02-03-23 - Cussing Brady Dropped F Bombs On The Course To A Group Of Slow Players To John's Delight - Terminally Ill Man Makes Agreement w/Wife To End Suffering So She Comes Back Shoots Him In Head

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona: Episode Summary (02-03-23)

Podcast Information:

• Title: Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona
• Host/Author: 98KUPD | Hubbard Radio
• Description: Holmberg's Morning Sickness on 98 KUPD is Arizona's #1 Morning Radio Show. John Holmberg attempts to entertain, question, and disturb as many listeners as possible with assistance from Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo. Tune in or log onto 98KUPD (97.9fm, the 98KUPD app or www.98kupd.com) weekdays 5:30a-10a.
• Episode: February 3, 2023
• Title of Episode: Cussing Brady Dropped F Bombs On The Course To A Group Of Slow Players to John's Delight - Terminally Ill Man Makes Agreement w/Wife To End Suffering So She Comes Back Shoots Him In Head

---

1. Introduction and Golfing Antics

Timestamp: [01:24 - 07:00]

John Holmberg opens the episode with a lively recount of a recent golfing experience involving him, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo, Eric Bryan, and their friend Doug King. The group faced significant delays due to slow-playing golfers, particularly an elderly gentleman who became increasingly frustrated.

• John Holmberg: Describes the crowded golf course and slow players. He humorously details how he and Brady almost went to jail due to Brady's aggressive language towards the slow golfers.
  • “Brady said a cuss word to another person in a threatening manner. There's nothing you haven't lived until you've heard Brady say you're half hole behind.” ([02:02])

Key Interaction:

• As the group progresses, Brady's mounting frustration culminates in him shouting, “Hurry the up.” ([04:21])
• John relishes Brady dropping the "F bomb," marking a rare and entertaining moment for him.
  • “The first thing I said was, Brady said the F word today.” ([04:36])

2. Escalation and Tension on the Golf Course

Timestamp: [07:00 - 15:00]

The tension escalates when the elderly golfer confronts the group, leading to a heated exchange filled with profanity and threats.

• John Holmberg: Shares how Brady's outburst escalated the situation, resulting in nearly violent retaliation.
  • “We were going to kill a man, though.” ([04:00])
• Eric Bryan: Highlights the improbability of retaliation, noting the golfer's reaction.
  • “Your mother smells like juice, you piece of. Move on.” ([05:42])
• Doug King: Expresses disbelief that the incident wasn’t recorded.
  • “Nobody recorded this.” ([05:46])

Conflict Resolution:

• The confrontation reaches a peak when the golfer’s son intervenes, defusing the situation by expressing distress over his father's aggression.
  • “Dad, dad, dad, dad, dad.” ([05:30])

3. Reflections on Violence and Self-Control

Timestamp: [15:00 - 18:00]

John reflects on potential violent outcomes and the importance of self-control in heated moments.

• John Holmberg: Describes scenarios where physical altercations could escalate, drawing parallels to past experiences.
  • “I thought we were going to kill that old man.” ([07:00])
• Eric Bryan: Questions the need for aggression, emphasizing the futility of violence.
  • “You don’t know who you just walked up to.” ([17:58])

4. Personal Anecdotes and Broader Discussions

Timestamp: [18:00 - 27:00]

The conversation shifts towards broader, more personal topics, including euthanasia and the moral dilemmas surrounding it.

• John Holmberg: Shares a poignant story about a man who, terminally ill, made an agreement with his wife to end his suffering. The discussion delves into the complexities and emotional weight of such decisions.
  • “She agrees. She's doing her husband's bidding. She's euthanizing him like you would a puppy.” ([20:13])
• Eric Bryan: Challenges the methods described, suggesting less violent means of euthanasia.
  • “She probably doesn't have the strength to smother.” ([22:27])
• John Holmberg: Explores the emotional burden on family members forced to make life-and-death decisions.
  • “Nobody's wiping my ass unless it's... if the doctor says it's forever.” ([24:01])

Moral and Ethical Implications:

• The hosts debate the legality and morality of euthanasia, highlighting the emotional and legal consequences for those involved.
  • “We should have the euthanize me rule.” ([26:03])

5. Humor Amidst Heavy Topics

Timestamp: [27:00 - 30:00]

Despite the heavy themes, the hosts intersperse humor and light-hearted banter to maintain the show's entertaining tone.

• John Holmberg: References classic comedy moments to lighten the mood.
  • “That's the one in Iowa was not. The 66-year-old woman...” ([23:18])
• Stefan and Eric Bryan: Engage in playful exchanges about the discussed topics, blending humor with the serious nature of the conversation.
  • “Don't drown yourself.” ([28:54])

6. Closing Remarks and Upcoming Segments

Timestamp: [30:00 - 30:57]

John wraps up the episode by mentioning upcoming performances and events, maintaining the show's engaging and community-focused spirit.

• John Holmberg: Announces future comedy shows and encourages listener participation.
  • “We'll talk about the Chinese balloon in a second. Give us a wake-up song.” ([30:32])
• Dick Toledo and Michael Rappaport: Participate in promotional segments, keeping the energy upbeat as the episode concludes.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• John Holmberg: “Brady said a cuss word to another person in a threatening manner.” ([02:02])
• Brady Bogan: “Hurry the up.” ([04:21])
• John Holmberg: “Brady's a different dude now.” ([04:35])
• Eric Bryan: “You must be hearing things.” ([05:30])
• John Holmberg: “I thought we were going to kill that old man.” ([07:00])
• John Holmberg: “A woman arrested for killing her terminally ill husband in a Florida hospital.” ([20:45])
• John Holmberg: “She should have a pillow over him.” ([22:44])
• John Holmberg: “We should have that euthanize me rule.” ([26:03])

---

Conclusion

In this episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness, listeners are treated to a blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and serious discussions. From the high-stakes tension on a crowded golf course to the deeply emotional topic of euthanasia, John Holmberg and his co-hosts navigate a range of topics with their characteristic mix of irreverence and sincerity. The episode underscores the show's commitment to entertaining and engaging its audience while tackling complex and sometimes controversial subjects.

Transcript

[John Holmberg]

The podcast you are listening to of Homework's morning sickness is brought to you by my friends at Eric's Family Barbecue in Avondale. Meet Mesquite Repeat. Trust me on this one. You've had barbecue before, but you haven't had it this good.

[Dick Toledo]

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[Brady Bogan]

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[John Holmberg]

Good morning everybody. Hello there. Welcome to Friday. It's 5:45. This is the morning sickness. My name's John. There's Brady. Brett Toledo. We're ready to go. And this is a glorious Friday. Big one especially. Brady and I almost went to jail yesterday. What? Oh yeah, we were. We were headed to jail. We were ready to go. Brady said a cuss word to another person in a threatening manner. There's nothing you haven't lived until you've heard Brady say you're half hole behind. Hurry the up to a guy ahead. That is not true. That is exactly what you said. And I my said you're half a hair behind.

[Brett]

Hurry the up. The grid is wide open the crib's wide open.

[John Holmberg]

It was awesome. Some old man was you. Brady and I, Eric, Brian, and our friend Doug King were golfing yesterday. And, you know, we're playing on a very crowded day. It's a lot of people. It was a nice day. A lot of Canadians in town. There's, you know, there's guys in front of us slow golfing.

[Eric Bryan]

Definitely not Canadians.

[John Holmberg]

It's a curse. It's a crime, actually, to be on a golf course and slow golf, especially on a packed day, you're ready. Get over your shot. You're ready. Have your club out. You know, when the group ahead of you goes, they hit their shot and get in their carts and go. You're hitting your shot from, you know, however far back you are. 200, 225 yards away. If they're hitting good shots. And we were probably 200 yards away at one point. They were down in a Little Valley Par 5. Eric Brian hits a shot, goes over. They come out from, oh, we didn't see him. Like, oh, you hit right over America. No harm, no foul. Not a. It's not a kosher move on our end, but it happens on a crowded day. Occasionally. Get a guy hits a little further than he thought he could. I line up my shot. I put one. I put a bomb on him. Rolls right up behind the guy. So, I mean, it's with the whoops now. We've done it two times. Evidently, on the front nine, they were unhappy with one that landed within, you know, 40 yards. Yeah, it wasn't even close. So we were just keeping up. We weren't hitting them, keeping up. This old man comes around the corner on, like, the 15th, 16th green, just three minutes later.

[Eric Bryan]

I mean, they're already gone to the. The next heat.

[John Holmberg]

The rest of them had already gone to the next t. He comes piling around, starts going, you guys are mother assholes.

[Brett]

She hit into us twice today. You mother.

[John Holmberg]

And all right, we have all bowed up now, like, this is. This is accelerated. And I've learned my lesson to decelerate. I was in my car, but I. I didn't. And I assessed the situation and thought, we're gonna break an old man's legs today. This is going to be a great day.

[Stefan]

Nice.

[John Holmberg]

And, you know, then Eric Brian goes, hey, you don't me. And he's ready to go. And I'm like, all right, Eric's trained. He's ready to go. Because you come over here. And I said. I told the guy, I said, hey, we apologized. Shut up. Get in Your cart and move the on you.

[Brett]

You guys head into it, since I'm.

[John Holmberg]

Reporting you to the thing. And then you hear the gem in the background.

[Brett]

Green's open. You guys are playing slow. Hurry the up.

[John Holmberg]

Like, yes.

[Eric Bryan]

A hole behind. The green is open. Hit your teeth.

[Brett]

Floor all day. Hurry the up.

[John Holmberg]

Go.

[Brett]

Hit your shot.

[John Holmberg]

Was it not? You did. Yes. You. I looked at her. We both looked at each other like, holy Christ, Brady's boat. Hurry the off was awesome. You did. You said the F word. I went home. The first thing I said was, brady said the F word today.

[Eric Bryan]

You. You must be hearing things.

[John Holmberg]

You're the one who can't hear. Evidently your own self now. It was awesome. You threw the bomb. I'm like, brady's a different dude now. Not only was he challenging an elderly gentleman, and we were going to kill the guy, his son came over. He goes, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad. Because he's looking at, you know, dudes who will just mop the floor with him. You don't, you know, even if you're mad, you don't wander over to people and start mother effing them, you know? Especially because the son had said something to Doug. Evan was like, hey, it got a little close. And Doug told him, we didn't see you. We thought you guys were further up when you came out of that gully. We didn't know.

[Eric Bryan]

So the same thing. They did two amazing shots.

[John Holmberg]

And then the dad just lost his mind. Damn it.

[Brett]

Your mother smells like juice, you piece of. Move on.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, he went full on. It was Brady Dice Bogan. It was amazing.

[Dick Toledo]

Nobody recorded this.

[John Holmberg]

No. Damn it. All day long we're just taping each other doing dumb stuff. This got close, though. I think this was a little more heated, a little closer than we thought, because as he walked away from you swearing at him, he walked over towards Eric Bryan, who was cussing up a storm. And he was tearing into the guy, and that guy's tearing at Eric. And then I came around the corner and I told him, like. And that was before you had said the F word. But I came up and I said, hey, cuz. I cussed at him. I'll admit it. Right away. I'm like, hey, shut the up and calm down. Move on. We apologized.

[Brett]

You shut the. You. Yeah, well, here we go.

[John Holmberg]

And that old man didn't even know. That was maybe the first time Greg has ever thrown an F bomb at a human being. Amazing. Don't lie about it now. Jesus heard it. Jesus heard it. You can't. You can't you're not dodging it. Jesus heard it too. Eric will text me and tell me have Brady threw the F bomb. I said, that's how mad everybody got, throwing the F bombs at each other. Even Brady got involved. It was pretty great. I thought we were going to kill an old man, though. Then his son came over. Dad, dad, dad, dad, dad. And it was pretty great.

[Eric Bryan]

Turned around, went to the tee box and hit their tee shots.

[John Holmberg]

Hit their tee shots. And then we. We finished our hole, like, in seconds. Three holes. Oh, it worked. Whatever.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, whatever.

[John Holmberg]

Whatever Brady's F bomb did worked because the dude started to play some fast golf. They started. Did this humpty Dumpty loaf of a man in their foursome that was dragging anchor the whole day, keeping him down.

[Eric Bryan]

Elmer Fudd.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. That's the fun thing about golf, is sometimes you just accidentally have the best shot of your life. There's no way I'm hitting a three wood 250255, which is what I did to piss him off on top of the fact that Eric hit his just the same right before me over the.

[Eric Bryan]

Top of him on that same hole. The fourth went back of us.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Because we were right next to us. Yeah, yeah.

[Eric Bryan]

Didn't say anything. It rolled up.

[John Holmberg]

It made 20 yards away. That's fine. It makes sense. Yeah, like. Like we looked like we were a little further along. Some guy hit a bomb, and we looked at like, all right, My second shot had a ball from the guys behind us next to it. And that's when I just laced one right into those old men that Brady wanted to kill with terrible language and fisticuffs.

[Eric Bryan]

We had 30k on the whole 18. $30,000 to Doug King.

[John Holmberg]

Is that what happened?

[Eric Bryan]

If he hit the guy and he had gurney off on the screen, we.

[John Holmberg]

Started to put price tags on top of the old man. And standing on a par three, I'm like, doug and Eric started a thousand bucks if you plunked the old bastard. And I said, I'll add 10,000 if you knock him out. And then I think we tripled it down. It would end up $30,000 if he. If the man had to be gurneyed out of.

[Eric Bryan]

He has to be gurney. Oh, man. You see him drop on the green.

[John Holmberg]

I'd have PA that'll help pay that if you gurney. And, like, ah, days ruined. But, hey, here's 30 grand for Dougie.

[Stefan]

Stefan says, to be fair, Brady's been on a slow boil since having to drive 112 miles to Oro Valley without.

[John Holmberg]

Seeing his Daughter play. Excellent point. Because that's where he usually spews out his curses, is in the car. You say that like you'll curse at people. And I was in the cart, and you were in the cart. And also, well, you were on the green when you said the F word. Yeah. Because you were walking off half a.

[Brett]

Hole behind Crane's open. Hurry the up.

[John Holmberg]

I'm like, yes. That's when I was so happy. Like, the smile beaming off my face. That's probably why those guys left. They're crazy. That one over there, smiling like a clown. The mean woman is screaming the F word at us. We're in trouble. Yeah, it was great, but it was pretty awesome day. We almost killed a man and. But yeah. Cause you're right. Brady had to drive all the way back from Oro Valley with a kid in the car so he couldn't cuss at the other people like he normally does, where he does his childlike, hidden cuss words inside his vehicle.

[Eric Bryan]

It's a good, frustrating game. Yeah, it could be.

[John Holmberg]

That's true. That's exactly where it was. Man, oh, man. I'm proud of you. Proud of you. Who's ready to fight? And then the next hole, we're standing on the tee box talking about what we would have done. I mean, I would have landed a leg kick like nobody's business on that old man. Watched him crumble like the Trade Centers. I've taken them down like, 9, 11. And then Eric's like, comes at you, front kick, and then we're practicing our kicks. It was pretty great. That was pretty great. It was fun. I wish we would have beaten that old man up, but we didn't. Cooler heads prevailed to a certain degree. The better part was in the parking lot after the Doughy Anchor. I think maybe low IQ one.

[Eric Bryan]

Elmer Fudd.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Elmer Fudd was. Was one car over from me, putting his shoes in the back and very friendly to me. And the Elmer Fudd was.

[Eric Bryan]

Carts cleaned up.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Hold on. Yeah.

[Eric Bryan]

He said, nice day out there, wasn't it? Like, I don't know. This old guy that I was with.

[John Holmberg]

That was yelling that dopey F word had no business. He had no idea what had happened 10 minutes earlier.

[Eric Bryan]

That could be.

[John Holmberg]

He was empty in the head. But his buddy, the Cusser, the mean one, was right directly across from me and that. He wouldn't even look at me. I'm just. I'm putting my clubs in the car, and I'm just looking around the corner. My car just right into his. He had Like a Hyundai alarm said.

[Eric Bryan]

You need any help loading those up, old man?

[John Holmberg]

Old man?

[Brett]

He can load himself. You mother. Wow.

[John Holmberg]

Instigator Brady's my new favorite.

[Doug King]

You want to go, pops?

[Brett]

You want to go? I will you to death.

[Eric Bryan]

It's like falling down. Michael Douglas.

[John Holmberg]

It was pretty great, Brett. Then I almost had my moment, because when I got all the way home, my friend who's had his medical issues needed a ride back to the exact same spot over by the Legacy golf course. So I drove all the way from the Legacy to my house at 5:00. 5:30, and the traffic's miserable. And then had to turn right around and go all the way back and pick him up. I was rooting to find that old man. I'd have buried him. Why? Why? It was hours ago. I'm still mad. And so is my little lady friend.

[Doug King]

Bury him.

[Brett]

Hurry the up.

[John Holmberg]

The best. And it's good because you didn't cuss like. Like a kid would cuss the first time out. Burying the f word into a guy's ears. You didn't say, like, suck my rubber. You didn't say anything stupid. You know, he sounded like. He sounded like he knew what he was doing with the curses. This was. Even though it was his first time to go face to face with a guy, he's done it through car windows and stuff. He knew what he was doing.

[Eric Bryan]

I guess I missed my opportunity for sea sucker to end it, too.

[John Holmberg]

That would have been fantastic.

[Brett]

Green's open, you sucker. Now hurry the up.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, we might have gotten into a donnybrook with that foursome. God dang it.

[Eric Bryan]

Anyway, I got a couple of birthday greetings out by people. Happy birthday, sucker.

[John Holmberg]

It's fantastic. Well, it was fun to watch you lose your cork for a few seconds. That old man was asking for it. You know, there's a way to handle that kind of stuff. And even if we were wrong, which we admitted, hey, we goofed. We're sorry. The first thing we did was apologize. And he wouldn't stop. You just don't mother f. You don't know who you're walking up on.

[Eric Bryan]

You don't come in hot.

[John Holmberg]

Not that hot. I understand being mad going, hey, guys, you want to slow her down a little bit?

[Eric Bryan]

We're not going anywhere. There's no need to hit. And, hey, well, these guys hit two amazing shots.

[John Holmberg]

And he goes, you've been doing it twice, Dan. We have. We said we hit two shots and we haven't hit in years. Neither of us. We crushed two shots and Then, you know, he's like, you haven't had it happen to you. We've had balls come right up on us today. The same hole.

[Brett]

Hurry the up. I. Your mom.

[Eric Bryan]

We're done here.

[John Holmberg]

My mom died in 1988, and I her since.

[Brett]

Move on.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it was amazing.

[Brett]

Yes. Take your flaccid walk over to the tee box.

[Stefan]

We need to start sending Dom with you guys.

[John Holmberg]

When you go golfing, videotape that you.

[Brett]

French kiss your mother with that mouth, you piece of.

[John Holmberg]

It was the best. Watching Brady curse out an old man was awesome. It only said, like, two things, but that was the best one. And all the cussing that was going on, I thought it was going to go. I thought for a second. Then the other two and the foursome ahead of us, the angry old man, they weren't. He did not have it separate. Nobody had his back. The son was trying to stop him from it, and the other two just drove away. This dude was. He was solo, and he was. He was not in a good spot. I mean, I'm not gonna throw a first punch ever, but he looked like he was ready to pop.

[Eric Bryan]

He could throw three or four.

[John Holmberg]

No three or four. He would have had a broken leg. It would have been bad because Eric.

[Eric Bryan]

Then told us a story about his one buddy. Let the old man throw three punches at him.

[John Holmberg]

Some old guy walked up and punched. Maybe it's Eric. Brian. He's like, maybe he's the catalyst for this. He causes Brady's anger. But he punched him in the face three times. The old man just started to work him. So the guy's like, I'm getting hit by an old man. This can't last. And he just, boom, blasted the old fella. And then everybody.

[Doug King]

Why are you hitting him? He's an old man.

[John Holmberg]

He goes, hey. Laid into my friend three times, just lighting him up. I kind of thought that when I. When I first heard the guy yelling and he was walking towards, it was kind of Doug, and. But Doug walked away. And then Eric was walking towards me. He was walking towards him. I'm like, he's gonna throw. Like, my initial thought in the cart was, that dude's gonna throw a hand. Like, he was mad rage had to.

[Eric Bryan]

Happen right when he pulled up to the tee. I'm circling back.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I'm killing him. I'm gonna go kill those guys. You with me? Who's with me? It was like that time I was at the Cult concert, and I went to protect our friend Todd Merrill because he stepped on a guy's foot. And the guy told him to f himself. And then Todd left. And then I saw, like, 10 guys get up and go after him. And I turned.

[Eric Bryan]

Deal. He said, sorry.

[John Holmberg]

He said, well, yeah, he did. He said, I'm sorry. And the guy. And the guy goes, you?

[Eric Bryan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And he goes, oh, no, you. And I kept walking on. Well, Todd's a black guy, and I didn't realize who. He stepped on. One of the Hell's Angels feet.

[Stefan]

Oops.

[John Holmberg]

So we're in a cult concert. I turned to my friends. I'm like, hey, those dudes over there after Todd? So I get up and start running after Todd, and I'm alone. I thought I had, like, five guys behind me. Not a one of them followed. So now I'm in the mix with Todd Merrill at the bottom of the stairs while Hell's Angels are chasing him. And when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I was an honorary member of the Hell.

[Stefan]

Put that leather vest on.

[John Holmberg]

I was gonna beat his black ass all over the web theater. I was not going to pretend to be on Todd's side at the end of that. When I realized, oh, God, yeah, Todd's gonna get beat up today, and I'm gonna throw the first punch. That was crazy. They. They screamed out to secure the exits, the Hell's Angels to each other, and went the other way to keep Todd in. And the. There's a black VIP security guard at the bottom of stairs going, run, man. Run, Todd. Flying down those stairs. That might be why they closed the web theater. That was a horrifying night. And then some owner of the web theater said, sorry, you two are gonna have to go to me and Todd, like, why? You're not going back in there. Are you crazy?

[Eric Bryan]

Between asking them to go and you to go.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Eric Bryan]

Oh, yeah, sorry.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you're going. They're gonna have a nice. They're getting free popcorn. You two are leaving. Get your black ass out of here. Like, they all of a sudden were racist. I'm like, hey, he doesn't need that. And Todd's like, no, it's okay. Let's go. And I had to walk him to his car, like, I'm security. And I told him several times, you know, if they start chasing us right now, I'm knocking you down and running the other way. I'm gonna give them to you. You're a sacrifice tonight.

[Eric Bryan]

Todd went over and tipped the bikes down. They fell like dominoes.

[John Holmberg]

It was bad. There's nothing weirder than being in a staircase with 20 guys. You think are just normal dudes. And then looking to your left and seeing the denim patches and looking to your right and seeing more. And in front of you just says, hills, angels, blah blah, blah. Chapter. I'm like, oh, Todd stepped on the wrong foot. And evidently it was the foot of like the leader because that dude didn't get up. He just pointed and everyone ran after Todd. It was bad, but yeah, yesterday would have been different, But I felt the same way as that old man did. I'm like, I gotta help my friends. And they weren't. They did not have my back. So you never know. Don't fight your adults. That's the rule. Especially old men bowing up to people. You just don't know who you just walked up to. I think it's.

[Stefan]

I think.

[John Holmberg]

I think his son noticed. Okay, these are probably dudes who might be able to handle themselves against an old man. And you know, like a 40 year old guy.

[Eric Bryan]

They threw out an apology.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah. They said they were sorry. It's time to go. My dad's causing the problem here. And the other two are just tiddly winking on the next hole. Oh, it was great fun. Great fun. Golf gentleman's game. Sounds like the gentleman's game. It's where gentlemen go to be gentlemen.

[Brett]

Hurry the up, ass face.

[John Holmberg]

That was best. I thought we were gonna get it, but we didn't. It didn't happen. And then I go home. I get all the way there. I gotta drive all the way back over, Take my buddy home from his doctor's thing and get all the way back home. And what do I have waiting for me but Eric's family barbecue.

[Eric Bryan]

Oh, he made.

[John Holmberg]

I don't even know if he wants me to talk about. He's making these Philly cheesesteak brisket. Oh.

[Eric Bryan]

Thinking about rolling him out.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, he should. It was mind melting. It was just a per. And then I just conked out. It was the best day ever. I watched Brady cuss at an old man. I had a Philly cheesesteak from the barbecue. Slapped. Slapped like a baby. Jealous. I think I did sleep better knowing that Brady cursing that old man's in the ether. I think. I just think I just had a.

[Eric Bryan]

It stays in there. It doesn't go away.

[John Holmberg]

It's such a Disney moment. It comes all night. Just like. Just this. This peaceful sleep Knowing that Brady just bombed an old man's ears with the F bomb.

[Eric Bryan]

Oh, so happy rocks tumbled down from south mountain and echoed off.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. It was like Japan. A ma. When one of them gets mad and he goes, just does. Stop. It's John Holmberg here, and it's time.

[Dick Toledo]

To talk about TVs Doug Hopkins and my home group and Doug hopkins.com when I have questions about real estate, I look no further than TV's Doug Hopkins. And right now, the market seems to be on pause. It's not bad, but it's not great. And Doug told me that selling a house right now might be a little bit tough. If you need or want to sell your home right now, the best way to avoid all the traditional real estate pitfalls is to call TV's Doug Hopkins right now 1-800-sell now or start the entire process online at Doug hopkins.com everybody.

[John Holmberg]

Sing Hopkins 1-800-sale now.

[Michael Rappaport]

All right, HMS podcast time again. I'll let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Check out the Desert Ridge Improv on Thursday to see the Shindig show with Jimmy Shin. And special has Tom Arnold as well as Kristen Key Friday through Sunday. Stand Up Live has funny man Tony Baker Friday and Saturday. And the Tempe Improv features Dan Levy on Thursday and the brilliant Frank Caliendo on Sunday. For the complete lineups and for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com then.

[John Holmberg]

I'm watching the news a little bit, and I saw a thing. I thought it was a beautiful story. I'm looking at YouTube. I'm on the news. A beautiful story. A man is terminally ill. He's in the hospital, made a deal with his wife three weeks ago. I've got this deal with my dad that if either of us get to this point, the other will kill him. And he turns to his wife and says, if the doctor comes back with bad news again, let's start talking about what we're going to do with me, because I don't want to sit and suffer here anymore. She agrees. A couple weeks go by. It's not getting better. Another week goes by pretty bad. And he's suffering. So he says, it's time to end it. And she agrees. And I thought, wow. So the headline reads, a woman arrested for killing her terminally ill husband in a Florida hospital. I'm like, that's not right. You shouldn't arrest this woman at all. She's doing her husband's bidding. She's euthanizing him like you would a puppy. I didn't realize that she shot him in the head. I didn't realize that. That's how she did that. She walked back into the hospital with a gun and exploded the man's head. No pillow. He's externally ill. It's not like you needed to really violently kill him. She shot him in the head. And then I'm like, okay, arrest that woman. She's insane. This is not how you pull the terminally ill love, compassionate death move euthanasia.

[Eric Bryan]

She probably doesn't have the strength to smother.

[John Holmberg]

Look, she's got the strength to smother drugs.

[Eric Bryan]

It's cheaper.

[John Holmberg]

You could get an ant pile and put it on a pillow and that guy's not getting up. He's terminally ill. You don't even have to push down on the pillow. Just put it over his face. No, she snuck a gun into the hospital and put one in his head. Yeah. It wasn't a silencer. This was not a Bruce Willis movie that she went. And he's bleeding out all over the place.

[Eric Bryan]

She probably needs stitches on her forehead.

[John Holmberg]

Doctors are coming in.

[Brett]

What the is going on?

[Doug King]

He didn't feel well.

[John Holmberg]

Holy Jesus, lady. You could have been a little more peaceful with this.

[Eric Bryan]

What's with the old lady in the 12 gauge?

[Doug King]

I'm just gonna visit my husband one more time.

[John Holmberg]

I don't think you can have. I just let her have it. I don't think she can control it.

[Doug King]

You know I love you and I would do anything for you.

[John Holmberg]

Please put me out of my misery. Take the pillow.

[Doug King]

And now this is better.

[Stefan]

She was 76.

[John Holmberg]

76 years old. Walked in there and. That's enough of you. See ya. Man, it's like Old Yeller. Like these people came out of the. I put them in the pen and shoot him. Arlis had to shoot Old Yeller in the hospital.

[Eric Bryan]

That one was ready. The one in Iowa was not. The 66 year old woman. Did you hear about this? She's at the hospice facility like she's dead. Take her to the funeral home.

[John Holmberg]

Whoops.

[Eric Bryan]

Get her over there. The director of the funeral home comes over there.

[John Holmberg]

All of a sudden, she takes a breath. Oh, boy.

[Eric Bryan]

Ten thousand dollar fine. That's it.

[John Holmberg]

Sure. Yeah. You can make a mistake.

[Eric Bryan]

Wheeler, back to hospice.

[John Holmberg]

You know, this lady on the news here has a solution for all that.

[Doug King]

Don't wake up. From the way I put them down.

[Stefan]

She probably broke a hip on herself when she fired that gun. 76?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I mean, my hands are hot. Yeah. That was a murder. That's just flat murder.

[Eric Bryan]

It's legal. She had old man license. She went and applied for a tag Person limit.

[John Holmberg]

She's in a blind across the hall.

[Stefan]

Brady wishes he had the old man license yesterday with that guy.

[Brett]

Shut up. Euthanized sea sucker.

[John Holmberg]

I'm the euthanizer next week. That's the thing. My dad and I have talked about that. He's like, look, we have a deal that if any doctor ever tells us he'll never be able to wipe his ass again. Like, if any doctors, he's gonna have to. You're gonna have to clean him up. Like, all right, that's it. Because my dad had to wash my grandfather's ass. And he said it wasn't. He didn't mind doing it, but my grandpa hated it that my dad was wiping his ass.

[Eric Bryan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And he said. He told him, he said, this is the most degrading moment of my life. This is the most awful thing that's ever happened to me. And my grandpa had polio and all sorts of terrible stuff. And he's like, you know, grew up in the world of polio and got it and survived and. And now he's laying there and the worst moment of his life was days before he died with my dad wiping his ass. My dad said it was so degrading and so awful. I never want you to have to see me that way. Like, we make a deal because I don't want you to see me that way. Nobody's wiping my ass unless it's like, you know, I got two broken legs and I'll get better. That's different. If the doctor's like, this is the way it is forever. Every day, you're going to have to scrub off all that yoo hoo from his thighs. You know, he's going to have yoo thighs for the rest of his life. He's been diagnosed with yoo hoo thighs. And my dad's like, put a pillow over my. We've discussed how we would do it. We discussed, like, if there's a plug to keep me alive, unplug it. He's take the chances. And he said, both of us have agreed we'd take our chances going to jail. Never once did we say, come in here and put a little lead in my forehead. Just ended as violently as possible. And make sure that it's a loud sound that scares the others. It's just as fast and as loud as you can make it.

[Eric Bryan]

No, my dad is really close on that level. And I don't think there's any one of us one. I think it's tougher because he's just. He's mentally sharp, but you know, I haven't had to do the wiping. I've had to dress him certain enough where he can't do that. And it's just, you know. Yeah, it's weird and. But I don't think my mom could do it.

[John Holmberg]

Even shoot your dad in the head.

[Eric Bryan]

Not that way, but.

[John Holmberg]

Yes.

[Eric Bryan]

Smothering, like you're talking about, like you.

[John Holmberg]

No problem. It's. It's a hard thing. She's.

[Eric Bryan]

She's farm strong. She might be able to.

[John Holmberg]

And I. Yeah, your mom's. Your mom's strong, and she grew up in the Midwest. There's been some murders involved, you know, with animals. And so you get used to it after years when you realize how. How. What a beautiful act it actually is to your pets to say, I don't want to see you suffer anymore. I don't want to watch you lay in your own filth. I don't want to. And we do a nice thing for.

[Stefan]

Them, but doing it yourself is a completely different right.

[John Holmberg]

And shooting them is not an option.

[Eric Bryan]

That's where Kovorkian. Swinging back around people are like, oh, it's. Let's make this legal.

[John Holmberg]

There are only a small group of people who aren't for that. And you don't have to do it. Like, it's not something you have to do. If you want to sit and lay there and try to survive the worst and have people wiping you, have at.

[Eric Bryan]

It, because it's now on you more so than, you know, letting a family member. Even though you're feeling like I'm doing the right thing, they still have to live with.

[John Holmberg]

They have to live with it, and then they have to, you know, prosecute it and all that because it's against the law. We should have the, you know, euthanize me rule. You know, they have that. You know, you can pull the plug or. I don't want to be kept alive on these things. But the thing where it's just like, I'm terminally ill and I'm still just laying here, or, you know, the people have terrible arthritis or Lou Gehrig's that can't. You can't do anything about it, and they're just laying there being miserable. I. Horrible. They should have that fed.

[Eric Bryan]

Being fed.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. It shouldn't be on the. It should be like Dr. Fixler from Happy Endings. It should be a guy that comes in and says, you're making a good decision. I know this is really hard, and it's not easy, but certainly better than going in there and knocking the old man out with a bullet, messy, and then somebody slop. Got to go in there and clean up all those brains. What was that?

[Eric Bryan]

You're the one that follows up to that room. You're the next.

[John Holmberg]

You're there. Yeah, yeah.

[Eric Bryan]

We got one bed open.

[Doug King]

Now he's gone. Something's gone wrong. I think we lost him.

[John Holmberg]

I know what happened. We heard it, lady.

[Doug King]

No, his head just blew up.

[John Holmberg]

I didn't do anything.

[Eric Bryan]

I think there's some china in the corner. Someone broke a teacup. No, that's Skull.

[Doug King]

I dropped a coffee pot and his head exploded.

[John Holmberg]

It's not what that noise was. We know what you did. Where's the gun?

[Doug King]

I know what you're talking about.

[John Holmberg]

I gotta go. But, yeah, they have chunks of the old man laying around. They gotta scoop them up. That's not the way. That's not peaceful. That's not loving. But that headline, I was like, oh, poor old lady. What a beautiful story. I find out she sneaks a gun in and plugs him. So Italian. Yeah, that's the orderly that had to come and go, Lady, I would have helped you unplug him or suffocate him or something. You. Now I gotta clean up brains, JFK all over the room.

[Stefan]

Now, my dad said that he goes, one of these days, if I get too bad, I'm just gonna do it myself right here at the kitchen table. No, I gotta clean this up. And he goes, all right, I'll go in the backyard, Mike. Okay, well, that. I can handle it off.

[John Holmberg]

Does he have a pool?

[Stefan]

No, he doesn't have a pool.

[John Holmberg]

Shoot, that's what I always thought would be a good idea.

[Stefan]

Don't drown yourself.

[John Holmberg]

Well, no, no, no. Go ahead. Gun it in the pool.

[Stefan]

Oh, damn. That's not a bad idea, then.

[John Holmberg]

Just floats around, drain it out for a little bit. I mean, the problem with that is. You ever have an umbrella and a windstorm going on?

[Eric Bryan]

This guy has a rough week.

[John Holmberg]

Randy, my guy be like, hey, there's a body in there. Yeah, I know. I'm aware of it. Scoop it out, man. What do I pay you for?

[Stefan]

Bill Murray thought he had a bad with the Baby Ruth in the pool.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, maybe the pool's not a good idea, because trying to. I tried to get an umbrella out of the pool once, and it was like pulling up. The Titanic, I think, was £7,000 in there. For some reason, it was open. You couldn't close it upside down. And I'm trying to pull this umbrella out, and it's. It was like taking all the water out of the pool. So maybe a dead body getting pulled out of the pool isn't as easy as I think. Yeah.

[Stefan]

We usually don't pull them out of.

[John Holmberg]

The water once they're in there. That's true. Put a pool. Yeah.

[Stefan]

Let's fill it in from.

[John Holmberg]

That's a good point. I didn't think about your ass. He would float, right? You can get him out of there. Well, he didn't. Rocks in his pockets on the. You know, like. Like, you know, he's an Italian, so he's going to put rocks under blocks. That's what he's trained to do. Feet are tired.

[Eric Bryan]

Wait a second. Take your shoes off.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Tie the cinder blocks to your feet. What? You've never done this before?

[Stefan]

What are you, new? Come on.

[John Holmberg]

Come on, kid. You would train better. Yeah. Anyway, just don't make it sloppy, that's all. It's a terrible, terrible thing to do. But if you're terminally ill, I get it. Totally.

[Dick Toledo]

I don't want that.

[John Holmberg]

This show does itself. Today. It's going to be easy. Michael Rappaport is going to come in here about 8:15, 8:20. We'll chat with him for a little while. He's great. He's performing. I think he's at CB Live. Maybe 10pm Probably. I'm not sure yet. And then Frank's coming on. Caliento is going to do the Squares with us today. Guys, we don't have anything to do. Get through this prager report and the show starts doing itself.

[Eric Bryan]

I'm going to head to Montana and get a free balloon.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And I don't know what that is. We'll get into that in a second, too. This Chinese balloon is making everybody nervous. And then the worst part about the Chinese balloon is everybody's going, we're not gonna do anything.

[Eric Bryan]

Don't touch it.

[John Holmberg]

Don't touch it. Don't touch it. Like what? Do me. There's a ton of them you don't even know about. We'll talk about the Chinese balloon in a second. Give us a wake up song. 585-9800. That's the phone number. You wake us up good and strong. It's 98 KUPD. Wake up. Hey, it's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually.

[Eric Bryan]

No membership fee.

[John Holmberg]

I have heard enough of this.

[Dick Toledo]

You've been listening to Holmberg's Morning Sickness Podcast, brought to you by our friends.

[John Holmberg]

At Eric's Family Barbecue in Avondale. Meat, mesquite, Repeat. Eric's familybbq. Com.