02-09-26 - Dylan Emails How Our Podcast Has Helped Him Lose Weight - John's New Penchant For Coffee Keeping Him Regular

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona

Episode: 02-09-26
Date: February 9, 2026
Title: Dylan Emails How Our Podcast Has Helped Him Lose Weight - John's New Penchant For Coffee Keeping Him Regular

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Episode Overview

This episode centers around two main themes: the impact the podcast has had on listeners’ real lives—highlighted by a heartfelt email from listener Dylan who credits the show for inspiring his weight loss—and a comedic discussion about John Holmberg’s new coffee habit and its digestive effects. The hosts, John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo, also riff on the importance (and consequences) of honesty among friends, providing their signature blend of irreverent humor and real talk.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Listener Impact: Dylan's Weight Loss Journey

• [02:22] John reads an email from Dylan, a listener who credits the show with motivating him to lose weight after hearing the hosts jokingly push Brady to get healthier post-kidney removal.
  • Dylan's Story:
    • Was inspired by the hosts' relentless and honest jokes about weight.
    • Realized his friends weren’t being direct with him about his health.
    • Lost 25 pounds in a month (down from 345 to 320 since January 1st).
    • Asks the hosts to share his message: “Get your fat ass in the gym.”
  • Quote:
    • John (reading Dylan’s email, [02:40]:)
      “Get your fat ass in the gym. Thank you, Dylan. That’s well done!”
  • Hosts express genuine pride and humor:
    • “See, Brad, it’s friends like us that save lives.” ([03:26])

2. The Value (and Pain) of Honesty Among Friends

• The team humorously debates the pitfalls and necessity of being brutally honest, especially regarding health.
  • John:
    • “If you’ve got a big fat friend who’s not going to make it, you gotta tell him. That’s what friends do. You are not going to make it. Look at Brady—he’s over here thriving because of this podcast.” ([03:36])
    • “Honesty has more consequences than lying... When you have to start dodging honesty because it’s protecting someone else’s, I guess, better world or best interests, you’ve lost yourself.” ([04:32])
  • The exchange is laced with their trademark sarcasm (e.g., about cocaine and gambling).
    • John to Bret: “Brett, you should stop killing people.” ([04:53])
    • Bret plays along: “I’ll do that.” ([04:58])

3. John’s Coffee Experiment

• John details his new coffee habit, initially taken up for health reasons, specifically to improve digestion.
  • Honest confession:
    • Doesn't like the taste, drinks it mainly for the effects.
    • Drinks an entire pot in the morning; “I might as well just put coffee in the creamer thing and drink that.” ([05:50])
    • Only eats after, “somewhere around noon, I like a goose for an hour. And then I feel great.”
  • Improvement in digestive health, shared with vivid and comedic descriptions:
    • “It’s flying out of me. I sit down and laugh. It is like… I can’t really—it’s just a good flow.” ([06:11])
    • “There’s memories from the 80s coming out. Sometimes, like, a ghost will float ahead of me… Oh my God, that crayon I ate when I was six just came out.” ([06:22])
• Playful childhood confessions:
  • Ate crayons and Play-Doh as a child (“Oh, you got Play-Doh in front of me right now, I’d probably take it down, drink a pot of coffee and watch it come out. It would be colorful. It’d be fun.” ([06:50]))

4. Navigating Honesty with Women: More Comedy

• The group shifts to the perils of honesty when it comes to significant others, using exaggerated scenarios about outfits and weight.
  • “That’s a bad haircut.”
  • “Yes, those jeans make you look fat. Yeah, but it’s not so much the jeans…” ([07:52])
  • “If you have to ask, you look fat. Right? ‘Does this make me look fat?’ What do you think? If you’re asking, I know you. I know what you actually think. Fishing.” ([08:58])
  • “It doesn’t make you look bad. No, but the cake in your hand does.” ([09:13])
• Jokes about double-bagging groceries become euphemisms for fashion advice.

5. Support and Shoutout to Dylan

• Dylan, a longtime listener who works for the Phoenix Suns, gets a personal shoutout as the hosts urge him to stick with his healthy changes.
  • “Dylan, you big fat ass... I didn’t know he’d ballooned up to 350. You’re gonna die. You’ve got a kid to worry about, Dylan.” ([09:27])
  • “Let’s drop some pounds for that heart. Quits. Unless that’s your plan.”
  • Playful callback: “The 9am word is going to be D-E-A-D, Dead. Which is where Dylan was headed before he got on this new track. Nice job, Dylan. Proud of you.” ([09:52])

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• [02:40] John Holmberg (reading Dylan’s email):
  “Get your fat ass in the gym. Thank you, Dylan. That’s well done.”
• [03:32] John Holmberg:
  “If you’ve got a big fat friend who’s not going to make it, you gotta tell him. That’s what friends do.”
• [04:32] John Holmberg:
  “Honesty has more consequences than lying... When you have to start dodging honesty because it’s protecting someone else’s... you’ve lost yourself.”
• [06:22] John Holmberg (coffee story):
  “There’s memories from the 80s coming out... Oh my God, that crayon I ate when I was six just came out.”
• [07:52] Holmberg and Team:
  “And, yes, those jeans make you look fat. Yeah, but it’s not so much the jeans... it’s the fat you’re stuffing in them.”
• [09:52] John Holmberg:
  “The 9am word is going to be D-E-A-D, Dead. Which is where Dylan was headed before he got on this new track. Nice job, Dylan. Proud of you.”

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:22] – Dylan’s email about weight loss
• [03:32] – “Friends who save lives” and honesty discussion
• [05:25] – John’s relationship with Diet Coke and coffee
• [06:22] – Coffee’s health (and comedic) effects
• [07:52] – Navigating honesty in relationships
• [09:27] – Personalized advice and encouragement for Dylan
• [09:52] – 9am contest word and callback to Dylan’s progress

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Conclusion

This episode is a quintessential display of the HMS team’s unique blend of caustic humor, genuine camaraderie, and surprising heart. Through the hilariously candid discussion of bodily functions and the consequences of brutal honesty, the hosts manage to inspire positive change in listeners’ lives—evidenced by Dylan’s weight loss story, which both the hosts and the audience celebrate with good-natured teasing.

If you need a push to take accountability or just want a laugh about the realities of getting older (and regular), this one’s for you.

Transcript

[A]

You're listening to the HMS Podcast, brought to you by MMP Guns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories. Hey, it's Brett Vesely, and I'm here with Byron from MMP Guns. Look, Byron, I have a friend wanting to sell some guns he inherited. What's the best way for him to do that?

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

Easy. Legalgunbuyer.com and he can do it. It's really that simple.

[C]

There you have it.

[A]

MMP Guns or legalgunbuyer.com the safe and legal way to sell your firearms.

[D]

All right, HMS Podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week downtown at Stand Up Live. Get out and see the comedy of Moshe Casher and the up and coming Ari Matty. Up north of Desert Ridge, you'll get Josh Wolf and SNL's Tommy Brennan. And Eastside of the Tempe Improv. Don't miss the very funny Sam J. And more Josh Wolfe. For the complete lineups and for tickets, go standuplive.com Desert Ridge, improv.com and tempyimprov.com sickness.

[C]

You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. 98, the podcast that keeps podcasting right now for another 11 minutes. You can put the word music into the KUPD app for the sweep that feeds Nine Inch Nails. We're doing it this morning. We're going to do it all day long. Larry's got them, Shannon's got him, Jeff's got them. We're all loaded up. Every hour you'll get a new word to put into the app, and once you put it in there, you're qualified. And we're gonna do drawings to get people into their final qualification. So you're in there. They're just be in the drawing for today. And that's how this works. And you can get that done. Desert diamond arena, they'll set you up in the party suite, get you the Nine Inch Nails show for free, feed you for free. And all you got to do is listen to this show and put the code word [e-mail] or on the app. Simple. The word for eight o' clock is music. I'll give you the word for nine o'. Clock. Nine. You got yours. And Brady's done it. Brady might win. Get me some nachos. Get some of those hot dogs. Nachos. Chicken fingers. Those chicken fingers. I'll tell you that. That is. They're up there. The chicken fingers in the sweets at the Aramark, or whoever's in charge of the food there at the. Oh, my God. Those are top drawer. Music is the word you're looking for. Right there. Guadalupe Replay. It's too long. We get to it, it's already. We've run too late. It's too long. But I have to read this before we get into anything else. It's a friend of ours, Dylan, says that when Brady got his kidney removed a few months ago, I didn't think much of it. You guys jabbed at him with jokes. Telling him he's got to lose weight made me realize something. My friends won't say a goddamn thing to me about being massive. I'm six two. I was 350 pounds and I had an epiphany. I was at my heaviest, and I knew I had to change something because you assholes were being mean to another guy that needed to lose weight, and I needed that in my life. I've been a. It's been a month. I've taken weight loss seriously, and since January 1st, when I weighed 345 pounds, I'm now down to 320. And honestly, I feel a lot better. So if you read this on the air, send this message to my fellow whales. Get your fat ass in the gym. Thank you, Dylan. That's well done. See, Brad, it's friends like us that save lives.

[A]

This podcast is.

[C]

It's a lifesaver, saving lives. If you've got a big fat friend who's not going to make it, you got to tell him. That's what friends do. You are not going to make it. Look at Brady. He's over here thriving because of this podcast of you and me. It's exactly right. I don't know if he's sticking with it right now. It's a little early to start hitting him, but we'll make sure he's all right. Good friends tell you you shouldn't do so much cocaine. That's a good friend thing. You might have a problem. You're a gambling addict. Can't give any more money. It could be a blowing up. Your heart's going to explode. What's wrong with you? There's nothing wrong with it. That means you care. It's like with your wife and stuff. If you start having a tap dance and honesty has consequences, maybe you've lost yourself. Honesty has more consequences than lying. That's true. Because when you're honest, you have to take the immediate blowback. When you lie, at least you dodged it for a little while. But honesty, when you have to start dodging honesty because it's protecting someone else's, I guess, better world or best interests, you've lost yourself. You haven't lost someone else. You've lost you. Brett. You should stop killing people. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. See, that's somebody who cares.

[A]

Well, I'll do that.

[C]

It's gonna end badly. Just kicking down the business. Just keep kicking it down the road.

[A]

Mind your own business.

[C]

See, and I'm fine with your response, but that's you dealing with reality. And I just let you know I put it out in the ether. I know I shouldn't drink so much diet soda. I was off it for a while. I felt good. I got right back on. And who I blame for that? My doctor friend Frank, who guzzles Diet Coke like I do, and he's like a renowned surgeon. I'm like, well, if he's doing it, I'm like, is it hurting?

[B]

It's fine.

[C]

I'm like, what am I waiting for? Off the Coke Zero for, like, I do it two months. I love that stuff. And he's just as bad as me. We're 10, 11 deep a day, and I'm like, this incredible surgeon thinks it's fine. I'm going in the jug of coffee. Come on. Yeah, I'm starting that now. I like. I don't like the taste of it, but I've noticed my bowel movements are fantastic since this coffee thing, whatever batch you got going in there, it smelled good this morning. It's hazelnut. It's mostly creamer. It's almost. I might as well just put coffee in the creamer thing and drink that. I don't like coffee, but I just gave it a try because everybody says you should. And now I make a pot every morning, and I drink the whole thing. And then somewhere around noon, I like a goose for an hour. And then I feel great. I don't have any food in me at all, ever. When I do the pot of coffee, morning. The rest of the day, I am clean. And, I mean, it's flying out of me. I sit down and laugh. It is like. It's. I can't. I can't really. It's just A good flow. It is. Beyond that, it's literally this. Sounds like this. The babbling. Oh, my God. There's, like, memories from the 80s coming out. Sometimes, like, a ghost will float ahead of me, like, wow, that's from a long time ago. Oh, my God. That crayon I ate when I was six just came out. It's. Whatever this coffee's doing is melting me down. I chair Noble every day. What flavor did you eat? Crayon. I ate the purple one once. I know. I. Oh, I used to eat crayons. I thought they tasted great. Play Doh and crayons, man. I ate those like nobody's business. I get to, like, start chewing on the end of one. I'm like, that's delightful. Play doh. I ate that. You. I couldn't be around Play Doh. I ate tons of Play Doh. I love that. Oh, you got Play Doh in front of me right now. I'd probably. Probably take it down, drink a pot of coffee and watch it come out. It would be colorful. It'd be fun. Yeah. I'm dumping hard. And I owe that to Brett, because Brett told me about coffee and how to do it. I'm overdoing it, but. Yeah, but my doctor said I'm fine. But you got to be honest with your friends. You got a problem. You got to tell them Brady's still alive. And I think it's more me than it is his doctor that removed the kidney. What?

[A]

You got to tell your ladies, too.

[C]

Well, you got to tell them that's a bad haircut.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And, yes, those jeans make you look fat. Yeah, but it's not so much the jeans.

[A]

Hit the heels.

[C]

It's not the jeans as much as it is the fat. You're stuffing in them. But you gotta. You gotta dance. They want us to be honest, but when we are, there's consequences. So eventually, a man turns, like, 40 and starts going, it's easier to lie to you. You get mad whenever you get your honesty. Do I look bad in this? We're gonna be late. No.

[A]

Can you hear the threads screaming?

[C]

Yeah, Lemons.

[A]

That should be. I don't need to say anything.

[C]

This packs it in, right? Yeah. If we were at the grocery store, I'd put a second bag on you. Double bag, please. You're busting through this. You can't do it. Paper or plastic? Both. Because you run the risk of telling them, oh, no. Those. Those jeans don't look good. Well, we're not going. And now you got a big battle. They don't want you to be honest.

[A]

You got a mirror?

[C]

Yeah. You know you feel good about you. I don't care if you don't know. You don't care if I look fat? Oh, I do. I just can't say when. You do and you don't. But if you gotta ask.

[A]

Ladies.

[C]

That's the rule. If you have to ask, you look fat. Right? Does this make me look fat? What do you think? If you're asking, I know you. I know what you actually think. Fishing. You're trying to see if I'm gonna tell you. Try it. Guys, just make me look fat. Sure does. I don't want you to be no Broadzilla. It doesn't make you look bad. No, but the cake in your hand does.

[A]

Put down the hose.

[C]

But be honest with each other. Except for women. They can't take it with dudes. Dylan, you big fat ass. I know Dylan works for the Suns. I didn't know you got that fat. I knew you're big, but Dilly the ticket guy? Yeah, Dilly the ticket man. Good dude. I didn't know he'd ballooned up to 350. You're gonna die. He's got a son. You got a kid to worry about. Dylan. Let's drop some pounds for that heart. Quits. Unless that's your plan. We're three minutes away from me giving you another word. And hopefully we can take Dylan to Nine Inch Nails. The 9am Word is going to be D, E, A D, Dead. Which is where Dylan was headed before he got on this new track. Nice job, Dylan. Proud of you. Keep you around for a while. Dead is the 9am word. You got a couple minutes before that one starts. You can get into the suite for Nine Inch Nails. That's how that works. We got what Would Brady Do? Coming up next. It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee. I have heard enough of this.