02-03-25 - BR - MON - Its Natl Missing Persons Day - Rolling Stone Paint It Black Had Typo - Virgin's Mother Angry That OF Girl Bonnie Blue Took Son's Virginity - Bret Video Sparks Rant On Math

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona Episode Summary: February 3, 2025

Holmberg's Morning Sickness on Arizona’s #1 Morning Radio Show, hosted by John Holmberg alongside Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo, delivers a mix of humor, sharp commentary, and engaging discussions. This episode, released on February 3, 2025, delves into topics ranging from sports marketing flaws to bizarre news stories and educational rants. Below is a detailed summary of the episode's key segments.

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1. WNBA Marketing Woes and Sophie Cunningham's Departure

Timestamp: [00:35] - [02:21]

John Holmberg opens the discussion by addressing listener emails about Sophie Cunningham, highlighting the poor marketing of the WNBA. He asserts that the majority of his listeners haven’t even watched a WNBA game yet are still invested in Sophie Cunningham's career moves.

Notable Quote:

"All you guys emailing me are sad that Sophie Cunningham isn't staying. And probably 90% of you have never watched the WNBA game. But you know her."
— John Holmberg [00:35]

Brett Vesely humorously admits, "I haven't." [01:03], reinforcing the disconnect between fan interest and actual viewership.

Holmberg further criticizes the WNBA's presentation, particularly the three-on-three format, questioning how the teams achieve such high scoring despite fewer players on the court.

Notable Quote:

"These ladies are fun to watch. A three on three thing actually like this is pretty entertaining."
— John Holmberg [02:14]

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2. The Brady Report: National Missing Persons Day and Golden Retriever Day

Timestamp: [06:14] - [08:31]

Brady Bogen introduces the Brady Report, starting with a somber note on National Missing Persons Day. The hosts engage in a darkly humorous conversation about the grim reality that most missing persons are deceased, mocking the lack of effective search strategies.

Notable Quote:

"If you're a missing person and you're listening. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. If you're a missing person and you're listening to this right now, just remind you how sad things are."
— John Holmberg [07:04]

They also touch upon National Golden Retriever Day, though this segment remains brief amidst the heavier discussion.

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3. Rolling Stone's "Paint It Black" Typo

Timestamp: [09:24] - [10:11]

The conversation shifts to music, specifically Rolling Stone’s accidental comma in the title "Paint It Black," which sparked confusion over potential racial connotations.

Notable Quote:

"The comma is making people think there might be a negative racial connotation."
— Brady Bogen [09:35]

Holmberg humorously critiques the confusion caused by the typo, likening it to other song title alterations.

---

4. Super Bowl Party Spending Trends

Timestamp: [12:33] - [15:04]

Brady discusses recent reports on Super Bowl party spending, noting a decrease in costs for hosting. Topics include:

• Party Essentials: Lower prices on items like beef and broccoli for dips.
• TV Screen Sizes: A significant portion of people prefer not to exceed 65-inch TVs for their homes.

Notable Quote:

"If you're buying a TV for their house... They won't go bigger than 65 for their own home."
— Brady Bogen [13:19]

Holmberg shares a personal anecdote about helping a friend transport a massive 108-inch television, humorously highlighting the impracticality of overly large screens.

---

5. Bonnie Blue's OnlyFans World Record

Timestamp: [15:47] - [17:57]

The hosts discuss Bonnie Blue, an OnlyFans star from Australia, who claimed a controversial world record by engaging with 1,057 men. The conversation humorously critiques her actions and the ensuing media attention.

Notable Quote:

"She's the new Houston... I think she's gonna drown in semen if she keeps it up before she's 45."
— John Holmberg [16:57]

Brady adds a satirical perspective on Bonnie Blue’s notoriety, while Bret Vesely expresses mild disappointment.

---

6. 7-Eleven Banana Assault Incident

Timestamp: [19:42] - [20:58]

Brady reports on a bizarre incident where Caltavia Turner, a 22-year-old, assaulted a 30-year-old 7-Eleven clerk by throwing a banana at her during a verbal altercation.

Notable Quote:

"To beat somebody with a banana, I think I'd take that beating. I don't think that's gonna hurt too badly."
— John Holmberg [20:50]

The hosts laugh over the absurdity of the situation, noting the minor injuries but emphasizing that it still constitutes assault.

---

7. Million Dollar Matchmaking Scam

Timestamp: [20:58] - [23:22]

Brady unveils a new, suspicious matchmaking service called Three Day Rule, which promises to find clients a suitable match for a hefty fee of $1 million. The hosts critically analyze the service, dubbing it akin to human trafficking and questioning its legitimacy.

Notable Quote:

"It's called human trafficking."
— John Holmberg [21:15]

They mock the service’s promises, suggesting it’s a front for unethical practices, and joke about its dubious methods.

---

8. Kids' Math Grades and Educational Rants

Timestamp: [23:22] - [34:55]

A significant portion of the episode features a heated and humorous debate about the importance of math grades for children. Holmberg and his co-hosts discuss the struggles with algebra, comparing it unfavorably to consumer math and expressing frustration over educational standards.

Notable Quotes:

"Consumer math. Give me a checkbook. Let me make change. You get those straight A's, she gets into college easier."
— John Holmberg [28:17]

"Algebra is designed to weed out the kids who aren't going to be in math."
— John Holmberg [34:14]

The segment includes playful insults towards individuals struggling with math, light-hearted insults, and a general mockery of strict educational practices, emphasizing the hosts’ disdain for complex math subjects.

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9. Final Remarks and Humor

Timestamp: [34:55] - [35:15]

The episode concludes with the hosts wrapping up the math segment, continuing their light-hearted banter and humorous critiques of educational systems, leaving listeners with laughs and a sense of camaraderie.

Notable Quote:

"Why is there an R in this? Well, do it to find out the R to what is the D? Minus the 2 over 5? None of this."
— John Holmberg [34:12]

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Concluding Insights

Throughout the episode, Holmberg's Morning Sickness blends humor with sharp social commentary, tackling a variety of topics from sports marketing inefficiencies and bizarre news stories to critiques of educational practices. The hosts maintain an engaging and entertaining dynamic, ensuring that listeners are both informed and amused. Notable for their candid and often irreverent humor, John Holmberg and his co-hosts deliver a lively and memorable morning show experience.

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Tune In: For more engaging discussions and entertaining banter, listen to Holmberg's Morning Sickness weekdays from 5:30 AM to 10:00 AM on 98 KUPD (97.9 FM), the 98 KUPD app, or www.98kupd.com.

Transcript

[Dick Toledo]

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[John Holmberg]

Still streaming Homberg's morning sickness online at 98kupd.com I think all the people that are emailing about Sophie Cunningham is proof that I was right about the marketing for the WNBA being so poor. All you guys emailing me are sad that Sophie Cunningham isn't staying. And probably 90% of you have never watched the WNBA game. But you know her.

[Brett Vesely]

I haven't.

[John Holmberg]

And you know her, right?

[Brett Vesely]

Absolutely.

[John Holmberg]

And if I told you, hey, Sophie Cunningham wants to have drinks with us after the game, but we got to go to the game. You'd go?

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

See, Yeah. I was almost to the point where we could arrange that.

[Brett Vesely]

Damn it.

[John Holmberg]

Just came into the Rah Rah room the other night. Hey, John. Like, this is a good moment for me. And she was traded the next day. Maybe that's why.

[Brett Vesely]

Maybe you're the mush.

[John Holmberg]

She's like, I gotta get outta here. This guy's eyeballing. He thinks we're gonna have drinks. But me and Kevin Ray was. Kevin Ray was my. When I got to North Road, she didn't stop at the table or think, hey, John. It was just, you know, she knew me and I took pride as a man who hates girls basketball and saying, Sophie Cunningham knows me. She could have been the cornerstone to click me over. I will say this, and I've said this from the beginning again, it's not about girls basketball, although it's a terrible product. It's about the presentation of that girls basketball. This three on three thing they got going on. It's fun. They're scoring 85 points a game in a full court game with three on three. I don't know how they're doing that. I don't know how they're outscoring regular WNBA games with five people. And I guess I do. The more options, the more bad passes.

[Brady]

Too crowded?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it gets a little congested. The Ball pops up and starts running all over the place. So I guess you limit the amount of people pretty good. If they lowered that rim, that three on three thing would be like the way women's tennis, it's a little bit less than men's tennis as far as time as many sets and you know, it takes two out of three rather than three out of five and it's more.

[Brady]

Don't they do it for volleyball? For what they lower the net and you see some just amazing.

[John Holmberg]

Maybe chicks and volleyball are pretty damn tall, but the dudes are like six, eight. See, I don't know. Maybe. But either way, suck it back a little bit. And these ladies are fun to watch. A three on three things actually like this is pretty entertaining. Like these, it moves a little differently and it seems like they're able to not ram into the other. Taking two off the court at any given time seems to be the answer. He scored 85 points. We haven't done that with five people in 28 years. Less tumbling and nobody's tripping over each other. There's no like, you know, you can actually post up without somebody ramming into the two of you. Selfie and no. To answer the questions that I've been getting. She has not taken me up on my offer yet of paying her annual salary just to stay here and quit the WNBA and still do broadcasting with the Suns. What I'd pay like a year's salary. $45,000 maybe. Maybe he'd trip in on that. Wouldn't he trip and kick in for that if you showed him her Instagram. Done. Yeah. Adam says the reason that old guys aren't mad at music like our dads were is because they don't have any good drugs. They're all on Ritalin. What we need to bring back for the music world to piss off the old man. Whiskey, heroin and cocaine. That is a fact because Most of the 80s was cocaine fueled music with a lot of drinking. A lot of the 60s and 70s was heroin and pop. Now Xanax, Ritalin, they're all like relaxed. Nobody's. We had rock and roll, ozzy eating bat heads like Brett said. We had all that weird stuff. Like we were even shocked by what is going on. Then the music came out. It was just. Your parents would put their hands over their ears. This is just noise. Then the 90s rolled around the rap that scared the hell out of everybody. And that's the natural progression of good music, is that the next generation covers their ears. What is this? Now we're Just bored by it. Kirby's music. You go in there and listen to Tyler, the creator. You're not asking her to turn it down. You're like, what are you? This is boring. It's the ultimate sin musically to be dull.

[Brady]

It is interesting because she likes both. I mean, she'll go into, you know.

[John Holmberg]

Music that we would like, sure, but new music?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

There's a reason why I think our.

[Dick Toledo]

Kids, like you say that she's into that. I don't think they are. I think they do that to appease us.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Phases, too. Everybody go. Everybody our age went through the Led Zeppelin years, even though it was 20 years we were. Everybody goes to that classic rock thing. But, yeah, the new music, just a drag. You never know. This one says, I want to wish Brady a belated happy birthday. And not because I care, but I want to shout out for my own, I'm 45 today, and you guys have made my morning since 2003. Felice Coupliano's pop Pop signed Edgar the Birthday Man. It's a pretty good thing. Should we do the other one now, or is it.

[Brett Vesely]

No, we gotta wait.

[John Holmberg]

Too early. All right. Got another one.

[Brady]

Edgar the birthday.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, Edgar the Kooplianos hombre. More like that. El cubliam yos hombre. The birthday man sounds like a murderer. It's time for Brady to give you all the news that only Brady knows. We call this the Brady Report. Brady reporter.

[Brady]

Good Monday morning to you, Phoenix. Hello, world. Happy National Missing Persons Day.

[John Holmberg]

How do they know?

[Brady]

They don't, so that's almost insulting.

[John Holmberg]

Like, if you're a missing person and you're listening. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. If you're a missing person and you're listening to this right now, just remind you how sad things are. Maybe they'll find me today.

[Brady]

It's also National Golden Retriever Day.

[John Holmberg]

Also, hate to break it to you, most missing people are dead, and we know it.

[Dick Toledo]

They find one, every one.

[John Holmberg]

No one ever has the let's go look for the missing person party where everyone's looking up.

[Brady]

That one's on purpose.

[John Holmberg]

No one's looking in the treetops for the missing person. We're always looking down for some evidence of a tooth or a femur. Nobody's ever looking for a missing person. Eyes, you know, on the horizon.

[Brett Vesely]

I never do.

[John Holmberg]

Of course not. Brett knows better than anybody most missing people are down by your feet. Sorry, if you're looking for a missing person right now, but you may be looking too high.

[Brady]

That's all couple of baseless fun facts. Ouch. The same.

[John Holmberg]

I know it probably hurt. Look, I'm not offending that many people. I can take the hit on this.

[Brady]

One if there's not zero.

[John Holmberg]

Look, no, no, nothing's ever zero, Rick. But if like a gaggle of people like that march in LA yesterday starts walking down the road, how dare you? I'm like, Jesus. A lot more missing people than I thought. But again, same advice applies.

[Brady]

Well, if they all gather. Hey, we found them.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. If you're looking horizon line, you're overshooting by about five and a half feet. Look down, kick the high grass.

[Brady]

The same husband and wife duo, Neil Marlins and Carol Black created three hit TV shows back to back. Growing Pains, the Wonder Years, and Ellen. The sitcom, not the talk show.

[John Holmberg]

That's a pretty good run.

[Dick Toledo]

I thought Ellen only lasted like a season.

[John Holmberg]

The TV show. No, it was a monumental smash. And also.

[Dick Toledo]

Really?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

One with Richard Lewis was not the one where.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, no. That was any. That was Jamie Lee Curtis. You're confusing Ellen and Jamie Lee Curtis. Never been said before. Never at all. I think we can say the happy birthday to our friend.

[Brett Vesely]

I was just told that friend may be in meetings until 9.

[John Holmberg]

He just text me, said, Hey, 40 today. Happy birthday to our buddy Winston. His lady India has told us, say happy birthday to Winston today. Winston is the big four zero. Happy birthday, Winston. 40. Go get your sugars checked. We talked about it this weekend. Make sure you're good.

[Brady]

Only one former cast member has ever reportedly been banned from hosting Saturday Night Live.

[John Holmberg]

Well, Charles Rocket was banned from the whole thing.

[Brady]

Chevy Chase.

[John Holmberg]

Chevy Chase got banned, but he came.

[Brady]

Back mainly for being a jerk to the cast and crew.

[John Holmberg]

He hosted in the 90s.

[Dick Toledo]

Big fan of his, either, right?

[Brady]

I think it was just that that was the last time the Rolling Stone song Paint It Black was released with an accidental stray comma in the title on the record.

[John Holmberg]

Painted black.

[Brady]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, geez.

[Brady]

That made people think there might be a negative racial connotation.

[John Holmberg]

On the heels of wishing Winston a happy birthday, you throw us this bomb. Sorry about that, win.

[Brett Vesely]

Thanks, bro.

[John Holmberg]

Happy birthday.

[Brady]

When told me to do that.

[John Holmberg]

So originally it was Mick Jagger. All right. Paint it black. Well, you tell him, Mick. That's right. I see a red door, I want to paint it black. You want the color black? You want the guy painting it black. You're making it. You're kind of making it confusing him, Mick. Right. I am confusing it. Drop the comma. Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

Turned into easy.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Oh, naked ladies run around My world too, right?

[Dick Toledo]

You've never had any.

[John Holmberg]

I had tons of them, right? Yeah, we had loads of those. That was. He ain't doing nothing new. Paint it black. I don't want to be the voice for reason here, but that comma is making people think we're crazy. Quiet down, Keith. I got a great idea. All of our songs at the end of a comma and the color of the person we want doing that thing. Can't get no satisfaction brownies because they can't get any right. I'll get it, mate. But maybe not so much the color. Morning sickness Medicate KUPD Holmberg's morning sickness.

[Brady]

Yesterday was Groundhog Day. And the most famous groundhog. Punxsutawney Phil. He saw a shadow, which means winter's coming. But we found out that.

[John Holmberg]

All right, stop with that. You've done that every time you've talked about it, like. Like you've uncovered some science knock.

[Brady]

I'm not going off of.

[Brett Vesely]

We do this on Friday.

[John Holmberg]

He did it Saturday at dinner. Started to spew the fact. Which ground? I'm like, oh, God, it's been 35%. All right, stop. It's a 50. 50 shot.

[Brady]

Staten Island Chuck. And also didn't see a shot.

[John Holmberg]

There is no scientific merit to this. Oh, he started a conversation Saturday. It's roulette at dinner. You know, it's weird that Staten island and he couldn't remember the name. Yeah, you didn't. I don't think you said Chuck in the end. I think you called him probably Henry, something like that. He's the more accurate of the groundhogs. For those of you looking, everybody at the table stared at Birdie like he is 60, riveted. He's giving us scientific facts about Groundhog Day.

[Brady]

Two new reports on super bowl spending just came out. The good news is a shoeboard party can cost less this year. It's down. It's claiming.

[Dick Toledo]

Thanks.

[Brady]

Trump party for 10 people will cost you $139.

[John Holmberg]

Buy American only. Get American chips and American wings. Buffalo wings from America. Not those Chinese Mexican ones. And I get some great ones. And they'll be tariffed with $400 for your Mexican wing.

[Brady]

Beers up and wings are up. Yeah, but if you.

[Brett Vesely]

I think that's normal.

[Brady]

Go deeper on the broccoli, said no one ever.

[John Holmberg]

What do you mean?

[Brady]

If you buy more broccoli for, you know, veggies for the dips, it's cheaper this year.

[John Holmberg]

Do you need a barf bag to even say that?

[Brett Vesely]

You saw him shaking while he was Reading it.

[Brady]

Super bowl party has veggie dip. The other thing they asked about, is size matter in the super bowl as far as the size of the TV screen? Hells yeah, it does. 20% of people say they won't go bigger than 65 inches unless it's 65 inches.

[John Holmberg]

They won't go. Unless it's bigger than.

[Brady]

They won't go bigger. They.

[John Holmberg]

What do you mean they want?

[Brady]

Well, the number one TV screen at the size.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Brady]

Is 50 inches.

[John Holmberg]

That's the most common.

[Brady]

Most common.

[Brett Vesely]

People.

[John Holmberg]

People. Yeah. People are saying they won't watch if it's a bigger screen than 65 inches.

[Brady]

It says 20% of the people said they won't go bigger than 65 for their own home. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, okay. I thought you meant they wouldn't watch the party if there was a 70 inch television. Television is too large. You have to go somewhere else. That's what that. I was. I thought you were saying people would leave your party. How big is your television? Just having you over, Bob. If you want to come, you can come.

[Brady]

Yeah. If they're buying a TV for their house.

[John Holmberg]

Right. A lot of people don't have that kind of space from wall to couch.

[Brady]

And you get into some money.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Well, my friend, arc buddy Chris. Too good a deal. Too good to be true on 108 inch television. Have you seen that thing?

[Brett Vesely]

No.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, you got it.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. And it's ridiculous. But I said you're. You have a big room here. This is about as big as you can. It's all TV now. I mean, you have to scoot the couch back and it's a big room. If you had six foot high, it's pretty close to that. We picked it up and it was. It was what? Just the two of us? It's not that heavy. It's like 125 pounds.

[Dick Toledo]

Like, you picked it up.

[Brett Vesely]

I was gonna say cheapy. Couldn't go get a delivery service or what?

[John Holmberg]

Well, Tara didn't have it delivered. He did get it put in the back of his truck and then I had to help him get it out. It's got handles and we lifted it up on the thing and I'm like, you have a big room and this is max for like. Cause you sit on the couch.

[Dick Toledo]

Is it the distance that you're.

[John Holmberg]

Yes. You're being overwhelmed by television. So we had to scoot the couch back about six feet.

[Dick Toledo]

So it's like imax at Katero's house.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Except for IMAX is a little less intrusive. But if you had an apartment in this thing, you'd go blind the first half hour. It's a lot of TV. 65 inch television is big. I think the biggest one in my house, 90 or 75 and I got a good distance from TV to couch.

[Dick Toledo]

We have 65.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, 75 is a good size.

[Brady]

Bonnie Blue is a only fans star in Australia. She recently was in the news because she set a new world record. She was with 1057 men.

[Dick Toledo]

She's the new Houston.

[Brady]

She's the new Houston. And one of those Gentlemen was a 25 year old who got in trouble.

[Brett Vesely]

Not as good as I thought she'd be.

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Brady]

Yeah. There's just the, the opening picture there.

[John Holmberg]

She looks pretty. Look like the way Sabrina Carpenter is going to look when she's 45. Still pretty.

[Brady]

She's 25 and that woman's 25. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

No way.

[Brett Vesely]

No.

[John Holmberg]

No way.

[Brady]

Said it. Said I did actually sleep with him. Revealed the 25 year old who landed herself in the headlines for claiming to break a world record. Sleeping with a thousand.

[John Holmberg]

She's only 25. She looks like Sabrina Carpenter's mom, man.

[Brett Vesely]

Look, think what she's gonna look like at 40.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it's not gonna be. She's not gonna make it to 45.

[Brett Vesely]

Crypt Keeper.

[John Holmberg]

She's gonna drown in semen if she keeps it up before she's 45. By the way, I got an email that said. Did you just say your friend Winston's only 40? For some reason when you mention him, I always picture a 60 or 70 year old guy. Like Morgan Freeman. Mind blown. I can't believe he's only slightly older than me. Why is that? Did you assume that's the only black friend I'll hang out with? Well, I'd like to play basketball with John. It's the only way he and I can be competitive. He has to have a 60 year old friend wince. You want to play some hoops? I'm almost 70 years old and I'll still hoop your ass. Now Winston is a spry 40 and he'll thump you.

[Brady]

One of the boys that showed up to get involved lined up. He was 19 years old and they found out that in fact he lost his virginity in the lineup. His mother did got word of it that that's where his son went because she said he's just. He told her he's just going to an event.

[John Holmberg]

Sure.

[Brady]

Found out what the event was.

[John Holmberg]

Right.

[Brady]

And she went over there and yelled in front of all the other guys and to get out of there. But he already got through that.

[John Holmberg]

Makes it funnier.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

If somebody's mom is yelling outside the sex line. Hilarious.

[Dick Toledo]

Was his name Dylan? Like.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Birthday Dylan from.

[Brady]

You see my boy, he's five, nine, he's got an Edgar haircut. Even though he's white. He looks crazy. Is he in this line? They all have Edgar haircut. Edgar, you're not allowed to play with your AR15. If you finish this.

[John Holmberg]

Where is he? I don't want to be an insult forever, Mom.

[Brady]

Your mama's little boy come home, he.

[John Holmberg]

Stuck it in there, and that's how he lost his virginity. Because I don't think you get full push on that. I think it's like the samples at Costco. You get one and you get out of line. I think you just get to jab it in there. And it counts. No, it counts completely. He was in. He was in the. He was in the. In the hot wet. He hit the hot pocket. He's in it. But I don't think anybody's finishing. But you got to remember that as you get close, it's almost like being at golf. Land on the slide. By the time you get to the top, you have to have everything ready. So four or five guys before you. You got to start getting stroke and stuff like that going on. So the next five guys in line are just kind of throwing down. I wonder if anybody does finish and they have to stop and hose her out.

[Brett Vesely]

I'll bet there is.

[John Holmberg]

I bet you there's a couple dudes that. That kid right there maybe, but I got to give it to him. I couldn't be in a line of boners and follow that up. My first time. I'd have lost. I wouldn't have had an erection. I bet you he stuffed.

[Brady]

A 711 customer, used a banana to batter store clerk. According to the Florida police, Caltavia Turner, 22 years old, got into a verbal altercation with the 30 year old female worker at the 7 11. They exchanged derogatory comments. Then Caltavia reached over the counter and grabbed a banana and chucked it at her face.

[Dick Toledo]

Seven Eleven sells bananas at the counter.

[Brett Vesely]

Okay, you're not gonna fall for the banana on the tailpipe.

[Brady]

It hit her in the face, caused a little abrasion, but that's still assault. So Caltavia got arrested. She was recently arrested for releasing and giving cops a false name when they responded to a trespass call at Baby Dolls, which is the gentleman's club. She was found fined a thousand dollars. Now the banana charge is going on her There's Caltavia.

[John Holmberg]

To beat somebody with a banana, I think I'd take that beating. I don't think that's gonna hurt too badly.

[Brett Vesely]

I know. She just crumbled that up.

[Brady]

There's an LA based matchmaking site called Three Day Rule. It just launched a service that promises to find you the one for the reasonable price of $1 million. Whoa. It's called Million Dollar Matchmaking.

[John Holmberg]

It's called human trafficking.

[Brett Vesely]

I'll find number two.

[John Holmberg]

You can. I can find you the one for a million dollars too. I'll go steal it.

[Brady]

And they're only taking on three clients. Sounds like there's plenty of dough to get it. But the deal is over 100 people applied on one day last week. It's a 12 month program. You're gonna be. There's three clients that they'll take max for the year. It's a 12 month program. The price tag covers the salaries of three people. Here's what you get for your million dollars. A dedicated recruiter. They'll fly around the country, visit bars, gyms, concerts and other spots to find your perfect match and steal it.

[John Holmberg]

And bring you the puss.

[Brady]

You get unlimited matches with full background checks.

[John Holmberg]

What they do in the Middle east when they Human traffic for fentanyl.

[Dick Toledo]

Facts for humans.

[John Holmberg]

It's as well. It's beyond that. It's. We've been doing this for years and I think there's billboards saying please don't.

[Brady]

They'll help make sure you. You're paired with the right people. Also plan out your dates in a minute detail. I mean, basically, we'll go break it down for you. The dating coach. It'll work with you on your dates. Like wearing the right clothes.

[John Holmberg]

Question. If I hire. If I hired you for a million dollars to go across the country and find me a lady friend and she's in Wyoming.

[Brady]

Yeah. How convenient is that?

[John Holmberg]

I don't want to go up there. Holmberg's morning sickness.

[Brady]

If you get engaged less than six months after the program ends, they toss in a three carat engagement ring.

[John Holmberg]

Hey.

[Brady]

Yeah. They're only choosing three people.

[John Holmberg]

It's a million dollars and they'll find you something.

[Brady]

There's gonna be some lawsuits in this one.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, because it's bitch fishing. You can't do this. It's illegal in so many different ways.

[Brady]

Here's your job as the mask maker. You're gonna go around, travel the country.

[John Holmberg]

The bars, concerts, zip ties and some formaldehyde. And I'm gonna get you a lady. I think I Got her. She's squirming around. She's wrapped up in the trunk. Is Brett in charge of this? Your new wife is in the trunk. Don't hear any bitching.

[Brett Vesely]

You're welcome.

[John Holmberg]

She's pretty compliant. Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea.

[Brady]

No Brady videos today.

[John Holmberg]

None.

[Brett Vesely]

I'm real light. I only got two. And they're okay. They're okay.

[John Holmberg]

They're nothing special going. That's actually a nice kind of breather. A little sorbet between. I guarantee you Brett's something in this thing. He thinks his light's gonna make me feel Asian. Eating flies again.

[Brett Vesely]

Reason not to have kids.

[John Holmberg]

Kid waking their parents in bed. He's leaning over the dad's head, biting his head. He's not moving. Oh, my God. She.

[Brady]

Oh, she comes in with a walk.

[John Holmberg]

How incredibly racially sensitive to the situation. This Asian man's asleep. Little Asian girl from Squid games puts the wok over his face and hits it with a spoon. The bed in the kitchen. Maybe they edited that. Why is he sleeping with a bag of dog food next to his head? Oh, bait. Yeah. He sleeps like a corpse.

[Brett Vesely]

And then there's this one here.

[John Holmberg]

Gas truck. Oh, it's a. Gas truck's on fire, but the tank is not. Oh, that's going to be a huge eruption. Oh, yeah, that's a. That's a nuclear bomb. Look at the size of that explosion. Wow. How come the sound went off?

[Brady]

I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

Wow. That is a large mushroom cloud. Is that a propane tank or something?

[Brett Vesely]

I think so. Yeah. I think it was natural gas, man.

[John Holmberg]

And it's in a dump country where they have, like, no grass, Honey. Shah zad. Propane. And then all the buildings are made of mud, so. And everybody's outside and Everybody's dressed like Dr. Reeval.

[Dick Toledo]

The one piece goes.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And how come everybody stood and watched that and then ran after it exploded?

[Dick Toledo]

Right.

[John Holmberg]

I'm looking at that country, though. They're used to explosions. Oh, yeah. If your house doesn't have a couple bullet holes in the side of it. You didn't participate in the revolution.

[Dick Toledo]

How would you know? It's all mud.

[John Holmberg]

They take. You can see the bumps and bruises, the acne pockmarks of war, of active revolution. That little kid puts a wok over my face and hammers it. She's gonna be stuffed in a fire drawer.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

That day, I don't love anything that much that it puts a pot over my face and hits it with a spoon. Where I show that to people and laugh. They ever show you the video of my daughter? I didn't know you had kids. I used to. Anyway, she put this thing over my face and hit it with a spoon. Oh, why? What a special age. Yeah. I don't know where she is. I put her at the fire department. She's gone now.

[Dick Toledo]

She's on some millionaires watch list.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. A human trafficker. She's the one for somebody. Not for me, though. It didn't work out. I do like the idea of that with your kids. Just sit them down. This isn't working out. I'm going to have to sell you to somebody else because there's a lot of parents I see with their kids. It's just not working out. If it was a relationship outside of mother and father, they'd break up with them. Or you'd ghost them, have a press.

[Dick Toledo]

Conference like the NBA.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. We've traded for a better kid.

[Brady]

You've had a good year. I think we're at our top. Money we can get to.

[John Holmberg]

Well, that's the thing. Like, you know, you renegotiate the deal. Like right now. Kirby's good. You're in good shape there. Your kid's older, but like a couple years ago you looked and said, you know, I'm not unhappy, but I don't. I think I get a better option. I think my roster would be better if I got Kirby on my squad and then just did a swap where everybody's still got a kid trade. Yeah. You trade kids with families that also are in a situation.

[Dick Toledo]

I might trade for her right now.

[John Holmberg]

Right.

[Brady]

She says doing all right, but she got a little progress report. Grade one one dropped.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, that didn't sound like a really confident dad. We're talking C's, mostly A and B's.

[Brady]

And her math. Her math is a D. This.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that's not good. Yeah. That drops her trade value quite a bit.

[Dick Toledo]

This takes half the countries off the map.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Can't even. The first 2 billion aren't interested.

[Brady]

She must not have turned in something.

[John Holmberg]

And you keep making excuses. Maybe she's just dumb with math. That was me. Some kids are dumb.

[Dick Toledo]

She doesn't care about it.

[John Holmberg]

There was a lot of that because.

[Brady]

She'S been doing fine in math.

[John Holmberg]

So was I. I was straight A's till algebra rolled up and I'm like, well, this is not math anymore. There's letters in it. Yeah. There's words in there. This is English and math combined. And I'm not doing this. Never made sense. And yeah, I could have tried harder.

[Brady]

But you got a C, right?

[John Holmberg]

F, Hard, hard F. Big time.

[Dick Toledo]

Big one.

[John Holmberg]

Once the D started rolling and I was all A's, All A's. I would freak out if I got a B. Algebra showed up. First test came with a D on it. I'm like, I gave it my all there. That's I'm not dumb. And then the next test showed up and I'm like, I'm staring it.

[Dick Toledo]

Did you ever get the incomplete on your report card? You didn't do enough to even.

[John Holmberg]

That was later.

[Dick Toledo]

Warrant a grade.

[John Holmberg]

That was later. That was. That was Greek mythology.

[Dick Toledo]

Were you made to do it again?

[John Holmberg]

No, I don't have to. It was a choice. But I went in and at the end of the thing you go get your grade and the lady said, you got a 12. And I'm like, Jesus, 12%? She goes, no, you got 12 points. I didn't even do the percentage. Like, wow, that's harder than getting a good grade. Yeah. So the math thing, she might just be dumb at math. There's people who are. The thing you need to do in that situation is not force her to be good at the math she's in. Make her take that remedial stuff and she'll feel like aces. Because when I got into consumer math. Did you take consumer math? It was the best class I've ever been in consumer math.

[Brett Vesely]

I was trying to think that. I know I didn't take it.

[John Holmberg]

Outstanding. They just do checkbooks and like stuff you're going to use. Yeah. For the dummies in math who are like, algebra is not for you. You're probably not going to need this. I don't think we had it at Gilbert Consumer math.

[Brett Vesely]

I don't think so.

[John Holmberg]

Best.

[Brady]

Yeah. And like I said, this is, you know the weekly update.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

You got last week was a bad week.

[John Holmberg]

Was it algebra 2? That might as well be a foreign language. Just get her out of there. She's dumb at math.

[Brett Vesely]

I was in summer school for algebra.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Once they had letters and that should be more of like a weeding out process. The kids who were good at everything stare at algebra and just go, what are you doing? And then you're like, consumer math. You go over there with the other idiots and make change for the next six weeks. And that's what they teach you. Like making change and like doing accounting ledgers and balancing your. Because they realize, oh, you're kind of stupid when it comes to numbers. That was me. Everywhere else I was across the board.

[Brett Vesely]

Brady needs to get Kirby to sell. Start selling weed instead of just smoking. And once you start selling your math.

[Brady]

Skills, get a good boost.

[John Holmberg]

And you start replacing the A's, B's and C's in. Yeah, with like, kilos and bags. Yeah. Spliffs, nickels, dimes. Right. Suddenly the A's and the B's and the C's. Oh, I see. Now. The A represents a spliff and the B is a bag. It all adds up.

[Brady]

Finally clicks in.

[John Holmberg]

Now I can figure out the common denominators of things I never saw. And the worst part was my algebra teacher was from India. I couldn't hear B or D. They all sounded exactly the same. Bubble did to be. And then D. Like what? We don't know what D or B is. And I can't tell what you're saying. Consumer math. Give me a checkbook. Let me make change. I got an A. Suddenly I was smart again at math. You know how many times I've used algebra since that class? 0.0bagel it. I have never gone by a tree and gone. I wonder what the shadow length of that tree is compared to my shadow. I'm a 6 foot tall. The tree is 25ft tall. Its shadow is 40ft tall. I'm 6ft and my shadow is. How long is it? What time is it? Like, I don't know why this matters, but it cost $10 and I gave you a 40. Why would I do that? I don't know, but you owe me $30. I gotta start getting my. Why would I give a guy twice as much as he charged me? Just give him change.

[Brett Vesely]

Okay, now it's all credit cards, so it doesn't matter.

[John Holmberg]

Doesn't matter. You don't even need it anymore. And plus, you got a calculator on your phone.

[Brady]

And now with AI well, I got.

[John Holmberg]

In trouble for Mr. Downing and consumer math because I had a calculator. Don't use that. Like, why? You have to know it. And I'm like, I can do it for, but I'll be right. Isn't that the goal? Because you have to learn it. I'm like, I am through this calculator thing. Put that away. Well, when I get out of this room, I'm using the calculator. You realize that the skill I'm developing here is more useful than what you're trying to teach me? What if you don't have that calculator? Probably not gonna be doing a whole lot of math.

[Brady]

Bro, I'm a math. Yeah, I need my tools hey, this.

[John Holmberg]

Calculator, it's got, like, symbols on it. What is that? It's the square root. Oh, I'll never need that.

[Dick Toledo]

Never.

[John Holmberg]

Give me the basic one with numbers and pluses and minuses, and I'll figure it all out from there. What if you need to find the percentage of something? Ask an Asian. I'm not dumb.

[Brett Vesely]

Just gonna say, what do I look like, Asian?

[John Holmberg]

I'll go over to Tom Lay and I'll just say, hey, what's the percentage here? Besides that. The only time I need percentages for anything. Tips.

[Dick Toledo]

And I give it to you.

[John Holmberg]

And they show it now because they're tired of people trying to do that, man. They give you three or four options. You need to get Kirby out of that horrible algebra, too. And in a consumer math, if she's making change, you get those straight A's, she gets into college easier. You're just making it harder on yourself, forcing her to do algebra. Kick her out of there.

[Brady]

That grade will get up.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, no, you're dumb. You need to put her in a class. You need to rig it so her classes are all A's so her college is easier. This is the year that's dumb.

[Brett Vesely]

There's a point of algebra, too, anyway.

[John Holmberg]

None. I mean, none. Unless you're going to be in math. And algebra is designed to weed out the kids who aren't going to be in math. Because if you don't love it when you're 16, you're never going to turn a corner on math. You want to be an engineer, stick around, you'll get A's. It'll make sense to you. You want to be a radio personality. Trust me, algebra is the fastest way to get there. Why is there an R in this? Well, do it to find out the R to what is the D? Minus the 2 over 5? None of this. Where's Consumer Math? I'll take Home Ec. Is that a math credit? You might be the dumbest man I've ever known.

[Dick Toledo]

I can't even give you an answer.

[Brett Vesely]

Thanks, Kevin.

[John Holmberg]

You learn. You. Yeah. Look, Mr. Kevin, you worked your ass off to be great at math, and you're making 27k a year standing here teaching me that's somebody's not making good decisions. I'll be over here being dumb at math, pulling in a billion times more than that. Eventually, you will see, you will die in the gutter. Okay. You bet. Enjoy your second job. Calling people, harassing them about their Discover Card. How did he know? Because you've called me several times. I'm not good at paying bills either, so I need consumer math. There you go, everybody. There's your Brady Report. It's 98KuPD, Arizona's most powerful rock radio station. He said fully erected.