02-03-26 - CONDENSED SHORT SHOW - TUESDAY - Holmbergs Morning Sickness 98 KUPD

Summary

Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – February 3, 2026

CONDENSED SHORT SHOW – TUESDAY
Podcast: Holmberg’s Morning Sickness | 98KUPD Arizona
Hosts: John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Brett Vesely, Dick Toledo, Byron

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Episode Overview

This condensed episode delivers a fast-paced mix of skepticism, social satire, and outrageous speculation from John Holmberg and crew. Holmberg’s general theme is questioning the authenticity of news stories and modern life, exploring the idea that almost everything in the media is a “distraction” or part of a bigger, orchestrated narrative. The conversation weaves between critiques of politics, current events, generational quirks, gender double standards, and even outlandish tales of AI, social media, and celebrity behavior. As always, the team keeps the tone edgy, irreverent, and unfiltered.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Everything Feels Fake—Distrust in Modern Narratives

• Holmberg expresses deep skepticism about current news cycles, especially regarding the handling of major scandals and bizarre stories.
  • Epstein Files: Questions why salacious content gets hidden behind unrelated news items. Believes the release is a distraction tactic.
    • “I don’t believe the Epstein files are being handled with anything legitimately. … All of it seems fake to me.” (03:54)
  • Minnesota $9B Theft: Suspects sudden shifts in state image are choreographed.
  • Bizarre repeating news stories (e.g., man faking disability for caregivers, hospital evacuated due to WWI shell in someone’s body): Holmberg thinks media reuses the same viral stories, perhaps re-skinned with AI, to keep attention.

2. Conspiratorial Satire & The Simulation Theory

• Holmberg, tongue-in-cheek, admits he’s feeling increasingly conspiratorial as headlines become more absurd.
• Compares media coverage to “white people dancing in the Ice Ice Baby video”: Artificial, forced, awkward. (06:00)
• “The simulation is not working.” (04:19)

3. Savannah Guthrie’s Mother and the ‘Convenient’ Crime

• Analysis of the Tucson story involving Savannah Guthrie’s mother (NBC’s Today Show) being potentially kidnapped, tied to border and ICE issues.
  • Holmberg posits it’s suspiciously convenient for left-leaning media to be impacted by an immigration crime right before midterms; expects the villain to fit a narrative useful for ICE. (06:00)
  • “Guarantee you the perpetrator is going to be an illegal alien with a history of crimes who was let go under the Biden administration, and we’ll all fight about it…” (06:41)

4. Language Policing and Over-Sensitivity

• Olympics renaming “Ice House” to “Winter House” because ICE is politically charged.
  • The group satirizes the overreach of changing innocuous words to avoid political triggers: “Now we can’t even have ICE in your glass anymore.” (08:12)
  • “You call them cold cubes. The melties. I call them the melties now. Nothing feels real to me.” (09:02, Holmberg)

5. On Being Labeled Crazy—Conspiracies and Social Trust

• Holmberg’s self-aware riff about getting labeled crazy for questioning mainstream narratives:
  • “When they call you crazy, it’s usually because you did something right.” (09:42)
• Imagines his own descent into “red-faced conspiracy theorist” territory, referencing Alex Jones and future podcast stardom: “I don’t want to be him, but I’m becoming him… I’ll be all red soon.” (13:24)

6. Presidential Flatulence and Aging in Politics

• Comic recap and speculation about a viral clip where Donald Trump reportedly “pooped his pants” at an event.
  • “I believe I may have sharted. I apologize to everybody.” (24:22, as Trump)
  • The group improvises a riff about Trump’s diet and aging politicians, with references to “Big Macs” and “presidential dookie.” (23:37–27:19)

7. Double Standards – Age, Relationships, and Beauty

• Email from “Rachel” sparks a discussion on dating younger women, cosmetic procedures, and hypocrisy in beauty standards.
  • Rachel claims people think she’s her boyfriend’s daughter (she is six years younger than him), and resents Bill Belichick for openly dating a much younger woman.
  • Holmberg challenges the logic: if women spend fortunes to look younger, why shame men for being attracted to youth?
    • "Women spend billions and billions and billions of dollars annually to try not to age… if a dude in his 60s likes a 28-year-old, he gets destroyed. But if a woman in her 40s looks like she’s 28, she gets praised.” (31:17, Holmberg)
  • “You look amazing, Rachel. But don’t get mad for looking young and then being mad that there is young.” (35:06)

8. AI Influencers & the Unreality of Instagram

• Discussion on the viral “Gracie Higgins” persona, possible AI manipulation, and the absurdity of online beauty fads.
  • The crew debates which accounts are real, which are AI, and trades quips about finding and following bizarre, over-sexualized social media feeds.
  • “That’s not real. She’s not real.” (38:20, Holmberg/Brett)
  • “Why am I following this Gracie Higgins? I don’t even know what following is…” (42:58)

9. Relationships, Threesomes, and “The Hunter” Metaphor

• A listener email asks for advice: His wife wants to spice things up by having him bring a girl home (but not via the internet).
  • Byron sees it as a possible “trap.” Holmberg counters it could be a test or a confidence-boosting gesture from the wife.
    • “She wants you to be a relevant hunter. She wants you to go out and hunt again and prove you can kill, and you come back with a deer in your mouth.” (49:19, Holmberg)
  • The group hashes out the risks, awkwardness, and possible motives behind such “open” proposals.

10. Bizarre Book: Bernie Sanders’ “Orgasmic Device”

• Satirical imagining of Bernie Sanders’ supposed device for cosmic orgasms, making fun of political biographies and fringe science.
  • Holmberg does an extended Bernie impression: “Not only I benefit from this dildo, but everyone in the neighborhood also gets a piece of my Bernie dildo!” (53:02)
  • Spoofs on political slogans, socialist sharing, and sex positivity.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Nothing’s happening organically… I don’t believe the Epstein files are being handled with anything legitimately.”
  — John Holmberg (01:52)
• “There’s no way this is real. They evacuated a hospital in England because a man stuffed a World War I artillery shell up his ass. This is the world we live in.”
  — John Holmberg (04:48)
• “When they call you crazy, it’s usually because you did something right.”
  — John Holmberg (09:42)
• “Guarantee you the perpetrator is going to be an illegal alien with a history of crimes who was let go under the Biden administration…”
  — John Holmberg (06:00)
• “You call them cold cubes. The melties. I call them the melties now. Nothing feels real to me.”
  — John Holmberg (09:02)
• “She wants you to be a relevant hunter. She wants you to go out and hunt again and prove you can kill, and you come back with a deer in your mouth.”
  — John Holmberg (49:19)
• (Imitating Trump) “I believe I may have sharted. I apologize to everybody. … It still looks like the inside of a pumpkin!”
  — John Holmberg (24:22)
• “Women spend billions… to look like exactly what they think a man is a pervert for liking.”
  — John Holmberg (31:17)
• “Not only I benefit from this dildo, but everyone in the neighborhood also gets a piece of my Bernie dildo!”
  — John Holmberg as Bernie Sanders (53:02)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• 01:11–09:00: Holmberg’s conspiratorial view on fake news cycles and the simulation theory.
• 09:00–11:00: Naming “ice” in the Olympics, language policing, deconstructing media anxiety.
• 11:30–14:30: Self-aware riff on becoming a stereotype “conspiracy redface guy.”
• 21:18–27:19: The Donald Trump “accident” video, aging in politics, extended satirical riff.
• 28:04–36:07: Email from Rachel about age gaps, beauty, hypocrisy, and double standards.
• 36:40–43:00: AI influencers, Instagram rabbit hole, and generational media confusion.
• 44:04–52:01: Advice segment: threesomes, relationship traps, the “hunter” metaphor.
• 52:32–57:05: Bernie Sanders “orgasm device” bit, political satire, book parodies.

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Tone & Language

• The conversation is peppered with sarcasm, blue humor, and irreverence.
• Satire and absurdity are used as coping mechanisms for navigating “unreal” modern life.
• Language is colloquial, brash, and unfiltered, exemplifying the show’s boundary-pushing style.

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Bottom Line

This episode serves as a whirlwind tour of modern skepticism, woven into chaotic stories and satirical impressions. Whether they’re dissecting the artificiality of current events, lampooning politicians, debating social issues, or riffing on AI models, Holmberg and the crew keep listeners both entertained and on their toes—never sure if they’re witnessing the world as it is or as another version of “Ice Ice Baby” choreography.

Transcript

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[John Holmberg]

Still streaming Homberg's Morning Sickness online at 98kupd.com I got two things I want to talk about before I get into a theory of mine. And the reason I've been a bit more conspiratorial lately is because I, like I've been saying lately, I'm not sure I believe anything isn't fake anymore. Not that it isn't happening, but it's happening because it's being forced to happen. Nothing's happening organically. I don't believe truly that all of this stuff has happened organically. The Epstein files came out a couple days ago and it's a treasure trove of pornography.

[Byron]

Did you say 3 million pages?

[John Holmberg]

3 million pages. A treasure trove of his pornography. This is what should have been first, why were we going through emails where Frank Caliendo's show was being sold in West Palm before? We're like, oh yeah, also this is what you release. So it was all this Distraction, nonsense and everything else. I don't believe the Epstein files are being handled with anything legitimately. I think certain aspects of this whole ICE thing are choreographed to distract from that. Plus the $9 billion theft that happened in Minnesota. And then a certain, certain, like, coincidence that Minnesota is the place that had a $9 billion shortfall in theft that also happens to be now the. The home of righteous morality. And everything's beautiful there suddenly. And everybody's forgotten about the other. That seems fake. All of it seems fake to me. And. And before I get into anything where you're like, oh, you're crazy conspiratorial guy. Cause I got another one that I think may be tied to this. I remind you, I gotta find the thing just so I get it just right. Hold on, hold on. Another guy, for the fourth time in Louisiana, has been calling nurses pretending to be mentally retarded so he gets his ass wiped. We have a second Manchaka. Wow. So I'm starting as I get a little older to see, like, wait a minute. That's already been a story. They're just changing the names. I think they circulate the same things with. Especially now with AI that they can just go, that story has legs. We've got something going on. People will be described. They've got fourth time. And his name is awesome Routledge Deus iv. Which tells me he's been raised very low, upscale. I am Rutledge Dais iv and I refuse to wipe my own bottom. It is beneath me, literally. So I'm going to pretend to be ment. Handicapped and hire people to do such a thing. Get the feces from my bottom creases. And so he did that, and he's now in jail for the fourth time. So I'm like, all right, that's a distraction. There's another story about a little girl who got kissed by someone with herpes. And her eye fell out. Yes. It's a real story. Her eyeball fell out because of that.

[Byron]

Did get treatment in time.

[John Holmberg]

Here's the other thing. The simulation is not working. No, she went there and they're like, what happened to a little eye infection? And then they spun it back to, like, Aunt Carol has herpes and gave her a little on the face and it burned her eye out.

[Byron]

It's like the Moil who kissed the kid.

[John Holmberg]

Yes. Well, because they have to eat the blood of the. And he kissed a wounded. That whole baby hurt. It's gross to suck the blood out of the foreskin because that's part of the religion What?

[Brett Vesely]

I'm switching religion.

[John Holmberg]

Here's the other thing. There's no way this is real. They evacuated a hospital in England because a man stuffed a World War I artillery shell up his ass. This is the world we live in.

[Byron]

They're gonna sue him.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. So guy got. We now have too many stories of things in people's asses on a constant basis. That makes me think that the distraction. Flags are flying everywhere. Now we've got Savannah. Here's where I go crazy. Savannah Guthrie's mom down there in Tucson with what is now one of the weirder things ever.

[Byron]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Suddenly, here in Tucson, one of the members of the liberal left media has her mother stolen, and they're now saying it's a crime and it is a kidnapping and possibly a trafficking situation.

[Byron]

Huh.

[John Holmberg]

Wouldn't that be convenient to have the left media have to deal with an illegal immigrant stealing one of her family members, and suddenly ice saves the day in a border state.

[Byron]

I think it's someone in the office with her because now she can't cover the Olympics. The other person gets to go.

[John Holmberg]

It's going to get attention. I don't know if they'll solve this thing, but I guarantee you the perpetrator is going to be an illegal alien with a history of crimes who was let go under the Biden administration, and we'll all fight about it no matter what happens here. None of this smells right. None of it. Everything seems like Vanilla Ice. Clumsy choreography. I feel like I'm watching the Ice Ice Baby video. I'm like, this is white dancing. There's a lot of white people dancing, and it's not normal. Just guarantee it. When the smole stink comes off of this, I almost promise you that it will be an illegal immigrant with a track record that stole Savannah Guthrie's mother. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. But, man, does this stink to high heaven to me. And the timing couldn't be. You know, you kind of go to the Today show, you tap into a name that we all sort of recognize whether we watch or not.

[Brett Vesely]

I had no idea who it was, right? Until they kept saying, oh, today's show.

[John Holmberg]

I'm like, I remember last time I.

[Byron]

Watched, like, oh, that's Savannah.

[John Holmberg]

She's been around for a long time. I know.

[Byron]

I recognize.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, she's done a lot of stuff she does. I watch a lot of crime drama, the Dateline stuff, and she'll pop up.

[Byron]

I think it's a good now, you know, you know, to call your mom today if she's still alive.

[John Holmberg]

That's a great idea. Yeah. But I'm telling you, man, the. This is such a. To me it's like, of course, of course they need something else. And I don't think that they're. I don't.

[Byron]

That's a great point. It's not. Not far fetched.

[John Holmberg]

No. And there's the problem. Right. There's the thing that when I say it, you're like, well, there's going to be people who are screaming and yelling about it, but would you put it past the side that's currently losing the media fight to say we need to win? How do we do it? And they concoct this nonsense because there's no doubt in my mind that there is a distraction process going on, not only for the Epstein files, but for the theft in Minnesota and all that. I don't want to get political about it because I don't believe either side's telling us any. I don't know how you side with either group. I hate them both.

[Byron]

Both sides have an agenda.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And now this one's like, well, it's the midterms. We got to win here. There'll either be a hero that comes out of this or the bad guy is going to be a perfect representation going, this is why we need ice. Perfect. Meanwhile, people are like, Brady brought up this morning off the air that in the Olympics they're changing the name of the. The ice facility, the Ice House to Winter House. Because we can't even hear the word ice now without thinking, well, that's not. Cuz you can't have it in your glass anymore because people lose their mind.

[Byron]

So it's in Milan.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Byron]

And it's cold.

[John Holmberg]

What do they care?

[Byron]

Ice House. They don't carry.

[John Holmberg]

I'm like, oh, yeah.

[Byron]

Talk about making a spotlight on something. Looks silly.

[John Holmberg]

Could have just left it alone.

[Byron]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

We know the difference between ice in a glass, ice on the ground for hockey, and the ice.

[Byron]

What are they gonna do on that?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

So what do I do when I go to a bar now? I don't want the ice in my drink.

[John Holmberg]

Cold cubes, okay? You call them cold cubes. The melties. I call them the melties now. Nothing feels real to me.

[Byron]

Freezy squares.

[John Holmberg]

And you know what's worse about it? Like I said when I say this, people are kind of like, oh, no, there's like maybe something to that. And you can dismiss it immediately. I'm fine with that. I want to dismiss it immediately, but it isn't far fetched. Brady said that it's not far fetched. It's not a theory that popped in my mind and I'm no longer questioning when I go, hey, this feels like bull. I no longer question that. I don't care if you think I'm crazy.

[Byron]

Shut your mouth. You'll be in a straight jacket.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, exactly. They're gonna start calling me crazy. What I know now, after a few years of being alive on this planet, when they call you crazy, it's usually because you did something right.

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[John Holmberg]

Sickness I miss being walking behind Brady.

[Brett Vesely]

Back when we were a radio show.

[John Holmberg]

Back when radio was here, we were on the radio Remember that. Now we gotta do this podcast, the Golden Days. The Golden Days? Yeah. They call that the Halcyon Days. We're in the Halcyon Days. Back when our brains didn't question things. I hate it. And just for all you people who are like, remember you're talking about that to me. And a gutter thing turned out, you were wrong. I'm gonna just email back, thank God I was wrong. Because I'm also a human being that can admit that and walk away and go, it's okay that you're wrong sometimes. Which is another thing we can't do anymore. So I'll get the. I'll get the big mouths eventually if it doesn't. And I'm rooting for it. I'm rooting to be wrong. It'll give me a little bit of hope. It'll make it so. If I'm right about this, I'll be like, oh, no, now I'm gonna do this everything. If I'm wrong, it'd be like, see, John, you were wrong. You gotta pull back a little bit. I'm rooting to be wrong. I'm just saying it doesn't smell good.

[Byron]

Witnesses saw two men and MAGA hats. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. They'll do that. And then maybe. You know what? There could be a thing.

[Byron]

I can't do that one anymore. That's already been.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know. But that. So is Paul Machaka getting his ass wiped by nannies. And they're doing that again. And the riots in Minnesota aren't new. We've seen that a couple times. The last. It worked five years ago. They went back to it. It's like when the Diamondbacks resigned. Rand Johnson was like, what are you doing? The glory days. He's this. You can't do this twice. You're right, though. I wonder if the left's gonna try to get ahead of the right and go, we need to. We need to make the criminal. And the Guthrie case, two right wingers that hate NBC, and they got. And they found out it was NBC. Savannah Guthrie on tv and they kidnapped. That wouldn't surprise me. God damn it. It's. There's a. I don't know what's going on around here, but I'm feeling a pain. Alex Jones will be right back after this.

[Brett Vesely]

She got kidnapped on her way to Subway and everything else.

[John Holmberg]

They go right down the same two in the morning. It could happen. It's 12 degrees. We don't know what's going on. Oh, no. I can't believe it. It's happening, but I don't want it. I don't want to know. It's happening to me. It's. It's happening to me right in front of you. I'll eat your ass. See, it's in my head. We just offer our children up to the system with the fluoride and the water and the GMO hurting them, and we let fat perverts grab them at the airport to train them for the pedophile government. He's right. I don't want to be him, but I'm becoming him. I'm gonna be all red soon. I'm gonna be bright red. Like, they all get, oh, no. I'm gonna be one of those red people running around telling everybody that have gone crazy, but just months away from getting on Rogan. Yeah, it would be. That's true. It'd be great for the podcast when I share that. Even better. I'd just be sitting there, John's all red, and he got fat overnight.

[Byron]

Where are the men in this country?

[John Holmberg]

Where are the men in this world? What the hell have we become?

[Byron]

Rogan will say to you. I remember coming on your radio program.

[John Holmberg]

That's weird. I mean, wow, Weird. And I'm like, yeah, yeah. No, Joe, it's gone nuts. You used to do impressions. Yeah, I don't do that anymore, Joe. Those days are over. I've gone crazy. I've turned bright red. I put on about 85 pounds.

[Byron]

This is my son. That's a frog.

[John Holmberg]

The frog is my gay son. The government turned my son into a frog. It's the reverse. He was a prince, and now he's a frog. They abducted him. They brought him back in my yard, threw him in my beautiful pond. And now I said back there, I said, that's my boy. Yep, it's a matter of time. Next time you see me out, I'll be at you Fest in September. I'm like, holberg's all bright red. Like, what happened to him? Oh, he turned bright red. He's nuts now.

[Byron]

What's with the foil hat?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you know, you can't be outside the chemtrails and the Crest. If you use Crest, your teeth are gonna emit signals I can hear everywhere. Just so good. He put on, like, £90 in a day, and he went nuts worried about me. Worried about me. But I'm doing that. Like, the TV's on and Savannah Guthrie's mother in Tucson. I'm like, that's terrible. And then my brain goes terrible. It's bull. Yeah, brain. You might Be right. Why do you say that? Brain. Then Brain's like, you don't think they're gonna use this as an immigration thing soon? I'm like, oh, it's Tucson. You're. Oh, mother. Left wing media, too. Then my brain's like, go look in the mirror. Like, all right. You recognize that guy?

[Byron]

Who.

[John Holmberg]

Where am I? Who's the red dude? That's you. I don't know why all these conspiracy people start turning bright red because their blood pressures through the roof.

[Byron]

You look like the dude from Fallout.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Yeah, his nose fell off. He's. He's one of the ghouls now. Anyway, I don't want to be nuts, but I think it's happening. I think I'm going nuts. Not just live alone in a cabin. That's how you know it's me. When the. When the. When the raid comes, when the ATF has to come get me because I've dug a huge hole. I put. I put mortars in it. And they just hear that we see.

[Byron]

Him as coming out of your house with file boxes and.

[John Holmberg]

Yep, you know what, Mark. Mark my words. That day's coming. And they'll catch me like this. Like, I don't know which house is his. And then inside the house, you'll just. You'll hear one of these coming out of the windows. That's him. There he is. That's the guy. Yeah, he's inside there reading the Internet again. He's going bang it down. Just knock the door down, God damn it. He's in there. He's the red one. Bright red ones in there. I promise you. Jesus Christ. He's pathetic. This is son McGay, Frog. Son John. You didn't even have kids. I know. They took the kids from the womb. I didn't even know I was a father. They brought it back as a frog with a homosexual tendency. It's Bad Bunny.

[Byron]

Maggie's like, I'm going to go walk the dogs.

[John Holmberg]

She's never coming back. It's good as dead.

[Byron]

I can't get John to come out.

[John Holmberg]

There's a goose in the backyard. Flew over from the park. I know that's Megan. And turned her into a gay lesbian. Go. They brought it over with those gay neighbors who brought their agenda into the cul de sac. And now all the animals are homosexual.

[Byron]

What's with all those jugs of urine? He won't come out of his room.

[John Holmberg]

The milk goes in the left hand. The milk goes in the left hand. Knock on the door, are you hungry? Open up. No, the milk goes in the left hand. We're here for the urine jugs. Never gonna take my urine and make some sort of serum out of it. I don't want to be crazy, but I have started the process, so if Brady. Well, he won't tell me. Brett, leave it up to you. If I start turning red, let me know, all right? Because that's the next step.

[Byron]

It's a good color.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. If anybody says you've been in the sun. No, why would I ever be outside? That's where the chemtrails are. How's he turning all red like that? Oh, he's gone crazy. They all turn red. That's happening. I don't buy anything anymore. And I don't like that. I don't. So don't email me with your nonsense. I no longer care when people are like, you're nuts. You're right. What are you. What do you. And that's the other thing is the emailers that feel like they're, you know, Woodward and Bernstein. When they email you and go, I think you've gone crazy. I'm like, I think I told you that, jackass. Holberg's morning sickness.

[Brett Vesely]

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[Dictatorolito]

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[John Holmberg]

Holmberg's morning sickness did see that President Trump may have pooped his pants yesterday. I did not get a lot of emails about this. Here's the video. Let's see if we can. It's a minute long, but let's see if we can all hear it together. He may have pooped his pants in the middle of this thing. And then clears the room. And it's that bad. It's evidently audible. I have not heard this yet, but I've gotten too many emails from people to say that Biden term is going to be thinking of the past. Stupid thing. Stupid, stupid thing. How do you do? I'm so proud of you.

[Byron]

Hey, fellas.

[John Holmberg]

What is happening with us? Great things happening, right? Yeah, Marty, there's great, really great things happening. I hear. And some pretty big announcements over a short period of time, right? Yep. Moving drugs over the counter so you don't need a prescription. Yeah, Right. Naloxone, which treats opioid is one of those drugs. And we're being proactive with. With synthetic 7. Oh, I'm watching Robert Kennedy behind him showing up. His eyebrows just went up on addressing that because are coming up with new opioids faster than the government has been able to keep up. We're going proactive on these new chemicals.

[Byron]

That's great.

[John Holmberg]

Now I hear fantastic things. Thank you all very much. We really appreciate it a lot. Thank you. Kennedy cannot wait to get away. Thank you all very much. I appreciate it.

[Byron]

It.

[John Holmberg]

Thank you.

[Brett Vesely]

Please.

[Byron]

Thank you.

[John Holmberg]

Instead of questions, which he loves, says people think ISIS attacked everybody out. I didn't hear it, though. I want to hear the fart.

[Byron]

I thought I heard a little.

[John Holmberg]

I think I did, too. Did you? Yeah, it's. It happened on the 29th. I talked over the fart.

[Byron]

It was right when you're seeing something.

[John Holmberg]

Was it early? I didn't hear the. But evidently pooped his pants.

[Byron]

Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

I thought I heard something, too.

[John Holmberg]

Things are getting weirder by the second. And if it's true, I find it hysterical. He's 80. What do you expect? Exactly.

[Brett Vesely]

Surprised it took this long.

[John Holmberg]

I know.

[Byron]

Surprise.

[John Holmberg]

We're not dealing with this on the regular basis.

[Byron]

I gotta see the video now.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

Big, beautiful poop.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. It's funny to see Kennedy behind him that you go. His eyebrows just go up, like, oh, somebody dropped a bomb.

[Brett Vesely]

That's those Big Macs and everything.

[John Holmberg]

He eats all the time eating all the Big Macs. Right. The Big Macs are a problem for him. And he tries to better diet. Yes. Robert Kennedy the other day is like, who in the White House has the worst diet? Like, immediately, it's horrible. I don't know how he's still alive. Yeah. His eyebrows go up. I didn't hear it, but his eyebrows went up. You know when somebody in the car farts? What? That. And he's right behind it. I believe I may have sharted. I apologize to everybody. Everyone out. It's about to get really weird. This is one of those orange ones, you know, that you digested it, but it still looks like the inside of a pumpkin. You know when your dog is sick and you give him the pumpkin mix and then it comes out bright orange? I'm guessing that's what I'm gonna find out.

[Byron]

It's just such an important meeting. I can't say anything.

[John Holmberg]

I can't. I just crapped my pants.

[Byron]

I gotta imagine it'd be the first time. Oh, my gosh. Trump just bombed us.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Somebody said, Mr. President, did you just. Your pants? I think so. I think I did. I don't know for sure, but I'm.

[Byron]

Running a little rich.

[John Holmberg]

I'm running really rich. Melania got me a bowl of pumpkin this morning. I said, I don't feel well. I wasn't eating my breakfast. Like a terrier. Sometimes when a terrier won't eat, it's good to have the pumpkin food. They always eat that. It's very soothing. But they poop orange. And I think I just did that. Everyone out. I've got to wipe my cheeks. Probably down on the thighs. I'm not gonna lie. There was a big one. It either went down or up. I don't know if I rooster tailed or dropped bombs. I don't know if I went Nagasaki or straight up like a balloon.

[Byron]

It wouldn't surprise me if he talked like that.

[John Holmberg]

What he's talking about everything else.

[Byron]

He's very.

[John Holmberg]

Melania Baron. You gotta Come in here and see this. What is it, Donald? Look at the cheeks and the thighs. It's orange. It's everywhere. It's like I sat on a pumpkin. I don't even know how it came out of one hole. It looks like it's sprayed like a wacky weasel. I think it's fun and I need.

[Byron]

He calls him in all the time.

[John Holmberg]

You guys have to come in and look at this drain snake. I just threw in the drain snake. This is a beast. That's a presidential dookie right there. That is wow.

[Byron]

Out of the water.

[John Holmberg]

And nobody's ever seen a color. A lot of people say it's golden. Lot of. Lot of cult the golden poo. That's beautiful. That's a gorgeous thing. I poop a lot of orange. I poop orange. I didn't hear him poop it, but it's very funny. I didn't hear it. But it's clear that something happened because the people behind him. The one lady's fists like she clenches her fists like it's just. You know. Cuz when you have an accidental. It usually is the worst smelling kind. That ain't coming out whole. No. This one was a log. I just. I thought I could get away with the little one. Turned out I had to just have a very healthy one and I let a log out. I didn't let the. It wasn't a squirt of bread. Not a squirt. Not a little squirt. Just a big log. It would have been a two footer in the drain. I'd had to flush in the middle.

[Byron]

But I put it in my spd.

[John Holmberg]

But could have been. But it was. No, it was. Might have been a little louder than I wanted. But also a full log. Brady. I'm gonna hold my hands up like a fisherman. This big. Wow. Yeah. A lot of people say I've got the biggest one. Sometimes it's bigger than the drain bread. It's thicker. Wow. Doesn't even go in the hole. And we all know what that means. If you look at Jury's girth turds too big to go in the drain. That means you're too big in a lot of areas. A lot of areas.

[Brett Vesely]

Did you supersize that value meal today?

[John Holmberg]

I had it. I had a double double two quarter pounders and a lot of fries. And they didn't have Coke Zero and that bothers me. Throwing back to Diet Coke. That might have upset my tummy. Which is why I'm sitting in a puddle of my own orange.

[Byron]

He's got his own item off menu the big trump.

[John Holmberg]

You know, I used to work there Brady for a day. Remember I worked the Friars and that day I didn't myself. But yesterday I did.

[Dictatorolito]

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[John Holmberg]

Morning sickness. This one is great. I like this one a lot. Says hey John, as a woman that has to hear from oh that has to hear how I'm expired from Brett all the time. I like that you giggle. I want to let you know I have legitimate questions. Hold on. My ex husband is married to a girl 27 years younger than him. I was 16 years younger, but I guess that wasn't enough. And I hear you guys yesterday acting like Bill Belichick is the luckiest man alive, but you have to wonder why that girl can't get a really rich 50 year old. Because it's creepy. People think I'm in my 20s and I'm 56. No, they don't.

[Byron]

That's stretchy.

[John Holmberg]

No, they don't.

[Brett Vesely]

Send a picture. Let's see it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Detailed at 98. Waste our time with like the most filtered thing you've ever sent. Send an unfiltered photo. Come on. Says the guy I'm dating now gets asked all the time if I'm his daughter. And we're only six years apart. So why do you guys get so excited about Belichick when you can find a girl who looks young? Rachel, Here's the thing I'm struggling with with this one.

[Brett Vesely]

Go ahead.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. The Belichick thing. Thank you. The belichick thing. He's 76. He's 24. It's weird.

[Brett Vesely]

48 years.

[John Holmberg]

We figured that out. 72 there. He's 72 and 24. Whatever. So it is a strange thing because but for men, the key to us and I said this the other day, feel desired manifestation of desired support. That's all we need. We want to feel relevant. And so often you don't in your 70s. So if you get attention from somebody like that girl, like Belichick's getting, it's going to perk his ears up. Because deep down inside, our brains are still like 25. When that.

[Brett Vesely]

We never.

[John Holmberg]

We never get past that. When the human brain is fully formed around 24, 25, a man stops everything. We might learn more stuff, but we're not developing past that. We look in the mirror and we're like, who's that guy? Because who we think we are is different. But after I read this, I realized, here's the problem. She's trying to convince us she looks like she's in her 20s, right? She loves the compliment that her boyfriend is sometimes confused for her father. But when it's real, it's gross.

[Byron]

Women spend her thing of she wants. This is awesome.

[John Holmberg]

She wants people to think that it's that relationship, but when it's a real one, that way it's gross. Women spend billions and billions and billions of dollars annually to try not to age, to look like exactly what they think. A man is a pervert for liking. If a dude in his 60s likes a girl who's 28, he gets destroyed. But if a woman in her 40s looks like she's 28, she gets praised. The goal is to look like you're young and then shame people for liking what looks good.

[Brett Vesely]

Just go to Postino's every happy hour and you'll find it.

[John Holmberg]

Look, there's Botox again. I mentioned it earlier. Walgreens. Exactly. Walgreens has a fountain of youth aisle. I don't see men's products in there. They're constantly trying to look like they're in their 20s and then get mad that people like what 20 year olds look like.

[Brett Vesely]

What's not to like?

[John Holmberg]

See, I'm a philosopher. So you spend all that money and then I'll under. I guarantee. I know your argument back. Well, that's the pressure men put on women to look a certain way. It's a pressure women put on women to look. It's the beauty standard. No, it's your standard. Don't do it then. Then why do you do it?

[Byron]

What are you going for when you're, you know, you want to look in your 20s.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're gonna get mad if Brady says, God, that girl's beautiful. She's 25. We spent $20,000 on your face to get you close to that. You wanted to do it. You're trying not to look old. And you get mad that the beauty standard that you're trying to uphold is something that I might like or Brady might like. Mostly Brady's kind of a pervert. So don't yell at me, Rachel from Mesa, that Bill Belichick has done this. Yell at yourself for saying I look like I'm in my 20s. That's my goal. I work real hard to look like I'm 20 something. But don't you find a real 20 something person attractive? Or you're a weirdo. Like, what? Look at me solving problems. This podcast.

[Brett Vesely]

Preach on, Brother John. Preach.

[John Holmberg]

I mean, I'm not mad at you for doing it, but don't be mad at us for liking it or not. Us? Bill Belichick.

[Byron]

Yeah. It's not for everyone.

[John Holmberg]

What? The youth.

[Brett Vesely]

It's for most of them.

[Byron]

But that's my to appreciate or like to think she's beautiful.

[John Holmberg]

No, it's amazing. But if Ronnie. Ronnie, I'm sure has skin care products, tries not to get wrinkled.

[Brett Vesely]

They all do.

[John Holmberg]

Talks about how hot they are. Talks about baskets to get hundreds of dollars weekly. And they say they're doing that for you. But what Rachel's saying is, that stopped.

[Byron]

All of a sudden.

[John Holmberg]

People think my. My boyfriend is my dad. I'm like, it's not creepy when it's you, but when it. When it. Like it's David Foster and Catherine McGee or whatever her name is, everything that's gross. I'm like, why is that gross? That's what you're shooting for. You're just chronologically not able to do it. Holmberg's morning sickness. I'm not mad at you ladies, but don't yell at us for saying that is a good beauty standard. That's a pretty person. Oh, she's 28. Oh, I'm sorry. Isn't that what you're shooting for? Isn't that why we spent all that money on Botox and surgeries? To lift your boobs and mommy makeover so you don't look like you're. What? Knock it off. I think I'm just tired of it. I think I'm tired of us getting yelled at before everything. Did you like that? Yeah, that was nice. Ugh. Pervert. I'm like, what?

[Byron]

Oh, wait for the next batch of Belichick kids.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I hope that happens. Oh, Brady, can we pray to your God that Belichick knocks her up? Oh, my God. Baby Jesus, Brady. Baby Jesus, Brady. Bertie's Baby Jesus. Please put one of Belichick's seeds inside that cheerleader and make. Make every woman's headache just erupt. They wouldn't Take it. I mean, Rachel, go back. I'm not being a jerk. I'm trying not to be. I'm trying to, but I'm just being a realistic person.

[Brett Vesely]

The emails are flowing.

[John Holmberg]

You're yelling at me. But you. You were. You were proud that people think your boyfriend is your dad.

[Brett Vesely]

That's creepy.

[John Holmberg]

But she doesn't realize that, right? That's what I. But the email starts. Yeah, the email starts. My husband married a girl 27 years younger than him. I was 16 years younger. I guess that wasn't enough. You're mad at that.

[Byron]

A little bitter.

[John Holmberg]

But you're thrilled that people think your current boyfriend is your dad.

[Byron]

Life is good now.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. But you're mad that he went out and actually got a real one. Everything's my. It's not. It's creepy when he's doing it. But you're doing the exact same thing with magic smoke and mirrors. And it makes you happy. That's a good thing. Be happy with it. Be happy with it. But you set that standard up yourself. And then get mad at us for going, oh, okay. Well, there's real ones, and then there's you. You look amazing, Rachel. You probably look amazing. But don't get mad for looking young and then being mad that there is young. They'll drive you crazy, though. The young. So don't be crazy in 56.

[Byron]

Is that possible?

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Brett Vesely]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. There's. No. I can't. I can't. Brett's right. He kind of. Yeah. You threw. You threw stop sticks on that one. My tires went flat on that. I was gonna try to help Rachel, but he's right. He can't. Never mind.

[Byron]

Breezy's out of the bag.

[John Holmberg]

Never mind.

[Byron]

Years ago.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Those muffins fell out of that tin a long time. I was, like, stuffing toothpaste in a. I can't do it. Holmberg's morning sickness. Holberg's morning sickness. 28 KU. Holmberg's morning sickness. You could give us some of that Gracie Higgins in the meantime.

[Dictatorolito]

All right.

[John Holmberg]

It's not normal and it's AI. And. And I highly recommend. I don't know what the page is called. Brady sent it to me. Pervert. Brady sent it to me. Check it out. She might be real. And then she's got pictures of herself. Like, here's the nerdy girl from high school. Like, she's still pretty cute. Here I am today, and it's like, oh, my God. And tell me to go.

[Byron]

Are you.

[John Holmberg]

No. Get on this here. Yeah. But Brady sent me this. So if you're saying. Where did John get all this perverted. It's not me. It was Brady, and I just happen to remember it. Yeah. Oh, God. It's just not human. And that's the only song she plays.

[Brett Vesely]

She needs Goosebumps playlist.

[John Holmberg]

Emergency emergency. Aging doctor Beats. Go to the next video. Go to the next one, Rich.

[Byron]

Jesus.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I know.

[Dictatorolito]

She's a little different there.

[Brett Vesely]

This is the first time you've seen these.

[John Holmberg]

You haven't seen Gracie yet.

[Dictatorolito]

Oh, wait, it's not going on the page.

[John Holmberg]

No, it's not, but it's going on yours. It's frozen on yours. You must have gotten something on your keyboard. Oh, are you trying to get up there too? Maybe that's the problem. Both of you are trying to jump on this.

[Brett Vesely]

I'm not going to interrupt now. Are you kidding me?

[John Holmberg]

Just do it. Gracie Higgins.

[Brett Vesely]

Brady.

[John Holmberg]

Brady's the one that. And tell your wives. Brady told me about her. I'm not. What am I? What are you mad at me?

[Byron]

Mother daughter.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, find the mother daughter one. Oh, I've not seen the bikinis. Do guys still like to go down? Petite girlfriend benefits. Being fun size unlocks many positions. Our cherries are organic and bite sized. And to make up for a lack of curves, we are extra freaky. Petite girlfriend. She's not real.

[Brett Vesely]

Way too young there, though.

[John Holmberg]

Not real.

[Brett Vesely]

That looks creepy young, actually.

[John Holmberg]

Or is that out of stock?

[Brett Vesely]

Is that the right one?

[John Holmberg]

No, that's different.

[Brett Vesely]

I think it's a different. Yeah, that's.

[John Holmberg]

Somebody's abusing this one.

[Brett Vesely]

I think somebody's copying it.

[John Holmberg]

Maybe she's not real, though. Yeah, go get out of there and find another one. Yeah, the one that's actual. Like she's got two or three. Brady sent me a different one. You found them.

[Byron]

It's your mother one.

[John Holmberg]

Well, they're on there, too. You found a more perverted one? Yeah, I don't know. Just. Just start. Stop. Stop at hig. We're just gonna stay here for a minute. I don't know which one it is. It's. Is that it? There it is.

[Byron]

Which one?

[John Holmberg]

Thinks. The bottom one. All right, maybe not.

[Dictatorolito]

No post.

[John Holmberg]

No. I don't know. Somebody's stealing her name. That's Higan's. Yeah, either way, we'll find it later. But yeah, that one's different.

[Byron]

Maybe that one.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, you'll find it eventually. Poor real Gracie Higgins, who's very pretty, but they turned her into an AI thing.

[Brett Vesely]

Just. Here you go.

[John Holmberg]

You've got it. There it is. Brett has it on his phone.

[Brett Vesely]

You don't.

[John Holmberg]

No, I have it on my. Brady, text it to me. So if I ever look for it.

[Brett Vesely]

That'S how I got it.

[John Holmberg]

Because I don't, do I. I don't have, like, my own Instagram. So it just. Whenever I. Whenever somebody sends me an Instagram thing, I just scroll because I've got the KUPD one. That's the only reason I can look at videos. But I. They never go on it to find them. It's you. You idiots send me videos. And then I start scrolling up.

[Dictatorolito]

Let me see it again.

[John Holmberg]

But I don't ever.

[Byron]

There's one posted yesterday where it's mom holding her when she's a baby.

[John Holmberg]

And then they're familiar, because every once in a while, I go back to your text. I lost roll. Way back to your text. What does that today look like? Because I don't know how to. I'm too stupid and don't care about social media, so I don't ever go on like.

[Brett Vesely]

I think she has a lot of different pages, but. Yeah, this is the one that.

[John Holmberg]

This is the keeper, the paging doctor. Oh, good Lord. Yeah, this is Brady's jam. This is her doing all the Lord of the Ring characters. Oh, sweet. Right? What's this one? Grayson Higgs.

[Byron]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

All right. That's. Not to get off of that.

[Byron]

So talented.

[John Holmberg]

Show this. Emergency. Emergency. Usually.

[Dictatorolito]

Right there.

[John Holmberg]

I'm done.

[Byron]

And her mom comes in painting.

[John Holmberg]

Larry knows it.

[Byron]

Go to the.

[John Holmberg]

Go to the one to go. The one with two people. Richard, there's. There. Yeah, that one. That's her and her sister. Maybe. I don't know what they're trying to pull off. They're like eight just. And now look at them. Now look at them together. It's just.

[Brett Vesely]

God.

[John Holmberg]

Stupid.

[Byron]

What the.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my Lord.

[Brett Vesely]

There's one with mom and her.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, here she is on another. I haven't seen this one on the mechanical pony at the. Just.

[Dictatorolito]

So this is the real one, or is this.

[John Holmberg]

No, there isn't a real one. Okay.

[Dictatorolito]

That's what I was wondering. You said.

[John Holmberg]

You said somebody. No, there's people who are named Gracie.

[Brett Vesely]

Go back and go to the middle one there. That's the one with Mom.

[John Holmberg]

Rich is bad at masturbating. I know.

[Brett Vesely]

All right. Yeah, that's the one.

[John Holmberg]

There's the one. There's mom and her in 2008. And here they are today. Good Christ. Thank you, AI. Please don't be ugly. Please don't be ugly.

[Byron]

Please.

[John Holmberg]

All right, stop. Stop. Knock it off. Do the crazy one.

[Byron]

You said stay on it. I'm not.

[Brett Vesely]

I can't follow these.

[Dictatorolito]

Yeah, he's got nothing better than that.

[Byron]

Dad. Dad was down there.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, they show dad every once in a while. They do this thing where they do the. The. This is my mom, this is my dad, and this is me. There it is.

[Byron]

Yes.

[Dictatorolito]

Like David Beckham.

[John Holmberg]

She has a different dad. And, like, oh, she's making out with her dad. And then mom slapping. Yeah, that's a new one. That's a new one. I haven't seen that one yet. There's her and mom dressed as Princess leia together in 2009. And here they are today, jerking off like lightsabers. You don't. Oh, my God. This. You started it.

[Byron]

I haven't seen that one.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, you've seen them all.

[Brett Vesely]

Is that the one with Grandma and the three.

[John Holmberg]

There's Grandma.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, that one. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Three generations.

[Brett Vesely]

Maybe that's what Rachel looks like.

[John Holmberg]

Hey, look. Good for her. There they are. That's the one. The Incredibles are when they make out. They're dressed as the Incredibles, and then they start banging their boobs together, and then they go to kiss. It's so gross. So gross.

[Byron]

What the hell?

[John Holmberg]

Why am I following this Grayson Higgs? I don't even know what following is. I wouldn't put it on the HMS page, but I. That's how I scroll. But it's because of you. It's him. Especially Brady. Especially because he'll.

[Dictatorolito]

Because it's in this room.

[John Holmberg]

Sure.

[Dictatorolito]

Anything he does in this room, check it out.

[John Holmberg]

He'll send me a funny video, and then I'm like, all right. And then I start scrolling. Followed by Brett Vesley, of course. What? But I don't have. Maybe I should get an Instagram page. But I'm not gonna, because I can't imagine what I'd be doing. I just have one so I can watch the video.

[Byron]

Don't do it.

[John Holmberg]

Do it. No, I won't. I just have one so I can watch the videos. I don't want to get involved in any of that.

[Dictatorolito]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

Jesus. What is that?

[Brett Vesely]

She's peeing in her mouth.

[Dictatorolito]

There's one.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, here. I'll jump over.

[Dictatorolito]

This is another one related to Grayson. This is a nest. N. N. Still.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. Come on. I thought we had. Come on. We're work boys. Let's go.

[Byron]

Come on.

[John Holmberg]

Focus. Oh, my Lord. Wow. Focus. Come on. Turn it off. That's enough. It's only a podcast.

[Brett Vesely]

Don't worry about.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. Here's the podcast. We're allowed to do that. We'll put it up on our podcast video soon. Holmberg's morning sickness. Here's my says. Dear Brady, my wife is asking to bring a girl into the bedroom to spice things up. She wants me though to go out and find a girl at a bar or somewhere. She won't let me use the Internet because she thinks I'll pay for it. Have you been to a bar lately? I spent the whole weekend out in Scottsdale. It's just Instagram, people filming themselves and not talking to each other. It's awful. Where should a 42 year old man go to get chicks? Where would Brady go if he had this option at home? We're looking for an attractive girl in her 20s, 30s, even 40s if she's interested. I don't know how to get chicks anymore at all. Lance, where would.

[Byron]

Well, you know where I feel on this?

[John Holmberg]

The tap dragon always.

[Byron]

No, I am not comfortable with that situation. You don't always think of Admiral Akbar.

[John Holmberg]

It's a trap.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Why it's a trap if your wife is saying it, going out and find somebody.

[Brett Vesely]

I agree with Brady.

[John Holmberg]

But if your wife says to you go get a girl and you come.

[Byron]

Back with one, that's just me.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but you can turn the trap on her.

[Byron]

Guys are on the same page and you're completely comfortable. Where did you find women to begin with?

[John Holmberg]

Well, it is different. You don't do different bars anymore.

[Byron]

It's a different go to activities that you.

[Brett Vesely]

I think it's dog park. I think it's gonna be a case. Like he's saying I don't trust him because she's gonna be like, oh, so that's what you want, huh?

[Byron]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

So what then? Because she.

[Brett Vesely]

Because it's starting an s storm then.

[John Holmberg]

Sure, if the s storm will lead to the end of your world and then you realize she's end of your marriage too. So.

[Brett Vesely]

No, I'm not saying that.

[John Holmberg]

I'm just saying what happens is any woman says go buy a car and you come back with a car and she's mad about it.

[Brett Vesely]

It run depends on how much.

[Byron]

I guess you'd think if she wanted to bring someone else in the she would pick it out.

[John Holmberg]

Well no, she's picked. She's letting you do it and she made it out loud. This isn't a trap. This is a thing you can spin back.

[Byron]

I think if you're gonna do that, something like that. You're doing that as a couple.

[John Holmberg]

You think? Yeah, I think she wants you to be a viable man again. And she doesn't want to be a couple. She wants you to go fishing and come back with fish. Making it part of the shot. Yeah, it. It's something I would try if I was given that line. You go out and you go. But if she turns it on you later, you're like, I'm fine. I can still get women. She's basically sending you out to the wolves, you know, with the wolves, and you come back with a kill. And then she says, oh, you did it. All you have to know in your brain is, oh, I can still kill. She just sent me out to prove I'm still. And you're gonna come back beaming with confidence if you got one. And then she. It. This isn't a trap.

[Byron]

That's.

[John Holmberg]

That's the dumbest trap ever.

[Byron]

Okay? The reason why I wouldn't do it either is because I wouldn't ask her to do it.

[John Holmberg]

Well, yeah, but you're not into that. You wouldn't go out and find some d. No dude's gonna do that. But a woman sometimes says, hey, crazy. They are. That's what I'm saying. But I'm telling you right now that if you and Ronnie are out at dinner and she turns to you and says, go get that girl at the bar. We're gonna take her home.

[Byron]

Well, we're doing that as a couple.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, she's just saying, you go do that. I'll sit here at the table.

[Brett Vesely]

Table.

[John Holmberg]

Get her to our house. You would go, it's a trap. You would. You wouldn't even consider that in a playful way. She's got her foot under the table between your legs. She's doing dirty stuff.

[Byron]

I guess we're almost. We're almost 20 years into this deal. Maybe she wants to change things up. Okay.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but you can change.

[Byron]

Very convincing on that.

[John Holmberg]

Sure. But if it's like. If you have a little dull sex thing going on or you're not doing it that much or whatever. I don't know your situation, because it's a double.

[Byron]

It's a. It's a. It's a double whammy. Because not only you going to, you know, picking up the girl or hitting off with one thing, but saying, well, I want to bring you back to my lair with my wife.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Byron]

That's a tall order.

[John Holmberg]

Sure it is. But if you can pull it off, you're gonna feel like a God, and she's gonna know she's married to a God. Some chicks like that. I have A friend who's got 100.

[Byron]

Bucks if you come back.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's what I.

[Byron]

And we won't go through.

[John Holmberg]

Why wouldn't we go through with it? You know what?

[Byron]

I'm not doing this.

[John Holmberg]

What are you crazy?

[Byron]

I love my wife.

[John Holmberg]

Of course you do. She's the one who asked you to do it. That's why you're doing it for her. What's the matter with you? You can't just go back to the. You can't just come home with fish. And she's like, where have you been?

[Byron]

Get out of here.

[John Holmberg]

Fishing. I don't want any fish. Like, that's dumb. But if she goes. Go get some fish and you come back with fish, she can't be mad. And if she is, she's insane. Let her be insane somewhere else. They all are. I know, but there you go. Let her. Let her reveal herself.

[Byron]

You bring home the F you like, and she's like, I don't like that.

[John Holmberg]

So what?

[Byron]

You didn't. You should know better than that.

[John Holmberg]

No, you didn't. Look, you give me a permit. You tell me right now, go find an exact replica of me and let's have him on the air. And then you get mad that I do it. Be like you're an idiot. I'm not going to listen to you. You're crazy. And let them be crazy out loud. If they want to reveal themselves as nuts, that's fine. Put the spotlight on that. You get this opportunity, you jump on.

[Brett Vesely]

On.

[John Holmberg]

You can't do it on your own, but if you get the green light, sure, it might get a little awkward, but she wants you to be a relevant hunter. She wants you to go out and hunt again and prove you can kill, and you come back with a deer in your mouth.

[Byron]

You think that's what she means with that?

[John Holmberg]

Yes.

[Byron]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

You don't.

[Byron]

We agree to disagree.

[John Holmberg]

What do you think she means with it?

[Byron]

I don't think there's any. I. I just. Well, if she does mean that, that's. No.

[John Holmberg]

What do you think she means with it?

[Byron]

But then on the same side, if you don't do that.

[John Holmberg]

No, we're not talking about that. What do you think she means with it? You said what I said she doesn't mean. What do you think she means? What do you think the wife.

[Brett Vesely]

I don't know.

[Byron]

It could mean all sorts of things. Maybe it does mean that.

[John Holmberg]

It means exactly what I'm saying.

[Byron]

Maybe it means if you're looking to more or less kind of stray from the relationship or Want to.

[John Holmberg]

You know, she's telling you to green light. It's, like, real. And make sure. Just go, are you sure you want to do this? Because I'll do it. But I'm a hunter. I can hunt and gather. I bet you can't. It's that episode of Curb youb Enthusiasm where he had that girl at work. And he goes, I think she's coming on to me. And his wife's like, you can't pull women anymore. And he goes, yes, I can. She goes, go ahead, try. I guarantee you're going to strike out because you give me permission to do this. I'll do it. She just go nuts. You're going to fail. And he got all the way to, like, the couch, and the lady was actually going to do it. And he couldn't get hard because that's all he needed to do was prove it. And she had a hunter. Women like when you're a hunter, they just don't like you actively hunting on weekends that they don't know you're hunting. Matthiah tells you to go hunting, you're coming back with, like, a deer. I know. You go out and get us one. Brett rubbing on your, like, right there on the couch. Let's get a third, huh? Go hunting. I'll be right back. And some girl who looks like Cosby got hold of her. Just drag her through the front door. How'd we do? I didn't say roadkill. You're bananas. So you wouldn't go. You wouldn't do this. You're telling this guy don't do it. That's what Brady would do. He'd tell us.

[Byron]

That's what I would do. He'd do what he can meet.

[John Holmberg]

No, that's what. That's what he's asking. Yeah, well, I wouldn't do it. You'd say no, I need an adult. Stop asking me this.

[Byron]

I probably wouldn't do it like that.

[John Holmberg]

What would you say to Ronnie makes that suggestion? What do you say?

[Byron]

I don't like that. I don't like the idea.

[John Holmberg]

You don't want to spice it up.

[Byron]

Yeah, we can. I think we can spice it up with you.

[John Holmberg]

And I really want to watch you with someone else. I think it's hot.

[Byron]

What happened to you? Where's your own?

[John Holmberg]

No, I don't know. But it's hot and I want to see it. It's a new thing. I'm thinking about too much.

[Byron]

Well, then, okay, I'll do it.

[John Holmberg]

See, even I can sexy talk you into it. She's gonna do it in a second. One boob comes out. I wanna see you on top of another. She starts rubbing her cans together. Oh, it's getting me so hot now. Bye.

[Byron]

Well, if you insist.

[John Holmberg]

There goes Lincoln. He'd be driving down the road at stoplights. Welcome home and have sex with my wife. And I. Perfect. Okay, thanks. Bye. Hallberg's Morning sickness. Hallberg's morning sickness. 28. Holmberg's morning sickness.

[Byron]

Let's open up strong with a upcoming book that's coming out called Bernie for Burlington.

[John Holmberg]

Sure.

[Byron]

It's about Bernie Sanders and how he once built himself a device so he could achieve cosmos. Cosmos. Shattering orgasms.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. I built the dildo for Bernie. We built it up there in Vermont. And it's social dildo too. So, Brett, not only I benefit from this dildo, but everyone in the neighborhood also gets a piece of my Bernie dildo.

[Brett Vesely]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

Orgasms for everyone. That's my program. I didn't think of this, Brett. I would have been President United States had I said, you're gonna pay off your student loans and do all that stuff. Healthcare for all. How about dildos and orgasms for everybody? I would have been President for the next 30 years. I'd have voted for you. Oh, my God, Brady. My orgasms are earth shattering. One time it looks like a Krispy Kreme. When I'm done with you, you're coated. It's an unbelievable orgasm. I'm like a pig, Brady. I'm like a bovine. What do they call those things? Not bovine. Bovine's a bovine is a cow.

[Byron]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

What do they call the pigs anyway? I'm like that swine. 30 minutes. That's how long Bernie Sanders. 30 minutes.

[Byron]

You're like a giant ball.

[Brett Vesely]

I'm a ball?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's right. Both speaking. And you know, my I. I ejaculate waves. It's frothy and forever. That's right. Picture that today while you drink your latte. Bernie's froth. That's what I call it. It's an amazing. Oh.

[Byron]

So you ready for this?

[John Holmberg]

I've been ready. Here we go.

[Byron]

Dan Shazam is a poet and journalist. He's the guy that authored the book Froth. And he talks about how when Bernie was younger, he was a follower of the father of free love in his youth, heavily influenced by the controversial sex therapist Wilhelm Reich.

[John Holmberg]

The Third Reich.

[Byron]

According to this guy, Reich believed that liberation could be achieved via enhanced climax.

[John Holmberg]

Do you remember, Brett, when. Back in the days, of course, the Kennedys have had many tragedies. But do you remember. Do you remember Mary Jo Kopechnik? Yes. She was. She was with Ted Kennedy and drowned. It was big scandal. She drowned. I was with her sister, Susie. Joe Kopechny and I drowned her as well. But we never went to the lake. It was with my massive river of ejacul.

[Byron]

Wright built a device called the Orgon accumulator.

[John Holmberg]

That's right.

[Byron]

Supposedly collected energy to be later released in the form of explosive orgasms.

[John Holmberg]

That's right, Brady.

[Byron]

So Bernie, inspired by it, built his own.

[John Holmberg]

I built one at home. With wood. That's right.

[Byron]

Spikes.

[John Holmberg]

Was amazing.

[Byron]

And he slept on it to channel the energy into his body.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. I would sleep on spikes. And you couldn't believe the orgasms. Unbelievable. It's unreal. Picture me with a whole gut of tummy puddles. Oh, on picture. Then I called all the neighborhoods I got. Look, not just for me. I don't believe in capitalism. It's literally for everyone.

[Byron]

You were the Vermont decorator.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Come one, come all, I say yes. I decorated most of it in the Christmas time. They said, we need you to flock the streets. And I would do it, Bernie.

[Brett Vesely]

North now.

[John Holmberg]

That's right, Bernie. North, south, east and west. I'll tell you anyway, that's what being a libertarian is, to shoot your stuff all over everyone. Because it's. It's not. It's not just for the reds and the blues, Brady. I enjoy this. I love ejaculating Bernie Sanders. God, I should rephrase that. It's disgusting. But breakfast should be over by now. If you. Look, I'm not against this, but right now, talking about the things I'm talking about as Bernie Sanders at 10am Unless you're black, you should be done with breakfast already. Red laughed at that. Because it's very late. That's right. And get that fixed, for God's sakes. What are you doing? That's what I would do if a president. I wouldn't help the inner cities. I wouldn't help the inner cities with the finances. That's silly. But I would buy them all batteries. And I. Small step stool. A small step stool because I know you don't have vaulted ceilings. You get up there and fix that damn thing. These sealing birds have got to be stopped.

[Brett Vesely]

Nine volts for everybody.

[John Holmberg]

Nine volts for the entire urban community. We gotta fix this. The scourge. Then I come over and I'd be like, let's test it. Okay. It's beeping. Did you. You gotta blow on the sensor and then you're done with that. Blow on me and you'll drown in it. I'm ejaculating Bernie Sanders and I'm running for president. 2028.

[Brett Vesely]

I see that in the squares this week, probably.

[John Holmberg]

I think I burned it. Arizona's most powerful rock radio station, he said, fully erected.