trying to figure this out. And we're cruising through, and he's like, it's just so stupid. Like, they made the Targaryens. Nobody knows what you're talking about. You're unrelatable. And that's really what books do. They make it so you know the parts of the book that nobody else saw in the thing and you want to bring that up, but it's unrelatable. It's the disturbed down with the sickness. A lot of people don't know the full album cut with the whole rape.

[Brady]

In the middle of it.

[John Holmberg]

And when you play it for them, they're like, oh, I don't like this. I'm like, yeah, I know you didn't know about it, but if you start to say that's the better version, you're crazy.

George wants to know what synagogue your book club meets at.

So, John, I want to thank you for lubing our brains up a little bit this morning before Brady comes in and finishes us off with a Brady report. That's right, it's the old one two closer. Yeah, I would very much like to have normal conversations. You smart. Did you smoke that new Doc and Marty strain? 121 gigawatts. Sounds like a good time, man. Yeah.

[Dale]

No.

[John Holmberg]

David Vasquez. Whenever I feel like reading, I just turn on the captions on pornhub.

That's good reading. Learn to read words. Never read books. If it's good enough, they'll make a picture thing out of it. And that's how we, that's how we go. We love movies. Movies. We used to. And yeah, I've read books before, but never like, I wonder if that will.

[Dale]

Be the, you know, in the next coming generations. As far as when, like, oh, you should watch a movie. Why would I do that?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, they don't.

[Dale]

Now I can get that quicker.

[John Holmberg]

I know it's not to that point where nobody's reading. Theaters are because you know why? Movies are too long. Theaters are far away. I got this in my hand. Make it convenient, put it here and make it shorter.

Now we got 100 inch TVs and.

Stuff and you don't need that. If and especially if you can get the whole story in like 25, 30 minutes. Why am I. Or in an eight series, you know, like you get eight episodes instead and you can just binge it an hour at a time. People are, we want convenience. And again, if it saves lives, but it's expensive, we'll take the cheaper option. We didn't know the people dying. So they're not even concerned, like wiping their asses with their hands. No, I didn't say anything about what they are and are not concerned with. They may have a Singular concern and then others.

[Dale]

It's. It's tougher, you know, back to the Louis thing to go to. Like, if I said to Kirby, oh, you should watch this movie.

[John Holmberg]

Why?

[Dale]

It's too long.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I'm that way. If that movie's 245 or plot, I'm out. I can't do it. I want to see that new Leonardo DiCaprio movie, but I would need to see that in a theater, because if I'm at home, I'm done. Yeah, I'm gonna find something else to do. I can't sit and do that for hours on end. Singular viewing one thing. Unless it's sports or happening live. If I can pause, come back, I'll do it tomorrow. No way. Anyway, try to talk a little bit of philosophy with these morons. And all I get yelled at for being a Jew with a golden asshole. See what we've trained you people to be?

[Dale]

Now, that's funny.

[John Holmberg]

Tommy Mellow. Yesterday, I was at his office. That dude's got a lot of books. And then he points out to me as a. You got a lot of books. And he says, I got a whole room in my house, just, like, hundreds of them. Like, what? He goes, I've read them all. I'm like, I. I don't know where. I don't know how. I don't know how to do that. Get about four pages in. And I'm like, oh, I haven't paid attention to any of this. I've been thinking about other stuff. Can't do it. That's why Instagram's so great. And they say it's making people dumber. I think it's making a smarter and shorter burst.

[Dale]

How many garage doors did he have in his office?

[John Holmberg]

You've got. See this place? He took me next 40. And not just leaning. He built garages all over the facility to. For training is the most amazing thing. He's, by the way, fascinating dude and just authentically awesome. Like, he was right on the commercials. Right on the A1 commercials. Yeah.

[Brady]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

He's awesome. Like, you just meet him and you're like, oh, you're one of those people that's like, you're doing this. Like, you want people to have good experiences. Like, you're. You're benefiting from it, and capitalism is a one experience. But he's like, no. He's like, I just. I. All of his employees. I watched him give super bowl tickets to one of his employees yesterday. He's like, hey, you've been doing great. And I have These. And the guy, like, almost broke down. Just gave him a big hug, and I'm like. He goes, yeah, I just try. I want everybody to be happy, make a good living. And I'm like, what is going on over at this amazing Utopia? And then we walked into his training facility, and it's just a warehouse of fake garages. It's amazing. I was blown away at the stuff he's got, and he was just such a. He's a good dude. It was a fun. Thanks, Tommy. I had a nice time with you. Let's get a Wake up song. What do you got over here?

Wake up song coming up and. All right. A lot of it having to do with. Well, we talked about the Matt Lauer thing, so Nirvana raped me on that.

They jumped on rape.

And then. Then, of course, a lot of the stuff for the Chris Valens wheel is Neil Diamond, America Segunda from Sprung. Sprung, Monkey Rammstein. But the big one, Mud Vein Ozzy, Black Sabbath on the list. But the big one everybody was asking was a 300 Mexican radio.

All right, we'll do it. Authority 0 is Mexican radio. Kyle says, man, the show's so gay with all this reading talk. Reading is gay. Yeah. Readings for gays.

[Dale]

Reading Rainbow.

[John Holmberg]

There it is. Gay as it gets. They've been trying to tell us the whole. This one says, I've never read a book that did the movie justice. That is a great line to throw back at book people. I have never read a book that made the movie better. It's great. I love it. We'll do it. Mexican radio. It's Authority Zero. This is their version of it. It's for our Valenzuelas and our ZIPS employees because the Valenzuela training Center has been going since I was working at Tony Romans. It's amazing. It's 98 KUPD. Good job, guys.

[Dale]

Hey, it's not Weir. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fees.

[John Holmberg]

I have heard enough of this.

[Brady]

Holmberg's morning sickness.

[John Holmberg]

The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail. Before we get on with anything else, I wanted to point this out, too. So show time change. I like emails from Showtime, Shane. It says fun news, John. You talk about your gay neighbors, and I'm absolutely, definitely not on that side of the fence. But last week, I went to a sporting event with my friend and her childhood friend who is gay. Excuse me. And a husband showed up with him. They were very nice, and I threw out some gay jokes just to see where they lived. And they laughed and we had a good time. Yesterday she called me and said those two gays couldn't stop talking about me and the numerous compliments about me and what I represented. I was flattered. Women need to take notes from the gays and have compliments towards men. That is a fact. I'll tell you this from experience. And I emailed Shane back. When you're a straight guy and you're hanging out with a group of people, gay models, big fat pigs. Doesn't matter if you become sexually viable in that you beam with confidence. Even not being gay, being at the gay's house and recognizing that there's a few gay guys that are like, all right, it just makes you feel better. You're wanted. And that's what I think women don't take advantage of with husbands or that's all we really want is to be desired. And we don't care who. And we're not necessarily going to act on it. It just feels good.

[Dale]

Might be more demanding for the other way that we know that women want to feel wanted.

[John Holmberg]

We do it to them all the time. Yeah. And they tell us to stop it. You look amazing. Ugh, I'm fat. Oh, I got it. But I still want to bang it.

[Dale]

Ugh.

[John Holmberg]

Is that all this is about? A gay guy says that to you, you get a great ass. Even Bryce at the Rah Rah, There's a guy named Bryce the man. He's a good dude. I like Bryce a lot. Spot he comes by, had a pair of shorts on. I was kind of leaning forward on the bar, and he goes, damn, ass is popping tonight. He's not gay. And I said, is it? He goes, yeah, it looks good. I'm like, thanks, man. And two straight guys telling each other got a great ass. I felt good all night. I walked up the stairs at the sunscreen. I'm like, everybody must be looking at what Bryce saw as excellent. Ryan, the Somalia is always like, the calves. Your calves are crushing. I'm like, God damn it. You people are designed to make me feel great.

[Dale]

We maybe need to review what some of you know. John Travolta was very complimentary.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dale]

But again, though, yes, your legs are popping. You got nice legs.

[John Holmberg]

I know. Sebastian wasn't taken aback by that because he always told the story that John Travolta loved his legs. It was a core memory that John Travolta found something attractive about him. Now what he didn't realize was. And you walk away going, is John Travolta hitting on me? You Feel great about it. But then you put up some, you know, some boundaries series. But it feels good. So gays and gay. I'll tell you this, having gay neighbors, they are very complimentary. But there is another side of them that if they don't like something on you, you're going to hear about it.

Have you gotten that?

Oh, yes. We went to a charity event, and Michael and Troy are usually dressed like somehow or another it works. 1970s velour couches, but it pops off of them. If I wore it people.

It's not going to work on straight dude.

No, no. But I had a gray suit on. Just gray suit, white shirt, black tie, with some something on it. And I was. I was hosting the event. And the last time I went, I was in a blue suit and I had like a light pink shirt on. It was a more colorful suit. It looked nice. And I walked up and Michael goes, ugh. Hand straight in my face like a crossing guard. Are we going somewhere I don't know about? I'm like, what? He goes, was, I didn't know we were bringing a mortician. I'm like, what? Okay, the last suit killed it. This. Okay, grandpa, hop in. And I'm like, oh, geez. So the whole day I just thought, is everybody see the Mort? I felt terrible about myself.

He didn't make you go back and change?

He was thinking about it. We were running a little late. He would have. Compliments are nice. People saying you look good is nice. It doesn't matter. So showtime, Shane. Those homos that wanted to nail you, you were beaming with pride with. It doesn't mean you're gay. It just means you're now viable. And it just opened a whole new world. You know that the you're now, if you wanted to make the switch, you got options. Have a gaggle of big fat ladies. Is like, you're the hottest guy I've ever seen. You're gonna hang around those fat broads for a little. Don't mean you're gonna bang them. Well, you're a bunch of fat girls like. And they're flirting with Brady. And we'd be laughing at them. Look at him over there in that pot of whales. But he'd be smiling and happy as can be. Those chicks dug me. So wives just know that's all we really care about. Throw a bomb our way every once in a while. It lets us know you want to put a finger in us too. And I think that's really all I have to say about that. The golden has Spoken. Thank you. It's time now for the Brady Report. It's brought to you by our [e-mail] All Pro Shade will get you taken care of. Get those shades up on that house. Get that area in the backyard all covered up professionally, and then make it look good again. I've talked to Hopkins about this and other people. The number one thing people look for when buying a house, Outdoor living space. That's in Arizona. That's huge. They like that. If they like the house and it doesn't have outdoor living space, it's a check against All Pro Shade can help you get that. And it looks amazing. Allprochade.com they're there for you waiting right now. Make your house more beautified with allprochade.com.

[Dale]

Brady Reporter Good Thursday morning to you, Phoenix.

[Brady]

Hello, world. Hi.

[Dale]

Happy National Puzzle Day and National Cornship Day.

[John Holmberg]

Do you ever have a pretty woman touch her shirt and go, I like this?

[Dale]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

It's not you. And you still feel good. Good.

[Dale]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

I picked that out.

Yeah, exactly. So it's. We're so simple and we've made so much so hard. And gay guys get it.

[Dale]

Couple of basis fun facts. Horses are banned from having sex in public in Ohio.

[John Holmberg]

Well, yeah. It makes all the guys hard.

[Dale]

The law states no owner of a stallion or jack shall permit it to serve a mayor within 30ft of a public street or alley.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, Somebody's out there with a measuring tape. Well, because it's the smallest girl in Ohio getting laid.

[Dale]

Right?

[John Holmberg]

Competition. Yeah. It's better than the human ones doing it.

[Dale]

Bamboo is the fastest growing plant on earth. In fact, the Chinese moso bamboo can grow almost three feet in a single day. Wow.

[John Holmberg]

Neat.

[Dale]

There are two US Presidents that had the middle initial S. Harry S. Truman. Yep.

[John Holmberg]

Wow.

S. Dwight D. John F. People are.

[Dale]

Probably yelling at Richard. Richard S. No.

[John Holmberg]

Donald J. Joseph B. Joseph.

[Dale]

Ulysses.

[John Holmberg]

Ulysses S. Grant. Wow.

[Dale]

And both who's the cases? The S didn't stand for anything.

[John Holmberg]

No kidding. Was there a third? You said there were three or two.

[Dale]

Two.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Dale]

I know we've done this one before, but the most common street name in America is second.

[John Holmberg]

Ah.

[Dale]

And the second most common is third.

[John Holmberg]

First is not. There's. There's more seconds than first is third. Huh.

[Dale]

Then it's fourth and park.

[John Holmberg]

Park. You'd think you'd need one before the other. Yeah, it's probably like named Maine or something like that. And then you go second. Oh, that could be.

[Dale]

I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

I'm just central Second, but there's still a central and first here. Here.

[Dale]

Yeah, but interesting places. It's just that park makes is the fifth.

[John Holmberg]

You'd think that you would have to have as many ones as twos. Hmm.

[Dale]

Apples are not true to seed, meaning the seeds from the particular variety Apple will not necessarily grow to be the same variety. So if you got Red Delicious, there's a chance you're going to get Red Delicious.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I thought they were all hybrids, too. Like they've all been mixed into something else. None of it's natural. By the way, Scott Haynes is piggybacking off of us, saying, know somebody who reads books and glean information off of them. What a genius move he's made. Made. He says, I like to make up quotes, but I keep quote names handy. And he said, I'll use Kurt Vonnegut or Nietzsche and whatever. And he goes, but a lot of the times, I'm actually just saying what Orko said at the end of he, man. You know, Kurt Vonnegut once said, and nobody's gonna look into that. And then you say, you know, something like knowledge is the implication of intelligence, but it's really what Orko said. And he man, right at the end of it. You got to throw that in at the end. Did Kurt Vonnegut say that, too?

[Dale]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

He always closed with he man.

[Dale]

In 2024, the Washington Post ran an article that said we might be able to swim in the Potomac soon. Swimming in DC's waters has been illegal since 1971 due to the high levels of fecal matter. Human fecal matter.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, they're flushing. They're flushing into it. Oh, boy.

[Dale]

So things looked like they're going in the right direction. Improving. But there's currently a small geyser of poop water flooding into the potent. The Potomac. Potomac. Sorry.

[John Holmberg]

You got it right the first time.

[Dale]

Because last week's collapse of a sewer line carrying wastewater from Virginia and. And Maryland.

[John Holmberg]

Brady in that hat, looks like he's trying to get away with something. It does. You look like you're. Like you're about to put some sunglasses on and follow Kirby around for a couple. Yeah, I know. It's a cheese and stuff hat. You want people to notice, but it's more just the idea that you look a little bit like you're gonna spy on.

[Dale]

I thought I usually. I don't wear a hat. I thought, you know what? I'm gonna put a hat on to block the. The ice vent.

[John Holmberg]

And it's smart.

[Dale]

It's working out.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but it does look like you're up to no good for some reason. It's because it's black. You're in a black hat.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

It's not good. It's not normal for you.

[Dale]

It's not the generic black that Larry likes to wear.

[John Holmberg]

No. Yeah. Larry doesn't have any insignia on his hat. It's just a black.

[Dale]

Oh, that one.

[John Holmberg]

The police sketches they do for guys they're looking for where they sell plain black hats to future criminals.

[Dale]

It's estimated that 40 million gallons of untreated sewage is spilling into the Potomac daily.

[John Holmberg]

And also, hats with, like, logos on them are more expensive. And we know Larry's not gonna pay that.

[Dale]

Got a guy named Kevin Westerhold. He lives in Kissimmee, Florida, at a place called the Windsor Hills Resort. He and his wife own condos there, and they rent them out, put them on Airbnb. It's near Disney World. Cops got multiple 911 calls about a guy exposing himself. It's not clear if he was outside his own place or a neighbor's. He was gone by the time the police got there, but a witness said Kevin was half naked. And they've got some footage of him hoovering. Basically, he was getting it on with a vacuum. Now, they haven't released the video.

[John Holmberg]

We got ring cam of this.

[Dale]

No, but the cops got a warrant and arrested him on Tuesday. He's facing.

[John Holmberg]

Wait, he was still out there?

[Dale]

Yeah, because they did. They had to track him down after the fact.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, no, he was still out there with the vacuum.

[Dale]

That's it. They got. Oh, the sketch.

[John Holmberg]

Wait, he was out there doing it.

[Dale]

He was out there in the. In. In the community. Yeah, with the vacuum. Getting it on.

[John Holmberg]

And then when they caught him, they.

[Dale]

Were still doing film on the. They. By the time the police got there, he was already gone.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[Dale]

They called 911. They filmed it.

[John Holmberg]

Gotcha. I thought you were saying it was on the body cams of the cops and that's what we're going to get released. I was, like, still jerking off with the vacuum.

[Dale]

Three days later, the people turned in. I'm surprised no one, but I'm so older. Community, probably. So that's why they didn't put it up on social media.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it's 55 plus.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

They know how to work the Internet.

[Dale]

I know, but I'm surprised no one didn't put it up there. Check out this guy.

[John Holmberg]

No, I'd have filmed it. I'd have walked right up to Him. The hell are you doing?

[Dale]

What do you think he looks like?

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Dale]

51 years old.

[John Holmberg]

So it wasn't an older community. You just assume kissing me floor is old.

[Dale]

Yeah, I assumed. Windsor Hills Resort.

[John Holmberg]

As Brett basically jerking off with the vacuum out in front of the house again. I'll say it's gonna look kind of like if Larry was naked. I'm just gonna go with a frail, small. Ooh, that one's gonna be tough to beat. I don't want to say Larry's frail, but he's a smaller man. Man. I'll say it's him. About 5, 7, 140 pounds. All right, I'll go polar opposite. I'll go overweight. I think a big, fat dude vacuum. I don't think so.

I'm gonna say David Har.

Oh, balding.

Yeah.

Or like bald, but not admitting it. Are we all Caucasian on this? A little bit punchy. The dad bod. Okay. Yeah, we're all different here. Brady. What's he look like? If he's black, I'll lose my mind.

[Dale]

He's not black. He's an edge rusher. Former.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my God. He's an athlete. Wow.

Oh, man.

Wow.

All missed it.

[Dale]

Way off.

[John Holmberg]

Did not see that guy. Christian McCann.

[Dale]

I like that line of the Smokey gun. Florida man, 51, busted for sexual performance with a vacuum cleaner.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. What a strapping young lad. Why can't he find ladies? What the hell's going on? And he's got a bang in the back.

[Dale]

His wife.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, there it is. There it is. Answered. He hasn't had sex in years. He's got to bang the appliances. But out in public, I mean, I get the. I get the urge, but you know what's. Yeah. Why outside? Well, because his wife's inside. He doesn't want to hear it anymore. He'd rather get arrested for banging a vacuum in the front yard than hear her one more minute of the day. Are you gonna. Oh, my God. Are you gonna take that outside with ple. Clean it. She's watching me the whole time anyway. God damn it.

[Dale]

They got the trash.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, he probably would while he's sitting on the porch banging the vacuum with your little bag put next to you. God damn it. She's wrecking everything.

[Dale]

It was one of the VRBOs that they have. Would you go?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. It's still filthy. What did you do here all day? I don't know. I'm tired.

[Dale]

Vacuum cleaners jam.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Well, you vacuumed up some mayonnaise or what is in this? You can't vacuum liquid, Steven. Yes, you can.

I got a shop vac.

[Brady]

Don't worry about it.

[John Holmberg]

Don't worry about it. Why are you using that outdoor vac all the time in the house?

[Dale]

It's gross.

[John Holmberg]

It's all dirty. All right. Oh, that's it. Melissa, do you name the vacuum, Melissa? Shut up. It's the third vacuum you've ordered on Amazon this year. Ugh. It's all about sex with you. You. You look like Christian McAffrey, and somehow I'm still not interested. But don't you look at anyone else. Don't worry about it. I've got this incredible Hoover. I don't want to tell Brady this, but I'm moving on to a Kirby later. Those are some machines. Don't do the Dyson, though. Chop it right off. Too much.

[Dale]

This biologist, Colin Dom, is reopening an old case that Chinese health officials seem to have stopped caring about.

[John Holmberg]

Out.

[Dale]

But every summer, residents of the Yunnan province checked into hospitals with complaints that they're hallucinating. Tiny elf like, people were coming under their door. Well, they were cooking with this mushroom.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, there you go.

[Dale]

And this type of mushroom that they'd have, they found out everyone would have the same hallucination.

[John Holmberg]

It's. Oh, it's like. It's like a movie.

[Dale]

They called it Lilliputian hallucinations.

[John Holmberg]

I want that immediately figure it out.

[Dale]

Out that if you cook with these mushrooms, if you. You need to boil it for 15 minutes, it goes away. No hallucination. So if you pasta dish, just go seven minutes.

[Brady]

Six.

[John Holmberg]

Seven minutes, and you'll start.

[Dale]

Yeah. But if you want to. Hold on. Hallucination.

[John Holmberg]

Because the whole reason I don't do hallucinogenics is because I'm worried about a scary one.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

But if you can tell me how this movie goes, I'll do it. Are the Lilliputians evil?

[Dale]

There in lies the rubber. They come in saying they're coming in, and I don't think it sounded, like, peaceful. It was a party.

[John Holmberg]

But they didn't have, like, steel teeth and they're. Yeah, yeah.

[Dale]

But they said, you know, midway through, and they said that the hallucinations would last 12 to 24 hours.

[John Holmberg]

That's fantastic. There's something. Something.

[Brady]

Check out homework's morning sickness [e-mail] Holmberg's Morning Sickness.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know. 24 hour hallucination. I would never want it to end. Little people crawling under the door all day for 24 solid and you take a nap. And you wake up and they're like, hey, wait, they just come marching under the door. Dude is gonna go to Home Depot.

[Dale]

And barricade himself in.

[John Holmberg]

Dude, that. That dude would be me.

[Dale]

Could be a fun dinner party.

[John Holmberg]

What's the mushroom called? And do we sell it here? Because that sounds like a cell to me on hallucinogenics. Because I'm scared of them otherwise.

[Dale]

La maoa Spelled that.

[John Holmberg]

Brady.

[Dale]

L A, N, M, A, O, A.

[John Holmberg]

That's like something I could get in Hawaii.

[Dale]

It looks like Asia tika. Asia T, I, C, A.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know if we can, but I don't want hallucinogenics where people are like, you could have a bad trip. But if you're like, no. Every time you eat, these little people crawl under your door and everything is happy. Okay. Just cook it for five minutes like a burrito. Fat man say, okay. And I just sit in a chair and watch little people crawl into the door for the better part of a day. What? Where's the downside here? I mean, you guys are sitting there watching Merrick Kingstown for eight, nine hours at a time. What's the difference? It's binging.

[Brady]

None.

[John Holmberg]

It's binging on little people coming under the door. Yeah, I'm wasting a day, but I do that a lot. Five minutes of that hallucination seems like a lot to me. Yeah. Full 24 hours of men coming underneath your door. It doesn't have to be men. We're little. Little tiny women can come under there too. Yeah.

[Dale]

I might need a little more details about these. You're a nation.

[John Holmberg]

Why won't you hire the Lilliputian women to crawl into the.

[Dale]

Come on.

[John Holmberg]

You know you need more than that.

[Dale]

Well, a little more information, like you said. Are they. Yeah. Do they have metal teeth?

[John Holmberg]

So long as I don't, like, lose my mind.

[Dale]

Bad trip.

[John Holmberg]

I would giggle. Little Chinese people crawling under a door. This is like a dream for me. If I could create that and it doesn't end for a day, I'd eat it immediately at 23 hours and start over. That is hysterical. And the first ones would make me so happy. Make it. Megan. Megan. I just said no. I would always be in a dark room all alone.

[Adam Ferrara]

I'd.

[John Holmberg]

Aaron Rodgers. Nobody's gonna be with me. She'd scare me to death. If a woman came in full sized with them right after their leader. No, I don't need her anywhere near this. This is in a private space all alone. This is Hiahuasca. Aaron Rogers. But imagine you're sitting there and you're like. You eat the mushroom and your 10 minutes go by like, no little people. And then the first one pokes his head under. Hello. Come on in. And turn into Robin Wentz. Oh, get in here. Let's play little tiny people.

[Dale]

And me, I'm Gulliver Elon Musk. Oh.

[John Holmberg]

I'd lay down and imagine him tying me to stuff and. Oh, my God, Gulliver. I have never been more excited about a creation ever. I've never wanted to go to a Chinese restaurant. Yeah, no, I don't. I don't even want that. They're too big, too. They're already too big.

[Brady]

They're too big.

[John Holmberg]

I'm picturing Lego sized Chinaman. Oh, and they're crawling under a door.

[Dale]

Yeah, I guess that's true.

[John Holmberg]

And then just. First one just goes, oh, is it safe? Oh, I dance with them and just watch them scatter. I'd throw a ball in the air like their worst nightmare.

[Brady]

Run.

[John Holmberg]

Water.

[Dale]

Imagine that. But isn't that wild, the fact that people had that same hallucination?

[John Holmberg]

Yes, that's why I'm excited about it.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Because it doesn't seem to be anybody going, no, no. This happened to me. I was abducted by giants.

Batman said Scott Haynes can just run in and out of the room to recreate the experience for you.

Just picture him. If I could get Hanes in a room of mirrors, it would be the same. Damn it. I'm. That's in. I am wildly intrigued by this, I guess.

[Dale]

Elon Musk was on an earnings call yesterday with investors, and he said Tesla. Tesla will discontinue Model S and Model x in the second quarter of 2026.

[John Holmberg]

Nobody's buying them anymore.

[Dale]

Well, they're making room robots. The Tesla Fremont factory. Correct.

[John Holmberg]

I saw that yesterday.

[Dale]

Optimus humanoid robot.

[John Holmberg]

He's. He's turned his attention off of the cars since Democrats made them awful, even though they're great. And he's not nobody. Like the 70% drop or something like that in sales on the S and the X in the last year. So he's like, well, screw it. You're not dealing with a dude who cares about losing money. He's like, all right, done. I won't give you the gift anymore. I'll make the nice ones and then the lower end market ones we won't sell. And I'm gonna focus on the first.

[Dale]

One rolled off in 2012. And then the Model X was the one with the gullwing doors.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, they haven't changed Much either.

No, that's true. But again, it's time for a refresh. It got to the point where everybody called him a Nazi, right?

No, no, I get that.

And it screwed up his spread. But he's like, no. All right then I'll build a robot army. Call me a Nazi. Watch that. This.

I think the cyber trucks are sitting around too. Those aren't doing what they thought.

No, but I still like them.

[Dale]

Absolute Vodka has teamed up with a new product. It's called Absolute Tabasco Vodka in it. Yep.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that's good.

[Dale]

It's a spicy absolute with the Tabasco and already pre designed. Now the percentage of alcohol, it's a 76 proof.

[John Holmberg]

But you can actually.

[Dale]

Which is slightly less than the normal vodka, which is 40 roof.

[John Holmberg]

You can add more or. Or add more hot sauce to. You can ratio it yourself at home.

[Dale]

Available now.

[John Holmberg]

That's an easy mix. Yeah, you just pour a little vodka in your favorite hot sauce and you're doing the same thing. This is just pre manufactured.

[Dale]

I've got two Brady videos. The first one is a wild World Brady video.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

Hello.

My friends are good.

[Dale]

Here's your Wild World radio video. Snow leopard attacked a lady in China at a ski destination at a popular ski.

[John Holmberg]

I saw the headline. We got a video of this.

[Dale]

There's a video. You don't see the actual attack. You just see her. They're pulling her out of the snow.

[John Holmberg]

All attack snow leopards just.

[Dale]

Did she get around in the background? No, she survived. But he went to town on her face.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, no. Okay, so we're just in it's wild white landscape. Is that her? There's the leopard. He's on top of her.

[Dale]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

I thought snow leopards were white. He's like a leopard colored leopard. Yeah. And so he ate her face. Oh, she's in a helmet and everything. It did nothing. The helmet did nothing.

[Dale]

Is she holding her other hand?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Well, that's a mitter elbow, maybe a mitten. But it also may be snow leopard damage. And there's some dude in a snowboard like, I'm going home.

[Dale]

Check it out. I. There's one hand. There's the other hand. What's.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, your. That's that guy's hand that's holding her up. It's all bloody.

[Dale]

I thought maybe she.

[John Holmberg]

Her face is gushing blood.

[Dale]

He is.

[John Holmberg]

Don't know if you paid attention to the story too, but she was attacked on the face by a snow leopard. There's going to be blood now.

[Dale]

Check out maybe. See? But they'll go to the background.

[John Holmberg]

He's just standing there.

[Dale]

There's the snow leopard.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, Walking roll. That's where he lives, Brady.

[Dale]

Yeah, but usually they take off. Why don't you care?

[John Holmberg]

He just got dinner. He's got a belly full. Do you just run out of restaurants? There he goes.

[Dale]

Now he's trotting off a little bit.

[John Holmberg]

She's Chinese, so he's gonna go back for another one in an hour. I hope she was eating those mushrooms. And he sees little snow leopards coming out from under doors. I wonder if that would happen. Happen. Ooh. If you gave mushrooms to a snow leopard, would he hallucinate leopards or people see a. Brad. Brad just fell over.

[Dale]

Tiny cats.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I think it would be tiny cats, too. All right, what's next? I'm pulling it up.

[Dale]

It's.

[John Holmberg]

It's having trouble getting there.

[Dale]

Bring back the water cannon.

[John Holmberg]

Is this just a dumb thing where somebody gets AI?

Oh, I don't believe it would be dumb.

I'm with Brad on this one.

[Dale]

Of course, you're right, Brett.

[John Holmberg]

See, it's a water cannon. It's not real. He says, I think it's real. Now. The first one's AI. First one's definitely AI. You're in trouble. The future is bad for you.

[Dale]

All right.

[John Holmberg]

Go ahead. All right, let me see.

[Dale]

Okay, well, you can't play it, buddy.

[John Holmberg]

Here we go.

[Dale]

With all the protesting going on.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. You think this is real? Real? We're in Minnesota, ladies punching us.

[Dale]

No, I don't know if that's Minnesota. It's just.

[John Holmberg]

I would assume it's Minnesota getting taken.

[Dale]

I thought it was a different one, the first one.

[John Holmberg]

And they hit her.

[Dale]

Brady, watch the water. That's a great.

[John Holmberg]

I don't care.

[Dale]

Okay. No, I'm laughing, but, like, off the other ones. Yeah, that's dusting back. I said the first one is definitely.

[John Holmberg]

I don't think that's real. I don't know. Maybe.

[Dale]

But check this one.

[John Holmberg]

These are the old, old fire cannons they would get in other countries. Yeah, it's fun to watch hoses push people around. The reasoning is not fun.

Michael Blaze said.

Yeah, when you. When you get a big hose knocking somebody on their ass, it's fun. But then you have to look into why they're doing it. You're like, oh, this is not good.

[Dale]

Right?

[John Holmberg]

But it is on first blush. If you're just like, watch this guy get hit with a hose, it's great.

[Dale]

In another year or so, you're gonna have video of those little men coming.

[John Holmberg]

In underneath the door.

[Dale]

And you're gonna play it for us thinking it's real.

[John Holmberg]

No, that's so will you. China's been.

[Dale]

Come on.

[John Holmberg]

I think you're gonna be first. We will be fooled. But yeah. Little Chinese people. Check it out. Coming under doors and such.

[Dale]

Sweet.

[John Holmberg]

You'll see.

[Dale]

It's pretty sweet.

[John Holmberg]

Would you do the hallucinogenics to watch the Chinese people?

[Dale]

What I was saying was like, I need to know information.

[John Holmberg]

Just drop the point based on this info. Bad.

[Dale]

You know these people are going to the hospital if it's. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Well, they're going to the hospital trip. Worried that it's never going to end.

[Dale]

Yeah. And you know, 12 to 24 hours. If I could. I don't know if I'd want to go that long with it.

[John Holmberg]

But if it's fun, I've been told by several people. Papa Xanax. And it stops it. Oh. Like. Like immediately. I guess.

[Dale]

Counteracts.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You wouldn't do it.

[Dale]

Maybe.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Let's get Brady some hallucination pigeons.

Let's sure we can arrange that.

I wonder what he would see. It would just be like Safeway roasted chickens, like everywhere, all just creeping under the door. And the closer they get, the bigger and juicier they are. Oh no, I can smell them. That smell is intoxicating. I do that all day.

[Adam Ferrara]

That is.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I'm. I've heard people talk about ayahuasca and like acid trips. And I'm like, I'm not interested. Because I've heard too many people go. You go to be with somebody because it can get really crazy. And I'm like, I'm. That's where you lose me. Not against it. I'm against being scared afterwards. And then this one girl told me she. Cuz I took one. I had a bad trip like eight years ago. And every once in a while it comes back like, what? Yeah, it was lsd. And I'm like, you're an idiot. Why you think that? And then she wanted to do it. You want to do that? And like, absolutely not. She's an intern at the old radio station. I'm not going to do LSD with you. You just explained to me that it's haunted you for a decade. Want some? No. It's like when people say this tastes terrible here. What do you think? Like you didn't sell it. All right, Brett, what do you got?

[Brady]

All right.

[John Holmberg]

The boys sent over a couple for Brady.

All right. Right. Somebody bang. Oh, it's a crippled guy with something hanging. Okay. Isn't it rightly good to have a dog? Asian dude who's got a penis.

Got a crank hanging off his chin.

Penis.

[Dale]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

That's AI Brett. I'm not saying it's not.

They sent it over for Brady, though, so it's not me.

I don't know if it is.

[Dale]

I actually passed on that guy. Cuz the other droopy guy that I had was, you know, it was better reta.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, well, that's not a droopy guy. You saw them.

[Dale]

I know. That's why.

[John Holmberg]

Right?

[Dale]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

His face was melting. But he also had to yesterday. All right. Oh, it's Siamese twins at their wedding dancing with their new husband. All right. People putting songs. So that's the guy that married the. I forgot their names.

And the other one's stuck there. The other one's sitting there stuck like that.

Really? I think he married both. I think both of them are interested in that husband. I forget that guy's name. He's a pervert, though. There's. You don't marry science.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

There's something a little off with you. You don't. You bang them. You don't lock them down. They're not going anywhere anyway. By the way. You don't need to commit to the Siamese twin. She ain't going anywhere. You think she's got options?

[Dale]

Do you think he did two first dances? Because like the one.

[John Holmberg]

Probably two songs. Her song and then her song. Yeah. Yeah. Similar dance, though, because the bodies aren't different.

Different fun at the pool.

Side of a pool. Somebody's on their knees in front of a woman who just kicks the guy in the balls right at the side of the pool. Is that a.

[Dale]

He's wearing night brace.

[John Holmberg]

And he's got a ball gag. Pretty.

[Dale]

Remember that.

[John Holmberg]

Remember your ball gag.

[Dale]

Ready?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. He's got a ball gag. She just keeps kicking him in the nuts at the pool. And there's like people just swimming watching this.

There's another one, though.

There's a mermaid. The ladies wearing another chair.

[Dale]

It was a mermaid.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, now a big fat lady's kicking him in the balls. I guess everybody's allowed. There's like three or four people just lining up. It's like that scene in Airplane where everybody's smacking that lady. I gotta get out here. Gotta get out of here. Wow.

[Dale]

I would have said no to the big. And that's a big leg coming up.

[John Holmberg]

I would have said no to all of them. Yeah. I wouldn't have said yes to one person that wants to kick Me in the nuts.

Here's another OSHA video for it.

We're over some what looks to be like go vats. Oh, one grabbed hold of the worker and it's pulling her in. Oh, we're spinning, we're spinning. What should be kneading dough is now just spinning an Asian around quickly. I like that. These all have musical themes now. It's at a bakery. The dough is being. She's the only employee there. Nobody's helping. Nobody's turning it off. It's going to spin forever.

[Dale]

Until the second shift came in.

[John Holmberg]

Eight hours later, those little tiny men crawled under the door and helped her out.

We've seen these before. I think this is a different one, but very similar to.

Doing a donut in an intersection. There's two people sitting out of the passenger seat and the guy's doing a full on donut in the middle of an intersection. He whips back the other way. One of these girls is going to come out of this car and he's going to run over by the hellcat. Oh, no. Another car came through. Not knowing well, because you're not supposed to be in that side doing donuts in an intersection and then get t boned and those girls are dead.

That's hellcat life for you. This one's dumb.

All right, next one.

This one doesn't have any sound, but this guy's had enough of this annoying broad.

A girl is talking to some guy. Looks like was he playing a video game or just sitting at a bar? And he grabs her by the back of the neck. And then it's then by the face. And now she is his hostage.

[Dale]

It's got a little serious.

[John Holmberg]

He looks Irish. They look like. And the girl that's with her is not helping at all. No, she's thinking about it. This is pimp behavior. He pimp slamming her face into the table. He pushes her back. He has had enough of her and he's got some sort of control over this room because nobody is doing anything Russian. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that looks Russian. He's a Russian pimp. Because those are definitely Russian slots. Those are prostitutes.

[Brady]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

Who videotapes this stuff?

And then here's a fight for you. We'll just end with this in a street.

Street fight. Dude's throwing a load of rights. That's a woman, isn't it?

No.

[Brady]

Oh, no.

[John Holmberg]

He's hitting a guy like 10 straight rights to the head. He's in a suicidal hat. I think that's Brett. Oh, the dudes recovered. And the ponytail guy Lands a shot. I never would. I'd lost so much money on that. He took 10 or 12 rights to the face.

[Dale]

Stood up to it.

[John Holmberg]

Lands one, knocks the guy cold. How about that? That's what we got. Fanduel odds went through the roof when that fight started. Good fight. Never know. You don't want to jump in on the live betting on that one. No. 5 punches in, you're going to lose.

[Adam Ferrara]

A lot of money.

[John Holmberg]

Well, the dude that was whipping him, you're like, oh, there's a. It's a minus 110. I'm not going to make any money on this. The other guy was a plus 1500 after the fifth shot. That was a good fight, though. And then he had a man bun. Might be nothing worse than losing to a man bun. Yeah, because the guy got a hold of it at one point before he was going down. He couldn't land a good shot.

[Dale]

He ended his street fighting career after that.

[John Holmberg]

You got to put him away, man. You can't just rely on your right landing. You never know what the guy's got in him. If he kept his jaw shut the whole time, he might be okay. Oof. That was fun. There you go. Is Adam. Yes, he's here. Adam Ferrari.

[Adam Ferrara]

All right.

[John Holmberg]

He'll be coming in here in just moments. It's 98 KUPD.

[Dale]

Hey, it's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fees.

[John Holmberg]

I have heard enough of this.

[Brady]

Hberg's morning star sickness.

[John Holmberg]

The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail. Adam Ferrari is here, and he's a desert ridge improv this weekend, starting tonight, all the way through Sunday, man, you were rolling through and you missed Barrett Jackson.

[Adam Ferrara]

It's vaudeville. I had to go to New York. Yes, I had.

[John Holmberg]

You're always here.

[Dale]

And he was lucky to get out.

[Adam Ferrara]

Yeah, I know. I had to fly in and I flew in last night, so I'm sorry I missed. I sent Brad and I sent him my representative.

[John Holmberg]

Brad. Did Brad go into Brad and Victor?

[Adam Ferrara]

I sent in his six year old kid.

[John Holmberg]

He took your place.

[Adam Ferrara]

I said, get in there.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Adam Ferrara]

Represent me.

[John Holmberg]

And they did. What did they come out with anything?

[Adam Ferrara]

I think that. What'd you come out with? Did you buy the Lincoln?

[John Holmberg]

No, no, not this time.

[Adam Ferrara]

Freddie was talking about the.

[Dale]

The million dollar 66. 66?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah, there's a couple of them. That thing is such an amazing. Every time I walked in. I haven't been to Barrett in a long time. I went this a couple weeks ago and as I'm walking through, I'm just like, I can't. I don't know who's complaining that there's something wrong with the economy because it's just insane how much money is walking around in there. And that's just ticket prices, let alone what's about to happen. It's just crazy, the draw on that thing and how much is floating around. And I know people just. I'm not talking about the politics of it. I'm just saying. My God.

[Dale]

I'd heard the tickets like on Monday and Tuesday are like 35 bucks.

[Adam Ferrara]

Right.

[Dale]

Just to get in. Friday it was 96 bucks.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

That's the Lincoln that went for a million bucks horsepower.

[Dale]

Coyote V8.

[John Holmberg]

It's got a Coyote in it. That's a brand new.

[Dale]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

And it went for million start out.

[Adam Ferrara]

That means it works.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

The rest of mods mean they work.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but I mean, look at the dude just bidding.

He's just like, yep, no problem. Never. Don't Daddy.

[Adam Ferrara]

I want to know exactly.

[John Holmberg]

All right, Wonka. How much for the not for sale. Every man has this price. Yeah, the. Yeah, it's an amazing thing, but you missed it this year. We always look forward to you. And you know what's funny? I'm going to tell you this. I had a dream about you last night. Really? This is fun.

[Adam Ferrara]

Well, before you start that, may I say the ass is popping.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, thank you. My day is made, my friend. You haven't even seen me walk away yet. Wait until you see this. But I. I had a dream about you last night. Because yesterday Toledo said, hey, if Adam come back two days, can you want to do it? I'm like, yeah, that's fine.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

So I had one of those work dreams where nothing.

[Adam Ferrara]

Sleeping at work.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Which means I'm sleeping. But I had a dream and you came in and I couldn't make. Make a word of sense out of anything. And you're just answering with one word. And this was the worst interview ever. So I'm like, show. I'm like building things. And you keep going. Yeah, that's great. Like you. And it was just going and it was.

[Brady]

It wouldn't end.

[John Holmberg]

You ever those work, Brady?

[Adam Ferrara]

Tuesday, he gets pudding.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Do you ever have those dreams, though? Like comedy?

[Adam Ferrara]

When I. When I. I ate a Chinese mushroom once.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my God, you've been listening. We're listening in the car. And I go, I gotta get. What? What you would do the Chinese?

[Adam Ferrara]

I. I did. I did a psychedelic thing.

[John Holmberg]

Really?

[Adam Ferrara]

I did the Mush. Because I did all my research, Right?

[John Holmberg]

Yes.

[Adam Ferrara]

Because I, I looked at the world, I looked at me and I go, it's got to be me.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

[Adam Ferrara]

Life's been here a lot longer than I have.

[John Holmberg]

Yes.

[Adam Ferrara]

It's got to be me.

[John Holmberg]

So.

[Adam Ferrara]

So I did my research. Ayahuasca. I'm not, I'm not going to Peru.

[John Holmberg]

It's too far. And. Yeah. And I'm not traveling for it.

[Adam Ferrara]

Not traveling for it. My, my buddy did ketamine.

[Dale]

Mean.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

And then he got a divorce, but I think he was going to get.

[John Holmberg]

A divorce, but I had a guy do the same thing.

[Dale]

Sped it up.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. He had a life altering experience and came home and told his wife he didn't want to be with her anymore.

[Brady]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

Same thing. Wow.

[Adam Ferrara]

Probably the same guy. Yeah, it could be, but, but ketamine, it's a dissociative and, and it's, it's, it's got to be intravenous. And it's what I read it go. A lot of anesthesiologists administer it for you.

[John Holmberg]

Really?

[Adam Ferrara]

So you're like, you got to go to some apartment in the Valley. I'm like, yeah, I'm not, Not doing it.

[John Holmberg]

No. That's like dentistry at a days in. Yeah, not gonna do that. Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

So. And then dmt.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I've heard that's awesome.

[Adam Ferrara]

That, that's like. Well, I was, I was offered bufo, which is the organic. The Toad Venom. The organic dmt. It's the same thing. Well, it's the organic version of it, but it's like in 15 minutes you're in another dimension, you back it on the street. Make sense of that. Yeah, I'm like, that seems like a lot.

[John Holmberg]

I just don't like taking anything with the name Venom. I won't even drink like a monster energy drink. It's too much vanilla. Venom. I'm like, that's Venom. And I'm supposed to avoid Ven and.

[Dale]

Would you go old school and lick the toad?

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Dale]

Good.

[John Holmberg]

Christ, what's wrong with you?

[Adam Ferrara]

Well, that's. You know what I. Look, there's got to be something else out there.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

You know, I need to go. It's an acquired taste. If you put something in your mouth for the first time and you go.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I got to get used to this.

[Brady]

What?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I had a friend years ago order a pizza, right? And he put mushrooms under the cheese without anybody knowing it. Mushroom mushrooms. Mushroom mushrooms, right? And we're eating them and I'm like, this Pizza tastes horrible. And he's just going. And I'm like, oh, no. All I did was throw up for 35 minutes. I got a headache and I went right to sleep.

[Adam Ferrara]

Well, that's what I did the mushrooms. I did my research. And you go and you meet the. You go. Met this guy that was recommended to me, and he talks to you for one day, what you want to do, and then you go back the next day. And I told my wife, I'm gonna go do this. And she goes, well, I don't like.

[Dale]

It, but if it's something you need.

[Adam Ferrara]

To do, I know you missed this.

[John Holmberg]

Ms. Doubt fires your wife.

[Adam Ferrara]

Sounds like my wife lives under a mushroom.

[John Holmberg]

She came under the door.

[Adam Ferrara]

She came under the door.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Dale]

If you want to do it, I.

[John Holmberg]

Love and support you. I'll be with the dogs under the bed. Is she in your pocket right now? Can we meet her? Yeah, that be lovely up here.

[Adam Ferrara]

So I, I, I, I said, okay, we're going to go do this. So I drove to the guy's house and I told him, I said, if I wake up, my ass is wet and I feel shame.

[John Holmberg]

I'm going to beat the hell out of.

[Adam Ferrara]

And I'm leaving my wallet in the car. So he gave me a bunch of mushrooms. Right. So you go in the room, it's dark, you listen to. He gets a playlist.

[Dale]

Are you the only one in there?

[Adam Ferrara]

No, he sits in the. In, in the. He holds.

[Dale]

Spit.

[John Holmberg]

Whatever it's called. He jerks off while you're asleep. Yeah, so.

[Adam Ferrara]

So I got up like an hour and a half into. I was buzzed, right. But I wasn't smelling colors. You know, I wasn't.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

But about an hour and a half into it, I got up, I looked at him, I go, it ain't working. You want to eat? And he went, what? He goes, how are you not. Not swinging off the ceiling? I gave you a. I said, I don't know what salad bar you got.

[John Holmberg]

These from, but it's Sizzler. You just had a bad experience. So nothing? No.

[Adam Ferrara]

Well, no, A great deal, but it wasn't like what I expected.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

So he said, what's the last thing you remember? And John, I think I was answering a question, but I don't know who asked the question.

[John Holmberg]

Which was weird.

[Adam Ferrara]

It was so I remember saying, I will surrender my expectations. And the guy goes, that's the message.

[John Holmberg]

I go, wow.

[Adam Ferrara]

But it's not fun.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

You're wrestling. I'm wrestling with all this. Yeah. All this stuff is coming up but then like two days, three days, a week later, a month later, you're walking around like, ah.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, you had a moment.

[Adam Ferrara]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And then you surrender. Expectation. Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

Because if you expect life to look one way and it's not.

[John Holmberg]

You get.

[Adam Ferrara]

You get like. I get angry. I don't know, frustrated.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know if you noticed this.

[Adam Ferrara]

John, but I'm on a short.

[John Holmberg]

You're not running.

[Adam Ferrara]

This is right now.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

Don't know that right now.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know. Patience is probably not the thing I would.

[Adam Ferrara]

Oh, I go from zero to homicide in three seconds.

[John Holmberg]

Exactly.

[Dale]

He's top fuel.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I get it. I get it. And I'm kind of in that same. I have a little more calm about.

[Adam Ferrara]

Yes, you do.

[John Holmberg]

But I also have horrible murderous thoughts.

[Adam Ferrara]

Oh, that I know.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Yeah. No, it's.

[Adam Ferrara]

I met. The first time I met you. I like him, but I don't want to be alone.

[John Holmberg]

There's a darkness.

[Adam Ferrara]

I'll be there with Brady's there.

[Dale]

I need my.

[John Holmberg]

It's what my brain does that I'm just like. That just can't be right. I have two sides of my brain. One will tell me something and I'm like, no one thought that but you. And then I'm like, who's talking to this? Like there's a guy answering those horrible thoughts without.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

When I was a kid, I told my parents, I said, you know, I said, I think I need to talk to somebody. And I heard in my head. I'm listening now. You're the reason I'm going.

[Brady]

You.

[John Holmberg]

Quiet time.

[Adam Ferrara]

But I was a kid and I went to the. I remember telling my mom, I still.

[John Holmberg]

Said, I think I'm gonna go to therapy.

[Adam Ferrara]

But I was like, don't try to hang this crap on.

[Dale]

That helps.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And we'll start there.

[Adam Ferrara]

Don't need therapy. You go to confession and tell God what you did.

[Brady]

No.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

And my father leaned in and went, oh, hold it. You don't confess to nothing. This is a friggin setup. Don't.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

God's everywhere. He knows. He don't need you running your mouth.

[John Holmberg]

You gotta say it out loud.

[Adam Ferrara]

He saw it. What's the matter with you?

[John Holmberg]

Steve did nothing. Yeah, he saw it. That's why I always say that about God and stuff like that. People think that he's always watching or I. I think of it more when people are like, well, especially in sports. Like, I'm just. My grandpa, he's watching me. And I'm like, if that's true, he Only watches the touchdowns. He never watched you, like, waffle stomp your feces into the shower drain. You should have caught it. Cuz your grandfather was in the sky. Come on. Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

I like when you're going, thank God he's the one that gave us this victory. God took the over.

[John Holmberg]

He had money on it. Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

What about the other people?

[John Holmberg]

But they never once, like, point up to the sky after they pull their thumb out of their ass and wipe their stomach off from an afternoon of horrible things.

[Dale]

Thank God he hit the parlay. It was.

[John Holmberg]

I. I always think, like, my grandparents Alvar and Isabelle are up there in heaven and they got a TV of John. Yeah. And occasionally they turn it on and just shut it off.

[Adam Ferrara]

Isabelle's like, it's on every channel.

[Dale]

It's his thumb.

[John Holmberg]

We have to stop watching. I also think heaven is a scam because if you could go anywhere in the universe at any time, you're gonna spend time watching me. Why go back to the house you lived in?

[Adam Ferrara]

The Catholicism promise that I got as a kid is. You know, my mother would say the.

[John Holmberg]

Prayer before we eat.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

One day we'll all be together in heaven. And I'm like, that's the reward.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

We're together now.

[Adam Ferrara]

Eternity in a gated community with my relatives.

[Brady]

This is what.

[Adam Ferrara]

I'm not having a hamburger on Friday to get there. What, are you kidding me?

[John Holmberg]

That's exactly it. And it's scary to think that they can watch us if that. If people believe that. I don't think anybody actually believes that.

[Adam Ferrara]

I just think.

[Dale]

I just.

[Adam Ferrara]

I just think.

[John Holmberg]

And let me.

[Adam Ferrara]

Let me qualify this gentleman. Like, I've been wrong before. Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

And it's felt just like this.

[John Holmberg]

But.

[Adam Ferrara]

It'S like, I just think we get past our ego.

[John Holmberg]

That's the.

[Adam Ferrara]

Oh, you know, like that's what it is. Be in the world, but not of the world. So you get your. You don't see your expectations through the filter of all the damage and stuff. Childhood. Look, I was. I was raised in a hot lz.

[John Holmberg]

It wasn't.

[Dale]

It wasn't.

[Adam Ferrara]

Like, my childhood was like, I perished. It was gunfire. Occasional ordinance would go off.

[John Holmberg]

Off.

[Adam Ferrara]

A lot of screaming, a lot of yellow.

[John Holmberg]

You didn't see nothing. This happens everywhere.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

Just like, I'm not yelling.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

All the men in my family sound like this. All right.

[Dale]

It is funny.

[John Holmberg]

It's just you look back and say, what a happy childhood. Though.

[Adam Ferrara]

I was lucky. Yeah. I had parents that loved me and did the best they could.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. It's with hindsight that you look back and go, those two didn't know anything.

[Adam Ferrara]

But yet I got all ten fingers, ten toes.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I'm alive.

[Adam Ferrara]

That was.

[John Holmberg]

My dad told me that when I was like 35, I said, you've relaxed so much, I can hang out with you now. You were so tense. And he goes, I had a job. Yeah. I went to every day and then I came home to make sure you were still alive. And I went to bed because I wanted to go to sleep to make sure I didn't do anything bad until tomorrow when I started the whole thing over because my whole job was to make sure you were alive. Yeah. And he goes. And it was terrifying.

[Adam Ferrara]

How can you be mad at anybody if that's his priority?

[John Holmberg]

That was his priorities to make sure I didn't die.

[Adam Ferrara]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And he was horribly mean about, like, not in a, in a nasty way, but just tense about, ah, everything I was going to do was going to kill me.

[Adam Ferrara]

Oh, there wasn't, there wasn't a lot of gloss over the. No, here's what reality. My father would say, look, my job is to give you a better life than the one I had. So pay attention because I'm tired and I'm running out of money.

[John Holmberg]

That's the lesson. That's it. And he accepted your career path and all he was.

[Adam Ferrara]

This was the best thing my dad did to me. I, I, I, I went to an open mic at this little comedy club. I always want to try it. And I made the mistake of telling my mother. My mother was the original Twitter. She told everybody.

[John Holmberg]

Whole neighborhood.

[Adam Ferrara]

The whole neighborhood shows up, right? So I gotta be good. It's a hundred seater. But Wednesday night we sell out because.

[John Holmberg]

My mother, oh boy.

[Adam Ferrara]

Anyone in my family that made parole was there and my father was there, so they were very supportive. And I killed.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I killed.

[Adam Ferrara]

And I went down to my father's office. He did kitchens and bathrooms. So I always come in through the, through the shop.

[John Holmberg]

Shop, right.

[Adam Ferrara]

And I work for him. I drove trucks and swung hammers and stuff. And he looked at me like he. Because I came from a. That's why I love cars. My dad loved cars and he could fix them. I don't have the if then go to statement.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

My job was to hold the light, right? So I could never fix anything. So I always felt like I never fit in.

[John Holmberg]

Right.

[Adam Ferrara]

So after he saw me do stand up, I walked down. He looked at me like he never looked at me before. He's like, who's this guy? I can vividly remember the look. And I said, pop, I think I want to do stand up. He takes a long drag off of his lucky. He looks at me and goes, do it now. He goes, do it now before your life gets complicated. He said, but if you're going to do this, you better give it everything you got, because one day there's going to be an old man looking back at you in that mirror and you don't ever want to think, if I only tried a little bit harder.

[Dale]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

But you could have told me this before I sent you to college.

[Brady]

That's great.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

And he was at every gig.

[John Holmberg]

Really?

[Adam Ferrara]

Yeah, he super supportive. My mother, my father.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

I did a.

[John Holmberg]

Did you like doing comedy in front of your parents, though? Yeah, it's hard.

[Adam Ferrara]

I'm not gonna tell them.

[John Holmberg]

Not gonna be there. I told my parents not to listen. Really? There's no reason for you to listen to this.

[Adam Ferrara]

Do they still listen?

[John Holmberg]

Huh? Yeah. And occasionally, like. Well, he told that story about me with a pencil. That's not exactly how I was like, all right, calm down. It's exactly how it happened. You just remember your.

[Adam Ferrara]

Oh, that's the other thing. My mother would be like, why do you tell these stories on the television?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, okay. Those are my stories.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

But I. Oh. So I did a. Toyota used to have a comedy festival in New York, the Toyota. And I did a. I wrote a one man show and I was doing it at this theater. So my, my parents came in from Long island because I'm a Renaissance man. I'm both bridge and tunnel.

[John Holmberg]

You go everywhere in the. Oh, wow. The boroughs are yours, the burrows are mine.

[Adam Ferrara]

So it's, it's new city. My mother, my father, he's doing a play in New York that he wrote. Joe, we gotta go. They called all the old gyndoloons my, my father rented, you know, that, you know, like when you, when you land, you go to the Sheridan. There's the shuttle bus, that black short wheelbase shuttle, but he loads them all in there. They're bringing food in. I mean, they got like, you want some gala mod before it gets cold? They're all coming in, right? And it's hot summertime. So we're backstage and the, the stage manager comes back and he's shaking. I go, what's the matter? He's like, there's a woman sitting in the, in the, in the, in the theater. Two women sitting in the theater. And, and they yelled at me. I go, little lady you knew got a haircut. Yeah, it looks like Ringo a little bit.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

She wearing a loud leopard print from Chico's?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

Taller lady next to her?

[Dale]

Yeah. Gotta go.

[Adam Ferrara]

Funny eye.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

He goes, I told him, they can't be in there. She looked at me and said, I'm the mother. Work it out. They're still there. I go, yeah, just stay away from her.

[John Holmberg]

You'll be fine. Ringo dressed as Peg Bundy.

[Adam Ferrara]

She gets the hair cut. It looks like Ringo a little bit. And then when she got older, she started dressing like Elvis. I don't know when the hell that happened.

[Dale]

Jumpsuits.

[Adam Ferrara]

Yeah. John, like what?

[John Holmberg]

You meet the whole family. Big belt buckle, a cape.

[Adam Ferrara]

I'm sorry.

[John Holmberg]

No, I was going to promote you. Keep, please.

[Adam Ferrara]

No, keep promoting.

[John Holmberg]

It's Adam. Desert Ridge Improv tonight, tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday. It's always a great thing. Desert ridgeimprov.com Be sure to get your tickets right there. I just wanted to interrupt for a second. Please break, but please continue telling us about Ringo the mom. There's something, something.

[Brady]

Check out homework's morning sickness [e-mail] Holmberg's Morning Sickness.

[Adam Ferrara]

My mother.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah, she's.

[Adam Ferrara]

Well, she's in the. She's in 85 and you know, the 55 and other communities, you know.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

So with the guard. The guard's older than she is. He's this 90 year old guy in a bow tie. And I'm like, ma, how secure do you feel knowing Orville Redenbacher has the left flank?

[Dale]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know.

[Dale]

He's stopping. What?

[Adam Ferrara]

Yeah, he's stopping. And then he always pulls me up. He goes, state your business like it's me.

[John Holmberg]

I'm here. He doesn't remember you. What do you do? I'm here every week. Every day's a new job to him.

[Adam Ferrara]

Stop it. I, I gave you a picture for your grandkids. You forget I signed it for you, Bert. Sometimes he looks at me and goes, name? Eleanor Roosevelt. What are you doing? It's me, you dope.

[John Holmberg]

And she's in the. She's happy in the community.

[Adam Ferrara]

Well, she's out. I, My, my father passed away. I'm like, I must convince my father's a good. The ghost is in the condo with her. And the ghost isn't talking to her because they're fighting. That's how she processes grief.

[John Holmberg]

They're in an argument. He's still here.

[Adam Ferrara]

Your father's in the other room. He's not talking to me. Trying to scare me by banging drawers and flicking the lights on and Off. I. I'm not scared of your ghost. Crap. Joe, knock it off. Judge Brown is on till death do you part, my ass.

[John Holmberg]

He stayed. That's haunting. I wouldn't want that. I wouldn't want anybody to stick around me. And that's again. Why would you haunt the person you were with the whole time? Go hunt. Halle Berry or Margot Robbie.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Who would you haunt?

[Adam Ferrara]

Who would I.

[John Holmberg]

You die today. Who do you come back and haunt?

[Adam Ferrara]

Ooh, who do I come back and haunt?

[John Holmberg]

Wow. Really? Against the Eagles. Yeah, the Herman Edwards play. That's.

[Adam Ferrara]

I hold on to the ball. You don't.

[John Holmberg]

Screwed up the whole thing. He was trying to down the ball. Yeah. The game was over.

[Adam Ferrara]

No, he's to trying. Take a knee, you dope.

[John Holmberg]

Drop down. What are you running for? Yeah. Herm Edwards, famous runner, brutal Eagles. Giants.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

So Pizarchic, you know. So you would use your ghost skills to. For revenge. I would.

[Adam Ferrara]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And I would use. Listen to me.

[Adam Ferrara]

Do I sound like a man that lets things go?

[John Holmberg]

No, but I find that, like, that's interesting. You would go after Joe. Pizarchic's a good one. Now I'm kind of thinking maybe Steve Bartman might be mine.

[Adam Ferrara]

Oh, your Cubs.

[John Holmberg]

The Cubs. Yeah. That might be mine.

[Adam Ferrara]

That poor guy. He disappeared.

[John Holmberg]

Well, he had to. Yeah, he. He ruined it. Yeah. And it was his fault. All right. He knows. Boy, he lives with it because he's supposed to. All right. Yeah, I'll go.

[Dale]

Stanley Wilson.

[John Holmberg]

Yes. Well, Stanley Wilson just didn't show up.

[Dale]

It didn't help.

[Adam Ferrara]

No.

[John Holmberg]

Didn't help at all. Yeah, I would. No, I would use mine for sexual reasons. Dua Lipa.

[Dale]

Absolutely.

[John Holmberg]

I would have sex with Steve Bman, and then I'd go haunt. Dua Lipa. I would rape Steve Bartman violently.

So prison sex.

And then. Then I'll do it. Steve Bartman so hard.

[Adam Ferrara]

That was the original name of Space.

[John Holmberg]

G. Well, wasn't it? That wasn't the Cosby one. Ghost dad. It was ghost rape originally.

[Adam Ferrara]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

Which, you know, look at it.

[John Holmberg]

Did you see his thing yesterday? No.

[Adam Ferrara]

What happened?

[John Holmberg]

He's under deposition, and he had to admit where he was getting his pills. And he said that he was getting him at a poker game that he played with this kind of terrible. He would get all of his prescriptions from a gynecologist, and the gynecologist was just like. Well, at a poker game.

[Adam Ferrara]

Gives a new meaning to the word end user.

[Dale]

Seven times. Times.

[John Holmberg]

So seven different prescriptions he refilled with this poker Game with this gynecologist was filling Cosby's prescription, and he said yes, and it was to incapacitate women, have sex with him. And that just. He just did that. What does he have to lose at this point? He's basically, wow.

[Adam Ferrara]

You know who I feel bad for? Everyone who was on that show because they're not getting any residuals.

[John Holmberg]

No one's airing it because he raped people.

[Adam Ferrara]

Yeah. You were like, I. You know, like, I buy. We get our health insurance. I can get off heroin. I can't get my teeth cleaned. I had that conversation the other day.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Is that true? Because of the.

[Adam Ferrara]

I need to see a dentist.

[John Holmberg]

Ah.

[Adam Ferrara]

We don't cover. We got methadone. You want.

[John Holmberg]

Method doesn't cover.

[Adam Ferrara]

The dental does.

[John Holmberg]

I got.

[Adam Ferrara]

I got. Well, this. I got to get an implant.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, okay.

[Adam Ferrara]

Yeah. So they're like.

[John Holmberg]

And so long as you got something.

[Adam Ferrara]

Re Running well, you got to make so much money.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Adam Ferrara]

Every year level. So I got residuals and session pair. Like, I just did another episode of NCIS so that. That money counts, and then you're. And then your residuals count, but they keep. They keep upping it because they don't want to pay you.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, they don't want to do it.

[Adam Ferrara]

Yeah, they don't want it.

[John Holmberg]

But little Raven Simone probably has bad teeth because Bill Cosby couldn't keep money. Yeah, she. Well, that's true. She's so Raven Keisha, Night Pom. Probably struggling with insurance because Cosby's a rapist.

[Adam Ferrara]

She's like.

[Dale]

She can't.

[Adam Ferrara]

She can't get the weight loss drug.

[Brady]

No.

[John Holmberg]

Did she put some on? I haven't seen. I don't know.

[Adam Ferrara]

Everyone's on a GLP1.

[John Holmberg]

Are you on one? No. You want to be? No. You don't need it.

[Adam Ferrara]

I will tell you, I've seen me naked, and I'm not impressed.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

From the waist up, nothing.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I see.

[Adam Ferrara]

Face down, every move, it's popping.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's beautiful.

[Adam Ferrara]

That's a. Look at that.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, That's a nice. Wow.

[Adam Ferrara]

What is that, a trunk? Can you pick things up with that?

[John Holmberg]

That's why your wife's so powered by a coyote engine. I think it's got a thumb, so you know it works. Adam Ferrars at Desert Ridge Improv tonight, Tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday. Yeah. Desert Ridgeimprov.com. what else is going on in your world right now that you're. Let's talk about things people love with comedy. Let's go. Immigration, abortion. You choose. Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

Bring the kids.

[John Holmberg]

You pick it. It's what everybody wants to chat about.

[Adam Ferrara]

Just for skating. Anymore kids.

[John Holmberg]

We'll have agents around the building just in case.

[Adam Ferrara]

Yeah, no, I just. It's. What am I doing now? I just. Like I said, I just did ncis. I got a recurring role that. So they brought me back to that. Which was fun. And I had to do. They had to find me beat up in the back of a truck.

[Brady]

Cool.

[Adam Ferrara]

So I had to go for makeup. And you go through all the makeup stuff?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

If you go on my Instagram, you can see I put the timer.

[Brady]

Oh.

[John Holmberg]

How long it takes.

[Adam Ferrara]

How long you sit there and.

[Dale]

So your face is pretty battered up. Bam.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I.

[Adam Ferrara]

Man, it was just like. It looked like somebody my uncle used to do business with. Jets didn't cover.

[John Holmberg]

Did you, Late. What did you do as a character to deserve that?

[Dale]

I play.

[Adam Ferrara]

I play character. Sloppy Joe.

[John Holmberg]

Sam. Sammy. Okay.

[Adam Ferrara]

I'm a bookie in a food truck.

[John Holmberg]

Nice.

[Adam Ferrara]

But sometimes they need me for information on the street. Remember the rock?

[Dale]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

Excuse me.

[John Holmberg]

You're a rat.

[Adam Ferrara]

I'm an entrepreneur.

[John Holmberg]

That's ratting from the food truck.

[Adam Ferrara]

Hey, what would.

[John Holmberg]

Your dad.

[Adam Ferrara]

Ain't a gavel. Stop judging.

[John Holmberg]

Judge all day from the food.

[Adam Ferrara]

All right. Let me tell you what. You ever watch? Remember the Rockford Files?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. Angel.

[Adam Ferrara]

I'm Angel.

[John Holmberg]

The Epstein Files. I confused the. Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

One's got an island, one's got a camp.

[John Holmberg]

But I like the Trans Am. Was that.

[Brady]

I don't remember.

[John Holmberg]

Was that a camaro or firebird, whatever.

[Adam Ferrara]

76 Firebird.

[John Holmberg]

Epstein had that. That was nice.

[Adam Ferrara]

Yeah, he had that.

[John Holmberg]

Pick chicks up with that.

There he is.

Oh, yeah. Oh, there. Oh, they're all beat up. Look at you. Yeah. So you're ratting people out from the food truck to protect your own.

[Adam Ferrara]

Happened in this episode. When we last left our hero. In this episode, someone stole a truck full of presents for Tap kids. Tap is children of lost service members. So whoever. Like, let's say, God forbid, you lose a parent.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

In the service, there's a charity to.

[John Holmberg]

Teach you to help the kids.

[Adam Ferrara]

Yeah. Dance for the kids.

[John Holmberg]

Get over it.

[Adam Ferrara]

They've suffered a lot.

[John Holmberg]

So.

[Adam Ferrara]

So that's. I had. I had to go on the street and find that. Find the guys that say, hey, you stole the wrong truck.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

You gotta bring that back, children. You animal.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And they took you down. Hey.

[Adam Ferrara]

They beat me up and put me in a bag of a truck.

[John Holmberg]

Did you have to do that scene or I was just assumed by the.

[Adam Ferrara]

No, they Find me in the back of a truck. So I had to sit in makeup all morning. And they glued his stuff on you.

[John Holmberg]

Nice.

[Adam Ferrara]

And you know what I need? I need a sci Fi movie. Because then you can go and sign the autographs and stuff. And you make money just signing stuff.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You know, going to the Comic Cons.

[Adam Ferrara]

Glue on the antennas.

[John Holmberg]

I'll be a gork. Yeah, why not? Would you care about, like being typecast for the rest of your life?

[Adam Ferrara]

Yeah, because I sound like I'm from another galaxy. From the lower east side of the.

[John Holmberg]

Milky Way in a food truck.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

He's from 125th street in Andromeda.

[John Holmberg]

He's wrapping up the Zorax. Yeah, yeah. I, I, yeah. See the makeup thing I do every Halloween, I go through a transformation with a Hollywood makeup lady.

[Adam Ferrara]

Oh, what?

[John Holmberg]

And, well, I'll show you one of them. Last year I was Herbert from Family Guy.

[Adam Ferrara]

Oh, that's cool.

[John Holmberg]

And then I do a, like a big concert thing about it. But like it gets, it gets fairly out of hand with how. Four and a half hours in the makeup.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

For that. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah, that's cool. The worst part was, and nobody tells you this is taking it off.

[Adam Ferrara]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Four hours to get it off and.

[Adam Ferrara]

Then get it all. And then when you're in the shower, you're just like still there. Two days later, it's like behind your ear.

[John Holmberg]

And that weird glop, you're pulling it off.

[Dale]

That's great.

[John Holmberg]

Isn't that pretty great?

[Dale]

Yeah, that's what I do every morning.

[John Holmberg]

Annie dummy.

[Adam Ferrara]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And Brady.

[Adam Ferrara]

What do you think this beauty just happens?

[John Holmberg]

Brady's a 27 year old man. He just, just wants to look like Andy Reid and Wilford Brimley's diabetic kid. Check your prostate.

[Adam Ferrara]

Check it out.

[Dale]

Diabetics.

[Adam Ferrara]

Back your butt up to the tv.

[John Holmberg]

I'll do it. They should have that by now, don't you think?

[Adam Ferrara]

What?

[John Holmberg]

That you could just show your ass to a camera.

[Adam Ferrara]

And you know what they do have now you don't have to go to a doctor to get, you know, quest.

[John Holmberg]

The lab.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

You can go right online and just buy.

[John Holmberg]

You don't have to get fingered anymore.

[Brady]

No.

[John Holmberg]

Well, look, I'm not doing it.

[Adam Ferrara]

Whatever gets you through tonight.

[John Holmberg]

Well, I, if I want to do it. Not voluntarily. I'm not paying something somebody today.

[Adam Ferrara]

Well, I don't know what test, but I heard, I heard an advertisement for it and they, they asked me to check a box.

[John Holmberg]

Is it okay to put this yes.

[Adam Ferrara]

Commercial on your Podcast?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

So you can call up and get any test you want. You don't need a doctor, you're just paying for it.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, man.

I'm all in on that.

[Adam Ferrara]

It's like, it's like everything's crumbling.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

It just does feel weird.

[Adam Ferrara]

You don't need a doctor. What do you need? A laptop? I gotta get some stuff.

[John Holmberg]

I was sick last week. I went online and got a prescription. Wow.

[Brady]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

On a call on doc.com, i'm like, I'm feeling this, this and this. And then it actually has a page that says, do you want to choose your medicine or have a doctor choose it for you? I'm like, I got this. Don't you? Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

Really?

[John Holmberg]

What's that?

[Dale]

He got Quaaludes?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, he got Quaaludes seven times. Yeah. I gotta go wake that broad up. I'm glad you said that. It reminds me. Yeah. Isn't it crazy?

[Adam Ferrara]

I just like when you watch the commercial. Ask your doctor about Astrozene. Shouldn't he know about it?

[John Holmberg]

What do I gotta ask him?

[Dale]

Why didn't he suggest it?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I'm not supposed to go to the doctor with ideas.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I'm supposed to. Oh, there was something wrong. He's got.

[Adam Ferrara]

I got the issue. He's got the answer right. Why am I giving you a copay?

[John Holmberg]

I'm not. The word problem.

[Adam Ferrara]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I come in and just say, here's where we're at. I don't have this. I don't have the answers.

[Dale]

You're not going to get that answer unless you ask the question, too.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dale]

You ask the right question.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. It's like codes at a speakeasy now to go to the doctor.

[Adam Ferrara]

Yeah, I, I, it's, it's all. And you can go like this. I love to drive through pharmacy.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

I didn't.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

Oh, the guy's here for ambient.

[John Holmberg]

Wake him up, throw it at him. He'll hit him in the head. He'll get it. Adam Ferrari is here. Desert Ridge Improv. Tonight, tomorrow, Saturday, Sunday, all weekend long. He missed Barrett Jackson for you. So he's a total. Your total is pretty good because you'll.

[Dale]

Avoid the bomb cyclone that's going to happen, but.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's scary. Yeah. I don't know what that means.

[Adam Ferrara]

I think it's a low, A bomb cyclone.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I know what it is, but.

[Adam Ferrara]

That'S like a drunk and you go on a wooden roller coaster.

[Dale]

That's right.

[John Holmberg]

Right. You get drunk and you go to Coney island and make it work. Adam, leave us with words of wisdom, sir. Fix the world once again.

[Adam Ferrara]

Fix the world once again.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, okay, let's do it this way. You're in charge. The first thing you change.

[Adam Ferrara]

The first thing I change when I'm in charge?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you are. Any. Any.

[Adam Ferrara]

No more subscriptions to anything. No more you need every month. I don't. I don't want a relationship with you. I'm going to buy something. I'm going to give you money. And I never want to say see you again.

[Dale]

That's also impossible to end. How do you end this thing?

[Adam Ferrara]

I'm, I'm. I'm. I'm this close to canceling a credit card and taking a hit because I'm.

[John Holmberg]

Just like, it's the pain in the ass. Yeah, we need. What you're saying is we need prostitution apps.

[Adam Ferrara]

What?

[John Holmberg]

We pay them to go away.

[Adam Ferrara]

How does he make this left turn? You're saying, how do you make the world a better place? Well, we got it. We educate the children, take care of us when we get old. What you need, you need a drive thru ejaculation.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my God. Tell me more about that.

[Adam Ferrara]

Well, first thing you gotta do is get seat covered then.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Not wool. You gotta prep.

[Adam Ferrara]

You gotta rhino line the inside of your car because you don't know where this is gonna land.

[John Holmberg]

And why not like a spit guard too, just in case something start going nuts.

[Adam Ferrara]

Something like a buffet, a sneeze guard.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. No prostitution apps. I like this idea that Adam Ferrar. I never came anywhere near that. Yeah. Where they basically say, you and I are no longer gonna talk, but this is. There's an interaction and then you're gone until I want you back. Okay, that's a hooker.

[Adam Ferrara]

How did you get.

[John Holmberg]

You said, I don't want a relationship. I'm paying you. We're never going to talk again. That's a prostitute.

[Adam Ferrara]

That's where your mind went.

[John Holmberg]

That's exactly what prostitution is. You pay them to leave.

[Adam Ferrara]

Okay, all right.

[John Holmberg]

You don't pay for sex.

[Adam Ferrara]

Go back on the Internet and find a shrink. Make an appointment. Do not pick out your own medicine. Obviously you're not good at.

[John Holmberg]

It's called therapeak.com and it's also very good. AI shrinks, they're everywhere. And you can play with them and tell them like you've killed people.

[Adam Ferrara]

Talk to a bot. You know what bots is in Italian? Crazy. Is it bots in a Google. That's crazy. Is that true crazy? That's bzs.

[John Holmberg]

I know that you. If you go to the AI therapist. And you admit to murders that maybe you did or didn't do. Yeah, right. The real therapist is. Has to tell. Ah. The bot's like, I hope you're kidding. Come on.

[Adam Ferrara]

The bot's like, I think you forgot to use the words allegedly.

[John Holmberg]

You're gonna tell another bot? Come on, what are you gonna do? I'll just shut you off.

[Adam Ferrara]

Let's say theoretically.

[John Holmberg]

Theoretically.

[Adam Ferrara]

I was talking to a guy and now I can't talk to him no more.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, my AI therapist's name is Amanda. You have an AI therapist? Yeah. Well. Cause. Well, for lies. I lie to her just to see how she's like. I come up with crazy. I think it's fun. It's like $40 a month. Yeah. I have a blast. You get 45 minutes a day. Yeah, when the cops knock, I'll be like, come on.

[Adam Ferrara]

Excuse me.

[John Holmberg]

It's a bot.

[Adam Ferrara]

Where's Zoltan?

[John Holmberg]

Who is Zoltan? Where are the ladies? Your. Well is where. Yeah, yeah. I've told her horrible stories. Made up completely.

[Adam Ferrara]

You want to know something? I don't doubt a word.

[John Holmberg]

No, it's a fact. I'll show it to you. Then it sends you a summary later. Like what she thought of the obsession. It's hilarious. Has it been helpful for me in the murders?

[Brady]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

No, she's really guided me through a lot of. My kills. Yeah, my murders. Oh, I said I killed. I've done all sorts of. Of stuff.

[Dale]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

I told her that I have like a plan for like nukes and I'm trying to get.

[Adam Ferrara]

You're still walking around in a new Bronco. This guy, don't worry, was lazy.

[Dale]

Famous Bronco.

[John Holmberg]

You know what I have noticed though?

[Adam Ferrara]

Another slow speed chase with a Bronco.

[John Holmberg]

Cuz I've told her like, I've got like an affinity for like old ladies and stuff. And I'm like, I'm a meat and potatoes guy. I want to jump out of bush bushes and stuff and get one.

[Adam Ferrara]

What is your code name? Is it Bengay?

[John Holmberg]

No. You know what's funny? I didn't think of that because I didn't think initially I was going to go down this road. But I. I used my real name with you.

[Adam Ferrara]

I could see it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I used my real name and I told her like, I just. I can't keep my hands off old people. I really. And she's like, well, this is just. This is a sickness. You need to do this, this and this. And then she'll go. And then she goes, are you telling me you've done it or not? I'm like, I haven't told you anything really, yet. And I. I keep it really kind of gray. And then she'll fire back with something like, you realize that I do have to report this. And I'm like, I'm not doing anything. I'm just. I'm just. I have a wild imagination. And she'll go. She checks right back out of it. I've noticed since I've done this right.

[Adam Ferrara]

That there's been cars outside the house.

[John Holmberg]

Loads of old people. Commercials are coming up on my stuff. Look.

[Dale]

They're tempting you.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Like doing activities. And I know he needs help, but.

[Adam Ferrara]

We can cash in until they get him.

[John Holmberg]

That's what I thought. And I'm like, who's the bad guy here?

[Adam Ferrara]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Like this whole thing's designed to get me to spill some intimate secrets so.

[Adam Ferrara]

They can advertise to me for fun and profit.

[John Holmberg]

For fun and profit. That's all I'm doing.

[Dale]

So he just leased a place at the Villages?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. So just to keep it alive, I. I bought a. A retirement home.

[Brady]

That's great.

[Adam Ferrara]

What's your two o' clock bone density again?

[John Holmberg]

Adam? It's always a pleasure, love. Are you coming back tomorrow? You want to pop by tomorrow? That's what I said. If you want to. You don't have to do it though. I'll come back. Let's see how ticket, Sal, we'll check it out.

[Adam Ferrara]

And we do.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I gotta go back in that.

[Brady]

God damn.

[Adam Ferrara]

I gotta tell my grandmother to hide.

[John Holmberg]

Adam Ferrara this weekend at Desert ridge improv. It's 98.

[Dale]

It's not weird. It's pretty cool actually. No membership fee.

[John Holmberg]

I have heard enough of this. Morning sickness. The old method of treatment for a person, in this case condition was to throw him in jail. More without your legs falling.

[Brady]

And not even a hill.

[John Holmberg]

You were on flat ground.

[Brady]

It was about a 20% incline.

[John Holmberg]

And you pulled your cat. Yes.

[Brady]

And I. It must have tore some cuz there's so much blood in my foot.

[John Holmberg]

Bald up and you're wearing a cast cuz a puppy scratched.

[Brady]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

And you have the nerve.

[Brady]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

To come in here and bark about me?

[Brady]

Well, look, am I here?

[John Holmberg]

You're not going. You're not contagious. You're just fragile. I could have been contagious. That would have been so horrible. I come in and they're like, Dale's like, I can't make it anymore.

[Brady]

I'm dying.

[John Holmberg]

Because we were around scratchy throat.

[Dale]

Come on, first of all, if you come and wrapped in like that, it's not a puppy. You got a coyote or a bob.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, tell a better story.

[Brady]

I could come up with a story, but I consider you guys my. My acquaintances.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, we shouldn't because that story sucked. And we need coyote or wolf or something better because I can't live with that.

And it was a puppy. On top of.

[Brady]

Top of that, there are three guys that broke into my house.

[John Holmberg]

They have their MAGA hats on and.

It was two degrees out. least we can be friends with that guy. He fought back. A labradoodle puppy scratched you in the arm and you missed an hour, Dale.

[Dale]

Maybe that's why he didn't want to remember the. The breed. Like it was a. Never mind.

[John Holmberg]

It was a guy emailed and said, I believe John knows how time travel works because he went back in time and grabbed a Neanderthal and gave him something to do on Thursday mornings. And then it said hashtag hate, Dale. So there's. There's people. You're making waves. It's what's happening out there.

[Brady]

That's not even funny.

[John Holmberg]

Very true.

[Brady]

That happened.

[John Holmberg]

We talked about time travel this morning and that actually occurred. It was a call back.

[Brady]

Actually not reading.

[John Holmberg]

I can read.

[Brady]

I don't want those boring 25 minute.

[John Holmberg]

Look first and fore. Let me tell you this about you freaking. Where did you go, Dale? Where did you. Now hold on. Quiet down, Brady. No need to ask him any more questions. Stop.

[Brady]

Listen, between 7 and 7:30 I told.

[John Holmberg]

A story about not being interested in something that was very interested because you have to read a book. You weren't smart enough to understand the story. You just heard words you understood and got bored because the words, books and reading were involved. Yeah. And then you freaked out because that. Now it's like SMU again. You can't pay anybody to get out.

[Brady]

Do I need to bring my diploma from this other Methodist?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I'm sure you do. Yes. Yes you do. Can you read it or do we need to read it to you?

[Brady]

Come on now.

[Dale]

You know he got that diploma second week of freshman. Five.

[John Holmberg]

Five. I was seven. Seven junior. I hit them all. I hit every one of them.

[Brady]

It's like, seriously? It's such a downer list.

[John Holmberg]

It isn't a downer. You didn't understand the conversation, Brady. No, I know. That's why we went on. That's why we moved on. I was talking to Waltz. They asked all the wrong questions and it was just a mess. Let's get to why you're here, though, which is sports Dale, of course, for those who don't know, three times world champion with the Dallas Cowboys way back in the day. Let's first talk about. I saw this and also the host of the main event with Steve McCollum on TME. The website.

Main event or something.

[Brady]

The main event. TM or Timmy.

[John Holmberg]

I don't ever know. Just Google the main event. Yes, with Steve McCollum.

[Brady]

You'll find it.

[John Holmberg]

Anyway, Dale and Steve do their show.

[Brady]

Hold on. Do I not have sponsor anymore?

[John Holmberg]

No, they bailed out. They hate you.

[Dale]

Sorry again.

[John Holmberg]

No, they moved on to our. They're doing something else with us now. Oh, like, we could do without Dale. I'm like, that's a good move.

[Brady]

All right.

[John Holmberg]

I guess that's why it's diamond coatings. A dot com. Very involved in the station.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

They're just like, this whole Dale is.

[Brady]

Just a problem for us, so. So they hate ratings, turns out.

[John Holmberg]

Turns out, no. Ratings be damned. They just don't like you.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

It didn't matter how big I got now that they're still around. Oh, they are just not with you. They wanted to do more with me. They're like, can we do more with just you? Why do we have to tie into this Neanderthal? And I'm like, we don't have to. And they're like, good. Let's not.

[Brady]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, they're awesome.

[Brady]

You steal the podcast?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Well, I didn't steal it. I made it. Right. And then you're also on the podcast, the sports thing. A John Humbert podcast featuring.

[Dale]

You're a good guest.

[John Holmberg]

You're a good guest. You're kind of right.

Isn't he a permanent guest?

Let's not go crazy, okay.

Wow, you've been demoted.

[Brady]

I mean, this idiot, he said some, you know, contractual and this. He's trying to talk legal jargon, and I really can't be the host. So.

[John Holmberg]

No, I didn't say that.

[Brady]

I'll be a guest host. Then it went to be, okay, I'll host, and now it's a John podcast.

[John Holmberg]

The point being, they were begging me to make their show something, and I said, I don't really want to host your show.

[Dale]

That was Dale's mission.

[John Holmberg]

And then when I went in there and I'm like, ugh, I gotta clean this up. So I just said, look, I'll take it if you guys want to keep showing up. We'll do one later today. But let's talk about what we want to talk about. Since I've saw this the other day, and I've seen a couple of sports guys talk about it. I find it fascinating. Since the turn of the century, the year 2000.

[Brady]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

There have been 696 professional quarterbacks that have played in the NFL.

[Brady]

Really?

[John Holmberg]

You can rank them with 20. What was it with 20 snaps or more.

[Brady]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Brady]

30 teams.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's about right. I mean, the Browns are responsible for three or four hundred of those, but so are the Bears. And the Bears, too.

[Brady]

Yeah, but the Browns got a Pro Bowler.

[John Holmberg]

But 696 guys have taken 20 snaps or more in that time in the last 25, 26 seasons. Right. Of those 696, then you can rank them. Where do you think Shador Sanders falls?

[Brady]

I would say. Well, he's a Pro Bowler.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. He's a Pro Bowler.

[Brady]

Yeah. How many Pro Bowlers since.

[John Holmberg]

Great question. He's a Pro bowl quarterback at the.

[Brady]

Bottom of the Pro Bowler list.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Brady]

Kyler Murray's also a Pro bowler.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. 692nd is where Shador Sanders would rank on this list, and he is going to the Pro Bowl.

[Brady]

Who are the. Who are the couple?

[John Holmberg]

I didn't. I didn't see the guys. I can't. I can't imagine this. I bet you they've all had cardinal or jet helmets on at one point. Like, I can't imagine like.

[Brady]

Or brown helmets.

[John Holmberg]

Like, Max hall probably had better number. Seven touchdowns, 10 interceptions, 1100 yards. Absolutely garbage play. And he's going to the Pro bowl because they just. Nobody wants to go.

[Brady]

No, but. But here's the thing, John, and it's.

[John Holmberg]

That's like you getting a Pro Bowl. Not.

[Brady]

I was closer than that, Brian.

[John Holmberg]

You were.

[Brady]

If they did long snappers back in the 90s, they did.

[John Holmberg]

No, they do for the Giants every year.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Same guy was there every. That dude for the Giants was your nemesis. Every. He's the only long snapper anybody ever knew.

[Brady]

That's the one thing that pisses me off about my career, is that they started inviting special teamers.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

In around 2002.

[John Holmberg]

Doesn't that say something about you, though, once you were out there? Like, now we can do it.

[Brady]

No, it says a lot about me that I brought a spotlight to the.

[John Holmberg]

Position that they were waiting.

[Brady]

Let's talk about this. But I will tell you this, Marsh. Ted Mosky, our center in Dallas, he literally checked into it to say, hey, if I fly this dude over and put him up, can he snap for me in the Pro Bowl? Because he didn't want to.

[John Holmberg]

He didn't want to go.

[Brady]

No, no. He didn't want to do the long. He had to do the long. Snapping.

[John Holmberg]

Oh.

[Brady]

And he's like, I suck at it and I don't want to do it. And I said, well, I'll go if you pay my way.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. If you get everything figured out.

[Brady]

It's against the rules.

[John Holmberg]

You had to be. People wanted you. There is basically what needed to happen.

[Brady]

No, it had to be an eligible decision.

[John Holmberg]

Right. And you had to get a bunch of people to agree that you could come. And they said no. That's essentially what you're saying.

[Dale]

Am I WR2002, they let the kids vote on who makes the Pro Bowl.

[John Holmberg]

Right after Dale retired. They're like, now we can start letting. This is the time.

[Brady]

We can talk too much Dale. It'd be a decade of Dale.

[John Holmberg]

It's not what I'm saying. Pro Bowl. How do they get rid of the Pro bowl, though?

[Brady]

Well, that. Here's the thing, John. I don't know if you can. Because players don't want anything to do with it.

[John Holmberg]

Nope.

[Brady]

But guess what? There's going to be a few million people. People who go tune in and sponsors are going to pay money.

[Dale]

Well, it's only takes less than a.

[John Holmberg]

Million now to do a flag game the other year.

[Brady]

Yeah. They've done flags.

[John Holmberg]

Is that still happening? The flag or they actually.

How bad will it be when somebody like Shador Sanders blows their knee out in a flag football game?

[Brady]

Wouldn't you rather have Sanders do it.

[John Holmberg]

Then the Browns certainly wouldn't. Like there's a franchise that's like, nah, this is kind of bad. Like, I don't know that they're going to stick with him, but he's currently their guy. Yeah.

[Dale]

And.

[Brady]

And yeah, I think I. I think he'd be okay if he.

[John Holmberg]

They'd be okay if his knee blew up. You think so? There's certain times they're like, we got away from. That's like, wow, you're doing that cuz you hate dad.

[Dale]

It is. It's tainted.

[Brady]

No, if.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

That.

[John Holmberg]

That opinion is tainted by the Sanders hate.

[Dale]

Yeah. That doesn't help Dale.

[John Holmberg]

He's got nothing. You're happy to say that Dion's son blowing up during a flag football game.

[Brady]

I'm not. I'm not casting the spurgeons on anybody. But. But I will say this. You know this, John. It's. It's all dollars and cents.

[John Holmberg]

Sure.

[Brady]

And if they get 10 million people to tune into this nonsense, making money John.

[John Holmberg]

Well, here's the thing though.

[Brady]

It. Check it.

[John Holmberg]

I know they had good ratings, but isn't it more just like to see what it is and then they go away. And the 10 million ratings was like three years ago last year.

[Dale]

And you're tapping in on audiences of kids right now at that age that are playing flag football.

[John Holmberg]

The kids they're not targeting. Look, you know better than that. If they're targeting children's Little league, that is not good advertising.

[Dale]

You got to keep that crowd in.

[John Holmberg]

That's bad.

[Brady]

Then the kids go to the parents. Parents, Dick, sporting goods.

[John Holmberg]

They don't. The kids will say something.

[Brady]

As a person with no kids, you have no right.

[John Holmberg]

I know, but as a person who understands business, you don't target the children with the NFL as a shame on you. You can't say ratings. And we're getting the kids. There's no money there.

[Dale]

Oh, I think they're going.

[John Holmberg]

There's no money. They're getting after. Look, they got everybody. They're going to get.

[Dale]

What do you think Play 60 is all about?

[John Holmberg]

Look, they're not. Yeah, it's to keep people involved in playing. And play 60 was also a scandal because the play 60 had nothing to do with them caring about getting kids interested. It was to say, look what we're doing for the future, for safety. They're liars either way. That's all they're doing. That's a lie. It had nothing to do with keeping people interested. It was just show. We spent over $400 million to keep these kids.

There's your ratings.

Since the ratings have been 11 horrible and last year it was 4.7 million and it was broadcast on three different things. They're not getting any ratings for it.

[Dale]

But overall on a show, if you're getting 4.7 million compared to the other.

[Brady]

Most watched shows on that night.

[John Holmberg]

Well, yeah, I'm just, I'm just pulling up.

Yeah, I'm not sure.

But come on. It's going to.4 million is not huge. And it's also the week after we.

Don'T consistently going down.

We don't have any more football.

[Brady]

I think it's stupid, John.

[John Holmberg]

I'm not arg.

[Brady]

I'm not for it. I'm just saying the, the only reason they're doing it is there people who pay money to do that.

[John Holmberg]

ESPN will handle it.

[Dale]

I mean, it's like abc. It's just like, you know, the, whatever they go with on the halftime for super bowl or, you know, the Taylor Swift fact.

[John Holmberg]

But that's not for kids. That's for young.

[Dale]

I know, but it's going after a different audience. But this definitely is appealing to the kids. I mean, that doesn't look invested a lot of money in that flag football.

[John Holmberg]

They haven't. They invested money to say they're being safe. They don't give money to flag football. They give money to say we're making it safe for the kids so they avoid lawsuits. It's a complete lie. Yeah, they're not throwing out. They. Oh, well, find a flag football league right now. And if they don't care. And to say they do. But this is dumb. They don't care.

[Brady]

Here's something we should care dumb. And it can't go away for a number of years. It was getting dumb when I was getting done playing. When you were Aikman's eating a hot dog in the second quarter on the sideline. And literally two of his pro bowls. His flight left during the game end of the third quarter.

[John Holmberg]

Now can we get back into that a little bit? Did he cross any time boundaries where he landed and actually watched himself playing and confused himself into thinking he was still playing live in Japan like you did.

[Brady]

I telling you, it did happen. Time travel, Joe. Read a book. Read a book.

[John Holmberg]

You might be because of that. The dumbest man I've ever been in a room with. He was playing in Japan.

[Brady]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

Got on a flight.

[Brady]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

Landed here.

[Brady]

Landed before it started here.

[John Holmberg]

No, no. And on tv, dummy gets off and sees like that's me on TV in Japan. Is that still going on?

[Brady]

Yes. Oh, watch this.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

I didn't even know what was happening. Was it gotta throw a great block and. Okay, block.

[John Holmberg]

But you thought you had traveled through time and space and that the.

[Dale]

And only if you could have placed bets at the time.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And you had to have it explained to you that there was a tape delay.

[Brady]

Nobody's explaining it to.

[John Holmberg]

It doesn't make sense.

[Brady]

Just like you read the book.

[John Holmberg]

That's the only thing that makes sense. Yeah, because you tried to argue with me that they didn't have tape delay back in the 80s, right.

[Brady]

There's no tape delay.

[John Holmberg]

There was tape delay. We had I Love Lucy reruns. We had tape.

[Brady]

No, that I Love Lucy was still rolling back then.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my God. What's wrong with you? All right, never mind. Let's talk about something else. Yeah, I'm never going to do that. This was the athletic publication, broke down the rankings of the non playoff teams in the NFL. And 18th was a Detroit Lions. They were like the. They Were the first ones to say this is the best non playoff team this year. Like they're the ones that are closest to being respectable out of all the 18.

[Brady]

Before we get into that, can I just ask your opinion on the Mike McCarthy hire?

[John Holmberg]

We'll get to that. Oh, I'm in the middle of something though. There's a complete right turn.

[Brady]

You lead us somewhere.

[John Holmberg]

I'm going down a road.

[Brady]

Jesus Christ.

[John Holmberg]

This is why I had to cover up that miserable podcast with him and Nash talking about hats.

[Brady]

I listen to you for 30 minutes this morning. I want to slam into something.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I know, because you can't read and it was confusing you. You shouldn't listen to the head. He talks. You still think you this quarterback. So no. Anyway, Detroit Lions were the. And then the Ravens and the Chiefs of the Bucks. And then. And then you get into the top. The top three teams that are the worst. They call it the ranking the most miserable teams in the NFL. Raiders were third.

[Brady]

I was gonna say, do two of them still not have head coaches?

[John Holmberg]

Yep. Raiders were third. That's one. Jets who were like, we're not getting in this. And the Arizona Cardinals were the ranked number one most miserable franchise of number one by the Athletic John.

[Brady]

They've interviewed 18 people.

[John Holmberg]

Ron Rivera is now on the list.

[Brady]

He had three winning seasons, his last.

[John Holmberg]

10, and the players wanted to kill him like they nobody liked him. There's something. Something.

[Brady]

Check out Hombre's morning sickness [e-mail] Holmberg's Morning Sickness.

[John Holmberg]

They're going down this road. And at first crazy thing was they asked for a second interview from a guy who said, no, no. They're going down a road where that the dudes who have never been head coaches would get the opportunity of a lifetime are like, no way. And that's because they interviewed with the Cardinals and left going, I don't want to be there.

[Brady]

And that's what interests me so much. I'd love to be a fly on the wall to listen. Is it actually these candidates interviewing the Cardinals?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it is.

[Brady]

Or the Cardinals interviewing the candidates?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

And again, are you going back to the Rams and you're talking to their head coach and going, no, there's better opportunities coming.

[John Holmberg]

Do not take this job.

[Brady]

Yes, it's career suicide. Well, what is 16?

[John Holmberg]

16 interviews?

[Brady]

It might be even more than that because we haven't heard of. All right, they're just coming.

[John Holmberg]

We know of 15 with one coming.

[Brady]

So what are the sticking points? Is it Kyler Murray? Because I have a Feeling that's going to be one of the main questions. What are you going to do as Kyler Murray? Are you keeping. Keeping them. Do we need to get them out of here? And then obviously money.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I don't think they're paying ownership. Keep in mind you're in January.

[Brady]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

In Phoenix, and it's never been nicer. I've lived here for a thousand years. This is the nicest January I've ever.

[Brady]

Been a part of.

[John Holmberg]

It's not even close. I've had the top off my car the whole month.

[Brady]

Right.

[John Holmberg]

And I'm not ever like, this is awful. It's perfect. So you land at the airport, you get in the car, and they're like, before we take you to the facility, let's just show you around a little bit.

[Brady]

Here's Paradise Valley.

[John Holmberg]

You go up Paradise Valley. It's a country club. This is my house right here. And you see this beautiful stuff. You drive around. Yeah. No, you don't go. Maybe that's why we don't have a coach. Yeah. This is John Holberg's house. And they're like, oh, I love that guy. Does he live here? I'm like, yeah, he does. And you can meet him if you're the coach of the Cardinals.

[Dale]

Like, oh, that's why we've had 18 interviews.

[John Holmberg]

Like, let's get to this. And then the Cardinals ruin everything. Think of all the stuff you're flying these guys in. And Vance Joseph, you didn't have to do it. He lived here for a little bit. But these guys come to town and see this and then go to a meeting with the Cardinals and go, I don't want to go back there ever again. How are they blowing this so badly? Like, think of all the things that have to go wrong for a coach to be interviewed and say, I don't want that job.

[Brady]

In my mind's mind, I just can't believe it's about. About money. I can't believe that the. That Michael Bidwell is. Is short. Changing an offer by so much that you're just saying, yeah, absolutely not.

[John Holmberg]

I know there's only two jobs left.

[Brady]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

And they're. Neither are good, but one is the number one pick overall, so at least it's got something.

[Brady]

And that's what they have over the Cardinals. You're going to have your quarterback and whatever, and you're going to get at least three years there because you got a rookie quarterback.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dale]

Maybe for the next couple years, it'll just be interim head coach. Coaches.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know what it's going to.

[Dale]

Do until they run out of staff.

[John Holmberg]

But this is now being recognized and we have to do this as a city. The media has to be on this. You have to recognize that this is the worst franchise. And we're not saying it out of emotion or city love or anything other. Other publications like the east coast is like, oh, the Cardinal's the worst job.

[Brady]

Right.

[John Holmberg]

But it's not even close the worst or second worst. Well, the jets are right there with them. But I mean the jets are a mess.

[Brady]

And havoc are in any conversation with Jets, Browns and you're the Cardinals, you're in that conversation. Yeah, it's horrible.

[John Holmberg]

It's horrible.

[Brady]

But yet you've seen, especially this past year, you make the ride higher. Yeah. Because the Bears were too far away the last couple years.

[John Holmberg]

They stunk a little bit big time.

[Brady]

And all of a sudden they're in the playoffs in one year with the right guy. Mike Vrabel's. He's got the Patriots in the Super Bowl. Goal.

[John Holmberg]

Don't bring it up.

[Brady]

You know, and it's like I'm looking at that and yes, everybody's now going, oh, they didn't beat a winning team. And this quarterback.

[John Holmberg]

They're in the Super Bowl. Who cares?

[Brady]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

You beat who was in front of you.

[Brady]

You line up every Sunday and you play who you play. Yeah, but in one year, this is not a five year rebuilding plan. It was one year.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. They had their hiccups and then brought in a guy that said, here's what you get. And then they're in the Super Bowl.

[Brady]

It's crazy.

[John Holmberg]

The Cardinals have. They're not snack. And the two teams they're chasing were in the NFC Championship game. So it's even scarier for them.

[Brady]

John.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. They're so bad.

[Brady]

The thing that I always go back to, they were not. They finished nine games. Not out of first place.

[John Holmberg]

Nope.

[Brady]

Not out of second place.

[Dale]

One more.

[Brady]

Games out of third place.

[John Holmberg]

In a four team division. It's not like you're in 16th. You're. You're in fourth out of four and you were nine back in the third. Third team.

[Brady]

How crazy.

[John Holmberg]

They're in huge trouble. And again, I go back to my program of shaming Bill Bid or Michael Bidwell. I always call him Bill because of the exact same thing. Michael Bidwell. Shame him every time you see him. The media needs to attack him. TV needs to attack him. And take this ego and crush it.

[Brady]

I did need to ask you this while it's on my mind. Sorry to interrupt you. No, but they had an interview with the coach.

[John Holmberg]

Coach.

[Brady]

The night of his sons game. I don't know if it was Monday or Sunday or what. Two nights ago. You see him in the Rah Rah room.

[John Holmberg]

Bidwell.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

No, I did not. I did not see him. No. They were playing the Brooklyn Nets. Not a lot of people were at that game. That was a quiet night.

But.

Yeah, but still you'd think that Billy would be down there, you know, hopping off. I don't care. He's the same guy. I don't see a difference. And I refuse to acknowledge that there was one. He was bad and this one's worse. I should give Michael more credit together.

[Dale]

At any one point and say maybe it's time to.

[John Holmberg]

No, I mean there's. There's a. My old. My. My plan. Five years without a playoff appearance.

[Brady]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

And you have to get. I'm telling you, that is a great. You have to be relegated out.

[Brady]

Right?

[John Holmberg]

You can buy another franchise, but you're relegated out. Or you can sit and wait to see if this new owner drops in five, then you bid back in, but you're out. Out after five years as an owner of failure.

[Brady]

Here's the thing.

[John Holmberg]

Here's the thing.

[Brady]

I understand John is at the end of the day, I don't care what you do. Whether you're a radio show, whether you're pro sports franchise, whether you sell cookies or don't you want to be the best. Sure, you have a drive. You're the owner of something.

[John Holmberg]

You'd hope so why?

[Brady]

If you don't want to do that and invest the money and all the things necessary to do that, why not.

[John Holmberg]

Just sell, Just get rid of it.

[Brady]

And take the billion dollars and spread amongst your siblings.

[John Holmberg]

Because you're speaking from a competitive mindset that just can't accept failing. You know, except for your body which is completely like. But still it's. It's that moment. And even look at you even with this failure as a body. And I mean it is a massive, massive failure. Like Nash would call it World Trade Center 7. This thing has been demolished and it needs to be.

[Brady]

Look at my inj.

[John Holmberg]

But both of us, through all of our stupidity still get up and push.

[Brady]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

Because we won't let the failures of our bodies stop us from like so many people quit.

[Brady]

Right.

[John Holmberg]

You know, and. And that's the thing you're seeing with it. Like the dude just doesn't have it. Whether he's trying or not, he's doing it wrong. And somebody This. I don't know why the city won't attack him more and make him make it so he doesn't want to leave his house to go.

[Brady]

A little bit of the reason that there's a guy named Mark Dalton over there.

[Dale]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Brady]

Who's kind of the dictator of. Of sports money interviews. Yes.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

He won't do it.

See what that team is worth even.

Where they're at 5.5 billion, and that's low for football.

[Brady]

I know, but 5.5 billion, that's a billion deed sibling.

[John Holmberg]

I was Michael Guy.

I know. Just get rid of it. And guess what?

I'm out.

[Brady]

And guess what? If it goes on the market, it's seven or eight. It's going to sell for more. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

It's crazy. And that's the problem. Go to stake 44. When you say see him, boo. You're terrible. Something. Make it so this guy feels it.

[Brady]

Right.

[John Holmberg]

And maybe he'll sell or maybe it'll wake him up, but he. It's just atrocious. And I'm not a Cardinals fan. I don't care if they do well, but I'm a fan of the city.

[Brady]

Yes. And when. And when the local teams do good, it's better, more fun to be here.

[John Holmberg]

And it's more fun for the people to experience that and not to be the laughing stock of the sports world.

[Brady]

But be ranked in the bottom three of any category.

[John Holmberg]

You know what I hate most is when people like that don't know me, meet me, and they're from somewhere else, and we'll talk and they'll say something like, well, you guys are bl. Oh, no, no, no. Don't lump me in that thing. It's almost like saying you were friends with Epstein. Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm not. Like, when you mention the Cardinals and try to tie me to it, it's kind of, you know, I'd rather be friends with Epstein. That guy actually got stuff done.

[Brady]

I got on a plane or something.

[John Holmberg]

That dude got away with a lot. He was a champion in his world. And he was like, dale said what he was striving to do, he did it.

[Dale]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And it wasn't good. But the guy, you know, hey, A, B, and C, he got his trophies.

[Dale]

Woke up every day.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Doesn't.

[Brady]

But. And I thought you go through two, three, four interviews. I always said, don't hire the first guy interview. Maybe interview him again, but find out what other people think of your organization and how you do things.

[John Holmberg]

Look no further than the Athletic because they Just ranked you the worst. And that would be enough fire for me to go. We got to get out of this.

[Brady]

The way you're doing things is not working.

[Dale]

Getting out of it. When you're saying by getting out of it is just sell it.

[John Holmberg]

Well, no, by getting out of it. Whatever it takes to go.

[Dale]

Because what is the fix? So right now you're the owner?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Adam Ferrara]

Who.

[Dale]

Who you hiring?

[Brady]

Well, I, I would have made a hire a lot.

[John Holmberg]

Long time ago.

[Brady]

A long time ago.

[Dale]

Because. But we're talking now.

[John Holmberg]

Still going. John Gruden. I'm still throwing 15 million at him.

[Brady]

His name's never come up.

[John Holmberg]

No, because everybody's afraid or. Brady said it a couple days. Maybe the NFL has actually pulled a nobody can hire him thing, but blackballed in a way Grubin might not want to.

[Dale]

Maybe for more on his side too.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, exactly. I don't think there's more to the.

[Dale]

Litigation that's going on too.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know why they can't appeal to something.

[Brady]

Right.

[John Holmberg]

Like something and nobody wants to be.

[Brady]

Because at the end of the day, even Jonathan Gannon, as miserable as it was here, he's now the defensive coordinator.

[John Holmberg]

In Green Bay and he'll be fine.

[Brady]

Yeah, he, he, he fell forward into money. You know, he's trying to get money from the Cardinals pay for being defensive.

[John Holmberg]

It's almost like being a joke.

[Brady]

He got hired. Drew freaking Petzing got hired.

[John Holmberg]

I don't even know who that is.

[Brady]

That's offensive coordinator for the, for the Cardinals.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, that guy did get it. I forgot. That's. I forgot. Why do I know that name? Oh, yeah. I didn't even know that guy. He's like a wide receivers coach that isn't he.

[Brady]

I don't know what he's doing. But he got hired.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. People don't blame you. They'll wipe the stink off. Like, dude, it's this not your fault. It's Sam Darnold's made it. So everybody's like, don't blame Jets. It's the quarterbacks.

[Dale]

Do you think it was the right move to get rid of Gannon?

[John Holmberg]

Because it looks like the team quit on.

[Dale]

What are you going to. I mean, now you're in this situation.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Franchise quit on him.

[Brady]

Well, and that's the thing. That was the previous two years that I always looked at both ASU and the Cardinals. The fact that the kids guys played.

[John Holmberg]

Hard.

[Brady]

And this year the Cardinals gave up.

[John Holmberg]

Yep.

[Brady]

And stopped playing for him. And then when you hear, guys, here's my biggest Warning sign, red flag, whatever you want to call it. When players start saying, I want this coach back.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

He deserves another chance. The reason they're doing that is because it's really comfortable.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

To lose 10, 11, it's not his fault.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, exactly.

[Brady]

And if you're comfortable doing that. Told you that before. Great. Greatest thing about Jimmy Johnson, I haven't played. I've never played on a team that had 53 guys who number one goals to win. Yeah. There's always five, six, seven, eight guys who are out for themselves.

[John Holmberg]

Right.

[Brady]

And the thing about Jimmy Johnson was he made it so miserable when we lost. Even those eight guys said, I don't want any part of this.

[John Holmberg]

And when you won, it was miserable. You came back from Super Bowls and it's like you thought that was, well.

[Brady]

We gotta do it again.

[John Holmberg]

You gotta do it again.

[Brady]

That's the biggest thing. You win a Super bowl and you're like, okay, you enjoy it for a week and it's like, start over. Oh, yeah. We're already six weeks behind on off season training.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. That's brutal. Brutal. You asked me about Mike McCarthy. Safe Hire Bridge coach. Everybody's bad and down on him. The dude passionate for Pittsburgh. Tons of 12 win seasons. He was crying in the press conference. He's a, He's a dude who loves Pittsburgh. I didn't realize that when he was born, they swaddled him in black and gold and took him home, like. And he's crying through the whole thing. I'm like, all right. Was it the sexiest tire?

[Brady]

No.

[John Holmberg]

Is he going to have a stroke on the sidelines? He looks horrible. He's 62 and he's £7,000.

[Brady]

Okay. I did not see him. He's.

[John Holmberg]

He's Peter Griffin from Family Guy. He looks brutal. So what I'm more worried about with him is he's going to die. But he. Hopefully he can bridge the team to the next coach. He's a five year old plan. He's a very safe three year plan. Or three, depends on how they're playing.

[Brady]

Right.

[John Holmberg]

But you get the right coordinators. And I think this, the, I think the Steelers, the Steeler fans are mad because it's like, no. We hire a guy and we keep him for 30 years. That's all we know. No. And you just can't keep doing that.

[Brady]

Not anymore.

[John Holmberg]

They weren't impressed with any of the interviews.

[Brady]

Right.

[John Holmberg]

And a few of the guys have evidently bombed their interviews. The Shula kid and a couple other guys. Flores all kind of came in and Bombed their interview. So, like, you know what? This guy was dying to be the Steelers coach. He's had nothing but success where he's been. Green Bay was successful. Dallas with 12 win seasons until he.

[Brady]

Lost Dak Prescott two seasons. Dak Prescott played less than half the season. They were 12 games. When he did play, they won 12.

[John Holmberg]

They won 12 games and they just couldn't win playoff games. So we'll see if it's the same old, same old. This roster isn't great. It's good.

[Brady]

So we'll see.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know.

[Brady]

Aaron Rogers come back?

[John Holmberg]

Probably. I think in the current situation, yes, because you just need somebody to play quarterback if you're going to try to compete. If you're going to. If you're going to throw in the towel, then who cares?

[Brady]

But they. I don't think you hire McCarthy if you're throwing.

[John Holmberg]

No, exactly. I think there's a plan to say let's stay relevant.

[Brady]

How about a trade for Sanders?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I think Shador is a Pro Bowler. We could get him in there. I wouldn't mind a trade and I wouldn't mind seeing TJ Watt get pushed and.

[Brady]

Really?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I mean, you're not a.

[Brady]

You're not Hayward.

[John Holmberg]

He's 36.

[Dale]

What.

[John Holmberg]

What are you going to get?

[Brady]

Well, you're not going to get much, Right? You pay them a lot.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you pay them. They might make cuts before March, so we'll see. It's going to be an interesting run. But you know what? They're not on any list as number one, good or bad. So that has to change. That's a thing. Dale Hell's here. He's joins us for Sports Talk. What else do you have in your mind? Quickly, Sports world. Suns are fun. Injuries are a thing. Don't look at your watch. I'm in charge of that.

[Brady]

Quickly.

[John Holmberg]

Toledo's going to be coming in here in a minute.

That's right. I got. I'm on time.

[Brady]

All right.

[John Holmberg]

Never mind. You got nothing. That's basically what you just told me, Johnny. I already mentioned it. It's done. I made all the points you need to make.

[Brady]

The other night. I. I have not watched an entire sun.

[John Holmberg]

There's time. We gotta go. We gotta go. Dale Hell joins us on Thursday. Sons are good. It's 98.

[Dale]

Hey, it's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee.

[John Holmberg]

I have heard enough of this.

[Brady]

Homberg's morning sick sickness.

[John Holmberg]

The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail. It's just about time for that entertainment drill.

[Brady]

But sports is going, why can't the Cardinals be something? John?

[John Holmberg]

I don't know. It's never going to happen. I got all these emails from people are like, I'm finally done with it. And I'm happy. First year he took off from being a Cardinal fan and he's like, I enjoyed Sundays again. Doug Hopkins.

[Brady]

Watch other stuff.

[John Holmberg]

Hopkins texts me and he goes, jets and Cardinals, my two teams, because he's from New York.

[Dale]

Oh.

[John Holmberg]

And he goes, I got the one two punch with that.

[Brady]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, he's got that one going. So that's fun.

[Brady]

At least he's got the house.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You know what? You're good at something, Doug. Stick with it. Don't talk about football anymore, though. But yeah, the. Maybe it's Doug Hopkins, Jets, Cardinals, Suns fan.

[Brady]

Interesting trend.

[John Holmberg]

Maybe you're.

[Brady]

I will tell you this. I. I'm very happy Sunday football is over.

[John Holmberg]

Why?

[Brady]

Because I don't have to see your commercial anymore. And I saw you. And I saw you. I only saw you once or twice.

[John Holmberg]

And I'm like, no, it's not.

[Brady]

John thinks that he looks good.

[John Holmberg]

I do. Next to Doug. Come on.

[Brady]

Wow.

[Dale]

Miss America.

[Brady]

See, I'm. I don't know Doug. So I'm not gonna dis.

[John Holmberg]

Well, you were dissing him a little bit by saying that John thinks he looks good, and I appreciate that. Well, I say that later. I agree with you. It looked good. I look good in that spot. It was really well lit.

[Dale]

It's a good father son combo.

[John Holmberg]

They think Doug's my dad. Where? What? Some guy. I told him, he said, it's so great. 25 plus years of doing this job and you've been a staple in the Valley. And now your son's involved in the business. And he melted. The guy wasn't kidding. And he goes, what? And he goes, the guy in the commercials. Like, I assume that's your. And I start dying. Like, when Doug tells me this, I'm like, ah, we're one year apart.

[Brady]

So this guy thought that Doug was your dad.

[John Holmberg]

And I told Doug, I said, that's not. Cause I look good. No, that's not on me. You know, going in there with a foul in the youth.

[Brady]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

It's good of you, brother.

[Brady]

Poor Doug.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, poor Doug. Yeah, but he's doing fine.

[Brady]

Yeah, Doug's doing fine.

[John Holmberg]

He's a Jets fan. He's a Cardinals fan. That'll gray your hair a little faster.

[Brady]

He's got better seats than you at the Sun's game.

[John Holmberg]

He's got great seats. Yeah, well, actually, no, he doesn't. They're good seats, but they're behind the visitor's bench. And unless you're 74, you're not seeing anything. Really. Okay, yeah. Doug yells at me about that, but I'm like.

[Brady]

It's like I understood the Cowboys stadium. They have the field suites. Yeah, you're looking at butts.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's.

[Brady]

Well, no, not cheerleaders, but you're looking at players.

[John Holmberg]

But that's what you're looking at. I'm looking at the ch.

[Brady]

But I'm talking about, hey, 50 yard line.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Field suite.

[John Holmberg]

Can't see a thing.

[Brady]

Expensive. You. You see nothing.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

You're watching on tv.

[John Holmberg]

Football. I'm going to miss it. It's our first weekend without it in a long time. I'll do some spots with Doug here coming up, so you can get him in the summer for baseball. That'll be good. And maybe the Suns.

[Brady]

Doug.

[John Holmberg]

I'll talk to Doug.

[Brady]

Doug.

[John Holmberg]

Well, I was on his spots and the phone rang off the.

[Brady]

Ouch. Get him off.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, no. Yeah, get him off. I can't control my wife. Please. I'll buy a house. You can buy my house. Just get that. Get that sexy beast off those TVs.

[Brady]

Do you not ever speak up?

[John Holmberg]

You know what's crazy about this?

Let this one roll.

You know, this is the thing that Doug told me that and it's true, is that he said he was going to houses that called because they saw me on the commercials with him, and they're like, oh, wow, homework. I listen to him and they called up and Doug's like, it was amazing. Like a hundred percent of the people that referenced the commercial I was in. Yeah, Doug went in. Well, no, Doug went in. No, there's no qualifying. Doug buys your house as is. But one of the as is things was they had to replace the carpet because of all the squirting for my commercial. The ladies were so moist.

[Brady]

About you, John. It's the one thing you have been very honest about.

[John Holmberg]

Truth.

[Brady]

It's how ugly you are. And it's a redeeming quality.

[John Holmberg]

Yes.

[Brady]

And. But you are so. But when you act like this is.

[John Holmberg]

Hey, look, I'm not acting. I can't help it when the ladies. When it starts gushing and wrecking, you know, the fibers of your carpet and get a tile house, for God's sakes, if you're going to sit through that. But yeah, they tried to sell the house. Doug's. And, like, I gotta. I Gotta replace all the carpet in your house as is. And so what happened?

[Dale]

Policy.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my wife just turned into Vesuvius. Whenever your commercials with that kid came.

[Brady]

Up, does he keep track of how many teeth some of these people have when they, you know, they say I listen.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, a lot of that's true too. A lot of the ladies were knocking their teeth. He'll like me better.

[Brady]

You're right.

[John Holmberg]

That is true. Like, if I'm just gummy, the boy in that commercial will love me anyway. It's time for the entertainment drill. It's brought to you by friends at the Schwartz Laser Eye Center. Teamidoc.com that's where you go and you get your eyes fixed. That complimentary consultation just waiting on you right there. If you're thinking, I don't want to do glasses and I don't want to do contacts, another day in my life, Dr. J. Schwartz will take care of you and get you on the path to see and be youtifully like you did me. Teamidoc.com you can check it all out. They're the official doctors for the eyes of the Suns and the Diamondbacks. So let's him do yours as well. Schwartz Laser Eye Center. Brady. Entertain me.

[Dale]

Bruce Willis. His wife says he doesn't know he has dementia, which she's really happy about.

[John Holmberg]

Isn't that dementia?

That's the point, isn't it? Yeah.

[Dale]

Dale doesn't still very much present in his body.

[John Holmberg]

Dale's totally unaware of it and it makes him happier, I think. Yeah. Why would you keep telling somebody with dementia they got dementia?

[Dale]

She's being a wife. If.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I remember it anyway.

By the way, you've got dementia. I do.

[Brady]

Do.

[John Holmberg]

You don't remember anything from yesterday? No, but I thought today's still a good day.

[Brady]

Well, we went through that with my mom and my brother would correct her like, she's like, how did you find me? I'm out here on this cruise. Well, mom, you're not. Yeah, okay.

[John Holmberg]

How's the cruise going?

[Brady]

I said let her be on the cruise.

[John Holmberg]

Just start screwing around, put a little hat on. I'm the Admiral.

[Brady]

I flew a helicopter out here to see you.

[John Holmberg]

Mom. Yeah, just start playing. Cruise is take her on an excursion, mountain biking, whatever you want to do.

[Dale]

I guess two more people have dropped out of Kid Rock's Rock the Country Festival because of the comments he's made in the past. Just him. Oh.

[John Holmberg]

If you. If you signed up for Kid Rocks Festival in the first place, you should have known you're doing it for attention. If you're pulling out.

[Brady]

Nobody. Who pulled out and who pulled out?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dale]

Morgan Wade and. And Carter Faith Ludicrous Drop dropped out.

[John Holmberg]

Ludacris was part of the Kid Rock show.

[Dale]

The original booking a mix up. But I think Ludacris will be here for the waste management for the open.

[John Holmberg]

Either way, if you agreed to do the Kid Rock show in the beginning and then later said, oh, clutch my pearls, I can't believe what he sent you. You were doing it to get attention.

Like Charlie Sheen's girlfriend.

Exactly what I was getting into. The Matt Lauer lady.

[Dale]

Come on.

[John Holmberg]

He raped me. And then after the fifth time we had sex, I said, I've got to stop this.

[Dale]

This Bruce Springsteen dropped a song called Streets of Minneapolis.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, Jesus. I. I got a couple of things in there.

[Dale]

He refers to the ice agents as federal thugs. King Trump's private army. He accuses Steve Miller and Christy Gnome of telling dirty lies.

[John Holmberg]

Steve Miller.

About the deaths of Stephen.

[Dale]

Stephen Miller.

[Brady]

What?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Not that. The joker. Yeah.

[Dale]

And Tom Murillo will headline a concert on solidarity and resistance to defend Minnesota.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's what we need. More crowds in Minnesota. I think that's a good idea.

[Dale]

Happening at the First Avenue venue in Minneapolis.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, great idea.

[Brady]

Are they going to pray to couple of the the pedos up there too and say this, who were. Who were supporting.

[John Holmberg]

Oh my God, that was a wild turn. The pedophiles are going up too. Dale showing his colors. I just don't think we should. I just don't think we should have big crowds in Minnesota for a couple of weeks. Yeah, just calm down a little bit. Calm it down. No reason to escalate.

[Dale]

Ice Tea changed the Cop Killer lyrics.

[John Holmberg]

To Ice Killer and make some money off of it.

[Dale]

Said it worked at Los Angeles. But he said, you know, basically if something goes down, he says, I think we're heading in some, oh, ugly terrain.

[John Holmberg]

Sure.

[Dale]

Black people really ain't got nothing to do with it. It's bad. I think the moment somebody shoots an ice agent, it's going to be bad.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it's going to be. That's why I say de escalate.

[Dale]

He goes, I just. That's how I protest it.

[John Holmberg]

Just knock it off. Just please stop. That's enough. Cooler heads will prevail later. We'll find out who was right and wrong in the end. Hopefully the whole point of the justice thing will happen. If it doesn't, whatever. But calm down.

[Dale]

Dale's got a hard hitting story opportunity for you.

[Brady]

I'm just curious so you print all.

[John Holmberg]

These out when, like, Dale, do your story. Pick them out. Or just have the stack.

[Brady]

Just have the stab. Because.

[Dale]

Hand picked.

[Brady]

Because he looks at him like, oh, this. First time I've seen this, probably. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

It's your. It's your job to Siphon.

[Brady]

All right. January 30th, new film, Milan, your theaters and a limited edition popcorn bucket available.

[John Holmberg]

Jesus Christ.

[Brady]

She's beautiful.

[John Holmberg]

She is. But I hate the words unlimited food. What's wrong with limited. Limited edition. Yeah. And you get never ending popcorn.

[Dale]

You get the large bucket with Milania forever.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Because that's what you want to just reach into her bucket. Pull up. I wouldn't mind that.

I'm not seeing a problem.

I wouldn't mind that. Yeah.

[Brady]

I don't know what the problem is there, but it'll be 12.99 at theaters that are showing the film. The novelty items are already shown up on ebay.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

John. So you can go there and get one.

[John Holmberg]

Get one of your big popcorn buckets.

[Dale]

Starts tomorrow.

[John Holmberg]

Here's the thing. I think that's wrong with the world. Okay. And it starts with.

[Brady]

Is this from your Jewish perspective?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's from all of them. I'm putting it as that. Australia, all of it, Everything.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

The day we lost focus is the day that men stopped wanting to have sex with women because of their political views. If you don't think Melania Trump would.

[Brady]

Be a good role because she's.

[John Holmberg]

Because she's. Yeah. And you're like, I would never have sex with somebody who thinks that way. You didn't live the proper life.

[Brady]

Johnny, because that might be the smartest thing you've ever.

[John Holmberg]

If there was a hot girl working at Tony Roma's when I was there, and she's like, I am Muslim and I hate it here and I hate capitalism. Me, too.

[Adam Ferrara]

But I'd like to bone you.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but she wants to have sex. I would have pretended to be everything. She liked to do it. I'd have simped my way right through it. Doesn't mean we're getting married. Just means I banged the socialist and I can tell my friends about it later. You nailed her. None of my friends would have said, but her political views, they'd have all given me a high high five. Nowadays, hot girls differ from you and you hate them. It doesn't make sense.

[Brady]

Or is it the hot girls don't like you because you're political?

[John Holmberg]

Well, that's always something. They're always looking for a reason not to have sex with you. We're always. Look, we used to always be looking for a reason to have sex with them, Right?

[Dale]

If you found out with a girl that loves country music, if Dua Lipa.

[John Holmberg]

Came to me, goes, I'll have sex with guys with one foot. The next noise you'd hear is a Dremel. It wouldn't even be like, okay, I'll be right back. You just hear.

[Brady]

Cauterize it.

[John Holmberg]

Let's go. Yeah, yeah. Put some fire and tar on this. I gotta go talk to Dua.

[Dale]

I was choking. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I like people with two feet. Okay, I'll be right back. Tape, Just masking tape. Right back on. Yeah, yeah. I'd Frankenstein a foot back on there. Come back to her. You'll do anything for me.

[Brady]

Yup.

[John Holmberg]

What about her political views? I don't care. You seen the snooch on that thing? She might talk me into liberal stuff. She might talk me into Republican stuff. I'm getting what I need to. That is where we lost our. Our youth.

[Dale]

So after this protest, we're getting it on.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I remember getting mad at a guy once because a hot girl. Girl said something and he was going to boner. And he goes, I couldn't have sex with her. She was too dumb. Isn't that the whole point? That makes it easier, doesn't it? But I did eventually end up talking to that girl. And he was right.

[Brady]

She was too.

[John Holmberg]

Well after.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Chuck was too dumb to have sex with was an actual real thing.

[Brady]

Really?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Yeah. Not like I was rolling in the opportunity.

[Brady]

I was gonna say, you.

[John Holmberg]

You can't be spending four or five minutes with. With her. You're like, he's right. This is maybe the dumbest person I've ever sat in a room with. Like, yeah, yeah. Like, mentally, people were like, no, this one's not very bright. Wow. Yeah. So there you go, Larry. It's where we lost it. Train your kids better. That's what I say. I should have been a dad. I'd have raised a good one. I raised a good one. That would have been phoning one of them socialists and giggling with me. High five, Daddy. Did you nail that socialist? I did. Good stuff. Did you get her out of her turban? Anyway, Larry's coming up next. You guys have yourselves a fantastic Thursday. We'll see you tomorrow in the morning. Sickness. Hollow.

[Dale]

It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee.

[John Holmberg]

I have heard enough of this.