01-29-26 - Invitation To Spring Training Email Starts John's Day - New Info On Matt Lauer And Bill Cosby Has Finally Admitted To His Wrongs - Zipps Situation Still Reminds John Of His Tony Romas Days w/All The Chris Valenzuelas

Summary

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Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona

Episode: 01-29-26 (January 29, 2026)
Hosts: John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo

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Overview

This episode of Holmberg’s Morning Sickness finds John Holmberg in lively form, spinning tales and dissecting current events with his co-hosts. The show is a blend of Arizona nostalgia, new controversies in baseball and media, and Holmberg’s signature irreverent humor. Major themes include personal reflections on audience feedback and identity, commentary on unfolding scandals involving Matt Lauer and Bill Cosby, and an extended, hilarious deep-dive into John’s days managing restaurants—a story that turns unexpectedly confessional as he recounts unwitting involvement in “human trafficking” of restaurant workers.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. A Spring Training VIP Invitation Kicks Off John's Morning

Timestamps: 01:09–05:24

• John reads an email from Roy, a Scottsdale Charros member, inviting him and three guests to the exclusive Charles Lounge at Scottsdale Stadium for Cubs Opening Day.
  • John is comically delighted at being called "part of the fabric of this market."
  • "You got yourself a deal, buddy. Clear your schedule. This guy is the type of person I want to hang out with. Someone who likes me a lot, someone who calls me the fabric of something." (John Holmberg, 02:34)
• The team jokes about the luxury of the Charles Lounge and discusses the timing of spring training and the potential for the World Baseball Classic.

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2. Handling Audience Criticism and Taking Sides on Controversies

Timestamps: 05:24–09:03

• John reads critical listener emails accusing him of not condemning recent violence and being on the “wrong side.”
  • "For some reason, everything in the world to me right now is like, what you hear about your first day in prison. You got to pick a side or else. I'm not doing that." (John, 07:26)
  • Reflects on how media and society force people to choose sides prematurely, referencing the Minnesota shooting, Rodney King, and O.J. Simpson cases.
  • "I'm just trying to be smarter." (John, 07:44)

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3. Scandal Updates: Matt Lauer and Bill Cosby

Timestamps: 09:03–13:52

• Matt Lauer’s Allegations Get More Detailed
  • John recaps the new details from Matt Lauer’s accuser, describing the disturbing account in Sochi and questioning the complexities of power dynamics and repeated interactions post-assault.
  • "You went back four times. So the story has a different nuance to it now." (John, 11:57)
  • The team acknowledges the difficulties in understanding the truth: "You don't know the whole story unless you were part of it." (John, 12:52)
• Bill Cosby’s Admissions
  • John highlights Cosby admitting, under deposition, to obtaining Quaaludes from a gynecologist for sex, naming names and exposing decades-old criminality.
  • "Bill actually finally admitted it. Like, really admitted it... and he named names. I think that guy's probably dead now. Maybe not." (John, 13:11)

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4. Polarization and Humor: Can We Laugh Across Political Lines?

Timestamps: 13:52–16:51

• Discussion about how listeners’ perceptions of political alignment affect their enjoyment of the show.
• "Is the dumb stuff still funny if I'm not politically aligned with you?" (John, 15:20)
• Light banter about whether people can laugh at jokes if the comedian is from “the other side.”
• Attempts at normalization: "I'm trying to be normal. I'm just trying to normalize my own brain so I don't jump." (John, 16:15)

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5. The Zipps Restaurant Situation and John’s Restaurant Past: Human Trafficking Confessions

Timestamps: 17:01–39:49

• Recent News on Zipps Employees Using Fake Documents
  • John details reports that over 70 employees at Zipps used the same fake documents—reminding him of his Tony Roma’s days.
  • "I am officially a human trafficker. I have been a human trafficker." (John, 17:20)
• Restaurant Staffing “The Chris Valenzuelas” Phenomenon
  • Laugh-out-loud storytelling as John recalls kitchens staffed almost entirely by various “Chris Valenzuelas” with identical paperwork rotating among restaurants (Tony Roma’s, Bennigan’s, Fridays, Applebee’s).
  • Insight into how kitchens efficiently maintained operations with an underground pipeline of workers trained at “apartment training facilities.”
  • "We were running thirty Valenzuelas easy between the five restaurants." (John, 22:46)
  • None of the legitimate staff ever understood how paychecks were divvied up—John admits to being blissfully unaware of the legal ramifications at the time.
  • "If you enjoyed your ribs there... you have a lot of us to thank for that." (John, 30:17)
• Hilariously Candid Admission:
  • “I, John Holmberg, proud human trafficker, without knowing it. My apologies. We didn’t harm any families though. We weren’t doing anything terrible. But the Chris Valenzuelas, that was my—I dabbled in it. I dabbled in it.” (John, 25:41 & 26:23)
  • The ethos: “If you traffic them, keep them happy.” (John, 28:36)

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6. Cultural Observations: Restaurant Life & Kitchen Soundtracks

Timestamps: 34:08–39:49

• Amusing riff on authenticity in restaurant kitchens—John prefers certain "background music" (Mexican accordion music in Tex-Mex/BBQ restaurants, Japanese for sushi).
  • "I don’t like where Mexicans dress up like ninjas and do sushi. That just makes me feel like that’s just weird." (John, 34:52)
• Running joke about every kitchen requiring the classic sound of “corazon” in the music, which motivates the cooks.
  • "When you hear this coming out of the kitchen, never complain. They work faster the louder it is..." (John, 35:01)

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7. Wrapping Up: Nostalgia With A Criminal Twist

Timestamps: 39:49–41:39

• Reflections on the Unintended Consequences of Running a Restaurant "the Wrong Way"
  • The “Valenzuelas” outperformed any other staff, kept customers happier, and turnover extremely low, even as most of it was wildly illegal.
  • "We made more smiling whites with my human trafficking than ever in the history of man." (John, 38:52)
• Jokes about replacing the lost staff at Zipps with less reliable, higher-turnover “deadbeat community college kids.”
  • “Your product's gonna suffer for a while.” (John, 39:49)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On being described as the “fabric of the market”:
  • “Most people call me the fabric of the downfall of society. I've gotten a few of those, but that— not him. This is fantabulous.” (John, 02:45)
• On scandals and taking sides:
  • “Trials have the beginning, middle and end, not just what you think you heard and stuff.” (John, 08:25)
• On restaurant staffing with “The Chris Valenzuelas”:
  • “Every kitchen was everywhere you ate from, in my experience from 1987 to 1994, it was the same cooks. All of them were the Chris Valenzuelas.” (John, 19:13)
• On authenticity in kitchens:
  • “I like my chefs to have some authenticity.” (John, 34:55)
• On the surprising satisfaction:
  • “Zero deaths, zero bodies hurt. Just full bellies and smiling whites.” (John, 38:52)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Spring Training Invitation: 01:09–05:24
• Audience Feedback/Societal Sides: 05:24–09:03
• Matt Lauer/Bill Cosby Discussion: 09:03–13:52
• Comedy/Politics Intersection: 13:52–16:51
• Zipps/Restaurant Human Trafficking: 17:01–39:49
• Music & Kitchen Culture: 34:08–39:49

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Tone and Style

True to Holmberg’s established on-air persona, the conversation is irreverent, self-deprecating, and always veers toward the unexpected. The hosts freely mix outrageous stories from their youth, biting takes on current controversies, and pointed social commentary, all wrapped in comedic banter and tongue-in-cheek asides. Listeners get both hearty laughs and moments of genuine insight—often at the exact same time.

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In a nutshell:
Holmberg’s Morning Sickness brings you Arizona sports, scandal updates, and roaring tales of restaurant lawlessness with a perfect blend of comedy, self-awareness, and nostalgia.

Transcript

[Commercial Announcer]

You're listening to the HMS podcast brought to you by MMP guns.com your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories.

[John Holmberg]

It's John Holberg here and it's time to talk about TVs Doug Hopkins of My Home Group and Doug hopkins.com 2026 Brand New Year. That usually means every one of us says something like this is the year I blank and then we insert some strange goal. Let me tell you this, most of the time you're not going to do it. This year I'm going to call TV's Doug Hopkins. He will buy your home as is. You can start eyeballing houses that are already upgraded. So fresh starts for 2026 are waiting for you at your keyboard. Start the now online doughhopkins.com or sing.

[Hooters Advertiser]

The playoffs are here and Hooters just upgraded your game plan. Our beer of the month went from 14 ounces to a massive 25 ounces starting at just $4. That's a bigger beer for every kickoff drive and touchdown. And while you're here, load up on wings, burgers and all your favorites. Come in for the playoffs. Stay for the food, the cold beer and non stop football. Plus every Hooters is giving away an 85 inch smart TV for the big game. Must present to win. Hooters. Come for the football, stay for everything else.

[John Holmberg]

Holmberg's morning sickness. The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail. Good morning everybody. Hello there. Welcome to Thursday. It's 5:45. My name's John. There's Brady, there's Brett, there's Toledo vets is the morning sickness and we're off and running. Closing up the week a little bit. Thursday and Friday and we're out of here. And it's another perfect day here in paradise. Just be happy you're here. What a guy. Did everyone else start their day off with an email like this? My God, this is fantastic. Says, hey John, my name's Roy. I'm a member of the Scottsdale Charros. I would like to invite you and three guests.

[Commercial Announcer]

One, two, three.

[John Holmberg]

There's four of us in here right now. To the Charles Lounge at Scottsdale Stadium for the opening day of spring training. Cubs and Giants. It's a private all inclusive VIP space inside the stadium. Great sight lines, food, drinks, room full of people love the game and community as much as John does. There really isn't a better ticket in spring training. My personal seasonal table. I'd love for John to be a guest and experience the phenomenal day at the park because I know he's a big Cubs fan. Well, yeah, that's taking a couple of shots. Like, yeah, no, I'm huge. And entertaining me every morning for the past 16 years. Here's the part that most people don't start their day with. John is a part of the fabric of this market, and I'd be honored to host him. Well, I can't argue with this guy at all about anything he says. He seems to be on point, no strings attached, which I always love. And he wants to utilize the tickets. I can easily send them over in the MLB app, blah, blah, blah. If his schedule allows, I'd lock this in and take a memorable opening day. For a lifelong Cubs fan, opening day is a few short weeks away, so please let me know. I'm letting you know right now, Roy. You got yourself a deal, buddy. Clear your schedule. This guy is the type of person I want to hang out with. Someone who likes me a lot, someone who calls me the fabric of something. And it usually. That usually ends with, he's the fabric of the downfall of society. I've gotten a few of those, but that not him. This is fantabulous. Thanks, Roy. That's an awesome way to kick off the day. That's great. It's better than how I ended yesterday.

[Doug Hopkins]

Yeah, that Charo setup is sweet.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I've been down there once before. I've never, like, stayed the whole time, but I've been down in there. It's pretty neat. The Charlounge is awesome. Thank you, Roy.

[Commercial Announcer]

It's a great stadium. I never been in a Charlotte lounge, though.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, Scottsdale's a good one. Spring training, right around the course. Scottsdale's a blast. And then. Well, the hidden gem to me is surprise. It's just too far away.

[Doug Hopkins]

Yeah, that.

[John Holmberg]

That is a. That's a beautiful, great park to watch spring training in. I even like Tempe. That's a good spot. If you like baseballer. Yeah, it's not good for anything but baseball, but if you got a good game. And the sight lines in there are awesome.

[Doug Hopkins]

What is opening day coming up?

[John Holmberg]

Well, we got two weeks till pitchers and catches. Like the end of February.

[Doug Hopkins]

It looks like three.

[Commercial Announcer]

February, if it's the right game. Cubs, Giants, 22nd, which is a Sunday.

[John Holmberg]

These are starting early. Do we have the Baseball Classic this year?

[Commercial Announcer]

I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

That's an early start to spring.

[Doug Hopkins]

I saw. I think the Baseball Classic is maybe a day or two.

[John Holmberg]

Are they doing that, though?

[Doug Hopkins]

Well, it was on the Marquee.

[John Holmberg]

Going up World Baseball Classic. That thing's awesome too. All right, well, anyway, thanks, man. We'll hit it.

[Doug Hopkins]

Maybe there's just one. Would they do one game like a warm up, one team playing the team usa?

[John Holmberg]

No, I have no idea. I don't know how. I didn't know if it's going to happen or I don't know. I don't know the schedule on that. I just know when it happens. It's pretty great. But yeah, who knows? That's a full tournament. That's a two week tournament.

[Commercial Announcer]

So it looks like it's right here. The 22nd.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Sweet. That's just the start of spring training this year.

[Commercial Announcer]

Pictures and catches are February 11th. They report.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. All right, well, I'm in. Thanks, man. That's cool. And anybody else that wants to call me. The fabric of the market. That's great. That's a lot better than the big nose liberal cuck Howard Stern.

[Commercial Announcer]

It's up there.

[John Holmberg]

I mean, if you're going to get called anything in an email, that big nose Jew, liberal cuck Howard Stern want to be versus fabric of the market. I mean, there's an easy choice for me here. Which would you choose if you were you? Thank you. And then of course my brain automatically just. It's a trap. He thinks you're a big nose, liberal cuck Jew. I don't know. Thank you, man. Then I got the one yesterday at the end that says, this is how I usually get emails, says, I understand you're immediately can not condemning the murders as an act of terrorism. Like, oh boy, here we go. And I don't know when I said that. He says, I can tolerate differences of opinion, but I'm surprised. I don't want these ideas coming from my favorite radio show ever. You're going to be on the wrong side of cold blooded murder and masked so called agents who don't have body cams and insignias. I'm against murder. When have I ever sent him for murder? Well, that's probably. There's been occasions they're sorry, this guy's not wrong. But there have been times where I'm like, it should just murder him. That's probably the situation. But yeah, I mean, it's all just. It's usually in the heat of the moment. I don't really mean it. But yeah, yeah, no, I think it.

[Doug Hopkins]

Happens most of the time.

[John Holmberg]

That's hard for me to. Hard for me to say I haven't, so I won't anyway. And they're talking and then he Talks about the. The pretty shooting up there in Minnesota and all I said. And he says, john, it's not about. Oh, they. This is when he says that somebody. Somebody must be pulling your strings. This is not about advertising. It's not about your radio stations, about your integrity as a US Citizen. And you witnessed, like all of us, a man gunned down with his camera in hand, trying to help a woman. Shame on you for being on the wrong side of this. I don't know that I'm on the wrong side of it. I haven't chosen a side yet. I know it was horrible, but I don't know what happened. And that's what I keep telling people that email. This kind of stuff. That's my day ended yesterday. I'm like, I don't. I'm not taking a side until I'm sure. And. And for some reason, everything in the world to me right now is like, what you hear about your first day in prison. You got to pick a side or else. I'm not doing that.

[Doug Hopkins]

Well, sometimes you do, and sometimes you don't. I mean. I mean, everyone ends up picking a side in jail.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, in life, yeah. Yeah.

[Doug Hopkins]

No, like certain situations, but you don't.

[John Holmberg]

Have to do it the first day.

[Doug Hopkins]

I'm like, oh, this person.

[John Holmberg]

But you don't have to do it the first day. And usually you're influenced by whichever friend you have that's the most passionate because you don't want them to get pissed off. I don't have a side yet. I think it's terrible what happened. I also don't know what happened. I know the end of it. I know how it ended. I don't know what led up to it. I don't know any of it. So, yeah, I think I'm just trying to be smarter.

[Doug Hopkins]

I think it goes all the way back to, you know, remember when the. The Rodney King thing came out?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. But again, I mean, that's kind of.

[Doug Hopkins]

When it started on the media side a little bit.

[John Holmberg]

But, I mean, O.J. and all, we've had those moments where the, you know, society's divided and the video has changed things. But, yep, for the most part, yeah. You sit back and you're like, I don't know what happened. I wasn't. I wasn't privy to all of the information. I've seen something terrible. I recognize that. And that could go a horrible way. I'm not on the wrong side of anything. I'm not on a side yet. I just know for sure. I don't want to Be one of these lunatics that's angry like crazy and I am on the wrong side and I've pissed friends off and I've gone, I don't want to do that. I feel like my way is a more normal way than just going up. I've seen all I need to see. That's not what trials are about. Trials have the beginning, middle and end, not just what you think you heard and stuff. Like, for instance, the Matt Lauer thing, that's out right now. Have you seen that?

[Doug Hopkins]

No.

[John Holmberg]

One of his accusers. Well, no, no. She finally laid out all the details. Remember Matt Lauer from the Today show evidently supposedly raped a girl in the Sochi Olympics. One of his workers who was basically, she was a cleanup lady. She was there to get information and then clean it up for the staff and, like, help them get through a day going, oh, Matt's gonna do it. Like, she was the personal assistant almost. And so she was in Sochi, Russia, with him for the Olympics. Went up to his room, she gives, like, all the details, and they had some vodka, and she's like, this is Matt LAUER. He's like, $25 million a year, guys. The highest paid employee at NBC. Everything he says is, you know, solid gold. And so he's talking with her and stuff, and the next thing you know, they're messing around, and he forces her to go back door. She's like, I really didn't want to, but they know I felt totally off. And everything was, what's happening? I couldn't force him off me. I couldn't. I couldn't fight him. I didn't know what to do. I'm in Russia. She goes, do I call the police in Russia? She goes, I didn't know what to do. She goes, there was blood everywhere. Oh, yeah. And she goes, and I just didn't know how to handle it. And she said, and if it was anybody else had done it to me, I'd have called the kgb. She goes, but it was this dude was everything to the industry. So she freaked out. And then she called him and said, we need to talk and whatever. And he goes, when we get back to New York, we'll talk. So he invites her over to the. She gave all the details, invites her, nobody knew this part. Invites her over to the apartment afterwards and says, sorry, I missed your emails and stuff. She goes, I just really want to talk to you. And I'm feeling terrible for her because I've read all the stories about, oh, he did this, he did that. And all these things. She goes to his apartment. He hands her a vodka and kind of winks at her like, remember that night he put towels on the bed? Like, huh? Remember? Because you bleed. He didn't say that, but that's why he put a bunch of towels down. She goes. It was like he was trying to recreate that night. And she goes. And he didn't realize that I had. I couldn't walk, I couldn't sit. Like, he did some damage, man. So I had heard that part. Her news story comes out. She goes back to his apartment. She goes, and then, you know, we're having vodka. I told him I didn't really want vodka. He wasn't drinking it. And he was looking at me like, you know, he was administering medicine. She was next thinking, you know, we're having sex again. And I'm like, oh, my gosh. Wait a minute. Seems like, okay, that's not.

[Doug Hopkins]

Can't stop that.

[John Holmberg]

And then she said, and then it happened four more times.

[Doug Hopkins]

Oh, geez.

[John Holmberg]

And I'm like, well, you had me after the first half of the story, and then you went back for four more sexual encounters. And it's a. Yeah.

[Doug Hopkins]

You think it's a pretty easy ghost.

[John Holmberg]

I kind of.

[Doug Hopkins]

You had that. Right. Like the. After the first one. Well, if you're bleeding, I'm never seeing, you know, unless it's. Sure. At work, I have to be face to face, but I have got nothing to do with that person.

[John Holmberg]

Right. But also, if it's like he raped you and stuff.

[Doug Hopkins]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And you went back and he, you.

[Commercial Announcer]

Know, went back four times.

[John Holmberg]

You went back four times. So the story has a different nuance to it now. It's like four more times.

[Doug Hopkins]

So the job. Keeping the job.

[John Holmberg]

The job is more important.

[Doug Hopkins]

Yeah. Than everything else.

[John Holmberg]

And she's going to blame the power structure, but it's like you kind of enforced the power structure by not saying anything. So I didn't know the whole story. I still think Matt Lauer's probably a jerk because he had that button at his desk that locked people in his office. He was not great. But both things can be true. Matt Lauer probably did some terrible stuff and used his power poorly. And you went back four times. That's crazy. So, yeah. You don't know the whole story unless you were part of it. And she's telling her side of it. And it's still, you know, you can't. Victim shame. You're not supposed to, but if you go back a bunch, you're starting to put yourself in a situation where you're like, are you trying to get raped so you can recreate the blood stains and then say, look what he did. Or is it going.

[Doug Hopkins]

Stop?

[John Holmberg]

Is it going pretty well the next three times? You're like, well, that was just decent sex. I can't. Can't complain about that one. It sounds terrible, but it's true. Yeah. So I don't know the full stories of what went on, so you can yell at me if you want to.

[Doug Hopkins]

There's new stuff on Bill Cosby as well.

[John Holmberg]

I saw that.

[Doug Hopkins]

Not as. Not going as well.

[John Holmberg]

No. Bill actually finally admitted it. Like, really admitted it. He goes, yeah, I used to get quaaludes from a gynecologist, and he played.

[Doug Hopkins]

Poker with him that his medical license was yanked.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that dude was a crooked gynecologist, and he ripped his Met. And Bill had to say under deposition, you see, I used to get it from a friend at a poker game. Like, what? And he named names. I think that guy's probably dead now. Maybe not, but. So he gave the doctor up basically saying that dude was writing him scripts for Quaaludes with the intention of having sex with ladies.

[Doug Hopkins]

Jesus.

[John Holmberg]

What's. What's he. Seven different prescriptions.

[Doug Hopkins]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

So he was going through bottles of quaaludes. You see, it's time for another poker game at the Cosby house. It doesn't matter if you win or lose, because I always come out with some pills. There's something. Something. Check out homework's morning sickness [e-mail] it's John Holmerg here from the Morning Sickness, and it's time to talk about TVs Doug Hopkins of My Home Group and Doug Hopkins dot com. Have you ever thought to yourself, I'm gonna sell my house? Of course you have. And one reason or another, you just didn't do it. Probably because it's a hassle when you try to make a real estate deal. What if I could say, you can sell that house the day after you say the words, I want to sell my house. Doug's been at this for over 20 years. Five years. And that's why he's still on top of the Hill. TVs Doug Hopkins can handle everything. Won't move the price, or you get $5,000. What do you do? Start the process right now@dough hopkins.com or grab the phone and sing Hopkins 1800 sale now. Hol's Morning Sickness. Your bill is. Yeah, so again, you don't know the whole story. You just make up your Mind based on little bits of it. But I want you to keep thinking we're a fun show. I got another guy that said, I noticed that you. Two emails yesterday. It was hilarious. I noticed that you lean pretty right on this whole thing. And I'm like, all right, maybe. And then another one's like, you know, the left things. Like, you're so liberal about. Well, you know, if they pepper spray a hippie inside, I'm like, I'm liberal, but I laugh at it. I thought that was a funny. Yeah, but you're against. When ice is. I'm like, no, I'm not. And then I get the back and forth and what I just. I always email back. I'm like, are the dumb fart jokes or impressions and silliness that go on here not funny if I'm not politically aligned with you? Like, is the dumb stuff still.

[Doug Hopkins]

Yeah, it probably goes away.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I think it does. I kind of think it does. I don't think people will laugh at someone. Like, if Robert De Niro told a great joke. I think about, like, if there was a funny. Like, a legitimately funny moment on the View. I don't think that I think the right would laugh at him now. Nope. I just. Even if it was just like, look.

[Doug Hopkins]

At this guy trying to be like.

[John Holmberg]

Letterman in the Velcro suit. Funny. If Whoopi Goldberg put on a Velcro suit, jumped on a trampoline, and bounced into a wall and stuck. I'm not sure that'd be funny. It would be hilarious, but. But the jokes would start being about, you know, I don't know. They'd make it political.

[Doug Hopkins]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I don't think we can do that anymore. I don't think we can get away. So.

[Doug Hopkins]

Need to put the suit on.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Yeah. Use your head. Yeah. They would do that. They would. Yeah. That is. I see that would. And if she could do that, even funnier. But yeah, So I, you know, I'm trying to be. I'm trying to be normal. I'm just trying to normalize my own brain so I don't jump.

[Doug Hopkins]

Those are great moments when that happens.

[John Holmberg]

When Whoopi smashes into. Yeah, that would be awesome.

[Doug Hopkins]

I'd watch that.

[John Holmberg]

Like.

[Doug Hopkins]

But when someone, you know, brings levity to them and you. You are able to laugh at. Yeah. It breaks down barriers, the whole point. Sometimes part of what comedy does.

[John Holmberg]

Well, that's the point of it.

[Doug Hopkins]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Pain plus time is comedy. But, yeah. You know, I don't understand it when people get all mad when you're not on their side, then. I'm not on anybody's side. I don't know what's going on at zips.

[Doug Hopkins]

I know.

[John Holmberg]

Here's what I know about zips, because everything eventually will come back to me in my brain. I am officially a human trafficker. I have been a human trafficker. I'm reading the details about the whole ZIPS thing. This deal was the. They have been all over these people for years. And guess what, Brett? I know we talked about it before. Seventy employees at the ZIPS were using the same documents. The Chris Valenzuelas that I talk about all the time have not stopped. And we. I was. I was in on it. I hired several people with the same documents. I didn't do the hiring, but I'm.

[Doug Hopkins]

One of the peeps that you saw it.

[John Holmberg]

And part of the rules of the trafficking or the was to call your family back in Mexico and say, hey, they'll hire you here. And we would. They'd just come up and not even hire them. They'd just be part of the Valenzuela bunch. It was awesome. I know there were guys that just showed up to cook. They might have been murdered.

[Doug Hopkins]

And they did it. Like, they picked it up.

[John Holmberg]

I'd be like, who the hell is that? I'm like, oh, that's Chris's uncle Ed. Like, when did he get here? He's like, we don't care. He somehow knows the whole menu. Like, his first day there, he knew how to cook everything. Not a question. No training. Never set foot in the restaurant. Shows up in the white suit. I'm like, who the hell are you, Chris? Oh, you're one of them. Okay. And I never questioned it. And Chris, the. The lead Chris, when the first. The OG Chris would always come to me, a dude named Tony. And another guy goes, hey, I got the two guys. They went to come tomorrow. Yeah, yeah. Do they know the menu? Yes. He like, is that what you guys do at your house? You do training? You should work. You should have Tony Roma's training facilities in the Playa Palms.

[Doug Hopkins]

So I think I understand how, like, the trafficking, that the lead, Chris.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Doug Hopkins]

Is basically the guy who starts the job off.

[John Holmberg]

See, I don't know that.

[Doug Hopkins]

And then I wonder. The trafficking part is those guys come in, he gets a piece of.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, Brady. They also worked. They worked at other restaurants.

[Doug Hopkins]

Right. And so they rotate around.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Whoever was available. Like, you go to Bennegan's, you go to La Piara, and we go to Romas. And, like, four new ones would show.

[Commercial Announcer]

Up just to area corridor.

[Doug Hopkins]

Yep. Okay. Fridays, you got hula ham, a piece of that big.

[John Holmberg]

I go to Fridays. And every kitchen was everywhere you ate from. In my experience, from 1987 to 1994, it was the same cooks. All of them were the Chris Valens way list. Now, that's not true, because from 87 to about 90, we had fairly legitimate staff.

[Doug Hopkins]

If there's a ceremony where they, like, knighted them. I knighted you?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Doug Hopkins]

Chris Valenzuela.

[John Holmberg]

Well, I think he had to pass their training thing at the apartments on. On Country Club. Okay. Welcome. Tony Roma's Bennet gets TGI Fridays and Applebee's train.

[Doug Hopkins]

Is that why like, sometimes the apartments, they. You know, there'd be bus. There'll be, like, 27 people. Yeah, it's a training.

[John Holmberg]

It's a training facility. Yeah. And then they got real smart. Had that one in Arcadia where they had, like, 131 people sleeping in that house. And the neighbors were looking in the backyard and their sleeping bags. That there's, like, a thousand people.

[Doug Hopkins]

That was the next level. That was resort training, cooking. You're greeted out front.

[John Holmberg]

Welcome to the gold standard of Chris Venezuela's. These dudes were everywhere. And I facilitated it. I'm not proud of it, but I didn't know that. That's human trafficking. I was a human trafficker. And let me tell you this. It's easy now. I wasn't sex trafficking, and I wasn't bringing families over sewn up in suits and like. Like, you know, chairs and Honda Accords. Wasn't making them upholstery. But, you know, they'd ask me, I got two guys who come tomorrow. Yeah, you're more than welcome. Do you want to talk to them?

[Doug Hopkins]

Why.

[John Holmberg]

Why did you train them? Okay. Yeah. Are they. Are they ready? Oh, they've been through the silver standard, though. Platinum. We have got them going. They have got their own place at Playa Palms. We are considering making them, you know, official trainers. Like, no kidding? Yeah, bring them in. These dudes showed up and cooked everything on the menu. Santa Fe salad, which always baffled me to this day, gives me nightmares when someone would order that, because I'm like, I don't know what that is. Nobody ordered it. There's a big taco shell.

[Doug Hopkins]

Huge.

[John Holmberg]

And it was stuffed with all sorts of different stuff. And then you had to have meat, and the cooks would have to do the ground beef and all that. And the servers would grab these. These shells that just sat on a shelf for. Without breaking them for days. So it's a tortilla shell in a deep fryer. It takes two seconds. But we, we pre made like hundreds of them. They were. If you ever ordered that, that thing you were eating out of a shell that was. Could have been years old. I don't know. They were sitting up and they just collecting dust. Not in a box or anything. Just grab it by your hand, put it on the thing and then fill it with lettuce and stuff and then give it to the cooks. And I never knew what was in that. But the people who ordered it always effing knew what was in the goddamn Santa Fe salad. That's a variation of it. Oh, that's the. That's when they changed it from the bowl to the L shaped tortilla.

[Doug Hopkins]

Yeah, bigger tortilla. Folded.

[John Holmberg]

They folded it because it was easier, because it was cracking like crazy. But every goddamn person who ordered it knew everything that was supposed to be on it and I didn't. These dudes would show up from plat palms. They knew everybody never got a complaint when the valenzuela started to do it.

[Commercial Announcer]

Maybe you should have went there for training.

[John Holmberg]

I should have. That wouldn't have been a bad idea. Well, I was too busy running the border, I think. I didn't even know it muddled fruit.

[Commercial Announcer]

So I'm looking at the borders, I'm looking 91 dude.

[John Holmberg]

I'm looking at this, this zips thing and I'm like, I was doing that. I mean. And we had five restaurants.

[Doug Hopkins]

Imagine how many restaurants. I mean, it's still.

[John Holmberg]

We were running 30 valenzuelas easy between the five.

[Doug Hopkins]

If you, you know. Sure. There's a lot of places. You're running a restaurant and all of a sudden you're down a cook. Oh, I've got a. I've got a cousin that can.

[John Holmberg]

We were never down.

[Doug Hopkins]

Bring them in. Let's interview him.

[John Holmberg]

If a dude. There were four guys on the cook line and four dudes were there every night. Sometimes it was dudes you've never seen before. You know, they've. But they showed up and they. And it was. And people confused that for Mexicans work harder. No, what they did was know your p's and q's so you don't raise any red flags. Get the job done. Because if people start going, who the hell is this guy? That's all going to crumble. So you showed up.

[Doug Hopkins]

You check goes to the one guy and he distributes the money maybe.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, no. They all got checks. I still don't know how it worked. Okay. Everybody was getting paid. There were multiple Chris Fallon's way.

[Doug Hopkins]

They would pick up the check, but who knows?

[John Holmberg]

No, no, no. Like, we had four dudes on our. On our Chris Fallon's whale of payroll.

[Commercial Announcer]

I don't know how, but nine dudes were Chris Valens.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, they divvied it up at home. But we. I. Not just one check, because that would have been another huge red flag. Why is Chris Valenzuela making $144,000 a year?

[Commercial Announcer]

Making more.

[John Holmberg]

Right. Everyone here isn't making that. But it never. I. I understood the football term next man up through my Valenzuelas because it's like we're down to that. We're down two Chris's. And then the new Chris's would show up. And then every once in a while we'd have our white cooks on schedule. Grant and Aaron and these guys. And they loved the Valenzuelas. But Grant and Aaron were like, these dudes are machines. It was great. So to zips. I know what you're doing. You got sloppy. This is easy. You needed a. If you needed a consultant. I've been. I've been bragging about this for years, not knowing that it was the most illegal thing I've ever done in my life. I have to wonder if the statute of limitations is. There's a Tony Roman shirt. I had plenty of those. The old baseball tees. Yeah. Oh, I was running. I was running hot on the trafficking. I had no idea. Me, Tony, my boss, Peter Tottenham, and his twin John.

[Commercial Announcer]

Was Bill Osborne there then?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, Bill was the king of it. Yeah, Bill was there. Yes. I don't know who these little guys are, but I'd take 15 or 20 of them to get the job done. Hey, Bill, who's that? Who knows? But he's in a white coat, so he knows the drill.

[Doug Hopkins]

Get busy, yellow hand.

[John Holmberg]

And they'd walk in and it's like they knew the. Like they had schematics at their apartment to know exactly. They never walked in and said, where do I go? They walked right in.

[Doug Hopkins]

Hi.

[John Holmberg]

Through the bar, back to the kitchen. Like, how do you do this?

[Commercial Announcer]

They knew where all the pots and pans were already.

[John Holmberg]

They had. I think they rebuilt their apartment, apply a palms to look just like the kitchen and just ran drills.

[Doug Hopkins]

Oceans, 11 at a time, simulate.

[John Holmberg]

Crazy. So I, John Holmberg, proud human trafficker, without knowing it. My apologies. We didn't harm any families, though. We. We weren't doing anything terrible. But the Chris Valenzuelas, that was my. I dabbled in it. I dabbled in it. I can't help it. But it's very true. He says, I'm telling you. You're right, John. I've dealt with some of these Mexicans criminally. And those dudes from Mexico are definitely smart and know how to get around everything. And that's what these guys did. I don't know. I can't tell you with any certainty that some of these dudes weren't murderers and terrible people. I have. We didn't look into it.

[Commercial Announcer]

They got the food out. So that matters.

[John Holmberg]

Food still work out?

[Doug Hopkins]

What does. It still needed work, by the way.

[John Holmberg]

When I was running that place. Not running, but one of the managers of me, another 20 year old and Bill Osborne and like this crew of idiots. The highest numbers that place ever had. We had our illegal kitchen staff. We had. We were. We were stealing cash, like churning money. They were making millions. We left. They went legit. They were out of business in a year and a half. It's the. The whole place shut down. The owners like ran away and started Ariba's. He took the money from what we did and Arriba's started off of that.

[Doug Hopkins]

So he got out of the room. Was franchise.

[John Holmberg]

Yes. Because it wasn't making any money the way it was when. When the. When the college boys were running. He had. I was 21. I was 20 and 21. My friend Adam was 20 and we were basically running the show. There was a general manager was like 30, but he was just there to do scheduling and he didn't. He just saw that we were killing the nights. He was running daytime, setting things up. And at nighttime that place turned into. It was. It was a. Was the most criminal. It was probably the biggest criminal enterprise in Phoenix and we were crushing it. Appraised constantly. Why is Mesa doing so well? The Mesa store is killing it. They moved a couple of our idiot morons over to the Camelback store and the same thing started happening. We brought the valenzuelas over. It was.

[Doug Hopkins]

We killed it.

[John Holmberg]

It's something. Something. Check out Homburg's morning sickness [e-mail] Holmberg's Morning Sickness. The Camelback store is now where Arriba's is on Camelback and 18th Street. That used to be a Tony Romas. The owner took it and he's like, well, I don't make any money since they fired all the idiots. So went legit. Off it went. I could write a book about human trafficking with experience. That is cool. I think I really didn't see a downside to it. I was a.

[Doug Hopkins]

But you really didn't know.

[John Holmberg]

Right. Because it was going so well. Pretty. The positive side of human trafficking I can help you with. I don't know anything about the negative because I kept my. I kept my traffic to people happy. That's, I think, the key. If you traffic them, keep them happy. I partied with them. I'd go to their silly weird apartment and we'd drink with the balance of like hundreds of people. And nobody in the apartment complex seemed upset.

[Commercial Announcer]

You went to the training center?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I. Yeah, I've been in there. And like I said, it was a couch, a table, and like 44 sleeping bags.

[Doug Hopkins]

Five bartenders came out of that trainer.

[John Holmberg]

There were no beds. You go back to go to the bath. Bathroom was spotless, by the way. Immaculate. Fabuloso, I called it.

[Doug Hopkins]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

Because that's where I learned what fabuloso was. Like. What's this stuff fabuloso like?

[Commercial Announcer]

Man, that stuff works though.

[John Holmberg]

It is awesome. And so I. Yeah, fabuloso is the one you go with. And then you go by the bedrooms and you look and there's just rows of sleeping bags. No beds. Like, I don't know what's going on here, but you guys seem to be getting it. No women.

[Doug Hopkins]

Three amazing bar backs.

[John Holmberg]

We didn't need bar backs. We had. We had Dobson High bus and fed them alcohol like nobody's business. The whole thing was just. It was the biggest criminal enterprise in all of Arizona. Sammy the Bull would have gone, jesus, what are you guys doing? It's like we were. It was a crooked operation and we destroyed it. And I'm proud of it. I have no idea if there's a statute of limitations on it, but I can't answer any questions now. Outside. Oh, yeah, there were a lot of Chris Valenzuelas and I turned a blind eye to it. I didn't think it was wrong and Maybe in the 90s it wasn't. That's what Bill Cosby's excuse was. I didn't know. Did you enjoy your meal? That's all I'd ask. I mean, did you? Because you have a lot of us to thank for that.

[Doug Hopkins]

There were some happy customers.

[John Holmberg]

Everyone was happy. The old people come in with their. They were all happy. Turn and burn. Man, we were churning it. Let's get these tables turned over. You know, we're literally like a 77 a table restaurant. Like 450 covers a night. We were just clobbering. Was a crushing Thing anyway. I didn't know what I was doing. I just knew it was working.

[Commercial Announcer]

Yeah, the Valenzuelas, you didn't need to know.

[John Holmberg]

I was trained by the people who started. I'm like, I'm going with this. But to the zips, they had all the details. And zips make like, I know people are reading it going, my God, again, these Mexicans in there, and there's hundreds of them, and all of them are illegal and stuff. Yeah, I did that. I didn't care. They were cool. They were actually really fun.

[Doug Hopkins]

They must have won the lottery of investigations. Imagine how many restaurants.

[John Holmberg]

Evidently, they warned them. Yeah, they evidently warned him a while ago going, hey, we got. We got our eyes on you. We know something's going to get it together. And they made it worse.

[Commercial Announcer]

Are you serious? I didn't. I didn't read that part of it.

[John Holmberg]

I'll tell you right now, if Homeland Security or FBI came rolling in and said, we know what you're doing, my eyes would have fallen on my head and they wouldn't have been able to catch me because I'd have been Usain Bolt. I'd have run out of there, come and get me. Copy. Because I was not good at. I also turned everyone in. I'm a victim. Yeah. Main Chris was the best one. He was so fun. He spoke all the English, and I don't know what he was translating back to them because I'd say something to Main Chris and he'd go, ha ha. And the rest of them would go, whoa. And I'm like, I think you made that funnier than I did because that was just a little laugh. But you guys took that to.

[Commercial Announcer]

You didn't hear pinch a John?

[John Holmberg]

I heard pinch a John a lot. I always got along with those guys. I thought for a year, I thought my name was the F word.

[Doug Hopkins]

What's up?

[John Holmberg]

That. And then it translated right over to my workers on the house remodel. They did the exact. They were the Valenzuelas, too, I think. Wouldn't it be weird connected to find out if it's still. If it's still. If. I want to look now at the zips files and see if it's Chris Valenzuela's and it's been going on.

[Doug Hopkins]

It could have just been one that was working on that construction job. Like, I work for this guy.

[John Holmberg]

I know this dude.

[Doug Hopkins]

Spread the word to the other guy he doesn't recognize.

[John Holmberg]

I didn't care. It was great. Anyway, so the zip story gets a little weirder. For me, because as I read it, I'm like, oh, yeah, that's standard practice. I don't. You kept the paperwork. Idiots.

[Doug Hopkins]

Well, I believe Camelback's open today.

[Commercial Announcer]

Opened yesterday. Okay, I read that.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Good. All right. And the cooks are the. The. Evidently the. The. The kitchen managers are the ones that were running this thing. They knew more than the owners. But if you have boxes of document. We didn't have that I would have never known if Homeland Security came in and said, all right, let's see the documents of your employees. I'm like, yeah, let's. If you find them, you're going to know where they are before I do, because I have no idea what that. Do we have a file cabinet on our employees? I don't know. That can't be in this building because if it is, we threw it out. There's no reason for that. You didn't keep any of the papers. I'm like, if these guys are here for the first time tonight, I don't know who they are. So sorry about that too, everyone. But if you enjoyed your ribs there is that you frequented the place and you can't sit back. Then if you go back to zips, you're basically like, we're fine with what you were doing. The golden wings are so good. And the zipper readers were flowing.

[Commercial Announcer]

I got to try these golden wings.

[John Holmberg]

Everybody keeps talking to lunch today. Yeah, let's do it. We'll head on over. They're open today at Tempe. Yeah. And we'll roll over and get the golden wings and we'll see if the new Valenzuelas are any good. If you hear from the kitchen, I don't know what I'm doing. The wings are going to be terrible because there's whites back there and that's. They're not built for this.

[Commercial Announcer]

If your accordions and tubas playing out of there.

[Doug Hopkins]

Golden wings just have French's mustard.

[John Holmberg]

This is just gold. I think these have pee on them. He wanted a golden one. That's what I know. My girlfriend's in, bro. Yeah, bro. I'm not a five star chef, bro. Low key. I don't know what these wings do. Yeah. I don't want to. I don't want that. I want to hear that weird, strange love music from the Spanish station coming out of every kitchen. Italian or everywhere. But sushi. I want Japanese people doing my sushi. I don't like where Mexicans dress up like ninjas and do sushi. That just makes me feel like that's just Weird. That looks terrible. But I want.

[Commercial Announcer]

You don't want Jose Yakimoto.

[John Holmberg]

No, no. I like to walk in and hear that. That thing, the Japanese. I don't like to hear Pincha John. Like.

[Doug Hopkins]

No.

[John Holmberg]

I like my chefs to have some authenticity. Anyway, what are you gonna do? Sorry. Zips. And maybe. Yeah, Scott. Scott Haynes is like, right. He said, you know what? Maybe this is what it. That guy meant when he said you're the fabric of the market.

[Doug Hopkins]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I did a little building of this place back there with the Chris Valenzuelas and I was trafficking before. It was cool.

[Commercial Announcer]

This is what you want to hear in your kitchen.

[John Holmberg]

Yes. Especially like a barbecue place or a rib production is happening. You're going to get your food in quick. Now, in high end restaurants, I don't want to hear this, but when I wander into one of those mid level, like, delicious, but quick to the point. Applebee's, you know, Fridays, I don't know if Chili's are still around. If this ain't coming out of the bag. We're waiting for our food.

[Doug Hopkins]

You see that nice square transistor radio with a giant antenna?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. When will they say corazon? They can't not say it. I don't know. He will say corazon. They always say corazon. Every song. Yeah. And it's weird because you'll like when you hear this coming out of the kitchen. Never complain. Could they turn down the goddamn kitchen musical? No, they work faster the louder it is. You will order like, I'll have the. The red rub and double bubble or whatever they have on their menu. Endless fries, please. And before you can start a next sentence with whoever you're sitting with the foods on the way out, like, wow. I count how many times you're at an Applebee's, where people at table go, we just ordered that. They know. Did you hear this is Tony Roma's. This is where I learned what corazon is. I'm like, I hear corazon. That's the only word I pick up every song. What is it? He goes, this is what they listen to. And I'm like, is this love music or stories? This is motivational to you guys.

[Doug Hopkins]

See.

[John Holmberg]

The worst stuff I've ever heard in my life.

[Doug Hopkins]

It's a guy who tried to leave the cartel.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And then my buddy Grant would show up and you just hear this, and he'd turn it to Soundgarden or something and. And we. And you know, the distribution of wings slowed. The Mexicans couldn't. It's there, it's like, powers them while they're. While they're firing ribs. And you'd walk back there. I don't know, maybe it's just cheat codes to how to cook faster.

[Commercial Announcer]

Oh, wait, here we go.

[Doug Hopkins]

Most construction going on, like additions to your house, roofing.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You get this going, you're gonna.

[Commercial Announcer]

This one is.

[John Holmberg]

You're gonna be hammering. It's this one here. This might kill him if this corazon. See, yeah, they just ribs. You know what? There's probably dudes accidentally just adjacent to somebody listening to the station right now who just went to a grill. Immediately. Somebody out there goes, oh, this is Ramona. Yeah, see, I like his stuff. You know what you never see in the Mexican community? Like, concert T shirts. Never once have I seen like one of those dudes walking around on a.

[Doug Hopkins]

Ramona sold out tour. They'll wear like with the back with the cities listed.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, like Pablo Cruz. They wear like, stuff they got. That's our shows. They never wear the Ramona Valas. Pablo Cruz. I don't know what they're wearing. The Judds. Anyway, it's crazy. Yeah, this is. I have a question for you. Miguel says, how the hell did Brett have Corridor de Chito ready to go? That song does not say corazon. What's that one about? Miguel, help us out.

[Commercial Announcer]

No kidding. I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

All of them have corazone in them.

[Commercial Announcer]

Eventually I found one with corazon in it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's in the title. They all eventually say the word corazon. It's like the cue to cook more ribs, I think. Anyway, I human trafficked and I'm proud of it. Zero deaths, zero bodies hurt. Just full bellies and smiling whites. We made more smiling whites with my human trafficking than ever in the history of man. Look at him go. Hey, John, I have four more people I could bring tomorrow. Yeah, they. They're trained. Yeah. Oh, see? Okay, Chris. What do we call him? Chris, Chris, Chris and Chris. Okay. Just keep it on the DL. It's discreet. All right.

[Doug Hopkins]

And we don't need to train? No, they're good.

[John Holmberg]

No training. They have all the training they need. On the drive up. I send them manuals. What do you mean by that? Is that a guy's manual? A guy? No, the paperwork, you dick. Oh, I see. There it was.

[Doug Hopkins]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

Right off the bat. They can't avoid the word cortisone. 623. There you go. So, to zips. I did it too, so I love the zips. Can't be too upset at you, but unfortunately you're Gonna have to hire a bunch of deadbeat community college kids. And your product's gonna suffer for a while. So hopefully they can get around this. Come on, bro.

[Doug Hopkins]

On a rotation every month.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, they last about. This is hard work, Dylan Braden. We're gonna do a walk out. I can't tell you how many times white cooks walked out on us because conditions aren't fair. Like, dude, you're making minimum wage. What do you want more?

[Doug Hopkins]

Just cook. Cook.

[John Holmberg]

We'll give you a quarter more an hour. Come on.

[Doug Hopkins]

I need it.

[John Holmberg]

And they'd leave. Yeah, yeah. I'm not coming in Friday. My girlfriend's birthday. The Chris's never have girlfriends. Birthdays kid me. My wife is giving birth right now. I have more ribs. I give cookie ribs. Hey, Chris. What is it? Hey, your wife just tell us. She have two babies. Congratulations. Okay, keep cooking. They never stop for a girlfriend. I gotta take her over to Falcon Field.

[Commercial Announcer]

She likes that restaurant in there. It's Italian.

[John Holmberg]

So we're going to take the whole. I don't. I don't care. Are you not coming to work? No. Do you have a cousin that knows everything? No. The Chris is due.

[Doug Hopkins]

First of all, it's not fair. This is three days in a row dude bs.

[John Holmberg]

This is my fifth day. I have date night with Angela. You're taking work off for date night? Bro, low key. She's leaving me.

[Doug Hopkins]

Could I get an advance?

[John Holmberg]

Why do you keep calling me Loki? No, don't I just throw the word Loki in a lot? Let's get a wake up song, shall we? A good American. 1-585-9800. For my human trafficking history. It's 98 KUPD.

[Doug Hopkins]

Wake up. It's not weird.

[John Holmberg]

It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee. I have heard enough of this.