← Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona
Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona
01-30-26 - Guad Squares - Jason Statham - Bill Cosby - Trump - Hospice Lou Holtz - Cultural Bigot Brady - Billy Bob - Ice T
00:25:06
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You're listening to the HMS Podcast, brought to you by MMP Guns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories. Hey, it's Brett Vesely and I'm here with Byron from MMP Guns. Look, Byron, I have a friend wanting to sell some guns he inherited. What's the best way for him to do that? Brett, the last thing you want to do is sell the gun to someone who can't legally own one. Tell him not to put himself at risk and come into M and P Guns where he'll get a fair offer and he can rest easy knowing it's not getting into the wrong hands. Okay, but what if he lives out of state? Easy. Legalgunbuyer.com and he can do it online. It really that simple. There you have it. MMP Guns or legalgunbuyer.com the safe and legal way to sell your firearms. All right, HMS Podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Head to the Desert Ridge Improv on the north end of town to catch the comedy of Ron Funches and Joe Mackey. East Siders at the Tempe Improv, you've got David Nyhill and andy Huggins from AGT. And Downtown at Stand Up Live, it's the incomparable JB Smooth for the complete lineups and for Tick to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com sickness. The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail. Thank you, Papa Roach. Here we go, everybody. It's time. Can't believe it's Friday already. By the way, Zoom for the Guadalupe Squares. And we bring in our humble host. How are you, Thriller? Good. How are you guys doing? Quite well, thank you. How was your birthday dinners? I enjoyed it. Yeah, that was good. Did anyone else enjoy it? My family? Yeah, we were all together. Good. They didn't say anything? Negative? No. Okay. Nothing more than usual. Was it a home cooked meal? I forgot that was a restaurant we went over to. Cooper's Hawk. Oh, that's right. Cooper's Hawk. And the wine. All right. There you go. That's nice. It's Brady's birthday this weekend. Really? Congratulations. Yeah, Nobody thought you made it. Yeah, congratulations is not a birthday thing for Brady. Another year we didn't expect. Congratulations, Grandpa. Anyway, he made it. And it's now time for Corey to host these squares. Ladies and gentlemen, here's your host, Thriller Wall Stiller. Take it away. Thank you, Chancellor. Let's begin Top of square here in time to show off. Shelter. Jason Station. Exactly right, Corey. I just hear talking about Shelter. Yeah. Now I'm back talking about it again. It happens so fast. Like everything in my movies. This is about sheltering a beehive. Or Right. Bled over. I've still got bees on me from the last movie. They don't leave. No. And I come in with this one, I'm like, no, I'm not a beekeeper anymore. No. I'm an FBI agent. Or at least I used to be. And I still go very fast. And I still fight. Company man. I'm a company guy. That's right. And I fight bad guys quickly. The cameras move very fast because I'm very fast. Brett, have you seen my movie yet? Don't worry about it. It's been out so fast, I couldn't catch up. It's already at home. In and out fast. Tomorrow. Guess what opens tomorrow. Shelter 2. This time it's personal. I'm noticing a similar plot line. Yeah, Shelter two. Electric Boog coming your way. I make movies in, like, 15 minutes. Make it work, Cory. If they're good, they're good. I make movies very fast. Why wouldn't I? Yeah, that's exactly right. Up. Shelter 3 just filmed it. Wow. The search for Curly's goal. The contract. You've got no contract. It's a contract with the people. They want to stay the movies, they get. Good for us. Beekeeper 3. Freddy's Revenge. That was just for Brady. That was great. The only one I don't do a sequel to is Snatch. That's the only one. Light. Yeah. Lock, stock and snatched. Yeah. Who's gonna do the sequel? The Germans? There's like, a sequel right there. That's right, Tommy. Who's gonna do it? Not me. Okay. How's your leg? Thriller. The same as always. It wouldn't change. Very slow. Not like me. I like your movie. Quick. Would you ever put Thriller in one of your movies? Yeah, I would. That's the sick kid I'm fighting for. Ah, yes. To get the people that done this to him. That'd be his parents. He'd be fighting his mom's vagina all day. He'll be battling back his dad's broken sperms and his mom's vagina. Oh, man. It's called Thriller. The Tumble Tunnel. I fell out too early. Oh, man. All right, now over to the top. Middle square. Bill Cosby up now. See, your mother's vagina wouldn't get a fight from Me at all. And it also probably wouldn't fight back because would be unable and incapacitated. I don't even think you're asleep. A good gynecologist for your mom to fix that seeping honey hole that drops out all the retarded boys. You see what I said there is what it did. I got a gynecologist. I get that to play a little poker. And I say this hands for $500 in Quaaluz. He said, I write a script and then I rape. Be Seems like you just don't care anymore. It just doesn't matter now. Cause it doesn't matter. I can't see. I don't know where anyone is to rap. So it's the safest I've ever been. I will try and rape it to get my hands on. Oh, still. Oh, you see, if you're close enough to touch, you're close enough to rape. Some body braille. God forbid you start to sleep. Oh, he plays body braille. Oh, I play the body braille. But make the pruny toes put the sucking and the toes and the thing and the quaaludes and the sleep. All right, now. I'm doing my own sleep study this weekend. Oh, what are you finding out? They're easier to rape when they're asleep. M. That's the study that they found on the show. You've had that conclusion for like 40 years, though. This is the first time she ever had the dark booty pop up in there. Over now it's cold. The way I like my ladies. Oh, I'm getting to the age body temperature. The whole age appropriate right now is dead bodies. Yeah, you're in your pool. Their performers thing and the teacher. What'd we learn today? Yuck. Little wait for that one. Man. Over now to the top right square. President Trump. How are you, sir? Oh, my God. What a great film. The Academy Award goes to. Melania. Melania. Melania. It's gonna get the most nominations. Gonna get all the more nominations. A lot of people talking. A lot of people. A lot of buzz. Why did she wear that hat the whole time? That was weird. It's beautiful. She looks great in the hat. She looks good in a hat. I like her in a hat. I like her out of a hat. Best film at Turning Point Film festival. Greatest film. A lot of people talking about best supporting actor, me. And I think that's a thing. I think that's real. I think we're going to do that. You're in there somewhere, right, sir? Right after we give Minnesota to Greenland and take Greenland from Greenland. It's a big plan. I've got Canada can't have one. The Dutch can't have the other. We're going to keep them and we're going to swap them out. We're going to get all the people from Greenland to move to Minnesota and all the Minnesotans to move to Greenland is going to as well. Sir. Same weather, Same exact. Bret's right. They like hockey. They're all Eskimos. We love it. By the way, Melania was directed by Barron Trump. Oh. Best director. A lot of people say Spielberg without all the Jew and taller, just a little bit, without any of it. A tall, less Jewish Spielberg is what they say. And they're like, you know, that's good. Brett said it. I think that was Brett's quote. I think Brett saw Melania and we both. We both walked out of there and wiped our tummies off. It's a beautiful first. Best looking. A lot of people say best looking first lady ever. I think a lot better than Big Mike. Jill Biden looks like Alice Cooper. Well, yeah. Am I wrong? Oh, no, you're right. You're right. I mean, there's nothing close. Hillary. I mean, I'd rather it looks like a foot with a wig. Laura Bush. Laura Bush. Close, but nothing Nancy fancy. Nancy Reagan. Are you kidding me? It's like having sex with a pipe cleaner. Brady has given his review. He just wrote down five pussies. Brady's new feline reviews of Melania. Right? Five. That's good, Brady. I like that. Five. It's a good one. Yeah. I don't know what that meant, but I grabbed him. I grabbed all five and I put them in. I said, there you go. It's a clean sweep, sir. It's a clean sweep. All of them. We're gonna get all the awards. All of them. It's all gonna be good. Cory, you're gonna see me accepting for Melania. Me. And I'll tell you, that speech is not going to be short. They're not going to play me off, that's for sure. It's not going to happen. What experiences did you draw from from that for that role? Well, just being great and me and a lot of that. And watching Melania from behind is very. She's an amazing lady. Great first lady. Are you watching her from behind? Of course. That's where I usually have to chase her and get her. I have the solution to that problem. All right, now, over at the middle left square here, Lou Holtz. How are you holding up? She's not real, but this is great opener. That's a question you don't ask somebody who's checking into hospice today at noon. It's not real good for old Lou. You're old enough. Pretty soon, Brady, I'm gonna meet Jesus, which I've been wanting to do for a bit, so I think that's something I can look for. He's ready for you. Well, let's hope so. Cause God forbid I'm wrong and it's just eternal darkness. They took you through those big doors. They take you through the big doors and they shut your eyes and they say, hospice. And you're like, I don't know what I'm doing in hospice, but I don't think that's a good thing. Can I have some more ice chips? Hospice, not ice chips. No. That's what they feed you until you're dead. They don't give you food. They don't give you food. They take it all away. When you're in hospice and they say, that's enough, you're done living. And they just go away. And then they just dwindle out. Here comes the morphine. They don't give you any more medicine. They just lay you down and say, bye for days. Well, sometimes they said, dude's unplugging me, and just lay down, Lou. That's my job. Where is this happening right now? This is a lay down move. I'm gonna get pretty sleepy here soon. It's not good for me if Cosby's my last visitor. What do your toes look like? Haven't seen them in a long time. My eyes only go about a foot and a half, and then they cut off. That's why I'm in the hospice. Notre Dame is where I spent most of my time, and I feel great about that now. You're gonna coach in the stomach. The phones just broke. This is all pointless. We're just doing this for no reason now. It's sort of like my life, it just came to an end abruptly. O. Nobody saw that coming. Foretold. Nobody saw it coming. I think the phones just went to hospice. Well, maybe we'll just keep going with this charade like I've been doing for the last seven or eight days before they check me into the death chamber. It's been that long. That's when they say, that's enough. Just get out. Then they stick you in a weird house that looks like a house, but it's not a house. And there's Filipinos everywhere. They're nurses. And a Jamaican lady comes and gives me ice chips and says he's still here. I thought you were a fighter. You can get through this. That's not gonna work. Everybody loses to Jesus. That's okay. You can go now. Thank you, Brady. That's the best advice I've had all day. Can't slap. Touchdown Jesus. Can't touch him. Nope. Play like a champion today. It's not over my door frame in the hospice room. Just die like a champion soon. We need the room. We got Betty waiting for you. Your Medicaid's running out. Now slide me out, clean the feces off the shakes, and plop another elderly body in there. Oh, man. That's how it works. Everybody says it's a nice thing. It is. But if you're the Jamaican, mate, it's not so great to clean up all that poop and then load up another one. Time for a nap, Coach. I'm not shutting these eyes. There's no way that Jamaican will haul me off and put me in the bag before I'm done. Well, you hold tight. Hold. So we'll reconnect later. Why do you keep putting that mirror under my nose, Brady? I'm just fine for now. Well, speaking of Brady, now the center squad cultural bigot. Brady. Yeah. There was a little issue this morning with how I see India. Hold on. I'm here with the details here. Give you some credit. What about Indian restaurants? Talking about Indian restaurants, my first thought was, well, who would go to that? They make food with their feet in the crap in rivers. That's a little far. And bazaars don't count as restaurants. Who knew? Oh, they're trading. It's like when you're talking about the Japs shoving fish in their mouth. That's what they did. It's called sushi. No, it's not. I'm just turned into L. Hoax. How did that happen? I'm haunting your body, Brady. I'm gonna transfer portals here. I'm going into the Nil. I'm gonna transfer portal into Brady's body snatching. I just snatched Brady's body. You chose Brady? Yeah. Typical, these micks running around, stealing from her. You're like a gypsy. Always drinking. Always drinking. You're going for the blackout bingo card, aren't you? You say black? What? Blackout? Yeah. I don't even think Africans have houses like Indians. Right? Oh, geez, Brady. That's what I learned, Nat. Geo taught me all I need. Where's the bagel boy? Hey, Larry. I mean, Sometimes he has bagels. Yeah, he's gonna make bagels for everybody. Shocker. Just bring us some wonder bread. Oh, no, you can't do that. There's something. Something. Check out Hornberg's Morning Sickness podcast at 98 KUP1 final football game and it's the biggest on the calendar. But you've still got time to get in on the action with underdog. It's addict leader from the morning sickness. And playing on Underdog is so easy. Go to the app, pick players to go higher or lower on their stats. Get those picks right and you could win 5,000 times your money. So one last game with my team and I'm still riding Sam Darnold, Coober cup and JSN to all go higher on their stats. New promos drop daily, so download the Underdog app today and use the promo code HMS to score $75 in fantasy bonus entries when you play your first five DOL. Underdog make picks win. Money must be 18 +, 19 in Alabama and Nebraska, 19 in Colorado for some games, 21+ in Arizona, Massachusetts and Virginia and present in a state where underdog fantasy operates. Terms apply. See assets.underdogfantasy.com web playand getterms_dfs_.HTML for details. Offer not valid in Maryland, Michigan, New Jersey, New York, Ohio and Pennsylvania. Concerned with your play? Call 1-800-GAMBLER or visit www.ncpgambling.org in New York, call 24. 7, Hope Line at 1-877-8-HOPE NY or text HOPE NY to 467369. The playoffs are here and Hooters just upgraded your game plan. Our beer of the month went from 14 ounces to a massive 25 ounces, starting at just $4. That's a bigger beer for every kickoff drive and touchdown. And while you're here, load up on wings, burgers and all your favorites. Come in for the playoffs, stay for the food, the cold beer and non stop football. Plus, every Hooters is giving away an 85 inch smart TV for the big game. Must be present to win. Hooters come for the football, stay for everything else. Holmberg's morning sickness. You prefer Wonder Bread to Bengals? Well, I know that Iranians wipe with their left hand. True. And they, you know, look, they don't have any reason to stop doing that. I'd never go to Iran for that reason. And the French. You're left handed. Yeah, I'm stereotyping everybody because that's the way TV taught me. Okay? Man, don't even get me started on Brett's people. Gaba. Gaba. Gross. Got against them everything. Criminals. Hey, there's nothing official being said. The only thing I think Brett's good for is ringing him out over some pasta and get some of that Evo on there. Oh, prick. Yeah, he sweats it. What do you call Somalian with a yeast infection? Quarter Pounder with cheese. Take that, Min. I just put you on ice and now I'm an insult comic. This gotten out of control? The phone still don't work. Wrap it up, Thriller. Okay, now over to the middle, right square. Billy Bob Thorton here joining us. I don't know how I got involved in all this nonsense, but this is a. I've been trapped in the snow trying to do my shows and stuff, but. So I've had to zoom in to the Boxmaster show over the last few days, and it's awesome. Yeah, Sam Elliott's here, if you noticed on Landman that he's gotten a little extra. Sam Elliott? Yeah, that's right. He always calls me Miho. He really likes sunsets. Marvelous stuff. I'm just like little mijo. Yeah. That's just too much. That's too much, Sam. Anyway, I'll just come down here to tell you that I'm gonna stay in the sunshine for a little while. That snow is there, sir. Don't worry about it. And Brady, the Insult comics, one of my favorites. You wear girls pants? It's one of your weaker efforts. But it's not. It's not out of line. It's true. I do. I wear girls pants. I have a 26 inch waist. Nice. I'm a small man everywhere but where it counts. There you go. All right. I could feel your mom's tunnel. Oh, a lot of guys have said that. Yeah. What? Hey, if you want to. You want a little revenge on your mom? I can make her limp, too. No matching set. My dad must have that covered. He says he does, at least. Well, if she's not limping, he ain't trying. I could turn it into Quasimodo in about three minutes. All right, over to the bottom, left square. Brady Secrets. Where? Give us a hint. Good morning, gentlemen. I was the 32nd president of the United States. I was elected to office four times. Oh, there you go. I married my cousin. Okay, okay. It's a good history lesson. We already got you. Okay, now, bottom, middle square, Ice tea. What's going on, man? Nothing. I'm just rewriting all my songs to be more, you know, appropriate for what's going on like Ice killer. We took the cops out of cop killer. We added the word ice, okay? That's what I do. Ice killer. That's how I rol. I do not know this song. You make up all the words as I go Try not to say the N or the F I got my black shirt on Got my black glove on Ski mask on this been too long got my 12 gig thought off Got my headlights turned off about to bust some shots off about to dust some ice off Ice. I'm ice killer. See what I did? I think I got that about right. You more or less covered it. Yeah, that's right. What's up, Ice, B? What's up, Ice? Brady? You gonna volunteer to be in ice? It's my birthday. Happy birthday, B. Should I say congratulations? Everybody's shocked to stay king. I would have never guessed I wasn't gonna outlive that one. How are you not in hospice? You're taking his body now? Imagine how long Brady would feed off of himself in hospice. That bed would be go. Poor Betty Johnson would have to wait in the hallway. Coach, could I get your kidney? Yes, you can have anything you want. Just pull it on out right now. Nobody seems to mind Lou Holtz going into hospice. Nobody even cares about me anymore. Start hacking. Just start tapping me up and parting me out like a car that got swapped and taken to Mexico. What's your best feature? Right now? Right now? Well, yeah. I mean, geez, that's a tough question. Okay, your lungs. Yeah. Last one. All right, here now. Our Lord and Savior. Bottom right, square trip. Reeb. Hello, sir. How are you? Yeah, I'm an ice killer. You know, our headquarters are up in Minneapolis. That's right. Yeah, everybody's a day off up there. Yeah, everybody's got the day off. Not here. No. Hi, Larry. Yeah, where are the bagels? Let me guess. Larry's office. Oh, Brady got it from you. That's what happened. I. Because Brady told me to. I said I wanted to learn how to make bagels, and Brady said, ask Larry, and he was right. Most people would think that's racist. I'm gonna go downstairs and ask Kevin Belly how to make chopped suey. Oh, no. It's so good. Jesus. I told him to do that. I bet you Kevin makes a good suey. Then go ask Jennifer about jerk chicken. She knows her way around that. I bet. Checkbook out. Brady paying out? Man, you be paying out. What you talking about? And go ask hor about mayonnaise sandwiches. White loser buffet you got going there. All Right. Who's on the phone? Well, that's it, everybody. Congratulations. We're out early. You get yourself the thing? Nobody. The phones keep dumping their collars. And then it brought them back and put them on hold on its own. Yeah. At least maybe they're there. No, these are dead. Yeah, it's a phone. Too many people calling. Broke everything. It was still fun, though, don't you think? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Do you want to just Toledo pick a square? Center square. Cultural bigot rating. It's a charged one. That's a good one. I like that. What nationality are you? Half German, half Irish. Oh. Product of a rape. Pissed off and drunk. Yeah, pissed off, drunk and wanting to take over the world because you're too small. Half is the legend. Yeah, that's the. I probably Irish. I don't know. Little dick, big attitude. You choose which one that applies to because it's the whole gambit. You like golf? No. Why? You're Irish. You're supposed to. Too long. Nobody ever said that about your dick, though, because you're cheering an Irish. I'm afraid of the insult comic. Well, I do have a question for you if you want to answer a question. All right. Cherophobia is the fear of being sad. True or false? Cherophobia. And you're sad because you're afraid of sad. So you're always cheery. Okay. So you wouldn't have O phobia cheer. I think when you got born, your leg and your head broke. Dumb ass. I'd say that's false. It would be the opposite. All right. False. You'd be afraid of being happy. Well, I. Toledo, do agree. Disagree. I agree. Bob, you wrote the question. He's a winner. Congratulations. You're going to three days grace. Nice job. Enjoy that. Mount one of their fat fans. How'd you know? Have you been there? I think I went one time. Yeah. They give you three days grace to get out of the rooms. They gotta carve out a new opening. Enjoy it. I'm out. All right. Drop the mic, man. Drop the mic, man, he said. And now the phones are going again. We're not playing anymore. No, no. Goddamn building sucks. Well, you saw that email this week. There's important building maintenance happening. That's just sweeping. Yeah. All they tell you to get stuff off your office floor so they can vacuum. Well, no, that was actually one of the spam emails on Monday. Oh, it was? Yeah. One of the spam ones you're not supposed to open, though. No. And you did. No, I didn't. I Knew it was. You know what it said? They were all like, oh, this one's one of the fake ones. Don't touch the building one. It's fake. You'll. You'll get hacked. I think that one was fake. Yeah. The ones that tell you things are fake are probably the ones that would set you up. There were, like, six on Monday. It was funny. I don't ever open anything from Hubbard Broadcasting because all they are are things to tell you that don't open it. They've proven to us for 10 years that everything that comes from them. It's a fishing scam. It's a phishing scam. All they did was train me not to open emails from people I don't know. And I don't know any of those people. Yep. And they're like, did you do the survey? I'm like, I don't know. Yeah, you're supposed to click on that. Like, the whole point of clicking on that is to do a survey of things, not to click on exactly what Fisher would say. That's exactly right. So this was probably my last appearance on the Squares, at least as a living human. Next you'll hear Angel Lou Holtz. Oh, I wonder what the changes will be. It won't be much. Okay. I won't put much thought into that. Who are you hoping to see? Who am I hoping to see up there? I want to see that. Want to see Vince Lombardi? I'd like to see him. I'd like to see Rich cold Titan slug him right in the middle. Think there's fights in heaven, Brady, that you can't get along with? All the souls. Some of them were dicks. Joy fights. Yeah. They're probably just real happy fights. And every time you get punched, you in your pants. That'd be great. That's heaven to me. A fist fight filled with semen. That's a good band name. That's a memoir, Zuho. A Fish Bite of Seamen. Starring Clint. You'll see him soon, too. Don't worry. That's a fist full of semen. Anyway, I gotta go. I mean, that's. Lou's going in a hospice today. It's too bad. Former coach of a sad. Hell of a run. Hell of a run. Exactly. Hell of a run. But now I think we're all, like, enough. Yeah. And that's what hospice is. Hospice is Latin for that's enough. Did you know that? Or go with God. No, it's. That's enough. That's enough Latin for that's enough, Lou. Actually, that's enough. Lou. Here's your ice chips. Shh. I don't know how right you are on the ice chips. I'm hungry. It's the whole point. Eat your ice chips. Choke to death. If I have any lasagna. Usually Alternate. Here's the ice chip. Here's some morphine. Here's the ice chip chip. Here's some morphine. That's the lucky ones. Yeah. And that's where we all end up. Let's end the week there, shall we? That's enough. Happy birthday, Brady. Happy birthday. Happy birthday to Brady. To send you into your. Happy birthday to Brady and Adam Ferrara. It's his birthday on Monday. I'm out tomorrow. Where are you going? I'll be at the RSI. The refrigeration school's big open house tomorrow from 10 to noon, so. All right. You're looking to get a new career. Come on out. And we got some. The KPD swag. I got 200 gift cards to hand out as well, so. All right. You're good. Too. Covered. Beautiful. Nine to two. Ten to two? Oh, I was gonna say no. Ten to midnight. Ten to noon. Jesus. I'll figure it out by the time I get there. Don't worry about it. You're gonna be there a lot. Forget about it. Wow. 10 to noon. 98kpd.com events yeah, just go there tomorrow. Streets again. 40 east of 44th Street. So Washington and. Or west of 44th Street. I'll make it there eventually. Over there. Don't worry about it. I'm going to the event page myself. So. Refrigeration school. I got that right. It's all that matters. Enjoy your day, everybody. Driving around looking for Brett. Start today lining up for your. Where's the wop? I tell you what those people have. That's a wise amount of money they spent telling you how to go find Brett. Hey. Waldo will be out tomorrow at the refrigeration school. Good luck. We're done. Larry's next. Have yourselves a great weekend. We'll see you on Monday. Right here in the morning sickness. Bye. Hey. It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee. Heard enough of this. It's Brett Vesley from the morning sickness. And I want to let you guys know about my friends over at Divine Design Landscaping. These guys have been great. They've been taking care of my house. And you guys have heard that I've had a lot of stuff going on lately. It's been great to take something off my plate. These guys handle everything lawn care, irrigation, tree work, low voltage lighting, 3D designs, patios. You name it, they can do it. So start the new year off right and get a free quote@divinedesignlawncare.com and ask for the HMS friends and family rate. 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