02-12-26 - FULL SHOW - THURSDAY - Holmbergs Morning Sickness 98 KUPD

Summary

Podcast Summary: Holmberg's Morning Sickness 98 KUPD – Feb 12, 2026

Main Theme / Purpose of the Episode

This lively and irreverent episode features John Holmberg, Brett Vesely, Dick Toledo, and (briefly) Dale Hellestray as they riff on everything from the fallout of a wild dating game segment, the limits of cultural naivete, and explicit conversations about modern dating and health, to discussions about rest days in sports and conspiracies in headline news. The show is known for its candid humor, inside jokes, and the hosts’ willingness to “question and disturb” as many listeners as possible, all with the backdrop of technical failures (crashing apps), playful banter, and a unique on-air Michael McDonald impression contest.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Aftermath of the Dating Game

• The crew recaps a previous controversial segment where “Sarah” participated in a dating game, sending nudes to a contest winner (a Ninja Turtle collector), causing a stir and spooking host Brady.
• Holmberg and Brett dissect Brady’s discomfort: “He was never… see those people, like in religious documentaries, they’re introduced to something and they say: ‘This is a demon,’ and their whole…That was Brady.” – John Holmberg (04:14)

Memorable moments:

• Sarah immediately sends a full nude to Edward (the winner), who casually replies “Nice bush.” (02:59)
• Holmberg laughs at the societal divisions revealed when ex-felons email in, openly relating to the Dating Game content (06:00).

Timestamps:

• [01:44–04:35] Discussion of Brady’s reaction, Sarah, and her unfiltered approach

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2. Being Naïve vs. Worldly

• Brett and John recall discovering later in life that casual sex and drug use were far more common among their peers than they realized, likening themselves (especially Brady) to being oddly innocent or “pure of heart.”
• Brett: “I used to do blow all the time…The most normal people telling me that was part of their life…” (10:22)
• [09:30–12:00] – Opening up about realizing the world is less “Leave It To Beaver” than they thought

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3. Mainstreaming of Sugar Daddies and Transactional Dating

• Surprisingly frank discussion about “seeking arrangements” and transactional relationships, with laughter at how normalized these arrangements have become.
• “If you’re getting a thousand bucks a pull for your poon…I’d have a Ferrari.” – John Holmberg (14:13)
• [13:09–14:38] – The rise of websites like Seeking Arrangement and OnlyFans, and the humor in “monetizing” sex

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4. Cultural Landmines: HGTV Star Drops the N-Bomb

• Extended riff on “Rehab Addict” host Nicole Curtis being caught on tape using a racial slur while frustrated during renovation.
• They mock her apology (“it’s not part of my vocabulary”) and debate if you get a “pass” for cursing while injured.
• “I’m gonna go ahead and give a pass to anybody for an injury N-word.” – Brett (24:00)
• Riffs devolve into historic/cultural gags and how society deals with private words made public.
• [16:09–34:29] – Hilarious and uncomfortable debate over when, if ever, it’s acceptable to use certain slurs and how apologies fall flat

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5. Medical TMI: Jokes about Colonoscopies, Proctologists, and “Camera vs. Finger” Debates

• After talking about James Van Der Beek’s death (mislabeled as prostate, then corrected to colorectal cancer), the show goes into a graphic–but funny–discussion about men’s reluctance to get checked, fears about procedures, and their own experiences.
• “I got a punch card ready. Space for one more?” – John Holmberg, on how many times he owes his parents for diaper changes (155:57)
• “Just give me the camera–I’ll do… I might accept the camera over a finger.” – Kyle (51:58)
• [39:08–54:21] – Candid, often crude health talk, including audience confessions and jokes about GoFundMe windfalls for celebrities but not “normal” people

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6. Guinness World Records: Oldest Cockatiel and the Flimsy Proof

• The hosts lampoon a news story about a supposed 33-year-old cockatiel, joking about how easily the record can be faked.
• “If you’ve got a bird that’s kind of rough around the edges, call Guinness and make up a story.” – Brett (57:14)
• [55:14–58:28] – The futility and silliness of some world records

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7. Pavlov & “Little Albert” - Dark Psychology Experiments

• John shares a disturbing historical psychological experiment on “Little Albert,” a baby conditioned to fear rats and loud noises.
• The discussion morphs into how easy kids have it today, compared to a century ago’s raw psychological and physical risks.
• “Your kids have it so easy. Google search Little Albert, Poor Little Albert, the baby experiment.” – Brett (62:50)
• [59:19–67:17] – Conversation about historical child treatment, topped with irreverent present-day comparisons

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8. Michael McDonald Yacht Rock-Impression Contest

• In honor of Michael McDonald’s birthday, listeners are invited to call in and sing Nine Inch Nails songs in McDonald’s vocal style (by physically pulling their face cheeks apart to mimic his sound).
• Best entry (“Oliver” singing “Closer”) wins concert tickets.
• “Michael McDonald singing Closer is awesome. It’s spectacular.” – Brett (121:28)
• [108:02–121:28] – This lighthearted, silly stretch is a signature bit for the show and gets enthusiastic participation

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9. Sports & Arizona’s Perpetual “Bad Luck”

• Dale Hellestray joins to lament Arizona’s reputation of almost-there sports franchises and the unfairness of modern ticketing (fans picking games months ahead just to see NBA stars rest for non-medical reasons).
• The Corbin Carroll injury and the effect of “rest days” dominate the sports segment.
• [125:22–135:43] – Frank criticism of modern athletes' rest habits; insight into franchise strategy and ticket pricing

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10. Conspiracy & True Crime Production

• The hosts riff (with honesty and skepticism) about national news stories, especially the “missing mom” case involving Savannah Guthrie’s mother, likening press conferences to scenes from “Silence of the Lambs.”
• “My BS meter’s gone off on a lot of news stories that later turned out…” – Brett (143:27)
• [142:41–147:11] – Satirizing media coverage, manufactured news, and the public’s appetite for true crime

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Notable Quotes

• “She was a bad influence. Brand liability.” – Brett (03:53)
• “I used to do blow all the time…The most normal people telling me that was part of their life…” – Brett (10:22)
• “If you’re getting a thousand bucks a pull for your poon…I’d have a Ferrari.” – John Holmberg (14:13)
• “She hit the N bomb barking at a light fixture.” – Brett (21:09)
• “Poor Nicole Curtis, for one word and her whole career is over. And it wasn’t even like she said it to someone. She said it while wrestling with wiring…” – Brett (30:31)
• “Give me your 20 year olds and your children. I’ll do some work [referencing psychological conditioning].” – Brett (68:05)
• “You let me penetrate you…Oh, you let me complicate you…” – Contestant “Oliver” (115:40)
• “Brady is sick because Sarah. He caught a lot of Sarah’s morals yesterday.” – Brett (100:31)
• “You know what kind of OnlyFans Christian turns down the butt? I’m an OnlyFans Christian—which is a great band name also.” – Brett (77:06)
• “I got a punch card ready. Space for one more?” – John Holmberg on parental caregiving (155:57)
• “If you’ve got a bird that’s kind of rough around the edges, call Guinness and make up a story.” – Brett (57:14)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Recap of Dating Game, Brady’s Discomfort – [01:44–04:35]
• Discovering Adult Realities – [09:30–12:00]
• Sugar Daddies & Seeking Arrangement – [13:09–14:38]
• Nicole Curtis HGTV Scandal – [16:09–34:29]
• Medical TMI (Colonoscopy, Prostate Jokes) – [39:08–54:21]
• Guinness Record Cockatiel – [55:14–58:28]
• Little Albert Experiment & Parenting Standards – [59:19–67:17]
• Yacht Rock Nails (Michael McDonald Contest) – [108:02–121:28]
• Sports: Ticket Prices, Rest Days, Arizona Teams – [125:22–135:43]
• Missing Mom News/Cynicism – [142:41–147:11]
• Crude Humor/Toilet Talk – [155:00–157:16]

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Tone & Style

• Profane, self-deprecating, and highly irreverent
• Willingness to address taboo issues with dark humor (“injury N-word pass,” “monetizing poon,” “colon camera vs. fingers”)
• Frequent tangents & callbacks to running jokes (Brady’s naivete, Arizona’s sports misery, bathroom habits)
• Unfiltered listener participation (impression contest, open phone lines, recaps of listener emails)
• Subtle empathy beneath the brashness, especially regarding the difficulties of modern life and health anxieties

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This episode is a quintessential “Morning Sickness” experience: riotously funny, inappropriate, and reflective, with something to offend everyone—and a strong sense of community among listeners and hosts alike. Whether discussing sugar daddies, medical exams, or breaking into Michael McDonald falsetto, the crew keeps it real, Arizona-style.

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Ad breaks, theme songs, and other non-content sections are omitted for streamlined reading.

Transcript

[John Holmberg]

You're listening to the HMS Podcast, brought to you by MMP Guns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories.

[Brett]

It's John Holberg here from the Morning sickness for life changerloan.com so, as you know by now, if I'm telling you about a product, I am using it, and that's because I don't want to be accused of steering you the wrong direction. I've told you that most clients of Life Changer Loan pay off their mortgage in about five years. That means you're not paying 30 years of interest. So on top of paying off your mortgage in five years, because all your money goes to the principal first, you're going to save hundreds of thousands of dollars on interest. It isn't tricky. Nothing about this should have you roll in your eyes. It's not magic, it's just math. Lifechangerloan.com I can't believe they're having a gender reveal for their dog. No, no, no, no. This is a breed reveal. Oh. So, yeah, they're finding out the breed of the puppy they're rescuing, so they could just be spending all their money on, like, pet insurance.

[Kyle]

Instead, we got lemonade for Roscoe and.

[Brett]

It covered vaccines, microchipping. We saved 90% on vet bills. Oh, here we go. What do you think beige confetti means? I don't know.

[Kyle]

That we'll never get this Saturday back.

[Brett]

Get a quote for any [e-mail] pet, you've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. Good morning, everybody. Hello there. Welcome to Thursday. It's 5:45. My name is John. How are you? That chair's empty. There's Brett, There's Big Dick Toledo. As Brady is very possibly afflicted with some type of brain tumor or something. His head has exploded with sinus infection and he's not, not coming in today because he was. He was on his last legs yesterday. You could see it in his eyes. He wasn't going to get through the day.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know. I think he was a little scared yesterday.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And then just come on.

[Brett]

And then reality came in uninvited to the party and introduced itself to Brady again. Sarah was a treat. Sarah was a treat. We had the, the, the chat on the podcast. You can pick it up again. But having Sarah in as we human trafficked a woman yesterday and yeah, a lot of takeaways from Sarah after. Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Brett]

She's a special girl. She's very nice, very sweet.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, no, she Was.

[Brett]

But she's. Yeah, this was my favorite part yesterday after the show was over, the man that won her and was to human traffic her wherever he wants. The Ninja Turtle guy.

[John Holmberg]

Yes.

[Brett]

Edward. I think his name.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I think it was it.

[Brett]

So he sends a picture of himself to her. Okay. He's a nice looking guy. All right. You know. And she's like, he's a. He's got the beard. And she's starting. I'm like, look, you just went on the radio and begged for. This is nice. This is a good hangers.

[John Holmberg]

Can't be choosers or. What are you doing?

[Brett]

Thank you. This is as good as you're gonna do here. This is nice. And he's like, how about a picture of you? And I just casually said, yeah, send him like a naked one or something. Be crazy. Sure enough, just fires off a full nude.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, nice. All right.

[Brett]

And then Edward fires back, nice bush. And I didn't look at the picture, you know, I just noticed that she'd done it. And I'm like, did you send him one of like an unkempt kind of thing down there? And she goes, no. I mean, it's there, but it's like, okay, you did. That's a bush shot. So this.

[John Holmberg]

Look, they don't trim in San Tan Valley.

[Dale Hellestray]

No.

[Brett]

Well, yeah. Coolidge doesn't have electricity for clippers. So I thought to myself, well, you know, we did a. We did Edward a solid. This dude's in there playing with his action figures because he's a collector of Ninja Turtles and this is a sure thing. Don't screw this up, Edward. This is done. You cannot make a mistake here. But, yeah, you're right. Brady was. Brady ran out of here yesterday. The sugar daddy talk. And then, you know, a lifestyle he doesn't want to admit that is. That happens in humanity. Yeah, he ran from her. She was a bad influence. Brand liability.

[John Holmberg]

We didn't even get the normal lay and slammed the door.

[Dale Hellestray]

He was.

[John Holmberg]

He had his track shoes on and was running down the hall like Carl Lewis.

[Brett]

Almost every time Brady leaves. We all hear it. Yeah, late. And it just echoes through the halls. And he waddles out. No, he ran from here. Gotta get away from that.

[Dale Hellestray]

That's the.

[Brett]

That's the enemy's plan to put me in darkness. Yeah, he didn't. That was clear that. That was. If you were to ask him, like, saren, you are gonna go out to lunch. No, not my cup of tea. Which is the kind way of saying, I'd never do anything with that Person. I think she scared him. And that was my favorite part of yesterday. His fear was my favorite part of the entire day.

[John Holmberg]

I should have had her fire over the nude to him.

[Brett]

Oh, my God. That's just wrong. No, no, no, no, no, we'. You can't go throwing. No, he was afraid of her. Like, he was. He was never. See those people, like in those religious document documentaries that have, you know, they're introduced to something, they say this is a demon or something. They believe it, and they're whole. That was Brady. I think he thought she might have been demonic. I think he had some sort of.

[Kyle]

Coming out right off the door.

[Brett]

Well, no, we're not sending nudes to anybody. That's just. No, I don't want to be responsible for that. Getting in his house and then. Oh, then. Then he's right. Then the evil infiltrates his home. You can't have that.

[Kyle]

Share an Apple account, John. So Kirby.

[John Holmberg]

Ronnie.

[Brett]

Oh, no, we could not. No, this is. This proves. Well, then, no, this, in fact, would prove. I will never give that number to Sarah just because that would then prove that his fear. Well, if you can do it and I'm. Look, here's how evil I am. You can do that. And I'm going to giggle like crazy, but I will not be the responsible party. And getting the emails and I mean, my, my, this is. It was ridiculous. Oh, my God. A massive amount of emails came in talking about her, and I was shocked to find that, you know, the felons really enjoyed. Oh, the Dating Game yesterday. Lots of felons checking in.

[John Holmberg]

Well, the ex cons came out yesterday.

[Brett]

They were happy to talk to her. So it was an interesting show. It was an interesting podcast, I'll say. Yesterday.

[John Holmberg]

Well, afterwards, it seemed like, you know, when she wasn't sure if she wanted to take a role in the Donatello Ninja Turtle sheets with Edward. Yeah, that she was up on Larry.

[Brett]

Oh, she loved Larry.

[John Holmberg]

What's going on there?

[Brett]

I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Brett]

I stayed out of it, too.

[John Holmberg]

All right.

[Brett]

But I, I. Yeah, we introduced a wild card yesterday to the party. And did she fire over a photo to Larry? I don't know. I didn't. I didn't talk to Larry about it. You know why you're handing out those numbers and stuff. Maybe talk her into that one, too, because that I'm for. I won't do it myself again. I'm not going to be the guy who gave the. The commands. XO has the comm. That's you, my friend.

[John Holmberg]

I'll fire it right on over.

[Brett]

I'm not doing that.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Brett]

But poor Brady. Yeah. You can't do that to him. Larry would be. Yeah. That. You can't do that. Too fragile, Brett.

[John Holmberg]

And you notice this is the one time that Brady didn't try to hand it. Yeah. Why don't you give me those digits?

[Brett]

Yeah. He was scared of Was such a. Almost a sociological experiment to watch how, like, unenthused Brady was with this faction of humanity that. That's out there somewhere. And I think he just probably went home and hugged Kirby. Yeah, I didn't know that was out there. Like, he's got to put her back in the bubble. She can't discover that this world exists. With, like, casually talking about a sugar daddy is to his brain. I wish he was here to defend this, but to his brain, I just. Like, he wants to try to say nice things, but I can't imagine what his mom bunny would have just been like, oh, it would have been so good to have the boat.

[Kyle]

I just can't believe that that goes on.

[Brett]

I just. I don't buy it.

[John Holmberg]

After he watches the videos every week, he can't believe that kind of stuff goes on.

[Brett]

Those are all AI. Like, he's got. It's a good. He lives in a better world than us. None of the stuff we see.

[John Holmberg]

I guess I'm jealous. I think.

[Brett]

I don't know. In a weird way, he doesn't have to actually think it's real. Not confronting that reality. Is this his reality. And then when it's presenting itself here, it's demonic. And I don't blame him because it was hilarious. But she was fun. It was a fun thing.

[John Holmberg]

I was leaving yesterday, and everybody in sales is like, is she really like that? Yeah, Go up there.

[Brett]

Go up there.

[John Holmberg]

I know. Jennifer came up there.

[Kyle]

Oh, that was a great interaction. I didn't see it, but I heard it. Yeah, you're funny.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Kyle]

That is like the girl swipe of Atlanta.

[Brett]

And then she's like, hey, if I call my brother, can. Can you talk to him? I'm like, sure. And she facetimes. Her brother couldn't have been nicer. Very nice guy. And, like, she wasn't unkind. She was fun.

[John Holmberg]

She was nice.

[Brett]

But the brother wasn't what I expected. He seemed like everything just. I expected normal. He was totally normal. Is he a lawyer? No. I don't know what he does. He's that. But he was just a.

[John Holmberg]

No, we know about the lawyer.

[Brett]

Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah. The lawyer was the sugar daddy. Yeah. The Lawyer. That was just a great. Yeah. And sometimes you have to introduce yourself to that side of the world. I think we get too straight and narrow in our lanes and we realize that what, you know, what's going on out there. I remember, you know, it's like when I found out everyone in high school was, was having sex. And I'm like, wait a minute. What? I thought we were all on the same page of being a little bit afraid of that. Not in. If you didn't have a girlfriend, it was impossible. Like it had to be relationship. Then you're like, no, there was casual like sex happening in high school. And my brain just did not understand how that's possible.

[John Holmberg]

You thought like Brady in high school.

[Brett]

Oh, yeah. No, it like, you know, white picket fence and freshman year, Ben Burry.

[Kyle]

When I found out he was having. I'm like, stop.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Kyle]

That doesn't happen.

[Brett]

I, I, I always thought you had to have like a handpicked daisies and a tuxedo and your hair slicked down and like Ding dong Yes.

[Kyle]

Where you had to pin a girl.

[Brett]

In order to get that. Yeah. My, my, my world of that was completely like Jimmy Stewart should have been involved. It was so old fashioned. I'm gonna pin her. I'm gonna, I'm gonna take her out. I didn't know how to do it. I didn't know you could just go, do you want to go do something? And then start rolling around with them. I did not know that was possible. So then, like this whole new world opened. You know what else I didn't know? I was in my late 30s when I discovered that most people I know are casual drug users.

[Kyle]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Like the most normal people I know are like, hey, good bump now and again. Like, to me, that was mind blowing. Until I realized, well, I'm the one. I'm the one that's different.

[Kyle]

You're the one of pure heart.

[Dale Hellestray]

I'm the.

[Brett]

No, I'm not. I'm just different than almost everybody. Oh, I used to do blow all the time. Like the most normal people telling me that that was part of their life for a while or currently every once in a while they're like, New Year's Eve, we'll do it again. I'm like, really? I've never even. Like, I used to run from rooms. I would watch like at Tony Roma's and stuff when I worked in the, the kitchen guys would do. I remember opening the office once and one of the managers had a tinfoil out and they were smoking crack. Or something.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know, the Valenzuelas or.

[Brett]

Oh, one of the managers.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, wow.

[Brett]

A white guy. But they had a tinfoil open, and it had a rock on it and a lighter underneath that and a glass tube. And I walked in, and it was almost like I might as well just yell, demons, I rebuke you. I just slammed the door and kind of ran from it. Like, oh, my God. And all I'm thinking was, there's huge problems. Like, they're addicts. They're gonna steal money. They're like, we're all gonna go to jail. My first thought. And then I realized, we know crack's a different one. But, I mean, when you're starting to. When you're around that. And then I'm like, who else is doing this? I thought, like, whispering it to other people. Like, oh, my God, I think he's doing drugs. Everybody's like, so.

[John Holmberg]

Like, no, no, no.

[Brett]

Like, real drugs. They're like, yeah, so relax, Nancy. Right now. Exactly. I was. I was so outside the fringe, and then I had those doors open. I'm. I mean, I choose not to do it, but it's happening all around me. And I just chose to assume my way was the majority. It wasn't.

[John Holmberg]

You think about all those commercials that we had in the 80s and we were growing up and stuff. It'll make you feel good. Yeah.

[Brett]

No, I was the.

[Audrey]

No, no, no.

[Dale Hellestray]

Okay.

[Brett]

I ran away. I learned it by watching you. Right.

[Dale Hellestray]

That one, too.

[Brett]

Oh, well, I was. So look. Yeah, I learned it from you. That kid just opened up that. The dad opens up the drawer. He found this in your drawer.

[John Holmberg]

It looks like Dennis Friends and stuff like that.

[Brett]

Who taught you how to do this? I learned it from you. That was me. I was that kid. I was, you know, finding Playboys. I'd look over my shoulders, like, we're gonna get arrested for. Like, I was so naive to all of that. Still to this day, somebody will say something like, I can't. But Brady's that way with, like, stuff that, like, I know now, like, those doors opened yesterday, so he could very easily be. I remember after we were talking, he goes, just can't believe that's a common thing. Like, oh, the sugar daddy thing.

[John Holmberg]

There's a website more real than you want to.

[Brett]

There's. And it is.

[Kyle]

How long have we seen the back page of the New Times?

[Brett]

But that's. To me, that's seedy now. It's just. Yeah.

[Kyle]

Cause now I think it's more mainstream than anything.

[Brett]

I forgot the Name of the website. Something seeking. Damn it.

[Kyle]

Seeking sugar.

[Brett]

No, no, no, it's not that, but it's literally Larry was talking about it yesterday. He goes, no, no, no. You just go on there and the girls will put like there's little emojis on the bottom of what they want. And sometimes it's bills, car payment. And they don't necessarily say they're sex, but they're going to be sex.

[John Holmberg]

We'll take crank for counterpayment.

[Brett]

And if you just go on there, we're like, look, this is an arrangement. The seeking arrangements. That's what. So it's you. You arrange a transactional relationship by saying, yeah, we can do stuff together. And if it leads to sex, that's. It's not prostitution yet, it's prostitution light. But I'm like, are there. I remember telling Larry, like, are there a lot of people on this? He goes, oh, it's. It's like Facebook. Like everybody's got a page only fans, all that stuff. I'm too naive to it. Brady's blind to it. I'm naive to it, but it makes sense to me. And if you're getting a thousand bucks a pull for your poon, oh, I.

[John Holmberg]

Bet I'd have a Ferrari.

[Brett]

Yeah. And I would be the richest girl in the world.

[John Holmberg]

I'd have a Ferrari. A couple cranks. A couple cranks a month.

[Brett]

Can you imagine? And then I just go home, do kegels. My job is kegels now. Seven, eight hours a day, tighten that bad boy up. Go get some sort of ablation so never bleeding and roll that bad boy out. Every day. Like Barrett Jackson every day. Who's the highest bidder?

[Dale Hellestray]

Let's go.

[Brett]

A thousand bucks a blow. I know it's classless, but damn it, I would be first off. I'd be one ugly ass woman. The only thing I've got is this. And I would be throwing it at everybody for a few bucks. I'm not gonna give it away for free. Yeah, I just face the other way.

[John Holmberg]

Get some big clown cans, you'd be fine.

[Dale Hellestray]

Don't worry.

[John Holmberg]

There's bitch that are boob blind once.

[Brett]

You can clown can. Yeah, this Newt Rockne thing I got going on, it's gonna. Nobody's gonna care. She's ugly as sin. But the cans. And I would get some good ones.

[John Holmberg]

Get some Petrus cans.

[Dale Hellestray]

Oh, yeah.

[Brett]

Oh, I get those teardrops. Nothing. Yeah, they'd be good. You're almost talking me into this. Anyway, six o' clock on the dot. The word for Six o' clock to get into your nine inch nail suite.

[John Holmberg]

That feeds.

[Brett]

Coming up here in March is broken. Speaking of periods, that's the word. She's broken. Broken. Broken for vacations or.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, every time. Every time.

[Brett]

Excellent. First dates. Broken every time. Broken is the word right there. And that's all you need to worry about. You put it in on the app or at our website and you, my friends, can be sitting in the suite.

[John Holmberg]

I heard that one time, like, what are you talking about? We just went on vacation two weeks ago. How are you broken again?

[Brett]

Yeah, come on. I think you're cutting. I think you're a wrong here. There's a. I'll add a consonant to the word cutter. I think that's what she is. She's a cutter. Speaking of words you can't say anymore. I don't know, Brad, if you watch a lot of hgtv, I watched a ton of it.

[John Holmberg]

Not too much.

[Brett]

I used to love it. I used to love watching flip shows and things like that. And the one that always got me was there's a show called. What was it called? Rehab something. Rehab was in Detroit.

[Kyle]

Rehab addict.

[Brett]

Rehab Addict. So, yeah, a girl. The girl's name was Nicole Curtis and she.

[John Holmberg]

Remember her?

[Brett]

Yeah, she was really cute.

[Dale Hellestray]

She's pretty.

[Brett]

She had a son. And I always thought, and I always used to bring this up. I'm like, I like watching that because eventually she's going to reveal how lonely she is. She's. I watched the deeper meaning of Rehab Addict when she. Because she loved Detroit but she had problems with men. That was not announced, but she. She manifested her male problems into old homes where she. She was a type of girl. I need to fix this. Like she, her. Her relationship with whoever she had a kid with. And the boy was on the show every once in a while. Clearly went the ways of. I could not save him from himself. And I don't know if it was just behavioral or if it was drugs or whatever. So it was sad in its own weird way because she was so hell bent on being a fixer. Well, she's never gonna be on TV again.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, why don't you whip him out?

[Dale Hellestray]

No.

[Brett]

Oh, she pulled a.

[John Holmberg]

She's cute enough.

[Brett]

It's the best episode you'd have ever watched. She was working on a light and they're filming and she was struggling with like electric stuff or something. And then she just drops the end bomb. No yelling at. You know, when you're in Detroit. Well, that's what's wrong with this project. Idiot.

[Dale Hellestray]

Oh, my God.

[Brett]

Here's the thing. No, you're not hot enough to do that. Oh, you. She's just saying it's like in A Christmas story when the bumpkiss hounds and he's like, fire. Foreign. Turn, turn, turn. It's Yosemite Sam cussing, and everybody's done it. When you're struggling with something, you just say something stupid like, and then comes out and you're like, whoops.

[Dale Hellestray]

Visit Homeburg's morning sickness [e-mail] this episode.

[Brett]

Is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match, limited by state law. Not available in all states. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match, limited by state law. Not available in all states.

[Dale Hellestray]

Holmberg's morning sickness.

[Brett]

I think somebody at that show hated her because it's taped and it got out, right?

[John Holmberg]

Oh.

[Brett]

And so she says, and this is where she's done forever. I want to be clear, and this is the worst thing you can say.

[Kyle]

Whenever you want to be clear.

[Brett]

The worst thing you can say. The word in question is wrong and not part of my vocabulary. Yes, it is. You said it. You said it. You know it. You said it. It fell out. Now, I do that all the time. I don't drop the N bomb, but I'll throw the homo F word or other slurs at, like, something that's defeating me. That's an inanimate object that I'm trying to get through. But she threw out the N bomb. She said, I want to apologize to everyone. I'm grateful. And then she says they. Because they fired her that day after the tape got out. So the dude taping the production crew didn't protect the person on the other end. Now, that tells me either somebody on the production crew hated her or was a black guy and was like, no, I know this. I know she's in on this. I'm tired of hearing her say it.

[John Holmberg]

Or that was his sugar mama. She cut him off.

[Brett]

Oh, yeah, watch. That's a good.

[John Holmberg]

That's a good twist.

[Brett]

That's good fan fiction right there. I like that. But yeah, so she dropped that bomb. And now all I want to do is watch the clip. How bad was it? Was it a hard R? Was it.

[John Holmberg]

We have it.

[Brett]

Was she. No, I don't know.

[Kyle]

Was she losing an episode?

[Brett]

No. Oh, they're filming an episode.

[Kyle]

Gotcha.

[Brett]

And she says it and then she's like, oh. And they're like, shut down production now because you're done. It's like, no, no, we don't have to air that. Can I get. Can I just. Give me a break.

[Kyle]

Mulligan.

[Brett]

Yeah, no, Mulligan. They fired her immediately for even thinking it. And you know you can't do that when there's cameras rolling or mic's on.

[Dale Hellestray]

No.

[Brett]

She got ratted out. But I mean, I think she's fine so long as she doesn't say, well, let's look. When Tom Brennaman, our good friend Tom Brennaman's like, I'm a good man. These are not words in my vocabulary. Yes, they are. Not only that, because if it would be. Because then you'd just cuss like a five year old. Yeah, exactly.

[Kyle]

Or a Mormon.

[Brett]

Right. You knew how to use it in a sentence. It's part of your vocabulary. We gotta stop that. But the apologies are so stupid. But yeah, she. She hit the N bomb barking at a light fixture. Whatever she was trying to fix, because it was mad. I tend to. And this is because of my friend Thomas. When I'm doing work, like when I was trying to put those bike racks on the wall, the whole time, I'm cursing at the wall, I'm cursing at the material. I'm doing a terrible job drilling holes in walls and just making a mockery of the whole thing. I do it with a Scottish accent and I don't know why. And that's because it feels better to say horrible things in a Scottish accent when you're just like, oh, you mother. That's right. Yeah. Just don't go through the brick, you piece of. Oh, this little Only purpose. This sucking. I'll tell you, why don't you bend over and you're gaping. I say horrible things in a Scottish accent. C word is non stop.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Brett]

Oh, it's. But it feels better. So it's. It's a character of frustrated. Do it yourselfer. That's what I do. But I also know that I'm not doing a show that's being recorded.

[Kyle]

Yeah.

[Brett]

And I think I would kind of pull back on the whole. I would tell people like, hey, welcome to rehab addict. My name is John by the way, when I'm working hard and it's not going my way, I turn into Shrek for a little bit. And the most foul mouth version of him ever. So just give me a little grace on that because it's going to get weird and I turn into a strange person. But, yeah, she's gone and done. So the show was supposed to return to air after a long hiatus. They brought her back.

[John Holmberg]

So I'm wondering if the.

[Brett]

Like, does she still get to sell the houses? She did all the work.

[Kyle]

Well, she becomes a silent partner now, right?

[Brett]

I guess.

[Kyle]

I mean, she still does all the work. You just can't see who did it.

[John Holmberg]

I'm pretty sure that didn't Papa John. Isn't he still getting a paycheck even though he's not part of the company, quote unquote?

[Kyle]

I think he got bought out.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, did he?

[Brett]

Okay. I think they took care of him. But, I mean, I'm like, I know for a fact that the dudes who worked at my house said terrible words. You hit your thumb with a hammer or you nail gun into your foot. I don't know. I think you're allowed to say everything.

[John Holmberg]

Look, I'm not trusting somebody working at my house if they yell fudge instead of the big one. And I just. He's not doing good work again.

[Brett]

Christmas story. Even Ralphie, when he dropped all the lug nuts. Fudge. But I didn't say fudge.

[Dale Hellestray]

Right?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I'm not trusting a dude. That's not.

[Brett]

I think we have to out there. I don't know if we have to have a meeting with all the races and have like a Un Word we'll call it. And we're like, look, you got to give us a break. If I hurt myself in a DIY project, I'm allowed to mort out something like, I got Tourette's. Is that okay? If I get shocked by a ceiling fan, I'm allowed to. And allowed to hit the. I'm allowed to hit that default N bomb button.

[John Holmberg]

Billy says Nicole should find a doctor to diagnose her with Tourette's.

[Brett]

Yeah. Immediately.

[John Holmberg]

A victim. Immediately.

[Brett]

Right. It's just. It doesn't just. I mean, people are like, why did that one slip out? Yeah, Kyle's right. You're dealing with an inanimate object. I mean, what were the wires making you think about? Were they black wires? Like, where are you with the. Why was that your immediate go to. But I think if you get shocked, like, it's. But maybe she was. I didn't see it. So maybe she's just, like, struggling with a lamp shade and then whoops. But I think you're allowed to do it. I'm gonna go ahead and, as a white person, even give a pass to anybody for an injury. N word. I don't know if you're allowed or homo effort. I think I'm allowed. I think Toledo. I think I've got enough cachet.

[John Holmberg]

You're allowed to hand out the card.

[Kyle]

I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

The bounty hunter.

[Brett]

Now, what is this? I think I'm allowed. I, I, I don't know about that. Yeah, I think I'm allowed to tell people, look, we give the guy a break. If he. If.

[John Holmberg]

All right, you better talk to your consigular Winston. He may, you know, let him give you the approval.

[Brett]

Winston, please. Winston. If I. If I'm with Winston and we're working on electric stuff, I wouldn't do it.

[John Holmberg]

Well, see, then, there you go.

[Brett]

But let's say Winston sees me on a ring camera, and I trip and fall and bash my head into a live wire. That's what I think. I'm allowed to bomb that?

[Kyle]

No, because.

[Brett]

No, I think I'm allowed to do it. I think that is the only time whitey's allowed to just go pure primal. You're trying to put a ceiling fan in and.

[Kyle]

Gonna have to disagree on that one, Bob.

[Brett]

All right, I think I'm gonna. I'm saying that.

[John Holmberg]

Let's try it. Let's try it. I want to see you of what?

[Dale Hellestray]

No, not me.

[John Holmberg]

I'm saying you can do it.

[Brett]

I remember when I was having my house rewired and the bathroom that I had to touch two wires together to turn the lights on, and I got real comfortable because it was totally wrong to do.

[John Holmberg]

All right.

[Brett]

But for a day. It was like a day or two. But I got super comfortable going into the bathroom just tapping those wires. Well, that's a full electric. Yeah. And I. Dumbass. I'm like, I wanted to use my new bathroom. The only thing that wasn't done yet was the. So I popped off the caps. I'm like, I know how to turn the lights on. Just put these two things together. And so I went in there and took a shower. And then I got to the point where I could just smash the things and they'd separate. Well, not when you're soaking wet.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, Jesus.

[Brett]

And the wire stuck to me.

[Audrey]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Yeah. I didn't know that was gonna happen. And I'm pretty sure I just went. I was alone, so Proud I was. I don't know how I got. I don't know how I pulled myself away. It was. But I don't know what I said. I could have. It might be just a visceral reaction of the human mind that that word comes out when you're being electrocuted in your own home. Maybe because I had a ceiling fan do the same thing to me once. It pushed me almost through the wall because I reached up and put the wires together and I exploded.

[John Holmberg]

What are you Nicole Curtis?

[Brett]

I was Nicole Curtis. Yeah. I think that was. But you get once. You. Once the. Happens when you get. And it's not just a shock. It's holding on to you. I think it happens. I know for a fact I didn't scream mother fudger. I'm positive I didn't. Keep it. Keep it classy. I don't know that I have the right to say it. And what. And like. Like, See, this is where you guys have got us blacks.

[John Holmberg]

Here we go.

[Brett]

If you get shocked or something and say it, it's okay. It's a powerful word. It's like your wife getting mad at you. There's a lot of women who don't like the C bomb. And I think if you got electrocuted around the house or you were doing some stuff, you know, a knife and a toaster and like, ah, boy.

[Dale Hellestray]

And you throw.

[Brett]

I hate that word. Oh, my God. And she gives you grief about, look, I was almost dead. I'm allowed to throw a bomb there.

[John Holmberg]

That's how I knew Mathia was the right one. As soon as I yelled that one time, she's like. I'm like, you okay with that?

[Brett]

She goes, oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I use it all the time, too. I'm like, yes, you're a keeper.

[Brett]

C word is a. Have you ever see a beautiful woman using that word? Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And then she could get to pass. I think she's dolled herself up for years. She's very.

[Kyle]

Been doing it forever.

[Brett]

Very pretty. But I always had a. There was always something sad about Nicole Curtis, something lurking, and it was always. I just couldn't help but think there's a past relationship that makes it so she feels like she's got to fix all of Detroit. Like somebody did a number.

[John Holmberg]

Nobody can fix that place.

[Dale Hellestray]

No.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

I mean, and maybe it was some sort of weird white savior syndrome that she'd go through all of Detroit and try to make it pretty again. Like she's buying houses for 12 grand. You know, that was when Detroit was in its. You know, it was thrown down to nothing. She's getting these old 1920s houses or 3,000 square for 12, 15,000 bucks.

[Kyle]

You blow up the neighborhood and there.

[Brett]

Were bad neighborhoods, right? And so, yeah, I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

What's this blonde doing in my neighborhood?

[Brett]

What's she doing over there? She's out there. You're working on some electrical. What'd you say? Sorry, I was getting shocked. God damn right, you getting shocked. How do you think I feel? I'm appalled.

[John Holmberg]

You gonna get shot.

[Brett]

Keep it up, cracker. Yeah, I think that. I think hammer to like, Fred Flintstone style hammer. I think Fred Flintstone used to do that when he. Remember when he would hit himself and his thumb would start throbbing and stuff like that. I'm pretty sure even Fred Flintstone, the cartoon would yabba dabba. I think he threw the bomb called Barney. Oh, yeah, those two. You think Fred and Barney didn't drop n bombs? You're crazy. Hey, Fred, you see the new in town? They were racist. They're cavemen. As long as they never let them vote.

[Dale Hellestray]

Bond.

[Brett]

It didn't even have. I don't even know ever.

[John Holmberg]

I don't think so.

[Brett]

Colored anyone in. In that. They never went to the phrase brown pencils.

[Kyle]

No, no, no, no.

[Brett]

Yeah. Gazoo was the closest thing, as Winston says, melanated.

[Kyle]

They didn't use that one.

[Brett]

That's right. Yeah. I don't want it to be something, but I just think this poor girl needs a. I don't know. She needs a pass for this one. She didn't do it maliciously. It just fell, and it just makes you think, and it makes everybody think. Oh, she's throwing that around like crazy. I feel. I feel for Nicole Curtis for, you know, one word and her whole career is over. And it wasn't even like she said it to someone. She said it while she was wrestling with wiring or some sort of a project. She called that thing. I know Toledo. It's a slippery.

[Kyle]

You say we're gonna slow road. Parse that out.

[John Holmberg]

Hey, there was a black Flintstones character.

[Brett]

There was?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Not in my house. Bond.

[John Holmberg]

Philo Quartz.

[Brett]

Philo Quartz. The first black character in the Flintstones. Well, they brought her in an 86.

[Dale Hellestray]

86.

[Brett]

Flintstones was on the 60s, 20 years too late.

[John Holmberg]

But look at this. They had the Blackstones.

[Kyle]

What?

[Brett]

All right, that's worse than what Nicole Curtis did.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Kyle]

Like separately.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it was like a spin off or something.

[Brett]

Huh.

[John Holmberg]

It was just in the late 70s.

[Brett]

Wow. Oppressed cavemen in the. In Bedrock.

[Kyle]

What did The Mormons run the change.

[Brett]

They just drew Fred and made him black. It's spread a little bit of a.

[John Holmberg]

Fro, but he's a little.

[Brett]

He's in better shape, too. And his thing was, like. He wrapped it.

[John Holmberg]

Bob Quartz.

[Brett]

Bob Quartz. All right. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Things we learned.

[Brett]

Yeah, I know it's a lot. Thanks, Nicole. Well, yeah, it doesn't. Yeah, there's like. Yeah, if you can't, there's.

[John Holmberg]

When did she start her only fans page? That's what I want to know.

[Brett]

Well, and again, she's in her probably mid to late 40s now. Well, she's not going to make as much money.

[John Holmberg]

Adriana did it. She'll make the money.

[Brett]

Yeah, but everybody.

[John Holmberg]

Supporters out there.

[Brett]

Adriana was slutting up on the Sopranos so long, we wanted to see her naked. She was the only one in the show that didn't give.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

So we kind of were like. And then a little disappointed.

[Kyle]

I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

Them Luke Bryant fans will be all up in that.

[Brett]

Yep. It doesn't make it right, but I.

[John Holmberg]

Think it made it right.

[Brett]

But I think everybody can go. We understand now if she makes a habit of it, then it becomes her go to. That's different. But if you're getting shocked.

[John Holmberg]

So you get a one, you get a freebie. You get a pass.

[Brett]

So, like, it's like, bingo. Can the center square be free? Can we get one? Can we break glass in case of emergency? So long as it's not aimed at another person. Can I have. Ooh, I used up my freebie. And then you get, like, a tattoo and, like, a barcode that says you're not allowed to use it ever again. I don't know. It's just. I feel bad for her. I felt bad for her from the beginning, though. Anyway, what are you gonna do? Poor Nicole Curtis. The whole show's canceled. Like, we couldn't enjoy her work ever again.

[John Holmberg]

She's been on forever.

[Brett]

Yeah, I know. All the reruns are out. Like, all the work she's done where she rehabs a kitchen, you're like, that's beautiful. But, you know, she said that once, and so we can't like her stuff. Does it mean she's bad at what she does? No. Sometimes I didn't like her design. She kept it a little too authentic to the 20s, and it looked like garbage. But still, that's a personal preference. And maybe that's her thing. Like, her desire to go back to the 20s was pretty strong, and now she's showing, like. Like she wanted to go back 100 years, man. Right. She did it the other day.

[John Holmberg]

She had separate water coolers on the job site and everything. I mean, come on.

[Brett]

She's like, I want to restore this home to exactly how it was in the 20s. And then she did it where workers were allowed to just go. Anyway, I don't know what you do. Broken is the word you're using for nine inch nails this morning. Broken it is. Six. Seventeen.

[John Holmberg]

This coming in from a white guy. As a white person, I believe you can say the N word in anger if it's directed towards another white person.

[Kyle]

Nope.

[Brett]

No. I think that's dangerous. No, don't play that game.

[John Holmberg]

Negative. Please video that and send it to Deepledo and we'll see how that works out.

[Brett]

I think that's. Yeah, give me four examples. That's okay, General Akbar. Totally agree. Four examples where it's like, that was okay. It's not a thing, you know? Remember when Trump did that thing? And now we're gonna talk about the N word. We all know the N word. And then somebody in the audience shouted it. Not that one. Nuclear. Like you know better. Don't do that. You set a guy up.

[John Holmberg]

My man.

[Brett]

That's not what I meant. Nuclear. No, no, my man.

[John Holmberg]

I love the setup part. Because he knew it was coming.

[Brett]

Of course. Now we're gonna talk about the N word. You like it? Get in there. Maybe it was Nicole Curtis. Oh, I know that one. Nope, sorry. Rehab addict. No, what I meant to say wasn't nuclear. I shouldn't have done that. Yeah. Anyway, and I don't even remember what the rest of that speech was because everybody in the audience was like, whoops, I thought we were in a safe place. That's the N word, Nicole. That's right.

[John Holmberg]

If you feel like you gotta say it, just write it down.

[Dale Hellestray]

Worse down.

[John Holmberg]

I've got time for that.

[Brett]

I'm not writing that proof right after you walk around with that written down or just hold it up like Wiley Coyote.

[John Holmberg]

You got flashcards?

[Brett]

Anyway, I feel bad for that girl, but what are you gonna do? Let's get a wake up song, shall we? 5 8, 5, 9800. A good one. And we will scream it together. It's 98 KUPD. Wake up. It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fees. I've heard enough of this. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with a name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget. And potentially lower your bills. Try [e-mail], progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states. Early birds always rise to the occasion for summer vacation planning because early gets you closer to the action. So don't be late. Book your next vacation early on VRBO and save over $120. Rise and shine. Average savings 141. Select homes only. Sickness, you've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. Thank you, Thomas James. Very kind gentleman Thomas James with our theme song for the year. Somebody said to put the theme song in to the AI app. Well, you're right.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I hit my ring when I was pulling the mic over.

[Brett]

Pinky ring incident.

[John Holmberg]

Happens.

[Brett]

How you doing?

[Kyle]

I'll do that.

[Brett]

Yeah, put in there and add some more to our theme song.

[Kyle]

Yep, I can do that.

[Brett]

I like that. Evidently people have seen the clip of Nicole Curtis from rehab.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know.

[Brett]

I didn't know. But somebody said she actually used. She said fart and then the. The N bomb and. Yeah, that's the thing. The apology is where the wheels came off. That's not in my vocabulary. If in fact she said fart, it's in. Not only is it in your vocabulary, you've made it a playful game for yourself. To make it silly, what you say is, oh, boy. It just fell out of my mouth. I was mad and I yelled something and I Tourette's myself and I am an idiot. But yes, I do occasionally say terrible things. People would be like, all right, well, there's no fighting somebody. But you say, I always say terrible things. But, you know, same. That is not in my vocabulary. James Vanderbeek passed away yesterday. Everybody was the Dawson's Creek guy in Varsity Blues, the world famous forever and ever whipped cream bikini scene from Varsity Blues. And Vanderbeek was seemingly one of those dudes just as nice as can be. Doesn't it? Didn't he seem like. I didn't like Dawson's Creek? I didn't care.

[Kyle]

I didn't like Varsity Blues other than the whipped cream bikini.

[Brett]

Not a great movie, but, you know, we can be heroes. It was good. It was fine. And he was that. He was one of those dudes that's not gonna. He's not an Academy award winner by any stretch. He's not gonna be one of those guys that's gonna change your world. But every time you saw him, Van Der Beek seemed like just a good dude.

[John Holmberg]

He was. There was no reason to hate on him or anything like that. He was just there.

[Brett]

Vanilla man.

[John Holmberg]

Right. Exactly.

[Brett]

And then he gets the prostate cancer and it gets him. And that's a shame. It's.

[John Holmberg]

Did he catch it late?

[Brett]

I don't know. There. There's. Well, no. Everybody keeps saying, like, oh, he's a perfect example of why men need to get checked. And you do. I'm not going to until they, you know. Evidently, there's no more fingering. My, My, my, my beef with that.

[John Holmberg]

So you back in?

[Brett]

Well, do it. If there's no fingering, I don't again. MRIs, ultrasounds. Nobody has to get fingered for anything. And it's just some power play doctors are keeping over us to, you know, to puppeteer us for a second. Just. I've checked out my own prostate on the reg. It's fine. Look, if anybody's going to notice a difference, it's going to be me. I go to a doctor, first time he's feeling it, I can tell him all the subtle nuances and nooks and crannies of that thing. I know exactly where the almond is, and I keep an eye on it.

[John Holmberg]

Changes just don't Nicole Curtis it.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah, well, yeah.

[Brett]

You don't want to start dropping that bomb while you're giving yourself a prostate exam.

[John Holmberg]

Doctor.

[Kyle]

You.

[Brett]

I look at it the same as. Oh, yeah, no, there's a chance that N word will come out if a doctor goes in dry. You try to. That I. I'm allowed that. Pass.

[Kyle]

High likelihood.

[John Holmberg]

I'm.

[Brett]

I don't care even what the doctor looks like. If you go in my ass dry, there's a chance that gonna fly out of my mouth.

[Kyle]

I can be on board with that.

[Brett]

Yeah. If you fry finger me and then doctor like, hey, hey, hey, hey. You don't have to do this. In fact, I can probably pretty accurately, with a blindfold on, draw my prostate. Oh, yeah, I know where it is. I wash it. It's not even for pleasure. Get up there and I scrub it. I treat that thing like, you know, the way Brett would if he had like a gto. He'd have mirrors under just to show you how clean the bottom part is. So I don't need any doctor telling me what's wrong with it. I'll be like, what do you know? That's your first time. I know what's going on in there, but you should go get checked. But they say that you don't have to get fingered anymore. What I'm confused about is James Van Der Beek's Family asked for a GoFundMe, and it's over a million dollars now. And I'm like, he lives on a.

[Kyle]

Ranch and has six kids.

[Brett]

Yeah. Even if he ran into a little financial trouble from this, this didn't cost a million dollars.

[Kyle]

No, he was an advocate for it. You'd think that they were giving him some kind of spokesman privileges.

[Brett]

I mean, a million dollars and still growing. It was actually. Right now it's at a million three in donations from fans. It was on Dancing with the Stars. The, you know, people are dropping thousands of dollars each on his GoFundMe page. And I think that you're right. Like, he's got a ranch and all this other. The family's like, oh, it didn't cost you. I know costs for health care are high, but he's not a million dollars behind. What are you gonna do with that money? That doesn't make any sense. I say we take all that money and we put it towards technology to keep fingers out of our asses. At the doctor's office, Clint said, no, no, John, they're still fingering. The blood test just tells you if they need to or not. Well, then I'm not going.

[Kyle]

That's fair. I. I just had that. The blood test.

[Brett]

Did you. And everything's kosher.

[Kyle]

The next step is to go to my primary. And he looks at the blood and goes, no finger.

[Brett]

Oh. It says that he had colorectal cancer, not prostate.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. So then you get the tube up the ass.

[Brett]

That's a tube? Yeah, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

That's a camera and stuff.

[Brett]

Oh, hell yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Have you had that done?

[Kyle]

The tube?

[Brett]

No, they go in and they haven't done any.

[Kyle]

I haven't had anything done.

[John Holmberg]

No, I haven't.

[Brett]

None of it.

[John Holmberg]

They keep telling me to, and I'm like, yeah, I'll get to that.

[Kyle]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Who? Michael and Troy keep telling me, too. Also, I'm not doing it. It's not gay. It's life saving. I'm with you if you want to do it. That's up to you. But you can't get. You can't shame people anymore for. For saying, I don't want to get fingered. And I also don't want to find out anything's wrong. I've said that for years. The doctor goes, oh, I don't want to hear. Oh, with a finger in my ass. I just don't want to hear that. Oh, this is no good. Like, what is it?

[Kyle]

Well, you don't want to hear the long pause.

[Brett]

No, I don't. I Don't want to go back every time. Two weeks to have him check it again. I'm just. No. Done a pretty good job my whole life keeping men's fingers out of my ass. I got one.

[John Holmberg]

One.

[Brett]

Oh, yeah, Doctor, that got me back when I was like 21.

[Kyle]

That's a shocking thing when you don't think about your story right away. Wait a minute. You had it.

[Brett]

No, I had a guy do it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, he was grooming you.

[Brett]

Boy, was he. And now. And after watching that Ohio State documentary, I realized he was. It was an unnecessary exam. And there I was on my side in a gown. And all I told him was, it hurts to pee. Are you sexually active? I'm like, well, I guess so. I guess you call it active. She didn't. I mean, I wasn't just laying there.

[Dale Hellestray]

I was.

[Brett]

Oh, yeah. I did about eight attempted high fives with this guy. He didn't want one. And then he fingered me. And I finished. And now I'm never going back again because that was horrifying. And by the way, I've tried to do that myself since that day. And I've never been able to accomplish what that man did, ever. I've never been able to make that button.

[Kyle]

Not for lack of trying.

[Brett]

Never hit the button right again. I think he drained it. I think he broke it and he drained it.

[Kyle]

You think it was a one time only thing.

[Brett]

There's like a, like scorpion venom. Once it's out, it's out.

[Kyle]

Like those New Year's poppers.

[Brett]

Yeah. You can't pack that back up. That's it. Oh, that's all right. That'll happen. I'm like, it will. Only time to try to make that happen every day then. And nothing. The girl I. My girlfriend back, Tony Roma's her ex boyfriend liked that. And that's what. She would try that with me.

[John Holmberg]

What exams?

[Brett]

Yeah, not the exams, but like, yeah, she liked her to exam, but I've done it, but I don't need that. But Vanderbeek, it didn't cost over a million dollars for that. And I think you should. Yeah, it should go to. It should go immediately to technology to keep doctor's fingers out of us. End of story. I don't think doctors want to do it right.

[Kyle]

Not since the PSA test has come out.

[Brett]

Yeah, doctors are like, they should be on the fast track to not doing that. Like, if I was at proctology convention, I'd be like, all right, how do we stop seeing it? Like, let's make it so it's A like A, the blood test is good. B, those ultrasounds seem about right. Rub it across my ass. You don't have to go in.

[John Holmberg]

Is that the one where you crap in a box or something beforehand?

[Brett]

There's that too. Okay.

[Kyle]

Cologuard. Yeah. And then you mail it. That just feels off.

[Brett]

James says they sound worse than they are. The prep is the worst part. Drink the stuff that cleans you out a day before there's no fecal matter to block the camera. You drop like five pounds in that day. Go get scoped, boys. Maybe you could make a show out of all of you going. Getting a colonoscopy.

[John Holmberg]

Pervert.

[Dale Hellestray]

James.

[Brett]

Jesus. You want us all to just take one in the ass on the air? They do that every day over at kdkb. There's a place for that. I'll gladly pass it on. No, I know it's immature and I know it's stupid to not want to get the checkup, but I don't. Yeah, I just don't want to find out. It's bad. And then I'm at the doctor every Tuesday. Like, this is going to be another weird day, but I don't know. Can kill me. My biggest beef there is if I started to die. What's my gofundme raised? I wasn't on Dawson's Creek. I just have this cruddy little show. So if I ran into. All right here. Hey, I don't think I'm gonna get into the millions. Maybe raise 40 or 50 grand.

[Dale Hellestray]

Right.

[Brett]

So it all depends on your status. Like if Tom Cruise.

[Kyle]

Local artists, you know, flood the page.

[Brett]

Yeah. And then. And then they're gonna. Then it's gonna drop. People bring it back. We have like school teachers and people in Queen Creek and all this other, like, dropping down. I'd actually end up owing them money after my. I try to get some money for my healthc. Just don't know why. That's a deal anyway. That's a sad one, though, because James Vanderbeek seemed to be a. A nice man. And I don't know. You don't like to say 47. That's a tough one. We've had that guy, the guy from three doors down.

[John Holmberg]

He was 47 as well.

[Kyle]

So is that.

[John Holmberg]

That's the two?

[Brett]

Well, it's two.

[John Holmberg]

Or is there another one?

[Brett]

Well, you're looking for a third. No, not.

[John Holmberg]

Not necessarily that. The stars and the threes.

[Brett]

We'll go with those two right now, but that's a tough one. And then you Start getting to the age where people younger than you are dying of, like, really serious stuff, not accidents. Or you're like, oh, my God, I'm older than that guy. You said, john, what if we had a reasonably attractive female practitioner who would finger you? And that's a better idea. You get to choose. You know, it's like a massage therapist. When they ask you want a male or a female, I'm like, yeah, I like that.

[Kyle]

If you're an attractive woman interested in medicine is you're not getting a proctology. Nope.

[Brett]

That's a good point. How many female proctologists are there?

[Kyle]

I'd venture to guess less than one half.

[Brett]

I'm not even going to throw a percentage. I think it's less than eight people.

[Kyle]

Total.

[Brett]

Total. I think there's like eight in the United States.

[Kyle]

In the United States, maybe.

[Audrey]

Yeah.

[Brett]

I'm going to do with eight female proctologists that. Why would they ever want to do that?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I mean, it's. Why would anybody want to do that? Male or female?

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Why do you want to look at a holes all day long?

[Brett]

Fascinated.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's true.

[Brett]

You go to school and you get to pick all that. Like podiatry would be like feet.

[John Holmberg]

That's another one.

[Brett]

Go to feet. I know it's gross, but it's better than buttholes like you. It's almost like they go to medical school and then you reach into a fishbowl. Ah, I got proctology.

[John Holmberg]

Plastic surgery.

[Brett]

Yeah. There.

[John Holmberg]

Create some nice cans every so often.

[Brett]

Don't think about the.

[John Holmberg]

You're an artist.

[Kyle]

How about this?

[Brett]

You have to fix, like. Talk about rehab addict.

[Kyle]

Guys, I just turned 25. It takes 15 minutes. Please get it done. Had mine done. They removed two polyps, came back negative for cancer. You do drop a quick five, but it's pretty cool.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Kyle]

Talking about the colonoscopy, that is. I didn't get the finger, just the camera. That's how I found mine.

[Brett]

Mine's good. I'm in there a lot digging around.

[Kyle]

I don't know if you're in there up high enough.

[Brett]

Sure I am, man.

[John Holmberg]

You better break out the night.

[Brett]

You do have long. We're in there.

[Kyle]

No, we got that thing. The. Didn't we get the thing with.

[Brett]

Oh, yeah, I got that thing for. It is for your butt too. Well, no, it isn't.

[John Holmberg]

It was there, wasn't it?

[Kyle]

No, no, no. That one is on the pen. The one we had has like a snake.

[Brett]

It's got a snake. Was it for butts? I Think.

[Kyle]

I think it could be.

[Brett]

Well, I'll do it myself. There you go again. I'll DIY this project.

[Kyle]

And then you got Facebook Live that for everybody.

[Brett]

And then with AI, Ask AI, how's this camera analyze these.

[Kyle]

These photos for polyps?

[Brett]

I mean, is it like, Asian haircuts? Do all.

[Kyle]

Excuse me.

[Brett]

Well, yeah. Do all colons and prostates look alike?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, they all got the Chinaman.

[Kyle]

Anyway, guys, you're forgetting Catherine o' Hara was a third. Oh, there's one colorectal cancer.

[Brett]

Oh, she had that and died of, like, a lung. Like, an aneurysm in her lung. It blew up. That's what got her. But she had the cancer, too. Anyway. But she's not getting a GoFundMe. Like, why do people think. James, her. The family comes out and says, we can't afford this. I'm like, all right, well, I hate to be.

[Kyle]

Did the family do that?

[Brett]

Yeah, but just sell the house.

[Kyle]

Sell the ranch.

[Brett]

Yeah. They live on a ranch, and I know that. Well, we can't disrupt the kids. Like, where you can't afford. Like, this is not a normal thing. If I have that parcel of the ranch. If I have that, I can't afford to pay the. My medical bills. I got to sell my house. Like, nobody's gonna say, oh, just keep it. Like, Dawson's Creek and Dawson Creek. I'm don't to be a dick. Wasn't that good? That's not good enough to part with your money to. You might need that money for your rectum someday. Am I wrong?

[Kyle]

No, you're 100% right.

[John Holmberg]

His residuals weren't good for his rectum. Yeah.

[Brett]

I mean, yeah. Anybody else on the planet has a residual family member passed away and you started. GoFundMe is not going to get to a million, too. If you've got a ranch of acreage and animals and, like, you sell the ranch.

[Kyle]

Varsity Blues is still playing. And.

[Brett]

Yeah, he gets.

[Kyle]

He's.

[Brett]

You know, he's not. He was on Fancy with the Stars. And I know medical bills get up there, but, I mean, come on. This one says, last time I got checked because the blood test PSA was high, the proctologist was female, and she said, are you cool with me doing this, or would you rather have a man? And I said, you. You've got small girl fingers. Smart move, Donovan. I would. I'll take those tiny little fingers all day.

[Kyle]

Yes. And textures, like, three in a row are like dudes. It's a routine part of the colonoscopy of the finger. No, we understand that.

[Brett]

Oh, that's what I'm saying.

[Kyle]

We're opting out.

[Brett]

I don't want that.

[Kyle]

Just give me the camera. I'll do. I might accept the camera.

[Brett]

Over a finger? Yeah. No, it's pencil. Yeah. No, they knock you out for a reason.

[Kyle]

Wait a minute. They knock you out to do. To give you the camera.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Kyle]

I didn't know that.

[Brett]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Kyle]

Well, why do they knock you?

[Brett]

Do some research and keep you away for a reason. Otherwise you just sound silly. Because it's because you got a camera up your ass.

[Kyle]

I don't want anybody fishing around in my butt while I'm out.

[Brett]

That's exactly right. This is a game the doctors are playing.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but if you're gonna do it, you might as well be out. You just. Out of sight, out of mind.

[Kyle]

I guess you don't want an accident like what John had with the people in this leaf.

[Brett]

Exactly.

[John Holmberg]

Outside, out of mind.

[Brett]

At that point, Dr. Huxtable has be that. This one says, I'm guessing you didn't have life insurance. Okay, fine. But I mean, tons of people don't.

[Kyle]

I don't know.

[Brett]

This one says, drop your pride and get the tube. It's easy, it's painless. It'll save your life.

[Kyle]

Now Toledo, get it done. You're in and out in 30 minutes. It's not when they knock you out and you're out in 30 minutes.

[Brett]

I'm not. It's people. People misunderstand that. I'm not. I'm not afraid of the thing in my ass. I'm afraid of them finding something.

[Kyle]

And this also isn't a selling point. And the nurses are usually hot.

[Brett]

Yeah, this one's a medical. She's an oncologist. You got to have the cancer to get to her. I'm not interested in those people. People sending me pictures of their doctors who are pretty. Pretty fingerers. Not interested. That so? Yeah, it's sad and do your thing, but I just don't want to look. I'm one of those weirdos that's not afraid of dying. I don't want to suffer, but I don't. I don't want to go to the doctor and find things like, I'm not searching. I'm fine until it hurts. I'm. I'm not going into. If I feel great and come out of there and like, oh, you got all sorts of problems. I feel terrible, and so I don't want to know.

[Kyle]

I don't want to go like Dave Nash on this But I do kind of prescribe to that. Like if you go to the doctor, they're finding something they want to.

[Brett]

You're asking them to, right?

[Kyle]

You're asking them to do their job.

[Brett]

See in a month or so. Yeah. Why? Well, I'm not done. Right.

[John Holmberg]

The Toledo, the camera's seven inches long. Do you really want to be awake for that?

[Kyle]

Seven inches.

[Brett]

Seven inches. It's a lot of camera.

[Kyle]

All right, knock me out.

[Brett]

Yeah, I'll take them. I'll take. Well, yeah, it's, that's, it's. I like that Toledo went to his longer than this. Yeah, he went to his. He went to his hand. Yeah, Your phone's about 7 inches.

[Kyle]

That's not 7. That's like 5.

[Brett]

That's about 7. Let me see yours. I know exactly how long mine is. Oh, we have the same one. Okay. There's six. It's. It's almost six full inches. Yeah. If you stick out an inch, another inch. Okay. I use this to measure me, to make sure I'm still. Use your phone to measure me. I'm gonna send you Parakeet X. Now there's another story that I, I also laugh at. I again, I'm in this mode where nothing. I'm blinded by the idea that nothing makes sense. There's a family in Illinois that just made it into the Guinness Book of World Records because they're liars. Oh, seven o' clock word, by the way, is distortion. Distortion is the word for seven. And you could do this at home. If you've got a. If you've got a parakeet or a minor bird or a cockatiel or something like that, call Guinness and say, I have the oldest cockatiel in the world. And they're like, oh yeah, how old?

[Dale Hellestray]

I don't know.

[Brett]

What's the oldest one currently on record? It's like 32. Mine's 33. These people say I've got a 32 year old, almost 33 year old cockatiel.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Kyle]

What are they carbon dating?

[Brett]

Who has a birth certificate and who like you? Okay, I've got some pictures. What do you just. You teach your cocktail the cockatiel to say stuff like OJ did it or Lewinsky. Like, see, he's been around since the 90s. And the 33 year old bird and it's the oldest one they say it was. He moved in with the family in 1993.

[John Holmberg]

He moved in, right?

[Brett]

Yeah, he just stayed his bags and he knocked on the door. Hello, my baby, hey. This brand new bird and they didn't know how old it was when they got it and it didn't live with them in 19. Somebody replaced it. Here's the thing I think happened with the 33 year old cockatiel. Somewhere along the lines dad and mom found the bird dead and I'm guessing that was somewhere around 2009. And the kids couldn't handle it if the cockatiel wasn't there. So they went and bought another one and they replaced it.

[Kyle]

Classic parenting strategy.

[Brett]

They don't have the heart to tell the family that they pulled a fast one. So now the kids called Guinness and the kids are probably 30 now that cockatiel's been around since I was 4. Like, huh? Yep, same cockatiel, no question there. And then they called Guinness and said the kids did it. Now the parents are in there. No 33 year old caged cockatiel living with some and evidently it got mush mouth and can't do anything anymore. Oh gee, did it turn it to friends, I hate Frasier. Teach it those phrases and then call Guinness and go, this thing's 40. Sam Malone's hilarious Thursdays at 8.

[John Holmberg]

Cheers.

[Brett]

Like, oh, it's just copying what I heard on tv, but when I was a kid, turn on Matlock.

[John Holmberg]

You want to be real old.

[Brett]

The Rockford file starts at seven like this. It's an 80 year old bird. Just teach it crazy stuff and then there's nobody, nobody's going to ever question it. You're not going to get some carbon date analyst to come out and do a thing on your dying cockatiel.

[Dale Hellestray]

Visit Homeburg's Morning Sickness online at 98kupd.comberg's Morning Sickness.

[Brett]

And by the way, you got a cockatiel that is 30. You start poking around, you don't wait to go 30. So they just made it up.

[Kyle]

What do you mean poking around?

[Brett]

Look, I got to, I'm telling you, like if right now I'm like, hey, that cockatiel of mine is 30, you got to suppose that's the record, right? And then you go and find out, no, it's 32. Like let's lie, no one's going to know. And then the Guinness book people come and I think it's like 12 or 1300 bucks from Guinness if you're getting the book. So if you've got a bird right now that's kind of a little ragged, little rough around the edges, you know, and it can't got the bird Alzheimer's or whatever it's got, call up Guinness make up a. Look up what kind of bird you have, find out exactly what the oldest one is and trumpet before you know it. In like five years, it'll be like 200 year old cockatiel lives at somebody's.

[John Holmberg]

House or get a life.

[Brett]

I don't buy into this. Well, yeah, you can get a life.

[John Holmberg]

If you got to call Guinness because your cockatiel is the oldest one. What are you getting out of it? A plaque.

[Brett]

You get a plaque and some money. They pay a little.

[John Holmberg]

What are they paying?

[Brett]

I was like 1200 bucks. I think they give you. I know, I know. Look, I think they give. I think they give you a nice chunk.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

And you look like a jerk off.

[Kyle]

What happens if somebody beats you? A record? You have to give the money back.

[Brett]

No, I think you get it because you held it for a time. The, the cockatiel that it whistled the theme to the Bridge over the River Kwai and Andy Griffith. But don't parrots live to be like 70? You have to will those things to people.

[Kyle]

Yeah, well, the parrot I had, the.

[Brett]

Cursing parrot, the Nicole Curtis parrot somewhere in Mesa.

[Kyle]

Nico is still out there.

[Brett]

He's out there. Yeah. But anyway, it's unethical.

[John Holmberg]

It says they don't pay.

[Brett]

They don't pay.

[John Holmberg]

Guinness World Records does not pay money to record holders or for breaking or setting records.

[Brett]

Well, then you're right. Exactly.

[John Holmberg]

What a waste of time.

[Brett]

Now you're just. Now it's just an ego thing. By the way, I, I do this so you don't have to. I did a deep dive of the most amazing thing I've ever seen on the heels of Pavlov's dogs. You know that where they just, they associated feeding with a bell. And then every time. And then they took the food away. But every time the bell rang, the dogs would start to like and drool. They're like, oh. It caused the bell became representative of food at that same. This is when everybody that says kids are having it tough nowadays and it's harder to be. I've said it, I'll say it every day that I'm alive. It is easier to be alive today than it has ever been ever. No question. Especially for your kids. Your kids have got it. Every generation has it easier than the last one. And that's called technology. And generationally we look at it as, oh my God, it's so difficult because we don't understand it. But they're fine. And here's how I know it. After, like, this was probably the most amazing thing that was ever volunteered for after the Pavlov's dog thing where they're like, well, we can make dogs associate sounds with other things and have their bodies actually react to those sounds. They're like, what about a baby? And they, they kept the baby for nine months, a nine month old baby. They kept him in conditions where they would just. They all they tried to do every single minute of every day was make him afraid of animals. He's an infant, he's nine months old. So he sat in this cage like a baby that was going to be adopted. Like, who cares about this one?

[Kyle]

What country did this?

[Brett]

United States of America. And so they would say they wanted to see if they could condition the infant to be afraid of certain animals. And they'd show the baby various things like a rabbit, a monkey, a white rat and then burning newspapers or something like, you know. And so when the rat was shown, they played a super loud noise and Little Albert was his name. And the tale of little Albert is amazing. And they said they, he would associate the white rat with that sound and then eventually they could just show him the white rat and then he'd react to the gong noise without it actually going off. Like he. And then, so then after a while they, they started to introduce real rats to Little Albert's cage is a person. And they shoved it in there and then he'd be like, he'd just be waiting for that noise. And then he was just terrified of white rats. And it was. They managed to make him cry every day, multiple times a day with scary sounds or images that made him hate animals. So they got the white rat like, that's it. Every time we play that gong, he starts looking for a rat and he's like, of course. So they recorded another session where they had. The rat would like, if even saw like a hint of the rat, he'd start to whimper a little, just waiting for that horrible sound. Your kids are so. It's so easy for them. Then he was subjected to five instances of the scary noises and the rat. And when they showed the little boy the rat again, he just lost it, started pissing himself, rolled over into the corner.

[John Holmberg]

A crazy lab is this. This is.

[Brett]

Then a month later, they bring him back from the orphanage and little Albert's there and we're not done with you yet. And then they started to show him scary stuff again and they'd shoot the rat across because it's been a month since they'd done it. And he's like, no, he's still scared of the Rat. Good job, everybody. And then he had a mother, and then she took him out of the hospital. So there were no more deconday. They promised the families, like, look, we're gonna do this, and then we're gonna reverse it.

[John Holmberg]

And he gave dinner at Rodigio Steakhouse or something for all.

[Brett]

Exactly. Little Alber, it was taken away by his mom. Like, you're not doing this anymore. It was Appalachian State University, and they had another kid. They just got some nurse. It's like, well, you're a single mom here in the 1930s. We're going to take your baby. It's a waste of time. It doesn't have a father. And then they would start to do that with. With stuff. They would have, like, they blind him with things and stuff like that. Yeah, your kids have it so easy. Google search. Little Albert. Poor Little Albert. The baby experiment. James Vanderbeek's getting a million two for not having. Not being able to sell his ranch. Where's the money for Little Albert's family?

[Kyle]

Did I. Did I miss what? Like, how recent is this thing?

[Brett]

This was this year. Oh, no, no, no. Yeah. No, can't do it now. This was. I mean, the pictures look pretty early 1900s.

[Kyle]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I thought you were talking. This is recent.

[Brett]

Oh, no, no, no. Well, that was my point 10 years ago. My point is today your kids can't even, like, get close to a bike store without wearing a helmet. Little Albert was. It was totally reasonable.

[Kyle]

It's not exactly related, but you saw those, like, people that lived in cities used to have little cages that would hang out out the side of the building. Their kids would sit in cages.

[John Holmberg]

The good old days.

[Brett]

That's what I'm saying.

[Kyle]

It's like a kid kennel.

[Brett]

That to me, those pictures in New York were like, the kid could. In a fence, in a cage.

[John Holmberg]

You can close the window so you don't have to listen to the damn thing.

[Brett]

And Eric Clapton tried it and it didn't work anymore. But that. I don't know when that stopped. Like, box it up and put it outside for a little bit. It's a nice day. And then they just, like. Loads of kids would just sit in fenced boxes. Now I see kids at the rah Rah room getting steak that they don't appreciate. They didn't care if they got it or not. They'd eat Cheerios off the ground. And mom and dad are spending a couple hundred bucks. It's just so hard to be a child. It is so easy right now to be A child. I'm listening to the news and they're talking about kids in Queen Creek. And they're back on that again. It's like, oh, my God, they had a thing about today is. I don't know if it's today or somewhere in February. It's teen violent dating month or something. I forgot what they called it. But yeah, it's like, well, you're supposed to be aware.

[Kyle]

Violence in dating month.

[Brett]

Yeah, well, no, they're dating violence. And of course it's violence dating. And so they're teens, though, and they're like, it's so hard for kids today because, you know, evidently there's beat the tar out of each other on dates. I didn't think that's a thing.

[John Holmberg]

It's Chris Brown Day or what, right?

[Brett]

I mean, Jesus, So easy. All the kids do is just grab iPads and doordash food to each other. That's a date. Hilarious.

[John Holmberg]

It's going to be like Demolition man, where they put the helmets on and no touching good, you know?

[Brett]

But man, oh, man, I don't want to hear it about your kids anymore. Having a tough time. Oh, the dating situation. So hard. And there's. We have to really keep an eye on them. They'll harm themselves. Like, why are your kids upset that Just read Little Albert to them. It needs to be a children's book. At least you're not Little Albert.

[Kyle]

Jesus, Holmberg. I thought this was recent. I just looked it up. Thank God it was in the twenties. We've moved on.

[Brett]

It's a hundred years ago, but think about that. It was only a hundred years ago. One hundred years ago. They're like, do we have any babies? No one loves. I have one. Give it to me. I want to scare it. Like, every day for a long time. How old is it? Nine months. It's in its easiest form of brain development. Oh, we're gonna f with this thing for days.

[Dale Hellestray]

Look at him.

[Brett]

Look at him with the rats. He thinks the gong's gonna play. And Little Albert had to sit there with. And then a rat would run by, and they did it to him over and over until it was just. Just one represented the other and it was a mess. You even play a gong next to a kid now. I tried to give money to a teenager working, or probably early 20s person working at a QT. And I could see the neurodivergence. And I had 20 bucks in my hand, and I aimed it at her like you're supposed to. I aimed at her. Hands went up like I Was robbing the place. I'm like, put your hands down. You're gonna get me killed.

[Kyle]

Yeah, don't be on video.

[Brett]

I don't know what you're doing. And I'm like, I'm paying for a diet coke here. Put it down. Like, ah.

[John Holmberg]

Did you call Curtis or something?

[Brett]

No.

[John Holmberg]

Why did she freak out so bad?

[Brett]

She's got autism.

[Kyle]

She's never handled cash because she's little Albert.

[Brett]

No, I was. I guess I was coming in hot. She's never seen anybody hand her anything. And her hands went up like. I was like, give me all the money.

[Kyle]

John, I've learned from your show that I'm not into protests. I don't think that they do anything, but when you mentioned little Albert, I was ready to put my sign together and start protesting.

[Brett]

Oh, it's just. Come on.

[Dale Hellestray]

It's just.

[Brett]

Knock it off. Give me a nine month old. I want to scare the crap out of it. How long? I don't know. A year or so. We're going to science, and, yeah, it's a. They want to see if they condition them to become afraid of things and then associate it with other things. And then the end game was, can we make a baby afraid? Yes.

[Kyle]

This guy says no. I think that class at Appalachian State University was part of a new degree program. How to create a serial killer.

[Brett]

Yeah, I don't know what happened to little Albert after.

[Kyle]

That's what you need to follow up on.

[Brett]

Find him. But mom's like, okay. Of course the baby's afraid of gongs and rats. So am I, by the way. If a rat went by right now and then a Chinaman hammered a gong, my whole body would shudder. I'd probably piss. What were the.

[Dale Hellestray]

What.

[Brett]

What did you expect? The baby just be like, what else you got?

[Dale Hellestray]

Come on.

[Brett]

Rats don't bother me. And gongs are cool. Going next. So the results of the study have been questioned over time. Little Albert being nine months old and stuff, couldn't really give consent to the experiment, so they say. As for what happened to little Albert, unclear. Subsequent researchers tried to identify. Identify him, and they found candidates. They think his name is Douglas Merritt. He was the son of a wet nurse who worked at John Hopkins University. And sadly, the boy. That kid had water on the brain, so they couldn't. They couldn't ask him any questions. They think it's also possibly Albert Barger, who lived a long, happy life and died in 2007. But I'm guessing that a little hour.

[John Holmberg]

I'm going with Douglas.

[Brett]

I'm gonna go with the first dude.

[John Holmberg]

Douglas one says he died when he was six. After all those nightmares, there's no way that he died. 2000.

[Brett]

Yeah. Again, give that a go for me. Rat runs by I'm losing my mind.

[John Holmberg]

Anyway, no one likes a rat.

[Brett]

Nobody. It's 7:17. Everybody says the app crashed. You guys might have wrecked the app. I'm not sure if that's really.

[John Holmberg]

There's a shocker.

[Brett]

We're working on it.

[Kyle]

We're working on it.

[Brett]

The.

[Kyle]

The property or proper people have been notified.

[Brett]

Don't count on it. So distortion only works at 98kUpd, but that's not even gonna work there, is it? No, they're separate.

[Kyle]

Okay, go to the website and put it in.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Good.

[John Holmberg]

DJ says podcast not playing on the app right now. So I had to switch to this thing called a radio.

[Brett]

Yeah, I don't even know what those are anymore. I hear our the Bob's up north talk about that all the time.

[Kyle]

Guess what? We're gonna hear from The Bob's at 10am Your radio numbers really spiked.

[Brett]

No, what we'll hear from the Bob's is what happened to the contest. The numbers really fell off at 7. Everything you guys do is broken.

[John Holmberg]

Huh.

[Brett]

And then they just ignore that. Well, you know, you could have just brought them over to radio. Yeah, I know. You guys making it so hard for everybody. We're 45 different things. Pick a lane.

[Dale Hellestray]

Bob's.

[Brett]

God, these douchebags have ruined the whole thing. So sorry about that, folks. Not our fault, but evidently the app took a dump. If you do still have access to a computer and you're on the radio, distortion is the seven o' clock word.

[John Holmberg]

Top men have been aware of this.

[Brett]

Oh, yeah, yeah. The big wigs are in charge of it. You know what they do too. They stare at it and then come down here and tell us, yeah, it's down. Well, we told you that. Yeah, yeah, and I agree with Kyle, who just says the app sucks. The podcast is going to hell. I agree. It's not our fault. Blame all the knobs that run this thing. I just read that little Albert changed the his name to Adolf and moved to Germany. Yeah, that's. That would be pretty reasonable. I just don't care for rats. I could scare your baby right now scientifically, with a gong and a white rat. And for about a year. That kid's not gonna like either.

[Kyle]

Listen to a JD just texted in his opener. Hey, Juno's okay. One of my earliest memories was when I had my tonsils Out. I was about three years old, 1966. They put me in a caged bed, waiting in the hallway for them to.

[Brett]

Knock me out because you were gonna lose your mind.

[Kyle]

Put him in a caged bed.

[Brett]

That's pretty awesome. It was like a crib. Good crib in a cage.

[Dale Hellestray]

Better.

[Brett]

The same thing. I. My earliest memory. My earliest memory. I broke my leg when I was two at Hook's Drugstore in Lowell, Indiana. And I remember it. And it was on a wet floor. We should have sued him, but my grandpa just kept going, you're fine. And he kept walking me around. That's my earliest memory. And to this day, if I see somebody mopping up at a drugstore. I like carpeted drugstores, like CVS and more.

[John Holmberg]

They've got Johnny.

[Brett]

If I see any. Oh, it screws you up. And it's a. It's because I was 2.

[Kyle]

Have we talked to our friend Jeff who ripped his kid's arm out of his sock?

[Brett]

Yeah, I don't know. I have, actually. They came to my house for a Steelers game this year, and little Nicholas is, like, 30 now, but.

[Kyle]

Oh, my God.

[Brett]

Yeah, but his. I don't know. If he tried to pick him up by his arm, he'd probably start screaming because his arm came out in a grocery store. Nicholas was losing his mind, and Jeff grabbed his arm and yanked him. Well, he knocked him down, and then he went. And. And so he had, like. He ended up bumping his face. He had a bloody nose. And then Jeff grabbed his arm and pulled him up. And when he pulled him up, he didn't realize he'd ripped it out of its socket. And the kid's just. He's like, shut up. Nothing's wrong. You're just being a jerk. And he didn't realize he'd ripped his son's arm out of the socket. And so he had to take this kid with his arm ripped out of his socket and blood on his shirt. And I happened to be wearing. Because at the time, it wasn't cool, but almost. You were wearing one of those gas stat shirts with your name patch on it.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my God.

[Brett]

So he just looked full white. Trace. Something wrong with this thing. And it's arms dangling like it's got polio, and he's got blood on his shirt. And they immediately CPS the whole thing.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, sir, which trailer park do you live in?

[Brett]

But that's what my grandpa did when I broke my leg at the thing. We went out in the snow in the parking lot, and he made me Walk around in circles on a broken leg going, you're fine. Walk it off, you're fine. And my dad was like, yeah, you're fine. I remember the whole day.

[Kyle]

But this day and age, like, I don't know how Jeff didn't have this happen to him. When Alex did his dive off the balcony, the cops showed up at the emergency room.

[Brett]

Oh, I think that happened to Jeff.

[Kyle]

Oh, it did. Okay.

[Brett]

I think that happened too, in my case.

[Kyle]

I knew as soon as they walked in, I knew what was going on.

[Brett]

My grandpa and dad took me home and said, he won't stop crying. Something's wrong with it. And my mom's like, what'd you do? Oh, he fell down at the. At the drugstore. Then what'd you do? Well, we walked him around and he was fine and. But I was.

[Kyle]

Walked on a broken leg.

[Brett]

I had a broken leg. And my grandpa. Well, because I was in the snow thing, so you couldn't see that my leg was like swollen talking, like low leg, upper leg, lower leg. Yeah. And I remember the whole day. And then my mom's like, oh, jackasses. Like, she looked at my dad. You idiots. I'm crying my eyes out. And they took me to the hospital and I just remember people hovering above me. And then I got this weird big cast put on with a rubber stopper in the bottom because I was brand new to walking. But if I see you mopping a floor, you might as. It's like, I might as well be the scarecrow around fire. I hate it. So I can understand with little Albert a little bit, but it's pretty easy to make a kid scared of rats and gongs. Look, give me a kid right now and I'll wreck him for rats and gongs in a half hour. I give me a 20 year old and I can do it in probably a day. Anyway. Give me your 20 year olds and your children. I'll do some work. It's 7:23. If you're still looking to get that app. The name is. Or the word is distortion. Brad. What do you got it through? What do you get in the big yellow? I don't care. Good luck. Good luck to you. It's not my problem anymore. What do you got on the big board there?

[John Holmberg]

All right, wake up song time and first one on the list for Brady. Killed by Death for Motorhead. Faith no More. The kids aren't all right. Warning Sick in this moment. Horror for well, Yesterday. Five Finger Death, Punch, Mud Vein, Corn, Fear Factory, Pantera Rise, Van Halen, Pound Cake for Edward, the guy that won Sarah yesterday.

[Kyle]

Nice.

[John Holmberg]

And System of a Down.

[Kyle]

And then texters are saying, rats by.

[Brett]

Ghost for Young for Little Albert. Little Rats. I have a gong song today. You know what? I want to hear some Pound Cake by Van Halen.

[John Holmberg]

All right.

[Brett]

Mainly because it is exactly what Edward's gonna do to our. Our prize. She's gonna hurt Edward. He's in for it. There was another guy. She got the email and she's. She's working on a couple of them. But, yeah, I mean, we may be responsible for, like, the spread of STDs, but it's not our fault.

[John Holmberg]

What are you gonna do?

[Brett]

Wrap it up? Edward. You heard her yesterday when Sarah said it. I was wearing a condom. It's like he's not even in the room. Like, that is the worst great logic I've ever heard in my life. Life. And this song is underrated. It's as old as that bird, though, coming out of 1991. How about that things 35 pound cake. This didn't come. This wasn't in a movie.

[John Holmberg]

No, it. Humans. That was.

[Brett]

That's the one that was in Twister. But yeah, Pound Cake was just. This was when they kind of tried with Sammy Hagar to be cool. Double entendre cool. This is about a vagina or butt. Is it a butter or a vagina? What would the pound cake represent?

[Kyle]

Either way, I think Brett's right.

[John Holmberg]

Pounding away. It doesn't matter.

[Kyle]

Whatever your preference is.

[Brett]

All right.

[John Holmberg]

But she doesn't do the butt stuff, so. Edward, be careful where you go with that.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Don't screw that from yesterday.

[Brett]

Sarah's butt stuff. She's not into that. And I don't know what kind of only fans Christian turns down the butt. That's. I'm an only fans Christian. Which is a great band name also. You can get on that.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah.

[Brett]

This song is underrated. This has some stuff to it. It's Pound Cake from van Halen. It's 98 KUPD.

[John Holmberg]

Hey.

[Brett]

It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee. I have heard enough of this.

[Dale Hellestray]

Morning sickness.

[Brett]

You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. 98. So Gooman.

[Dale Hellestray]

Get it.

[Brett]

Slim Biscuit. Right there. The app's down. Everything's broken. But we'll go on. We don't care. We are just going to continue just. I guess Bentley's jerking off over here. There's nobody. It's not.

[John Holmberg]

You know, there's no other way to hear us.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

There's another Word. There's that one thing, ironically. Radio.

[Brett]

Yeah, well, you could run the radio again. This podcast.

[John Holmberg]

Good luck finding that.

[Brett]

The word was broken and then everything broke and then seven o' clock it was distortion and then everything got distorted. The good News is at 8 o' clock, the word is orchestral. So it'll all come back in a beautiful fashion.

[John Holmberg]

Good luck spelling that one.

[Brett]

But currently we're. I mean, I guess we're on the. We're like a woman on a vacation wearing that diaper of despair.

[Dale Hellestray]

Ruined.

[Brett]

Ruined it all.

[John Holmberg]

I'm broken again.

[Brett]

Broken. Yeah, so's our app. What are you gonna do? So's my app. Yeah, we know. Anyway, we'll try to get it fixed. Eight o' clock, Orchestral. If you can hear us now, I'm not gonna waste time like waiting for the times. If this stuff can't stay together. It's not my. It's above my pay grade. I do enough around here. I don't have to worry about fixing stuff and then take the heat for it when it drops. That's on somebody else. Somebody get their ass out of bed and come fix it. If the apps broken, who fixes it? Who do you text?

[Kyle]

Apparently it's Mike.

[Brett]

Mike see her?

[Kyle]

I don't think so.

[Dale Hellestray]

They had.

[Kyle]

They had to contact him.

[Brett]

Is he on vacation?

[John Holmberg]

Maybe he's broken too.

[Brett]

He's broken? Yeah, he's wearing. He too is wearing the diaper of embarrassment. All right, it's back. A guy said. Scott just says it's back. We'll run with that. Brady is broken as well. Brady's not here today. He's very ill and it's not his kidneys. A lot of people ask, is Brady dead? It's a reasonable question, you know.

[John Holmberg]

It is. It is.

[Brett]

It is a reasonable question. Look, you look at him and you're like, oh, tick tock. But. But come on. He's been doing really well. He just caught something. He thinks he's got a sinus infection. I don't know how it works.

[John Holmberg]

Confession from yesterday.

[Brett]

Oh, he's.

[John Holmberg]

That's what's happening.

[Brett]

He's taking a break from being in the same room with S. Cleansing. The power of Christ compelled him. So he's going to fix all this, but he's not here today. So I guess we have to do it this way. It's time for the Guinea News.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

It'S time for Brett to give you all the news that only Brett knows. It's the Guinea Report and it's brought to you by our friends Pro Shade. Get Your shades ready. Get that outdoor space outdoorsy and make it so you guys can have part of your house. Be outside, inside, outside. They have that style. Every real estate agent will tell you you got outdoor living space. You just. You basically added square footage to your house. And that's what all Pro Shade does. They make it look good. I saw one they had on their website over a cabana by a pool. And it's gorgeous. It's amazing. They have top notch stuff. Don't make it look like you did it yourself. Get the pros involved. They've been at it for over 20 years for a reason. And they are great. All pro shade.com Brett reported.

[John Holmberg]

How you doing, everybody? Here we go. Let's start off with. Apparently today is National Lost Penny day, which should be for everybody, because didn't they discontinue them?

[Brett]

They stopped. Yeah, yeah. There's no more pennies.

[John Holmberg]

Do anything with pennies. And in honor of Brady, apparently today is recognized as National Plum Pudding Day.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yuck.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it sounds terrible.

[Brett]

Yeah, I used to love plums. I don't know what happened.

[John Holmberg]

I don't mind plums, but plum pudding.

[Brett]

I didn't know what plum pudding. I spent a long time and I ate it and I was like, no, this. You know why? Because it tastes like a. Like again. I'm gonna do the thing I did with strawberries. A plum is just like. If you could carve out a bruise and eat it.

[John Holmberg]

There'S somebody on their way to work.

[Brett]

It looks like a bruise. It has that bruise feeling. And if you could just like melon ball out a bruise and put it in your mouth, I think it's a plum. And again, for those of you who don't know strawberries, same exact texture, shape, and bite resistance as an alcoholic homeless man's nose. And each seed represents every pore with a blackhead in it. Enjoy your strawberries this morning. Don't get me started on coconut because you might as well just lick a barbershop floor. It's the same exact. The feeling in your mouth is the same when you eat shredded coconut as if you just took a handful of hair.

[John Holmberg]

So you're not eating an Almond Joy anytime soon.

[Brett]

Almond Joy is of Satan. That is a joke candy. And some people will like in. They don't tell you it looks like a little. They don't tell you right away they need to put coconut on top. You can't hide it inside because if you take a bite of an Almond Joy and you're just thinking, oh, this is going to Be a great chunk of chocolate. It's probably something delicious. And then there's hair in it because that's what it is.

[John Holmberg]

What about a coconut cream pie?

[Brett]

No.

[John Holmberg]

Is it the texture or is it the taste too?

[Brett]

Brett, if you covered it in hair, I wouldn't know the difference.

[John Holmberg]

Difference?

[Brett]

Coconut cream pie and hair cream pie.

[John Holmberg]

Stop it. You sound like.

[Brett]

I'd rather. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would rather eat a real hair pie than a coconut pie. Put me to the test. Take those two little tins of pies and fill one with coconut and whipped cream and one with hair and whipped cream. Blindfold me. And I bet you I finished the heroin first because I take one bite of coconut and I'm spit. Strawberries. Take a bite of a strawberry right now. That's right. You're adorable. You got your hair done. You look fantastic this morning. You're gonna have your little healthy strawberries. Take a bite of a strawberry. But close your eyes and picture the last giant alcoholic red nosed homeless. And just think of every seed popping in your mouth the same way the blackhead's off his nose. And that noise it would make is exactly. It's exactly the same. Hang on. I can find. Makes that same kind. Oh. Oh, wait. I think it's this. Ah.

[John Holmberg]

Right.

[Brett]

Exactly.

[Dale Hellestray]

My.

[Brett]

No. Strawberries are so gross.

[John Holmberg]

All right, here's some basic fun facts for you guys. There's a 60 mile. And I'm sure a lot of you guys know if you've been past Tucson. But there's a 60 mile stretch of Interstate 19 in Arizona where all the signs are only in kilometers. Yes. It's a relic from the Carter administration when they were trying to get the US to convert over to the metric system. And I guess there's been a push for it lately to get it changed. And the locals like, nope. You keep them kilometers right where they're at. Yeah.

[Brett]

I don't know why that was a. They tested it here in Arizona when Carter wanted to go metric.

[John Holmberg]

They're like, nah, just try.

[Dale Hellestray]

Already doing it.

[Kyle]

19. The newest tree freeway.

[Brett]

Could be.

[John Holmberg]

I think that's. Isn't that the one? But it's between Nogales and Tucson. Or is that. Yeah, I don't know.

[Brett]

I don't. Yes.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. Yes.

[Brett]

I'd have to go to Tucson first with the goal of getting to Mexico or Sierra Vista.

[John Holmberg]

That's a goal.

[Brett]

Yeah. It ain't happening. You very rarely see anybody heading south. Like, I can't wait to sneak into Mexico. It's not a thing. They don't have A problem with it.

[John Holmberg]

All right. In real life, gun silencers don't really work like they do in the movies. The gun. Gun silencer still makes a noise about as loud as a police siren, which.

[Brett]

Is that real?

[John Holmberg]

No, it's not that.

[Brett]

You got a suppressor. Yeah. And it just. It just kind of makes it. You hear it?

[Dale Hellestray]

But.

[Brett]

Yeah, yeah. Explosion.

[John Holmberg]

No, it's. I don't know why they're comparing it with police sirens, but that's about 100 times quieter than a gun without a silencer. But it's still pretty loud.

[Brett]

Apparently, Kyle said he was going to try to, you know, be funny and follow up, and he just googled hair cream pie and he goes, good Lord, the things I've seen. Yeah, he did it for you. So, you know, I'm sure I'll have.

[John Holmberg]

Some of those in the videos in a while. You're about a half an inch taller in the morning than you are at night because the discs in your spine have been relaxed all night.

[Brett]

And then the misery of over the day.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, they squash down a little bit and do gravity and physical. Or lack of physical activity in some people's cases.

[Brett]

What if you didn't sleep the night before and you were like.

[John Holmberg]

If you're like a tweaker, you just.

[Brett]

Like you're just humping or something. All night long. Does your spine get. Do you wake up shorter? That'd be interesting.

[John Holmberg]

I know, because they don't relax, especially if you're. If you're banging away all night.

[Brett]

That's exactly right.

[John Holmberg]

We'll have to ask Edward and Sarah next time.

[Brett]

I wonder if you get shorter after a night of vigorous dry humping. Huh?

[Kyle]

Vigorous.

[Brett]

Vigorous triumph. It's a great band name.

[John Holmberg]

All right. The most lopsided game in college football history was in 1916. We all remember the good old days.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

When Georgia Tech won 222 to 0.

[Brett]

Over Harvard or something.

[John Holmberg]

Over a school from Tennessee called Cumberland College. I'm sure they're not around any.

[Brett]

Maybe Cumberland Gap in Tennessee probably all.

[John Holmberg]

Killed themselves after that loss. 222.

[Kyle]

Right. You're dark.

[Brett]

Just.

[John Holmberg]

Just put the defense.

[Brett]

Brady wouldn't got a firing squad. All a cumber killed themselves.

[John Holmberg]

They should. Yeah, well, you lose by 222 points.

[Brett]

Imagine if you're a guy before the game's like. I don't know. I just put a bet down. I. I'm given two. 25 and a half. And you lose by the hook.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

All right.

[John Holmberg]

Valentine's Day. I guess it's getting a little Bit more costly every year. Like with everything. But an average date now costs $189 on Valentine's Day.

[Brett]

Or generally.

[John Holmberg]

Generally. But the Valentine's Day is bringing that. Bringing those numbers up a little bit.

[Brett]

But each person is 189 bucks. That's a little heavy. The whole date itself is 190.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, basically 190, which is 12 and a half percent higher than it was last year.

[Brett]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

You know, dinner, drinks and all the activity. Seeing a movie, you know, top golf or whatever. Everything's, you know, up in price.

[Brett]

All right.

[John Holmberg]

The average American spent more than $2,300 in dates last year. Last year. And 65% of people in serious relationships try to divide the dating costs evenly. So kind of going Dutch.

[Brett]

You got to pay for half of this.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

I get blowjobs from you in March. I don't have to do Extra in February.

[John Holmberg]

50% of Gen Zers and 40% of millennials say the. The cost of dating is getting way out of reach for their financial goals. And especially millennials who spend more than anyone else at $252 a date.

[Brett]

Well, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

So they're not being cheap.

[Brett]

Yeah, Millennials are throwing. Throwing down 50 on a date.

[John Holmberg]

Throwing down some Jack.

[Brett]

That's nice.

[John Holmberg]

That's a good.

[Brett]

And then it's a good place. You're taking somebody to a nice place there.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And with Valentine's Day coming up, they're saying that 83% of people plan to buy a gift for their significant other. You guys in on that? You guys got to do that?

[Brett]

Look, if you need a day to remind you that everybody around you need to. Needs attention, then you're not paying attention.

[John Holmberg]

At least.

[Kyle]

At least pretty good.

[Brett]

It's for people who aren't.

[Kyle]

Your anniversary tomorrow.

[Brett]

Those things are silly. You just go and like, look, It's Friday the 13th. That says everything. But the 14th is, you know, if you're. I remember my friend's girlfriend, like, Valentine's Day. She didn't tell him what she wanted, but it had to hit certain. I had to check boxes for her, and if he didn't.

[John Holmberg]

And misery that he wasn't gonna check the box.

[Brett]

And so he's like, I hate Valentine's Day. This is a test for me. And I'm like, you're with a crazy person. Like, if Valentine's Day means something to them, that means that, you know, other days they could be doing nice things. They should do something nice all the time. Every day should be Valentine's Day. You shouldn't Be. Have. Have to have a day to go. Oh, yeah, I gotta be nice to you today.

[John Holmberg]

When I first hooked up with Matthia, you know, first Valentine's Day comes around, and I'm like, what. What are we doing? And she's like, like, nothing. Don't waste your money or time. And I'm like, even the day before my. Are you sure? Because you're not getting anything, and I don't want to hear it. And a weird. I still better be getting something.

[Brett]

That's what my buddy's girlfriend used to do. So you don't want to get me anything. Don't. That's fine. We'll do that this year. And then he would follow through. And she's like, I can't believe you.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

And those are the crazy ones. But, yeah, you don't need that stuff. Valentine's Day is. And basically what Matthia was telling you was, I don't want to buy you anything. So don't make this weird.

[John Holmberg]

58% of people will buy other family members, like kids, parents, or siblings, something for Valentine's Day. 35% will buy stuff for their dogs.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Or pets, you know, cats and stuff like that. As well. 33% will buy for their friends. I don't get that at all.

[Brett]

Yeah, I don't get. That's weird.

[John Holmberg]

It must be broads at Postino Galentine. And 27% will be buying stuff for their children's classmates and teachers.

[Brett]

Here's a. Here's a rule. If you just. What was the thing? Yesterday's the day to break up with somebody, so you don't have to buy them anything. What if you had, like. And also no first dates on this week.

[Dale Hellestray]

Oh, no.

[Brett]

This whole, like, I guess, February. You just stay out of that. Right?

[Kyle]

No. Starts on Sunday.

[Brett]

You can start dating again Sunday. But you don't up to, like, if you just. Look, if you were. No first dates. Like, if you got one plan tonight, cancel. Like, fake a seizure. Because it's too much. Yeah. I mean, because then you got to dodge each other on Valentine's Day because it's too gay.

[John Holmberg]

If you're a single dude, that's the time to go to the bars on Valentine's Day because those. Those broads sitting there by themselves. Easy pickings. Think about it.

[Brett]

Think about it. Yeah. All right. But do you want a girl who goes and treats herself alone on Valentine's Day? She might be for the night.

[John Holmberg]

For the night. I'm not saying it's relationship.

[Brett]

She's gonna bring a toothbrush. And plant it at your house. House.

[John Holmberg]

No, you don't go to your house.

[Brett]

She's going to find it and move in on her own while you're at work. She's going to move in. You're going to have new furniture by.

[John Holmberg]

Don't be cheap. Get a hotel room. She'll never know where you live.

[Dale Hellestray]

Visit Homeburg's morning sickness [e-mail] Holmberg's Morning Sickness.

[John Holmberg]

82% of Americans say Valentine's Day is a trick just to make you spend more money.

[Brett]

It is?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Good Christ. Anyway.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

40% of people admit to having a Valentine's day budget. And 48% of people would not marry someone with bad budgeting habits. And as a matter of fact, 60% say irresponsible spending is a bigger turnoff than bad breath.

[Brett]

Really? I think I'd rather have somebody who can curb their spending then. So.

[John Holmberg]

So you'll trade in. You'll trade in credit score for. For better breath.

[Brett]

No, because that's bad.

[John Holmberg]

Spending is credit.

[Dale Hellestray]

Oh, no, no. Yeah.

[Brett]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, if her credit is bad. Yeah, you can't. Can't. You just can't deal with that. Gotta have good credit. If you can have good credit and bad breath, I can give you some gum and get some gum. It's a good point, Brett.

[John Holmberg]

There's some Colgate.

[Brett]

It's eight o'. Clock. By the way, orchestral is the word for eight o'. Clock.

[Kyle]

Good luck with that one.

[Brett]

Yeah, I'm not helping you with that. There's not a K in it. Most of Phoenix Orchestral.

[John Holmberg]

Apparently the average person falls passionately in love only twice in their life. And 14% of single adults said they've never experienced it at all.

[Brett]

Love.

[John Holmberg]

Well, passionate love.

[Kyle]

Passionate love.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Gabriel just said, I dumped my girlfriend last week so I don't have to get anything. I'm gonna try to get back together with her next Monday.

[Kyle]

Day smart.

[Brett]

He's broke.

[John Holmberg]

What a cheap prick. But I love the move.

[Brett]

Love the move. I don't know. Yes, Very nice. This guy said 189 bucks for a date. John, you haven't been on a date in a long time. It's 130 for ax throwing in the smash place. Add in food, you're going to 200 bucks fast. It's a good first day to go chuck axes at a wall.

[John Holmberg]

Well, think how much. Does it go to a ball game or something like that now, too?

[Brett]

Oh, yeah. Know it's insane.

[John Holmberg]

Beers and.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Here's one for Brady according to Tick Tock. The new favorite food is pie from Ace Hardware.

[Kyle]

What?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Apparently some Ace Hardware locations out west are selling frozen pies, and they're going viral on Tick Tock. The pies cost 19, like it says, and come in many different flavors.

[Kyle]

It says Ace Hardware.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, Yeah. I don't know.

[Brett]

Hardware five.

[Dale Hellestray]

Wow.

[Brett]

So Brady would eat that.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, and 100% they're good. They come in 20 different flavors, including apricot, boysenberry, rhubarb, peach, blueberry, and man, somebody put it on Tick Tock and they got 3 million views of hardware watching people eat. Hardware store pie.

[Audrey]

Huh?

[John Holmberg]

Sounds like pretty good band name. Too hard. I think we've talked about something similar to this before. One in five Americans would like to live on the moon.

[Brett]

And I want to live.

[John Holmberg]

You in or out?

[Brett]

I would visit the moon. I don't want to live there.

[Kyle]

Yeah. I don't want to.

[John Holmberg]

Just like a weekend's like going to the Aria or something like that. Just spend.

[Brett]

Yeah. If you put a nice resort up there, I just don't. You know, they got to get to work on that. I don't have a whole lot of time left. And we're still not even. We're still even. The planning phase. We're just now pretending we've been there before and we're going to try again next year. Is the first time we're going back, evidently. And I don't think they're building like a pool or anything.

[John Holmberg]

Is that the Ace pies?

[Brett]

Ace Hardware pies.

[Dale Hellestray]

They're just.

[Brett]

Just a sticker. Right. Interesting.

[John Holmberg]

I thought it was gonna be like a Dolly Madison pie or something like.

[Kyle]

You know, mixed berries, strawberries, rhubarb, apple, peach.

[Brett]

Yeah. At all of the Ace Hardwares just.

[John Holmberg]

Out west, it says.

[Brett]

So Apricot.

[John Holmberg]

Never had apricot pie neither.

[Brett]

That's gross.

[Kyle]

Doesn't sound good.

[John Holmberg]

But apparently the Moon is getting a little. A little played out. Freeman Musk, because he's shifting his focus from base on the moon to Mars. He still wants a. Still wants to go to Mars and build a city up there. He says the moon's. You know, it's a lot easier right now. So we'll head over there for now. But the long. The long game is going to be Mars.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Dale Hellestray]

I don't know.

[Brett]

It just. I don't like driving to Gilbert. I'm not going to go in a.

[John Holmberg]

That's like Mars.

[Brett]

Well, yeah, that's. I'd rather. I'd actually rather go to Mars than drive to Chandler or Gilbert. For just like a meal or a sit down. I better have some serious money at the end of that. Like, there better be a treasure.

[John Holmberg]

Well, it's like you always say. There's. There's 37 restaurants from my house, from.

[Brett]

My house to Gilbert and Chandler. If you're like, hey, we'll have dinner by my place and it's Chandler, I'm like, well, I gotta pass 80,000 great restaurants to go to the one you want to go. Let's just meet in the middle. I don't want to drive all the way out there. It's too far. But I would go to Mars before that.

[John Holmberg]

But I don't want to sit on a Gilbert.

[Brett]

Well, I want to sit in a pod for eight months or however long it takes to get there. Yeah, then I'd rather do that than go to Gilbert. At least there's a payoff at Mars. Otherwise, I'm at Gilbert.

[John Holmberg]

And you know, the Winter Olympics are around. And you know, there's, there's five questions that people are googling like crazy about the Winter Olympics.

[Brett]

Eileen Goo.

[John Holmberg]

That's a good question.

[Brett]

Is she on there?

[John Holmberg]

No, she's not. Google search. Why do ice skaters wear gloves? Is one of the questions.

[Brett]

Why do they? Yeah, I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

It's obviously the, the one answer is to keep their hands warm, but it's also to protect their hands from falls or sometimes they're just part of the costume.

[Brett]

Oh, so.

[John Holmberg]

And you got the, you got the Twinkie skaters out there. It's got to go with the outfit.

[Brett]

Well, sure, yeah. But also if they fall, it keeps them from. I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

These are dumb questions too.

[Brett]

It's like this is what people Google.

[John Holmberg]

About the Winter Olympics. Yeah. And then why do speed skaters wear glasses? Mainly to protect their eyes from the wind or ice chips flying up the skater in front of them. Which means you're not trying hard enough. You gotta get in front.

[Brett]

That's right. You're in second. Exactly. Oh, did you see all those Chinese guys yesterday in the speed skating? They kept clipping the dudes in front of them.

[Dale Hellestray]

Oh, really?

[Brett]

Oh, yeah. They were checking them.

[Kyle]

Well, no, it was only the Chinese.

[Brett]

Just tipping their, tipping their skates on the. Because they have to do a thing where they switch lanes and cross each.

[Kyle]

Other and they would drag a little bit on the cross.

[Brett]

Chinese people were like clipping, like, you.

[Kyle]

Know, doing little trips because apparently there's a right of way, like between the skaters when you switch.

[Brett]

Yeah, it was kind of neat.

[John Holmberg]

Like the roads around here yeah. They can't drive behind the wheel. Yeah. How do you steer the luge?

[Brett]

With your toes?

[John Holmberg]

Mostly with your calves, shoulders. And it's basically just shifting your weight around. How fast do snowboarders go in? Big air.

[Kyle]

Is that the competition?

[Brett]

No, Big air is the one where they do the pipe. They. I don't know. They have to be going, like 30 or 40 miles an hour.

[John Holmberg]

Close 50.

[Brett]

Yeah. They're. That's cooking amazing. If you'd go on a snowboard 40 or think about that on a bicycle at 40 miles an hour. Your car at 40 miles an hour is fast.

[John Holmberg]

And this is one I didn't know. The big. The big thing now is everybody's into curling.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And people are just wanting to know how it's scored. It's basically bocce on ice.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Bocce ball.

[Brett]

Oh, it's an Italian thing.

[John Holmberg]

Exactly.

[Kyle]

Similar shuffleboard, too.

[Brett]

Right.

[Kyle]

You gotta get in the center and.

[Brett]

Knock the other guys out.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Only one team scores each round. The closest stone to the center gets the point. Yeah. If you have the two closest stones, it's two points.

[Brett]

Yeah. It's. Curling is the only time we're ever interested as the Olympics. And I am.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know. That. That skeleton thing we were watching the.

[Kyle]

Other day, that's pretty fun about the double skeleton.

[Brett]

Oh, that's the double. Yeah. When they lay people head first.

[Kyle]

That's right. I forgot about that one.

[John Holmberg]

The asses, the women's and the women's skeletons. Oh, my God.

[Brett]

Yeah. They're in that prone position, laying on their tummies, and their butts are jiggling around because they're going 300 miles an hour.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And somebody sent me. Somebody sent videos of it in slow motion, too.

[Brett]

I never knew that until Brett started to show that video. And I'm like, well, that is kind of hot for some reason.

[John Holmberg]

It is.

[Brett]

Yeah. It kind of. It's got that. It's got that bounce, too. Yeah. Like a nice. Like you bounce a quarter off of it. Oh.

[John Holmberg]

And I don't know how some of them. Yeah.

[Brett]

I didn't see any bad ones.

[John Holmberg]

No, no. Absolutely not.

[Brett]

The suit does a lot of work. The loose suit, the skeleton suit.

[Kyle]

And I'll look at.

[Brett]

But you can't help it. Once you. And then. This is the thing, guys, by the way, if you're gonna go Google this, you're gonna be like, oh, no. And then you're gonna notice that Brett wasn't wrong.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. But it's not like seeing some fatty and their lululemons where the threads are screaming. These things are pretty well put together.

[Brett]

Because they're do a lot of running.

[John Holmberg]

So. All right, let's get into the videos here. I haven't even. We're gonna. We're flying blind on these because I didn't have time to go up yet. No. So this will.

[Dale Hellestray]

All right.

[Brett]

Birch videos. I don't have any. Brady. People ask, where's Brady? Brady's not. Brady is sick. Very sick. Today.

[John Holmberg]

He's a confession.

[Brett]

And, yeah, he's sick because Sarah. He caught a lot of Sarah's morals yesterday.

[Dale Hellestray]

Made him.

[John Holmberg]

And this one, I guess, is some broad getting stuck in a porta potty.

[Brett]

Okay, let me get the broad. I like the wop news. Calls people names. He said twink and broad and Chinese people can't drive. It's a different. Different approach.

[John Holmberg]

Nobody argued with me about it.

[Brett]

All right. All right. There's a porta potty. Somebody's in that porta John.

[John Holmberg]

Yes.

[Brett]

And they're lifting it up with the. The forklift to get it off the back of the truck. But somebody's in it, and they didn't know that.

[Kyle]

She been in there.

[Brett]

It was a woman.

[Dale Hellestray]

They were.

[Brett]

They were.

[John Holmberg]

It's like a homeless or something.

[Brett]

They had already packed it up on the back of the truck by the time she came out.

[John Holmberg]

She didn't realize the forklift lifting it onto the trailer.

[Kyle]

Wow.

[Brett]

Wow, man.

[John Holmberg]

I just love the music, too.

[Brett]

Yeah, because you're the dumbest woman in the world. That's crazy.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah.

[Brett]

They had it all loaded up, and they had to. She must have been knocked.

[John Holmberg]

I just told her to jump. We're not lifting that thing down again. We already put it up there.

[Brett]

Where's the stuff? Like, I didn't realize that. They just. I thought they drained them before they put them up on the thing.

[Kyle]

They probably did. It's. That one's probably.

[Brett]

Well, she was in.

[Kyle]

It got to be re cleaned now.

[Brett]

Now.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, drop the deuce after the.

[Brett]

Okay.

[Kyle]

She went in there because it was clean. It's pristine.

[John Holmberg]

And this one's titled. She should have been a mascot for Porkopolis. Again, I'm flying blind. So we'll look at it together.

[Brett]

Oh, this is not gonna go well.

[Kyle]

This is a Brady joke.

[Brett]

All right, here we go. Very fat woman in a thong. And she just sat down on. What was that?

[Dale Hellestray]

An apple?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. That's the first time she's ever seen.

[Brett]

An apple that wasn't in a pot. Look at this. I mean, she is ralph.

[Kyle]

That's tomato.

[Brett]

That's a tomato.

[John Holmberg]

Tomato, yeah.

[Brett]

Oh, she sits on food. This is a fetish.

[John Holmberg]

That's a panini.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Look at that. She's gonna make.

[Kyle]

This is a fetish.

[Brett]

It's a fetish. Some dudes, everything's somebody. Some guys like women sitting on food. Big fat women. So this was on Mori. A long time ago, your kid. Yeah, we had a big fat lady, and she'd come by and sit down on. On food. Food and smash it with. I mean, this is a big woman, though. This was much bigger than the one on Maury. She's humongous. Wow. What is she, 500?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, at least.

[Brett]

And she's plopping down on a tomato to start. Like, this is the thing that guys would say, I want you to sit on lasagna. And then she would sit on a. Like a Stouffer's. Like one of those lasagnas.

[John Holmberg]

She's had a few Stouffers in her life. Look at that thing. Oh, what a beast.

[Kyle]

There's a normal human skeleton in there somewhere.

[Brett]

It's way in there.

[Kyle]

Way deep in there.

[Dale Hellestray]

Bert.

[Kyle]

Is this I.

[Brett]

All right. This is a female bodybuilder, and she is. Oh, ripped. But she's got her top off. Her arms are huge. I am jealous of her arms. And her. Whoa. Stomach muscles are ridiculous. I'm jealous of that. Her vagina is surprised. Surprisingly proportionate and unused. I'm not a big button, but the.

[John Holmberg]

Of course it's unused.

[Brett]

I. Oh, no. Nobody's gonna get it. That is Hulk Ho. Hogan with breast implants.

[Kyle]

She's gotta be.

[John Holmberg]

Look at the hair.

[Brett]

Yeah, it's got Hulk Hogan's hair, too.

[Kyle]

She gotta be with somebody at least her size.

[Brett]

Okay. Some dude who's into himself. Yeah, she's overdone it. There's no turning back.

[Kyle]

Nobody in this room can be with that. Break you off.

[John Holmberg]

No, no.

[Brett]

Would want to.

[John Holmberg]

All right, and we'll end with this one. Apparently, this is becoming a new trend.

[Brett]

Okay. No, no, no. That's a girl with her. She. Clockwork orange clamp on her eyes, and there's a guy about the one drop. There's a guy finishing in her eye. Wow.

[Kyle]

Ball with her.

[Brett]

Come on.

[Kyle]

She's trying to close her eyes.

[Brett]

Thank you very much, Brett. That's right. There you go. All right, Then he just. It's like pouring. It's like pouring a glass of milk in someone's eyeball. Still rather do that than eat coconut. I would. I would, actually. That's true. True. You give me a say. You have to finish this whole coconut pie or this guy gets the gunk in your eye. I'd be like, all right, go get the clamps. I'm not eating coconut. Yeah, Not Toledo's. On the skeleton. Yeah. Do yourself a favor and Google search those skeleton things, because those girls laying down, shaking all the way down. There is something erotic about that. I think it's because they're in such a vulnerable position and their asses are up. And I think, as a man, you can't help.

[John Holmberg]

Well, you know, face down, ass up.

[Brett]

Face down, ass up. And you're going 80 miles an hour. Yeah. It's a challenge to catch her. I mean, look at that. They've all got some back. You don't see. You don't see a lot of.

[John Holmberg]

And even the uggos because they're wearing helmets. So it's like, all right, good. I don't have to waste my time. See that ass?

[Brett]

All right. Thank you, Brett.

[John Holmberg]

Sure.

[Brett]

Well done, Brett. Taking over for the Brady Report today with the very aggressive WAP news. The word for 8 o' clock is orchestral. Orchestral for the Nine Inch Nail suite that feeds. That's coming up in March. We'll get you in the suite. The KUPD party suite's gonna be unbelievable. We're gonna look at skeleton racing for a minute. There goes your WAP News Brady report. It's 98. Hey, it's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee. I have heard enough of this.

[Dale Hellestray]

Killberg's morning sickness.

[Brett]

You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. 98. Kill ye. Before then, I got an email from a guy that says, guys that pee sitting down don't like coconut. You're a twink, Holmberg. I don't know what kind of circular, strange coconut sitting to pee that bugs people. My sitting to pee thing, and all it is, is cleanliness.

[John Holmberg]

No splashing.

[Brett]

There's no splashing. There's no. The. The bowl at my of my toilet is never no dots, no drips, no runs, no drips or errors, as they used to say about rust oleum. And that's the same as my wang.

[John Holmberg]

Well, it's. You know, you don't use the restroom here, but the urinal in there, it looks like a pair of Spicoli vans. It's just checkerboard, like, which just drips all around it.

[Brett]

Brad, enough.

[John Holmberg]

It's like, Jesus Christ. Tap. Well done, floor. Tap your crank instead of tapping that app.

[Brett]

I don't know why people think sitting to pee is gay. I don't get it. Try it at home. The cleanup is. There's none. Your bathroom stays spotless forever and ever. So smart.

[John Holmberg]

Your wife will thank you for it.

[Brett]

Everyone will thank you for it especially. But, you know. And then you'll know that if they're on there, it's because she's doing something horrible. If she's standing to pee, there's a. It's a new world, Brad. Some of these ladies have penises. Now.

[John Holmberg]

I also work on BMWs.

[Brett]

It's. It's 8:37. It's Michael McDonald's birthday, and we are fans of Michael McDonald. I. I firmly believe without Michael McDonald, their. Their music would have stopped happening. Like, in 1980, it was like, what's the point? There's. But then you get songs like this. I mean, come on. This. The dude's voice is legendary. Everything he's ever done, everything from somewhere back in a long ago. And you can't help. You don't sing normal.

[John Holmberg]

Everybody changes their voices.

[Brett]

And the cool thing about it is you can sound just like him. And it's still not the same. No, I. I had this song on in my car and on Apple Play, you can turn off the lyrics. Oh, nice. So, yeah, so I'm in the car. Car, you know, the Bronco. Not that I. You know, it's a good thing Stemmings wasn't with me because it would have been the gayest moment of my life.

[Dale Hellestray]

But I.

[Brett]

This very song, I turned on and I clicked off the lyrics, and I'm, you know, Three.

[John Holmberg]

Staring with your knees and pulling the cheeks and everything. Were you doing that full monkey or what?

[Brett]

I'm going to teach people that in a second. Once again, we have to remind them how it gets done. But if you can do a Michael McDonald's freshen and you're driving around and it's just you singing, I realized it's a good impression, but it doesn't matter. You look like a lunatic. He's the only one that can do it. Oh, it's still good. What we want to do here. I gotta listen to this for hours. Now that you've got the Michael McDonald, I'm going to teach you how to do a Michael McDonald. Everyone can do it. Everyone can do it. I've taught Brett.

[John Holmberg]

Yep.

[Brett]

And you realized at that point, I don't know if you were doing Michael McDonald before that it wasn't as good. That's exactly. I mean, it was.

[John Holmberg]

It was an attempt. I'll just say that.

[Brett]

Take your fingers, index finger, and thumb each Hand up to each cheek of your face. Pull your cheeks apart in a very strange fashion, and then just start singing because you will become Michael McDonald. Brett, go ahead. You can't help it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

I mean, it's. Pull your cheeks apart. It doesn't have to. Okay, so now that we've taught you this, what we want is to give you Nine Inch Nails tickets while you're all, you know, scrambling around our app and our website, putting in code words at 8 o', clock, which is orchestral until 9. And it's something else. We want you to sing us a Nine Inch Nails song on Michael McDonald's birthday as Michael McDonald.

[John Holmberg]

Do we want to give them the song so they can look up the lyrics to it? How do you want to do.

[Brett]

We can do closer. We can do Head like a hole.

[John Holmberg]

Maybe.

[Brett]

Head like a hole like the big hits.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Brett]

So, yeah, load it up on your phone if you can. The lyrics and anything else. Sing a Michael McDonald version of a Nine Inch Nails song. We will judge this and give. Yeah, It's Yacht Rock Nails.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. Yeah, Yeah, I like it.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And no deep album tracks. Make it something that people know.

[Brett]

Well, if you do that, you run the risk of the judges going, I don't know what you're doing.

[John Holmberg]

Right. Exactly.

[Brett]

So give it. Familiarity is a key. You can choose. I'll let them choose. Yeah, Go on your phone. The lyrics come up, and you can have that. And sing a Michael McDonald version of a Nine Inch Nail song. The best one. Going to Nine Inch Nails on the tickets we got sitting in our hands. You don't get in the party suite, but these are good seats to the show that's coming up March 6th. And it's a great way to pay tribute to the great Michael McDonald's birthday.

[John Holmberg]

74.

[Brett]

Let's. He's all. That was 1974.

[John Holmberg]

That's. Well, he's 74 years old.

[Brett]

Oh.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, Yeah. I don't know.

[Brett]

This has to be right around there. What a song. Yacht Rock Nails is coming your way. And I want this to be. I want you guys to nail it. 585-9-800 is the phone number. Oh, man.

[John Holmberg]

79.

[Brett]

I'm gonna this all day long. I'm gonna listen to m. This is 78. Okay. God. So good. All right, get ready for it. We're gonna play that next. And also, I know everybody always says, pull your cheeks open. Calm down, calm down. Wrong station. Yeah, Gaty KB is doing a different version of Michael McDonald contest. Open your cheeks and sing. What a blessing. Kitty, kitty. All right, it's 8:42. We'll get you guys next with our yacht rock nails Michael McDonald tribute right after this.

[Dale Hellestray]

Visit Homeburg's Morning Sickness online at 98kupd.com Holmberg's Morning Sickness. All right.

[Brett]

Brett is feverishly working our telephones to get you guys to play this glorious game. Give me a little taste of that again, Brett. Hit that button. Button. And Michael McDonald, 74 years old today. Emails like crazy. Everything about it. Thank you for. For getting Michael McDonald stuck in my head for the rest of the day, first and foremost. Secondly, I followed your directions exactly as you said to a T. But I don't know how spreading my butt is going to make me sound more like Michael McDonald. I've tried it for science, but I sound like somebody doing a bad impression of Michael McDonald. But I do feel a little breezier. And I think I have a boyfriend friend. Let me know what I'm doing wrong. Nothing.

[John Holmberg]

Is that Troy or Michael?

[Brett]

His name is Mike. It's Michael. You can try spreading your butt cheeks, but I think it works. It's such a great. All right, so we want you guys to sing the songs of Nine Inch Nails. Your choice. I want to hear this acapella.

[Dale Hellestray]

At home.

[Brett]

Acapella. Nine Inch Nails as Michael McDonald. This could be weird. This could be fantastic. We don't know. It's up to you guys. And we're going to go to the phones right now. Nine Inch Nails tickets on the line. Who's first there, Bert?

[John Holmberg]

We'll start with a woman. Audrey.

[Brett]

Audrey, are you there?

[Audrey]

I'm here.

[Brett]

Hi, Audrey. How are you? I'm great.

[John Holmberg]

How are you?

[Brett]

I'm doing great, thank you. All right, Audrey.

[Dale Hellestray]

I'm.

[Brett]

I have Twix in my mouth. Hold on. I got to wash that down. I got a twitch right for. Hold on.

[John Holmberg]

Audrey.

[Dale Hellestray]

What?

[John Holmberg]

What song you got?

[Brett]

Thank you.

[John Holmberg]

There you go. Trying to stretch.

[Audrey]

All right.

[Brett]

March of the pigs. March of the pigs as Michael McDonald. Are you going to spread your cheeks apart?

[John Holmberg]

I'm prepped.

[Brett]

All right, she's ready to go. Audrey. March of the pigs as Michael McDonald. Please go.

[Dale Hellestray]

All right.

[Audrey]

Step right up. Must push. Grow right up on your knees. Please, Grace, please. No time to hesitate. I want a little bit. I want a piece of it. I think it's losing it. I wanna watch it. Calm down. Don't like the look of it.

[Brett]

It's working.

[Audrey]

Don't like the taste of it. Don't like the smell of it.

[Brett]

All right, all right.

[Dale Hellestray]

Audrey. Audrey, you have an adventure.

[Brett]

She ain't stopping. And I don't play, but that's pretty good. That wasn't bad. It was weird. It was really weird. It was more strange than I thought it was going to be. All right, nice job, Audrey. Hold on. We'll go to the judges at the end. Please wait and see if anybody defeats you. That's pretty solid right there.

[John Holmberg]

We got a couple people wanting to do closer. You got to do the radio version.

[Brett]

Yeah, don't do the cursy part. Yeah, yeah. You get what we're saying? But just skip over the F bomb. Yeah, I'd like to.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Bleep you like an animal. As my Michael McDonald would never say such filth in a song. Exactly. Yeah. Well, you're doing it to the other song. All right, who's second?

[John Holmberg]

This is Oliver.

[Brett]

Oliver, are you there? I'm here. Jew and the Wop show.

[Dale Hellestray]

What's going on?

[Brett]

It's the Jew in the wop this morning. No, Brady. So we're doing and whopping our way through. Through. All right, here we go. The Jew and the Wop would like to hear you. What song are you gonna. Are you gonna do. We're gonna do a closer. All right. Closer by Nine Inch Nails as sung by Michael McDonald. Oliver. Go.

[Audrey]

Michael McDonald for his birthday.

[Brett]

That's right. Oh, good intro. I like that. Okay, go ahead.

[Audrey]

You let me violate you.

[Brett]

Oh, yeah.

[Audrey]

You let me desecrate you. Oh, yeah. You let me penetrate you. Oh, you let me complicate you. Oh, help me. Broke upon my insides. Oh, help me. I've got no soul to tell. Help me. Only thing that works for me.

[Brett]

Here we go.

[Audrey]

Help me get away from myself. I wanna do you like an animal.

[Brett]

Keep going, Keep going. All right, I like this.

[Dale Hellestray]

All right.

[Brett]

Oliver. Oliver. Oliver. You just bumped Audriana out of the gates. Audrey's out. Oliver's. That's solid. He made that song. Michael McDonald's.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah.

[Brett]

This is weirder than I thought it was going to be.

[Dale Hellestray]

Brett.

[Brett]

I feel like I might be in some sort of strange dream.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know.

[Kyle]

It's.

[John Holmberg]

But it's working. That Michael McDonald doing closer worked.

[Brett]

I want to hear that.

[John Holmberg]

All right, we dropped three, so we can go blind on that.

[Brett]

Go blind on that one. Are you. It says. J.D. are you there? Yes. All right. Turn your radio down the background there. JD who are you going to. What song are you going to be singing as Michael McDonald for his birthday?

[Dale Hellestray]

J.D.

[Brett]

Oh, dumped him. Got ready. The phones are breaking.

[John Holmberg]

Everything we got. Eric?

[Brett]

Eric, are you there? Yeah, I'm here.

[Dale Hellestray]

All right.

[Brett]

Oh, geez. Eric's calling from the moon. All right, Eric, what song are you.

[John Holmberg]

Going to be doing?

[Brett]

Terrible eye, terrible eye. Oh. As Michael McDonald. Terrible lies. Gonna be a tough one. All right, start with the chorus. Oh, God. Oh, no. All right, well, you do whatever you do. Do whatever you do. I just wanted to get to that. I'm curious how it's gonna end up. All right, good luck to you and go get him. Thank you.

[Audrey]

Why are you doing this to me? Am I not living up to what I'm supposed to be?

[Brett]

Pull your cheeks apart.

[Audrey]

Why am I what?

[Brett]

Pull your cheeks apart.

[Audrey]

I'm trying. I'm fat.

[Brett]

You're fat? Then you've got more cheek to pull. All right, go ahead, Chunky Mike McDonald gone.

[Audrey]

Why am I sealing with this animosity? I think you owe me a great big apology to my life.

[Brett]

Bill Walton, when you do this. All right. Well, all right.

[John Holmberg]

I still say Oliver's Oliver.

[Brett]

Oliver beat you. I. I'm sorry. It's your fat cheeks got in the way, and I'm not sure what just happened.

[John Holmberg]

I do anymore.

[Brett]

Heck, yeah.

[Dale Hellestray]

One more.

[Brett]

We've got blind. All right, we gotta go again. Oh, did it hang up on the. Oh, that's right. Michael, are you there? Yeah, I'm here. All right, Michael, go ahead and give us some. Michael McDonald Nine Inch Nails yacht Rock Nails. All right, I'm gonna do Every Day Is exactly the Same. Okay, let's hear it. All right. So stupid.

[John Holmberg]

Keep going.

[Brett]

You're not done yet.

[Audrey]

Now, I never make a sound. I just do what I'm. I really don't want them to come around.

[Brett]

All right, this one may be a bad song choice, but it was all right. All right, Michael. Nice drop. Yeah, we got to go with Oliver right off the bat. Oliver. There's one more. Let's try another one.

[John Holmberg]

All right.

[Brett]

Damn it, it's John. What's up, man? How are you, John? Is this President John? This is Frenchie. Oh, Frenchie. Oh, okay, Frenchie's on there. All right, Frenchie, ready to go? What's happening? Yeah, let's do a Head like a hole. Head like a hole. I'd like to hear that Michael McDonald singing head like a Hole for Nine Inch Nails tickets. Go get him. All right, here we go.

[Audrey]

Above all before the one you serve. You're gonna get what you deserve. Bow down before the one you serve. Your goals are just what you deserve.

[Brett]

Oh, he's got the drums in there beatboxing.

[Audrey]

God, money, I'll do anything for you.

[Dale Hellestray]

All Right.

[Brett]

It's starting to turn into.

[Dale Hellestray]

This is almost.

[Brett]

This is like serial killer sound. John. That's Creep. That left Michael McDonald a long time ago and became like a Monty Python woman. All right, Oliver. Oliver's the champion. Sorry, Frenchie. Oliver. Without question, Oliver is our winner today. Let's get Oliver back on real quick. Oliver, we'd like an encore, if you don't mind. Could you sing us one more thing? Are you there? Hey, sorry about that. Yeah, My surface is kind of cutting out. Oh, that's all right. Don't worry about our phone. Suck. All right, give us one other thing. Give us a little whatever else you want to do as Michael McDonald. First person birthday.

[Dale Hellestray]

Michael McDonald.

[Brett]

Damn good, oliver.

[John Holmberg]

Wow.

[Brett]

Really good. Nice job, Oliver. I'm proud of you. You're going to Nine Inch Nails. That's a good job. We'll give you tickets. Hang on a second. Nicely done.

[John Holmberg]

We got a substitute for the Michael McDonald Quartet right there.

[Brett]

Yeah, no, Oliver Brady's not here today, so the quartet is in.

[Dale Hellestray]

Man.

[Brett]

Michael McDonald singing Closer is awesome. It's spectacular. I didn't realize how good that was going to be as far as that particular song. And he made it. Michael McDon. I'm proud of Oliver. Oliver is a champion today. Nicely done. Yeah, that was really. I having fever dreams. And I have a feeling, you know, everybody, even if you're in the car going, well, that's dumb. You're doing it.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, 100% that. I want to go do karaoke this weekend to do this all Michael McDonald.

[Brett]

Let's do it today. Everything. Today. We just go over to the grapevine and just go. I'm singing everything as Michael McDonald. Slower in the fire. Do it. All Renegades are full. Oh, my God. The Renegades have fun as my.

[John Holmberg]

And you gotta rap.

[Brett]

It's impossible. I love it. Master of puppets. All beautiful. Excellent job, everyone. We're proud of you. And if you didn't get in on the Michael McDonald tribute today for 74th birthday, we're sorry. But you can still win tickets to the Suite that Feeds if you put in the word frail. The nine o' clock word is frail. F R A I L. Frail. And we'll get you up in that thing. That was ridiculously dumb and I enjoyed every second of it. I got no problems with that. Oh, the Offspring. Do it in your car, on your way, even in your office. Just creep your co workers out. Little Michael McDonald offspring, Lincoln Park. Coming up after that Michael McDonald. He's earned this. Without him, music would have stopped somewhere around 1987 would have been like, we're done. It's the Offspring, everybody. It's got to get away. It's 98. KPD. Happy birthday, Mike. Hey, it's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No memory. I have heard enough of this.

[Dale Hellestray]

Morning sickness.

[Brett]

Have you been deceived by an agent of Satan himself? 98. There you go. Getting a lot of emails from people saying that they're watching other people know that they listen to KUPD because he says. Kevin says, I was just looking around the gym and I saw a dude spreading his cheeks. He's singing along. It's easy, Dale. We're going to get you to do do little Michael McDonald impression for us before it's all over. Today you're taking Brady's chair today. You think this is a promotion? Dale thinks that he's. There's been an opening look at you in the news.

[Dale Hellestray]

That's ten minutes. My life. I'll never get back.

[Brett]

None of us will. That was absolutely ridiculous. Awesome.

[Dale Hellestray]

This show goes to hell in a hand basket. Without Brady, it's only getting worse. Now Brady's a straw. That's right.

[Brett]

He's the straw that stirs the drink. That's right. And luckily today he's not stern it because he'd get us all a disease. Should have seen him yesterday.

[Dale Hellestray]

He was really.

[Brett]

Oh, he looked horrible. And I don't know how.

[John Holmberg]

Worse than normal.

[Dale Hellestray]

What is it with you guys? Bert's the only healthy one in this.

[Brett]

Look, when I. When my throat shuts down, I'm not coming in here and talking. I'm not gonna do it.

[Dale Hellestray]

You had a little scratch.

[Brett]

No, I had a shit. Yeah. And that's enough. That's enough for me to say I can't entertain America today. When you have to. When you're. We have the risk. When you are charged with the responsibility of entertaining an entire nation, your app doesn't work. Well, that's true.

[Dale Hellestray]

Today you're entertaining Guadalupe.

[Brett]

You make a strong point today. But again, that's not my fault. I still have the ambition and desire to entertain the entire.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yes.

[Brett]

Whether or not anybody here pays for stuff to make it work, I don't know. Wow.

[Dale Hellestray]

Good morning, John.

[Brett]

Good morning, Dale. Dale House Traceback. You took last week off because it was super bowl week. And why do a sports segment on that? But he's here to recap it. We're going to get to that in a second. We'll get to Dale in just moments because we're going to do commercials first. That way you'll have more time.

[Dale Hellestray]

Hurry up and get in here.

[Brett]

I know. And you didn't. And now you're late. So now we have to get to work on this. Dale Hallistrae, three time world champion, joins us next. It's 98.

[Dale Hellestray]

Visit Holmberg's Morning Sickness online at 98kupd.com Holmberg's Morning Sickness.

[Brett]

All right, it's Thursday. Brady's sick and dying. But that doesn't mean we can't replace him with somebody who's even less healthy. It's Dale Hell astray, everybody. Three time world championship and co host of the main event with Steve McCollum who I'm having lunch with later today.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah, Steve's a little nervous about that.

[Brett]

Is he?

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Why?

[Dale Hellestray]

Well, because he, he said John has a habit of talking about personal things on his radio.

[Brett]

What's he planning on doing?

[Dale Hellestray]

Well, he said I just can't do anything stupid. So now he's talking himself.

[Brett]

That's. That's good. And that'll be exactly what happens then he'll do something stupid trying not to do. It's when you play to lose. You lose.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yes. And.

[Brett]

Or play not to lose, you lose. So. Well, we'll talk about it then. Maybe next time. We got sports super bowl happened, Dale. And now we have no. For what, five more months Be July.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah. Except for that. The NFL does a nice job of, you know, because I know you and you'll be watching the underwear.

[Brett]

The underwear Olympics are coming up in a week and I'm gonna be going.

[Dale Hellestray]

To the mock drafts.

[Brett]

Oh, I'm already on them. Already on them.

[Dale Hellestray]

Who the Steelers getting?

[Brett]

Well, there's. Well see this is where the confusion is is that the Steelers have a new coach and a new system.

[Dale Hellestray]

Right.

[Brett]

And so normally what we would do in this particular case would be a draft defense, but I don't think we're going to do that. And they're looking at the receiver from Arizona State mentioned a couple of times.

[Dale Hellestray]

What when do they pick?

[Brett]

20Th as usual.

[Dale Hellestray]

He's not gonna be around.

[Brett]

You don't think so? Well, we've got 13 picks so there could be a trade involved.

[Dale Hellestray]

Getting 13 picks in a seven round draft.

[Brett]

That's exactly right, Dale.

[Dale Hellestray]

Wow.

[Brett]

A well run operation.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah, it is.

[Brett]

So yeah. So Ty Simpson's on there. The guy from. There's a ton of things with that. So.

[Dale Hellestray]

So. So you got, you got here soon. Free agency opens.

[Brett]

Football's never. It's 12 months a year. Yes, it's awesome. But we have other thing. You watch the Super Bowl. We talked about it on our podcast called that sports thing.

[Dale Hellestray]

Oh, it's your podcast.

[Brett]

It's that sports thing. A John Hornberg podcast. Finally, he acquiesces John Holberg joint to the John Holmberg Podcast.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yes.

[Brett]

Sports is the topic from John being a guest. You know, we should do.

[Dale Hellestray]

They're going, hey, this thing's kind of good. Yeah. Now that not only is he the host, it's a John. John Holmberg podcast.

[Brett]

I think about this now almost in a digital newspaper type of way. I may change the name of that.

[Dale Hellestray]

Oh.

[Brett]

To John Holmberg Podcast. And then underneath would just be a click.

[John Holmberg]

Sports.

[Brett]

Like. Like you're going through the newspaper and.

[Dale Hellestray]

So I don't even get any.

[Brett]

It's almost like your op ed authors. So it's like the John Holmer podcast is almost like the Arizona Republic. And then sport. You click on the sports section and I give you Donnie.

[Dale Hellestray]

You go that route and you'll become the Washington Times.

[Brett]

And then I'll have you understand me. I'm not going lefty.

[Dale Hellestray]

No, no. The sports department got shuttled. You'll be gone, you'll be out the air.

[Brett]

No, no.

[Dale Hellestray]

Nobody cares what you think about sports.

[Brett]

Well, that's not true because the podcast does pretty well. What they don't care about is what. You got to listen to the podcast this week, Brett, because Dave Nash made a 40 minute plea that Tommy DeVito might be the next great thing.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah.

[Brett]

And Italians will like hearing that, but.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, but we know reality too.

[Brett]

I don't remember if this was the quote exactly. Dale, you correct me, but I believe Dave on the podcast said that if he were to start a team today, his first pick would be Tom. I'm pretty sure that's.

[Dale Hellestray]

Well, I think he also said you could just interchange DeVito for Sam Darnold.

[Brett]

Yes.

[Dale Hellestray]

And Seattle would be the same.

[Brett]

He said they'd win the super bowl with Tommy DeVito. And he wasn't being facetious, really. He was just saying that so it's.

[Dale Hellestray]

Worth talking Super Bowl.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Dale Hellestray]

Talking Super Bowl.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Dale Hellestray]

And literally.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Dale Hellestray]

Two minutes into the conversation, he brings up Tommy DeVito.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Dale Hellestray]

It's like, what does Tommy DeVito had to do with the Super Bowl?

[Brett]

Never sniffed it. And so I googled Tommy DeVito after. I wanted to tell Pax Nash on this. I googled him right after. And the first thing that came up on my Google search was a Reddit article that someone wrote said Tommy DeVito is the most overrated and worst Giants quarterback we have ever had.

[Dale Hellestray]

Really?

[Brett]

And Then it said the height train made this guy something. And I swear to God, watching the games is like he's never seen football in his life. But Dave Nash would put him in Sam Darnold's shoes and hope for the. But he thinks he could win a Super bowl either way. Super bowl is mildly entertaining.

[Dale Hellestray]

Me.

[Brett]

Exactly.

[John Holmberg]

That's. That's. It's.

[Brett]

Awful is actually the word I should.

[Dale Hellestray]

And then first half was. If you. If you like.

[Brett]

Here comes Toledo. He's going to argue.

[Dale Hellestray]

Oh, yeah. Oh, I thought it was commercial time already. No, he only comes in when I'm. Oh, good.

[Brett]

Continue.

[Dale Hellestray]

He's leaving.

[Brett]

You just want to come in, make his presence felt that his Seahawks are champs.

[Dale Hellestray]

Okay.

[Brett]

Does a bad super bowl wreck a whole season?

[Dale Hellestray]

No.

[Brett]

No, because this was one unbelievable season for games.

[Dale Hellestray]

And then, I mean, even the playoffs, you go through the playoffs and the super bowl was kind of a. Done. Especially if you don't appreciate.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Dale Hellestray]

Dominant defense. And, you know, even there it was. It was a. It was a game. Until it wasn't a game in the second half.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Dale Hellestray]

And Seattle just got out of. Got. Got out of hand. Things frustrate me, John. The fact that I look at it from an offensive lineman standpoint. Will Campbell, left tackle for New England. They're left guard. They're overmatched. Yeah, I understand. You going with a game plan. Hey, I think we might be able to block Lawrence. I think we might be able to block this guy. But you found out really quickly early that you can't.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Dale Hellestray]

What's your plan B?

[Brett]

They didn't have.

[Dale Hellestray]

And they didn't have a plan because of.

[Brett]

Who's the coach.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yes. McCann, I think, is a really good offensive coordinator and Fable's a good coach. I'm surprised. Very well didn't go, hey, hey, if Cavill's getting his ass whooped.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Dale Hellestray]

Well, what are we doing with that? Let's move somebody. Nothing.

[Brett]

Put another body in there. Do something.

[Dale Hellestray]

You can motion a tie and a craze. Something. Try something.

[Brett]

Yeah. And. Yeah. And so with football being over and kind of sitting there with the Seahawks on top, and the Seahawks are one of those things that you just look at and you're like, all right, they're not going to be in trouble for a while. And then you go down the street here to the Cardinals and you realize, like you've always said, they came in last place and third place was nine games ahead of them.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Not.

[Dale Hellestray]

Not first place.

[Brett]

No. Third place.

[Dale Hellestray]

Second place.

[Brett]

Third place. They were not. They were in A nine game gap.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yes. And none of those teams are getting worse.

[Brett]

The Seahawks are going to get better and stay this way because their window has I think seven or eight rookie contracts.

[Dale Hellestray]

They're not paying anybody three to four more years of this level of this. Yeah, the Rams with that coaching and the staffers going back in there and San Frisco, guess what? They'll get healthy.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Dale Hellestray]

For a while know.

[Brett]

But still the Cardinals are in dire straits in that division and this is a bad time to try to start over. I mean you it there again the hope is lost. So on that I go back to what Dale said a while ago. This city can't have nice things. The Suns last night, infuriating to season ticket holders like myself who this rest. Look, this is, this is frustrating. This is. No, no, this pisses me off. Happens two nights ago. They played Dallas and it was fun to watch Cooper flag.

[Dale Hellestray]

And by the way, to add insult to injury, Devin Booker played about 30 minutes the night before.

[Brett]

They could have shut that team out and not played a whole fourth quarter against Dallas. But to Dallas's credit, they made a little run there and kind of kept a little close. It was a 30 point game for a while and jumped back to seven.

[Dale Hellestray]

You're back in the raw. Yeah.

[Brett]

Oh, we jammed out of the game. We went rah rah room at halftime. I'm not coming out of here. Last night you knew at 2 o' clock this was not even going to be a game. So you've got, you know, Booker's out, greens out, Grayson Allen's out. They sat down their stars. Today the all star break starts. There are no games for 10 days and these guys were resting last night. Now people paid money to go to this stuff.

[Dale Hellestray]

And some people don't have Holmberg money. Right. You know, so.

[Brett]

Well, you know what? Statistically very few. 99. It's a 1%.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah. Very few. You Epstein, someone.

[Brett]

Oh yeah. No. Yeah. Similar lives.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah. But a dad and his son, they can afford tickets to maybe two sons games these days. Hey, we see Oklahoma City on the schedule, let's go to that. We'll do dinner. It's a fun night, kid.

[Brett]

Back in August.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yes.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Dale Hellestray]

And all of a sudden you go, well, Oklahoma City is not playing sga. Now, I don't know if he's really injured.

[Brett]

He's not. He's playing in the All Star game.

[Dale Hellestray]

Okay. And then I, because I turned the TV on last night and I see those three sitting together like three little class clowns. Now I know Grayson Allen's hurts, so take him out of the equation.

[Brett]

Right. He's actually the other two.

[Dale Hellestray]

No knuckleheads. I mean, Devin Booker, that was absolutely infuriating to me to see him sitting there, a little goofy grin on his face, and Jalen Green, who they're treating like he's a kindergartner and he's 23 years old.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Dale Hellestray]

John, at 23, did you need rest? You were playing 25 minutes.

[Brett]

I. At 23, we would play four or five games a day.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yes.

[Brett]

And break our ankles and play again the next day. It wasn't smart. It led to four massive surgeries in my life. But that's later on when I didn't play every day. We played all, like, if we weren't playing in a league, we were playing at a pickup games. We constantly played ball all the time.

[Dale Hellestray]

Four or five years ago, Jalen Green was playing AAU basketball or club basketball, and they're playing three games on a Saturday, two on a Sunday.

[Brett]

Yeah. You got like a half hour rest. You got to do it again.

[Dale Hellestray]

He's 23.

[Brett]

I know.

[Dale Hellestray]

And he played 20. 20 minutes the night before. Yep, 20. And then Devin Booker played 30 the night before against that vaunted Dallas team.

[Brett]

Easing him back in.

[Dale Hellestray]

And I'm gonna concentrate on Devin Booker. Yeah, Devin Booker played, I think it was 29 or 30 minutes against Dallas. Probably didn't even have to play that much. And I turned the TV on and I see those two goofballs sitting next to each other, and I said, are you kidding me? Are you kidding? Devin Booker is resting for the All Star game and the three point shooting contest. He'll play. I promise you he'll. He'll do the three point shooting contest, and I promise you he'll play in the All Star Game and then he'll probably sit out next Thursday.

[Brett]

Yeah. Because he's, you know, he's worn out, gotta rest.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah, it is.

[Brett]

It is frustrating as a season ticket holder to have games like that. That's a marquee matchup. That used to be. I remember when Colangelo used to own the team and he started the pay per views, and that was in the 90s, and he started pay per views, big games. So when the Seattle Sonics and Sean Kemp and Gary Payton played Barkley or the Laker. So you would pay $20 or 30 bucks for a son's game at home. And we gladly did it because you never said, well, Barkley's not going to play because he's just resting and it is because those games meant too much.

[Dale Hellestray]

Toby's going to play.

[Brett]

But, but remember, the standings were like they are now. You were fighting from usually the third to the 12th seed were within six or seven games of each other. You were jockeying for position all year and now they don't. They don't even do that in April. They just kind of take. It's so ridiculous. So, yeah, and you're right, you know, people who, who picked that game out in August should get it. You should. Everything's digital. So when you don't play the superstars, the ticket refunds you or gives you at least money to spend on food.

[Dale Hellestray]

Food, you know, merchandise.

[Brett]

We didn't play any of our guys tonight. If four stars are out and they are just resting.

[Dale Hellestray]

Right.

[Brett]

But I mean, they would manipulate that by saying, oh, he's got a tweaked ankle. Just monitoring it. But come on, if he played the night back to backs. They can't play back to back games anymore.

[Dale Hellestray]

Not 20 minutes for Jalen Green and then 20 minutes. Another night. Now at the end of the day, it wouldn't have made a difference.

[Brett]

No, they're going to get killed by.

[Dale Hellestray]

They were going to get killed, but.

[Brett]

Still he's not playing.

[Dale Hellestray]

And the other thing it reminded me of, and I guess it's still fresh in my mind, is the fact that last year. All Star break in baseball. Yeah, our All Star could tell. Marte takes Sunday off before the All Star game. So he's rested and ready to go for the All Star game.

[Brett]

That's upset, too.

[Dale Hellestray]

He's playing two innings.

[Brett]

Well, here's the thing. Diamondbacks should rest. Their season is already over. Their season is already the hope lived in everybody recovering from last year's injuries. People forget that. What's his name? Lord of Goreal. No, Lord is Goreal blew his knee out late last year. He's expected back in Jordan July. The pitcher, Corbin burns. Corbin Burns.

[Dale Hellestray]

A.J. puck.

[Brett]

He was coming back.

[Dale Hellestray]

The other reliever.

[Brett]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Four or five guys had injuries last year that are bleeding into this year. But like, man, when they get back, this is going to be something to contend. Yesterday Corbin Carroll bust his hand and.

[Dale Hellestray]

Understand the significance of that. It's when pitchers and catchers were.

[Brett]

What's he doing?

[Dale Hellestray]

He was showing he's hungry to get back.

[Brett]

That's what the whole team has played together evidently all week. And like, what are you doing?

[Dale Hellestray]

Doing?

[John Holmberg]

Was it live batting practice? Is that what I heard?

[Brett]

Did he get hit with it and broke his hand.

[Dale Hellestray]

And it broke his hand. His hammy bone.

[Brett]

So it's that removable bone. Yeah. It's a boxer's break, essentially.

[Dale Hellestray]

Okay.

[Brett]

Is when you hit heavy bags. Because I have that going on right now. When you hit a heavy bag wrong.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah.

[Brett]

There's this bone that's just above your wrist.

[Dale Hellestray]

It's a little horseshoe.

[Brett]

Yeah. And you can take it out. That's. Ken Griffey had that. Done it almost. It almost ended his career.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Because it's. It's a floating bone in your hand that'll snap. And it hurts like you have no idea, but it doesn't do anything.

[Dale Hellestray]

Visit Homeburg's morning sickness [e-mail] Holmberg's Morning Sickness. Whenever you get up and you turn on your computer, your phone, or whatever you do to check news.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Dale Hellestray]

And you see something like that, do I come right to your mind and go. Dale's.

[Brett]

Every time yesterday, when. When the news broke, Brett goes, oh, my God. Corbin Carroll just broke his hand. And I. I'm like, we can't have nice things, Dale Hellstrain. You can't even be excited in February. The baseball season ended before Valentine's Day for the Diamondbacks fans. And that's just ridiculous. It's. I mean, now what?

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Now they have to scrap against the Dodgers.

[Dale Hellestray]

Wawa or Ta Da or whoever.

[Brett]

Don't want to hear it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Ta Hawa.

[Brett]

No, Nothing. And everybody's gonna be like, you're. It's okay. He's pretty good. Yeah. They're going to have to just scramble, and then in September, they're going to wear out.

[Dale Hellestray]

He. Let's give Lawler some time.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Dale Hellestray]

You've done that for the last two years. What's that? Gotcha. Nothing. I mean, you gotta go back to the Cubs. I think ever since you came to the Diamondbacks, it's been.

[Brett]

They went to the World Series.

[Dale Hellestray]

Well, they. You didn't really come over until they got to the world, but I was.

[Brett]

Making all the right calls. You know what? Dale's right. I'm a Cubs fan again. I'm back on.

[John Holmberg]

Can you buy all your stuff back now?

[Brett]

God damn it. I need my stuff back. All those charities I donated that to. I hope you haven't sold my. I want it back. Yeah, no, it's.

[Dale Hellestray]

I always gave you credit. A lot of people go, I'm not cheering for them anymore.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Dale Hellestray]

And they slowly start cheering for. But you actually.

[Brett]

You saw my sports bars void of Cubs.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah. You got rid of stuff.

[Brett]

I gave it to charity. Well, the news showed up at my house. Troy Hayden was there with cameras saying, what are you doing?

[Dale Hellestray]

Really? The news.

[Brett]

He's the news. Troy's a good dude. He's the new.

[Dale Hellestray]

I'm not saying he's not a good dude, but he's also your buddy.

[Brett]

It wasn't at the time I got to know. I mean, I knew him, but we were like, we've gotten to be friendly after that. But he came to the house and he's. And he filmed my Ernie Banks thing. Oh, I wish I got that back. I had an autographed Ernie Banks.

[John Holmberg]

Did you get rid of that?

[Brett]

Well, I gave it to charity.

[John Holmberg]

I had to stash that.

[Brett]

No, that's. See, that's not.

[Dale Hellestray]

What's that look who's a charity. Is this your wife's chair?

[Brett]

No, this was a. No, that would have been a smart move to keep it in the family Swiss bank account. No, this was a. I gave it to Lost Our Home Pet rescues charity auction.

[Dale Hellestray]

Okay. Did you raise some decent money?

[Brett]

I didn't pay attention. Didn't care. I had. I just had to let it go. Whatever they got, they got. I had to let it go. It was very depressing, though, because. Oh, this. This part hurts. I don't even like saying it. So they. They had it at a charity auction. And then about three months later, I'm going through the Lost Our Home pet rescue for one of the picket litter weeks. And I looked in an office and I saw it there leaning on a wall. It was stuff that didn't get bid on.

[John Holmberg]

Ernie Banks.

[Brett]

Ernie Banks.

[John Holmberg]

Really see them there, right there.

[Brett]

So they said, we're going to put it. We're going to put it in the next one. And they did it on the next one.

[Dale Hellestray]

I got money, but were they asking too much?

[Brett]

I don't know if there was people who just didn't get it. I don't know which auction they put it up on.

[Dale Hellestray]

You think there were people that are going, who's Ernie Bank?

[Brett]

Yes, I do. I think it was some sort of weird. I don't know if they had like, you know, some D and D convention or something. Maybe it was just a charity raising money for lesbians with blind cats that. I mean, like, I don't even know what's it. D and Dungeons and Dragons.

[Dale Hellestray]

Don't look at me like I should know what that is.

[Brett]

Well, you grew up with dragons. Didn't Gulliver have dragons? And I think Dale was there.

[Dale Hellestray]

I thought, I've seen conviction.

[Brett]

Like, you're one of the characters in Dungeons and you're the one with the big. Yeah, they kill stories about people like you two.

[Dale Hellestray]

I thought D and D would stand for something else.

[Brett]

Oh, that's cuz you're a pervert. We're normal humans.

[John Holmberg]

This isn't Katie.

[Brett]

KB Hey, Dale. What do you think? Think of Savannah Guthrie's mom.

[Dale Hellestray]

We go from deep.

[Brett]

Are you paying attention to anything in the world?

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah.

[Brett]

You know what's going on down there? What do you think?

[Dale Hellestray]

If you're asking me my opinion, I. I think that the son in law.

[Brett]

I think the family has something to do with it. I think the daughter's doing something I'm starting to believe.

[Dale Hellestray]

Man, you haven't even seen this guy though. I mean, who? Tommaso or.

[Brett]

Oh, yeah, that guy. Yeah. I don't at first. Well, I still think it was. It's all arranged. I think it's gotten so clumsy that it's fake. But I also think now that it's going to be an illegal immigrant because have you noticed that since we started this fake news story. This is Nash rubbing off on me. But since this fake news story started. No, it's not this fake news story. I've been good at this for years. I've been. I've been.

[John Holmberg]

I'm not saying you're wrong, but it is a little Nash.

[Brett]

It is a little Nash. But my BS meter's gone off on a lot of news stories that later turned out to be like, oh, you're right. Oh, Jussie Smolay, Ryan Lochte, all these things when you're like, that doesn't add up. Like at first blush, it doesn't add up. And then it gets worse. So, you know, nobody cares about the dead people in Minnesota anymore since this started. The news doesn't even pay attention. Oh, I see where you're talking. And all this stuff is this manufactured. Like, look over here for a second. We screwed everything. Both sides screwed up everything up in Minnesota. Now it's old.

[John Holmberg]

Over.

[Brett]

There's two dead people that everybody cared about. A week and. A week and a half ago, there were marches. Marches in every city in America.

[Dale Hellestray]

That's true.

[Brett]

And. And they're like, ah, they're. They're killing people. Don't you dare. Like, the democracy's over. What? Savannah Guthrie's mom's missing. Oh, we don't care about this anymore. Democracy is just fine.

[Dale Hellestray]

And. And 10 days have gone by.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Dale Hellestray]

And they've released house and they release property. And then they come back two days later.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Dale Hellestray]

It's like none of that adds up. Don't you put tape around it and have police officers there and tell Dale knows the case is over with.

[Brett]

Dale goes to NFL doctors on a weekly basis to see how is he still alive. And it's so elementary to even you.

[Dale Hellestray]

It's like they, they. This can't be really how they're going about this.

[Brett]

It's on my brain a lot. Yeah. And then did you see, you know the movie Silence of the Lambs?

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah.

[Brett]

You're familiar with that. Did you see the video of that where the speech that Savannah Guthrie gave to say, I miss my mom. She's smart, she's kind. Talk to her, you'll see. And then you play this. The scene where a senator is begging for her daughter's life in silence the Lambs. It's the same speech. No, it's the same speech. No, it's the same thing.

[Dale Hellestray]

And it's like.

[Brett]

It's exactly. I saw it when I watched it because I have. Silence of the Lambs is memorized in my head. I know every line from that movie.

[Dale Hellestray]

Well, that initial interview, I'm. I'm looking at the brother going, what, what, what, what? What's up with him?

[Brett]

And then who goes up to a house with that much preparation to kidnap an old lady and goes, oh, camera. And then they stare at it and then go pick flowers. By the way, the last thing you want to do is kidnap an 85 year old person.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah. What you want one? Bitcoin?

[Brett]

Yeah, unless. Yeah, unless your family member and you know her medicine score schedule and you.

[Dale Hellestray]

Know how to think. They took the medicine.

[John Holmberg]

I thought they said they didn't.

[Brett]

Well, no.

[Dale Hellestray]

Well, they get refills.

[Brett]

Well, yeah, but still, bottom line is they took an 85 year old with needs. Yeah, nobody's doing that. If I broke into your house and I'm like, I'm going to steal a person, let's say the only one in there was 85. And I'll do it tomorrow. I'll come back. Until there's relevant people here. I'm not going to listen to her bitch about how cold it is every day for the next. You're the victim. If you've got an 85 year old woman who doesn't want to be in your house, that's their terror. Terrible. After 80, human beings are the worst.

[Dale Hellestray]

Nobody showed anything about the drop off. Supposedly after they make mom way mode to their house for dinner.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Dale Hellestray]

What was a mile and a half?

[Brett]

They wouldn't even pick her up.

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Brett]

Oh, it's good stuff. See, this is what we got to talk about now that sports is over, now that football's over. Did you find it?

[John Holmberg]

I think this is it.

[Brett]

All right, let's see. Like, this is. This is abs. It's full of kindness and knowledge. Talk to her and you see Catherine is very gentle and kind. Talk to her, and you'll see. How about that? She full of kindness. It's. It's the same speech. And I understand that maybe the FBI hands over a template, but once a movie does it, you've got to change it.

[Dale Hellestray]

You've got to change the speech.

[John Holmberg]

Don't you Scorsese delete on this case down there or what? I mean, here's your script.

[Brett]

It's. It's interesting. You think it's a family member?

[Dale Hellestray]

That. And the other thing is you never. Which one's the USA Today or the. The host today?

[Brett]

Oh, the Today show host. There's no USA Today host.

[Dale Hellestray]

Is that Savannah Guthrie? Savannah. Because I didn't know who she.

[Brett]

Mom is Nancy.

[Dale Hellestray]

Okay. And then the sister. Somebody else. But you haven't seen either husband of.

[Brett]

The sisters I saw. When. That's in that speech she gave. One of them sisters sitting by her. No, that's her brother. Oh, it is?

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah.

[Brett]

I didn't know that.

[Dale Hellestray]

I haven't seen either, either. Wouldn't you. If you're. Well, I don't know. You're. You're not the right guy to ask. But if. If your wife's mother got abducted and it was this dire, would you not be by her side when she's talking to the media at least once? Would you not be there giving her support at least once?

[Brett]

Would I be back from the party in 10 days? It's the old Patrice O' Neill thing. He said, if you. Like, a man would be like, every guy. He's a comedian. He's great. But is it like your wife disappears and he's like. After two or three days, you're like, man, something's different. I haven't seen her. I've been having a lot of fun for, like, 72 hours. Nobody's yelled at me and like, oh, they're gonna think I did this. So you gotta whip up some tears and act like. But I think the fam. I don't think Savannah's in it. I think something in the family, they know, and they're going to because they know Savannah's got money outside.

[John Holmberg]

Is there money? Is the old broad have money?

[Brett]

She got a nice place. She was a nice.

[Dale Hellestray]

Bought a Tucson all of a sudden 10 days later, they find a glove.

[Brett]

Yeah. And O.J. was nowhere to be. Yeah. There's gloves in the road.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Come on.

[Dale Hellestray]

Just off.

[Brett]

Off the ride. Come on. How dumb do they think we are?

[Dale Hellestray]

Well, evidently there's a lot of people.

[Brett]

Falling for it because Dale Hellestray is making more sense. That scares the hell out of me. Good Lord. You got a guy with head trauma going, this doesn't add up. And normally that's just not right. Right. That's it. All right. I got. I can't get enough. And Corbin, Carol's broken, so I got no baseball season. Basketball. Everybody's sitting down. We need. We need more of this stuff going on to. To keep your segment interesting.

[Dale Hellestray]

Although I did. I did cash some money a couple days ago. How much? Enough to pay for what I'm not getting.

[Brett]

Oh, I thought it was a bet.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah, it was. I took the Suns in the over 31 and a half.

[Brett]

Oh. So I've been throwing bets out. Over and 31 and a half.

[Dale Hellestray]

I got that before the season started. Oh.

[Brett]

For wins. I thought you meant last night. I'm like, oh, my God, what a bet that had to be.

[Dale Hellestray]

Now 31 and a half wins.

[Brett]

I thought you gave 31 and a.

[Dale Hellestray]

Half before the all Star game.

[Brett]

Yeah, yeah, that's. That's pretty good. Well, yeah, I don't bet nobody's. No, no. Which $10 and you want about 74 bucks. How much did you get on that?

[Dale Hellestray]

I'll have to check.

[Brett]

You know how much you got? Give me a ballpark. How much did you bet?

[Dale Hellestray]

I bet 25.

[Brett]

25 and the. And so it was probably like a plus. 300.

[Dale Hellestray]

I think it was a hundred. 120.

[Brett]

Oh, that's nothing.

[Dale Hellestray]

I know it's nothing.

[Brett]

Zero.

[Dale Hellestray]

But at least I had a little comp. Did you take the Suns in the over.

[Brett]

Yeah, of course. That wasn't easy. Thousands.

[John Holmberg]

Thousands.

[Brett]

Philip makes a good point. So, John, did you just say a nice place in Tucson? Yeah, I mean, for Tucson, it's all. All things relative. It's a dump.

[Dale Hellestray]

Catalina foothills. That's a pretty part of Tucson.

[Brett]

Okay. Yeah, the toilets are a pretty part of Tucson. There's nothing good. It's. It's a. It's a 1 out of 10 at its best.

[Dale Hellestray]

You didn't go to ASU? Why. Why do you hate Tucson?

[Brett]

Have you been to Tucson? Yeah, that to hate it.

[Dale Hellestray]

I've been up in the foothills where the couple's resorts are pretty nice.

[Brett]

You know what? I've been. I leave and go past Those foothills and head on up to Phoenix where there's normal stuff. A nice city. I don't want to be anywhere.

[Dale Hellestray]

Or you have to. El Paso or.

[Brett]

Oh, El Paso is Tucson's turds. Albuquerque. El Paso and Tucson are like triplets. They're like triplet cities of each other. Anyway, Dale, illustrate. Three time world champion and a guest on the John Holberg sports podcast. Be [e-mail] I don't know if that's right or not. It's made it up.

[John Holmberg]

People want the word one more time.

[Brett]

Oh, y. The nine o' clock word is frail.

[Dale Hellestray]

What are you giving away here, John?

[Brett]

Sweet to Nine Inch Nails. A band called Nine Inch Nails. You don't know Nine Inch Nails?

[Dale Hellestray]

I don't know any other songs.

[John Holmberg]

You probably know.

[Brett]

You know, cl. You know, Closer. Pulled up here.

[Dale Hellestray]

Closer.

[Brett]

Closer. You know you do. I wanna f you like an animal.

[Dale Hellestray]

No, I don't listen to that.

[Brett]

Yes, you do.

[Dale Hellestray]

No, I don't.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Here. This. You know this song? Trent. Re. Penetrate you. You let me penetrate you. Dale. You don't know.

[Dale Hellestray]

This is Nine Inch Nails.

[Brett]

Yeah. This is a. They're huge.

[Dale Hellestray]

This is a rock.

[Brett]

Oh, yeah, it is.

[Dale Hellestray]

This is synthesizer.

[Brett]

Well, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

It's a text, not the radio version, so be careful.

[Dale Hellestray]

Oh, it is. It's not. You don't know this one? No, never heard it by now. I turn it off anyway.

[Brett]

You would have. You know this. You're listening. Big line. Yeah.

[Dale Hellestray]

You know this.

[Brett]

You and you guys play this on this station? Oh, yeah.

[Dale Hellestray]

I wonder why you're rating.

[Brett]

That's a gem. It's a classic. We're giving away a suite to that. So the word is frail. We got the entertainment drill coming up in just moments. It's 98 KUPD.

[John Holmberg]

Hey.

[Brett]

It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee. I have heard enough of this.

[Dale Hellestray]

Morning sickness.

[Brett]

You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. That's too far. I see. That's why we can't have cameras in the studio.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Yeah, I just. I didn't.

[Dale Hellestray]

We just figured out John doesn't have a heart.

[Brett]

I have a heart. Deal. But it's. We were talking about, you know, kidnapping an 85 year old person. There's a lot of cleanup. There's a lot of responsibility. Nobody wants that.

[Dale Hellestray]

But you also said that you took your dog in last week and sad. Whenever you have to put a dignity.

[Brett]

We give them dignity.

[Dale Hellestray]

You don't give your dad dignity.

[Brett]

No, I would give him Dignity.

[Dale Hellestray]

You put a limit on it.

[Brett]

Look, my dad. If my dad starts. If I ever have to wipe my dad's thighs. Yes, he's lost his dignity.

[Dale Hellestray]

You said you'd give him five times.

[Brett]

Well, I'm gonna call him an ass. Maybe as a kid, maybe my dad wiped my ass five times. And I'm. And I'm knowing him the way I know him now. Probably my mom was off, like, I just need a break. And she'd leave, and, like, I'll watch it. And he just. He stared at me for a while, put me in the crib.

[Dale Hellestray]

I smell.

[Brett]

And he'd leave and like, oh, he stinks.

[John Holmberg]

Probably made your sister do it. He's like, he's not even doing it.

[Brett]

Good chance of that. That. But also, he probably was like, all right, I'm gonna get screamed at if I don't do something. So more than likely, he.

[Dale Hellestray]

He.

[Brett]

This. If I know my dad, he ran water in the sink in the kitchen and put a stopper in there and then, like, made a little pool, took the thing off of me, threw it out, threw up, dunked me a couple of times, and then put a diaper over my filthy ass. And then my mom came home, and he's like, yeah, I changed one of them, but I think he did it again. And then she would go in and do the real cleanup. You know, he did the half ass. He shoved all the laundry under the bed and then told her, like, oh, wow, dish gloves on. Or the elbows and. Oh, so maybe I owe my dad five white. I owe my mom everything. A lot of that.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Still not going to do it, but I owe her. I will pay someone gladly, so.

[Dale Hellestray]

So does your mom get more chances than your dad?

[Brett]

As far as.

[Dale Hellestray]

Is this your real mom or stepmom?

[Brett]

Real mom. Stepmom. I'm not touching her.

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Brett]

My dad's the only one allowed back there. He married her. He can wipe her.

[Dale Hellestray]

Okay.

[Brett]

And plus, if my dad dies first, we'll probably never see her.

[John Holmberg]

Who's his broad?

[Brett]

Yeah. Who's his brother?

[Dale Hellestray]

You got a guest room?

[Brett]

Oh, she can. More than happy to have her visit. She's very nice lady, but I'm not wiping her ass. Yeah, no, that's not happening. But ass wiping for parents is rough.

[Dale Hellestray]

So you just. You just talked about the. The bonding, the moment with you and your dog, the last few moments, and it didn't even feel freak you out, but all of a sudden, touching your dad in a moment of need because.

[Brett]

He'S screaming back, like, don't look at me. Like, the dog didn't do that. Like, if your dad's like crying, don't look at me. Wipe my thighs. I'm like, oh, God, shut up. I'd be screaming back, just be quiet. Neither of us want to be here. And then you just. We have an agreement to push a pillow. But I'm thinking about it. I owe him maybe five wipes.

[Dale Hellestray]

Okay?

[Brett]

There's no way Dan wiped my ass more than a handful.

[Dale Hellestray]

And so do you look at him on the fourth one and said, dad.

[Brett]

Oh, I got a punch card ready. Space for one more?

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah.

[Brett]

And he'd look at me and you just hear. I'm like, this is it. This is the last time.

[Dale Hellestray]

I told you. I'm gonna get one of those pills, cyanide, whatever they are, and give one to each daughter. And the first time you have to do it just.

[Brett]

And let's be honest, like, my dad's 80. If somebody kidnapped him right now, I'd be like, we're good. He's all right. Look, they'd be giving everybody a break. Like, we don't have to talk to him for a little while. I'd go on the news and I'd somebody find him. And then for like three days, it'd be in Cancun. I'd be doing stuff.

[John Holmberg]

You're not going to Tucson to find him?

[Brett]

No, I'm not going to walk around Tucson. It's D. People get disappeared over there. There's a killer on the loose in Tucson. When am I going to walk around and look for the man stand for?

[Dale Hellestray]

You're crazy.

[Brett]

I wouldn't even if my dad, like. I'd look around and be like, there looks like somebody broke in and took him. I'd still tell the news. I think he just wandered off. I don't want to. I don't make a.

[Dale Hellestray]

Last time I saw.

[Brett]

I don't want to make a fuss here. If somebody's got it.

[Dale Hellestray]

Your dad's a big man.

[Brett]

He's a bigger dude.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Not huge. Not. Not so much anymore. He's probably. I mean, for an 80 year old man, he's in great shape. He's 78 or 79, I guess, but he's 6ft 210 pounds. Yeah. Yeah.

[Dale Hellestray]

He'S bigger than you. You're 5'11.

[Brett]

He's probably 5'9, 5'10. Now he's shrunk. I'm 6ft exactly, Dale and 205 and looking good. Oh, yeah. No, the abs are popping. Shut up, Dale.

[Dale Hellestray]

So's the Nose.

[Brett]

Oh, no, I can't fix that. The face is nothing. You can't work out and have your face get better. It's just what my face is. Shut up, Dale. It's time now for the entertainment drill, and it's brought to you by our friends at the Schwartz Laser Eye Center. Get your eyes fixed. Get everything ready. I didn't even know about the readers stuff. They can fix it so your reader. You don't even need readers, Dale. They've got a new lens thing you can put in your eye that the one I have organically kind of adapts to your eyes changes so your vision never really moves. The new one, I don't know how new it is, but this one that I just found out about, they can put the lens in, and then over time, they can adjust it like glasses. So if you're. If your eyes adapt, they're like, oh, we can just make that a stronger prescription in your eyes. Your eye. Go talk to Dr. Jay Schwartz. Schwartzer. It's amazing stuff. The technology is incredible. And if you're squinting and driving, you're wasting your time. Get your sight back. Have perfect vision. You don't know what you're missing. Until you do, you're cheating yourself. Don't do that anymore. Schwarz laser eisner team idoc.com they are the team eye doctors of the Suns and the Diamondbacks. Can't help a hand, but they could fix Corbin's eyes if he got popped in the face. That's about as far as. As it goes. Dr. J. Schwartz is the man. Schwartz, Laser Eisenhower. Brad Entertainment.

[John Holmberg]

All right, celebrity birthdays. We've already talked about. The big one today was just Michael McDonald turning 74.

[Brett]

Can you sing like Michael McDonald? Can you sing like Michael McDonald? Do you have any Michael McDonald? Can you sing?

[Dale Hellestray]

No, I can't. No. I heard that. That. It was 10 minutes. Oh, I thought you were saying spread the other cheeks.

[Brett]

Why is everybody. I said, take your fingers and grab your face cheeks. I even said face cheeks.

[Dale Hellestray]

Not. Not the time I heard.

[Brett]

There you go. Yeah. And then this. Go ahead, Dale. Pull your cheeks apart.

[Dale Hellestray]

I don't know the words.

[Brett]

Yes, you do. Come on.

[Dale Hellestray]

You have no shame. This is back in high school for me.

[Brett]

Is it?

[Dale Hellestray]

I think so.

[Brett]

Great song. 78.

[Dale Hellestray]

78. That been my software.

[Brett]

How about that? Try it. You know. You know what a fool believes part.

[John Holmberg]

When he gets in the chorus.

[Brett]

Happy birthday to Michael. We keep this going in the background.

[John Holmberg]

Josh Broland turns 58 years old. Arsenio Hall, 70.

[Brett]

Get out of Here.

[John Holmberg]

Let'S see.

[Dale Hellestray]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

Joanna Kern.

[Brett]

Burns, growing pain.

[John Holmberg]

73.

[Dale Hellestray]

He used to be a looker.

[Brett]

Yeah, she was a good looking lady.

[John Holmberg]

And RG3. 36.

[Brett]

He's only 36.

[John Holmberg]

I thought he was older than that.

[Brett]

Well, because he blew up as a rookie. Yeah, he was 23.

[Dale Hellestray]

What do you have, four year career?

[Brett]

Maybe. Well, yeah, you know, backing up, but I mean, Mike Shanahan tried to kill him in his first playoff game and let him play with a broken leg. His knee exploded. His knee had blown up. And he's like, get out there.

[Dale Hellestray]

Who's he think he is? Lindsey Vaughn?

[Brett]

Yeah. Oh, man. Too soon, Dale. That poor lady's getting her third surgery this week.

[John Holmberg]

And Valentine's Day right around the corner. 54 years ago today, Al Green's Let's Stay Together hit number one.

[Dale Hellestray]

Now you're talking.

[John Holmberg]

That's a great song.

[Brett]

Yeah. Can Michael McDonald sing that dance? Let's stay together Loving you weather. You could do this, Dale.

[Dale Hellestray]

You could do that without pulling your cheeks apart. Pull your pants back up, Dale.

[Brett]

It doesn't sound the same. Just pulling my cheeks apart. You can hear the difference talking.

[Dale Hellestray]

You do that for Jerry Jones, too?

[Brett]

I do. My face. Pull back.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Gotta pull it all the way back. Dale. Dale, what's this I hear about you wiping people's asses? Is that for hire? Because I need help.

[Dale Hellestray]

Jerry. Jerry's not too far away.

[Brett]

Steven's wiping some flies. Stephen, I've got a little oil spill back here. I think I hit a geyser.

[John Holmberg]

Looper.com put together a list of the 10 most underrated movies of the 90s. 90s, underrated. Any guesses?

[Brett]

For whatever reason, people will say, reality bites. Is it on the top? Okay. I just watched the thing on tv.

[Dale Hellestray]

We're like, this is a movie that.

[Brett]

Kind of personifies the 90s. I thought it stunk when it came out. Movies that are underrate. American Psycho.

[John Holmberg]

Not on the list.

[Brett]

Well, it's pretty highly.

[John Holmberg]

2000S, was it?

[Brett]

I don't know. What are they?

[John Holmberg]

Number 10. Go.

[Brett]

Oh, yeah, that's pretty good.

[John Holmberg]

We'll just skip around here a little bit. Number seven, Jackie Brown. Very.

[Brett]

That's a wildly. Did you ever see that Quentin Tarantino movie? Jacket is great.

[John Holmberg]

Really good. Number five. That thing you do.

[Brett]

Yep. That was Tom Hanks.

[John Holmberg]

Number four, LA Story. I thought that was bigger.

[Brett]

I didn't like LA Story. That was the Steve Martin.

[Dale Hellestray]

You've seen all these?

[Brett]

Yeah. This is the night.

[Dale Hellestray]

How'd you live life?

[Brett]

I could get things done, Dale. LA Story. Was the Steve Martin. Sarah Jessica Parker. Danny Glenn, Lover.

[Dale Hellestray]

What?

[Brett]

It wasn't very good.

[John Holmberg]

That wasn't all Kim Basinger.

[Brett]

No, that was LA Confidential.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, okay. All right.

[Brett]

This blows Dale's mind that I actually know things.

[John Holmberg]

Number three, Barton Fink.

[Brett]

Barton Fink's amazing.

[John Holmberg]

Don't remember that.

[Brett]

John Turturo.

[John Holmberg]

I never seen.

[Brett]

It's a. Yeah, it's an outstanding. It's a. It's a Coen Brothers movie. It's amazing.

[Dale Hellestray]

I was in my prime in. In the 90s, and I don't know anything.

[Brett]

And I remember all the football, too. I got it all done. Dale.

[John Holmberg]

Number two, Dark. Dark Man.

[Brett]

Was that.

[Dale Hellestray]

No, no, no, that's.

[Brett]

No, that's the dude from. He was the retarded guy in LA Law. I can't remember his name. Stop, stop. Oh, that's right. Liam Neeson's in Dark Man.

[Dale Hellestray]

Stop.

[John Holmberg]

That's right.

[Brett]

He's right.

[John Holmberg]

All right. And number one, pump up the volume.

[Brett]

The Christian Slater movie. Yeah. All right.

[Dale Hellestray]

At least I've heard of that.

[Brett]

Pump up the volume. Also no known as. Was that gleaming the Cube, too? Didn't they change the name of it?

[John Holmberg]

Did they change it? Yeah, I remember the different ones.

[Brett]

Okay. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Brett]

Pump up the volume.

[John Holmberg]

This one's for Dale. Best country love songs of the century.

[Brett]

Oh, my dog's anus is tight.

[John Holmberg]

Number one.

[Brett]

Yeah, that's what I thought.

[John Holmberg]

We'll just. We'll just go with George straight. He is.

[Brett]

Oh, well, first.

[John Holmberg]

Not on. Not on the top.

[Brett]

What about. Oh, that's just for people. How about. What's that band called? Sister? Coming in at number two. Pull on my ears.

[Dale Hellestray]

Give us a couple.

[John Holmberg]

Number five. Amazed by Lone Star.

[Dale Hellestray]

Okay. I just heard that the other day.

[Brett]

Pegging with a Budweiser.

[John Holmberg]

Number four, Speechless Dan and Shay. Tennessee Whiskey at number three.

[Dale Hellestray]

Oh, you gotta love Tennessee Whiskey.

[Brett]

It hurts to pee, but it makes me think of you. I remember that one.

[John Holmberg]

I was tied for number one.

[Brett]

That was number one.

[John Holmberg]

Also number two, Die a Happy Man. And number one, Remember when.

[Dale Hellestray]

Oh, you gotta remember. That's a great one.

[Brett]

My fingers smell like fish and I don't eat sushi. I remember that one. Mama, Mama. That's fish. Her fish fries the best. No, it's a. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And here's one that John Gordon will be very excited about. Loudness. Coming back to celebrate their 45th anniversary Japanese spring and summer world tour.

[Dale Hellestray]

That's a group Loudness.

[Brett]

They were Japanese metal band that couldn't say Ls because they're Japanese. So their name was Loudness, but they called themselves Rowdness.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

And they had a song called Crazy Nights, but it was Crazy Nights. You can hear it when they sing. The accent is so thick, it's a terrible song.

[John Holmberg]

So Loudness fans unite. And Dale's got a story for you. I gave him a good one.

[Dale Hellestray]

Well, he gave me two, and I'm not. I'll let the Angeli Jolie wait for Brady tomorrow. All right, we talked about this on.

[Brett]

On my amazing podcast Timeout, 10 o'.

[John Holmberg]

Clock.

[Brett]

Word for Nine Inch Nails is industrial.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Brett]

Industrial. We're in hilarious time. Industrial is the word. Go ahead.

[Dale Hellestray]

Okay. We talked about this on the wildly successful John Holmberg podcast, found on all your.

[Brett]

Everywhere you find Bumble Dumble. That's right.

[Dale Hellestray]

Sam Darnold. And this entry, interesting jock tax. Sam Darnold will pay more in taxes for the super bowl than he made playing in the game.

[Brett]

Game. $178,000 check from the NFL to Super bowl winners.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yes.

[Brett]

So he got 170 grand. But because the Super Bowls in California, they have a jock tax.

[Dale Hellestray]

And so every day you stay. Yeah. You get taxed more. So he's gonna have to pay about $225,000 in taxes.

[John Holmberg]

So you get taxed on where the game is at, not where you live.

[Brett]

And you get taxed on your salary, not. Not the winning. So he won $178,000. But what they tax is his regular season salary, which is two and a half million a game.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's a bunch of.

[Brett]

So they hit you. Exactly. It is. You're not wrong about that.

[Dale Hellestray]

And guess the first city who did this. Because it started happening in the 90s, Philadelphia was the first city to start taxing athletes. When you play the game there and.

[Brett]

That you get taxed on their state.

[Dale Hellestray]

Back then it was just the game check you got from playing in Philadelphia that day. And you only stayed one day anyway.

[Brett]

So does that. Is that a thing? Like when the Cardinals a few years ago. And sometimes teams do this on west coast to east coast. You play Washington and Phil, you stay for two weeks.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah, I'll stay for. Yeah, 10 days or whatever. Yeah, you get taxed for that.

[John Holmberg]

Wow.

[Brett]

Jesus.

[Dale Hellestray]

And. And by the end of the 90s, I literally had eight away games.

[Brett]

Yeah. And.

[Dale Hellestray]

And then by other tax, you had 10 state tax forms.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Dale Hellestray]

Crazy.

[Brett]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

That's insane.

[Brett]

That's not fair. Yeah. Sam Darnold, I mean, he'll take it. He's still got a million dollar bonus for winning it. But when you got Hit.

[Dale Hellestray]

Well, you needed the million dollar bonus by the tax.

[Brett]

That's true. Because otherwise.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

He gets hammered on the other. Yeah. 235 something thousand in taxes.

[Dale Hellestray]

Right. Because they stayed there for eight days.

[Brett]

Yeah, it's nuts. They got to change that. And again Super Bowls and Sofi next year it's going to happen again to whoever's there next year.

[Dale Hellestray]

And now. And now there is a push. It'll be interesting to see if the NFLPA comes to the rescue and says no more Super Bowls in California.

[Brett]

Well, losing team gets 100 grand each, I think or something. Something like that.

[Dale Hellestray]

Yeah. But.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Dale Hellestray]

How much is. I don't know who the best player from the England would be, but somebody's making 20, $30 million probably so. Somebody making 20 million.

[Brett]

Yeah. You know, he's getting hammered. Yeah, man.

[Dale Hellestray]

And getting a Super bowl losing ring, Johnny. And that. I don't have any names for that. Oh, yeah, it's called the. It'll be called the AFC championship ring. I always called the super bowl loser.

[Brett]

It is because that's what it is. There's a guy by my house who in his garage hangs a, you know, Arizona Cardinals 2008 NFC Champions banner. And I'm like, ghost dealers. It's second place, second place.

[Dale Hellestray]

And I first loser. And the other thing I never had to do, John, was go to a Super bowl loser party.

[Brett]

Ouch. They have those.

[Dale Hellestray]

Well, you have to plan it, you know, 10 days in advance. Oh, you'd have been there. I would a 95 if you.

[Brett]

All my Steelers losses, if they lose there. I have no merchandise of AFC championship.

[Dale Hellestray]

You would have been if, if you and I were friends back then. You would have came to the cowboy super.

[John Holmberg]

No way.

[Dale Hellestray]

Oh, you'd be in there pooping and hauling.

[John Holmberg]

Michael. Be up there.

[Brett]

Michael.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, man.

[Dale Hellestray]

Michael.

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Brett]

I'd have been like, this sucks. I'd have been miserable.

[Dale Hellestray]

You're so awesome.

[Brett]

No, I wouldn't have said that.

[Dale Hellestray]

Larry Brown, you're the best. Very.

[Brett]

Kicked him in the balls a hundred times. I'm done talking to you. We'll do a little loudness. We'll throw some loudness in, John. How about that? We'll. We'll do crazy nights. Yeah, it's loaded up and ready to go. How about that? Some loudness. This is it. 1985. And I guess they saw this K Pop stuff and thought, yeah, let's go. Crazy nights, everybody. Thank you, Dale. Get better, Brady. We'll see you guys tomorrow in the morning. Signa solo. It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee. I have heard enough of this.