02-13-26 - Dave Attell - Stand Up Live - IN Studio

Summary

Podcast Summary: Holmberg's Morning Sickness – Dave Attell In Studio

Episode: 02-13-26 - Dave Attell - Stand Up Live - IN Studio
Date: February 13, 2026
Host: John Holmberg (with Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo)
Guest: Dave Attell

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Main Theme/Purpose

This episode centers on comedian Dave Attell’s visit to promote his shows at Stand Up Live in Phoenix over Valentine’s and President’s Day weekend. The conversation is a humorous, free-ranging back-and-forth covering topics from relationships and history to dementia, artificial intelligence, the comedy world, and life on the road. True to the show’s style, the hosts and Attell blend observational comedy, personal anecdotes, and absurd musings, delivering both laughs and unexpected depth.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Dave Attell as the Accidental Valentine’s Spokesperson

• [01:22] Attell jokes about his role as a romantic figure for Stand Up Live's Valentine's shows:
  "For my shows, only the broken, broken. Well, that's almost all of us." (Dave Attell)
• He admits he has no idea how he always ends up performing on "coupley holidays" like Valentine’s.

2. Historical Humor: Assassination of Garfield

• [02:37] They riff on obscure presidential history, particularly President James Garfield’s assassination.
• Attell mock-laments the forgotten president and the bearded suspects depicted in the Netflix documentary.
  • Memorable quote: "If you ever wondered what the Taliban would look like if they wore suits – well, there you go." (Attell, [03:19])
• Holmberg adds: "Garfield's the most forgotten shot guy ever." ([03:46])

3. Carriage Rides and Romance in Phoenix

• [04:36] Attell and Holmberg debate the romantic potential of carriage rides in downtown Phoenix, concluding that donkeys (burros) are the “jeep of the equine family” ([04:53]).
• They joke about the impracticality of horses surviving Arizona summers.

4. Dave Attell’s Personal Life and Family, Dementia Care

• [05:49] - [06:56] Attell opens up about caring for his mother with dementia, recounting a stressful New Year’s Eve ER trip:
  • "I'm the most spoiled...We had toys, we went on vacations...I feel very spoiled." (Attell, [05:44])
  • "You know how hard it is to get out of the city on New Year's Eve? It's like a drunk driving festival." ([06:24])
• He describes his experiences improvising conversations with his mother and the challenges of dementia caregiving:
  • "It's all improv...They don't remember anything...you gotta roll with whatever's going on." (Attell, [17:12]-[17:49])
  • "My mom's still sweet. Some people get angry...they have Sundown syndrome." (Attell, [17:44])

5. Winter Weather and City Life

• [06:58] - [08:27] Attell contrasts winter in New York (burying cars in snow) to Arizona’s aridity and marvels at cultural differences, including snow removal and landscapers' leaf blowers.
• They muse about Arizona's lack of interest in the cold and how locals “would figure it out.”

6. Football, Halftime Shows, and the Absurdity of Entertainment

• [08:29] - [09:53] The group discusses a recent football game, emphasizing the unheralded art of punting.
• Holmberg jokes: “It would be like if they took a porn and edited it and put it on TNT.” ([08:54])
• Attell suggests halftime entertainers should have to play in the game, imagining Bad Bunny suited up for both teams ([09:27]).

7. The Comedy World and Theme Park Fantasies

• [10:20] - [12:02] Attell fantasizes about a “Haunted Comedy Club” theme park, where comics work as themselves. Nate Bargatze, comic and friend, is highlighted as someone “who could sell tickets to anything.”
  • "I want to get a job at that theme park, as a Dave Attell." (Attell, [10:37])
• The hosts riff on the artificial smiles of theme park mascots and minor league entertainers.

8. Musing on Automation and AI

• [18:00] - [19:06] Conversation turns to self-driving cars (Waymo):
  • "It’s weird to see something that just is built to drive… there’s nothing else, just A to B, fight with this AI." (Attell, [18:07])
  • "I think we can all agree we’ve seen guys go in, but we haven’t seen anyone come out. It’s the portal." (Holmberg, [18:40])

9. Post-Apocalyptic Skillset Jokes

• [19:06] - [20:44] If comedy disappeared, Attell imagines running a “barter town,” while Holmberg doubts his own survivability.
• Attell contemplates being a professional dog walker but complains about the challenges of pampered NYC dogs and doggie daycares:
  • "There’s fraud going on. Dog fraud." (Attell, [20:44])

10. Standup, Skank Fest, and Unusual Comedy Venues

• [21:21] - [23:44] The group recounts odd comedy clubs (strip club + miners’ helmets in the Midwest) and Attell’s experience at Skank Fest New Orleans:
  • "I'm old. Doug [Stanhope] was there also...They had a Ferris wheel...the best part was like...they had two guys going at it with a taser." (Attell, [22:26]-[23:40])
• Attell describes wild festival events: boxing rings, live podcasts, and taser fighting.
  • "It was like MMA with a taser. Old school." (Attell, [23:40])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [03:19] "If you ever wondered what the Taliban would look like if they wore suits – well, there you go. You got it right there." — Dave Attell
• [05:44] "I'm the most spoiled...We had toys, we went on vacations...I feel very spoiled." — Dave Attell
• [06:24] "You know how hard it is to get out of the city on New Year's Eve? It's like a drunk driving festival." — Dave Attell
• [08:54] "It would be like if they took a porn and edited it and put it on TNT." — John Holmberg
• [10:37] "I want to get a job at that theme park as a Dave Attell." — Dave Attell
• [17:12] "It's all improv...They don't remember anything...you gotta roll with whatever's going on." — Dave Attell
• [18:40] "I think we can all agree we’ve seen guys go in, but we haven’t seen anyone come out. It’s the portal." — John Holmberg
• [20:44] "There’s fraud going on. Dog fraud." — Dave Attell
• [24:23] Words of Wisdom from Dave Attell:
  "Sure, you can sit at home and watch clicks all day long, but don't you want to experience it live? Don't you want to smell it? Don't you want to suck it in? Well, then you got to come down to these shows, whether it's me..."

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Important Timestamps & Segments

• [01:22] – Dave Attell introduced; Valentine's humor
• [02:37] – Presidential history riff (Garfield’s assassination)
• [05:49] – Attell on childhood, family vacations, and dementia caregiving
• [09:27] – The “halftime entertainers must play in the game” bit
• [10:37] – Comedy theme park concept
• [17:12] – Dementia improv and caregiving wisdom
• [18:07] – Musings on AI and driverless cars
• [20:44] – “Dog fraud” and NYC dog daycare skepticism
• [21:21] – Weird comedy club stories; Skank Fest tales
• [24:23] – Attell’s “words of wisdom” on live comedy

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Tone & Style

The episode is fast-paced, sardonic, and sharply observant, with Attell’s deadpan wit and the hosts’ irreverent banter driving the energy. One-liners abound, and even heavier subjects (like caring for a parent with dementia) are treated with vulnerability, wit, and a kind of resigned warmth.

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Conclusion

This episode is a strong example of comedian camaraderie, featuring Dave Attell’s signature mix of morose humor and absurd observations. For listeners, it offers comedy industry insight, a celebration of oddball history, reflections on family, and a reminder that sometimes it’s best to roll with life’s improv, both onstage and off.

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Recommended for: Fans of stand-up, comedy insiders, and anyone who enjoys clever, dark banter with the occasional deep cut—plus Arizonans who want a taste of Attell’s latest material before his live shows.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

It's John Holmberg here from the morning sickness for lifechangerloan.com I got a little note from Shane O', Grady, the head cheese over at Life Changer Loan. He said, this week, three wonderful listeners all made the move to Life Changer Loan, and each of them will be paying off their homes in under four years. That's right. And that's normal, too. So many people try to refinance. Go to lifechangerloan.com and see if it's right for you. Maybe you like paying debt off for 30 years and spending $200,000 extra in interest. I don't. I know a better way. And it's not magic. It's just math. Lifechangerloan.com.

[C]

Sickness. You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. Look at this.

[A]

If. If you don't have your Valentine's Day.

[C]

Plans.

[A]

You don't have your Valentine's Day plans yet. Let me get you all moistened up with the unbelievable skills of a man who knows his way around, well, couples and romance and everything else.

[C]

It's. David, tell everyone right now. All right.

[A]

No, it's true.

[C]

No. For my shows, only the broken, broken. Well, that's almost all of us.

[A]

David tells it Stand Up Live tonight and tomorrow and Sunday, you're gonna be here.

[C]

It's a big three hit.

[A]

Yeah. You are the Valentine's Day spokesperson at Stand Up Live.

[C]

I have no idea how this happened, but it's always great to be back in Phoenix. And, guys, it's been too long.

[A]

Yeah, you've been dodging us for ages.

[C]

I haven't been dodging you, dude.

[A]

Well, I've been looking for you, and you're not returning my call, so. Somebody's dodging somebody, dude.

[C]

Well, buddy, we just have to connect on Truth Social. That would Be the best way to get in touch with me.

[A]

When is the last memorable Valentine's Day for you?

[C]

I don't know. Like, I usually don't do anything, but I'm always in these situations where I'm performing on these like, very like, coupley holidays, you know. And isn't it also President's Day? Yes, it is. Great. Well, then that's what I'm promoting.

[A]

You're here for president.

[C]

Yeah. And I didn't want to go on a tear so quickly, but you know me, you know.

[A]

Of course. Yeah. You jump on your 30 minutes on.

[C]

Lincoln's going to be out. No. James Garfield. Okay. Our 20th president. Yeah. Assassinated, by the way.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

They're still looking into it. And that on Netflix. Did you see that?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You saw it?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

So that to me is a sign that you're single. Are you single? Cuz I was like, who else has seen this besides me?

[A]

Yeah, just two single guys. Masturbate.

[C]

Blew me away. Okay. If you love. If you love what you call it. Intrigue.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And beards of every type. Every type you can imagine of a beard. It was crazy. Garfield, I guess they shot it at a goat farm. It was just beard after beard after beard. Even the women were bearded.

[A]

It's worth watching just for that.

[C]

It was definitely like. If you ever wondered what the Taliban would look like if they wore suits. Well, there you go. You got it right there. Lot of wolves.

[A]

You know, they skipped the one part in history that happened. And that was my favorite part of that assassination. And that's a phrase you don't hear a lot.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Is when he got shot, he turned and looked at the guy and went, what's this?

[C]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah. They didn't do it. And there was a famous quote, this Garfield. Garfield's the most forgotten shot guy.

[C]

Exactly. Ever. They say that in the beginning you don't know this guy. And you don't know the guy who shot him.

[A]

No, not at all. And the guy that shot him was a lunatic.

[C]

But that was the best part of it because he was like a today's stalker without any of the wear. He's trying to stalk them, so he actually has to walk to places. He's like, where are they? I said they were in Boston. No, they're in Philadelphia. He's like, oh my God, I gotta get a carriage.

[A]

A stalking carriage.

[C]

He really put a lot of work into it.

[A]

Yeah. Stalking carriages are underrated. Cause that's when you know you've got a stalker outside and he's in a carriage. You're not that afraid. But he's probably the most dangerous.

[C]

I just dropped them off.

[A]

You ever go in a carriage? I would like to see you in like a. Are you grooming me, handsome cab rider? Would you like to go with me on handsome carriage?

[C]

Yeah, I've been in a carriage.

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

I have. I don't think I've been in a carriage.

[C]

You've never been in a carriage?

[A]

I don't believe I have.

[C]

What do they do downtown here? See, now that's a Valentine's thing. A carriage ride. Yeah. Where they do, we don't do.

[A]

We can't do that. The horses would die in the summertime.

[C]

Sorry. Well, what about Burrows?

[A]

That's the most romantic.

[C]

Like the off road vehicle of the horse.

[A]

They're the jeep of the equine family.

[C]

They can do anything.

[A]

Yeah, I would. I would. I would find that romantic. A nice donkey ride around Phoenix.

[C]

Better than a camel ride.

[A]

That's.

[C]

Am I right? Let's feel that border. Sorry. Anyway, it's great to be amongst friends.

[A]

It is good to be here. David tells it stand up live tonight and tomorrow and Sunday. What do you do with your freak?

[C]

What?

[A]

What?

[B]

You're the.

[A]

You're an anomaly. You're an anomaly of a human being.

[C]

No, I'm kind of a.

[A]

Just. People want you to be this Dave Attell and you are. This is an authentic you.

[C]

Right.

[A]

But that's the thing. It's like, I think they want you to be something that no one can imagine. And you're just a guy.

[C]

Right. I'm just a sad man. I'm a sad man looking at the world, asking, what did he say? What's this? Yeah.

[A]

What's that? Yeah. Were you and were you a normal kid? No. Terrible question.

[C]

No, it's really funny because I feel like I'm the most spoiled. Like, you know, growing up, like, we had toys.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And, you know, like we went on vacations and like, I meet all these people in comedy. That was the good thing about comedy. You get to meet people, like all over. Yeah. It's like. Yeah. Like. No, we went there when I was a kid on vacation. It's like, you had a vacation. You had a. You know, you had a father, like that kind of stuff. So, you know. Yeah. I feel like I'm very spoiled. You know, I do all that stuff with my mom. She has dementia. I think we talked about it. Like, when was it? See, now I have got it for eight years, 12 years ago. So. Yeah. But New Year's, she had an incident and, like, it was. It was like, really stressful. Me and my sister, like, do all the care pretty much. I have people in there doing it. You know, I pay him, but.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

But the. You know, it was like, real. She had to go to hospital and everything. And I'm like, the worst day. Thank you. Like, you know how hard it is. I'm in New York City doing shows. You know how hard it is to get out. Get out of the city on New Year's Eve. It's like a drunk driving festival and everything. Like, thanks. Couldn't pick President's Day, you know. Yeah.

[A]

I gotta come back in on New Year's Eve. Yeah. Yeah. That's selfish. Dementia is what I call that.

[C]

That's what I. Yeah.

[A]

She could have waited till tomorrow. She's still gonna have it.

[C]

Exactly. New Year's Day. Nothing's going on.

[A]

Yeah. Everybody can get in to and fro to your dementia patient. Yeah.

[C]

And I'm excited about these shows and I'll tell you why.

[A]

Go.

[C]

First off, I'm out of New York. New York is freezing right now. Talking about it in. In the. It was like below zero, whatever. It was three degrees, something like that. And we almost hit our record of, like, sad, cold days there. Then we actually got snow, which is such a rarity. And I don't know. You guys never get snow here, do you?

[A]

Not really.

[C]

Okay. You got to go in the high mountains.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

Like that. Okay. Anyway, when they. When they show, when they plow. They plow people. Like, they plowed against people's cars and they're, like, kind of stuck in there. So, like, it's kind of weird when you see these cars. They're like, just basically, like, they can't use the car. So they're buried. Yeah, they're buried, basically. And like, you know, I'm wondering, like, if they're getting ticketed because you got.

[A]

To make them four hours.

[C]

Yeah. So it's like almost a plan for the city to make money.

[A]

You know, the snow makes it so they can get the ticket on the car.

[C]

Sometimes you can't. Yeah. Well, I figure out here, everybody so, like, you know, like Mountainee, that they would be able to get the car out.

[A]

We'd figure it out.

[C]

You'd have another friend with, like, a truck. And there's a lot of lifted cars out here, too. More so they would just go and get a better car.

[A]

We just have landscapers go by with the leaf blowers.

[C]

And that's something. Yeah. We don't have.

[A]

Yeah, you guys don't have that. Not anymore. You got.

[C]

We don't do it.

[A]

You don't do it.

[C]

It's just nothing but leaves and talk about it, really. It's not a thing.

[A]

We can't even mention it. It's too painful, too soon.

[C]

You know, I don't know if you guys. We were talking. You don't like the cold at all, Right?

[A]

I. You know what? I'm done with it. There's no reason for it.

[C]

What about, it's okay visiting?

[A]

Yeah, there's just no reason for it.

[C]

So this is not your Olympics, then? The Winter Olympics?

[A]

I like watching other people who are cold while I'm warm. I have no people say that. Like, oh, this is football weather. And I'm like, yeah, because it's 75. We're watching it on TV.

[C]

That was quite a. That was quite a game, wasn't it? Oh, yeah.

[A]

It was fun, right? A lot of. A lot of excite there.

[C]

You know, I. To be honest, I think it was a love letter to punting. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

It was.

[C]

Never gets enough props and now, you know, you save the day. That was good punting. Yeah.

[A]

It would be like if they took a porn and edited it and put it on tnt.

[C]

It was like.

[A]

It was like, all right, everything I don't want from this is happening over and over. Where's the action? There was nothing. Are you a football guy?

[C]

Not really. But I would say that halftime, you know, you had to check it out.

[A]

You had to watch. What'd you think?

[C]

I didn't watch it.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[C]

No, I thought it was kind of long and hard to understand, but what do I know?

[A]

Because it was in Spanish, you were 100. Correct. I thought it was just one of those deals where they run everything backwards like old Beatles or Ozzy Records and make everybody guess the message.

[C]

Don't you think that the halftime entertainment should also have to play in the game? Because I do. I mean, I think that would be great.

[A]

If you get hired, you gotta see him getting tagged. Yeah. Just watch Bad Bunny. Take one for each team. He's got a suit up for each one in each hand.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

First half, he's a Patriot. Second half, he's rolling out there as a Seahawks return. A punt, that would be.

[C]

Oh, see, in the Banana games.

[A]

Yeah. Baseball, Savannah Bananas.

[C]

Yeah. They would do their own halftime if they did.

[A]

Yeah. They would have made bad money play.

[C]

Those guys are those guys. They got like a 20 hour day. Yeah. They get there they're, like, signing autographs. They're out front. They're tailgating with crazy.

[A]

They're drinking and goofing with you.

[C]

Yeah, exactly. And they're all like, you know, if I only. You know. I guess some of them love it, right? Yeah. But they are entertainers.

[A]

They'd rather be in the pros, right? Yeah. Somebody. In a weird way, all their smiles are artificial. Like, nobody's really that happy on the bananas because their lives didn't work out or they wouldn't be dressed like that.

[C]

Yeah. It's like when you go to, like, a theme park and you meet, like, you know. Yeah. Whoever that is, they don't want to be.

[A]

They don't want to be me.

[C]

They don't want to be a wizard.

[A]

It's not working. And they have to plaster a smile on and for your memories forever.

[C]

Well, that's why Nate, who's the best comic in the country. Nate.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

He the. His idea of opening a theme park. You know, he wants to open, like, an amusement park. That's, like, one of his things. And he's, like, the hardest sell out there right now. Like, that guy could sell tickets. He's great. He's just a great guy. Like, I want to get a job at that theme park as a Dave Hotel. Yeah. Like, and, you know, like, you know how they have that, like, museum, you know, like the. What is that, like, haunted house in Disney World? Like. Oh, yeah, yeah. The haunted comedy club.

[A]

It's live. It's live comedy inside.

[C]

The floor drops, but it's just all the haunted hack house. Yeah. What's up? You know, catchphrases? Where are you from?

[A]

Don't you hate socks? Yeah, we'd be shopping. Like, it's a whole. It's a comedy fun park where you guys are the mascots and there isn't anybody dressed as Davitel.

[C]

It's actually us. Yeah, we're also available, too. What a great. He should open it, like, right outside of that Brantford, Missouri, place.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

So it'd be, like, one of those things, like, for the people to get the altar version of you.

[A]

Janine Garo.

[C]

No, she's great.

[A]

Geechy guy. Is he still alive? I don't even know.

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

But all the Star Search people. And then you'd be, like, the headliner.

[C]

That would be. I don't even have to be that. I be the door guy. I would love that.

[A]

Just let us in.

[C]

Yeah, the guy who gives the rules. I don't even have to be funny. At that point.

[A]

Oh my God, Dave, this is a great idea.

[C]

I think. Yeah, he should definitely do like a live interaction or like, you know, like in those, you know, where they practice, like shooting. Visit Holmberg's morning sickness [e-mail] hey, it's.

[A]

Brett Vesely and I'm here with Byron from MMP Guns. Look, Byron, I have a friend wanting to sell some guns he inherited. What's the best way for him to do that? Brett, the last thing you want to do is sell the gun to someone who can't legally own one.

[C]

Tell him not to put himself at.

[A]

Risk and come into MMP Guns where he'll get a fair offer and he can rest easy knowing it's not getting into the wrong hands. Okay, but what if he lives out of state? Easy. Legalgunbuyer.com and he can do it online. It's really that simple. There you have it. MMP Guns or legalgunbuyer.com the safe and legal way to sell your firearms.

[B]

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[C]

Holmberg's Morning Sickness in the house. I could do one of those things.

[A]

Like the domestic violence museum. What are you talking about? Who practices shooting in the house?

[C]

They go into the meet, whether they have a special name for it like the the kill chamber and they have like Regular people. And then they have the. Yeah. So I could be one of the innocents. Hey, fellas. How's it going? You know, there's a shooting around me.

[A]

There' Cats. Steel cat comic that pops up in the window.

[C]

One of the best shows I did of 2025. I'm sorry we have to segue for the video, but, you know, Doug Stano, probably greatest Arizonian comics who's ever lived, for sure.

[A]

He's never here, though.

[C]

He's never here ever here. No. Yeah. No. When he goes on the road, he goes hard. Him and I were working in Spokane, Washington, and he had the show after mine. So this is like the first time we've both been in the same town together. You know, it's like a real like. Like an eclipse, basically, of two old. You know, two old dogs. Yeah. So I did my show first and, like, I'm doing punch. Like, jokes and punchlines, all that stuff. And then, you know, I play that recorder thing. I don't know. You saw the Hot Cross Buns thing.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah. I know what you're talking about. Yes.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Okay. So I said, how funny would it be? Because I got these juggling jokes. So I was like, these two guys work at the club, and I. And they said, hey, we can juggle. I go, will you juggle on stage? As I'm playing the recording. This is like the ultimate entertainment. So they're like, yeah, no problem. I go, can you pass it back and forth? So I'm up there playing the recorder and they're hitting me with the juggling. They're basically. It was. It was like, pelted with, like. Yeah, like bowling pins. Like, I was on a dark site somewhere, like terrorism. Like, hit him with those clubs. And then Doug is there. And then I bring Doug out. Of course, we go back and forth. But, like, then Doug show, and it's all about him going to the Ukraine. And he gets a shot. He gets a shot like, you know, he's shooting a. They let him, like, pull the trigger on, like, a cannon.

[A]

Did they know who he was?

[C]

Who? I don't know.

[A]

Ukrainians are big.

[C]

He was going there. I guess they're just happy with anybody.

[A]

Yeah. I was going to say they just let any comedian.

[C]

Yeah, he said it. Did some shows there. They were really into it and all that.

[A]

Kind of. Aren't they busy, like, killing Russians?

[C]

The bunker show. He's doing the draft dodgers peeking out. Oh, he's okay.

[A]

It's Stanhope's salute to cowards of Ukraine.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah, I'm like. And they paid you? Well, it wasn't really about the money, but yeah, you know.

[A]

But he wanted to go to Ukraine.

[C]

Yeah, no, that. I think that's one of the coolest things you could do. I mean, that's amazing. Yeah. And I forget how long he was there, but he was there for a while. So.

[A]

Did you want to go there?

[C]

I would love to. You. My mother. Oh, my God.

[A]

Take your mom to the Ukraine, snap.

[C]

Her to a drone and drop it on the Russians.

[A]

That's the thing about what's going on in Tucson. You were there last night. That's why I don't think that lady who got abducted in Tucson is the woman they were aiming at. Because nobody wants to steal an 85 year old. Your mother is a perfect. It's too much work. You got medicines, you got time. She's cold all the time. She's hungry. She needs stuff. She forgets what you just talked about. Who wants this? The real victims here are the kidnappers.

[C]

Well, with my mom, I love our greeting, which is, hi, mom, who are you and who am I?

[A]

Yeah, she's deep.

[C]

She's right. Who am I?

[A]

She Descartes you right in the door.

[B]

Nine years or eight years?

[C]

Who are you?

[A]

What do you want? My God, she's got me.

[C]

I'm the guy paying for this whole operation. That's sometimes my ice cream.

[A]

Do you ever answer her with things.

[C]

That you know, like, well, I agree with everything. It's all improv.

[A]

Yeah. It's all you want. Yes.

[C]

And with dementia, there's like, there's always the new person who's never been around. Someone with dementia, and they're like, why would you say that? Do you remember? I've, like, never used. Do you remember? Yeah, it's like they don't remember anything. Yeah. Okay. They don't remember what just happened or whatever. You just got to roll with whatever's going on. My mom's still sweet. You know, some people that get angry, you know, they have the Sundown syndrome when they turn to a whole other person at night. You saw warfare, didn't you? Yeah. Break the twig and turns into a.

[A]

But, yeah, it's. It's a. It's a strange. So. So many people go through it and it's like, it's. Yes. And you're right. It's improv. You have to be kind of like, all right, that's what we're doing now. And that's going to go away in five minutes.

[C]

Well, the good news is this and we can all agree with AI. Right. Fill in something. I don't know.

[A]

Are you an AI fan?

[C]

Don't worry, AI will fix it.

[A]

Are you afraid of it?

[C]

I'm afraid of these driverless cabs.

[A]

Now, have you been in a Waymo yet?

[C]

No, but I watch them and I go like. It's weird to see something that just is built to dry.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Like, they're not thinking about, like, you know, I'm gonna get home and I'm gonna rail my wife. Yeah, you know, whatever. Oh, man. That was the best game ever. Or, yeah, just one more volume. Yeah. Like, you know, if I ask my uncle for money, maybe I can start that trucking bit, you know, there's nothing else driving. It's A to B fight with his AI.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[C]

Wreck shouldn't be driving. And the way the car, like, move, you know, you're like. It's like a million zeros and ones and a turn.

[A]

Yeah, it's coming for us.

[C]

I think we can all agree we've seen guys go in, but we haven't seen anyone come out.

[A]

It's the portal. They all go in. They never come out. I think they go back in time.

[C]

It's a story.

[A]

And they have the beards and they end up in Garfield's assassination. It's just a portal. Let's see what I did. Wouldn't it be great, though, if that did happen? Like, you got in there and it just took you to another, like, Matrix.

[C]

Yes. That would be awesome.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Like, even more advanced. Yes. Where it's like, you have to get a new phone again and all that. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God. Could you, like, what do you think you'd do if it wasn't for comedy? What would David tell be doing?

[C]

I don't know. With my skill set.

[A]

Yeah, that's me. I don't have a. Like, if the end of the world came, what do you offer?

[C]

I don't know. I could see myself running a barter town.

[A]

You'd be, like, in charge of a barter town.

[C]

What do you got here? Some. How many batteries you want?

[A]

You think you can.

[C]

Two credits?

[A]

I would be. I'd be a bad salesperson. I have no skills. In case of the apocalypse, I'd be the first one. And I'd be fodder. They'd use me.

[C]

What's your hobby that you think could be, like, a successful show?

[A]

Talking into microphones at home.

[C]

Really?

[A]

This is all I do. I go home and practice. No, I guess, like, hobbies I have. I don't know. I don't do anything. Watching TV is not a hobby, is it?

[C]

You could maybe be a driver, you know, if they need it every day. But not good at driving.

[A]

I'm not either. I'm okay at it.

[C]

I was thinking of, like, in New York. I don't know if you have it out here. Professional dog walkers. Like, I feel like I could do that. You're pretty good with that. That'd be good because you're also getting up and you're moving around. But my feet hurt now, so I don't know how.

[A]

Maybe you wouldn't.

[C]

Plus, the New York dogs are a lot of work. They really are a lot of work. It's like a dog, you know what you call it? My mom's dog, you know, Snowball. He's. He's so weird, but it's a training dog, a companion. Oh, he's so old. I mean, he's the worst, but he's great. But he's. He's terrible. But. But the. You know, my neighborhood, like, there's a lot of fancy dogs where they go to dog daycare. Yeah. You know, and I. And you get to look in and. And, like, they just sit on the floor looking at the door, waiting for their person to come back. I'm like, where's the day? I smell fraud right here. There's frog going on. Dog frog.

[A]

Finally, somebody to blow the lid off of this. David tells it stand up live tonight, tomorrow and Sunday. Do you change anything up for Valentine's Day, or are you gonna.

[C]

No, there's other acts on the show. I'm sure they'll be talking about it, but this is what I'm gonna say. This town is a comedy town. There's a lot of super fans. I have new stuff, so I think you're gonna like it. And both of you were invited, if you want to come down.

[A]

Wow. Thank you.

[C]

You can have separate tables if you'd like.

[A]

Good.

[C]

You know, there's no need for you guys to be bunched up all day long with him. Have a spotlight that can move. So look well to me.

[A]

Did they still have that comedy club in the Midwest that had miners helmets?

[C]

Did you ever. What?

[A]

You don't remember? They had, like, how did I miss this one? Or something. They didn't have lights. It was a strip club and a comedy club.

[C]

Whoa.

[A]

And they had. Knew it. And it was called the mine or something like that. And they had miners helmets with lights on them. And they'd watch the dancer and the comedians would come on and, like, the lights yeah, Come on. Yeah, it used to be kind of a thing.

[C]

When was this?

[A]

That had to be early.

[C]

Can you pay in coal?

[A]

Yeah. Yes.

[C]

Look at this. We take only rare earth.

[A]

You made it. You made it rain minerals.

[C]

Here's some byzantium.

[A]

Yeah, I don't know if that. I don't know how long that lasted, but I know that was.

[C]

Dude, that's a great.

[A]

Yeah, I think it would be awesome. It saves the club money. They don't have to pay for lights.

[C]

No, but I just mean like the creepiness of it. Oh, completely just like the lights. Like a requiem for a dream.

[A]

Like just light flying around would be wild.

[C]

And then.

[A]

Yeah, you turn them back on for the end of that requiem. The double thing.

[C]

Oh, my God. Well, they do nude comedy. You know that, right? No. Oh, you know, I did Skank Fest, which was great. I think that's one of the best festivals I've ever done.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah. I like the people who put together Luis Gomez and Christine. They just are amazing. And they did in New Orleans. Okay. So, like, I'm old. Doug was there as also. Yeah, Doug. And there was a couple of. But like, it's really like, you know, Shane dropped by, a lot of people came by. So anyway, it's in New Orleans and they rented out like a whole pier. There was like a boxing ring and it was just amazing, like the way they. And it's New Orleans, so it's like you could do whatever you want.

[A]

Right?

[C]

You know, the big ease. Right. Blah, blah, blah. So it's like we're having a great. They had a Ferris wheel.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

They had some other amusement rides there. But the best part was like, you know, the shows were pretty good. They were good, you know, but like people been there all day long, you know, like. But you know, they had podcasts. Okay. So you get what was there. But then they have all these crazy boxing things going on where they basically have guys who are like coming off a three day binge get in the ring, you know, just fight. It's always like they like fully beat down fights. And then they had two guys going at it with a taser. Now I've. I asked. I know guys that like mma. Yeah. Have you ever been to like, whatever. Like, I don't know, somewhere in the Orient or something where like they fight with a taser? He's like, I've never seen that. And they had a taser.

[A]

Wait, that was part of the fight?

[C]

Yeah, it was great. It was like MMA with a taser. It was like Old. Old school.

[A]

Like, I think you just watched the police attack a black man in New Orleans.

[C]

It was like Jason Bourne. Like, yeah, then he gets him over. But it was happening.

[A]

I want to watch that.

[C]

But I was like, that's so. That's so hilarious. But for this crowd, they could have done it with, like, a bar of soap, a vaccination.

[A]

David tell at stand up live. StandUpLive.com is where you get your tickets, Dave. It's always, don't make five more years.

[C]

I'm so sorry, guys.

[A]

Because we'll be retired soon enough. Oh, we're done with this. No, no. Yeah, we're all done.

[C]

There's no retirement.

[A]

There's.

[C]

There is.

[A]

Well, it's called quitting. And, yeah, it's different than retirement. And then you just end it on your terms. Leave us with words of wisdom. It's such a wise man.

[C]

Words of wisdom. I'll keep it. I'll keep it into the comedy world. Sure, you can sit at home and watch clicks all day long, but don't you want to experience it live?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Don't you want to smell it? Don't you want to suck it in? Well, then you got to come down to these shows, whether it's me. This shows at Tempe. This shows at.

[A]

Yeah. Up at Desert Ridge.

[C]

Desert Safe. Yeah. I love all these names. It's always like this. Like a historic gun battle. I was at Rattlesnake Bridge last night.

[A]

We have bloody baseball.

[C]

We weren't eating ice cream, that's for sure.

[A]

Nobody even knows you go through i17. It's like bloody Basin Road.

[C]

I love it.

[A]

It got named for that.

[C]

Nice.

[A]

We don't even care why. It's just.

[C]

And what's there now. Yoga studio.

[A]

Vikram. Yeah. It's always a pleasure. You're a legend, Dave, and we thank you. Thank you for your time. David, tell everybody it's 98.

[C]

It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee.

[A]

I have heard enough of this. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with a name youe Price Tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law not available in all states.