02-04-26 - CONDENSED SHORT SHOW - WEDNESDAY - Holmbergs Morning Sickness 98 KUPD

Summary

Podcast Summary: Holmberg's Morning Sickness – Condensed Short Show (02-04-26)

Podcast: Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – Arizona’s #1 Morning Radio Show
Hosts: John Holmberg, Brett Vesely, with Brady Bogen and Dick Toledo
Date: February 4, 2026
Episode: Condensed Short Show – Wednesday

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Main Theme and Purpose

This episode of Holmberg’s Morning Sickness is a classic riff-driven morning show, diving into local annoyances, listener mail, the power of cynicism and questions, absurd hypothetical scenarios, and the comic observations of daily life. John and Brett bounce between rants, bits, personal stories, listener messages, and satirical takes on current events, with a strong Arizona and sports flavor and caustic, self-aware humor.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. Neighborhood Trash Bin Saga

(01:21 – 09:33)

• Holmberg’s Rant: John details his rental property woes, specifically someone moving his trash bin 25 feet to the center of his driveway, interpreting it as a “passive aggressive” message from a neighbor.
• Brett’s Commentary: The hosts riff about neighborhood etiquette and why moving someone else’s trash bin feels like a personal offense.
• Passive Aggression and Vengeance: John threatens comic revenge on the whole street—like knocking over other bins or sabotaging recycling day.
• Quote:
  • John (02:42): “Guess what? Next time I drive down the road, that Bronco is going to knock over every single trash can on the road. If it's out, it's going over. Get your goddamn hands off my stuff. End of story.”
• Men vs. Women in Trash Responsibility: Riff on how women only “take the trash halfway” (06:05), and an old neighbor dispute over recycling purity.

Tone: Petty, sardonic, with escalating comic threats.

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2. Listener Letter: Escaping Mormonism and Teaching

(11:29 – 14:58)

• Email from Andrew: A listener credits the show (and John’s distrustful worldview) for helping him leave both teaching and the Mormon church.
• Holmberg’s Response: John preaches the “Church of Cynicism”—never trust anyone who says you can’t ask questions, especially in religion or authority.
• Quotes:
  • John (12:52): “That is a join my church. The Church of Cynicism. Ask questions, anything.”
  • John (13:35): “Questions are the most important thing in life. The most important thing. And anybody that says, here's the thing, I'm going to tell you and don't question it, he's lying to you immediately.”
• Satirical Take on Truth and Questions:
  • John (14:36): “Never seen a press conference where I'm just gonna say a few things and I'm not gonna take questions. This guy's gonna lie to me.”

Tone: Triumphant, philosophical, and bitingly anti-authoritarian.

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3. Sports Lawsuit “Retirement Plan”

(18:37 – 24:15)

• John’s Satirical Get-Rich Scheme: Inspired by a fan suing DK Metcalf for $100 million after being swung at during an NFL game, Holmberg lays out a plan to retire by goading Cardinals receiver Marvin Harrison Jr. into punching him.
• Jokes about Suing over Minor Assaults: Tangents about how much different players would be worth if they punched him.
• Quotes:
  • John (19:19): “My goal now is to get Marvin Harrison Jr. to punch me in the face. That's the key to getting my retirement.”
  • Brett (21:25): “Now it just takes a swing.”
• DK Metcalf Incident Details: Dissects the incident, allegations of slurs, and media reaction.
• Ohio State Tongue-in-Cheek Allegations: Jokes about infamous sports scandals and “championships leading to... massive collegiate fingerings.”

Tone: Satirical, edgy, with sports fandom for flavor.

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4. Billie Eilish and ‘Stolen Land’ Activism

(26:43 – 33:31)

• Holmberg Critiques Celebrity Virtue Signaling: Billie Eilish declares “we’re on stolen land” at the Grammys; John calls her out for not giving her land back or even contacting the Tongva tribe.
• Satire on White Savior Complex: Jokes about “Whitey” swooping in to help, not understanding the real issues or geography.
• Quotes:
  • John (28:00): “You seem pretty happy building on that stolen land, so we'll take it back. You're right. So since you admit it's stolen, can we have our property back?”
• Absurdist Scenarios: What would happen if a Native American really knocked on his door—requests to see paperwork, chain of land ownership, and the recursive nature of land being “double, triple stolen.”
• Tribal Rivalries: Brief, irreverent detour into Indian-tribal jokes and history.

Tone: Irreverent, anti-PC, and unapologetically mocking.

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5. Cuban Crime of Passion: Cooking with Another Man

(34:27 – 39:06)

• Absurd “Cooking Adultery” News Bit: Story of a Cuban man who trashed his kitchen after finding his wife cooking (not cheating in the obvious way, but actually making a meal) with another man—with $4,000 of stolen meat.
• Hosts’ Take: If their wife cooked with another guy, John jokes he’d be relieved to finally get a decent meal.
• Quotes:
  • John (36:19): “I come home, Megan's cooking with another guy. I'm like, finally a decent meal. Oh, for Christ's sake.”
  • Brett (37:50): "Nobody touches my wagyu."

Tone: Outrageously facetious, blending relationship stereotypes and foodie satire.

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6. “Officer America” – The Superhero Cop

(39:24 – 44:06)

• Hero Cop Story: Linwood, Washington cop named “Officer America” chases a bike thief, gets a ride on a pickup truck bumper (like a scene from ‘Back to the Future’), and catches the perp—the police share chest-cam footage with “Fortunate Son” playing.
• Comic Fantasies: John invites any local cops to jump on his vintage Bronco for neighborhood chases and riffs on TJ Hooker, Dukes of Hazzard, and Marvel superheroes.
• Quotes:
  • John (40:49): “Officer America. America, the hillbilly superhero. I like that. He's amazing.”

Tone: Playful, Americana-satire, action-comedy.

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7. Michael Turner’s Phoenix Open Celebrity Interviews

(44:24 – 51:34)

• Guest Michael Turner: Local comedian and “man-on-the-scene” at the Phoenix Open, shares how he gets unprecedented access to celebrities at the Pro-Am, making them laugh in 10 seconds or less.
• Highlights: Encounters with Jelly Roll, Michael Phelps, Aaron Rodgers, Nick Saban (“the most intense person I’ve ever spoken to”), and Glenn Powell (“it moved!”).
• Funny Quotes:
  • Michael (45:42): “Sometimes when I'm in a pinch and Wi-Fi is not hitting, I just think about that moment.” (recalling looking Glenn Powell in the eyes)
  • John (48:26): “Saban was probably the most intense person I've ever... spoken to.”
  • Michael (49:08): “I was breaking news and that's... that's also how bad journalism is now that I was breaking.”

Tone: Behind-the-scenes, comedic, slightly self-deprecating.

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8. Listener Matchmaking – “I’m Hot, I Love You Guys, and I Have Kids”

(51:46 – 56:45)

• Listener Email: A long-time fan asks to be set up on a date by Holmberg, touting her hotness, kids, and love for the show. She forgets to attach photos.
• Hosts’ Response: Unfiltered riffing about matchmaking, prerequisites (“let’s see the pictures—no filters”), Trip’s suitability as a partner, and the social red flags in her self-description.
• Quotes:
  • Brett (54:53): “Well, we gotta see what she looks like first.”
  • John (55:37): “Calm down. I don't think. She's not desperate. She's just struggling to find a man that appreciates that she loves me. That's huge.”

Tone: Sarcastic, blunt, not taking the matchmaking request seriously.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Time | Speaker | Quote | |---------|--------------------|--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:42 | John Holmberg | “Guess what? Next time I drive down the road, that Bronco is going to knock over every single trash can on the road...” | | 12:52 | John Holmberg | “Join my church. The Church of Cynicism. Ask questions, anything.” | | 13:35 | John Holmberg | “Questions are the most important thing in life...” | | 19:19 | John Holmberg | “My goal now is to get Marvin Harrison Jr. to punch me in the face. That's the key to getting my retirement.” | | 28:00 | John Holmberg | “You seem pretty happy building on that stolen land, so we'll take it back. You're right...”| | 36:19 | John Holmberg | “I come home, Megan's cooking with another guy. I'm like, finally a decent meal. Oh, for Christ's sake.” | | 40:49 | John Holmberg | “Officer America. America, the hillbilly superhero. I like that. He's amazing.” | | 45:42 | Michael Turner | “Sometimes when I'm in a pinch and Wi-Fi is not hitting, I just think about that moment.” |

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Timestamps of Important Segments

• 01:21 – 09:33: John’s trash bin/neighbor rant
• 11:29 – 14:58: Listener letter on Mormonism & teaching, “Church of Cynicism” segment
• 18:37 – 24:15: The “retirement lawsuit” against NFL players
• 26:43 – 33:31: Billie Eilish and ‘stolen land’ satire
• 34:27 – 39:06: Stolen meat and the sin of “cooking with another man”
• 39:24 – 44:06: “Officer America” story and action-comedy riffs
• 44:24 – 51:34: Michael Turner on celebrity encounters at the Phoenix Open
• 51:46 – 56:45: Listener matchmaking email and hosts’ roast

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Conclusion

Holmberg’s Morning Sickness (Condensed Short Show – 02-04-26) features John and Brett at their most irreverent, weaving together gripes about neighbors, biting commentary on institutional authority, opportunistic schemes, social satire, listener letters, and Arizona sports. The tone is raw, sarcastic, no-holds-barred—perfect for fans seeking comic catharsis and those who appreciate the humor in life’s little aggravations.

Transcript

[Brett Vesely]

You're listening to the HMS Podcast, brought to you by MMP Guns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories.

[Comedy Announcer]

All right, HMS Podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Downtown and stand up live. Get out and see the comedy of Moshe Casher and the up and coming Ari Maddie. Up north at Desert Ridge, you'll get Josh Wolf and SNL's Tommy Brennan. And Eastside at the Tempe Improv. Don't miss the very funny Sam J. And more Josh Wolf. For the complete and for tickets go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com this is.

[Michael from Restore My Civil Rights]

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[Podcast Station Announcer]

Still streaming Homburg's Morning sickness [e-mail] you.

[Brett Vesely]

Got this podcast too, and I got.

[John Holmberg]

This podcast going, oh, the Mothership, the, the Monster Podcast. This bad boy, the Homburg morning podcast. Radio show. Crazy. And also I have that rental house I've got and I had to. Monday is trash day, right? Monday's trash day. So yesterday in the afternoon, Tuesday, I haven't been there. Tuesday I go there to, to put the trash thing back. Now this isn't one of those hoity toity neighborhoods I've got going on. I drive up and down that street. Some people leave their trash things out in the road for two or three days. It's not a big deal. I come back yesterday and somebody has placed my trash bin in the middle of the driveway about 25ft from where I would keep them, right? Which is just off to the side of the carport. So I pull into the driveway and I'm like, which mother did this? I don't need your passive aggressive help to. I had to stop halfway through the drive driveway, get out, move the thing, get back in.

[Brett]

You're not.

[John Holmberg]

If you're, if you're thinking I was just helping, you weren't helping.

[Brett]

They did half a favor.

[John Holmberg]

No, didn't do me any favors. They did a passive aggressive. Get your trash bins back in half. You basically Warning. The warning is met.

[Brett]

Get your act together.

[John Holmberg]

Guess what? Next time I drive down the road, that Bronco is going to knock over every single trash can on the road. If it's out, it's going over. Get your goddamn hands off my stuff. End of story.

[Brett Vesely]

Go Wilson Smith.

[John Holmberg]

That's exactly right. Get your God damn. Get my trash out your mouth.

[Brett]

People are getting smacked.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, oh, people are going to get smacked. Don't touch a man's trash bin. That's mine.

[Brett]

Now what, what, what if they put it all the way up where it went?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I'd be grateful. That's a full favor. Because this passive aggressive jackassery of placing it in the direct center of my driveway was designed as a message. It's what the Italians would do. It's a horse head is what it is. It is right in the middle of my driveway to where I can't pull the car into the driveway all the way without getting out and moving. Message received. Guess what, mother. I don't live in that neighborhood. I don't like any of you anyway. I don't care. Message received.

[Brett]

Got any, any, you know, people you think did it? I don't care.

[John Holmberg]

No, all of them suspects. Everyone's guilty. The whole neighborhood's guilty. I might drive up and down every road and knock down all the trash next week.

[Brett]

Why don't you just wheel up down the block, all of them 25ft up in the driveway.

[John Holmberg]

You know what I'm gonna do? What is it? Friday is the recycling day over there? I'll just go in Friday morning. Cause I'm the first one up in that lazy ass neighborhood. And I'll stay there Thursday night and I'll get up and I'm gonna roll everybody's trash back. Nobody gets their trash taken out on Friday. Nobody touch my goddamn bin. That's mine. You don't do that crap, do you? Wander around the narrow. I'll do them a favor and get this thing eaten.

[Brett]

Only if they ask like we're out of town.

[John Holmberg]

Sure.

[Brett]

We wheel it outside.

[John Holmberg]

Completely different. And you'd put it all the way back.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

You wouldn't put it in front of their garage where they couldn't park.

[Brett]

Yeah, remember mine was when they were picking it up.

[John Holmberg]

Well, that was the garbage man. He didn't like where you were putting it. He just threw it with the, with the truck and he got in trouble for it. We heard messages about that guy getting A little bit in trouble.

[Brett]

He's still homeless.

[John Holmberg]

Don't you know what you could do? You could put a note on my house with your name and your number. If you're gonna be brave, be brave and say, I don't like that. Your trash bin was out one extra day. So was about nine others.

[Brett]

I see it all the time in the neighborhood.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, sometimes you can't. I can't get back there every day.

[Brett Vesely]

Don't you got cameras on that house?

[John Holmberg]

You know what's crazy about that, Bert? I took my camera off to charge it the last time I was there and I forgot to put it back on. Oh, man. The ring camera's in the kitchen. It's the one I had them. Son of a. I had sons of bitches, but no sons of. I turned into the guy from A Christmas Story, too. Yeah. Don't touch another man's trash can. I'll get it back in. I've been good about it. I drive over there first thing in the morning sometimes just to make sure it goes back. I missed a day. Let me just roll this hat. Why don't you just put it inside? Doors unlocked. Why don't you just put it inside the house? Why don't you just pour trash all over there? If you got a message to send, send it, bitch. Oh, God damn.

[Brett]

Anyone else's cans in the.

[John Holmberg]

There were three on the road.

[Brett]

No, yours was the only one.

[John Holmberg]

It's a message. It's a message.

[Brett]

Get your act together.

[John Holmberg]

No, get. I'm gonna get my act together. I'm gonna light some houses on fire. Anybody says that to me is getting a square one right between the eyes. Get your act together. You mother. Get your act together. You're gonna see. Don't touch it. Yeah, this guy says, check your ring camera and see if you can catch him. Yeah, Mark, I don't know if you just heard, but it's in the kitchen. Says it was a woman, so. Women do. They always take the trash halfway and have the men do it. The rest. Oh, of course it's a woman. It's like when I. That lady that I see. You're putting things into your recycling bin that aren't recycling. Maybe. Why are you going through dumpsters, you pig? I wanted to make sure you're doing it right. And from there on, that was when the. All my dog feces goes in the recycling bin for her nose. Raw, by the way, no bags. Don't want any plastic in there.

[Brett]

Mrs. Kravitz.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

You keep. No one lives in that house. That's a rental.

[John Holmberg]

Keep your nose and your hands out of people's garbage. What are you, a hobo? Yes. That started me off the wrong foot there, Brett. Okay, jeez. I mean, come on. You go home and somebody's moved your truck. Would you go in? You go right in. And you'd say, but, Dia, what's with the trash being in the middle of the driveway? I couldn't park. I didn't do that. Oh, somebody's touching our garbage, and that's the end of it.

[Brett Vesely]

Somebody's gonna.

[John Holmberg]

Somebody's gonna pay for it.

[Brett]

Should have, you know, go back. That happens. You go around the trash can, you look around the neighborhood, the block.

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Brett]

And then pound your chest on.

[John Holmberg]

Come on. No, I stand outside. Stand outside with an AR15. Which one of you mother said this? I got cameras in the kitchen.

[Brett Vesely]

I'm putting cases on all your asses.

[John Holmberg]

I have cases on all your asses. I'm King Kong up in this mother. Yeah, I. It just. I'm just like. And I. And I did that thing in the driveway, right? Like, where you stand and you look around like, the dude still walking, like he just did it. Probably hours watching. Hours and hours ago. I'm just looking around. Clint Eastwood style. One of these mother about to catch some lead. Don't touch my garbage. Anyway, just. You know what? Knock it off, people. You didn't do me any favors. You weren't nice, and you have no courage. If you're gonna touch another man's stuff because you're bothered by it, go all in. Leave a note and a name and a number. People are cowards. They won't stand up to other people and say, I didn't like what you did. They do something pissy like this, I will roll it right. I'm gonna. You know what I should do next commercial break, I'm gonna drive back over there. I'm gonna put it back in the road. I'm gonna put it back in the road. I'll put my cameras back up. We'll see who does this.

[Brett]

Wouldn't you rather have the guy or person, whoever did it sitting by the trash can when you pulled up? Midway driveway.

[John Holmberg]

I need you to get back in. Yeah, I did this. Well, then put it all the way back. Oleg, not. Yeah, I don't know. I was ready to burn it down. Burn it down. Anyway, so then I got that. I got a lot on my mind. You don't know who you're dealing with. You don't know. You don't know who the guy's coming in. He's got a dog that's about to die. He's not exactly on his. On his. You know, he's not in an awesome state of mind. Things aren't exactly going kosher. Got a headache. I got these allergies. To drive all the way there just to put a trash bin back and somebody did half of it. Pricks. Yeah, it's true. It is a woman that's a.

[Brett Vesely]

Men don't want to even pull their own trash cans in, let alone, you know.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

What if the person that pulled the can up lost a kid because her kid jumped in a trash can that was on the road?

[John Holmberg]

You know what I say to that? You know what I say to that? Good. Glad your kid's dead.

[Brett Vesely]

You're a bad parent.

[John Holmberg]

Don't touch. Yeah, you're a terrible parent.

[Brett]

You know what they went through, Joe.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You're a terrible parent for that. I do know what they went through, and I laugh heartily at it in the trash bin. Brett's right. You're a bad parent. That kid was going to die in a dumb way because you weren't paying attention. I bet you're one of those parents that used a plastic man with a red flag to watch him hire a babysitter. You cheap C word. Yeah, that got me off on the wrong foot. I knew talking about that would piss me off. That's the way to start today's podcast, that's for sure. It's John Holmberg here from the morning Sick. Listen, I'm absolutely thrilled to tell you about my [e-mail] youm've heard me mention Kevin Costner, Trey McBride, other countless celebrities and pro athletes and how they chose lifted trucks. But that doesn't mean it's only for actors and pro athletes. It's for all of you. Everybody who loves a cool adventure. So if you're a huge celebrity like me or just an average Joe who wants the best truck available, head on over to Lifted Trucks. They live up to being the number one custom truck dealer for over 30 years. 10,000 five star reviews can't be wrong. Liftedtrucks.com work hard, play hard, Drive harder.

[Brett Vesely]

Hey, it's Brett Vesely and I'm here with Byron from MMP Guns. Look, Byron, I have a friend wanting to sell some guns he inherited. What's the best way for him to do that?

[Byron from MMP Guns]

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[Brett Vesely]

Okay, but what if he lives out of state?

[Byron from MMP Guns]

Easy. Legalgunbuyer.com and he can do it all online. It's really that simple.

[Brett Vesely]

There you have it. MMP guns. Or legalgunbuyer.com the safe and legal way to sell your firearms.

[Podcast Station Announcer]

Sickness.

[John Holmberg]

I got this guy, says Holmberg. I need these today. That's a good one. Thank you for Andrew, for sending this to me. Anything I can do to make lives a little different, says, I got to say thank you to you. You've made me a better man. I should stop right there. Since listening to you the last 15 years, I've had the courage to leave my job as a teacher. It's very real what you say. You're treated terribly for no money, and then you're asked to go get it yourself. I'm making more at a financial institution now that I work there. As a math major with a business minor, I'm now a person that asks questions. I used to sit back and accept people and their face value, and I was being let down so often, but I just kept allowing it. And the minute I started to say, wait a minute, this isn't making sense. I trusted my gut. I stopped ignoring things, and I asked questions now. And guess what that led to? I'm no longer a Mormon. Because you know what I realized? They'd said no questions. And that's the first thing someone who's trying to control you would say. I honestly used to believe that once I sort of stopped being religious, I'd lose my morality and be a bad man. In fact, the opposite's true. I do more now for charity and things because I want to, not because I fear what happens if I don't. Cynicism for the win. Signed Andrew. Damn it all. I stopped him from being a teacher and a Mormon. My work is done here, people.

[Brett]

That's a full conversion.

[John Holmberg]

That is a Join my church. The Church of cynicism. Ask questions, anything. What press conference have you ever seen where the guy's like, I'm not taking any questions that you trust everything he just said, never. If you're not allowed questions, that basically means you're allowed to be lied to, and you have to take it.

[Brett]

Unless you pooped your pants.

[John Holmberg]

Religion's first tenet. Don't you question this.

[Brett]

But, you know, made a point.

[John Holmberg]

What's that?

[Brett]

If you pooped your pants, you can't take any.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, no. The Trump thing is. Yeah, if you've got a pant load. But again, most of the time, what did it do? It made people realize, oh, no questions. Something's wrong.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Questions are the most important thing in life. The most important thing. And anybody that says, here's the thing, I'm going to tell you and don't question it, he's lying to you immediately. If you're not allowed to ask a single question, you know what, I've said this a billion times. And if it'll stop you from being a Mormon, then damn it all, it wins. One thing that the truth isn't afraid of is scrutiny. Ever. The truth loves questions. The truth loves that you would be curious about it. Fake things say, don't question this. So a lot of times, hopefully you're all dropping out of Mormon school today. Say what?

[Brett]

A lot of times about the question. Sometimes you don't want the answer or, well, there isn't an answer.

[John Holmberg]

But questions are more important when there isn't an answer, you gotta ask. Yeah, you have to be a question person. You have to don't ask questions for.

[Brett Vesely]

You know, answers you don't want.

[John Holmberg]

Exactly. You know, especially when it's, you know it's going to be real. Never seen, never seen a press conference that I'm just gonna say a few things and I'm not gonna take questions. This guy's gonna lie to me. You can say at that point, you can just say whatever you want. I'm not allowed to go, wait a minute. That middle part kind of had. I just got something that raised a flag. Nope, no questions.

[Brett]

You know how that is?

[John Holmberg]

What?

[Brett]

Same guy's gonna ask the questions.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, so truth doesn't mind who asks, when it asks, and how often it asks. Two plus two is four questions, remember?

[Brett]

It's different though, for a company. Right?

[John Holmberg]

Why?

[Brett]

If you have a big company meeting and say, any questions?

[John Holmberg]

Why?

[Brett]

I remember going to the meeting saying, don't ask any questions.

[Brett Vesely]

Well, there were certain employees that would.

[John Holmberg]

Go on, look, yeah. When it's just an all campus rocker, don't make it. So I got to stay there an extra 45 minutes because your questions aren't anything more than your pat on the back.

[Brett]

So it's got to be the right.

[John Holmberg]

Most of the time when we go into a meeting at work, the no questions rules are, this is going to take forever. The only people asking questions in this thing are trying to go, I paid attention. I just want you to know I'm here. You ask questions Afterwards with each other. Be, be, be inquisitive. Not just necessarily. Every time you get a chance, ask a question. That's stupid.

[Brett Vesely]

Now see assholes asking questions.

[John Holmberg]

Assholes ask questions. The 7 to 10pm Community College. Yeah. Yeah. Tuesday night class and at 9 the teacher's like, I'll let you out early unless someone's got questions. You keep your mother hand down and let the rest of the class leave. And then walk up independently and ask questions. It's crazy.

[Brett Vesely]

Was our sensitivity class that we had to do that one time. Don't anybody say a God damn word.

[John Holmberg]

I was yelling at everybody. Anybody wants to make goofs, gas, silly comments, anything, just shut your mouth. Take this stupid sensitivity video and afterwards we'll talk about it. But no one has any questions because it's just going to prolong this. Yeah. It isn't that you, you should always question everything, but it doesn't mean ask questions every chance you get. There are times for it, but always be care. Especially when it comes to somebody saying no questions. Immediately question that. And if it's going to make you leave Mormonism or Seventh Day Adventist or Jehovah's Witness. God damn it all. I'm right in your corner. Yeah. Not asking questions. I call it the Katie Hobbs effect. All right, now let's not get one sided with it. Both sides play the game. So true. And I'm proud of you, Andrew. Like this one. Can a man get pregnant? Yeah. Answer the scrutiny. Truth loves scrutiny. If you can't answer it, it's easy. Two plus two is four. Ask any question you want about that. How did you come to that? Because two and then you add two more. You got four apples. Just let's say apples. That seems to be the go to fruit for. For math. What if I only have three? Then you don't have two plus two. Next question. It's easy. Truth. Love scrutiny. There you go, Andrew. Congratulations on getting out of here. You're going to go much further now and I'm glad you're doing a lot more work and you're happier and you're. I'm glad I could help is what I'm saying.

[Brett Vesely]

FanDuel is taking care of you guys because they're turning on playoff mode. All customers Profit Boost pack every NFL playoff game day. Each game day during the championship round, you'll find a pick loaded with multiple profit boosts waiting for you in the app. So visit fanduel.com kupd and grab your profit boost pack every NFL playoff game day 21 in present in Arizona, opt in required bonus issues. Non withdrawable profit boost tokens. Restrictions apply including any token expiration and max wager amount. See terms of sportsbook.fanduel.com gambling problem. Call 1-800-next-step or text next step to 533-42.

[Podcast Station Announcer]

Holmberg's morning sickness.

[John Holmberg]

And I also am gonna retire here soon. I figured out a plan. I got a good plan. I'm gonna step away from the podcast the second this kicks in. I'll help you guys out with it, too. But my goal now is to get Marvin Harrison Jr. To punch me in the face. That's the key to getting my retirement. Because the dude, if you remember who got punched by DK Metcalf and he missed him. He didn't even connect, is suing DK for $100 million. I'm going to go to all the Cardinal games and I am going to harass the receivers until I get swung on and I'm going to sue him. And even If I get 20, start at 100 mil. Yeah, I'm not. I'm not naive enough to think that I'm going to get the full pull. But if I get eight, adios, amigos, that's enough for me. That's good. I can clean it up from there. But, yeah, a hundred million dollars to go. Harass DK Metcalf at multiple stops throughout his career to the point where he snaps, takes a dumb swing, misses. He didn't even connect. Just kind of grazed him, doesn't connect. And the guy's like, well, there you go. And I looked at it. At first, it's like, this guy. And then I'm like, is a genius. After I was like, I realized that's the smartest thing ever. You take a, you know, a young guy who has the world handed to him. He's never had anybody, like, push back on his life. He's had everything given to him. He's an incredible talent. He's catered to. He's millions of dollars, and you treat him like street garbage. And so long as you didn't throw the N bomb at him, all it was was words. You sticks and stoned a guy until he threw a punch. And you're gonna get 100 million or 10. You get 1 10th. Give me 10% of your initial ask. That guy's riding high. Marvin Harrison, you are my target. I'm coming after your dumbass.

[Brett]

What?

[Brett Vesely]

You got your Kyler. Nobody's gonna buy that.

[John Holmberg]

No, because everybody. The judge. Because the judge would even be like, you get punched By Kyler Murray. Like. Yeah, it's a child. They got punched by a child. What's wrong? Why are you doing this to that little boy? Or Webster. Yeah, the manual Lewis hit you in the face. That's not Emmanuel Lewis, sir. Well, he can't reach that high. How in the world do you think he's going to get to you? No, I have to have a taller. You're right.

[Michael Turner]

That's the other.

[John Holmberg]

Is that the crowd's just high enough that Kyler would need, like, Someone get me a chair. I'm gonna punch this man in the face.

[Brett]

Exhibit A.

[John Holmberg]

Was he on another player's shoulders when he's hitch. What? How did he get to your face? Yeah, you can't go after Kyler. Although decent. You get on your knees in front of him and go, we represent the overpaid kids. The overpaid kid. And then you're like, I'm gonna hit you. And then that little feathery feather duster. And then you just start laughing on video when Kyler punches you and you're just in stitches laughing because you got punched by a baby, sir.

[Brett]

Now it just takes a swing.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Don't have to hit.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. DK didn't connect. Lucky for that guy, I think $100 million lawsuit.

[Brett]

And lucky for DK to an extent.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Brett]

If he landed.

[John Holmberg]

So could you imagine blood fell out of that guy's blue wig. Now, I don't buy that that dude called him the N word because I.

[Brett]

Heard he said something about his mom. His mom.

[John Holmberg]

And he used his full name, which I don't know right off. That's deep. Deacon Deak of Arius or something. I don't know what it is. But he didn't use the N word because all the people around the situation didn't even react like white people, even if they use it a lot. Still no. And if that dude would have dropped the N bomb on DK Metcalf hanging over the edge of that thing, the lady next to him at least would have gone. Her eyebrows were gone up, and she'd have looked like what RFK did when Trump pooped his pants a couple of days ago. His eyebrows went up like. What's that? It's. It's. Yeah. The N word. To people who didn't say it but are adjacent to it are the exact same thing as the person in front of you sharting your eyes go up like, is this real? No. Yeah. Decayla. Nobody at all reacted to it at all. And this dude's been harassing DK Metcalf in Seattle and in Pittsburgh. He went to the Detroit. He's been fine. And DK was an idiot to wander over and interact.

[Brett]

Amazing that he struck it at that time.

[John Holmberg]

That's how far this guy has pushed him.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

To where he just. I'm going over there. And he did. He knew who he was. He went over. You stop calling me by my real name. Which I don't even know why that would make you mad. Decalin. And he took a swing on him. And it might cost him. It's going to cost him some money to make it all go away. I don't think DK is going to take this all the way to court. He's like, how much does this do need?

[Brett]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

Even if you get a few hundred grand out of it. Marvin Harrison, you miserable prick. I'm coming for you. You got hands like a Roman statue just bounces off of you. What'd you major in at Ohio State? Being him. Every time you catch a ball, does it remind you of that doctor fingering you at Ohio State? No one talks about.

[Brett]

He was dead by the time he was there.

[John Holmberg]

I don't care. There's been. He was trained. He trained other doctors to finger guys at Ohio State. It's how they win championships.

[Brett]

No reporting. Liked it.

[John Holmberg]

One thing I've learned about massive collegiate fingerings. Yeah. It results in championships. Penn State, Ohio State, Michigan, Michigan, all of our gymnasts, we were a gold medal producing machine. When Larry Nassar was doing that stuff.

[Brett]

Michigan State had some.

[John Holmberg]

That's who. That's where he was. I mean, it's just a. It's a. It's a rocket ship to the podium. Not saying it's a good one, but I have to wonder if the fear of more fingers leads you to better performances. I know I'd be better at this job if every time I didn't perform well or felt that was a little off, trip fisted me. Today's show's a little off. Yeah. I got a sore throat. Let's take a look at that. Oh, I don't know.

[Brett Vesely]

Tripp.

[John Holmberg]

No. I'm a medical professional and I think I can help.

[Brett]

In house physical.

[John Holmberg]

And you go to a trip's office and lay on that weird massage table. I gotta adjust your pelvic floor. Tomorrow's show should be great. And it would be because I would do anything I could not to be fingered anymore. This guy says probably took a swing at him after he told his kid his Hellcat was being towed. All right, that's Enough, everybody. That's silly. That's a silly one. Nobody would. He would have just. You'd have seen him run away. My what? Oh, stop it.

[Brett Vesely]

In the stadium.

[John Holmberg]

It's Detroit, the clubhouse. It could happen there. Smoke detector is going off. There's no question. Welcome Lions fans. And here's the starting. Here's the starting lineup for your Detroit Lions. Anyway, I'm gonna. I'm gonna get swung on by. I'm gonna harass him. Now what I have to do is do it at like, I can't just go following them for restaurants to restaurants because that's stalking. But at the game, I'm gonna spend a little money because you got to invest in your retirement.

[Podcast Station Announcer]

Morning sickness.

[John Holmberg]

28.

[FanDuel Announcer]

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[John Holmberg]

And another thing I'm loving right now is Billie Eilish is all over the place, you know, talking about we're on stolen land and ice. This ice she said at the Grammys. Stolen land on her acceptance speech. And then they got a shot of that. Sort of hot, but sort of not hot anymore. Sabrina Carpenter. And she's mouthing out the words, so brave. So brave. This is the best. The tribe that Billie Eilish's house rests on, they're the Tongva tribe has basically said, well, she hasn't contacted us about giving her land back. So they're like, if she's gonna at.

[Brett]

Least give us a shout out, if.

[John Holmberg]

She'S gonna grandstand on it, know what you're talking about? You're not. And I love it when this is Whitey's issue. When, when Whitey tries to solve the world's problems with their political speech and then go back to their $90 million house in Malibu and talk about stolen land, how none of this is good. And then, you know, you go back and, and you. And you think that all the Indians are going to be like, oh, she's. Thank you so much for helping us because we're so helpless. Whitey. The, the tribal guys, like she didn't know. She didn't even know. Give us a shout out because you live on our land. If you're gonna, if you're gonna do this, at least know what you're talking about. Instead of these, you know, wide swath statements of.

[Brett]

We're all on stage, very comfortable on that storm.

[John Holmberg]

You seem pretty happy building on that stolen land, so we'll take it back. You're right. So since you admit it's stolen, can we have our property back? And Billy ain't giving that back. But she went on TV to be self righteous. And the Indians she was supposedly standing up for because you know, she's white and they're lesser than. They can't do it for themselves. They need white people to do that. That, that's the most defensive racist thing you can do, is be white and then go. But these poor Indians, they're so helpless that if it wasn't for me, white savior, no one would know about this. Now I'm gonna go back to my house on stolen land and not say this again. Shut the.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, we know what we care about from Billy.

[Brett]

You're not gonna do what you can to get that land back to the tribe.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you got everyone else to move.

[Brett]

Out of the neighborhood.

[John Holmberg]

Right. You cannot stand up on a stage in front of everybody and say, we're all on stolen land. Yeah, we know. And it's been going pretty well. Maybe not for them, but, you know, I'm just going to call it what it is and then not know anything about whose land it was. Like you just know it's. Somebody got it ripped off. And we had nothing. People who are on the planet, nothing to do with it. We should give it back. All right, start with you. You do it. And then I'll start considering it.

[Brett Vesely]

Set an example for the rest of us.

[John Holmberg]

Set an example. Let Indians move into your house. One, two, three. They don't have to be big. Four little, five little Indians. I don't care how many you put in there. All the way up to 10, 7, 8, 9, little. Put some slots and gaming tables in that giant home of yours. I like Billie Eilish musically, but I don't need to hear from you, especially when you're being dumb. And Sabrina Carpenter. So brave. So brave. Oh, White Stadium.

[Brett]

I forgot who it was who went up there and said, I'm a child of an immigrant. I'm like, I think they just turned their parent. I mean, aren't they stitching.

[John Holmberg]

It'S such a troll move. And it's a, it's awesome though. Stolen land. Yeah, they, they, they should. They suggest the Indians from her tribe, whatever her. I don't know what. Look, I have no idea what my. I'm on stolen land. I don't know whose tribe this used to be. I would have.

[Brett]

And whether or not, you know, and it's.

[John Holmberg]

Look, I didn't zone it out. I'm not going to take it as face value.

[Brett]

People were here before.

[John Holmberg]

But if an Indian knocked at my door and said, you're part of the tribe of. I'm like, okay. Do you have any paperwork on that? No. I'm like, well, I don't believe you. Like, there's nothing you could. Anybody could say that. No. You stole land from Happy Vachy, Happy Day. Maybe. I don't know. I just bought. I bought it in 2012.

[Brett]

Was it some of that land's double stolen.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it's double, triple, quadruple Spanish, the Mexicans, French. You take me and just go door to door and you'd see how fast Billie Eilish would be okay with that. It's like, yes, you stole land from Happy Tapitash. I would like that. Now, for my people, I'm gonna need some documents. Well, you didn't keep good records. All right, well, I guess that's your problem.

[Brett]

Honey, some guy named Lone Elk is at the door.

[John Holmberg]

He wants the house. How much?

[FanDuel Announcer]

Free.

[John Holmberg]

Evidently it used to be mine. No, no, we built this. Don't I get any credit for building? Because before it was just nothing. Yeah, I was, I had plans for a pool in a water park. No, you didn't. You took it. Tell you what, I'll give you a hundred thousand dollars to walk away. Deal.

[Brett Vesely]

Shane said, there's no such thing as stolen land. It's conquered land. Read Brady's Bible.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, very true. That's not a good argument. But you're right. Yeah. You lost a fight. We came over and we challenged. You know, it's like a guy says, I'll race you for pinks. You know, might not have been that fair a fight, but still anyway. But Billie Eilish said. And then I love that it wasn't. You know, like I love that it wasn't. So it probably was a right wing Indian. I don't even know that was a thing. But it probably was that. But it wasn't like Sean Hannity and more white people fighting. I like that it was an Indian that said, well, giving back to the toppy hoppy hash people.

[Brett]

And then he just said, the tribe just wishes. Hey, at least give us a shout.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you give me some creds. You don't even know. And basically he's trolling back because he's basically saying, that was cute. Do you know whose land you stole? Because it's all different and some of by the by, so the Indians used to steal land from each other like crazy.

[Brett]

That's what I was saying.

[John Holmberg]

They hated each other. They still do.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I love when Hopies and Navajos get around me because they start telling jokes about each other. Those two, they don't like each other at all, but they like each other more than like whitey. And I'm not so sure with the Hopies, you give the land back to hoppy tappy top. Okay, well, put your hula hoops down. Come on in for a second. Let's talk about I can't put all the hooves down and I get my house back ritual. They have a dance for it.

[Brett]

When we conquered the land, then we're like, we're going to give you an area over here.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You got some space? No, I don't want this space. Want that? Well, no trade.

[Brett Vesely]

Sanjay said, hold on, I'm a. I'm a right wing Indian.

[John Holmberg]

Well, that's a different Indian. Yeah, that's a different Indian.

[Brett Vesely]

I can't say what else he said on that.

[John Holmberg]

I can't imagine. He is a right wing Indian. Like Genghis Khan would meet with Sanjay and go, you need to pull back a little bit. You're too far. Yeah, try it today, Indians, and see how you know and go. White guilt. People will see if they'll give you your house. That'd be a great move. If I was an Indian, I'd be pulling that the same way I'm gonna do the Marvin Harrison thing. Just. Hello, savage. Hi, white woman. Question. Can I have your house?

[Michael Turner]

Why?

[John Holmberg]

Well, it's on stolen land and you wrote a letter to had to say that ice out and stolen land and all. Oh, right. I meant for other people. You need to go yourself. Engine. Strike one.

[Podcast Station Announcer]

Morning sickness. Holmberg's morning sickness.

[John Holmberg]

And Brady, the story that I saw for you, I thought of you immediately. Most guys would be pretty upset if they walked into the house. Imagine going to your house today, Brett. You come in and there's Matthia, legs up in the air. All right, dude. Just pounding away on her. Arg. He's gonna trash the dump. That was a horrible thing to see. And then you put yourself in Brady's brain. Guy comes home Hard day's work. Opens the door, there's his wife in the middle of the kitchen. Ya. Cooking with another man. He trashed the place, threw $4,000 of meat away. He threw $4,000 of stolen meat. And he found when his wife was cooking it with another man. And you know what? There's a type. He's got a little bit of a Brady about him. Yeah, He's Cuban, though. And you got a little hot head on him. Came home after a hard day's work. Open the door, there's his wife sauteing another man's meat.

[Brett]

He threw away his own stolen meat. Or is it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, he stole it with the idea that they would cook that stolen meat together. And what does she do? Whore tries to enjoy that delicious meat with someone else. And surveillance footage caught them stealing the meat. And they got all this beef, and they're like, this is gonna be a great time. We're gonna make this meat great. We're gonna make it together. It's a bonding thing couples do. I come home, Megan's cooking with another guy. I'm like, finally a decent meal. Oh, for Christ's sake. It's been a minute. Does he know what he's doing? I don't know. He makes the box of firework. That's great. Hey, you want to her, too? Because I love what you're doing here.

[Brett]

He figured out the fire.

[John Holmberg]

The firebox actually does work. Yeah. Surprise, surprise. What? The brand new box came out of the thing and worked.

[Brett Vesely]

Unless you walked in, said, what the hell is Guy Fieri doing in my house?

[John Holmberg]

Look, it's still a meal. Guy Fieri's even like, I am sorry for the stuff you've been. It's cliche to say, but Jesus Christ. The hell is this? Shrimp or salad? I can't tell the difference. How did you ruin leaves? Yeah, I'd be happy if I came home and there was a dude in the kitchen. Get his dick out. Like, is he making food? Oh, we're gonna save on doordash. Is that Jersey Mike? Oh, my God. Can I. That guy.

[Brett]

Jersey Mike's over. Just making him there in your house.

[John Holmberg]

I'm fine with it.

[Brett Vesely]

Can Jimmy John come by tomorrow?

[John Holmberg]

Dude, you steal $4,000 worth of meat, I want you overcooking. I want her doing it right out. I'm taking that to the rental house and cooking it alone. I don't want anybody to know I'm doing it. That's me and my meat. But that's a Brady. That's a Brady crime of passion it is. Am I wrong? If you came home and she was cooking with another man. Your meat. Yeah. You had it. Let's say you bought a side of beef. She goes in, she goes into that freezer. Another man's hands on your grill while you're not home.

[Brett]

Nobody touches my wagyu.

[John Holmberg]

What's going on here? Oh, we weren't having sex. I wish you were. What are you doing to my meat, man? You think Brady was passive about that generator last year? Imagine we'd have seen the baby fists of fury flying from either Kyler Murray can throw from down low. This guy. So you catch your woman cooking with another man. There's a certain faction that is way over the line. I'd rather seen you five and a half inches into her B hole. And you ever having your hands on my Viking range. Is he using the flat top out back? Son of a. This guy's got nerve.

[Brett]

Off the griddle.

[Brett Vesely]

Leave my Blackstone alone.

[John Holmberg]

I'm not even allowed to put my meat there. Ronnie says you let him put the meat on that. You don't let me do it. No, you have to run. Run away. My husband's home. We're just cooking. Trust me, this isn't gonna end well. Who's in Fife Fo fum.

[Brett]

I'd brand him with my branding iron.

[John Holmberg]

Ah, yeah. Now you've got the mark of the B. Now get out.

[Podcast Station Announcer]

Bloomberg's morning sickness.

[Brett]

We got a cop named America.

[John Holmberg]

Best cop in the world.

[Brett]

I think he hitched a ride on in the bed of a Ford pickup truck to catch a thief over the weekend.

[John Holmberg]

Trump's favorite cop.

[Brett]

It happened Saturday in Linwood, Washington, just north of Seattle. Linwood police didn't mention this. His first name. Just Officer America.

[John Holmberg]

God damn.

[Brett]

He spotted the bike thief, chased after him, but he couldn't catch. Catch up on foot. Couldn't catch him there. He couldn't catch him on foot.

[John Holmberg]

I've got a cough. The star seems bigger than it.

[Brett]

So he's chasing the dude?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Guy in a pickup happens to see him chasing him, Pulls up.

[John Holmberg]

Get in.

[Brett]

Awesome. He jumps on the bumper.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, he rode the bump. Front or back on the road?

[Brett]

On the back of the truck.

[John Holmberg]

In the back bumper. Like. Like Back to the Future with the hoverboard.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Catches the dude with the help of the pickup truck.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. It is the Linwood police.

[Brett Vesely]

That's it.

[Brett]

Shared the chest cam footage on Facebook.

[John Holmberg]

America. Officer America.

[Brett]

They used a fortunate son in the background.

[John Holmberg]

How was. Is Officer America not a show yet? I'm Officer America.

[Brett]

It's gonna be.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it's gonna be feature on OP Live, right?

[Brett Vesely]

Is he not a Marvel character?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, exactly. Not Captain America. Officer America. America the hillbilly superhero. I like that. He's amazing. We have. You have video. So what happened? He was on foot, just wandering after.

[Brett]

The guy on the all. The guy steal the bike.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, okay. This guy, he starts hoofing it. Here he goes. And he's got fortunate son. Look at him. Officer America. There he is. I'm Officer America. Well, there's two of them. Well, it could be. It's. That's also.

[Brett]

He's the one on the left.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that's Little State. They call him Officer America and Lil State. There's no video here to photograph. Go back to the song.

[Brett]

Right, there's video.

[John Holmberg]

All right, check this out. There's this getting out of the car. He sees a dude he's chasing. Oh, look at this. Hand over the camera in case he shoots him, I guess. Look at him hoofing it, man. He's going flying down the sidewalk and all those cop outfit stuff. It's a little shaky. He's in the road. He's not stopping her. Crosses the road.

[Brett]

Now.

[John Holmberg]

Running out of gas a little bit, slowing down, slow down. He's got a pickup truck right in front of him. He gets right on go in the back of the pickup truck. And that's great. And he's sitting in the bed of the truck. Now, Officer America, I hope that this song is actually playing on his shoulder on his meta glasses or something.

[FanDuel Announcer]

So the truck knows where the dude's going, how and.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, look, can I tell you this? Officers of Phoenix and Scottsdale, Tempe Mesa, anywhere, if you see a light blue and white vintage Bronco driving around and you need to hop on. You got it? Oh, yeah. Let me see your hand. He puts his hands right behind his back. We've got her perp. Oh, that's fantastic stuff.

[Brett Vesely]

Least department as a video editor.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, how about that?

[FanDuel Announcer]

And we don't.

[John Holmberg]

Well, kind of where I was going.

[Michael Turner]

But.

[John Holmberg]

I know it doesn't seem like it on the news, but the police seem to be sort of a well funded, well operated operation. That's awesome. Again, you see a light blue? The blue kind of matches my eyes. My car and my eyes match. If you see a light blue and white Bronco and the cops are like, let's go. You have carte blanche, boys. Hop on anything. TJ Hooker, that thing everywhere. I'll drive you everywhere you want to go. Any the Tops off. You can just get in like Dukes of Hazard. Just jump in. Let's. Let's do it. Oh, man, that's awesome. You, man just. You're in your truck and a cops on the back, and he just gives you that circular home run call. They're like, let's go. Like, I can go as fast as I want right now in my. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna run over a dude in a bar, yell at him, hop on. Yeah, get in. And he knows it. That was such great communication. That's like when Jerry Rice used to look over and wink at Mon and change the play with a look. Oh, that's awesome. Just for a stolen bicycle. Oh, my God. The only thing missing from that is that he didn't shoot the guy. That would have been the best video ever.

[Brett]

Or Taze.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, Just injure him. Nut him just square in the nuts. Great stuff.

[Podcast Station Announcer]

Holberg's morning sickness. Holmberg's morning sickness.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. There you go. That's awesome. And that's stand up live tonight, 8 o'. Clock. If you're gonna go standuplive.com, you can grab tickets with that. Now let's get into the other things you do now. People who don't know should go to your Instagram. Yes. And your social media stuff, Michael Turner, and watch you at the Phoenix Open the last couple years, because somehow or another, with a microphone, I think you made it home. You just got to wander around and interview the pro am and you're getting everybody.

[Michael Turner]

Somebody gave me free reign and a microphone and a camera guy. And, yeah, we would go up and mess with the celebrities. The program's the best day. Because there's nothing funny about a PGA golfer.

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Michael Turner]

So you gotta go when the celebrities are there.

[John Holmberg]

Right.

[Michael Turner]

And yeah. So I've been able to do the last seven years or so. Seven, eight years. I was able to go get great access, talk to some big names.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Michael Turner]

Like, last year was like Jelly Roll.

[John Holmberg]

But it's. The crazy thing is it's just you. Yeah. Like, you'd think there'd be like a throng of people allowed to do this, and somehow Michael Turner is the dude just wandering around with Jelly Roll. Michael Phelps, Aaron Rodgers, I can't remember. You said Nick Saban.

[Michael Turner]

Saban. I looked eyes of Glenn Powell.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my God. How are you still standing?

[Michael Turner]

Amazing, dude. It was crazy.

[John Holmberg]

I was.

[Michael Turner]

I was locked in for a little bit.

[John Holmberg]

Beautiful. Did you get a little. Did it move?

[Michael Turner]

It. It moved.

[John Holmberg]

It moved.

[Michael Turner]

It moved. It's huge.

[Brett]

Things Were flowing.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Michael Turner]

Sometimes when I'm in a pinch and WI fi is not hitting, I just think about that moment.

[John Holmberg]

You know what I mean? You can recall it when I'm on the road. Physically react.

[Michael Turner]

When you're trying to hit pornhub and they sell you. Show us your id. I'm like, no, I'm just going, glenn Powell Memories.

[John Holmberg]

How about that? Glen Pell Memories is a great band name.

[Michael Turner]

Gpm, dude.

[John Holmberg]

The gpm. When they come to town, forget it. So you're wanting.

[Michael Turner]

How did you come.

[John Holmberg]

It's true. How did you get that gig?

[Michael Turner]

So just through stand up man, honestly, being the stand up comic. And then here in Phoenix, somebody at NBC, years ago, NBC Sports, had reached out to me and told me to do some stuff for their channel. And so I did that. And through that relationship, it ended up turning into me being invited to the Waste Management Open and just saying, hey, the Pro Ams on Wednesday. What if we can make something funny? And my humor is always, why don't we mess with people that don't want to be messed with? Really? Right. And you know, as much as anybody, you got to make them laugh within the. You got 10 seconds to get a smirk out of these guys. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

You do not have time. Yes.

[Michael Turner]

And so that's, you know, just the.

[Byron from MMP Guns]

Skills that I have.

[Brett]

Pull up the Sabin, Brad.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it's good stuff.

[Michael Turner]

Saban's. Yeah, it's on Turner Comedy somewhere.

[John Holmberg]

It's probably not to disparage you, your career and your. And your comedy. Sure. But do you think you were the first one they asked?

[Michael Turner]

I couldn't have been. I was about a baker's dozen, Bob. I was deep in the hole.

[John Holmberg]

Michael Turner will do it. Who else is available?

[Michael Turner]

Got nothing going on and nothing to lose. Obviously.

[John Holmberg]

They were.

[Michael Turner]

They were literally.

[John Holmberg]

That was my next question. Yeah. Like, no brand liability here.

[Michael Turner]

High risk, high reward. Because I. I didn't know what I was even risking. Because you go in there and you could be making the wrong people mad.

[John Holmberg]

Yes.

[Michael Turner]

What?

[John Holmberg]

I.

[Michael Turner]

Probably.

[John Holmberg]

Too many people, I think, would look at it and go, oh, if I piss them off, they'll never come on my show. Or whatever. I think you went in there and they're like, he's just dumb enough to do it. Yes. And you knocked it out of the yard. This is you and Saban last year.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah, yeah. This is right after he retired from Alabama.

[John Holmberg]

Hat out, dude.

[Brett]

What a legend.

[John Holmberg]

Hey, Coach, do you think if you.

[Michael Turner]

Had another year to prove yourself at Alabama, you'd have had more job opportunities? This offseason.

[John Holmberg]

He's laughing. Yeah. Well, it was a really tough decision. You know, we're excited about having the opportunity to start our next phase of our life and do things like this and have some fun and do what.

[Michael Turner]

You want to do, which is, I think, focus on Arizona State and kind of rebuilding our program here. Why you been dodging the program? You were scared of the Pac 12. Now it's a Big 12.

[Byron from MMP Guns]

You can handle it.

[John Holmberg]

Was going to coach. I'd stay at Alabama forever, so.

[Michael Turner]

Almost fumbled that one.

[John Holmberg]

That's awesome.

[Michael Turner]

That was. That was another one. Speaking of Glen Pal's eyes, when you. When you log Eyes with Nick Saban, oh, my God.

[John Holmberg]

Is it really run through a wall? Do you feel that Sometimes you wander up on a celebrity, you're like, oh, the vibe is strong. Like, it's the force.

[Michael Turner]

Saban was probably the most intense person I've ever. I've ever spoken to. Because. Because you saw me almost stumble that word there. I was like. Like trying to just get through it. And luckily I did, but I landed the plane. And he. Yeah, obviously he thought it was so ridiculous that he couldn't get a job opportunity.

[John Holmberg]

Right. He laughed and then went right back into Nick Saban's press conference, said, well, it was a very tough decision we had to make about it. Come on, man.

[Brett]

Football is the one. Like, you meet someone. The one. That was Chris Spielman talking with him.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, gotcha. Yeah, gotcha.

[Brett]

He's looking right in the back of my skull.

[John Holmberg]

It's.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah, it's a crazy thing. He's got that aura, man.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Michael Turner]

And he's a leader of men, and he felt it. And then he also. That was the first time he had. I didn't realize since after he retired.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, really?

[Michael Turner]

So I was like, breaking news because that went live or that went viral in Tuscaloosa because it was the first time he ever said, if I ever came back, I'd coach in Alabama.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, they got fired.

[Michael Turner]

And I didn't know.

[John Holmberg]

I.

[Michael Turner]

That's how dumb I am. I didn't even know I was doing news. That's also how bad journalism is. Now that I was breaking.

[John Holmberg]

You were one of them. Yeah. And people are like, he's on to something. And the worst part is, is that you get to that situation and you start to realize that you can actually mess something up.

[Michael Turner]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

And did it run through your mind at all if I. If I do this? This can go viral for all the wrong reasons.

[Michael Turner]

100%. You never want to embarrass yeah, that's. It's like you're. You don't want to embarrass yourself. You know that you're going to have this moment to make it shine, and you only have that one split second. And so, yeah, that was the. Luckily, I talked to Saban, like, years after having done it because I had gone through a lot of different people. The people that I was most proud to, like, get to crack were Michael Phelps.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Michael Turner]

You know, he's notoriously really hard to rigid.

[John Holmberg]

He's. Yeah, he's.

[Michael Turner]

He doesn't really like people coming. Probably because we all shamed him for smoking a bong one time. He hates the media now, so. But I got him. I got on his good side. He had a mustache going. I said he looked like a roadie for Brooks and Dunn.

[John Holmberg]

I like that you said you look more like Aaron Rodgers than Aaron Rodgers does.

[Michael Turner]

Exactly.

[John Holmberg]

Which is really true because they turned into the same dude.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah, that's what Ayahuasca will do. And then, yeah, it's me, Phelps right there.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, Michael Phelps. And you just wander up to these people like, yeah, I gotta let it breathe a little bit more.

[Michael Turner]

It's gotta let it go.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah. Just let it rip. It's a good stash. I. I love growing a good stash. It's probably a good six weeks.

[Michael Turner]

Is that six weeks? That thing looks like it's a roadie for Brooks and Dunn. Have you got eyes on Michael Phelps?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Michael Turner]

You get a lot of.

[Brett Vesely]

Look at you.

[John Holmberg]

It's really special. Wriggle's cool. This was with Sports360AZ. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

[Michael Turner]

My guys. Yeah. So we got sports360. Hit me up to do this years ago.

[John Holmberg]

And that's amazing.

[Michael Turner]

There's Rogers. That was the first time I got Rogers.

[John Holmberg]

You know, that kind of pisses me off a lot little.

[Michael Turner]

Why is that?

[John Holmberg]

Well, because I live here.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

They didn't ask you. Yeah, they didn't hit me up at least once.

[Michael Turner]

You know why they didn't hit you up? They listen to your radio.

[John Holmberg]

Michael. Damn it. Why is this logic always kick me in?

[Michael Turner]

They knew I was dumb enough to do it, but they knew they could put me on a leash if they needed to.

[John Holmberg]

Well, I could get on a leash. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I don't know. I just can't. I watched the videos you guys are watching a little bit ago, I think you would be on a leash.

[Brett]

It would be a limited run, but it would have been fun on.

[Michael Turner]

You'd be on a leash. Rock Hard. Doing all the wrong things, brother.

[John Holmberg]

Shoving pies and vaginas. You never know.

[Podcast Station Announcer]

Hberg's morning sickness.

[John Holmberg]

This lady wants to matchmake. She wants me to matchmake for her.

[Brett Vesely]

For who?

[John Holmberg]

She says John Brady, Brett, Dick. First of all, I want to say I love you guys. Been listening for a long time. Half of my life, literally every day. Come on, lady. Usually podcast. Well, that's all this is, is a podcast. I've made very clear that this is nothing more than a podcast that happens to go out on terrestrial radio. So I'm always behind. But here's a few things. I heard Trip on the show for the very first time in a best of episode, and it is amazing to hear him for real. That was fun. Second, I have inside information about the zip situation if you're ever in. Yes, I'm an interesting galaxy. I also know Shane Orlando pretty well. Here's what I'm thinking. I'm single, I'm hot, I've got great credit, and yes, I do have a couple of kids. Well, anyway, thanks for playing. It's nice talking to you. And who wants to have a match made by Holmberg anyway? All right, I guess I'll keep reading. Also, parents who help me with my kids are there, so it doesn't suck the life out of me entirely. Maybe you could have me on the show for like a matchmaking segment. I can't be with somebody who doesn't appreciate you. Now, that is the criteria for love if you ask me. Holmberg the Jew knows bringing people together because of their common love. For me, anyway. Yes, I know you're wondering, how could somebody as hot and amazing as me still be single? We were. It's a great question. Maybe I'm too picky or what. Girls never say I'm crazy.

[Brett Vesely]

Truth.

[John Holmberg]

Anyway, I have the gift of gab and want to sit in a room with you guys so bad and chill. I've been wanting to email for a long time, especially after I heard Trip on the air. And I hope you don't roast me if you read this, but even if you do, I will love you. She said she'll attach pictures, which she didn't. If we ask for them. Well, yeah. D. [e-mail] we can't have pictures of you being hot with a couple of kids. What we're picturing ain't exactly no great. So you got to fire those over to D. Toledo98kupd.com if you want to have the high meet Sarah. Let's see. I Mean proof it. And it sounds like she's got a little thing for Trip, Right? She's mentioned him a bunch.

[Brett]

That's why I thought she was gone.

[John Holmberg]

Trip's a swinging dick.

[Brett Vesely]

He ain't swinging with no kids, though.

[John Holmberg]

Well, that sounded bad, but I understood what you meant.

[Brett Vesely]

You know what I mean. Come on.

[John Holmberg]

You don't think Trip would, like, be a.

[Brett Vesely]

No.

[John Holmberg]

Father figure. I will be your father figure. I have had enough. That's all I wanted to be warm and naked.

[Brett]

Get a couple of Mom Blanc pens out of that deal.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, the kids get Mountain Blancs to go color. Yeah, well, he hammers their mom. That sounds nice.

[Brett]

Not happening.

[John Holmberg]

You don't think that's good? You don't want to set Trip up with this hot girl.

[Brett Vesely]

Well, we gotta see what she looks like first.

[John Holmberg]

That's a good point.

[Brett Vesely]

He doesn't want to deal with five.

[John Holmberg]

Was five kids, not five. Oh.

[Brett Vesely]

What'd she say?

[John Holmberg]

He said two.

[Brett Vesely]

I think two is too many, regardless, you know?

[John Holmberg]

Well, one's too many. She's at a couple. Couple of kids. That could be two to three, but I would assume to.

[Brett]

I'm going to.

[John Holmberg]

All right. Well, she's got a thing for Trip. Maybe we started off there. That's good matchmaking. If I'm going to start a service, that's a good one to start off. And you talk about how happy she'd be and then he rolls in. Yeah. Thanks. Showtime.

[Brett Vesely]

Shane is single, Apparently.

[John Holmberg]

Is he? Showtime Shane's not. He's short, but he's not, you know. Yeah. He's not a full grown man, if I remember correctly.

[Brett Vesely]

Someone should tell this bra that desperation is a stinky perfume.

[John Holmberg]

All right, calm down. I don't think. She's not desperate. She's just struggling to find a man that appreciates that she loves me. That's huge.

[Brett Vesely]

Larry.

[John Holmberg]

Jesus, that's glorious.

[Brett Vesely]

See? Come on. He just walked in.

[John Holmberg]

That's not bad. Let's see. Pictures.

[Brett]

She listened all this time. You think she would know that that man and would.

[John Holmberg]

We're not helping. I don't think we've helped out with that one at all. I don't think that's a good thing necessarily. Let's see if I can find her again on my emails here. Did she include photos? I don't see any attachments here. Please read little hearts. Nothing. So if you're going to do that kind of stuff, you gotta fire over. And no filters. Don't go all filtery. Maybe I'll give you as much as a ring light, but you show filters to us, and that's. That's mom stuff anyway. Well, there you go. Good luck to Sarah. We'll. We'll take your application and we'll see if you're qualified for the Whomp and the Jew law offices or if you're gonna go over there to Fatty and.

[Brett]

The.

[John Holmberg]

Depends on who's gonna. Who's gonna matchmake you.

[Podcast Station Announcer]

Arizona's most powerful rock radio station.

[John Holmberg]

He said fully erect, easy.